Espresso - GET-A-BALL

Episode Date: August 27, 2020

razors 4 christmas | sexiest horse ever | "your a good sleeper" - dad | always ugly af around family

1-13 if you know what I mean let's go there's a baby in every song like one out of like eight songs there's some there's some little baby in it. There's a baby playing a flute. Or it was anyway. I'm thinking of that one baby that's like always the jif gif I don't know that's like real kind of scary and and like almost naked he has a diaper on he's like dancing all weird that's the baby I think of for this song playing this flute you know what baby I'm talking about It's like why is it so tall

Anyway Shout 113 What's up fam Hey remember to follow me on twitter At benpolizzi Instagram at benedickpolizzi TikTok Benedictpolizzi TikTok's been freaking me out lately.

Like TikTok knows my emotions. Like anything I'm going through, I always see it on TikTok. And it's like, I didn't even, I swear it's only my thoughts. It's so weird. I don't like it. It's freaking me out. Honestly. Like everything I'm going through is on weird. I don't like it. It's freaking me out, honestly. Like, everything I'm going through is on TikTok. I'll be like, I really want a pretzel. And then, like, 10 seconds later, I'll get on TikTok, and it'll be like, soft pretzel check. I don't like it. I'm scared, but I can't stop watching it.

Boner alert. That's a new thing on TikTok. Every time anybody sees something. Boner alert,'s a new thing on tiktok every time anybody sees something boner alert and follow on cameo too cameo's been jumping and people are getting good with uh like things they want me to do this one dude was was like, hey man, I love, I love Robot Hunty. Can you, can you just say happy birthday to me

and do the Robot Hunty laugh? I was like, are you kidding me? This is my dream. For those of you who don't know what Robot Hunty was or is. Me and Joey did a Valentine's video. Of course, I gotta do all this crap to log in okay me and Joey did a Valentine's Day video and it was based off of like all the couples on Instagram that are so like.

It's hard to like couples on the internet. If you're just going to take every picture with each other, like at a restaurant, like what? Okay. It's like they're robots when they're couples like that. It's like they're robots every time. We're going to a restaurant, hunty. Let's take a picture. And you know, the guy doesn't really even want to. He just like wants to make We're going to a restaurant, hunty. Let's take a picture. And you know the guy doesn't really even want to.

He just wants to make his wife happy. Come on, hunty. Let's stand before this wall, hunty. And she's like, oh, you're so dreamy. I'm trying to find it. I love you, hunty. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Wait.

Okay, here we go. Single for Valentine's Day. Introducing Robot Honey. All you got to do is turn him on and fall in love. So this kid was like, hey, will you do, uh, just shout me out for my birthday and like, do the Robot Honey character and just laugh and I'm, that's all I need, I'm good. I was like, yeah? He wanted me to do this. Hi, Huttie. He's cute.

Oh, my goodness. No problem, Huttie. He's cute. God. Thank you. I'm going to kill Scott, Huttie. That's the spot. He's hysterical. That laugh.

Are they pretty, hunty? Bring the perfect man home with Robot Honey. Like, if you like that video, we're basically friends. Because that is fried. And why every time when a couple, like the husband says honey, he slips a T in there. How you doing, hunty? So what's up? I haven't shaved.

This is the longest I've gone without shaving in probably two years. And it's three days. I don't know why I've been so militant on shaving my entire life, but I just have. I always think it looks like crap. And it gets like, like my facial hair grows in weird. I don't have like a cool pattern. Like some dudes get it from like the, the sideburns, like, and it fills in into their face.

I just get two patches of hair on my chin and it's just dark. It's just, it looks, it looks like I have dirt on my face. I just get two patches of hair on my chin and it's just dark. It's just, it looks, it looks like I have dirt on my face. At the same time, girls are always like, oh, gruff. I love gruff. I never get that. I just grew up in a house like full of razors when I was a kid. So I'm like addicted to shaving. Anything with hair, I'm like, nope, cutting it. Anything with hair I'm like Nope Cutting it There are razors

Just all over my house Growing up I swear to god Like kids played with Like little kids Growing up Played with like Toy airplanes

I just played with A Mach 3 turbo Like you guys got GTA 3 You guys got GTA 3 You guys got Grand Theft Auto 3 I got the shit Quattro for Christmas Four blades No hair whatsoever

Dude There's something wrong with my I get razor burn so easy If I walk by my bathroom I get razor burn so easy. If I walk by my bathroom, I get razor burn. And there's nothing to stop it. I've tried everything. Nothing. Every kind of razor, everything.

You got Madden for Christmas? Yeah, I got Norelco. I'm your Venus. I'm your fire. That was our Pledge of Allegiance. I'm your Venus. Now, before we went to bed, we said our prayers.

Say your prayers before you go to sleep in the name of the father the son and the holy spirit introducing venus from gillette the first just kneeling like kneeling on the floor with our with our hands on our bed just our heads moving from from left to right. I'm your, I'm your, I'm your Venus. Change. Venus revealed a goddess in you. Yeah, I didn't pray to God. I just prayed to goddess. I'm your Venus. Shave my penis. All right, sorry. I'm your fire, your desire.

Just yelling that shit before bed. Your desire. Good night. Just yelling that shit before bed Goodnight Alright I'm crazy Yeah I don't know I don't really like facial hair though But maybe I I swear it just looks like I have a goatee And I hate goatees

Just the look of a solid like like, shaved goatee. I can't imagine. If it's a goatee, like, blended into a beard, then it kind of, like, looks a little more casual. But if it's, like, just a straight-up chopped goatee, I don't know about that. Like, I kind of think it's a joke. Yeah, that's what my facial hair looks like.

I don't have facial hair, like, on my cheeks. It's just around my mouth So I look like every football coach Every football coaching staff in the nation Has a coach with a goatee And he's always chewing gum And he's always like the hard ass guy Making all those comments

There's always like the hard ass guy. Making all those comments. There's always one coach. We used to like, when I was a kid growing up playing football and stuff, like somebody would always ask, be like, what time is it? Like, because something weird would happen with like the way they're getting picked up. And that coach would always be like, oh, you got a hot date? That was like the line. Or what you waiting on, Polizzi, an invitation? All the other coaches would be like, oh, God!

An invitation? So coachy. You gotta be tough! God, coaches are so, like, why do coaches have to be such, like, ha, ha, ha, I going to make your life hell. Okay, there's another way to win. You're wearing gloves, pussy.

Yeah, I'm wearing gloves. Actually, that's half the reason I'm playing. Because these are tight. So scared to wear anything cool growing up playing football. Like, dude. What? If I was a coach and my players looked all lame and shit, I'd be like, I don't want to coach you guys.

You guys are losers. My team would be like 0-13. But the pictures after the game? It's a photo shoot, girl. So, are we doing lockdown again or what? Because it looks like every other state, he can't say is ours, but he's talking real life stuff. Seems like every other state is hot COVID right now,

and I know it's going to spread all over again. Are we acting like we're just going to do 4th of July or is everything going to close? I look back at my phone for something and I saw pictures of like the second week of lockdown and I had like a hoodie on, pants and a jacket over my hoodie. And I was just banging wine every night just like that it's kind of do you think back to that and get kind of sad I do is that weird not sad like like nobody's ever gonna forget this time of our lives like I remember every single detail of what I did every day it seems like work out and watch stranger things that was fun but yeah it makes me kind of sad to think back to like how long ago that was and all that stuff like we were dressing

all warm and just banging wine and now we're about to do it again with the ac on johnson here you see that uh that horse that Kim K got? Was that the sexiest horse of all time? I've never seen a hotter horse. And I'm not like, if an animal's hot, I'll let you know. I'm not that guy that's like, yeah, that's weird. Remember that deer that went viral on the internet that was the most symmetric creature of all time like that deer

was hot that horse i've never even seen hair like that on a woman like i don't guys just don't notice hair that's just like something i don't know i mean i'll notice hair like sometimes but that's why it's like you didn't recognize I got a haircut? Like, guys were just like, uh-huh. I've never seen hair more beautiful in my life than on that horse. That horse should have been in, like, a Garnier Fructis commercial. Remember this commercial? Come on, baby. Yeah, this is it.

This is that horse in the commercial This right here Just that horse in the shower Whipping it around Just breaking all the glass and shit Just knocking over the shower curtain That horse was fine I wouldn't even want to like Taking all the glass and shit and just knocking over the shower curtain. That horse was fine. I wouldn't even want to like, sounds weird, but ride that horse because I'd be like, I don't want to.

Just let it be. Just let it be wild. Remember the first time I like went horseback riding? It was the craziest shit of all time. First time I saw a horse pee during horseback riding i was like that is no that's literally all i remember that's my brain it was just so weird i was like are you are i don't know if we should be on these things my horse went rogue of course my horse went off the trail into the water and started drinking out of the lake. Like that, I swear to God, only that kind of shit happens to

me. Everybody's horse is just paying attention, doing its thing. And my horse goes to the lake and starts drinking water, like dips its head down next to the pond. And it's like, and I'm sitting there like almost falling off the seat and like the saddle handle like slips all the way up his neck. And like the person taking us on like the horseback riding course is like, oh, God, oh, stay on there. And I'm like, what the fuck? Probably didn't help that I was like low key, like kicking it in the ass to see if it would just take off. didn't help that I was like low-key like kicking it in the ass to see if it would just take off the whole time I was like just like wherever you want just be free just be free let's go let's go let's go explore let's be free never happened yeah that was weird, though. It was cool, but, like,

I just kept looking at the way horses would shake when flies would get on them. Damn, flies are relentless. There were, like, 90,000 flies, like, on a horse, and the horse would just be like, and, like, vibrate, and they'd all, like, get off. Like, damn, a horse could probably really shake that ass huh? Big, big. Yes, that is the horse that always twerks.

That's your horse. So it will be shaking its ass on trail B. All the way down the trail what's your horse doing yeah that was cool horses are cool always a girl in your class that really likes horses too much and you're like what happened what do you mean like you live in the same neighborhood as me there are no horses around here like did a horse save you from drowning or something? Come here, grab my huff. Did a horse save your life? Did a horse give you climber's grip when you were falling off a mountain?

You know that grip they always do in movies when somebody's, like, really falling, and they grab each other's forearms? Aren't they always do in movies when somebody's like really falling that grab their each other's forearms? There's no guys that like horses too much. Guys just like guns. So yeah. Do you ever have to hide something in your trash can? Because you're like ashamed you ate it? Last night I knew I was going to do it.

And I think I'm like addicted to kind bars. Is there something weird in there? Is there something weird in kind bars? Because they're like all natural ingredients. Things you can pronounce. But I can't stop eating those there's got to be something weird in there but anyway i bought a box of them and because it was like three bucks i was like whatever but the back of my brain was like you're gonna eat all these

tonight and i was like no i'm not i'm gonna have two and then it's cool but my brain was like we'll see so i got home ate everything in like 15 seconds and then i was like i guess i'll have one my brain was like time to have six so i had two i had two i had two real quick i was like yeah yeah that's cool that's cool that's cool that's cool then i went out and got two more and then my roommate went to sleep and i ate the whole box because i was ashamed of doing it in front of him and i hid everything and like i put stuff over it in the trash because i was like it'd be so embarrassing like if he woke up and like i don't know why why you know no my roommate

my whole life and he knows everything i do he'd be like yeah not surprised Ben had six granola bars in 15 seconds But I was like oh I better cover these up with some stuff in the trash You know just so it doesn't look like I'm a complete Homeless person Sometimes I don't even know if my roommate like Like sometimes I'll just walk in He won't even look at me I'm like damn

What do I do? You want me to buy some paper towels or something? My roommate's like my low-key girlfriend I'm like shit Like thinking of him like way more than I should Oh my god I hope I didn't leave that light on He's gonna kill me I'm like what's been going on um I swept I swept it's like the first thing I say when he walks in

I'm like I swept are we okay now I mean uh what's up dude what are you doing tonight been taking a lot of walks at night Night walks Never done that before in my life Kind of changing everything for me It'll be like 11.30 And I'm like I can't sleep I got nothing to do

I'm about to just walk it out It's crazy you really can't do that if you're a girl though You can't do like half the things if you're a girl Because guys are just like god guys are so creepy man that's you you're two types of guy you're either like what's going on or you're like i don't know how to talk to anybody so i'm just gonna be so weird but I I like walked around And I Turned the corner

And I went past Like this was on Saturday I walked I went past 16-bit That like arcade bar Kind of on Mass Ave And I saw Mantis out there

You guys know Mantis Austin Taylor IUPUI Barstool And right when I saw him I was like Okay Well And right when I saw him, I was like, okay, well, and next thing I knew I was playing ski ball with shorts on. People were like, let's play ski ball. I was like, oh, it's like the most awkward like game to play. You're in like the weirdest, like hunched over position. Had no idea

what I was doing. You try to get the ball in the like the the hole that's like 50 points or 100 points there's something that's like 10 you just try to rack up the most points and i thought there was a time limit so i was like going like real fast real hard and like everybody's like watching one person do it so i'm like i'm all hunched over and weird looking and i actually the, it wasn't a time limit. You only got nine throws. So after my ninth throw, I was going super hard still. You ever do some shit like that?

I was throwing my 15th ball, and they were like, what are you doing? It's been over for six. I was doing it for an extra three minutes. And they were like like are you just like throwing them like that that happened to me I was never been so embarrassed before like that happened to me in soccer like three different times little ass youth soccer like the ref would blow the whistle and I wouldn't hear it because I'd be so like in the zone and I'd run all the way down the field and like score a goal. And, but everybody was like,

they blew the whistle. Like I'm deaf. I have a problem. Yeah. Been lifting a lot of LA fitness. Isn't it funny when you work out and you walk in the gym and you see everybody you know, you're just like, I hate you. Everybody you see at your gym, you're just like, fuck you, dude.

You don't even know them. Nothing about them. But you're nice every time. You're like, how you doing? But inside your head, you're like, fuck you. Every time I walk in, God, there's, I don't get the people that like are real friendly at the gym. Every time I walk in, God, there's, I don't get the people that are like, are real friendly at the gym.

That broad ripple LA fitness on like a Saturday morning is just like a brunch spot. No one's working out. Everybody's just like, it's been good. Greg, how you been? You over there? There's always a guy that's got to talk to you every single, I can't imagine being a girl at a gym. Shit.

There's always one guy that has to to talk to you every single i can't imagine being a girl at a gym shit there's always one guy that has a what's up it's like i got nothing new i don't want to be here and the last person i want to talk to is you we're friends by default because this is the closest place when guys even talk to girls at the gym I'm like what are you doing No no no I feel so bad for the girl I'm like do they even know that he's like probably the weirdest guy ever There should be like an LA fitness for women That guys can't even You know guys would be in the parking lot or something though Girls can only work out like at 6 a.m. and like, yeah, that's pretty much it.

10 p.m. probably even weirder. I swear to God, girls only lift legs and guys only lift arms. Every time I see a girl working out at the gym, she does this. That's it. I got his legs There's like no in between It's like you're not doing legs Or you're like Okay

Let's go viral Viral Viral Hashtag Was embarrassing hashtag was embarrassing oh my god I did so much embarrassing things in soccer because I didn't know the rules

of course I was like out of town the day that my soccer team went over the positions and rules so I had to go the whole year like not knowing any positions that my soccer team went over the positions and rules. So I had to go the whole year not knowing any positions, any like nothing. I was just like, I'm midfield. Okay, where do I line up?

I have no idea. So I had to have my mom explain the positions to me. My mom's like a soccer expert. I was listening to my mom like she was Pele. She was like, this is, he told me this is where the forward goes. So there's three here. And I'm just like, uh-huh. She's like, and there's two on defense back here.

And I was like, okay, mommy. Let's play soccer ball. But okay, so we scored. So the other team was kicking at center field. Like that's how you do it in soccer, I think. And no one was doing anything and we scored. So I was just like, fuck it, I'm kicking it. So I just...

And the crowd was like, oh no, it's our kick. Of course, some dad. But I felt like an idiot. I was like, I don, it's Arkek! Of course, some dad. But I felt like an idiot. I was like, I don't know, nobody was doing anything, and I kind of thought it was like, the pressure was kind of on me, honestly. Like, I was getting kind of hot. Because everybody was just looking around. I was like, I must be fucking up, so I just kicked it.

Anybody else have a dad that, like, didn't sit down at sporting events? My dad would always stand like by the door. Every time they'd be like, where's your dad? I'd be like, he's probably standing like in the weird spot. Like he's not by anybody. My dad's sitting down in bleachers is the weirdest looking thing to me. I'm like, dude, get up. What are you doing?

I can like, your knees are too high. dude get up what are you doing i can like your knees are too high me and joey the other day we're talking about like weird dads at games and the stuff they say we had this one kid on our team we had this one kid on our team when i was in seventh grade he was in eighth grade and every time there was a loose ball when we were on defense every time there was a loose ball he'd be like get a ball every time there was a loose ball, he'd be like, get a bird, get a bird, get a bird, get a bird. That's all he said the whole game. He didn't say any, get a bird, get a bird, get a bird.

Like, what if that was your dad? And nobody thought it was weird. Like, I felt like I was the only one that heard it. Get a bird, get a bird, get a bird, get a bird. Hey, Mr. Solar, thanks for the motivation. Get a bird, get. Solar. Thanks for the motivation. Giddy-burp, giddy-burp. My name is Mr. Giddy-burp.

First name Giddy, last name Ball. Sir, what's your name? Mr. Giddy-burp. Last name Ball, name Get it Get it That's so dumb But that's all I remember Is that kind of shit Get it

Every time Deflects off someone's hand Get it Every time I drop something Now it plays in the back of my head. Drop food on the ground. Oh my God, I dropped my phone. Okay, okay.

Hey, how you doing? I'm Joe, my dad and his dad meeting. Hey, how you doing? I'm Joe Polizzi. I'm Joe My dad and his dad meeting Hey how you doing I'm Joe Polizzi I'm Mr. Ginnabab Okay I'm gonna stand over here Ginnabab Anyway

Hashtag was embarrassing Oh my god So I say this every single podcast I work at this restaurant And I'm like Still kinda new I think I'm still kinda new Plus I podcast I work at this restaurant and I'm like still kind of new I think I'm still kind of new plus I've never worked at a restaurant before so I don't know shit and everybody thinks I magically know stuff like dude this is on me though I went up to this table

and I was like what's up like cool table what's up drinks uh you guys want to throw some food in while I'm here because some people are just ready i think that's those are psychos like people that don't want to chill and like get a drink and like talk for a little bit people like we'll take three waters uh one lemonade for him and we're ready to order i'm like okay uh what can i can i have your guy's name real quick to put on the ticket uh last name you guys knew you guys knew i was gonna do that but uh yeah i was like i'm gonna throw some food in while i'm here and they're like yeah yeah yeah and i was like all right what's up let's let's talk

about it so they put their order in i put like put it in the computer and all that kind of stuff so it was like ready in the kitchen. If you're ever wondering why your waiter or waitress sucks, it's because they have 90,000 tables of people. So they can't pay attention to you. I figured it out. Whyyourserversucks.com? Oh, because they have 90,000 other people to take care of. So that's why everybody's like, tip your server sucks.com. Oh, because I have 90,000 other people to take care of. So that's why everybody's like tip your server. You don't know what they go through.

But actually, okay. So I went out there, I like took care of some other stuff. And then I came back to the table and I was like, so what's up guys? And they're like, nothing all good. And I was like, so you guys want to throw some food in same exact table they're like uh and i was like oh bye no i said something real stupid and i like stuttered i was like just kidding with y'all i'm sorry get a balls yeah so i asked them if they wanted food after they put in food, so they obviously knew that I did not care about them. No, I did, but I just forgot. It's okay. Hashtag surprise mask benefits. When you're wearing a mask, you can get away with a lot of bullshit.

I'm going to have to, like, retrain myself how to have a mouth again. I'll be walking around somewhere where everybody is is and I'll just be talking to myself. I'm like singing and stuff, but nobody really knows it. Like, cause my eyes look like I'm just like, uh-huh. But under my mask, I'm like, I can tell you're lying. Cause when you're replying, I wonder if I locked my car. I wonder if I got the chicken out. Is there still chicken in my... Oh, God damn it. I forgot the email. Because when you're replying... That girl's hot.

The only thing I have to eat at my house are two apples. What should I eat tonight? Because when you're replying? Stada, stada. And that's what happens underneath my mask. But if I did that in real life, I'd be in jail. So that's why I like my mask. It's the worst thing of all time.

I have it on at the restaurant and people are like i gotta see your old face like that's how that's weird and that's happened like four times and i'm just like i only have one tooth you don't want to see it but i just had one tooth like patrick from spongebob whoo now i take it off and they're like just take it off and say something and i'm like all right whatever i'm like i don't i never know what to say so i just Now I take it off And they're like Just take it off and say something And I'm like Alright whatever I'm like I don't

I never know what to say So I just like I look at them And I'm like Get a boop Alright Hashtag Catchphrase of my life.

Remember the game catchphrase? That's like how I know any, you can get to know a person so much better during that game than anything else. Like if you have a girl you're like with kind of, and you're like, I don i'm not 100 sure suck it up go to some weird thing of theirs and just bring catchphrase and play it just so you know like be the weird guy that's like you guys want to play a game no guy's ever said that at any party

it's always a girl that's like oh my god let's play oh my god apples to apples god that was for every every place i went to there'd be. Oh my god, apples to apples. God, that was for every fucking place I went to there'd be a girl that's like, apples to apples! Can we just sit here? Why do we always have to play some game? But, yeah, be the guy. Go to the party, go to the whatever it is, and just be like,

you guys want to play catchphrase? I guarantee people will want to play. If you don't know, if you like them or not, play catchphrase with them. That's all I got. That's true colors right there. They got to be thinking on their feet. You ever play catchphrase

with your girlfriend for the first time and you don't even love them anymore? I have. There's a lot of stuff like that honestly Like you ever kind of like somebody And then you see them do a push up And you're like oh shit Or throw a ball

I know throwing a ball is like so like Okay sports guy Alright jock But like Throwing a ball isn't just a manly thing. Some girls just have a little bit of swag, and they can just flick it. You haven't done it, even if they haven't done it. But if you throw a ball like, I'm not that innocent.

It's just not. It looks funny. It's the same for guys, though, too. Like, the catchphrase thing works for guys and girls. The push-up thing and throwing a ball more for a girl. But, like, I guess guys' rooms. I always talk about guys' rooms because my room is bad right now. I just don't know when I'm going to buy.

Like, my room is, like, borderline, like Like is he in eighth grade or is he almost 30? That just hurt me. Like what's up? I'm almost 30. Got a skateboard in my room. Yep. What's up? I swear to God,

this girl I know that I like went to college with, that is cool. She lives in LA and she came to Indianapolis cause her family works here. And she was like, yo, I have no place to stay. Can I stay at your crib? And I was like, hell yeah. Cause she's cool. And I was like, for sure.

Like for like how long? She was like one night, maybe two. And I was like, yes, I'll get a hotel so you can stay here. Like one of those. She walked in my apartment, looked at like, was in my room for like 15 seconds. She didn't even put her bag down. She just like looked around and she was like, I don't know. I think I might actually, I might stay.

Actually, I'm going to hold on. I don't know if I'm going to. And then I was like, bye. And we to. And then I was like, bye. And we just left. And I was like, okay. I was like, sorry that I have a SportsCenter pennant like on my wall. It literally said da-na-na, na-na-na on it. That's not sexy.

Just drop something because I was nervous. Yeah, but that happened. Okay. That happened. My room looks like an eighth graders check. Hashtag I could never put up with. Someone who pronounces words wrong I know I say that like this is all I talk about But it's true

Like if you know you're saying something wrong And you don't fix it You're my dad You're my dad That's it You're my dad you're my dad that's it you're my dad just doesn't just lets it roll just rides it out yep not changing it oh what did he say the other day oh god my dad just says like the wrong shit at the wrong time. I swear he knows when I'm in, like, a weird mood.

I, like, woke up, and I was about to go to work or something, and he was like, sleep good? I was like, yeah. And it's just he was standing with, like, his pelvis out, and he had his, like, thumbs in his belt loops, and, like, shoulders drooped, and belt loops like shoulders drooped and he's like yeah he's been a good sleeper i don't know why that just pissed me off so much i was like

like could you say it's like there's got to be something else my dad still calls me big boy after like 40 years. How you doing, big boy? I'm like, I'm not doing anything anymore with you. Bye. I'm done doing stuff forever. Damn, it's getting kind of late on this pod. Hashtag signs you're getting older.

When you stop caring about stuff, like walking around the house with your belt undone. Signs you're getting... Yeah, just when you stop caring about stuff. Everything, really. I feel like I'm caring more about stuff as I get older. Like old guys have hair coming out of their ears. I shave my ears, seriously, every fucking day now.

Because over the course of my life, three different women have been like, your ears are hairy. And that will tear my heart out of my chest. Those words. They could say anything else is hairy, honestly. And I'd be like, uh, sorry. But if ears, like, there's definitely not supposed to be hair there. If they're like, your neck was hairy, I'd be like,

that is kind of weird, too, actually. That's like second. If we were playing, like, Family Feud, it'd be like, ding! Number one answer, ears. Two neck, three, if something's here back. Oh hairy backs Yeah, that might be two One time my eyebrows got a little out of control and I was just like rolling with it Yeah, like your eyebrows should come to like that point, you know at the end and one time I was getting a little like there was like some I just didn't take care of it for like a week. And I was like,

nobody can, nobody's going to get that close to my face. My friend was like eating next to me. He was like, dude, you're, can you pluck your eyebrows? I was like, holy shit. He's like, yeah, this shit's disgusting. I was like, Oh, I was like, damn, that's so crazy. And like, while I was saying, damn, that's so crazy. And like, while I was saying, damn, that's so crazy. I was already on my way home. I was talking on the phone to him. I was like, damn, that's so crazy. Already in front of my bathroom mirror.

Yeah. But, uh, your hair, Jesus Christ. I care about that stuff. Nose hair. Ooh, that's big too. Ear hair, nose hair, back hair back hair uh what's the other one neck hair when guys just have so much neck hair i'm like has anyone looked at you in four weeks guys with neck hair just be easy with them because they don't have they obviously don't

have any loved ones sorry neck hair looks like a shirt Hashtag I know I shouldn't But I still keep all my iPhone boxes No idea why What am I going to do with them There's like 8 in my car Like if something ever happened to my phone

I wouldn't put it in the box and take it to the store I'd just take my phone to the store But I still have all the boxes. Maybe because the boxes are so like nice. Like whatever those are made out of. Good job. Good Steve job. Johnson here.

All right. Days. Wednesday. National Postal Worker Day. I've been noticing. I don't know why, but i always see like usps workers and i when i was a kid i always thought there were like very respectful people and now i'm just like you guys are pieces of shit sorry if you work for the post office but everybody i see delivering

mail i'm like ew where's your ass people just lose their asses when they get older. Hey, you forgot your ass 10 years ago. Where'd it go? You sat down, your ass didn't come back with you? Their ass is just on their car seat. Oh, shit. I forgot my ass. U.S. Postage Stamp Day.

Hate that so much. Every time I have to put a stamp on a letter, I have to text everyone in my family. And I'm like, is this the right corner? Even though I can look it up on Google. I'm like, is this expired? Why are we still stamps? My kid asked me about stamps.

I'm going to be like, can you just email it? I'll literally drive it to where you want to go so I don't have to put a stamp on it. National Creative Ice Cream Flavors Day. I don't really like experimenting with ice cream. I should, though. I definitely should. The craziest I get is like,

I'm feeling strawberry today for some reason. I'm not going with chocolate. It's either strawberry chocolate it's like your subway order you know it just doesn't change hasn't changed since I was nine years old I think about getting a sex change more than I think about going away from wheat and turkey Turkey. Friday. Thursday didn't have anything. So Friday. National Eat Your Beans Day.

Well, Jesus Christ. I do that every 15 seconds. Every time I cook, dude, my roommate gets so mad. Like, damn. Sorry, bro. Like, it just has to go down like this. I don't know what else to do. Because all I eat are eggs and beans.

Saturday, 4th of July. It's been the 4th of July for goddamn two months. Just a big old party every day. How come there's been fireworks for like eight weeks? Every single night I'm like whatever national caesar salad day i don't know it's okay it's a little too creamy for me and i knew this dude growing up who would always eat caesar salad and he always had it all over his lips like you ever know somebody that always has food all over their lips

and they can't detect it? You're like, hey, what the fuck? What tribe of humans is that? They just can't feel stuff on their lips. I'm like, yo. Dude, you got ranch all over your face. Sunday, National Apple Turnover Day. Ooh, I used to be addicted to turnovers.

Still kind of am, probably. National Apple Turnover Day. Ooh, I used to be addicted to turnovers. Still kind of am, probably. I used to go to Arby's. Arby's is so gross, but boy. Cherry turnover and a vanilla shake, dipping it in there.

Bye-bye, mommy. Fire. When Arby's had that five for five with those beef and cheddars. When we were younger. Not today, it's weird. But when we were like kids, that shit was banging. I swear we'd have like, I swear we'd. Remember when McDonald's had like dollar, like 50 cent, 49 cent cheeseburgers and stuff?

My family would buy like 75 of those and put them in the freezer and we'd eat them for like 10 years is that like a weird italian thing or something that you just stock up on food like that think about doing that now you'd be like hey uh does your family need a donation every month hey bro yeah just grab me a 49 cent cheeseburger out of the fridge. It's been in there since October. Warm them up and they're still fire though. National Graham Cracker Day. I was addicted to graham crackers for a little bit recently. The ones with cinnamon and like honey on them. Fuck me up twice. Put peanut butter on those

Bye Mommy I love you National Bikini Day Bikini Day Bikinis are weird So pretty much Like girls are in their underwear And they're like oh my god

And then girls are wearing a bikini And they're like what Swimsuits at family events Like girls are in their underwear and they're like, oh my God. And then girls are wearing a bikini and they're like, what? Swimsuits at family events. Oh. Don't. Just don't. That is super weird thinking about that.

Everybody tries to just look as ugly as possible At family events Man I always look super ugly Like on Christmas and shit My hair would be all flat and dry I'd be like hey Merry Christmas I'd be like good thing I'm not trying to impress anybody here Weird ass brown sweater I've worn for four Christmases in a row

I'm like who's gonna know My eyes look like Satan in every picture Merry Christmas Jesus is the reason for the season My eyes Okay Alright that shot 113 it was fun It was good

Yeah remember to follow I know I say it but I mean You know what else am I doing right now I don't have any shows coming up Cause all comedy clubs are weird So Follow me on social media Twitter

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