Espresso - fudge brownies & notecards

Episode Date: December 7, 2023

on this ep benny realizes he's the gayest man in hollywood🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡𝗡𝗬'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦 Indianapolis, IN 12/21 https://indianapolis.heliumcomedy.com/shows/243939🌴 WATCH BENNY ON FBOY ISLAND SEASON 3 STREAMING ON THE CW🧢 "𝗙𝗕𝗢𝗬" 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝟮𝟱% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/👀 𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://youtu.be/xxQ75QbyHHY

Ask Me Anything, episodes 8 and 9 of FYI on season 3. Here we go. So, is your rhythm really that bad? Oh, Espresso Podcast shot 292. I'm your Uber driver who keeps the car 9,000 degrees and misses your street twice. What's up, fam? Oh my God. We're in LA. We're kind of nervous. We're kind of scared and we're not as sick anymore. He said it. He's not as sick. He said it. He's confident in the way he said it, and he thinks he's not as sick. But time will tell. But remember, guys, show's coming up. Indianapolis, first show's sold out. Are you serious?

First show's sold out. 8 o'clock, December 21st at Helium, sold out. We're adding a second show. I never thought I'd say this in my life, dude. This is the best announcement of all time. Second show at Helium. It starts at 1030. Get your tickets in the description of the pod and on Instagram and all that stuff. Benedictpolizzi.com. Merch is 25% off. I feel like I'm screaming. Am I screaming? I think I'm kind of screaming. Merch is 25% off. Benedictmerch.com. We got Kiss Me Every Day, Crewnecks,

Hoodies. It's a sexy design. I'm with it. And we've got hats. Use code FBOY at checkout. And your boy's in the finals? Your boy's in the finals? Yeah, mommy made it to the finals on

FBOY Island. Watch on the CW every Friday. This Friday, 9 o'clock, finale. Crazy life, dude. Crazy life. 9 o'clock. If you don't have cable, then watch it the next day on the app for free. And I think there's one more announcement, and then we can just talk. Patreon.

Join the Patreon. Remember, I'm dropping a podcast every other week on Patreon like this one. And yeah, it's only $5 every month and you get a live stream at the end of the week. So why wouldn't you just help your girl out? Remember to join the Patreon, get your merch, come to the show. We're going to have more shows around the country. Sounds amazing. I love you guys man thanks for rocking with me because I couldn't do this without you um so f-boy island season three I'm in the finale was I so scared that Marco was gonna beat me and I was gonna get sent home early I kind of like I kind of knew deep down.

I was like, I don't even think he wants to be here. Because at the end of the show, Marco was like, dog, I don't even really like, I'm just kind of here to be an idiot now. And I was like, I like that. I like that attitude. And you could kind of see him like start to like not care and start to be funny during the mansplain in the last episode like i don't know he and he was uh he was he was sticking up for me so shout out to marco for

that um and everybody else too kind of they're coming at me a little bit he coughs again he's he's still sick he lied he's a liar and he's sick they They're kind of coming at me at the mansplain, but was I proud of myself? Was I giving it back to him? A little bit. I think it's because of the shirt I was wearing, that Zara joint. It was that Zara Miami joint. I'm telling you, if I'm wearing something good, it'll change my whole entire attitude. But if like it. But if I'm wearing something bad, yo, I'm such a little bitch. I've been such a bitch today. It's not because of what I'm wearing. I've just been such a little cunt. Woke up late, not late, dude. I've just, I've been going to bed so early in LA. And I don't know if it's because like, I can't stand it or like, I'm, I'm not used

to the time change, but once it, once 10 o'clock rolls around, I'm like, you know what? I'm just, that's it for me. I don't do shit. And I told you guys this before, but like, bro, I don't do, I don't give a fuck about LA. There's nothing that I care less about than LA. Who gives a shit, man? Everything is the exact same as where it is everywhere else. There's no like, oh my God. It's just a dumb ass place where everybody is. And it's all the same.

But I've been such a bitch today woke up late i was supposed to work out at eight o'clock some some shit happened this the show got sold out got to had to order merch for the show i know this this sounds like a bunch of like uh like uh first world problems but like it kind of is too but but it's just, there's constantly so much shit to do. And, um, so I finally get to LA fitness. This could be low key cringe moment of the week, but I'm just, I walk into LA fitness and you know, right when you walk into a gym, you're just like super overwhelmed. Like I know what, what workouts I have to do, but I'm like, what the fuck? And I just grab one of those benches that like has wheels on it. And I'm like, I'm taking this to wherever I need to take it. And I'm getting my

shit done. I lift it up and start wheeling it away. Two girls were using that. What the fuck? Yeah. What the fuck? I was like, Oh my God. Strike one. But I had a scream workout. I didn't care. It was like noon. It was hot. It's so hot. I couldn't take it anymore.

Every single rep I did. Just thinking of everything I hate. But yeah, I've been kind of a bitch today. So I'm sorry if it shows on the pod. I'm getting less sick but um we're in the finale f boy island and uh the question of the week espresso question of the week ask me anything episodes eight and nine of f boy on season three here we go so is your rhythm really that bad because obviously your entire existence is to be funny but oh my god sir if that was for real take dance classes please and thank you and that was the realest thing i just wasn't trying you know i was like i don't want to try

and like i was just like going with the flow yeah it was bad it was bad i know it was bad yeah that's as much rhythm as I have. Yep. Sergeant Smooth has entered the chat. Sorry, ladies. That's what you're getting. That's what you're getting when the lights turn off. That's it. It really did look like I didn't know where I was too, huh?

But like in the moment I was like, I am killing this. There's so many more examples of me having super bad like rhythm too during F1 that they're not showing. And I'm so grateful. But yeah, dog, that's just it. I'm not a good dancer. I don't know, bro. I just, who cares? I don't know. I just want to, good day. I don't know, bro. I just, who cares? I don't know. I just want to, ah, I don't, I don't have any excuse. Like my natural rhythm is just not there. I don't care. That's it. This is gonna, this is gonna be, this is really unfortunate, but a cringe moment of the week. of the week. That was the only voice message this time because the link is broken that I sent out 45 times. Dude, I sent out the link on Sunday night, like, all right, let's get it. Here they come. Here come the voice messages rolling in. Not one. I was like zero people. That's crazy. not one. I was like zero people. That's crazy. The next day, not, not one. I was like, people really didn't watch it. Huh? Then I sent, I desperation sent a, like a story out today.

And I was like, leave a voice message. Zero people. I was like, this is not okay. The only reason shy left a voice. Ooh, i shouldn't have said that she's anonymous she's anonymous the only reason she left a voice message was because uh she left it on instagram damn cut that part out but uh yeah she left it on instagram that's the only reason we have that but yeah that's pretty much it from f boy island am i proud of him in the finale yes um did i care a lot less this year because i'm an f boy and i'm kind of just like going with the flow i'm trying to i gotta i gotta i got a lot of ground to make up because i'm an f boy but like it really shouldn't matter that much

because i think i'm the exact same guy I was last year um except for less rhythm somehow actually I didn't have a lot of rhythm last year either because they showed another dance clip last year how about this show just exposing every single thing I do I guess that's like part of my, that's like part of me though. Like everything I do is embarrassing and cringe. Like, have you ever really thought about that? Everything I've ever done is like, oh God. And it's just, it is what it is. On TV, on the internet, everything sucks. And he's still kind of sick.

But we'll redeem our FBoy Island stuff after the finale. Deal? Deal. And if you don't like that deal, it's too bad because we have zero voice messages. And I'm sorry. Still sick. Dear Diary. I think I'm the gayest man in Hollywood.

It dawned on me the other day. I was like, there's no way, but I think it is. I walked into LA fitness on Hollywood Boulevard shorts, like rolled up into my compression shorts. Cause that's just how I do it. Even, even when I'm like, it started like five years ago. I just don't like wearing saggy ass shit. So I, I put, I roll my shorts into my compression shorts. I wear a crop top hoodie because that's just part of the game. I like it.

And I walk to LA Fitness. I walk into LA Fitness and the gays all look at me and I'm like, damn. I am that girl. I-T-G-R-I-L. I am that girl. I-T-G-R-I-L. I am that girl.

Whatever, though. And I got, I think I got sexually harassed in the bathroom. Yep. I'm doing like a workout on the cable machine. This guy goes, I thought you just had really short shorts on. And I was like, you know what? I might as well. Cause I'm embarrassed and nervous. And I don't know what to say. And I think he was hitting on me, but like his boyfriend was right there. And I was like, this is weird, but you're right. They do look short, but we're working out, you know,

you should be able to work out without a shirt on. I think if you really want to, I mean, we're just, it's no rules when you work out, it's nothing matters. And then it all goes back to the golden rule of working out. Don't talk to anyone. Unless you're like, how many, how many sets do you have left? That's the only thing you can say in the gym. How many sets do you have left? That's the only thing you can say in the gym.

How many sets do you have left? That's it. Are you using these clips? But yeah, he's like, your shirts are so short. And I was like, I mean, yeah, they are. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, they are. Immediately started doing the workout again because I was so scared and nervous. Saw him again in the bathroom because I washed my hands.

Can't stand having dirty hands. They're always dirty. My hands probably smell like shit right now. Went to the bathroom to wash my hands. He's there. I'm like, oh, God, here we go. He goes, I'm washing my hands, you know, just in my own zone, pretending that he's not next to me, pretending I forgot who he was. He goes, you're a very sexy man and walked off to the steam room. I was like,

maybe my day isn't so bad after all. I am being on such a little bitch today. And that, that did, that did kind of, it ramped it up a little bit. I was like, all right, that's, you know what? That's not too bad. Cause it does feel good, man. When a dude that's obviously gay and taking care of himself and has great hair, nice teeth, great hair, nice teeth, working out, pride and respect. Gives you a compliment. You're like, you know what? Things could be a lot worse. Anyway, I'll be going to LA Fitness at the same time tomorrow. But yeah, that's, uh, that's dear diary, uh, show and tell. This is a very sped up episode and I'm not mad about it. Hey, we sometimes, sometimes you just got to take an L and move on. I could have postponed the podcast,

tried to fix a link. It would have taken a day, but like, sometimes you just got to take an L this week. We're taking it now. We'll be, we'll be back full force next week, but like, this is fine. This is fine. Show and tell. I have cough medicine. Yep. He did it. He did it. This guy went to the, felt sick for 14 years and went to the doctor. When's the last time a guy has gone to the doctor? I can't tell you. When's the last time a guy has taken action when he's sick? Made a doctor, actually I didn't, that's why I went to the doctor because I didn't even make an appointment. That's the, that's the roughest part of anything for guys, is making an appointment. Guys just think everything's a barbershop. We're just like, yeah, we can just walk in and then get it done, right? And thankfully,

there's doctor offices now that you can just walk in, because that's the only way I'm going to the doctor. Remember when my eye was all fucked up? I just walked into a doctor and they were like, yeah, here's what you need to take and you'll be good. It took like 30 minutes and everything was free. I was like, how the fuck is this real? There's no way any of this makes sense, but I'm coughing all my mucus up on the way. but I'm coughing my, my, all my mucus up on the way. I go to the Franciscan emergency center or whatever. It's not even like, it's the most low key place ever. It looks like it used to be like a bank. It's like that size of a building. Pull up, walk in, do the head nurse. That's like behind the desk, like taking care of a couple

things at once just goes like this. Points at the sign in tablet. I'm like, okay. Put all my information in. Takes like one minute. I sit there in the waiting room. I'm just watching like the Santa Claus. It's the best morning of my life. I'm just wearing workout clothes. I'm just like on my way. It's just like an errand I'm running. I'm going, I'm at the doctor. They're like, Benedict. I'm like, okay, here we go.

Can't believe this is working. I go into the room. She's like, have you had anything to eat today? Do you smoke? I'm like, I don't smoke. Which I, the pride I have. Do you smoke? I'm like, nope. How about that shit? First guy today, huh? I always think I'm the first person that doesn't smoke any tobacco. I'm like, no ma'am. But I probably have secondhand vape because every single person I know vapes and I'm around them all

the time I might as well just have cancer from vape from secondhand vape how'd he die secondhand vape peach mango vape voice cracked because he's still sick she goes have you had anything to eat today I go just two coffees and a hair pill. And I swear to God, the lady goes, oh, I was like, can you do that as a doctor? Can you do that? She goes, oh, I was like, I know I don't eat anything until 4 p.m. every single day. Sorry. She's like, yeah, that's probably why you're sick. You dumb ass. she's like yeah that's probably why you're sick you dumbass checks all my levels boom just like i'm a jeep cherokee checked all topped off all the fluids sent my happy ass into the other doctor's room the doctor came in and just gave me the fucking

business she's like you definitely have bronchitis. Uh, duh. Uh, take this, take that. And when they run out, take, uh, this Jesus Christ. And I was like, okay. And she goes, all right, cool. Bye. Okay. And then they, this is so stupid, but they sent my prescription. They're like, where do you want us to send the prescription? I was just to just to the closest cvs i walk out of the doctor's office the lady at the receptionist desk is like okay um they're ready in caramel whenever and i was like caramel that's fucking 45 minutes away from where i am then i go to this then i go to cvs and i'm like i'm trying to get my prescription like transferred here because i don't want to go up to caramel and she's like we're really busy right now so it'd probably be

quicker if you just went to Carmel and I was like I guess I don't have a choice all right bye best trip of my life because I was drunk on coffee um the pills did absolutely nothing and now I think these are working. So show and tell he's kind of not sick anymore, but still is sick. Also rewind to when I found a stray cat in a Goodwill parking lot, like two months ago. And then I, I gave it to the bar, like, like, okay. I was doing a show at a bar, parked my car at Goodwill. Some guy dropped off his cat at Goodwill in front of my car,

and I was like, this is my cat now. Guy just pulls off. I'm like, this is my cat. I don't know what to do. The cat's really chill. I bring it back into the bar because the girl working behind the bar is like an animal rescue girl. And I'm like, all right, bet this is perfect.

So last week I go back to that bar to do a con to do standup. Cause they like have a thing every couple of days. They have a show pull up at the bar and I'm like, open the, kick open the door. I'm like open the kick open the door I'm like where's my cat she's like oh my god you'll never guess I go what it left no she's like she lit the cat lives here now but she has a boyfriend I'm like what I've never been more heartbroken in my life. I was like, I thought I was her boyfriend, but whatever.

I almost said that out loud. She's like, she lives in the back, like where they actually brew the beer and shit. It's just big, this big like warehouse thing. I go back there. These two cats are just sitting on a chair,

like having a conversation, drinking tea and shit. I'm like, what? So I save you. I bring you to this, to this bar where you live now. I come to check up on you like a dad coming back from the military. And you're just sitting here getting

railed all night and day by God knows who over here. Then I try to like pick her up and take a picture with her. She's like, she's so strong. Strongest cat ever. I was like, am I holding a snake right now? God dang. Anyway, I said, what's up? Guess she's moved on.

So upset. So upset about it but yeah um she's alive i saved a cat is what i'm trying to say she doesn't like me anymore but i saved a cat uh let's do days of the week days of the week now i feel bad that I couldn't get all these FY Island questions in here. I feel like I let the fam down a little bit. I'm sorry. It be like that sometimes, and I'll get it right next time. Damn.

But we answered a lot of FY Island questions on the live stream this past sunday so if you need your f y island fix if you need your bts watch that live stream from last sunday there's a lot of good shit on there people were like why is everybody so obsessed with jared i'm like uh i don't know he's just cool as fucking hot who's not obsessed with a cool hot guy i know i am cool hot guys can do whatever they want i'm like yeah i still rock with them though why do i dance like that i just do man i just don't know i thought i kind of had it too i was like i'm was like, I'm part of the gang. I'm with the guys. They like me. I'm dancing with them. I'm dancing like them. Part of the time I was dancing during that,

where's our girls? I was like, I'm dancing better than these guys. That's what I thought in my head. And he's delusional. He's 33, and he's lost his mind. Let's see, days of the week. Days of the week. Thursday. Today. Today. National Slime Day.

And I know what you're thinking, and I know what I'm thinking. God damn, the way I just want to get slimed all the time. By that green Nickelodeon. Do you think that's cold? God, what a great marketing scheme that is. Slime? It was such a bigger thing when we were growing up than it is now.

Like every Nickelodeon show growing up had slime involved in it some way, somehow. And every time it came, dude, it came out of the ceiling like 40 feet in the air. Sometimes it was like an incredibly large amount and you're like, God damn, that really fucked them up. You think they even knew? Like, yo, bro, you're getting slimed today. Damn it. I'm thinking of the show Figure It Out. I watched Figure It Out. I think I watched every single Figure it out episode that there was and i've never figured anything out in my life because of it imagine figuring something out how like what a great feeling it is when you just figure something out you're like yes it's it never it happens like once every 10 days for me like i'll do something and it actually works

like it was the last so i moved out of my apartment which is sad like it's it's just it's just there so many holes in the walls bro so many holes in the walls in my apartment my apartment might have 95 holes in the wall, bro. So many holes in the walls in my apartment. My apartment might have 95 holes in the wall. Cause like when I was hanging up that, that moss on my walls in my apartment, I was just, cause you couldn't see, you couldn't see like nails going in the wall behind the moss. So I was just willy nilly putting holes in the wall. willy-nilly putting holes in the wall. And as I was like moving out, moving out, my fucking smoke detector went off.

Every two seconds. Let's see if I can make the noise. Kind of close. It's more like a cricket though. And I was holy shit this would happen right now like in the midst of moving out all this shit moving out is the hardest thing i've ever done in my life and in every 13 seconds so i gotta change the battery in this thing. I rip it off of the wall. I see the battery. That's like, there's no way this is out of battery.

No fucking way. The batteries actually run out or what are we doing here? I have another battery in my junk drawer. That I don't even know if it has juice in it either, but I'm like, whatever. We'll try it. Swap the battery, fucking plug it in. I'm like whatever we'll try it swap the battery fucking plug it in i'm like i don't know which way this is like is it is this the right way that it goes in i don't know click it back in dead quiet smoke detector i'm like did i just actually do something

liberating moment but how about moving out like it just never ends right when you think you're done moving out. You're like, ah, fuck the silverware drawer. Then you do that and you're like, ah, fuck the coffee maker. Like, it's just like the amount of things I threw down my trash that like was probably borderline illegal. I should have gone to jail. line illegal. I should have gone to jail. I probably threw like 13 pounds of glass down. Sorry. Sorry, landlord. If you're subscribed to my Patreon, that's just how it goes, babe. I will throw anything down a trash chute. Like, like part of me was like, of course was like, fam only. I was like, I could throw a body down. I could throw a body down the trash chute and

nobody would know ever who's looking. I think, I think everybody in their entire life, this is like a rite of passage to living. Everybody at some point has thrown their keys or their phone or their wallet down the trash chute. And you're just like, yep, I deserve that. You have to, you have to, to live. You have to throw your keys or your wallet or your phone down. Okay. I'll stop. I'll stop bitching about moving. But last thing I got to say, last thing I got to say, this is crazy to me. This is the craziest thing that's ever happened in my life. I think I'm exaggerating. Obviously craziest thing that's ever happened in my life.

I unhook my wifi and I tell the guy, I'm like, yo dude, I'm moving. I'm done. Um, disconnect this thing. And he's like, all right, cool. Uh, before you do that, um, what if we cut your price in half? And I'm like, shut up. So I could have said this like a week into the, into my subscription. I could have acted like I was going to cancel my wifi and you guys would have split the bill in half. Fam info only call up spectrum or whoever you get your wifi from right now and be like, I'm leaving, disconnect it and get, get your bill half off. If I do anything for you, this pot, that there you go. That makes up for the FYI on questions and like deep down, low key, I think you guys are sick of FYI questions anyway. So maybe this is a relief.

I don't know. Leave your feedback. But if I can do anything to make it up, tell your Wi-Fi, tell your cable service that you want to disconnect and they'll split that shit in half. Because that pissed me off. I was like, what? So I could have been paying $30 this whole time. I was like, no, disconnect it. And they're like, okay, whatever. It's done. You're good. It's over.

It'll shut off at midnight. I was like, all right, good, cool. And they go, Hey, one more thing I was like, all right, good, cool. And they go, Hey, one more thing tomorrow, bring the box back to one of our stores or come to UPS and ship it to our store. I was like, just the nerve you have to do all this in one phone call is just fucking amazing to me. Cancel the wifi. I don't want to pay it anymore. Okay. We'll split your bill in half. Fuck you. Oh, you don't want to do that? Okay. Bring our fucking box back to our store. God damn. There's no way you guys really just said that. And of course my fucking U S citizen soldier captain wifi at brings the box back to the store the next day. I'm like, what is this? What is this good for? What are you going to do with this? This old ass technology? What are you going to do with it?

I swear they just do that to fuck with you. There's no way they're using that again. Imagine if you walked into a UPS and shipped it to the spec. Oh my. If I walked into a UPS with a spectrum wifi box, I would throw it against the wall and walk back out. Jesus Christ. All right, let's keep going. National Illinois Day. What do we think about Chicago? Do we like it? I don't mind it. I don't mind it, but it is people that are from Chicago won't shut the fuck up about it. I guess people that are from everywhere won't shut up about it. LA, Miami, Chicago, New York.

I'm like, guys, just... Just keep it to yourself. Chicago always feels like they have something to prove. I'm like, guys, we don't care. Okay, we know you got pride michael fucking jordan you die your river green hot dogs it's not bad though i guess it's like it's like the the the most tolerable big city you're're like, all right, Chicago, yeah. They're nice, but it's like the highest crime rate too.

It doesn't make any sense. Everybody in the Midwest is so nice and cheerful. Come to Chicago. Come to Chicago. God damn, are you sure about that? Aviation Day. god damn are you sure about that aviation day i know i got this cough from being in a plane that it just had to happen but uh i was about to board the flight to come to la and the lady over the loudspeaker was like hey uh I was about to board the flight to come to LA.

And the lady over the loudspeaker was like, hey, there's 70 open seats on this flight. 70. Like she said it like this, 70 open seats on this flight. So get comfy. We're sleeping the whole way there i was like no way did i i've like i i guess like people are loosening up at like at airports because it used to seem real tense but now they're joking around and shit and i'm getting a little nervous that they're like not on top of their stuff but god damn i slept that whole dude i i

walked my ass every single flight i've ever been on i walk my ass all the way to the back all the way to the back last seat four hours dead asleep best four hours of my life and i always have all these plans to like work on stuff, but nah, my ass is going right to sleep. Cotton candy day. Cotton candy might be the most gimmicky ass, like sweet treat ever. Time for a sweet treat.

Time for a sweet treat. What'll it be? what'll it be what'll it be it looks so good when they're they're whipping that shit around like a basketball game you ever go to like an nba game and they're just there's just whoever gets on the cotton candy snack like that's that's what i would want to do. If you're a vendor at an NBA game, it's always like beer. Who wants beer? You probably make a lot of money for beer, but like put me on cotton candy duty. Actually, you know what? Put me on snow cone duty. What a, what a just, I feel like that guy is even like the sweetest guy ever who has the cotton candy you know cotton candy guy at a basketball game cotton candy what is it like seven dollars

seven dollars cotton candy he's like you look great today oh nice posture oh wow i bet you call your mom just to check in don't you nice hair oh great shoes man oh excuse me like he's just like the nicest guy ever then you can fucking you turn your head to the left to the beer guy he's like call me just fucking screaming never want to talk to the beer guy i'm actually super scared to get a beer from the guy. I don't think I've ever done that. I'm like, you're going to yell at me. And when you order a beer,

they have to pass it down the entire row, just in nine people's hands before yours. I'm like, you guys could have just sipped out of this thing if you really wanted to. A cup of beer, just going through nine people all shaky and shit put me on cotton candy duty friday crossword puzzle solvers day now that is one thing that I, I just can't, maybe I'm just an idiot. You ever think that? I think I'm just stupid. I can't do like 50% of things. Crossword puzzles, so hard. I'm like,

this could be anything. This could be anything. But you know what I could do though? But you know what I could do though? A word search. Put me on the word search. It always be like that. Like when your teacher didn't want to teach you anything in school in like fourth grade. Pass out the crossword puzzle. Flip it over.

There's a word search. Bro, I could fuck up a word search. Because I do that thing where like you kind of go cross-eyed and look at your paper and you can like see four words right out of the gate I'm like I already got four then there's a like a real long one on the bottom and you're like wow it's like backwards word searches hit I miss a good word search because everything's already there it's like part of my ADHD. I'm like,

everything has to be out there. That's like the telltale sign for ADHD. Everything has to be spread out in front of me. If I'm working on something, the ground is just covered in shit, not shit, but like notebook here, fucking computer there. Nope.

Another notebook here, a piece of paper there, like a parking ticket up here, fucking a light over there, a pillow back to just everything I need has to be all over the floor. I don't know how people like work in a clean environment. I was like, I need to see everything at once because I'm stupid. I'm a word search guy. Salesperson day. Everybody's a salesman.

Yeah, except me. God damn. Come on. Everybody's a salesman, yeah, except me, god damn, come on, everybody's a salesman deep down, no, I don't want it, sorry, not me, can't do it, trying to think of the stupidest thing I've ever had to sell before. Probably insoles and shoes. Bro, that was a tough one for me. I'll do a lot of things that my heart isn't into. But selling insoles to people, I was like, this just seems dirty. My boss would be like, where's your insole sales?

You need to sell three insoles today. I was like, bro, what? Who the fuck is buying insoles? Insoles? That's the last thing I think about ever is insoles. Can't do it.

Cannot do it. How many times did I sell stuff door to door? How come that's like half of the things I remember in my life is selling shit door to door, bro. I had to go to every house in every neighborhood, probably in the city of Greenwood and ask them if they needed their house painted. It is kind of hard to turn somebody down when they come to your door though like one time i was just at my dad's just doing nothing my dad's house is just it's barely even it's barely even a thing anymore i'm just there filming a video or some shit some guy rings the doorbell bro and i'm in the middle of like doing one of those interview

videos where like i'm dressed up as an interviewer and then i'm interviewing like an only fans girl or something remember when those were going crazy those interview videos oh i was whipping those out like once a week and getting like canceled on instagram because they were always kind of bad like not bad i mean they were they were all some of them. Like not bad. I mean, they were all, some of them hit, but some weren't great. And then some were like towing the line of being inappropriate. I think I was dressed up as an OnlyFans girl with like fake tattoos on the back of my thighs, fake boobs, like short shorts, like a tank top. Like I probably looked hot in this motherfucking kid rang the doorbell with his dad, like a roofing company. And they're looking in the windows and shit. And I'm like, dude, this is just the most uncomfortable cringe moment of the week crazy one time i was dressed as the as a construction

worker so i was doing construction guy interview and um i'm wearing all the construction shit beater i got a cigarette in my mouth i got a helmet on all this shit on the table speedy rewards card big gulp zero bar hot dog just the most dude my dad walks in like he just has to be like what the fuck is he on at every moment i'm just like yeah man i just looked at him and I'm like, hey, I'm a little busy. It was like 9, 18 PM on a Tuesday. I was like, I'll be out of here soon. Nothing compares to when he came in the driveway. He fucking drove in the driveway while I was wearing an entire women's wedding gown.

an entire women's wedding gown. So sweaty. And I'm in my car recording some shit. He drives in the driveway. I'm like, is that my fucking dad? Dude, I get out of the car so fast and run inside in a wedding dress. You know how girls like brides hold their dress when they're running?

I was doing that into the house. Holy shit, Never forget national brownie day. Yep. I sort of got national brownie days on here every single time, but, um, yeah, if I could create a brownie right now, you know what? Forget it. I just want a pan of fudge round. That's what I want. That's the OG brownie. Actually, the OG brownie is not the cosmic brownie. It's the brownie with the nuts on it. For some reason, there's a place in my heart for that one because the the brownie with the nuts on it for some reason i got there's a place in my heart for that one because the cosmic brownie gets all the love because it has colors and it's called the cosmic brownie but that one brownie that they sell that little little debbie sells with the with the chopped up nuts on it what is that called i'd try to look it up but the wi-fi in here is so trash

okay and he just dropped everything I'd try to look it up, but the Wi-Fi in here is so trash. Okay, and he just dropped everything. Is it called like nut, nut, fudge nut? God, that sounds so bad. Fudge nut brownie. God damn it. Sorry, this is taking forever. And I know you guys are on like thinking about it right now. And you're like, dude, it's called this. Oh, it's just called fudge brownie. Yeah. Fudge brownie. The fudge brownie holds a place in my heart because I know. That was like my intro brownie.

That was my intro Little Debbie snack because, you know, you ask your mom for Little Debbie shit every time you go to the store and she's like, no. And you're like. Then finally she says yes, but you get like the intro Little Debbie snack. You can't go crazy immediately and get like the intro Little Debbie snack. You can't go crazy immediately and get like the, your first Little Debbie snacks, like the Swiss cake rolls, you're getting the fudge brownie, maybe the fudge round, those three.

But the first time you get Little Debbie snacks, you're not getting a zebra cake. Jesus Christ. But the first time you get Little Debbie snacks, you're not getting a zebra cake. Jesus Christ. No, sir. A strawberry shortcake? A nutty bar?

Who do you think you are? The president of the United States? That wet fudge brownie. You know what I mean. You take it out of that silky-ass package, that plastic rips, it's the smoothest rip of all time. Smoother than wrapping paper on Christmas. That clear Little Debbie plastic.

They make it easy, dude. Because you want it so goddamn bad. You take the brownie out, it's all wet on top oh my god you split the brownie in half it's already like pre-cut you know that little that little line in the middle of the brownie it's like break me here do it do it and if you're a real bad boy, you just take a bite out of it without breaking it. You're like, I don't want to break it.

I like you the way you are. I don't want to, I don't want to hurt you. That's the fudgiest goddamn brownie ever. And then they came out with the cosmic one with the little candies on top. Sometimes I think those candies are going to hurt my teeth. They never do, though. Saturday, Christmas card day.

What a lost art that is. Christmas cards. If I ever had to make a Christmas card. Oh, gosh. You know you're the fakest family of all time if you do a christmas card with your come on guys guys don't you're the you're the last family left if you're still doing that come on now unless you do it at jc penny because that shit shit bangs. I think I'm going to sell those at my show.

Indianapolis Helium, December 21st. I'm going to sell those flyers that I put on Instagram. And I'm not going to make them like, you know what I mean? It's just whatever you want. If you got like a dollar, I'll take it for a dollar. You know what I mean? It's one of those. And I'm only doing this because I want to go to FedEx and print a bunch of them off because

FedEx is just like something about walking into FedEx and it's just like calming to me if I'm ever having a like a bad day like today I was like all worked up and shit I still kind of am I might just go to FedEx later. Just walk into FedEx. The automatic doors slide so early and they're always perfect. The automatic doors at FedEx, nothing like them. You know, sometimes you run into an automatic door that like doesn't sense you till you get right up to the door and you're like, damn, if I was in a hurry, like I would have hit my head on this bitch. Right. When I walk out of my house to go to FedEx, their automatic doors open up. I'm like, thank you. It's always like, it's always cold in there. Not like too cold, but you're like, oh, this is a good work temperature. The people behind the desk know everything about paper. I'm like, yo,

this is insane how much you know about like the sticky paper. And sometimes they don't even charge you for that thicker paper. You're like, yo, I kind of want these on the thicker paper. They're like, I got you. Oh, you're going to give me the card stock for free and then like while you're waiting for the people behind the desk to do something you're like browsing around fedex and you're just looking at all their like calendars and like they have like cards in there you can like send your grandma and you're like damn they've got a they have a lot of nice stuff in here like stuff you could never imagine is in there i'm like why are there like you can

buy like silverware in here fedex is insane every time i leave, I'm like, I kind of want a girlfriend. Because you saw like some shit that was like, I love you, like a balloon. You're like, damn. You ever been in FedEx so long you want a girlfriend after? You're like, shit. Could have made her something creative while I was waiting in there for them to cut my brochure out. They have the best snacks. I've never been so down bad that I bought a snack in FedEx,

but I think about it every time. Every time I'm at FedEx office, FedEx office, I should have been saying that the whole time, damn. Every time I'm in FedEx office, I just marvel at the snack assortment below the counter i'm like i'm drooling and shit they're like sir sir do you want us to put a sleeve around your five by seven cutout i'm like you guys have flips you guys sell flips and they sell like the big tootsie roll they sell badass shit i'm like god i'm coming here before i go to the movie theater you guys have everything sprees sour chewy i'm God damn, this is better than the Marathon gas station.

Best snacks, by the way. Every Marathon gas station, fire snacks. Let's keep going. National Pastry Day. Oh, stop it. Burnt my stomach again. Did I tell you guys that? Oh, my God.

Show and tell. This can't be serious. So I take my shirt off during everything because I'm like I'm going to spill something on it. Now I take my shirt off and I just burn myself. Look at this. That's from making protein Pop-Tarts.

Where's the other one? This is from, I showed you guys this one earlier. This is from air showed you guys this one earlier this is from air frying wings the hell i'm a slob yeah i was i was kind of down bad and i wanted something sexy and my only excuse is to make these protein pop tarts i told you guys like i was really on it like three months ago i was making those like

every day i had to do it again oh they're so fucking good with sprinkles all over them i ate them in 15 seconds so much icing I was a big slob last night. L.A. slob. Couldn't take it anymore. You know what I did? I feel like this isn't recording anymore, is it? Yeah, it is. L.A. slob. What'd the L.A. slob do, huh? What'd he do? He go-puffed four protein bars from 7-Eleven right down the street. Four protein bars from 7-Eleven right down the street. Four protein bars. $26. The guy brought them right to my door.

Never been to... Ate all four and went to bed. The LA slob. A couple more and I'll fuck off national lager day i don't want to jinx myself but dog i haven't had a sip of alcohol in like three or four weeks i just don't have time i just can't i don't know i just don't even want to think about it i don't have any time for any of the frills right now none of the frills baby now. None of the frills, baby. I just want meat and potatoes. Nobel prize day. Dude, my dad is so fucking annoying. He did this, he did this thing the other day. He's like, yo, I got a broadcast tonight. My dad like

brags to me about broadcasting high school football games. Cause I used to do it with him. And he's like, he low-key salty that I quit. And I'm like, dude, I can't just broadcast fucking football games on Friday. You know how much prep that takes? If you listen to these guys, you'll get the whole background story. But my dad is such a fucking brat to work with. I would never in a million years work with his ass. Because I did for a year and I was like,

yo, I might kill myself. Honestly. On the way home from like a Center Grove Lawrence North game, I was like, I might fucking drive off this bridge, man. That's how excruciatingly bad that was. But he's like, yeah, we got a broadcast tonight. We got to crush it because last year we almost won an Emmy. An Emmy Award?

What the? An Emmy. He like won't stop talking about it. He's like, we got to get that Emmy. I'm like, what world do you live in? An Emmy Award? What, are you going to go up to a podium after the high school football game and be like, yep, I just want to say thanks to all our sponsors, Jack's Donuts.

Like shut the, an N, shut up. Doesn't deserve anything. Not that I care or anything. Dewey Decimal System Day. I've talked about this before. I'm not going to get into it, but it's the only thing I care or anything. Dewey decimal system day. I've talked about this before. I'm not going to get into it, but it's the only thing I remember from school or the Dewey decimal system. I fucked up and told my mom one time. She was like on some, my mom never did this to me. That's why I like my mom.

She's like, she never asked me anything that I did in school. She just picked me up from school and be like, yeah, whatever. We just like talked about shit that was on the radio or like, she never asked me anything that I did in school. She just picked me up from school and be like, yeah, whatever. We just like talked about shit that was on the radio or like we like made fun of people. My dad's annoying ass. I would get in the car and he'd be like, how was school? What'd you learn? I was like, shut the fuck up, dude. Oh my God.

Did you hear that? I think I'm going to kill myself. That was crazy. That was the biggest squeak I've ever heard in my ears in my life anyway though my dad would say the most annoying shit in the car after school and i'd be like bro i'm not talking to you about school like you care or i care but one time my mom hit me with it she's like what do you like you you learn anything? Maybe, I don't know if she said it like that. She said it in a more approachable way. And I was like, we got to know the Dewey decimal system. And like at the end of the month or something.

And for some reason, that was like the only thing that she talked to me about for the rest of the month. Immediately, right when I got home, she was like, make note cards, Dewey Decimal System. My mom was a make note cards bitch. Everything in the world. She'd be like, what's your confirmation name? I'd be like, Dominic, I think. She'd be like, make a note card for it. Every single thing.

NFL teams and shit. Where are the Titans from? Tennessee. Make a note card. Everything. I'm like, what are we having for dinner? She's like, chili and garlic bread. She's like, make a note card about it. Every single thing, bro.

So I just went in on the Dewey decimal system and I actually learned it. Every night she was like, she just made me do Dewey decimal system note cards. And like when the quiz came around at the end of the month, of course it like wasn't an official quiz. Finally, I know some shit and I'm prepared. And the teacher's like, ah, we'll just, we'll just go around the room. I don't even know him anymore. But like, bro, she was, I answered every question. Does anybody know E through F? I was like, fiction or whatever the fuck. Nonfiction. Dude, I was just so fucking prepared for the Dewey Decimal System. Could it have a worse name? Fried, bro. Only thing I ever

knew. But man, note cards are great, aren't they? There's a special place in my heart for note cards and fudge brownies Except for when you write something on a note card And you flip it over to put the answer And the lines are upside down And you're like Alright fam Yo

Sorry about the F-boy questions we'll get to it next time but um i love you thanks for joining the patreon for real you guys hold a special special place in my heart along with fudge brownies and note cards but uh yeah i couldn't do anything without you guys, honestly. Thanks for buying tickets to the show in Indies. Thanks for getting merch. Thanks for watching FBoy. It all means so much to me. And I think about you guys all the time.

I really do. I know you're probably like, you know, you just do... Nah, dude. I think about you guys all the time. Every Sunday night, bro. We party. And we're going to this Sunday too. All right, Kiss Club.

Peace.