Espresso - craziest thing you did to a family member

Episode Date: July 7, 2022

hey we got a lot of shit to do so we got to get it cracking remember to join the patreon at benedict palizzi on patreon don't know how to talk right now and uh f boy island premieres july 14th on hbo max you guys should check it out i don't know if you can tell if I'm on the uh f boy island or not but yeah because I don't post about it or anything so oh man trailer was just perfect but two minutes too long I almost couldn't make it through I was like how am I gonna watch this show if I can even make it through the trailer? He can only pay attention for 15 seconds because of TikTok. On another episode of He Can't Focus. All right, yo.

Let's do this. The Espresso Quick, Quick, Quick, Quick, Quick, Quick Question of the Week is, what's the craziest thing you've ever done to a family member? What in the Alabama are these DMs going to be about? But this should be good for me, for me. I hate when I say it, but I got to say it every time now for me. it's, uh, yeah, me and my cousin one time were playing dinosaurs or maybe I just was, and he didn't know that I was playing that game rude. And he was wrestling me. He was probably like 17. I was probably like five and he was pinning me. And I was like, fuck, I was, I'll go for your fucking throat. If you're pinning me, I swear to for your fucking throat if you're pinning me.

I swear to God, dude, if someone's pinning me and there's a knife nearby, I'll stab you in the ribs. I swear to God, dude. I will not back down from a pin. You're not putting my shoulders down, bitch. I'll break a fucking lamp over your head. But I was five and I didn't have the resources around me. And he had me, dude.

He was like, if I pin you, I win. Maybe we were just wrestling. I don't know why I thought we were playing dinosaurs. Oh, yeah, I do. Because he almost had me and I bit his ribs. Right here. He goes, ah. I was like, oh, that was like a real grown man noise.

And he was like, fuck. And he kind of like went downstairs. And by the way, that's at my cousin's house. You think getting in trouble, trouble by your parents is, uh, fucked up. Try getting in trouble by your aunt. That's kind of hot. Damn. Shouldn't have said it. That's a Patreon only information. But hey. Yeah.

So couldn't talk at my aunt and uncle's house for three days because I thought I was going to get in trouble every 15 seconds. What else? because I thought I was going to get in trouble every 15 seconds. What else? No, one time, RIP Tony Saragusa. O-lineman that played for the Ravens. He just passed away this week. MoMA silence for the boy. But one time the Ravens were playing on TV and I was pretending I was Tony Saragusa

and I was just laying on my sister like I was Tony Saragusa who's probably like 375 pounds. And I just kept being like, oh God, Tony Saragusa. I just kept doing it, dude. I just kept doing it. Like, oh God.

Like I just like got a sack in the NFL. Oh God, Tony Sarkoza. And she was like, stop, stop, stop, stop. But she's laughing. So I was like, all right, I'm in the game. I'm in the game. Stop. And then she didn't go to school the next day. Shut the fuck up. No way. Just the whole next day throwing up and shit. All because the fucking goose was in town. Who the fuck am I?

All right, so let's do it. What's the most weirdest thing you've ever done to a family member? From Anonymous. What's up, Ben? Hope you are doing great. Here is my story about the craziest thing I've done to a family member. Well, one of them, I suppose. So when my brother and I were younger, we would always just make fun of my cousin

and pretend to beat him up and all kinds of shit. shit so one day we give him a super massive wedgie like i picked up like from like the back i like pulled his underwear up and from the front my brother pulled his underwear up we literally lifted him off the ground we wedged him so hard that he started crying and he started bleeding what a bitch i was fucked up, but you know, kids are crazy. So there is my story. Have a great day. Bye. Wait, there's more.

Also, if you ever need a podcast, you know, Desperate Times, Call for Desperate Measures, I got you. Let me know. Come on, shorty. Let's talk only about wedgies though. It's 2022. If you haven't had a bloody wedgie grow up dude a bloody wedgie what sounds actually that why does it kind of sound good why does it sound like uh finally

what the hell happened whoa what i don't think i've ever gotten a wedgie but don't tempt me with a good time dude the closest like pants thing uh this wasn't my family member but i went to this weird ass summer camp one time one time did it for like eight years in a row it was like a very important part of my life but uh we're on like we're our you know camp counselors are like 16 and shit and they're just fucking idiots but uh we're on like we're our you know camp counselors are like 16 and shit and they're just fucking idiots but you think they're like the fucking patron saint of summer camp but they're really just fucking stupid ass kids who don't even have their license so we were hanging from monkey bars i'm like 10 and they're like y'all play chicken so it's me

and this kid named fucking Richie, obviously. Cause every kid at a summer camp's name is Richie and we're hanging there. And I'm like, what do you mean? Cause I'm like, at this point in my life, I don't know anything about anything, especially at a camp. I'm like, I don't know how to fish. I don't know how to, I'm weird in pools with people. Like I can't, I like, I'm not like, I wasn't like a sheltered ass kid, but I'm like, I don't know how to do any of this shit.

And I don't believe anybody either, or I believe them too much. So we're hanging from these monkey bars and they're like, yeah, play chicken. Meaning like kick the shit out of him until like he quits. And I was like, are you,

I'm going to kill him. But like, I didn't know how to attack him and my feet are like strong as fuck i swear i have the strongest feet like in i swear i can like climb a tree with my feet i'm not playing you guys have seen my toes bro i i think my i think i have the strongest toes in north america let's fucking do it. ESPN. You got a late night show. World's strongest feet. Just my dumb ass from America.

Bro, I swear to God, we were hanging there on these monkey bars and I was like, if I kick him in the chest, like he'll probably, like I'll probably fucking like, probably fuck him up. It's like a, like, dog. You see me play kickball?

Back it up! And then I bunt like a little bitch, run to first base. But I swear to God, I got a fucking leg on me. And okay, anyway, don't, just try to subtly throw that in there but all right so we're fighting or something and i'm like do i kick him in the ribs you know give him a little sauce first and then like go in for the kill like literally and for some reason my my fucking big toes that are stronger than anything else on my body grab his his fucking shorts, and I just rip his shorts down. No way! And that's when I learned how to fight. You think I'm going to fight you,

bitch? Straight up de-pantsed him with my feet. Then he had to quit because his fucking stupid dick was there and his hands were up. Who's not quit? Imagine if he would have beat my ass through that with no pants on. Holy fuck, bro. You win summer camp. Jesus Christ.

That's the most summer camp story wow that might be the next uh question of the week what's your weird summer camp story oh shit i gotta write that down once you're weird oh sorry i thought i was thought that was in my head my bad can't type for shit when the pressure's on it's all misspelled and shit every word that i just spelled on my computer has a red fucking squiggly under it all right let's keep going what's a weird crazy shit you did to a family member from anonymous so craziest thing i've ever done to a family member this sounds like it's gonna hurt

basically me and my brother used to get into fights all the time when I was a kid and so one time shit was getting serious and I needed to assert my dominance so I picked up one of those like plastic kitty kitchen sets like the whole thing like the oven oh they're so light like the cabinets so throwable fucker and i like threw it at him i like smacked him down with it and ever since then my brother didn't fuck with me oh god hey sounds like you really gave him the kitchen sink i also fought my ex's sister at the time. Oh, shit. She punched him in the face and he wasn't doing anything about it. I was drunk. I don't know if that counts.

I don't know. Definitely not your family member, but that's good. You stuck up for your boyfriend, but you were probably just waiting to hit that bitch. You know, you just can't wait to fucking punch somebody. And then, not that i ever have or anything i'd punch him with my tongue but you know you got that friend that like just wants to get in a fight or in this case a shorty that wants to get in a fight and you're just waiting for anything dude i used to have a friend that just wanted to fight so bad if any if someone just run

ran into somebody in our group he'd be like what the fuck and then like shit popped off but you just probably wanted to punch that girl so bad bro she did one thing and you're like all right just no hesitation good for you all right yeah but throwing the whole fuck those little those little like fake kid like playhouse things and shit that's all i want to throwing the whole fuck those little those little like fake kid like playhouse things and shit that's all i want to do is fucking throw those they're so light bro imagine flipping one of those over that'd be my mad dad move if i was mad at my kid i'd straight up fucking

toss that bitch no like, it was six pounds. All right, let's keep going. Crazy shit you did to your family member from Anonymous. This guy! All right, this is the first time I've ever done an Instagram message, and I accidentally just sent you a blank message by mistake. Anyway, got one for your worst thing never happened to a family member. It unfortunately happened to me in this scenario,

and still terrifies me to this day. So we'll spend the night at my cousin's house i couldn't have been seven or eight at the time uh we all went to sleep in their loft loft two older cousins one younger cousin and all had sleeping bags whatever for the sleepover they had pet snakes so i did the thing you're not supposed to do to sleep over fell asleep first uh what did they do decided to release their pet snakes in the sleeping bag with me shut the fuck woke up screaming terrified didn't know what to do uh ended up going to sleep in my aunt's room and never stayed there again so and I'm still scared of snakes to this day so yep there's that and fuck snakes love the pod i love you dude but i got the chills dog dude snakes who likes fuck who likes snakes

dude when i see a snake i want to throw up on sight. Imagine having one in your sleeping bag, dude. Just hitting your legs and shit. I swear to God, it'd feel kind of good at first, though. You didn't fucking know it would. Two snakes just kind of cuddling around your leg. One's like wrapped. You know how they get in that circle thing? It's like that on your knee leg. One's like wrapped. You know how they like get in that like circle thing? It's like,

it's like that on your kneecap. You're like, the other one's laying on your chest, kind of just doing this to your face. You're like, oh, is that in your, in your,

in your dream? You just, it's just like a, like a cute little puppies that in your, in your, in your dream? It's just like a, like a cute little puppy's look in your neck. Wake up and literally kill yourself. Oh my God. If I woke up and saw a snake in my fucking room, dude, I, I would literally try to like cut in half of the pizza cutter.

So I would have zero idea what to do. Can you just kill snakes? I feel like you can. That's not like against the law, right? Well, you're going to jail because you killed a snake. I'd be like, what do you want me to do? Fucking make out with it? Because that was after I killed it.

You're allowed to kill snakes, right? Because that's like a threat. There is a threat detected in your house. It's in your sleeping bag. What the fuck? Let's keep going. So a couple years ago, when my brother and I lived together, he would always buy Snapple Teas.

And I was too broke and too lazy to go get some. Too broke to get two bucks. So I would go and drink his and replace it with a little bit of coffee water and a nice little mix of water, reseal it, and put them back. After I finished drinking them, I would wait and just see his reaction when he drank shitty coffee water thinking that it was his fresh Snapple tea. Damn. I want a goddamn Snapple tea so bad. I've never really heard of Snapple tea. Damn. I want a goddamn Snapple tea so bad. I've never really heard of Snapple tea. I thought it was, Oh, Snapple iced tea. The peach. Oh shit. Is that what he said?

My dad used to fucking go through those dude. That's my only childhood memory. Just my dad's Ford Taurus with 17 glass Snapple bottles in the backseat. They weren't in the backseat. They were just in the cup holders and shit. But whose fucking family didn't have a Ford Taurus? What a fucking car. Anyway, on the Hot Rod podcast, we'll talk about that next week. Just keep going.

From Anonymous. Bro, fuck it, man. You gotta have a good positive attitude and outlook on shit. I mean, depression kills, dude. I mean, fuck it. Still living like a rock star and fucking like a porn star. So, yeah. That shit just had me dying my guy the all right bro good shit my dude good shit ended the podcast on a uh the right note

dude i have no clue what that was about how did he was so drunk that sounds like me uh every time i even see uh alcoholic drink that this this is my voice one beer bro fuck it man oh my god there's no way that's real life oh shit i gotta play that again oh my god no i can't it's gonna ruin everything yeah i went to so bad but i can't it's just i don't know how to do it. Fuck you, man. Exactly. Okay. Since I just left a voice message on my own podcast, that'd be a fucking wild card. Maybe I should actually do that one day and leave one from anonymous.

I'm like, it's good. All right, let's keep going. So growing up, I have a brother who's five years younger than me and I used to pick on him all the damn time. And it was almost like daily beatings I gave him. It got to the point where I would shove him in our little mini freezer we had out in the garage. He eventually got so comfortable in there, he would start eating popsicles and just hang out and wait for me to get off of it so he could come on out. And of course, he was a good little brother and never snitched on me.

My parents never knew until we'd gotten older, obviously, and they were shocked. But I knew it was getting bad when one day we were standing in the kitchen. He was standing to my right, and I reached my arm up to grab a glass out of the cabinet, and he fell into a fetal position because he thought I was getting ready to pummel him bro this sounds a lot more severe than it was but anyway we're great friends now great brothers and yeah that's pretty fucked up I think uh making him sit in a deep freeze we're good brothers we're best friends we love each other saying all that shit because he fucking hates you deep down wow loki i kind of want to be stuck in it i would like to be stuck in a fridge maybe not too cold i would eat so much ketchup in there just in a fridge.

I would eat everything in the first hour and then have to die. How'd he die? The temperature? No, he just was starving. Let's keep going. Wait. Yeah. So the craziest thing that I've ever done

to a family member was when my older brother was picking on me one day and I wasn't really having it. I got really mad when I was on one of our steps that goes up into our kitchen. So I was on the high ground and all of a sudden I just got pent up with anger and aggression. And, um, all of a sudden I just got pent up with anger and aggression. And then I, uh, Superman punched him in the neck. I thought it was really awesome. My mom came out screaming, breaking us up, but I, I thought it was freaking awesome. And I thought I was the baddest man in the world. Oh, I love you, bro.

Yeah. Thanks, Ben. I appreciate your podcast. man in the world. Oh, I love you, bro. Yeah, thanks, Ben. I appreciate your podcast. It's really awesome. Really funny. Keep up the good work, man. Thank you. I'm going to cry and fucking hug you, dog. Superman hug you.

Oh, God. Superman punch. I don't even know what that means. Does that just mean like a big wind up? He's like, no, it was a normal punch. I just had a super man shirt on in the neck bro punching somebody in the neck is so real could never that would hurt so bad i wouldn't be i wouldn't talk the same i'd finally that would like click my puberty voice

that's probably all i need to talk like a fucking 30 year old dude. Somebody punched me in the throat. I'm like, what's up? My voice is just so low. It's good though. What's the move? That's wild, homie.

Yeah, dude. The first time you like stand up to your, what a moment in your life. I'm done with you. One time my sister tried to punch me and I caught her punch. Holy fuck, I felt so cool.

But then I was like, oh shit, she's just like an 18 year old girl. Damn it. I thought I was so fucking tough oh just right i was like whoa i did something stupid i like should have been like cool after but i like surprised myself i was like that was awesome uh so yeah so yeah that's that's what i thought uh then i went to my room and i was like oh my god fred fred fred fred fred fred let's keep going i tried to get my older sister in trouble once

when we were in kids huh sorry i fucked that up i tried to get my older sister in trouble once when we were kids we were standing at the top of the stairs and i threw myself down the stairs pretending like she threw me oh yeah pushed me i guess i wonder if it worked falling down the stairs really not that big of a deal you ever think about that it's not like nobody's ever been too fucked like oh god nobody's ever been too fucked. Like, Oh God, nobody's ever been like injured from that. For some reason, you always just slide right the fuck down. It kind of feels good. You like crack your back. You're like, Oh, all right. Don't need to go to the chiropractor anymore. No more copays, baby. We'll just take the fucking staircase.

People like go down the stairs for fun and shit remember you used to do that when you're a kid slide down the stairs with your stupid ass on every step i i would definitely try to do that too sounds like a win-win throw yourself down the stairs if it doesn't work it's just funny because nobody gives a fuck when you fall down the stairs and you're all right that's just hilarious dude when people fall down the stairs is that not the funniest fucking thing when people fall it's like oh okay i had to laugh first though But when people fall down the stairs, you're like, you're so fucking dumb. There's a railing.

Oh God. You ever just missed that last step and your life flashes before your eyes? Or you think that you're going up the stairs in the dark and you think there's one more step at the top and you do that stupid fucking lunge looks like you're getting ready for track practice going up the stairs you're like yeah kind of like hurt your lower back a little bit you're like because i have it

yeah but bro falling down some carpeted stairs that's top five top five dead or alive just keep going so when i was six i went roller skating with my dad and i wanted to pull a prank on him and pull down his pants wrong time but he had he had his belt tied too tight and when i pulled down his, he lost his balance on the skates, fell backwards and broke his tailbone. Holy fuck. And after that, poor guy had to sit on a donut for like six months. So yeah, I was six years old and I broke his tailbone.

So that's so weird. Roller skating with your dad and you break his tailbone how fucking mad was he oh imagine how mad your dad would be even just do like roller skating oh my god and then you break his fucking tailbone could never roller skate dude so bad at it my back hurts right when i fucking put roller skates on my back's like no that's a fried ass story god the things i would do to just pay to see dads fall down on roller skates i might hire like 12 dads and just be like, yo, put these skates on and just fucking go ahead. Figure it out. All of them just biting the fucking dust.

Me just sitting there laughing. That's what I want. That's what I want for my last day on earth. Just a roller rink of mad dads on sk skates and they're all just fucking eating it and i'm just sitting up in a fucking in like on a higher like level just with wine in one hand just just like a shitty prince somebody another fucking dad is feeding me grapes i push him over the edge he falls down spilling my fucking wine all over myself.

So sweaty from laughing. Oh God. That's all I fucking want. Oh Jesus Christ. Anyway, now that you, we have left my fantasy. Let's keep going.

The craziest thing I've did to a family member was I chased my sister. Why is she always listening? I know this girl, bro. She's always listening to like boys to men. With a butcher knife. And when she locked herself in the bathroom, I stabbed it through the door. But to be totally fair to me, she deserved it. She's been pissing me off.

Well, she had been pissing me off for weeks and weeks at a time. And I told her she didn't stop. I was going to chase her with a butcher knife. So she took that invitation to scream in my ear as loud as she could. And when I told my parents what I did, they just said, good. That's what she gets. Wow. I mean, I'm glad you listen to boys to men i love everything you do please don't kill me yo stabbed her through the door you crazy ass i guess when you're like six and shit you're just crazy so it is kind of like all right yeah you probably saw it on a movie thought it wouldn't matter through the door though that's like you got some fucking torque on that wrist through the wood bitch oh that's straight out of a goddamn movie

she said something in there oh her parents thought it was okay i don't know i couldn't dude i always heard like kids at school would be like yeah i hate my fucking twin brother i i chased him around the house with a knife yesterday i'm like you guys definitely ride the bus okay figured it out bro there were so many night because they're just out bro yeah knife should not be allowed out are you shitting me yeah make sure you don't stick your finger in the outlet when I'm gone, sweetie. Fucking full drawer of horror movie knives just sitting there. That's like a fucking gun damn near.

Remember all those commercials growing up when like a little like toddler or something would like wander into their parents closet and like flip over some clothes and find a gun and like point it at herself. I was like, oh my God, and they'd be like, keep your guns away from your children. It'd be like a government commercial. I was like, Jesus fucking Christ, bro. Am I the only one that remembers that? That shit was wild. That would scare the hell out of me, and then I'd go up in my parents closet and look for their gun i was like there's gotta be one there's gotta be one i'd find like all my christmas presents and be like fuck it i don't want them just look for the gun just me all right but yeah

knives i don't know craziest thing I ever did with knives. One time my mom left to go pick up my fucking sister from practice or some shit. I was home alone all the time. And I went out to the back and fucking threw like butcher knives at this tree just because I was like, I gotta do it. You know, you're just like, I gotta do it. And I lost one of the i like i lost one of the knives

it just like went in a bush and i was it was like one of those big fluffy bushes and i was like fuck that's our like butcher knife my mom's gonna be like where the fuck is that bro so i was just like panic looking through this bush for like 32 minutes. Just like, what the fuck? Where's this goddamn knife? I was finding like squirrel nests and like fucking a homeless guy. Like, no, not a knife, not a knife. There's like a fucking melted ice cream cone.

A whole family of raccoons. I was like, where's the nut? Finally found it. It was all chipped up and shit. Probably didn't even wash it. Put it back in the drawer. Old bush knife. Never hit the tree.

Oh, I might have once, but like it was the handle that hit it. I was like, I thought I was going to stick in there like I was fucking Robin Hood or some shit. All right, let's keep going. I was like probably five years old and my grandma was watching me

and she has a bunch of land and I was being annoying. So she told me to go play outside and then locked the door. So anyways, I took a shit on her porch. Oh God. Damn your own grandma. I wonder if she ever figured out if it was you or not

because that's a little slick ass move. She's like, this smells like my casserole. You don't think I know? Been shitting this smell for days. I know it was you. That's a grandma-ass thing. She would probably know what it was. She's like, that's tuna.

That's turkey tetrazzini. Get your ass back inside! What? That would happen to me for sure. Whoa, though. I could never take a shit in public like that. I'd be like, what do I wipe with? I think it's so weird when people take shits in the woods and wipe with the leaves.

I'm like, okay, Adam and Eve. Have fun with the leaves. I'm like, okay, Adam and Eve, have fun with that rash. I'm like, I don't want to shit anywhere, actually. I'll hold it until I get home. Or like a speedway or some shit, you know? Just lighten up gas stations, bro.

I will tear a fucking gas station up, big dog. Don't buy a damn thing in it either. Just walk out, throw up deuces. Smell ya later. So stupid. Let's keep going. I told my seven-year-old brother to shave off his eyebrows and he did and it was like right before

school pictures that's crazy that's so not your fault but that's wild just no brows I would die that'd be the one thing bro that I wouldn't I wouldn't post on Instagram. Me with no eyebrows. You serious? It's the only thing I care about. How stupid. Aren't eyebrows so weird though, if you think about it? They're just like your eyes mustache.

People with mustaches, I'm like, you got three. Literally, there's three eyebrows on your face shit let's keep going so i've been a a thick boy my whole life i'm very picky when i was in the fifth grade my brother was like 10 years older than me or 15 years older than me. And they were making some chili. Oh, God. And they were talking about adding tomatoes to it. Despite me, because I hated tomatoes in my chili, big, thick tomatoes.

And I got super mad at my brother. So I called the cops on him. Holy fucking shit. No, what's your emergency? Tomatoes. What the hell? That's like hilarious. Not liking tomatoes that much that you call 9-1-1

i can't handle this shit 9-1-1 instead of just taking taking them out of your your bowl of chili not even the big pot just your bowl 9-1-1 dispatch fucking cop car fire truck pulls up to your house they chop down your fucking door with an axe what's the problem just keep going craziest thing i ever did to a family member was when i was young probably like like five or six. Is she in church? Me and my little brother were jumping on the couch.

We were hitting each other, playing around, but hitting each other with curtain rods. And when we were bouncing, we got like, you know, he went up, I went down. And so when I was going up

and he was going down when we were bouncing, I went to hit him with the curtain rod and it went right down his throat. Oh, fuck fuck and he started bleeding a lot and down his throat how far ambulance and the ambulance pretty much didn't know what to do and they pulled it out and they said if it was like half of whatever you know whatever they say centimeter over um i could have like nicked something and he could have bled out and died. But he's still alive.

Jesus Christ, dude. I think they always say that, though. I swear to God, they always do that. They're like, yeah, one more minute, you would have been dead. One more inch, would have bled out. They always do that. And you're like, oh my God, thanks for saving my life. I'm a fucking dumbass.

The ambulance was late because I got back from the guy's tomato chili house. Sorry. Had to run in down the street with a fucking gold red tomato. That's crazy, homie. Curtain rod down his throat. How far, bro? Got a gag reflex? That dude definitely swallows swords for the circus now no fucking doubt he's just out there with fire behind them just where'd you learn how to do that oh it's a long story literally let's keep going uh i don't know how to do this shit anonymous anonymous and and enigmously whoa but there's a lot of shit going on bro shit in a bag and put it in my brother's pillow once it's because he pissed me off the sad thing about it is he didn't realize it until like three weeks after oh my god

shit was white and it fucked up his whole mattress shit was white that's what happens to shit after three days or three weeks i've never seen three week old shit has anyone it turns white does it like grow legs bro shit in a bag why did you put it in a white you shit in the bag if you're gonna put in this pillow that's already kind of a bag you need to look over the logistics of your pranks before you do them let's keep going uh i don't know how to do this shit and not us not a fuck let's just hear that that smoke detector again just to piss everybody off real quick and enigmously his fucking smoke detector was like say it it like fucking woke up he got so mad wow smoke detectors that are going off just randomly like in the background of videos and like interviews and shit i'm like get your shit together that's not a smoke detector that's just a you're a piece of shit alarm you're not homie but i'm just i'm

just fucking around benny boy a little bit down here a little bit this is your boy adam petterson here second time leaving you a message. You're so goddamn joyful. Craziest thing I've ever done. I haven't done anything super crazy. When I was little once, growing up on the farm, my sister and I, you know, sibling rivalry. You love to tussle a little here and there. I pushed her into the corner of our coffee table, I remember.

Oh, fuck. oh split her head open she had to get stitches so that was kind of wild uh when i was in college i also pulled a prank on my mom i had one of my roommates call my mom and say that i got arrested and i was in the drunk tank oh yeah i did that too you for a while the story going on he handed me the phone i told her april fools and then she started to cry because it was the same day that my great aunt got put into a nursing home so real bad timing on my part take a joke mom wouldn't you be happy i wouldn't be sad if somebody like april fools me i'd be like

oh thank fucking god i wouldn't start crying more but what if you were that makes sense let's keep going okay so this is like bio fair bio warfare 101 so i was 12 years old and I was... More noises, please. Spending the night at my uncle's house. Buckle your seatbelt. With my cousins. This one particular cousin was pissing me off the entire two-week Christmas break that we were on. So he asked me to go make him some ravioli and, like, a cup of lemonade.

At this point, I have the flu. I'm sick as a dog. This is so funny while i'm making his drink i hack up a loogie and put it right in his drink gave it to him and watched him drink it that's wild just couldn't get over all those. That was a symphony of my hell that was going on. Dude, was homie in a helicopter? He said his cousin asked him for ravioli and lemonade. Oh, what the fucking cutest ass meal.

Can I have some ravioli and lemonade? He just fucking fucking here. Wow. You know that motherfucker was so hungry and just scarf that loogie down. Like nothing happened, bro. I wonder how many times that actually happens at like restaurants and stuff. You know, they're going to spit your food. I'm like, I don't, I probably wouldn't care.

Sounds hot. Holy shit. I swear to there could be like a fucking entire ball of hair in my food. And I'd be like, all right, let's eat. Swear. One time I pulled out the longest hair. Maybe I've ever seen in my life out of my subway sub. Just like it was like,

I turned into fucking Criss Angel. Just kept going, bro. It's like, what is this weird? One of these weird ladies in Walmart with their hairs dragging on the ground. Like, did she just make my sub? Jesus Christ. Took a bite of it, and it tasted exactly like a hot dog. Next time on Subway Talk.

All right, a couple more. So, yeah, for me, it wasn't for what I did in my family, but, like, what they did to me. Oh, yeah. So yeah, for me, it wasn't for what I did in my family, but like what they did to me. So my sisters, they used to play with baby dolls when we were younger. And maybe the youngest, they would bite their arms and then use the baby bottles to pour water down their face and then blame the bite marks on me and get me in trouble. So that was pretty shitty. and then blame the bite marks on me and get me in trouble. So that was pretty shitty.

Bro, kids are fucking so weird. Bite your own arm and blame it on your brother? Are you Satan? While you're playing baby dolls, be more of a fuck that's crazy playing baby dolls and he bit me it's the biggest like kid that's like every kid has said that craziest thing I ever did to a family member was call out my brother for sexually abusing me at Christmas dinner I essentially ruined Christmas, but it was probably the most powerful moment of my life. And

he promptly left with his wife and kid in tow. And my parents continued eating Christmas dinner like nothing happened. Yeah. Trauma, baby. Wow, dude. You couldn't have saved it to like new year's something like less the height of all joy literally dude there's probably a sign on your wall in your parents

house that said joy to the world and you just tore that bitch down. Happy holidays. Whoa, what a car ride home for your bro though and his wife. No music. What if they did listen to music? They just fucking put on some future or something and left. ASAP Rocky. I love bad bitches. That's my fucking problem.

And I don't want to fuck. I got a fucking problem. As I drive away after that shit. Let's keep going. One time I ran around my house chasing my three-year-old little brother. Smoked him in the head with a nine iron because I was pissed off at him. He went to the hospital and got some stitches. Fuck yeah, dude.

Teach him who's boss. Wow. I was trying to think of a golf pun couldn't do it it wasn't up to par oh god I put my brother's phone number on a Craigslist

that fucking sigh before this does he even want to share it with us man seeking man casual encounter that's funny dude back funny we used to have those and then i had sex with them i'm just joking about the last part oh yeah right i'm just joking you're fucked up but that was a good story all right one more damn it's a double decker

i don't know if this is newsworthy but i think i should have definitely been arrested for two things one wait i was driving for five years oh that this isn't we'll listen to it anyway though but this is like two weeks ago shit my bad years or so with an a suspended id driver's license i didn't even know i'd never been pulled over in my car which by the way it's got to be this phone ticket because i was getting directions but luckily my friend was a cop in that area so he said okay send in the paperwork petition and whatever and then i'll just make sure it disappears okay that's i don't know we just that was horrible what we really stuck the landing on this podcast.

Jesus Christ. But yeah, that's the craziest shit you ever did to your family member. And you guys should all be in jail. But that's why this shit's anonymous. Thanks for all the DMs. That was a fun pod. Remember to follow the Patreon where we just

talk about nothing for 40 minutes and it's the best time I've ever had. So join for $5. Thanks for following on Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, YouTube. We got Drunk Recipes 2 coming out. I know I've been saying that for like 14 weeks, but it's a bitch, but it's coming. But okay. FBoy Island, July 14th.

See you there. Going to Miami for that. So whoever lives there, hit me up, leave me a voice message, but all right, y'all.