Espresso - how did you almost die?

Episode Date: June 15, 2023

on this ep benny reacts to the times that you almost died (like almost dying in a pool chicken fight)🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedictLeave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 

Does this guy have weapons or something in the bedroom? Yeah, of course. Yeah, he has two shotguns in the safe and a handgun. Ammunition in there? Yes, there is. Okay, lady, this is probably a job for the local county sheriff's department. Shot 267. I'm baby girl Benny Polizzi, and today we're going to talk about the time you almost died.

These are my favorite podcasts. And I was thinking about this. Nobody has a podcast like this, do they? So thank you for your voice messages. You don't know how much they mean and they're fire. So yeah, we're going to talk about that in just a second. But remember to join the Patreon. $5 a month for an extra episode every single week in a live stream

every Sunday night at 10 o'clock. The things we said, the convos we had on the last live stream, I'll never tell, twin. I'll never tell. You just got to join the Patreon and find out. But yeah, $5 a month. That's it.

Let's talk though. How did I almost die? I almost ran off of a mountain you ever do that no but uh i was driving to california it's fucking crazy when you drive hold on i gotta turn this light on fuck i was driving to california driving to californ California is the most insane thing. Cause every time I drive anywhere, it's like four hours and all you see is like billboards. I say, Jesus is coming back.

And other billboards that are like Tom Raper RVs this way on the right. And that's it. But driving to California, bro, you actually see some shit, because when you start going to the west coast, there's like hills, mountains, I was like, I don't think we're, I don't think my mind is equipped, I honestly, I've never seen anything like this shit in my life, which is so midwest,

but yeah, we were like going up, there were signs that were like, yo, if you spin out of control, like fucking drive up this, this like part of the road right here. And I was like, damn, I thought my car broke down like three times, but it was just like, wasn't used to like the terrain. I was like, I can't believe we can drive on these fucking roads anyway. So we got all the rest stops are like in the craziest fucking places of all time. There's a rest stop just on the grand Canyon or some shit. And we're up there and I'm just like, this is a rest stop. And I'm running around on this mountain cause I'm excited. And my shoes are like kind of untied cause I'm your boys in the car. You know, I'm cozy in the car. That's one thing about me. One

thing about me, I'm not wearing jeans and looking good on road trips. I'm wearing whatever I wear to sleep. That's my most comfortable fit. I'm wearing that in the car. It'll be clean and I'm not going to sleep in the night before, but like whatever I wear to sleep, like that's what I'm driving in big, like comfortable t-shirt and then like basketball shorts and a Nike Prestos. That's what I had on. My shoes were loose and I was just running on this mountain and dude, the mountain stopped and I didn't know. And I did one of these fucking. And my sister was just like, yo, you almost died for real. And I was like, yeah, I know.

So let's keep driving to this mountain. That's going to kill us too. That's how I almost died. We got a lot of voice messages. I know there's like two other ways I almost died too. Oh, when I was playing college football, there's like this fan in our locker room. Our locker room was like from the Civil War.

So there's a fan that was like hanging by a fucking thread, dude. One of the blades literally came off the fan. And here's my locker. I'm like putting shit in my locker. This is in college and the fan blade goes and it like impales my locker and I was like, I thought somebody threw it at me.

I was like, dude, but like good throw. Yeah, that should have probably sliced my head off. But yeah, those are two ways i almost died let's hear yours how'd you almost die can't wait let's hear it well we went on a cruise and one of the stops was in Jamaica. There really wasn't much to do, but they had this little like makeshift water park on the beach with these two slides. So my siblings and I decided to be fun to do that. We get up there and of course I'm the first one to go down. It was fine for like the first two seconds. And as soon as I hit that first turn, instead of, you know, just like turning slightly, going up a little bit and then going down, my entire ass and legs fly out of this thing.

Like, I feel like I'm just going to fly out straight instead of turning onto this beach to my death. Like, there is no way this thing was regulated in any sort of way. I don't think any so afterwards of course i had to do it again if you're not gonna die you at least gotta try to die twice come on damn i think every single water slide i've ever seen i'm like how are how aren't people just dying dying dying You know that slide that's at like Kings Island and every other water park ever. That's just straight fucking

down. That's the most terrifying shit in the world. Just a straight drop. I swear to God, I would die if I went on that bitch. You already know it. How's my ass not flinging off

the side of a big ass tube slide god water parkers are so sexy let's keep going so i actually died while being born i came out breach with the umbilical cord around my neck they had to cut me out C-section style from mom. Side note. Gang. My aunt, her sister, was on her OB rotation during her RN program and had to assist while reviving me and my mom. So not almost died, but did die. Damn. See that one.

Homie's an angel. Somebody looks getting choked. I feel like that's like six out of every ten people that you know. Everybody I talked to is like when I was a baby, I came out and my head was literally fucking purple. I'm like, yeah, you and everybody else. I know. purple i'm like yeah you and everybody else i know uh i feel like a lot i feel like a lot of people are almost dying when they're kids is that normal like if you didn't almost die like

get a life my bitch ass probably almost died uh yeah duh Okay, but your mom's sister was in there dealing with it? Dude, C-section shit. That's some alien stuff, honestly. If an alien came down to the planet and watched someone give birth, they'd be like, oh, you're one of us. We come in peace. Because that shit is crazy. They come out with a cord hooked up to them.

I'm like, damn, dog. We can't be wireless. We can't have a Bluetooth birth. We got to be hooked up still. Auxiliary cord in my fucking stomach yeah if they can't do that if it's choking them we gotta slice your gut open let's keep going time i almost died whoa i was driving down the highway and my hood unlatched yeah it slammed into my windshield um luckily i, I kind of knew the area, and it wasn't that busy,

so I just hit the flashers, and I just kind of had to slowly get over and end up being safe, but there ended up being some damage to part of the roof that they couldn't really fix. there ended up being some damage to part of the roof that they couldn't really fix. So that shit would leak for the rest of the time I had the car. And so let's just say when girls were riding with me, it didn't take rain for them to get wet. Fuck. Oh, shit.

I think that every time I drive. And I'm not cheering when you guys almost die. Actually, yeah, I am. Because this, I mean, you guys didn't die. We can laugh about it, right? Well, that's what we're going to do. Dude, if I was, every time I drive, i'm like how is my the roof of my car not flipping up into the windshield at every second and if you really watch the roof of your car

while you drive it's like at least my shit is maybe i should sit on that bitch and like click it in my roof should be flying up into my wind that should that should be happening 24 7 yeah how's it not happened to my sister one time she had to she had to like get like uh like rock climbing ropes and like strap her hood down to her that's such a that's such a fucking high school car. Oh, you just learned how to drive and you're 16? Let's give you the shittiest car ever.

Yeah, the windshield's gonna pop up. Mm-hmm. Makes sense. Everybody's first car, just the biggest shit show. Dude, I swear to God, my transmission was messed up in my first car i hit a pothole so hard it fixed it

everybody's first car is a nut if you but if you have a nice car for your first car you deserve to wreck it milky boy Milky boy, almost dying by every current. Alright, so when I was a young'un, I climbed on top of a corner glass shelf. And it's basically just a giant piece of furniture with a hole. It's China, China. And it's like all glass on the front. Climbed on top of that with my stuffy-me-the-poo animal. And basically the whole thing fell on top of me. Blew out the one-eat-the-poo, like all the wind that was in him.

And then had tons of glass all over me. a giant scar I still have on my side. Almost died that time, two and a half, and then when I was like, I think I was still a single-digit slut, like eight or nine, somewhere in that ballpark, maybe been a double-digit Donnie, I don't know, either way. This guy. Basically went to the beach with my fam, got caught a riptide Got pulled away out and then finally was able to grab onto a rock Thank god On a jetty my dad ran out there

He almost got caught in the damn thing Pulled my sister and I out and still here Ha ha fuck Shit Yeah if you haven't almost died While in water You haven't lived You while in water, you haven't lived. You got to almost die in a pool.

That's just part of life. The amount of times I've been just in a neighborhood friend's pool and almost killed myself, probably 32 times. In my bitch, yeah. in my bitch yeah but one time i was in a pool and my friends shut the pool cover while i was underwater bro the the way my life flashed over above like in my head that's actually that's actually going to be a pretty lit way to go out you know that's actually that's actually going to be a pretty lit way to go out you know my life flash before my eyes i'm kind of looking forward to that like not in a dark way but like

you know i want to see like what are we doing up here what kind of life flash do we got my life flash before my eyes it's just gonna be like. All it is is me fucking drinking coffee every day. My life flashed before my eyes. It's the same thing I did for the last eight years. Yeah, it's always getting out of the pool, but you're under a raft and you're like, so dramatic. If you haven't died in a pool, don't want to talk.

I did almost die. My appendix bursted and I was actually at home in my bathtub and it bursted and I kind of like passed out. And then I couldn't feel my legs and I crawled down the stairs uh because my phone was down there my legs couldn't work so I crawled down the stairs fucking crazy got my phone to call my brother luckily he lives next door and he had like picked me up and put me in the car and everything we went to the er and I ended up passing out in the er room and went straight to surgery and I was like two hours away from dying. It was nuts.

Fuck. Yeah, man. I feel like every person I know has almost literally died because of their appendix. Why? Why can we? Hey, appendix. What? What do you actually do? You're just a ticking time bomb for people to die. There's there's I know at least 13 people that I'm like, I almost died because my appendix. Just a suicide bomber in your body, waiting i bet when you went to the er they were like is it serious or not how come like you just have to wait so long in the er no matter what

is happening i could walk into the er with all my limbs cut off they'd be like it's a four hour wait appendix can we do something about that hey god go to heaven hey god why appendixes and armpit hair what are we doing here because nobody likes either either. And back hair too. All hair should be gone. Let's keep going. Good afternoon, sir.

Wow. The coolest time that I almost died was after I contracted the coronavirus around Christmas in 2021. And I was living in Dallas at the time. My car was in the shop. So I had a rental car. And I was living in Dallas at the time.

My car was in the shop, so I had a rental car. And I was getting paid and had sick leave and all that. So I dropped acid and I drove to Roswell, New Mexico. Dude. I didn't see any aliens. But at one point in time, I swerved to avoid what seems to be an armadillo of some sort. And the car, rental car just kind of fishtailed,

you know, back and forth on the freeway. And it could have gone south. You know, I didn't wreck or anything. Thank knock on wood, but I didn't kill that armadillo, but I definitely,

I definitely could have died, man. That happened to me. Honestly. Dude, there's been like three people in the last week that have offered me shrooms did i say something did i do something that was like shroomy dad did i give off mushrooms vibes because three people have been like yo you wanna

they're like harmless bro you can like microdose them before we go over there. I'm like, whoa. Do you know how high I would get if I did mushrooms? I'd be high for three years. And I'm not buying microdosing. No, dude. Sounds like a scam to me. Scammers no scams

if i ate a mushroom i would probably die people would be talking and i i would see subtitles come out of their mouth i'd be like oh this is fine and it's always people always are doing like shrooms and shit like that at comedy shows. I'm like, I can't even remember this shit sober, dog. And you're taking drugs up there? Crazy. But no, one time I was in a car full of my friends. And we were playing the quiet game.

This is some dumb shit. We were playing the quiet game. I was driving. We're in this girl's mom's brand new car, obviously. And it was like first one to make a sound loses. Playing some dumb shit like that. There were girls there. Obviously, you only die when girls are involved.

And I just start heading towards the stop sign. Like full on, I'm going to drill the stop sign, and I'm just waiting for somebody to say something. No one says shit, and I go, fuck. I lost the quiet game, and I, the car should have flipped 15,000 times, the car should have flipped 15,000 times. And like when it finally like settled, like when the car,

like it stopped like, like, like skidding and fishtailing and shit. And like, we finally got it under control. I, I, I pressed the brake cringe moment of the week. And I was like,

Oh my God, I'm so sorry. And I, I went to get out of the car and the car wasn't in park. So it just fucking kept going, dude. Never. I was like, Oh my God, I'm so sorry. And I went to get out of the car and the car wasn't in park. So it just fucking kept going, dude. Never. It's like, ah, sure. So my, I almost died story came when I fell asleep. When I was driving, I was nodding off while driving down a two lane road. And one of the times I woke up and realized that I was going off the side of the road, I whipped the wheel the other way and did a major overcorrection, made the car spin 360 degrees around, somehow didn't flip it. But when

I was all done spinning, I ended up being in the right lane going the direction I initially was going on. So the other way that I could have almost died in that besides going off the road was a car ended up driving past me in the other lane about 60 seconds later. So I had that initial spin happened about a minute later. That could have been ugly for both of us. No, I'm still here, though, man. God is good. Good for you, dog. Boy, getting lucky. Oh god man the the way i've fallen asleep on 465 in full traffic who hasn't everybody's either so tired or so drunk driving there's

not one person that's sober. I'm convinced. And how come when you fall asleep when you're driving, it feels like you've been asleep for 17 hours? Oh, bro. So tired in the car. The things I'll do in the car to stay awake. And it's not like I'm working off one hour of sleep. When I'm tired in the car, it's just because it's not like I'm I'm working off one hour of sleep when I'm tired in the car it's just because it's so boring to drive I'm just driving just down the road and I'm like Jesus it's warm

in the car you know you're like the motion gets me and I'm a little bitch that would fall asleep in the car when I was a kid like non-stop my mom used would fall asleep in the car when i was a kid like non-stop my mom used to put me in the car if i was like not going to sleep she just put me in the car gone you can put me in anything bro i will all any type of transportation planes by cars by a jet by jet ski yeah who's not falling asleep in the car it's so easy and it's so it feels so good i was backpacking guatemala last may and i'm in the middle of the jungle at a hostel with a bunch

of other random european tourists and we i wish i would never do anything like this i kind of wish i did sometimes sign up for a cave tour and we show up and there's a five foot guatemalan man shirtless with a giant tattoo of a beetle from his neck all the way down he gave us each a candle and we headed off into the cave no helmets no safety protection and there was like water up to our necks, and there's a rope, and we're like swimming and staying next to the rope with a candle in one hand. I hear a really loud sound, and I can't tell what it is because it's pitch black inside, and it's a waterfall,

and there's a rope hanging down from the waterfall that he wants us to repel up, and I literally thought I was going to slip on that shit and die and never be seen again with the beetle man tour guide you always wonder like how tour guides for shit like that became tour guides for shit like that you're like so this is this is this was it for you and they're always so confident. You know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just jump off this rope right into this waterfall. It's like, dude, we don't do this shit every day. We're from the city. Nah, you're fine. It's always like the counselor guy. You're good. Scorpion tattooed on his leg. That's one thing I couldn't, I could never honestly do. I'll do a lot

of stupid shit, but I don't think I could ever jump off of like, you know, people are like cliff diving, bro. Come on, live a little, you should do it. You never do anything like this. You should. So there's no rocks. Every time I see a cliff diving video on the internet something fucked up happens i've never seen it's like it's like it doesn't count if you don't snap your leg somebody slips on a big ass wet rock duh because it's wet as fuck and it's a rock or someone like you know dude this i love these videos but like when the like when somebody that shouldn't be hanging on to a rope hangs on to a rope and then goes off the rock and then doesn't let go of the rope everyone's seen that video or all 50 million of those videos that would

be me so hard don't let go at the right time and then just smack the fuck out of the side of a cliff. Nothing good has ever happened. People will jump into water like it's like there's nothing down there. I'm like, bro, what if there's a real sharp rock? I'll land on something, my dumb ass. I'll land on a fucking fish and I'll go straight up my ass. I'll literally, I'll land on a swordfish. Let's keep going. Not me, but I try to feed my brother to alligators. Wait.

wait not me but i try to feed my brother to um alligators why you know how bad you gotta hate your fucking brother and that's a girl too girls usually like their siblings a little bit but that's what and they so would just eat that bitch in one gulp hey animals you can chew it you can chew it part of me thinks like if i got swallowed by an alligator i'd be cool i'm a dumb ass but like me and an alligator stomach, I think I'm getting out of there. That's some destructive shit. I don't know if I would have admitted that, but

that seems more okay than like feeding a dog to an alligator it does i don't know why it's like why did you feed your brother to an alligator like he's being fucking annoying all right yeah all right bro so um i was at a buddy's house and um about to leave it was you know about 8 30 at night about to leave and uh he's like hey man can, can you come over with me to help with a favor for my neighbor? Didn't ask any questions. Thought we were just going to probably be lifting a couch or moving a cherry wood desk or something. Worst favor ever. He said 10 minutes.

So we stroll on over there, go up to the front door knock on this late you know the door and this lady answers and she goes okay awesome thanks for you guys for coming over um i'm gonna need you guys to go up to the master bedroom and serve these divorce papers and i'm like thinking divorce papers again thought we were moving furniture nope we're serving this guy his divorce papers that he has no idea about um so we get up there knock on the door yeah dimitri open up you know knock knock knock dimitri open up fuck man i thought we could let it rip for longer than a minute on these things so all right knock on the door dimitri he ain't opening up all right okay lady you know we you You're going, babes. in there yes there is okay lady um this is probably a job for the local county sheriff's department not to

dingbat neighbors uh that you know are putting their lives at risk with a pissed off husband who is part of the Ukrainian mob or Russian mob or whatever but that shit was wild I thought we were gonna leave this dude was gonna blow through that door like Arnold Schwarzenegger

in the Terminator. It was fucking wild. Yo. Is it just me? But if my wife wanted to divorce me, I would be like, not mad. I'd be like, yeah. Respect. Respect. If anybody's that mad about getting divorced,

there's like something else going on. You get to lose, you lose half your shit. Perfect. I didn't want to have this shit anyway. I'm trying to like, I'm trying to get rid of some stuff. That's the reason you get divorced. Like we got too much clutter. You want to get divorced?

Yeah, that's the reason you get divorced like we got too much clutter you want to get divorced yeah that's why i would never say yes to that oh you got tricked into it didn't you well i i would immediately leave i'd be like yo how much are you paying us like are you making us a meatloaf and macaroni like there's got to be some type of trade-off here i'm not just going gonna go up in this weird at weirdos room and tell him he's getting divorced and by the way like me and my friend going up here telling this guy we're gonna divorce he probably thinks we're banging his wife or something like that so like make sure you three times on the interstate and it slid on the hood of the truck all the way into the ditch and thank god i didn't hit anyone and i only had glass in my head and i wasn't wearing my seatbelt. Don't know how I lived through that one, but that's cool. The other one, my horse, one of them that I still have now, reared up and fell over on

top of me, like on top of all of like my torso and everything and my head. I was wearing a helmet, but all they did was shattered my head. I was wearing a helmet, but all they did was shattered my shoulder. And yeah, probably should have died then. A couple of times. But yeah, that's mine. If a horse fell on top of me, the rage that would go through my body, horsesorses already scared the complete shit out of me.

They have to be the scariest animal, right? A shark. You never see him chickens and shit. Who cares? Uh, a bear. Never see him.

And also bears. Like if I saw a bear, I'd be like, do I like run away or do I give it a big hug and like sleep with it? Wolves. I'm like, okay, never seen that, but I hear him. Bro, if you just, dude, if I saw a horse, like imagine walking at night on a street and there's a horse with his neck and head over a fence. And you're on the other side walking.

If I saw that shit i would get so fucking my mouth just watered because i got so scared thinking about it horses are the scariest that big long ass face weird alien eyes and people are obsessed horses are terrifying. I feel like at any second, a horse could just snap to and fuck you up. What are horses waiting on? Like a wild horse.

Those things should just be running into the city and just breaking through windows and shit. I'm just waiting for the day one of those horses on the like that like drag around the carriages. I'm just waiting for them for that fucking thing to snap and run through a Starbucks. You got that done And I got that. So the way I almost died, I almost went headfirst into a creek. When I was like nine, my family wanted to go to the snow for whatever reason. And so I had like one of those like saucers. And when I was going down the hill the first like three times, it was fun.

Well, the fourth time, apparently i just forgot to use my feet to break and i just i just started like she's like staring off to the left and some guy had to grab me by my ankles and twirl me around but if he wasn't there baby girl's gonna be head first into a creek blood and all so needless to say we don't like the snow uh yeah you you gotta almost die when you go sledding for sure or else it's not fun i don't know what happens to me when i uh when i like when snow is in play i i'm like okay full contact mode i'll just get into violent mode so for sledding if someone's sledding down a hill i will come i will run full speed at you and tackle you i don't know why i'm just like we're in snow so that's like a pretty big like mattress you know and we're all wearing like

four pounds of clothes that's pretty much like pads. I'm kind of indestructible in the snow. No fear. You could shoot me with a sawed off shotgun. I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you going next down the hill or what's up? Right? Am I the only one that's complete combat mode when there's snow on the ground? I am taking people's legs out just cause we're in the snow i thought my fate i thought my uh my feet were gonna have to get chopped off one time though because i got so cold your toes ever get so cold you're just like yeah damn i'm gonna be one of those guys with no feet sledding don't know why i kept like when you're a kid bro you get i feel like kids are almost tougher than adults sometimes because my feet i i swear to god i can't feel either of my toes because i just was sledding for two hours now if i can't feel my feet i'm i'm i'm out of commission

i'm gone. And like when you're, anybody ever push your face into the snow? I feel like that's something only my family did for some weird shit. But me and my sister would just be, my sister would beat the piss out of me, dude. Cause my sister was like a strong person and she was probably like 14 and i was probably like 10 and she would ragdoll my shit and push my face into the snow and shit i almost

thought i was gonna die it was like it was like it just felt like my face was on fire for four days the way the way my the way my the frostbite like my face was on fire for four days. The way, the way my, the way my, the frostbite on my face. Should I just keep going? When I was younger, my friends and I, we played like that chicken fight game that you do in the pool. And I had my friend like on my shoulders and I ended up falling and I couldn't get up because she wouldn't get off of me and I even had to hit her a couple times and nothing worked so I almost drowned while playing chicken fight and they thought it was hilarious so and I did not think it was that funny god i've never died during chicken fight but every time i play during

well when i was whenever every anytime i play chicken fight i always someone's clothes always come off on accident you ever fight so hard you just take somebody's clothes off how come that's happened to me every time i've almost been in a fight one time we were playing chicken fight and we were hanging on like monkey bars which somehow seems like we're not able to say monkey bars anymore but i was hanging on these monkey bars this other guy's hanging on these monkey bars and we could we could we had to like whoever whoever kicks someone else first loses i fucking took off the kid's pants with my feet they were like kick his ass oh fuck he just took his pants off and like i and like i don't know why i just kept doing it like once they were halfway down i was like bro your pants are coming

off you know how strong my feet are dude Dude, my feet are monkey hands. I can crochet a blanket with these bitches. You know on Ripley's, believe it or not, when they showed that lady that only did things with her feet because she had more coordination in them than her hands? That's me. I'm that bitch. in them than her hands.

That's me. I'm that bitch. Almost died playing chicken. Here we go. So I'm on vacation in St. Lucia and I'm having a great time and one of the locals there offers me some fresh fruit called a key.

And this shit was incredible so i'm housing this stuff don't think anything of it get back to the room that night and i'm feeling like shit so i googled what is a key and all that comes up are these articles that say top 10 deadliest fruit will die a slow and painful death do not eat so i'm flipping shit i'm losing my mind so i go to the front desk of the resort we're staying at and it turns out what they call a key and what americans call a key are two completely different fruit so i thought i was gonna die a slow and painful death in this foreign country for eating a mango slice yo how good are you

can we have a moment moment of silence for mangoes real quick so underappreciated thank you but damn uh yeah how about uh like is this a myth or not like the fruit that they had that like grows on bushes and shit in the woods that like deers eat and stuff how come we can't eat those they're poison i'm like it looks like a raspberry to me what about all the other raspberries I've eaten in my life? Are those not? Deer just having the time of their life at a buffet on a bush

and we can't even sniff that shit? Or we'll get hives and die? It's poison. Yeah, I just want everybody. The reason this podcast is happening right now is for everybody to go have a pre-sliced mango tonight it's the best fucking food best fruit it's the best fruit a dried dried mango? Have you had dried mango before? It's fucking, you can chew on it.

It's chewy. It tastes good. It tastes like candy. There's nothing in it. I've eaten four bags of dried mangoes. And I was like, my stomach hurts a little bit. And then I realized I just ate 26 mangoes in 10 minutes or in 4 bags

no so it'd probably be in like 2 hours 2 hours 26 mangoes I was like alright should've died then too let's keep going

dude I almost died doing the drinking around the world challenge at Epcot at Walt Disney World. And I have the worst experience with it. I had a beer in Mexico, beer in Norway, beer in China. Dude. Shot of Jaeger in Germany, sangria in Italy, a beer in America. So fucked up.

Hot sake in Japan. Dude. And then I died in Moroccoocco i didn't even make it all the way around the world the worst part wasn't me going to the hospital uh to get iv fluids and liquids it was the fact that my wallet fell out of my pocket no i was in the ambulance and i had to go on a wild goose chase for a full month after that. Oh. Trying to figure out where my wallet was. I had to cancel all my cards and everything. And then literally the week after I canceled all my cards,

I found my wallet and they got it taken care of. So that was not a fun experience. Sounds like the most Disney World shit to me ever. Oh my God. Who can make it around the world there? My fucking everybody's uncle. Everybody has one uncle that can just throw down. How come that happens every single time though?

You lose your wallet. Cancel all your cards. There's my wallet. Every single... You got to get the Apple AirTag. This is not an ad. But those AirTags have saved me so much time. Not even kidding.

If I can't find my wallet for 13 seconds, I'm like, all right. Go to the tags, girly. Yeah, it seems like. I didn't even know they had that kind of shit in disney world i thought it was just all for kids but that's what's going on at disney world adults are just getting fucked up no wonder huh i wouldn't stand a damn chance at Disney World because everything is so... All the rides, I'm like, I'm good on that, dude. I'm good on the Cinderella shit.

I almost died on the first weekend of my senior year in college because I went to a party and drank an entire fifth of Red, White, and Berry Smirnoff and like six Miller Highlives. How I didn't go to the hospital remains a mystery. How come Red, White, and Berry Smirnoff and like six Miller Highlives. Um, how I didn't go to the hospital remains a mystery. How come red, white, and berry Smirnoff sounds so good? That 4th of July vodka, man, nothing liquor brands like more than the 4th of July, bro. You can get me on the 4th of July, make anything red white and blue and i'm like oh my god with berries what a night for you a half and half uh what's it called a half g no it's called a a fifth and six miller lights sounds like breakfast in indiana hey benny

so i almost died when i went to go visit my friend in his office and he hugged me so tight apparently i started like convulsing i like went down to the ground and um i passed out i woke up thank god he was very excited and very scared all at the same time i had no idea what had Um, but it was a really weird situation, but, um, but I didn't die. And, um, even today we refer to it as, uh, the kill hug. Love you. Um, if that happened to me and I was the hug guy, I wouldn't have told you. Does that make me evil? No, nope. It makes me completely normal. and I was the hug guy, I wouldn't have told you. Does that make me evil? No. Nope.

It makes me completely normal. If you almost kill somebody, and they convulse and wake up, and they're like, what happened? I'm going to be like, you tripped. Oh, my God. I'm not fessing up. You kidding me? I almost killed you.

I'm so sorry. Then you got to explain that. Nah, bro. You tripped. Skip it. Two more. I put a pop of smurf toy up my ass, and I ended up with sepsis. We got to run that back.

I put a pop of smurf toy up my ass, and I ended up with sepsis. We got it. I just get that this needs to be the intro this needs to be every time i get a text this place i put a pop of smurf toy up my ass and i ended up with sepsis what the fuck is sepsis sepsis sounds like something that happens to your toilet when it won't flush buys Buys extreme response to an infection. What was on the Smurf toy? Sepsis happens when you already have triggers, a chain reaction through your body.

Oh, dude. My boy got sepsis from an action figure? Have I not done that? I'm kind of jealous. Papa Smurf right in the fucking poop chute. Ah! I just want to know what else you're putting up your ass, dog. Last one.

So the time I almost died is I was in Mexico and it was late night at this little, you know, club bar. And I kind of just wander off to the stage by myself. I was with a group of like seven people, like five of them were guys. And I just decided, let me just like step off the side to myself and I was like very drunk very under other influences if you will and then all of a sudden this large Mexican man in all black comes up to me and I thought this is just you know a

security guard he's like looks like all the other security guards. Puts his arm around me, whispers in my ear, don't say anything. Starts pulling me like towards the back. Mind you, I'm like in this guy's armpit. He's massive. He starts pulling me towards the back. Thank goodness my guy friend was in reaching.

Whoa. Okay, so saying thank goodness my guy friend was like in reaching distance. So I like grab him and I'm like, this is my boyfriend. And he's like, bro, bro, like back off. This is my girlfriend. And the guy was like, shut the fuck up. Like whatever. Keeps trying to move me.

The guy had like my guy friend had to like pull me away like out of this guy's like grass and yeah so that was a very traumatic what's homeboy doing i almost got taken in mexico and i can only assume pretty close to dying fuck still went back the next year though that a baby yeah if you don't if you almost die you gotta try it again why do i sound like the ea sports guy there if you don't almost die you gotta try it again if you don't almost die you gotta try it again ea sports it's in the game. Taken in Mexico.

How about every dad's fear since the movie Taken came out? It's just that. I don't want my daughter going anywhere. That's my fucking dad, bro. My sisters are like, I got to go to Illinois to pick up a package. My dad's like, my dad thinks he's fucking Liam Neeson at that moment. I have a certain set of skills. I'm like, bro, they're fine.

They can fucking cross the border. Every dad ever thinks he's Liam Neeson. Now when their daughters do anything. You want me to fly there with you? I'll fly there with you. But you almost really got taken. What if he was just going to make you some food and shit? That's what I think that's going to happen every second of the day. I think my stupid happy ass is going to be walking down the sidewalk and somebody's going to come up behind me with a rag

and I'm just going to fall down. And when I wake up, I'm just going to be like in an empty racquetball court or some shit. You know, you ever think that like, that's the place I don't want to wake up the most. It's either like a saw movie, but that's kind of played out. But if I was just in a racquetball court, I wake up in a racquetball court, I'd be like, ah, fuck. I don't even need to be chained to anything. I wake up in my dad's living room and he's just watching film. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.

That's the next espresso question of the week. If you get taken somewhere what's like what's your torture saw not i it's okay i could wake up there with a chain wrapped around my leg and only one way out but if i wake up in a fucking football film room that's it for me girly that's it for me, girly. That's it, baby. Shot 267. Fam, I love you. Join the Patreon for an extra episode every week in the live stream Sunday nights um show dates dropping soon big shit popping soon

is he gonna rap now is he a rapper now but uh thanks for following on Instagram I love you guys for real I love this pod

there's nothing like this pod I'm dead ass serious and once the world finds out about this little this little thing we got going on

shit's gonna be different but all right uh love you fam thanks so much talk to you next time