Espresso - eating your contacts

Episode Date: August 11, 2021

🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻����𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) On this shot Ben recaps his weekend at Helium with Hannah Berner (@beingbernz) he tells a story about breaking out in HIVES at work, gets cursed by Friday 13th, realizes he was raised in a buffet and remembers eating his old contact lenses for 2 years ✨𝗨𝗽𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘄𝘀✨ White Pine Wilderness Academy Broad Ripple, IN Aug 12 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝗲𝗻!: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Hey, it's the Espresso Podcast with Ben Palizzi. Shout 171. Yeah. That's right. God damn it. Why does this sound like, you know when you're like, your iPhone just makes like a picture collage of all your pictures. It's like last October, October 2019.

It's just a bunch of dumb pictures of you, like, and, like, all, like, messed up selfies and shit, and they just throw, like, a default sound behind it, and it's always this. Right here. Like, the most dramatic shit. It's, like, a picture of, like, some Some drunk ass food you ordered

Fuck okay sorry Alright what's up Shot 171 Espresso podcast with Ben Polizzi Remember to follow on TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Cameo YouTube, all at Benedict Polizzi Got shows coming up this Thursday

White Pine Academy in Broad Ripple Brent Terhune headlining he's blowing up all over the internet but we'll be up in there it's going to be a good show come through I'll have details in my bio I think I'm doing some shows August

11th 9 9th. Hold on. I don't know the date ever. How do people just know? Like the 9th is a Saturday. You ever just hear somebody say that? You're like, how the fuck would you ever know that? That's next level mom shit.

You're just like, oh. I haven't lived long enough to know shit like that. When somebody says something, you're just like, that's something I gotta... Some shit you just can't learn, you gotta experience it. That's the only way I learn anything, it's just by fucking up. That's why every time somebody gets a new job

or something like that, I'm like, congrats on the new job, but you're gonna be a big piece of shit for about two years before you actually know what's going on. I can't learn anything. I got to just fuck everything up. And then I'm like, oh, the building's like in flames. I'm like, oh, okay.

Hey, got to do it the hard way. Russell will never know. Fire trucks. Yeah, but I think August 19th, 20, and 21. I might be in Louisville. I'll keep you posted on that. But yeah, I had shows this past weekend at Helium, and they were so fire. I've never had a weekend like that.

It was the best weekend ever. Shout out to Hannah Berner and Sarah Huntington. Sarah hosted. I featured for the first time ever which is like doing like 20 plus minutes and hannah headlined and she was so good the crowd was so fire and that means like the crowd was like it was just the perfect mix everybody's having a good time like it was it just felt great honestly and the green room vibe was the best usually when you like open for a headliner you don't know how the headliner is gonna be

because some of them are like actually famous as fuck and you're like do i can i even talk to them like i'm on the show but i don't think that i am allowed to talk to them it's like weird but hannah was super cool it literally felt like she was one of my cousins or something i was just like what the we were just chilling everything was funny right when i went in there right when i went in the green room and like she was like what's up what the fuck i was like what's good and i said like one more thing and she's like why do you sound like an assistant football coach and that's when i knew the weekend was gonna be lit she's like yo we should do some tiktoks I was like okay that's perfect Sarah was dope too I don't know we we like went out and

stuff it was so crazy nobody like wants to do anything and in Hannah was like yeah let's get a drink and then we ended up going to like this crazy fucking like Cirque du Soleil show like at a nightclub It's just like we were like I don't know about a club like sounds a little too much ten minutes later. It's like But yeah, it was okay Best night of my life No, it's fun. Shout out to Hannah check her out on I mean you guys probably follow her on Instagram But she's got shows coming up everywhere. Check it out. And we actually did a podcast too that's going to come out on Patreon. Exclusive. But we'll talk about that. We'll talk. We'll talk. What's good though? though. Dude, I went to work yesterday and like, I get, okay. I told you guys like a couple of weeks ago or last week or something that I can't stop eating food at the restaurant I work at. And it

didn't used to be like that at all. Like I used to be like, I'm not touching anything. Ew. And now I'm like, is anybody eating that hush puppy? It's like rolling around on the ground. I'm like, who's is that? Okay, so I get shrimp every day. I just get shrimp every day. Because we have po-boys and shit at work. How funny that that sandwich is called a fucking po-boy. First time I saw that, I was like, no fucking way.

You're the po-boy. I'm like, dude, that's the cutest goddamn name for a stupid sandwich. Hi, Po' Boy. Is that my nickname? Just gave himself a nickname. You can always tell people who gave themselves a nickname because it's like way too cool. Yeah, they call me Head head busser I'm like shut the fuck up bro no they don't you do I don't know but I got a bunch of fucking shrimp the other day

at work because I do every day I just get shrimp because I'm like fuck it I uh I ate that shrimp somebody's like bro you got like a bug bite on your neck and I was like really what the fuck no way I looked in the mirror like two seconds later my face was puffy as shit I had hives all over my face rough fucking day I don't even know what like I didn't say one thing funny the whole day you ever have one of those days where you're just like feel like you have opportunities to say stuff funny but you just can't think of it you're just like I don know. Like the funniest thing I said all day was like, yeah, right back at you. Dude, I'm so lame yesterday. You ever feel so lame you can't do anything about it? And you, I almost apologized to all my like, like coworkers

and shit. I was like, sorry, I just, I don't know what to say to any of you guys. Can you just not talk to me for the whole day? You ever just want to say, I just, I don't know what to say to any of you guys. Can you just not talk to me for the whole day? You ever just want to say, I wish? I wish, dude. Don't talk to me for the whole day, pass. You just hand them out to everybody. Like, there were people I knew that came in the restaurant that I knew, and I was avoiding them because I was like, I just don't even want to.

I just don't even want to, like, even do it, you know? They could have said absolutely nothing to me and just been like what's going on nothing not too much like that thing the thing that guys always do hey how you doing pretty good you not too bad all right have a good one hey you too see you soon all right they just go for like fucking two hours man guys dude that's in a guy's dna when he's born what were his first words hey how you doing not bad how about you pretty good yourself dude it's always like at that level of like they're always like kind of yelling i swear to god my fucking dad i would walk around we'd take walks all the time jesus fucking christ man my dad that's the only thing my dad ever said to me growing up.

We'll take a walk, B. Fuck. Yeah. Holy shit. But me and my dad would take a fucking walk and just, I don't even know what we'd talk about. Low key, half the time we'd just play. Dude, this is my favorite game to play ever. States and capitals.

We'd play that fucking game, bro. Non non-stop like we'd be talking about something he'd like tell me about like a fucking his like one of his quarterbacks or some shit some thing he did at practice and then after the story i'd be like hey he'd be like yeah and i'd be like connecticut that shit goes so hard i swear to god but if you vibe with if like you're hanging out with somebody that has states and capitals vibe and you like start going like it's pretty it's pretty dope like you see that's so that's so nerdy to say it's pretty fucking dope dude yeah my friend kevin like that's all we do at work is we're just like Mississippi. But that's all we would do on fucking walks.

And we'd talk about that shit. States would just do that shit. And then all of a sudden another fucking guy would walk on the other sidewalk. And my dad would be like, hey, how's it going? He'd be like, not bad. You? And my dad would be like, not too bad. Yourself?

And he'd be like, not bad. You? And my dad would be like, not too bad. Yourself? I swear they'd do that for 45 fucking minutes but they wouldn't stop walking they'd just be yelling at each other across the fucking neighborhood not too bad you how you doing pretty good yourself not too bad you and it like the conversation never went anywhere i was like why did you guys even fucking talk to each other to begin with you didn't say

anything Rhode Island oh shit but like I can't even I didn't even I couldn't talk to anybody yesterday it was so weird. How do you get out of that? You know when you're in one of those moods where you're just like, I don't give a fuck about anybody. I don't want to say shit. Like, it could have been like my, like, role model walks into the door. Fucking Mike Allstott walks into the restaurant.

I would have been like, I'm good. Mike Allstott. Mark McGuire walks in actually if mark mcguire walked in i'd run up to him and fucking i'd i would give him a hug like a kid and i just hug his thigh big mac's thigh he'd know exactly what was going on he'd probably fucking give me a piece of fucking gum or whatever he always chewed. There you go, Sonny. I'm fucking 30. If Mark McGuire's anywhere, that's how you fix that mood.

You just fucking got to talk to Mark McGuire. God, dude, nobody's legs. I'm just nobody's legs, you know? No one's legs have ever looked like that. That fucking batter's box. Like, imagine seeing that when you're a pitcher. And you're just like, you know those pitchers were just like, fuck. If I was on the other team and saw Mark McGuire hit a home run,

I would fucking dab him up. Give me some love, bro. Anyway. What were we talking about? I'm having them on one day I am That's my goal for this podcast To have Mark McGuire on And just talk about the dumbest fucking shit

Nothing about baseball Just like, hey, did you ever hit a ball so hard That like the fucking seams came undone And all that stuff? He's like, no I'm like, hey, did you ever hit a ball so hard that the fucking seams came undone and all that stuff? He's like, no. I'm like, oh, that's... Hey, have you ever... Did you actually like Big Macs? And he's like, no, not really.

I'm like, oh. Alright, bye. Oh, shit. Alright bye Oh shit Alright yo Let's go viral But first hold up This podcast is presented by Wave1 Media If you want to start your own show Visit thewave1.com

Alright here we go Presented by Wave 1 Media. If you want to start your own show, visit TheWave1.com. Alright, here we go. Hashtag things I'm too lazy to do. Getting ready before bed syndrome. I can't do it. I've had contacts for fucking 20 years. 20 years. Contacts.

Me. I've had contacts for 20 years. I still forget to take those bitches out. I didn't want it, like, I was so over it one time. I just took my contacts out of my eyes and threw them on the fucking carpet. I was like, God damn, I change these things every fucking five years anyway. The eye doctor's like, you need to switch out your contacts to a new pair, a brand new pair every two weeks two weeks maybe every fucking four years i change my contacts like when there's like a

special event coming up jesus christ like a life-changing event i'm like oh god it's uh it's christmas i'm like oh my god we're going to cedar point i'm gonna have to see some shit for this one of my friends growing up his brother was like cool you know you know you like go over to your friend's house when you're a kid and they got an older brother it's like two or three years older than you and you're like damn that guy's so fucking cool it's like athletic and shit like had like had a girlfriend we were like oh she's so hot dude oh my god dude he told me that after you take your contacts out you're supposed to eat them and i thought he was so cool i did that shit for two years

i was just eating my fucking Acuvue lenses for two years Cause I was like yeah He does it and he's like big and strong And funny and has a girlfriend and shit So I'm doing it too look at his results Hashtag

Self care in five words Hashtag self-care in five words. Hashtag self-care in five words. Self-care. The most self-care thing. Every time I'm fucked up, like, I just don't know. Nothing's going right. All I got to do is clean the inside of my car.

And I'm like, okay. I always just have a bunch of clothes in my car that I don't fucking wear. There's four piles of clothes on the back of my trunk right now. There's like, Garin Catholic football coaching polos and shit. I'm like, what am I doing? I need to clean my car. But every time they clean your car out, they they like do it but they don't do it you know dude i go to this car wash and they spray like they pre-spray your car but they you know it's just like when you have like

one of those fucking guns that you put on a hose you know when you're a kid that shit was fire when you're a kid but it's like one of those at the car wash and they pre-spray your car probably like get it a little fucking loose or whatever i don't know why and then you go through the car wash but at this car wash they spray one side of your they spray the left side of your car dude my ocd is not gonna let me just fucking go in this car wash with one side of my car sprayed. So I rolled down the window, like, while he was spraying, and he's like, WINDOW UP!

I was like, can you do the other side? And he, like, rolled his eyes. I was like, where am I? Like, is there some rule that's like, oh, nuh-uh. You get the right side of your car pre-sprayed, you go to fucking prison. Like, how am I- what? And we go through the car wash then when you get through the car wash they like fucking they wave you to like clean the inside you know and they're

like so adamant about it like i'm breaking five laws as i exit the car wash i'm like just let me get because my dad used to do this thing in car washes it was so fucking annoying honestly, and now I do it cuz I'm my dad But Okay, so he used to go through the whole car wash and then get to the end where like the dryers are Like going in on your car and he'd like wait he'd like go through that part so fucking slow Barely crawling and then like once the the hood of his car the, once the hood of his car, the lights on the hood of his car were, like, out of the car wash, he would go even slower. He'd be like, you got to get the back.

Yeah, see? Like, I don't want the drips. I don't want the drips and the drops and the, you got to just, hey, just, hey, this is how you got to, like, he's always, like, coaching. This is how you got, no Like he's always like coaching. This is how you got. No, you've hit the break. Pause.

Hit the break. Let it go a little bit. Hit the break. And then he's like, then you flick the wiper. So it gets the water underneath. Watch here. Watch here. Watch just like so.

Just like so. Just like that. There's like a 10 car pile up behind them in the car wash anyway yeah those guys are like come on come on come on pull up to them and then they clean the inside of your car but they like don't clean it you know i swear every time i go to a car wash now i get out and do it with them i swear i like pull up fucking put it in park And I get I'm like gimme Let's do this Don't look in my trunk though

There's always I like look at the guy Who was cleaning my trunk He has a Garen Catholic Football coaching shirt on I'm like Hey! I need that!

Yeah so I'm like The most annoying guy At a car wash ever I like try to I'm just like They probably see me in there And they're like Oh fuck Anyway most annoying guy to car wash ever i like try to i'm just like they probably see me in there i go fuck anyway hashtag fake buffet facts fake i love talking about buffets i was raised at a buffet i

swear to god it was so much fun to go into a buffet well i was at like a deal too like my parents were always like yeah yeah, we can go. We're like, really? It must've been cheap as shit. I don't think we ever got drinks. I don't ever remember the part of paying at buffets. I was always like, I don't, I don't know. People never gave respect to the things like at the end,

you know, the end of the buffet. It's like far left is like salad it's like uncharted territory you're like whoa nobody's ever been what i've been over here it's like all clean and shit no one's ever been there there's like footprints everywhere there's like one by the salad i swear and then far right far as fuck right is dessert you're like I swear. And then far right, far as fuck right is dessert. And you're like, like they, they got to put that weird beef cutting light, hot lamp thing in the middle. I've never got that. I was like, this part is weird. That red hot lamp. Every time I see that red hot lamp, I'm like, okay, it's always roast beef. I'm like, can we have like a mainstream thing?

I don't know. Steak? Like if we're gonna do it, like steak? It's always like some weird, I'm like that? But, uh, yeah, buffets. The salad is fire. They always had some weird toppings for the salad. Something weird. Oh, like the

jello cubes? I was always like who the who like made that a thing oh yeah fresh iceberg lettuce mmm some spinach oh yeah uh-huh mmm yeah some sliced tomatoes fresh maybe some onions too that'd be great oh yeah and you know what may sprinkle some bacon on there just for a little kick. And then, you know what? Jell-O cubes. And then eggs, too. I'm like, um... Who's the fucking psycho that was just like, put eggs and Jell-O

on there! The fucking Golden Corral people were like, okay, let's just do what he says before he fucking, yeah, okay. Hashtag. It's so weird to move on from that. Hashtag. If all men disappeared for a day.

Wow. disappeared for a day wow every time guys see each other they like just have to be like what's going on you know they can't like like when girls see each other they're just like they kind of look at each other and don't say shit they're just like bitch you know in their head like they don't say shit they're just like who the fuck you know they? They just whisper to their friends close by and shit. When guys see each other, it's just like, oh, hey! Couldn't resist to go back for one more. Guys always just say shit.

But if a girl walked by a table of girls, no one would even, they'd side-eye each other and go back to what they were doing. There'd be no conversation. Girls are like, ugh, I can't stand that bitch. There'd be no wheeze laughs. If all men disappeared for a day, there'd be no like,

there'd be none of that. And that's the best laugh. Somebody that just laughs like that, you're like, fuck, man. Follow me around. Let's do days. Wednesday. National Presidential Joke Day. Dude, for some reason, I just tune out.

Like when someone's making fun of Trump, I'm just like... I don't know. I think it's funny, but at the same time, I'm just like, I don't, I don't know. I like think it's funny, but at the same time, I'm like, I just can't. Anything ever like so government-y and like historical and shit. I just, I was like, ah, God, it's so old. Even in like old movies, I'm like, ah, if we, if someone's like, let's watch a movie, let's watch a movie. And we turn the movie on and it's like a 1981 thing i'm like or when somebody you want to watch a movie with

somebody and like in the first 10 seconds you know whether or not you really want to watch you're like damn two hours of this shit like i committed to and like they're like looking at you making sure you're watching I'm like is this a hostage situation That needs to be a rule going forward Like everybody has to agree on the movie Then we watch Cause if I'm like in the middle

And then we turn it on And there's like an old car that I see I'm like fuck I gotta go I gotta pick somebody up from the airport. Friday. National Prosecco Day. I don't think I like wine unless it's like red and fucked up and dry.

Whoever made the rule like glass of wine before you go to bed, do you just right. Keep you healthy. Keep your heart perfect condition. Like what a cheat code. I can just drink this beautiful glass of wine before bed. Then I ended up drinking two bottles and I'm like, ah, oh, I love you so.

And I'm like. It's like my excuse every time I drink wine. I'm like, it's good for my heart. Two bottles later. It's like saying eat one slice of pizza. We'll keep your... Yeah, eating one stuffed crust cheese slice of pizza will keep your mind crisp and focused.

You don't think I'm going to eat the whole fucking pizza? This is a trick. Friday is the first Friday the 13th of the year Everybody always makes a big deal about that Friday the 13th That's why Like no That's not why you got a parking ticket

You're just a fucking idiot Friday the 13th It's Friday the 13th! It's Friday the 13th! Somebody fucking broke in my house and fucking stole all my shit because it's Friday the 13th! Yeah! My car wouldn't start

and I was late and then this fucking guy asked me for money and scared the shit out of me because it's Friday the 30th. Oh my god are you okay? No because it's Friday the 30th. Friday the 30th. Friday the 30th. This year I'm gonna get like struck by lightning.

Oh my god how'd he die? Freddy the Ricky now that I'm cursed uh Freddy the Ricky Saturday national VJ day I hated those people that were like, you know what a ZJ is? Did you get a ZJ in school? That was like one of those things. Bro, did you get a ZJ? I'm like, what's a ZJ? He's like, if you don't know, you've never had one.

Then I go home immediately. I'm like, what's a ZJ? Tell me. Sunday. National lemon meringue pie day. Desserts that aren't chocolate with peanut butter. I'm like, I'm okay on that, actually. I'm such a fucking, like... Wow. I'm such a...

Ooh, shit, that looks good. Any pie with that, like, whippy fucking kind of burnt top. I don't care what's in that bitch. It could be a fucking pile of crickets underneath. I'd be like, The first sound effect on YouTube ever. Yeah, I brought the pie over. Whipped creamy top.

Fucking beautiful crust. Oh, let me see it you know when you're like slicing pie for somebody and you like get you like one like it flips over and and there's always a guy that's like i'll take that one and flips over and shit and there's always a guy that's like i'll take that one i'll take that one it's all fucked up and weird and like all in different pieces and sections and it doesn't even look like a triangle anymore he's just like oh god that one looks good. Oh, shit.

But when it's pizza and it's like not, dude, if it doesn't come to the point, like if the pizza doesn't have a point. One time somebody sliced pizza and I swear to God, it was like a triangle, two points like out wide and it went to like the center point in the middle. But it was like rounded. I was like, I don't even want pizza anymore. But there's pie for dessert and it's all fucked up and I'm like I'll take that one holy shit dude all right shot 171 espresso podcast with Ben Polizzi thanks for listening I appreciate it guys for real this pod's coming around keep telling the homies keep telling the homegirls keep following on Twitter Instagram TikTok Cameo YouTube all that Benedict

Polizzi thank you guys so much I'll have like comedy dates and stuff in the description okay talk to you next week. IFM. Thank you.