Espresso - Faking A Miscarriage (Things u never told ur ex)

Episode Date: June 11, 2026

You ever eat 3 dry Taco Bell cantina bowls on the side of the road with your hazard lights on? U ever lock eyes with ur gf's fully naked 73 year old dad on all fours? Me neither 👀 We try to figure out why German chocolate cake looks like baby throw up and how using Grand Theft Auto cheat codes are the only way to satisfy your girl. Oh hey we know you pee in public locker room showers just admit it. P.S. if the top of ur gf's head doesn't smell exactly like a fresh pot of Velveeta macaroni she's not ur gf 🧀-------------------------------------------------Send this to your homies to support the pod!https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ☕️FOLLOW ON IG https://www.instagram.com/espressobenny/💕 WATCH BENNY on FBOY & FGIRL ISLAND on HBO MAX🧢 "𝗕𝗔𝗟𝗗"𝗮𝘁 𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗰𝗸𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝟱𝟬% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/-------------------------------------------------

When you're dating a guy and you look at his dad, like every guy is just going to be their dad. God, whether you like it or not, every guy is just slowly turning into their dad. Even if you hate your dad. Girls don't like boys, girls like guys who show emotion. But the second they cry, they lose all interest in them. All those things on. Spresso podcast shot 423. I'm your girlfriend, Benny, who is so excited to eat a.

a cookie in a bowl with ice cream on top of it that he set down the bowl so hard on the counter that it broke and he sliced his arm open. Fatest man in the world. Hey, watch me on F Boy Island and F Girl Island on HBO Max. Do you ever hear from any of the girls that were on the show? No. Do you stalk their Instagrams every day? Yes. F. Boy Island, F Girl Island. Watch it on HBO Max with your family. And join the Patreon right here. $5 a month. That's it. What do I get if I join?

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No, we don't do that. Why would we do that? Do you just talk about those big ass keys they give you when you ask to go to the restroom at a gas station? No, we don't, why would we talk about that? Wait, is it an indigenous live stream? Yes, it always is.

definitely always is that. But join, babe, $5 a month. That's it. And get your merch, Benedictmerch.com, everything 50, 50% off. With code bald, nice, and glonky, all caps at checkout.

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quill, queso, quote, quote, question of the week. What's the thing you never told your ex? Huh? What is it? Huh? Leave a message at the tone. What's the thing you never told your ex?

X. For me, I never said it. Didn't know how to say it. Not a big deal. Kind of enjoyed it. The top of her head smelled exactly like macaroni. Don't know why. Don't know how. but same exact smell. Actually, the top of her head smelled more like macaroni than macaroni. Just you know when you smell something and you're like, that is 100% of that. It's just like, did you, I don't know. I don't know. Are you sleeping with a pot of macaroni on your head?

Actually, you know what? Homework, fam. Smell the top of your girl's head and just report back. Maybe that should be the espresso question of the week. espresso question of the week. Not a question, but just smell the top of your girl's head and describe it.

Velvita macaroni, deluxe edition. You're dating my ex, if that's what it smells like. Maybe every girl's head smells like macaroni. It might. Does every girl's head? Does the top of every girl's head

smell like macaroni? Crap shells and gee. Something else. What's the thing you never told your ex? I don't know. if this is a crime. I don't know if it's something that everybody just does. But I've never had the conversation.

And every time I shower anywhere, I'm peeing. Dude, I could be showering in the White House. Piss a clock. I don't, it doesn't, honestly, man, I did it in a full locker room one time. And I was like, oh, shit, because it's just like automatic for me.

Like, I don't think twice. Like, it's just like, I don't know. It's just like riding a bike, bro. You just get on and go. Every time I get in a shower, just, I know what I'm doing. First thing. Is everybody doing that? Can we talk?

Is everybody doing it? Is everybody peeing in the shower without even thinking twice about it? I did it in like a locker room, like a bunch of guys in a locker room. like a bunch of guys in a locker room like four guys are showering you know you're trying to be like conscience of everybody's personal space trying to be respectful not eyes aren't wondering

but there I am in the shower in the whole entire in the whole entire shower in locker room smells like pee I was like oh my God I forgot my pee smells all of a sudden I'm trying to get water and like splash it on the pee that's on the ground I'm like go go go go get out of here go go go go Just smells like a fresh pot of coffee in the shower.

Is it weird? Dude, I'll pee in my own shower. With girlfriend here. And I know it smells like pee everywhere. Or is it, can I only smell that? Because I'm like in shower, you know? Are girls peeing in the shower like that? I think every guy pees in the shower.

I've never, I've never cleaned a shower and been like, man, there's piss all over this thing. I can, there's no trace of it. I don't know. I did it every single time. Did they do it? Is it okay? Did they smell it and not say anything? That's all I want to know. Let's get to yours. Would you never tell your ex? A year and a half of a relationship and he was never able to make me come, no matter how much I tried to show him what I liked.

Sad day for the boys. Big L for the boys. I mean, I don't know. At some point, I hate to, I hate to blame it. but maybe it's you. Well, you can do it to yourself. Yeah. I mean, who's not so good at that, though? You just, was he following directions? It's a tough thing.

How about when the girl doesn't give you anything? And you're just painting on a blank canvas. Like, give me a chance. A hint? Like, we're trying to reach the same goal, you know? Not even a hint. Like, we're like, we're, it's, we're not playing keep a way. here. Like we're trying to both get there.

You're not giving me anything. But you're saying you are giving him all the answers to the test. He just wasn't. He just couldn't perform. I've been there. I've been there in the analogy and in real life. You ever have the answers to the test in a real life situation at school? Have the answers studied, know it for real.

and then when you get the test like the questions are just they're kind of reworded a little differently than you studied and you're like wait a minute, what? Like I know this answer but all of a sudden now it's like they're combining two questions

in a one or something like I don't know it. You freeze up bro. I thought I knew it. Didn't know it. Gotta see. Should have gotten an A. But the truth is dude girls are

never really given you the answer. when you're down there. They're never really doing it. It's never happened to me before. I don't know what, I don't know how you were, how you were direct in traffic, but it's never really made any sense to me.

And I've never had it happen, honestly. I'm like, yo, say something, say like, give me a direct, give me a left, right, up down,

give me a L1, L2, R1R2. Put it in Grand Theft Auto terms. Trying to, going down here, girl. don't know what to do

she doesn't know how to like explain to you what to do so she just gives you a grand theft auto unlimited ammo code grand theft auto weapon three code L1R2 L1L2 left down right up left down right up left down right up that's the way you got to do it

if your man's down there and doesn't know what to do just tell them weapons one grand theft auto he'll get it. Fingered it out. Unlimited ammo, Grand Theft Auto. Go ahead, babe.

You got this. Hit the D-pad. Hit the D-pad. You got to put it in men's terms because we don't know, we don't know what you're talking about down there. All right. Let's keep you on.

So the one thing I never told my ex a little terrible, but to be fair to me, he was a tad abusive. I told him I had a miscarriage, but in all reality, I actually got an abortion because he was a psycho.

Kind of bad, but oh well, we're fine. I love people I can just shrug stuff off like that. Hey, a little abusive. We'll get over it. Abortion behind his back. A player move. Play your move. I like it.

Hey, got what you got to do, baby. Didn't tell you. I wonder how many of those things are out there that you just don't know about your. past relationships like, oh, I never told them that. Got an abortion. Whoops. Just forgot to bring it up.

Oh, yeah. What'd you do today? Went to the store. Woke up, worked out. Went to the store. I'd return a couple things. Got an abortion. Then met up with my girls.

We got macha or whatever. I go back to this abortion clinic. and then yeah and now we're here didn't get an abortion or anything though yo I mean that's gotta be the number one thing not to tell somebody right that's a that's a crazy deal

the number one thing that people haven't told their boyfriends probably are the last two you don't know how to get me off and I had an abortion your your baby that you put in me Mm-mm.

Because I want you and I feel you crawling underneath my skin like a hunger, like a burning. Mm-hmm. Oh, my God, this thing's really on. It's always on. I've been crying all week to Nick Lashie's what's left of me. Highly recommend. Downloading it now. Pressing play on that and going back at time.

Quite, quite the song. Weird because I was wearing a Nick Lachet shirt yesterday. Something I never told my ex-boyfriend of college was that I ultimately broke up with him. Little did he know because his parents were just not good parents. And like, I don't rely heavily on parents, but it does weigh in. You know what I mean? Like the overall picture of a person, you're like, ew. So his mom was very, this is going to sound horrible.

but she was so overweight and like didn't like obese, obese, didn't take care of herself, like had trouble walking around. Yo, no, thank you. And she would rely on my boyfriend to pay their family bills. So he didn't go to college. This was when I was in college. He didn't go to college. But I met him because my best friend in college, he was like her best friend. Anyway, neither here nor there.

He had like a full-time job. He would pay their family bills. And like the whole, like they were very broke. This all sounds like really bad. I know, but like, this is why. They were all, like, really broke and she would, like, make him pay their electrical bill and stuff. And, like, I found that so weird. And his dad would sit on, like, a reclining chair.

He was, like, actually the opposite, super skinny, would sit in their living room on a reclining chair, not say a word. God, I hate dads like that. All day. I was like, this is really weird. And he'd be like, yeah, sorry. Like, my dad's kind of, like, weird. But looking back, I'm like, wait. this dad just smoked weed all day long.

What in the hell? Whose brain was I in? Like, how is that my brain? I would never, like, be okay with that. But I guess when you're whatever, 20 years old, you think that that's normal. Like, ew, but I ultimately smartened up and broke up with him.

Took me, like, so long, too. I'm really embarrassed. It probably took me like a year to break up with him. And I blamed it on something completely unrelated because you can't be like, oh, I'm breaking up with you because your parents are losers. sick voice message

Hey is anybody breaking up with anybody for the real reason though I think we've done that question before it This rest of the question of the week Why did you really break up? Man nobody's really telling the truth I think I might Because it's never like a real reason I'm always just like I don't feel like

Myself anymore Dude that's honestly my breakup my breakup tagline every time. I just don't feel like myself anymore. But why would I, you know? I wonder what the reason was that you broke up with him. Like the fake one that you gave. That's what I will.

What was the espresso question of the week? What was the fake reason you gave to break up? Big loser fam. Fat mom, weed dad? I think it's a you problem What were you doing? Hey, the guy If that guy wasn't the hottest guy

If that guy wasn't Nick Lechay I don't know I don't know I don't know what was happening with you If that wasn't actually Nick Lechay Doesn't make any sense Oh man Breaking up with somebody because of their parents

And you can just see what's You can just see the projection of them in their parents Oh my God. That's a hard. That's a tough realization. On some shallow, like when you, when you're dating a girl and you see your mom, I mean, it's the same with guys.

When you're dating a guy and you look at his dad, like every guy is just going to be their dad. God, whether you like it or not, every guy is just slowly turning into their dad. Even if you hate your dad, you're still turning in. to him. No escaping pops. I'm already singing wrong lyrics to songs. I'm calling stuff Walgreen and YouTubes and mushroom. Bro, I'm turning into my dad. That sucks so bad. I felt it the other day. I was in traffic. I turned into him. I was at a green light, like four minutes late, 100% my fault. Weren't we moving? I was like, oh my God. The, I was, like, oh, my God. The, I I'm my dad moment.

I mean, it's a smart thing to do when you're getting in a relationship. I've done it. What's your mom look like? A first 10 minutes of meeting a girl. What's your mom look like real quick? I just got to see if I'm going to keep talking to you or not. I mean, am I wrong? Am I wrong for wondering if you're going to turn into your mom?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Am I wrong? To think you're gonna be built just like your mom in 30 years, yeah, yeah. Oh, am I wrong for not liking you because you're gonna look like your mom? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. But I don't judge, because if he didn't like me because of my dad,

I would completely understand, yeah. Hold me now. I'm six feet from the edge, and I'm thinking, maybe six feet isn't so far down. Oh, sorry. Oh, it's you, Benny. Can you imagine? I got something here.

It's not actually for the prompt about the X, but it's something that I wanted to share. This is about my favorite substitute teacher I ever had. I got to thinking about this because I was listening to these guys podcast. If you guys aren't listening to that, go check it out. Does you know about this? But yeah, you and Joey were talking about, you know, a lot of school-related stuff. And I think you kind of mentioned substitute teachers at some point.

And I started thinking about the substitute teacher I had in high school, who was like a regular sub that I had multiple times in different classes. And I don't even know the guy's actual name, but he went by Homey Kay. And he was like this like 50-something-year-old guy. And he came in and he'd be like, what's up? Call me Homey-K. I'm here to chill out with you guys. Do whatever assignments you got to do.

And I'm just going to chill with you. But I can do some freestyle rap. No way. And this guy's Homie K, he would ask us like to give him like a topic or something. And then he would just like do like a freestyle rap on it, like a little 30-second rap. like you did like one on McDonald's one time and I think you did one about like like mountain goats or something like that

like there's random stuff that people threw out of them Mountain goats anyway yeah Homie K, top substitute teacher of all time yeah shout out and once again yeah if you're not listening to these guys check it out what a dog

those who are listening to espresso love you Benny ta haf hey Goat Sub Espresso question of the week Who is the goat sub at your school? I got to write this down.

Goat sub. Everybody has one. Mr. Bors, dog. I don't care. I don't care about Oh my God, he was strict. Oh my God, he was to buy the book. When you look at the big picture

of the goat sub of all time, the best ability is availability. Bro, if a teacher could say, hey, I know school starts in 10 seconds, but I'm being held at gunpoint right now. Oh my God,

we have five seconds to cover your whole entire week. Mr. Bors is already there. Mr. Bors is waiting. On call. Doesn't matter. Rain or shine? Mr. Bors. Locked in, ready, any class.

What's up? Whole game plan. Out of the gate. Bro, was such. I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. If you acted up, he would like, he'd be, he'd be for real with you.

He'd be like, yo. And he'd, like, kind of get mad and, like, set the tone in the room. But what more do you want? He wouldn't overreact, but he'd be like, hey! He's like, oh, shit, all right, all right, all right. You're right.

You're right. Goat sub, man. Always available. But then you have the sub that's too much fun and you're like, are we like doing something illegal? Like we had the sub that was too much fun for a week one time. And kids were like playing baseball in the room like with a paper ball. Yeah, go ahead.

I was like, I just, I don't know. Like it's fun and like we're going to be messing around. But like are we going to get in trouble when the teacher comes back? Like from the other teachers? Are they going to like report? I always felt guilty when the sub was too much fun.

I need a little bit of order in here. Like I know it's not the real thing, but can we have a little, can we have a little bit of like some rules? It just doesn't feel right. Who's your goat sub? That's a fun question. Homey K?

Bro is kind of ahead of his time, if you think about it. If there's a homie K today, yeah, he's a substitute teacher. He just comes in and we like freestyle. He like freestyle raps. That would go viral in 10 seconds. Homie K is his name too.

And if you got that guy to start freestyling about like prepositions. Preposition, preposition, starting with a P with five simple words. It's got a subject, subject, subject and a end mark. I don't know. Preposition, preposition. That would go dummy viral. Homie K wouldn't be a sub anymore, dog.

Household name. Great voice message. Hey, Kimisabi, can you do me a favor and stop making every question about my ex? I don't want to keep thinking about my ex. I'm going to fuck around and get back with him. What's going on, man? It's Rodney checking in from Market Street, SpeakPipe HQ. And what I forgot to tell my ex, and you're going to think I'm messing around.

So back in high school, my ex's dad was an elderly guy. He was 73 when we were in high school. And this story took place after he graduated. So, you know, I mean, you do the math on that. He's an older gent. Anywho, he had this really nice loft on the third floor of their house. And I was shower in there once and I had long hair at the time. So I had to go downstairs to grab an extra towel out of the closet.

And his bedroom was on the second floor. So I don't know if he thought I was still in the shower or whatever, but I go down there and I go in the closet. I shut the closet door and I turn back around. And I'm looking straight into his bedroom door. And he is kneeled on the ground on all fours, fully naked, reaching towards like a chair just sitting in his room trying to grab his own towel

off of the back of this chair. Full cock out, I mean, he's an old fella, so I mean, the elasticity down there is shot. We've got some dragage going on. Brother was pulling a worm burner, all right? And we just locked eyes, never spoke about it, never said a fucking thing. And she never knew.

But, yeah, there was no, like, conversation. We didn't share a look at the, dinner table, like if you know, you know, type thing. Just both acted like it never happened. Except for me every night when I gooon under my covers. Clinic. Why is he yelling clinic? Because he just put on a clinic voice message.

Voice message clinic starts now. Spressopod. Bro. That's a real G right there. That's a real dad. I might have stayed with her because of that. Like, dude, that's a real ass, real homie dad right there. Something weird happens.

Hey, bro. We don't even have to have the discussion. We just both know. We're never bringing this up. Ever. God, that's a cool dad. Or the dad that just gives you the look. My dad always tells me the story about my grandpa.

Like, only thing he's ever said about my grandpa, like, oh, my mom's dad. He's like, yeah, I always liked your grandpa. because one time like on my mom's side there's just like a million aunts there's like there's like five four girls and they're all like talking about something arguing about something talking about something like on a holiday and my dad and my grandpa my mom's dad were just like sitting there

just like listening to him and my dad went to go jump in and my grandpa's like he's just like no dog you're not going to you're not going to you're not going to get a dub here, bro. Just sit this one out. I love that shit. Nah, bro. Like, no matter what you think you're about to say,

nah. Real ass dad! Oh, you saw me completely naked? Mm. Reaching for my towel. On all fours? Kind of like a dog. Begging?

We locked eyes? Delete it from your memory, big guy. We're bringing this up again. And he would never and you would never. I love the, I love like the mutual understanding there. Okay. X asked me how many guys I had slept with and I said,

under 10. I asked him and he was like, yeah, just three. Same. But really, my number's 27. Damn. Maybe under 10 just wasn't a good response. in hindsight.

Kind of right though. God, I think I'm the, I don't know, man. I've never kept track and I think it's so weird when people do. But like it is such a girl thing to keep track. It's definitely something a girl would do. Wait, so hold on. Like last March, hold on, we, like you definitely know everything. Wait, hold on.

Like, wait, okay. So Bobby, like, okay, I don't know if that like counts or not. Girls know everything. Time, date. Jesus Christ. I'm like, uh, well, that one year I didn't even talk to any girls, but I don't know. My number, I think my number is historically low. And I'm not even just saying that. It's probably not anymore, though. I always forget that I'm like 74 years old. 27. That even seems a little high. Like, 27 to me is like, that's a lot of bodies. I still, I, no, there's no way.

Dude, we might just be hit. It might be high teens. Not even, not even kidding. Not even playing. Is that kind of some loser? A little.

Every guy I talked to is like, I don't know, like 84. I'm like, okay, Randy Moss. Like, 84, bro?

Like, how do you have the time? Yeah, you always lie, though. Like in the moment, you're 100% lying. It's even like, it's even like when you, when somebody asks you how, like, oh my God, where'd you get that shirt? You're like, oh, Target.

And then like the price is like $59.99. You're like, it was $30. Like, why am I lying about that? I don't know, have to, though. The thing, I never told my ex. I knew you were gay. Damn. could have helped a brother out

because don't girls and gay guys have some like unspoken bond like you guys kind of look you guys look out for each other you should have been looking out for the homie hey dog how about breaking that to your man hey uh you're gay

and it's fine but we're not going to be dating anymore you're just going to be my gay best friends that you're just going to be we're not dating anymore you're just going to be my gay best friends. friend that encourages me to do horrible stuff. Yo, I knew you were gay. Girls knowing a guy's gay so fast.

Had an ex, I thought I was gay. I think it's just because I didn't like her. Hopefully, that's why. Or it's because I showed her my entire ass. Let's keep going. What up? So something I never told my ex, but I gave her some hints. was that she was ugly without makeup on.

Now, I'm not trying to be vain and, like, saying I needed a hot, hot girlfriend. But I used to date this chick who was actually pretty when she had makeup on, but literally hideous when she had it off. Crazy, dude. You might ask yourself, okay, well, didn't you see that? Like, before you started dating, like, you slept with her and you wake up the next day. and see her without it. And I did.

But I used to like tell her, like, we would like go out for breakfast the next day or like go like, you know, to shopping. And she just would never wear makeup unless like we had like a real event to go to. And I just couldn't take it. And I was like, oh, you know, don't you want to pull little makeup on or we're going out? And she would be like appalled that I would say that to her. And like hints that like she was. ugly, but I didn't want to walk around with her looking like that.

So real. So that's it. So real, bro. Oh, my God. Your fault, dog. Your fault, bro. You got God. I feel you, though.

Dude, that's being vulnerable on the pod right there. Nobody wants to admit that. about their girl. God, it's so funny when you do, though. Yeah, she's pretty, but when she's done that makeup on, Jesus Christ, bro, somebody said that on F-Boy Island. I'm not going to, I'm not going to say who. But one of the guys in the finale was like, yeah, she's pretty,

but I woke up to her. I woke up next to her. I was like, damn, dog. So real. I love people that'll just say anything. That's crazy. I don't know. You gotta know.

You gotta see it before you see it. I don't know how you can tell, but there's just something about it. There's just something that gives it away and you're like, I don't think you look like that really, though. I don't know. Hey, you got to do it though. I wonder what the reason was that you broke up. Like, what would you say? Right girl, wrong time.

Something like that. It's not you. It's me. What's one thing I never told my ex? When I was with her, I used to fantasize about breaking up with her and dating her roommate. Like that could ever happen. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bro, I hate to say, God damn, I'm saying some shit I shouldn't say on this pod.

But like every guy has thought about it. You know, like you'd never do it. But every guy's like played that scenario in his head. and sometimes they think they can do that and it's just all going to be okay guys guys might be more the most delusional people ever when it comes to girl stuff

fantasy world dog guys think they can yeah I bet I bet her sister likes me I bet I could break up with her and date her sister like next week and really think it every guy thinks about the roommate thing but they don't do it.

They're just like, nah. Every guy ever. Every guy. It's every guy. It's every guy. It's every guy. It's every guy. It's every guy in the world.

Yep. Ladies, think about the guy you're dating right now. He's thought about all that. Sorry, sorry, he has. He's thought about your roommate. He's thought about your old roommate. He's thought about your friends.

He's thought about your mom. He's thought about all that. It's two days. Thursday. Corn on the cob day. One's the last time I typewriter to corn on the cob. Never, man. I don't even see a corn on the cob anymore.

Last time I saw a corn on the cob, that's like when you really like had a family, you know? And the last time I had a family, I think I was like 10. You know, the last time, like, we're having dinner when's the last... Dude, I don't... I think I live like a...

Nah, there's definitely people out there living like I do. But the last time I've had like a sit down dinner anywhere is almost only on Christmas Day and that's like not even real. That's like, all right. But the last time I saw corn on the cob was like when I was 10 and we were having dinner.

Never put butter on it. Nope. Didn't even know that was a thing until I said, saw my friend do it. Your friend ever put you on some fat stuff. I remember the first time I got McDonald's breakfast with the pancakes. McDonald's pancakes with my friend and he put the butter on them. I was like,

when your friend does something like in your house that no one's ever done in your house and you're like, you're like looking around. My friend was putting butter on pancakes. I was like, I hope my dad doesn't see this. I'm just going to turn the other way. You know?

Or like when your friend says sucks or something. I'm in your house. We couldn't say sucks. I was like, God. Please, please, Lord. Couldn't say sucks or fart. I was like, oh my God, dude. If AJ says sucks or fart, my dad is going to literally light this place on fire. Please don't say it. But you didn't want to tell your friend that you couldn't say sucks or fart because it makes you, like, it's just not a cool thing. Hey, dude, before we go in there, make sure you don't say sucks or fart. You're right. Yeah, but Chiller was putting some butter on these pancakes. And I was like, dear God. God, I hope nobody sees this.

Like, not even my sisters. I hope my sisters don't see this. It's crazy how, like, your best friends will be at your house and see it all. Like, chiller growing up was at my house. Maybe every, like, every weekend. It was just like, yeah. That's wild. And, like, your parents, like, are responsible for feeding them and stuff.

Almost like he's part of the family a little bit. But I don't think anybody minds doing that, right? Like if I was a dad and my friend had his friend or my if I was a dad and my son and his friend over all time I was like let's show this motherfucker what we're all about yo Like Because you went him to report back to his family like yo I wonder how my friends were telling their parents after they came home from my house They were probably like yo it's crazy over there

Yo I looked in their fridge all they had was skim milk in raisins Oh shit They had no snacks And they made us play outside all day Hey their air conditioning Was off the whole time Not because they didn't have it I just didn't believe in being comfortable

Dude The reports back Stress so question of the leak What were the reports back on your house Everybody's scared of your parents Did my friends just tell me to my face They're like I don't know I just kind of I don't know

I'm kind of scared of your mom Is your mom gonna like get mad? Probably. Did I have a mean mom? God, that pissed me off. Because girls would call my house. You know how girl, oh my God, this embarrassing? Girls would call my house like your crush or whatever.

And they'd be like, is Benny home? And my mom would be so mean to them on the phone. Oh my God. And my sisters would pick up and they'd be so mean to them. I'd be like you're killing my my game at school is like not you're throwing off my game at school honestly it's Benny home he's not home who is this and then they'd hang up and be like oh my god your mom and the next day at school your mom's so mean I'd be like my mom's mean your sister's answer the phone they told us never to call again I was like oh my god

now I'm not getting any play you know what I mean like nobody's calling my after that nobody's calling the house ever again. Because it just spreads like wildfire. Oh my God. We called, we call this house. His family is so mean. They call back though.

They keep trying, bro. And it was never getting any better. We'd look at the caller ID and it would say some girl's name. I'd be like, here we go, bro. I got to get the fuck out of here. Oh, shit. I forgot all about that.

I was so embarrassed. like please and then and then the one time you you beat them to the phone hey your girlfriend's calling you wasn't even my girlfriend though honestly it's just like a group of girls that were like together in the summer and you're like do they actually want something or is this going to be like a weird phone call so nervous to talk on the phone because I don't know what to talk about and like it's four on one bro it's such an advantage dude girls always have the the advantage when they call four girls around the phone on speaker calling me in their mom is there too so their mom's like giving them like stuff to say I'm like so I answer the phone hello hello I like stutter and I'm like hello

polities what fuck why would I say that and then I hear four more phones in the house both my sisters my mom listening to this whole conversation's tapped I'm like god what are you doing I say the lameish shit. I just like, it was like I was like playing basketball in the driveway. Why did I say that? I don't care

that I was doing that. I should have said something cool. I should have said I was like at the pool. Did you make a shot for me? Actually like I lowered the basketball hoop to like eight feet. So I was like, you know, like dunking and stuff. Why am I getting into details? What are you doing tonight? I was going to like

play like put put put with my dad maybe but like I don't know I'm like kind of in trouble do you want to go to like a movie or something actually I'm not allowed to do anything because my parents hate me and I haven't been out of the house in three months

if I was being honest then I'd hang up the phone after and like thought I cried I'd be like, Mom, can I go to the... No! All right. Well, see you on the first day of school, guys. Just bombing every one of those, man. I'll never forget.

I might have been 0 for 20 on girl phone calls in the summer. Before cell phones, oh for... A, still am. When a girl calls your... Like, when a girl... I'm 0 for a million. I don't know. I bombed one literally.

yesterday. I was like, God, why'd I do that? Why'd I do that? Okay, salsa. Never forget that one. Bombing with girls. Just some things will never change. In the store, cute girl. Seen her before, know each other. She knows me. I know her. Not like that, though. It's like, I think she, I thought she looked good one time. I didn't say anything obviously. Hopefully she thought the same of me. See her in the store, walk by her. Just us. stores closing. Stars are aligned to say something kind of funny. Carrying a basket, not a cart, a basket. Tortia chips in it. I walk by. Look at her. Look at the basket. See the chips. Only thing that's in my head. Say something. Say something. Say something. Say something. Say something.

You have to say something. Not high. Not what are you about what's going on? What's up? I haven't seen you nothing like that. I just look at her and go, okay salsa. Yo! With the dance? The dance. That's not even the dance,

you know? Didn't even do the salsa. Oh for a million. Talking to girls, oh for a million. It'll never get better. German chocolate cake day. You can't tell me.

The first time you're in the cake aisle, the cake aisle, the cake aisle, the cake box aisle. You know what I'm talking about. Icing everywhere, sprinkles. The cake aisle. It's a fun aisle.

Grocery store aisles. Cereals always number one. Chips is number two. Chip aisles crazy, bro. If you're, dude, the chip aisle feels like I'm not even allowed to be in there sometimes. Because I'd like ask for too much.

Growing up, I'd be like, I'd be like at, like if I, like I would ask for Cheetos every time we're at the store. No. It felt like I was in the adult only section we're in the chip pile's like man

look but don't touch big dog actually don't even say a word she ain't get into any of this shit bake lays maybe maybe bake lays if it's like the 4th of July or something pretty lit aisle at the store um

another a frozen food aisle kind of kind of fun because there's always things that you're like oh my god we'd never buy that but like Like, how crazy would it be if we just got one of those, like, what are those pies called, dude? That's what I thought was like the most expensive thing at the store. What are those called? Oh, my God, dude.

That's what I thought, you know? You know, you go to Chucky Cheese and like the mega prizes are in like the glass case. Like, there's probably a Xbox game or something. That's what I thought in the grocery store. I'm like, if we like somehow left with a Sarah Lee pie, like I know, I know our whole family's going to die soon because like that's, it's just crazy. A Sarah Lee pie, I would see that and just be like, oh, that's it. Like that's the, that's the, that's the, that's the craziest thing you could ever get to store right there. A Sarah Lee cherry pie. Can you imagine if your mom put that in your car?

It had to be, in my head, it was 7499. And it might be. I've never checked. Honestly, still scared to look. I feel like I'm not worthy. I'm like, I can't even look at that pie. Has anybody ever bought one of those pies? A Sarah Lee pie from the grocery store?

Yeah, let's just, let's just grab a Sarah Lee. Okay, grab a Sarah Lee pie. I feel like having a pie tonight. No one's ever done that. I've never even talked to anybody that's ever bought one of those pies. It's always from the like the bakery. If you're getting a pie at a store, It's from like the bakeries.

It's not from the frozen food section. Anyway, frozen food aisle, it's up there. But the cake aisle, it's a pretty good aisle. Underrated, you don't see it coming.

You're just like, oh, shit, we're in the, okay, okay, all right. You're like looking at the Oreo

and Reese's brownies. You're like, what if we got that? What if my mom got that? Funfetti. You're like, yo, oh my,

that would actually be so much fun if we got those. You're like, you know, you're like trying to, you know, you're like, try to influence your mom

to buy stuff at the store when you're a kid. Oh, that's where it starts. That's where the bullshit starts. And when you start like gassing up your mom to buy you something, you know, we haven't had brownies in a while and you're so good at making those. Look at these Oreo ones. I know you like Oreos.

Just pumping your mom. And didn't sound right at all. Just gassing your mom up to buy some, buy some bullshit. Why they have Reese's ones? But when you went by the cake And your mom was about to make a cake And you saw German chocolate cake The first time you saw German chocolate cake

I just want to know what went through your head First time you saw German chocolate cake What went through your head? Because I looked at it and I was like That looks like if a baby threw up on a cake And honestly, I don't like German people because of that. Like,

I, like, I kind of like when I, when, when, when I see a German person, I'm like, but can you explain the cake? What? Like, I got one thing to ask you is like, the Betty Crocker German chocolate cake. Why does it look so gross? Like, that's what you, that's what it, that's what you guys are all about. The only thing I know about German people is their cake looks like crap, dude.

Why does it look like? I threw up on that cake. And why are you promoting that? Never ever in my life did we ever grab that box of cake. And thank God. I got to check it out real quick. Why are they doing that? I've never seen that cake in real life either.

Just an unbelievable phenomenon. And it wasn't even the cake. It was the frosting. Explain this. The first time you saw this at the store? Mommy? Why did a baby throw up on that cake? Me at the store.

Mommy, why is there throw up on that cake? Why would you put that? I don't know. They're still rocking it though. People are still, somebody likes it. Friday. Peanut butter cookie day. I'll punch a hole in the wall.

Do you understand? There's just something about like peanut butter cookies are good. Probably like 25% of the time. You know, you're always like, these should be good, right? And you eat it. you're like, it's not good. It's never really good. But you, there's always one that you're like, oh my God, this might have changed how I think about cookies. You ever have a peanut butter cookie so good for like three weeks? Like, you're like peanut butter over chocolate, bro. Like it,

like, it does something to you. It's always the ones that are like undercooked. A hard peanut butter cookie. I'm like, ew. But you get that like soft one that's like, it's almost raw in the middle, you know? It's like they just didn't even cook all the way through, but can't get away from them. Can't get away. They're always talking to me. Every time I want a cookie, it's, it's always I'm getting chocolate chip, bro. Come on.

Get real. Get with the program. Get with the program. Maybe I'll get two chocolate chip. But that's when peanut butter butts in. Remember me? Remember that one time? Peanut butter always taps me on the shoulder. Hey, fun me, staff. Just say the words.

Peanut butter, yo. It never ends. My fight with peanut butter cookies. Bro, it's a girl that like, you're like, damn, we really coulda, though. We could have went to this. Oh, shit. Chocolate chip always seems better, huh?

Yeah. The chips aren't always chocolier. The chips aren't always chocolate here. The chips aren't always as chocolate on that side. Would have been nice on the first take, huh? I don't know. It's more chocolate on that side, Big Dog. What you had for what we had?

Hey, you're eating the chocolate chip cookie thinking about peanut butter. I know you think about me. Do you think about me when you're with her? All right. Wow. What's wrong with this guy? What's wrong with this guy? That's how fat I am.

That's just how fat I am. And how lonely he is. Oh, God. She's red. Red Rose Day. I'm so sick of red roses. and I'm also I'm also sick of girls pretending like they like them. We're ours, but red roses?

Like, such a cliche flower. Like, red roses are all over movies, like a game, like all over. Yeah, Valentine's, red roses? Boring. Like, you can't tell, if I came to your, like, if a guy that you like gave you red roses, you be like, yo, can you like think a little bit? can you be creative for red roses what am I about to die

okay Romeo like red roses I think red roses are so lame like get the flowers get the mix the variety if you're gonna get a girl flowers flowers I don't I don't get flowers honestly and this is such guy but like I know they look pretty

this is a guy that buys flowers for his house actually but like isn't the whole thing kind of played out. You got me flowers. I can live it. All right. Like that's what you. All right.

Okay. It's that easy, huh? Why can't everything else that are girls like? I can't talk. Guys, a podcast can't speak. How come everything else girls like is so complicated. Unless it's just flowers.

Flowers are like, yes, yes, boom, 10 out of 10. Get me any flowers ever. Doesn't matter when, where, what they look like. Yes. Can't miss. And then everything else in the world is like,

I have no idea. Where you want to eat. Like the color of the bag you want. Like, yo, so complicated. But flower. Oh my God. Yeah.

Any flowers. Oh my God. They're so beautiful. I'll never get that shit Saturday Sewing machine day just the look of a sewing machine makes me want to kick somebody's ass

When I see a sewing machine My first instinct is to get a metal bat The one my dad used in college And just Knocked that thing out of the park Out of a window They just sewing machines look so stupid Sewing machines look like that

shark from SpongeBob. I'm like, I can't even look at this, dude. God, a dumber piece of I don't think a dumber piece of equipment exists. Blow dryers piss me off too. Sowing machines to no one sewing machines. Good Lord. Nobody knows how to sew anymore. Except for Joanne. Yeah, right. This guy can't be serious. Golf cart day. I look like a guy that should have wrecked seven golf cards. Never have, though. Never been in one. Definitely never driven one.

Because I've only been on a golf course one time. Sunday. Strawberry Shortcake Day. Ooh. Take some guts for me to order that too. Always worth it. Really have to be like taking chances that day for me to go strawberry shortcake though. And I know it's going to be good, but it's just...

Chocolate always wins. Chocolate always wins. Even when strawberry shortcakes right there, like you're picking out a pint, you know? Ben and Jerry's pints. Crazy decision right there. I wonder, I think that... And I honestly never see anybody in front of the Ben and Jerry pint,

like selection, as long as I am. I promise you, I was in front of the Ben and Jerry's pint. pint window in the frozen food section for 14 minutes. That's a long time. And it could have been 20. Like, I just don't. And then I grab one and walk around, try to find something else. And I'm like still thinking about that other one.

I'm like, did I make the right move here? And strawberry shortcake is always in the conversation and I never go with it. I'm eating peanut butter world. But you know, it's in my head. Are you thinking about me when you're with her? Nobody in the history of the world has ever gotten Cherry Garcia. And you can't convince me. Name a person.

Name one living person that's like, I get Cherry Garcia and I really have a fixing for ice cream. Come on, dog. Nobody ever. Like, I feel like it's like, it's like they're contracted by Cherry to like keep it on the shelves. because what? Cherry Garcia?

Dude, even grandpas are like, I'm good off that, dude. He's buying this. Honestly, though, who's buying this? Mexico Day. I went to Taco Bell. I was in San Diego. Went to Taco Bell.

Love this part about doing comedy. It's challenging. Whole grind is challenging. But you do a show. Oh, it goes well. You got to drive home two hours after the show. You're going to get home at like 1.30 a.m. 2 a.m. Maybe 2.m.

No matter what, it always just ends up like that. But before, okay, you leave the comedy club. It's all yeah, all good. All good. Yep, yep, good to go. Boom, you're in the car. What am I eating? Because, like, you earned it.

You know what I mean? You got that feel like, okay, I just did this thing. It feels every time you do stand. Every time I do stand up, I'm like, that was, dude, impossible. Like, what a, what a thing we did. It feels like that every single time. And it's just like, what are we eating?

And it's Taco Bell every single time. It's always open. It sounds good. Boom. It's not that bad for you. Cantina Bowl. Yeah. Taco Bell Cantina Bowl.

No ranchero sauce. No guac. No sour cream. Kind of a waste of money. Because I'm only gonna eat the chicken. Pull up to the, to the drive-thru. Can I get three, what are they called? Three, uh, what the hell are they called?

The bowls at Taco Bell. I just said it. You guys losing as fucking mine. Cantina Bulls. Can I get three canteena bowls? Okay, like already kind of, I knew it was gonna be bad when she was like, all right. And then I go triple chicken, any,

one. She goes, triple chicken in each one? And I was like, yeah. She goes, I don't even know if I can do that. We can only do extra chicken? I go, well, can you do extra extra? And she goes, what are you, what are you even doing? And I was like, oh my God. Are you even allowed to like say this stuff? Like, I literally said that. And she was like, well, it's just like a wild order. And I was like, I'm, I go. I'm just locked in right now. She goes, I feel it. I feel it. And I was like, okay, this is.

She goes, okay, is that it? And I go, yo, and can you not do sour cream, guac, orangeero sauce, and any of them? And she goes, but those are the things that make it taste good. I was like, oh my God. Like, I just can't explain this right now.

So I'm like, this is going to be. And she's like, okay, all right. Sounds good. What was it? It's probably like 60. $55 at the second window. And I was like, gotta do what you gotta do.

If you want to eat healthy, you gotta do what you gotta do. So I'm like, all right, cool. She's a pull up to the second window. I was like, all right.

And, but like in line, I was like, this is going to be horrible. Because like, I'm going to have to face this girl and get this order. And like,

God. And you know it's like a 25 year old girl. That's just like, what the fire? Worst nightmare. Pull up to the window. though. It's two girls. Both.

She was the one making fun of you. Bro, was a whole thing. And this is what I came up with. Why are you like, this is disgusting handing it over to me. And I'm like, I'm just meal prepping for next week. He pulled out meal prepping.

Okay, yeah. You know, you can like go to Chipotle and get like the catering meal and meal prep like that. Yeah, I saw that. Got my food. Sat in my car. Ate all three bowls.

Just chicken in complete silence. Nothing on the radio. Hazard lights on on the side of the road. Side of the road. Sunroof open. Just listening to cars blow by me. Best part of my weekend.

Oh my God. What do I got to do around here to just enjoy myself a tiny bit? Lord have mercy. Order something just get made fun of the whole time. I mean, what? I don't want ranchero sauce. Is that hard to believe? Dude, if I worked out of Taco Bell and somebody threw down that order on my shift,

I'd lean through the window and... Do you want any sauce with that? Do you want any fire sauce with that? What about mild? You sure? Wow. Love you guys. Coach Pee Court of the Week

What was the last text my dad sent me? Just met a kid from FC that knew you He's friends with Danny All right Only takes four seconds to start a fire Hey In real life And when you have no motivation

God I can't speak In real life And when you have zero motivation Only takes four seconds To start a fire Four seconds Four seconds I don't want to do it.

Four seconds. I don't feel like getting up. Four seconds. It doesn't mean that much to me. Four seconds. I don't want to do that right now. Four seconds. I don't really need that.

Four seconds. I don't really want to go. It's not going to be worth my time. Four seconds. I promise myself I'd do it every day this year. I haven't really done it, though. Only takes four seconds. What do you mean, though?

Four seconds to decide to do something and actually do it. Four seconds. Change your whole day around. Four seconds, bro. Break a habit. Four seconds to start a habit. I really don't want to go work out. I don't really need, like, I don't really, I don't think I have to.

I went yesterday. I don't need any go. Four seconds, bro. Put on the compression shorts. side. Go. How good are you going to feel when it's done? Future self, baby. That's why we do it. It's just never been an L. It's never been an L.

When you do the thing you don't want to do. Did the thing I don't want to do. Failed miserably. Still the most beneficial thing I've ever done in my life. That? Or just laid there? It's a sin, babe. Four seconds to start a fire, man. Four seconds! Go do the thing you don't want to do right now.

There you. How good are you going to feel after? It'll honestly change your life. Does every time. I think every time after I work out, I'm like, that literally probably changed my life. Whole day is different. Outlook on life.

A thousand percent better. Attitude, million percent better. Confidence skyrocketing. Boom. I'll do I can do whatever. All that shit I was worried about before I worked out. Literally panicking. After I work out,

shit's easy, man. Not a personal motivation podcast or anything. Not a self-talk podcast. Not a self-help podcast. Not a motivational podcast. Not a personal growth podcast. All right, that's it, fam. Love y'all.

Miss you guys. Hey, me back on the road soon. Get you some dates here. Coming up Keep working hard though yo Love you for real See you on the live stream It's ha ha

Fight