Espresso - conspiracy theories

Episode Date: January 7, 2021

THE MOST A.D.D. podcast IN THE WORLD (world) (world) this week ben brings his comedian homie Joey Bender (@BenderJoey) and they realize that Neil Armstrong forgot his lines during the moon landing bc he saw a hot alien, they reminisce about being home alone during a Zoro burglary and they nail down that Joey looks like QB #6 on Madden create-a-player. Both Ben and Joey agree the show Next is MTV's Mona Lisa, if you know your Apple ID you're a serial killer and MCL cafeteria is a treatment center for knee injuries. They go #ViViViViral and do #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😎 𝘿𝙈 𝙤𝙧 𝙏𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝘼𝙉𝙔 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙙 ! (@benedictpolizzi) >>>> 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄! <<<<< 𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝗲𝗻!: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by WaveOne Media. If you want to start your own show, visit thewaveone.com. Shot 140. Oh, God. You ready to rap? I'll go first and you go. Lordy, lord lordy Shot 140 Espresso pod

Yeah yeah Oh my god It's Benny P And Joey B Okay Take it away Here we go lordy lord Three time all state altar boy What Okay. Take it away. Here we go. Lordy Lord. Give praise.

Three-time All-State altar boy. What? To get ahead, you gotta give. You know Father P in the house. Yep. Are we gonna be quiet as a mouse? Nope. Stand up.

All rise. Now take a knee. Now sit. Now stand. Now sit. Now stand. This is Catholic Church. Genuflect first, genuflect first Put the rosary around your neck first

Eucharist, Eucharist, Eucharist You get the gist, amen Oh my god That was way too hard Way too hard for Monday night Now turn to page 140 in your gather books for the espresso intro. Dude. In the hymnal?

Dude, what was your... Oh my God. And he will raise you up. What was that book called that your Catholic church read out of? Raise You Up was... That was the name of the book? No, it was named a song. No, what was the book called?

A hymnal or a fucking song. No, you knew the name. We had Rise Up and Sing and Gather. Well, I used to like, they'd put like- Not that I- You remember the old gas station signs that you could input the actual letters? How like caveman is that? I loved it.

But they put it on that wooden board? At like Wrigley Field, there's some guy that just works the- Yeah, that's got something to it though though. But like Speedway gas station? The historic tradition. 99 cent slushies. But when it got up to like $4.87, it's like, dude. Chill. When you saw him do that, weren't you like,

ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma. He's changing the price. Your dad was like, oh, I know what it's going to be. I've never looked at a gas price. I think you've told me that before. Well, it's because you only put $5 in every time. You don't care what it's going to be. I've never looked at a gas price. I think you've told me that before. Well, it's because you only put $5 in every time. You don't care what it costs. No chance.

I'll take 10 on pump four. 10 on four. 12 was my magic number. Really? Yeah. I always did 10 on four when I was in high school, and it sounded so cool, like popping in 10 on four. And you're like, get pump six.

Yeah. You always got to go back out and check what pump you're on huh no you look and they're like you're like they look out there all right dude we gotta stop it's a black honda accord like that's pump 12 you're like yeah whatever whatever joey bender on the podcast comedian indie you guys know you guys might know me from uh like the one of those guys that sits in your uh follow request boxes for For a long time. Yeah, and then you're like, delete. I never knew him.

Who is this guy? I stay in everyone's request box. Yeah, you're in mine for my fake account. Yeah. Still in there. You always think it's your boss as a fake account. Every time I see someone I don't know, I'm like, this is clearly my boss or his wife.

There's nobody else it could be. You're public, so you don't give a shit. I work in mean i work in the corporate world and every time i see an account i don't know hr it's like some cute girl slorissa name no her name's rachel for sure everybody knows like 19 rachels all right so what's up not much i mean shout out your socials real quick uh my socials yeah so sh ssn switchblade pony boy oh at bender joey just like it sounds b-e-n-d-e-r j-o-e-y you get some merch yeah i got some ben pulizzi merch yeah i got uh. Damn, man. You ever see that guy? You walk around downtown a little bit. I'm trying to track him down. I think you hired him personally.

People think that. People come up to me and they're like, was that set up? And I'm like, how could that ever have been set up? No, no one can do that. You can't do that. No. If it's set up and you had to pay him a million dollars. It would be worth a million dollars.

A million dollars. For sure. If you can do that on the spot. Indiana Land. Dude, in his that on the spot. Indiana land. Dude, in his joy in his face. Indiana land. That's so Indiana. What's like the most Indiana thing you can think of?

No, like create a scenario. Like you wake up in the morning and like what's the most Indiana day you could possibly have? You got right to kill the rest. You slip on like a Reggie Miller jersey. You're sleeping in it. Yeah. You don't have to put that on. Yeah, yeah. You're like you wake up Miller jersey. You're sleeping in it. Yeah. You don't have to put that on. Yeah, you wake up just in what you're sleeping in.

You're a Reggie Miller jersey. And like those Indian moccasin slippers, but they have fur on the inside. Everyone has those. Everyone has them. I get them for my mom every year. Everybody has them. The only thing we get are my mom. And how sweaty do your feet get in those?

Dude, they reek. Your whole family had them, though. Yeah, but we, yeah, exactly. And you just re-up every Christmas? Every Christmas. That's all we get my mom. My mom gets us, like, thousands of them. Yes! Every year! She has no idea. Done. Oh, what could this be? No one's

meaner to me after a show than my mom. She's like, you blew that punchline on the first show, and you lost me. Mine, too, dude. She's like, I could tell you had two beers before the show tonight. I'm like, what the fuck? My mom was like, you're breathing too loud into the microphone. I was like, oh my God. I'm like, I'm nervous.

Like, if you want honest feedback, you're family, dude. They will roast you. How mean are they to you? It's like, it's just. The toughest crowd of all time. They're like, it's just my dream, mom. No big deal. That's not funny.

She's like, that wasn't a funny joke. I didn't like that joke. Thumbs down. All right, all right, all right. You trying to get into these DMs? Yeah. You actually gave me this idea. Espresso, quick, quick, quick question of the week.

Of the week. What conspiracy theory do you believe in? That was the question, but for real, what's yours? The reason I was talking about it was because it was brought to my attention that people think Britney Spears is being held captive by her stepdad. It's a huge thing right now. Yeah. They think that someone standing outside of her Instagram videos

holding a gun virtually to her head and saying this, like, you know, say this stuff. I thought that was crazy. I thought it was stupid. I'm doing some research. I think it really happened. Somebody's saying she died. Honestly, hey, say less. I'm on board.

Give me any conspiracy, I'm on board immediately. It's like guilty until proven innocent, in my opinion, for conspiracies. Conspiracy theory you believe in. Coffee Sarah. Avril Lavigne is actually dead and her paparazzi double named Melissa is acting as her now to continue to get money for the record label. That's like the most real thing of all. That's like a thing.

How about our parents thinking that the moon landing didn't happen? Our parents? Yeah. Does anybody really? I don't think it happened. I don't think so either. Dude, there's no way it happened. The flag. When somebody pointed out that the flag was waving, but there's no wind on the moon. Yeah, dude, my dad can't even change a Word document to a PDF,

and you're going to tell me his generation landed on the moon. Can't even change the TV. No, my dad has three remotes, one for volume, one for the channel, and one for, like, Red Zone. I hate that. Those are the guys that landed on the moon. Conspiracy theory you believe in. K.O. Casey. The moon is haunted.

I mean, how could it not be haunted? Have you ever been in a dark basement where you felt alone, Ben? That's the scariest thing of all time. Why is there immediately someone down there? Instantly. All my friends. That's the most irrational thing of all time Why is there immediately someone down there? Instantly All my friends That's the most irrational fear of all time Let me just channel all my dead family

Every time everyone leaves my house I'm like, there's somebody here Instantly What is it? Right when the door closes I live in a studio apartment That's 500 square feet I can see every angle

And the second someone leaves my apartment And I lock the door There's 14 people in there Hey guys You ever have like a burglar scare when you're a kid? I see everything. And the second somebody leaves my apartment and I lock the door, there's 14 people in there. Hey, guys. You ever have like a burglar scare when you're a kid? I had a... You like see a commercial about a burglar and I was like, wow, that happens. It like puts that picture in your head.

When I was a kid, though, they had, you know, those like street signs in the street in your cul-de-sac or whatever. That'd be like, watch out for this guy. And it was still the guy with like a fedora and like an eye mask. Like he was... Yeah, like a 1960s burglar. What was that guy? Zorro? Yeah, watch out for this guy and it was still the guy with like a fedora and like an eye mask like he was uh what was that guy Zorro yeah watch out for Zorro he comes in your house through the front door that's my curtains up with a z and I'm like thanks Zorro you want to take anything or watch out for this guy yeah watch out for this guy the neighborhood watch sign you're like mom Zorro came in here and sliced the curtains open. She's like, I know that was you and your friends. She already has a belt in her hand.

She's like, all right. Zorro's about to tear that. Zorro's about to tear that. She just Zorro's my ass with a belt. Just a red Z on your ass. Zorro's outside the kitchen window like, yeah. That's right. He's like laughing at me while I'm getting beat.

You didn't read the sign, bitch. This dude. This guy. Dude, all of these, everyone coming in here with DMs is the moon landing. Underscore Lexi Rex. I don't think the moon landing video is real. Yeah, I think it landed on the moon, but there's no way the video is real. My thing is this. All those astronauts say that they couldn't see any stars when they landed on the moon landing video is real yeah i think it landed on the moon but there's no way the video is real my thing is this all those astronauts say that they couldn't see any stars when they landed on the moon and it's a proven fact that if you landed on the moon in any direction whatsoever

the stars would be magnificent like they got the wrong script what do you mean like whoever you know orchestrated the moon landing was like here's what you got to say when they ask you questions because obviously you can't just like land on the moon and be like we're not doing questions what yeah like you gotta say some shit no you landed upon the moon dude just don't say anything i'm out on questions it took my breath away i couldn't respond one small step for man one giant leap for mankind did he fuck that up no he nailed it i think he kind of stuttered. I think he didn't know what to say to the script, dude. Hold on.

One small step for manses. Dude, I think he butchered this a little bit. No, he didn't. It was lag time to Houston. There's going to be an ad. This is Chime. Here we go. Very, very fine-grained as you get close to it.

It's almost like a powder. Ground mass is very fine. It sounds like that dude that can't talk, so he has to. Yeah. Stephen Hawking. First man on the moon. Stephen Hawking. One small step for man.

One giant leap for mankind. Dude, I think he fucked it up. He was probably, his breath was taken away. Take my breath away. But it was fake, though. They're at Area 51 doing this. Yeah, that's true. So it was very good acting.

But he just meant to say the last... That's one small step for man. And right there in his head, he's like, Oh, fuck. He's like, oh, there's another line. Can they edit that out? And then he's like, oh fuck I said it wrong. He's like, oh there's another line. Can they edit that out? And then he's like, I got it, I got it, I remember. One giant leap for mankind.

That's it, that's it. Yeah. Dude, he butchered the most famous line in history. He butchered it, dude. But I think he was trying to time it up with his foot hitting the ground. And he was like, you know, he was like trying to find the ground. He was like, oh fuck, I forgot there's no gravity. Yeah, he was like, wait for his leg to hitting the ground. And he was like, you know, he's like trying to find the ground. He's like, oh, fuck, I forgot there's no gravity. Yeah, he's like, wait for his leg to hit the ground.

He's like, oh, I got to actually push my foot down. Give me like 25 minutes, I'm still in the air. Yeah. He like lets go of the ladder and he just starts floating away. He's like, that's one small step. Oh, Johnson. He said, we have a problem. He let go of the ladder He's like say something

Another guy's like it's a beautiful view man They pass it Yeah they pass it He's fucked He's going back to earth right now Pick it up they'll edit it out Oh this is beautiful One beautiful landing for my mans is.

For the guys. Fuck. For the boys. For the fellas. Damn it. That's not. All right, here we go. What would you say if you landed on the moon?

Like, off the top of your head. I'd be like, this is tight. I'd be like, whoa, this is tight. You be like whoa this is tight you guys should see this shit what would you say i'd be like i let my foot hit the ground first that way i knew that i was actually on the moon i'd be like call me moon man boy did you start rapping again yeah and i'd go right into moon man moon yeah that's me moon man moon man, that's me. Caught a glock and a three. Moon man, moon man, yeah, that's me. This big ball looks like some cheese, yeah.

Cheese man, cheese man. Moon man, JB. Oh, geez, man. I'm on this bitch. Okay, okay. It was good, though. It was good. Anyway.

Dude, I always loved, whose man's is this? And immediately just start singing, this man It was good. Anyway. Dude, I always loved, who's man's is this? And immediately just start singing, this man's is my man's. This man's was made. All right. Hey, hey. Mike. Dude, why was I just your substitute teacher there? All right.

Mike Pask, 18. Denver International Airport conspiracy. I've heard of that. That's like some real shit My brother was in Denver So what's up with that? Do you know about it? There's just like a bunch of like The thing about it is that it's Denver people that explain it to you and has a Denver person ever explained anything to you?

I don't want them to That's a whole day Yeah, it's like Dude, in the basement of the airport, it was built over Abraham Lincoln's carcass. And you're like, what? You want to go hiking real quick? Yeah, come on. I'll tell it to you in the mountains.

Drop some acid. You're like, no, I don't want to do that. I want to know about. I'm on a layover. I'm about to get. You're at the airport. You're TGI Fridays in the Denver airport. You're like, I'm just having a bud

light and a blooming onion. Dude, I just met you. It was the most popular Denver International Airport conspiracy. I've been to the Denver airport a lot. For what? Dude, I love the Broncos.

Here we go. Conspiracy theories you believe in. Alexander underscore W. Stevie Wonder isn't blind. Dude, I think he can see a little bit out of his right eye. I think all blind people can see a little bit. No, there's just a little part of it. There's a corner of his right eye.

He says he shakes his head like he does because when he shakes his head, he can see colors. Apparently, when you shake your head head left and right some blind people can see colors because like either blood or whatever in your eyeballs it provides color but i think it's because he can see a little bit out of the corner of his right eye that's when he caught that microphone i'll never forget i didn't see that dude 9-11 and when stevie wonder caught his microphone two things i'll never forget where it was. He caught his microphone. There was a microphone falling in front of him at like the VMAs or some shit.

And he just reached his hand out and caught it. Was everybody like... No, not until like the next day. They were like... It was on top ten. SportsCenter top ten. And our number one player, this blind guy. They were like, Odell Beckham had a great catch, but how about this one?

Blind Stevie Wonder catches. Can't really beat that. Odell Beckham Jr. one-handed touchdown? With eyesight? Yep. Try again, buddy. We'll one-up you. This guy.

It's on ESPN's top 10. Has no vision. Blind man catches It's always like Always some like weird hockey goal That's number one How about this This is going to get really messed up

And you're going to lose definitely a lot of followers How about when they do the top ten Here's what I always think When they do the top ten plays And they hand it off to the autistic kid And he scores a touchdown They never make that the number one play It's always like 7.

Yeah. And you're like, dude, okay, if we're going to give him some credit, let's give him all the credit. The first person to do that. They're like, top 10, they're like, No. 10 coming out of Penn State game and they're up 400-0 over nobody land. And here's the handoff to Ricky, and Ricky's going to go for the touchdown. That's heartwarming.

And, like, some guy says that. They're like, let's get back to real Ricky. And Ricky is going to go for the touchdown. That's heartwarming. And some guy says that. They're like, let's get back to real sports. And at number six. It's like, is make a wish run? It's like, all right, rest in peace, Ricky. Now to number nine. Number nine.

Ten is so disrespectful. Ten's like, I guess. Like, we had to put this one on. Here we go. Spence is dense. Conspiracy theories you believe in. This dude goes, you have real hair. That's the funniest one of them all.

You're the only guy I know that had actual hair who got a hair procedure and who shaves the hair off his body. Can't take all this hair. Hey, but you put like extra on my head. Can you take my forearm hair and put it on my head? Yeah, that's where they took it from. It's coming in, bro. Look at this. So it looks super fair.

My buddy got a hair graft like that one time. And they go by follicle count. So like it's all about follicles. And they go by follicle count. So, like, it's all about follicles. And I was sitting there playing a video game with him one time, and he, like, missed a shot on Tiger Woods Golf and hit himself in the head and, like, two follicles fell out. He called them immediately.

It was like, two of my follicles fell out, blah, blah, blah. Dude, it's weird. The first week? Yeah. They just fall out because, like, your hair is obviously, your head's not used to, like, growing hair. Well, yeah, it's like trying to get rid of the fake thing in your head. The graph of the turf.

Your artificial turf. It's like Las Vegas' stadium where they grow the turf outside and they slide it into the stadium. The grass is like, dude, what are we doing inside? I know. We're not supposed to be here. It starts dying immediately. All right, let's do two more. All right. This is a good one from you. It starts dying immediately. Alright, let's do like two more. Alright.

This is a good one from when you asked who I am. In case people don't know. The list of people I look like. In case they see me. Who do you look like? What do you mean? Matt Balmer, Steve from Stranger Things,

John Mayer, The Flex, quarterback number six face in Madden creative player 2006. That's funny. Who made that up? Jim Carrey, Anthony from queer. I dude from DePaul. I don't know who that is.

Robin thick, Mr. Hankey, a poo. Never heard of a poo. Colin Yost, Henry Caveville, Ferris Bueller,

Jonah from Veep, Brennan, Frazier, Spencer, more ashen, Kutcher, Forrest Gump. It sounds like a weed in start the fire.

People. I look like Brennan, Frazier, Spencer, more ashen, cook, Forrest Gump. It sounds like we didn't start the fire. People I look like. Brendan Fraser, Spencer Moore, Ashton Cook, Forrest Gump, Dirk, no whiskey, Neil, Caffrey, white collar, white color and glee. I don't know what that means. Who did this? The guy from Netflix, the boys I loved before. Dude, the Madden creative player thing is so damn. White quarterback number six.

That was the only one in this thing I made up on my own. Oldest brother from 7th Heaven was also me. What's Joey look like? Every guy from the 90s and QB number six and Madden creative player. Alright, here, a couple more. Katie JP. Conspiracy theories you believe in. JFK assassination.

He was talking about exposing the Federal Reserve. UFOs. Being a privately owned organization before he got shot. There was a man they set up to blame. So, messed up. There's way more to it. They say it was the Irish mob. Some people say it was the UFO people. Aliens.

Because he wanted to expose the aliens. He's the first president that wanted to expose UFOs, which ironically is written under the COVID bill. Did you see that? No, what? 180 days from the day the bill was signed, they had to expose everything we know about all aliens.

Shut up. I'm dead serious. When did they sign the bill? Like a couple weeks ago. Damn. So we have like... 160 days. Yeah. So we find like 160 days Yeah

So we find out if Science is real Science dude Scariest movie of all time I was so skinny in high school I looked like that alien You know when they see him Walking between the crevice

Of the buildings Scariest moment in cinema I looked at it And I just thought The screen was black And I was looking at myself I was like Mom are we watching home videos

Yeah I was like Oh this is my 7th birthday No this is my seventh birthday. No, this is signs. Dad's putting knives under the door. That was fucked up. I was like, are we still watching home videos? Dad always used to do that to me.

Dad always used to do that during high school. Are you in your room, boy? Knife under the door. It's like, name a movie that was sci-fi that's most like your real life signs obviously i always use a stand on top of the fucking shed in the middle of the night crazy uncle living under the staircase like harry potter that room was dope i don't want that room that weird guy under the stairs uh walking pho Phoenix? Yeah. That's like every New York City apartment. Spell Joaquin. W-A-L-K-I-N-G?

That's exactly... Joaquin Phoenix. That's literally how I spell it in my head. That's how I say it. Imagine looking at a newborn baby and being like, his name's Joaquin. With a J. With a J.

Is he going to live under the stairs and be the Joker? Or is he going to be Harry Potter? Let's go viral. Want to go viral? Going viral with Ben. Viral. Viral. Viral.

Viral. Going viral with Ben Polizzi. I heard that. You heard that? I heard that. Going viral, Ben Polizzi. Okay. I heard that. You heard that? I heard that. I think my thing's been too low this whole time. Whole time.

We're going to have to redo this whole podcast tomorrow. Yeah, it's fine. Hashtag. Is it cheating? Hashtag is it cheating? You want to do that? Hashtag is it cheating? Is it cheating do that? Hashtag is it cheating. Is it cheating?

Oh, yeah, I know you're going. Say I rear-end somebody, right? And I get out of my car, they get out of their car to exchange numbers for insurance. And it's a woman, and I have a girlfriend. Is it cheating if I get her number? Yeah. You just have to hit and run, bro. No, you either have to hit and run or just stay in your car

until your girlfriend gets there to get her number. Hey, can I get your number for this accident? You had me on Snap. You can follow my OnlyFans. Actually, I don't need your number. Just follow me on Instagram. Actually, do you have, like, Bumble? Can I get your Bumble info?

I'm sorry about the accident You stand there and swipe at the cross section Until you guys find each other And you're like alright alright So we can communicate You lower the distance down to one mile Right here mean you That'll be eight grand though

She's like thanks here's my number That'll be eight grand That was the dumbest thing I've ever done Why'd you make me download this app? That'll be eight grand though. She's like, thanks. Here's my number. That'll be eight grand. That was the dumbest thing I've ever done. Why'd you make me download this app? Dude, when people make you download an app though. Oh my God. Can you be more rude? You don't know about my storage situation.

Oh, not just that, but it's like, oh, what's your email? What's my Apple ID? All right. Anyone names their Apple ID off the top of their head, serial killer. Psycho. They get in the shower, then they turn it on. Dude, that is really weird. Do people do that?

No one does that. I do it every day. 6 a.m. How about people that take a shower, and then at the end, they turn it cold for like one minute? I do that. It's healthy. It was on Men's Digest. You're crazy.

It's good for your skin. I'm crazy. I don't shave my forearms. Who doesn't, dude? You shave your knuckles? I shave my hands. No. Do you know how hairy my hands would be?

Hashtag memories. Hashtag memories of MTV. Oh. Getting nexted off the bus. How about when the guy would come off the bus and the girl would automatically snap next? And he's like Neil Armstrong with his foot not on the ground yet. Just a small step for next. That's what actually happened on the moon landing, dude.

One small step for, and the other astronaut was like, next. And he was like, fuck, one giant. He lets go of the fucking ladder. He got next in mid-fucking-land. He got next. There's just a girl on a bench in a park like, next. There's like one alien chick on the moon. She's like, next.

He's like, what the fuck? Heels. Heels. Green alien. Yeah, green alien. It's a science alien. Chris Hansen's hosting it He's already there

Is Chris Hansen the Bachelor guy Or is that the guy who catches predators I don't know And then there's the and one guy Chris Handles What would your and one name be Mine would be Dirty Dishes I only throw assists I never shoot

Dirty Dishes Don't shoot once dishes because my i only throw assists i never shoot dirty dishes don't shoot once not once i have like 37 assists zero points i can't dunk and i can't shoot so what am i supposed to do i come to the high post and i catch the ball i pivot pump fake and then throw pass yeah just the elbow every time. Elbow. Triple threat. Elbow, triple threat, and then I step with my...

Mine might be triple threat. Why isn't that one, dude? Why isn't triple... Vin Diesel starring in triple threat. Why isn't triple threat like like a kids basketball movie yet? Mine would be Triple Threat. Only I don't play. Ever.

I just like take the warm-ups off the guys. That's one of three things. Yeah. Warm-up removal, water. And I bring like gum. So, memories of MTV. Was Next the hottest show on MTV? Like, I never wanted to watch Next, but it was always just on.

I was like, oh. Like, it was like that was the time I turned the TV on. So, I got, like, the other night, I was like, I re-subscribed to MTV, and I watched a couple episodes of Next, and it was so bad. It's horrible, dude. The acting. It's not good. It's so bad.

I didn't realize it was, like, all acting and shit. I thought I remember, like, real legitimate. The lines were so bad. But Cribs not good. It's so bad. I didn't realize that it was all acting and shit. I thought I remember real legitimate. The lines were so bad. But Cribs was good. Cribs was probably the best show of all time on MTV. Pimp My Ride was so iconic, too. Room Raiders. Oh, Room Raiders is unbelievable.

Dude, imagine getting the blue light and being like, Oh, I forgot to wash my bed before I was on Room Raiders. How about them just kidnapping somebody in real time and throwing them in a van? I mean, like, guess what? You're on MTV. That's what it really should be. Like, you, like, obviously... Like, it wouldn't be more of a freak out. Obviously, you have to try out and sign waivers, and they're like,

we're gonna kidnap you at 3 o'clock on Saturday. Act like you don't know we're coming. Guys, I was like, who? They're, like, perfectly dressed, forms are cleanly shaven, and it's like, oh, I had no idea. You have the freshest haircut in the state of Indiana, and you're like, oh, I got all this done, but... Hashtag adulting in four words. Buffalo chicken dip please

Where's my stimulus check Where's the stimmy fam You're like a young adult I guess Did you get yours I got mine It's a good little surprise I don't know I haven't looked I never look

Like when people at work are like we just got paid I'm like You're like did we got paid I'm like You're like can we get paid biannually or how's it work again I don't care You're like I have overdraft protection on I just keep hitting the card Right dude that's what I do

Alright do you know If we get paid this week or next week I'm like I don't even know if I get paid bro I work here like for the camaraderie You're like I've done I work here because I like when people ask if I've seen this movie. All it is at work. Hey, have you seen every conversation? I work here for Instagram followers. That's it. Did you like your service today? Follow me on

Instagram. I need a tip. I don't ask for tips. Followers are currency. Come to my next show. Please. Sit next to my mom. Followers are currency. Followers are my money. Take me in followers. If I come back to this table in 10 minutes and I have 5 followers you're free to go.

Don't forget your Tico box. Please forget it. I need to eat tonight Alright let's see days Tuesday National Bird Day What's your favorite bird? What's the state bird of Indiana? Bet you don't know

Cardinal Is it really? I saw a cardinal the other day That motherfucker was gorgeous What'd it look like? Bird of Indiana, but you don't know. Cardinal. Is it really? I saw a Cardinal the other day. That motherfucker was gorgeous. What did it look like? It just looked exactly like Mark McGuire. Shut up.

No, it was beautiful. He had a bulging neck and was just slamming home runs. Yeah, he was eating a Big Mac. For all your listeners, this is the best thing you can do. Go watch the 97 home run derby. Mark McGuire's one out left and it's 17 home runs. And they're all over 400 feet. Hey, conspiracy theory. 97 home run derby.

That's my number one. I'm convinced it was a hologram. And they weren't actually throwing pitches. Did he really have one left? Dude, he had one out left and just everyone lost their mind. It was like watching Jordan dunk from the free throw line, but on steroids, literally.

Did he win? Oh, yeah. It would cut to the fan group over the stands, of course. Oh, they're canoeing for his ball? No, that was Barry Bonds on the West Coast. This was somewhere else. And there'd always be these little kids that were just getting pelted by these balls. And they'd be

so excited. You'd see grown men just throwing these children around, grabbing the balls. Anything goes, dude. Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa though. Oh my god. Did that transcend? Transcend?

Transcend. Did that transcend? That's literally how you think it's said. That's exactly what my dad would say. Did that transcend baseball? My dad calls it COVID. I'm like, it ends in a D, Dad. My dad said Corvid. COVID.

Like it was a car. Like a Ford. Corvid. Chevy. I got a Corvid 69 back in the old... Chevy Corvette. I got a 99 Chevy Corvette. I got a 2019 Chevy Corvette.

National Whip Cream Day. Are you cool whip or ready whip? Always cool. Always chilling. But I also stay ready. I'm too cool for that Dude At a I'm not gonna say the name

Of the restaurant or the person But there's a Prominent restaurant In Indianapolis That had to Remove cool whip Or whipped cream From their desserts

Because too many Of the wait staff Was whipping Doing whippets with them Yeah I heard that Probably for me Can't disclose. It was MCL cafeteria.

Dude, they would go under if they didn't put whipped cream on pumpkin pie. You ever seen an old lady? MCL cafeteria, dude. Let's name our cafeteria after somebody's knee that tears on a field. That's where they take you after you tear your MCL. They just take you there. They don't even give you surgery. They just take you to MCL cafeteria.

Eat up, pal. This is treatment. They're playing Torn by Natasha Bedefield. Nothing's right, I'm torn. I'm all out of faith. Wednesday, National Bean Day Bush's baked beans Remember the golden retriever

Who would never give up the secret What was it Bush's baked beans It wouldn't give up the secret Like ingredient The golden Yeah The ingredients

The Bush's baked beans The golden retriever Had the secret And he would never tell What if he wouldn't Take one ton of my bag They held a gun up to his head And The golden retriever had the secret and he would never tell. What if he wouldn't take one ton of my bud? They held a gun up to his head and the golden retriever.

He wouldn't tell. You know that dogs don't eat their owners when they die? Cats do. No. Yeah, dogs will starve to death before they eat their owner. Cats will eat them straight up and they're not even hungry. They'll snack on them. Just like nibble it. Just like kind of tease you a little bit. Yeah. Cats would. Dude, they're not even hungry they'll snack on them just like nibble it just like kind of tease you a little bit yeah cats would do their trash cats are trash dude i no respect none i asked

29 people in a in a focus study amongst my friends how much they pay for their cat average cost was two dollars and 19 cents shut up dead serious nobody cats. No one wants them. How come people love cats? I mean, people you know maybe. I don't hang out with people that are like, I have a cat. I like cats. I don't hang out with them. Completely removed it. That's the first thing that ever changed on my hinge was if you have a cat, just...

Stop. X. X me. Straight up. Cats are trash. It's like, hey, do you have a bunch of cups sitting around your apartment that you want to spill it over when you wake up? $2.19. Hey, you want everything on the ground?

Do some people live and die by cats? I'll die. I'll die. I'll live away from them and die when I see them. Cats, it's an Egyptian thing. Like pharaohs, you see the big cats next to the pyramids? That's where it started. Cats were praised as an almighty type of animal.

Oh yeah, there were gods over there. So cats are gods? Yeah. Okay. So whatever I just said, forget it. I was an altar boy for cats. Thursday. National bobblehead day.

Can't stand them. What's the point? People collect them. I have the whole Pacers team on my... I have about 17 bobbleheads. Everybody just has one. Bobblehead night. Whether you want one or not, you have a bobblehead.

What's the most famous bobblehead you can think of? Probably like the Indians mascot, Rowdy. What about that Hawaiian girl that would, on every taxi driver in New York's dashboard? The first bobblehead. The first one ever. Yeah. What about that song, She's a Bobblehead? Boing, ba-ba-boing, ba-boing, ba-boing. It go,

sucky, sucky, sucky. Dude, what a song. It turned all my favorite athletes into cocksuckers. She's a bobblehead. She's a bobblehead. Just Michael Jordan. I look at Michael Jordan and I'm like,

it was like a harmless icon of my childhood. That was just sucky, sucky, sucky. Sucky. Friday. National Argyle Day. Argyle's back, I heard heard I don't think it ever left Serious? Argyle? The pattern?

Or is that like a band? Yeah I'm going to see Argyle They're opening up for Stain You're the lead singer dude They're opening up for Stain They open up for Plaid God damn it. All right.

This podcast is trash. Like a Friday. Sunday. That's the best part of this podcast. National Sunday supper. Dude, if you say supper, first of all. Indiana. That's the end of our Indiana days.

Name your Indiana day. You wake up in a Reggie Miller jersey, and I say, what's for supper? And then the day's over. Then the day's over because it gets dark here at 5. No, it really is like 4.30. It's like 1.30 in the afternoon. The sun's going down. What's for sup?

What's up? Sup.30. It's like 1.30 in the afternoon. The sun's going down. What's for sup? What's up? Sup. I'm not really asking what's up. I'm like, what are we eating tonight? You look like it, too. You get more swole every time I see you. It's just foul. No one walks in the doors of Elephant more than me. I was there one time with you and you came in and out

five times in one workout. Where do you go when you go out to the parking lot? I've always wondered that. I go and run outside. No. I hate treadmills. Is that real? I hate treadmills, dude. Is this the honest truth?

I've always wondered. I run in that little neighborhood. That's my neighborhood. Don't run in there anymore. I always think of you when I run in there. I always run into Joe's house. I dinged on Ditchie and leave. Your mom's like, hi?

My mom. I'm like, why was there a Z on the curtain? All right, that's it. Shot 140. Spress Up Podcast with Joey Bender. Remember to get some merch. Follow on Twitter, Instagram, Cameo, all that Benedict Polizzi. And follow at J Bender?

Joey Bender? Bender Joey. Bender Joey. Merch is on the website. 10% goes to the Barstool Fund. I'll talk to you guys next week. I have him. Hear ye, hear ye.

Come one, come all. And hail to the all mighty. ¡Esta es la hora! ¡Esta es la hora!