Espresso - fingertips in the freezer

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻����𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) on this episode Ben answers the Espresso Question of the week: what's the worst first date you've ever been on? (like finding fingertips in someone's freezer) Ben remembers how f*cked up it was when teachers randomly called on you, he explains how awkward hugging is and tells us about the most sexual dog petting experience he's ever seen 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Shot 173 Espresso Podcast With Ben Balisi This song's kinda sad but It's okay We always Crispy Uh Yeah Yeah

Never know when to rap Just keep doing that Yeah Yeah Okay Yeah. Never know when to rap. Just keep doing that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Swear to God. This my favorite podcast in the world.

Baby girl. Put the headphones on. Let Benny P sing a song, yeah. Just act like I didn't just fucking spit some bars Cause I did, right? Shot 173 Espresso podcast with Ben Polizzi Thanks for listening Remember to follow on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Cameo

And Patreon For the real fam at Benedict Polizzi. Another espresso podcast coming out on Patreon this week. It's going to be a little double shot for the fam. You'll get it two episodes a week if you subscribe to my Patreon at Benedict Polizzi. Just type that in the Google, put Patreon put patreon after you get a little double shot of spress spress spress shows in louisville were lit thanks for coming out man it's probably the most fun i've ever had at a comedy like a comedy show weekend oh my god sean latham is the funniest

person ever dude for a minute i like, is this even legal? Like, it was just insane, man. I wasn't just laughing. Like, I was like, I fell on the ground and my eyes were watering. And that didn't happen for one show. That happened for four shows I was there. Crazy. Dude, it's hilarious.

If you got a chance to see them, go see them. him We're gonna be in Dayton Late October at Wiley's I'll get the dates But dude I'm telling you man Insane Underrated $20 chef on Instagram And Sean Latham on Instagram He's a good cook too Have a good question this week

Espresso question of the week What's your worst and weirdest first date? That's honestly my biggest fear ever to go on, like, a first date. A real date? Can you imagine? Like, I'm really interested in this person I saw on Instagram. And then you DM them. And then you're like, do you want to go get food?

Like, it's always grab a drink. That's what, like, do you want to go get food? It's always grab a drink. That's what like, will you go on a date with me? It's like, let's grab a drink. Is that counted as a date? How do you know? Grab a drink to me is just like, all right, fuck it. Let's do it. I'll let you know when I'm like out with like 60 other people.

I think grab a drink means let's go on a date, low key. I think I just figured that out. But to me, first date is like, hey, I just saw you on Instagram and you are so beautiful. Will you like to go out with me? I don't know why I'm like a computer, but that's kind of what it seems like when you have somebody on a date. Will you go to Brew Burger Bar and Grill with me? I'll pick you up at 8 o'clock.

Please send address. That's what first date seems to mean. You pick them up and you have flowers in your hand and you open the door and you... All the way there. And then you eat there and it's all official. Pull her chair out. Let her sit down. Put a napkin on my lap.

My posture is impeccable and I'm patting my mouth with my napkin like this. Just patting it dry. Would you like anything else? More wine? No. Wouldn't be right. Get you home before 10. Like, that's that kind of first date thing.

I've never been on a date like that, which is kind of normal, I think. But I think a lot of people have. So let's get into it. Espresso, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. Oh, yeah, I asked for voice messages on this one. When I do questions of the week, it would be dope if you guys could send voice messages because it makes it sound so legit remember that one time that lady i forget what question it was and that lady sent in a voice message and it was like crispy it sounded like a real like show let's do that let's do that from now on voice messages from now on okay but this time oh shit k-o-k-c worst weirdest first date experience yo i had a

booger hanging out of my nose for at least an hour and she never made eye contact contact with me i went to the bathroom after a couple beers and saw the disaster dude i don't know i don't know about that i would take that if i was going on a date and the other person in front of me had a booger hanging out of my nose, that's Icebreak City. I'm just waiting for Icebreak City on any type of social situation where people are kind of nervous. I'm ready. The minute something dumb happens, I'm like, yes!

We can act normal! Oh, shit! Did you see that? She fucking tripped and skinned her fucking face. We can all laugh. Oh, my God. What a fucking relief. She's bleeding. Oh, my God. Are you okay? You're okay? Okay.

I thought she died. Alright, let's all be ourselves now. Like, when something... something like i wish a fucking booger was hanging out of my nose in every weird situation so the other person could be like dude you piece of shit wipe your nose off then i would do it and i'm like fuck that'd be great i might every time i'm in a weird weird situation job interview i'm just gonna have a fucking i'm gonna have white corners during during a job interview and if the guy that's interviewing me doesn't isn't like yo hey

there's shit on the sides of your mouth you fucking weirdo I'll be like I don't want the job if they don't address my white corners on the job interview I don't want to work there that's that goes with every interview if an interview is like super formal did you ever have an interview class in college bro i had that it wasn't an interview class it was like a debate class it was so fucking weird but one of the debates the teacher was like no no no we're gonna switch it up and this time it's not a debate we're doing an interview because that's what you guys are doing for the rest of your lives are interviews and i was like this sucks but i like and of course i got paired with like the smartest motherfucker in the world he was on like the cycling team he had like a buzz

cut and was like very good at participating in class this motherfucker ran shit anytime there's a question bang everything bang thought provoking bang that's a good, bang, everything. Bang, thought provoking. Bang, that's a good question. Every time. Has anybody, like, imagine the teacher pointing at you and your hands up and you asking a question and the teacher going, great question. That is, dude, that's my fucking number one dream for the teacher to fucking say that shit to me. That's a good question, Ben.

That has never happened. Dude, how about that fucking move when the teacher calls on you and they know you're fucked up you know you know you could tell like when i didn't know it like an answer and in class i was like not making eye contact i was like you know just trying to like focus on some other shit like just trying to like figure it out kind of like but in my head i was like oh my god God, don't fucking pick me. Oh my God. I'm going to make a fucking ass of myself for the 10th time this week. Stop. Holy shit. My friends always already think I'm stupid. God damn it. And, but I'm just sitting there and I'm like, please don't call me. Please don't call

me. Please don't call me. And she doesn't call me. You're like, Oh, thank God. And you kind of forget a little bit. And then the next question rolls around and you're like, please don't call me. Please don't call me. Please don't call me. And she doesn't call me. And you're like, oh, thank God. And you kind of forget a little bit. And then the next question rolls around and you're like, oh, God. Well, she didn't call me last time. She wouldn't call me this time. Ben, do you know? Oh, God! What the fuck? You're mean. This is rude. Why'd you fucking know? You know I don't know.

Look at my fucking face. Oh, my God. Dude, I bail that every time. every time every time ben do you know is what i'd say i'm not sure and i just fucking cut all ties with the question you don't have a get nah i'm not really um i don't really know i'm kind of I'm kind of confused like I'd play the guilty card so hard when I didn't know I'd be like um I don't I uh I'd like be so guilty at the question that I'd like to say some shit I shouldn't have said I'd like tell a whole background story oh my god I just yesterday it was just a weird day for me and like um i just didn't have a good night of sleep and like i don't

know like i was watching boy meets world last night and like if the i don't know it was like the finale and like mr feeney got really fucking mad and like i'm not used to him being mad at cory so like that was weird then i woke up and we didn't have any fucking we didn't have any microwavable pancakes so like that now I'm off on the wrong foot I get here I forgot my fucking folder at home with all you know what I mean and so now like and now like I I sat by like this weird kid at lunch and he turned his milk carton into like he got the straw and put it in there and like smash it down he pretended it was an army tank and that was freaking me out because I don't like like the military because like it just it's a big deal like i just i just think

it's like kind of weird like i just don't understand what's going on and why they always wear their uniforms everywhere why do they do that like what are these are like i always think like someone's gonna shoot me when i see a guy in all full army gear at dairy queen so that's why I'm confused I look up and the whole class is gone holy shit I don't even know what we're talking about but yeah when a teacher would pull that card and call on you when she didn't when you knew when, when she knew you didn't know, and the teacher would be like, Ben, what do you got? Like, that's fucked up, man. I remember looking at my teacher one time after he did that, and I was like, you piece of shit. And she looked at me like this. I know I am. That's why I'm working here, teaching your bitch ass.

That's why I'm working here, teaching your bitch ass. I bailed out quick on shit I didn't know. Like, yo, don't waste your time on me, sister. I am not here for the fucking long division. I got to go home and learn all this shit. Are you serious? I can't learn with your loud mouth fucking teaching me. How am I going to learn in school?

I learn this shit at home when I ask my mom, all right? I don't fucking know. No, do not. The amount of times my dad had to fucking relearn the whole chapter of math because I didn't understand what the fuck was going on. Bro, that... The amount of times my dad would quiz me on some shit, I'd learn everything. He'd quiz me.

I'd get them all right. Ten minutes later, he'd quiz me again on the same shit. I'd fucking bomb. He just said it! I thought it was because the sun hits the plant and that makes the water evaporate

so then that's condensation. No! We just fucking talked about that. The amount of times my dad slammed my signs. My dad shut my signs book so it was like and fucking threw it by the fireplace and did the sign of the cross.

That was my whole, dude, no wonder, bro. When my dad quizzed my ass, I was like, oh, fuck. This is not okay. Science book with a blue book cover on it fabric just fucking in the just airborne hits the fireplace my dad doesn't sign the cross I go like this god damn it under my breath he goes what'd you say Next one. Steph Rain. Weirdest, worst first date experience. Just straight up, he had a tattoo on his ball sack that said cowabunga.

Bro, the fact that this whole thing. Talk about regretting some shit, dude. How can people get tattoos like that? You know, the next day you'd be like, fuck. That's like if I got a tattoo, like, on my, like, ass that says, like, to infinity and beyond. You know, at, like, one point in your life, you're like, I'm gonna say that. That is the saying I go by. You get the tattoo and a year later you're like, what'm going to say that. That is the saying I go by. You get the tattoo and a year later, you're like,

what the fuck? I was such a bitch. I do that every day. I could never get a tat. With words. But a tattoo of Tweety Bird? Yeah, put it on my right back shoulder. Here we go. Hey-o, may-o, mayne.

Worst first date experience. Voice message. Worst first date? Probably my next one. Oh, God. Holy shit. Lots of bad ones, but I'll pick a random one out for you. I was talking to a girl on Plenty of Fish, which you're right, that puts us in the year 2012.

And for some reason, she wanted to come over to my house without ever meeting in public. I later learned that means she's a crazy person but at the time i thought it was just fucking convenient and so i'm in now i'm in i'm in there's there's three uh parts to this that was part one so she texts me tells me she's here and open the door. I still remember this image because I opened the door and I see somebody who was not the fucking person I was talking to. Like, like this wasn't like a catfish, which by the way, it didn't exist yet,

but it's just like her face was just laid out differently. Like it was a puzzle and it was just like fucking put together wrong. Like it was it was just different. I don't know what she was doing to those pictures, which we didn't have Snapchat then. So I don't fucking know. But I was so thrown off that I just like had her over for a little bit and then said, oh, sorry, I got this thing I got to do and never talked to her again. Hey, man, man, man.

What a G. About six months later, my friend Tony says he's talking to this girl and you know he's kind of excited about it and he shows me well it's that girl and he's like what you talked to her no i've met her what and so he's like oh i'm gonna tell i'm gonna say something to her and so he's says hey uh friend clint says he met you. And she's like, Oh yeah. You mean the guy that had me over for 20 minutes and kick me the fuck out? Dude sat with two cushions in between us, which I don't know how I only had three, but yeah. Um, that was kind of jarring. Uh uh if you do this like eight more times i can give you like eight more not good first date stories

johnson out dude holy fuck might be my fave espresso listener yeah i guess never have anybody over to your house before seeing them that's a fucking risk my boy hey mayo mayo man just should have fucking just should have cut the grass or something bro sit that one out but damn dog getting somebody to leave your house after you like set up a date with them i would struggle with that anytime someone's at my house and i want them to leave i just start doing chores this fucking dude just came over one time in college and just started like was like obviously couldn't read the body language couldn't fucking do it people were leaving and he was still over and i was like bro you're gonna leave like i wasn't gonna say that to him but i just started

like doing dishes like hard like doing everything in my house and he was not getting the fucking hand. That's how I'd get, that's how I tried to get somebody to leave, but they wouldn't leave. Then I'd be like, Hey, you want to, you don't wipe them and put them away. I'll wash them. That's how I'd handle that situation. Oh, you know where the silverware drawer is? You fucking rookie right there. Come toast ramen Come on Hey mayo mayo though Good shit boy With the voice message Here we go

Ray Hensley comedy Worst first date experience Almost threw up I had a girl Break her nose Falling into my car before our first date. And I took her to the hospital and they thought I beat on her and handed her a spousal abuse card. And she was like, nah, I fell and they didn't believe her and hated me.

Oh shit, bro. What a trap. The minute somebody gets hurt on a date though that's a weird situation cause like as the guy like you wanna be the good guy and be like come on let's go I'll take care of you but as the girl like damn bro that's a lot of shit

you're putting that person through like if a girl picked me up dude if that happened to me and I like broke my leg getting into the car, I would never talk to that girl again. I would never talk to that girl again, let alone have her take me to Eskenazi

Hospital. ER. Ah! Talk about a fucking icebreaker though. I just told everybody I like those. How about that for an icebreaker? Holy shit, I snapped my fucking ankle getting into your car and taking me to the ER on the double. So, what do you

do for work? Bleeding out in her front seat. I'm gonna look for some voice messages, man. Okay, this isn't a voice message But this shit is so stupid Worst or weirdest first date experience XX Jojo

Got into his car After two minutes of talking He chugged a white claw he got from his backseat Crushed the can And threw it at my legs Holy shit Crushed the can and threw it at my legs. Holy shit. Did you date all my friends?

Her legs. Just imagine a crushed fucking white claw can hitting like your fucking thigh. Ow! I wonder what the fuck her reaction was to that i you know what i'm not mad at that approach i guess he was driving so that's a little unsafe maybe if it was like a fucking you know a capri sun then it'd be like a okay white claw though off the rails my luck i'd like get a capri sun pop that bitch fucking it takes like 10 years to drink a capri sun so i'd be doing that for like 10 minutes and she'd be like what the fuck are you doing what the fuck and i'd be like my face is red as fuck you see that vein in

my forehead pop out and i throw it at her and like you know how capri sun pouches are like sharp it like slices her leg open. Ah! Take me to Eskenazi! Straight up gentleman shit. Okay, here we go. John Kuhn. Worst, weirdest first date

experience. I don't know if it's still too late for the worst first date thing. You're right on time. But I think I still have the voicemail from the girl saying, Hey, it's me, Catherine. The girl with her ex-boyfriend's fingertips in her freezer. I've noticed you haven't been answering my phone calls or text messages.

Yeah. Yeah, first date, we went back to her house i met her on tinder and she was like you're gonna think this is like weird and she pulled out the the bag from the freezer with uh the tips of her boyfriend's fingers shut up and uh she's like he said like i have an anger problem but like he totally has an anger problem there's more of that story uh but if you hear this i can i could try to consolidate this story or whatever um stay awesome bye Um Old fucking bag of

Bugles in the fridge huh We'll pretend that never happened That was insane I don't know if that's even allowed to be on the internet I don't know we'll figure it out Alright let's do two more Two more Oh shit another voice message should I do it Yo Ben Let's do two more. Two more.

Oh, shit, another voice message. Should I do it? Yo, Ben, this is in regards to your IG story about the weirdest slash worst first date. I don't know if it's too late if you haven't recorded yet. But my junior year, I matched with this girl on Hinge, and i asked her if she wanted to go get some coffee and we went to this little local spot at like eight o'clock in the morning the next day and we were going fine we were having fun on our date and then just like halfway through the date she asked me if i wanted to go do coke in the bathroom and I respectfully declined dude

8am 8am date 8am date if anybody asked you to go on a date at 8am what the fuck bro

my leg my leg at an 8 a.m. date coke where the fuck were you bro Amsterdam that's crazy dog that's a good story thank Thank you. Here we go. One more. Brandon Rose, 99. What is the weirdest, worst, first date you've ever been on? Just moved to Vegas in 2003. Didn't know a soul. Got on Match.com and met Pamela Anderson lookalike. Holy fuck.

Duh. Bro, that would be terrifying to get on a dating app in Vegas. She was 75 pounds plus heavier in person than she was in her pics. Ten minutes into drinks, she informed me that she was practicing Wakan, which Wakan pulled out a pentagram medallion she was wearing underneath her sweater and told me that she'd had sex with over 700 dudes. I mean, bro. Part of you had to know.

And I think it was when you matched with her and she looked exactly like Pamela Anderson. You had to fucking know that this shit was wild. Ha ha! Oh, shit. But I get the other half of you that was like, I kind of just kind of want to fucking see what the hell is going on here. I feel like I'd just get killed on a dating app. And every girl is on

a fucking dating app. Ew, no. I'm not walking outside alone, but I will with this guy that I just fucking met on this dating app that looks nothing like what he does in the pictures. What the fuck? Alright.

Let's go viral. But first, the Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave 1 Media. If you want to start your own show, visit thewave1.com Alright, let's go viral. Viral. I like totals

totals here we go hashtag things I learn by doing everything dog I've not learned one thing in my life by just absorbing it I always think I can though, every single time. I have to practice everything I've ever been good at for six years. Easy, easy six. Although, although, although I think I was a better driver when I first started driving than I am right now.

Remember driving like when you cared? That's fucked up, but you know what I mean? Like I drove for like 20 minutes today and I was like, I need to get my shit together. Remember driving when you were like paying attention? Like bang, turn signal, boom, lights, guy next to me guy back there i'm fucking in the zone i remember driving when i didn't think about anything else it was like it's probably after college is when i started being like holy fuck i wonder did i bring my lunch is it back there i'm gonna check back there

yeah i was a way better driver when I first started Typing on a computer though I swear I didn't even learn how to type I just figured it out The other day I was typing something and I was like Holy fuck I'm killing it But like typing class in high school How fucking infuriating was that class

My back hurts thinking about that class That little cover over the keyboard Fuck off I was always looking under that cover bro My back hurts thinking about that class. That little cover over the keyboard? Fuck off. I was always looking under that cover, bro. How about your dad typing? My dad still can't really type. I'm like, um... He kind of types with one finger.

I noticed it in fourth grade. I was like... You ever get asked to type something in front of your class when you're growing up holy shit probably way different than uh than now kids i feel like just know how to type now because like the iphone keyboard oh that probably helped out a lot iphone keyboards definitely taught me how to like actually type i just keep wanting to say type shit during this segment but holy shit man one of my friends was like doing something on the on the tv the computer was hooked up to the tv i don't know how that

fucking happened in 2002 but it did and he had to type something into google and i felt so bad for this motherfucker. I was like, thank God that is not me, bro. But he like low-key held his shit together. I was like, if I was up there right now... Where's the fucking giant?! Oh my God. Hashtag... Hashtag...

Someone needs to say it hashtag someone needs to say it um dude you know what someone needs to say that i don't know who invented it. Actually I do. And it started in seventh grade when, but someone needs to say that we don't have to fucking hug each other. Unless it's literally your fucking family or your girlfriend or boyfriend. Actually,

if it's just your boyfriend, you hug them or your boyfriend or family guys should just just your boyfriend, you hug him. Or boyfriend or family. Guys should just not even be able to hug girls. But I swear to God, there was a point in time where every time I fucking hugged... Because it was a big deal. In seventh grade, people started fucking hugging each other. And I was like, what? I've never hugged anybody up until this point.

But girls would be like, give me a hug. Bye. And you're like, if I don't hug you, I i'm gonna be a big fucking dick all of a sudden because i want to fucking hug you what the fuck do i have to it's so hard to back out of a hug you know if somebody's like doing that you can't be like no you know you gotta like courtesy side hug them and that's even weirder they're like why don't you want to hug me you're like holy fucking shit because i don't even know you! That's why, because you're my friend's cousin that just transferred here. And you have weird teeth, and I'm not used to your face yet.

Oh, shit. It's just hard to fucking hug people sometimes, bro. Like, have you ever tried to hug somebody that's not your height? Like, you know what I'm talking about in, like, eighth grade? Like, everybody's hugging each other, and there's a really fucking short girl, and you had to, like, fucking bend down, do that weird, like, do that weird teacher bend down, like you're going to help somebody at their desk. You have to be like, mm-hmm.

Like, if somebody took a picture of me all the times I bend down, hug somebody, bro, I would look fucked up. Oh, shit. The amount of times I went through a phase where every time I hug somebody, I fucking crush their toes, too. And thank God for me, the person I was hugging all those times, all those different people who knows who they were didn't say shit are those your toes that would be me I swear to god I said that so many times I hug somebody and be like oh good

my bad I just why do I always have to talk like that when I do something embarrassing oh shit I was crunching toes bro Cause I'm gonna see you Take me to Eskenazi Dude Holy fuck the amount of times I like You ever go to like hug your uncle or some shit

Or like you know just some Fucking dude that you like You know is your homie but he's older So you feel like he's like maybe like part I don't know like an old coach or something That you really fucked with you see him and you're like What's up and you like guy to guy you give him that shake And come in for like the over the top

Like on the back While you're still holding his hand next to your fucking chest that what a fucking guy love move just fucking hey how you doing strong shake hands to chest both of you and then around the back that shit is that shit feels good god damn it but the amount of times i fucking clapped the hand brought it to the chest and then fucking before the both our heads went to the same side so i damn near kissed this motherfucker unbelievable amount of times i almost went fucking sweet lips to sweet lips with my Uncle Ben. Bro.

Jesus Christ, I was happy to see this motherfucker, and I was like, yeah, let's go. Fucking this thing. Both our heads. Damn, we just should have finished the job, honestly. Shout out, Uncle Ben. Hashtag major issues for high schoolers. Knowing where the fucking rooms are and shit.

Damn, that was always my biggest fear. Coming into a new... Oh, when I was like a freshman, dude, I was like, how in the fuck am I going to find room 318? That's always my biggest fear about shit. I'm like, I don't know... I don't not want to go to school I just don't know like that shit Like where's the class

The curriculum Fuck it The teacher they're all the same Who's in my class I could fucking Care less Where is the damn thing Bro it's so hard to find rooms I think that was the hardest part of high school

Honestly Yeah you're in 318 in the side room I'm like where the fuck Is that supposed to be Like I built this god damn facility What Okay I guess I'll be late

For the first week because I have no fucking clue. Dude, I was the motherfucker that had no idea what his schedule was until like the year was over. I wouldn't know when you get up for Christmas break.

Like December 18th. Okay, I wouldn't know my schedule until like December 10th. I'd be like, I have math next. Yeah, I know that for a fact. Yeah, I do. You ever think about the desks in school? How fucked those were? The desk with the chair attached to it?

Those had to be a bitch for people that were a little, like, bigger. You know? Your buddy. That's like King of the Hill. That's huge. How the fuck did they sit in there? Imagine sitting in that chair, bro. If I was in high school today, I'd be like, um, I have a special condition where I don't need a desk and I'm just going to squat on the vent in the back. That's how I learned the best. Holy, imagine sitting with both feet on the ground in that desk and paying attention.

The amount of issues and problems that would go through my head during the day. I'd be like, I can't be here, bye. Imagine being in high school now. Like if they were like All adults Age 25 and up Have to go to high school for a month I'd be like No! Maybe the bad kids in high school

That always skipped and did other shit Like maybe Maybe they were the real ones Hashtag Things I misjudge Hashtag things I misjudge. Always, always napkins. It's always that fast food plus napkins for sure.

I grab like 25. I even do that now at the restaurant. When the table's like, can we have some napkins? I'm like, yeah, sure. And I bring them like our whole inventory of napkins. And then I'm busting their table. And I'm like, why the fuck do they use all these napkins and then I'm busting their table and I'm like why the fuck do they use all these napkins pigs ketchup dude sauce in general anytime I'm eating something and I have sauce I'm like why do I think I'm gonna eat like two gallons of ketchup every time I have like 10 fries like

so excited for I'm more excited for the ketchup than the fries So I like double up on ketchup And I'm like Then I wash it all down the sink And I'm like I'm wasteful Let's do days Days of the week Wednesday

National Whiskey Sour Day Dude I'm fucked up Whiskey's got me fucked up right now I don't Day Dude I'm fucked up Whiskey's got me fucked up right now I don't know if I'm actually Is it just a thing when you turn 30 you just want whiskey I am that guy now When I go to a bar Like when people are getting drinks and I'm like

They're like what'll it be My first thought every time used to be wine Cause I was like yeah I don't want to be like a piece of shit And get like a bunch of vodka right now It's like Tuesday at 2pm But wine's always a good pick for me but wine at bars is like it tastes like a hangover I'm like oh god what is I don't know about this so now every time I'm like you know whiskey wouldn't be that bad because like I think the reason is because i like drink shit so fast like if i have a mixed drink and it tastes good like it bye it's gone any if it's a any type of vodka lemonade bye

it was fun nice knowing you before it even get like if it's a if it's pink like so you fucking kidding me? I get whiskey because it tastes so bad. And it takes me four weeks to drink it. So I look like a normal human when I'm like socializing with people. Vodka lemonade? I'll drink 17 of those. One glass of whiskey?

It'll take me three hours to drink Maybe On the rocks So if anybody gets on the rocks that you hang out with It's because they're straight savage drinkers And I'm not talking about with alcohol They're just straight savages With like food and drink intake My homies that eat their food In like eight seconds

That's who I'm talking about My dad used to be like you said just you eat so fast just enjoy it just slow down and enjoy it he used to say it like that too so it would make me want to fucking eat like a goddamn robot enjoy it that's how I enjoy food In 8 seconds And I chew it twice And I kind of throw it up a little bit for the rest of the day Because I only chew it twice and I eat so fast But my stomach's cool

My stomach's cool with it We know now My body's like he's going to eat this in one second National second hand wardrobe day I got a second hand wardrobe on me at all times. Anytime I'm wearing a white shirt, just know that I have a different shirt in my car. Keep that thing on me.

You ever force a fit and you're like, I don't even feel right. Or you ever wearing something too cool on like a Wednesday, a Wednesday you're like wearing like some Friday shit and you're like what am I doing I can't believe I just fucking puts people are gonna think it's my fucking birthday or something why am I in this good of a mood today I'm not but I'm portraying my feelings like I am what the fuck am I doing there's Monday through Thursday clothes and there's Friday Saturday clothes then on Sunday you're back to Monday through Thursday clothes but your Friday's Friday, Saturday clothes. Then on Sunday, you're back to Monday through Thursday clothes.

But your Friday and Saturday fits, if you wear those any other day, you're spazzing, dude. Chill. Thursday. National Dog Day. Toot toot toot. Toot toot toot toot. When people are so eager to pet other people's dogs. Can I pet your dog?

Please. They look at you like you're the beholder of of the key to life can I please pet your dog please um I yeah sure I mean it's just a normal ass dog it's not like some fucking precious ass bitch oh my god

what's his or her name uh it's Oh my god. What's his or her name? Uh, it's Trixie. Oh my god, it's so fucking cute! Oh my god. Precious little fucking thing. Oh. God, it's so soft soft how do you do it you're like um i just yeah i just every now and then i just you know put conditioner on the same conditioner i use for my

hair oh god i love this dog. Oh, so cute. What breed is it? Then you're like, holy fucking shit. It's a Cocker Spaniel Poodle mix. Oh, my God. I thought so. My aunt has one of those. Mmm.

Oh. Mmm. Excuse me, ma'am. Dude, people are so fucking crazy about dogs. The amount of times I've seen that living by a Starbucks. Jesus Christ. There's more dogs at the Starbucks where I live than people. Swear to God. Every Saturday morning.

Oh, let the dogs out! Oh! Friday. National Just Because Day. Vague. Just because. What do I always do just because something I do just because

waste time bro I'm the goddamn general administrative assistant ceo of all affirmative actions in wasting time that's my that should be my title on linkedin holy shit bro even if i have shit to do like my brain's like don't do it if i had like a if we took like timed tests now as an adult, I would wait until the last three seconds and be like, This wasn't for me. Or I'd get it all done somehow. It's always like that. I'll wait until the last fucking one minute. National Chop Suey Day.

What the fuck is Chop Suey? Besides like a cartoon reference. I'm going to turn you into chop suey. Chop suey. Chop suey is a dish in American Chinese cuisine and other forms of overseas Chinese cuisine consisting of meat and eggs cooked quickly with vegetables such as bean sprouts,

cabbage, celery, bound in a starch thickened sauce I thought I was gonna drill that but I fucked up the word starch. I don't know if I could do chop suey. Eggs and meat. Chop suey. Yeah, I don't know bro I can't I am such a bitch

I can't really get into Everybody's like Have you had Chinese food? I don't really like Chinese food Maybe because it's still like foreign Maybe because there's not like a Taco Bell of Chinese food You know

What would that be? Panda Express or something? Never been to Panda Express. Chinese fast food. Is there a Chinese fast food place? Panda Express. I've never been there, bro. I don't know.

I bet Chinese people Make fun of us so much For having a fucking Fast food restaurant Called Panda Express That's like if we went to China And they had an American food Fast food place called like

Baseball Now Just the most American thing and like fast you're out they're probably like the whole bond express the funny americana they don't know shit baseball Serving macaroni. All right. That's shot 173. Espresso podcast with Ben Polizzi. Thanks for listening. There's going to be another podcast coming out this week.

There's a bonus pod coming out this week. For the fam only. For the real fam, on my Patreon. Subscribe at Benedict Polizzi on Patreon. It's going to be wild. It's going to be fun. You already know how it goes down, but we're going to do two a week now, one on the Patreon, one on the main thing. You remember to follow on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Cameo, all that Benedict Polizzi.

But yeah, thanks for listening. Thanks for coming out to the shows, following, liking, commenting. I love it, man. I'm having so much fun. I had one of the best days the other day because it just felt like things were coming together, man. And you guys are a big part of that. So thank you so much. You guys don't know how much it means to listen to this podcast and follow and all that kind of stuff

it's the dream and we're gonna keep going baby alright I'll talk to you guys next week but for the fam I'll talk to you in a couple days thanks for everything bye fam about to cry couple days. Thanks for everything.

I have to cry.