Espresso - garlic aioli

Episode Date: August 27, 2020

kanye for pres | gimme a KFC bowl so ik it's real | mom vs. dad making PBJ | colts fans | CHICKEN MARSALA

How about you do me a favor? How about you tell all your friends about me? What are you? That's me, literally. How about you do me a favor? How about you tell all your friends about me? What are you? Oh my god!

Oh my god, wait. You're that guy with the podcast. Yeah. Come here, I gotta whisper something to you. How about you do me a favor? How about you tell all your friends about me? What are you? What are you? I'm at benedict friends about me. What are you? What are you?

I'm at benedictpolitea on Instagram. Shot 114. Shot 114. Shot 114. What's up? God, I've always been such a I've always been such a dirty little Bitch for a good intro to a song, you know? Any song that has a good intro

Or any song that's like, has the DJ drop We got London on the track I'm like, nope! I don't care what the song is Restart it ten times We got, we got, we got. And even though it's kind of lame now, but like, Jason Derulo, that was actually kind of tight. It was.

And it was smart on his part, he knew who it was automatically off the rip. He's like, Jason, Jason Derulo. Yep, that's my whole brain. Alright. What's up? Let's talk. Oh, wow. I said that like I just got stabbed in the ass. Oh, no. But if you subscribe to me on Apple podcast, my stuff's going to be back on there, but they're like doing obviously experimenting with it. So you probably got like 10 notifications and there's like 16 copies of podcast, my stuff's going to be back on there, but they're like doing, obviously experimenting with it. So you probably got like 10 notifications and there's like 16 copies of one episode from like a month ago, but don't worry about it, please. They're figuring that out. I got no

control over that, but if it's driving you crazy, I'm sorry, but don't unsubscribe, please. Love ya. But I'll be back on there soon that's a good sign right right what else I uh I changed my twitter name now everything's the same nothing makes me happier than that so my instagram twitter and tiktok are not are null god damn it can i get through one minute in my whole life without stuttering i swear to god i had a stuttering problem when i was a kid bad i couldn't say anything without being like, what's up, Tubi? I think everybody did, maybe.

But sometimes I was like, damn, how did... I was really in my head about that when I was a kid. Like, my friends would just say, like, two sentences, and I'd be like, damn, he didn't stutter once. I would have stuttered, like, four times. What is that? But, yeah, I changed all my social media stuff, and so now it's all consistent. Ah! Nothing makes me happier than everything matching.

Yes, yes, yes. All on the same page. Yes. With our powers combined. I am social media nerd man. Man, man, man, man. I don't know why it took me so long to change my Twitter from Ben Polizzi to Benedict Polizzi. I just didn't know if I wanted to make that jump to Benedict.

Like it's not my actual name. I ran into these people over the weekend and they were like, that's your real name? I thought it was definitely Benjamin. You just said Benedict to be like a joke. I was like, what? People always used to make fun of me because my name was Benedict. I never understood that. But like growing up, people would be like Benedict in like first grade.

And I'd be like, huh, what? It's cooler than your name, dude. Andrew. Benedict Arnold I'd be like what is even anything about that Now you can just call me Dicked And my aunt actually calls me that

Hey Dicked Snacks already Dicked It's a big step man Changing your social media name. Remember when we were younger? All our social media names were just the dumbest shit. And I made all of them. All my friends' Twitter names were just the lamest pun-like things.

Of course, I invented all of them and like talked you into like making that your name. This dude named Connor Ritt. I was like, bro, you should make it Ritt's Crackers. Like that's just one of like 50 that I did. Like convinced him it was cool. I thought it was cool. But now. How about changing your profile picture?

Is that like the most... You know, though. You can't go out on a Saturday and be like, alright, I'm getting a profile picture tonight. I need a new one that bad. Your profile picture chooses you. You just know. You're like, damn, that is it.

That's what I want everyone to see. What a hassle. I change my profile picture once every 19 years. I think about changing my sex more than I think about changing my profile picture. It's not going anywhere. I'm kind of freaked out about people that change it every couple of weeks. You know, there's always some weird girl that'll change her profile picture all the time. And you're like, damn, find an identity.

Or their Twitter name. If you change your Twitter name more than like twice a year, like what the hell? I don't know. But it's all good now. We're good. So Kanye West is going to run for president, but he hasn't like done anything yet. Man, that's such a that's i would definitely do that too be like 2020 this is my year it's like dude you haven't even like registered

i just want to see like what kanye would wear if he was the president that's the only reason i want that's the only reason i want him to win i just want to see like he just steps like into the oval office or whatever with like three fifties on and like your dad's sweatpants. You're like, wait a minute. A big like pillowcase t-shirt. Wait, that's our Prez. Why is he kind of drippy? God, how many old people would hate Kanye West? Jesus Christ. My dad would be like, who's going to respect a guy wearing that stuff? My dad, those are your sweats he's wearing.

You have the same ones on right now. I don't know about this. What's he know? What if he just rapped everything? Yeah. Every time he like addresses the whole country on live TV, he's like, uh. Instead of like, instead of like clearing his throat or like...

My fellow Americans. He just goes up there and he's like... Good morning. We now have an exclusive announcement from our president, Kanye West. Let's go down to the podium at this time, this early time in the day. Mr. President, whenever you're ready. Mr. President, whenever you're ready. Whenever you, go ahead. Whenever you got it. It's your...

It's your stage, Mr.... Go ahead. Whenever you... Go ahead. Good morning. Good morning. Nobody cares what he says. Everybody's just like, all right, yeah, okay.

Good morning. Mr. President, you've said that a few times now. Can you please get to the message? Go ahead. Good morning. God, I knew we made the wrong decision. Go ahead. God! I knew we made the wrong decision. He will not say JJ, but I don't know.

I guess it's just what rappers do. They just don't start talking at all. Everyone. He's spinning. He is spinning. I don't even know what he's saying but i like this just wins the whole country over no no one heard him but it sounded very good that is our president Just doesn't ever talk Just raps every single thing he ever says

For four years Yeah Kanye West Please Ladies and gentlemen Please welcome to the podium The President of the United States Kanye

Yeezy Yeezy Yeezy Yee. Yeezy, yeezy, yeezy. Yeezy, yeezy, why you go so hard? I like the old Kanye, but this is the new Kanye West. Ha! Yeah! Yeah! Uh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh Yeah Uh huh honey

All this drops and shit Our fuel prices are gonna be a lot lower And women will be respected Yeah We all know what to do You just gotta show her And then to this Yeah. We all know what to do. You just gotta show her. And then to this.

After everything he says. Perfect. Perfect. We'll have a lot more jobs and save the planet. And the military uniforms are gonna be real sick. Why? I made that bitch famous. God damn. Swiss pizza's there somewhere. Perfect, perfect, perfect.

Yeah. And he just walks off. Everybody's like, eh. I'm down with that. God, man. My dad would be like, oh, come on. Yeah. Yeah, but that'd be interesting to see, right?

I mean, Gap sales would go through the fucking roof. How about that? I bet they did that to, like, win that demo over, you know? The Gap demo? Like, that's not Yeezy's demo, but now it is. All right, what is Alright What else? What else? Lil Huddy

I can't believe I'm talking about this Why do we care about this? Why do I care about this? Lil Huddy You guys know You guys know TikTok people? Well now you do Lil Huddy

Cheated on Charlie D'Amelio. Is it weird that I'm talking about 15-year-old TikTok people? Or is it because I am a 15-year-old TikTok person? Chase Hudson, Lil Huddy, tried to deny cheating on charlie d'amelio and she shut him the down shut him tf down charlie and chase hudson's breakup just got a whole lot messier but before we get to drama these two announced their split in mid-april appearing to keep things drama free in twinning posts about their remaining friendship. Like that's ever happened, you know?

Like who's ever broken up with somebody and stayed friends? Although I do say that every time I've ever broken up with a girl. We could be friends. They're always like, hmm. Like who would ever want to be friends with somebody after that? Yeah, I'm going to actually tear your heart into pieces, but we can be friends right after. Like I don't like when couples say that they're like hanging out with my best friend and it's like a picture of a married couple. That's your best. That's not your best friend.

If he was your best friend, why don't you slap his ass and throw him in the pool and call him a fat ass? That's what friends do. Mary. Awesome weekend in Texas with my best friend. If that's your best friend. If that's your best friend if that's your best friend why are you sexing everybody have a good fourth of july dude it is so hot oh my god i've never i didn't know i was capable of sweating this much as i have the last like week everything i do i'm like'm like, damn, I'm sweating my ass off.

And I don't give a shit. Like I don't care either at all. My whole face is completely shiny everywhere I go. It looks like I went, you know, that crispy, you ever watched Krispy Kreme donuts get made? It looked like I laid on those rollers and just got up and I was like, time to go to work. Watching those Krispy Kreme donuts get made, though, when you're a kid. I've never been so hypnotized. Those warm ass donuts. Oh! Who can just eat one?

Yeah, but Fourth of July um i worked so sweaty at work oh my god i like i don't even know what we do for fourth of july anymore fourth of july used to be straight party time for my family we'd go to my aunt's and it'd just be i'd like get a new i'd like get new clothes for fourth of july when i was a kid you know when you're that hype i'd like wear like armbands for fourth of july that's when you knew when i was like when something was going down and i was a kid it was like i'd have like a n, like basketball wristband on my forearm. That's like when you knew like, oh shit, something tight's going on. Oh, Ben's got a leg band on. He must be like, he must be spending the night at his friend's house tonight.

It would pop off. Bonfire fireworks. it would pop off bonfire fireworks this year I just went to my dad's and like ate two breadsticks and then went to Kroger and went home that was 4th of July I don't even know if I really said anything to my dad

we definitely weren't like happy 4th I don't know if normal families do that I wouldn't like to be part of a normal family Growing up you know Nobody has like a normal family that you like see on TV Hopefully Cause that'd be crazy Therick love you

Did your parents tell you Good job Or are you normal My parents My family like showed love in different ways Parents tell you good job or are you normal? My parents, my family like showed love in different ways. Like my dad didn't like say, I love you. He just like bought me a KFC bowl. And I'd be like, all right, I get it.

I get it. I feel that. That's more like, I'd rather, I'd rather see that action Than get a An I love you You know I love you It's like okay cool Probably say that to everybody Give me a KFC bowl

Give me a K Give me a KFC bowl So I know it's real Give me a KFC bowl After school So I know it's real Give me a KFC bowl After the JV football game On Monday so I know it's real. Give me a KFC bowl after the JV football game on Monday

so I know it's real. That's what I'm gonna say to my girlfriend. Don't tell me you love me. Don't tell me you love me after our first date. Give me a KFC bowl so I know it's real. She's like, what the fuck? We just ate. I don't really care what you say i know you love me today

y'all you gotta do is one thing and that's for sure just give me that motherfucking kfc ball oh she's like get out of my car i'm not even driving kfc bowls were the shit I was talking about Pop-Tarts the other day to this girl And she was like And I was like what I know all I talk about in this shit is Pop-Tarts But I seriously don't care about anything else

And neither should you But for some reason I'm a I'm a weird ass now with Pop-Tarts And I like blueberry Does that ever just happen to you? When I was a kid I was like blueberry Pop-Tarts Like why bother? And now I'm like I cannot stop

Like even when there's like tighter flavors I'm like I'm just Blueberry's kind of my thing right now So I don't even want to look at these other ones I think it's just because it's like an OG I'm just, blueberries are kind of my thing right now, so I don't even want to look at these other ones. I think it's just because it's like an OG flavor. But anyway, this girl's like warm brown cinnamon sugar. And I was like, oh, God.

Like, you're right, but like, I would say that too if it was like a contest or something, but like, come on. Like, you're right, but you're basic. If you like round, if that's like your first go-to Pop-Tart, like just, you haven't had enough Pop-Tarts. And if you toast Pop-Tarts, you got way too much time on your hands. I'll eat those bitches straight up dry. Actually, I think I prefer it that way. Just raw dogging Pop-Tarts. No maintenance. up dry actually I think I prefer it that way just raw dog and pop tarts no maintenance no drink just breaking them in half I'm starting to break them in half hot dog style now

oh and she was like brown cinnamon sugar pop tarts dipped in milk tastes like my childhood I was like damn tastes like my childhood I was thinking like what tastes I'm trying to figure like what tastes like my childhood and I think it's big k pink lemonade from Kroger and it was in like it was in like can't like coke cans I think that like my parents didn't buy us like soft drinks and stuff growing up just because so we wouldn't drink them later i'm sure it is like unattractive when kids have like coke though you're like sick you little piece of shit it's like a little like like seven year old kid has a coke can you're like are you drunk but yeah it is like kind of a bad look so we didn't do it but we had pink lemonade in those

cans and it was always super cold and i would just i just remember playing outside forever and then just just pop and thank and i would drink i would head all the way. I'd be looking up at the ceiling, just funneling that shit down my throat. And one time my sister watched me do that. Like I would do that by myself all the time. Cause I was so thirsty and I didn't want water. And we had those. I was like, yeah. And the pink lemonade wasn't even that good, but she saw me in her, like, I'll never forget. I put the can, I like, I like, I think I killed it and I stopped and I like wipe my mouth and look at her and she goes, you're a monster.

But just, you're a monster. And I was like okay don't do anything extreme around girls ever again yeah but that's my childhood what's the most psycho thing your parents did when you're a kid that like was it that's it's probably not that weird to you but like if you told someone you'd be like oh fuck i probably shouldn't have said that one time i tweet i tweeted uh when when i like when we did something stupid at dinner my family would be like go eat in the bathroom and like it never really happened but one time i really did do something stupid i forget what i did i think sneezed. Like if we sneezed at the table, it was, we had to like, it was over or like blew my nose. Yeah. Something crazy was happening. I just forgot. And I just

blew my nose and I was like, Oh shit. My dad was like, eat your food in the bathroom. And I was like, and I looked around and nobody else was laughing. I was like put the toity seat down Benny's coming in it's always so weird like returning back to dinner after that you're like hey are we do you guys can you guys like me again

to your own family and they're like obviously like, no. Like the last people to forgive you. I swear to God, man. If I ever said I love you to like one of my sisters, they honestly would have open hand slapped me in the face. Normal families are like, say you love each other each and every day.

Remind, that's what they always used to say that at school. Like remind your parents, tell them you love each other each and every day tell remind that's what always they always used to say that at school like remind your parents tell them you love them if i would have said i loved you to any to my to my mom she would have been like what to my dad he would have been like huh okay actually my dad's like kind of emotionally been like i love you too and then it would have been silent for like 15 minutes. If I would have said it to my sisters, they just would have open hand fucking right in the mouth. Mom, Benny's being annoying again. Seriously, though.

Benefits of wearing a mask. You guys all masked out. Yeah, everybody's wearing a mask now. It's just part of the game it's part of the game yeah but you can really get away with a murder with a mask on I laugh at the shit that I should never laugh if somebody trips it falls and gets stabbed I'm like be on my mask but in real if I'd I'd be like, is she okay? Oh my God. We need to call somebody. Just always talking to myself, man. That's a lifesaver. I'm wearing a mask for the rest of my life. I hate it when people walk past this podcast studio because they look at me like I have 75 dicks on my head. I'm like, what? It's what we're here

for, right? It's like I'm in here naked doing the YMCA. It's like there's not a podcast studio in here or a radio studio. They're like, what the hell?'m like yeah there's a microphone in here and shit not that i care but okay damn i kind of want to talk about some other stuff remember market day okay never mind but if your parents bought stuff from market day you have kids now. Okay. Let's go viral. Viral. Hashtag if I were a food or beverage. Hmm.

I don't have anything crazy for this. I think I might just be I think I might be a PB&J yeah cuz like I don't know it's just it's just like kind of what I what I am you know sometimes the bread might be toasted sometimes you might do something crazy with it sometimes you might put ice cream in it is that a thing yet I might be a. Sometimes you might do something crazy with it. Sometimes you might put ice cream in it. Is that a thing yet? I might be a PB and J. God, I don't think I'm a salad. Nah, I'm not a salad. I'm too hearty for that. Plus croutons, you know, I can't eat croutons cause,

uh, I ate them and then got sick and all I could smell in the throw up was croutons. So that's why I don't, I've got a story like that for like, that's why I don't eat food because like of that, like, uh, you ever throw up? I know this is weird talking about,

it's not weird though. Everybody throws up. You ever throw, like you ever throw up somewhere and know this is weird talking about. It's not weird, though. Everybody throws up. You ever throw up somewhere and you smell it forever? I threw up in my dad's house in the bathroom upstairs, and that was when I was 12, and I smelled it yesterday. I swear to God, I still smell it. It's like a dog when a dog marks his territory. That's how I mark my territory.

I just throw up everywhere. I really did. Oh, man. On like electric boxes, I'd just be like, Bye, lie! God dang it. I think I'd be a PB&J. That's so basic.

Yeah, but maybe. no, it's not, because you eat it every day, and you like it. Like, it doesn't go out of style. I don't go out of style, baby. I got versatility. You can toast me. You can spread me.

You can slap me in your mouth. Yeah, I'd probably say I'm a PB&J. Eh, cut me in your mouth. Yeah, I'd probably say I'm a PB&J. Cut me in a triangle then. Part of me just likes the little cut in the middle sometimes. People are always like, diagonal cut. It's like the trendy thing. I kind of just like the bang right in the middle.

It's just cuter. The diagonal cut sometimes, I'm like, looks kind of dangerous. Look, is that a weapon? Are you going to throw that half of peanut butter and jelly at me like a batarang I just like that split down the midi no thumbprint god damn man your mom making a peanut butter and jelly and your dad making a peanut butter jelly that's the difference between moms and dads Moms are like Oh yes Spread Nice

Sexy Glossy Like that's That's the loudest noise a mom makes Making a peanut butter and jelly When a dad makes a peanut butter and jelly It's like God damn it

Hey what was that It's ready It's like you get your peanut butter and jelly back from your dad And there's like screws and bolts in it and shit And you're like okay Just wanted a snack and there's like screws and bolts in it and shit. And you're like, okay. Just wanted a snack. My dad's thumbprint would always be in my shit.

I'd be like, bro, you really think I want to eat this? Like, did you look at this? Did you even look at this, BB and J? Did you do this blindfolded? Or are you just blind? I haven't figured out if my dad's colorblind or not He's been saying that shit for like My whole life But then like he'll be like yeah those are red

And I'm like I thought Nevermind Those shoes are a little Funny aren't they I'm like I thought you were colorblind What the fuck are you doing looking at my shoes Just sees like a dog I'm like, I thought you were colorblind. What the fuck are you doing looking at my shoes? Just sees like a dog. I hate when people's personalities is just straight up like whiskey.

That is like half of people though People that are just like Yeah Oh god I just say yeah I got this bottle I got from Christmas Four years ago We can

Nah Nah I don't drink anything with it I just drink it plain On the rocks And they like don't They just have like One glass of whiskey

I guess my personality Is probably like wine I love wine Not that I've ever Told you guys that But people who just drink glass of whiskey I guess my personality is probably like wine I love wine not that I've ever told you guys that but people who just drink one glass of whiskey like that makes my throat hurt thinking about that people's personality that's just country music right when they wake up that's she's got a barbecue stain on my white t-shirt and she was country music is so weird it's just like i don't know i don't have a personality

but i feel like feeling good and drinking a fresh coarse beer and chilling out with my friends i got a crush on that girl over there she was sitting back and just having a good old time there's like never anything to it and everybody's just like yeah yeah that's my song that's my summer anthem and i'm just sitting back and letting the punches roll. Because I got no control. And that cutie over there, we might take a stroll. Yeah, that's our song, babe. Me and you.

Perfect. Perfect. Yeah, that's our song, babe. Me and you. Perfect. Yeah, right. Hashtag my bizarre status update. Oh, my God. Man. You know, it prompts you to say like What are you thinking? Or what does it say?

Like what's on your mind? Or what's up? And you like actually type something in there I used to really do that Like the first Hold on I'm gonna pull up some of my old shit Cause I know it's just so like

Dude what? What are you doing? December 2009 This is the first year I had Facebook. This is what I said. I'm officially on Christmas break. I can't talk. God damn it.

I can't read. I'm officially on Christmas break, period. Thank God. That's what I said. And I expected like a standing ovation for that. I'm sure. This is what I said on Thanksgiving in 2009. I was 18 years old. I said, I, I, I be on that crypto fan. Instead of like that, I be on that crypto night. Okay, I still think that's cool. And that was 15 years ago.

The only reason I'm eating fries is because I want ketchup. Well, I guess I say all the same stuff I used to. Couch, C-O-R-U going to the mall today. All right, I haven't changed. Okay, we're done with this. Why did I think I was like a sports analyst? I'm glad I finally shattered my iPhone screen

so I don't have to worry about it happening anymore. That's actually true. Did laundry and all my socks showed up? There's a first time for everything. Okay. I think I probably tweeted that like yesterday. Okay, I said one thing in 2012. Good job.

2014, 2015. I don't even get on Facebook anymore. Yeah, that's it. All right. Hashtag Hashtag seriously ticks me off. How about when people don't know, like, this always happens a lot. Maybe it's because I walk around a lot downtown, and it's always, like, nobody downtown can walk. It's so weird.

I'm like, do you you guys can you guys feel that there's someone around you like you have to be able to i don't know what's going on with that like half the population is just like when you know when you're in a store and there's somebody like get the in your head you're like but you're like in real life you're like can i slide by here But you're like In real life you're like Can I slide by here Like you have to know That I'm behind you

And they're just like But these girls were walking Like on a On a sidewalk That you can't pass Cause if you do You look like a Psycho

It was one of those sidewalks And they just Were walking Like they just were walking like they just woke up. Both of them. Like their alarms just went off and they were walking to the bathroom. They're like...

I was like, did you guys just get tranquilized or something? Like, I don't know how to get around you. I was about to crawl in between them. Like bear crawl. Like, I'm just going to start bear crawling everywhere downtown. God, bear crawling sucked.

Why was that a thing we had to do in sports growing up? You know? For like football and basketball, they'd be like, no, bear crawl 15 yards. It's like, when the fuck am I going to do this? When you're acting like a bear on third down. When am I ever going to bear crawl in real life? This is going to help you out. Hashtag, okay, what else seriously ticks me off?

Yeah, but there's a lot of people that can't understand. The spatial awareness, that's what it is. I'm going to teach a spatial awareness camp. Throwing real stuff away in the bathroom trash, that's just something I just can't do it. just can't do it like if I see like a if I see a beer can in the bathroom trash I'm like I like come out I like walk out of the bathroom like the Joker it's like a ripped up tuxedo on and like makeup I'm like it's time to play a game. I completely changed my personality just because I see a beer can in the trash.

I've got a little present for you guys. What? you guys hashtag this year my summer vacation I was thinking about this this summer this is a hot take uh this summer might be the best summer I never thought I'd say that again after like high school and stuff, but I don't know what it is about it, but it's fun. Maybe because life isn't real right now.

That's it. Yeah, so it's pretty good though. And because Mass Ave shut down, that's why it's the best summer. I hope it's shut down forever. Can we, like, make that happen? I think everybody wants that, right? If you live in Indianapolis and you've been on Mass Ave the past, like, I don't know, two months, three Three months It's just a party Like seriously

It's a party Every From 7am To 10pm It's a party all day It's hard not to like It's hard to stay focused When you live on Mass Ave

I never thought It'd be a problem like that But like every day I'm like damn Look out the window And it's just like Jesus Christ Even the homeless people Are like and it's just like... Jesus Christ. Even the homeless people are like getting it.

I'm like, shit. Hashtag manly candle scent. Oh, God. Obviously, Home Depot. Everybody's... That's so like stepped on now. The Home Depot smell. I actually kind of played it out.

But... Hashtag the manly How about just a candle Just a Scott's Turf Builder candle I'd be down with that A manly candle What about just like leather Ew Yeah nothing beats Home Depot or Lowe's

Remember that Home Depot song I'm still obsessed with Why does it go so hard Like I seriously I know you guys are like Don't play I don't You always play music No I don't

But it Why does it go We're here We know you like the Home Depot play I don't you always play me that's not don't but it why does it go we're here we know you like the Home Depot's don't don't don't don't don't don't they have a 10-hour one on here Someone needs to, like, someone needs to, like, one of those bands, like, honestly, like, Creed needs to sing over this. How hard would that go? And Creed.

Somebody said they, like, Creed the movie the other day, and I thought they were talking about the band. Like, Creed's really inspiring. I was like like what the no but seriously like this is anytime i hear a song that i'm like oh that goes crazy i think of this is the most guy thing ever i every time i hear something like this i think of the Colts coming out of the tunnel. Like, wouldn't this go, though? Like, now you're 2020 Indianapolis. Colts. Colts.

Colts. You're starting quarterback number 12 all the way from NC State. And that's so Indianapolis, though. Like, wouldn't everybody in the crowd just go? There's even a banging of the handbill. Just like all the Colts moms with cigarette breath and bangs and wavy hair. Honey. Honey, they're coming out.

The guy with the gray hair and the mustache. Really skinny. Cargo shorts and a Peyton Manning jersey. Peyton Manning jersey from Kmart. Honey, they're coming out. And everybody's screaming. Everybody's screaming. Ah!

This happened to me, like, when we used to go. I used to go to Colts games so much when I was a kid. Like, I can't even, like, look at the stadium anymore because I'm so burnt out. We just, I just went every, dude, I went to Colts games so much growing up. Like, I wouldn't even, that's probably why I don't, like, enjoy football anymore like I used to. Because I was around it so much. Like, I remember going to, like, a Colts-Titans game. Colts play the Titans 15 times a year, you know?

Who the Colts playing this weekend? Titans. Who the Colts playing this weekend? Titans. Titans. Titans. I remember studying science flashcards at Colts games. Because I was like, dude, you go to a Colts game?

That's eight hours. But we sat by these like obvious, like just such Colts guys and everybody was cheering. And they're like, yeah, yeah. And I was like, yeah, you know, kind of like a kid. Yeah. My dad wasn't doing shit. He's probably not even standing up. And the whole crowd's going crazy. And I looked to the Colts guys next to us, and I was so close to them that I could hear their screams indefinitely,

but the whole rest of the crowd was blended together. And all I could hear was this guy going, like, that's how he was screaming. I was what the whole crowd yeah you know you give a good yeah like that's that'd probably be how you cheer like honestly if you soloed out somebody during like a third big third down they'd be like yeah let's go you know this guy was just like like i could see his tongue. Okay. But, yeah, so he'd be doing this.

Honey. Honey. Honey. Taps him on the shoulder. He's like, huh? He has beer like on his mustache, like kind of dripping off. They're coming out of the tunnel. Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, o Bulls. Dude. Imagine if I was accidentally on air.

I think about that so much. Because I have no idea what I'm doing in this studio. I just turn it on and go. What if I was routed into WIBC? Like, we can't get this guy off. I have no idea what's happening Live on air Garlic What would you like with your fries

I'd like some garlic Oh my god Okay what the hell just happened? Hashtag, hashtag ways to ruin a first date. That's so fried. How about when you're with somebody and like, there's like, you can tell like the connections not there, but they don't do anything to change it. I think that's so lame You know when you're like hanging out with somebody and you're like, I thought this is gonna go a lot better

Maybe we can change it, you know, maybe we can Maybe we can switch up the pace, but they like still i'm like do you Can you identify that this isn't going well like you got to feel that right? I don't think they do and I think that's why they suck well I guess one time I just like hung out with this girl randomly and it was just so like can you say something good like here I am putting on a here I am putting a five minute set together telling these stories and shit like give me something like can we connect on just come on i'll throw you a little i'll throw you a little underhanded just come on speak my language yeah but once that happens i'm kind of out for good

like in that instance i'll be like oh and you know oh, maybe if I say this, it'll show that I relate to that or something. But if it's just not, like the next day I'm like, that's like the worst feeling in my life when that happens. I swear to God. My family could like pass away, but if I didn't like connect with a girl that I was hanging out with, I'd be more upset the next day. I'd be like,

I cannot believe this happened. Oh my God. She must think I'm such a loser. Hashtag. Hashtag. Things I will miss about lockdown Everything This has been on like the last three podcasts

But like lockdown Unless you were like affected by it negatively It was the best moment of my life Best time of my life And I knew it the whole time I was like this is never going to happen again Like literally free for all, no responsibilities.

Just don't touch your face and don't go near people. All social distance for the rest of my happy ass life. That was so dope. Hey, do you want to? No, because we can't by law. No, I don't want to.

Don't feel bad. By law, you have to stay home all day and just be a dumbass. Check. Oh, for four months? Damn. Yeah, I'll see if I can squeeze that in my schedule. My dream. Hashtag a picnic must have.

Man, we're getting long on the pod. A picnic must have. I actually hate pickets. The thoughts of picnics. Dude, I'm a negative person because the first thing I thought of when thinking of a picnic was how the wind would just blow everything everywhere and how I'd have to pee every five seconds. And bugs. A normal person, nah, maybe that is normal.

I guess if you're a psycho, you'd be like, oh my God, we can get a wicker basket and we can fill it with Pringles and grapes. And we can play music and pick daisies. And blow, what are those? Dandelions. And we can blow dandelions. I'm like, I gotta piss. There's mosquitoes all over my ankles. Ah, the napkins blew away.

The next day. God, I was acting the ass at the picnic. Wouldn't stop slapping my ankles and cussing And I pissed behind that bush And I think she saw my pee pee Okay let's do days Before I kill myself in here Wednesday

National Freezer Pop Day. National Freezer Pop Day. Man, we used to have these chocolate, like, bars we'd keep in our freezer. Off-brand joints. No ice cream in the middle. Just fudge bars. I was just slapping them on my tongue nine times a day. And like, you know how you eat, after you eat one, you like chew on the popsicle stick.

God dang. That's what my childhood tastes like. Yes. Chewing up a popsicle stick and like crushing it in your mouth. Like you bend it in half and you're like, just cause you, just because you don't want to get up and throw it away. My childhood tastes like wood. Inappropriate. National Chocolate with Almonds Day.

Is this fake? Did I make this day? Because that's my shit. I've been on, like, a pistachio thing. So, I'm in debt Why are nuts so much money? I think about it every 10 seconds And why do I always want them though?

You know? I guess if they're cheap I'd be like These are shitty But since they're like $69.99 For like a pouch of trail mix I'm like Oh god now that's what I want After I eat like After I have like one handful of trail mix I can't move for the rest of the day

Why does it make you feel like that Thursday National sugar cookie day They're kind of boring though, you know? Sugar cookies with icing are good. Never my first pick but I always have some respect for sugar cookies. But if someone's like, sugar cookies

are my favorite cookies, I'm like, me and you? Not friends. Sugar cookies? That is, I guess it's kind of like a wild card pick. You know when everybody says what your favorite food is and you go around the room and everybody's like pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza. One time my friend said meatball subs and I was like, we're going to be friends for a long time.

I love those wild cards. Someone, eww. This one girl's sister, her favorite food when we, like, were talking about it one time was chicken marsala. I've never been so pissed off after hearing something like that. That ruined my whole day. It ruined my whole image of her I was like all right chicken marsala chicken marsala chicken marsala Chicken Marsala What's your favorite food? Chicken Marsala Like it's way too exotic

And way too specific You know And you know she just like Just had it too God damn it like she must have had it like 10 minutes before that because i don't know she's like panicking chicken marsala chicken fucking marsala no it's not Your favorite food. You might as well say, like, turkey tetrazzini.

No. What's your favorite food? Oh, man. Probably a grilled Reuben. What's that? What's that? How many of those do you have to make that your favorite food? That'd be something I'd have like three times in my life. Reuben.

The sandwich? Reuben. It's called that. All right. National, Friday, National Kitten Day. Kittens, yes. Cats, no. Because kittens are like clueless and they like can't walk.

And you're like, yeah. But maybe grown ass cats. I'm like, what is the issue? What's wrong all day? What's wrong? What's wrong? All day. What's wrong? What's wrong? What? Can you be nice for one second? That's like every girl I've ever dated is a cat. What? What's wrong? What's wrong? What happened? What's wrong? Oh, you're just going to walk away into the room.

Hmm. just going to walk away into the room. But kittens, yeah. Puppies, yeah. Dogs, dogs can roll, but like when dogs get to barking, I'm like, dude, this is not your territory. There's a dog yelling at me from inside of an, of an apartment while i was parking my car in a parking lot random ass parking lot i was like am i in your kitchen i'm parking my car you want me to lock it for you so i can get your approval i'm like trying to please this dog so you But puppies yeah, because when they bark they're like Then you're like We just hate everything when it get older you just turn into a dog you're like i don't know i don't know

i don't know national pina colada day pina colada i like those fruity drinks drinks that taste good you know i hate when people are like fruity drinks Drinks that taste good, you know I hate it when people are like Fruity drinks are for pussies I'm like, it just tastes good That's the difference

I don't want to eat a barrel Okay You should try this whiskey From 1872 I'm like, that doesn't I don't want to lick a piece of wood. All right? I want this,

I want this like drink that tastes like a smoothie. National cheer up the lonely day. Man, cheering somebody up is a chore. Like maybe when I was a kid and I was in a bad mood, like just like being in a bad mood to be in a bad mood you know like somebody'd be like go cheer ben up does anybody ever do that to you

like somebody come up to me like so like staged in force and be like what's up huh remember you had that thing on your head the other day you're like they're like trying to get you to break I'd always be like No don't don't don't give in And then when they do say something funny You're like And then you smile at them And they smile at you And it like goes to commercial break

Next on Bad mood Benny I always hated when I laughed though But I'd be like Yeah you got me Next on Bad Mood Benny. I always hated when I laughed, though. But I'd be like, yeah, you got me. You're pretty good at that. I love you. I love you, too, Benny.

Now let's go play hide and seek. God, I'm fried. All right. National Blueberry Muffin Day. I wonder if I'm going to be doing these days For the rest of my career You know On this podcast It's kind of good though

Because it's just some random shit To talk about But sometimes I do feel like an idiot Just being like Okay Mojito Day National Blueberry Muffin Day When I think of muffins now I haven't seen seen like a real batch of muffins in so long

because I haven't made or been around anyone that's actually made muffins at their house. I just think of those wet Otis Spunkmeyer joints at like Speedway. How wet are those? If you threw one of those muffins at the wall it would like leave like a water balloon mark Maybe instead of water balloon fights just have spunk Meyer fights big trash bag of muffins Like dragon I'm dragging them onto the backyard Bunch of kids run up damn that'd be awesome run up. Damn, that'd be awesome. I've always wanted to have a food fight. God, that'd be so much fun. Like just once, can we just let it loose? That should be like a high school

day. Like unplanned, the whole cafeteria is all tarped out and all the kids are like, what? Oh, what? Huh? What? And then just all of a sudden, food fight! Like the student council president that's like some really annoying girl and you're like huh what the and she throws like one string of spaghetti at like the like head football coach everybody's like oh and the head football coach like just takes a turkey man hat into her head and you're like oh oh god someone looked in here again Manhattan to her head and you're like Oh God Someone looked in here again

But then it's just on Nah It wouldn't work cause people like some Some crazy dude would Throw like a spoon at some Teacher you know Ding and then she'd like act Hurt and you'd go Up to her and be like are you okay

and she'd be like she'd be the the math teacher that'd be like i don't think so like dude just say you're okay even if you're hurt and then go get help you don't have to be like i need a nine one one national 7-11 day one one national 7-11 day 7-11 coffee kind of bangs though I was on that when I was in LA for a little bit

I'd 7-11 coffee every day and they had those little like they had those espresso shots for free at 7-Eleven. Literally put five in my coffee and be like, okay. That was 49 cents.

You buy like six coffees and you get the seventh free. That's how weddings should be. You go to six weddings and you don't have to go to the seventh. That's how church should be. You have to six weddings and you don't have to go to the seventh. That's how church should be. You have like a punch ticket before you go into church. They're like, yep.

See you in two weeks, Fred. Go ahead and enjoy the Colts pregame show this week. Amen. Sunday. Sunday. National Pecan Pie Day. One time we were at my grandma's in florida and she had like a pond in her backyard and there are so many catfish in this pond and they were huge and she just had like old food and i would just like i spent probably 12 hours a day just trying to like

catch a catfish catfishing. But seriously, I would just throw bread in there and watch catfish. Like, you know, catfish have like, it looks like they all got like lip implants. They're like, and one day like she ran out of bread. And I was like, Grandma, you have any thing I can throw in the water? How bored... I had so little to do that I was feeding catfish. Now I'd be like, I got to do this.

I got to do that. I'm feeding catfish. What do you think I am? But, yeah. catfish what do you think i am but yeah and she was like this pecan pie is kind of old do you want to throw it in there and i was like i guess and i like had it and i was like why would people eat this and i was throwing it and the catfish was even like the catfish like smelled it was like nah i'm good fam why did all catfish get lip injections seriously every time I see a catfish I'm like what are you doing later

national paper bag day dude I saw a guy walking to work today with an actual lunchbox I'm surprised your work lunchbox doesn't have like Superman on it. Call your mommy and kiss her and tell her you love her too before you go to work. Love you, mommy. Did you put a nut in here? I'll see you at five o'clock when I'm off. All right. Man, that was crazy. Okay. Remember to follow on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Cameo, all at Benedict Polizzi.

And I'm sorry if Apple Podcasts is annoying right now. They're trying to switch over my podcast so I can get back on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and it's uploading different copies of stuff. I'm sorry. If that's annoying, my bad. But it'll be back on there again. I'm sorry if that's annoying. My bad. But it'll be it'll be back on there again. They just have to figure it out.

OK, I'll talk to you. I'll talk to you guys next week. I have. Perfect.