Espresso - dumbest wish

Episode Date: May 13, 2021

This week Ben has TiKTok e-boy @LiamPineiro and comedian @RayHensleyComedy on the pod to breakdown the Fam's weirdest wishes (ˡⁱᵏᵉ ʰᵃᵛⁱⁿᵍ ˢᵉˣ ʷ ᵃ ˡⁱᵗᵗˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿ) they roast ben's hair for 35 minutes, create the ultimate fast food meal, look through notes on each others phones, realize the best drink of all time is the juice left in DOLE fruit cups, they celebrate the creation of the biscuits that you can peel apart, and try to figure out why tf people in high school had the loudest car speakers IN THE WORLD then they go #ViViViViral and do #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😎 𝘿𝙈 𝙤𝙧 𝙏𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝘼𝙉𝙔 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙙 ! (@benedictpolizzi) →→→ 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄! 𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝗲𝗻!: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave One Media. Media, media, media. If you want to start your own show, visit thewaveone.com. That was a wave. Oh. Surprise, surprise. This is our superhero song if we were superheroes. Nah, dude, I want to like box.

This is what you would come out to if you were a boxer? Hell yeah. I'd come out to some wack-ass shit. This superhero type beat, what would you come out to? I'd come out to some fried shit. Living la vida loca. Living la vida loca. Ricky, that's your twin.

Swat open. Uh, uh. Come on, Liam. I've got barf. Shot 150. Come on, Eminem, do got barf. Shot 150. Come on, Eminem. Do it. Espresso.

Podcast. Let's go. I'm in the stew. He's the one who does all the Eminem shit. Let's do it. I'm in the stew, but I'm not a carrot. Damn. My elementary school neighbor, his name was Josh Starrett.

Why is a bird? But he talks a lot bird like a parrot yeah josh ferret i got raps in a bag my name is ray i'm not a damn that looks great ray looks like he just ate always damn ray always looks back like he got Ray always looks like he got back from a motherfucking date. Yeah. Your hair looks kind of thin. Oh. Bullshit. Oh, he struck a card. Dude, my hair

looks very heated. Big. The hair is a big thing in here, isn't it? Big thing. Yeah. Only reason I got a hair transplant. My hair sucks. I was like, Ben, you're bald as fuck. I was like. It's because you called me hair transplant. My hair sucks. I was like, Ben, you're bald as fuck. I was like. It's because you called me fat first. My hair sucks. You're like, damn, you're looking fat.

And I go, I might be fat, but at least I have thick hair. And you're like, oh, oh. And then I saw you a month later with fucking. Ben, how much was the hair transplant? Tell me. Don't give me no bullshit either. Guess. Five grand. I hadn't planned on researching this bullshit either. Guess. Five grand.

I hadn't planned on researching this. It was more than five grand. I hadn't planned on researching this until my 40s, Ben. It was more than five. That's all I'm saying. It was eight grand. Maybe. Was it between eight and 13? Tell me that. Because, yeah, that's what all of them are.

You're having to research this. Was the prices right? You really did. $13,499. You really did look like Lincoln Burroughs, dude. Who's that? This is what Ben looked like when he got a hair transplant. Everybody knows.

There was like three comments that said it. Dude, it looked like there was a strawberry Pop-Tart on my head. I like, no. Like an unfrosted one? I love how you didn't tell anybody. And then you just posted that picture of you with the shaved head. I know.

Everyone's like, what the fuck? I was like, how am I not going to post about this? The doctor's office was like, or the transplant place was like, after you get it, I wouldn't go out in public or post anything for two weeks. Like an hour after the fucking procedure. They're like, did you see? I was like, fucking bloody ass head. No, it's the shaved head, or the buzzed haircut that you posted right before.

Oh, yeah, because they're like, you've got to cut your hair. And everyone's like, what did you do? And you go, somehow your hair looks fuller. How does your hair look thicker? Yeah, after I cut it. And you're like, I'm definitely doing this shit. I'm definitely doing it. He said, worth it.

What's up, boys? Shot 158 Espresso Podcast. It's Ben Polizzi, Ray Hensley, Liam Pinero. He does have like a- Pin-rero. Just a nightmare of a last name. Yeah. Mellor just fucking racist. Do you have to roll the R? Technically, you're supposed to because it's got the little pinata thing over it, the tilde. The pinata. Liam Pinero? You're supposed to. Why don't we just call him that for him that I ditched that shit After elementary school

Because everybody fucked it up I was like fuck it I'm just gonna be Pinero Like when your name tag Was on your desk Growing up in first grade It had the little squiggly Yeah yeah yeah

Had the little squiggly man What a fucking fiesta Yeah my first name Is like Irish as fuck And then I have like The most Spanish sounding Last name What's your middle name?

Did we talk about this? Michael. What's your dad's name? Noel. Oh, yeah. With the accent over the E. N-O-E, accent L, Pinero with the squiggle over the fucking N. It really is a nightmare.

It's a mouthful. You have to cross your T's and dot your I's. You guys are like... It was a pain in the ass. Make sure you squiggle your R's. It was a pain in the ass, but it got me like $8,000 off college. What? Nuh-uh. Being Puerto

Rican. Because you have special needs? That was a different scholarship. Full ride! Bro, I... He does have a really big brow. Listen to this. Dickest brows ever. You really chopped the tails off those bitches. I gotta fucking... Do they connect? Do I have a unibrow? Do I have to pluck it Dickest brows ever. You really chopped the tails off those bitches. I got a fucking, yeah.

Do they connect? Do I have a unibrow? Do I have to pluck it? Honestly, no. They really don't. Really? They just go up. Look at them.

They're like meets my hairline. No, but when I was applying for college. As soon as you start thinning like Palitza, you're just going to comb them over? Dude, if I didn't pluck my eyebrows for one day, I'd look like a fucking Geico caveman. Really? How long do you manscape? How long? Yeah, like pluck.

It's a whole day, bro. I do a bod shave monthly. I was going to ask you about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Full on bod? I'm Italian too, and I'm hairy as fuck. And I see Ben on the videos. He's like, oh.

Do you really shave your legs? I trim them. Put like a two guard on. A two guard. Lay down like a bed sheet on the ground. I swear to God. Dude, I was wondering about that. Ever since the fucking Tommy John commercial, I was like, this guy is fucking waxy.

I don't know what the fuck. I was like, hold up. What is he doing? Because I'm hairy, dude. Let's see your butthole. Two guard on that too? I don't touch that. You don't touch that?

I think it'd be weird. I do all the time. Ben, you got a bleaching kit. Two fingers? He's got an at-home bleaching. He's got a My Shiny Hiney kit in his fucking bathroom medicine cabinet. Squatty potty shiny hiney. Squatty potty, dude.

What's your IG names, huh? At Ray Hensley Comedy. At Liam Pinero. No squiggle. I'm the only one here that's not a comic. Believe that? We're going to fix that. You should get on stage.

Why don't you? I just don't think. I don't know, man. I just don't. We've been trying to get him to do it for three years the day that we met him. I told Ray from day one, though. I told Ray from day one. I just don't think it would translate for me.

Because I'm not like... I can't write it and then make it funny again. Ben used to say the same shit. He's not funny. I mean, he's not, but he's gotten better. At least I try. No, Ben is funny. Y'all are both funny, man.

I just don't think I could... It's a skill, dude. It really is. I don't think I could translate it. Shut up. I don't think I could... You're a notes guy on your phone, aren't you? You're like, do you write on loose leaf or are you a notes guy too?

I write everywhere. Everywhere that I can. I have a notebook, yeah. You got a notebook? When I write every day, I write. If I'm out and about without my notebook. Everybody's so surprised about that. When I have my notebook out, people are like, holy fuck.

Yeah. First of all, yeah. I didn't know you could spell. Secondly, that's a lot of responsibility for you, my man. No, yeah. It depends where I'm at. If I'm out and about, I'll put it in my phone. I'll't know you could spell. Secondly, that's a lot of responsibility for you, my man. No, yeah, it depends where I'm at. Like, if I'm, like, out and about, like, I'll put it in my phone. I'll write the notes down.

But right before I go up on stage, I'll pull my notebook out and I'll write all my shit down. You ever write something at the time and you think it's really good? Every single time. And then you're like, oh, this sucks. Nine out of ten times, those jokes are shit. I'm about to look in my notes right now. Did you get some? Oh, yeah.

You want to run over some premises? Here we go. If you don't go on a warm-up rollercoaster, you're a psycho. That's a tweet, isn't it? You wanted to tweet that. All my shit is kind of tweet or premise, you know what I mean? Like when you go to an amusement park, if you don't,

let's try that one first. The mild one. What's fucked up is I get that. You ever write down like a vague thing in your phone, and then you come back to it two months later, and you're just like, black people booger picker? What?

What was that? And you're just like, what was going into my head? You know what I mean? It's just something stupid and random. Pretending, oh yeah, close the garage door. Man, this is so stupid. Guys always squint when they can't hear That's kind of true What'd you say?

What? My generation will be forever known as the generation that ended the straight white male dynasty We've had a rough season, probably won't even make the playoffs You're a fucking idiot Y'all are both like It's a solid joke Y'all are reading me shit that i would see on twitter i want to see a new hgtv show oh my god here we go where homeowners look for the perfect roofer it's called looking for the one dude that took me a sec but then it clicked i still don't get it okay

i don't like watching movies. It's The Bachelor. I can laugh because I'm half Hispanic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like watching movies, not because I don't like them or anything, because I act like I'm in one for the next 48 hours. Bro, and you've got to change your personality every fucking three days. Do I want to be funny or do I want to be badass?

After a movie, I do think I'm still in a movie. I want to be funny or do I want to be badass? After a movie, I do think I'm still in the movie. I want to be John Wick. After a Marvel movie or something, when you get in the parking lot, don't you just start jumping on cars and shit? When you watch 300, how flexed were you for the next two days? I never saw 300.

You could be in the live-action remake. Ben's only seen Happy Gilmore and fucking A Crazy Night. like two movies. You could be in a live action remake. Yeah, Ben's only seen Happy Gilmore and fucking All Four Rockies. A Crazy Night. That's a technical foul. All Four Rockies, he says.

All Four Rockies. That's a technical foul. You've been solid with the Rocky. You know, you've been saying it's all Rocky.

It really has been. Rocky and Adam Sandler. I think I've said that on all 158 podcasts. Same Rocky shit. Adam Sandler and Rocky. It Sandler. I think I've said that on all 158 podcasts. Same Rocky shit. Adam Sandler and Rocky.

It really is. Adam Sandler really is good, man. Is he? I really like Adam Sandler. I mean, he's got, it's called, every single movie he has is kind of the same plot, but it's funny. Like Hot Wife saves the day.

He was a loser in high school. Now he's cool. Beat up the bully you know got some kids after big daddy was kind of over yeah what'd you say after big daddy was kind of over yeah it was downhill i feel that big daddy was good i thought he peaked at happy gilmore did you see uncut gems i didn't did you yeah yeah never mind yeah yeah i bet you like spanglish i don't even think i saw that actually i think i watched that on a plane like six years ago fucking i was watching i was like crash this thing

this shit is trash no i just uh oh no i just think he's a funny dude he does stand up didn't he didn't he start with stand up a lot of people start with stand-up that are in different avenues now. That's us. Would you guys want to branch out into acting or something? Oh, yeah. Would you ever act? I tried. Really?

Yeah. When I was in L.A., I did auditions all the time. Really? Why didn't you get cast? I feel like you got a good look for it. In L.A., there's places you can just show up to. There's six rooms, and there's like six rooms. And it's like six different pilots.

And you can try out for whatever character and just read them lines and shit. Really? Wow. I'm going to fucking go. Do you want to be the psycho racist guy? I was like, God damn it. I'm getting typecasted that again. Six for six.

Every role, yeah. LA's crazy, dude. I've never been in the acting scene out there, but I've been there just a few times and observed it. I don't envy you for going through that, man. It was a lot. We should just go out and try it. How long were you in?

Dude, I think there's a week when you can go out to LA and they have all the big shows and they cast for all the big shows. We should go out for that week. Really? Yeah. That's a real thing. Somebody told me about that. I could be the next Kevin James. You could. Yeah.

You're better looking than Kevin James. You're more sellable than Kevin James. No, yeah, yeah, for sure. He did stand-up, too. Oh, I like his stand-up. His stand-up's good. You know what I think? Remember his-

He had the thing about- The Hallmark card? No, I don't remember that. When he's looking for a card for his wife or whatever? I just remember he was talking about the way people leave voicemails. They leave their number at the end. He's like, some lady left me a voicemail, and she left her number, and she was like, 3-1-7-4-8.

He breaks it up differently. He's like, no, when you're leaving your number, it's got to be bum-bum-ba, bum-bum-ba, bum-ba bum bum bah bum bah bum bah 100% 100% never heard it but true yeah yeah

your dad on every voicemail your dad's so good at voicemails any dad in here well wait right no

my dad'll be like Raymond it's dad call me back dude my dad was a fucking pro with voicemails just checking in want to let you know just got some things going on repeat i don't know times two once again show politzi my number

317 i don't know i don't know about your guys's dads but do your dads like explain directions to you after they give you the address yeah they give you an address yeah you got to turn right past uh yeah you're gonna go to 116th street you're gonna turn right i'm like dude you gave me the address i got it i don't know i don't have to print these out yeah mapquest.com yeah go to mapquest and figure it out oh yeah i used to go on tour with mapquest and if we had like like we were on the road for two weeks we'd have just a stack of mapquests so if we went from like cold water michigan up to detroit over to chicago and then down to peoria like i had to like figure all that up before holy shit into a fucking binder no i never had i'd be like i don't think i'm gonna

go on tour anymore fuck this comedy shit there were places that we went on and then dude those venues weren't even like on the. I couldn't imagine that. I never had a driver map question. Cornfield, Cornfield, Cornfield. One of them was just surrounded by cornfields. It was like a barn. And they were like, this is the venue. That was it? Just a barn?

It was just a barn. It was just a barn. It was a music barn. Do you guys, when you have directions on your phone, do you read step by step or do you just follow that blue line? I just follow the blue line. For sure. Bro.

Do you take as many wrong exits as me? Dude. Bro, every time I'm on a trip, I stop at the exit. I swear to God, I've heard my phone sigh. It just goes, fuck. Rerouting. Rerouting. Fucking rerouting.

I can't have this clown. I'm just like, all right, Siri, settle down, bud. Relax. It is fun. Do you guys have the default Siri voice still or have you changed it I changed mine to like

British I turned mine off he's like into the car park I'm like what the fuck is that I turned mine off I turned mine off

I just I just watched oh really yeah I have an Australian accent on mine I really do it's kind of nice

is it a guy or a girl it's a girl I think it has to be a girl if it was a guy I'd be like I don't trust you I'm not gonna you ever had it you ever had it like if it's a of nice is it a guy or a girl it's a girl I think it has to be a girl if it was a guy I'd be like I don't trust you I'm not gonna trust you

you ever had it you ever had it like if it's a guy you ever had a lag where your phone was like you gotta turn left up here

and then it just like pauses and it's like hey you're supposed to turn left back there the blue line's deceiving as fuck when you're looking at it sometimes it is yeah

cause we all have iPhones right mhm yeah so that you would samsung fucking followers did y'all ever have not an iPhone ever since they've been out did you ever Because we all have iPhones, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah, so that... You would. Samsung? Fucking followers. Did y'all ever have not an iPhone ever since they've been out? Did you ever switch for a year?

I went to the Motorola Razors. Yeah. Like the smart Razors or whatever. Oh. I had like a new version Razor too. Yeah. I went to one of those for like a year and I'm too stupid to figure out how to use that shit.

Yeah, fuck that. Dude, you gotta have widgets and all that other stupid shit. I thought my phone before my iPhone made me dumber because it was so slow. I started thinking real slow and shit. I swear to God, it sucked. And it like didn't have like spell check.

So everything was wrong. So you thought it 3G and then when 4G came out and you're just like... Does anyone know what the G's mean? Like, what's 5G? I have no idea. What the fuck is 5G? When people are like, oh, it's because of 5G. Isn't that like a whole meme thing? I'm like, what?

The wireless service? Like, what? I think they think 5G is like the government spying on you and shit. I don't know. I mean, who cares? I don't give a shit. Dude, I have buddies. No, I have buddies that legit think the government is trying to chip us. I hope they are.

They already did. This right here is a fucking chip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, man. This thing listens to everything you want to say and everything you want to do, and all of a sudden you get emails. Like if you're like, I need a new mattress. What the fuck are you getting now?

You're getting just all these emails about mattresses. Does that ever happen when you're around somebody and you're talking about something and then you open up your TikTok and it was the last thing you were talking about on there? Like the first video on TikTok? I don't know about on TikTok, but it happens with ads and stuff like that. It's just crazy. I think TikTok's always updating shit. I think they do listen, dude.

I swear they do. All of them 100%. All of them do. Any of the apps that say they don't listen are out of their fucking mind. It's a chip, dude. It's a chip. It's a baked lei. Awesome.

I wanted to say that the whole entire time. I was like, when are we going to stop talking about this? We said chip, yeah. If you get around somebody who's like... It's a cheat hope. If you get around somebody who's like homophobic, just start talking about nothing but gay porn around them. That way on their phone,

they start getting all those ads and shit. I think that'd be... Alright. No, I like that. No, it's whatever. You guys do your little fucking Johnson thing. My girlfriend was talking to me the other day. She goes, hey, I don't know if this is going to hurt your feelings or not, but I've never laughed at one Johnson video.

Stop. Stop. Stop. I was like, me neither. Your cameo sales are going down the drain, bud. Johnson here. Johnson here. The question of the week. Espresso.

Question of the week. Week, week. What's the weirdest thing you've ever wished for? For me? I almost did prayed. I almost did prayed for, but I was like, that's way too religious. You didn't want to bridge. Yeah, you got to bridge the gap.

Just change it to wished. What's the weirdest thing you've ever wished for? Bro, this is fucked up. You ever wish you like... This is so stupid. He's about to be that kid. You remember that kid from the old Vines? He's like, you ever have a dream where you...

When you... Where you dream and you... Yeah, that's not me, you bitch. That kid kind of looks like you. Was that you in here? Everyone shut the fuck up. No, the weirdest thing I've ever wished for is like... You ever wish that you got sick with a disease or in a car crash

so people would come see you at the hospital and you get like presents and money and shit and people be like oh man you're awesome then you could like fake be in a coma and people just say all the nice shit damn i just i just know that nobody would show up it would make me worse i don't do i just i don't know i just like man imagine like wonder how many visitors i'd get. You know what I mean? How many stuffed animals? Yeah. The get well soon bears and shit?

Then you get through it and you're like a fucking badass. You know what I mean? You're like, wow, this guy's walking again. He got his legs crushed. Now he walks on his hands and fucking. He's an inspiration. Everybody writes with his mouth. What about you?

Why are you looking at me? You ain't ever wished for some weird shit? Come on. I don't know. Everyone's always wanted like super powers. Nice transition. What's your wish? What about you?

I've always wanted more wishes. My wish when I was in 6th grade I prayed for this bro. I prayed for this. I like this girl that was like really short. Not really short. I was just one of those kids that was super tall, like totally way too mature, like in like fifth grade. Like I was the first one for sure with armpit hair.

I was tall as shit. And I liked this girl and she was like, she was short compared to me. And I was like, dear Lord, I pray that I get shorter because I want to look better next to this girl. I don't want it to be as fucking creepy. Yeah, it was weird. Like I was standing next to her

in church and I'd like do this. You're an idiot. I swear to God. You have poor posture today because of that. You just slouch. Slouching all the time.

Why are you slouching all the time? This fucking girl in sixth grade? Because of Jessica Stein? How do you know? How do you know her name? What about you, Ray? You don't have like a weird thing? I got something that's kind of creepy, though.

Do it! Who cares? You don't think mine is creepy? Mine's really weird. This is kind of pervy, too. Okay, too. Okay, then. And there it goes. And we're out?

All right. I don't have to do mine. We like it more. I always wanted the ability to be able to see two celebrities have sex. Okay. Dude. Who would you pick? We're like, I can't do this. Who would you pick?

When I was younger? Who would you pick besides Angelina Jolie? When I was younger, I always wanted to see Beyonce and Jessica Alba. Oh. I was thinking two guys this whole time. I was trying to think of two. Brad Pitt and Russell Crowell. Cristiano Ronaldo and fucking Brad Pitt.

I don't know. That was my, yeah. Can you clone one and just have them do, never mind. I'm just saying, bro. Oh, yeah. Or Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears. You've always been an Aguilera guy. I don't know That was my Can you clone one And just have them Nevermind I'm just saying bro Oh yeah Christina Aguilera Britney Spears You've always been

The Aguilera guy I love Aguilera Big Aguilera guy I think Aguilera Is super stupid Same here I was always X Tina

Yep X Remember that fucking video Dirty How was that On fucking TV When I saw How was it?

That's what I'm saying. That should have been on Cinemax late at night. Did you guys ever watch MTV real late and it was dirtier? Yeah. And then it was always the Girls Gone Wild commercials at 2 a.m. Warning. Remember that? Remember those?

Everybody knows that. And then you start pulling your fucking pants down. Warning. Warning. You'd be like, oh, here we go. Warning. This video may not be... You and your friends would be like, yeah!

Okay! You wake up, girls gone wild. They had guys gone wild. You remember that one? Of course. No, no, no, never heard of it. I don't own all of them. That's the only one I ever actually bought, yeah.

No, those commercials used to go hard, dude. Those ones would fuck with you because they'd have the same warning at the beginning. You'd be up until 4 a.m. You'd be like, warning! And you were like, yes! I don't know if I should look this up on a work computer. I wouldn't recommend it, but maybe the cell phone. Oh, you're filming, aren't you?

The girl's gone wild, probably. Ben would be the dude to do this. That guy got, like, me-too'd before anyone else. The girl's gone wild guy? I think, isn't that why he doesn't do them anymore? Or because he filmed a 17-year-old? I thought that was just because, like, the internet. He did something. He did something, I think, where he, you like somebody that was he wasn't supposed to film listen man

mtv latest commercials ever do you want to know which ones that are uh that definitely been bothering me like lately and you might not remember these because these are a little before your time but you remember those soccer commercials for the uh it was like before ax body spray and they were like nice bod i love your sexy bod spray yeah bod spray this must be a 30 and up thing going on today that'd be crazy right hot bod i like your bod i i always used to say that around the house there's a bunch of dudes built like me and ben running around with their shirts up. Just the two of you. Yeah. My dad bought me that shit as a joke. Really? He's like, I'm still wearing it today.

It actually did kind of smell good. It did. Yeah, I guess. Are y'all cologne guys? No. I always forget, dude. I probably smell like shit all the time. Listen to this.

This is it? Oh. Oh. Oh, survive. This is it? Ooh. Ooh. Oh, so bad. Yeah, this has got to be like a 30 and up thing. Those were, yeah, they weren't on TV very long because they just. Hot bod. Sexy bod.

I love your motherfucking bod. I want your bod. And it's just a bunch of dudes running around playing soccer and shit. Yep. Just with their shoes on. Baby oil. Here we go. This is sea kelp.

What is this? The weirdest thing you ever wished for. I wished for a full head of white hair. And now she coming in strong. These are the requests on Instagram, so who the fuck knows. The white gray hair is becoming popular with the girls, though. Yeah, like Max Joseph.

I thought it was a long time ago, and it's not now. Like the frosted hair. That was with us. I think it's like the... Like the platinum white hair. Like the dude from Catfish, like Max. The dude that had the gray white hair, and he was like 25... Like the platinum white hair. Like young dudes. Like the dude from Catfish. Like Max. The dude that had like the gray white hair and he was like 25.

The salt and pep. Yeah. A little bit of that. A little distinguished look. I got that shit natural, bro. A little distinguished look. Yeah, yeah. She goes, also wish to need to wear glasses.

And now I'm the only family member with this shit. Bro. No, my mom fake needing glasses when she was younger. So she could wear... She thought they looked cool I'm like just get some Fucking cheaters Yeah I don't

I guess she was You know those Thick rimmed people Yeah yeah yeah Like the hipsters Those are all fake glasses Yeah yeah I'm the only one in my family

That doesn't have glasses though Really I wear contacts You do yeah Ben's blind as a bat We know that Yeah look at him over there Squinting

I can't It's because I can't hear Yeah Here's Zion It's because because I can't hear. Yeah. Here's Zion. It's because I just got a haircut. Okay, I'm not going to say this name because he sent me two messages. One is from the last week's question, which is like, I think the weirdest thing you ever did at work.

And one is for- Yeah, what's the wish? Yeah. Here we go. He goes, hey, Ben, I used to be a custodian for a school in a female co-worker i don't like this already this is weirdest thing you've ever done at work and didn't tell me it's like i wish i was 15 so i can go to the girls locker room and i'd be weird you're fried we started messing around and one day at work we were both horny school is empty because we work nights just so

you know oh gone wild this is like one of those like deer hustler dude i can't i can't fucking read that so he pulls out his big meaty hog and i i am i ended up i can't he pulls out his okay weirdest wish weirdest wish i'll tell you what i've wished for honestly because i have some weird kinky fetishes. I want to follow this guy. Do you want to fuck him? It's just Ray. I've always wanted a midget to fuck me.

Wait, I thought this was weird wishes. Not everyone's ever wish. Would you not be interested? I would do it. I mean, it's a little weird. Oh, jeez. Hey, just a tiny bit. I even went as far as posting for it on Craigslist when-

Come on! I had a personal section. I got a few replies, but not from a real little person. So my wish has still not been fulfilled, bro. Oh, my. I think you just advertised for him. Send me this guy's fucking Instagram. We're gonna get messages tonight from like little people

and they're just like, what's that guy's at? Send me this guy's, yeah, send me this guy's at. I wanna follow him. What's he look like? He sounds like an animal. It's at Ray Hensley. Holy shit. Alright. I need more power tools. You would though, right? You would? Hell animal. It's at Ray Hensley. Holy shit. All right. I need more power tools. You would, though, Ray?

You would? Hell yeah. Ray's taking what he can get at this point. Jesus Christ. I can't wait, bro. I'm pulling this up. Here we go. J-Wild 5.

Weirdest thing you ever wished for. When I was in third grade, someone told me I had hairy ass arms. It was like two weeks before my B-Day. Still rattled my B-Day, and I wish to never have hair on my arms again. Haven't had a hair since 07. What? He wished his hairs away? Yeah, and I guess he just shaved them or something.

Is it a girl or a guy? No, it's a dude. Oh. Be like Ben. Shave everything. There was a girl in high school. She had the merriest fucking arms I've ever seen in my life. Yeah.

Should I say her name? I'm just kidding. Girls with hairy arms are like... I remember her name. She was cute, too. Guys, maybe we could just not body shame, though. I don't know. It's just an idea.

Jesus Christ. Why did you bring this guy on? Dude, I'm hairy as fuck. You should see my legs. You've seen my legs. You've both seen my legs. I was always super, super scared of the kid that had... I don't hairy as fuck. You should see my legs. You've seen my legs. You've both seen my legs. I was always super, super scared of the kid that had... I don't have back

hair. It's just my legs. I've got hair like right here. Bro, so weird. Where's your kidneys? Huh? Like around where your kidneys are on your back? No, right here. I can't see because of the computer. Well, fucking stand up. I'm lazy. My legs are hairy and my arms are

decently hairy, but it stops at my ass. It's weird. My ass isn't hairy. It just stops. Prove it. What do you think? I looked. You're stupid.

Can verify. In first grade, here's a hey-o-may-o-main. Oh, this guy usually has some good ones. Weirdest wish. In first grade, I thought I was way too good at reading, so I would purposely stumble over words. Oh. What do you think this guy does now if that was him in grade school?

What's he do now? I bet he fucking stumbles. Way too good at reading. He's too good at reading. What's up? now? I bet he fucking stutters. Way too good at reading. He's too good at reading. What's up? The best talker ever. The little red, red, red, red writing hood. He gets

called on in class during popcorn. He's like, fucking hell. Here we go again. As the teacher. And he fucking stumbles through. That's the dude that corrects the teacher. Well, technically, no one cares. Shut the fuck up, nerd. No one cares.

I'm not hating on this guy. He sounds like an intelligent fellow, but I'm just saying, man. I've never been in that type of situation where I had to act dumber. This is a true story for me. I was always really good at math. Shut up. No, I swear to God.

I can't relate. All the equations and shit like that, I could just do them in my head. And the teacher would get me, I would get in trouble for it, so I'd have to start showing my work. And so I would just start writing random shit down, and then I would just have the right answer. And the teachers, I swear to fucking God. When it said show your work, that was my worst nightmare. Fuck that. I was always very very

good at math still am to this day what give me give me an equation 60 plus nine seven you're a fucking i'm trying to i don't know any equations i know you weren't i didn't want to pem does y equals mx plus b no yeah can you find slope slope slope yeah no back in the day but boy i was i was a badass at algebra and shit. You're like good at whale hunting. Yeah. It's like the lamest thing to brag about. Back in the day, I was good, fucking good at algebra.

Like all those other dudes are like, bro, I could have gone pro. I could have gone to fucking geometry. I could have gone math bowl. I'm a first round math bowl pick. If I didn't blow up my math hand, I'd have gone math Olympics for sure. No, math was always my worst subject. History. It's so boring.

Dude, I was trash at history. Because who cares? They'll be like, when was the war of 1812? You're like, fuck, I don't know, 1903? I've already seen all this. When was the war of 1812? BC or AD Who is Jesus?

Here's another one Adam VBVVVV Weirdest thing you ever wished for I wish to take karate lessons When I was like 6 Little did I know All I had to do was just ask my parents Did you guys ever take karate?

I always wanted to. Not karate, no. We did one free lesson. My mom won at the mall or whatever. We took one free lesson. I bet they just call everybody that even enters. Yeah, and they were just like, this is a punch. I was like, all right.

Did you wear the robe thing? I did not. We wore shorts and t-shirts. It's too much work. I'll just get my ass kicked low key. Whoop my ass. You got to go like every week, twice a week. Just fucking kick my ass, dude, honestly.

My grandma, when I was like 10 years old, bought me and my little brother ninja outfits. And I'd walk around full fucking ninja outfit just thinking I was a badass walking around the neighborhood. In the neighborhood? Yeah. I was always doing that shit in my house. And then this kid that was a couple years older than me fucking jumps out and tries to fight me. Beats my ass.

As you're dressed as a ninja. Not a good look for ninjas. What are you going to do, man? Yeah. It's all right. Yeah, he beat me up, and then I went home, and then I took off the ninja outfit. He's like, I think I'll do comedy.

This UFC dream isn't going to pan out. I think I'm going to practice my recorder. Yeah, hot cross buns on that ass. Hot cross buns type beat. In elementary school, I made our elementary school band as a recorder. Yeah? Yeah, there was like 10 of us. Save some posts for the rest of us.

No shit. Dude, I was swimming. Swimming. Save some posts for the rest of us. No shit. Dude, I was swimming. Swimming. Middle school band. As the recorder. That's the real thing. Band motherfuckers have to practice so much. I was in band at... The people that flip the guns? That's the Irish Guard.

The Color Guard. Is that a branch of the Army? I swear to God, it should be. You have a military discount? Yeah swear to God. It should be. The discipline is the same. You have a military discount? Yeah, well, branch of the army. Color guard. Those are real guns.

They're at the Golden Corral. You guys have an Irish guard discount? You got a color... Do I have my ID? No, no, it's not like that. I got a flag. I have my rifle. Color guard.

Dude. I don't know, but I've been told. Dude, I was in. Memorial Day, you're like, this is for me. I was in marching band in high school at Greenwood. Did your mom make you? I might as well.

Not really. At Greenwoodwood the only thing that was worth half of a damn was the marching band. Yeah, I really thought this band was kind of sick. I can still hear it from my house. I wasn't trying to do all the practicing. I went to Center Grove. I won state and got runner up in national

I won state and band too. The Southside band scene is no joke, Ben. It's no joke. Indiana. Oh yeah, the Greenwood marching band. They got that sign. Marching Band. 93, 94, 95, 96, 97. They really do. Every time I drive by and I see that 10, that's me.

That's me. They are in a very- What the fuck happened in 1994 for you guys? It's like the only year that's not there. I'm like- We slipped. We slipped. Taking it off here.

They play in like a shitty division, though. No, Class B is the- Class B. No, yeah. Class A. Taking it off here. They play in like a shitty division, though. No, Class B is the... Class B. No, yeah. Class A is where it's at. It's not the biggest division. It's just the best division. They're playing against like Trafalgar and Indian Creek and all these other fucking places.

Wow. Yeah, right? Whereas like Center Grove, we went up against Avon and Carmel and Lawrence Central and like... Jesus Christ. And he's going up against Indian Creek. All bitches. Indian Creek and who else is B? Money can't buy musicality, Ray.

Edinburgh. Ray just didn't come up out of the mud like me. I came up out of Greenwood, the real south side. The real south side. The wood. What did you play? Tuba. Really? Oh, yeah. Why does it look like you play? Tuba Really? Oh yeah

Why does it look like You play tuba? Ray walks in Dude I was a badass tuba player I kind of like the tuba My freshman year I was five foot tall Does that hurt?

Putting that big thing around you? No We don't The Center Grove didn't have The sousaphones They have the ones that go on the shoulders.

So we'd hold it up on our shoulders like this. Build the traps. Yep, my fucking shoulders to this day. I mean, like,

look at these fucking things. Swear to Bob. Shit's ripped. I take my shirt off like these muscles right here. I mean, it's gross.

Babe, you work out? Nah, from the tuba. This is all from the tuba, girl. What do you see what my mouth can do? I see my little muscles. These little muscles right here on your forearm? Those are from the tuba.

Does your mouth ever get sore? Like when you're blowing up a plastic pool or something? You know what I mean? Your mouth starts to get that fart. Bad, yeah. Does that happen? The tuba is a little looser, so you're like... You know what I mean? Your mouth starts to get like that. Bad, yeah. Does that happen? The tuba is a little looser, so you're like, you know? But you'd start playing hard, and your lips after a while would start getting a little tingly.

A little tingly, huh? What'd you play? The drums, like a snare drum. Really? Yeah, I tried to play the trumpet, but they said my tongue was too big. I swear to God. I swear. I swear. They were like, but they said my tongue was too big. I swear to God. I swear. I swear.

They were like, your tongue's pretty fucking big. I was like, yeah, oh, well, I mean, my bad. And they were like, yeah, that might fuck up every wind instrument for you. I was like, oh, sick. They're like, you can try the drums. I was like, all right. So I tried it, and that's what happened. Damn, your tongue's fucking huge.

That's big. Let me see it. I'm jealous. Yeah. You already knew that. I see what Mo sees. Let's go. Va, va, va, va.

Viral. Viral. Va, va, va, va. Viral. She want to see my viral. I like totals. I went viral once. I just had to take some pills and then clear it up.

Johnson. Hashtag. That joke was cold you're fucking both stupid i hate you hashtag ultimate fast food meal the mcgang bang like what's my gum i can't believe no one's made fun of that yet. The McGangbang? What is that? It's when you pull up the drive-thru and you, like, pull all the girls out of the drive-thru and then you... Oh, the sandwich. Um, oh, that's all.

It's... Jesus. What is it, dude? Is it like a McDouble with a McChicken on it? Yeah. Yeah. It's like a McDouble and a McChicken, like, one bun. You fucking put them...

You put it all in the same bun. It's the McGangbang. I'm not playing. I had two McChicken. You put it all in the same bun. I'm not playing. I had two McChickens on the way here. Like straight up OG? No, I did one with just ketchup and one with just mayonnaise. One with just? It had cheese, lettuce, and ketchup.

So it's not just ketchup? Shut the fuck up, Ray. I always got a McChicken with just ketchup. I can't. No cheese. You probably do no cheese for the fucking health of it. Dude, I can't ever taste cheese on shit. Are you shitting me?

When I go to Subway and get a sub and put cheese on it, I'm like, I can't remember if there's cheese on this or not. I can never taste cheese on shit. Chips and drink. I don't get- I was just going to throw this away. I don't get cheese on my subs either, but I do get it on like, I like mel taste cheese on shit. Chips and drinks. I don't get... I was just going to throw this away. I don't get cheese on my subs either, but I do get it on like... I like melty cheese on a burger or a McChicken though, but I don't get it on a cold club.

I don't get it on pizza. You're fucking... My favorite fast food meal, all right? And I worked at Wendy's. I like the... You were a manager. The Baconator, no ketchup, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickle added to it. Ooh, that would be good.

With one of the little barbecue sauces put on it fire wow okay that's a big ass how many like burgers are on that is it just one or they have like two at least two or three right oh it's i see what you're asking two right how many burgers is that i was like i only get the one burger but i just hate the word i hate the word patty patty i didn't want to say that you're moist're moist. It sounds so gross, bro. How many patties? I'm like, chicken pat. Imagine if your name was Patty. Crabby Patty. There's two slices of fresh ground, never frozen beef.

Yeah, what is up with that? It's really never frozen? They have square patties because they don't cut corners. That's right. That's why Wendy's has square patties. Shut up. It have square patties because... Why? They don't cut corners. That's right. That's why Wendy's has square patties. Shut up. Has square patties. Yeah, bro.

Yep. Because Dave Thomas said he didn't want to cut corners. Shit went and fucked you up, didn't it? You didn't even know. Wendy's was Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers at Wendy's. Those are fire, too. That's like their thing. The chicken nuggets, too, at Wendy's are really good.

That's their special move. Wendy's special move. The farf. Yeah. The farf. The farf. If Wendy's was in like... If we're doing like a fighting game with fast food restaurants, Wendy's are really good. That's their special move. Wendy's special move. The farf, farf, farf. Yeah. The farf, farf, farf. If Wendy's was in like, if we're doing like a fighting game

with fast food restaurants, Wendy's special. You know, you like hit the combo. It's the JBC. The special move. The fucking JBC. What's McDonald's special move? Definitely the Big Mac.

I think the special is the JBC. I mean, that's what they're known for. Yeah, Wendy's. Maybe it's the Baconator. I'm a nugget guy, dude. I they're known for. Yeah, Wendy's. Maybe it's the Baconator. I'm a nugget guy, dude. I don't know. Baconator's pretty new, though. It'd have to be like the double cheeseburger.

Dude, KFC, Famous Bowls. Okay, if we're building an ultimate fast food meal, what's the main entree? Can you mix and match the fries and the burger and the sandwich? Chick-fil-A fries, for sure. Chick-fil-A fucking sandwich, damn near. I don't know. I like it. I couldn't tell you. Last time I had Chick-fil-A. I sure. Chick-fil-A fucking sandwich, damn near. I don't know. I like it. I like it.

I couldn't tell you the last time I had Chick-fil-A. I like a good patty, though. I like a good hamburger patty. It might have to be... Is it Big Mac? Are we doing that? You see, I'm not a good judge for this, though, because I get all my cheeseburgers plain, so it's like... Oh, you still do that?

Why? You still do that? I'm 12 years old. Grow the fuck up. When people say plain, I'm like, so just bread and the meat? He's like, my nuggets aren't in the shape of dinosaurs. No, just ketchup. Don't get me started on the nuggets.

You don't like lettuce and tomato? I'd go nugget over burger. No, I like lettuce. I don't like tomato. But it's too much of a pain in the ass to be like, yeah, no tomato, but yes, lettuce, no onion, no fucking pickle. You're already a pain in the ass. You go to a place that's been making burgers for

fucking ever. I make it easy. I say just cheese and ketchup. And they fuck it up anyway. I don't even know why I say anything. I should just take all of it up. But I don't know. I don't know if I'd go Chick-fil-A fry, bro. What's the best fry? Rally's.

That's a popular answer, dude. Rookie A. Arby's. Oh, Arby's curly fries?, dude. Low-key, A. Arby's. Oh, Arby's curly fries? They got crinkle fries now, too. Those are fucking fire. I love Arby's curly fries. They're insane.

With their Arby's sauce. Arby's, like, people shit on Arby's, but, like, they've got some shit. No, I like Arby's. I just like the classic. The Arby's beef and cheddar with some curly fries, and you get a bronco berry sauce to put on that beef and cheddar? Yeah. Can't tell if he's been.

Bro. Bro. He's like, bro. Have you ever been to Arby's? He's got an Arby's fucking wrapper stick. I'm getting a McGangbang and a beef and cheddar on the way home. Arby's like size. Deal with it.

When they had five for five, they had like a turnover. They still got those. The chocolate covered. They got the chocolate covered apple turnover. No. No. No. They got the chocolate covered apple turnover. No. No. No. They got an apple turnover, right?

Yeah. And then they got a cherry turnover. The special is the Jamocha shake. Nobody has that. The Jamocha. Nobody has that. That's the best shake. Remember the first time you got a Jamocha shake and you're like, you want the rest of

this, mom? Seriously. And your mom was like, yeah, sure. I'll have a sip. Finishes in three seconds. You didn't like the Jamocha shake? I thought I would. As much as you like coffee?

I was like a kid when I had that. Too much Java. Too much coffee for me. Too much Java. The best shake, like if you're getting a shake and you got to pick chocolate, strawberry, or vanilla, it's vanilla. It is. I like strawberry.

She says it is. I go vanilla too, but typically I like vanilla. Straw, vanilla, dude. Vanilla, dude. Vanilla? You know, you ever have a strawberry shake and you're halfway through. You just have sex laying on your back or just some missionary. Is that how you do it? You just vanilla with everything in your fucking life.

How do you have sex? Upside down every time? On my belly. On an inversion table. On my belly. It doesn't matter. Behind me. Doggy style.

Her behind me. Ray's always on top top what's the best thing at taco bell uh the fucking baja blouse i like the uh basic i do i like the cheesy gordita crunches those are good those are very good crunch wrap supreme very yes that's their best thing it's their best thing it's their special Cheesy gordita crunches. Those are good. Those are very good. Crunchwrap Supreme. Very, yes. Crunchwrap Supremes are good. That's their best thing. It's their best thing. That's their special move. Remember Nachos Bel Grande? That's their special move.

I used to be addicted to that shit. I used to ask for that for my birthday. I used to get it no beans because they put way too many fucking beans on it. Yeah. I think they like try to compensate for the meat. Yeah. That's we won't know. It's the same killer.

Slap it on there. Don't. It's just like we don't have any more meat. Just put on more beans. Like always. Damn, I'm hungry, bro. Put on some frijoles. No, I don't.

Taco Bell is so bad. I don't ever fuck with Taco Bell. I always sub the meat out. You ever try one of the Dorito ones? Dorito burritos? The Locos Tacos? Oh, dude, they used to have one at Taco Bell with fucking the Fritos on it.

Remember that? Yeah. And they were like a dollar. The Frito Burritos or whatever. That shit was dirty. The Frito. Yeah. Until you like...

We never made a meal, though. We didn't answer this question at all, yeah, but we got some shit done. So what was the burger? What was the burger that we all agreed on? I don't know. I really... I like Burger King because I just like their, like, style, but I don't give a fuck about the Whopper.

Does anybody like that? I like the Whopper. Like, it's good, but I'm not like, duh, I want a Whopper. I think Wendy's has a better burger than Burger King. You're just biased. What about, like, Steak and Shake? I think McDonald's, I think the Big Mac's better than the Whopper. What about the Steak and Shake?

Steak and Shake is... You don't like the Smash Burgers? You don't like the Smash Burgers? You don't like the Smash Burgers? I don't know. Steak and Shake is all right. The Frisco Melt, that's about all they got. The Frisco. The Frisco Melt's badass.

Such a high school stuff. Dude. Frisco Melt's nice. After the basketball game, you guys want to go get some Friscos? In the parking lot? Fries? That is like a getaway in high school. A cup of cheese?

Especially, yeah, around Indiana. A cup of cheese. The fucking Steak and Shake at 3 a.m. Steak and Shake fries, dude. They were good. No, they're not. The shoestring fries. You didn't like them?

See, I do like them. I do like them. No, okay, burger then. We're going Wendy's. I'd be happy to go Wendy's. I think Wendy's has a good burger. They remind me of Krabby Patties. Like, if Krabby Patties were real, it'd be Wendy's.

Krabby what? It'd be Wendy's? Yeah, it'd be Wendy's. All right, so burger and Wendy's has a good burger. They remind me of Krabby Patties. Like if Krabby Patties were real, it'd be Wendy's. Krabby what? It'd be Wendy's? Yeah, it'd be Wendy's. All right, so burger at Wendy's. So we're going to the JBC? Yeah. The JBC at Wendy's. The fries are at Arby's.

Arby's. Arby's curly fries. And beverage? Are we going shake? Are we going Jamocha shake? Or is that too fucking off the wall? I'm going to do shake and soda. What about when you got like a meal at a fast food place and you're like, can I swap out

the drink? Yeah. You know what I think is an unpopular opinion here? McDonald's sweet tea? Meh. I hate sweet tea. Yeah, the McDonald's sweet tea? It's all fucking sugar. What non-shake drink are we going with then?

McDonald's Sprite? Yeah. McDonald's Hi-C Orange. People talk about McDonaldite? Yeah. McDonald's Heisei Orange. People talk about McDonald's Sprite. Is that bad? Oh, Heisei Orange. McDonald's Heisei Orange. Ew, no. It makes me car sick.

You don't like it? Even when I'm not in the car. Over Baja Blast, though? I don't like Baja Blast. It gives me a headache. I actually do, but I'd rather drink Sprite on a more consistent basis. Me too. I go Sprite.

Sprite. My biggest problem with Sprite is sometimes it's out of the syrup in the fountain. Sometimes you get all the way home and it's just fucking carbonated water. Tastes like absolute shit. No scissor. No, I hear that. I feel that. Because you can't tell.

You know? Fast food dessert, though. Like, food dessert. I don't know if I've ever gotten fast food. Dessert. The Cinnamelt. I don't know if I've ever gotten fast food. The Cinnamelt from McDonald's. The Cinnamelt. I don't know if I've ever gotten fast food. The Cinemelt from McDonald's.

The Cinemelt. Holy fuck. I used to have that for breakfast, though. The Cinemelt from McDonald's was fire. What the fuck is that? Just that big cinnamon roll? No, right? It came in like a box, right?

Yeah, it came in a box. Like a Big Mac box. Yes. There was like four of them, but you split it off, and it was so much icing. Oh, my God, dude. Try one. Do they still sell them? Oh, you know what?

You know what's underrated, though? Burger King, the French toast sticks. Nobody has them. I've never had them. I don't think I've ever had them either. Sorry, bud. Sorry. Wow, that's a whole other thing, the breakfast.

Yeah, it's true. Ultimate fast food breakfast. I like McDonald's breakfast. I like the hash brown bites at Burger King. You know what I'm talking about? The little circles? I like the hash browns at McDonald's. Yeah, I do too.

I like McDonald's bagels. What? Yeah. Oh, that is a good one. Like the bacon, egg, and cheese? The bacon, egg, and cheese bagel is fucking fire. Really? Oh my God. What kind of weird mustard sauce is fucking fire. Really? Oh, my God.

What kind of weird mustard sauce do they put on there? Whatever that shit is. I think they just fucking... I don't know what that is, but I'm always like, I didn't ask for that, but fuck it. There's some weird yellow shit on there, yeah, and it's just like, what the fuck? You just eat it anyway. Yeah, you're so down with it. It's like the stuff they put on the Taco Bell quesadilla.

I'm like, I don't know what it is, but give it here. I don't want to know. I don't like that sauce at all. Really? Yeah. I pretend I don't know what's on there every single time I get one. And then I eat it, and I'm like, oh, yeah. I like my quesadilla pretty plain, though.

Just chicken and cheese. Feel that. Or just cheese. I don't give a shit. Or steak and cheese. Chick-fil-A breakfast, though. I've never had Chick-fil-A. I haven't either.

What the fuck? Gotta keep it real, my boy. Dude, I haven't had Chick-fil-A since I was in high school when the one in San Diego opened up. One day for breakfast, get the little chicken minis. They're like mini chicken nuggets, and they come on a little doughy-ass bread biscuit thing. A little doughy-ass bread biscuit. Okay. You'd fuck them up.

Hashtag. We're like two of we were doing a podcast Actually let's go to days Days of the week You got a hashtag? No We just spent 25 minutes Talking about fucking

Junior bacon cheeseburgers Dude when I wrote that down I was like oh fuck This is gonna fuck Wednesday National school nurse day Here's a nice pic Has anybody ever had a hot school nurse?

No. Yes. I always went to see them. Did the nurse double as like your sex ed teacher? Ours didn't. Dude, I swear our nurse was like the cafeteria lady, the sex ed teacher, sometimes the gym teacher. The bus driver. She was like a fucking five tool player.

She was, bro. She could hit for the fucking cycle. I never wanted to miss school, though. Ours had the stankiest breath ever. I never remember. What was yours? We shouldn't say their names. I went to Pleasant Grove Elementary.

But what was it? I went to Pleasant Grove Elementary. But you would go in there, and she had... Her breath was so so foul i have to do this for a second yeah yeah you're good and then you go in there and she's like holding like the thermometer in your mouth just right into your face so it's like all you can fucking breathe and you're like i'll just go back to class i'll just throw up in the hallway do you ever throw up in school no but i did piss myself in school twice i kind of of shit myself a little bit. Senior year.

I pissed myself in school. Of college. Of college. Yesterday. I pissed myself once in jeans in first grade, and we had like a buddy system where somebody had to walk you to the nurse's office, and the whole time he was like, how did you hurt yourself? And I was like, oh, I didn't.

He's like, what happened? You look okay. And I was like, fuck me, man. I'm like, well, I'm not going to tell you I pissed. So I just told him I had a headache, and he was like oh I didn't he's like what happened you look okay and I was like fuck me man I'm like well I'm not gonna tell you I pissed so I just told him

I had a headache and he's like oh okay I'm not gonna tell you I pissed bro and then I pissed myself in the 8th grade and

whoa how damn that's way too old it was both 5th grade I kinda shit myself like is that too old yeah yeah like I had

I had diarrhea like hard Yeah And I like let the first wave go by And it was like Oh my god So I was like Okay I gotta like I gotta like

A little bit of time here That was just wave one Wave one Wave one If you want to start a podcast I shit myself Within the last seven years How?

I shit myself I mean I probably have too Honestly Yeah Seven years ago for you It was ten What'd you say? last seven years. How? I mean, I probably have too, honestly. Yeah. Seven years ago for you is ten. What'd you say? I love making fun of internet shit around Liam because we see all the same shit.

He says when you fart and it's not a fart. When you think it's a fart but it's not. Oh, yeah. But it had other plans. No. So I was in Canada, right? I was in Canada, okay? No, you weren't. I was in Canada. Right? I was in Canada. Okay?

No, you weren't. I was. I was in Canada. And we were at this little, tiny, little mom and pop restaurant. And I said, I'll order the Reuben. Oh, dude, wait. I love Reubens. You love mom, mom, pop.

I hate mom, pop, anything, bro. Why? We're going to this little mom and pop restaurant. I'm like, fuck mom, mom, pop. I hate mom, pop anything, bro. Why? We're going to this little mom, pop restaurant. I'm like, fuck mom, pop, bro. You like your big chains? If they were so good, they'd be a chain. I'm not sitting in a wooden antique chair. This place is called Judy's Diner. I hate mom, pop

shops. Mom, pop, shop. So I go, I want the Ruben. And she said, nobody's ordered the Reuben in a long time. And I'm like, well, I'm going to order it. I think we got some roast beef from 2016. I should have known. Because I got done there. And then I went back because I was helping my buddy work on his house when I was in Canada.

And I went there, got up on the scaffolding. And all of a sudden, my stomach was. I was like Canada and I went there, got up on the scaffolding and all of a sudden my stomach was I was like, oh shit. So I climbed down off and before I could get into his house,

all of my shorts. I was like, ugh. You thought it was a fart and it just wasn't. No, I did. I never once thought it was a fart, bro.

I thought for sure. He knew. He said, yeah, I'm shitting myself. I knew when I was a story up on that scaffolding my stomach i was like oh we're about to poo hey and i didn't it wasn't a throw up you know did you why does why can't it ever come out that way why doesn't it why is sometimes it's throw up and sometimes it's shit no do you uh you just throw the underwear out or what if we just

threw up instead of that, you know? Just throw up our diarrhea? No, it's not like diarrhea, but instead of diarrhea. Instead of shitting the amount of times we normally shit, we just throw up. No, I don't think I'd like that as much. I go to the bathroom, and it's just stalls of people like, You go to a fucking Colts game at halftime, old country buffet bathroom, there's fucking four guys in there. It's like fucking dairy.

Dairy just messes with me. It's just normal. There's like mouthwash inside a toilet paper. You're like, oh, oh, oh, oh. Like, why can't it be like that? And then the one time you shit, you're like, did you hear last night? He shit. Dude, it got bad last night.

He shit. He shit on the way home in the Uber. I can't come to work today. Did you shit all over the Uber? I can't come to work today. I've been... Shitting all morning. I shit last night.

Oh my God, stay home. Like how you like vomit. Just like I was vomiting last night. I was like, oh yeah. If there's anything we can do. National fruit cocktail day. Can't do it. Love a fruit cocktail.

Can't do it. Shit on a fruit in fruit cocktail. Can't do it. Shit on a fruit in fruit cocktail. Can't do it. All of them. Oh, grapefruit. Grapefruit gets shit. Grapefruit is weird, bro. Grapefruit fucks up everything.

It really does. I'm like, okay. Yeah. Like, it's not good. But you remember those old cans of fruit cocktails with the syrup and shit? Oh, my God. I love that stuff. Like, in a can that you got to open with a can opener or like a fucking Danon.

Either one of those two. Yeah. Those cherries in there were like, this isn't a cherry. This is a sucker from the bank. Exactly. Those are the greatest fucking cherries you'll ever. Dude, that juice in there, though. Like if Danon made like a juice that's in a fruit

cup drink. If Minute Maid put that shit in like a fucking bottle, that's all I would drink. That's what I'm saying, yeah. Inject it into my veins. Hey. Just like this. See? Okay. No, but the answer's honeydew. That's the

worst fruit in a fruit cocktail. Honeydew? Honeydew, like the green cantaloupe? Yeah, I don't like those. I like melon. It is weird. There's a fruit tray, and everybody goes through it and eats it. It's always the honeydew left. You're like, what the fuck?

Yeah, I don't like those. But my honeydew. Never let me back on the fucking show. Never. He's good with them though Yeah you're good That's why I should be a stand up Fuck y'all National buttermilk biscuit day

Those are alright I legitimately want to know who makes these days though They dry me out too quick What? Yeah Buttermilk biscuits? Yeah What's your biscuit of like

What's your I like it What's your Michael Jordan of biscuits? I like an English muffin. I hate English muffins. You don't like them? No? No. There's so many fucking crumbs for breakfast. You ever cut an English muffin open? It's like, get the Swiffer! Because all that seasoning or whatever

just falls off? Dude, it's so crumbly. I'm like, fuck it! I'll just eat the jelly with a spoon. I'm not a biscuit guy. Which is the way to go anyway. I can't weigh in on this. I don't really eat biscuits at all. You remember those biscuits? What do you mean? Remember those biscuits where you used to be able to pull them apart?

Oh, you could peel them, fuck off. Those are fire. When my mom made those, I was like And everyone had the exact amount of butter on it, right? God damn who made those. Yeah, I've never had it. What are those even called? Since I was like 15, I've never seen one.

Bro, if your mom threw those in a basket, you could put anything else on my plate and I'd be like, I'm sold. It's for abs. Yeah, eat your broccoli and I'll give you another biscuit. Those peel biscuits. Those peel fucking biscuits, man. Dude, those things were fire. Probably Pillsbury. They really were.

Probably was Pillsbury Yeah what is it My mom used to make the breadsticks I'm gonna message my mom tonight And she used to do She used to do the thing She used to grab them by each end A little twisty Yeah

A little twisty How much better did that make them Just the Just this Plain one I'd be like I want them for my birthday A little spin action Fuck a cake

Saturday National learn to swim day my birthday. A little spin action. Fuck a cake. Saturday. National Learn to Swim Day. Did you guys take swimming lessons? I didn't. No. I grew up swimming a lot, though. I guess I can't. I really don't even remember learning to swim.

I just remember swimming. But I've been seeing videos on TikTok. If you had the right dad, he just threw you in a lake. Dude, I was just about to say that. And it was like, figure it out, queer. And you're just like, all right. I've been seeing videos on TikTok of parents throwing their small children in pools, and they're just like, oh, I'll figure it out.

They're like, this is how you do it. Infants, I guess, are like, they come out knowing how to swim. They're like, well, in case he falls in the pool and nobody's home, I'm like, what do you think? He's going to fucking tread water for a half hour? What the fuck is going on here? Working out. He's fucking toast.

Can't be kids drown every year? Cover the pools. You need to teach these people how to swim. Diving lessons, bro. Bro, any time I see a high dive, I just want to break in and just fucking jump off. Pencil dive. Oh, my God. I always do the jackhammer one like this.

Put the leg up. There he goes. I thought that was the one where you hold your knee up against your chest. It's something like that. You go down like this. That would actually be funny as fuck. You just see the water ripple. New dives.

Ben Polizzi with the jackhammer. As you hit the water, the water just fucking... You go down with one with those bright construction jackets swear to bob swear to bobby when did bobby i'm gonna like break this microphone i haven't stopped

touching it this whole time no you're good yeah touch it touch it don't put it up again don't put it in your mouth though all right one more day sunday national piercing

day you guys get your ears does anybody have any piercings? Has anyone ever gotten anything pierced? I've never been pierced. You've never had your ears pierced? That surprises me. Yes. You look like your parents wouldn't let you, but you would want it. You would do it.

No, I never. You would have just the left ear one. I think white guys look weird with ears. You would have just your left ear pierced, but the whole time you'd be self-conscious of it because you're like, is this the gay side or the straight side? So you just wear Dre beats every day, all day. What's up?

Yeah, I'm listening to something. The bright red ones. What's that? What's that? No, I have a Prince Albert. I could see Liam growing his bangs out like those TikTok kids and he has like the ear. The dangly one. My ears are too.

My ears stick out too. Those cross earrings that dangle do kind of go hard. My ears one. My ears are too. My ears stick out too. Those cross earrings that dangle do kind of go hard. My ears stick out too. They don't, but like low-key they do. You know what I mean? They don't at all.

I hate them. I never wear them, but in the back of my head I'm like they do kind of go hard. But. No. But. But I'm not leaving my chick

alone with one of them. Swear to Bob. No, I don't have anything pierced. I'm scared. Kind of low-key. I always wanted my ears gauged. No way. I always thought gauged ears...

You were a rocker, though. Yeah, you were a rocker. I thought gauged ears and a pierced lip was just the fucking coolest shit. What about the dudes with the nose ring? I don't think that. I didn't like that one. They might as well just...

I did like the... I was an old emo kid, so I always wanted my lip pierced. And then, dude, if it wasn't for the recession and then me having to go work at Wendy's, I'd have had all this shit done. Really? But Wendy's was like, no piercings on dudes, none of that shit, or we'll fire you.

So I never got it done. That would have attracted the kind of chicks you like, too. Yeah, I'd love me. A lip ring. If you had a lip ring now. Wouldn't that be weird? No way. 37 lip ring.

You don't dress like lip ring. No. You gotta dress the way your pierc. 37 lip ring. You don't dress like lip ring. No. You gotta dress the way your piercings are. Yeah. I would look weird. I would just have that spot right there. Do you like girls with nose rings? I mean, I've dated a mess of them.

A mess of them. Why is that like a perfect description? I attract a trashy girl, you know what I mean? Trashy tens. No one's got... No one's got tats in there, right? Who's not? I don't have any tattoos. I don't. I can't commit to it.

I don't even not like them. I just can't commit to it. I've got Kilroys tattooed on the inside of my lips so I can get in for free. No, I said it. It's not even a line. Is that a thing? That's not even a thing. You spelled it wrong. It says Kill Rays.

You're not even allowed in here anymore. No, I always wanted tattoos. I do. I want a sleeve of tattoos. One side is for music. All of my favorite band logos on it. The other side is comedy albums with all my favorite comedy albums on it. That's what I want.

I'm going to do that just with NFL teams. What's up? Just one Colts tattoo. You're going to get a Nike swoosh somewhere. Jordan's on my back. I love when I see dudes with Jordan Lug on their back. Always had a water park. Jordan Lug on the back of a car, bro.

Always had a water park. I thought that shit was hard. The giant swoosh on the whole back of a car, bro. Always at a water park. No, you swoosh. Yeah, yeah. I thought that shit was hard. The giant swoosh on the whole back windshield. Always at Mexican. And it says... I can see you with that, too. Like, your Civic, your three-tone Civic. It's got three different colors on it.

Big spoiler. And it says Polizzi. It says Polizzi on the windshield, like those old, like, medieval letters. Old English. Yeah. God damn it. With the fucking Nike.

With the Nike suit. It's a stick shift. Yeah, with the old rice muffler. The old ricers. The lights underneath. You can hear it coming down the street from a fucking mile away. Trash radio system. Yeah, just blowing the speakers speakers out Listening to some ass music

Oh it was so bad You ever been in the side of a guy's car That had the fucking It's the most annoying fucking car Dude I hate it Cause he's always like He's like I love this song I never understood that

You never hear the fucking song. I never understood that at all. It doesn't sound good. Like, nothing about it sounds cool or good. I never got... It was just loud as fuck. Bro. You don't even know.

You're like, who is this? This is good. He's like, it's Kanye. Bro. I don't... But they like it, though. I don't know why they like it. I don't know.

Do they? I think they do. Because they're like, listen. And they crank the shit. Listen. Yeah, listen. He goes, that's not even all the way up on the bass. That's not even all the way up on the bass. If it does we'll get a ticket. Yeah.

Listen to this. It's bass boost and all of a sudden you're just like, bass boost. Everybody's fucking head just blows up. So stupid. Everybody's head pops. Dude, every time I was in a car like that I was like, yeah, this is dope, bro. I drive like a horse. Yeah, my...

Nose tickling. I'd get like... It was tight. Like my head would just like feel like all that pressure and I would just like get queasy and shit. I'm just like, oh my God. I can't believe that was a thing. Dude, I am so glad that it's...

Like, when was the last time you really heard something like that? Like music? Dude, that's going to come back. You know it's going to come back, and it's going to piss me the fuck off. I listen to music on like 16 volume. Me too, and I drive under the speed limit, and I'd just be chilling. Me too. I'd just chill.

I really never go over. I listen to music literally on like 12. If I'm driving... I swear to God. I listen to AM radio. If I'm driving under 80 on 465, I get so pissed off. I never know the speed limit, so I'm like, I don't know. I guess I'll go like 50.

Ben drives. I guarantee he drives with his foot on the armrest on the side of the car. It's always out the window. Out the window. Yeah, I can see that. No, I just... Those old speaker systems. Maybe it'd be 3 a.m.

You'd be laying in your fucking bed. You'd just hear... Out front, yeah. And you would ever know the song either. You're just like, God damn it. They don't even know the song. They don't know the song. I bet you they just have some dude.

I got a recording of this dude playing bass. Yeah, you can get that. Yeah. Yeah. And you know he still lives with his parents. You can get that. Cost me $12,000 for this that. Yeah. Yeah. And you know he still lives with his parents. You can get that. Cost me $12,000 for this system. That's great.

That big ass thing in your trunk, too. I was always wondering, like, where do you put things you need to, like, haul around? They don't get groceries. They don't have responsibilities. All right. That's shot 158. That's it? That's it. I was just warming up, bro. Yeah, I swear to God. That's all right8 That's it? That's it

I was just warming up bro Yeah I swear to god That's alright We'll just Next week Yeah alright Next week I'm here Yeah I'm free

If you want to actually Just pencil it in right now No I only let my guests know Five hours before the show I like that I'd be the same way Florence Peterson Added me as a friend

On Snapchat I might start a podcast. Seems easy. All you do is spit into the fucking mic. Not even our mics. Me and Liam are going to start one. We told you about it, right? Ours is going to be called Cappuccino.

Yeah. Decaf. I'm just going to hack into your computer's mainframe and look at your show rundown list and just do the same show. Release it an hour before. Every same day. I'm going to have to have lower tables for ours because I want to put my leg up too. Yeah, my table is going to be like a coffee table.

Not even a table issue. For me, it's a hamstring issue, groin issue. Yeah, so check out our new podcast, me and Liam. We're starting next week. It's going to be called Cappuccino. Cappy. Shot 158. Shot one coming out. We got shot one coming out.

Slow roast. That's the second one. That's the roast where we roast celebrities. Where are we doing it? Pike Place. That's so stupid. All right. Follow Ray and Liam on Instagram.

At RayHensleyComedy on everything. Yeah, and you know where to find me. At Liam Pinheiro. No squiggly. On everything. Talk to you next week. That's an awfully hot coffee pot. Bye.

High five. an awfully hot coffee pot. I've had. Bye. Bye. High five. Check out that BOD. BOD for me. I want their BOD. BOD man fragrance brain.