Espresso - eat crust or die

Episode Date: August 18, 2021

🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻����𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw on this episode Ben answers the Espresso Question of the week: embarrassing things about yourself you can't admit (like faking your pubic hair until high school) Ben reveals what it would be like if his his dad wrote a children's book, tells us what food he will serve at his wedding and explains why he can only sh*t in public ✨𝗨𝗽𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘄𝘀✨ Helium Comedy Club | Indianapolis, IN | Aug 19th 8:30 🎟 https://indianapolis.heliumcomedy.com/events/45726 Comedy Caravan | Louisville, KY | Aug 20,21 7:30/9:30 🎟 https://www.thecaravan2017.com/events/46921 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Shot 172. What the hell is this? Is this my neighbor's bug zapper in the middle of the night? God damn, I wish. Are those even allowed anymore? Did you ever... Dude, we had, like... We had this neighbor that had, like, every house accessory ever.

He loved his house. I love people with that much pride, you know? They just make their shit so good. Everything was just like... He had one of those awnings that when you have a deck and the sun's hitting it all day, there was one of those awnings that came out

parallel over the fucking deck. They're on infomercials for like one whole summer. I was like, mom! She's like, no. I just wanted everything I saw. But he had one of those bug zappers too. It was just hanging from like his shed in his backyard because he obviously had a shed.

He had every accessory when I think about it. But every fucking two seconds it'd be like sleeping in the middle of the night, just hear this. Every couple of seconds it'd be like you'd hear a big ass bug hit it and it'd be like this guy didn't give a fuck, bro.

But also had the worst Halloween candy. Like, all that. You know you go to a house and you're like, oh, shit, this house is going to have the most lit Halloween candy, and they let you down? You're like, hmm? I think this guy gave out, like, he was one of those houses that, like, gave out Hershey kisses.

You're like, dude, get some fucking bars. Get some bars. If you don't have bars, just turn your lights off and shut your door and put a note outside of it. Out of town. What's up? Shot 172.

Shoot. I just did that because I didn't know what episode Yep, shot 172 Espresso podcast with Ben Polizzi Remember to subscribe On YouTube, Instagram Twitter, TikTok Cameo, Patreon

All at Benedict Polizzi Started the Patreon Got the episode, got the espresso shot On their espresso VIP Exclusive episode All that Benedict Polizzi. Started the Patreon. Got the episode. Got the espresso shot on there. Espresso VIP exclusive episode with Hannah Burner. You guys should check it out. It was a really good podcast. She was dope.

It was when she was in town at Helium. We had a good time. Just went on her podcast, Burning in Hell. And it should be released in the next couple of weeks. I'll let you know. Show's coming up i'm at louisville i'm in louisville i'm at louisville i'm at louisville this weekend i'm at the caravan it's a badass club in louisville come through friday night saturday

night two shows each night 7 30 9 30 pop out i'll be with sean latham. I can't wait. It's my dude. And then Thursday, before I head to Louisville Thursday, I'm at Helium Comedy Club in Indy for Rogues Gallery in the upstairs room. It's hosted by Alex Price. It's my dog, too. There's going to be a lot of good comedians on that. Pull up. Come through. It'll be fun.

Thursday, 8 o'clock, Helium, Indianapolis. 7.30, 9.30, Friday and Saturday in Louisville at the Caravan. Oh, that guy's house in my neighborhood, dude. I love the house. Dude, I swear to God, I begged my mom every day when I was a kid, every day, to get one of those playgrounds in the backyard. And my mom just said, you know those playground playgrounds that are like, like they're not a game. There's some playgrounds that people have in their backyards growing up and you're like, oh, it's one of those.

Yeah. Like, it's not even worth me trying and getting a splinter on those, you know? You're like, I don't know. It's just like, it's just like a C-plus playground. And then there's some playgrounds with the awning over the top of the peak of the playground. It's like rainbow. It's like red, yellow, blue. You're like, you know that playground? How lit were those?

I asked my mom every goddamn day for one of those. Every single day. And I swear to God, she was thinking about getting me one at one point but she was just like she said no long enough until i like grew out of that phase i grew out of that face like last year so she held strong no like i don't know it was like a perfect situation me growing up like we like there's a whole entire elementary school behind our house, and it just had a huge-ass playground.

Like, it had, like, three playgrounds on it. That playground was, like, my, like, escape. And I was always, like, when I'm mad, I'm just going to run away. And, like, my runaway spot, you know, when you're a kid, you're like, I'm going to run away. And your mom's like, yeah, right, bitch. My, like, destination in my mind was just under the slide at this playground and i was just gonna live there then like run back home for dinner and shit the kids in my neighborhood growing up were so uh like i feel like they were so like i never wanted to play i was i must have

been i think i was a pretty shy ass kid. Because whenever people were like, yo, you want to play with me and my friends? My first instinct was like, hell no. But I feel like some people's instincts at that point would be like, yeah! I never wanted to do shit with other people. If there's a gang of kids in the neighborhood and they're like, oh, come on with us! I'd be like, let me ask my mom. Then I'd never come back.

I don't know why I was so scared of shit growing up. Like when somebody rang the doorbell at my house, I feel like some kids would be like excited about it. Like I was like, I remember hiding in like in my like I remember when people would ring my doorbell growing up. I was so terrified. I I would turn into a spy. I'd turn into James Bond and try to look through windows and see reflections to see if they're there or not. I can't remember one time in my life growing up that I was with my entire family and someone rang the doorbell and we all were like, Oh, who's it going to be this time? No, we're all like, get down. And the person who's like, I'll get it. You're like, oh my God.

Dude, I swear. Like the person who was like, I'll get it. My whole family hid behind walls and we like looked over the walls. We were like is it and like listening to the conversation at the door you'd be like you'd be such in shock of the shit they were saying like that's when you turn on your like your like uh actual real person voice you know you're just like fucking around like with your family and stuff you're just being cool and then somebody rings the doorbell the whole vibe the all the energy in the house just gets sucked out and you have to go to the door and be like hey I hate that fucking voice whenever I have to put on that voice is my worst fear of all time anytime anytime I talk to a table at work I'm like why that is not when I'm at the restaurant I'm like that is not my voice even when like my co-workers who know me walk behind like walk near my table and I'm talking to them I'm like okay get out get

out of here this is no this is my confidential work voice you cannot hear my voice right now I'm such a bitch so you guys want to start with any appetizers or what are you thinking it's always like that It's always like that. It's always like that high voice. You know when your voice gets high that you're just being such a piece of bullshit. So what do you guys want some drinks? What are we thinking? Phone voice and work voice.

That's my mom's whole life. When my mom would answer the phone, bro. She'd be totally, flip the switch totally. switch totally She'd be like hey shut the fuck up Hello polencies I was like wait Wait a second You're not that person Let's get to the question of the week

Quick quick quick quick quick Question of the week Week Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. Week. Week. What's something embarrassing about yourself you don't want to admit? I thought this came up because a couple weeks ago I was talking about the only things I'm confident in in my life. And the only street smarts, street smarts. The only street knowledge i have is

all from grand theft auto i don't know how i was allowed to play that game or what happened but somehow i got that game like and it was just like a stroke of luck like i don't know what maybe it was like maybe it was my friends and they left out my house maybe it was like my cousins i don't know what happened but i got that game and that shit changed my life dude and that's how i learned shit like there were like missions and stuff on there and there's like the italian mob and shit and they just like that i was just like oh like i learned like what a car bomb was i was like is that i guess everything i know is like very explicit but that shit taught me a lot right let's get to it what's the most embarrassing thing about yourself you don't want to admit here we go underscore rogue underscore sensi what's the most embarrassing thing you do that

you don't want to admit I get like visible physical twitches like Tourette's but I haven't been diagnosed with that when I think of some cringe situation my past or some cringe things that I said are done they're uncontrollable oh dude I think that's pretty normal I thought I had Tourette's the other day do when I work out I think of everything I hate and I just scream and shit but like when there's like i'll be like i'll be like in a private empty gym you know what i mean like my work has a gym and i'm just like i know there's no one down there so i can do whatever i want in there and i literally scream during pull-ups because i think of like something i said to

someone i'm like here we go tyler Tyler Johnson underscore 25. What's the most embarrassing thing about yourself that you don't want to admit? What's up, Ben? The most embarrassing thing that I don't want to admit to people is that I have abnormally large nips. I feel like I am low-key blessed because I have just a normal ass like quarter size nipple you ever see somebody with huge nipples growing up and you're just like wow can't change that like you can literally change anything else like your your teeth you can can fix. You can fix everything, but like your nipple. I guess you can fix your nipple size too, but like damn. You ever see somebody with like tiny fucking nipples?

Like the size of a pinky nail. They just look like two freckles. You're like, huh? Doesn't look bad, I guess. Dude. Nipples are a weird thing. Remember that first time you like went to a pool party with people like you people at your school that you hung out with you like actually got to

see you're like whoa or like the first you like got to see what was all about like oh that's what his nipples look like holy fuck like I'm gonna have to get used to that. I remember the first time we went, like, my sixth grade basketball team, like, just whatever. We had, like, and there was a kid on the team, and, like, his, you know, his chest just looked like somebody fucking,

he looked like he took a, like, a wrecking ball to the chest. And I've never, like, even thought about what this kid looked with his shirt off, but he took his shirt off, and everybody's like, oh! This dude's chest, bro. You could put a whole coffee cup in his chest. There we go.

Most embarrassing thing that you don't want to admit, claw balls. People tell me to speak up but I'm paranoid about projecting my voice because I feel like my breath might always smell even though I practice great oral hygiene I would rather

be a low talker than anything associated with halitosis dude is that why people are quiet I never thought about this. Are people... You know when you say what to somebody like 14 times and you're like, holy shit, they're going to kill me?

Like, I'm deaf. Either I'm deaf or like, I don't know. I always think it's my fault. I'm like, I seriously have a hearing problem because like, if everybody else in the world can hear you and I can't, like, it's me. I feel like they're going to take out a knife after like the third what is it because they're scared that their breath always smells

that's insane every quiet person ever hey your breath smells i don't project my voice because i don't I never know what I'm talking about. Like if somebody asks me something and they're like across like a room, I'm like, ah, shit. I think. I don't want to be loud and wrong. Here we go. Henry Scully.

What's the most embarrassing thing about yourself that you don't want to admit? My family lived in a camper for three months trying to build a cabin. We didn't get very far and basically gave up. Not many people know about this, but my wife likes to make fun of how we pooped

in holes and bathed in a river. Bro, that is... What a family proposal. Like your dad just walks downstairs one day and he's like, hey guys, I got plans. I don't know, some little part of me just loves the fact that, like, I would be able to live in a camper for three months. There's some part of my brain that just likes living in weird places. Like, I always wanted to, like, live in a closet. You know how Kanye West, like, trapped himself in that, like, weird room in the Atlanta Stadium,

Mercedes-Benz Stadium? That's, like, my dream. I love that shit. Like, I feel that. Like, nobody thought that was weird, did they? He was just, like, finishing an album. Like, that's what you gotta do. Like, you just gotta lock yourself away and become crazy for a little bit.

That's my shit. What I'm saying is saying is yeah i could live in jail i always just wanted to have the weirdest room and it happened a couple times like in college i lived in like living rooms a couple times like i just have a bed and it was so like i guess i think a camper would be lit. Maybe not with your whole family, but that's way too close. You'd like smell your family. Some people are like, I can't shit in public. I can only crap at my house. I'm like, dude, I can't even. I don't even like doing that.

Like when I go to the bathroom in our apartment and one of our other friends is over i'm like should i go down to starbucks and take a take a deuce embarrassing things about yourself that you don't want to admit chris golger i quote the same movies over and over again because I only watch the same five movies. That's my dog, dude. How can't you watch the same? Once I like a movie, I'm like, that's it. That's the only one. That's the only one I like.

It is easy to quote movies around people when you can't figure out a good thing to talk about. You just quote a movie and you're like, yeah, whatever. That'll do. you just quote a movie and you're like yeah whatever that'll do that that is like my my emergency like break in case of emergency is just like five movie quotes I'll say anytime somebody says sloppy joes I'm like you like I'm extra sloppy That's the only one I got, dude. Then I'm like, you know what I mean?

We friends? There we go. Nice. This is so funny. Embarrassing things about yourself that you don't want to admit. Brett Forte, I faked my pubes for like three years. Faked my pubes. I did the opposite, bro. I shaved my pubes

for like three years because nobody else had them. I was born with like a mustache. I was born with a unibrow. Faked pubes. What do you do? Just like sprinkle them on there? Little sharpie? Little pen? Bro, I literally like one i remember shaving my my like body before uh

like like a football practice and it felt so weird i wasn't like weird i just wanted to be like be on the same page i was like why do i have to be so mature all of a sudden like i just didn't want to be that one kid with armpit hair You know I feel like that's weirder Than like shaving Your armpits is like being the one kid that's like Hey what's up I smell like shit Here we go

FKA real fly Embarrassing things about yourself that you don't want to admit I have an extra toe growing Top Of my toenail and I'm kind of hope it's just gonna fall off that's the most me thing ever having like a extra hand and I'm like it'll go away like never going to the doctor about that kind of shit Extra toe growing on top of my toenail Dude

Holy shit Starbucks underscore coffee What's the most embarrassing thing about yourself That you don't want to admit I can only pee sitting down Sending for a friend Oh okay okay okay So it's not him I can only pee sitting down, sending for a friend. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. So it's not him. I can only pee sitting down. I feel that though. Sometimes in the morning, like I don't want to pee standing up.

I'm like, dude, this is going to take way too long. I don't feel like standing here for like two minutes. Fuck that. So I just sit down and I'm like, all right. it's so hard like guys and girls pee so different when guys pee it's just like a waiting game girls pee it's just like automatic fucking fire it's like they're mad i'm like damn right when a girl sits down guys have to like think about it we're like uh-huh I gotta think of the right thing all clear not yet all right uh-huh yep what was I just gonna say hmm yeah I'll do that in a minute all right so what was okay there it goes like I don't know why it takes so long for guys to pee. We have to make sure.

I don't know. I don't know what it is. Can only pee sitting down. It's way less of a mess. Especially at different times, your pee is different for guys. It's not always the same pee. Sometimes it takes a minute. Sometimes it's like right now.

Sometimes you just got gotta take a fucking seat Here we go Liam Pinheiro Embarrassing things about yourself you don't want to admit I low-key think my girlfriend Is a better driver than me I realized the other day That I'm the worst driver of all time

And I'm ten times worse when somebody's with me Who was with me the other day? Oh my god I had to take a Dyke Michaels comedian and indie. I just take him to a show He's like didn't ever ride and I was like, I'll pick you up Bro, I missed probably seven turns on the way to where we were going. I was so embarrassed I didn't know how to tell him I was like, this is the worst like driving in the history of the world. I Like ran out of excuses. I was like this is the worst like driving in the history of the world I like ran out of excuses I was like sorry bro we missed that turn I said that like it was like fucking 10 minutes away I missed four turns I didn't know what to say I was so thankful we

were there and on the way like he was like hey man you mind if I catch a ride home with you I was like holy shit he doesn't think I'm that bad thank god imagine if he was like I'm gonna hitch a ride with somebody else I'd be like oh I never know like what temperature the car should be when I'm with other people because I'm like I don't know how you like it so I just turn on like full cold so I'm like maybe they just it seems like everybody's hot all the time. So I'll just, I'll just suffer. I have like frostbite while I'm driving. Just so the other person can like feel comfortable.

I never know what to listen to. I'm like, God damn. Can you just drive? Next time I take somebody in my car, I'm going to be like, how about you just drive me? And you, you act like this is your car? Because I have no idea what you want, man. This is crazy as fuck. There's always some weird shit in my car.

It always smells. I'm like not ready. I don't know the song, the temperature. I don't know where we're going. I'm like a liability. I don't know where we're going. I'm like a liability. How about when you have the temperature just right for somebody getting in your car,

and then they all of a sudden, halfway through the trip, they open the window? Or you're like, I feel like nobody's a windows-down driver anymore. I drive everywhere with all my windows down. Dude, we could be on the highway. I will drive with the windows down. I don't give a shit. But when you get the temperature just right and the music's on and somebody rolls down the window, you're like, oh, okay, that's how we're doing it.

I didn't know it was too cold. Why didn't you tell me? Hmm? I just realized the other day, too, I don't listen to any music in the car even when it's on I'm not listening to it ever ever like when music's on I'm just thinking and my music's always on like you know like when you're really listening to a song and like getting into it and like jam into a song it's on like your volumes on like 27 dude my volume constantly is on like nine it's just like there

but it's not there like you hear like a little voice in the background i'm like i don't even know if my radio is on this whole time i don't think i've ever turned my radio off in my car it's just like on nine and i'm like is it on i don't know here we go last one here we go last one embarrassing things about yourself that you don't want to admit sammy half four i wake up in the middle of the night and indulge on sweets anything from chocolate to fruit or ice cream then i pound a bottle of water and spend the next two hours peeing every 30 minutes, then proceed to go work out and talk about the lousy fucking sleep I had. Damn. That sounds pretty fucking normal, honestly. Why does that sound normal? That is not good.

But that pee thing in the morning is so real. That's like why I stopped hydrating as much. Honestly, I used to hydrate all the time. And I was like, I need my pee to be clear at all times. It helps my brain and my body. Then one day I was like, dude, I'm spending too much time going to the bathroom and focusing on drinking water. I swear that was like half of my life was just like the same thing. Drink water.

Drink me, drink me drink me then I was just like I guess I'll drink like a water bottle a day but like damn that at one point I was going to the bathroom so much at my corporate job that I thought I was gonna get fired can I get fired for going to the bathroom it was like a man that was like a real concern I had I never knew anything about corporate offices until like I never knew any I still don't like I didn't know any of the rules like there's like so many low key rules you like just learn and don't

know dude one time I'll never forget this I didn't know it was weird to like blow your nose in an office I was like in an office and like there were a bunch of desks of people around me and I would blow my nose. Like I'd like have like a mean cold and I'd blow my nose. Like, I didn't think anything was wrong with that. I was like, damn, I got to get up and go to the bathroom to blow my, and then like, and then like one day they were like, oh my God, people who blow their noses at their desks

are so fucked up. I was like, oh my God, that was me for like two months straight. Like serious snot. People were probably like throwing up at their desks. I had no clue. I was just blowing my shit away. I can't believe I didn't blow my nose Like I do at my house You know you blow your nose at your house and you're like You sound like a seagull When you blow your nose at your house But when you blow your nose in public you're like That's good

Then at home you're like Somebody like Came up at work that like eating apples Was super annoying I had an apple everyday at work I was like At my desk How was I supposed to know alright let's go viral

viral but first the espresso podcast is brought to you by wave one media if you want to start your own show visit the wave one dot com alright viral wave one media if you want to start your own show visit the wave one.com all right viral hashtag i'd rather watch paint dry than hashtag i'd rather watch paint dry than be at track meet.

Track meets might be the longest. Sporting events in general are like, oh my God. Nobody ever talks about how long track meets are. If you had a sibling or ran track or just had any association with track and field, bro, that's a day I hated track because I'd like run the hundred in the middle in like the beginning of the meet track meet and then like four and a half hours later it would be my next event I'm like what do I do for three hours can I go home and like vacuum I can I can remember one time after school we had a track meet and I was late I was like in the hole like all the teams are there and they're all like in on the football

field like in their like little sections I can remember sitting in the like on the logo in the middle of the field just doing vocab homework just like am I supposed to stretch for three hours? Like, Jesus. Hashtag get rich quick plan. Dude. I swear to God, one day, like in the car, my dad was like, like hey you should think about this I was like what like it already sounds like it's gonna be the worst thing like I'm gonna have to do or the thing it's just like god damn my dad's like you should think about doing this I'm like oh no one time my in the car my dad was like, hey, you should think about people are becoming millionaires. I mean, millionaires. Billionaire.

Like, no. And I'm like, for what? And he's like, for making children's books. I was like, dude. That was his gift. Make like a four-page book that's like, The bear got the ball. The ball was really bouncy. Bears and balls.

Two things that make me happy. Like that kind of story, dude. Which that would actually be a pretty good book. If my dad made one of those books. Holy shit, I could not even imagine what that shit would say. My dad would be like, I got, uh,

this kid was in kindergarten. All the fucking words would be spelled wrong and shit. His mom went to Starbucks and for the first fruit he ate it was a marshmallow. Alright, now do 15 push-ups and go clean the garage out. Holy shit.

Hashtag horror candy. Hashtag horror candy. You ever have some candy that just... Dude, I can't eat sour candy really anymore because I had a bad, like... Me and my roommate Chiller just had one or me and my roommate chiller just had one of those nights where i yell let's get candy you know you just you just decide to have a candy night all of a sudden you're like yeah for sure let's get candy

tonight and that's exactly how we talked to and are explaining we're like yeah for sure let's get candy tonight let's get candy for sure bro let's candy. I don't know why me and him talk like that. We just do. Like, we just woke up, kind of. Yeah, it's candy. So we went down to the gas station, and, like, sometimes I have good candy, sometimes I don't. This time we went down there, best candy ever. But it wasn't, like, a chocolate candy night. It was a sour candy night. So we, like, went in there there and they had airhead bites. Little chopped up, rolled up airheads.

And I think they were kind of sour too. And I was like, oh yeah, this is exactly what I want. You know, like it's a hard choice, man, when you're picking out candy. When you know you want candy and you're going to do it, that's one decision. You get there and you're like, fuck, but which candy do I want? Snickers is always kind of up there if you're doing chocolate. And then you're like, oh, Kit Kat, though.

That would be good, too. Reese's, no, there's not enough of them. Twix, I don't know. But we were doing sour candy, so I was like, maybe I just want one of those Laffy Taffys. That would be kind of good. But was it going to be enough? I don't want no one candy I want like all the candy in the world I'm like Sarah Patrick is like ah that was a lot I kind of want to try airhead one airhead though that's like nothing I saw those airhead bites

and I was like oh yeah oh that's my shit right there but for some reason I felt like I had to eat all the airheads like there's some there's something about me that I can't eat like half of a bag and then put the rest away I'm just like ah fuck it I'll just eat the whole thing so like I had like six airheads airhead bites left in this bag and I was like oh shit I'm starting to kind of get hot and I looked at it I looked at chiller and he was like wasn't he like stopped eating and I was like oh shit I'm starting to kind of get hot and I looked at I looked at chiller and he was like wasn't he like stopped eating and I was like oh shit we're not we're not eating the whole thing

together I thought we were just gonna I thought I thought we were both gonna like smash and he looks at me and he goes dude I can't believe you ate that whole bag and that made me feel even like so I was I was my head super hot neck at this point. And I was like, oh my God. And I honestly tapped out. I was like, dude, I gotta go to bed. He's like, all right, bro. But in the back of our, and like, but that was just what I said. But what I really meant to say was, hey man, I fucked up and ate a whole bag of airheads

because I thought you were eating. I thought we were just having a bit like a candy night. I'm, I'm really sorry, but I gotta like, I gotta, I gotta go like, die for a little bit. And then I've never eaten sour candy again. Unless it was like one little Jolly Rancher. All right,

let's do days. Wednesday. National Ice Cream Pie Day. What the hell is ice cream pie? I know ice cream cake. What is ice cream pie? Why does it feel like it would melt way faster? Ice cream pie.

Oh my god, that looks so good. Birthday party ice cream pie recipe? Ah! Ah! Ice cream pie with? Ah! Ice cream pie with crust? People who don't like crust, dude, live a little.

Crust is the shit. I saw like a meme go around of a pie with crust on top and on the bottom. Like double-crusted pie. Doesn't that just sound like a no-brainer? It kind of seems weird how pie is just open-faced all of a sudden. I'm like, wait, the crust is the best part on the back. Or when you get that, when a piece of cake with like, you know how the icing like goes down

the back when you get that piece? I'm like, hmm. Yeah, I get the best one. I always feel like I get the best piece of cake. And I always feel like I get the best piece of cake. And I always feel like I have low-key bragging rights because of it. I'm like, you didn't see this? You didn't see this piece of cake I grabbed? Thursday. National Potato Day. I almost thought it said National Patio Day I love fucking

I love patios It's the most adult thing But I love patios Even the word patio is like fun to say You're like I could have a good time But it was National Potato Day So that didn't make it So forget I said that

Not that I like you know patios or anything National Potato Day forget I said that not that I like you know patios or anything um national potato day I've been I've been obsessed with fries everywhere I go I'm like can I get a side of fries dude it's so annoying I'm like I'm like you know when they ask you what side you want and you didn't know there's a side you're like oh my god let me look How come sides are the shit And you're like oh my god I get a side too and they're like yeah that's on the back And you look at the side

It's always like so overwhelming It's never like fries or a side salad There's always like 33 sides And you're like oh my god Hey you're gonna have to come back I'm always a bitch and I go for sweet potato fries Cause they look like exotic Like fries?

Oh god I'm not that kind of guy I'm more healthy How about sweet potato fries? The fries where in the name It actually says How crappy they are They're sweet

There is something different About sweet potato fries They just kinda hit right You're like Oh yeah Potatoes run shit There's a There's a There was like a about sweet potato fries, they just kind of hit, right? You're like, oh, yeah. Potatoes run shit. There was a little phase I went through when I would just buy a bag of potatoes

and microwave them each night, like two potatoes each night, put a little slit in them, each of them, microwave them, and I'd get them out of the microwave. They'd be hot as shit, and I'd just'd I'd get them out of the microwave they'd be hot as shit and I just pass it to my my roommate and he'd catch it with one hand and throw it right back and I catch it and put it on a plate every night for like four months warm up a potato throw it to my roommate he'd throw it back to me and the noise would make in our hands it was just like it was so hot putting ketchup on that that's like i went through a phase where i didn't eat bread i was like i'm not eating bread causing so much trauma in my life so

i just started eating so many potatoes which is like worse every night two potatoes with ketchup all over them fire best thing i've ever had in my life that's like that's like the stuff you eat at like midnight and 1 p.m that's your favorite foods i don't care what it is the other night i had like four vegan chicken patties with tomato on top best thing i've ever had in my life i would eat that at all times that's my favorite food. When people are like, um, I like filet mignon. And, uh, I really like, uh, this pineapple yogurt with, uh, granola, uh, at this restaurant in Philadelphia. It's like one of my favorite things. I'm like, bro, no, your favorite food is food is what you had last night at 1am. Your favorite food is what you had last night at 1am. Your favorite food is what you had last night at 1am, which is rice cakes with peanut butter and M&M's on it. That's your favorite food.

Four chicken patties with tomato on each one. Best thing I've ever had in my life. I was like, I'm lucky I don't have mustard Because this would be a whole birthday meal That's what I want to serve at my wedding Like I don't want like chicken, fish, or steak I want like the most of the things you eat at 1am Peanut butter and jelly

Corn dogs from the freezer Or uh Four potatoes with ketchup all over it I'd be like wow How can I get all three? I got to pick one of these? Saturday. National Spumoni Day. What the fuck is Spumoni again? I should so know. It's like the most Italian word ever. Sounds like, is it like some ice cream or something? Spumoni. Yeah. Spumoni.

Something my dad would say in Italian. Spumoni. It's Spumoni. He'd like make it way too Italian though. He'd be like, what the fuck is Spumoni though? The one ice cream that's like vanilla, strawberry, chocolate. I never had that in my life. Honestly, I can guarantee you. I never had that in my life, honestly.

I can guarantee you. I never had the... What is that called? Vanilla, white... Neapolitan. Why does that have such a historic, traditional name? Neapolitan ice cream. Welcome, the Neapolitan ice cream. Welcome the Neapolitan ice cream. It sounds like it's like a political like branch. Republican, Democrat, Neapolitan.

Neapolitan ice cream running for office I will give you three things You enjoy all at once Spumoni though What the fuck is that Is Spumoni the Italian version of Neapolitan They like have beef at like the ice cream get togethers There's an ice cream party Huh

If Neapolitan's there I'm not fucking going an ice cream party? Huh? If Neapolitan's there, I'm not fucking going. Some ice cream. Ooh, that like, uh... You ever see gelato? You ever walk past like an Italian gelato place and the ice cream just... I always look at the worker and I'm like, how you not just eating the shit out of this right now? It's always like one person working in an ice cream store. Like one of those ice cream stores that aren't like Dairy King. I almost said Dairy King. That's some my dad shit right there.

He'd be like, I'm not going to Dairy King's. I'll go to Dairy King if you want to. I'm like, never mind. I don't want to go anymore. I don't even want ice cream. I don't even want to eat. I'm going to bed. But when there's one person working anywhere, I'm like, how are you not eating everything right now?

That ice cream looks so good just sitting there in a glass case and you have all the access to it and you're not going to take a little spoon to it. I would do that all day, every day growing up, bro. If we had ice cream, I would get it. I wouldn't put it in a bowl because I didn't want to like eat ice cream at like 2pm I would just get a spoon and I'd just around the outside like against the container cardboard just around that like little moat I'd like leave a moat in the ice cream

and then I'd just it'd be like the biggest bite of ice cream and then I'd just like clean it the spoon would be god damn near ready to go back in the drawer and I just put that spoon like somewhere in the kitchen and I'd go back like every 45 minutes and my mom get home and be like who's eating all this I'd be like I don't know there's no bowls or anything weird I hate how Edie's ice cream like container remember that that one that one day you went to the freezer aisle and Edie's ice cream like container Remember that one day You went to the freezer aisle and Edie's ice cream

Containers got like significantly Smaller you were like what the No way Really Everything's smaller now I know it's not cause I'm like bigger That's not it Dude'm, like, bigger. That's not it.

Dude, like, even, like, Big Macs. Remember Big Macs when you were, like, I don't know, like, 10 years ago? You're like, this is big. Now they're just, like, medium Macs. They're just, like, small. They're just, like, Macs. Right when I say Big Mac,

Mark McGuire walks in the studio. He's like, you say something? Like the The bulls at Qdoba Those used to be huge, dude Now they're just like That's all I get That's so weird, I hate when shit downsizes I get super sad

I'm like, I'm old or something Or this is weird, like why? Everything used to be big as shit Those Arby's 5 for 5 beef and cheddars Remember how big those were You get 5 Arby's beef and cheddars It would take you 2 weeks to finish those I could eat 5 in one night now

Cause they're like bagel bites They're like the size of mini muffins sunday national tooth fairy day oh ew what did i see the other day oh i saw that picture of that fish with the teeth shit like that freaks me out more than anything the fish they caught had human teeth national tooth fairy day the way I never woke up when I lost a tooth my my I know my dad fucking did it too every time his like his like uh aggressive like physical ass like I can't believe I didn't wake up like you're telling me he snuck his hand under my pillow took my tooth which I didn't even have in like a zploc bag. It was just on my bed.

He found that and put quarters under there, like loud ass, jingly ass, quarters, put them under there, took my tooth, and I didn't wake up. Dude, did somebody, did he punch me in the face and knock me out before that? There's no way. Imagine somebody tried to pull that shit now, dude. When you're... You lose a tooth now and somebody tries to, like, sneak under your pillow and pull it out and put change in there. I'd be like...

I'd, like, pull out a gun. Where do you think you're going? I don't want your fucking money. Get out. Go. Get your fucking money, get out, go! That tooth fairy shit though, what? Alright, that's shot 172. Thanks for listening. Remember to subscribe on Patreon for exclusive VIP espresso podcasts. podcasts. It's come a long way, man.

I'm glad we got that done. Be part of the fam. It's going to be fun. It's going to be a good journey. You guys have been hearing me talk about this forever. I'm so glad you guys listen and love it, man. It means a lot to me. We got shows this Thursday in Indy at Heliumia helium upstairs rogues gallery eight o'clock

and then louisville this weekend at the caravan 7 30 and 9 30 on friday and 7 30 and 9 30 on saturday but yeah remember to follow on tiktok cameo instagram twitter youtube all that benedict palizzi okay i'll talk to you guys next week I have family