Espresso - celeb DM's

Episode Date: February 17, 2021

it's LATE NIGHT SPRESS this week ben goes through the fam's celeb dm's (like dm'ing a girl from the bachelor and humping her leg every night since) it's ASH Wednesday and Ben discovers every time he got ashes growing up they looked like complete shit on his head. He reveals the truth about girls with Dance Marathon in their bios, admits he has bought a Build-A-Bear and realizes if you flirt by complimenting people you're satan's son. Ben breaks down why drinking wine has made him a sexier piece of shit and wonders who's buying Andy Capp's Hot Fries in vending machines and more importantly who in tf is ANDY CAPP anyway? He goes #ViViViViral and does #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😎 𝘿𝙈 𝙤𝙧 𝙏𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝘼𝙉𝙔 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙙 ! (@benedictpolizzi) →→→ 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄! 𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝗲𝗻!: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave One Media. If you want to start your own show, visit thewave... show? If you want to start your own show, visit thewaveone.com. It's Late Night Spress. It's Late Night Spress. It's Late Night Spress. Its main ingredient can be found in your medicine cabinet. And not only is it highly addictive, it can be deadly. Its main ingredient is butter. It can be found in your pantry.

It can be found in your pantry. Or if you live in an apartment, probably your cabinet or something, to the upper right-hand side of your oven. And not only is it highly addictive. And not only will it fuck you up for the night and the rest of the day, maybe half the day. It can be deadly, sure. It can be a gateway drug to Nutella. On. GF reduce fat peanut butter. Open that jar, yeah Pop it real high, yeah I love that jiff, uh Even though it make me sick, but

Put it on my toast Jelly, raspberries I be doing the most Peter Pan Skippy And if you like it chunky I'll give it to you in a jiffy Uh Ha ha ha ha Skippy. And if you like it chunky, I'll give it to you in a jiffy.

What's up? God damn it, dude. Shot 146. Espresso Podcast. I'm your host, Ben Polizzi. Know your espresso and know that it's going to lay down oh god jesus christ i just said damn this pod might suck for some of you might be the best thing that's ever happened for a lot of you oh god i just did a johnson and schmitty video so like literally an hour ago, so this pod might be kind of extra crunchy. Oh, God!

Jeez! Johnson here. What's good, man? Shout-out 146. I'm your host, Ben Polizzi. I already said all that, but remember to follow on Twitter, Instagram, Cameo, TikTok, all that Benedict Polizzi.

Remember to rate, subscribe, review. It really helps, and I'm dead-ass serious. Do those three things, because we're going to the top, baby. This pod, to the top. There's no reason why we shouldn't. Honestly, why wouldn't you? It's the most fun podcast. It's the most fuck-around podcast.

It's the most ADD podcast In the world World In the world What's been up man? Snow day? Huh? Yeah? Jesus Christ Everybody wants a snow day until it actually happens Every time any weather change of any type happens, one of my parents,

Are you okay? My dad called me today. One inch of snow. Hey, just making sure you're alright. Like, thanks dad, means a lot, but... There's still like dogs and shit outside. Snow day! Snow day. Snow day. The worst snow driver in the world. I just realized

that was me. You like, you always think you're the best driver ever until somebody gets in the car with you. Then you're like, oh, fuck. Showtime. Dude, when I drive in the snow, I act like there's not one snowflake in the air. I'm like, somehow I have a gear shifter. I've come so close to just demolishing mailboxes. Dude, one time I took one out straight up and it's like, it it was the mailbox was so cold it like shattered it shattered like you ever drop a wine glass all over the street i was like was that even is that a real thing shit's so cold outside you ever start feeling bad for like shit outside because it's so cold like you ever look at your window and see a stop sign just be like damn i for some reason i think everything's living i know people think that you know like when you're leaving or something and you like look in your closet to pick out some shoes and

you see some shoes you haven't worn in a minute and you're like damn all right bro maybe next time you like say that to your shoes i say i I think that shit about stop signs and benches. I'm like, fuck, that bench looks cold. They throw a blanket on it. If I haven't worn a sweatshirt in a while, I'm like, fuck. Sorry about that, man. Hey, we'll get it figured out, all right? Then I fucking sprint out of my room, and I'm like, he's going to know.

He knows I'm lying. Let's get right to the question, man. Everybody's probably DM'd a celebrity, right? Just to like see. That's like the first thing you do on social media is like follow the celebrity. Like on Twitter. First time I got on Twitter,

first social media platform I had, I was like, I guess I'll follow Shaq and Beyonce. Okay. How about like the chance that they could DM you back on Instagram you hit somebody up and they DM you back you're like huh everybody's tried to DM a celebrity right everybody has don't act like you haven't you've at least been like what's up just to see what if they did what's up for some reason i just thought about me dming mark mcguire like that was the first celebrity that i thought of mark mcguire mark mcguire comes up in every podcast like just saying like imagine saying

what's up to mark mcguire and him just being like what's good kurt warner what's Gucci but like no the other day uh Mantis sent me one of Jack Harlow's stories on Instagram and I like responded back to who I thought was Mantis and it actually went to Jack Harlow and I was like oh fuck that's weird but he'll never look at it and then like a minute later he was like he hit me back and I was like what and he said some real nice shit now we're boys dude now I'm in like all his music videos you guys know and no bullshit I'm gonna have him on this podcast one day so just wait okay okay yeah it's just like a stroke of luck that they see it and it's the right timing and like they're like bored enough to be like what's up bro and hit you back but it's crazy we can and like, they're like bored enough to be like, what's up bro? And hit you back. But it's crazy.

We can even do that with Instagram if you think about it. But like the quest, quick espresso, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick,

quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week of the week. Have you, has a celebrity ever DM'd you back? And what'd they say? Or has a celebrity

ever DM'd you first? And what'd they say? Let's get to it. EHD underscore underscore underscore Has a celebrity ever DM'd back in what they say? Yes. You won't believe this,

but two years ago I was on Tinder and I matched with Chris D'Elia. His name wasn't Chris, but instead Paul. I knew who he was and played it off. I ended up finding out he was in town for the weekend for shows. We never ended up meeting up, but he definitely wanted some vagina action. Now everything makes sense.

Yeah. But damn. Tinder, huh? Damn, who has that much time, you know? When celebrities are really just hitting people up for ass, it makes me think, are celebrities, do they work hard? I know they do. I know they do i know they do but like when they're just in town every time i've ever been out of town for comedy i'm like

i feel like i'm doing like 16 000 different things and i'm like what who has time to just be like what's up i don't know all right next one eric selectrons ided Tory Lanez right after the incident with Megan. He said everyone will know the truth in due time. One week later, he dropped his Daystar album. That's crazy. I guess if you're a celebrity and you were going to respond to a DM, it'd be like an allegation because you're like, no, no, no, no, no. This is not how it is.

Does that mean sometimes when like when celebrities DM random people like facts, I wonder if it's just like copy and paste it 3,000 times. Has to be. Here we go. NJW underscore 0401

Nick Weeby. Has a Here we go. NJW underscore 0401. Nick Weeby. Has a celebrity ever DM'd you back? I DM'd a girl from The Bachelor, and I will be humping her leg until she falls asleep tonight. Oh, yeah, dude. Nick Weeby. He's actually a really good friend of mine. He DM'd a Bachelor girl, and now they date. It really happens. that shit actually happens dreams do come true you can really just dm a celebrity and end up fucking them

example nick weavey good job bro that's the definition of shooting your shot Literally on prime time TV He was like nah I don't care What's up It worked It worked I know I got some good ones in here Where we at people Has a celebrity

Ever DM'd you On what they say Alexis Letty Oh shit I just liked her God damn it Damn I just liked all the messages D-Loading Who is

Damn I can't think of his name right now D'Angelo Russell. Dude, yeah. Celebrities, you seem fun. This is what he said. She sent all the screenshots. She followed the rules. Deloading, you seem fun.

Boy, that's because I am. Prove it. Yeah, celebrities for sure. Celebrity game on full display. Camille Nikolek. 300K followers. Hey, Letty, so I guess I'll shoot my shot I wanted to DM you

She is Miss Indiana so I get it I get it Boys will be boys Do celebrities even need to have game though? Every time something like that happens Where it's like a good Like a too good to be true thing happens I'm like this is a setup

Like if J-Lo DM me Like a picture Like a too good to be true thing happens i'm like this is a setup like if jlo dm me like a like a picture like a like a smiley face i'd be like i'm not responding back i'm gonna get a virus like yeah right bro prove it prove it every time i see money on the ground I'm like god damn it I'm on camera smile you're on candid camera tell me reality tv ruined your life without telling me it ruined your life me not picking up a hundred dollars on the ground because I think I'm on camera anytime something's too like insane happening in public with like a person-to-person interaction that I'm having like it's the dumbest thing. I'm always like, I'm on a show. MTV boiling points ruined my life. Anytime there's an

interaction with somebody and I'm like, huh, I'm on a show. I don't know if I said this on a podcast before, but this lady at the, at the restaurant I work at, she was like, yo, can I get some hot sauce? And I was like, yeah, yeah, what kind do you need? She's like, anything but that tobacco sauce. And I was like, did you say tobacco sauce? And she's like, yeah, I hate that tobacco sauce. And I was like, and I looked at her friend, even her friend was like, that shit stink.

I was like, tobacco sauce? But yeah, that's one of the many moments that I had that I'm like, tobacco sauce? But yeah, that's one of the many moments that I had that I'm like, wait a minute. This can't be real. Here we go. Okay, Joe Cry. Has a celebrity ever DM'd you back and what'd they say? One time I ran into one of my favorite podcasters in person, took a photo with him. Oh, he's talking about me.

What's up, boy? That was tight. I was nervous as fuck. When people come up to me in public and record me, I'm always like, oh, shit. I never know what to say. I'm always like, I want to kiss him. I don't care. If you come up to me in public and tell me you listen to my podcast and like say something

from it, I'll kiss you on the lips. I don't give a shit. I love it, man. If you listen to this podcast and you fuck with it, I swear to God, man, we're in a different, we're on a different page. Like if you're reading a book and all the, all the podcasts you normally listen to are on every page, we're in the middle of the book and we're the pictures, baby. Cause we're just, you go there first and you're like, all right. Yeah. I like this. We're the pictures.

It's just what it is. You know what it is. If you, is You can't explain it You just know what it is When you listen to this podcast Okay Some girl sent me a Riley Dance Marathon invite Is that over yet? It's always the girls That dance marathon

In their profiles That are the biggest Drunk bitches On the weekends Oh my god Come to Dance Marathon We raised Eighteen thousand000 later that night.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Yeah, she had like 27 shots during power hour. Yeah. You stupid. You're so stupid. You're so stupid.

But yeah, I'll be there. Hey, hey, O'Main. Has a celebrity ever DM'd you and what'd they say? Brady Quinn told me that he hated Browns coach Eric Mangini. That's fried. While he played for him. What? No. My username was Ken Dorsey at the time.

So he probably thought he was talking to his teammate Ken Dorsey. Does that ever fuck you up when you see somebody's Twitter or Instagram account and they name it like the name of a celebrity and you're always like damn what'd they actually say honestly some of those Donald Trump fake accounts like they make it so convincing they'll put like two M's in his name, and my brain will just, like, coast right over it.

And I'm like, damn, he really said that? For, like, five seconds, I'll be like, holy shit, this is insane. Mark McGuire, not spelled like McGuire, but I don't know how to spell McGuire anyway. And I look at it, and I'm like, damn, Mark McGuire just said fuck the police. spell mcguire anyway and i look at it and i'm like damn mark mcguire just said fuck the police i'm like i can't wait for espn to retweet this or see it on a meme like right now then i go back and check and it's like mark mcguire parody account like all right has a has a celebrity ever dm you and what'd they say? Marginetti A.

Not a DM, but a friend of mine had Mario Lopez's number because he wanted to go on a date with her. So I convinced her one night to get his number and would strategically call him once a year in college and dropped one of his lines from Saved by the Bell each call. Needless to say, he changed his number. I bet celebrities have like 97 numbers and they just pick one every day. Like I have numbers in my phone from my friends in eighth grade still. It was such a hard flex to get a phone in grade school.

I got a phone like the last week in seventh grade, and I was like, what's up? Playing games and shit on it. Games on your phone. If you play games on your phone, get a fucking life. How come that's all? Every time I see a mom, it's always moms. It's always like a Karen type mom. Every Karen is always playing like fucking Bejeweled on her phone if you look over her shoulder.

You're like, fuck. Facebook moms love playing games. Candy Crush, dude. Why do moms love phone games so much? Alright, let's go viral. Viral. Viral. Viral.

I like turtles. That wasn't part of the viral thing, but I thought it was. Viral. Viral. Hashtag odd reasons to dump someone Odd reasons to dump someone Yeah, if I ever broke up with somebody It's never an actual reason

Like, they just make me feel uncomfortable They don't make me feel safe They cheated on me I don't like their family And the way they treat me Every time I break up with somebody, it's like, fuck, I just hate the way her tooth looked.

And I couldn't take it anymore. Every time I've ever ended a relationship, I'm just like, God, her gums. I think she had kid teeth. God, her gums.

I think she had kid teeth. Or like somebody will say something about him and I'll realize it. Like every time I've ever been in a relationship, I'm like blinded. And I'm like, oh, God. And then somebody will be like, yeah, she has horse hair. And I'm like, oh, fuck, she does. Kitty up! Or the way they say shit. I swear to God, one, I liked this girl in college.

I liked this girl in college. And she was cool and everything was good and she was cute and shit. And we might have gone out for like two weeks on the low you know i don't know what going out is like what what makes it official but we like saw each other for two weeks like on and off like just hanging out and shit but the way she texted me dude her spelling was so fucking awful i was like i can't talk to you i can't what if i showed your text to one of my friends you know you ever think about that like i can't just i can't just go on with you not knowing how to spell science and shit you can't like she would mess up words that were like

even if you spell a restaurant wrong now i'm like dude you're stupid she was spelling like christmas wrong just like normal shit i'm like how fast are you texting like are you doing 17 other things right now are you busy every time she texts me i'd be like are you busy and she's like no why and i bet because you're texting like you're driving your car eating a big mac and fucking putting in your contacts one girl texted me one time and she used she you know how like like phone companies think we text with like and shorten every word to like three letters you know what i mean she texted like that and i could not deal with it she'd be like like she'd say sorry it'd be s-r-y and she'd be like thanks thx but it'd be

every word like that she'd be like I'm not like her that's where buffalo chicken dip originated this girl would text and shorten every goddamn word if she was spelling halloween it'd be h l l w n i'd be like are you a robot the hashtag the one question i hate one question i hate i hate it when uh it's always like, tell us three interesting facts about yourself. I'm like, I went to the same school as her, right? I only wear Nike shoes and I do stand-up comedy. I never say I do stand-up comedy because then they're like, tell us a joke. And I'm like, fuck.

Because it never works, you know? You'd think I'd have like a joke for that scenario, but it just, nothing works. Tell us a joke. I'm like, god damn. Like you'd ever ask anybody else to do that, you know? And I'm a ballerina. And I'm a goddamn like you ever ask anybody else to do that you know and I'm a ballerina and I'm a bodybuilder you're never like pick up that

fucking table and I work in construction alright build us a fucking deck right now hashtag lame excuses you used lame excuses you used getting up for to wake up is my worst shit of all time i will use every excuse i started keeping track of my excuses in the morning when i was waking up

and i didn't want to get up and one of my one mine i'm always like i'm uh, too full. I've said that before I can't get up It would be stupid if I got up right now. I'm too full I wouldn't be able to do anything and i'd still be tired, dude. I'm You cannot convince me one time. I woke up in the morning and I swear to god I go My shoulders are too cold. I can't get up Like it would ever matter my shoulders are too cold. I can't get up. Like it would ever matter. My shoulders are too cold. I'll come up with anything. I'll count the numbers,

the hours of sleep and I'll be like, no, it's too, I don't, why would I, why would I get up right now? I think about that every time I get up. I'm like, if I got up right now and I'm tired, then I'm just going to be tired the rest of the day. So I would get up right now. I might as well just sleep for three, then I'm just going to be tired the rest of the day. So I would get up right now. I might as well just sleep for three more hours. And then I won't be tired the rest of the day. I'll be fine. Then I get up three hours later.

I'm like, what the fuck? Hashtag worst Valentine's Day gift. Hashtag worst Valentine's Day gift. I got some bangers this Valentine's Day gift. Hashtag worst Valentine's Day gift. I got some bangers this Valentine's Day. It always confuses me. What guys are really out there buying big teddy bears and chocolates for their girlfriends? What girl is like, Thanks, babe.

You got me a teddy bear the size of me. Who actually... That bitch is in the garage sale next me. Who actually, like, that bitch is in the garage sale next month. Who wants that? Low key, I got a Build-A-Bear for my girlfriend one year in middle school. God damn,

that shit was cute, but it was so lame at the same time. I had to act like it was, like, dope when I was in there I was like yeah yeah yeah this would be yeah yeah yeah put the overalls on it that'd be fucking tight

yeah uh huh yeah yeah that'd be dope yeah do you want it to say anything when she squeezes it's tummy and I'd be like yeah like you want it to say anything uh when she squeezes its tummy and i'd be like yeah like okay record it in three two and i'd be like all right haha yeah i love you wubby wubby wubby haha is that cool she'd be like yeah that's good i'd be like ah yeah how much i don't even matter she's like $99.96 and I'm like yeah I got that

holy shit the things they do for girls the things they do for girls next on the things they do for girls literally tear their ACL coming up next on the things they do for girls. Literally tear their ACL. Coming up next on the things they do for girls. Hashtag God wants you to know.

Hashtag God wants you to know. I always think God's got a super sense of humor. When I think of something funny in my head, I'm obviously kidding. I'm like, God knows I'm fucking around. God knows I'm fucking around. You serious? Don't say that.

Like, God knows I'm fucking around, man. Me and God are like this. I haven't been to church in 17 years. Me and God are like this. I want to know what happened when God, like, hiccups, dude, I, every time I hear somebody hiccup, I'm like, God fucked that one up. Every time I hear somebody hiccup, I look at the sky and God looks at me and he goes like this. He just goes and shrugs his shoulders. And I'm like, I know you did fuck up on that. Dude, that was not supposed to... Oh, sorry.

Just ate a little tiny bit faster than I normally do. You ever think you're going to have them forever? When I was a kid one time, dude, I swear to God, I had hiccups for two days straight. Kill me. Kill me. What else? Dude, armpit hair? They had extra hair and they didn't know where to put that shit.

I swear to God. Armpits? Why the fuck would you have hair there? Armpits. I swear they over-calculated and they're like, We got too much hair back there. Where should we put it? Fuck.

Just wear somewhere dark that they're not gonna see and you just uh just under yeah wavy loose put it right there our bear fucks me up why there hashtag me flirting in four words me flirting in four words. Me flirting in four words. Making fun of you, for sure. That's how everybody flirts though, right? What if you really flirted? Only creepy people really flirt. Like, hey, I like your shoes.

And they look directly in your eyes. When somebody does that to me, I'm like, oh, they're Satan. Oh my God god their person's weird but when somebody's like you're a bitch i'm like now that is something i can beat around if a girl really gave me a compliment i'd be like you're satan's son disguised as a woman get away from me before Before I called it cops. But if a girl's like, you're a bitch.

I'm like, you know what? Me and you? We can get along. That's so funny. How do you make your first impression on your wife? Oh, I just... How'd you meet... What was the first thing you said to your wife when i just i had you meet what how was it what was the first

thing you said to your wife when you met her uh you know what i told her when she ran she looked like a fucking dead roach so yeah we're in love but if you're like how'd you meet your wife and you're like uh i just told her her eyes were stunning. The other person's like, so you don't like her? No. No, she looks like a roach. I'd spray her with off. Ooh, you look so good, I'd spray you with fucking raid. Let's do days.

It's Tuesday. Fat Tuesday Wow National Pancake Day God damn I'm hungry National Pancake Day You want me to make a pancake out of you? My music teacher Growing up my music teacher Every single time i've said this

before i know i have every every single time one of us would act up in music class my music teacher was big as fuck like and you know how crazy that is to see somebody the biggest person i've ever seen in my in the world literally in the world you know how crazy it is to see somebody that big when you're eight when I see somebody that big now I'm like damn when I'm eight I was probably like this motherfucker if we'd get in trouble in music class he'd look at us dead in the eyes and go, You want me to make a pancake out of you? And it was like funny, but it was like... Part of me was like, what are you really...

You want me to make a pancake out of you? Want me to turn you into a pancake? He was really saying that. Like in my head one day, I was like, damn, if i said the wrong note or talk during a song or something he's gonna fucking belly flop on me and just he was huge he like he's healthy now and he like got like his shit together and he's like looking good now and stuff like looking good like i'll pour some syrup on that I'm just kidding but like that is crazy to say that want me to make a pancake if you said that in real life now that motherfucker would be in

county jail locked up gonna let me out uh convict music that's that's what his song that's what his class would be called hey what's our okay we have pe we have language arts we have science and then what's the last Wednesday Ash Wednesday Ash Wednesday I get it I get it I don't want to offend anybody

But if you wear your ashes like Around to the store and shit Like at 8 p.m. It's so weird It is It is It is weird Like you can believe something

Without being like Ah Picking out grapes and apples and shit with ashes all over your forehead This is perfectly normal Odd reasons to dump someone They wear ashes on their forehead too long I would so dump somebody for that shit She's cool

She was like yeah she went to church every now and then, but she wore her ashes she got on Wednesday till Saturday. You ever see somebody with over-ash? They wore them for too long, and you're like, ew. Not only is it weird, but he didn't use Neutrogena oil-free acne wash at all today? And priests would give the weirdest ashes too, you know? Priests would give some ashes and you'd be like, all right, looks good.

You know, like Catholic church people, you know what I'm talking about here. Like when you get ashes during church, I'd always be like, fuck, we got to do this. You let go, like you're going up there and the the priest puts his thumb in a little bit of ash and makes a cross on your forehead. That's what it is. I swear to God, the priest would fuck people up. The priest would do a cross all fucked up.

Every time, no doubt, no matter what, I'd turn the corner and face the whole church after getting my ashes and my cross would be down, off off center as shit. And one of the wings of the cross would be like going into my hair. And I'd be like, I don't know. It happened to me every year. I'd be like, fuck, my ashes suck.

And then there'd be some girl with like the cutest fucking ashes. And you'd be like, God, you would. You would get the cute fucking cross. My cross is all big and like half of it was going over my eyelid into my eyebrow. And the teachers would always be like, don't wipe it off.

Don't wipe it off. It's a sacrament. Be respectful. And I'd be in the English class like raising my hand with a fucking huge ass X on my face. It's onomatopoeia. It's called an onomatopoeia.

Some people get good ashes. Some people get shitty ashes. I got shitty ashes every year. I'd like modify mine in the bathroom. You know what I mean? If I got bad ashes, I'd go in the bathroom in the mirror and be like, oh, fuck. Ah, shit.

I just, like, tailor my ashes. Yeah, I walk, I, like, modify this shit, then I walk back in the classroom, I'm like, oh, what's up? Nothing. Nothing happened. What's up? They're all looking at me like, I just have one of those S's on my forehead. What's good? Yeah, I don't know. Priest is dope. What's up? Where are we in the Bible? Hebrews? Where are we in the Bible?

Hebrews? National Cabbage Day. I swear they only put cabbage in coleslaw just because that shit makes it pop. If coleslaw didn't have cabbage, who's getting coleslaw? That little purple. Doink, doink, doink. That little purple. If it didn't have that... People only eat coleslaw because there's different colors in it.

There's green, there's purple, and there's orange. All mixed in that white shit. It still amazes me why people get grits. How do people get grits? Grits. Grits. Even the name, I'm like, oh. Every time I'm at the restaurant I work at and people order

grits, I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Alright, sounds good. That's a good order. I always, like, critique people's orders. With the mac and cheese, the sweet potato crock, and the BLT, I'm like, you killed that. And they're like, hmm.

But when they say grits, I'm like, you really fucked up. Thursday! National Drink Wine Day. Check. Wine has changed my life. I think for the better, too. Because wine doesn't do shit to me, but it makes me feel important. When I'm drinking wine, ew, like drinking a beer at the end of a night seems disgusting and fat. Drinking wine at the end of the night. I'm like, fuck, I'm sophisticated. Date me. Fuck.

Oh God. I'm the smartest man alive. Oh yeah. Like it right when I have wine in my hand, I'm like, let me slip into something a little more comfortable. Like that's ever been said in a normal life situation. That's all. That's all. That's the biggest movie line ever. Let me slip into something a little more comfortable. When I have beer in my hand at the end of it, I'm just like, oh no. Oh God. I turned TV on Friday National Chocolate Mint Day

They shouldn't be together They shouldn't be together They shouldn't be together Chocolate and mint They shouldn't be together Chocolate and mint Who's the fucking demon that was like put it with chocolate people just think anything can go chocolate

pisses me off sometimes i'm like well you have a little more respect peanut butter and chocolate that's fine it's like seems like it's from the same family. Mint and chocolate? Mint and chocolate? That's like random as shit, honestly. Like when people think they can put like orange flavor with chocolate, I'm like, who the fuck do you think you... It's like Tim McGraw and Nelly. Just don't. All right? National Lash Day. I was fucked up when somebody told me like in high school that your lashes couldn't grow back holy that changed my whole life because I literally used to pull my lashes out and put them on my paper in front of me in high school when I was bored I used to pull my eyebrow hair and eyelashes out and just throw it all over my

paper and be like damn that's. I always wanted to put that. I've wanted a microscope for so many years for like Christmas and shit. Just like to, because like I'll find something weird, like a hair like on me that has like something weird on. I'm like, damn, if I just had a microscope right now,

this shit would be banging. Like, what would I find under there? How come I think like when I'm putting something underneath a microscope, it's like a bunch of germs and bacteria is gonna, like, hold up a sign that says, like, help us. You know in movies, like, when they're

stranded on an island, they, like, burn a bunch of logs and it says, like, SOS. That's what I think the bacteria is gonna be saying when I put it under a microscope. I'd still be like, whoa, that was weird. Never mind. Saturday! Anyway. National

Muffin Day! Muffins, dude. Put icing on them already. My mom used to make, you know, those little bitch ass muffins like your mom makes in the morning that like, aren't really muffins. They're just like tiny little, like they're like the bottom. Like if you see a muffin at a bakery, you're like, Whoa. But if you make muffins at home, it's just like the bottom of them pretty much turned upside down in a pan. That's like black. You're like, fuck. I'll still eat them though.

I used to clear that shit. Put icing on them. Put icing on them. Sunday. National Sticky Bun Day. Sunday. Just how wet are they, you know? Why is it just wet?

Why is there so much condensation in that bitch? There's not more of a fake thing to eat than a sticky bun, but why do they hit sticky buns in the vending machine? So gross, but damn. Dude, if you eat a sticky bun, you need a hotel towel to dry your whole body off after Eat a sticky bun Without your mouth being soaking wet after

If I take a bite of a sticky bun I get four zits On command Four The stars have a line Takes one bite of a sticky bun Ew You could eat 45 sticky buns

Without a drink and your throat would be like Yeah makes sense Sticky buns I'm always like halfway tempted to get one though Cause they're like $1.50 in the vending machine And you're like damn $1.50 Must be good like a dollar fifty in the vending machine and you're like damn one fifty

must be good I'm such a bitch when it comes to that vending machine shit big Texas bun I'm like I always want to try shit I've never had even if I know I'm not gonna like it in the vending machine I'm like fuck

like you look at that weird it's always top ride I'm like why do I kind of want to try those fucking Funyuns it's always no for me it's always the Andy Capps hot fries I was like what would those taste like it's because the bag the guy in the Andy the guy in the hot fry bag Is just flipping that bitch in his mouth I'm like what if I did that What if I was Andy That's the first time I would get Andy Capps hot fries I would eat the first one like that

And I'd miss my mouth and be like fuck I don't even want these Andy Capps That's exactly what it is I'm always like kind of tempted to get them Andy Capps Hot fries Andy Capps I hate Andy Capps

Andy Capps Hot fries He's flipping that bitch in his mouth Who's really like Can you get some milk eggs and some Andy Capps hot fries? They don't have Andy Capps. They don't fucking want any. Andy Capps hot fries.

Who's getting those? All right, yo. Shot 146. Espresso pod. Espresso podcast. All right, yo. Shot 146. Spresso Pod. Spresso Podcast. I'm your host, Andy Kapp. No, thanks for listening. Remember to follow on TikTok, Instagram, Cameo, Twitter,

at Benedict Polizzi. Subscribe, rate, review. DM some celebs. Hope you guys had a good V-Day. Stay on the lookout for some vids. Stay safe, yo. I'll talk to you guys next week. I fam.