Espresso - craziest NYE stories

Episode Date: January 6, 2022

🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻����𝘆 4 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) on this episode Ben has Comedian @rayhensleycomedy on to answer the Espresso Question of the week: what's your craziest NYE story? (like f*cking up a cowboy) 86 NEWS reports on a SQUIRREL that terrorizes an entire CITY, the boys admit their dream jobs are working at a booth inside a parking garage, Ben decides he's naming his kid Elvis, Ray orders at Qdoba in ASMR, they petition to have the balloon game on ESPN and both realize old playground equipment is the reason everyone has CTE 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Espresso shot 192 with my dude Ray Hensley. What's up? But before we get into it, I have a little news. For 86 News, I'm Johnson. And I'm Chet. Good heavy Chet. Good heavy Chet. In our global news segment, residents of a small town in Wales have been terrified by a quite unusual culprit. A squirrel went on a two-day rampage and bit 18 people. And now some people are afraid to leave their homes.

Yeah, Chad. A tiny squirrel did this. And it says here, the detective that investigated the squirrel rampage labeled the incident as a nutcase. the incident as a nutcase. What do you have on this, Jim? Reports were also saying that when questioned by authorities, the detective in charge said the culprit was being

squirrely. If I'm doing this, you can't do that. We're just messing around too much. But in all seriousness. We're having fun here. In all seriousness. They said the tiny culprit boarded an airplane and fled the country after the incident. And now he's classified as a flying squirrel.

Oh, my God. That's rich. Oh, my God. That's rich. It's also reported that his first day in jail with his tight little body, the squirrel's going to be in the shower with a mouth full of nuts. No, this is getting out of hand. And if it's not a mouth full, it's definitely going to be a chestnut.

Okay. Okay. Taking it too far. That's a corny joke. So. Brady Sakes News. I am Johnson. And I'm Chet. Thank you, Chet.

Hey, if you eat enough nuts, you know what they say? You become one. It's true. It is true. We could go on for days, but... What's up, bro? Not much. News, news real quick.

How come every time I'm on your podcast, I hurt my hand? Because you just beat the shit out of this. The last time. Out of this Derek. Derek! Yeah, I walk out of this bitch with red hands. He called me red-handed. But merch is out.

Espresso merch is out. We got some Johnson's hoodies, some Indiana Lynn hoodies, glonky hats. That's all in my bio on Instagram. And the Patreon is live. Join and get an extra pod every week along with some behind the scenes, some bloopers,

deleted scenes, stuff like that. You're going on tour. You got any news? Yeah, I'm going on tour. That's my news. That's it? That's it.

What's your first city? Logansport, Indiana. We're hitting up the State Theater in Logansport, Indiana. There's a theater out there? Dude, yes. It's a beautiful theater. It's an awesome theater. It's an old-timey theater.

It's been around for a long time, and they've refurbished the shit out of it. How do you know so much about it? Because I've done it a lot. Yeah, I mean, I've headlined this theater a couple times. It's not a big deal. I mean, it's, yeah, in front of eight people, in front of a 700-person front of a 700 i think i've been there have you it's like the fourth show i ever did they're like yeah i'll be at a theater i think they used to do a mic there and i was like hell yeah went there there's a there's like negative eight people in the crowd i think they made me

pay to get in and buy like lifesavers gummies i was like all right it's like west virginia remember when they that was like i think about that every day me and ray go out to do a show in west virginia there's two people there and the two people there are the people working the concession in the door we made zero money on that show too remember the hotel we stayed in before that oh yeah and it was it was dirty it It took you like... It looked like people were living in there right before we went in there. I think there was like somebody's towel. It wasn't a hotel towel.

It was like somebody's towel in the bathroom. It was like green and didn't match anything else. And there were pubes all over the fucking bathtub. I went in there... There were pubes? Yeah, I went in there and changed my pants and was like, get the fuck out, we're leaving. I think the towel had like a bleach stains on it too.

Yeah. From like acne medicine. Some fucking back knee. That's where I take care of my back knee is right there in the hotel room. You know? Yeah. That Neutrogena. No,

that place was fucking nasty. And I remember they did their credit card machine wasn't working. So you had to manually give that guy your, all your credit card info. Photoshopped my credit card. He took a picture of both sides of your credit card machine wasn't working so you had to manually give that guy your all your credit card info photoshopped my credit card he took a picture of both sides of your credit card you're like i don't know why i just don't feel good about that yeah something feels wrong about this place and then we fucking left and i was like dude that worked there didn't even have like a hotel like shirt on yeah he's wearing like fucking jeans and a t-shirt he looked like a fucking jersey on like

just a fucking guy you would see on the street this is all true he's just like this really happened and then we're like at least we'll do the show and kill it and we'll come back here and it'll all be fun went to the show zero people there it was in like a warehouse and they were like the local comic was like uh can we still do the show because we don't have stage time out here and i need to do some time and me and ben were like nah fuck that we're out i was like we're not making money we're out i'm not gonna fucking stay here and do this shit and then we did like 10 minutes yeah then we did but did an hour yeah i read out of my fucking notebook and just worked on new material and it was it's kind of fun right home was good it was a five and a

half hour drive to do a 10 minute open mic that was fun that was fun it was a good time it's every weekend we were supposed to stay the night that night and we decided bounced because we were supposed to what go we're like at least we'll hike the trails you know we'll go in the mountains we've never done that before we're like now we're leaving we played pool at a bar that we could have done here and just left yeah it was fun though it was all right yeah it was fun though it was all right yeah it was fun the food next door we had to order food from another bar next door that was the most west virginia shit i've ever done in my life remember their pizza rolls that they were talking about what were those things called pizza rolls they carried on about these fucking rolls

oh yeah the breadsticks stuffed with pepperonis we're like oh we got a place in indianapolis that is famous breadsticks pepperonis they brought're like, oh, we got a place in Indianapolis that has famous breadsticks stuffed with pepperonis. They brought them over. It was like pizza rolls barely defrosted. We're like, all right. It was literally pepperoni breadsticks. And we were like, oh, yeah, we got those in Indiana. They're like, no, you don't have these.

We're like, let's see what they can do here. You don't see what these are. And they're like, you got to fucking try them because they're pepperoni bread. They're like pepperoni rolls. I think that's what they're called, pepper rolls they're just fucking pepperoni sticks and west virginia went hard like i insulted them on stage like the two people that were that's the fattest shit you could have done and they were just like they're like oh well that's real food to us i'm like all right that's cool and i had them they're just

fucking pepperoni they're just pepperoni sticks. That's all they fucking are. Kilroy's has them. You know what I mean? Meyer has them in the freezer section. That's right. Yeah. And they were just bread with pepperoni in them.

That's all that they were. There was no sauce on them. Remember you had to dip in that cold ass marinara sauce? They got some sauce and cheese and breadsticks. Yeah, I'm going to make my own pizza right here. That place was, what a fun state we are visiting west virginia we will be back at the blue the blue parrot virginia is everything you think it is there was some dude at a bar remember after the show at crackers this past thursday we went to the bar called the tap and we just got a drink after and

like talked about jokes and stuff and there's a table there and a dude was wearing all west virginia stuff and he's like he was so west virginia it was crazy he's like you see that girl singing up there karaoke he goes i think she wants fucked jesus i was like dude you can't wear all west virginia shit and say that was that your sister what is this no we're yeah so we're going to west virginia on our tour we're going to yeah that's gonna be good advertising how many uh yeah so see you guys there pack it in bring the breadsticks we're doing indiana ohio kentucky pennsylvania west virginia south carolina florida texas like three times because the state's so freaking big,

New Mexico, Arizona, and then Missouri, and there's something else in there. I'm forgetting. You almost had them. You had that memorized. That's good. That'd be fun. Yeah, well, I mean, I've seen the flyer a billion times over. You have your shit together.

Yeah, and I had to record a bunch of promotional stuff like that so every single one of those videos every single one of those dates i had to do like hey guys ray hensley here i'm coming with the bottoms up comedy tour to logan's port indiana to the state theater on january 10th get your tickets links in the bio go check it out you know i had to do that 17 times all of these fucking you know how hard it is to do that kind of shit? I hate that. Yeah, no, it's... You're like, it took me three days to do all, just to get up and do it. I had no motivation to want to do that whatsoever. It's for your tour to get people out there.

You're like, I'm not doing it. It's for me to make money. And I'm just like, God, I just want to tell fucking jokes. That's all I want to do. Everybody else do it. Yeah, somebody else make them for me. Like, if I had a person to do that kind of shit, I would be like. You got to clone yourself, dude.

I need to like have. Clone yourself and have him do all the shit you don't want to do. I need like a doppelganger to just do that like little stupid shit that I don't want to do. I just want to get on stage, tell jokes, and then get off stage and then go sleep in my hotel room. That's it. All the posting on social media stuff all that other stuff that sucks it's boring to me i don't get like like you're great at it like you're still fantastic at it yeah and you put a lot of fucking work into it i've watched you in a hotel what restaurant up

in the upstairs oh yeah all fucking day working on this shit and i'm just like hey let's go do something i gotta finish i gotta finish this uh tiktok video i'm like all right i really just drank like a gallon of coffee and ate like 20 cashews all those fucking nuts back on the squirrel no that is nuts all right let's uh get to the espresso quick quick quick question of the week which is what's your crazy new year's eve story it can be from this year or from your whole life have you ever this year i did absolutely nothing isn't that the best though yeah i stayed at home and i played video games with my canadian buddy and then he's in the west coast on what game canadia we were playing canadia canadia we're playing this game called

stranded deep it's a deserted island like you're cast away kind of thing like is it on like is it computer it's on xbox yeah yeah so we played there and i had like a like a yeah i'm poor so i had like a case of you're like the first xbox yeah xbox 360 yeah the first one no the first one was just xbox oh was it really? Just the big black one. Remember how big Xbox controllers were when they came out?

Oh, yeah, they were. It's like, what the fuck? Am I holding onto a pillow? I got like little small hands too, so I had to like You can't reach the buttons? to reach the other

fucking bumper. You gotta type like your dad on the keyboard when you're playing Xbox. It's just like, it's just in my lap and I'm just like Just fucking pecking at it. Did you have that xbox i did have that xbox i

forgot all about that so it's xbox xbox 360 xbox one and now there's a new xs i don't know is there a new xbox they have a new xbox yeah i forgot it came out when the playstation 4 came out i don't such a big deal between ps2 and xbox when they first came out oh yeah remember that xbox that was blood no it's not playstation is that's not see we'll just not whatever over this right now all right you have to go see bye all right that was shot 192 that was shot 192 so my craziest new year's eve right we were on tour when i was playing music and we were in i was in a band right i played drums in a band i was the background singer in this band right we were you look like you play drums drums or tuba god

damn did you play the tuba I did yeah I can also you got tuba shoulders yeah I do I can see that thing just popping over your yeah right next to your head right on your fucking shoulder too yeah you got drum body for sure I can see you thing just popping over your... Right next to your head. Right on your fucking shoulder, too. Yeah, you got drum body for sure. I can see you in a basement just... These forearms are quick. You can do that thing with the stick. That's all I wanted to do ever. You can do that and catch it?

Yeah, I was a badass fucking drummer. Prove it. Prove it right now? Right here. Alright. So, you're like... We're all over the place on this. This is fun. I like this.

No, so my craziest news. We were on tour in like central Michigan, like near Kalamazoo kind of area. And we did this show at this barn. It was so fucking fun. And then that night at the barn, we got fucking trashed because there was like a bunch of bar. It sounds dangerous. There's a bunch of white guys at a barn with like tools on the walls, drunk.

And I was so fucking. Let's harvest some corn. I got so shit faced. I do not remember the ball dropping. And I woke up in the morning on a trampoline like three miles away in somebody's backyard. Somebody else's? Yeah, I don't even know who the fucking person was. But I woke up on a trampoline.

That's so crazy. So drunk you wake up in somebody else's property. In just my boxers. Dude, and you think like out there in the country where a barn is, some guy just would have been like, who's there? I don't know. I was in like somebody's fucking backyard on a trampoline. Fucking burnt. I know you't know. I was in somebody's fucking backyard on a trampoline. Fucking burnt.

I know you pissed yourself. I probably did. Just solo? There wasn't anybody else on the trampoline? No, it was just me. I'm surprised some crows weren't picking at your back or something. But I did hang my jeans and my t-shirt up properly on the edge of the trampoline. So I wasn't a total animal that night.

Not a total piece of shit. He made sure his jeans weren't wrinkly. Yeah. But you're face down in some asshole's trampoline. Dude, I was, I think I've only in my life only had like one or two New Year's kisses. What about you? I've had one that was random, which is the best. And then the other times, I don't know if I, yeah, I had a legit one.

But one was just super random. Like everybody at a house party and I was just like, fuck it. You're just like partner up. I'm kissing this guy. This guy. Come here, bro. Old Derekrick james gonna be jealous of that he's like oh fuck we gotta be somewhere near bed what are you doing new year's he calls me 50 times do anything tonight bro 11 59 he's like where the fuck are you

he just drives his car into my front window. Running around the city like Flash, just looking for you. That dude wants you so bad. Shut the fuck up. Dude's in a committed relationship. What are you doing, bro? Where are you? It's 11.59.

As soon as you give him the word, that shit's over. The word? Yeah, like, hey, Derek, come over. I want to fuck. He's like, hey, we're breaking up. I got to go. I give him the word every day. Do you?

Yeah. Lucky. Have you? So what were your kiss situations? One of them was random. You just looked to your left and did it? Yeah, we just partnered up. I was like, hey, so you don't have anybody?

Was it like a Josh? Who was it? It was a Chet. Where do you think I got that name from? It's fresh in my head. No, I don't remember this girl's name. The other one was just an old friend of mine from high school. We kissed on New Year's.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah, it's a weird thing. Every time it's going down,'m like is anybody does anybody know like i always think everybody forgot about the kiss part it's like five four and i'm like frantically looking around the room i'm like who am i gonna kiss and i feel like nobody else is doing that yeah like i was like can i lock eyes with somebody yeah like i'm like damn you guys are are still just carrying on, eating food and shit. It's time to kiss.

It's because I think most people plan that shit ahead. Oh, no. I'm like, we got five seconds. Let's go. I need a date for New Year's. And then, yeah. We're just like. Oh, that's what the whole New Year's date thing means,

that we're going to kiss later. I never understood that. Yeah, yeah. I've never had a date. I've never ever planned it that far no way because the five seconds out i procrastinate because the girl my high school friend that i kissed on new year's a few years back she just showed up to a show that i was at and then i was like hey you want to and she's like yeah you asked her yeah you pre-kiss asked yeah i was like why not

and then it was like a like a thing, and it's fucking awkward. It is! It's never like a smooth kiss. It's never like a smooth situation. It's like, well, I guess we have to do this now. It's so weird. You know what I mean? It's not spontaneous at all.

It's just fucking, yeah. You're like doing that kiss that they do in movies where they just like. And you're like standing next to each other just awkwardly, just like. Three, two, one. that kiss that they do in movies where they just like and you're like standing next to each other just awkwardly just like three two one and then you just fucking kiss and he's like oh see you later bye and you just fuck off never talk to him again yeah you haven't talked to her since i'll see you later jessica she's like it's not jessica i can't hear you the music's too loud see ya yeah it's weird. That's why you gotta do it in the last five seconds. The last five seconds?

The last five seconds is kiss time. Just grab somebody and fucking kiss them. I don't think you can do that anymore, though. It's New Year's. That's how you get fucking in trouble. Alright, let's go to this dude's voice message. King Ziggy. What's your crazy New York's Eve story?

New York's Eve. This one necessarily counts as New Year's Eve because it was already New Year's Day at this point. We was walking out of Taps and Dolls. That's a dangerous place. Downtown. That's a shitty place to walk on the sidewalk i see a dude in a cowboy hat on bullshit with the girl that i came with my homie comes over tugs his mustache because he had a handlebar mustache waxed hanging down his upper lip you don't fuck with that dude

and bro kicked my homie in the knee. So obviously, like any good homie had to do, I pushed him to the ground and I punched him in the face. And before I could beat him up anymore, my homies pulled me off of him and we left. So I don't know if that's necessarily

New Year's Eve, but it was definitely a crazy New Year's experience. This guy beat the shit out of a cowboy that guy has never watched this podcast there wasn't near enough man-on-man action in that shit like you gotta put something like yeah you gotta kiss him or something you gotta kiss him or fuck him or do something like he's like so you know bros being bros i pushed him to the ground and i hopped on top of him and i started making out with him i don't know if that's new year's eve or not but that's my crazy story i wish that would have been a that's i mean it's a it's a cool story i guess you fought a guy

you fought tony foxworthy congrats tony foxworthy is our friend. That's a comedian. He has a big curly mustache. And he's a ginger. It's gross. Angelica Christine. I don't think she knows that I'm going to say this on here,

but I'm going to do it. She didn't leave a voice message, so I got to do what I got to do. She goes, I slipped. Read it exactly how she did it. I'm going to. What's your craziest New Year's Eve story? I slipped and skinned my enter shin at a trap house.

So it's Haps and Dolls. Didn't feel a thing. Then I made a bed at the trap house in IU. And took a pic because I lied to my mom about where i was and she asked for a pic of me in bed and my first new york and i keep saying new york's eve my first new york's eve kiss was a girl all in one night drove all the way to Carmel the next morning and skated. Nice. That's pretty crazy. If you did see NYE, all capitalized, doesn't it look like... Welcome to NYE.

Doesn't it look like the stock market or something like that? Yeah, like rolling across the bottom of your screen. NYE up 30 points. Exactly. New Year's Eve. That's pretty crazy, though. You have to send a picture like picture evidence to your parents she knows she's at a trap house and she's like there's no trap houses at iu yeah there's not

say frat house no shit am i autocorrect yeah but there's yeah some hood she's at a trap house and she's like fuck it this is where i'm sleeping fucking i'm making a bed here just in the middle of the living room just makes a pallet yeah just a pallet and fluff some pillows up she's like, fuck it, this is where I'm sleeping. Fuck it, I'm making a bed here. Just in the middle of the living room, just makes a pallet. Yeah, just a pallet. Fluff some pillows up. She lived like a homeless person inside of a trap house that night. Just fucking cardboard boxes and shit. All in one night, drove all the way home to Carmel the next morning.

Complete opposite. And she's from Carmel? And ice skated. She's from Carmel. She was at IU. This girl didn't even know what a trap house is. She's just like, yeah, I'm living fucking great. It it was like a fucking regular house it was a one-story house and she's like is this a trap like it was a cottage this is what this is what the peasants

live like this is nice a trap house with a deck and a hot tub it's an above-ground pool and she like, this is filthy trap house living. Is there a pool table down here too? This is disgusting. It's an air hockey table. Dartboard. Yeah. It's a dartboard like without the soft padding for the dart.

She's like, I can't do this anymore. Yeah. I got to go back to Carmel. The drywall has just spots all around the dartboard. People are missing. And she's like, ugh. I'm out. I got to go ice skating. This is a trap house. I have to go ice to Carmel. The drywall has just spots all around the dartboard for people missing. And she's like, ugh. I'm out. I gotta go ice skating. This is a trap house.

I have to go ice skating tomorrow morning. You weren't that fucked up if you drove all the way to Carmel and then went skating. That drive home from IU the next morning, though. You ever done that one? All the way back to Carmel? Just back to the States.

Oh, yeah. 37 seems like the longest fucking road in the world when you're on your way it's never not been under construction oh it's yeah same with like 69 fucking 45 year old dads the orange barrel state you know look there's some arrow there's orange barrels right outside this fucking window here where do they store all those there's places on 37 where they just have them fucking stacked up to the sky. No way. Yeah.

They're in a building? Or they're just like out in the middle of a cornfield? They're out in the wild. They're just out in the street. Yeah, they're just out in the... Shut up. They just stack all... I'm always like, where do they put all those barrels?

There's 40 million of them. There used to be. I haven't been down that way in a while. But if you drive south of Greenwood on 37 towards Martinsville, there's a... On the right, there was a big stash of them out there. Like how many though? Like 13 or like 13 million?

Like 13, I mean. I'm picturing you seeing like seven and being like, oh, that's where they keep those. That's where all, well yeah,

but that's the only seven they're not fucking using. The rest of them are out on the streets. They're all fucking, they're all in use. They're being put to work. You ever hit one of those? No, when you hit a fucking, yeah,'re all fucking, they're all in use. They're being put to work. You ever hit one of those?

No, when you hit a fucking, yeah, they don't fall gracefully. You can just drill them. I'm always kind of scared. I'm like, it's going to fuck my car up a little bit. Some of them will, yeah.

Some of them are like full of shit. Those ones right there. I've always wanted to see somebody crash into all those big ass trash cans like under a bridge. They have those on TikTok because those are full of water. Those big blue barrels. Just fresh water? Yeah, fresh water. somebody crash into all those big-ass trash cans like under a bridge they have those on tiktok

because those are full of water those big blue barrels fresh water yeah fresh water i think it's just water dude but yeah there's they're they're designed to like slow you down and shit like sparkling water you make a mixed drink like your car's all fucked up like damn it i'm so dumb yeah sparkling water just get out of crazy stride. You're like, I'm kind of parched. On your way to the trap house. On your way to the trap house. No.

But yeah, so they have them like stacked up and shit. It's pretty fucking cool. I want to work there. I always want to work at places like that. For the longest time, I always wanted to work at that little booth inside of a parking garage. That does sound like a fun job, right? Doesn't it sound like comforting? Comforting, yeah.

You just sit in that bitch all day. You really don't have to pay attention to anybody. They all have key cards. They always have a TV in there. They got a fan, a heater, probably a laptop. All you got to do is worry about going to the bathroom and you're set. You're just sitting there all day. My first time ever going to new york i met like my first person that i met entering new york you go through a tunnel and then you have to pay a fee like a toll tunnel oh i hate

tolls yeah and there's a girl there's a like an old lady there and like i don't know how much this is i don't know how much anything is i'm'm just looking at her. How old were you? That was probably six, seven years ago. Eight years ago? Seven, eight years ago? I was going to say six, seven years old. I was probably like, I don't know, 30? You know what I mean?

You've never been through a toll? Well, I'd never. But usually they have the little fucking marquee that says how much it is and shit. None of this was on there. So you're just like, what? So I was like, my fucking Midwest Indiana boy. you're just like my fucking midwest indiana boy i'm just like looking at this lady just like looking at her they are kind of mean and then she's like it's not gonna pay itself white boy and i was like she said that yeah and i was like

i was like how much is it she goes so i just hand her fucking 20 i was like no way keep the change bro that was my first tip down a toll booth lady yeah that was my first experience. Tipped out a toll booth lady? Yeah, that was my first experience with a fucking New Yorker. And I was like, I'm going to hate this fucking city. Your first New York moment. It's not going to pay itself, white boy. Keep the change! You probably ran through the arm thing too. She was so mean.

Those people are low-key scary. They don't mean to be because they've been sitting there all day, but they're scary as shit. And that's what I want to be when I grow up. There's no, like, billboard or anything. I said, hey, it's seven bucks. There's nothing. There's nothing.

And she's just like, it's not going to pay itself, white boy. Dude, it was probably 92 cents. It probably was. You just gave her 19 extra dollars. I was like, take it! Ah! She just gave her everything you had in your car. She's going to be screaming like a bitch the whole way out.

All the way into the city. All the way into it. Until I get to fucking Times Square, wherever the fucking symbol is. I start coming back towards her because I miss her. It's a fucking one-way. She's just fucking run right back. Right back through it the opposite way.

Just sitting there snacking on gummy bears. It's just fucking run right back through it the opposite way. Sinner snacking on gummy bears. Nose is running. No money. Chap lips. All the fluids on my face. Oh, shit. All right.

Well, that's the Espresso. Quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. Let's say there's only two. Yeah, there's only two this week. Light week this week. We'll get them back. We'll get them next week. All right, let's go viral. But first, the Espresso podcast is brought to you by Wave 1 Media.

If you want to start your own show, visit thewave1.com. All right, hashtag thewave1.com. All right. Hashtag trending baby names for 2022. What are popular baby names for 2022? Like Braxton. Remember when white people used to make fun of all the hood names? And now white people have the weird fucking names that they're giving all their kids. Like what? Remember when they're like, ah, the weird fucking names that they're giving all their kids. Like what?

Like remember when they're like, ah, Laquisha and Laquanda and like all that shit. And they were just like, ah, this is a stupid name. And now there's like, this is Braden Lee. This is Broxton. Broxton. It's like, all right. I love a girl with a dude name. Zion?

For some reason, I love that shit. Zion's kind of a dope name. Zion? I mean, mean you gotta be huge you gotta be huge mave mave mave 1000 baby girl and boy names of 2022 ezra ivy well i can get down making a comeback huh aurora quinn little bet no way not a lot baby girl just a little bit the fun you could have is like a teacher going through roll river this shit i never understood names like river i i know a guy named forest i know another dude named lake how does how is molly cracking the top 30. Molly. M-O-L-L-Y. No weird spelling. Yeah, it's not like... Alex?

Shut up. That's the oldest name ever. Is that the oldest name ever? Oldest name ever is like Haggard. Haggard? Think of the oldest name you can think of. Joseph. It's like the name in the Bible, right?

I guess that is old-ass shit. Wouldn't Jesus be? Well, I guess... No. Abraham. Jesus. Haggard. Joseph.

Haggard. Haggard sounds like it was around... Bethel. Rose. Ruth. Ruth is old, dude. Do you ever see like a girl in this day and age with like an old-ass girl name? You're just like, what?

Oh, yeah. Like, you just... You're just like, hi. Dude, there's a girl in this day and age with like an old ass girl name you're just like what oh yeah like he's he's like hi dude there's a girl my friends are like yo you gotta you gotta hang out with this girl one time like she's really hot it was in college and i was like all right i'll like i'll roll with you guys talking about all these girls we're gonna hang out i was like what's her name they go gretchen gretchen i was like no i'm not going? I went to school with a Gwendolyn. What? Yeah.

Mia. I like Mia. Mia? Yeah, Mia's cool. Mia sounds slutty in a weird way, doesn't it? A little bit. Like, just Mia. Mia.

I got two friends. Girls with three-letter first names. Jesus Christ. My mom's name's Amy. What am I doing? Yeah. Mia. Ivy kind of does too, I guess. That's another good one.

Maya. Like for a slutty name or a real... Like, would you name your daughter Ivy? No. Why not? Because that sounds like... Axel. That's an old ass name.

Axel? Axel sounds like... Axel's like you have to be fucking tough. You have to be a car mechanic. Yeah, you can't be like fucking like working on your computer and name it Axel and just fucking pushing up your like, you have to be fucking tough. You have to be a car mechanic. Yeah, you can't be like, fucking like working on your computer and naming Axel and just fucking pushing up your glasses. Yeah, you gotta play guitar or something.

I'm Axel. It's like, alright, shut up, nerd. Shut up, nerd. Finn? Play me in this Castaway game. What is that name? Leilani? Leilani.

Atlas. Hey, Atlas! Guy sucks at geography. He goes, yeah, it's a map. He's like, it's an atlas hey atlas guy sucks at geography he goes yeah it's a map he's like it's an atlas so bailey bailey bailey's every dog's name number one is zion though zion and kai i mean you gotta have a big ass kid to name him zion right yeah just seems like yeah you, you can't raise some fucking soft kid named Zion. I want to name my kid when I have a kid.

Zion, just fixing your internet connection. Oh my God. I'm spacing on the fucking name. What's the dude's name from... Do you have a list in your phone? I think I might. What's the dude's name from 300 Do you have a list in your phone? I think I might. What's the dude's name from 300? I haven't seen any movies.

Oh my God. Why am I spacing on that name? Never mind then. I think I've got... Maximus from Gladiator would be cool. I've got baby names in my phone. This is the only thing on there. It says Ray.

Elvis. You would name your kid Elvis? I think it was a joke. Elvis. Just Elvis. Dude, I hate Elvis. I want to name a joke. Elvis. Just Elvis. I hate Elvis. I want to name my kid Adolf. Not more things piss me off than people's fetish with Elvis.

You ever see some dude that really likes Elvis and you're like, what? Yeah. I think Elvis is the weirdest thing. Why? You like him? You love Elvis. I don't like Elvis. I know you love Elvis.

He had some decent little fucking bops, though. Did he not? Blue Christmas was pretty nice, I'm not going to lie. Yeah. And the, uh, it's like, uh... Sing it. Wise men say... I hate Elvis, man.

Only fools run... I think it's his sideburns I don't like Yeah once he got older and had those sideburns I think you just remember old Elvis when he's in the white jumpsuit and he's all fat and shit I think that's the Elvis you keep always thinking about Elvis back in his heyday That dude was a

dying piece bro You would? I would That's why I'm naming my kid that You'd be gay not to i'm bricked up just thinking about the king of what was this king of rock king of rock i almost said pop but that's michael jackson yeah i'm bricked up just thinking about the King of Pop. Still, though. I'm talking about Elvis.

Still, though. The King of Rock. I'm rock hard thinking about the King of Rock. Hashtag strange use for bacon. You ever have something with bacon in it that you're like, I don't really know if there should have bacon in it but I'm gonna eat it just at like the Indiana State Fair

I'm not a huge fan of the bacon jelly huh there's bacon jelly like a marmalade like a bacon marmalade or whatever it's just weird to me just fucking put bacon on it it just doesn't work what's a weird thing I had bacon in one time

bacon in one time. Bacon in beans is perfectly fine. I had something so weird. Yeah, baked beans with bacon in it is fucking fire. Maybe it was a, oh, no, I had one of those burgers one time. It was at a place called Scotty's Brewhouse. You remember that place? That place was fire, but something happened to it. I don't know but they had a they had a burger that had peanut butter on it do you

remember that oh yeah that was weird as shit but it had bacon on it too so i had peanut butter bacon yeah i was in uh dayton and there's a restaurant around the corner i forgot what it's called but they had a burger there that peanut butter uh jalapeno pickles a carrot some kind of like pickled carrot who put the carrot on that yeah and i said carrot like the peanut butter and jalapenos wasn't weird who put the carrot on that carrot come on it was a pickled it was pickled jalapenos pickled carrots what's a pickled carrot mean like so a carrot's just soaking in pickles all night pickle Pickled juice or vinegar juice

or whatever the hell. Well, how do you make pickles? It's cucumbers and vinegars or something like that. Let me just, I don't know,

whatever. But it was good. You had it? It was good. Peanut butter on a burger. It was weird. It was different. It was weird.

The way they were like, you gotta eat it upside down. They kept telling me that. They're like, yo, yo, the peanut butter burger, you got it? You gotta eat it upside down.

I was like, what? Why not just put the eat it upside down. I was like, what? Why not just put the fucking popcorn on it? I was like, what if I switch the buns? It doesn't matter. You got to flip it upside down. It's weird. It's like how you eat stuffed crust. Remember those stuffed crust pizza commercials back in the day?

You got to eat it backwards. You got to eat it backwards. Who does that? If I ever saw somebody... It would fuck up my whole day. Yeah, if I ever saw... If I saw you doing it like we're good friends i would fucking smack i would right across your face with all of my heart the rest of my life

i would ruin your career you'd start your car fucking blair elvis and speed off no but yeah his pizza backwards could you imagine eating yourself eating your way to the point of a pizza that's disgusting it just it doesn't line up right in my brain I'm mad thinking about it like I'm like livid I think I tried it though

after seeing that commercial I was like I gotta try it and I got like one bite in I was like now this pizza looks like shit it's got a big bite out of the back give me another piece just throw that whole one away this one's ruined your mom's like did you drop it on the ground sure sure give me another fucking pizza amy amy just call her amy that's how mad you are that you fucking ate it wrong give me it did you ever call your parents by their first name ever they would have whooped your ass yeah that guy didn't have parents yeah mom what's that oh i would do it to throw my dad off but he'd be secretly so shitty with me what's your dad's first name joe joe everybody

in my family has three fucking letters joe politi seems like it i didn't even notice that amy joe ben jesus christ don't you have a sister named Amy? No, that's my mom. Amory. Amory, yeah. That makes up for all the other letters we should have had. She's like 27 letters in her name. You're Benedict.

Yeah, but it was funnier when we were just talking about the three-letter thing. She's like, play along, play along. What's Amy short for? Is it just Amy? Yeah, it's just Amy. What would it be short for? I don just Amy? Yeah, it's just Amy. What would it be short for? I don't know. Amy Lisa?

Amy. Amy. Amy Lisa. Amory? I don't know. So yeah, Amy's just Amy. Joe's Joseph, right? Yeah, all right.

We always talk about names on this fucking podcast. It's a whole thing. Sinful. Hashtag sin. Let's go to days of the week. Da-da-da-da. Days of the week. of the week thursday national bean day what's your favorite bean i mess with beans not at all they make you toot yeah beans beans have never made me to the nursery rhymes bullshit it is yeah all you beans all day yeah no i'm not a huge bean fan

like like when you go to qdoba they're like do yeah. I'm not a huge bean fan. When you go to Qdoba, they're like, do you want beans? You're like, no. No beans. No beans. What's your Qdoba order from the jump?

The bowl. Do it in ASMR, though. Welcome to Qdoba. What would you like, sir? I get the bowl. What do you want in it? The bowl with... Oh, come on.

With brown rice With steak Lettuce Pico I hate how I like this Salsa Corn salsa Queso

Shredded cheese Quok Do you get the tortilla chips? Or tortilla strips? Yes If they have them They usually don't though Do you get the tortilla chips or tortilla strips? Yes. If they have them. They usually don't, though, because they're all out. It's basically everything but beans.

I'll put the fajita stuff on there, too. It's good. I like that, yeah. Do you get cookies or brownies ever? Yeah, both. Yeah. yeah the corn salsa though if you don't get that it's it's it shouldn't be as good as it is but it's fucking amazing what the corn salsa oh my god you get the corn salsa yes sir you have to you ever have they ever been out of tortilla strips but you want them so fucking bad somebody just crushes a bunch of chips over your bowl i've done that countless times i'm like

you don't have them they're like no i'm like chips they're like the guy comes from the back he's like the chip crusher we ever had chips from like qdoba they give you so many but you ever get that one that like just impossible to chew? It's like super hard. It's like super salty. I like a hard-ass chip. You do? Oh, yeah. The amount of times I've had a bloody mouth,

like the roof of my mouth, it's just like... And you gotta dig it out of there because it fucking stabs you. I had a chip stuck in between my teeth over here for so long. I was over it, bro. I think I got a steak knife and got it out of my mouth. I was like,

I can't do this anymore. Dude, yeah. It'll... No, for real. One day I just went crazy. I was like... Because you get to a point when you're just eating

a lot of chips where you're just like confident and cocky. Yeah. It's like a popcorn thing too. I was just sitting here talking and all of a sudden you're just like...

That's what happens to me with popcorn it happens in the movies dude yeah you go grab a handful of popcorn there's a kernel in there hiding you're like oh yeah or that one where you're trying to play it off like it's not stuck in the back of your throat you're just like you can't talk right for four days you're like i don't know what happened you're just like surrounded by people trying to get that fucking popcorn out of the back of your throat you're just like your popcorn throat you're like oh yeah yeah so for new year's eve's like i was uh i was and then you have to just fucking take your voice keeps going in and out and shit yeah yeah. That's my pop secret.

Pop secret. Come on. All right, Thursday. Wait, Friday. National bobblehead day. She's a bobblehead. I can see you as like a dude who has his own bobblehead. Like of me?

Yeah. Do you have an espresso bobblehead of you? No, I think bobbleheads are so stupid. Just shaking all damn day. I think it's a dumb thing for people to collect. Yeah. Besides that hula girl. That's probably the most famous bubble head.

What's that one? The cactus. I've never seen that. You've never seen the dancing cactus? It goes on your car? Yeah, it goes on your dash or whatever, and it's just like a... Forever. It just does this with its hands. Ah!

Saturday. National bubble bath day. I love... I do enjoy a solid little bubble bath. I hate baths. Yeah, it's kind of gross like if you like to think.

If you think about it, you're just bathing in your own filth. But there is something relaxing to it for the first. Guys shouldn't be taking baths.

For the first few minutes, a bubble bath is very soothing and then the water starts getting cold and you're like, oh, I'm just wasting my time now.

You start to see your legs and shit through the bubbles. You're like, what the fuck? Yeah. The bubbles start going away and you're like oh i'm just wasting my time you start to see your legs and shit through the bubbles you're like what the fuck yeah the bubbles start going away and you just see your stupid little penis just sitting there yeah i'm like i try to like foam up the water like i don't want to see that i always make a bath get in it i do this every night and then i forget something so i got to get out of the water yeah and do that little bitch ass walk to like the fuck you're trying not to get the floor all wet

you're like god where's my phone dragging the floor mat with you you're just fucking scooting oh yeah so you don't get shit wet you got a towel under your feet it's like pivoting and shit a bubble bath that's pretty alright

I want a hot tub I think hot tubs are worse you think you're one of those dudes that would like get in your hot tub when it's like 19 degrees out i think that's weird i think it is weird too i want a hot but then the summer it's too hot yeah so it's got to be like just a fall kind of thing you know what i mean leaves all that shit in the water, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Who needs bubbles when you got fucking leaves?

You got dead trees floating around your wall. Yeah, come on, relaxing. Sunday. National Balloon Ascension Day. These days are so whack. What does that mean? You ever play that balloon game, though?

Like in your living room where you hit the floor? Oh, that's the best game. The most intense game ever. You won't try it on her or anything. When you were a child? Oh, today. That should be an ESPN thing. I never, yeah, it should be. Like on one of those days where ESPN

has no, they can't cover anything and they just do like World Series of Poker. They should just do the balloon game. They made fucking tag a thing where there's just a bunch of dudes running around. That looks crazy. That looks intense, too. How do they not slip and just fuck their whole brain up on the monkey bars? Just fucking spine it. Ooh, that would hurt.

Seriously, I've never seen anybody fall in those. That's all I'm looking for the whole time is during tag. I'm like, fall, fall, fall, fall, fall, fall, fall, fall. Or just misjudge a jump and just boom. Just fucking dome it. Every time. Every time. But if they can

make tag a fucking cool game there's they gotta play balloon game play balloon fucking sick we could be a team

dude yeah I've never gone harder at anything in my life I played fucking baseball through school all that other shit and I was just like

nah this is alright but that balloon game you throw a balloon in the air I'm gonna make sure that shit stays in the air it's never touching the rug but like the places they need is alright. But that balloon game, you throw a balloon in the air, I'm gonna make sure that shit stays in the air. It's never touching the rug. But like the places they need to play if they make balloon game on ESPN.

They need just living rooms with like lamps and shit. Elvis figurines. Yeah, there needs to be shit in the middle of the floor that's like a coffee table. Just normal shit. There needs to be a couch, yeah. There needs to be a TV on the wall. There needs to be everything that you'd find in a fucking living room right there. Not like the tag shit where they kind of...

No, they like made it cool. That should just be on a like rusty ass playground. Yeah, exactly. There needs to be a fucking one of those metal slides that you burn your ass cheeks on. There needs to be a fucking... There needs to be that fucking... Monkey bars that you're getting stabbed on. You need to get tetanus shots after tag.

That little fucking plastic spiral thing. You tag somebody with that shit, they're going to know because you're going to get tetanus shots after tag that little fucking plastic spiral thing you tag somebody with that shit they're gonna know because you get lit the fuck up with a shock and oh you know what i mean hey that's the most dangerous piece of equipment i've ever seen in my life remember that the merry-go-round death trap yeah yeah you just on that thing fucking get people going on that shit oh that's so fun still dizzy you ever been on that thing? Just fucking get people going on that shit. Oh, he said that. I'm still dizzy. You ever seen the videos of the guy? I think it was on Tosh or something. This guy put his motorcycle down and used the fucking tire to get this.

So that thing was just moving. The thing was kicking. There was somebody on it just holding on. Their body just starts giving up. And they're just gone. Can we find that? No, we can't. Fuck it.

Dude, you've got to see it. It's the funniest. People just getting tossed off of merry-go-round. It's just so funny. Yeah, that's what I want to see on ESPN on a Sunday at like 3 p.m. People just passing out. Just getting wrecked on a fucking un- Motorcycled.

Who's not watching that who's not yeah dude yeah chain swings and shit oh yeah remember just going so high and then just at the at the top of it just going up jumping how do we both knees how do we all not have fucked up acls and knees and shit i think we do i mean probably do. Maybe we're blaming it on old age, but it's actually because of the shit we did when we were kids. We're like, ah, damn, I'm 30 and my back is sore. I don't know what's going on. It's probably when I cut the grass. I was like, no,

it's when you got underdogged from 40 feet in the air. Dude, underdogs is the most dangerous thing. Dude, if somebody said underdog on the playground, I was like, oh, shit. It's because you don't, nobody ever goes fucking out and up with an underdog. No. It's always straight up.

Straight up. Ah! You just sat right at the fair. Ah! You again. Ah! You and your car. And the fucking chains have no give.

So they just fucking. Dude. So your lower back's like. Just fucking accordion it. I don't know what's wrong with my back. Oh! Fucking underdog. Dude, that was where we all became fucking just tough and resilient.

Because if you can survive the fucking playground, the world was easy to you. You know what I mean? The seesaw that's static none of us have trust static ass to the seesaw none of us have trust issues because of the fucking teeter-totter that's true did you get fucking i'm not even gonna go to chiropractor anymore i'm just gonna 90 you'd get 90 feet up in the air and the only fucking thing your home would be like peace bitch yeah then you fucking hop off and you just go fucking... Just land right on your fucking ass. My hips feel better.

Nobody in our generation has a tailbone. Nobody, yeah. They're all just chipped and cracked from seesaws and shit. Mine just looks like a fucking bag of powder. Like a fucking bone dust. That's what happens. You watch two kids on a seesaw from our age group, dude. Going up and down down one kid bails

other kid drops his flower challenge that's why because of the park we have no trust issues as our generation our backs are all ass because you get on the fucking monkey bars what happens dude the playground some little fucking idiot gets on the other side and then you just start coming to you and he starts fighting yeah he wraps. Yeah, he wraps his legs around you. I did that. He just fucking rips you down. You're just like, dude, I wasn't even trying to do this. You know what I mean?

Everybody's hands are all tough from those poles you firefighters slide down. Oh, yeah. My hands were hot at recess. My hands were on fire. You get back, you're like a carpenter's hands you know i mean like a diesel mechanic's hands get back to the phonics class you got three fingers dude the playground was dirty you ever go on that tube slide and just read all the messages from like the kids that went there on the weekend that didn't go to your school all for a good time your

mom just like all right that's not even my mom number. And then you mark it out and you fix it. Yeah. You're like, and her name's Amy. Come on. Get that shit right. Three letters. Three letters, bud. You Susan. You fix her number.

Idiot. Put the area code in there with parentheses. Put a piece of shit. This is what she looks like. Don't ever forget it. That's it, people. That's what we're ending on right there. Espresso Pod 192.

Remember to join the Patreon. Hit up Ray's tour. I just tried. I'm going to try this real quick. Did you hear that the squirrel from the beginning of the podcast? Yeah. He had to get checked out by some physicians before.

And they call him the Hickory Dickory Doc. Tried to work hickory in there. It sucked. All right, let's end it now. You're like, one more. I got it. I got it. I got it.

It's a failure. All right. Okay. Yeah, remember to join the Patreon. Buy some merch. Go to a tour date of Ray's. RayHensleyComedy.com. You'll see all of my dates on there.

All everything. Come out and have a good time. We're going all over the country. All the dates are on there. And if we're not going somewhere, message me. Message me and tell us you want us to come there. And me and Ben, we're talking about going on tour this summer. And me and Ben will come out there and do that shit. So, come on. Message us where you want us to come there and me and ben were talking about going on tour this summer and me and ben will come out there do that shit so come on message us where you want us to go and we'll come out follow subscribe rate review espresso pod on apple podcast spotify

youtube all that but all right talk to you guys next week bye fam