Espresso - creepy coaches

Episode Date: July 28, 2021

♦️ 𝘀𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) this week on espresso ben anonymously goes through the most disrespectful things you've ever done ˡⁱᵏᵉ ᵗᵒᵗᵃˡⁱⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵃᵈˢ ᶜᵃʳ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵍᵉᵗᵗⁱⁿᵍ ᵃʷᵃʸ ʷⁱᵗʰ ⁱᵗ👀 he talks about his life as a sports anchor intern, ranks the ugliest names for guys (Jeremy), realizes all his knowledge is from GTA and breaks down how weird middle school coaches are ✨𝗨𝗽𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘄𝘀✨ Sterling Event Center (featuring for Ray Hensley) | Greenwood, IN July 30 8pm Helium Comedy Club (Indiana's Funniest Semi-Final) | Indianapolis, IN Aug 3 8pm Helium Comedy Club (featuring for Hannah Berner) | Indianapolis, IN Aug 5, 6, 7 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝗲𝗻!: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Shot 169 Did you guys just hear my throat right there? Did you hear my throat? Why does that happen? Please excuse me if you heard the actual toad that was in my throat Shot 169 Yes That's right. Okay.

Yeah. This is like, uh, this song, this is just every Sunday. This song plays every Sunday in my head. Just does. Sunday's not like any other day of the week. Not like it's Sunday today or anything. But you know what I'm talking about? Sunday feels different than every single other day ever.

Friday and Saturday, you're like, yes! Sunday, you're like, I don't know. Yeah, I'm just kind of trying to figure it out, you know? Like, that's my tone on Sundays. I'm just like, yeah. We'll see. I, like, need a coffee and a cigarette on a Sunday. I'm like, mm-hmm.

Yeah. It's just kind of what it is. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Why are Sundays so dramatic, dude? Dude, if it rains on a Sunday, can you even imagine the drama? Dude, if it rains on a Sunday, what the fuck even happens to your life? Has it ever rained on a Sunday?

Holy shit. Sunday doesn't feel like any other day either. It's never like, oh man, it feels like a Sunday today. You never say that Like sometimes it feels like a Friday on a Thursday Or a Saturday Or some shit like that It never feels like Sunday on like a Wednesday Sunday's just like I don't know Yeah

We'll just Play it by ear It's always that like low key cracky voice Sunday Yeah It's always that like low key cracky voice Sunday yeah I'll uh Like you have like confidence But you're not sure at the same time You're like yeah I'll uh I'll figure it out

One of these days I don't know bro Holy shit Nespresso podcast Shot 169 69 I don't know, bro. Holy shit. Nespresso Podcast, shot 169. 69. I'm your host, Ben Polizzi. Remember to follow on Twitter, Instagram, Cameo,

TikTok, all at Benedict Polizzi. Got shows coming up this Friday. Don't know the date, don't know the date. Never have known the date. People that know the date Don't know the date Never have known the date People that know the date I don't understand your brain

That's just something I'll never know man The date or the months Maybe one day I'll fucking have a schedule And I'll be like next Tuesday the 17th Oh yeah I'm open that day How do people just know that kind of shit I don't know

Damn Yeah but this Friday the 30th 17th? Oh yeah I'm open that day How do people just know that kind of shit I don't know Damn Yeah but this Friday the 30th At the Sterling Events Center In Greenwood, Indiana It's going down I'm featuring for Ray Hensley My dude It'll be a hot show

And then next week Next Tuesday at Helium Comedy Club It's Indiana's Funniest I'll be at Helium at 8 o'clock Come out and then I'll be at Helium Comedy Club. It's Indiana's Funniest. I'll be at Helium at 8 o'clock. Come out, and then I'll be at Helium that weekend, 5th, 6th, and 7th. Got more info coming on that one. Come out to the shows, baby.

It means a lot to your boy. Yeah, man, I saw one of my... I was at work, and I saw one of my... This dude I used to work with at Wish TV. I was an intern at Wish TV. Like, like when I was doing it, I was like, this is kind of lame, but like, we'll just see, you know. I don't know how people know what they want to do with their life when they're going into college. Like, I didn't figure out what I wanted to do till like three years ago like people that had like their pathway to their life in college I was like how the fuck do you

know that's what you want to do how are you so sure I think that's so weird I remember on the first day of like orientation in college I sat down with like the my guy my guidance counselor he's like so what are you thinking about uh majoring in and I was down with like the my guy my guidance counselor he's like so what are you thinking about uh majoring in and I was like I have no fucking idea and he like gave me like four different like he gave me like four different things I could do that he thought I'd be interested in and I was like no so I just picked communications like every other person that doesn't know what they want to do with their life the only thing i really learned in college was just how to fucking deal with like people people why did i say it like that

the only thing i learned in college was just how to deal with people oh shit every time i like almost get serious about anything something like that happens and it's just like a reminder that i'm not like serious like when i try to get mad something always happens that reminds me like hey bro chill out that's my guardian angel you ever that your mom ever say some shit like that to you like when something good happens for no reason your mom's like well it certainly wasn't because you did something right. It was your guardian angel, you dumbass. So, yeah, you better fucking thank them. I'm surprised my mom didn't make me write a thank you note to my fucking guardian angel, dude.

Oh, shit. I would, like, fucking almost eat it when I was riding a bike. And my mom would be like, thank your guardian angel. I'd be like, what the fuck? Write a card. I'd be like, what's the address? She'd be like, what the fuck? Write a card. I'd be like, what's the address? She'd be like, look it up. Fuck, mom.

I don't know. What's the zip code to heaven? Guardian angel, dude. Another big religious household thing, like when you couldn't find something. You guys remember this? Hey. Hey, you can't find your Tamagotchi? You can't find your Tamagotchi you can't find your Tamagotchi pray to st. Anthony

Loki every time I did that showed up I'd be like st. Anthony where the fuck's my Tamagotchi not back I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm my bad my bad my bad like you ever you ever like meditate or like pray like that? Like, I think, I think people that like you pray to and shit are just like you, you know what I mean? Like I can fuck around with God. He like has a sense of humor to me. I'm like, St. Anthony, bro, are you gonna like, you point me in the right direction? Hey, St. Anthony, can we play hot and cold real quick? Have I ever found anything when I was actually looking for it? Nope.

It's always when I give up, and then the next, like, two days, I'm like, oh, there it is, but I don't even want it anymore here. Give it to Goodwill. All right, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so after I graduated college, I had no idea what I wanted to do, so I just started doing a bunch of shit. I was like, I know I like design stuff, so I started, like, when I was a idea what I wanted to do so I just started doing a bunch of shit I was like I know I like design stuff so I started I like when I was a kid I always wanted to like design

uniforms for Nike because that shit would be like be cool and I still like I'm interested in that but it wasn't like my thing like I was I couldn't just like sit there the whole day like on a computer screen I was driving myself insane and I like every time I was like designing logos and shit I was listening to podcasts and like funny ass shit and like people on TV and I was driving myself insane. And every time I was designing logos and shit, I was listening to podcasts and funny-ass shit and people on TV, and I was like, that's what I want to do. So I started doing some TV stuff, and the dude I met there, he was my camera guy.

His name was fucking Randy. People that are named Randy fix it or something. Make it cuter. People that are named Randy, like, fix it or something. Like, make it cuter. People that are named Randy just seem like they, like, have a bad past. He's like, hey, I'm Randy. I'll be the camera guy. I'm like, did you take my wallet? I, like, check my back pockets.

I, like, lock my car. You ever do that? You, like, park your car and you, like, get out and you, like, walk to where you're trying to go to. And, like, you see something weird going on you're like you lock it twice because you're like something fucked up's about to happen randy's a fucked up name are there any names like any other names like that that you're just like i don't know if i trust you like out the gate like if like i think if like a guy ran for president and his name was randy people would be like nah we're good dustin dustin just sounds weird dustin dustin names that sound like you

don't trust them already randy dustin jeremy why do they always all they all sound like someone farted. Grossest names. Is someone's name like something bad from a movie? Or like from a show growing up? If someone's name is like Axel, I'm like, fix my car or leave me alone.

Randy, Jeremy, Dustin, Axl. Axl actually sounds like a fucking guy that'd be a lead singer of a band. But, yeah, this dude's name is Randy, and he's my cameraman. He, like, came into the restaurant I work in the other day. Like, I haven't seen this guy for three fucking years, and he was talking to me like I spent every fucking minute of the day with him for the past ten years. I was like, me like I spent every fucking minute of the day with him for the past 10 years I was like bro like what do we I'm I like literally remembered his name halfway through the conversation I was like oh yeah oh yeah but he was talking to me and uh

he helped me a lot like he's my camera guy he'd like give me pointers like because I'd have to go to like basketball games and shit and be like, tonight we've got Westfield against Center Grove. It'll be a good one. Stay tuned on Wish TV. I'm Ben Polizzi. Like, some shit like that. And I, like, I didn't have a teleprompter. People are like, so were you reading? You didn't have, like, notes or anything? I was like, no, I just had to, kind of, put my own spin on it. And, like, I'm horrible with shit like that. I'll, like, have it all written out. And I'm like, that like that I'll like have it all written out and I'm like that's what I'm saying tonight perfect got it let's do it then I'll get in front of the camera and I'm like why does it sound like not me at all like it sounds like some fucking guy named

Andrew or something wrote this I'm like who wrote this and they're like you did 10 minutes ago now let's go so uh I was with him all the time. And he'd be like, I hated that one. And I'd be like, was that good? And he's like, wasn't paying attention. Like, he was like, he gave me like direct feedback, which was cool. Honest people, bro. Honest, direct people.

Love you. But yeah, I went back. And they were like, OK, at the end of your internship, you're going to compile all your best stand-ups. That's what they call them in news business. When you do like a, hey, I'm Ben Polizzi, and we're in front of Banker's Life Fieldhouse tonight. It's always that voice, dude. Tonight. I had to compile all those and make a reel and like send it out to Like sports stations local sports stations

And shit So I'd get a job and they were like Post it on your social media so your family and friends Can like see what you're doing and I was like I cannot Post that corny ass shit on my Social media are you serious Like this like Me being serious thing

Like nah dude it's not me so I just posted all the fuck ups and that's what I did last week and like that shit was so uh that was the most genuine stuff bro because I was like being hurried and I was like trying to be like kind of funny and like kind of that was my first time like on camera with a mic probably probably. It was funny to see people's reaction to that. Just another day at the pool. Didn't make sense. But people, I think I want to make a shirt and sell that as merch. Just another day at the pool.

I think it would be cool. I can't believe I'm still talking about this, actually. Has it been like an hour? Let's get to the espresso. Quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week but first first this podcast is brought to you by wave one media if you want to start your own show visit thewaveone.com okay the espresso question of the week is what's the most disrespectful thing you've ever done here Here we go. Anonymous.

Definitely shit my pants, hungover, and stuffed my wrecked boxers in the baby changer of a McDonald's. Damn. Why didn't he just throw them away? In a baby changer. Oh, he must have been feeling some type of way about fucking something that day or like if McDonald's fucked up his order he's probably like fuck you guys if McDonald's I get it though

if McDonald's like I could never do that man I just have a thing every time I'm about to do something bad I'm like I just karma always gets me I'm about to do something bad I'm like I just Dude I'm Karma always gets me I'm like ah no Just don't I like almost

I almost didn't like spit gum out the window the other day Cause of karma Now I'm thinking about it That'll probably just kill the squirrel Like I'm that kind of bitch When that kind of stuff happens. I'm like, I don't know. What's the most disrespectful thing you've ever done?

This is an audio message. I have no idea what it's from. We're just going to play it. You ready? The most disrespectful thing that I've ever done was spit inside of my mother's boyfriend's laundry inside of the dryer. I was pissed off at him and I was trying to be extremely petty and I like to do that type of shit when I was a teenager. I used to like to do that type of shit as far as get payback. And so I hawked a loogie, spit it inside of the dryer, and turned it on.

So everything he wore was dried up loogie. Kind of snotty. That audio message was kind of lit, honestly. If people want to start sending an audio message, I'd be down. I mean, it makes sense. Unless you like the way. I think I've gotten better at reading because of this because of this fucking podcast but she spit in the dryer I think it

would just dry it up right and you wouldn't even know I swear to god man I want to know that's what I want to know when I like die I want to know like how many times somebody spit my food why and like what it was for. Like, I wouldn't get mad at them. I'd just be like, oh, wow, you did? When I got that fucking BLT in 2008, you spit in that? I mean, why? And they'd be like, oh, you're just pissing me off.

And you're like, oh, oh, oh, oh. Like, in heaven, you know what I mean? Just like, oh, shit, what did I say? You called me a fucking fat bitch. Oh, I deserved it it you're spitting my mouth again oh god oh my god dude i i bet dude who knows man that's like the the risk you take when you're when you go to a restaurant that's like part of part of the experience is like hey guess what here's your food and somebody might have fucking pissed all over it. Either way, you won't find out.

And it'll still taste fucking amazing. Like, no one in the history of the world's been like, I think someone spit on this. Can you imagine saying that to your server? Hey, I think somebody spit on this. They'd think you're fucking insane. Alright, let's keep going. A couple more, a couple more, a couple more.

Type shit, type shit type shit most disrespectful thing you've ever done anonymous gone into a friend's place and had sex on his bed I think everybody in the history of the world has done some form of that it depends how good of a friend he is to you

like if my best friend was like Yo bro I'd be like just do it And just fucking wash my sheets And like pay me a little bit Like buy me a restaurant fucking veggie burger That somebody spit on and we're good Whoa

Most disrespectful thing you've ever done Anonymous Totaling the captain of Policy's car Driving away And getting away with it I don't think I've ever gotten away with anything I don't think I've ever gotten away with

One thing in my whole fucking life Like that's why I don't That's why I'm like scared to do most things I'm like bro there's no't, that's why I'm, like, scared to do most things. I'm like, bro, there's no way, bro. Nope. Every time I'm like, I might as well

turn my damn self in. That's my luck. Hey, that's my luck. I'm that guy all the time. Hey, no, because you know what? They would find out and that's my luck.

I'm such a that's my luck. Bitch. Holy shit. luck I'm such a that's my luck bitch holy shit one more most disrespectful thing you've ever done dude most disrespectful thing I've ever done is while playing euchre this is all gonna be Chinese I would ask the person to the left to cut the deck sometimes I have had the disrespect to put the cut portion back on the top. Bro, I don't even know what that means. But if that's the most disrespectful thing you've ever done, like, you're going to have a great family. Because that shit sounds like super, like, not that bad.

Because that shit sounds like super like not that bad. When people talk about movies and cards, I am just like my, they just start talking in Chinese. That's what it sounds like to me when you're talking about movies or cards. Or a dream. Oh my God, guess what? What? A dream. Oh my god, guess what? What?

I had a dream last night that... That is weird. Boing, boing, boing, boing. I hope somebody just fucking started listening to this podcast at that point they'd be like oh my god I'm showing this to my Chinese grandma all right let's go to a viral hashtag lessons learned online everything jesus christ lessons learned online um what did i really fuck up online one time dude you know what i always fuck up online when i'm buying something

online the shipping and the billing why is that so hard to fill out I'm like I've had the same address for five years like but for some reason I'm always like is that my zip um and then they're like is the billing the same as the shipping and I'm like um yeah even though it has been for the past five years yeah hold on then I'm like wait is that my current credit I don't people who know their credit card numbers I'm like how the fuck I don't know those three digits on the back I'll never know them every time it comes time to buy something dude if somebody had a gun to my head and they're like what's your cvv I'd be like just pull the trigger bro hashtag men and women can't agree on. I've never men and women can't agree on.

I've never known a guy that's like able to find something. You know what I mean? Like how come women can always find shit so easy? It's just such a weird thing like if i'm looking in a cabinet like for some reason my i'm like my brain's like ask for help like because fuck this like all this shit dude a girl can find something in a cabinet i just want to see like a side-by-side race of a full cabinet of shit and then a guy and a girl like both trying to find like tylenol in it or like you know like uh everything bagel seasoning in a full cabinet of shit i bet it would take the guy the guys the guy never will stop looking it'll take him 17

minutes the girl will do it with fucking uh like a face mask on like a moisturizing face mask on and cucumbers over her eyes she'll be like found it whatever the guy will be like wait what the fuck fuck you bitch the guy like I would just I would buy some online and have it shipped but I wouldn't know my cvb then I'd be like I don't even want to eat this shit anymore. Nevermind. Hashtag, will you still love me when? God, you ever find out like the weird thing about somebody like you, your best friend or somebody like, like you found like you find out like their number one weird thing and you're like, oh shit, that's your thing, huh? That's your weird thing that you didn't want to tell me, but I just found it out. That's your weird thing.

Wow. Hashtag, will you still love me when you find out everything I know? Like every like, every like smart thing I know that you, that you, that I'd say, and you'd be like, I didn't think he would know that. That's all because I played Grand Theft Auto growing up on video games. I swear to God, I knew, i figured out how to navigate a map i figured out how to like stop crime i figured out how to like like uh defend myself bro grand theft auto taught me everything i know it taught me how to like have a like a like a tough personality grand theft auto taught me how to have a tough personality. Grand Theft Auto taught me more than my goddamn dad.

My parents. Who raised you? The streets of fucking Vice City, bitch. I learned how to shoot a gun. I learned how to problem solve. Every single thing I learned from Grand Theft Auto. I learned how to fly a jetpack and kill people with flamethrowers. Damn, that game bro can

you do you remember that my mom walked in on me like killing mass amounts of people with like ak 40 like two ak-47s at one time and she was just like um did you vacuum, that's what she said after seeing that. Flamethrower. She'd just be like, But did you dust your room? And I'd be like, oh my god, sorry. I'd press pause and go do it real quick and be like, she didn't say anything about me throwing a Molotov cocktail at a police car.

Dude, Grand Theft Auto. What a fucking game, bro. That wasn't a game. That was like a part of my, that was like a big part of my life. Yeah, I didn't have a middle school. It was just elementary school, GTA, high school, college. Dude, that game taught me literally everything I know and love. Wow.

For real, dude, I wouldn't know. The reason I know how to get anywhere with directions and shit, I learned that from Grand Theft Auto. There's a little map in the corner. There are some levels on that game that would take me two weeks to beat. Two weeks. The timing was off. It was always the levels on video games with the timer.

I'd be like, oh, fuck.'d like have to call my friend and be like Yo bro can you come over here and beat this level Cause I'm fucked How am I supposed to do this in 15 seconds Dude the timer gave me so much anxiety That's what my anxiety is from That timer on Grand Theft Auto levels Not Not presenting science fair in front of my whole class that's what my anxiety is from that timer on Grand Theft Auto levels not

presenting science fair in front of my whole class my anxiety didn't come from that it was from a fucking level on Grand Theft Auto when the timer popped up in the right hand corner of your TV I'd be like I'd be scared to even start the level right when the clock ticked I'd be like

oh shit hashtag whenever I'm asked to pitch in I'd be like oh shit oh shit oh shit Hashtag Whenever I'm asked to pitch in Whenever I'm asked to pitch in We had so many That's the worst thing about working a 9-5 corporate job Dude they will fucking Party till no end

Hey we're doing our white elephant. Hey, we're having a cookout. Hey, we're all meeting up after work. You coming? They'll peer pressure you into it and you're like... I hate all you motherfuckers so much. Yeah, I'll be there. Has that ever crossed your mind?

yeah I'll be there has that ever crossed your mind when there's like a work meetup somewhere and everybody's going like is it does anybody actually is anyone actually like fuck yeah I'll be there like first initial thought like yeah when

anytime any of that shit if I got an email it was like we're meeting or the boss was like let let's go, everybody. I'd be like, fuck. Really? Dude, the inside of me would just melt. My whole brain would just be like. No, I don't want to fucking hang out after work.

no I don't want to fucking hang out after work when I see those like pedal bars downtown Indianapolis and it's like you can tell it's like a work group or it's like a department of an office and they're trying to have fun so bad I'm like man I'm glad I worked in a corporate office before pedal bars cause holy shit can you imagine fucking Becky from accounting just being like in a corporate office before pedal bars because holy shit can you imagine fucking becky from accounting just being like this is a part of me where you're never gonna have a break from me

holy shit in a polo with like the you know the women's polo this is a it's like i feel so bad for those corporate people that don't want to be on the pedal bars but they're just doing it for the love they're just doing it just because tim what song do you want shut the fuck up i mean uh hot in here by nelly that'd be my Tourette's. My Tourette's would kick in during that. I'd start saying shit I shouldn't say. Fuck you, Becky!

He passed me a Miller Lite out of the cooler. I've got I don't want to do it Tourette's. When something's happening and I don't want to do it, I just start being completely honest to people. Holy shit. You want to get a beer after work? Fuck off, Jeff! Fuck you, I hate you! Uh, I got something to do.

Uh, I got to meet up. I made plans. Alright, next time. Yeah, right, bitch! I mean, for sure. Let me know! No! For sure. Let me know. That's gotta be what people think, right?

Or am I just like demented? He's Satan. Alright, let's do days. Wednesday. National Milk Chocolate Day. Just nothing better than milk chocolate. And you know deep down that that's the truth. People that like dark chocolate, all those different kinds of chocolate.

Cranberry chocolate, strawberry, like, no. Dark chocolate's good, but it's such the backup QB to milk chocolate. Milk chocolate is QB1. No, dark chocolate just tastes better. It's it's healthier okay but what would you really want hmm when it's real late at night you had a you had a bad day or you had a really good day you're on a long drive home and you stop at the gas station. You filled up.

You go inside and you kind of want some candy. It's funny. You kind of wanted some candy and you go in the candy aisle and look at all the different kinds. It's another thing, the candy aisle, bro. Everything's so bright and fucking pretty in the candy aisle. And you're like, hmm. Oh, I don't want anything sour it's not that time of the day after 8 p.m sour candy goes out the window nope not even an option 8 to 3 a.m chocolate sour candy during the day on some weird shit sure movies matinee sour candy

8 p.m rolls around hershey's just looking at you like what's up baby boy the fuck you doing looking at me like that huh peanut butter m&ms that you don't even like that much are like, hey, get your attention, you know? At the corner of your eye, you're like, wait. But if you have an option, if you want Snickers and there's a normal Snickers and a dark chocolate Snickers,

what the fuck do you think you're doing in that situation? If you go dark chocolate, you're just trying to prove a point. You're trying to be something you're not. That got real deep. Thursday. National Lasagna Day. Lasagna's gotta be, like, the weirdest Italian food. The most, like, it's just like a special occasion.

If you get lasagna every single time, like bro, you're literally Garfield. When your mom made lasagna, you'd be like, oh my God, thanks mom, oh my God. Because it looks like so much work, you know? It just looks like she'd cooked it for four years and you're like, oh my God, you know what? I'm good, you eat it all

every time you your mom made you dinner she didn't even fucking look at it my mom would make us a like a feast for dinner sometimes fire bro when my mom would bust out the sloppy joe night i was like oh fuck i'd walk i'd leave my friend's house early and be like got something to take care of at the old house bro sloppy joe night because you know what the fuck sloppy joes are fire because they're different and they're just good and they have that seasoning that's whatever the hell's going on Sloppy Joe's. Shout out to that seasoning. It's like a little, hey, it's kind of, hey, it's kind of tangy.

Hey, no, no, hey, every time something tastes a little better, this is what somebody at the table says. Yeah, there is a little kick to it. But, you know, it's popping off. And if she brings out the you know those uh those buns with the like uh everything seasoning or whatever damn i'm really talking about everything seasoning the buns that they have on like beef and cheddars at arby's those buns with like the onions on top if those if it's sloppy joe night and you see those buns in your kitchen before it really goes

down it's like oh clear my schedule you're 12 clear my schedule but you know what's going with with uh with sloppy joe's you know there's gonna be mac and cheese and you're like and you know in the you know the vegetable is gonna be straight gas too like your mom's not skipping on that vegetable like she got sloppy joe she got mac and cheese know the vegetable is going to be straight gas, too. Like, your mom's not skipping on that vegetable. Like, she got Sloppy Joe's. She got mac and cheese. Like, the vegetable is going to be asparagus. And you're like, oh, it's not going to be peas, you know.

You might even make some lemonade for that ass. Yeah. Hit for the cycle. Grand slam ass dinner. Damn, I'm just hungry at this point. This is lame. All right, Friday. Friday.

National get gnarly day. The first time I saw how to spell gnarly, I was like, never mind. The first time you saw a word that you've just been saying all your life and it's spelled not the way you saw it you were like oh it's like it's like the word owes you money it's like you caught the word like making out with your girlfriend you're like wait what hey hey what the wait a minute we didn't wait you didn, you didn't, you never told me? You never told me. Hors d'oeuvres, you never told me? Hors d'oeuvres, you never fucking, you weren't just, you were just going to let it fucking fly by the radar that you were spelled like that?

Hors d'oeuvres, dude. Yeah, I just thought that word was like some normal shit. I didn't know it was like French Words you don't Think are spelled The way They are spelled That's the type of shit I need to like practice how to type in google searches

11 weirdly spelled words Wednesday yeah February whatever Receipt, asthma. Oh, kernel. Kernel. When they put that on the board and said kernel, I was like, okay, that's colonial. But anyway, we'll pretend that did. That was one of those I let slide.

If my teacher was like, that's how you spell kernel, I'd be like, all right. No, that's literally how you spell it. I was like, uh all right. They're like, no, that's literally how you spell it. I was like, uh. Saturday. National Mutt Day. That's so disrespectful. I can't believe mutt isn't a slur. Is it?

I might actually, like, not be able to. I might be canceled for saying that. If you say mutt, bro, in front of anyone, I feel like that's literally, that's not okay anymore. Yeah, you're a mutt, piece of shit. Nothing good comes after the word mutt.

Like, you've never been in a good mood and just been like, oh, wow, look at this little furry guy. Does he need anything? Oh, nice little mutt. Nice little mutt.

Come here. Nice little mutt face Nice little mutt. Come here. Nice little mutt face. Little mutt face. You a pop cop, huh? Huh? Come here. Little mutty boy. Little mutty face.

Little mutt, mutt, mutt. I see you little mutt butt. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Wagon that down. So he's like, that fucking mutt got in our yard and ate all our fucking garbage You piece of shit Mutt shit

Fucking my neighbor's mutt Oh shit not that that ever happened or anything Sunday Shit, not that that ever happened or anything. Sunday. Sunday. Oh, National Respect Your Parents Day. Yeah, true. Dude, what about, how about, I mean, everybody respected their parents. You know what I mean? Duh.

But, like, how about coaches at the end of your practice, like home way too hard It was always after their son or daughter Probably said something shitty to them At the end of practice Hey, hey, hey, hey Let's say our prayer and get out of here Remember though You'd be like, oh my god Can we just fucking go home

They'd be like, hey They'd always say the weirdest shit Your coaches at the end of practice This is your coach at the end of practice Go home give your mom and dad Kiss em Kiss em give em a big kiss Your mom and dad

I'd be sitting there on one knee with my fucking shoulder pads on And I'd be like I've never fucking kissed my dad You want me to If I tried to kiss my dad he'd slap me in the fucking face and tell me to like write sentences for four hours if i kiss my mom she'd be like what the fuck's wrong with you bitch i'd be like oh go home kiss your mom and dad give him a kiss on the don't even they coaches are so don't even kiss him on the cheek kiss him on the right in the fucking mouth

kiss him on the mouth look him in the fucking mouth. Kiss them on the mouth. Look them in the fucking eye while you're squeezing the shit out of them. Squeezing them. Squeeze your mom and dad. Squeeze them like a snake. Like a reptile. Squeeze them like an anaconda so they can't breathe. Tell them you love them.

Tell them you love them so much. Look them in their fucking eyes. Kiss them. Tell them you love them. Oh, yeah. Oh, you like your parents, right? Yeah, because they sacrificed everything for your little fucking bitch ass. And you look them in the eye and you kiss them again. Say, Mom and Dad, I fucking love you you guys even if they're even if they don't live together even if they're divorced in separate houses you bring them together and

you fucking squeeze them both the same time you look them in the eyes you say you fucking love them and you're thankful because they'll appreciate that, no they won't, bro. Jesus Christ, coach. Can we fucking break it down already? I'm fucking, like, freaked out. I don't think I want to play anymore. At the same time he's saying all that shit, tell your parents you love them. Your fucking dad's trying to pick you up from practice

while your coach is talking to you. And he's, like, honking his horn. He's like, come on, what the fuck? We're going to be late. Let's go. Get your fucking ass in the car it's weird ass coach tell him you love him god kiss him you know what yeah lick their neck you tell them yeah yeah you're thankful for everything because they went through fucking hell for you pieces of shit you hear that

now what do you say we beat these guys on sunday huh break it in thing because they went through fucking hell for you pieces of shit. You hear that? Now, what do you say we beat these guys on Sunday, huh? Bring it in. You're like, okay, Warriors on three. One, two, three. Nothing will pump you up like that at the end of a practice. Tell them you fucking adore him You love him Okay

Thanks coach Alright that's shot 169 Of course it is Oh shit alright Thanks for listening guys For real Remember to follow on Twitter Instagram

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And all that stuff, man. It means a lot. Thanks for riding, man, because one day it's going to pop. It's going to be fun. Okay. I'll talk to you guys next week. All right, fam. so you