Espresso - growin up throwin up

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

when I get pulled over | YOU SAW MY FLAWS | death trampoline | i'm the zit guy |

Back up. Remember Chingy? Straight player, baby. He was tight. Cut the music too soon again? Back up. What happened to Ching-a-ling Lee? Cut the music too soon again? Back up. What happened to Ching-a-ling Lee?

Nobody even remembers him except for me. I felt like me and like only 13 other people listened to Ching-a-ling. He had like a number one hit for like 20 weeks. I was like, yeah, only I knew about him. What do you know about him? Straight player, baby. Ching-a-ling was tight. Ching- only I knew about him. What do you know about him? Straight player, baby. Chingy was tight. Chingy was tight. So what's up?

Shout 106 Espresso Pod. I'm Ben Polizzi. Chilling. I'm just sitting in the studio. So quarantine's pretty much over, right? We're just busting it open now. So many people outside today. Yeah, it's over.

I'm going to look back at quarantine and be like, what was I on? This whole time, what was I doing? Seriously, what were I doing? Seriously, what were I... Just walking around, thinking of things that I should be doing and going... Those blue angels flew over the sky just like a minute ago.

Okay. What are we supposed to do with those Like five Like fighter jets that are in the movie Top Gun Imagine being like Yes Let's go

Yes They're here That just happened I didn't know how to react I was like sweet And Blue Angels Sounds like the name of a minor league baseball team Sorry That just happened. I didn't know how to react. I was like, sweet. And Blue Angels sounds like the name of a minor league baseball team. Sorry.

And it's free hot dog night. But yeah, quarantine. It's a wrap, right? Man, just when I was starting to get some things together And then quarantine hits And bye Bye good habits Pizza man's back Pizza and wine guys here

Hi Oh, you're not going to do anything for 50 days? Oh, pizza and wine guys here To be installed in your brain Yeah Oh, I don't know to be installed in your brain? Yeah. Oh, I don't know, man. I tweeted that or I put out that video.

I don't even know how I thought about this, but the people that do the thing with their eyes when they flip their eyelids inside out. And I made the mistake of being like, hey, if you did that and you're saying you did that, prove it. Let's see. Prove it. See if you still got it.

I never even tried that. I bet I can do it, but I'm just, I never wanted to try because I probably would have like popped my eyeball out. But I made the mistake of telling people to prove it, and I got all these DMs and tweets and stuff of the weirdest people with their eyes that looked like Satan. But there was always one kid.

How did anyone figure that out? How did one kid just be like, Mom, look. God, it was always the weirdest kid that did that, who had longer hair. And you're like, huh? look. God, it was always the weirdest kid that did that who had like longer hair. And you're like, huh? He didn't like do anything at recess. He didn't like play any of the like, you know, everybody's like doing something at recess. Kickball, there's like 30 people doing that.

There's like 50 people on the playground. He was just one of the kids that was just like individually like playing his own game and like twist, like twirling around. But he didn't care at the same time. He's like, yeah, whatever. Just doing me. I'm doing me. I'm doing me.

The eye thing and the clover tongue. When you could do the clover tongue in elementary school, it was always girls that were like, can you? I can, can you? I canoe, can you canoe too? I still can't. I can roll my tongue up like one of those combos, like

gas station snacks, but that's it. I'd always be like this, right? I've got like no tongue mobility. Now we're talking sexy. No, but my tongue's like the size of like a paper clip. Seriously. Can you touch your tongue to your nose? I'm like, uh, yeah, sure. It like hits my top lip and I'm like, is that it? My sister has like the longest tongue On seriously the planet It's the weirdest thing

And she like flexes it Like something will happen And instead of being like Whoa she'll be like Anyway It's the podcast where all he does Is talk about his family. Yeah, the clover thing.

Clover tongue. People still kind of do that. You can't do that. No, Jason from work. I felt like everybody could. What about people that couldn't snap? I just can't. Who can't snap? I just can't. Who can't snap?

If you can't snap, my dog can snap. I just can't. And when they try their, I was like, they move their hand real fast like they're throwing something. It's like, that's not it. It's not part of it, Ashley, from work. Okay, I don't care anyway so cops huh cops are uh in the news i was thinking about cops like why would i've got some friends that are cops so props i could never just want to be, how could you want to be a cop?

Everybody automatically hates you all the time. Especially now. But everybody automatically is like, oh God, Jesus Christ, this guy. Always the same cop walk. I'm just honest to cops. I haven't got a ticket in a hot minute. And now that I said that, I probably will. You guys still knock on wood?

I always do. I'm like, every time I say something like that, I'm like, hold on, bro. Right in the middle of a story. Hold on, dog. Like go to a tree. What were you saying? Every time a cop like pulls me over I'm just completely honest with him

and I think it like makes it help this one time I got it was like I was on my way to work super early when I worked like

nine to five I would just they were like yeah you can as long as you're working like this many hours a day and you're getting all your stuff done

you can come in whenever you want you can come in at midnight and work till 7 a.m i was like hmm or eight or whatever i can't remember how long we had to be there but so i would go in i would literally wake up as soon as possible and go in i would try to get there at six o'clock every morning to get there at six o'clock every morning and I'd be like half asleep on the way there whoops but I'd get there and no one would be there thank god so I'd try to get there I'd try to get there right at six it was just like my goal every day and it was one time I was like I was like halfway there and it was 5 55 and I was like so I was like I was going hard on my way to work like like fast but I didn't mean it really I was just like in the zone you ever in the car

listen to a song and it's you're like you look down you're going like 78 miles per hour that's what I was doing and I saw I saw cop lights behind me and I was like, Oh shit. Wow. This is really happening. Like I, like every time I get pulled over, I'm like,

damn, I know exactly what I'm doing, but I wonder if I did anything else. Like, I wonder if my license plates fucked up. That's like my biggest fear. Like you're speeding and your license plates from 1981. Like, Oh, okay. like my biggest fear like you're speeding and your license plates from 1981 like okay that's something i'll never understand is the renewal of license plates like i don't know

can i just drive but this cop pulled me over and he's like you know how fast you're going i was like uh not exactly but pretty fast he's like what's the hurry i was like honestly i'm just trying to get to work and like i was listening to a pretty good song and he i think he kind of laughed a little bit because he was feeling me and he was like okay all right and he brought like my license and all that stuff back to his car and i hit that part of the cop process is so annoying. Because like, you know, they already know what they're going to do to you. But they're just like, a lot of deal.

Like, what are they even doing in their car on that stupid screen? Like, can it just look like a regular computer for once? Why does it always have to look like the Matrix, you know? Like a black screen with like green numbers all over it. Just have YouTube up, because we know you do. What's on my record? Is that what they're looking at? They're on your Instagram?

Does this guy have any weightlifting pics? No? Okay. He's good. So he did all that, and I was just waiting for him. He's like, all right, man. Next time, be aware. So he did all that And I was just like waiting for him He's like alright man next time You know Be aware

I know it's early but just pay attention I was like alright thanks Like you feel so guilty You drive off so slow after that Then after work you're like Same speed He was like alright hey what song were you listening to I was like oh nothing

You ever heard of boom boom pal he's like I actually it sounds familiar but I can't say I have out of nowhere this it's coming from his car though gotta get

he mouths it like like he knows it but like he doesn't want to act like he knows it but he can't control it and he's like gotta get no uh this one I can't say I think I might have heard it on the Kohl's commercial or something You turn off the stereo real quick to talk to him And he's like boom boom boom Excuse me? Go on your way, sir Have a good day

Boom boom boom Gotta get that boom I'm on that HD flat Fergie What a wild card pick for that group What a name What else yo Got a bunch of mail the other day it takes me so long to look at the mail

cause I just don't want to I just don't want to sorry I do that with a lot of shit but I'm just like I just don't wanna it's always nothing it's nothing or bad news I think mail is like a i think mail's

like a violation i hate when i open my like little mail thing and there's like a thousand advertisements in there and always guaranteed always one of them steak and shake and i'm like maybe i should hold on to that i do kind of want to shake in that voice that's my fat ass in my head voice I have been calling a shake I don't know I can't do coupon stuff coops got any coops that's such a girl thing compared to

a guy like I feel like guys never mess with coupons girls always have like some random shit and it like makes it more like special. They're like, oh, I have one. You're like, oh. Thank you. I think I'd rather pay

a dollar more than find and cut out and use a coupon. Gotta get get. Man, I knew I was gonna be annoying today. I woke up and I was like, I'm gonna be annoying. I knew I was gonna be annoying today. I woke up and I was like I'm gonna be annoying I knew it Every time I wake up and there's like 19,000 songs in my head I'm like today's the day where everyone wants to tell me to shut up, but just goes in another room

Got a gig get oh gotta get get oh yeah coupons i just can't when people have a full drawer of coupons i'm like aren't all those expired that's funny how everybody has that drawer in their house though that's like just i don't know what's in there i don't know even the most like professional professional on it person of all time has a drawer. And it always has that clear tape in it. It's like... And you can never find the end. I've spent half my life looking for that part of the tape.

Where I'm just like... How come it tricks you? There's four different parts on the clear tape where you're like, that's it. That's not it. How's that not it? on the clear tape where you're like, that's it. No, that's not it. How's that not it?

Then you finally find the edge and you get it and you're like, yes, and you try to peel it and it tears it in half or it tears like a sliver off. You're like, what? I just need tape. I've been working out like I had a little secret workout spot for a while I'm not telling you Whoa Hold on I'm getting a call Whoa

That was my That was my restaurant manager Damn I should have just I was I should have just done the whole call on air I'm in like this studio Like when people call me It's always like Damn, I should have just done the whole call on air. I'm in this studio where when people call me, it's always like a toss-up if they can really hear or not. So I didn't want to say anything intriguing.

I was just like, yep, sounds good. Yep. All right. Uh-huh. I'm in. Yep. Let's do it. Okay.

Yep. All right. See ya. He's probably like, okay, that was a computer. Let's go viral. Hashtag. Hashtag used to be my favorite toy. Just burped and everyone heard it. my favorite toy just burped and everyone heard it i'm trying to think of something that i like that's good god i used to have this like like mini punching bag thing that might have been my favorite toy of course of course it's something like oh you hit the bag when you're a kid yeah that's how you know how to fight god i loved action figures when i was a

kid damn that's like all i thought about legos were tight but like they're way too much money like one little stupid like jet one little stupid like blue angel jet lego was like 30 bucks my mom was like nah fam nah fam use the ones you have what else oh we had a trampoline that was the best that took like litter that took four years to convince my parents to get it was kind of like damn we gotta we gotta like clear like mom might be down but we gotta clear it by dad somehow. And he'd never be down with anything. So we'd just like mention it and be like, yeah, we're getting it.

And then we'd just get it. What if we got a trampoline like Aunt Margaret? He'd be like, no, absolutely not. And then the next day, like he kind of like sink in his, and we'd be like, we're getting a trampoline. He'd be like. Trampoline was the shit. Seriously. Best investment.

Did so much on that. How did I never get hurt on that? I'll never know. How did my friends never get hurt on that? Never know. Damn, that was so fun. We used to have fights on that. Fights, of course.

But like one time, two of my friends, yeah, we'll fight each other. You always have those two friends that are just down. There's like, fight right now? All right, let's do it. You'd have to like pay me. Oh my God. You want to fight him right now I'd be like not at all

You ask your like wild friends and they're like Hell yeah let's go circle it up Circle it up But I just had a bunch of like dudes At my house one day after school I don't know how I ever was allowed To do anything actually But my mom was like yeah sure

And we got two of them to fight on the trampoline we like circled around them and they're literally having a trampoline fight and we i hate trampolines with nets if you had a trampoline with a net you went to kinder care if you had a trampoline with a net you oh you definitely had a bike with a helmet damn i never did any of that i could have split my head open on a rock and still been like i don't know i just didn't feel like looking like a nerd if you told me if my dad if if my mom or dad was like you need to wear a helmet when you ride a bike i've been like i guess i'm never riding a bike when you ride a bike.

I've been like, I guess I'm never riding a bike. No, no, no safety on the trampoline. And my friends were just fighting and my mom was trying to like, my mom was like, I don't, I think that, I don't, I think, I think that, I don't, she never said stop,

but she just like for 25 minutes was like, I don't, I don't know if, I don't know. I was like, let him go one round. And something happened. I think like someone bounced too hard and a spring was like, and we're like, let him go one round. And something happened. I think like someone bounced too hard in the spring. It was like, ding! And we were like, okay, bye.

Trampoline's such the best toy. It's the best toy. It's the best toy in the world. One time my parents were gone. My mom was like gone. I don't know what the hell my mom was doing, but she was gone for like the whole day. And it was a nice out. And like me and my sisters didn't even talk about this, but one day we're just like, okay. And like immediately across all of our

brains, we're like, Oh, we're going to put a, we're going to put a sprinkler under the trampoline and put, put a dish soap all over the top of it. Like we'd never even talked about it in our lives we just all went outside and started doing it like right like right when we woke up and my mom was gone my sister just got the hose we're like okay i got the dish soap and then we just jumped on that we acted like it was the most like dangerous thing ever we're like basically taking a bath we're like oh my god so bad i can like, oh, my God, so bad. I can't get on a trampoline with anybody because I immediately like go into like fight mode. Activate instant kill. That's me every time I get in a trampoline.

I can't help it. It's just everybody knows, too. They can like feel my like, oh, shit, he's about to fuck something up Nope I think for like the last five years of our trampolines Life it just didn't have like the padding Around it either so it was just like the weirdest Like it was like a saw five Trampoline

I want to play a game I want to play a game Called Crack the Egg. Such a party favor. Hashtag is an ego killer. Is an ego killer. Your fam.

Definitely your fam. The podcast where all he does is talk about his family. Yeah, I don't know. Even like your best friends. Everybody's got one friend where they'll just like straight up tell you. That's the craziest. You gotta have one of those friends. Oh shit, I just hit my knee on that

god i always try to like make it nice but like tell you the truth hey you think this looks good like one time joey like we pulled up to a comedy club and joey's got like a like a different style so like i appreciate that and that's cool but he got out of the car and he had he's like he like rolled down his window and right when we got there he rolled down his window he's like what do you think and he pointed and he had a turtleneck on and i was like oh i don't know let's uh i think it's cool and it like was cool because it was like nobody ever wears those anymore but at the same time i was like i don't know we're at a comedy club

and the comedian there was sean latham at the time and he looked at joey and was like yo what's up tell me turtlenecks like the thing you don't want to hear hey what do you think about this turtleneck go inside and get made fun of in front of everybody for it. And then what happened? I wore a turtleneck two years later and posted a picture on Instagram about it. It happens every time. It happens every time. Hashtag gives me a rush. I don't want to do that.

Hashtag my health in five words. I'm on a 24-hour hobo diet. Is that five or 20? I'm on a 24-hour hobo diet. No, it's like 19 words. 24-hour hobo dieto diet yep that's me my way of like eating better is just like not eating at all and eating like one thing i'm like damn i had a lot of food yesterday so today i'm just gonna have like a pack of tuna fish and a cookie and that's it for the whole day

that's like my like okay we're on we're on to something here i'll have a gallon of coffee and a cup of grapes man i'm killing it i'm killing my diet i'm killing this hashtag no one hashtag how come no one ever told me Hashtag no How come no one ever told me I get really I get mad like when I'm with somebody all day Like with somebody Like with one of your best friends

And you're just like doing stuff all day You don't even have time to like think And then like you get home And look in the mirror like And you have a zit on your face You're like You just You just let me ride that one out like you weren't gonna say

anything it's so hard to tell somebody though i just do that point thing now like if somebody has something on their face i like point at my face and i'm like right there and even though that's like the best way to do it they're still like oh god okay they still get a little mad inside i do anyway anytime anybody says that there's something in your ear i'm like oh my god this fucking guy anything else that that's what happens in my head but. But inside I'm like, Jesus Christ, you. You saw my flaws. Immediately hate him. Then every time I'm around that person again, I'm like, damn, better make sure my ears are clean for old Kevin.

So weird. We used to, in high school, this is going to make everybody throw up, but in high school, we could not wait to pee each other's Z's. And I know, if you know, you know. I-U-K? I-K. I-U-K? U-K I UK, I K, I UK, UK, no, I Y K Y K. Yeah.

We always just do that. Like if somebody had a good one, they'd be like, yo Ben. And I'd be like, I'd walk in there like a doctor and like, yo Ben, I got one on my back. I was like, this is it guy. Oh, I can't believe I'm talking about this. It's like, bro, but you got to get it. And I was just the only guy that would be like, all right. Turn around.

We'll make this quick. I can't be having my boys with Zs on their shoulder blades, bro. Especially at pool parties. So come here. So, guy. I know my mom's throwing up right now because I just said that but sorry that's how good of a friend I am

I'll pee your Z's dog my dad was always that weird guy that was like if you have a zit on your face don't touch it it'll make it worse I'm like I'm not walking around with a volcano above my eyebrow don't touch it. It'll make it worse. I'm like, I'm not walking around with a volcano above my eyebrow. Don't touch it.

Right when he leaves, I'm like, okay, car mirror and this is the grossest thing I've ever talked about, but I know you guys feel me. Hashtag. Nah, let's do days. Forget it.

I'm over it. Wednesday. National Crouton Day. I loved croutons up until I was like 13. And I just started eating them like very recently with Olive Garden salads. Olive Garden salads, by the way, I think Olive Garden salads are the best salads. Said it and I meant it. I said it in a minute. Olive Garden dressing. But yeah, I smash up the croutons in the plastic little package and put it on there

just like it's dust but one time i uh this is a gross podcast but one time i threw up and it was a bunch of stuff i ate earlier and i had croutons earlier and my three you know how you smell your throw up and you're like, that's what got me sick? And the thing it smells like the most, you're like, that's what it was. That's what I do anyway. And it smelled like croutons. So for 10 years I was like, no, I'm not eating croutons.

Throwing up has to be the weirdest action of all time. What the hell? Immediately full body sweat. God, that's the weirdest thing. I feel like when I'm throwing up, it's like a fire hose and I'm just yelling. I yell, throw up. I'm not like, when I throw up, I'm like, and everybody on earth can hear it. One time I was in a, oh my God. One time I was in a taxi.

That sounds so stupid. One time I was in a fucking taxi. Oh my God. And every time, no matter what, if I drink like, if I have like a sip of an alcoholic drink and get in a car, I'm like. So we're getting a ride home from just going out and stuff in a taxi and i always forget too when i drink i'm like every i always forget that right when i get in the car i'm gonna puke like i get super car sick and of course I forget and we get in the car and we're with like girls and like it hasn't hit me and then we start moving a little bit and I'm like holy shit

it's so weird that moment when you know you're gonna throw up it's hard to like announce it you know what I mean you're like hey uh like you're trying to be like polite about stuff coming out of your face? Hey, can you slow down? And the driver has no idea. Oh, my God. So I had to ask the driver, or I had to low-key announce it in the car. I was like, hey, I think I'm going to throw up.

I had to say it as clear as possible like I was like presenting a thesis so hi I opened I cracked the door cuz thrown up out a window like good good luck dude I cracked the door and I like of course I tried to make it like sexy I to make it like sexy. I tried to make it like smooth. Oh, I was like, like the, the try to be sexy while throwing up. I swear to God, or try to be smooth with it. I was like, what? What? What? I was like, and then I was just like, okay, I think I'm good. And like, I couldn't do it again. So I was like, I just got to suck it up. Like, I'm just going to hold my breath or something for the next like seven minutes

on the way to whoever's house we were going to. Obviously we're going to Joe King's house, but I didn't want to reference him for the 97th time uh yeah but that's how it goes down in the car growing up throwing up growing up throwing up that's the name of my new comedy special growing up throwing up god that probably will be that That's embarrassing. I always wanted to throw up in the sink. Like, I always tried to on the low. And I was like, ah, my mom's going to get mad. Then I'd go to the toilet and be like, ah!

Oh, my. Because the sink just, like, it seems, like, it just makes you feel a little better. Because you're like, you know, your head next to the toilet is, like, gross. I think that's what made me throw up, like, half i threw up was just my head being down there i'd like think about what i was doing and be like you know when you need to throw up and you like can't and you just start thinking about like the grossest thing ever just to get you like ready because when i'm sick and I think of food, I'm like, so I'd be by the toilet, like, damn, I know I need to throw up, but I like can't, what the hell? And I just think

of like a chalupa and be like that throw up feeling, dude. My, when I, when I'm about to throw up, like I know because I get hot. Obviously, you know when you're going to throw up. But like in my mouth turns this small. My mouth is like the size of a raccoon's mouth. When I'm about to throw up, I'm like, what's going on? All right, enough of that. Damn. That was the first day.

Wow. A lot of mileage out a crouton day. National frog jumping day. I think the only reason I like frogs on the low low is because the frog beanie baby was tight. That's so stupid, but... I don't know. I was like, that's a cool one.

National apple Pie Day. Apple pie is pretty good. I've talked about pies like every single podcast, but I don't think anybody really minds. Anybody else's grandma put like when I go over to our grandma's for Christmas, like she was like a dope cook. So everything was just like, oh, shit, we're about to go crazy up in here. Why did I just talk like that? I don't know. But that's how I felt walking in my grandma's.

We were about to eat. It was just about to be so dope. You know what I mean? You know that feeling when you're about to go somewhere with hella food and you just walk in and you're all like, ha ha ha ha. No, but on Christmas, like, my grandma would put all the pies on the porch. Did anybody else's grandma do that? I feel like that might be a thing.

DM me if your grandma put pies on your porch. Anybody else's grandma do that? I feel like that might be a thing. DM me if your grandma put pies on your porch. But like, like we don't, and there'd be like a door that goes to the porch and we'd like look out of this curtain and be like, did she make the, cause every year it was like, when's she going to stop making the pies? Cause like, that's a, that's a lot of work. And like your grandma, you know, it's just like when, you know, it's just one of these times, it's just not going to be like this. So every year we'd like Pull the curtain open look through the glass And we'd see like seven pies And be like

I told you Yeah And you could always tell the apple pie Because like the top was just like You know what I mean by that noise? Apple pie, the roof's always caved in. It looks like there's an avalanche that hit it. God, I love pies like that.

They're just all fucked up. I love pizza. I have to slice pizza. If I'm eating the pizza, let me slice it. Frozen pizza. I swear to God, I'm the best pizza. If I'm eating the pizza, like let me slice it. Frozen pizza. Like I swear to God, I'm the best pizza slicer in the Midwest. Challenge me. Challenge me.

You think you can slice pizza better than me? Huh? What if that was like a real fight in a club? What the? Hold on, bro. No, he thinks. He thinks he can slice DiGiorno better than me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't talk like that to me. I'll put that on anything, honestly. I'm the best. I'm confidently saying that I'm the best at slicing pizza. Nothing important, slicing pizza. But I always like Pizza slices My pizza slices had to be cute As cute AF

For me to eat a good pizza It has to be like oh that looks good Perfect triangle But with pie I'm completely opposite Give me a slice that looks like a dog cut it Just wreck it Yeah but apple pie. Okay. National fruit cocktail day. Fruit cocktail. What is a fruit cocktail? I feel like I should definitely know, but is that like a fruit cup? Fruit cocktail. Is that just a bunch of fruits in a bowl?

Ooh, that's fruit salad. Okay. Fruit cocktail has like juice. God, I do. I like, I hate and love those Danon fruit cups. I think that's what a fruit cocktail is. Like they're good, but at the same time, I'm like like i don't know if this is really fruit the cherries in that i'm like guys come on like you're really trying to pass this cherry off as real i never eat the cherries on like steak and shake milkshakes i'm like anybody want this and there's always one of your friends i was like i'll give me it yeah i don't know about fruit cocktail kind of gross kind of gross fruit salad talk to me baby he was a fishy little missy baby when that pops off at the

at the cookout fruit salad it's always your fruit salad's always in like a glass bowl with like clear saran wrap over the top right when my aunt pops out though driving on the way there gets out of the car gets out of the car with it in her hands both hands

she's like honey I can't carry that I've got the fruit salad right when she puts it on the table talk to me baby you're so pretty little missy baby I can't carry that. I've got the fruit salad. Right when she puts it on the table. Somebody,

somebody like accidentally, like, uh, out of nowhere finds the, the whipped cream. And somebody, instead of using a bowl, somebody, no, instead of using a plate for the fruit salad, somebody puts it in a cup. Changes the game. Then they like walk out of the garage, like with a fork, like stuck in a strawberry, like in the cup.

Just doing that head nod to people though. Like, yeah, what's up? Yeah, I always do this. What's up? You're not using a plate for that fruit? Oh, you're crazy. You must love fruit. Work and take the shift off for me, baby.

I try to whip your butt for me, baby. I'll never, I'll never eat anything on a plate again, I don't think. Nope. Plates are so gross. Stuff's just like swimming around on it. I just got the chills. I'm gonna take this shift off for me. Okay, let's talk about something else.

National Receptionist Day. Receptionists are very nice. It takes a certain person to be a receptionist at a desk. Imagine being... God, when receptionists go home, they're probably like, fuck everybody. They've got to be nice for eight hours. Hours. Why did I say hours like that? They got to be nice for eight hours. I could never be a receptionist because I would just bang all that candy all day. You know, there's a candy bowl right there.

It's like always Tootsie Rolls in it. It's like, pfft. Alright, I'll still eat it. National Third Shift Workers Day. What's the actual time for third shift? You don't know, bro? You don't know? Shut up. What is third shift

8am okay midnight to 8am damn so I've been I worked that third shift on the weekend what's up it's really weird to be up

when everyone's sleeping you ever get on Instagram real late for a minute like the posts are so different on Instagram at like 3 a.m. I always just thought it'd be like the exact same,

but like the Explorer pit, it's like the, I don't know. It depends on what you follow, but I always see like stuff. I'm like, is this my account? Is this my phone?

National Thursday, national decency day, national decency day. National decency. I remember hearing that for the first time when somebody was getting changed and we were about to go in the room. I forget. I think it was a dad I was with. It's like, are you decent?

What the hell? I was like, wow. I never heard that one. Are you naked? better than that are you decent that was weird i thought the word deuce was really gonna pop off when i was in like sixth grade i was at my friend's house and his brother was in eighth grade so like we did everything they did why does that happen When I was in 6th grade I was like 8th graders are so cool They know so much more stuff But like somebody was talking about

I don't know somebody was talking about a girl And one of the dudes was like ah she's deece I was like oh Tell them She's deece But I really thought that I thought Deese was gonna be like the new thing I always like think words are gonna take off

And they don't Swag happened for way too long Swag took over the whole world honestly I hate when like real companies are like Yeah and if you sign up today You can get a swag bag Like you're not supposed to say that Swag bag

Even when like universities are like Yeah we decked them out with a bunch of swag I'm like dude Not you Not you Okay that's for the kids Talk to me baby God damn it

He's a fizzy little Remember uh Epic Oh dude When people said epic for so long I wanted to kill everyone Oh it was epic No it wasn't

It was so like like, epic. There was another one, too. Epic, and there's one more that was just like, oh, you did not just say that. Dude, that'd be epic. What if you said that now? Bro, did you see those blue angels fly above us? Yeah, bro, that was epic. National dance like a chicken day. God. Everybody's done that at one point or another. Dance like a chicken. Like, been forced to. I was in

this German class and all, like, I swear to God, half the year, all we did was, like, dance like a chicken. It was like, for everybody's birthday, I was like, fuck. Here we go again, some weird German teacher. Now shake my butt.

So stupid, man. God, the people that hated doing that are my favorite. Dance like a chicken. National Buttermilk Biscuit Day. Something about buttermilk, it sounds good, but I'm just like, after hearing that, I can't move. I do that on purpose. I eat food.

I eat food that I shouldn't eat just so I'm like, I just don't do anything for the rest of the day. Self-sabotage. A plus. Nah, but I like try, I try not to eat anything

during the day because if I do, I'll be like, I'm good to sleep. But buttermilk biscuits is one of those things friday national chocolate chip day i'm trying to think about chocolate chips i went on a little spree there for a minute where i would just buy chocolate chips and like eat

some of them every night and of course that turned into me eating the entire bag every night i do that with everything sorry everyone but i do that with everything oh coffee's good i guess i'll have 19 gallons a day till my heart stops oh wine's good i guess i'll have the entire bottle how can you not drink a whole bottle of wine though jesus is that a problem do i have a problem it's like two glasses and it's like Okay there's this much There's like an inch left I'm like well we might as well One glass of wine

I might as well just go to bed If I'm going to have one glass of wine He's a bottle boy I'm hooked dude Wine I think everybody is I think it all happened at the same time too I'm hooked, dude. Wine. I think everybody is. I think it all happened at the same time, too.

During this quarantine. My dad had like 20 bottles of wine at his house for some event, and he just took them all. They're all gone now. It's such a treat. At like 10 o'clock. I'm like, well, I just might as well just sit here and watch this show. You know, I wouldn't mind. That'd be cool if you one time we should like chill and maybe every time we make a frozen pizza. Every time I think of pizza.

It's so loud. I get embarrassed kind of when I pour it. I'm like, ooh. The cork though. I mean, come on. Jesus Christ. How how hard is that that's like half the reason i drink wine is because i'm like it's an adventure okay what the hell friday oh that was chocolate chip day what am i talking about national nylon stocking day stock. That's so weird.

Damn, you know you're doing something hype when somebody's wearing stockings. That's like some First Communion shit. When girls had stockings on, I was like, oh, shit. Turn up. When you see a girl's foot with stockings on, though, you're like, huh? You can see, like, the seam by their foot, and it's all, like, weird. And you're like, never mind. I was going to see if I could sit by you, but never mind.

You got that weird stocking foot thing. National Endangered Species Day. I feel bad. Every time I see like an, there's always an announcement of like an endangered species and I'm like, ah, I get like, I get like anxiety from it. I'm like, God, polar bears still? They're always like, there's 13 polar bears left on this earth. I'm like, Hey, we got to make some, we got to stop. Like we got to take care of these 13. Like that's who I am for like 10 seconds. I'm like who's in charge of the polar bears?

Get that guy on his shit. There's only 13 left. There's been like I swear to God there's been like 7 elephants for like 19 years. National pizza party day. Okay. National Pizza Party Day I always felt weird when like There was a contest in your grade We always had I went to a school where we had like

Three grades Three classes for each grade pretty much Like that's how many kids we had I don't know if that's like weird or Not a lot or whatever Schools that only had one class per grade I was like You guys shouldn't be a school

but we had like three three classes and like my class never won the thing for the pizza party like the person who gets the class that gets most points will get a pizza party everybody's like how dramatic kids are during that like announcement thing like the magazine sale i remember the magazine sale that guy was a magician up there the magazine sale spokesman he had your ass i didn't care and i wasn't gonna do any of it because i didn't know how and my mom would just be like no betty no we're not no we're not no you can ask, you can ask if your Aunt Jenna in Georgia wants a magazine, but I just, I, go ahead, ask, ask. That dude made me want to sell magazines to every house on the goddamn block.

And then if you get this many points, you receive this peanut M&M that makes this noise. Oh, boy. Every kid. If you can jump over these many dollar bills, I'll give you everything you jump over. Some girl would get like five bucks out of it and you'd be like fuck you see me sarah just got five actual dollars that that's a spokesman that guy that guy's that guy's probably in jail now honestly but that guy was nice with it he had me hype trying to sell magazines. That's probably like against the law now.

Is it? Damn, they were taking advantage of kids. Yeah, but my class never won the pizza party. Really. Never, ever. And when we did, it was kind of like, are you sure we won? I think it was unfair because we didn't do shit. I was always in the class that didn't care at all.

We were just like, all right, yeah. Didn't try until like the last four days. National Bike to Work Day. That's got to be from last week. Bike to Work Day. How about those guys on like bikes that just play that loud-ass speaker all across. I walk around downtown a lot because parking is just like, no thanks. So I walk around downtown, and there's always delivery guys on bikes,

and they're just blasting these speakers, like a beat speaker that you have in your living room or something. They have those tied to their hips hips and it's like like while they're at a stop sign with a huge ass like uber eats backpack on and they always have like the same tattoo they always have that tattoo that looks like like they have an armband on their forearm but it's like one thick one and one skinny one those guys are just motorcycle guys in training those guys on motorcycles that like play the loudest music of all time you're like um no one asked it's so overbearing. The motorcycle and the music. Dude, is everything okay at home?

Why would you ever need any... Wow. I could never do that. If somebody was like, you have to ride this motorcycle with this volume on the music, I'd be like, I think I'd rather die. I'd just do the Jesus pose right there Good Yep Uh huh

Nail him down Cause I'm not doing I'll do anything not to do that I don't know Maybe I'm overreacting That's this whole entire podcast National NASCAR day I'm glad I wasn't raised in like I think even NASCAR day.

I'm glad I wasn't raised in like, I think even NASCAR people are kind of like rolling their eyes about NASCAR. And if you like NASCAR, you know that. NASCAR. Everybody loved Jeff Gordon. The 90s was just Jeff Gordon and Britney Spears and Pepsi. Love me, hate me, do what you want about me. Because all of the girls and me and Jeff Gordon had a little bit of Pepsi. Okay.

Saturday. National Lost Sock Memorial Day. Okay. That had to be from last week. Yeah, it was. I'm an idiot. Yep, didn't do Saturday. Sunday. National Pack Rat Day.

I think everybody's kind of a pack rat. God, I hate having stuff that I don't need anymore. It's always my fear that I'm going to need it, though. That's why I of a pack rat. God, I hate having stuff that I don't need anymore. It's always my fear that I'm going to need it, though. That's why I'm a pack rat. I'm like, maybe I'll need this. I don't delete a lot of pictures in my phone because I'm like, you never know. When's that coming back up? And text messages, too.

You can put that limit on them, Like these I'll delete after 30 days. I'm like, I might need to look back at those for some reason that I'll never need. That's why I'm a PR. That's why I'm a background. National cherry cobbler day. Cherry cobbler. Always hype. Always hype.

And always better in a cup. I said it. Ooh, milk with that? That sounds gross. But milk with like peach and cherry cobbler. Love me. Hate me. Say what you want about me.

That's me when I pour milk into cherry cobbler and someone's like, um. That's what immediately comes on. Right when I opened the fridge, people are like, what is he doing? Alright, if somebody walked by this studio while I was doing that, they'd be like, this guy's gotta go. But yeah, that's me when I pour skim milk into Cherry Cobbler.

But yeah, that's me when I pour skim milk into a cherry cobbler. National Graduation Tassel Day. I think me and Joey talked about this before, but the graduation, like, uniforms? Creepy. No, it's one of those traditions. It's a celebration. Creepy. Oh, but it's just of the... Creepy. Creepy. Creepy.

National Walnut Day. I don't, I love nuts, but I mean, damn, dog. $8.99 for like 30 of them. I hate that, man. I always want like pistachios for one pist pistachio it's probably like a dollar 32 it's gotta be those are the most bougie nuts have you ever had pistachios without the shell that's like I can't believe they even sell those those are I can't believe those aren't behind like a bulletproof glass case at Kroger.

That's like in the Chuck E. Cheese glass case. You know, you get so many tickets at Chuck E. Cheese. You can like buy a DVD. Fast and Furious 2, Bad Santa, and then like a pack of pistachios. You're like, oh, damn. Actually, you know what? I'll go with Bad Santa Ha ha hee hee ha ha ha National Idaho Day

I don't know everything about every state But their whole Literally everything Potatoes I guess that's what people say about Indiana They're like corn And we're like it's not just corn It's NASCAR and corn

Idaho is just like straight up And we're like, it's not just corn. It's NASCAR and corn. Idaho is just like straight up. Yeah, we got that college with blue turf and we grew potatoes. My dad. Made you some potatoes. Potatoes. Yeah, we got some potatoes if you, sweet potatoes. Sunday, last one.

National take your parents. National take your parents to the playground day. That sounds creepy. But, I actually did that one time in college. We all just went to a playground, played tag, and that shit was actually crazy. No, no, no.

I actually did that one time. It was my sister's friends and me. They were just like, we're about to go to this playground and just whatever. We played tag and it was the most serious thing. We were playing for real tag. It's a different level of like you're not Catching me when you're older Cause when you're a kid it's like ah Shucks when you're an adult it's like

No hell no No You're like running around Fucking like behind a pole For like 10 minutes you know what I mean Like when somebody's chasing you around your house And you like do that dining room table dance You're like oh shit it's about to go down like who's crawling under it that's all i want to know like who's making the move

okay wow what did i talk about the whole time i don't know but shot 106 shot 106 Thanks for listening People have been hitting me up in the DMs And like talking about the podcast And that's so cool man I swear to God that's the coolest thing ever So thank you if you hit me up Or if any of this stuff like I don't know if you relate to any of it let me know

So I know I'm not a psychopath But yeah follow me on Instagram at Benedict Polizzi. TikTok, Benedict Polizzi. Twitter, Ben Polizzi. And yeah, remember, subscribe. Tell your homies and everything about it. And yeah, I'll talk to you guys next week. All rightight fam.