Espresso - dumbest ways to get hospitalized

Episode Date: November 3, 2022

🔥𝗠𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗵 https://benedictmerch.com/ 🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🟣𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso-w-benedict-polizzi/id1514492317 🟢𝗦𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘆 https://open.spotify.com/show/1Ka4dMrpfGxYPGZsUJ1Csf 🔸𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 https://www.cameo.com/benedictpolizzi?utm_campaign=profile_share 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸 https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺 https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

What's up, fam? Welcome to another episode of The Espresso Podcast. I'm your host, Benedict Polizzi. This is shot 235. Hey, remember, benedictmerch.com for all your new shit. Look at this. I told you. Ta-fa-merch At benedictmerch.com. In the bio, all that. We're going to have a little Christmas drop soon, so shh. Make a list and check it twice. Remember, Patreon, $5 a month for an extra episode every week.

I just recorded it, and it was sexy. I don't give a shit on Patreon. But here I got to keep it kind of cool. You know, got to keep it cool. Fam knows fam though. You know what I mean? I don't know what that means either, but you get it. Patreon $5 a month. Uh, and these guys podcasts with Joey Molinaro, me and Joey just chilling every week, dude. It's a good podcast. Every Tuesday morning it comes out. Subscribe. Yeah. Check it out. All right. Let's, uh, let's talk. God damn. I love this shit. What's the espresso question of the week? I don't even fucking know. What's the dumbest thing you've ever gone to the hospital for?

What's the dumbest thing you've ever gone to the hospital for? I told you guys what mine was. God, I'm an idiot, bro. I was at a nightclub, bro. I was like 21. Can you imagine? Oh, I thought, oh, people had to be like, what are you doing? What are you wearing?

Bro, I would just go to clubs when I was 21 and just scream two chains at the top of my lungs people had to be like girls had to be like oh my god bro oh if i only fucking knew i'm so glad i didn't i would wear like polos jeans i swear to god i'd wear the dumbest fucking shit i didn't care at all i'm glad i'm kind of glad i guess i don't i don't care now either but fuck dude i'd wear like wristband dude what was i doing i had no clue i don't even i don't think i bought a drink at a bar till i was like 26 no clue but uh i thought i was i was just so i was probably fucked because we would just get drunk at like the house or wherever the fuck we were and then we'd go out and not spend any that was our goal dude try not to spend any money you know i mean it's like a good goal to have but like be more like broke ass guy and uh i don't know like i was like it was the end of the night and i was just being

a fucking idiot and i like try to stomp on this cup dude i thought it was like a plastic cup and i thought it was gonna like shatter on the ground and be like really cool and no one was even watching so i don't even know why i did i was just like yeah try to stomp on this cup and i thought it was gonna be like add a fucking club and dude the cup went right through my fucking shoe and foot and i was just walking i was like oh and i was just walking around and there's just a trail of blood everywhere i was like what the fuck went to the hospital dude i had a girlfriend she was dude she didn't even go to the hospital with me she was like i was like i don, I don't blame you. The next day I was like, I can't believe you didn't help me. Such a fucking idiot.

Let's hear yours. It's the dumbest thing you did to go to the hospital from anonymous. I had to get eight stitches on my eyebrow from the scope of a rifle the first time i ever shot a gun but my grandma took me to arby's worth it that five for five will fucking make anything better especially a little fucking eye boo-boo and plus like when you get stitches on your eyebrow that shit looks cool as fuck i'm about to hit my goddamn face with a shovel after this just so i can have one of those chunks taken on my eyebrow fuck oh shit bro you got those cuts shaved in your eyebrow no i just stepped on a fucking rake what bro if i ever shot a gun oh that would be the that would be the best case scenario for me

if i shot a gun for it to fucking oh god hit me in the eye if i ever shot a gun that shit would fucking boomerang and then the bullet would go through the back of my head i swear dude i would have the worst luck don't ever take me to the shooting range bro there'll be it's dude i swear to god don't take me to a shooting range i'll fucking blow my arm off just cuz just cuz i'd have like a hundred percent chance that's happening hundred percent chance like on the weather app hundred percent chance of rain me at a fucking shooting range hundred percent chance i'm gonna put a fucking bullet hole in my rib cage that's wild though arby's after that

if there's one thing that i would want after getting fucked up by a gun it'd be a beef and cheddar we have the meats we have the scars the curly fries after getting bucked in the face with a gun ah you'll take a large curly fry. You dip it in that little fucking soft cup of ketchup. And just pull that thing out like a fucking slinky. Those little soft ketchup cups. I mean, I get you're being like eco-friendly. But like, bro, can we upgrade?

Those ketchup cups are like nothing. Those ketchup cups are like when you, like a wet newspaper is holding your ketchup. Like, dude. And ketchup's the only reason I eat out. Ta-ha. Let's keep going. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear benji happy birthday to you that wasn't even a fucking answer that was just somebody saying happy birthday hey i low-key hate it when girls do that thing with their voice and they get real deep though like christina aguilera like right here i hate that right here one more time oh happy i hate that. I hate it when singers, their whole thing is that.

I'm like, no! Anybody can! Anybody can! Anybody can! That is not a talent. I hate that shit. But thank you. I'm such a bitch now the rest of the song was really good

but just like in general not like that not like her but just like when Christina Aguilera I used to fucking love Christina Aguilera like I was upset still am a little bit but uh she used to always hit that and i'd be like why you ruined it

that's art you're a fucking dick that's art shut up it's my fucking ears i can like what i like that was my producer ashley that's art you fucking dick she's my queen shut up shut up all right here we go let's keep going okay so weirdest reason i've you know when somebody starts with okay it's about to get fucking hot ever been to the hospital was when i was little i used to wear earplugs when i went swimming but they weren't like the little squishy foam kind it was like a like a putty that you just stuck in your ears to keep the water out and so um i did that and when we got done swimming i took them out but i still like couldn't hear in one ear and so my mom looked in my ear and she was like, oh, my God, you've got this. Oh, my God, your smoke alarm in your ear. What the fuck?

And so she took me to the ER and they had to, like, use surgical, like, tweezers to get the earplug putty out of my ear. And I've never felt so stupid in my entire life. Oh, fuck. never felt so stupid in my entire life oh fuck you're definitely the girl that jumped in the pool like this too though if you had putty in your ears you know you did people that plug their nose when they jump in the pool be more of a little fucking bitch. You know? Because just let it ride, bro. Get the chlorine up your nose.

What's going to happen? It's going to go in your brain, and what's going to happen? Has that ever happened? Probably. You had putty in your ears. You know what, though? How good did it feel when the doctor tweezed that putty out of your ear? This is the noise you made.

it feel when the doctor tweezed that putty out of your ear? This is the noise you made. I think I got it. I think I got it. Pass me the tweezers. Pass me the other tweezers. Perfect. Got it. Got it. I'm going to pull on three. Three, two, one. This is you. oh oh oh oh oh o'reilly's o'reilly's the doctor's like we took uh the putty editor here your ear seven minutes ago. Are you still singing? Oh, shit. That probably felt so good. Low key. I'm going to put some putty in my ears right after this and take a bath. Man found dead in Indianapolis.

Took a bath, had putty in his ears. You know you're not supposed to do that. Oh, shit. Hey, fix your goddamn smoke alarm what's going on you're banned from the podcast if you don't fucking change those batteries and i know who you are stand on a chair you got no excuses if there's one fucking thing express express law if there's one rule on this podcast you change your fucking smoke detectors just keep going i love you though the dumbest time i went to the hospital was without a doubt when i was on vacation in miami um about three years ago and a pigeon flew into my face um full force just flying low

i was walking on the sidewalk with my friends and uh an actual pigeon flew full force um right between my eyes like above my nose thankfully it didn't hit my eyes at all. But yeah, I went to a hospital because of a pigeon. That's so fucking funny. I would be, oh, I would, I'd probably hate birds forever if that happened to me. Dude, if a bird hit me square in the face oh i would look at every other bird and be like what the why you idiots then how how crazy would you look if you're just in the middle of the street in miami just yelling at birds they'd be like oh he's homeless don't worry about him fuck you and you and you on that telephone wire. Shut up. What was that?

Just yelling at birds and shit. Actually, it'd be completely normal in Miami. They'd be like, oh, he's just on drugs. Maybe that's why homeless people are always yelling at birds and shit, dude. They keep getting hit in the fucking face with them. Oh, God. Hey. Next time, that's not going fly neither are you no but damn that would dude i'd be dude my biggest fear oh my biggest fear is a bird

fucking flying into my mouth like when i'm like uh like what if i was yelling hey and a bird just right into my mouth i'd be like all those feathers in your mouth. You know when people are like, I don't like the texture of pickles. Like that's my texture. I finally figured it out. The texture I don't like a fucking bird in my mouth. But if the bird went in my mouth and turned around and stuck its little head out of my mouth like this. Stuck its head out of my mouth and it was just like. I'd be like, okay, you can stay there. Skip con.

Uh-oh, two-parter. Hey, dude. So I got a hospital story for you. I was at a show one time and I had earplugs in because it was so loud and everything. So as I went to go take out my earplug, my finger pushed the little tab on the earplug that you're supposed to pull out. So it literally folded into my ear. literally fold it into my ear so as i'm leaving the show i go across the street and go into the bar and i ask for tweezers or my friends ask for tweezers and they try to get it out which then it shoves it in even more so i have an earplug lodged into my ear so i go up to the cops outside the bar cops don't do shit and they can't help me so they suggest i up to the cops outside the bar. Cops don't do shit. And they can't help me.

So they suggest I go to the hospital. So I go to the hospital via Uber because, you know, ambulance would cost an arm and a leg. So I go. Ambulances are fucking ridiculous, dude. People who can get an ambulance. Okay, show off. Tell us you're rich without telling us you're rich.

You got an ambulance, bro. So I'm in the hospital waiting for about 30 minutes to an hour to get this thing out of my ear. Anytime you're actually in pain at the hospital, the wait's like fucking six and a half hours. I'm like, what if I was bleeding? And they call me back, and I'm sitting there waiting for the nurse or whoever to help me. And it literally she looked at it, used a couple of tools to get it out and I was done.

And that short trip cost me about two hundred and fifty dollars to get an earplug out of my ear. It was great. I love it. Wait, how much did it cost? So I'm in the hospital. She had it used a couple tools to get it and i was done and that short trip cost me about 250 to get an earplug out of my ear it was great i love it how good did it feel though dude earplugs and people dude i wonder how many times that's fucking happened this is probably just another day at the hospital hey we got another earplug coming in room 12 oh fucking timmy tweezers walking in popping morning oh in the night you say when someone when someone

showed me right oh oh you might be mad at me there is a sound of me let me hear you say oh that's exactly what he did when that earplug came out what was on the earplug that's what i wanted every time i like have a surgical thing i'm like let me see it i'm the gross fuck like anytime i've had a fucked up tooth and the dentist like yanks it out of my mouth i'm like let me see it i always like want it they're like and but they're always so excited to show me because i think i don't think anybody else ever does that but anytime there's something fucked i'm like let me see they're like really you want to see it and i'm like yeah is that okay is that against like the dental law and they fucking show me the tooth and it looks like a saber tooth i'm like why is it so long every time i see my actual tooth i'm like

you sure that's for me or from a brontosaurus bro teeth are so weird to look at i'm like i don't think that was mine but good trick bro showing me a fake tooth thanks i would be interested to see that earplug if i got an earplug lodged in my fucking brain dude and they pulled they pulled that thing out, I wonder what would be in it. There'd be like a fuck. They'd pull out so much other shit with it. They'd pull out like a bottle with a note in it. They'd be like, what the fuck?

This is from Christopher Columbus. Pulling out a fucking big, like a bunch of paper clips stuck together. They're pulling out tissues like a magician. They're like, hey, what the? Hey. Just covered in earwax, my ass bro jesus christ bro so much earwax literally have a problem that's all i wanted for my birthday this year was a earwax removal like i wanted to go to a place where they like i should have just gone to fucking car wash, but I wanted that. Instead, what happened?

My mom came to town and bought 14 things from TJ Maxx and gave it to me. Some things never change. But I did use like three of them today. And all three were sponges that I used. All right. Now that I just told you everything in my life, let's keep going. Bro, I was at a bar for trivia night

and I choked on a chicken tender and I about died. It wasn't good. As far as I tried to chug my beer to wash it down, I puked everywhere. And I was blue in the face and it was like stuck like in my airway, like on the high lung or some shit. And then some random guy drove me to the ER.

They knocked me out and had like a, I don't know, throat scope or some shit. Dude, I'm always curious about that. Like, so you had to just hold your breath the whole time? I always curious about that like so you just hold your breath the whole time i always think about that like what if i choked i'm always eating so much fucking food in my car and i'm all i'm so close to choking every single time i eat food in the car that's how i'll die bro by choking on a muffin in the car. So I'm always like, oh, this food's so good. And then I'm like, I don't have a drink.

And by the time I realized I don't have a drink, the whole entire muffins like in my throat. And I'm like, I could probably die. And then I always like go to a gas station, like run in there and get a drink. I'm such a fucking idiot. But like, dude dude what if i was in like standstill of traffic i always think about that so when you choke in real life are you are you like like the whole time or are you you like, like, can you, I don't know,

man. That's my biggest fear. Probably being in a car, not being able to breathe. And you have to like honk your horn, like, and like get like, and like go around all the car,

like go through the red lights. Cause you're choking so hard. Is that a thing? That's my worst fear. It's like, Oh fuck. I gotta fuck. I can't breathe. Like, like showing people and oh fuck i gotta fuck i can't breathe like like

showing people and shit out the window i can't fucking breathe what if you just did that because you were late for work so dramatic that's not my biggest fear because of dying i just don't want to inconvenience other people and honk my horn i'm like oh i'm sorry i don't want to inconvenience anyone i'll just die at this red light take me that's wild bro just keep going ben all your shit's hilarious man keep up the good work love everything you do um so this isn't me getting rejected but in college um this is a this is a rejection story uh We got to keep going. We got to stick to the bit, baby. Thank you, though.

So every Easter and Christmas, my dad makes a big batch of homemade kielbasa. And before he cases it, we have to grind all the meat. And my brother was helping him with it and being a little bitch about grinding it. And he was like, oh, he's like, I'm going to cut my finger. I don't want to do it. And he was like, oh, he's like, I'm going to cut my finger. I don't want to do it. And I got pissed and I threw him to the ground, started angrily grinding and almost chopped my finger off in the grinder and had to go to the hospital and got nine stitches in my left middle finger. So, yeah, pretty dumb.

God, that sucks, bro. Always when you're mad, you you get hurt when you're mad or you're trying to impress a girl oh my acl every single time dude every single time how about looking cool and fucking up your like whole entire knee in front of a girl that's so awesome. I've never done that 13 times in my life. Just yep. Okay. By the way, props to him for saying grinding and not like think of him. Just he's like I was grinding even harder. This is all I thought about him doing. My brother wouldn't grind because he was being a bitch. He was like, I don't like this song. That's all I thought about that whole voice.

I love you, bro. I'm sorry for your finger. Slipped in my own vomit after inhaling a strong jalapeno. Went careening like a slip and slide. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. No cabinet. Slipped in my own vomit after inhaling a strong jalapeno, went careening like a slip and slide into an oak cabinet

and thought I broke my shin bone. Hurt so bad I puked all over myself. Again, ER nurses were amused and disgusted. And that's my ER embarrassing story. Finally, dude. I always thought it was like every time i hurt my like do something dumb and like kick something hard on accident i always feel like i'm gonna throw up and i was like i wonder if that's just a me thing like when i hurt myself i was like

the things i would do to see somebody like hit their big toe on a coffee table and throw up everywhere bro that oh my god i would pay thousands of dollars to see that ow i'd be like oh shit hit my shin so bad i almost i did throw up and slipped in it what a painful way to go dude that's a horrible day on your own throw up damn dog let's keep going i hate voice messaging but let's give this a go saw your story really had a pitch in on this one um thanks ma yeah i did some stupid shit as a kid so i fractured my foot tripping over my own foot after church and wearing

the church shoes my mom forced me to wear uh with the little clogs on them i still blame those shoes god picks his toughest battles for his artist working soldiers didn't get that right but you know uh let's see i also made a gas fireplace explode in my face um i'm fine now obviously um no scars nothing too bad all good um my sister threw a cup at my head and I had to get like three staples on the top of my head cup I got attacked by a stray dog no way oh yeah I ran into like a hot wheels like sign or something and it almost stabbed my eye out now I have this kind of cool scar next to my eye and my fiance open up your eyes this is fucking a walking injury everybody had that kid that they grew up with that was always getting hurt remember that that kid like in fourth grade that was just

like every day you got it fuck broken arm no he's hurt again there's just always the hurt kid you're like jesus band-aid on his head in the school picture you're like of course that was you fire just exploding in your face on a daily basis well just another tuesday let's keep going okay so my senior year of college i was at brunch and my best friend came to pick me up because I was really drunk. And I got in her car and I was like, let's go get pizza. And she was like, let's just order pizza when we get home. And I was like, no.

So I jumped out of her car while she was fully driving. Jumped out of her car and just started sprinting like in these big ass heels. And I broke my foot. Jesus Christ. sprinting like in these big ass heels and i broke my foot jesus christ the next day she had taken me to the hospital and i broke my fifth metatarsal and i had to have a boot for the next like five months of my life during my senior year and i was also on crutches you were boot girl oh everybody hates boot girl yeah so like every time somebody what happened to your so like what happened to your so like hey all because you were that hungry i get it i get it dude when girls are hungry it's straight up different though there is like an like when guys are, we'll be hungry and we'll be like, fuck, and then we'll forget.

Like we'll be like, fuck, for like one minute. No, probably like one second. And then we're like, all right, whatever. We're just not eating then. But girls, dude, when girls get hungry, girls like change. Dude, when girls get hungry, girls like change. Girls change into a different person when they're hungry. They'll fucking roll out of a moving car like it's going to blow up.

No, she just wanted Pizza Hut. Get out of the car. We're going to crash. No, actually, I just wanted pepperonis. That's wild, bro. Boot girl, boot girl. Booted her right out of the car. This guy.

Just keep going. Hey, Ben, love the podcast. I really hope this is anonymous because this is the most embarrassing thing in the world. The dumbest reason I've been to the hospital was for really bad gas. Like towards the evening, I felt horrible and it just got progressively worse and worse. I had the worst stomach ache of all time to the point like I couldn't stand up and I was just a wimp about it. And I thought it was appendicitis or something where I had to stand up and I was just a wimp about it and I thought it was appendicitis or

something where I had to have surgery and something removed but I got to the hospital they did like an ultrasound and stuff to make sure everything was good and then um they said oh you just you just have a little gas bubble I just had to fart that's really embarrassing don't tell anybody went to the hospital because you had to fucking fart couldn't figure it out hold on hey somebody just fucking walked in this building and i just so sidetracked the podcast uh i really hope like towards the evening i felt horrible and it just got progressively worse and worse i had the worst stomach ache of all time to the point like I couldn't stand up. And I was just a wimp about it.

And I thought it was appendicitis or something where I had to have surgery and something removed. But I got to the hospital. They did like an ultrasound and stuff to make sure everything was good. And then they said, oh, you just have a little gas bubble. Oh, my God, bro. That's really embarrassing. Don't tell anybody. I wonder if they just made her fart right then and there yeah you just have a little gas bubble she's like oh my god and and then they were like okay yeah so go ahead how much pressure you're just sitting on a fucking weird paper hospital bed

and they're like go ahead let's hear it let her rip sally um okay uh dude can you imagine that the pressure of farting in front of a doctor i'd be like uh let me know if this is this is okay or not is this is this regulation fart i wonder what noise she made after she got done farting you know it was the weirdest like pitchy fart ever you had to like go above a bunch of mountains and shit in your stomach just had to like climb a fucking hill dude that fart was insane i wonder what she said you know what she said after and Like the earplug thing?

She just goes... And the doctor was like... We need more let's keep going i don't go to the hospital because i'm not a fucking pussy bitch oh my god um no in high school i my mom told me I had to start picking up my own laundry. And I used to just throw it on the ground in my bathroom. And I came up too fast on a newly installed shower rack. And I was concussed, so I got out of school for like two days.

But then I found out I had a severe allergy to compazine an anti-nausea medication which was a fun fact i felt like i had sleep paralysis all of my waking hours for about two days i wonder if that happened to me so anyway uh uh yeah ew i used to just throw it on the ground in my bathroom, and I came up too fast on a newly installed shower rack, and I was concussed, so I got out of school for like two days. The amount of times I've hit my head on some shit because my dumb ass forgot it was there. Oh, dude, when you have a bottom locker in like middle school or some shit and

you're getting all your stuff together and you forget that the top lockers open boom and the lockers like it like taunts you after it sounds like a fucking rattlesnake it's like hit your head on the shower rack and had sleep paralysis just another tuesday hey there i've been asked to come share one of my favorite dumb reasons why you've ended up in the hospital stories it's not something that happened to me personally but i was there to witness it so i hope it still counts but a long time ago when i was a pre-med my very first day of shadowing in the er we walk into this room and I see this girl looking really disoriented, just high out of her mind sitting there. And she has something that looks like a,

like a plastic bag or like a Ziploc bag up her nose. And I thought that's, that's a little weird. And after the doctor, you know, starts talking with her boyfriend or significant other for a while, I just step a little closer because I was like, what is that? And it's a full blown condom lodged up her nose. And this girl's eyes are like crossed over. She's like zoned out. She cannot talk. And I thought, what the absolute fuck are you two doing?

There's more. What? there's more what and it turns out that they got high and decided it was a good idea to see if they could snort condoms through one nostril and yank them out the other uh and unfortunately for her hers got stuck and hers was also flavored so it had you know that stuff's gonna burn it was like lodged in her olfactory tissue um that's why she was you know so disoriented and that's it's gonna be tough to take out um but it just it blew my mind that you know you have so many holes i don't you don't need to fuck every single one of them literally so be careful and don't snort condoms what kind of how bored but imagine if hey that that dude that pulled the condom all the way through how good

did that feel when it came out oh his sinuses are just dude if i could just floss my nose with a condom how nice and loosey-goosey would that shit be i'd be like i need like a total decongestant put condoms in my face and pull them out of every fucking hole in my entire... In both ears, in my nose, in both eyes. But how high do you have to be, bro, to snort a condom? High and bored. When you're high and bored.

Like, fuck. Hey, have sex. Let's keep going. Uh, yeah, I got hit by a car, but, uh, I'm fine now. No, you didn't. Uh, yeah, I got hit by a car, but, uh, I'm fine now.

I swear to God, why would it feel kind of good? If I got hit by a car, bro, I swear it would put my back in the right place. I think I need to get hit by a car. People that, you know, you see somebody get hit by a car like on a viral video and they always fucking didn't they always get up right after people getting ran over by cars and shit they like get up and walk it off i'm like okay it doesn't look too bad that's like if i ever got a massage or like i went to the chiropractor like they i would have i would have to like it wouldn't be enough dude give me a chiropractor that's gonna like cannonball on my back i need somebody to

just beat the shit out of me for half an hour masseuse masseuse is everywhere guys like ready for your half hour massage i'm like yeah sure starts this car just fucking reverses over me in the massage envy parking lot shit i would pay unlimited money for that okay so this is just a random thought. Why did my mom always yell at me for putting my

laundry in the dirty clothes like inside out? Because my thought is my sweaty armpits have been rubbing in this shirt with my boob sweat all over. That's the part of the shirt I want clean. If you got to stand on the outside

just spot spray that and like flip it inside out this is actually it and like like your butt is like in those jeans all day like who cares about the outside of the jeans the inside of the jeans is what needs clean so true i've never thought about a lot of jeans tell you to turn them inside out to wash them so what's up with that she's like so fuck you mom just goes off about her mom for like two and a half minutes i would listen to every second damn i never thought about that and i always get on myself too for like washing socks inside out and then you get them out of the dryer and and you got to turn them all like right side in, if that's a word.

Now, I'm always like, God, I'm a piece of shit. Why am I doing it? But that's like the part of the socks that are dirty. Damn. I don't know what that had to do with your worst hospital incident, though. Better people, whoa. Let's keep going.

But that was nice. That was a nice tip maybe we could have a nice little fucking tip of the day every single time my age i was on a uh day with a nurse that worked in the hospital that i work in she got called or she's okay that's from last week damn i'm an idiot let's keep going so i once had to go to the hospital because i ate five boxes of fruit roll-ups in one sitting i was in college at the time studying for exams i had an adderall prescription who's not doing this i was on adderall all day i hadn't eaten anything and that night i was hanging out in my buddy's dorm we smoked a little bit of weed he'd gotten a care package from his mom.

And one thing led to another and I ate five boxes of fruit roll-ups in one sitting. I don't really think much of it. I wouldn't either. That night I woke up, started throwing up. I couldn't stop throwing up. Went to the nurse on campus. She gave me a shot in my ass and what was it? Tried to make me stop throwing up, but I wouldn't, so she sent me to the hospital where they put me to sleep for 16 hours, put an IV in, and

woke up the next day and my parents didn't believe me. They thought I for sure just got too drunk. Dude, who's not eating five boxes of fruit roll-ups though i really would do that and be like okay because fruit roll-ups aren't shit that little fucking it's like this much it's like eating two it's like eating like that's like three bags of gummy bears probably that's a lot of fucking yeah that's a lot of sugar i guess but what shot are you getting in your butt to stop throwing up i had a random i'm gonna throw up moment the other day i was just sitting in my

bed and i was like i'm gonna throw up and i went to the toilet and like i had all the mouth spit you know the pre-throw up was coming out i was like i'm gonna do it i kind of got excited i was like here we go i haven't felt this in a while. Nothing came out, but my toilet smelled like shit. I almost threw up because of the smell of my toilet. I was like, I'm not even sick. I just need to clean. That's definitely something I would do. What happened last night?

Why'd you go to the hospital? Five boxes of fruit roll-ups. It'd be different if it was fruit by the foot, dude. How many feet of fruit did you eat last night? Six miles. Damn, dog. That's like everybody's dream though, isn't it? Like if you could, wouldn't you eat five boxes of fruit roll-ups?

Like if for one day you could not get sick, like the first thing I'm doing is eating five boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. Imagine how good that threw up smell though. You know, how good did that smell? His roommate's like, hey, can you put that in a jar and light it on fire and sell that yankee candle who's not buying this i once got a concussion so bad that i didn't recognize my own parents didn't know what month it was and i think the most embarrassing thing

is that it was uh from ultimate frisbee oh my god the things i would do to get a concussion and not even recognize my mom and dad oh that would be so funny who are you didn't even recognize when people get concussions gotta be the funniest fucking thing ever it was always hilarious no one ever gave a shit, dude. It doesn't sound good now, but people would get knocked the fuck out on my high school football team and they'd sit down and people would be like,

bro, what day is it? And they'd be like, Tuesday. Dude, and the whole sideline would laugh. And now they have CTE. But at the time, shit was hilarious. Didn't even recognize my own parents. I've probably had like four concussions in my life and they're all from the dumbest

shit. Like boxing in someone's basement, dude. My friend knocked me out, dog. The whole next day I just slept and felt like I was going to throw up. Then 8 o'clock I felt great. I was like, round two? felt like I was going to throw up. Then eight o'clock I felt brand. I felt great. I was like, oh,

round two. Ultimate Frisbee is fun though. So probably worth it. I took acid at Family Fun Center and had a panic attack outside and had to get taken away in an ambulance. And I woke up in the hospital later. That would 100% happen to me. If I didn't take acid and went to Family Fun Center.

If that's the place you're talking about in the Circle Center Mall, that's like the weirdest fucking place ever. I always just walk through the Circle Center Mall because Helium's in there, comedy club. And I walk through the mall like before a show just to like get away from everybody there's this place called family fun center and there's these big like huge ass furbies you can like get in and they're furry and you ride them around it's so weird like it seems like you're on the acid when you're walking by the store. Every time I walk by the store, I'm like, ah, dude. If I did any drug, that would be the outcome.

Now I want to go to family fun center. Family not fun center. Getting my lip ripped in half in a bounce house from a kid doing a back flip and his foot connecting with my face when I was five. And also having to explain from that injury at the ER to child protective service agents, because they were secretly called by the doctor that my parents did not beat the shit out of me. And then having a really rad set of stitches across my mouth for the next several weeks and creating a pretty cool scar and a decent story all right love the podcast

appreciate you bye oh sexy dismount but uh i now i want to see that scar that sounded really like weird but like you know what i mean when people people have cool scars, it's like, all right. It's always in the goddamn eyebrow. I've never seen a cool lip scar, though. Ha ha. Yeah, dude. Bounce house. How does everybody not go to the hospital in that thing?

I don't know. Could never have one. Every time I was in a bounce house I just acted like the biggest bully just throwing fuckers around probably because I was like this size when I was eight years old last one let's hear it hi Benedict uh the dumbest thing I went to the hospital for was I stepped on a four-inch lag bolt. Oh. That had been stuck through a fishing line spool. I had woken up late.

My husband had gotten ready to go fishing. He used it to put the line on his fishing pole, and then he just tossed it aside. And then when I woke up and I went to go feed the dog, I landed right on it because I didn't have my glasses on. And so I go to the ER and have a bolt through a fishing line spool surgically removed from the bottom of my foot. So, yeah. That's the dumbest reason why I went to the hospital. Ta-ha! Oh my God!

I did not see that shit coming. I was like, this is going to be the cutest fuck ever. Wow. All your husband's fault for that shit. That had to feel good. Coming back from the hospital. Hey, pick your shit up. Oh my God, dude. You probably just let his ass have it. You're dumb fishing shit. Get off the ground.

Fucking bolt went in my foot. Old Franken foot. Two bolts on the side. Fishing line in between. i don't even know how the how that happened jesus christ dude this is wild all right fam that's it dumbest reasons you've been to the hospital i love you guys man i love how you guys don't give a shit about what happened. So I got hit by a car. That might have been the best one.

All right, y'all. Thanks for listening. Patreon $5 a month for extra episode every single week. Benedictmerch.com for all your time. Listen to these guys with me and Joey I'll talk to you guys next week I have fam see you next time