Espresso - craziest shit you did at work

Episode Date: May 5, 2021

FAM! the question of the week is what's the craziest thing you've ever done at work and not told anyone about (ˡⁱᵏᵉ ᵃˡᵐᵒˢᵗ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ˢˡᵃᵐᵐⁱⁿᵍ ᵃ ᵇᵃᵇʸ) on this shot bennie remembers the most lit church song of all time, the way coaches talk after practice and the difference between guys and girls bathrooms. He recites actual church petitions, still can't figure out why the principal made everyone eat in silence at lunch and realizes how much shit you talk about your cousin's cousins then he goes #ViViViViral and does #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😎 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐅𝐑𝐈𝐃𝐀𝐘 𝟓/𝟕 𝐀𝐓 𝐉𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐃↓ https://www.instagram.com/p/COdS9mEr8Je/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link 𝘿𝙈 𝙤𝙧 𝙏𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝘼𝙉𝙔 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙙 ! (@benedictpolizzi) →→→ 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄! 𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝗲𝗻!: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave One Media. If you want to start your own show, visit thewaveone.com. Shot 157. Hey, if you went to church once as a kid, Catholic church, I know you remember this shit. This is the most heat that would ever come out of the music teacher's mouth in church. The God who cannot die. I say yes, my Lord. I say yes, my Lord.

To the one who hears me cry. Is this not a heater? I say yes, my Lord. I say yes, my motherfucking lord. To the God of the oppressed. The most heat of all time. I say yes, my lord. I say yes, my motherfucking lord.

To the God of all justice. This is a God part! I say yes, my lord. I say yes, my Lord. I say yes, my motherfucking Lord. Digo sí, Señor. In tempos malos. In tempos buenos. Digo sí, Señor. Dude, how cool does your music teacher think he was during that song?

Yes, I know Spanish. Just today. Your music teacher and everybody in your church thought they were fluent in Spanish after that song. Oh, shit. When they switched it mid, it was, I say yes, my lord, through all the good times and all the motherfucking bad times. Of course, they didn't say motherfucking, but if you don't say motherfucking during every song you sing from now on you're just not singing it right dude but and then they flipped it midway through the song they flipped it to the Spanish version everybody immediately knew how to make

a quesadilla and all the good time and like looking at each other you ever look dude did a church song ever hit so hard that you like looked at somebody and started nodding a little bit like yeah this is my shit like some church songs did actually go though mary and joseph pray for us that song went dude when they played, what was that? Litany of the Saints. Litany. Of course it is.

When they played that song in church. It was like the grand finale firework. Litany of the Saints. And sometimes they said your name. You'd be named after a saint, obviously, because every kid is named after a saint. And that goes to a Catholic church. And they'd be like, benedict pray for and all my friends will look at me and be like that's

what that was my that was my part if there's a kid in your class named and, you'd look at him and be like, this one's for you. Then the chorus. All you holy men and motherfucking women pray for the motherfucking love. Dude, I swear this isn't like a Catholic religious podcast, but some of those songs you grew up with were just heaters in church. Don't even get me started on On Eagle's Wings. On Eagle's motherfucking wings.

You add that little extra sauce to it. I was having a discussion about church songs the other day. Like, what was the most lit church song? And somebody said that one that was kind of Spanish. And I was like, that's the number one answer. Bing, bing, bing, bing. On Family Feud. What was the most lit church

song? The one that made me want to make fajitas after? That's the number one answer. Ding, ding, ding. I say yes, my lord. What up? Remember to follow on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Cameo. All that Benedict Polizzi.

Got a show coming up this... I can never talk because I'm so excited. I got a show coming up this Friday at Jailbird. It's a bar on the south side of India. It's going to be a little lit show. Should be fun. And there's limited seating in there. It's not like a huge place, but it'll be packed tight. So slide through. It'll be a good one. I'll post about it on Instagram. Remember to follow, rate, and review the pod. I'm not just saying that either

I know, I know It's not just fucking lip service up here Every coach It's not just lip service Listen to this stuff Huh? You listening? Listen

Every coach At the end of practice Making you feel like shit Dude, after practice ended when I was a kid I didn't listen to anything they said these guys know what they're talking about listen don't just nod your head and act like you know go home and do the things these guys talk about because these guys are successful men that's me after at the beginning of every podcast. Rate, review, and subscribe.

Don't just sit there and nod your head in your car while you're driving to work or wherever you may be. Do these things. At the end of every podcast, I'm just that weird motivational guy that comes to your practice and talks for a little bit. That's like the coach's best friend growing up. That's like a fireman. But that's me at the beginning of every podcast.

Tell your friends about this! It's gonna pay off if you tell your friends about this and put in the work! Nah, but seriously, do that. And follow me on Instagram at Benedict Polizzi. No, but after a practice every time,

like when, like after we were done with the conditioning, imagine that though. You do, at the end of your practice, whatever sport you play, you do mad conditioning at the end.

Everybody knows that. Conditioning. Suicides and basketball. I can't believe those are called suicides, by the way. Did they change that yet? Holy shit. Kids are doing it. Mom, we did like three suicides.

The mom has to be like now, like these days, mom has to be like, oh my God, what did you do? What did you do at Brett? What did Coach fucking Polizzi have you do? Suicides. I almost died. Literally. Holy shit. Are those called something else though now?

Suicides. Dude, shit was so hardcore like when we were like younger. Or like literally 10 years ago, that shit was okay. But now if a kid was like, I ran suicides, like, that guy's just getting fired. Dude, our coach used to literally throw basketballs at us and shit. But yeah, okay, so at the end of your practice every day, or whatever the fuck it was you did like 6 000 laps like all the hardest running how hard was that growing up running and shit after practice but then after that conditioning after that conditioning he wants us to get on a knee and listen to him talk

every time after conditioning i was like i'm done i'm done i never knew what time practice was the next day because i was like i don't know, bro. After like, after a certain point in time and practice after like 6,000 laps and up downs, like I'm probably not going to listen. And even if I did listen, I'd be like, I don't know if he said seven or six.

My dad would be like, what time's practice? I'd be like, I literally, I don't know. Where's the schedule? I don't know. I didn't hear anything.

The coach said after practice, I was dead like, I literally, I don't know. Where's the schedule? I don't know. I didn't hear anything the coach said after practice. I was dead tired. I was fighting to catch my breath for 16 minutes. Dude, some people after running have energy. I was done. Getting in your parents' car. My wet ass on my dad's fucking passenger seat you You

Took me right to KFC to get a famous bowl That shit was so good after practice growing up. That was a one thing about like School sports that just was like it was like a such a reward Like you'd practice so hard, then after practice you just ate absolutely everything. Not like you don't now, but like it was just like a better feeling, you know, sweating your ass off and then just eating like 14 bowls of macaroni and going to sleep at 8. That was fire. Why do I always talk about 8th grade? Because it was the best time of my goddamn life.

Alright, let's get into the question. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. Espresso. Quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. What's the craziest thing you've done at work and not told anyone about. This is going to be good. All right, here we go. I can't wait to read these.

Okay, here we go. Anonymous. Used to shit in the women's bathroom on the weekends. Cleaner. I don't know about that though like when no one's around you know I was like such like a fun like a crazy thing like when you'd be on when you'd be on like a road trip and you go to

the gas station there's a big line for the guys bathroom and nobody in the women's bathroom so your dad would be like finally your dad like out of nowhere would be like fuck it and go in the women's bathroom. So your dad would be like, finally, your dad, like out of nowhere, it'd be like, fuck it. And go in the women's restroom. And he'd be like, now it's just like super normal to do that. I feel like it's a little bit more normal to just go in the women's restroom and be like, Hey, like I got a piss. Then it was like 15 years ago. If you did that 15 years ago, it was like, oh, shit.

You'd like play lookout and like, you know what I mean? Like someone, I think one of my friends did that on like a road trip to spring break, went in the women's bathroom and I was like, fuck, we're going to jail. What do you do? He went pee pee in the toy D. No, I don't know man The women's bathroom, like I have to clean the women's bathroom At the restaurant sometimes And it's pretty fucked up

Like girls will just Trash shit Guys don't trash shit Unless they're mad Girls will just throw toilet paper everywhere There's toilet paper everywhere I'm like damn And like kind of has that girl smell to you're like, ooh, that's what this is

It's like fruity. You're like god damn it The women's bathroom smells like a like a vape cloud you're like a Vape cloud that's like near a dumpster. You're like... A vape cloud that's like near a dumpster. You're like, ah, uncomfortable. There's always something like... I guess the plus side of going into a women's bathroom too, there's always like a special thing in there

that the guys don't have. The women's bathroom always has like a couch and you're like, what the fuck? You know, you used to go, you used to go in the women's bathroom with your mom growing up. Like when you're really young, cause you like, couldn't go in the guy's bathroom without like a parent. Well, that happened to me a lot. Cause my dad, we never went anywhere with my fucking dad. So when I had to pee, my mom would just be like, just come in the women's bathroom. And I'd be like, bet. So I'd go in there and see like the craziest shit of all time. I went to this, that water park on like the north side of town when it opened up.

It was the most lit thing of all time. When my mom told us we were going to that, I don't think I slept for a week. My mom was like, we're going to this new water park on the north side this weekend. And I was like, what's the catch? Like, we're really just about to do this. I don't think I slept for a week. We went, it was actually pretty dope. Like hella slides and shit. Could not wait to go. And it kind of lived up to the hype, but I had to go to the bathroom. And dude, imagine going into a water park women's restroom in Indiana. Like the shit I saw in there was just insane.

Like four year old women, just ass naked. And I was three. I was like, like, you guys don't care that you're naked. I swear in the guy's bathroom, like they,

we at least cover our shit up. Dude will just walk i guess fucking when i was four years old and i just saw i'll never forget that lady i saw i was like oh she was just letting it go and that changed my life forever but uh yeah there's always something like wait like there's always like a couch or like a tree or something like a fake tree in the women's bathroom and it's like fuck you guys

you know like come on but I was thinking about it if there was a couch or a fake tree in the guys bathroom that shit would be destroyed and pissed all over imagine a couch in a guy's bathroom. Literally any guy's bathroom. It could be the guy's bathroom at like

a priest house. There'd be shit and piss all over that thing. Sit down, let's talk. Are you holy motherfucking men and women praying for us? What's the craziest thing you've done at work and didn't tell anybody? Oh shit, I mean, anonymous. Sleep behind the big ass carpets at Menards when I was hungover and only slept for two hours the night prior after being drunk as fuck.

My nap was two hours long sleeping at work is such a thing i remember i worked at champs in the mall and our our manager was so hung over it was me and my roommate that worked there and we like worked there but we didn't know what we were doing you ever have one of those jobs that's every job for me i work somewhere but I don't know what I'm doing the whole time that was me as a shoe salesman like I just knew how to do that part and now I didn't know like past a certain point at all I could like sell the shoes and the clothes and like ring them out but like if somebody was like can you check in the back for like a

order online for like a size like dude like you might just want to do it yourself. But our manager was so hung over one night or one morning. We're like, dude, where's Mo? I don't know, bro. Where's Mo? But we just started like working and it got kind of busy because it was like a Sunday or something. Like people just come to the mall on Sunday and they're just like, ah! Vibe's so different on Sunday when you work retailer in a restaurant.

You're like, why aren't you guys ever out besides Sunday? It's one group of people on Sundays. That's it. You don't see them any other time during the week. They only come out. People that come out in public on Sundays don't ever show face during the week, ever. They're just a bunch of aliens

but anyway it was like a Sunday crowd weird kind of busy and we're like dude where's Moses because somebody like needed to do a return we had to get our manager and we couldn't find him and finally somebody was like hey can I try this on I was like yeah sure. So I unlocked the fitting room and his ass was sleeping in there on boxes. On boxes like flattened on the ground, like broken down, like moving boxes. And he's like, I was like, dude, get the fuck up. Get the fuck up. This dude's trying to try on like a Jordan t-shirt. But yeah.

People sleeping at work is... People sleeping at work is a whole ass thing. All right. What's the craziest thing you've done at work and didn't tell anybody anonymous had sex in a guest shower with my engineer guest shower

yeah it's always like the family bathroom family bathrooms are they like what kind of families alright everybody let's get to pissing. Honey, come on in. Sweetie, you go ahead.

Johnny boy, you're in right after. And old silly Danny, you're in here next. You wait your turn behind your sister. Family bathroom. Every time I see a family bathroom, I'm like, who's fucking in there? family bathroom every time i see a family bathroom i'm like who's fucking in there and they have them at like the most horny places they have a family bathroom at the movie theater i'm like guys here we go

craziest thing you ever did at work and didn't tell anybody took care of myself in the restroom was feeling some type of way that day okay okay it's got to be crazier than masturbating at work what are you a rookie i don't want to read that one okay craziest thing i did at work and didn't tell anybody anonymous when i was working at the mall i'd get blowjobs in the Neiman Marcus bathroom on my 30-minute breaks. I would just be so scared that I would get caught. You know what I mean? Like, I even do that in my dreams. I don't know how people can do shit like that and not fear that someone's gonna walk in is that just me on everything probably cuz I've been

caught doing the dumbest shit before and then he has a non-sexual one same guy craziest thing you ever did at work and didn't tell anybody I almost got in a fistfight with customers two separate times first time was Black Friday and second time was just a normal day that That's crazy. Where do you work? The mall. Here we go. Dude, this is insane. You guys are crazy.

This is so stupid. Worst thing you ever did at work. Craziest thing you ever did at work and didn't tell anybody. Let my secretary fucking blow me and she wasn't tell anybody. Let my secretary fucking blow me and she wasn't even attractive. Dude. Oh my God, of course.

Every secretary's resume. Gives head. Check. All right, see you tomorrow at nine. All right. Mom listens to this. All right, here we go. Craziest thing you ever did at work and didn't tell anybody.

Anonymous. I worked with a girl that was quitting and before she left, she pissed in all the bathroom vents all day. Bro, people don't give a fuck. Bathroom vents, though? So? Shit, I do that regularly. I do that every day bathroom pants

I guess it's different for a girl cause you really gotta mean it when you're a girl and you're peeing somewhere you shouldn't like you gotta like plan that guys dude I'll piss all over the wall and not know for the first 6 seconds I'll be on my phone peeing and be like holy shit that went

all over my pants for the first eight minutes. That's like always a risk you're taking as a guy. You could get caught on something on your pants and not know it. You could have piss all over your pants for the rest of the day. That's a little thing about guys, ladies. I don't know if you knew this or not, but we can piss our pants on accident at any time. But when we're going to the bathroom, there's like a 10% chance that we could piss all over. We'd have to get sent home for pissy pants. You ever get pissy pants, guys?

Like when you're going to the bathroom and you're going and you're going. And something doesn't seem right and you look down and you're going you like something doesn't seem right and you look down and you have you're literally peeing all over your shorts me neither here we go anonymous craziest thing you ever did at work i was hung over working on a rest working at a restaurant i was hung over working at a rest working at a restaurant i was hung over working at a restaurant and i projectile vomited in the bathroom cleaned it up and went back to work yeah you really gotta trust people at restaurants for the most part they're pretty fucking clean honestly like

there's a thing there's always that thing about restaurants like yeah the lemons are so dirty yeah the cups are so dirty honestly they're pretty clean they really are like but I mean it's just a place where people are coming in and out and you got to be fast and you're wiping down tables and like when something's dirty in a restaurant like you can't you gotta refrain from getting so mad because it's like fuck man like this one lady like i sat this one like group of people down there like can you wipe off this table and i was like yeah they're like I can't believe it's this dirty I was like you can't believe it like I know you don't know what's been going on here all day but there was just a

fucking birthday party with six like eight-year-olds here like just fucking chill what do you think you are the queen of England all right oh my god there's a lot of good ones we might have to re-up on this one next week craziest thing you did at work and didn't tell anybody so I worked for the Cheesecake Factory as a bartender for years it got really busy all the time

and sometimes we'd be in the well for hours without a time for a bathroom break one night on New Year's Eve I accidentally peed myself while squatting down to get a beer holy shit like wet pants solid stream heavy flow kind of pee i physically could not leave the bar right then so i poured our bucket of bleach sanitizer on myself and kept working it was definitely crazy damn Yeah, that's a thing, man. Damn, that is just the definition of being understaffed.

Dude, yeah. Oh, my God. It was so busy tonight. I pissed myself. I couldn't even go to the bathroom for five minutes. The podcast about piss damn alright a couple more craziest thing you did at work and didn't tell anybody

anonymous I was in an NICU and was feeding a baby while sitting in a recliner I worked days and night back then, so it was around 2 a.m. I stood up after the baby finished eating and got tangled up in the cords when I stood up. Fell to the floor with the baby in my arms, but on my way down, I made sure to do some form of a roll and lean on my back to keep the baby safe.

Hit my head on the floor but the baby never even woke up looked around and no one saw thank god bro imagine dude how does that not happen all the time especially in a hospital where like everyone's dead fucking tired and there's shit everywhere and literally babies do that one time i was at church this isn't this doesn't really have shit to do but like and i was like looking this whole podcast about church that's fucked up maybe i need to go maybe it's a sign but I was like reading the bulletin. This sounds so stupid. I went to the bathroom. Like when you are growing up and you go to church 19 times a week, like Catholic kids do. And like, I don't know, a lot of other religions probably do

that, but we had to go so many times once during the week, maybe another time during a week because there's a celebration and we got a new priest. And then one time on the weekend with your family, just because that's what your family does. So sometimes we went to church three times a week like if my mom let me go to the bathroom during church, it was like a fucking party If your mom let you go to the bathroom during church mom, can I go to the bathroom? She just looks at you like she doesn't say yes, she says yes like with her eyes she's just like and then you just kind of

go you're just like all right i'm going she didn't say no though you just do that like my mom would never tell me yes i could go to the bathroom she'd just look at me and be like with her face she'd be like she wouldn't move a fucking muscle in her face or anything in her face but like she'd just look at me and her look would be yeah you can go but if you fuck something up i swear to god and i'd be like all right good enough for me right when i opened the huge ass church doors to go out to like the lobby, it'd just be this song would be playing. Right when you open the door and like you walk past like a weird incense candle, open the door.

and like you walk past like a weird incense candle open the door passing like pictures of like joseph and it like crosses on the wall you see like one of your weird friends that you're not even friends with but like you see just anyone you know anyone, you know, and you're like, are you going to the bathroom too? And they're like, dude, yeah. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. It feels like two and a half hours, but it's literally four minutes. It always smells so weird at church, but like I was, dude, when you go to the bathroom at church but like I was dude when you go to the bathroom at church you like come out of the bathroom like halfway through your bathroom you're like in the bathroom like just like washing your hands and shit hopefully there's not an adult in there if you're in the bathroom solo, bro, it's a wonderland. That tonight's gonna be a good night.

But like halfway through your bathroom break at church, you go out of the door and you look in the real church and you're like, what part are they on? Like, what part did I skim through during church? Like, are they already kneeling? And then like you do your shit and you get back into church and you didn't miss, you missed absolutely nothing. Like if you miss the Our Father though, your mom might be shitty. If you missed a, if you missed a kneel, peace, or the Our Father, just like one of those parts of church that you actually remember, you're fucked. But yeah, on my way back from the bathroom, I was like reading the bulletin or something, just like looking at shit, like trying to like just waste any amount of time.

And I was backing up reading the bulletin on the wall. I like bumped, like my ass like hit. I just forgot where I was because I was reading something and backing up. And my ass hit that thing that you dip your fingers into and like say the sign of the cross. It was like a bull like standing up in the middle of the fucking lobby thing the atrium and like it it like seesawed like if i would have hit it any harder it would have fucking broken into a million pieces on the church floor in the lobby and i would have to run away scared and then like after church you know they open the door so everybody can leave they just would have saw a broken ass vase a thousand pieces anyway yeah that's the craziest thing i've ever done at church maybe not one more one more one more craziest thing you ever did at work and

didn't tell anybody anonymous one time i used one of the mp security sites as a technique training course for live weapons nobody was on site i knew i had time to kill alone and skills to sharpen who is this guy oh yeah i forgot to tell you james bond dm me i'm sure there's security footage of it, but it hasn't been skimmed over. Name a better terrain. Felt like a Call of Duty map. Holy shit, dude. Yeah, I don't know.

Just open fire at work. just open fire at work. They never really check security cameras unless something fucked up happens. Name a time you've been on a security camera and not flipped it off or done the peace sign. I always imagine there's just some security guy watching 24-7 that's like, but literally no one sees that.

That kind of sucks. it's kind of kind of sucks it's kind of sad all right let's do uh viral i like tot tot tot totals totals viral i always try to change it up and remember one other meme on the internet, but I can only remember I like turtles. So that's why I do that. Hashtag fake sandwich facts. Fake sandwich facts. You ever just think about how bad sandwiches are for you? I fucking love sandwiches, but when you think about

it it's just like the worst shit like when you think about subway like the bread's fucked up like it's a proven fact they have fake bread the meat's like you know it's not real like the lettuce subway vegetables i'm even like uh where are you getting all this shit you know what i mean like i know like it just sucks when you get older and you're just like, all this is just a goddamn scam. Fake sandwich facts. Putting chips on that shit, though? Putting Doritos on a salami sandwich.

Can we just... Can we take I don't care what you're doing If you're in your car pull over on the shoulder And just take a second for Doritos On a god damn salami sandwich Amen That's the shit I pray for at church

During the petitions That's the shit I pray for at church. During the petitions. For Doritos on salami sandwiches, we pray to the Lord. For Chick-fil-A having mouthwash in their bathrooms We pray to the Lord Lord hear our prayer They got that hand up Real life petitions That could be a video dude

Holy shit For Taco Bell Having the option to put black beans on stuff Instead of meat We pray to the Lord Lord hear our prayer It's always that response Why is this whole thing about church to put black beans on stuff instead of meat. We pray to the Lord. It's always that response. Imagine having, why is this whole thing about church?

What's going on? All right. Hashtag things my grandparents taught me. Low key. Dude, remember when your grandparents, did this ever happen to you? This was the worst feeling of all time. It might be the most disappointing feeling of all time. Like your parents yelling you, yelling at you, your parents yelling at you is like normal.

You're, uh, like when your friend's parents yell at you, it's like expected. But when your grandparents yell at you, you're like, fuck. Like that, that's gonna like dude that hurts when your grandparents yell at you because you're like damn what if she doesn't give me money for christmas like that's gonna fuck my money up that's like so selfish to say but like you think about shit like that you're like whoa bro the first time i saw my grandma like my like one time at my grandma's like my weird cousins came over you know you're like, bro, the first time I saw my grandma, like my, like one time at my grandma's, like my weird cousins came over, you know, you got like some weird cousins that come over and you're like, what the fuck? You know what I'm talking about? I know, you know, you know,

you have like a weird set of cousins that only comes into town every seven years. Well, that happened one year when you meet your cousins, other cousins. And you're like, what the fuck? Is this an alternate universe? Dude, your cousins, other cousins and you're like what the fuck is this an alternate universe how much shit do you talk about them with like your brother and sister you're like those motherfuckers are so stupid they're so ugly nobody's weirder than that anyway like this kid came over this kid that was somehow my cousin came over to my grandma's and was being a piece of shit and his name was something crazy it was like the it was like the cousin that you're scared of his name it was the perfect name it was like blaine or something or it was like just something like he was like a villain from a movie and i was like this kid's

our fucking cousin no way and he just kept being a bitch kept doing and we're like bro i don't know we got to run away from him or something like you're like avoiding him at your grandparents house you know you're like going into different rooms and like playing with like you know you're just you're being such a dick to this kid but he like deserves it and it was like he did something and like it was the last straw and i was like i'm telling grandma and they're like you are and i was like i don't give a fuck i'm telling grandma and we told my grandma everything and she fucking grabbed this kid by the arm and got so shitty with him and we were watching it and we're like is literally our like blood relation cousin

We're like fuck him Yes Tell him not to talk to us I hope someone out there knows What the fuck I'm talking about Cause that's the realest shit I've ever said Your cousin's cousin's nobody's weirder But then when you get a little older And you like see your cousin's cousin's cousins Nobody's weirder But then when you get a little older

And you like see your cousin's cousins Maybe for like the fifth time You're like alright We can deal with it But when you're a kid you're like Fuck them You like had like a war on them Your cousin' cousins.

Alright, let's do days. Wednesday. Days of the week. Wednesday. National Astronaut Day. I think it's funny, like, every kid wants to be an astronaut still when they're younger.

You know? You always have, why how come when we're kids we want to do the most basic ass shit i know being an astronaut isn't basic but that's like every kid's like thing what do you want to be when you grow up it's always like a fireman or a fucking astronaut there's no there's nothing else or like dude wasn't it crazy when you go around the room and hear people's shit that they wanted to be and it'd be so like basic this one time this girl was like we were going around the room saying like

I think I always said I wanted to be like a football player or something which is so the most me thing I've ever said in my life imagine when you're a kid saying what your career is now as a kid in fourth grade. Comedian. Everybody would have been like, what the fuck? Oh, that's so cool. The teacher every time. Oh, that's so, oh my God, that is so cool. These kids are very mature. Telling your homeroom teacher, your homeroom teacher's like, I know.

They're so good. Then you take them back to your class and your teacher fucking rips your ass for two and a half hours. Isn't where your homeroom teacher when you're a kid was low key your mom. Like did the teachers, I always wondered like when the teacher when we got in trouble for being too loud at lunch did the teachers like just pick a random day like because I'm I was like a hundred percent sure we weren't louder than any other day then like one random ass fucking Wednesday a teacher would come down and be like hey you know they like turn off the lights when you saw your principal come down to lunch

this is entirely too loud in my head I was like there's no fucking way this is louder than last Friday when like half my friends were like jumping on the tables with their fucking dicks out it wasn't louder than last Friday when we were throwing slushies at our homeroom teacher's

ass. Like, what the? Like, there's no way. Alright. National Totally Chipotle Day. Qdoba's better. And if you don't think that, I don't know, man. Like, they can both get it, but like, Qdoba's better.

I think because Qdoba, it was first. Got a soft spot for, like, the first guy, you know? Qdoba walked so Chipotle could run, you know? Tight beat. I got a soft spot for the guy that could walk you know and it's better just feels like more like

when I walk into Chipotle I feel like I'm like I'm like okay I'm part of a fucking scam here when I walk into Qdoba I'm like not as bad not as bad of a scam Cinco de Mayo when people like crunchy tacos more than soft tacos I'm like, okay

So Do you mean to say you just like sweeping? Dude, crunchy tacos are such a fucking mess Alright, well Get the Swiffer Weird ass Swiffer Weird ass Swiffer

Soft tacos slap way harder, bro. You can just slap one of those bitches in your mouth right on your tongue Crunchy tacos are inconvenient. You gotta like break your fucking neck to get to like bite it right. Oh There's two crunches there. Your neck, then in the taco. Thursday. National Nurses Day. I just saw this tweet that said, why is the meanest girl at school to nurse pipeline so strong? And that's the

best tweet I've ever seen. Dude, seriously nurses are all, the meanest girl at school is always like fucking I guess every girl at school is a goddamn nurse. Doesn't it seem like that? Nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, nurse, Got my scrub. Scrub. There's always so much homework for nurses. I'm like, we passed our fucking C-Mac or whatever the fuck. We passed our fucking CMA Mac.

What is the nurse test called? Heard it 9,000 times. Every time I'm like, tune in out. Doctor, I'm out of here. Nurse test. How many times have I heard this one? Nurses just act like we know it, like normal

people know what that shit is, too. They're like, oh, yeah, I passed my NCLEX. I'm like, oh. Sick. What is that? Is that like a driving exam? They're like, no, no, it's a test you have to pass to use a stethoscope. I'm like, oh. Sick. What is that? Is that like a driving exam? They're like, no, no. It's a test you have to pass to use a stethoscope. I'm like, oh.

So much homework to be a nurse. Friday. National Packaging Design Day. Bro, some companies. You ever like, some companies go off on their packaging like you know you ever think i don't know why i think about this but you ever think about how much money they spend on like the like a like di giorno spends on that pizza box like that shit is like that shit is fucking beautiful the frozen pizza box you're just like oh when you see you ever see something at the store that just looked like cake boxes that's like half the reason people buy shit

is the way it looks maybe more than half like you buy a betty crocker box of cake mix the box looks so good when i was a kid the box looks so good i literally was a kid. The box looks so good. I literally thought that that cake was inside and you didn't have to make it. I was like, Oh, why don't we get that? What? Um, bro,

I feel bad sometimes for the mail that companies send out to your mailbox. That's just like the thickest piece of paper at FedEx. Like the heart, the most graphic colors. Just looks beautiful. And you just throw it. You don't even, it doesn't even make it in the house, dude. You get your mail and put it in the trash can that you forgot to take in two days ago. And you're like, fuck that.

Like, damn, but Value City had a nasty ad. Saturday. National Coconut Cream Pie Day. That's one of those pies that you, like, really want to try. And once you try it, you're like... One of those pies, like, in the freezer section that looks like bomb. Low-key because of the packaging. What are those pies called?

It's like a famous-ass pie, dude. Frozen store pies what are they called there's like one name and it's just like damn there's like one brand and it just looks so fucking good my mom never even tried to get that shit it's like Sarah Lee no it's like some it's like some lady's name and it's just like holy shit if we imagine if we got that pie type shit merry calendars

no it wasn't that maybe it was Sarah Lee I think it was Sarah Lee. I think it was Sarah Lee. Yeah, Sarah Lee. How rich you have to be to, like, what if your family just always had a frozen pie in the freezer? You're the richest fucking family of all time. You lived on Geist.

That, and if your mom ever had, like, if you're, if you always had, like, good-ass orange juice in the fridge, like, you went to your friend's house and they always had good-ass orange juice, the fridge, like you went to your friend's house and they always had good ass orange juice, you're like, you guys are kind of rich. If they had that orange juice in like the milk gallon, you're like, I gotta go. Mom, pick me up.

That was the weirdest. When you went over to somebody's house and they had juice in the gallon, like red juice in the big gallon of milk thing, I'd be like, what i am i in beach grove i have to be in beach grove frozen pies sunday national lost sock memorial day fuck waking up with one sock on, I've never been, I'm shitty when I wake up, but nothing

sets me off like having one sock on. I've never felt more pathetic in my fucking life. Why is there always like a sock on the ground outside flat as fuck? You know what I mean? God damn. I see one every day, I'm like, shit. Sorry, bro.

Lost your other homie? God damn. I see one every day. I'm like, shit. Sorry, bro. Lost your other homie. Feel that. National Shrimp Day. I'm a hundred percent over shrimp. Hundred P. I don't know what to eat anymore. Shrimp was my thing, dude. I would eat shrimp cocktail like it was fucking crackers and cheese. You ever just eat a bunch of sushi or something and you're like what the fuck did i just eat like i love eating sushi but did the amount of sushi people eat sometimes i can eat like five rolls of sushi and be like all right that was good but like when you go to a sushi restaurant and they give you like 35 rolls of sushi i'm like who the fuck is here is did i Is this a surprise party and 19 other people are going to come eat this with me?

They give out so much shrimp at sushi restaurants. I'm like, whoa, bro. You ever just eat sushi and just feel 100% sick after and just act like it's all okay? Me every time I eat sushi. It's all good. I've never honestly

had sushi been like, I feel better now. I'm always like, I probably have like a tapeworm. Alright, alright, alright. That's it, fam. Shout 157. Thanks for listening. Remember to follow, rate, review review subscribe to the pod for real do it i'm thinking about getting like a new podcast uh logo maybe so send your suggestions

does my face on the podcast logo look weird like when you see my podcast logo are you like oh that's definitely a sports podcast because i have a headband on. Does he overthink everything? Maybe. But let me know. I think I want to get like a new pick. Should it be the Johnson pick? Should it be? Should it be the Johnson pick?

Should it? I don't know. Is it too much? I don't know. All right. Okay. I'll talk to you guys next week. I have fam.