Espresso - cringiest things

Episode Date: March 18, 2021

FAM! on this shot Ben breaks down the cringiest things you did when you were younger (like put rocks in your mouth so your brother thinks you're cool....lol) he decides that if you and anyone else has seen the Princess Bride you immediately kiss, he creates a new olympic sport, talks about the time he almost got henna tattoos and tells a story about the held back kid who was the best kickball player IN THE WORLD. Ben also teaches a How To Talk Hot 101 course, realizes guys proposing is so gd funny and he offers advice on how to reply when someone says sorry oh yeah he goes #ViViViViral and does #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😎 𝘿𝙈 𝙤𝙧 𝙏𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝘼𝙉𝙔 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙙 ! (@benedictpolizzi) →→→ 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄! 𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝗲𝗻!: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave One Media. If you want to start your own show... Show? Show, show, show, show. Visit thewaveone.com Huh? D-J-A-N-G-O The D is silent.

Espresso, but there's no X in it, so stop saying it like that yeah okay now 150 kind of nifty i'm going commando in the studio 150 yeah 150 shots, blood clots, that's all I get when I eat rocks, stuff socks in my bra, make my titties tall What's up? What's up, Espresso's? Oh Shot 150 what's up what's up espressos oh shot 150 dude this means i've done 50 shots by my 50 podcasts by myself if you listen since shot 100 dude you know everything about my life, honestly. You do! If you listen to all 50 of these shots, you know more about my dad than probably, like,

my family does. Oh, shit. No, it's been so fun, man. I love doing this podcast. Tell the homies and tings to subscribe, rate, and review to the Expresso Podcast. to the Expresso Podcast. To the Expresso Podcast.

I hate people that say that shit. Expresso? God damn it, dude. Expresso. Expresso? One thing that somebody says will turn me off to a whole conversation

dude i hate enduring that my boss at work you know you try like even if you don't care what your boss at work is saying he's still like kind of you try your hardest to like pay attention to him and shit because you're like ah you know i gotta be nice to him i can't like treat him just like you know someone one of my homies would be like, no, I didn't see that goddamn movie. He was talking to me. He was like, Hey, have you ever seen the nutty professor? And I was like, no. And he's like, you haven't seen the nutty professor. And I was like, he's like, aren't you a comedian? And I was like, I just don't, it's a long story. I just don't have time for movies. I just don't care about him. But I was like, no, I don't think.

And he started, he's like, it's with him and him. And he plays like a bunch of different characters. And then like I did, I did the line where I just didn't want him to feel bad. And I didn't, I like, I wanted to keep talking to him. I did one of these. I go, you know, maybe I have seen that, but my face just looked like, please stop. And I was hoping he would just, you know, when somebody's like, have I have seen that. But my face just looked like, please stop. And I was hoping he would just, you know, when somebody's like,

have you ever seen that movie? And you're like, no. And they're like, ah, well, it's really funny. You should watch it sometime. When people do that, I just want to kiss them on the fucking forehead.

I love you, good sir. Now get the fuck out of here. And sent them on their way. Slapped their ass on the way out. Good job. No, but my boss played it wrong. He's like, you ever seen the nutty professor? And I was like, uh, no, you never seen the nutty professor. I'm like, dude, I've seen like four movies. And he's like, oh, well, okay. There's this one part. And I'm like, oh my God. there's this one part and I'm like oh my god oh there we go

how am I gonna how am I gonna pull this one off like dude like you're gonna do it any justice it could be the funniest scene in cinema and if you try to explain it to somebody like it's only gonna be worse like how are you gonna make it better and then

and then and he says fuck off it's the golden rule of this podcast just don't talk about movies that's the golden rule of this podcast you can talk about movies with somebody who's watched the movie if you're asking somebody if they've seen a movie and the other person says no the fuck you just turn right the fuck around. I watched so few movies that if you ask me if I've seen a movie and I've actually seen it, we don't even talk about the movie. We just start making out.

Hey, have you seen Rocky IV? Then we just walk separate ways. Hey, have you seen Avengers? Yeah, I actually have. Actually, yeah. Have you, for some reason, seen Land Before Time? Even if you've seen like half of a movie and fell asleep, have you reluctantly seen the notebook? Uh, pretty sure the weirdest movies. This is off the wall, but have you seen the princess bride? my uncle bought that for us so yeah princess bride though hey who hasn't seen it how have i seen princess bride and why was that

why did that change cinema for me forever what the hell was that movie and why did I why did we own it god that was so weird princess bride when they got in that sword fight dude the next day I was like I kind of want a machete how am I gonna pull this off I want to learn how to sword fight I was like learning uh learning like uh what's that what's uh fencing fencing that's a sport can you imagine that what if it just was real swords now who's not watching that dude if fencing in the olympics was like a real thing die for our country put your life on the line for our country. How sick would it be to be like the best sword fighter in the US? Number one gold medal sword fighting.

Fencing's so lame. They have to like wear like a beekeeper uniform and poke each other with like those sticks that are on your blinds. That's so lame. Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up, girl? You want to come to my fencing competition? Like, you can't be hot. Hey, you want to come to my

fencing competition? Get you front row seats. I'll poke somebody so hard a little sound will go off. Fencing. Shot 150. What's up? Shows were good in Dayton last weekend. Thanks for coming out, everybody. It was fun. Got more shows coming up. Dude, comedy Thanks for coming out, everybody. It was fun. Got more shows coming up. Dude, comedy's kind of popping off again. It's going to be a good time.

I'll keep you guys posted on Instagram. Remember to follow on IG, Twitter, TikTok, Cameo, all that Benedict Polizzi. Get a Cameo. You know? Why not? It'd be fun. Y'all done here. What's good?

There's a time change over the weekend. If you're affected by the time change, you need to get out more. Oh my God. Lost an hour. Had zero idea there was a time change. I'm the psycho that has to change his like stove clock and microwave clock at the same time you know it's like 11 42 on one 11 46 on the other one you're like god damn it I'll like sit there waiting for both to change for like 25 minutes like with my finger on the stove button and my finger on the microwave button I'm like okay okay okay, okay, okay, okay. Beep! At the same time. I got it so good one time, bro. Oh my, every time I looked at the stove in the microwave, I was like,

that's my work. Yeah, uh-huh. You see what time it is. Mm. Mm-mm-mm. Did you see him change at the same time? Yeah. I've been down here putting in fucking time, mom. My biggest contribution to like being a kid in our house.

He'll dust every once in a while, but when that fucking clock changes, get ready. Because he's got his shit together. St. Patrick's Day. Do we care? Do we care? Do we care? Do we care? No. It's fun.'s fun whatever dude people get fucked up on saint

patrick's day like nobody's really getting fucked up on like cinco de mayo you know it's just kind of like saint patrick's day is like 10 a.m to fucking sundown damn St. Paddy's kiss me I'm Irish kiss me I'm Irish how about just kiss me kiss me I'm boring that's what it should be kiss me I got nothing to do

kiss me I'm Irish kiss me I'm kinda lame kiss me I'm wearing four leaf clovers sunglasses, I'm Irish. Kiss me, I'm kind of lame. Kiss me, I'm wearing four-leaf clovers, sunglasses, and I'm embarrassed about it. Until I drink. It's cool. Irish people take that shit way too seriously, though. On St. Patrick's Day, they're like, yeah, this is, like,

why is every Irish family like, oh my god. They, like, have, like, a scheduled bar crawl family times. Every Irish family, like, oh my God. They have a scheduled bar crawl family times. Every Irish family on St. Patrick's Day is super overboard with the shits. They're wearing leprechaun costumes and shit. 10 a.m., alarm clock goes off. First thing we do, eat Lucky Charms. Uh-huh.

Yep. And then we get completely wasted and go to every bar downtown and get in 14 fights. And we just kiss each other the whole time. This is a podcast that's only about kissing. What's this podcast about kissing? Alright, so the question was

Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. Somebody told me to call her daddy. All right. So the question was... Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. Somebody told me the Call Her Daddy podcast. Alex Cooper does the same exact shit as me. And I don't know if I subliminally copied her or did I start doing it before her. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. Question of the week. Week.

Week. We're real homies I'm friends with people for a lot of reasons But we're actually real homies You can stay at my dad's house type shit Friends If you make yourself echo on occasion All my real friends do that They're like hey what's up

Oh shit That's how I know I'm really friends with you If you make yourself echo in certain situations Oh shit. That's how I know I'm really friends with you. If you make yourself echo in certain situations. Like hey are you hungry? Hungry. Why does that shit go so hard? Or like if you're saying something you said earlier in the day. That ironically didn't happen.

Like I think I'll remember my wallet. Wallet. earlier in the day that ironically didn't happen. I think I'll remember my wallet, wallet, wallet, wallet. Did he do it, do it, do it? Did he lock the door on the way out? Did he do it, do it, do it, do it? Self-echo type shit. You know who you are. Yeah.

Yep. That's the hardest. Does he self-echo or nah nah get you a guy that can do both okay i'm pulling it up just chill out motherfuckers motherfuckers quick little quick question of the week go it fuck it I don't care yeah all right so the question was what's something really cringy you did back when you were younger and for me

I said it on the story on my Instagram story I used to shave my Sideburns into ice picks Which is when your sideburns come down to a point Like your Cisco Or Meek Mill Like when he was like 12 But I thought that shit was so hard I don't know why I don't know why

It just looked tight But the cringy part was Doing it when like doing it when you're fresh like it looks way better but i would do it like three weeks after a haircut and be like yes that looks good right it's so beach grove but it just looked cool to me i thought and looking back at it i'm like damn nobody really said anything that's concerning like even my mom and dad were like yeah he's just got ice picks like on easter he's just like rocking ice picks in the living room with with the family really close to putting a slice in my eyebrow i was that guy i'm that guy

that will do every single thing like that. Is that annoying as fuck? You better believe it. Yep. No, but like blonde tips, I swear to God, I beg my, I actually, I knew my mom wasn't going to let me have those so bad. I don't think I even asked. I might've brought it up like, Hey, do you think that looks good on somebody? And she would have been like, she was probably like, no, ew, gross. Oh, my sisters would have beat my fucking ass if I came up with blonde tips, even though I wanted them so goddamn bad. When Joey Fatone had the red ones,

I was like, why you want to try to classify the type of things we do? Nah, but when he came out with the red, red frosted tips, just like eight of them we do. Nah, but when he came out with the red frosted tips, just like eight of them, I was like, okay. Change the game, Joey Fat One.

What's this podcast about? Kissing and Joey Fatone. Who's not listening? And Mark McGuire. Why you want to try to classify the type of things that we do? Yeah, but those went hard. Alright, let's see what the fam said. Cringy things you did when you were younger.

Dude, this sucks, but I cut one of my friend's hair and I fucked it up so bad. He goes, this is McKenna K71, one of my college teammates. I always used to cut people's hair before games and stuff just because it was fun. Went to the chop shop. That's what I called my self-made barbershop. For the racing stripe haircut. Got a rectangle block instead of a stripe.

Had to meet the ex's family that next weekend yeah i've never felt worse in my life i try to like put those like you know you like put those lines in somebody's hair like uh who had them like uh drake does it drake has a heart in his right now but i like put those lines i was good at doing it and I was like suit feeling super confident and this dude was like yo Can I get two stripes and I was like? Boy you already know and I was like oh Shit, and I tried to fix it And it just like literally like a pink eraser block was in his hair and I was like look start Mmm, and then his roommate was like what the fuck and I was like, oh tight And then his roommate was like

What the fuck? And I was like, oh my god, this is my nightmare Bye, bye It was really fucked up I feel like I owe my life Like if somebody did that to me I would be like so traumatized Cringy things I did when I was younger

Landon Watkins Having a lanyard hanging out of your pockets that's so goddamn true only I wore one around my neck till I was like 24 a Nike one I was like what's up that was such a flex in high school the lanyard like yeah i can drive and i like fucking iowa state yeah i can drive and i like the bears how lame is that dude how guy high school is that what's up uh-huh yeah what's up i got an arizona lanyard because they're my squad and i'll definitely never get recruited by them. But what's up? Your parents out of town this weekend? Dude. Lanyards. I saw a lanyard kiosk at the mall

and I was like drawn to it like a magnet. I had to keep walking straight. I was like... I was like drooling and shit trying not to look at it. My eyes were like... Look at it. In my brain. Look at it. Look, were like, look at it. In my brain.

Look at it. Look, touch him. Touch him. I know you want one. I know you want one. Sweating and shit. Right when I pass it, I'm like, oh! Are you okay, mall security?

Are you okay, sir? Is everything okay? You were shaking and drool was coming out of your mouth back there. And you were dragging your feet. And the front of your pants are all wet. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I just saw... Just saw something.

I'm good. I'm good. Saw a couple neon green St. Louis Cardinals lanyards Oh shit That literally That was like What made me want to drive a car That's how real lanyards were though

I was like Damn I definitely want to get my license and drive around And have a car but I kind of only want to do it so I can wear a fucking Nike lanyard That nobody else has and like swinging it how camp counselors it's like swing a lanyard and like, you know the keys you like Alright today we're gonna learn how to canoe Keys on it remote Keys on it. Remote unlock on it.

What's up? Around your neck, dude. How fire was that? My aunt roasted me one time. I went there for Christmas and I had a lanyard on with my keys. I was like, ha, ha, ha. She's like, you look like an old cocker spaniel with a collar on. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. She's like, you look like an old cocker spaniel with a collar on. I was like, Aunt Jill, if you only knew that this lanyard, this dog collar is my entire personality.

Dude, my aunt. You get roasted by my aunt her laugh is satan it's 25 minutes of just sulking while she's having the best time of your life aunt jill yeah lanyards though here we go carly, cringy things you did when you were younger. As a moody tween, I slicked my hair back into a super tight ponytail with half a bottle of hairspray and wore baggy jeans and oversized shirts and now Billie Eilish turned it into an actual accepted dressing trend. Even though I was the fucking og damn that sucks

i do remember that shit though i always thought those kids were so dangerous that were like the big ass jeans growing up i was like oh shit i can't even look my mom's gonna fucking cover my eyes the kid that just looked like the human embodiment of spencer's gifts Oh shit, like I remember seeing people's pockets and I was like you could literally fit a webster's dictionary in that or like a whole notebook in there Kids with the chain that goes from like their belt loop to their pocket a million of those chains Those dudes were scary Kids with the chain that goes from like their belt loop to their pocket a million of those chains Those dudes were scary

Isn't it weird you like think people like that are like intimidating but really like the thing they like is Star Wars You're like, oh my god that guy could probably like cast a spell on me like no he just likes Darth Maul at the mall Darth Maul at the mall. Darth Maul. D-A-R-T-H-M-A-L-L. All those people that dressed all depressed and like emo. Darth Maul. All right. That's so stupid. Here we go. Keeping it hill. Cringy things you did when you were younger. I'm ashamed to admit this I put rocks in my mouth at the playground to get my

older brother's attention while he was ignoring me with his older cooler high school friends rocks in my mouth oh that's fucked up I did the dumbest shit bro that's not that bad ew man I would go to

extreme limits to like, obviously still do, but I would go to extreme limits to like impress a girl or something or make my friends laugh. Just something that I wouldn't like. One time my friend was coming into my apartment that I haven't seen in a while and I was like, yeah, doors unlocked. Just come up. I got completely naked and put ketchup all over my chest and laid on the counter for him to come in. But the thing was, I don't even think he said anything. He was like, yo, what's up? And I was like, damn, now I just smell like ketchup and you weren't even scared.

Fuck. Put rocks in my mouth. One time I was at this festival and I picked up a lemon on the ground and licked it. That's the closest I've ever been to putting rocks in my mouth. The rocks in my mouth keep the crystal cold. Oh my God. Here we go. Cringy things I did when I was younger filthy fan dan posts entire verses of songs as a facebook status in some sort of inner soul searching process that occurred when i was

stressed out yeah that's always so annoying when people that's like the new version of that is like posting like what people are listening to on their stories like they take a screenshot of their apple music or spotify and they're like yes it's like cool damn like i've ever like went to my apple music and added a song like that after anytime somebody asked me to listen to a song i'm like absolutely not what'd you do make the song did you rap in it listen to this bro i'm like i can't physically can't it's literally one tap away and i'm like see i just gotta be in the right mood and it's gotta be the right time it's just that right now like i you know i'm around people i just can't listen to the song right here. You want me to listen to this little baby remix song right here, right here.

When somebody wants you to watch a clip of something on their phone, I'm like, it better be, that's the, if, if you're telling somebody, Hey, watch this on my phone, it has to be seven seconds, any longer than seven seconds. You're allowed to, you're allowed to lick your hand and smack them right across the face. Oh long is this video gonna show me oh okay nine seconds all right come here I deserve it and they just walk away in there like sorry I know sorry City Bunny I love you boy cringiest thing I did when I was younger we're on Twitter now

coker highlighted tips 6th grade went to M&M and bleached the whole thing people still do it though like that's definitely always gonna be I don't even know if that was a Like people my age are dying their hair blonde

And it's like damn I always think it looks good dude still I don't think that looks bad When people dye their hair blonde I'm like it looks tight honestly You know it's just like a little thing they do It's not like it's gonna be like that forever It's just like oh nice little change up right Any person that has

Blonde dreads Come here Will you marry me Guy or girl I'm moving in with you God damn that looks good Boomer Kingsley Cringy stuff you did when you were a kid.

Ying Yang necklace. Had it on my fourth grade school pick, and it was my granddad's favorite school pick of all his grandkids, so I'll never apologize. Ying Yang necklace. Ha! I wasn't really in on necklaces until recently.

They're super poppin' right now. Like, every fucking guy and his friends has a necklace on right now. It's always the guys that, like, don't look like they should has a necklace on right now it's always the guys that like don't look like they should have a necklace too because you can wear them even if you're like not trying to be cool you can be like yes it's like my grandpa's thing it's like doesn't matter two necklaces at once are we in or out Definitely has to be like, you know, one of those days.

Definitely has to be like a day you're going out, you're like day drinking. Two necklaces. Holy shit, I'm going to have two necklaces on like tomorrow. Ryan Fares, cringy stuff you did when you were younger. I don't think I owned a single clothing item that actually fit me till about mid college dude right I'm having that problem right now I'm like none of my pants fit

none like if I'm wearing joggers I gotta like roll them 55 times and my pockets are like the size of like a coin slot in a vending machine I'm like like hey I texted you why don't you text me back I'm like, like, hey, I texted you. Why don't you text me back? I'm like, it's a long story. It was going to take me 25 minutes

to unroll four layers of my pants to get my phone out of my pocket. Sorry, man. I'd rather just scream it to you. I'll be down there in five minutes! My shorts? Dude! My shorts. Dude, my shorts. Holy shit.

I was the kid who had the biggest fucking shorts of all time. Biggest of all time. Now I have the short... Well, they're not that short. They're just like, yeah. I can't believe my mom let me do that. Like, damn. Like, your shorts are big as fuck.

Like nobody said anything. You know, like a mom that doesn't have an opinion. Like, yeah, that was in style, big shorts. But like mine were like, yo, bro, you have an issue. Is there someone in there? They looked like I was wearing like a grade school girl's like flannel skirt. Showing up to like a basketball game. I'm like'm like what's up just got a big ass skirt on hi who's got next plaid skirt on shirt off plaid skirt check it up craig city cringy stuff you did when you were a kid? Probably that I wore potholder things around my neck.

Potholder things. That doesn't make sense. Oh, the choker thing? Oh my god. I thought it was so cool one year on spring break we had like room keys to our hotels and stuff. But like keys on like a stretchy like stretchy

wire thing. You like put it around your wrist and stuff. But I stretch it out and I put it around my neck. Dude, the cringiest thing I didn't do, and I'm so glad, was get henna tattoos on spring break. I honestly can't believe I didn't do that. Oh, dude, when people were getting those, it was kind of hard. Like, if you got a good henna tattoo on spring break, it was like, fuck. Polos on spring break. I guess those are still kind of in.

Like, pink polos. Light blue polo on spring break. Like, yeah, definitely the best night. You're saving that light blue one for your, like popping night you know like probably like tuesday you know because wednesday people are like starting to like get over it thursday people are going home already tuesday is like we in this bitch no but the henna tattoo i wanted to get i wanted to get boo on one bicep and coo on the other, like boo coo

I actually wanted to do that Dude, imagine Oh my god, somebody fucking Go back in time and stab me in the ribs Brandon Cole, cringy things you did when you were younger Frosted tips Props, bro, props Here we go, Eric Parker, cringy things I did when I was a kid Third, tips. Props, bro. Props. Third, here we go. Eric Parker.

Cringy things I did when I was a kid. Third, fourth grade I only had two pairs of pants. I would wear both camo zip-offs. What kind of family were you in? His profile picture is a big zoomed in picture of his dog's face. One was aqua camo, the other forest camo. For full effect, I always wearing

white tube socks. I went above my knee to show them off when i zipped pants into shorts i don't know that is super weird that was his own style i never had the zip off pants like they're always so kohl's you know we always had to wear uh tan pants at in high school so i'd always like be on the hunt at cole's for cool good tan pants but like we could wear cargo pants which is insane the only place cargo pants are not looked down upon at a private high school but like i'd find something be like oh these are tight then i'd be like oh fuck there's zip offs trenton boyd cringy things I did when I was younger

I would walk home to poop I only lived like 4 blocks from school I still can't do it in public I'm 35 dude I think I only poop in public I just said poop I think I only shit in public I drink coffee in the morning at my house

and I'm like ah gotta get out of here nah I feel it coming see you guys later I drink coffee in the morning at my house and I'm like, ah, gotta get out of here. Nah, I feel it coming. See you guys later. I'm gonna go ahead and go find a gas station. I can't, like, I clean the toilet seat so hard when I shit in public. I get like three paper towels as fast as I can put soap on and run water on them and then three more paper paper towels to dry it off and like that I do that and I'm I've no one's ever walked in on me in the bathroom while I'm doing that like I got three paper towels

put soap on it put water on three more paper towels wipe the fuck out of the toilet seat like clean it like it's mine at my own home i'm like cleaning the back dry it off like i totally disinfect it and then i sit down on it because the toilet i don't know like sometimes i do i mummify the toilet seat but most of the time i just literally clean it like it's in my downstairs bathroom and i'm gonna get grounded but i'm always super scared somebody's gonna walk in and see me cleaning it and be like what downstairs bathroom. And I'm gonna get grounded. But I'm always super scared somebody's gonna walk in and see me cleaning it and be like, what the fuck? Oh, just, uh...

Yeah, I work here. I'm a janitor. How you doing? You need anything? Jesse. Average Jesse on Twitter. Cringy things you did when you were younger it was middle school basketball jersey over a hoodie is that cringy why do i think that looks so good i think it looks better than just wearing a normal basketball jersey actually wearing jerseys are fucked up to me now just because like guys are too old to be wearing jerseys with like a young guy's name on it.

I'm like, doesn't seem right. Unless it's like your cousin, you know, unless you're related to the person. I think it's so weird. He's 24 and I love him. He's 24 years old and he's fuck. I think about him every Sunday. I pray for him. That's insane but

yeah if you're gonna wear a jersey wear it over a sweatshirt for sure over jerseys over hoodies can go that's nice it looks good like if you're gonna wear a jersey that's how you do it here we go mitchell i a cringy thing to do when you're younger, I own fat farm shoes. There are a handful of girls that wore fat farm shoes. It's so weird thinking about that because then they played kickball in them and shit. We played kickball so much growing up. I knew when girls were going to kick it far because of their shoes. That's how much we played.

I was like, fuck, Ashley has her fat farm. On to the back up. Tiffany's wearing the thick soles. Alright. Get down the first base line. She's left footed. It's gonna hit the dumpster again. Kickball is a way of life growing up. I don't know if anybody else did that at school, but at recess

when the girls got good at kickball, when they started throwing that sidearm, I was like, oh shit, they actually play kickball dude we had a held back kid speaking of held back kids that would fucking I'll never forget this how good

he was held back so he was like better than everyone not in school but in everything at recess he was like dominant I'm talking about like Untouchable Anthony Elias dude When he was up

Holy shit Back the fuck up Even the teachers were like I'll just I'll just Holy fuck Hey Anthony's up Like everybody Like we like the back of the school like faced where we played kickball all like when anthony was up all the windows opened

the kindergartners like all their heads popped up in the windows and they're like anthony anthony anthony anthony the pitcher like looked at all the outfielders and they're like Anthony, Anthony, Anthony, Anthony. The pitcher looked at all the outfielders and they're like, get ready. After the pitcher pitched to Anthony, they crawled into a ball and got on the ground. So if it hit them, they wouldn't instantly die. They'd be like ready. They just clenched up like after they pitched it. Dude, one time, I swear to fucking God, I swear to God,

he broke a window on the school. And no, the teachers were like, it's about fucking time, honestly. Been waiting for this. We think about this every night, Ants. Untucked shirt. Super mature as fuck. Like, so mature. Like, had armpit hair, like, Ants. Untucked shirt. Super mature as fuck. Like so mature.

Like had armpit hair like in kindergarten. Dude. Holy shit. Dude, I just can't remember his like back leg swing. It was just like on point. And even if like, dude, it was so hard to catch. Dude, his shit would rock.

One time I caught, I'm not trying to catch. Dude, his shit would rock. One time I caught it. I'm not trying to brag or anything, but I am. One time I, because this is the highest achieving thing I've ever done in my life. One time I like was like, fuck, I might be able to get this. And I caught it like in the air with my hands, not even like kickball to the chest catch. And I got way too hype. I like slammed it down. I was like, yeah, there's more where that came from. But I like probably said down I was like yeah there's more where that came

from but I like probably said it wrong yeah there's more where it came from that holy shit there we get way dude then I learned like okay never yell again because every time I yell I fuck something up I fuck a word up or I'm like I really said that and it was like one of his like not good not as good kicks you know it was like one that he kind of fucked up and I caught and did that so it like wasn't as tight like my friends didn't even talk to me that the rest of that day about it They were just like yeah so Do you still have homework tonight Did you get that homework done

I'm like damn you didn't even talk about my catch You're gonna talk about Whatever bro They're like he bunted dude Chill Holy shit Alright let's go viral Viral Viral Holy shit. Alright. Let's go viral.

Viral. I like turtles. Hashtag that's my unpopular opinion. I don't like ice. I don't like ice. I don't like ice. I don't like ice. That's it. I don't know.

Like, I'm trying to think of a way that I would like ice in my drink and I don't. Ever. Like, even in my iced coffee, I'm like, I could, you know,

it'd be good, honestly, if it just didn't have ice. People freak out about ice at work. If the ice machine doesn't work, like, at your office, dude, it's like, there's gonna be, like, five ladies that are not gonna be fucking happy. Like, at all. Well, there's no fucking ice, so, like, I know I couldn't make my, and I couldn't do, I'm like, fuck ice, dude. Just drink it. It's already cold

Can't smear ice ice fuck ice dude, how I Never went ice at Starbucks, but I feel like they're like, you know when you say like no ice or like light ice They look at you like this motherfucker. What are you trying to do? We trying to do here go fucking fucking get drunk on our coffee? How hot is Starbucks food? Is that a joke? Is that a fucking joke?

When I get food from Starbucks, I have to order it like two months ahead of time. That's the hottest fucking thing on the planet earth how come every time you get some starbucks food it has to be 9 000 degrees what happened i just took a bite of my impossible breakfast sandwich i oh my god and you're every time you get starbucks food you're so fucking hungry because you're like oh it's starbucks food you're so fucking hungry because you're like oh it's so expensive and a ripoff and not even that great of food but I'm so fucking hungry I gotta get something overpriced it's like 11 bucks for a fucking cake pop 11 bucks for a bagel do you want us to toast it no

do you want us to toast it no please god please God. Please fucking God no. I want to eat it today. When I dance to the music, I do like the same four dance moves every time I dance. I got nothing when I dance. The way I dance is just like knowing some of the lyrics of songs and like doing hand motions to them. That's how I dance. when I dance. The way I dance is just like knowing some of the lyrics of songs and like doing hand motions to them. That's how I dance.

That's it. I think that might be a way to, I think that might actually be a style. Like if they talk about burying something in a song, I like do that shovel thing and throw the dirt over my back and then like do a little thing.

That's like how I dance. People that can dance too good though, hey, people that can dance too good, though. Hey. People that can dance too good, hey, we get that you're the most popular thing on earth in grade school dances. People that can dance too good,

hey, we know you killed it at Winter Formal, but like, chill. Cringiest things I did when I was was younger did the worm all the time this one dude did the worm at like our talent show and it was the best i've never seen like it made me want to like do the like i practiced my worm after i saw him do it I was like he was getting up The crowd was like oh

Then I went like two things later And did the worm during a dance And it was like kind of low And I kind of hit my chin on the ground I was like fuck oh god damn it Didn't even get a good reaction What was I doing? Ew

Guy that does the worm Cringy Guy that does the worm cringy guy that does the worm backwards what the fuck guys that do the worm backwards cops you have no place in our society guys that do the worm backwards

are all in jail now kids that did the worm backwards are all in jail now kids that did the worm backwards instead of forwards are all locked behind bars hashtag odd show and tell items I always brought in something lame like an action figure and had like the worst explanation for it.

Remember this kid in kindergarten flex on us and brought in his karate belt. I was like, oh, fuck. Fuck you, Andrew. I was like, damn, that's so good. This dude, Andrew, in kindergarten was so popping, bro. He knew karate. He had like the hottest girlfriend, you know? Just like there's always like one girl in your class in kindergarten that's

straight bangin' and you're like fuck. This kid had it locked up from day one dude. Nobody had a chance. We were like God. It was such his girlfriend. I was like was I like late or something?

How are they boyfriend and girlfriend like even on the first day of school like did they have like summer school together do they go to preschool together because this is fucking this is ridiculous I didn't even get a shot yeah but he pulled out his yellow karate belt and he's like yeah I got four more stages and then

I gotta go through this thing and I'll be on black belt he would like kind of do some karate shit sometimes he'd be like does this hurt and I'd be like fuck you man does this hurt does this hurt and I kind of chop like a weird spot on your arm you'd be like oh no I low-key wanted to do karate so bad when I was a kid I won this contest thing like this weird like, like drawing karate lessons, put your name in. And they called my house. I remember I was sleeping in my mom's bed with her probably because I was scared the night before. How funny is this? And they were like, Hey, your son won the thing for free karate lessons. And she's like, Benny, do you want to go to karate today? It's at like 2 PM at this weird place. And I was like, no.

I want to do karate so fucking bad. You went for lessons. I was like, nah, I'm good. Then that night, like after I missed the class, I was like, why didn't you just take me? Of course. Hashtag non-sexy pillow talk. like after I missed the class I was like why didn't you just take me of course hashtag non sexy pillow talk

I don't know how to talk hot dude I'm the worst at talking hot I said the same shit every time you like that talking hot is so annoying you really gotta be good I'm gonna look something up on YouTube about how to talk hot because I really need some pointers.

Talking hot class. That would be a funny video. How to talk hot 101. Instead of this, say this. Instead of saying, do you like that, say you're going to like the way this feels I guarantee it So broad

Men's warehouse You're gonna like the way you look Let's do days Wednesday St. Paddy's Day Let's do days Wednesday St. Paddy's Day Kiss me I'm boring National Curl Crush Day

I just want to squeeze curly Girls curly hair You know People are like yeah you can yeah you can that's probably so weird this guy fucking squeezed my hair today what the fuck

this guy fucking took a handful of my fucking hair today national corn beef and cabbage day ew that's some shit right there I would never be able to eat both of those things corn beef and cabbage day. Ew. That's some shit right there. I would never be able to eat both of those things. Corned beef and cabbage? You want some corned beef? How is that ever going to...

That sounds like it tastes like... It sounds like you're going to take a shit. Corned beef. Cabbage and corned beef. If I hear somebody say cabbage and corned beef, I'm already cleaning off the toilet seat. Disinfecting that bitch. Thursday.

National Awkward Moments Day. I hated that little, like, phase. It was, like, probably ten years ago when people, like, started saying awkward all the time. Like, something would happen and a girl would be like, awkward. I'd be like, oh, I want to fucking kill you. I mean, yeah, for real. Awkward, epic, and yeah, awkward and epic. Those two words.

Like when I was in college, people would not shut, not everybody, dude was epic. I was like, fuck you. Epic. It'll be epic So it's gonna suck National Lacey Oatmeal cookie day Lacey I just thought of a fucking oatmeal cookie

Wearing a red shiny robe With lingerie underneath it a red shiny robe with lingerie underneath it. I never want an oatmeal raisin cookie, but I'm always like I should get it just so it's like not that bad for me.

So I don't want to feel like a fucking fat ass and just get four chocolate chip cookies. I gotta mix like two oatmeal raisin in there just to like feel good about myself. Just so my body's like okay, You're not a complete piece of shit You see a good chocolate chip cookie though boy I Wish that I could be like the cool kids national sloppy joe day Sloppy joes, what's one side that you have to have with Sloppy Joe's no matter what?

Macaroni. Macaroni has a side grown up. Fucked me up every single time. Remember macaroni? Why is it so good? Macaroni. Even today, I'm like, macaroni, dude. Macaroni's so fire no matter what. Macaroni dude Macaroni's so fire No matter what

Macaroni Sloppy joes, macaroni And like what would it There had to be a vegetable And asparagus bro that's a birthday meal If your mom made that I'd be like hey Friday National backyard day Dude I like grew up in the backyard Friday National Backyard Day

Dude I like grew up in the backyard I did so much fuck shit in my backyard If there was a camera in my backyard of shit I did I swear I'd get scared shitless at like 3pm in my backyard And fucking run in the house You ever get scared outside You're like what the fuck you see like a weird tree you're like in the daylight getting scared in daytime so much worse than getting scared at night

because you're like this is a real thing this is a no i saw something for real at night it's like i'm just fucking around you're just fucking around yeah i probably probably just seeing stuff in the day if you see something move, you're like, holy fuck, I'm gonna die. The amount of times I thought I was gonna literally die when I was a kid. 15 times a day. Fuck. I'm gonna rob

my fucking house. Fuck. Someone's in here. How about dude, I'm getting scared now. God damn it! I hate doing this podcast at night sometimes because i get scared as fuck in here i'm like looking around i saw my i literally my hand moved and i saw a reflection on the wall and i was like how about when somebody rang your doorbell when you're a kid, dude, I would go into zero dark 30 mode. Bullet, sweating bullet. Nobody home. My mom's picking up my scissors and somebody rings the doorbell. The hair on my back stood up like a fucking cat. I'd hide like I was James Bond.

Somebody knocks on my door now. I like what in the fuck who is that somebody knocks on my door now somebody knocks on your door It's so alarming I'm like holy fucking shit I will kill you That's why I get when people answer the door with a gun It's like yeah pretty much It's so fucked up Especially now

Dude if somebody knocked on my door I'd be like I will kill you Persons always so startled when they open the door They're like yeah Holy shit Yeah And what do you need Oh when people talk to you like

With their screen door closed That's the most That's the fucking rudest thing of all time Like probably safe but when they Open their real door and then have their screen door closed That's the most That's the fucking rudest thing of all time Like probably safe But when they They open their real door And then have their screen Their glass door closed

And they're like Hi what do you need And you're like Oh fuck Nevermind I just need $50 For this walkathon thing God damn it

National Certified Nurses Day I look like a guy that would have a Like a fiance that's a nurse Yeah I'm off like every three days So we should like go to Chicago and take a picture by the big bean You know they have like Naughty nurse

The naughty nurses that like they like have on Halloween are like so fucking like yeah like they ever even wear that they have like some weird hat on naughty nurses now it's just a nurse it's like a lady wearing scrubs that actually just did her makeup that day

it's like the naughtiest you get that's like kinda naughtiest you get. That's like kind of hungover from the night before. National Poultry Day. I wonder how much chicken I've eaten in my life. Probably literally 12,000 pounds. I haven't had chicken in a year in my life. Probably literally 12,000 pounds. I haven't had chicken

in a year and a half. I don't miss it. I wonder why. I really don't even care. People are like, damn, you don't eat chicken? I'm like, dude, I just had so much fucked up, weird ass, my dumb ass

chef style chicken growing up, weird-ass, my-dumb-ass-chef-style chicken growing up. I'm like, I was literally, dude, KFC ran my shit when I was a kid. And all I ate in high school and college was chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, grilled fucking chicken. I have, like, grilled chicken rollover minutes. Chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken. Probably almost died eating

grilled chicken in a Ziploc bag on my passenger seat 40 times. With no drink. I wish that I could be like the cum- Saturday. National Proposal Day. Will you marry me?

I think I wanna marry you. Ooh. Guys that do that games, like, dude. That's so romantic. Oh, my God. Howdy ass. At a fucking Cubs game? No way.

That's such a guy thing. Hey, will you marry me? This is my dream dream How lame is that Like maybe if you were a player When that one dude for Boise State scored that touchdown Then proposed like oh my that was fucking insane But like a fan in the crowd Like dude try

When are you gonna do it bro probably when they play the titans what's your big plan for it bro you're going to like uh the grand canyon and doing it up there with the stars and you can see the moons and all the planets on that one night that's really weird that you can like see mars nah probably just when just when they play, uh, when the Rams are in town. God damn it. National corn dog day. I swear to God, I've never had one. Said it. Never had a corn dog. They always do look bomb though. Honestly, hot dogs just look good. Like, like I know they're going to suck, but I'm always like, damn, just fuck. They do kind of look... Because the colors and the buns, cool. The red and yellow on it, I'm like, I can get down with that. I'll eat 90%

of shit just because it looks good. Corn dogs. They would be fire. Dude, vegetarian corn dogs. If anybody knows of those, hit me up. I would trounce that. I would drown that hoe in ketchup. That hoe.

Like I turned it into like a fucking hardcore thing. Like I turned it into like a rap lyric. I would drown that hoe in ketchup. Yeah, hoe. Trippy. Me dunking my corn dog into like one of those cups of ketchup that you get at restaurants. Fast food restaurants. Your boys are with you They're like

First I dunk it Then I munch it Ain't eating breakfast, ain't eating lunch, because I brunch it. Yeah, but that's what I'd do if I had a corndog. Sunday. National Common Courtesy Day. Yeah, ho. I hate when people say sorry and they clearly don't have to.

I'm like, you're so, you just pretty much told me you're not sorry. Sorry, I meant. I'm like, no, you're not fucking sorry for that, you bitch. Holy shit. Sorry. No, you're not fucking. When people say sorry and you can just tell they're not sorry, I like that's the rudest fucking thing sorry fuck you don't sorry me dude i know you're not sorry when people wouldn't like it's like there's i knew this fucking one girl and she would say sorry after

everything i'd be like you're so annoying sorry but like sorry i know sorry sorry sorry i was like I know sorry sorry sorry I was like sorry I just sorry I just sorry shut the fuck up shut the fuck up that's literally Juicy J's ad lib how hard is that

just in the middle of songs and shit when he was about to rap he would just say this shut the fuck up shut the fuck up shut the fuck up yeah shut the fuck up imagine not caring that much that you just like before every time you rapped like if you're like hey mom check out my new song yeah i rap at uh uh one minute and 30 seconds listen to my verse sorry I just oh my god sorry I just I barely even

touched you but I'm so sorry I'm just so sorry I'm like in my head in real life it's okay alright All right. National French bread day. I think I've eaten so much French bread. Dude, our house French bread was like fucking grapes. You know, when your mom brings home grapes, you eat them in one second.

Grapes are, in my house, grapes were gone. Drop the grapes on the counter. Everybody in my household's head would turn. We'd run, all run downstairs, eat the grape. Like when you drop like an ice cream bar on the sidewalk in the summer and there's like 9,000 ants on it. That was my family when grapes were in our house. But French bread was like that too. Dude, my mom would slice up french bread with a butcher

knife and just dunk it in jelly that's the only thing i ever saw her eat my entire life french bread with jelly wheat thins and wine that's all my mom i've never seen my mom eat an actual nutrient that's literally it just crackers and shit cheese slices my mom never ate fucking anything not even even on like holidays she like she'd just be like sitting there and but it was always like under the radar you like never really noticed until somebody said something you You're like, wow, she's never eaten anything. What the fuck? Except for cake too. Only reason I knew my mom ate cake is cause she'd like,

she'd like, you know, get a fork and like shake, put the rest of the fork down on the plate, like hard. And the crumbs would like, just like stick to the bottom of the fork. And she like,

like normally when you eat with a fork, you like put it in your mouth normally But you like she would flip it upside down after the cake part, but every time she like took it out of her mouth She wouldn't do it normally. She'd be like Mm-hmm you can't fork flip and take it out your mouth without saying mm-hmm Cuz you think you're so hot when you do that. I'm important as fuck. What's up? Mm-hmm. The cake's pretty good

because I said it was. Mm-hmm. Alright. Shot 150. It was fun, y'all. Again, thanks for listening Remember to tell them For real Subscribe

Rate Review I see there's some reviews on there From some real homies And I like it Keep them coming man Tell everybody to subscribe Seriously

This is a thing Like one day You're gonna be like I used to listen to that podcast Like when he just did it Like at literally 1am On Mondays Shut the fuck up Nah but seriously Thank you for listening like when he just did it like at literally 1 a.m. on Mondays.

Shut the fuck up! Nah, but seriously, thank you for listening. Let's blow this bitch up, huh? All right, Espressos. Remember to follow Benedict Polizzi on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Cameo. And I'll talk to you guys next week. All right, fam. We all on the couch. All right, fam.