Espresso - gifts u want for xmas but can't ask for

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻����𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) its OG SPRESS!! on this episode Ben has Barstool Sports' @joeymulinaro on to answer the Espresso Question of the week: what's something you want for christmas but can't ask for? (like beano💨) JOHNSON AND SCHMITTY report on a panda breaking out of it's cage on 86 NEWS, then joey and ben realize people who go to movies on christmas day should be in jail, they explain why santa's elves are total pieces of shit, the boys rank the top5 most popular figures ever (santa > jesus) they outlaw thankyou notes for eternity and then they obviously make fun of ben's dad 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Espresso Podcast Shot 190 with my good friend Joey Molinaro. What's up guys? Before we get into things, I need to address a little news. For 86 News, I'm Johnson. And I'm Schmitty. Schmitty. In entertainment, the internet is going wild after a naughty panda caused a panic when he escaped an enclosure at a Chinese zoo.

Oh, very scary. Yeah. I mean, he's not going to be on Santa's nice list, that's for sure. I mean, and thinking back to this, a panda escaping an enclosure, I mean, this is absolute pandemonium. Oh, God! We can't do this.

We can't. Oh, Johnson, the panda obviously wasn't enjoying the cage he was locked in. You could say, you could say he felt a little bamboozled. Then he ducked. You can't keep doing that.

We're going to get fined. In all seriousness, they said the bear got on a trolley to flee the scene. And the zoo is now renaming the trolley the Panda Express. Oh, God! We're done!

That orange chicken gets me every time. Hey, Johnson, I guess that's just how they roll. I can't make it. I can't. Pretty Sick Snooze. I'm Johnson. And I'm Sch thank you. I can't. Pretty Sick Snooze. I'm Johnson. And I'm Schmitty. Have a Merry Christmas.

And a Happy New Year. Happy Hanukkah. Happy. H-A-B-B-Y. What's up? Joey Molnero on the pod. Happy, happy, happy. Hey, happy holidays.

Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. You know how it is. You in the spirit this year? Oh, I'm always in the spirit. I had a few people message me after you tagged me, and I reposted, and they were like, uh-oh. You know what time it is?

I was like, you know, express rolls, Christmas, Thanksgiving. We got to get together and do a show. We're holiday bitches. It's just what we do. You're in the spirit, full go. Oh, dude, can got to get together and do a show. We're holiday bitches. It's just what we do. You're in the spirit, full go. Oh, dude, can't get enough of it. My house looks like the North Pole. You were there.

Yeah, it's nice. Good tree placement. Thanks. You've got more than one? Uh-huh. Yeah, you got to have more than one tree. Got two. Have you seen the movie Jingle all the way?

No. Wait. Is that Schwarzenegger? Yeah. I've seen clips of it. Somebody tagged me and they're like, this is a Ben and Joey

whole movie together. And I was like, dude, you need to watch it's hilarious. Sinbad, dude. Sinbad, hysterical. Who's funnier?

Phil Hartman. Awesome. Rest in peace. You need to watch that with like Coach P or something. Yeah, no. That's a throw on on like December 23rd maybe even Christmas Eve you know movies on Christmas Eve are a big thing do you do you go into that do you go to

the movies on Christmas Eve ever no it's like a tradition for a lot of families like we gotta go to the movies it's crazy I always thought like I feel like when I was 12 or 13 for time it that range, 17, I don't know. But I started realizing that people I started seeing on Facebook, people were like, oh, the old annual movie Christmas day trip. When did that start? Yeah, I was like, the movies should be closed.

I was like, you people are freaks. You're not at home playing with your presents, you're not in the movies. They're like, what else are we going to do? I'm like, play with your shit? Yeah, it's never a movie they want to see either. It's just like a forced, like, I guess we'll see Rocky Balboa this year. Like, the one day a year where you're just supposed to stay at home and you get all this shit.

They're like, no, we got to go spend more money on the movie. Me and my dad tried that one time. It was just me and him. Guys left halfway through. Typical, listen, through. Typical Coach P moment here. He has a fire going. Christmas Eve. We're like, well, why don't we try

the tradition? We don't have shit going on. I guess it went Christmas Eve. I thought it was Christmas Day. But for you guys, you do everything all fucking. It's all weird. Christmas Day is even weirder. I thought it was Christmas Eve. Christmas Day? Why areirder. I thought it was Christmas Eve. Christmas Day?

Dude, yeah. Why are they open? Fuck off. They're like, well, everybody has off work. I mean, what else are we going to do? I'm like, literally what I just said. Stay at home. Stay at home and shut the hell up.

Like, eat food. Play with your video games. You know, roll around in the wrapping paper. Yeah, make a snow angel with all the bows and shit. And be a normal stupid but we went we tried it christmas eve all right christmas eve we tried it was totally unplanned it was just like we're just like let's just do it i mean everybody's trying it maybe there's something we want to see there might actually been a movie that we were like a little bit

interested in and it was definitely rocky balboa and then we uh we went and the line was so long, we just left. So we waited in the line for like 18 minutes, saw like two dudes from high school I knew, and then we just left. And we're like, well, we went to the movies on Christmas. But we just didn't see shit. It was perfect. Waiting in line.

No, we came. We saw. Didn't conquer. We're gone. We definitely would have left halfway, though. Every function I've ever been to with my dad, besides church. The one where you want to leave early, he don't want to leave early. I'll never forget the time I was like, can we leave after communion?

I don't think he talked to me for like two weeks. I was like, damn. So did you hold his hand during peace? During the Our Father? Never have. If I tried to touch my dad, he'd probably just... I don't even know. The one... That makes so much sense for him.

The one place where everybody wants to leave early, he stays. Then like a Colts game, he's like, oh, halftime, about ready to go. First quarter. If I had enough of this, what do you think we'd catch the rest on NFL Network? Beat traffic. Everything's so backwards, man. I'm like, why don't you want to stay?

He's like, it's just the high fives and I don't know. The high fives, dude! That's what you do at a football game. I know. He sits. His seats are like the place where all the Colts crazy ass fans are too. He's the only one sitting down. Everybody else has face paint on and shit.

Wearing khakis and a buttoned up shirt. Every time they score, the crowd goes crazy. Look at my dad, he goes. I'm like, dude, you're at the game. You're at the game. Where that is happening. He's like, I just can't believe it. I'm like, you bought the game. You're at the game where that is happening. He's like, I just can't believe it. I'm like, you bought the tickets.

I can't believe what? That they scored or that the celebration? I just can't believe the commotion after the touchdown. Your dad's definitely the dude that when he was coaching, like literally could have scored a game-winning touchdown to like win the conference championship, and the camera would cut to him, and he was literally just like, literally could have scored a game-winning touchdown to, like, win the conference championship, and the camera would, you know, cut to him, and he's literally just, like, chewing his gum.

Not good enough. Not doing nothing. Win the Super Bowl. Not doing nothing. Not good enough. You know, like that Larry Bird clip where, like, Reggie Miller, whoever hit that game-winning shot, and Larry Bird's just like... That's so weird.

Like, how are you not... Right. You're already thinking, like, get back on defense. Are you not human? Like, celebrate, you freak. That one Villanova coach that one year. Yeah. After a huge shot to win the national championship.

He was like, all right. Yep. Like, looking to go shake the coach's hand. Bro. Smile. Hey, have a little fun. I'm a Colt. I can't smile.

All about business. Colt. You were at the Colts game. I'm a Colt. I can't smile. All about business. Colt. You were at the Colts game. That was crazy. Yeah. That might have been the best game I've ever been to. Yeah.

I mean, I was watching on TV at the sixth Christmas party of the weekend that I had to go to. You were stacked. Yeah. I was literally playing Santa Claus, looking up at the screen while I was like, Oh, Jonathan Taylor. You got a good Santa Claus. Oh, thanks, dude. Yeah. But so I played, I played Santa at this party.

How many years in a row have you done? I think it was on my fifth year. Damn. Master. Right. But every year there's something that's like fucked up with the costume or something, you know? And so like this year they didn't have any pillows

or, like, fat stuffing things, so it was just, like, skinny Santa. And then they didn't have any boots or, like, black coverings for my shoes, so Santa was just rocking Reeboks. What kind of Reeboks? Like, workout shoes? These are literally the ones on my feet right now. Just casual white Reeboks. Yeah, the kids are just like, Santa, wear your boots.

I was like, oh, Mrs. Claus forgot to pack them. Just blame everything on my wife. Kids believe fucking anything, dude. Yeah, but then, of course, the bag didn't open, so I have the entire party, all the kids just staring at me

because there's a knot in the bag, right? I'm sweating my dick off in this Santa costume just trying to watch the Colts game half wine drunk. Ankle socks on or some shit. Ankle socks on with Reeboks trying to get this open. Can't get it open and so then it just becomes like Santa fucking comedy

hour. God damn it. So now literally I'm doing five minutes in a Santa costume trying to entertain these people because I can't get the fucking bag open. Dude. Nightmare. You're shooting a set out there dressed as Santa. a set out there seriously yeah i was like just blaming mrs claus for everything and like yeah what were the kids doing did they find did they they were trying to you know how kids are they were trying to really get into the bag well like two or three of the kids they were like five and younger so like i mean when you're

five like as long as somebody's wearing a beard and has the hat on, you're like, oh my God. But then the rest of the kids that are like eight and older are like, yeah, it's fucking Joey. I just saw him. What are we doing here?

Your back. I can't even imagine how sweaty your back was the whole time. Dude. And so they give me the glasses to wear, right? But then I have the beard and the hat and everything. And so like they give me the glasses to wear, right? But then I have like the beard and the hat and everything

and you walk inside from being cold outside and then it's warm inside and you're hot as shit so that my glasses start fogging up so I can't see anything. So I literally

take my glasses off. They get caught in my hair. Just a scene, dude. But you know what? We power through, dude. And we just kept hitting them with the ho, ho, ho. That's all what? Merry Christmas. We power through, dude, and we just kept hitting them with the... That's all you gotta do.

Joke bombs. Throw the hose at them. When I was... When there was bombing, when I was trying to kill time, you know, oh, dude, you'll love this. I don't know if you will or not. So there's like this 10-year-old kid,

and he was decked out in Michigan gear. He's a huge Michigan football fan. It was his turn to come see Santa and everything, and I was like, Oh, what's your name? He was like, Brody. I was like, Brody, I think I know what you want for Christmas. An Orange Bowl win for the Wolverines.

He was just like, yeah. Everybody was like, ah! Had his ass. All the moms and everything. And he was just like, yeah. And everybody was like, ah. Had his ass. Right? And all the moms and everything were like, oh, yeah, yeah. Boom. Yep. And then I was like, that'll be tough to fit down the chimney,

but let me see what I can do. Dude. Yeah. Closer. Yeah, dude. And then when I was leaving, right, Santa couldn't get the fucking door unlocked. Dude, you were a wreck.

Yes. You were half-blind. Yeah, but like, so the door wasn't opening, so Santa was having trouble. Everybody was just looking at me, and they were like, It's the top one, Santa! And I was like, This is why I come down the chimney! It's much easier! Yeah, dude, I got all

in character. You killed. Hey, dude. You brought it home. I'm a method actor, man. When people want me to play a role, I get in the role You killed. You brought it home. I'm a method actor, man. When people want me to play a role, I get in the role, dude. Ankle socks on in the role. The ride over there, when Rye, she helped me get ready and she

drove me over back to the house. I was like, I didn't respond unless she called me Santa. I'm a method actor, dude. Straight face the whole time. Anyways, that was my weekend so yeah i'm in the spirit dude i'm jolly that's good man you can't not be in the spirit when you dress as santa and do all that shit look at wave one with a little santa cap on the one perfect yeah i love that little accent shit is the best part about christmas especially yeah dude when you see the

santa hat or like some little candy candy canes hanging off of a logo, and everybody has like, oh, that's it. I just have to step foot in the mall, and I'm like, I'm there. I'm here. You know what's a bummer, though, dude? I was watching football over the weekend, and they really have quieted down the Christmas graphics. I love when there's lights on the scoreboard in the corner. I'm like, that's what I need.

That's why I'm watching. Don't they have a Christmas tone they play when they go in and out of commercials too? Is it Christmassy? They'll kind of have some of the jingle bells and stuff, but all Fox did this year is now usually the Fox NFL, where it's black and yellow.

They just switch it to red and green, which is fine. But I'm like, I want the timeouts being Christmas lights. Right. And every time one goes out, one of them breaks. Oh shit.

They did that. Yes. I want the Fox robot back with the Santa hat on tackles the snowman. Do you remember that? No. Laying on top of the scoreboard or whatever. Like, dude,

what are we doing? It's the best part about the game. Yeah. yeah and it's just they really have just like quieted it down i'm like all right i guess you guys are scrooges now man whatever yeah i don't know anyways fox was nice with it but yeah the game the colts game over the weekend of course there's a guy behind me dressed as michael myers the whole entire time that was so it was so perfect like i said i was still like half drunk from the bender and from the Christmas party, and I'm just laughing my ass off at this dude on your story just dressed like Michael Myers. The mask.

That's the funniest mask of all time. He didn't talk the whole game. Didn't say it. Didn't break character once. That's it. Except for when me and Chiller were taking a picture. He was like, can I get in that? I was like, the most polite thing.

See, if you're going to wear the Michael Myers mask, you have to stay in character. You cannot talk. No, I don't even know if he blinked. It's part of it. Cheered, nothing. That's so funny. Yeah.

You guys wear the soccer jerseys out there, huh? Mm-hmm. Hey, football or football? I'm surprised you didn't get in a fight, man. You were getting into some of those pats fans faces i know i could i couldn't believe like like you got one of those guys i know one of those guys stabbed me already you know one of those guys had like with a knife on his belt look you know and they're pats fans pretty standard so they were like getting all you know real

mass hole type stuff seemed to be quite a few Pats fans there, though. It's like half the stadium. Really? Yeah, they travel. When I was driving around downtown beforehand, it was a pretty popping scene downtown Indy. It was. And there was quite a few Pats fans I saw walking around.

Yeah, man. Yeah, it was cool. Colts, we're... Ben and Joey on the fan. Colts talk radio. Colts, we're Ben and Joey on the fan. Colts talk radio. Colts talk radio. Let's get to the espresso quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. What's something that you want for Christmas,

but you're too embarrassed to put on your list? And this can be in the past. It can be now. Dude, I was thinking about this when I saw you post it because I wanted to have something good on it. And I was like, my whole list is embarrassing. I literally have action figures on my list as a 28-year-old man. Like Star Wars shit?

Action figures and, like, football cards. That's the first thing. Okay, you're me in fifth grade. Yeah. But I still, I don't think guys ever put that down. Guys always want action figures and shit. It doesn't matter. I mean, but literally to my mom, one of the four things, I was like, yeah, I guess I could

use a Captain Rex six inch black series. Like if I unwrapped like a Iron man action figure for christmas i'd be like fuck yeah but i'd be like whoa this is crazy what but then like low-key deep down i'd be playing with it like two minutes later oh i don't play with it it stays in the box i would play with it yeah you know but so my entire list is nothing but embarrassing things. Seriously, my sister hit me up. You're in the car again. She's on the Secret Santa, yeah, and she was just like, what's something that's, like, small?

And I was like, a few packs of football cards. A pack of Tops? Yeah. I mean, yeah, so still 10 years old. There's nothing like opening up a pack of cards when you're, like, 12, though. You should try it now, dude. It's still pretty high. It's better now?

Why are the cards so sharp? And they smell so good. They do, man. Open up a pack of cards and just put them up to your face. Look at this guy in the spirit. I love it. Ho, ho, ho. Motor in.

I'll just come back. Okay, so let's see what the peep said. Wait, what about you, though? I'm too embarrassed to say that I need a root canal. Are you serious? Dead serious. How do you eat? How do you do anything?

I'm a right-side chewer. So is it on the right side? No, it's on the left. Bro, you got to take care of that, man. It's happening. It's happening it's happening it's gonna get infected like they they went in there and cleaned it up a little bit but it's just temporary the eagle don't got any benefits there right side you or baby yeah it's it's where it's getting there it's a process damn man that was old rudy now i feel like you

know mine was just like some silly bullshit. Now I'm like concerned for you. I don't think it's that... It's not that big of a deal, honestly. All right. Whatever you say, man. Do you ever get cavities? Probably.

You don't know. If you don't know, you don't. Like, you have to get fillings ever at the dentist? Dude, my teeth were going strong for like 20 years Dude you have like the best teeth of all time No they suck though sometimes Like all of a sudden I'll be like god damn what is that And then I'll like let it ride for a week

And I'll be like I probably need to go to the dentist And they're like yeah you need your whole jaw reconstructed Well see I grind my teeth at night So sometimes like I can wake up And like I've been grinding And so like it'll fucking hurt my backside But then it'll go away Grinding I grind my teeth at night, so sometimes I can wake up and I've been grinding, and so it'll fucking hurt my backside and stuff. I've been grinding. But then it'll go away.

Grinding. Grind, don't stop. Not grinding at work, just grinding in my sleep. I grind in my sleep, bro. All right. Let's see what our dog, Heyo Mayo Mayo Maine had for the question of the week. What do I

really want for Christmas, but I'm too embarrassed to actually ask for it? Money. Just give me your fucking cash. The best invention for Christmas is the Visa gift card.

Because before, people would just give you gift cards for specific places. Like, oh shit, well now I have to go to Applebee's to have a gift card. So now you can just spend it on whatever you want. Also, include the receipt in case I hate

your shitty gift. True. Sorry, I'm mean. Damn. That was... What's your take on gift cards, though? Like, is it like a, eh, I don't fucking know. Or is it like, oh.

Gift card is nice when it's just like something from, you know, like an aunt that probably has no business still getting you a gift, but she still, like, wants to be nice and everything. So you're like, oh, hell yeah.

Like, 25 bucks to Speedway. Cool. Thanks. But if it's somebody you love. Right, but So you're like, oh, hell yeah, like $25 to Speedway. Cool. Thanks. But if it's somebody you love. Right, but if it's like, if your mom gave you a gift card. Yeah, there's nobody to give a shit about. Yeah, right. If it's like your significant other or like your mom, you're like, wow, you don't give a shit about me.

One year, we just asked my dad. for he's like what do you guys want come on come on it's christmas come on we're just like fuck it gift cards so they're just like 19 envelopes under the tree that i mean they could be cool they could be cool there's a space for them but i think it has to be in that area you know or like a stocking stuffer if that's the main thing that's rough also i'm not big on just the cash like i i love the the whole process of like seeing the box of the gift opening it up you know what i mean having something material there like i think that's kind of part of it yeah money is weird on christmas sometimes i have a few buddies that they're like yeah like my parents they just throw me like you know three hundred parents, they just throw me $300

and I just go buy what I want. There's so many people like that. I just get their credit card and go to the mall and it's my Christmas. I'm like, so what are you unrapped? There's always a kid like that. I'm like, your family's weird. You just bought three jerseys that finish on. That's not fun at all.

Dude, it's cool. I'd rather open a gift that I'm just kind of meh about than, like, have somebody give me $50 for me to go buy something that I really want. I don't know. It's about the process of it, man. It's, like, part of Christmas. The unwrap. Yeah.

Let's go next. Caleb T. What are you embarrassed about on your Christmas list? Okay, real talk. I'm embarrassed to talk about it in general, let alone ask him for Christmas. But I lost 130 pounds, and I got a lot of loose skin, and I need to get some scissors to this stuff. I always think about that.

Damn. When people lose a shitload of weight, I'm like, damn, that's impressive. But what about everything else? Yeah. Damn, that's a good point. Some scissors to this shit. Yeah, I mean, that is a tough ask, dude. Hey, speaking of Santa, how does he fit that down the chimney, you know?

Like a little surgery? I don't know, dude. The old nip-tuck for Caleb T. Well, good for you for losing the weight, man. You know? Good luck the rest of the way. Good for you. All right, let's go Colton Dover.

What are you embarrassed to ask for for Christmas? I'm at work, and I don't want to get in trouble. But here is something that I wanted for Christmas. Works at a library. Now it's ASMR. I was too embarrassed to get in trouble. But here is something that I wanted for Christmas. It works on a library. Now it's ASMR. And I was too embarrassed to ask for it. I wanted a lightsaber. A real one.

Like the ones they make in a fucking factory. Like the fucking fire swords. I basically just wanted a fucking blowtorch for Christmas. I don't think I could have gotten that because of the you know, certifications to wield

one, but I wanted a lightsaber. Yeah. If he would have said that normally, I'd have been like, this guy's a geek. Talk to me. But he whispered to us like, damn. Talk to me, man. He's a psychopath.

I got one of those. Little Kylo Ren, man. Ready to go. I think he wanted like a black market. Like an actual laser sword? Yeah, that you could like probably kill a couple people with on accident. Yeah. Yep, same here.

I don't know where to go for that. Dude, it's a Darth. I'm not a big Star Wars guy, but I do. I've seen the movies when I was like 10 and shit. It's that Darth Maul one. The two-headed joint, when they came out with that when i saw that preview and i was like who is that yeah that one goes hard but like they do uh have like the black series versions that are the most realistic that you can get and so i have the kylo ren one i asked for that for my birthday

i was used to the one that just like folded out yeah you know it's all stacked up in there it's can get and so I have the Kylo Ren one I asked for that for my birthday I was used to the one that just like folded out yeah you know it's all stacked up in there it's like the plastic ones yeah it's like a cane we got the real shit now with the real Hilt and everything it's great Hilt does it make them a button to make noise uh-huh yeah multiple Yeah. Multiple or just one? Just one. Yeah. But it has different features and noises, like different versions of the noise. Yeah.

It's good. It's a good thing to ask for. It's a good collector. I feel like you've got to buy it. That's something that would be out of stock just everywhere. Like right now, if you're trying to find a lightsaber somewhere, it's gone. Yeah. Especially one like that.

All right. Let's keep going alkaline bro what are you embarrassed to ask for for christmas i really want that underwear i forget who makes it but it's like it like holds your junk in place it like holds it in like a pouch uh which is great because like otherwise you're really fucking sweaty down there. I think I've seen that on an Instagram ad. So that's tough on a few levels because, one, asking for underwear is kind of just like, eh, that sucks, but, two, then you're admitting that basically you got sweaty junk and sweaty ass. Got to have the pouch these days.

Yeah, tough. I go strictly compression shorts now. I can't find my underwear. Like you can't find it in your apartment? No, like I just can't find my. I'm like, I'm not a boxer brief guy. I'm not a boxers guy. I've never been that.

Not a tighty-whities guy. I just go straight up compression shorts. Like Nike Pro. Interesting. What do you do? Boxer briefs. They just constrict my movement or something like that. I feel like my stride, I can't stride out.

Or they're ripping or something. Yeah, they do rip fairly easily. Then you just keep them. Everybody has the pair of bad underwear they don't want to put on, but they just keep wearing it when all their laundry's in the washer and shit. Yeah, it's like your Tuesday underwear. You're like, God damn it, these again? Mm-hmm. You just got to get through until you do laundry again,

and then you don't have to see them for like a month. For like two days. Pascaline Rodriguez. What are you embarrassed to ask for for Christmas? I want a boyfriend Not gonna get one

after that Hey, when you want a boyfriend, guess what? He's gonna be a piece of shit When you don't want a boyfriend, that's when you want a boyfriend, guess what? He's going to be a piece of shit. When you don't want a boyfriend, that's when you get a boyfriend. Yep. I can't even, I can't add anything else to that. It's perfect. Relationship talk 101 with Schmitty and

Johnson. Alright, let's keep going. A couple more. Hold on though. That feels like, I mean, really? Like that feels like such a fake like Hallmark, like cheesy ass Christmas movie. The friend that's just like, well, I asked for a boyfriend, but Santa's not doing that this year, I guess. People really want that kind of shit?

You want a boyfriend that bad? You know what you're going to get? A piece of shit. You can't force having a boyfriend. Come on. For Christmas. Yeah having a boyfriend. Come on. For Christmas. Yeah, all right. Next one, please.

Matt Robert. Or Robert. Jesus Christ. Matt Robert, actually. He's dyslexic. What do you want for Christmas, but you're too embarrassed to ask for? Something I want for Christmas that I'm too embarrassed to ask for something I want for Christmas that I'm too embarrassed to ask for now not really embarrassed I just don't want to give in basically admit that

my mom was right do you know how growing up like you would have that aunt or like your fucking grandma that would give you socks for Christmas and as as a little kid, you're like, what the fuck am I going to do with these? I don't want socks. But then as you get older, like nowadays, I would kill for like a nice new six-pack of high-top socks. But I don't want to give in. I don't want to admit like that was an ideal gift.

So I'm too embarrassed, really, just too prideful to ask for them now. I'll probably just go buy them myself. With the gift card that you get from your aunt. But Matt Robert, that's so true. Yeah, no, I got socks on my list. I do. Like, what kind of, what are you looking for? Just all black, not even brand name, just all black. black there's a certain one they're comfy as hell

they don't fall down when i wear like no brand name really not the not the nike joins are too tough dude they make them too like constrictive and too no show like i need i don't need a show but i needed to come up over my heel enough to where it's not gonna fall down when i'm walking around in my shoe. Yeah, you got to put down some real money for those. Yeah. You can't just get cheap. You can't get cheap, like, ankle, like, low socks like that.

They never work. No. The socks that slip. But Nike, dude, but Nike, the Nike ones do that for me. They're too, they try to be too you know no show two ankle sock yeah and they're like way low they're like ballerina slippers yeah pretty much dude i need i need something to come up enough over the heel comfy good plus when it's just black you know it's just black sock simple something about no show socks they can't be white they just look weird when

they're white yeah i agree best sock of all time that nike mid white sock that you like wear to bed that your dad has like 19 000 pairs of my dad has unlimited socks yeah you might have 80 pairs all white mid all white mid nike dude i hate never worn the white the white sock with the yellow toe what are we doing like you stepped in some shit what are we doing why yellow why is that there oh like they make it like that yes why would they ever uh i don't know random color uh how about snot yellow let's make it look like uh the dribble from his piss just got on his toe when he was peeing like what put it on the shelves that's so copper toe huh what is that

doing my ass dude the gray tip not bad i don't even really now i think about it though i don't even have white socks i have no pairs of whites do socks. Do you at least have the black Nike mid with the white swoosh? No, dude. I got no name brand. On socks? You're just out? Oh, because your shoes don't match it? I really fucked your head up with that comment I made to you in high school.

Just give me a bunch of no brand socks. I'm not showing them off too much. Just give me the fucking comfy no brand ones that I I can get a lot of where do you even get those so like shoe carnival or something target oh damn yeah target socks you've been to shoe carnival I don't want a minute fucking ridiculous they got I mean they have like rides in there yeah it was a party for sure. Like third grade shopping for the Chris Webber Dada's. Yeah, where do you find them? Where'd you find that?

I just remember running around that store. My mom's like, you like them? Run around in them for a little bit. I'm like, what is this going to do? Four steps. Oh, my God. Those are comfy. Make or break in those four steps.

Some defensive slides. Come on. You got to be able to move in them. Slap the floor. Get in a 2-3 zone. See are comfy. Make or break in those four steps. Some defensive slides. Come on. You got to be able to move in them. Slap the floor. Get in a 2-3 zone. See if you like them or not. Which, by the way, I think, I don't know if you remember on Friday night, we were doing floor slabs and slides and foot fires.

Hey, when six guys get together and have one beer, what do you do? Start a full court press. I think that got the people underneath us to leave us that sign on my door. Shit. I forgot you had people underneath you. Yeah. I did too. Every time I'm in your apartment, I'm like, this whole thing's your apartment, not just

this one unit. Well, yeah. Sign left on our door. Loudest imbecile award. Congrats on being the fucking worst. Huge cardboard sign. Are you serious you serious taped to our door like you understand the situation here it's friday night christmas party yeah imbecile dude i was who the fuck says they didn't and they didn't leave a unit number they didn't leave their number their name nothing, nothing. Oh, yeah. You know why? They're giant pussies. That's why.

Dude, I was mulling art. I was hot. I was going door to door. What would have... Oh, no way. You got a problem? Dude, I was going door to door with a sign. I was knocking hard as shit on people's doors. You got nobody? Oh, they looked through the little hole for sure.

Well, people, like, some people answered and were just like, no, I don't know. I'm so sorry. But then, like, a lot of people didn't answer. I was like, yeah, you fucking pussies. I went down to the room that's directly below us, I guess, which isn't even that directly below us.

And I was like, kicking it and shit. Hey! Yeah. And they're dumbasses too, dude. There's a camera literally in our hallway that's just directly looking at our doorway. I was too, dude. There's a camera literally in our hallway that's just directly looking at our doorway. I was like, yeah, nice.

Check out that footage. Anyways, let's finish it up. All right, one more. John Benstent, what are you embarrassed to ask for for Christmas? I needed Beano for all my fart gas for Christmas and it was just too embarrassing. Damn, son. What is Beano for all my fart gas for Christmas, and it was just too embarrassing. Damn, son.

What is Beano, dude? Beano's like the legit gas X. You know what gas X is? Like Axe body spray? Gas X. No. It's like when you have bad gas all day, you just take a little pill or something,

or you chew on something. It's like acid reflex, but for gas. You've you've never done that no i had it bad one time you're just a little gassy i was just it's always the day that you like have something planned with a girl a girl that night so my dumb ass i kind of thought this would happen that i'd hang out with her later on and i didn't really know, though. So during the day, like in the morning, 10 a.m. to noon, it was weird. I was just like pounding raisins. I was like, I don't know what's going to happen.

We'll figure it out. I was just smashing raisins. And then the whole rest of the day, it was like, it was going to happen. And I'm just like, holy shit, what do I do? What do I do? So I just like drink half of a Pepto-Bismol. Nice. I mean, the pink stuff, it's good.

Commercial, when the pink like goes over the bladder, I'm like, I need that right now. It looks real good, yeah. It didn't taste too bad either, but just, it was in the car. It was like, don't take more than like one little dose each hour. So each hour I was just on my shit. I was setting timers and shit like that.

So what happened? You get with her and you were just shitting all over the place? No, man. The Pepto did it. Pepto did it? You don't need Beano, bro.

Pepto. Pepto. On the low. Everything ends in a no. No Gaso, no Fardo. Just take Pepto. On the low.

Let's go. On the low. no fardo, just take Pepto. Oh, no. Let's go. Oh, no. Oh, no. Those are pretty solid. There's some stuff that I could see being legitimately embarrassed about. Yeah. Be no. But be no, yeah.

I mean, you know, tell your mom about it. Have her slip that in your stocking. No one will have to know. It'll be your guys' little secret. I can't believe you didn't know about that. I think a lot of people do that. Yeah, it'll fall out of your stocking, and you'll to know it'll be your guys little secret i think i can't believe you didn't know about that i think a lot of people do that you know it'll fall out of your stocking and you'll like kind of cover it up and you'll look at your mom and she'll like super hot cocoa and be like give you a little smirk and you're like wow okay thanks mom nobody has to know your

ass smells and then your dick ass your dick at your dickhead sister who's like what is that is that because you shit your pants all the time holy shit when people fart at this age I just think they have like a mental problem when people out loud like just in public right I'm like there's something wrong with you bro you know you're around somebody that just lets it go like that? Like, you didn't give me a fucking wave, a laugh. Dude, you at least got to walk away, you know? Like, hey, up, up, walk out the door. Sure, like, you know, go at least towards the bathroom, like in the hallway or something. You're just sitting there letting them chop.

Yeah, no, that's fucked up. Yeah, it is. And you're just like, gross. But when you're like eight, let them quack, bro. Oh, yeah, dude. It was like a competition every Friday night. That's so weird. I'd be so uncomfortable if I did that shit still. What'd you do, son?

Well, hey, here we go. This guy. This guy. This guy. This guy. Yeah. But yeah, I did that up until like last year. I was going to say, you and Joe King, tell me you're not farting, dude.

Tell me you're not farting. You just see a guy, you're like, you know, he's just farting out loud. Oh, yeah. You got fart face. Yep. It's all in the body movements. Let's go to the viral. I like totals.

Apparently I've never been on live television before. But first, remember the Espresso podcast is brought to you by Wave 1 Media. If you want to start your own show, visit thewave1.com viral show. Hashtag Santa's night before Christmas.

So what's he doing the night before Christmas? Santa's night before, yeah. The night before Christmas Eve. What's his pregame? Because Christmas Eve is the night, like he's going out Christmas Eve. Yeah, Christmas Eve, he's just chilling. But like December 23rd, that's like his...

That's like his pregame. Pregame starts now, fellas. Yeah, like his speech, right? He's talking to all the elves. All right, hey, listen up in the back. Reindeer. Blitzen, shut the hell up. Eyes here.

Blitzen just shitting everywhere. Dude, you know the reindeer is just... Pieces of shit, reindeer. They're all jacking around. everywhere. Dude, you know the reindeer is just pieces of shit everywhere, dude. God, they're all jacking around. You know they're like the wide receivers of the...

You guys, we gotta shut the hell up, alright? We got business to take care of. Just divas. Practicing their fucking touchdown

dances in the locker room. They know that like, yeah, dude, divas. Reindeers are such divas, man. Rudolph is just the Chad Ochocinco.

Oh, God. Give me a break, Rudolph, with your red-ass nose. Shut up. Yeah. Take a play off. I think December 23rd, Santa and Mrs. Claus are like, that's their sexy night, you know? Like, they're firing up, like, a spa, like, a hot tub.

Oh, they're going to one of those, like, sexy hotels? Yeah. Like, with the bathtub that looks like a flower or something? Yeah. They're putting the Santa hat on the doorknob, you know? And all the elves are like, well, we can't go talk to the big man tonight. It's his special night before. Let's just keep making these toys and eating eel fudge cookies.

We're not going to make Deadline. There's too many of them. Keebler, what do you think? All the fucking elves, buddy. Yeah, no. Should we knock? Ding dong ditch? We're going to get in trouble with the old fat guy. Can't go talk to the pig man tonight.

Dude, yeah, all the elves hate Santa. They do. Low key, because he's their boss and they just call him a fat ass all the time. Like behind his back. Make that bite, Keebler! He's like, fuck off. Then he's like, yes, sir! Hey, you got

it. You got it, boss. Anything else for you? Need any cookies? No, I'm trying to watch my diet. Yeah, that's right, fat ass. Is it a huffy or a schwin? We got some pretty good elf voices, dude. That's not bad. Nice.

That's not bad at all. Cindy Lou Who? I'll show you, Grinch bitch. The elves hate everybody. The whole toxic ass North Pole, dude. What's Santa's house look like? Yeah, dude. Is it an igloo? A real work environment? Oh, dude. What's Santa's house look like? Yeah, dude. Is it an igloo?

A real work environment? Oh, no. It's like magical. Dude, everybody thinks the elves are just jolly and happy to be there, but they're all like... Dude, they're all complaining about their wages and shit going on strike. They're all drunk as fuck when they're making toys. Dude, Fred Claus, I know you haven't seen it, so I'm not even going to ask, but Fred Claus at the North Pole there, they have a bar.

It's called, like, Frosty's Tavern, dude. It's like the elves are getting drunk as shit at Frosty's. I'm like, hell yeah, that's my North Pole. That's so funny. Santa's a piece of shit, too. Dude, and, like, the bartender elf there is like exactly what you think. Kind of an overweight elf that has like a beard.

You know? What do you want? Yeah. He's the only one that doesn't talk like this, you know? Oh, no, he's brute. What do you want?

The usual? Yeah, he like talks like he's from New York. Every bartender's secretly from New York somehow. Everywhere. And if they're not, they still act like it.

How you doing? How you doing? Frankie! All of them are like that. Little Frankie! Merry Christmas! What are you having? Frankie!

Yeah, dude. Then, like, the elves are, like, hooking up and shit. You know. Yeah, dude. Then the elves are hooking up and shit. Cindy Lou's the ho-ho-ho of the group. Cindy Lou's not an elf, bro. What is she? She lives in Whoville. I thought she was an elf. No.

Is there a girl elf? I mean, there are girl elves. Is there like a notable? I don't know. Not that I don't think so. Our elf game. Yeah, we need to get up on that. Where do you think Santa ranks in popularity?

I was thinking about this. Does it go Jesus, Santa, Le LeBron? Like of popular figures. And just like for kids in the world? Just in the world, yeah. Most popular things for people. I mean, everybody knows Santa. Everybody knows Jesus. I think Santa might be above Jesus.

I'm just going to clip that part of this podcast. I think Santa might be above Jesus. I mean, hey, obviously not in a sacrilegious way, but just in terms of every kid in the world loves that jolly MF because he's actively every year, Jesus is giving you grace and everything, forgave your sins, but Santa's fitting a fucking PlayStation down the street. Yeah, who doesn't like that?

Yeah. So that's a tangible thing that kids are just like, hell yeah, Santa, Jesus, fuck off. Same guy. For Jesus' big deal, we get an Easter bunny that just brings us candy. Easter bunny might be topping Jesus there too. It's Santa, Jesus, you know? Easter Bunny might be topping Jesus there, too. It's Santa, Jesus.

What else we got? Tough fight, tough fight, tough fight. Maybe like a George Washington or something. Everybody kind of knows him. I don't know. He's kind of like problematic now. Yeah. Maybe LeBron's up there.

LeBron. Might be some soccer players. LeBron over Jordan, probably. LeBron just seems like... Yeah. Yeah. Maybe LeBron's up there. Soccer players. LeBron over Jordan, probably. LeBron just seems like. Yeah. Yeah. Santa, Jesus, LeBron. Messi.

Neymar. Mr. Clean or something. You know, just someone. And Addison Rae. Chuck E. Cheese. All right, just someone, just someone. And Addison Rae. Chuck E. Cheese. All right, that's America in 2021.

Santa, Jesus, LeBron, and Addison Rae. That's seriously it. That's all he needs. That's it. All right, let's do days of the week.

Da, da, da, da. Days of the week. What? We only get one viral? Where are we at on time? I'm just guessing. Yeah, we have been getting close to an hour. We're going to get in a couple more virals. That's fine.

Hashtag at the Christmas office party. Ooh. Dude, have you ever seen that? Have you ever seen that guy? You probably haven't. But literally, there's a movie, Office Christmas Party. What? Like Jason Bateman and Olivia Munn.

Jimmy Butler's randomly in it. Shut up. What is it? Office Christmas Party. Jimmy Butler's in it? I don't think so, no. Jennifer Aniston's in it. Yeah. He's a campy. I don't think so, no. Jennifer Aniston's in it. It's a big cast and crew.

Anyways, it's just about a giant rager of a Christmas party at an office. Seems like they all kind of are like that. I never wanted to go. Now, I feel like everybody is trying to avoid a problem, so they have them from 11 to 12.30 during the day on like a thursday yeah the times when office christmas parties were like 8 p.m to whenever like a random bar yeah yeah that is that is problematic though there's always one girl with her head in her hands at like 8 30 you're like holy shit cynthia bro. Cynthia from accounting.

You want to talk about freaks come out at night there, dude. Yeah, that's when the weirdos that work two cubicles over, that's when they make their move. You don't hear it. It's like the person that doesn't ever talk. I think we could have fun. Facebook message. I think we could have fun now that we're out of the office.

Weirdo. Christmas party? I'll out of the office. Weirdo. Christmas party? I'll buy you a drink. I know. They're free. The quietest guy just ripping it on karaoke. Like too many times. I didn't know Jim.

Yeah. The first one, we're like, whoa, Jim. And then by the third time he's up there, we're like, shut the fuck up. Jim, I didn't know you liked ACDC this much. Shut the fuck up, guy. Yeah, Office Christmas Party, man. This morning Christmas. I've gone to one Office Christmas Party in my life.

That was like an actual one. Like I said, not one of those bullshit. There will be food and festive um craft making things from 11 to 12 30 i went to one actual one and it was a casino night theme because christmas casino night so there's like you know blackjack tables there and shit where was it emma's dude right in the front lobby christmas casino yeah and it was on on a Friday night at like 8 p.m. And that's exactly what happened. I found myself at Nine Irish Brothers at like 3 a.m.

With coworkers. And we were doing Irish car bombs. And it was just... And I never came back to work. See you Monday, Molinaro. First thing. My office. Fuck.

I think that's what they're trying to avoid. Hashtag Christmas house party don'ts. I saw you put down there, don't take your shoes off. Don't take your shoes off to see old yellow toe. We had that Christmas party and one of the guests, she came in and she asked my wife, she was like, do you need us to take our shoes off? And we were like, no, keep them on forever.

What planet are you on? This is not your grandma's. This is not your Italian grandma's house. Also, it's just hardwood floors, so don't. If it was carpet, maybe, but hardwood floors, who gives a shit? It's so weird. That is such a weird thing, taking your shoes off. I don't even take, I don't think I take my shoes off.

I haven't in so many years. Just like once you pass a certain age, you're like, no. Only time I take my shoes off is when I'm going to sleep. For real, in your house? Yeah. And what's funny is that my wife is the exact opposite. She's like, shoes off, socks off whenever she can. I'm like, you're a freak.

It kind of feels good to have them on. Is that weird? I have like an attachment issue with shit like that. Well, you just want to, you know, have them run over by a tire. That's all you're thinking. I didn't know we were going to bring that up. That's what you're too embarrassed to ask for for Christmas. Yeah, can somebody squeeze my foot?

Can somebody steamroll my foot? That's what I really want embarrassed to ask for for Christmas. Yeah, can somebody squeeze my foot? Can somebody steamroll my foot? That's what I really want. We figured it out. The thing off Austin Powers, that huge construction thing, it's just a giant steamroller. Just slide it right under there a little bit. Just like one of those cars that doesn't seem heavy. Like a 2008 Chevy Cavalier,

two-door, just go over my feet, please. You know? Just a high school car, like what everybody would drive in high school, like a Kia Rio. Smells like weed inside. You're like, hey, come here, buddy, come here.

I'm going to stick my foot out right in the middle of a county line road. You just give me a couple of hits. Give me those little go-kart tires, dude. The road in reverse, too. Hey, can you put a spare on for me? You're getting all weird with it. Put it in four-wheel drive.

Christmas party don'ts. Don't go in the bedroom. Like, don't go in the host's bedroom. Just stay out of there. That's your own area. Trying to look for the bathroom. Your solo mission for the bathroom your solo mission for the bathroom

you're like opening weird doors you're like shouldn't have gone in there just stay out of there because when somebody's having the Christmas party they just literally

throw everything into their bedroom and shut the door so to clean the house it's the quickest most effective way do you guys have another bathroom?

no it's gonna look like a tornado went through their room pretty much did. Animal cages and shit. Yep. Litter box.

Weird lamps. Uh-huh. So don't take a shit. I don't know. Sometimes you got to. If you're at a house, if it's a house party and it's like a two-level house, just find the most remote bathroom you can. Shit in there.

I'm one of those people that when I have to, I just have to. Just find the most remote bathroom you can. Shit in there. I'm one of those people that when I have to, I just have to. I can't just hold in a shit and try to have a good time. It's like in the back of my head. Yeah. No, that's totally fair. But that's what I'm saying. Like, go to the one in the basement.

Go to the one that's like for some reason in the garage. Oh, you can't go main floor shit. You can't even do that when it's not a party. Yeah. He's an upstairs shitter. Don't pee on the seat and just leave it there. Like, take care. Who party. Yeah. He's an upstairs shitter. Uh-huh. Don't pee on the seat and just leave it there. Like, take care of it. Who cares? Yeah.

We're all friends. Come on. At least wipe it up, you know? I always got to wipe, dude. It's automatic. Right. Growing up with girls in the house. Uh-huh.

Doesn't even matter. Uh-huh. Okay, let's do days. Do days. Do days. Da-da-da-da. Days of the house. Doesn't even matter. Okay, let's do days. Do days. Do days. Da-da-da-da. Days of the week.

Espresso days of the week. Thursday. Thirsty. National Pfeffernuss Day. What the hell is that? I saw that on the list. Pfeffernuss. And I don't know. I gotta know.

I couldn't pass it up. My brain couldn't move on from that word. P-F-E-F-F-E-R-N-U-S-S-E. It's gotta be some weird Christmas. Sounds like a city in Massachusetts or something. It is a cookie, and it is similar to gingerbread. Give me some of those Pfeffernuss. Peppernutten and Pfeffernuss are both spice slash gingerbread-like cookies

and have some similarities, but the ingredients vary, as does the method of preparation. Pfeffernuss. So the only time you eat them is on December 23rd before Christmas. Makes sense. And you're like, I didn't really like that one. Yep. The Christmas cookie, though.

You know, your aunt made them, and you're like, I'll try them. Then you're like, why is there weird coconut and shit in this? That's like seven-layer cookie. My mom makes that. Yeah, it's just like a suicide of cookies. You're like, sure. It can't be bad. It looks like the word smorgasbord.

When you think of the word smorgasbord, a seven-layer cookie comes to mind. That was the first foreign word I was familiar with. Smorgasbord fuck yeah seven layer dip of cookies what's the christmas cookie though dude a christmas cookie is a simple yet very effective cookie can never go wrong i think i know you're talking it's the sugar cookie with a red and green icing on it oh no. I had something else in mind. Wait, sugar, like the ones with the... Like they're shaped like a gingerbread man or like Santa or a candy cane or a glove.

Should I got something for you here? I don't want to disagree, but I might have to here. All right. Okay. The cookie, it can be peanut butter. It can be straight OG chocolate chip cookie, cookie dough with the Hershey kiss in the middle of it. That is good. Or it can be a Reese's.

Holy shit. But let me show you. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about here. I think I might. I've tweeted about it like 600 times because I love it. But like this shit, dude, that is a Christmas cookie right there. So just like a little too much icing, but you're like, it's Christmas. Yes.

And it's red and green and just jolly as hell. That's good. That's good. You've got to do those right, though. You can't half-ass those cookies. If I see a plate of those that are half-assed, I'm like, come on. Yeah. You can't disrespect.

No, I think that's number one, just because of the shape. And they're so damn festive. But that little cookie with the hershey kiss you're right that's that's a close that's like 1b you know 1a to 1b i don't these are kind of like do i like no i'd not like they're they're always like when you break them in half it's like crumbles yes shit just just crumbs everywhere cookie grenade but i like like when they're at the party i won't eat them but i just like that they're there. Yeah. They're just that guy in the corner that doesn't say anything.

You're like, whatever. He's wearing a cool sweater. Good to see you. The party numbers go up a little bit. Good to see you. I'll see you next year. Literally in the year. Won't talk until then.

I don't see the... God, I want some sugar cookie. There's no other holiday that has cookies, right? Christmas has like 35 different cookies. They have Pfeffernuss. I think Christmas is just everything, man. You know? Gifts, cookies, ham, turkey, Italian food, drinks.

But is there... There's no Christmas meat either. You know? Ham's Easter. Yeah, yeah. Turkey's Thanksgiving. Steak? Nobody's eating steak on Easter. Yeah, yeah. Turkey's Thanksgiving. Steak? Nobody's eating steak on Christmas.

Well, maybe, like... Raw! Some people go... Like, some people take... Like, Christmas is like, you know, they ball out not only with presents and everything, but they're like, yeah, it's Christmas. It's time for our annual prime rib.

Good Lord. I know some people do that. Prime rib Christmas. Oh, I guess it's kind of like a roast beefy type of feel. But it's just like the most special holiday, the most, you know, end of the year. So it's like, yeah, we're going all out. We're getting prime rib, you know. You cannot do seafood on Christmas.

That's like a law. What? Who's doing that? I don't know. I was just thinking about the different like entrees for shit. Like you're not doing... Shrimp cocktail, though. That could be a thing on Christmas.

Off to the side. On a little island. Yeah, it's an app. Friday. National Eggnog Day. It's Christmas Eve, Friday. Christmas Eve on Friday. Dude, I love eggnog.

I do. I don. Dude, I love eggnog. I do. I don't think I've ever... I bet I would like it, but I don't think I've ever had it like that. I mean, it's tough because it's just so thick, you know? It's like 3C thick. Yeah. But it's good. It's tasty.

It's festive. People make it like homemade. I always see it like in the carton, like by the iced coffee in the store. You get a little spiked eggnog, a little Evan Williams. I'd be down. You mean my friend? Who's that? Yeah, it's tasty.

I've always wanted it. Christmas Eve on a Friday, best day of the year. It's just never available. Friday, Christmas Eve, that bangs. I don't know. Thursday, 12-23, though. That's pretty good, too. That's tough to beat right there, 12-23, though. That's pretty good, too. That's tough to beat right there.

12-23, yeah. Yeah. 23rd, you're like, yep, tomorrow's Christmas Eve and then Christmas. Smoke before the fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Saturday, Christmas Day, and it's National Pumpkin Pie Day that day. Ooh, interesting. But why?

I associate pumpkin pie way more with Halloween. Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving, yeah, that whole area. But pumpkin's just Halloween. But I'd still, I would eat a nice warm piece of pumpkin pie on Christmas Day for sure. Cool whip. House that. Cool whip with the.

Extra cool whip. With a spoon. Mm-hmm. Extra cool whip. Hey, good to see you. What's happening? What is this? What is the no L day. I know it's like

Noel. I get that. Nobody has an L on that day? Christmas Day? Free? Maybe I typed it wrong. This was at 2am. I can see what it is. It's like a play on the Noel. But then for people like us, online, it's like,

Noel Day. This video sucked, but Noel Day. Noel's allowed. Day. Noels allow. We take Noels. Noels. Oh, what the fuck? Oh, shit. That's hilarious. Oh, wow.

Sunday. Hates us. No joke. No question about it. National Candy Cane Day. On Sunday sunday yeah i don't know it was like a day before yeah yeah swap pumpkin pie right okay come on let's get a clue here national thank you note day who's writing thank you notes for christmas gifts who's writing thank you notes not me not paying parking tickets and that's a lost art.

Thank you notes. My mom's obsessed with thank you notes. Dude, it's a bunch of bullshit. It's like you're overthinking. You already thank them when they're there. Oh, thank you so much for the gift. I love this. Thank you.

Here's a note. Thank you again for the gift, Aunt Cindy. Send them another one. At some point, she's got to be like, okay. It's not like somebody's going home like, did they ever say it to me? How am I ever going to know? Like your aunt? Oh, yes.

Did he say thank you? That piece of shit. He doesn't send me a note. But that's honestly what moms and people think. I think you're right, though. It's dying off. I don't care.

Send a text. Let's just save each other a couple hours here. Envelopes. Send a text. Stamps. Who has stamps? Send a voice message Let's just save each other a couple hours here. Envelopes. Send a text. Stamps. Who has stamps? Send a voice message. FaceTime them.

Send an email. Not doing the mail shit. Give me a break. I hate that, dude. I've said for the last three or four years now, I think older people who are from that generation, I think they only... My theory is that they are so desperate for interaction

and stuff like that and something to like brighten up their day that they only get gifts for like their grandkids or great grandkids or great nieces or nephews or whatever

so they can have the thank you note or like, you know what I mean? That's the only reason. Just for the note. Just for the note back. That's toxic.

Yes, it is, dude. Write it. Yeah. They want to be able dude. Write it. Yeah. They want to be able to have it to look forward to, and then if not, they want to be able to bitch at their kid. Oh, yeah. That's a conspiracy theory. Christmas conspiracy theory.

Absolutely. Save the time. Send a text. Not a call. You don't have to call for a thank you. That's a little too much, too. Text. Meaningful text.

It's almost 2022, folks. Throw an emoji in there. What are we doing? You can save that forever. The writing of the note, the envelope. What's her address? Did she move? Get out of here.

Yeah. That was Espresso with Ben and Joey Christmas Edition. Yes. Remember to follow Joey, obviously. Every year. Add Joey Molinaro on all platforms. Also, I'm on Cameo for a little bit now. It's the holiday season.

So people, you know, one little stocking stuffer type gift from Schmitty or from Coach Saban or Collinsworth or whoever the hell. I don't know. Yeah, for real. Back on there. It is a nice little thing to give somebody. Yeah.

Not too much money. Obviously. It means a lot. Make it personal. Yeah. Johnson can do them, too. Benedict's on there, right? Johnson.

So, again, I don't think we can tag team him. That would be tough. But, you know, it's available. It's there. Remember to join the Patreon for an extra espresso pod each week and deleted scenes, behind the scenes, bloopers.

You already know. Merch is coming soon and maybe even a Johnson Schmitty video. Oh, God! That's my flamethrower. But okay. Alright, guys. Talk to you guys next week. Merry Christmas.

Alright, fam.