Espresso - Hannah Berner ‼️

Episode Date: January 28, 2022

👕 🔥 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 𝗜𝗦 𝗛𝗘𝗥𝗘!🔥 🧢 ↓ buy some shit ;) influencedby.co/collections/ben-polizzi 🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) we're opening the espresso vault from 9/7/21 👀 this week Hannah Berner (@beingbernz) joins the pod! Hannah realizes Ben doesn't know he's a hick, they talk about Hannah's engagement and relive both their days as sports broadcasters, she roasts Ben for being the worst bartender ever and they both discuss the best ways to play off a fart 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

all right so this beat was playing and i was like we come in and we start rapping can you rap hell yeah no hesitation just fucking woke up from a nap can you rap fuck yeah i just rapped i woke up from a nap it's gonna slap it's gonna slap uh hannah burner in the studio espresso podcast now you know we're in indianapolis with a bunch of homeless people outside this is kind of fried hannah uh let's go oh wait wait just find it find your find your groove i just said fucking groove. Damn it. The thing is, like, nothing rhymes with comedy, but it's okay. Because I'm just going to be me, you know?

Yeah. That was my warm-up part. Yeah. We're at the comedy club. Yeah. It's going to be a hub of partying. Huh? Nothing rhymes with partying.

I'm just going to keep... I had a... Look, I had a sandwich. Yeah. I ate too much Like uh And I thought about it A long time What rhymes with much

Why did that Kind of rhyme though Alright we're good We're good We're good Woo Espresso podcast Honestly that shit was hot

That was a hot Fucking beat We didn't do Anything to it We didn't do it Justice at all And now that beat Needs to be scrapped forever I feel bad just delete it let's start over start over espresso podcast with ben

we got hannah burner on the pod i don't know how but we did i slid in the twitter dms that was some weird tricky shit because my twitter dms are only like guys from india asking me for money or yeah it's a thing it's a thing they're like i'm a prince come to india whatever i am aladdin or telling me i'm beautiful and i say to my fiance i'm like yo this guy says i'm beautiful every single day and you don't do shit. Twitter DMs are weird. They're like damn near like LinkedIn. My question is why did you choose the Twitter DM as opposed to Instagram where I'm clearly more active? Dude, I don't know. I was like if I DM her on Instagram, it's probably going to get buried because she just gets DMs all day.

And I like saw you tweet something on Twitter or like Helium, the comedy club that we're at this weekend announced that like you were coming to town but you're verified like have some belief in yourself on instagram i'm a piece of shit why the fuck am i on this podcast she's like bye i'm like stay we can rap again i've actually never rapped sober and we just found out I should never rap sober. But no, it was funny because he messaged me and I didn't know what the comedy game is in Indianapolis. But I was like, he seems legit. I'll throw him on my show. There was no question. I didn't vet you at all. That's how I get them.

And then we hit it off. Yeah, it was good. Yeah. So you're like, you're my main feature. And I was like, holy shit. Okay. I know you were questioning me. You're like, are you sure?

And I was like, don't make me take this back yeah i was like what if she had somebody that i'm fucking that up i don't know oh no no no no no and then we have sarah who is crushing it dude sarah huntington she's been on the espresso podcast she's cool you guys know her fans i love how you're talking to the empty sidewalk in front of us. It's like six cars that are all illegally parked. Dude, what is happening with that parking lot over there? There's also a whole convention over there of people who... What is that? Look like they're struggling in some type of way.

That's our skid row. There's like four homeless people. They all have popsicles. That's how soft India is. Do you like Indianapolis? Okay, I low-key am liking Indianapolis a lot. So Hannah's from Brooklyn. I'm from Brooklyn, New York.

I live in Manhattan. And I was joking with Sarah. I was like, there is a melting pot of culture in New York. And Indiana, this shit is just raw. It's just melting. They haven't seen it. It's just melting. It's just cheese.

It's just cheese. But the people are very nice. You know when people say, oh, the backbone of America. I'm like, this is what they're talking about. Like why? Because like what? There's like factories. It's all nice as fuck.

Factories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like just hardworking, simple shit happening. There's a building downtown, like probably right by your hotel that just says, Indiana, a state that works. That's like our fucking sloganiana a state that works that's like our fucking slogan a state that works they're like we don't know what else to do but i was asking sarah i was like is there shopping around like do you guys have a zara and she was like no and i was like she's like what animal is that dude no we don't and then she said you guys got the salesforce building

i'm like that's what she was bragging about what she said then there were more people around that wanted stuff and then we started talking about how salesforce it's crazy that they have so many buildings when it's just like a platform that people use to sell shit but anyway that's besides the case that's not right for this podcast right now um but yeah i like indianapolis a lot actually good you experienced a couple you experienced mass ave you like mass ave um that's what right when i saw you i was like you got to go to mass ave that's your spot yeah i experienced the first like five minutes into it and then i keep having to pee and having to go back and all the fucking bathrooms are locked yeah that that

we're gonna have to file a complaint with the indianapolis it's gotta be like that new york estate center oh yeah new york is like that because also even the places that do have bathrooms you don't want to go to those you don't yeah and i wish i was a dude i would just piss on everything but i can't you've got piss on everything energy kind of thanks yeah i would be such a fuck boy if i was a guy oh my god i'd be pissing all the time i was talking about as a girl oh have i ever i piss in hot tubs a lot i pee in hot tubs and pools that's your new bio i piss in hot tubs hot tubs is my thing but like i've never squatted on the world you're not like one of those girls at a concert that no i haven't squatted no seen way too much of that in my life it's like a weird feeling you're like vagina i'm like how do

you guys do this again never mind i'm gonna go over there and get like a weird feeling you're like vagina i'm like how do you guys do this again never mind i'm gonna go over there and get like a diet coke but dudes like some guys they love the fact that they could just pull it out and like it's a different thing because you don't have to aim yeah i know you guys don't aim i know i've lived with i've lived with men before the guys that i've been romantic with i also had just guy roommates you guys are reckless with it like it is a big circumference of the toilet and you guys miss every time yeah it's like a power thing you think it's a power move yeah like blast that shit you're marking your territory i'm like i get it sit on my piss god damn it i was like trained i grew up with two sisters and a mom and they were on my shit and they always had the toilet seat down so i was aiming for the like the even the inner smaller you're going for the

backboard yeah i fucking bounce that shit off the glass lay up oh my god yeah i feel like guys who grew up with women are just like more premium men premium and like i'm not trying to get your head big but just from experience. Because guys who don't, didn't grow up with women, like they don't even know what a tampon is. And like when you date them, you have to like teach them life. It's so fucked up. Yeah. I'm like, oh, you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me.

If it wasn't for women. If it wasn't for vaginas. And they're just like, but I just talk about sports with my guys all the time. And like women are stupid. I'd be the, I'm already the biggest douche. if i had brothers can you imagine oh my god dude i don't i mean having sisters definitely different because they like they're harder on you than like guys are harder on you yeah and they and you're forced to be like a literally more emotionally intelligent i feel like because you have to learn to read their moods bro i never did that dude i was getting roasted growing up i couldn't wear like my my sisters

wouldn't let me wear a sleeveless shirt till like last year you should they're like get the fuck out of here go back upstairs every time i went downstairs in a sleeveless shirt it'd be like it's like a fucking symphony orchestra well you like work out all the time, so they should let you show it off. No, no, they were the opposite. Oh, do you do the low sleeve? They're like, stop fucking showing off. No one gives a fuck. Yeah, that was so me.

Actually, I was more like, I cut the top of my, like, I was the guy that cut shirts. Yeah. Cut sleeves off of shirts so well in high school. My friends were like, yo, you cut these for me? And I was like, I got you, bro. and i put on my backwards fitted hat and be like that's some small town football like main character energy you know that's the first thing you said to me when when you saw me go why do you sound like a football coach you sound like an assistant football coach you have a slang am i right producers doesn't he have a slang, like a little twang? I don't think so.

You do, too. He goes, I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't know, bro. I don't know. Whatever, man. Yeah, you're like, you're kind of country. And I was like, okay, so I'm a country football coach.

I was like, what's up, Hickville? Just like figure it out. And he was like, I'm from the city. Go to Mass Ave. It's crazy. That shit is lit. God damn it. But you confused me because you're this Italian, and I could totally see you immediately sounding New York to me.

So then when you came out with a drawl. A drawl. A drawl. Yeah. I don't even know how to spell that word. Is there an L at the end of that? Spell that word. You hear that? Spell that word. That was kind of Hic hickey to you like i mean are we allowed to say hick i don't

know i think we're all good on this okay i mean we're making fun of white people and we're in indiana so it's like you know you can say like as long as one of us is the thing we're making fun of yeah yeah we're good is hick racist or some shit i mean you could say white trash what about redneck now that's getting kind of weird i don't know this is your territory bro yeah but like bro you're like you have football coach energy you you go you you go i think at any point in time you're gonna tell me to get on the line that's some shit you said i was like god damn i think i joked on stage i was like i was like he's cute he's like an assistant football coach energy but like i don't want to fuck with someone's gonna make me do burpees when i fuck up like i don't want to do that wait what is hiccup did you see that when

you googled it hiccup oh shit did you know that no is that like post okay that's the kind of rap i could do i'm hanging let's get a sample i'm hanging on the truck wish myself some luck gonna see a duck and i'm gonna fuck okay that's the one country that show my skills dude country yeah seriously because pick hop thang city bitch country rap redneck what the hell is going those are all my keywords. City bitch country. This is your search history? Yes, it was. Big hop. Outlaw rebel. Oh, my God.

I have to sit like this. Oh, my God. Are you sure we can play this? Are we going to get... This girl has a Confederate flag bathing suit on. It's not copyrighted. I was just double checking. Okay. Okay. I didn't suit on. It's not copyrighted. I was just double checking. Okay.

Okay. I didn't think it was going to be copyrighted. What the fuck? You didn't think this was going to be copyrighted, bro? Oh, no. He's wearing cut off with a hat. I cut that for him. Wait.

These girls are amazing. She just crushed a beer. This is like LMFAO if they were raised in Indiana. Christian moonshine sipping. I'm like, this is so trash. I have my Shazam out. I'm like... What?

Like, when you think of girls from Indiana, do you think of those two girls you saw right there like is that what you're thought you're getting into well it's pretty much though i feel like midwest people though in general are very good looking like generically like you're very midwest looking to me because he has he has blue eyes good eyebrows good cheekbones like he's good eyebrows yeah good eyebrows he just looks gang i mean i guess you're like german what are you you're not german what the fuck come on what are you what am i norwegian what are you talking to why my mom's from ohio and my dad's from illinois okay what is their like where were

they where are they from bro you are they from, bro? Here. You're not just white. You had to come from somewhere. This is an indigenous ground we're living on. I'm sorry, I didn't do, like, a... What is it, 23andMe? I don't know what my DNA is. That's so funny.

Do you actually not know? I don't know what my DNA is. He's like, I'm white. Leave me alone. I'm American. He's just a fucking pair of denim jeans. See, in New York, like, everyone... Like, york like everyone like like i'm half italian that i'm half like russian austrian polish german whatever so you ask people that shit

everyone in wisconsin's like german or they're like vikings whatever what are you are you 100 italian no i'm like german and italian okay we're the same we're the same we're good we probably really did you have another question for me is that it that's the end of the podcast all right let's do this so the segment is love advice with hannah burner because you recently got engaged yeah how did that happen literally you don't seem like a person that would ever just get engaged. I didn't even believe it when I met you. I was like, what? This shit is so weird.

I don't even care to get married. I never even cared to think about engagement rings or anything. I was like, during quarantine, I was single. I was FaceTiming some ex-football player who was living in miami just partying on quarantine like facetime like ex nfl dude yeah and he like he's injured and he was sad and he was just like oh i can't wait to see you in person but then he'd be like that's that's the fuck boy voice yeah every guy for sure girls always have that voice for god that's my go-to voice for every guy and he definitely was like partying and fucking a different girl every night in Miami.

But he was like FaceTiming me and I was in Long Island in New York. And he's like, yeah, I can't wait to meet you one day, whatever. Why does that voice always have to be like drunk? Because he was drunk. He just woke up from a nap. Yeah, he would sleep all day, wake up and be like, I missed you. I'm like, I've never met you. But it was like fun to flirt because I was so, I was really quarantining. I was really lonely.

And he would hit me up and he'd be like, yeah. Like he played that flirty game where he was like, like, I don't have sex with girls, you know. And then I'd be like, okay, bye. And then I would fuck with him like, hey, sorry. I was just on the phone with like 10 other guys. Like I had no, like I was doing nothing. And then I had this other dude that I was talking to that was on this reality tv show who would call me all the time but like i knew he was bad news so i was just navigating like two dudes that there was nothing going on

but it was like little attention highs that i like yeah dude and then this guy dm'd me two weeks before i had to go film a reality show and when you're on a reality show it's very hard to date because that's how you meet someone you hit it off you're like oh i know this is cool but like would you put this on national tv because if you won't then like i can't keep talking to you because they have to film my life for three months and like it's almost out of respect for them to be like you probably shouldn't get involved with me until after filming so i met this this dude dm me and he was like hey are you out in long island and i was like yes and he was like me too do you want to grab coffee so this guy happened to he's a comic and i've dated comics before that ruined my life and i

was like i'm never gonna fuck with a comic why'd they ruin your life because comics are just crazy comics are crazy people i mean there's a variety of reason why comics are crazy have you ever dated a comic no yeah you don't you don't even know you don't even know like tell me about like what so some comics think about what comedy is like you're just always thinking about yourself and your experiences reflecting yourself shit and like so i was dating one dude who like it was just just. You gonna name names? No, he was just the show. Like it was his show and I was living in it. But I was young at the time.

But he was like, he was like a popular like. Yes. Yeah. So everyone was like, it's so cool you're with him. But I would just be with him and I would feel like he didn't give a fuck about me. Or like, like he cared, but like he doesn't even know how to care. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Cause he's all about himself. It's comedy. And then like you wake up and like all, if he didn't get like the laughs or applause or whatever he wanted from the other people like he'd be shitty where i'd be like i'm here and it's like i don't give a fuck and just like then like my light started to shine like i started to you started to pop off a little bit and like you couldn't handle it not like that like it the passive-aggressive stuff started coming like oh like your stuff is cute or like that. Like basically it was like.

You're doing your little show tonight. Do you know what happened? I watched this documentary, this hip hop documentary where Dr. Dre and his wife were being interviewed. It's funny. They're actually divorced now. But the wife was like, I'm his rock and he's the balloon and I hold him down and he's the balloon. And I was like, I had the balloon and i was like i had a a moment i was like i'm i'm not a rock i don't want to be anyone's fucking pebble and i don't

mean it like i want to be the star it's more like some people are like cool being behind the scenes and just anything this dude needs i'm here to hold it down where like i want like a teammate and a partner they say like someone has to be the gardener and someone has to be the flower you know like someone has to and like i know i don't even know how to garden i don't fuck with that shit so like and then someone said you can't have two headshots in a relationship which oh shit i don't know about that either but anyway this dude hits me up and i saw him five years ago do comedy and i thought it was like just at a random show at the comedy cellar oh yeah and i was doing marketing at the time like

my early 20s i was in sales and marketing a whole bunch of shit you don't want to do you probably work for salesforce and i watched him and i was like oh i like this guy and he was talking about how he lives in ireland so i'm, oh, I guess I'm not going to marry that dude or hit him up after the show. Not that I would do it. Not that I do that. Not that I have the confidence. So he ended up following me at one point

because I got into comedy. And I thought, oh, maybe he wants me on his podcast or something. And I followed him back, and nothing happened. So fast forward, I got a DM from this guy. And this is COVID. I have to do a reality show in two weeks and if i get covid i get fired from my job so i was like and i was horny because i

had no sex in seven months and i've just been like getting played around by like guys just but and you can't see anybody that whole time you can't i haven't been touched i've been touched i've like showed my tit on facTime. Like that's the extent. That's as sexy as I got. Oh, I'm going to fuck the shit out of you if I ever see you ever, if the world doesn't end. I'm like, cool. I'll jerk off to bed tonight. And he's like fully dumb.

So dumb. But so I meet this guy. Yeah. Do you want to know the story? I want to know. Let's keep going. Okay. Tell me if I'm too detailed. Keep. Do you want to know the story? I want to know. Let's keep going. Okay. Tell me if I'm, if I'm getting too detailed.

Keep rolling. Our show's like starting. Keep rolling. Who's his name again? So I actually like, I was with my parents. I was single and my parents were kind of like, you're 29. Like, do you think you should change something? Or like, should we reflect? Should we?

And I was like, no, I just, I don't think anyone's gone away. Like, you know, like I didn't regret any, I'm not missing any exes. I'm like, I haven't met my person. Yeah. So you're just like, whatever. So this guy, I was like, I want to go on a date with this guy. The day of the date, my dad decides he has a fucking tea time, like an hour before. And like, he has to drive me because I can't drive.

So that's the whole other story. Oh, that's a whole different fucking thing. She can't drive. I'm i'm from new york it's cool that's not it's not an excuse it means i'm a city i'm a city hick but like not being able to drive and not having a car is two different things you sound like my dad right now get on the line it's like it's not go to your room no i didn't grow like we didn't have junior driver's ed or something like you just were you're out here fending for yourself anyway it's unsafe i should not be on the road i'm doing society a favor so he had to drive me to the ferry and in long island and this motherfucker was like oh i have a tea time like in half an hour so you have to leave now and i like my hair

is half curled i'm like dad this is my one chance to go on a date in months and you mom have been like flirting all the shit now i just want my one time and we're getting like this kind of like mom been flirting like they're just my parents are like adorable they love each other i'm like you guys have each other i have no one i just want to have one fucking date and you're making me leave an hour early and i'll be sitting in the 90 degree heat waiting for this guy sweating my balls off so i like get in the car i'm all fucking pissed he drops me off i'm waiting like 45 minutes it's so hot and this guy picks me up and i get in the car and i'm just in a bad mood and normally i'd be like okay put be cool light-hearted hannah let's put on first date hannah we're good we're

we're having fun we're laughing at everything but you had like sweat on your back i was my back like it was so i'm your lower back you know when you get out of the car and you're like ah fuck yeah the shirt like and you feel the sweat coming down your armpit too like a lot and i'm like and i just turned to him and i'm like my fucking dad has no fucking respect and fuck this and he turns to me and he goes at least your parents are alive are you fucking serious first impression And I just start dying laughing. He starts dying laughing. I'm like, oh my God, he has a sick sense of humor.

But like both his parents did pass away. And we just start dying laughing and immediately put me in a better mood. And then we just like talk for four hours. But the funny thing is about him is he's 45. I've never dated a guy in that age bracket. Older zaddies, dude. Zaddies. And I've never like been the girl that has the crush on the older teacher.

Like I always. I thought that was every girl. Not really. I mean, once I had a dream about my third grade history teacher who was, but he was, he was hot and he was like 25. I've never been into the zaddies. I don't think George Clooney's that hot. Like I wasn't into it, but there's something about an older man, um, that I was into.

And then, then I ruined his life um you ruined his life yeah why because he fell in love i fell in love and then i went to reality show and i just like shit is crazy he saw it all like i was calling him at night and i was like because you don't know what's going on like it's reckless it's scary it's all like super like like produced and stuff right like it's not really it's like it's a meta reality where like you our new reality is cameras and producers and what you know whatever's shown on tv is going to be seen as reality so everyone's just like fucking freaking out you don't know if someone did something to you because production made them do it you don't know if they're just like trying to fuck with you like so let me tell

another people like secrets and shit do that to her to see what she does exactly or then then you might be like bro why'd you do that to me i thought you kind of had my back and they'd be like oh it's production don't worry i'll be better for the show and then you're like but you they could be lying like it's what dude it's fucked up and i'm a sensitive little bitch like i come off really strong and confident but i'm a sensitive little scaredy bitch and he was like in it with me and then he came on the show he came on the show yeah because i was like missing him and he finally was like i'll do the show and i didn't even know that was a possibility it like didn't show you could just

like this particular show like because i was i kept talking to him and they're okay who's this guy and he was like i'll come on even though his agent told him not to. It didn't go well. We thought it went well until it aired. It didn't go well. He basically hung out with me. And we just had fun with each other for two or three days. And when he left, the friends were like, he didn't take enough time to get to know everyone.

Just bullshit, trying to make him look bad. And then he's just been dealing with like my reality tv bullshit for a bit and it's like he didn't anticipate that he didn't know i was on a show he just like liked me for me and then i i know that shit went down then shit went down for a little bit yeah well it was just tough because like you're significant like you have your reality and then you're watching this like crazy like he had to watch me deal with like stuff with other guys on a tv show when we were like engaged already i wouldn't be able to watch i wouldn't watch it he didn't watch it he didn't watch it but like he's getting in an influx of instagram dms and people saying shit to him like

about the show yeah so you basically watched it he had to delete his twitter like it was wild yeah so like i was like hi but um hey i'm back i'm done with the show let's fall in love so anyway then we started doing comedy when shit opened up and now we're like we met during pandemic we're engaged during pandemic and now we're like starting to date for the first time as like a kind of a normal couple because shit it's just been the most unorthodox thing yeah but i think i also got to like 29 and i was like i've dated and i know what i want i know red flags and like with him like he was he like second week he was like i want to marry you and i was like that's hot and then i was like fuck it yeah because no guy has ever been that like committed

you know what i mean just out the gate he like knew what he wanted and i also was getting like a calm energy from it because i'll you know like when you meet someone you get like it's easy to get this crazy high and convince yourself that they're all these things that they're not and like fall in love with the lust where like with him like i was excited to see him but i had a calmness with it where i felt like he's older you're like he knows i was like i trust him fucking block no dude he has no this guy old guys have trust and like he's seen so many tits before like i'm like i know he's not just like phased by like my nipples like he knows he's seen tits before that's also the other thing sometimes i'm like does he even care like he's seen so many tits like but does he care about my tits like he's lived a whole life before me

but i also feel like if i met him when he was like 25 i wouldn't have it wouldn't have worked out too much fuck boy in him too much fuck boy but it's hard because i love yeah i love fuck boys but he's retired now like so he's a different person but he's in the fuck boy hall of fame yeah but i feel like at some point like i was just focusing so much on my career and then i kind of saw it as like sometimes relationships fuck with your head and it distracts you from your career so the second i met him i was like okay let's check that shit off like this guy seems like my person so let's get that done and he's like doing the same shit as you so he gets it our day is like we wake he wakes up early because he's old like 7 a. Wakes me up at like 10.

And then we go to brunch. That's like every day. Every day. He wakes up. Some New York shit. No, but you go to brunch every day. Well, we like to go to brunch when we can. We go to brunch because then like then we'll do podcasts.

We'll create content, whatever. And then at like he'll be like, when do you have shows? And I'll be like eight and ten. He'll be OK. I'm nine and eleven. So like we don't eat dinner together ever so we go into our shows and then we come back at like midnight and like how was your show talk some shit about comics and go to sleep yeah i want to move to new york you have to that's but like we're living this weird life um but also we both don't like he doesn't drink he's sober i don't really

drink anymore because i'm getting old and we just kind of you took a fireball shot last night oh my god so like a crowd member just handed you a fireball shot she was like and you can't be like oh sorry i don't drink on stage you can't lame as shit and i mean i don't not drink i just like i don't care i love like if you offer if she offered me a fried pickle, I'd be like, yeah, give me that shit. Yeah. But like fireball, but also fireballs. Like it's not a real shot, you know?

Like it's just like cinnamon. It's cinnamon. But the shit was spicy and I like couldn't speak for like 10 seconds and I'm just on stage and everyone's staring at you and you're just like, that's one of my biggest fucking fears is not being able to talk on stage. Like, like sometimes I'll like bite my nail and get a nail in my throat like i can't talk for like two minutes i always think that shit's gonna happen on stage or after i eat trail mix can't ever talk it's like two minutes of me and i'm like mute i'm trying to think of my biggest fears that i have on stage

so i can like subconsciously make myself do them because i'm a self-sabotager. The biggest fear is... I always take my zippers down. And I don't want to like check because that's even more awkward. So I'm like... This motherfucker. I'm not trying to push. I know you got to like feel it, but you don't want to look like you're just touching your dick. Fuck yeah.

You have to feel it out. It's so awkward because no one tells you to because it's fucked up. It's like because then they were staring at your dick the whole yeah like why were you staring at my dick though also when you're on stage your dick is just in everyone's face are you ever afraid to get a boner on stage no dude i'm on stage my dick is this big i don't even have a dick on stage dude i only have an asshole on stage and it barely even that. And it's clenched. A boner on stage? You know how fucking relaxed I'd have to be?

I love asking about what digs are like. Just hard as shit. What's it like? Is it just like having it laughing at the jokes? His little eyes, like that's a good one. We had a... Well, you fucked me up. This motherfucker fucked me up.

Because this motherfucker was given time. He was given 25 minutes, this motherfucker. So I was doing my pre-routine where i go in the bathroom i'm just sitting on the pot like going through my notes i was going through my notes and sarah goes knocks on door she's like hey this is his last joke you were like probably five ten minutes early yeah this motherfucker he was not he was not doing his full time. And I was like, fuck. And then it was one of those things where like,

I was, you got off real fast. She's like, I'll take my time. And I am like, you know, nothing works when you need it to work. Like I'm trying to,

especially before a show, I'm trying to pull the toilet paper and it's like, it's like, I'm wiping my, and I'm like, I can't be like dripping on stage. And then I flush. And then my fucking dress was in my like granny panty underwear. Cause I'm not wearing a't be like dripping on stage and then i flush and then my fucking dress was in my

like granny panty underwear because i'm not wearing a song and a dress on stage i just got nightmares about that so i run out and i have my dress in my underwear and i saw it all yeah dude because i went because i was gonna come get you i was like where the fuck is she i looked in the green room right there i was like maybe she's getting on stage like from the crowd on some weird shit i'm just crowd surfing yeah i was like, maybe she's getting on stage like from the crowd on some weird shit. I'm just crowd surfing. I was like, she must be like feeling herself today. And then I'm like, what the fuck?

And you come out of the bathroom with your whole dress in your ass. I was like, what the? And the door was open to get to the stage. I was like, okay, fuck it. And I walked past the door because I like, I don't know which door. I like started running towards you like, you know, and he's like. Then I start getting the head football coach mode. He goes full football coach.

He's like, turn around, son. Turn around. I got a whistle out. Run it again. Thank God I felt something in my butt. Because if I was on stage the whole time, are you kidding me? That would have been so fucking funny. That would have been so funny.

But my crowd would have been like, that's so Hannah. Oh my God, she doesn't give a shit. Toilet paper on your foot and shit. And my hands were soaked. Like, I talk with my hands because I'm Italian. I could feel the water getting flung at the people in the front. Like, my fucking gross ass pee hands. Splash zone.

Oh, God. Also, I got my period two nights ago. That was brutal. People don't talk about that. Like, professional sports, no one talks about the week women get their period. Like, why do you think Serena Williams lost the French Open so badly in 2012? Because that bitch was on her period, and no one talks about it.

I feel like she would have played better. Like, a whole team of girls gets their period. Because you guys sync up like fucking AirPods. If a whole softball team's on their period wouldn't they just fucking crush they're all like fuck this no that's pms that's pre-period and that shit does crush that's when no one fucks with you you snap at any time you use your anger in positive ways to help the world but yeah i got sounds peaceful i got my period on on Thursday and I was on stage and I could feel it coming out.

Dude. I could feel it and I'll be honest. What are you about to Google here? I'll be honest. I thought you were about to be like period on stage or some shit. You want to hear something fucked up?

Yeah. Is your audience girls or guys? Just like kind of 50 50 okay right 60 40 maybe girls i'll be honest when i perform sometimes i free ball like i don't want a tampon in me and i just wear black underwear and let it go just let it roll and it's not heavy because i'm on birth control so it's just like kind of leaking down your it's just kind of leaking so when i was on stage you're worried about like your zipper i was, if a little bit of blood makes its way out. Just blood my sock, all right?

I'll be the Marilyn Manson of comedy, just like, let's go. Fucking blood all down your leg. Was that funny? Huh? Was that funny? Laugh. I love talking about periods around guys because they're uncomfortable. It is kind of weird.

It's weird. I feel like it's not my place to talk about it at all. But you have sisters, so I feel like you're fine yeah you've seen some i used to just throw my tampon at my brother and he'd be like that's not i'm like daniel it's a it's not it's not from my vagina like it's just oh just the other part yeah i thought you meant the part that was in you no i know a tampon that's like with plastic they get so grossed out. And I was like, my vagina creates everything you've seen in the world. Dude, yeah, that's fucked up. Bleeding on stage.

Yeah, that's got nothing on it. Thursday night, I was not feeling myself. Like, I was like a little crampy and shit. But you got to put it towards your art, you know? Yeah, you got to talk about that shit on stage. I just love that. Yeah, yeah, you have to embrace it. Are you good tonight, though?

talk about that shit on stage. They'll love that. Yeah, you have to embrace it. Are you good tonight, though? You good, bro? She's got a puddle of blood on her right now. She's like, I'm good. I'm actually sweaty. I sweat really easy, though. I'm sweaty today. You sweat a lot, and you

fucking eat a lot, too, bro. Yeah. After the first show, I came in the green room with two portobello mushroom sliders that i was about to eat you're like give me one i was like damn one had like a bite out of it you're like i don't care i was like holy shit dude i you know my i get a fear because because i was an athlete like i i never wanted to be hungry when i was perform yeah playing so like right before you know how comics are like oh i can't eat i'm like

i need a carb load before this because i'm about to burn some energy on stage on some straight athletic shit and and then afterwards i have a little protein shake you gotta make sure like i treat it like a spath yeah right if you go upstairs get your ankles taped and shit roll out my ass afterward yeah that's what i do no but i eat a lot and that's why i like indianapolis actually because you guys take your food and you're drinking very seriously yeah you got that blt today i was so today she can't hannah came into the restaurant i work at while i was bartending did you want us to come yeah okay for sure because i didn't know if you but i was like they won't they won't like i was like i'll put it out there but they're not gonna everything's very close together so we went

to this one place and they were like oh it's a 30 minute wait and she was like oh oh garden table or whatever yeah she was like ben is two seconds next to us and i'm like that's convenient and we're like where's ben and you're right there on this big nice bar big wood bar it was hot yeah it was like sturdy high or hot the bar was hot like i was like this is a manly ass bar yeah and then um a bachelorette party came that was and i lost my shit i look pretty good you're so fun you're so funny this dude is so funny because when you're feeling yourself like you're laughing you're giggly when you get nervous you get quiet you get quiet and your face just kind of i was like don't look at me do anything back here i like squatted down to like stack a plate and almost fucking fell over you ever just lose your balance when you're all fucked up i always do

i fell on the ground do you know the tiktok where it's just loading like that was your face the whole time these girls walk in he's he's used but i thought that it wasn't just a bachelorette party it was a fucking field trip it wasn't just a field trip it was called a what pickle pickle yeah she doesn't know the handlebar okay that shit's fucked up who convinced people that they basically like badly peloton and that's fun while they're drinking indiana peloton like i gotta get my steps in the fucking pedals don't even do anything like how did they trick you while they're drinking. That's an Indiana Peloton. Like, that's an Indiana Peloton. Just fucking. I gotta get my steps in. And the fucking pedals don't even do anything. Like, how did they trick you that that shit was fun,

that's working out? You're gonna be on one in like 20 minutes. The girl, she was like, can you come on? And I was like, I'm a people pleaser, you know. I say yes to everything. No, I can't. You're like driving. I thought this motherfucker was a seasoned bartender

i thought this mother like you're 30 years old like why would you have not had experience nothing dude i've been bartending for four weeks and i do it once a week so every time i go back in the restaurant i don't know shit you have to learn it again like make 10 what they say fucking lemon drops i I was like, I went right to Google and I was like, how do you make a lemon drop? We go in

and normally the first thing a bartender does, you know, put the napkins down. I didn't even do that. You know, they put the napkins down.

They go, hi guys, what do you want? Here's a special, whatever. He literally looks at us, goes, fuck.

And then like, pretends he's talking to someone else i did do that i was like i'm gonna avoid him so he's avoiding us and then our friends next to us were like yo we're here 20 minutes he didn't even give us anything i was like they're my friends he didn't check in by the end we were like water can we have some water he was ignoring us then i was watching you at the machine where you like put in and he kept just like looking like he was ignoring us then i was watching you at the machine where you like put in and he kept just like looking like he was failing a test over and over and then at one point one girl came to help you and i was like oh yeah you saw that i was like i hope they're not looking at me right now because you're trying to put like i'm just trying to like find blt i was like where

the fuck is this is an alphabetical order do you want to know something more fucked up i didn't order blt no fucking no i ordered a regular chicken sandwich and you were like oh god you're Is this an alphabetical order? Do you want to know something more fucked up? I didn't order BLT. No fucking way. No, I ordered a regular chicken sandwich. And you were like, oh, I got you the BLT. And I was like, I did not. But I'm not going to say this because it'll fuck him up. So say it in front of fucking someone.

I'm not going to tell them right here. We were like, can we have two chicken sandwiches? And they come with two different sandwiches. And they're like, BLT for Hannah. And I was like, OK, he made that up. Oh, my fucking god. Did you hear me say BL blt where'd you make that up in your head i was like she just looks like a blt bitch did i eat the whole thing i was like did they both no i think she got blt the last name starts with b same shit you ordered for me yeah i did i was like what would

she get because i'm not going over there and then you gave us mimosas but I was like, what would she get? Because I'm not going over there and asking. And then you gave us mimosas, but it was like half-filled mimosas. I didn't know, bro. Because one time I made a mimosa for this lady, and it just looked like a cup of Tropicana orange juice. I was like, I don't fucking know. But... I was like, is that like... I don't know.

Because she kept joking. Sarah was like, he's so bad at his job. But I don't bartend, so I don't know what's going on. Like, he looked. I don't know shit. Like, you had the little towel coming out of your back pocket. So I was like, this guy knows what the fuck he's doing. I look like the manager for fucking Chili's when I'm bartending.

I'm like, get the to-go's out there. Fucking make these ribs. We were watching you straight up ignore people. And we were like, oh, that's how he survives this job. He just doesn't do it. Like, he just looks like he's... I don't do my job. Whenever we need him, we'd be like, where'd he go?

Like, where do you go when you leave the bar? I was like, I'm gonna go check on some food. And I go downstairs and, like, lock myself in the bathroom, look at my Instagram, and then, like, look up how to make drinks. And then multiple times I heard him go, yeah, we're out of that, bro. Yeah, we're out of that, bro. Yeah, we're out of that, bro. And I'm like, there's no... This is the only thing I do when I bartend.

I just look at you and I go... Because it looks like I know what I'm talking about. They're like, we didn't even order drinks yet. I'm like, you want another round? I did that to you four times. Is he trying to get us fucked up? They kept ordering basic shit. They were like, can we have a Corona?

And he's like, we're out of that, bro. And then he'd walk away. In my head, I was like corona and he's like we're out of that bro and then he'd walk away in my head i was like i don't think we are out of that right go just tell them we don't have it and i was like what'd you guys need that's so funny but it's so scary like are you afraid that people are gonna be like i didn't order this so this tastes bad dude i make frat boy drinks like they send them back all the time i'll give somebody alcohol poisoning off of one fucking old fashion yeah yeah i feel that but when i started working at a restaurant i didn't know anything and people at restaurants don't tell you shit they just think you know it

they're like bring up a cam bro i'm like is that a city is and do you feel weird to ask what things are because it's like not cool to not know yeah it's like when you first get a job and you don't know any of the lingo and shit and you're just like asking them the most normally i'm like where's the spatulas and they're like right here just that kind of shit all the time it's like their own language that they've created over the years and you can't but this is my question what were you doing before you were like serving and bartending um football coaching uh yeah actually i swear to god i coached for a high school for two years oh that's fun yeah but then you like didn't like the children i was like well all the dude like i was the coach that was like not serious so that's why because you got to have like a group of coaches that know what they're doing

and then the guy that's just like cool with all the players. Yeah, like makes it worth it for the players. That's fun. So like if there was something wrong, if there was some shit going on with all the players, they'd be like, Ben, go figure out what the fuck's going on. And I'd talk to them and they'd talk to me. Then I'd talk to the coaches and they'd be like, okay.

So I was like the comic relief coach. But when a player would be like, hey, how do I run? I'd be like, I get it. I'd be like, we don't have Corona. We don't have that. We're out of it. We're out of it today. it today tell them we're out of it wait why did you stop you got fired no i just wanted to take comedy more seriously and stuff and it was hard to like work at a catholic high school when i was just putting out like content that was super fucked up all the time yeah yeah it was weird i feel that i feel that well that's cool yeah it was dope i worked in the

at like in radio too for a little bit i did sports radio shit but then i was like i can't take you know i did sports broadcasting for a second no for like a local station or something so when i went to university wisconsin i played tennis there and then your last semester like they give you five five years to graduate um scholarship and once you play four years you have a fifth year and you have to do something with oh my god oh my god you're such a football dude like why are you why do you guys pose with your head up i know dude guys can't are you trying to press your neck like it's as big as possible this is our pose hey take a picture it's just it's never like this why hey take a, it's never like this. Why?

Hey, take a picture. It's always like this. And then it goes like this. Why do you put your head up? Is it so much? You just have to, bro. Is it like, yeah, I'm dominant. It's bro face. I'm looking down on you type thing?

It's bro face. Just what's up? Your neck is so fat. You don't want to take a picture like this. You don't want to take a picture. Hi. Like, you want to look, like, strong. So you're just like.

That is so. You're such a natural douche bag. I know. Like, it just seeps from your pores a natural douchebag. I know! It seeps from your pores. Oh my god. I have a blooper reel because I was a sports TV guy for a minute too.

That is so... You don't want to watch this shit. Wait, what happened there? You roided wrong? No, a guy's trying not to say the word parlay for one hour. Every fucking guy. Are you crying?

Dude, okay, there's this fucking steakhouse around the corner here, and they sell, like, cocktail sauce, like, shrimp cocktail sauce, and it's hot as fuck. Like, not a game. And I was like, oh, yeah, this stuff is hot. And I, like, underestimated it, and I, like, put so much on a piece of shrimp and ate it, and I was like I can turn this into a picture or something

so this is a highlight reel but it's you messing up I think wait like your side part like I was always sweaty as yeah because you have to wear oh my god another day at the pool like it's stupid as fuck dude and they were like we don't need that for me yeah and the players know, they don't have personality for that.

Wait, can you Google on YouTube Hannah Burner, Wisconsin? So my last semester I did some sports broadcasting because I wanted to be a sports broadcaster. Because like I know sports, I knew the athletes. So I was. You can be on tv oh shit there's stupid shit coming up yeah scroll down there has to be one scroll so much Jesus Christ oh wait is that you no so you're playing tennis scroll down why am i coming go maybe type in wisconsin basketball why did my football highlights come up under your Google search? What the fuck?

That's you. Yeah, that's like my real shit. Yeah, do basketball. Type in basketball. This is fun entertainment. Come on. Yeah. Holy shit.

I thought that was you. You could do that second one. Yeah, something stupid. This is is fake my eyebrows are so bad too this is like ant asmr for guys asmr i'm like every player had a over 10 rebounds and a double double it's pretty i wrote i would write the highlight oh wait go back go back i'm so bossy go back okay go to that um kaminsky breaks record yeah no no yeah that one okay so this one got pulled up it got it got like 200 000 views So if you press play, basically I was new and they didn't know

this guy Kaminsky was going to break the season scoring record of Michael Findley's. Yeah. I was so nervous. And you can't even hear yourself. You'll see it.

But Barstool picked it up. Oh, shit. And they were like, this reporter needs to get fucked and they just like started like hazing me okay so this one i start interviewing him and i can't hear myself and then all the guys he was a goofy motherfucker he does he's in nba now um and he's like funny on twitter he's very funny so it's a it's about to come up um oh my god throwback throwback now you're crying and shit so my interview gets interrupted barcel pick this up yeah'm yelling. I can't hear myself.

Those guys? That's one guy. What are we talking about? He knows. We got fucked up like the week before together. Like we're friends. Yeah, you guys partied. And he's trying to be serious and we know each other. He's laughing and shit.

Hard work. So were you thinking of your next question while he's talking? Of course, I don't know what he's saying. And I'm like nervous as fuck. Crab. Crab. So not you you know so then his dudes come in and they jump on you're like thank god thank fucking god something

happened to him just fucking someone so during it they were like the the men who hired me for it were freaking out because they gave me the smallest game it's north dakota like early on and they knew that everyone's gonna be picking it up and they were like do you know what triple double is i'm like yes like i knew what the fuck was going on but they were so nervous that i was gonna fuck it up but then barcel picks it up and then they messaged me like they were like can you be smoke show of the week and i was like no i have respect for myself i'm gonna be a famous sports broadcaster i don't believe in objectifying women and then fast forward four years i'm on call her daddy like his dick was so far up my ass

that shit is i don't know if that was worth it, making you guys watch that whole thing. Hi, sir. That's the best part. Hi. Oh, my God. Yeah. What did he say? I don't know. That's my ex. He found me.

He heard the one part of the podcast. He didn't hear anything until you're like, his dick was so far up my ass. And he's like, wait, what'd you say? How do I subscribe? Come to my show. 10 p.m. 10 p.m. Tonight. I'm going to heckle the fuck Come to my show. 10 p.m. 10 p.m. Tonight. Why are you bleeding down your leg on stage?

So the question is, who's a better sports broadcaster? Me or you? Oh, shit. We should just have a we should do a sports show. Espresso. Oh, channel. He wants to know what channel. Podcast. Apple podcast. Podcast. You got Wi-Fi, dog?

Go to Starbucks. They got Wi-Fi. Nice. I love how we ended the conversation like we were boys. He was like, good talk. I'll talk to you in a bit. Such a nice goodbye like see you later so genuine anyway um i think we need to do a sports show sports anchors i don't know what the fuck they're talking about i mean i think it'd be funny if we just made fun of the sports shit because everyone's so fucking serious with sports and then if you have any personality as

an athlete you'll get in trouble by your sponsors so those guys have to be like boring as fuck i know i was bad in the interviews because i would like say too much i would always ask people like the dumbest shit i'd be like okay how many points are you looking to do like all this bullshit sports then i'd be like well so what's your favorite pop-tart like i'd sneak that shit in at the end they'd be like brown cinnamon sugar but all right you know michael rapaport yeah he had a funny thing where he'd interview with the players but he he'd like go up to them and be like why don't you retweet my tweet like they would and they'd have like fake little fights and they'd be like who let this old white dude in and they'd like push him and stuff it'd be funny i think there needs to be more humor in the sports arena for sure we'll manifest that

shit sports guys i can't take you seriously when you gargoyle like that. I have to sit like this. Also, fun fact, your hips are so flexible. Did yoga for a while. Dude, I can't do that. I actually can't do that. You can't sit like this? No. Try it.

You're like, I've been freeballing lately. I'm like, try to squat. Oh, shit. Dude, if you fall over. Hi. Your face is like beet red your nose is bleeding you're like okay

I can do it I also have heels on anyway oh god sorry we low key need to get going to our show yeah we have a show

coming up like in how long what time is it it's 630 yeah we got a show in an hour yeah let's go through

at least one of these we didn't go through any it's 6 30 yeah we got a show in an hour yeah let's go through at least one of these uh we didn't go through any it's cool we'll save it oh shit these are way too serious what'd you get it's like i'm i'm looking how do i hide the body questions about your significant other that you'd like to ask hannah brer. This person goes, it's International Mustard Day today. Okay, here we go. Zane Hidat. Love advice. Can girls control when they queef like they can a fart?

Oh my God, that is the best question I've ever been asked. And I'm so happy they brought that up because um can i control my queefs it seems like no you they're definitely you can't sometimes but i think there are moments where like i know if i do something it'll queef yeah like i can't move my leg back like i every now and then yoga actually yoga like you know when you can put your legs up in the air yeah for whatever reason that shit makes me queef every time like the air goes in a weird i don't know i never i did yoga a lot for like three years and i never heard anybody fart but me

every every fucking time i was like well somebody just do it that's right i do in the city in new york city there's hip-hop yoga so i could fart freely because like there's biggie smalls playing yeah the music sounds like a fart yeah and then everyone's so close together so like no one knows where the source is but um i've as an excuse farted during sex and said it was a queef oh yeah that works yeah that guys would not as long as it doesn't smell the guy is like and he thinks it's hot he's like yeah i made you queef and i'm like yeah that was amazing babe that was amazing no it was the fucking yogurt it was the fucking ravioli i had last night but yeah you are doing good no i've done that too many times i'm like if he doesn't say any if he says something like what was that

i'd be like queef queef like trying to say it hot that's so hot i'm like like you're just so hard at queef try to say the ugliest word hot queef moist ah fuck queef it is asmr these mics are fun though i know i could listen to your sports anchor shit all day dude that was so funny because it was a it was a voiceover so i was and then i was in the mic and i was just like and then she got a double double and it was crazy and then she dunked over her and then she fell down because she cursed out the coach it was amazing he got frank kaminsky queefed shout out to frank kaminsky though yeah frank the tank right yeah frank the tank he's my boy but the fun part about it though is he was a freshman and I was a senior. So, like, we would, like, go in a basketball party and all the basketball guys would shit on him because he was a freshman.

I remember just being like, who's that goofy bro? And then he became the shit the next year. Yeah. So he was like, have you not hazed me at a party? I'm like, yeah, just answer these fucking questions, bro. Because I don't have the power anymore. I'm retired. And he's the shit.

But, yeah, we're has-beens has-beens bro yeah we need to we need to start that sports show we're doing it making fun of sports i'm down to like find clips of the week and just shit on it okay we're doing it okay all right that's the espresso podcast you have adhd uh duh he was straight up mid podcast be thinking about some other shit so much shit this whole time i think i interviewed you i interviewed you this he had me on and he was just like podcast what's up i've been watching this car fucking reverse into that parking spot during your whole breakdown of your relationship. I was like, are they going to fucking get this in one take?

That's why you're so bad at bartending. You were like, what do you want? And then we looked down at the menu, look up, and this motherfucker's like cleaning the sink. I was gone. I was at my apartment. Cleaning the sink. So yeah, go to the Eagle, ask for Ben, prepare four hours to get your drink and it'll be lit. Follow Hannah on Insta.

Hannah Byrne. Wait, being Byrne. Being Byrne. B-E-N. Oh, fuck. B-E-N-G-B-E-R-N-Z on Twitter, Instagram. And go to HannahByrne.com to see my comedy tour. If I'm coming to a city near you.

Oh, yeah. Where are you next? Are you every weekend i'm doing it's random like i'm doing west nyack new york i'm doing nashville i'm doing florida i've never been to nashville it's the same thing doing texas more drunk way more drunk yeah pedal bars everywhere tampton pedal yeah um no one is tricking me with alcohol to do exercise exercise fuck that okay there you go go to a website go to a show fuck i don't know how to wrap this shit up okay and we'll talk to you guys next week hi fam