Espresso - dumbest way you almost died

Episode Date: October 14, 2021

🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻����𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) on this episode Ben answers the Espresso Question of the week: what's the dumbest way you almost died? (like CHOKING ON A MOZZARELLA STICK) ben tries to figure out why the heimlich maneuver is the sexiest thing he's ever done, explains why 3 bridesmaids have slapped him across the face during wedding receptions and the confesses to plucking his beard for a year cuz he was scared to shave 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Shot 180. Oh! Oh! Oh, God! Oh, jeez! It's the Espresso Podcast. Ahem. Yeah.

Let's do it. Okay. Guy at a party, forced to freestyle. Huh. Haven't done this in a while. Yeah, back in college, this used to be my thing thing, but let's see if we can do it. My name's Jim from accounting. Yeah.

Wear a lot of different colors. I look like a big motherfucking hot air balloon. Yeah. I don't know where to go from here. Do you want me to keep going? I'm high in the sky Propelled by fire Really motivated all day

Give me a raise Sherry Do you want me to keep going? Alright whatever For lunch I like to go to Qdoba Sometimes Subway Just depends I like to go to Qdoba. Sometimes Subway. Just depends. I like to pick my food through the glass. Sherry, I want to see you shake that ass. Oh my God. I'm so sorry. So stupid. Stupid fucking beat, dude. Oh my God. Am I fired? I didn't mean to say that just slips out when I'm freestyling.

What the fuck? Espresso shot. Um, 180, 180. That's a hot number. 180 baby. Even I swear, dude, we've been on shot fucking one. We've been on the ugliest numbers for so long. I swear it's been shot 179 for fucking 48 weeks. But let's do it. Espresso pod. Hey, remember the Patreon podcast drops every Sunday night. And not me who put the entire thing for all the public to see on YouTube ah whoops

so the Patreon exclusive pod only for the fam was on YouTube for like 8 hours on accident sorry but uh yeah subscribe join the fam on uh Patreon we can get our shit

rolling baby uh I did a little segment Subscribe join the fam on patreon we can get our shit rolling, baby I Did a little segment called what's in my bag? I think you guys will like that on patreon. Let's check it out Let's get into the question quick quick espresso quick quick quick quick quick question of the week Let's talk What was the dumbest way This is a good one man This might be my favorite question

What's the dumbest way you almost died I feel like I might have 17 of these I told one on the podcast I almost got hit by a moving train during my driver's. Oh, I said this on Instagram. I don't know why I said podcast. I almost got hit by a moving train while I was doing my driver's ed final test. I was like, I got this.

The lady that was like doing my test with me, she was like a gym teacher. So I was like, thank God she's going to pass me. I really almost got hit by a train i just wasn't stopping for some reason because there's never a train on these train tracks that i've gone over 8 000 times and this time i don't know what happened i was like i like wasn't sure if i could go like i got like kind of nervous and i was like can i it's like kind of far back there and there were no guardrails up so i was like fuck it right said but she had to like slam on the like the you know there's like that little brake over there for the teacher to hit too in case you really fuck up in this case?

Yeah. The car was like, ah! I just played it off like we weren't going to get hit by a train at all. The front of my car was touching the moving train. I was like, yeah. Anyway, what do you got going on the rest of the day? Oh, shit. This other time, dumbest way you almost died.

This is so stupid. I can't even believe I'm saying this. All right. So me and me and my friends, it like three guys three girls this sounds like a fucking sitcom three guys three girls maybe i don't know how many maybe it's four guys i don't know but we're all in this car and every time and we're like going to someone's like open house or something like this and it's like it's like an hour and a half away. We all get in the car. We go, we can't wait to come back on the way home. I'm like, I'll drive whatever. Like, cause I always think I can drive the best. And that's not the case anymore. Anytime we have to

go anywhere. And I say, I drive everybody's like, no, it's okay. It's okay. I got it. Get in the back fucking seat. But I was, uh, I was like, like I'll drive Because I figured I could do it I don't know why I thought I was so good at driving On the way home we're playing the quiet game Where if you talk you're out And I was like Okay And nobody talked

Like they were playing this fucking game Like crazy It was like everyone was dead quiet For like 20 minutes And I was like Trying to do shit and make people laugh and like nothing was happening. Everybody was trying to get everybody up. My fucking video just turned off. I sound like such a teacher there. Everybody's trying to get everybody

to laugh and I just started going right towards like a steel pole just to see, like, just to get somebody to be like, Hey, and no one said anything. And I got really close to the pole and I was like, and it was like in this girl's mom's brand new car. It's like a, I don't know. It was just, it was like a, she's like, Oh my God, we can take this road trip and take my mom's brand new car. And I was like, all right, let's do it. It was just, it was like a, she's like, Oh my God, we can take this road trip and take my mom's brand new car. And I was like, all right, let's do it. It's going to be fun.

Like in your mom's new car, right towards this pole. I was like this close to it. No one said shit. And I was like, Oh God. And I, I whipped it in our car.

It was like, and we, we're all okay. We're all safe. But we pulled over and she was like, oh my god, and I was in the driver's seat, just like, and she was like, Ben, and I was like, what, she goes, you're not allowed to drive anymore, get in the back seat, she, like, reprimanded me, and I sat in the back seat like a little bitch for the next fucking 25 minutes, like,

in the backseat like a little bitch for the next fucking 25 minutes. Like just took my responsibilities away. And I was, as I sat back there, but I was like, Hey, you lost the game though. Yeah. That's the dumbest way.

I almost died. Holy shit. Uh, let's go through some of these dumbest way. You almost died. Here we go. Iris the Blue Great Dane. It's an actual dog on here.

So I was home alone with my dog just eating my wrap. And I would give her like, you know, the pieces of bread and stuff. And then I took a bite that was way too big, um, decided to try and swallow it anyways, just cause I was so hungry, but my teeth hurt so much. And, um, yeah, I had like 15 seconds of pure panic as I was looking for a place to give myself the Heimlich maneuver. And then finally, as I went to run down my stairs to, like, I don't know, heave myself over a chair or a table or something, it went flying down the stairs. I was gasping for air.

My dog ran down the stairs to eat the giant piece of wrap that I was just choking on. And I've never been so embarrassed while also being alone in my life yo hold on also i'm not gonna lie the 15 seconds where i was choking all i could think about was how sad it would be if i choked and died and my my dog was in my house alone with me for like five hours before dude that dog would have been happy as shit eating the shit that made you almost die though that rap every time i choke on something it's never like i always just have to drink something and

it's gone i've never like even thought about doing the heimlich to myself can you imagine that seeing that like a security camera footage of someone choking at something at work and it was like what a weird ass move the heimlich is bro what is undercover weird sexy move how awkward is that your loved ones like choking one time my dad was like choking on something and I was like I think I'd rather let you die than give your ass time like actually it's kind of weird I don't want your ass grinding up all on me while I'm trying to save your life it's good watch him die oh shit it's kind of weird but you guys know I'm kidding. I'd rather just punch him right in the stomach. Daddy, you're choking. Good. With my luck, some fucking

song would come on while I was doing the Heimlich maneuver. Some weird ass shit. Some Beatles song would probably come on in my dad's house. I'm like, I want to hold your hand. I'd be like, God damn it. Okay, but damn, bro. What'd she say she was eating? A wrap? Was it a wrap from Subway? Yeah, that's probably why you almost fucking died.

So disgusting. Your body's like, no! No! Choke it back up oh shit all right all right all right scott agnes reporter for the pacers what's the dumbest way he almost died i can't wait hey bennett scott appreciate all the jokes especially over the last 18 months definitely need it well finally here was a prompt I could relate with because the dumbest way I almost died was making a wedding party entrance how many times do you see just a wedding party just come in and it's the most corny thing of all time staying alive or leapfrog or I don't know, YMCA or whatever. Yeah, I'm not having that.

We're downtown Indy, Central Library, probably 20 flights of stairs up. Tell my partner, look, we're going to get creative here, but we're going to have some fun. I send her down. She looks gorgeous, gets the spotlight, but then is going to catch me as I slide down the railing, except I don't inspect it ahead of time. It's staticky. I get about five stairs down and get stuck hanging in the balance, somehow flip backward and somehow land on my feet. Otherwise, that could have been reckless. Although, fortunately, a lot of doctors in the crowd. Rich-ass wedding.

One more thing. I found out months later that the wedding planner, the organizer at the Central Library, now make sure to tell every wedding party that comes through there, you must walk down the stairs. Nothing else works because we're not messing around with it. You should have seen her eyes in the photos that were captured because they were priceless fortunately though of course nothing bad happened dude scott agnes a best voice of all time dude did you hear that right that was a whole different level right when i hit play for your indiana pacer i just thought that was going to fuck. I just thought he was going to give me a starting lineup.

I wish. Yeah, that is serious. It had to be on video. Everybody records those. The videographer for the wedding. That job has to suck, by the way. Whoever has to do that. There's a big thing going on.

This should have been 86 News, but... The wedding photographer that decided to quit the wedding job he had because they didn't feed him. Like, how hungry are you, bro? He couldn't, like, sneak some food? I don't know if you guys heard that story or not, but that shit was weird to me. Just go to the gas station, get something to eat real quick while they're doing their fucking little bride and...

Bride and daddy and daughter dance or whatever. But get... Oh, my God. Wedding entrances are... I could see myself dying during a wedding entrance Trying to make it cool Because oh my god There's no good way

Besides that Almost dying and then landing on your feet Scott Agnes style There's no good way to come into a wedding A wedding reception entrance I just Every time I'm in a wedding And I have to do that

I just tell the girl to slap me as hard as she can in the face. I swear to God dude. Every time doesn't never fails. Like two people do leapfrog another one people do like the electric slide. We just go up there the girl goes seriously and I go just do it. Smacks me in the face the whole crowd is like oh my God. And then we just walk to the table and I have a big fucking handprint on my face the rest of the day.

Oh shit. I kind of want to go to a wedding now. It's the weirdest ask. She's like, what are we going to do? Aren't, aren't you like a comedian or something? Can't you like think of something funny to do? And we go in the entrance. I'm like, listen, you're going to spit on your hand.

She's like, you're going to smack me right across my fucking cheek. Are you sure? Like, I've never been more sure. Okay, here we go. Craze. Craze. Craze. Why see? Dumbest way you almost died.

Okay, so I was coming back from a dance performance in Colorado Springs and got in the back of an 89 beater with my scarf stuck outside. And it got stuck in the back wheel and almost strangled me to death. It proceeded to get worse because I lost a beauty mark on my neck and proceeded to wear turtlenecks for the next two and a half weeks because I had burns and bruises. So all my professors thought I was being beat by my boyfriend. Glorious times. Dude. Well, I'm,'m this is this shit is so funny i hold on something about this is really okay so i was coming back from a dance performance in colorado springs and got in the back of an 89 beater with my scarf stuck outside

foreshadowing and it got stuck in the back wheel and almost strangled me to death. Why is that so funny? Oh, shit. It proceeded to get worse because I lost a beauty mark. Why is that so funny to picture that? Am I weird? This is like a dark episode of the podcast, but I don't give a shit. What? Just in her car. Am I weird for This is like a dark episode of the podcast But I don't give a shit What Just in her car

Ah Oh damn Yeah that is a weird ass little situation Anytime anybody has something on their neck Everyone's like did you No God I can't have anything on my neck ever. Who'd you fuck?

I'm like, dude, I play, like, I work out and play sports and shit. Like, anything can happen. I swear, if somebody could have a hickey this fucking big on their neck, I wouldn't even, like, it wouldn't even click in my brain that that's something that would happen. I'd be like oh man Got hit by a softball, huh? Alright, that's I never think of that anytime anything's on anyone's neck. I'm like whoa a Beater all right here. go miss lucy rory it's the dumbest way you almost died here we go

so i was very hung over with one of my friends we both wanted to get and still hung over though fast food i wanted mcdonald's she wanted culver so we went to mcdonald's first got my mcdonald's and then as we're sitting in the culver's drive-thru i was like talking and eating french fries and i started choking on the french fry and like for like a substantial amount of time and my friend did not know what to do i was driving so i still like my foot on the brake i took my foot off the brake and i started rolling forward it was pure chaos it's always fucking choking on the dumbest i was very hung over with one of my friends we both wanted to get fast food i wanted mcdonald's she wanted culver's her voice bro i swear is this shit on fast forward we went to mcdonald's first got my mcdonald's and then as

we're sitting in the culver's drive-thru i was like talking and eating french fries and i started choking on the french fry and like for like a substantial amount of time and my friend did not know what to do I was driving so I still like my foot on the brake I took my foot off the brake and I started rolling forward it was pure chaos I was just listening to her voice I'm in like a weird weird phase of my day right now where I can't like understand anything and i'm just listening to like people talk does that sound weird but yeah i don't know i've choked i've definitely i've choked 8 000 times never on a fry though i always like keep some kind of liquid in my car like no matter what i think if think if i was choking bad enough i'd take down the

fucking wiper fluid. Trying to spray that shit in your mouth. Alright, let's keep going. People not leaving voice messages. What are you doing? Alright, here we go. Hawks fan 1516, what's the dumbest way you almost died? Hey, Ben, love the show.

Hope everything's going well. My dumb near-death experience happened when I was probably four years old. My parents had a 12-foot- foot tall aluminum slide in the front yard and instead of sliding down it one day I decided to try walking down it. I took one step and fell off the side, landed on my back and I laid there for about an hour and no one came out to find me. So finally I just got up and walked inside. Anyway. Anyway. Dude, that's true though.

You can't like get hurt when you're four. He said he was four when he did that shit. It probably helped him somehow. You can't get hurt under the age of 12. When kids, like, break their legs and shit when they're young, I'm like, hmm, never going to be the same. Damn, falling off one of those big-ass hot metal slides, though? Fuck.

Probably a better option than sliding down that thing Fall off the top of a metal slide And break your back Or Get 90 degree burns On your legs Jesus Oh my god There's no way to slide down that shit

Unless you're wearing like sweatpants Unless you're in a potato sack. There's no way to slide down those slides. There we go. Come on, baby. TJ Roser, what's the dumbest way you almost died? So I was in the Army for six years. I got out six years ago.

Well, two years ago. I was at one of my old buddies' house. We were in together. We were shooting a bunch of shit off, having a good time. Decided after we were going to take all their weapons apart, clean them like the old times. Done it so many times, got complacent. Fucking taking my shit apart.

Yeah, I never dropped my clip so when I want to take it apart I put around through my leg came a centimeter away from a femoral artery so that was a good time I don't know what to say about that one bro oh shit I'm sorry about you man Dan that's why I will never even hold a gun bro I hate when there's guns around I can't dude I swear if I held a gun I would blow my fucking foot off

I know it 100% guarantee No I will not touch a gun bro If somebody's ever like come on No One time my neighbor asked me to go hunting with him No, I will not touch a gun, bro. If somebody's ever like, come on. No. One time my neighbor asked me to go hunting with him. And my sister, I think, went over to his house and made him like, like reprimanded him, like sat him down.

It was like, do not ask him to go hunting one more time. Do not. He will blow his fucking hands off. And then he never talked to me again or asked me again. She was so sure, bro. I don't blame her. Alright, ASB underscore 010A. Dumbest thing.

Dumbest way you almost died. Dumbest way I almost died was choking on a mozzarella stick at an Italian restaurant. And my ex is standing up and screaming at the top of his lungs, are you okay? As I'm choking. And when I say the whole restaurant stopped,

the entire restaurant stopped and is looking and walking over, trying to see if I'm okay. While I'm choking, I could still feel it really good. So I started to get one really good cough. And I did. And the bite was literally still attached from being strung down the back of my throat. And I coughed it back out in front of everybody in the restaurant.

Everybody clapped and I got my food for free. So worked out. Dude, I think a lot of people have choked on a mozzarella stick. That's like a very common theme. I think like everybody has. Got my food for free. I'm just going to go into every restaurant and fake choke.

Just free meals. No! No! No! No! Oh, I can't stop laughing. I'm fucking imagining these people. Just on the ground, fucking food all over their face and shit.

I'd have to get in the weirdest position. Why don't you guys just, why don't people, I feel like I'm going to jinx myself and choke on some shit later. Sounded way too weird. But I would just drink, I'd drink like a full gallon of water if i was choking on something right am i stupid john i i can't believe this many people sent voice messages i love this john boind seven dumbest way you almost died. The dumbest way I almost died was I fell asleep and joy road, the subway from Brooklyn to the Bronx and back. And I'm surprised I'm still here. Yeah.

No shit, dude. Every single subway. I'm like, what? Like what? We're like, who's gonna die

Even going down in that tunnel is fucked up That's so dangerous bro I would definitely do that though Just fall asleep in a subway God that kind of feels That kind of sounds good right now Alright let's do Let's do one more

Here we go liam pinero what's the dumbest way you almost died hey ben it's liam pinero the guy that shit himself with the wit bro listen to this stupid shit when i was probably like 11 years old remember how they used to have those pop tart go tarts thing they were like the longer like skinny pop tarts that you could like eat on the go and shit. Dude, I was eating one of those one day, but I put it in the toaster first. And it like flipped over onto its side. And bro, I tried to get it out by jamming a fork into the toaster to like stab it and like fucking get it out. Bro, I didn't know that shit could explode a toaster but

it can so don't try it if you're thinking about it anyways love the show keep doing your thing all right fam i don't it just doesn't surprise me at all that people wouldn't put a fork in the toaster it's so logical but it really does like who like i still i i kind of don't think it would happen is it does that is that true to this day you can't put a fork in the toaster still what are you supposed to do jesus christ man you could tell me putting a fork in the toaster would kill me and i'd be like i still might uh i need to get my pop tart out of there i'm still gonna do it what am i supposed to use just have chopsticks on hand oh all right

that's it i think Damn That was fun We gotta have one more Come on baby One more Did him Sounded weird Did that one Yeah that's it

Alright thank you guys for sending those in That was the Espresso Question of the week Alright now let's go viral Viral My throat's fucked up Okay Oh and remember the Espresso podcast is brought to you by WaveOne Media.

If you want to start your own show, visit thewaveone.com. In viral, the segment we're about to do is where I take the most popular hashtags on the internet and just talk a little shit about them. So there we go. Hashtag found grandma's handbag I don't know what that's supposed to mean Is that like from a nursery rhyme or some shit? Found grandma's handbag

The only time I ever One time I walked in on my grandma This sounds so fucked up But I was at my grandma's and I walked into the bathroom because that's just where all the shit was and she couldn't hear me or something or didn't know I was coming in I walked in and she had this mirror super close to her face and she was like plucking her like mustache or some and i walked in she put it all away real fast and she's like hey i just walked right back out i was like okay i was getting ready to do the same exact thing. We should have shared the fucking mirror, grandma, but never mind.

A little self-conscious. Goddamn. I really probably went in there and did the exact same thing to my fucking unibrow. Oh, shit. That's all. That's all. Half of my life is just plucking my fucking face hair. At one time in eighth grade, I like started to get like hair on my face.

Like I had like 17 hairs on my face like around here. And I was like, what the fuck? It was literally eighth grade. We had eighth grade graduation that night. And I was so ashamed and pissed off that hair. I just thought I never was going to have hair on my face and I didn't want it. I didn't never wanted a beard. Still don't. I just want to be a baby face bitch my whole life. Smooth as shit. I shaved my face smooth as hell until like last year, dude. That shit feels so good when it's smooth. I don't know why I did that. I feel like I'm in the, I felt like I was in the military for a minute. It probably

looked like it too. I look so weird without facial hair. Looking back, like in my phone, like pictures of my phone. I'm like, why didn't you guys tell me I looked like it too. I look so weird without facial hair. Looking back, like, in my phone, like, pictures in my phone, I'm like, why didn't you guys tell me I looked like that? But I had, like, 17 hairs on my face, and I fucking, instead of shaving, I just plucked them all out. Like, when I get some, like, give me some good lighting and a good mirror, bro. It's a rat. I'll pluck my face for fucking two and a half hours

but yeah i used to pluck instead of shave is that the toughest thing you've ever heard i'll kick your fucking ass about it the skeletons in hashtag the skeletons in my closet God damn There's always one part of everybody's closet That I don't even wanna That you don't even wanna look at I just have a bag of fucking cords in my closet Every time I see that bag I'm like

Ah Fuck it I start doing something else I'll put that shit off forever I hate that part of my closet Bunch of shit I don't use anymore Don't know what to do Don't want to carry it to my car

And take it to fucking Goodwill Everybody has a little Junk drawer in their closet Hashtag Everybody has a bag of cords somewhere man Just extension cords Weird cable cords Don't even have cable anymore

Those uh somewhere, man. Just extension cords. Weird cable cords. They don't even have cable anymore. Those, uh, whatever the hell they are. They have like a bunch of, oh, power strip. Power strip. Hashtag fake 007 facts. James Bond, dude. What a sexy motherfucker.

How come half of those movies was just him, like, hooking up with girls? I was always like, do we have to every time? Like, just save the goddamn world for once. He's always like. Okay, we get it, bro. You're the sexiest secret agent ever We know God Every time I was like

And then that one time they just Changed him There was like 70 007 movies And then just like Movie 68 there's this guy that kind of like Looks like not him at all Has like a buzz cut with gray hair I'm like

Another guy wasn't available Or what I hate when like movie Series change actors and actresses So much I'm like I can't even fucking Pay attention it's not the same hashtag odd things to be

indecisive about I can't make a decision for shit I am so weird I'm just trying to figure out like the root of my indecisiveness and I swear to god I think it's I'm just trying to figure out like the root Of my indecisiveness And I swear to god I think it's

I think it's Being in the drive-thru Like the way my dad treated me In a drive-thru Come on Pick your food I don't even know if I'm hungry anymore Come on Pick your food I'm like dad we don't even know if I'm hungry anymore. Come on! Pick your foot!

I'm like, dad, we're in Fazoli's, bro. There's not going to be anybody behind us for the next six days. Let's go! People are different species in drive-thrus. That's probably what it was. That and then checking every single item in the bag while there's 94 cars behind us. That's why I'm indecisive.

That's where my anxiety started. Not giving a presentation in class, none of that. It's when I had to check 49 Whopper Juniors to see if there were mayonnaise on them or not. One by one with 16 cars behind us. Hurry up! Just me fucking taking apart every Whopper Jr. Repackaging.

I should have damn near... I got that rap full down. I should have just worked at BK. Hashtag not found in Wikipedia. How about you... How you can just change Wikipedia? Doesn't that seem kind of weird? Like we, Wikipedia is like the source of all information, but it's so sketched that anybody can just change it real quick.

Like, why is that an option? Why is that an option? I hate Wikipedia around the Christmas, like around the holidays. They're like, donate. You're like, oh my God, bro. I won't come to this website anymore if you're going to treat me like that. Donate, please.

I'm like, actually, I'd rather donate to, I'd rather donate to Wikipedia than anything else. St. Jude's Children's Center. I'm like, dude, don't they have enough money? Do you want to donate to the hospital? I'm like, bro, they have all the money in the world. I'd rather donate to Wikipedia.

Good God. They have all the money. And I don't have any. So, figure it out. Signs you were a 90s kid. Hashtag signs you were a 90s kid. This entire podcast. Literally.

I could talk about 90s being in the summer. In the 90s for a whole, for like 14 hours straight. Goddamn. Hashtag late at night. No, hashtag traumatic movie moments. Did I watch American Horror Story the other day? That was the most fucked up thing I've ever seen. Movies are always so much worse than I expect they're going to be.

Like when something happens in movies, I'm messed up for like the next two days. Dude, that shit got me. It was about like a house, murder house. Oh, don't watch that. If you have like things to do the next day, the whole next day I was like, I don't know if I'm, I don't know. I don't know what I am anymore. I was so weird after that. I didn't even finish it. It was so fucked up. But I kind of want to watch it again. That bad part of Happy Gilmore will stick with me forever.

Yeah, that could be an espresso question. What's a movie moment that sticks out to you in a weird way? That part in Happy Gilmore where uh happy gilmore has like a good vision about like chubbs playing the piano and like his grandma's dancing and stuff and then he has like a bad one and shooter mcgavin the guy he's like facing off with in the whole entire movie starts making out with his grandma but his grandma's wearing a kiss mask And this guy's just sucking on her tongue Dude I will never not think about that Every time anyone kisses

Or anything happens like that That's what I think of Just shoot her McGavin Oh shit Alright let's do days Days of the week This is where I break down Each national day

For the next week You know how it's always like Each day has a national day like Thursday Thursday National Be bald and be free day Whoops Oh shit fuck that day up I combed my hair for the first time the other day

and I was like this shouldn't be here hair transplant talk I can't believe my hair stays in my head that's a weirdest shit of all time I can't believe it hair stays in my head. That's the weirdest shit of all time. I can't believe it's still in there. The weirdest transplant ever. I can't believe that worked. Like, how? I don't even know. I want the video evidence, though. I just want to know why.

I just want to know why I had two bruises on the back of my thighs when I woke up from that surgery. So weird. What? And the next day was so funny, too they're like hey after your transplant uh make sure everything's okay uh we'll send you home get some sleep you know elevate your head and come in tomorrow morning don't touch anything that's the most important thing don't touch anything come in tomorrow morning and uh we'll do like your post operation uh we'll give you directions and what to do and all that stuff so come into the office tomorrow morning and i was like okay whatever

so they did it all i was all up all day next morning they said don't touch your head next morning i came into the office with literally blood just rushing down my face just had that completely normal they're like seven secretaries In the area when you walk in People waiting for shit That didn't even have to do with hair transplants It's in a big building full of other shit I was just like how you doing? Hey!

Blood on my neck I was like what's up? Like a bandage on my head You can see the top of my head still With like the weird blood hair. What's going on? How you guys doing? You got any coffee back here?

Oh, shit. Friday. Friday. National Cheese Curd Day. Cheese curds, man. That's one of those things I wouldn't be able to order just because of the name. Cheese curd?

Rename it. Rename it! That's Dairy Queen's fault. They should call them like cheese bops or some shit. Why is it cheese curds? That makes me think of some disgusting ass farm i'll take the cheese curds that's a new one i'll take the loaded potato i'll take the cheese curds what are you having yeah that's me in a drive-through um

i love lucy day national i love lucy day that show is I love Lucy Day National I love Lucy Day That show is Was that show in black and white? God damn that's some old shit I just said I think it was though I love Lucy Lucy was a psycho Her husband just had no idea

That was such a weird show That like time of shows TV Land Does anyone know what I time of shows. TV Land. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? TV Land? That shit was weird. That family matter Steve Urkel and shit. But God, when shows like that,

or literally when any shows have a Halloween theme attached to them like right now, why is it the best? It's way different than Christmas because it's expected. There's never an Easter episode because who gives a shit about Easter? They should just take Easter off, dude. I'm good on Easter. Weirdest holiday. Something weird always happens before Easter and I feel like fucked up that day.

I'm like, happy Easter, but I got other shit on my mind. It's never like, Easter, have fun. It's always raining. No one knows what to do. All right, I guess we're done. You have some chocolate? I always feel, something fucked up always happens the day before Easter, and I'm always dealing with it on Easter.

I'm like, God damn it. Yeah, but Halloween-themed shows, like around this time, boy, I swear to God. Halloween's the most lit holiday. Do we have to? Do we have? Right? Oh, shit, it's lit because it's real. Because it's real. Because it's real.

National. Let's go Saturday. Saturday. National Dictionary Day. Oh my God. I have PTSD from dictionaries. My mom telling me to look up fucking words. The easiest word would be like,

Mom, how do you spell... Sometimes I... Like, the word rhythm always gets me to this day. Rhythm. Rhythm and apparel. Similar apparel and rhythm. It was like rhythm or something. I was like, Mom, how do you spell rhythm?

Like, come on, real quick. I'm at homework. She was like, look it up. I'm like, fuck. Guess I was like, mom, how do you spell rhythm? Like, come on real quick on my homework. She'd be like, look it up. Fuck. I guess I'm getting that one wrong. She just didn't know how to spell it either though. That's why. My dad would fucking, if I asked my dad to spell anything, him making me look it up didn't even cross his mind He would My dad would give me answers like nothing That's why I always want to do homework with my dad

He would just give me all the answers I'd be like thank fucking god My mom would make me work for that shit I was like I'm waiting for dad to get home to do homework dude Look it up Shit Sunday Look it up! Shit.

Sunday. National Pasta Day. I just can't even eat pasta anymore because of so many goddamn carbs. Every time I look at a big bowl, I'm just like, it's just a bunch of bread. Best pasta, though? It's the penne, baby. What's the actual name for penne?

I'll never forget when I didn't know the name of penne. My dad asked me what kind of pasta I wanted, and I didn't know any of the Italian names because I'm like diet Italian. I'm like SpaghettiOs Italian. There's another name for it. Ziti? It might be Ziti. But Panay's the best pasta, dude.

I didn't know the name for Panay one time, and I just go, uh, the tubes with lines. My dad was like, the fuck get out of here tubes with lines he's like you don't know this shit you're Italian you should know this shit Papa you never fucking told me. All right. Papa. Just start being all Italian after that. You never fucking told me. The most Italian thing I've ever done in my life is just put on way too much cologne and...

That's it. All right. That's it Alright That's the pod baby Shot 180 Espresso Podcast with Ben Palitzi Remember to join the Patreon Become fam Get an extra episode every week With some fried shit on it

I'd appreciate it man I love you guys. Thanks for listening. Leave a little review. Rate it. Tell the homies. And I'll talk to you guys next week.