Espresso - DUMBEST THING YOUR DAD HAS DONE
Episode Date: June 12, 2025Support the pod! & so much more for $5/month https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡𝗡𝗬'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦...𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦 https://benedictpolizzi.com/shows/Nashville, TN - June 13-14 Baltimore, MD - Sept 25💕 WATCH BENNY on LOVERS and LIARS ON CW APP🧢 "𝗙𝗕𝗢𝗬" 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝟮𝟱% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/
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Like one time we were in the car and my sister got a new phone. It was called the sprint
katana and
We were all sitting there in the car and my sister was like dad. What's katana mean?
And my dad goes it's Japanese for communicate
Well, I'm going home To a place where I belong
To a place where I belong
Oh this is on
Espresso Podcast Shot 371
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The other podcast I do with Joey Molinaro merch.
Everything's on benedictmerch.com.
Grab some.
Get some for your dad. Father's Day?
Get your dad a who's buying this hoodie for Father's Day. Who's buying this?
In honor of Father's Day, our espresso quick quick quick quick
question of the week
Since Father's Day is the most pointless holiday of all time
It is because you try to buy your dad something. I'm good B Since Father's Day is the most pointless holiday of all time, it is.
Because you try to buy your dad something, I'm good B. I'm okay B. Get yourself something
B. In honor of Father's Day, we're celebrating.
What's the dumbest thing your dad's ever done? What's the dumbest thing your dad's ever done? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
What's the dumbest thing your dad's ever done?
Remember that time he burnt his hand in the fireplace?
Dude, I think every time my dad made a fire, he burnt his hand.
Ouch!
Every single time! And my dad, I don't know if it's just my dad or is it everybody's dad that said dick?
Dude, I think my dad made seven fires a week.
Seven fires in the fireplace.
Just switching logs out. Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff clockwork I'd love to see my dad's hands bro just gashed blood running down my
dad's hands burn victim ouch dads and fires bro I don't know what it was a
just just an old Lions game on TV fire in the fireplace
And he'd look at me and be like dude every time dude that that thing he would get that thing going though And it'd be roaring
He'd look at me and go hey B
That's a fire
Come on
Bro worship the fireplace, what's the dumbest thing your dad's ever done?
Let's hear it
Yeah, I think I'd say the dumbest thing my dad's ever done is probably a probably heroin
Yeah fucking OD off that shit fucking
Life lesson for me to never do that fuck
Don't recommend it just Sam, but yeah, I think that's the dumbest thing he's done cool dad
No, that's kind of crazy. How do you even get it? I don't know anything about any drug
And I'm happy about it, but how do you even get that?
How do you even know about it who do you even hit up who do you who?
How do you even know about it? Who do you even hit up? Who do you who?
The club if I was trying to get that today
The thing I would do is just would just be to walk around downtown and see if anybody asked me if I want it
How would you ever get it dude some girl did it on our senior retreat?
What's the point I just I would never I'm telling you if I did anything like that I would never come back to the same person
One little hit or whatever it is. I don't even know how you do it one little hit. Bye. I
Want to go my whole life without knowing how what's the point?
If it's anything like that one time I smoked spice from the Marathon gas station senior year in high school What's the point?
If it's anything like that one time I smoked spice from the Marathon gas station senior year in high school, I don't want to know
Because I figured out how the dinosaurs
Were born
What's your dad's number?
My freshman year in college for my sorority's dad's weekend.
My dad, of course, came down ready to party like any middle-aged college dad be ready
for.
We went up to the bars and got completely wasted with some of my sorority sisters. And at the end of the night, he was the one who got picked up
and arrested for public intoxication
by the campus police.
At 2.30 in the morning, we ended up
having to call my mom so that she
could get him out of trouble.
So I guess this means I get a
get out of jail free card. I'm not sure but hopefully because I haven't used it yet.
Clean voice message. I don't know I think you kind of have to do that if you're
dad. Don't don't get in trouble by the cops, but That's like half the reason dads have kids so they can go to their college and be like homecoming
Hey, do you need anybody to help set up your dorm? It just gets blitzed at the bar
Demon time at the bar
It's always it's always a bar. Yeah, your dad was uh, he was outside the linebacker
It's always a it's always a Your dad was, uh, he was outside the linebacker. It's always a, it's always a bar called something like that. He was outside,
uh, the, uh,
the backer. They give it, they give it a nickname.
They give the bar a nickname that's already has a nickname.
He was outside backer and, uh, yeah yeah he was asking people, he was asking people who had the best
whistle and he just he took it too far in handcuffs in front of a Taco Bell on the curb.
Is that dad?
Every dad's got to do it.
He thinks he still has it.
You know what I mean your dad goes goes to your college
move-in day
He thinks he can hang
Old boys been putting down too many just just he's been setting his ways with the tall boys
All of a sudden there's a couple college kids ask them
you want a Jaeger bomb sneak up on you quick
Jaeger bombs bro that's such a dude if you drink a Jaeger bomb outside of
college after you graduate college you're an're but that's a that's a what is it? What is it called?
Like when you have the Yeager in the Irish car bomb, I mean.
Yeah, it takes like there's like one hour
where you feel invincible when you're drinking.
It's a crazy, sour your life.
I feel like every time every time I've ever
drank, I feel like Captain America, I could do this all day. Then whoops, for some reason I start crying.
Hey, you ever have one so bad? You ever have a night so bad that you wake up have don't
really know what happened kind of though I was kind of new but it was a little
spotty and somebody goes I can't believe you cried last night and the person that told you was the girl you like. What on earth did I say?
Did you know, you know the stuff you said was just
only the things you keep in house
and you were letting it rip.
And then you feel really bad and they go like this,
the girl that you cried in front of or whoever,
not that this happened to me or anything, the girl that you cried in front of or whoever you not that This happened to me or anything the girl that you cried in front of goes like this. It was like cute though
Just saying it to make you feel better, but your dad might have been that guy
Let's hear your whistle in Taco Bell sitting in front of Taco Bell. Let's hear the whistle. Let's hear the whistle
Getting a little too hostile college kids want to fight them
Keep going
Bro, one time I came home from school and my book bag was too heavy
And so my dad punished me by putting a bunch of rocks in my backpack
and maybe run laps around the house.
LOL
LOL, I thought I was the only person
I thought I was the only guy that that
Like pronounced lol
Every time you see lol. Do you say lol in your head I do LOL oh my god LOL it's the only one I sound out oh oh my god you're not you're
not reading that but LOL YOL
at the end of every sentence cuz I don't know what else to say and I don't want to sound like a dick
What times a funeral I
That's crazy your dad got arrested in your college town, yeah, oh
My god you have skin cancer. I
Your dad did heroin
Okay, okay, I don't know dude I'm all about um, dude, I'm all about the punishments bro. I love hearing punishments
Hey laps
right now
Hey your dad rocks
I didn't know you're like gonna do the dad jokes during the dad podcast this puts it a little over the top shut up Ashley
There's nothing cooler than that punishment. Oh you had a cigarette? Smoke a whole pack, your dad. Huh?
That's a tough one
That's a tough one.
Rose got a bad back. Ten years old.
You ever have one of those injuries when you're younger and you didn't like tell anybody about it because you just didn't know what you're just like, oh, I think this is what life is like injuries when you get older.
I just part of the part of the deal.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, my back hurts because all I do is like stuff that hurts my back like you can like kind of
make sense of it but why'd I tear my hamstring in third grade I promise to
God third grade playing kick and catch you know I'm talking about kick and
catch there's like a line of like eight kids on one side and then like 25 yards away. There's another there's like another
group of eight kids and there's like four
Dodgeballs, you know those good dodgeballs those those dodgeballs that you can smell right now that red one. Oh
You can hear them too you ever you ever just blast one of those oh my nothing better than let loose on a dodgeball, dude
Pitcher throws you one kind of bouncy not fast. So so see ya
Gone
on
anyway group of eight kids
group of another eight kids
we're like punting balls back to each other
we play this game called kick and catch all the time
one person
like
you get it here
and then you just
pfff
you know what I'm saying?
just like that
back and forth you catch
somebody's ball it's like oh you kick a
good one
oh my god catch one
yeah good catch
what do you even like thing and I let one a rib dude full full effort full intensity 11 years old
banged one
Couldn't feel my leg for the rest of the day
11 are you allowed to tear your hamstring when you're 11 is that a thing?
Bro carrying rocks in his backpack probably probably got a little contuge back there
11 years old bulging disc
What kind of backpack did you have though because how I know backpacks are strong but
Actually, you know a backpack might be the strongest thing in the history of the world
remember that one kid's backpack there was always a kid in school that like brought all his books
home and i'm like dude you don't have to nothing like a day where you had a light backpack oh
i just thought about this and i remembered my first backpack it was a navy blue adidas one
um don't know why don't know why
but that thing was made of like that thing was I think it was taped together there'd always be
a kid with a heavy duty backpack looked like he was going to outer space always had all the books in
it always ran always ran to his mom's van really weird. I'm like, Alec, you don't
need all those books in it, but it would kind of make me insecure because I'd be like, do
we have homework that I don't know about? He is smart. At the same time, there's a Space Jam
folder in my backpack with a field trip pass in there that my mom hasn't signed yet.
rip pass in there that my mom hasn't signed yet.
Well I'm going home.
It's a tough dad, dude. It's a tough dad.
My dad cut off his fingers.
Yes!
On my 30th birthday by putting his hand
in the shoot of a snowblower.
Let's go.
Yes.
So I'm talking about that's what I'm talking about.
God dude, when I when I put this question out, I was like, I just pray that there's
a dad that chopped his finger off.
Dude, dads with no fingers are the coolest dads
I'll see you later, honey
Been through it
How a you ever just think about how all your fingers aren't chopped off? How do I how am I not missing one finger?
You know, there's that one to everybody has that one time in their life
where they almost lost a finger and they're like, like it pops up in your head every now
and then for me, uh, cutting the grass. Hey, yo, first of all, how come you're allowed to cut the grass when you're 10, but you can't
Go to the mall
Yeah, cut the grass mm-hmm use that heavy machinery that you know nothing about put gas all over it
Fill up gas all over it prime it
If it doesn't start just put more gas and keep priming it. Bro, 10 years old.
Me, first time cutting grass, 10 years old, pouring gas all over that damn thing.
I probably put gas in the oil.
It wouldn't start.
I think I primed it for 40 minutes.
I don't know.
My mom's gone.
She told me to cut the grass.
Hey, have you ever seen your mom more mad than when you cut the grass with no shoes on?
Oh my god.
Oh my god, I'm so- how would I know?
It's like I blew the house off. It's like I blew up the house
Bitty put your shoes on what do you whoa hey? I'm doing it put your shoes off
Are my feet are you am I gonna chop my feet off if I choose on they'd still be chopped off
The one time I almost chopped off my finger though. Me, backyard, cutting the grass, getting kind
of bored, listening to probably Justin Timberlake on an mp3 player that I
didn't know how to work so it only had six songs on it. Shuffling through them, four I didn't like, Justin Timberlake was one of them on there. I didn't know how to work so it only had six songs on it. Shuffling through
them, four I didn't like, Justin Timberlake was one of them on there. I didn't even put
them on there, my sister did, but I was like, I gotta listen to something. So I was just
cutting the grass. It could be us holding hands, walking on the beach, our toes in the
sand, ooh, I can see it on the countryside and by you by yourself by side You can be my baby and I mean cutting the grass like that. I
Need you to do to be my love
My love and me thinking at the same time this is kind of boring how's this lawnmower work?
So I tipped a lawnmower over push mower duh I
Don't even know what to do. How do you how do you even live a life if you have a if you have a
Riding mower are you even?
At that point just have somebody come cut your grass for you
Push mower me in my head. How does this even work?
Push mower me in my head. How does this even work?
Took the the handlebar pressed on it with my foot so the the mower was in the air and kept it on
So I laid down next to the lawn mower while it was on it was like my foot was like had that had the handle Like, you know, you the handle of a push motor like you gotta like push it back My foot was on that the handle, like you know the handle of a push motor, like you gotta like push it back.
My foot was on that.
I lay down and look under the lawnmower.
And at that moment,
I can see me holding hands
because I just chopped it off with a lawnmower.
Ooh, I can see me on the countryside
with just three fingers in my right. Ooh, you could see me on the countryside with just three fingers
In my right, oh you could be my baby I'm trying
But the the second I saw the mouth of the lawnmower ah with the blade I
Was like I'm gonna get in trouble like I like that like
If I know there's a neighbor looking out the window like this is how he does watch watch watch watch watch
Just me or every single time I went outside I was outside my whole life, but my neighbors had to be like what is this dumbass doing today every day?
Pretending like I was a whole football team every day
Getting fake tackled in the backyard making up fake games
Breaking everything and almost chopping my face off to Justin DerMalek in the background
I can see you hon is walking on the beach right
Dude, nobody moms more than your mom. Mom's mom so hard when you're cutting the grass with no shoes on.
Why not?
So my dad is like overall really smart and good at what he does, but like as good as he is at that he is just unable to cook
if his life depended on it and apparently he isn't able to cut bagels
successfully either because he sliced his thumb three times trying to do it with a serrated knife. And like the one time,
I think it was the last time he did it,
I had to pick him up and take him to the hospital
to get stitches and like,
told him don't get blood all over my car.
I had just gotten my license, but yeah.
So my daddy's like, yeah, really smart,
but certain things like that just can't do
Yeah, I never really thought about like every dad has a weakness, you know, I
Still think of my dad is like, you know the like the guy bro
I still like I think of my dad today like I thought of my dad when I was like 10
Still like I think of my dad today. Like I thought of my dad when I was like 10
On some on some Father's Day ish. I'm like dude. My dad's like Superman, dude
Like wakes up early like knows how to kind of do everything a little bit knows a lot Hey, you know dad's dad's make so much shit up
But like I could kind of ask him everything you kind of have like a decent answer for it
Everything you kind of have like a decent answer for it. All right that passes
You know you're asked you grow up and you ask your dad so many things and they just gotta have it They can't my dad would never be like, I don't know. He'd always he'd lie
like one time we were in the car and
My sister got a new phone. It was called the sprint
katana and We were all sitting there in the car and my sister was like dad. What's katana mean? new phone. It was called the Sprint Katana.
And we were all sitting there in the car and my sister was like, Dad, what's Katana mean?
And my dad goes, it's Japanese for communicate.
And we're all like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cool. That's a cool phone. You got a sick phone
It's a sword
I don't know man still kind of makes sense to me
Bro, but that dude is maybe it maybe it's what's the biggest liar dad told you next week. Oh
My god, I
Gotta write this down. What's the biggest lie?
katana communicate I
Remember looking out the window at a speedway gas station. I knew right where I was dude
it like near Detroit, Michigan just coming back from my grandma's house like kind of sad like
Damn, I kind of want that phone now
That's a cool phone I can tell my friends This was a
Katana my dad knows Japanese I
Didn't know my dad knew Japanese
Yeah, my dad can't do dad's and cooking
Two things that will never get along
Unless your dad's like an actual chef.
Let's leave the cooking to the ladies.
You're like misogynistic! Shut up!
They're just better at it, man. You know?
Hey, leave the sports talk to the boys.
You're like massage anistic!
You can do it.
But like we leave the sports talk. It's in our blood, babe.
You know?
The X's are in O's.
What's your blood type? X and O.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH is it this guy?
XO positive. Pfffttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt to get like piling up some ground turkey with his own hands over the oven. Hey B, you want cheese on your burger? I'm like, I don't, I'm good. Women more delicate. Take their
time. Hey, you're the way your dad made you a sandwich and the way your mom made you a sandwich just take that
think about that
hey mom can you make me a peanut butter and jelly?
oh my god
this is beautiful
the right amount of peanut butter
how did she know that I like jelly a little bit more than peanut butter on my peanut butter and jelly
I guess I'll do it, I guess I'll eat that forever. I'll eat it like this forever now
Your mom sets the standard for PB&J every time you make a PB&J
You you look at it you go. Yeah, it looks like the one my mom used to make every time
There's you didn't invent your new PB&J. No, dude, you make it your PB&J
and you make it with your mom's
grace.
You have your mom every time I've
made a peanut butter and jelly, I'm
like, I hope this passes.
Like, if my mom was here, would
she be like, ew?
You make a PB&J in your mom's
image.
Remember that time your dad made you a PB&J?
Oh!
Did you make this peanut butter and jelly
with a bomb attached to your head? Why is it so rushed?
Why is it so slap together? Just
can I get some integrity? Your mom makes you a peanut butter jelly bro. Just clean edges.
makes you a peanut butter jelly bro just clean edges peanut butter two swoops jelly piled on there did it with the same knife she might have licked the
knife in between the peanut butter and jelly I don't care so it holds a
sandwich together but hey the bread is matching up perfect with the other bread
just bro your dad the bre's all cockeyed.
Huh?
There's peanut butter coming off the side.
I'm like, what's the hurry?
I swear, there's like, dad's make peanut butter jellies
like a bomb was ticking the whole time.
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
Then to top it all off, there's a big old thumbprint in the top. Come on!
You can see the jellies starting to like,
soak through the bread, you know what I mean?
When you can see the jelly coming through the bread on a peanut butter jelly, that peanut butter jelly is expired it's over for that I'll still eat it
but nothing turns you off on a peanut butter and jelly more than jelly coming through the bread like
I don't know it's like every time a dad cooks it it's like it's all in big chunks. I'm like,
ugh! Like your feet, dude, your dad makes you food like you're a dog. He thinks you're
a dog. Yeah, just chop it in fours and buddy will love it. Now put me right next to you, and carry the temp in the room First rub my back like you do, right there, huh huh
Right there, huh, you touch me like you care
Now stop, oh, this thing's on. Went a little crazy there
For J-Holiday, R.I.P. J-Holiday
Hi, hunty!
The other day you were talking about ketchup
Hunts vs. Hines.
And all I could think about was Hunts being like the brand of Hunty.
Okay, moving on.
Hunty!
Um, most embarrassing thing my dad has ever done or dumbest thing I think is the question.
We were at like a grad party together, you know, when you're in high school and parents are at the graduation race.
like a grad party together, you know, when you're in high school and parents
are at the graduation race.
Oh no.
I believe afterward we went to like some diner
or some restaurant and my dad was so drunk
that he took the candle, it was like a tea light candle.
If you don't know what a tea light candle is,
it's like they're like small ones that they have
like in a glass like cylinder thing on the table
to like set the scene, you know.
My dad thought that that was a shot glass and
went to go take it back like i saw him thank god i was sitting across from him i saw him eyeing it
up and i was like oh no he grabs it doesn't look inside of it it's at his lips i'm like dead
and i grabbed it out of his hands and it wasn't even like the flameless candle it was full real
flame he would have downed a fucking candle and to this day
We can't let him live it down like anytime we go to a restaurant
There's a candle my dad care for a shot and he gets so he gets so pissed, but it's it's great
We called it the candle shot
The inside joke lives on forever. I
Think you should do though
like
What's the most embarrassing thing your dad has ever done?
Oh
Because that I have story upon story for one of them being the first time I had a boyfriend
come over my dad decided to have everyone sit down and he played an old cassette that's
back when like you can record yourself on a cassette he He played my recording of myself singing Jewel hands solo.
Okay?
My hands are small, I know, but they're not your,
yeah, my boyfriend.
They are my mother-fucking-
Hi, hunty.
Damn, that song kind of slaps.
I never knew she was talking about her hands.
Hot, small, they are my home. I never knew she was talking about her hand that's my
Not my
My phone that song every time you get in your parents car when you're a kid
So your dad tried to take a candle shot Oh wax throat
Haha, oh your dad sounds lit
That's cool. That trying to embarrass you in front of the new boyfriend. Sick that dude. Every guy's got that in him. If I
have a daughter, I'm gonna have eight somehow someday. No's part of the game babe. Your dad sounds so cool. I always
dude is it just how come I always have to almost break those little candles on
the tables at those like it's always at like a weird diner, but it's never a real candle. Where were you?
Cracker barrel I
Always have to almost it's always a fake candle like it like there's a thing on the bottom you do on off switch I
Always almost break it. I'm like, I know you got 50 other ones back there shut up
Something you accidentally steal from a restaurant one of those candles. There's nothing like there's nothing like taking some
Where those called those little cups those little cups at restaurants you guys are saying it right now in your head It's called a it's called a
God was it called there's nothing like stealing those from a restaurant.
You kinda have to, just to get them back a little bit.
I worked at a restaurant, it's fine.
We had honey pots at our restaurants,
the way I used to tell tables to take them,
just so they'd give me tips.
Oh my God, this honey's so good.
Hey, take one, how dare ya.
Then I'd just walk away forever.
Wait, we asked for refills!
I'm still walking.
Hehehehe
Hehehehe
We haven't even paid yet!
Got the rest.
Sign sealed, delivered.
I go back to the table.
$3 tip. Ah!
I go back to the table three dollar tip
And they're not mine they are my own I
Don't think drinking a candle would be that bad flame goes out flame goes out
Kind of feel good rolling down that a soft
Some pink wax going down your esophagus. Ah, is that rhubarb pie?
Or did I just burn a hole in my neck?
Cause they're not mine, they are mine.
So when I was 18, we went to a Cubs game for my birthday, just me and my dad.
And we got there like two hours early so that we could catch a ball during batting practice.
Oh my God.
Dream.
And literally a ball came right to us like toward the end of the batting practice.
And my dad caught it and dropped it.
And the people in front of us got the ball.
Oh no.
But it was honestly like so much funnier that someone else got it and I'll remember that
more than like even getting the ball because it was freaking hilarious.
Oh, he was so upset.
I wouldn't be.
Anyway, that's one of the dumbest things he's ever done.
Kind of a sick kind of like, why'd that kind of make me happy
Kind of a nice little we're doing it We're doing a nice little service to the dads here cuz that's like an that's a nice move
Hey, what are you gonna? Like go? What are you gonna?
You didn't want to at all
All my life, that's the only reason I've ever wanted to go to a baseball game
I'm like 48 years old. I'm still like maybe if I go I'll catch a pop fly
To this day if I was going to a LA Dodgers game tonight, I'd be like should I bring my mitt don't even have a mitt
Let's pick one up on the way there be
And you your dad had the chant dude he was gonna catch that ball
I wonder if it was with his bare hands probably probably one of the most
amazing things in the world when a dad is like just catches a ball bare-handed
at a baseball game top 10 dad moment maybe top three maybe top two when I
caught that bare-handed foul ball at the Cubs game and then when I married your mom two things that uh
Do things I think
He dropped it I
Think my dad would have taken me to a game the next day and try to do it again
He'd be like can't end on that one. Hey, baby can't end on that one
They got a they've got a six game series
So we're going tomorrow and he would just try to catch a ball the whole time just to make up for it. I think
God that has say or
Your dad
How bad does that hurt they don't even act like it hurts dude dads can catch everything bare-handed doesn't even hurt him
Alex Rodriguez
425 foot home run while holding a baby with a beer bottle in their mouth
in a nacho hat on their head
Most impressive thing.
Dad top, dad top plays.
Let's keep going.
Well, my children's father pretty
much had a whole last pretend
life outside of the
22 years that we've been together.
Still is doing it, but you know, my dumb ass can't freakin' run away.
Yeah.
Crazy thing is, is that...
Getting evicted, leaving us homeless, him going to jail for someone else and her kid.
Yeah, some fucked up shit.
But that's for my children's dad.
Have a good day.
Oh.
Okay.
I feel like we all just got in trouble
You know when you're having too much fun and
Then like a teacher or a coach comes in and they like hey
You're taking it too far
You're taking it too far
Your friend's mom comes in lays down the law nothing's the same after I
Just don't understand how dads can't do anything, bro
Dads can't really do anything. They're not capable of, I mean, they're capable of just normal stuff.
But there's always a dad, like in the news or something
that has a second family in life.
And I'm like, how do you have,
dude, you know how smart you gotta be?
No guy is that to cover cover up his tracks bro you the lies you gotta have a whole
God who cares that much
There's all there's everybody knows a guy that has has a whole second family
A whole second life and you're like, bro,
how do you hide that from your wife?
Your wife's in all your biz.
I can't even focus on one life.
You got two, bro?
Two kids, you got two sets of kids?
Dad top plays having two secret lives
So the dumbest thing my dad has ever done was punch our
TV
Oh, no, who lost he was upset that we were up all night
watching tv and this TV was those huge TVs
with the back like the brain in the back fat back stuff in the back. It was those 90s 80s
90s looking TVs and they're heavy af. So he punched that shit broke his hand. So we couldn't help but laugh because he came in all like
aggressive and scary and he punches that TV
and that shit breaks and we're like, what the?
Anyways, kind of crazy, you know,
but it was pretty dumb, pretty dumb of my dad.
The weirdest stuff your dad does.
Like just takes it over the top.
I remember that sometimes I'd be like,
wait, that's not even that big of a deal.
My foot touches a blade of grass,
front yards for looks!
I was like, yo, damn.
I was like yo damn
If you haven't seen your dad punch something I
Don't know. I don't know if he's I don't know if he's your real dad
He might he might have just filled in for a hot minute when you're two years old and just stuck around
But everybody's real dad is punching a wall
Bro, I forgot to turn a light off one time my dad
punch the wall i'll never forget i was like yo for wall for that
there's something going on there's something else on. You can't get that mad at that, bro.
The bathroom light.
I was probably like, I was gonna use it again.
Let's keep going, a lot more.
Okay, it's kind of dumb, but it's also super wholesome.
We were going down the lazy river
and he was being such a dad and trying to
Like every single drain and gutter thing he was cleaning each of them out, which was really cute
but he was clogging up the whole lazy river and
I
Don't know. This is just such a dad move
Gotta fix something gotta fix them. Hey drains clogged
You know what nobody got mad
Nobody got mad at him
Yeah, we haven't moved anywhere in two and a half hours, but
It guys unclogging the drains their wives are like, what is even happening? They don't really care either though
It's just like a it's a it's a
dad reaction unclogging something bro a dad to put me put me in the put me in
the game needs fixing I got it I got it I got it I got it no hesitation I got it
No hesitation. I got it
What uh So my dad does demolition and rubbish removal. So what he does is practically
So Italian
And one time he found
$50,000 and
some buddies bedroom
wall
And this house was already like foreclosed,
it was already sold.
Like all he had to do was just demo the whole house.
And of course this guy finds the money
and then tells the landlord that he found it.
Instead of just demoing the whole house,
be pretending like, oh, I didn't find anything
and everything is destroyed and in the garbage.
Oh well well of course
he's a good guy he's a catholic guy he doesn't want karma daddy fucking gave the 50 000
dollars back which at that time my family could have freaking used and did we get any luck after After that, yeah. Oh, yeah, that hurts a little bit.
You gotta do that, bro.
Until you're like,
you can keep stuff you find until you're like 25, you know?
You can still count a piece of shit.
Still count a piece of shit.
But after 25, dude, you find 50k, like, bro, that's gonna come back and haunt you if you take it.
You literally will have ghosts in your house the minute you take that money.
Get your karma right, man!
He couldn't... He couldn't...
He didn't have any luck, probably because he took 50k at some other point in his career.
Probably because he took 50k at some other point in his career
Did you cover right man?
Don't know if I found 50k I'd be like I gotta turn it in I don't know do you turn into a softie or something? Am I a bitch I?
Saw one dollar on the ground and I was like it's a trick. I always think everything's a trick.
I'm like, dude, there's cameras set up.
I'm gonna be on a YouTube prank show.
It's just not, I don't give a shit about a dollar.
If it was $100, I would have thought the same thing
even more.
I'd have been like, nope, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I think it's a trick every time.
And one time I saw a phone charger on the ground. I was like absolutely not bro. These things are worth more than $100
Man
My dad was not
The guy that had like all these different projects going on. It's like, oh, yeah
I got this car to backyard and rebuilding the engine. Like, he wasn't trying to like turn the
chimney into a grill. Like, he wasn't doing that weird shit. But
when my stepmom came around, they got dogs and they made the
great choice of not fixing them responsible
so weird and two of them that were brother and sister had a puppy one puppy
I don't know if I've ever heard of a one puppy litter so they called him lucky. They actually called him lucky.
One dog one puppy. My instinct listen deliver that as a joke, but
they actually called him lucky. And I don't know if they saw the
irony and calling a dog that's a product of incest lucky
I've never heard of anything like this in my whole watch
Seasons two and three of F boy island on the roku app along with lovers and liars
Cw
Dawson's Creek no login no password just saying just download the app that's it
not that I have ever told you guys that or anything I've never heard of a
brother and sister dog having a puppy and only and I've never heard of that
and I've never heard of a girl dog only having one puppy has it ever happened? I just think it's so dude I can't one thing one
thing about me I'm not I'm not a I'm not a picky guy I'm pretty much whatever
about everything but I hate dog dicks don't know why
God it's so gross it's so ugly ugly. I'm like can he wear some shorts?
This is insane.
When people are so blind to the fact, you know they put pictures of their dogs on the
internet you can see it's whole package.
I'm like bro, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
It's gotta be my number one. What's like your deal breaker when dating a girl?
Does she have pictures of her dog's dick on Instagram? Like one
Blocked
So weird I'm like do you not see what I see
What's the dumbest thing my dad did?
My mom.
Hi.
Guy back to back.
I can do it.
Johnson, this guy, this guy.
I'll think of something. All right. This was a this was my senior year of high school.
My brother was a freshman, but we were getting ready to go into two days.
We both play football
the weekend before two days, dude.
My dad shuts off the air conditioning in our entire
house because you got to get your you got to get your body acclimated.
I mean, you talk about dumbest idea of all time, bro.
I will never forget that.
I was miserable an entire weekend.
You're working out and shit coming home.
No AC.
You can't sleep, bro.
You're fucking sticking to the sheets and shit miserable
I'm with it, dude. I'm team dad. It's your body right?
mine body connect them
I'm so with your dad on that
Cuz I'd be like yeah AC is cool. But like
Hey, we don't we don't need it. We don't need a crutch around here. All right, you're gonna be hot
You're gonna be hot all the time.
You need to be fast!
You need to be hungry!
What's the AC doing?
Southport in the AC right now?
They got fingers, they got feet crossed in the AC downstairs.
What are they doing?
And I bet after you scored a touchdown that year, your dad looked at you and he goes,
cause that temperature, it's cause that temperature.
You lasted longer in the heat. Cause that temperature. You lasted longer in the heat.
Cause that temperature, those boys on defense,
AC, always chilling.
All right, a really dumb thing my dad did one time is,
this is when I was maybe like nine or 10 years old
and I was hanging out with a friend.
I can't wait.
We look pretty similar.
Oh no, no, no.
So he thought he saw me sitting on a chair from behind and my butt crack was sticking
out.
No.
And so he poked his little finger on the top of my butt crack.
I can't even.
Just as like a silly thing or whatever.
Turns out it was my friend.
So that happened.
Hopefully she wasn't scarred.
Let's see.
How do I end this thing?
Oh, no.
Hold on.
OK.
Oh no, hold on, okay.
Dude, that's one of those things I can't even do. That's the cringiest moment of the week forever and ever.
Amen.
I bet if you bring that up to your dad, he just goes,
nope, nope, nope, nope.
Wow.
Wow. Wow.
I don't think I'll ever forget this.
Ha ha ha ha!
Oh dude, that's why we have the pod, babe.
That's why we have the pod.
Cause you hear stuff like that and you're like,
yo, just don't ever do that.
Remember your dad like stuck his finger down my ass?
Hey!
Yeah, dude, heard the next day at school.
Her dad like stuck his finger down my ass.
Dude.
What a nightmare.
Oh my God.
Need the MIB flash thing for that.
How do you play that off?
Oh my God.
Oh God.
I don't know you at all.
Oh my God.
Dude.
I thought it was you
I can't this is about to be his dad
ever did was let me pump gas in the diesel truck we're talking 45 gallons of fresh American diesel fuel.
I don't know.
I'm literally living on the fork in the road, and I forgot which way to go, so hopefully
the right was the right way to go.
Anyway, we'll figure that out after this, because the freaking psycho fam takes precedence
over directions.
So anyway, I get out and say, hey, fill it up, make sure it's diesel.
I'm like, dad, I know, you film this every freaking time.
Love you, pap, that's all right.
What does my dumbass do?
Diesel!
Damn, thank you, man, just ramp diesel.
So not only did we drop $200 of fuel that day,
freaking that, whatever,
not gonna go on that ramp, but yeah,
too hungy in the toilet.
Quite literally, just can't use it
because it was regular 87 gas and diesel truck.
So we then wait about five hours where
he's trying to figure out who to have come siphon the gas out.
Because again, can't put gas on a diesel.
It could start over, forget about it.
He didn't, thank god he got it.
But I get back to the truck, he's like, hey,
what gas did you put in there?
I'm like, diesel.
He's like, check it right now.
Fricking regular fuel, 87, not even 93.
My god.
So yeah.
Now since then, we've, of course, rectified
the Marisels better.
But dude, that happened.
It was a pissing rain,
just hurricane level weather that day.
And so he's like, I'm gonna go home to your mom
and we'll let you know when the guy's coming.
I'm like, I have to stay here?
He's like, yeah, it's the least you can do.
Well, all right, fair enough.
So I'm in the rain waiting for this guy
just to come and hopefully be able to get it out.
So this little hobbit of a feller,
some Salvadorian guy,
shout out to those folks, great tacos.
He's able to get it all out, thank God.
And yeah, we don't have to give him $200 a regular.
You know, he's gonna quote unquote dump it.
He ain't got, freaking Sally Babes from El Salvador
is not about to dump El gas or into the old forest.
And that's crime fuel, my friend.
No chance.
So we did that and then filled it with another $200 of diesel and that is my dad's silly thing he did.
Kiss the tiff.
Taff. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh Oh yes, can we run the screech back? Hold up dude, top five screech.
Oh, look at the boy riding his Bucky Boy.
Oh, whoa.
Thomas, it's a half.
Ah!
Yeah!
Oh, sorry.
This thing's on.
Yep, that's where you just call 911, bro.
That's where, that's where you just call 911, bro That's where
That's so tricky man. You tell me diesel engines can't run on just straight up
87 Reggie Wayne gas
Musen Muhammad gas can't put that in a in a Ram ext
You know I'm talking about you can't put that in a dually?
That messes up the whole car for real. But damn, who the hell do you call when you need to siphon
gas? That's such a good like... That's why we have the pot! That's why we lift all these weights boys!
Lift all these weights boys!
We're slipping fingers down cracks.
We're filling up cars with the wrong gas.
I would hella make that mistake if I didn't hear that voice message.
I love you Milky Boy, woohoo! Great hear that voice message, I love you milky boy. Whoa, great great voice message
My the only one I didn't know that probably
For some reason I just always think gas station clerks can take care all that stuff
Like if you fill up diesel if you fill up your car with or your diesel engine with regular gas, I feel like you should be able to walk
in the gas station and be like, yo, hey, I messed up dog. And I know you're like trained
for this. They're all like, I can't leave the desk. I'm like, dude, gas station attendees good for nothing
It's my dream job
Bulletproof glass
Just a
Around the horn pardon the interruption on TV rip here on the horn
Working in a gas station barely paying attention that's my dream
then some public private school kid coming up hey I filled my dad's truck up with regular gas I just go like this
Call your dad. The best top three magazines of all time to red flag, which if you get the reference to Seinfeld, I'm impressed
The best material give me Calvin Hobbs
comic book
Magazine robot doll they have for 200
Low-key slam mark him on ATV that was the way to go and I have one
question for you as we just made an abrupt switch up from topics
station about this? Johnson! Ready! Station about this? Anyway I'm gonna go hunty I'm gonna go hang ball
God I love you. I'm gonna go hang call. God, I love you. I'm gonna go hang call.
Talking about magazines, station, how about that? Station, how about that?
Reading the magazines, you know, dude,
you can't really get magazines at the airport anymore.
Are magazines dead?
Remember ESPN, the magazine?
I don't care what you say, bro.
Sports Illustrated was kind of nerdy then ESPN the magazine came out washed them
His sports illustrated didn't hold that candle to ESPN the magazine oh
No, we have sports illustrated swimsuit edition kind of gross kind of weird you nerds. Oh
My god, did you see the sports illustrated swimsuit edition your friends at school in third grade?
Oh my god, my dad got it in the mail yesterday. Did your dad?
No, we're not subscribed actually we're not millionaires oh
My god, I like ripped out two pages before he found out.
And they're in my room under my bed.
Hey, I'll just look at normal porn like a regular guy.
You want to come over and see it?
I'll just find a magazine in the woods at my grandpa's house like a normal U.S.
citizen.
Sports Illustrated having the swimsuit edition not talked about enough.
Oh, we're making a big fuss about Hooters twin Peaks.
What about all those nerds looking at boobs for free? Kind of a weird
magazine. Just all of a sudden? You're just dropping boobs? Ricky Williams, Manny Ramirez, Mark McGuire,
Tim Duncan, tits.
Oh.
Okay, Sports Illustrated.
All of a sudden I'm in trouble now because you put boobs in my mailbox.
That's it!
That's something I would get in trouble for too.
Magazine Day at school.
Mom, can we get Sports Illustrated for a year?
It's only 1199
Yeah, if you're good, you're not I know you're not gonna be good. You have to wash the dishes every day
We get it first step is it first magazine comes in the mail boobs
In trouble for four years Jesus Christ, I didn't know I didn didn't know the Sports Illustrated schedule. Nine, nine.
But ESPN, the magazine, bro?
Put Sports Illustrated into next week.
That fat magazine, ESPN, the magazine, it wasn't like a rectangle shape, dude.
ESPN, the magazine, ESPN the magazine, it wasn't like a rectangle shape, dude. ESPN the magazine was like a newspaper.
When that shit came, when that came in your mailbox,
I don't even know if they put it in your mailbox.
Wouldn't fit too thick.
They just threw it on your porch. Extra, extra.
Jason Taylor's on the cover.
Yeah, but why was it OK when ESPN the magazine had the body issue?
Boobs on Sports Illustrated? You're a pervert! Jason Taylor naked on ESPN the magazine?
Let me see that
That's what his butt looks like from the profile view, okay
Oh, that's what his butt looks like from the profile of you, okay
My dad put a spoon in a blender as it was on
You can imagine
You know, yeah
I love you. I
Love I love it. That was the last voice message, but I love you guys so much man. Can it- you just say that! No, I really do. I really do.
We're all- same brain. Same brain. We figured it out.
This is a- this is a club. This is a family and we all have the same exact brain
Who's not putting a spoon in the blender though, bro
Blenders are just waiting to chop your hand off make a mess. Is it even worth it?
I'm gonna be I'm gonna be a hundred percent real right now and you're not gonna be shocked at all
Because we have the same brain never used one
For what for what
Every girl though has just goes back to the food thing girls should make food because they know how
Guys should not make food because they'll put spoons in the blender and chop their fingers off
Who you want to make a smoothie who will be sick more successful at making a smoothie your dad or your mom a boy or a girl
Did your mom will make that smoothie put it in a clear glass
Fill it up to the top.
She'll probably put a crazy straw in it.
Maybe a little umbrella with toothpick.
Maybe a little orange on the side.
Put it right in front of your face.
On a nice little placemat.
Oh, thanks mom
Your dad won't even get to step to hey plug this down or the ladies
Where's the lid
He's doing that thing where he's holding the top of it with a plate You know when you don't have like a you can't find the lid for something you put a different lid on the thing he's got a plate upside down
puts it in the wrong cup you're like why did you put this in a coffee mug
just just drink it jeet i'm like i don't want this anymore
I'm like, I don't want this anymore. Happy Father's Day.
Sick voice messages.
I love you guys.
Cringe mode of the week.
This just popped into my head.
This is a bad one.
This is a bad one. the Indianapolis 500 hit me up
hey you want to drive in a car with Mario and ready I'm like yeah first
things first is it gonna going to be recorded?
Because if it's not recorded, honestly, don't really care to.
Cool. I don't know.
It's going to be recorded.
All right. I'll make a vlog or something out of it.
Something like that. Okay.
Pull up to the Speedway.
Wow. Happy to have you.
Thanks. Can't wait.
Where's Mario?
I almost I almost call a call Mario and ready like seven other
F1 drivers names. Sorry. So disrespectful.
So but I just don't know anything about it.
Like, oh my God willpower.
Nice to meet you. You know, just saying all their names to come
a sat to nice to meet you.
Oh.
I thought Mario Andretti was like a younger guy.
It's an older guy, but I'm like, whatever, that's cool.
It's my turn to go.
It's a two seater.
I get in the back.
Are you excited?
Pretty scared.
But this is on me. Cringe moment of the week. He takes off and we're going.
And I'm telling you, I just scream at the top of my lungs the whole time. Just kind
of wanted to see what he would do, what he would say. I kind of think we almost hit the wall
and I was going, oh my God, he's drunk.
I was saying stuff like that.
I was saying, I know, okay, cringe moment of the week.
Talking about a legend here.
So disrespectful.
Don't know if he heard a word I said, don't think he did.
I don't know if he heard a word I said don't think he did
I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna throw up. I'm card. I was just saying shit. I was just saying shit
Just going kind of cuz I was like who cares you know I mean I didn't care so disrespectful
Email them after everything it was great. Oh my god. Thanks for coming. Thank you so much
We'll email you the footage perfect week goes by hey, did you ever send that footage we lost it ah
They heard everything I said in there
They decided not to send me the footage.
Because I was saying Mario and Dredd, he was drunk the whole time he was driving around in an Indy 500 car.
Would I do it again? Yes. Did I think we were actually going to die the whole time? Absolutely.
C-c-c-c-cringe moment of the week. Let's do days.
Thursday. Today. You can't be serious right now and I kind of think
this day pops up every two weeks on this podcast. Is
someone playing a trick on me for days of the week this whole time? Peanut
Butter Cookie Day or do I just think about that every day so I think it's on
days of the week?
It's the it's the cookie that won't let you down
Chocolate chip cookie yeah, yeah, it's cube. It's it's actually not even QB one. It's wide receiver one
flashy wide receiver one. Flashy.
All the girls love it. Oh my God.
Chocolate chip cookie, okay.
Oh man, those chocolate, remember the, hey.
Real question, what was better?
The chocolate chip cookies your mom made
or your high school cafeterias? Why your why did the chocolate chips at your high school cafeteria?
clear
Why they set the bar for the rest of your life
Chocolate chip cookies in height. Oh my hey, I've never seen more of an outbreak in my entire life and I'm dead serious
Than the time they changed the recipe of the chocolate chip cookies at my high school. What?
No
Wait, why?
teachers
super intent the president
the archbishop archdiocese Teachers. Super intent. The president.
The archbishop.
Archdiocese.
Wait, wait, wait, excuse me? Everyb- the dean? Wait, why is that?
Everybody up in arms.
And you know what happened?
The next day, big cookie reveal new new
Recipe
They were better
How and we didn't want to believe it we did there was a day where it was like I mean
The they were like softer before they were better
They do that. There's something just did we
all have the same cookie company no high school's chocolate chip cookies were bad
why'd we all even have them anyway but they were just raw they were so soft you
don't say the T hey can I try one of those cookies? Yeah, it looks really soft.
Warm. Warm. I'm talking about these cookies were so warm,
you could be outside in the snow
for an extended period of time, sledding down a hill.
Freezing.
freezing
and you put those chocolate chip cookies on your back
instantly warm
two cookies on my back if I'm ever cold hey bring the cookies in
I don't know I don't need a coat I don't need gloves I don't need gloves, I don't need new socks, I don't need thick socks
Put two high school chocolate chip cookies on my back
Ahhhh!
Ahhhh!
Wake me up! Wake me up! I can't wake up!
Put two cookies on my back and save me!
Call my name and save me from the cold he has to you know those you know
when people have like the marks on their back from cupping I don't I have those
marks on my back cuz somebody put cookies all over my back night I was with this guy and it was so weird.
He told me to go back to his high school, get 16 cookies and put them on his back because
he was cold.
And I was like, what are you talking about?
What if I just got you a blanket and he was like put the cookies on my back right now
LOL Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay but the old cookie bag here comes old cookie back
All right anyway
Besides the chocolate chip cookies at your high school
Peanut butter cookies you can rely on you can hang your hat on PB cooks
They're always that they're out. They're not as soft as oatmeal raisin, but they're always like, okay. God, they're just delightful, bro. And I think your
expectations are low, so they kind of surprise you too. PB Cooks, PB Cooks. I'm
telling you, bro, those, it's just only girls can do it.
Guys can't make cookies that are just soft.
I've never been able to do it.
I've made cookies a lot and tried to do it,
but like I just, I just don't have it in me.
I can't, they're always a little hard and I'm like,
how, do you cook them for seven seconds to get them like that?
Girls, no.
My high school girlfriend made me so many,
so many peanut butter cookies. Oh my god. The Betty Crocker ones in the bag.
All in my locker. Every Friday hammering eight. Just could not believe how good they were.
Every bite. And there were the cookies that were just falling apart dude
Just not eat. How did they even get in here?
They didn't stand a chance. They were so good. I was just pulling them out
Cookies so good. You're pulling them out of the bag
Just pulling peel cooks dude always PB always so good
Friday movie night the thought of it
Sounds amazing
Hey get the blankets out. Let's make it my I never I never, I never, I didn't coin this term.
But at my friend's house, we would have like movie night.
Just the guys.
TBH.
And we just put blankets all over the ground.
Blankets and pillows on the ground?
So much more fun than sleeping in a bed.
My friend said it one time. He's's like yo, let's make a palette
A palette's a perfect word for this
Let's make a palette you're so right
Such a guy word to sleep with your boys
Hey, this is a little gay
We're all dudes. You want to watch a movie together. We want to sleep under the same blankets.
Almost kind of cuddle a little bit. Kind of flirt maybe too.
Maybe that kind of hit each other and stuff like that. Whole idea. Pretty sus.
What should we call it? Palate.
Blankets on the ground! Get it set up!
Sleep next to your dad in a bed?
You're gay. Sleep next to your dad on a palette?
You did the right thing.
Sleep next to your homie on a bed? Hey, did you guys kiss?
Gay. Sleep next to your homie on a palette. It's like cute
I bet that was a good time
Night you'll never forget
Palettes Saturday outlet shopping day how'd that slip in there
that was my getaway as a kid outlet mall weekend it was like one every six
weekends all I did as a kid was go to the mall on the weekend it was like one every six weekends all I did as a kid was go to
the mall on the weekend it's the only thing I can really remember god it was
so much fun too and I'll do it every weekend for the rest of my life if I have
the choice kind of the only reason I want to have a family you're like
talking about that a lot Shut up
If I have a family just know just know
That they're gonna be all be girls and we're going to the mall every weekend no matter what
But outlet mall weekend, it was special. There was something in the air, the trip there, the trip back, are we going to get food?
What if mom lets me get a candy bar this time?
Never has, never will, but what if just this one time she does? What stores are gonna be there? I don't know. They interchange them all the time.
I hope that one store is still there. We just never knew because we had the internet,
but they didn't like update that kind of stuff on the internet. I promise there was a store I
went into that had all the like flag, you know know like Saturdays are for the boys flags all those flags for different
teams and that's that was the whole store I was like oh my god one day my mom she goes pick four
Best day of my life. I have no idea why.
I picked a Boston Red Sox.
I picked a Maryland Terrapins.
What else did I pick?
I think I picked a Cincinnati Bearcats.
There was one more, man.
There was one more.
For no reason.
Just cause they had cool fonts.
Best day of my life.
Sunday.
Father's Day.
Shout out to last Father's Day.
Pretty depressing day.
Played putt putt with my dad.
He beat me and I was running to hole 18.
He looked at me and said, when's the last time you did something athletically, B?
Never forget that.
Because I looked like a slob when I was running.
Feet out.
Heavy heels. all heavy foot. Hey old lead foot
Turkey lovers day god dang
So get me started on that don't get me started on that don't get me still don't let Don't get me started on that. Don't get me started on that.
Don't let me think about Subway turkey subs.
It's the king of subs. Turkey? Yeah, turkey. Turkey is the king sub.
QB1 sub. Ham? Kind of a weirdo sub to buy who's getting a ham sub ew
Sometimes you get all freaky. You know you shouldn't do it. I'll take the Italian BMT or whatever
Chicken teriyaki they always put too much sauce on it chicken bacon ranch
Okay, let's settle down here
but a turkey sub
Never the wrong time to get a turkey sub clean on wheat I
Wonder how many times I've said this in my life
Footlong on wheat turkey lettuce tomato pickle cut in half just a little bit of mustard
Does that Sometimes you just go with just go no Just a little bit of mustard Those that
Sometimes you just go with just go no he's talking about subway again. He always talks about subway
That's cuz it's I think it's literally I've spent 70 hours at subway maybe more than that I think 700 hours I was time in at Subway when the walls looked like a newspaper.
Time, dude.
Smells so good.
Subway candle.
I'll drink that at the table.
You give me a Subway candle at the table?
Put it down my throat.
Ol' wax throat.
Every time you cough smells like Italian herbs and
cheese oh my god sorry it's it fam love
you guys happy father's day hey tell
your dad I said happy father's day. Tell him tell him. Hey
Look at me
Tell your daddy love
Look at your dad telling me level give him a call
He may not say anything, but it'll mean the world to them. Let's bring it up. To beat the shit out of St. Pius on three.
One, two, three.
Alright.
Hey, come to the show.
Nashville, can't wait to see you.
Friday and Saturday?
Two shows?
Nash, Nash, Nash, nush Vegas Vegas Vegas.
Might be cat calling too. Just saying.
See you there.
Um.
Join the Patreon. Subscribe to YouTube.
Tell the psychos about the fam.
Gotta grow the fam.
We got clips poppin'.
We got voice messages coming in.
We're doing our thing.
It's going to grow, baby.
One day, one day, we take over the world.
Same brain.
See you next time.
Ha ha.
Bye.