Espresso - crimes you never got caught for

Episode Date: October 19, 2023

on this ep benny reacts to the crimes you committed but never got caught for (like stealing 12 turtle eggs)Support Benny (get bonus content and LIVE STREAM every Sunday!)🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿����𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi  🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedictLeave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 

My friend was like, yo, I need a shoe form for that, like, Air Force One on the wall. Can you grab one real quick? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I went back in the back, and there's a box of shoe forms, and I got the shoe form and just put the whole thing in my ass. And I gave him the shoe form, and I was like, yo, does that smell weird to you? Like, I got it from the box with all of them. He was like, what the fuck?

What up, fam? Espresso Shot 285. I'm your benedict palizzi uh where are we we're in la we're doing this dude new new studio is this the studio that we're gonna record in all the time now i don't know but for today it is shot 285 uh i'm your kind of mad ex-girlfriend that you saw last weekend and you don't know why she's still mad but she's still a bit mad that's me I'm Benny let's talk but before we get started remember that this podcast is going to drop on YouTube

Spotify Apple Pods and then the podcast next week is Patreon only so alternating weeks next week it's on Patreon the week after that it's on YouTube Apple and Spotify and then you know because we got to go to the kiss club we got to get the kiss club going and i already see some people trickling over so remember uh in the kiss club on patreon patreon five dollars a

month for uh a live stream every sunday every other podcast. So join. Help your boy. And tell your psycho friends to join. Only if they're psycho, though. That's the rule. We got one rule. Kiss me every day and tell your psycho friends about the podcast, but don't tell them if they're not psycho.

Let's get into it. Espresso question of the week. Did the fam help me out with this one? our live stream we were like talking about which uh which question we should do and we came up with this what's the crime you committed that you've never been caught for and dude and for me i feel like every single day the fbi is gonna knock on my door for some shit, but it's, but it all comes back to the day when I downloaded 25 Soulja Boy songs in a row on LimeWire after school at 3 PM. I probably downloaded 20,000 songs total, maybe 200,000. Like every single illegal thing I did went through LimeWire.

I'm talking about pictures. I'm talking about first boobs I've ever seen, LimeWire. And yeah, I've been waiting every, because you always heard that growing up, that like some dude got fucking arrested for like downloading music illegally. Remember that shit? I'm still waiting on my fbi agent but uh i feel like that could get me i haven't really i'm kind of a bitch i haven't really done

anything wrong um when i was a kid i used to like go and target this is pretty illegal but like how are you gonna arrest like a fucking 15 year old freshman in high school this is like my shit when i was when i was 15 i'd go into target go to the key remember they just had those big ass drawers like dresser drawers of candy like all the different ones i'd go into the swedish fish one and just take a handful put in my hoodie pocket and just walk around target that's like what i did for fun wouldn't have it any other way i'd still do that today by the way Cause like Target is so peaceful dude And we're just gnawing on a little red sweetest fish

Why do they slap so hard I love just a normal ass candy It's not sour There's nothing crazy going on It's just a stupid ass gummy fish Oh god it's so good I love some plain shit. Cheese pizza.

Why does everybody have to fucking scream when I say I want, what kind of pizza do you want? Just cheese. Oh my God. Are you serious? Vanilla ice cream, dude. I swear to God, I love vanilla ice cream. I don't care you're like

boring what the fuck no dude every single time i go get ice cream i want vanilla deep down but i get like peer pressured into buying some crazy shit and i'm like i don't even want this uh yeah stealing swedish fish and walking around a target for 15 hours. I guess it's a crime, but like, you know, why is he in jail? Oh, this, you know, I did a lot of, I did a lot of this kind of shit when I was in high school. It's like not a crime, but it's like, dude, it's just kind of like a pain in the ass for other people.

You know, like my mom had this big ass box of tennis balls because she's a tennis instructor and it was just in our like dead tennis balls like tennis balls that just sucked i don't know why we had them but there's just a big ass box of them me and my friends took them and threw them off the highway like the bridge you know what i mean there's like a highway and then there's a bridge on top we just got out of the car with this big ass box of tennis balls and threw that shit over so there's just like 48 tennis balls in the middle of this fucking street wouldn't that be some cool shit if you were driving you just saw a bunch of tennis i wouldn't be scared i'd just be like and one of them hit a semi and the semi lost control and it fucking blew up on the side of the road but i mean we didn't need to we didn't need to say all that um yeah i was a big vandalism

dude like just because i was scared to do anything real like crimey i was like you know i'll just fucking vandalize something who really cares it's like a funny joke we like took someone's christmas decorations i can't believe i'm saying this shit we tell you know the the house that like goes off the chain for christmas and has like all the shit in the front yard like the big ass inflatable fucking snowman and shit like that we took all those and we we put them all on the neighbor's house like like big ass um like the winter ball thing the snow globe like in the neighbor's yard so the neighbor woke up and was like it's so lame but like that's the shit i did that's the shit i did um yes let's hear your shit what'd you do what's the crime

you committed that you haven't been caught for let's hear it so i really am like a pretty good civilian i don't like breaking rules but you know like the olive bars at whole Foods or whatever. Like, I always steal one or two. I just, I have to. I love olives. But I don't also want to, like, commit myself to, like, buying $30 worth of olives. I just want one. You know what it is? It's just part of the game.

Whole Foods? You gonna jack the prices up? I'm stealing stuff. Part of the game. is it a sin no i think i think when i steal things from whole foods god's like yeah it's part of the game you know what i mean you ever like negotiate with god or whoever the fuck you believe in this is turned into a religion podcast real quick. Dude, I will say some shit and be like, I think God would rock with that. Like if I stole a hard-boiled egg from Whole Foods and they're charging me like 14 bucks for 10 hard-boiled eggs. Bro, it's like buy 10, get one free.

It's part of the deal. I will steal everything from Whole Foods though. I did actually turn into a little bit of a thief. I'll fill up that. You guys know me and the hot bar, bro. Me and the hot bar have a toxic relationship. I'll fill up my hot bar box. Just like an incredible amount of food.

Like the amount of chicken that could feed a family of six. And my bitch ass, you know that trick you do at the airport when you weigh your luggage i do that with the whole food scale and i put it on there and i just put it on like this this much of the this much of the chickens on the scale dude 26 cents for chicken that could feed a fucking football team. And one time I picked the wrong box and the customer had to come over there. Oh, dude, this cringe moment of the week right here. Cringe moment of the week when I got caught stealing at Whole Foods.

And the cashier lady was just like, you piece of shit. I had a soup container full of hard boiled eggs and I weighed them for like nothing. And the checkout lady came up to me and she was like, what's in there? And I was like, soup. And she's like, yeah. And she's like, yeah. And she was like, okay. And she wasn't even going to make me open it so she could look. I just did it because I'm an idiot.

And I was like, soup, look. And I like wanted there to be soup in there so bad. But there was just like 40 compressed hard-boiled eggshells with no yolk. Because I like doctored them up when I was at the salad bar taking the yolk out of the eggs is anybody psycho like that bro I'll sit by the hard-boiled eggs and take each individual yolk out pack it down in a soup container and ring it up for 26 cents and leave whole foods but she called me she goes that's not soup and I was like She goes, that's not soup.

And I was like, just so guilty. And then the real total was like $9.29. I was like, oh my God, I'm a bitch. I just paid $10 for fucking hard-boiled eggshells. But I feel you. You can take stuff. Whenever there's a bar, they know. They know. That's the chance you take when you're a food place,

food establishment, and you have an open bar of shit, of like build your own. You're getting got. You're getting got. Like the build, remember the frozen yogurt places were jumping off like five years ago? You had Orange Theory. God, that was such a phase, huh?

All those frozen yogurt joints. All in the back of our heads. The whole time when we were eating frozen yogurt like that. Every single day. We were thinking. Why am I not just that dairy queen. But I would pile some shit on there too. Just so many sprinkles. I'm a little fucking

bitch for sprinkles. What's wrong with them? Um, yeah, you're getting got stealing all of, you know, who's going to do anything. She stole a fucking all dude. My dad used to, I've, I've said this probably every single podcast. My dad used to walk into the grocery store with me. And he used to... This is why I thought it was okay. My dad used to take... Dude, this is such a my dad thing. He would go to the bins with all the candy in them.

And he'd go and he'd do... What's the big ass like raisin? The big raisin? It's a... What's it called? God damn damn it i know you guys are saying it right now big raisin what's it called bro types what can i think of it oh my god this is gonna drive me nuts i don't know what it's called i'm tripping right now but you know the big raisin that kind of looks like a bug cocoon my dad would take that and dude he'd take like four

and just eat them while we were like looking for like milk and eggs and stuff and i was like oh i guess you can just kind of take stuff out of there why not he'd do it with chocolate covered pretzels what the fuck are those things called I don't know god that's pissing me off but um yeah he'd pick the wild cards man my mom would do the same shit like my mom would uh buy wheat thins at the store and we'd be walking around like shopping and she would open the wheat thins and start eating them like what in the store is that some gross shit is that some like is that some like is that some redneck she'd eat like half a box of wheat thins and then she'd check them out i'd be like you were that hungry my mom's whole entire diet was wheat thins and wine though which i completely understand let's keep going what's

the crime you committed that uh you haven't been caught for? The link that you put in your story, for whatever reason, the microphone kept fucking up. Anyway, without further ado, I love you criminal milky boy, yo. So, I was in St. Simon. Ah, shit, I gave it away. I was in a town, a beach town,

back in college with an old girl. And we were there for a little romantic getaway for a week, whatever, yada, yada, yada. We go to this area, 100 yards through the spider-infested woods, horrifying, but a beautiful view at 4 in the morning it was. So we get there on the beach, right? To my right is the lady. To the left is a bunch of sand. In that sand was a net.

On top of that net was a sign that read something along the lines of sea turtles are here. Don't take them. It's a felony. Whatever. So basically I was like, holy shit, these are fucking sea turtle eggs. So actually let me continue this in part two. Dude, I don't like, I really like where this is going actually so we ended up taking like a half a dozen sea turtle eggs because i'm thinking holy shit how cool would it be to

have a seven foot long turtle in lake lindy fucking david way too in the lake where we live by and uh apparently that's a felony so you, you know, that kind of happened. And, you know, now I'm thinking, fuck, what if the feds are listening? Fuck it, man. They ain't part of the clubhouse. Anyway, they're not part of the Espresso fam, bro. So anyway, that happened. That was the crime.

And yeah, sea turtles don't apparently live in fresh water. So that was the last time the sea turtles don't apparently live in fresh water so that was the last time the sea salt turtles were seen oh yeah that plus just my addiction to coleslaw i'm a slaw slut dude give me a racetrack gas station give me a hamburger from there it's definitely four days old and dry as a rock give me that and some slaw and i love it i love milky boy i love you milky boy oh whoa dude in uh in the live stream we had on sunday and patreon he said he stole a box of coleslaw from a gas station and that is the epitome of this podcast that's what we do but um cringe moment of the week cringe moment of the week uh part two uh one time dude i never paid for food in college like this is this is just on some random shit this has

nothing to do with milky boy's story but i never paid for food in college i would always get it from my dad i'd always get it from like someone else's parents I was not I would get it from school like I just wasn't paying for food I'm still like that today now I buy so much food it's fucked up but um I'm not paying for food in college and I'm like I don't know what I'm gonna eat for dinner and my dad's like you got food that's like my dad's number one question anytime he sees me. He's like, you got food? And I always say no. Even if I have food, I'm like, no.

And then he'll fucking buy like three foot longs from Subway. And I'll just keep them. And I'll just mow one of them down immediately. But he's like, I got some cheeseburgers I made on the George Foreman grill. Like in this Tupperware thing. And I'm like, why the fuck does he have those in his car? Whatever. I'll take them. Cause I didn't give a shit. And I was like, all right, bet. So I've got like five hamburgers for tonight that I'm just going to eat. This is some psycho. And you like, you know, George Foreman food like is

super dry. Like when he said that, that hamburger that at the gas station was hard as a rock these are george foreman dude my dad would press down on that shit you know my dad's my dad's a psycho for like fat contents and food so when he saw the like the grease drips for the first time on the george foreman bro he was like oh yeah so that's disgusting that's his fetish so the the burgers are dry and i'm raised on eating bad food because of like like nutrition my parents were freaks didn't even let me eat like mayonnaise or anything like that so i was just i was like i'll eat kind of anything like if it's like if food's really bad i'm'm like, I don't know, bro. I've been eating shit like this my whole life. Like, it's not bad to me.

Like you could make the worst food for me. And I'd be like, pretty good. You know what I'm talking about? Like you could, it doesn't even matter. Like, I'm just going to have a good attitude about it. Even if it's really bad, it really have to be like a cup of mud. And I'd be like, ah, you could use some, some like ice cream or something, but like, it's, but, uh, so I've, I've got these five hamburgers and I'm like putting so much mustard and ketchup on them cause they're dry. But also I don't give a fuck. I'm like, it's, it's like food. I don't care. And I have this girl over and this is in college and she's like I'm so hungry and I'm like I have these hamburgers and I was like and this is a girl that like kind of didn't give

a shit either so I was like all right she's down for whatever fuck it it'll be easy just like give her one so I was like you want me to like warm it up that's as sexy as it gets for me you want me to like warm it up fuck uh and she was like yeah i don't care and i did and i put ketchup and mustard on it and i was like yeah and i just like forgot that my dad made them on george foreman on the george foreman grill and i i think that she thought that they were from like a restaurant like slider type shit from like, uh, I don't know. Cheeseburger in paradise maybe. And she was like halfway through and she's like, this is fucking disgusting dude.

And I was like, really? Like, that's just how off I am. Like, that's how off my taste buds are. I'll eat anything. And it's kind of a problem.

Cause like when people ask me if the food's good i'm always just like bro i'm my bar is low for food i've been eating nothing my whole life um some so back to milky boy's voice message uh he stole turtle eggs that's so fucked up oh another oh another i'm like outing myself on this podcast i don't really care another crime that i committed that i should have definitely been like arrested for dude me and my friend at this uh this summer camp this is a bad start it sounds bad but we were fishing and I've never fished before. And I didn't know what the fuck was going on. And I was just like, I actually, I don't even know if I'm going to tell this story, dude. All right. This is some like kid shit. All right. So like,

I wasn't all there. We were fishing in every fish we catch. we're just like, and we're just throwing them like on the dock, dude. Cause we don't know. I'm like, put the fish on the dock so they can see how many we caught. And the fish are like almost dying, like flipping around and shit. And I didn't really know. And the camp counselor came back and he's like, bro, what are you guys doing? And we just had, it was me and this dude on a dock fishing with like 43 fish behind us on the dock. Like kind of like alive, kind of dead. And he like just starts like scooting them in the, in the water with his feet. He's like, what the fuck is going on dude?

Just like scooting fish with his feet into the pond. We're like, I don't know. I thought you wanted to like see how much, how many fish we caught. Yeah, that shit was bad. Let's keep going so a crime i committed and got away with so i had hella hit this messy person with my car like i'm talking about homie rolled onto the hood and onto my windshield and off and his bike went flying like five feet so naturally i tried to call the cops on myself and the ambulance because it's not nice to hit people but he refused it and all i had to do was pay him 40 dollars get him a

pack of cigarettes and two four locos gotta love meth people god that's fucking what a deal hold on was he in a car or just the guy got hit? Hell, I hit this messy person with my car. Two Four Locos. Hold on. Cigarettes and two Four Locos. $40. Get him a pack of cigarettes and two Four Locos. Jesus Christ.

That dude is just in Panama City on spring break. $40. Cigarettes and two Four Locos. That was like a couple of people's whole diet on spring break. Every time I drive, I think I hit somebody with my car. Is that normal? Like every single time I get in the car, I'm like, somebody's going to die.

God, what a deal. I love people that are just like, fuck, you hit me? All right. Give me 20 bucks and a pack of baseball cards. I'm like, oh, you're so easy to deal with. Thank you. More people need to be like that, dude. People are fucking idiots.

I'm like, dude, if somebody hit me with their car and I like wasn't really hurt, I would do the same shit. Be like, just give me a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory. Like, we'll call it even because i don't want to like go to court and fill out paperwork and you probably like it kind of it probably felt good you ever feel like getting hit by a car like kind of like in the back in the ass would feel kind of good you're like oh shit right here and then you get it then you get to go to the Cheesecake Factory after that? Deal. I'm taking you to court. I slipped a disc in my back. You start, like, embellishing things.

I'm like, bro, just shut the fuck up. I didn't mean to hit you with my car. Like, can we be real here? If I was going to hit you with my car, I would have fucking obliterated you. Can we be real here? You hit me with your car. Like I just need some like eight, like eight Subway cookies and I'm cool.

Not that big of a deal. Can I have the raspberry cheesecake once? You know what? Tack on two more peanut butter since you hit me twice. Bye. I don't know if this is a crime or not. In high school, at different parties, depending on where it took place, my friends and I thought it would be funny to upper deck the toilets on the upstairs.

Love it. Just like a single toilet. Is that a crime? I think that's's fine that's just a little mischief just a little mischief if you're having a party you gotta understand you can't get mad if you're having a party you can't get mad when party shit happens i had a party and party stuff happened. No shit, dude. You're having a party. Like people are going to be idiots.

And that's, that's, that's like the, that's the trade-off. Like your shit's going to get stolen. People are going to throw up. Like people are going to run off weird places and like break your stuff and like shit in the like dude like come on is it a crime would you eat beforehand but uh yeah that's the best part about parties this shit's gonna get all fucked up and weird and you gotta explain it the next day I had a party at my mom's and and dude all everyone there was just throwing like stuff over the fence like as uh as like I don't know because like like we had a backyard and people were just tossing stuff over the fence like just you name it dude there's probably weird

shit there's probably a hot dog a weird bottle of like mount diet mountain dew one of those long skinny ones i hate those but my neighbor came over the next morning was like dog and i was like oh shit what was in your yard i forgot all about this and he was like just come look bro traffic cones i thought it was gonna be like beer cans like on some rook on some rookie shit the most fried shit back there ever a cell phone i was like the traffic cone had me so fucked up i think there was a fucking an arrow from a bow and arrow i was like what but i was like yeah party shit man i'm really sorry and he's like i get it just clean it up and i was like thank you a traffic cone there's four tennis rackets back there like shit like that i was like what happened somebody's birth certificate

all right let's keep going i don't know if this is a crime or not oh shit same guy okay that's a date i don't know hey thanks for putting the voice messages through the new website too that's next level shit here we go crime you committed but you never got caught for. So I used to be really good at stealing when I was in high school. I would literally go to Hollister and walk out with like four perfumes, clothes, Macy's, stealing makeup. poor perfumes, clothes, Macy's, stealing makeup. Really kind of scary how good I was at it,

that my friends would literally employ me to steal these things. I realized I had a problem, though, when I went to, what's it called? The Michael's craft store. Oh, no. And I was into scrapbooking at this moment. Oh, God. the michaels craft store oh no and i was like into scrapbooking at this moment oh god so i ended up walking out with like five hundred dollars worth of paper so that's when i realized like i might need to stop this this is a ridiculous thing to steal um paper yeah so that's something i was incredibly good at i think i was like like Aladdin in a past life or something because the

the level at which I could steal stuff and I've never ever ever was caught um was was really insane and I always like make friends with the cashier so like I would like be stealing stuff and like talking to everybody you're sick you're my freaking best friend you're sick you got Michael's for 500 why does Michael seem like just such a genuine store, dude? And especially like the coupons they give out. I don't know if you know this. This is some random shit. If you need to buy stuff at Michaels, you can get it for free because of the coupons they have on the internet. I don't know if it's coupons or coupons, so I'm going to say both. I hate words like that. But you got Michaels? I get Hollister.

Who's not stealing from Hollister? Everybody had that friend that was getting Hollister for like 200 bucks every weekend. They had the little magnet that would take the sensors off. Everybody had that friend. You're like, that's sketch, but can you get me a polo? That's sketch, but I need some cargos for spring break. And it's so dark in Hollister. It's like, come on, man.

You're not going to see this shit. And it was so expensive and everybody wanted it. Like, no, my parents were buying me Hollister. We had to get that from the streets. So hood, dude. Most ghetto guy ever. Most hood guy ever stealing Hollllister stuff oh shit but you'd steal perfume oh yeah everybody had a guy that would steal perfume tester bottles too and put them in a

i had a friend that would come to school with a duffel bag full of like cologne and perfume tester bottles and i was like bro like can you just like at this point just get a job you know people that are doing all that reselling shit oh i bought it for three dollars and i flipped it and sold it for 15 i'm like just get a job just get a job that's too much math too much math too much work just get it too much math too much work just get it too much shipping and handling just get a job dude just get a job $500 worth of paper

I know but that shit at Michael's is like can I just steal this it's fucking paint for 13 bucks can I just steal it please please I feel like they'd be like yeah just go all right can you take me higher she said she was she felt like aladdin in a past life

i can show you the world but first i have to steal $500 with a paper And maybe some perfume at a department store That's my grandma's favorite place I have to steal some polos from Hollister It's really dark in there, how are they gonna fucking tell anyway? I steal everything from the mall cause my parents are real

poor a whole new world you walk to your car and you just have all your shit a whole dazzling place in front of you I'll steal anything from anywhere

I'm 16 and I go to a private school Every single person I know. I'm sorry, that's every person I know. Let's keep going. One time I drove all the way from IU to Northern Indianapolis drunk as hell because I got locked out of my sister's house and I had nowhere else to stay this was like at three in the morning too damn it I want to know who that is oh god that's so risky dude drunk as you know when you're drunk and you're like, fuck, I shouldn't even talk.

He was like, I got to go home. Dude, there are some people that are just the people that drive drunk, you know? Oh, my God. What a bunch of soldiers they are. Bless their hearts. Everybody's got the guy. Yeah, I mean, we gotta leave, but... We got fucking Ryan here.

Like, we're leaving. Yeah, we've been drinking, but... Bro, Ryan. And he's always down. Everybody's got one. Everybody's got one of these fucking friends. That's a piece of shit. Ryan. Drunk-ass Ryan. Yeah. He's he's hey you know what he says he's better when he's drunk so like everybody knows him that's a risky dog see

when i have too much to drink i get so tired bro i would fall asleep at the wheel for sure. One time my uncle got arrested or no, I think, I think it's cause I saw him and he's just like an older dude, you know, like a 60 year old uncle. He stopped at a stop sign and he was so tired that he just stayed at the stop sign and fell asleep. And the cops were like,

we're going to, we're thinking about taking him in. And he was like, no, no, he's just tired. they thought he was drunk and she's like no i'm just really sleepy i can relate you ever been so tired you fall asleep at a red light because it's taking way too fucking long i almost set my alarm at red lights 13 seconds bing bing bing okay go like can we know how long they are how how come the government isn't telling us how long red lights are because it's probably an has anybody ever timed a red light bro because i there's one and i know where it is bro and it gets me for like a minute 30 i'm like

it might even be sometimes i'm like i've been here for six minutes you ever been at a red light for so long you put your car in park and you go to the trunk get something out of the trunk and get back in your car you're like you're like doing shit you're like doing household chores at your red light dude i love the guy that gets out of his car at a red light and gets something out of the back like fucking shuts the door real hard but like in his head he's like fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck don't turn green don't agree fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck don't because it's like embarrassing dude because anytime somebody gets out of their car at a red light you're like oh shit what's he getting damn dude i think it's

about to turn green you better hurry you know you like put money down It's like a game In his head He's like don't look stupid Don't look stupid Don't look stupid Don't look stupid It is a nice feeling though When you get out of your car

Get some in your backseat Bring it in the front seat Shut the door Put the car in drive Put your seatbelt on The lights like You're like Sorry ladies Sorry, ladies.

It's always some dumb shit you take out of your trunk, too. A fucking bag full of dirty clothes, and you're like, fuck, I don't want to get this out later, but this red light's taking too long. I'm going to go get it right now. Or when you got to get out of the car and shut a door you either get out of the car open the door and shut it get back in your car or you do it from in your car and you're like you do that weird thing where you got to put your hand like all the way back all awkward in your car and you gotta like so stupid let's keep going uh so back when i was uh 16 i had had my license for about a week um and you know high school we all we all make some questionable decisions well this one was it was up there for sure i uh had had my license i'm pretty confident it was literally like around six days or so. And I had just been loving all the freedom.

So I took my car. I took my car. I feel like this is going to get really bad. On one of the nearby highways. And I'm driving. I'm just having a good time. I may or may not have brought a little weed with me. Now this is a, it was a more discreet form, so there was no smell or anything, but I was definitely high. I should not been, should not have been behind the wheel of a vehicle,

let alone driving the way I was driving. Let me tell you i was driving a hundred miles an hour it was like 10 p.m i was driving a hundred miles an hour weaving through traffic i thought i was playing gta i felt invincible i thought i was playing a video game um and technically i got caught but i didn't get in trouble i got pulled over oh no but uh he was on his way to like some other call and so he just gave me a warning and i got away scot-free yo that that was a good one man the way you led into that voice message was nice but usually when you drive high don't you drive like 12 miles an hour? That's crazy. That cop really did give you a break, dog, because you can smell weed.

You can smell weed, especially cops, dude. They know. But I've done that. but I've done that. It was like, it was in high school and it was like, we're about to grow. Oh my God. We're about to graduate the next day. And we all like smoked. And I was like, you know, I've like, I've hit it before hit it before but like i'll i'll like do it again

whatever like it didn't really do anything dude in this time oh my god i was driving my mom's car and i pulled it and we're all on the same level we're not like being dangerous we're just super like you know and we pulled up at a gas station. We couldn't find, we couldn't get the gas pump in the gas, like thing in her car for maybe 50 minutes. I was like, dude, I just think it's like a, it's like a German made car. Like, I don't really think the American like gas pumps fit in here. Like we're, we're, we're at that point where we where we're like bro we just got to go to a different gas station

and we finally got it in and we were driving like 10 minutes away and it felt like every single red light was just it took 20 minutes to get to every single light it was a it was the craziest thing that's ever happened to me in my life. I don't know what it was, but it was... I mean, we were driving safe, dude. We weren't even listening to music. We were just like... When you can't find the fucking...

You can't put the gas pump in the gas, gas hole, gas tank. It took so long. So long. That's what I'm talking about. Like when people are like, yeah, I like to smoke and go out. Yeah. It makes me more chill. I just smoke and like play basketball.

You know, I can't smoke ever and do anything. I have to smoke and then lay on the floor for 12 hours. Like if I smoke and do anything in daylight, people are like, is he okay? Let's keep going. Now, my friend and I, this was not this past summer, but the summer prior. this was not this past summer, but the summer prior, uh, we were in high school,

super hardworking Kroger employees. I mean, uh, no sober shifts. Shut up. We got just the minimum amount of work done. Uh, we were fucking around the entire time.

It was great. Now, our other thing that made us such hardworking Kroger employees was the amount of theft. There was, that summer in particular, I remember late June, we get towards July, there's fireworks everywhere. fireworks everywhere now the security at this kroger was so bad that every shift we grabbed the hundred dollar boxes of fireworks and just walked out oh my god we had stolen probably a good fifteen hundred dollars worth of fireworks by the fourth of july and granted we could have sold them and got a bunch of money and split it but no what's more fun is a bunch of teenage boys with a lighter and fireworks yes um what wasn't fun

was the second degree burns i had after part of the deal babe part of the deal you still ah fuck he wanted to so bad but but he didn't, steal fireworks from Kroger, and that, that is my style, I'm not a guy that steals and resells, I steal for me, I steal 20,000 fireworks, it's gonna be a wild fucking night, dude, we're lighting all of them, I'm not selling fireworks, dude. We're lighting all of them. Not selling fireworks. Who's buying them? Who's buying this? When I do pranks and

little violations and steal stuff, it's all for me and for nobody else. And everybody's got that job when they're growing up that they just they're just bad people at. The job that you just abuse when you're in high school,

everybody had it. I worked at a retail store in the mall. Yo. Retail's crazy. Retail and restaurant, kind of the same thing. Restaurant's definitely worse, but kind of the same thing. Like if you don't work at retail or a restaurant growing up, you don't know shit. And a restaurant growing up you don't know

shit and for some reason that's all the places i wanted to work i was like it'd be so cool to work at a shoe store in the mall like i looked up to those guys dude those are my role models as a kid i'd walk in the green mall and be like fuck i'm gonna be that guy that works at champs god damn that guy phil lucker's so cool like he just knows everything about shoes that's so lit when he would help me i'd be like oh we got the cool guy that was me i turned into that guy i didn't really abuse anything there but one time uh what i mean it was just me and all my friends that worked at champs and one time our like our stereo system went out or like they weren't

this is the craziest thing to me ever so on christmas eve or no december 23rd the mall in my uh town would stay open 24 hours and i was like that's my dream first of all like when they changed the mall hours to stay open longer. So at Christmas you leave the mall at like 11 PM and shit. Like, that's like, that's cool. It's like being in places that aren't usually open, but they're still open. That's crazy to me. Like, you know, when you go back to your school for like the Christmas program and you're there at like 8 PM, you're like, and everybody's there and they're all wearing like different clothes, dude. I thought that was crazy. that was crazy i was like damn dude really in here

we're really doing this i've never seen her wear shit before you know like you see how your friends look you see it or like i guess it happened in high school too on some weird late night shit there'd be like a oh a dance in high school is wild when they had the dance in the gym you like i can't believe we're at our school right now but that's how it was like the mall was open 24 hours so i was like dude people are gonna be in the mall at 5 a.m 3 a.m and our playlist stopped working like because we kind of played some bangers i worked at champs in the granite park mall talk to me nice so lame i worked at champs in the granite park mall and uh it was the best job i've ever had dude it was so it was so cool you get to wear whatever shoes cargo shorts

and just like a like a like almost like a jersey type thing over the top like you know how basketball players have their jerseys on and then during warm-ups they have like a warm-up shirt on over the top that's what we had I was like this is cool as fuck when I got that job dude it was like I got drafted into the NFL the boss called me he's like hey how do you feel about working a shift at Champs tomorrow? And I was like, oh, my God. I felt like I was on camera and shit. I was kissing my friends next to me.

I called my dad after. He was like, dude, hey, it's not the Lions. It's Brian from the Greenwood Park Mall. Like, chill, bro. I was like, yeah, like like that was my dream uh but our playlist stopped working and it was december 23rd and we were open 24 hours so we in pandora was lit at that point in time so i was like and like the manager wasn't there because he was he was like with his family or something and we had like some a couple like general manager people.

I don't know how the fuck you, whatever. But they were like in charge, but not in charge, in charge. But they had like the late shift. And I was like, yo, you care if I throw something on Pandora? And we were just banging Rick Ross. And like, you know, they throw in like other songs too on Pandora, like that match Rick Ross. So like there'd be a little, there'd be some Lil Wayne.

There'd be like some Young Jeezy and shit. Oh my God. It was, it was, it was, might've been the best night of my life. People would come in and be like. Oh, dude, just, it was crazy. And yeah, we just play pranks on each other in there that was fun too like like you know like there's little things like you know the shoe on the wall in a shoe store has like the shoe form in it it's called a shoe form can't tell if i worked in retail or not

but you put it in the shoe so it like makes it look like you know your shoes look like this, but you put the shoe form in and it's like, fuck in the shoe. There'd be like a big box of shoe forms in there. And my friend was like, yo, I need a shoe form for that. Like air force one on the wall. Can you grab one real quick? And I was like, yeah, yeah. And I went back in the back and there's a box of shoe forms and I got the shoe form and just put the whole thing in my ass and I gave him the shoe form and I was like yo does that smell weird to you like I got it from the box with all of them he was like what the fuck and I to this day I was like I just don't know what I don't know what it was, man, but put it in there, I guess. He was like putting it on his nose and shit, dude.

Just work ass all over. It felt kind of good, too. When it was in my butt, I was like, ooh,'s like smooth and like kind of cold and now it's on my co-employees face let's keep going oh I've got another really good one for you I know I've done like three of these but this one oh man so uh my god I love how into it he is friend and i we were leaving our usual smoke spot and um he was driving we gotta go down this long ass gravel road this dumb ass was driving like 60 i was like hey you should maybe dial it back a little bit he was like no it's cool all right i'm not driving so there's nothing i can do here yeah uh we hit a bump and and we come down and all of a sudden we just like lose traction. The car starts barrel rolling.

We're going 60, windows down, no seatbelt on. This guy has a dab pen in one hand, steering wheel in the other. We are barrel rolling. No way. We're going into a ditch full of sharp rocks at the bottom no off the side of the road it was insane we were upside down he i remember he literally sat there for a second he just goes oh shit that was his entire reaction so we get out and he grabs he's got an eighth of weed in the trunk and he goes and hides it under a boulder like a good like 20 yards away nice and we walked back to his house

and we never got caught we went back we found the dab pen we found the eighth of weed and we were good i'll send you a picture of the car if you want. It was bad. Yo, I need that picture. How come for some reason I've always wanted to barrel roll in a car? It looks kind of like fun. You got your seatbelt on. It never collapses. And just to land upright.

Probably because I've seen that Ace Ventura video, you know. Where it's like perfect. And he's like, like a glove. That is like the, I think that is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. You know, you got, you just got one thing that you're like, all right, that's the funniest thing I've ever seen. When he fucks around, barrel rolls that Jeep Wrangler in the parking lot and lands it perfectly in the spot and gets out.

He's like, Oh my God. Like, funny, hands down. Fun. The funniest thing I've ever seen. Everybody's got,

and you can disagree, but like, that's just my, like, that's fucking hilarious to me. That's my sense of humor in, in 30 seconds or whatever, however long it took. That might be a good question. What's the thing that you think is the funniest thing ever?

That is, I, I will, I will, like, I saw that. I like, I think I was watching that on a plane and I think I rewound it like 26 times. Yeah. Jesus Christ, so stupid. Also, funniest thing I've ever seen in my life when, I think it's on Billy Madison, obviously, because that's like my sense of humor. You guys get it? But if that's not your sense of humor like what if you're not laughing at that

i don't even think i want to talk to you but when that dog's on tv and he's like speak for yourself moron and then it cuts back to adam sandler he's like that's the funniest shit i've ever seen in my he goes oh my god that is funny all right that's another thing. Okay, shut up. I'm going to stop talking about movies because no one knows what I'm talking about. But those are the two funniest things

I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, dude, I need the picture of the car. Send that in. Send that in. I need like a, oh, I guess you could send in, I have an email address for this podcast. I have no idea what it is.

But I'll... And you guys could send... Do it on Patreon. Send that pic on Patreon. But first you gotta subscribe for $5. Every month. Yeah, dude. That's a nice story.

And I hate people that are like, I'm glad you're safe. I'm glad you're healthy. I'm glad there are no scratches or cut and you get it. Got out alive. Like, nah, bro, you knew what you're getting into lit that you, uh, went back and got the, got the weed though under the rock that made me think like you ever find like like a weird like alcohol or like weed or like something weird in a weird spot it's because somebody had to stash it because they're getting in trouble like one time our whole entire football football team we were poor

and our fresh like we're all 15 years old our freshman team and the the varsity practice at the high school we had to take a bus to a park and practice at the at the public park it was just the worst shit ever like it was hot dude we were on a school bus like after school like so cheap and like there'd be people playing like soccer at the park while we were playing football like organized team football at the park there'd just be random people there and shit we pulled up one saturday morning dude one saturday morning if you know you know and on the side of this porta potty was just the pinkest dildo. Like how much better does it get to a bunch of 15 year old dudes that don't

want to be at practice on a Saturday morning? And there's a pink dildo and we're 15. Like bro, even the coach was like, all right, like, all right, that's funny.

But somebody had to stash and dash, babe. Let's keep going. I love this question. Thank you, fam. Yes. And like, yeah, we're not going to get in trouble for this. So don't worry about it. And like, yeah, we're not going to get in trouble for this.

So don't worry about it. First off, if the feds are out there watching or listening. See? I had no intentions of committing a crime. Like we don't know who this is too. So I was asked to do a job called package forwarding which itself is legal basically it involves international shipments and you know once they get here they often rely on people to forward them from there and it was supposed to pay weekly and i got all these like weird ass packages and i was supposed to check them and it was all like mostly clothing and like some electronics

and i'd take pictures of them and you know they all like to be in their original packages they look like normal packages and i just had these you, delivery slips that I had to put on there and, you know, off, off we go. And they were calling me every day. And then suddenly one day, this website stopped working where I got the work from the number didn't work anymore. to work from the number didn't work anymore and so i got scammed but i did get two more packages i got a gopro and i got a drone thanks bet i fucking sold that shit and i damn it what is there more oh yeah okay hold on see i would have kept it i'm a bitch who keeps stuff i don't like selling stuff

there's that was a dad ass cough but there's more to this voice message here we go i might have accidentally sent half of the message, so I don't want to repeat all of it. I'll just say I briefly did this job called package forwarding. Oh, yeah, run it back. That's exactly what it sounds like. And at the end of one week of doing this, their website stopped working.

Their phone number stopped working nice you're in the clear and i had no money but i did have two more packages come and i had nothing to do with them so i fucking sold them it was like a drone and a go, and I got a little bit of money for them. So it actually kind of worked out. I bet you got like seven. There could have been drugs in it. I have no clue. I mean, at minimum, they committed a crime against me and didn't give me any money.

True. But I mean, I literally don't know what was in them. I looked. I mean, they looked like they were in their packages, but I guess technically literally don't know what was in them. I looked. I mean, they looked like they were in their packages, but I guess technically I don't know. So I might have sent drugs accidentally without knowing it, and I might have sold them accidentally without knowing it. So, yeah, beware of a job called package forwarding

because it's not like the kind I used to do in college. Stop. This guy. This guy. Hey, for those who haven't been listening, at the end of every voice message, my homie here hits a Johnson line. And if you know anything about my dumb ass, that's some content I do.

There's a character named Johnson who's always drunk and makes stupid jokes, stupid dad jokes, but are ironically kind of funny. No girls think it is, but every dude does. no one no girls think it is but every dude does and uh yeah so some people say those at the end of voice messages and we'll just be like this guy if you've never listened to this podcast before and chances are you you you do so bro for a while people would come up to me and just be like this guy that shit was so crazy it would never be a girl though girls don't understand like we know it's not funny we know it's not funny but it's that everyone knows that guy that's like oh yeah you heard of uh packet forwarding all All right, here we go. Okay, so in high school, me and my friends were quite literally little teeny bopper delinquents.

And we would go around people's houses like really late at night to see what garages were left open. And sometimes these garages were like only slightly left open. I assume for like their cat or something. But anyways, we would literally crawl underneath their garage doors, check their fridges. Crazy. You little rats.

They had any alcohol that we could steal. So yeah, I have probably done that countless times. And to this day I've never been caught. So yeah, she's still doing it bro garage hopping my dumb ass i think i told this story on these guys podcasts with me and joey molinaro drops every tuesday but um we i garage hop my neighbor and it wasn't even like it wasn't even legit

like he was like yo we got a bunch of we gotta we were we were seniors in high school and we like can't drink obviously my neighbor's having a party and we're like he's cool so we're like chilling and we're like maybe we can and the party's over and we're still up and we go in his garage we take his beer and i'm like he won't care like we'll just whatever like that's my dog And then obviously it was us. And I'm thinking like, we'll just take like eight, you know, eight. He probably won't even notice. We'll just take eight.

And this cooler's packed. Bro, and we just have a good time, whatever. Next day, rolls around. He knocks on the door he's like dog you guys drank all of the beer in the cooler i know it's you and i was like yeah and i was like how many we take like 10 there's only like four of us here bro we drank 80 beers and this is the worst part guy who's been sick for three weeks we threw like i i didn't know what to do with the beer bottles so we like my dumb ass i threw them all in our neighborhood pond i was like because who's gonna know like i would drink a beer and throw

it 60 yards in the air and it would just land in a pond. I'd be like, yep, got another one. And it started to like become a game. And it was just the funnest thing we've ever done. And the next morning neighbors mad at me. I own like $300 in beer. and I look in the pond and all the bottles are just fucking floating at the top. You can just see 80 beer bottles in a pond. I'm like, and eventually they just like sank down to the bottom. But I did, I was like, I was, I was like on eBay looking for like scuba suits. Cause I was going to go in there and get all the bottles because I was so scared. God, that won't stop overreacting.

All right. God, I'm dumb. That's it, dude. The crime you committed that you should have been caught for but weren't. You guys are crazy. I love that. I love that question.

Wait. Hold on. I thought of a couple different ones. Espresso question of the week. Possibly. And you ever clear your throat like that? Me neither. Guy who's been sick for four weeks.

Have you. Ever. Been scammed how what's the funniest thing to you ever like a glove funniest thing ever don't know why it just is uh dear diary i like i'm starting to like we got some segments dude dear diary and this is when i tell you some stupid shit i did um actually first let's do this show Show and tell. Did you guys see this shit? Dear Diary, I went to the CW's FY Island season premiere.

In cringe moment of the week. I don't know why I thought this. I don't think this looks bad. Am I tripping? Bro, I thought this was the fit i was like yo i'm sad dude i did i i when i tell you i've been saving that polo for a year for something and it was this look how bad this picture is. Like my first Getty Images picture. And it looks like I have a condition. Cringe moment of the week.

I don't know how to take pictures. And I didn't think that fit was that bad. I'll fight for that fit to this day. But Jesus Christ. Show and tell that was my outfit. Why'd I go to the premiere? Because they invited me. And I've been getting shows and doing shows and coming out to LA.

And I'm like, why wouldn't I go? Why wouldn't I go to that? But boy. And there was a lot of people there that I didn't expect to be there. And it was extremely overwhelming. Holy shit. Nikki Glazer was there. Louise Bernard was there.

All the boys from the past seasons. I'm like, you guys know everything about me. All the producers. I was like, yo. Because it's weird on reality tv you just like tell them everything you have to you can't beat around the bush and it's like this it's an interview like this and they'll just ask you like some real shit about your life and you got to be like well i mean i'm here so like i'll just tell you they know everything and i'm not a person that can like

hide stuff i don't know why but i was just like, all right, fucking I'm, I'm sending, uh, cringe. I know there's been like 15 cringe moment of the weeks, but I kind of can't think we, I don't think we can get enough of cringe moment of the week. It's kind of it.

Is that the airport come to LA? And I thought I was smart. And I was like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to mobile. There's a huge line at Starbucks. And I was like, I'm going to mobile order Starbucks at the airport.

This is some territory I've never stepped in. Like I'll mobile order, but to a normal Starbucks, I'll do that. And I'll do it to the one that I live on top of, because like, I just know what's going down there. Like if it doesn't show up

I think it's kind of a liability to mobile order because I'm like something's gonna happen but if it does if the if the coffee doesn't show up in mobile order I can to the Starbucks downstairs I can be like yeah come on you guys know me come on and they can like hook it up so I did it at the airport and I was like this line is too long I'm gonna mobile order and see what's up and the first thing that came to my phone was like terminal a starbucks i was like this has to be it boom order everything to venti is my starbucks order when i'm yeah, two Venti Pike Place with light ice in each because the coffee's too hot. The coffee's too hot. Starbucks coffee. Who's drinking? Who can drink that off the rip? You have to wait till Thursday to drink it. So I'm like, throw some ice in there so I can drink the coffee. What are we doing? Then I'm like, some ice in there so I can drink the coffee what are we doing

then I'm like I'm starving I've been eating all night two breakfast sandwiches I think I got the impossible uh no I got the turkey Canadian bacon one it's pretty good you guys know what I'm talking about Starbucks food is like gross but it's good it feels like it was made from a 3d printer but I'm like all right I'm still gonna smash order two of those and at one point I had I was eating only Starbucks food in my life for maybe a week um and I see this lady who's like kind of like frantically like looking like she's a newbie with a mobile order too and she's like oh shit she's like kind of like where's my stuff she's like big mom big mom type big big mom vibes like oh my god like like kind of a Karen a little bit

and I'm sitting back chilling I got my coffees waiting for my sandwiches. And they slide two little crispy bags up there. And this mom just straight swipes my food. I know it was mine. I got got at Starbucks by a mom. And I'm not the guy. I'm not the guy that's going to be like, hey, you took my. Because I'll do that. And it won't be my shit. And I'll look the guy that's going to be like, hey, you took my... Because I'll do that and it won't be my shit. And I'll look like an idiot.

But I didn't confront her. I was just like... Take it. Even though it says Benedict on there. Get out of here. And I didn't say shit to her. I was just like just go and then guess this is this is the this is the cherry on top i order two more two more breakfast sandwiches at starbucks because i'm like whatever gotta take the l

suck it up still starving order two more sandwiches or I'm to a wrong location. Ordering them to the Starbucks on South port road. I was like, what the fuck? So then I was like, I don't deserve any food. I'm an idiot. Cringe moment of the week.

All right, let's do days of the week and then we can go off. Oh my God, dude. new podcast room how are we feeling about it i can jazz it up a little bit but um yeah we'll figure it out put a plant back there you know maybe i take the green like moss from my wall and put it back there just saying if you have ideas let me know in the comments what should i do this podcast room thursday national kentucky day oh i got one for this one time i did a show in louisville

lolville i don't know how to say it i just say it like it's spelled babe i did a show in lulville and i have this joke about midwestern girls and i thought that kentucky was in the midwest the whole time i was saying the joke and this was for five shows like didn't learn from my mistakes for four and four entire shows and every time i was like why is this joke not fucking working it usually like does okay at the least i was like because we're in the midwest right you know i mean like on stage so cringy not in the midwest wow i'm an idiot. National Seafood Day. I'll eat the shit out of some salmon.

I had airport salmon. There's a slapfish at LAX. I don't know why. Maybe I'm the only one that does this, but when I order food and it has salmon, it's like a salmon salad. I'm like, I need triple salmon. How come no one's like a salmon salad I'm like I need triple salmon how come no one's like just give me the food everything's so dainty I'm like I need double every every single meat and chicken and fish I need triple and double like I'm I'm hungry as

fuck imagine just getting a salad with the amount of chicken that just comes on it I'd be like alright and thanks for the snack Friday National Chicken and Waffles Day I think that's one of those weird things

that was like an accident and it ended up being good cause who's like I'd put chicken on these waffles it just doesn't seem it seems like a very high idea or someone just accidentally dropped some chicken on some waffles and they're like oh fuck i got a like a like a waitress or a server back in the day some guy had waffles and one guy had chicken and she like they fell off the plate and the guy was like i'll eat it and then it ended up being a whole entire movement i've just never been that hungry for it i'm like i need one or the other not both like one time we went to a mexican seafood restaurant and i was like

i like mexican food and seafood but not together that's what i feel about those youth confidence day national youth confidence day you know how much i had zero confidence ever as a youth. Dude, how embarrassing was it just going to school when you're a kid? I was so embarrassed every day, dude. The most embarrassed ever. What's it going to be today? Every time I walked into school, I kind of forget now,

but what's it going to be today? Walk in the door, fourth grade. What's it going to be today? What what are you guys gonna get me for today dude can i just live my life everybody was frying my ass i was like can i do anything can i do anything can i i can't spike my hair is that spiking my hair is in officially it's in the boy the boy bands do it the cool people on tv do i can't i spike my hair bro just an uproar no confidence get smart about credit day i'll never be smart about credit. I have no idea what's happening. I'm just like, if I have enough money,

I'm going to have enough money. That's my credit thing. Like if I had a financial advisor, they'd be like, what? I'm like, dude, like, as long as I have enough money, then I have enough money is my thing.

It's not going to be much. It might be sometimes. It might not be at all sometimes. But like, as long as I have enough money in my shit, then I'm just going to buy stuff. And then I'm going to figure out a way to get more. I don't know. He's going to die in one day. Saturday. Saturday.

Whole hog barbecue day. Whole hog barbecue day. Can't talk. I was invited to a hog roast one time, and I was like, I feel like that's against my religion or something. That just seems unethical. You ever see those guys peeling a lizard on Twitter

and they grill it and eat it? I'm like, are you allowed to do that? Some of those people that eat crocodiles, I'm like, I don't really think that's allowed at all. You can just kill any animal and eat it. They're like, crocodile tastes good. It's that sweet meat. I'm like, oh, have you seen it?

Like you ever see a chicken, you see a chicken, you're like, I'm eating that. You know, a chicken looks like, that looks like something you could eat. This is getting weird but a crocodile fucking ew but you see a chicken big ass chest. I'm like, yeah, who's not eating that thing?

But a crocodile? I'm like, you're going to eat the devil? Weird. Don't get it. Pumpkin cheesecake day. Oh. I love pumpkin shit, but my dad ruined pumpkin cheesecake for me.

Because every single, every single Thanksgiving when I was growing up, my dad thought it was so baller to buy an entire pumpkin cheesecake from Olive Garden and bring it to my grandma's house. And he'd like gas it up and we're like, like he made it. Every single year, hey, got the pumpkin cheesecake in the trunk, B. I'd be like, I don't give a fuck. I don't care. And then like during Thanksgiving, he'd like pitch it.

He'd be like, you get some of that pumpkin cheesecake. I'd be like, you didn't invent it. Stop acting like you invented pumpkin cheesecake and you're definitely not the first person to know about it either he's like get you a slice of that i'm like you you have nothing to do with it you just brought you just pay you overpaid for it and you brought party but god damn that shit slaps the way to have that in my mouth right now pumpkin cheesecake i think i'd have a seizure you ever eat something that's so good you're like damn i haven't had like i haven't lived in a while like one time i went to dare like i was in college for football and we were

like training real hard and shit and we were doing two days and i was just eating chicken every day and just like the the plainest beigest things and one day my friend like from another like came in town and he's like yo let's go to dairy queen and i was like all right go to Dairy Queen I get this dude I ate the blizzard and I like got tingles in my back and shit and I was like I don't live I need to live a little bit more you know you ever have one of those experiences that's what if I ate pumpkin cheesecake right now I'd get the tingles your boy would get cold Sunday National Make a Dog's Day. Dogs do some crazy shit and we always just let it slide. And I get it, they're cute, but sometimes just...

I hate it when a dog does something stupid and ruins something and eats something and just destroys a house or a kitchen. You ever see those videos on the internet where a dog just like rips up a whole entire couch and it's just fucked and there's like pudding everywhere and the owner's like oh i'm like no no like like discipline the dog i don't know how, but like, that's not cute. No, my, no, oh my God, he looks so sad. I'm like, dude, that dog's kind of a piece of shit right now. Don't be all happy with him. But he is still kind of cute.

Nut day. Sunday nut day. Fuck. Don't let me be around a bowl of nuts i'll go off a bowl of nuts give me a bowl of nuts in one hour bye i don't even care what nuts they are dude nuts are all so goddamn good well every nut can go every nut can get it give me a bowl of nuts in one hour ta-ta for now gone every single i've never had a bad nut all right that's it, yo.

I got a show tonight at the Hollywood Improv. You guys should slide if you're in LA. I'll post it on my Instagram. New podcast set up. Kind of nervous, but we did our thing. Love you, fam. Thank you for the voice messages. You guys are

always the best they were slapping this week they always do um yeah leave a comment on youtube leave a rating review on apple pods and the next episode of espresso will be on patreon only so pay five, get on the Patreon, get a live stream every Sunday. It's fam shit now, babe. You got to join the fam. It's a kiss club. There's only one rule.

We kiss each other every day. So, and we kiss me every day. We kiss me every day, obviously. I mean, that's just good. It's a blanket statement. Like everyone's got one rule and it's kiss me every day that's how it should be so um thank you guys so much i love you and i'll see you next time fuck