Espresso - i answer all your questions

Episode Date: July 13, 2023

on this ep benny answers all the crazy questions you ask about him (like was FBOY ISLAND scripted?) 🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedictLeave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 

mine is a would you rather um would you rather have a gay son or a hoe daughter thank you oh shit baby girl what up psychos i'm your valedictorian benny and today you're gonna ask me some questions and i'm gonna answer them and i'm a little sweaty about it not gonna lie but hey if you're not a little sweaty, you're not trying. So before we get started, hey, remember to tell your psycho friends about the pod. Come on. Let's grow the club.

Leave a rating, review on Apple Pods, and leave a little comment on YouTube. And you will be kissed on the forehead for that. And join the Patreon. $5 a month for an extra episode every single week. I love a fucking epi. Give me a fucking epi. And a live stream every Sunday night. Join that shit.

You guys are funny as fuck. And the more people that join, we'll realize that. And dude, Sunday nights now are just a whole different ball game dude sunday nights for me used to be depression sabotage sunday now i'm just like yo i'm about to piss my pants on the live stream join it questions for me we've never done this before why am i nervous let's talk never done this before why am i nervous let's talk anything to have but um my friend sarah has a question mine is a would you rather um would you rather have a gay son or a hoe daughter

thank you oh shit baby girl i'm not having any sons i already know that all my kids are gonna be girls i just there's something about it and i don't know what it is but i don't really care either one's fine but i know i'm gonna have a whole daughter. It is what it is. What do I want to? No, but I think, I think every girl kind of goes through that little, little, little phase.

I mean, you got to figure it out, right? Gay son would be lit. That'd be the dream, but I know it's not happening to me. A gay son. Are you shitting me?

God, the things I do for a not happening to me. A gay son? Are you shitting me? God, the things I'd do for a gay son. Please! Just, can you imagine a more, that's your son? Oh. Gay people, first of all, are the most helpful motherfuckers in the world. Bro, gay people know everything. motherfuckers in the world bro gay people know everything ask ask a gay person what time a movie is playing they know all the times they just do hey what time's avatar on in the theater by like

the mall there's there's a show at a 8 10 uh there's a matinee at noon if you want to go to that i mean there's one at 140 if you don't have time i'm just like how do you guys they know so much shit in the you know when you know like when your parents are like kind of being uh annoying when you're growing up and you like checked them and you're like dad don't wear those pants and your dad would be like fuck you you. Don't tell me what to do. You don't know shit. If my gay son told me not to wear some pants, I'd be like, yo, come here. I love you. You don't know how much, that's true love right there. You check my fit as a dad. I'm only trusting my gay son and that's it. But I'm probably having all girls gonna have a hoe face you just gotta fucking look down you gotta look at yourself in the mirror and be like duh they're gonna a hoe

for life though i don't know if i could i don't know if i could deal with that i might have to be like hey you need to i see what you're bringing to christmas and need to, we need to figure this out a little bit. We need to, we need to get your, I don't know if you really, we need to figure out your style a little bit more. We need to, we need to hammer down your type. We can work with it. Also, do you have any allergies? Just wondering. Oh, that is some bitchy shit. Do I have allergies? Yo, one time when I was a kid, I kept getting hives, like nonstop. That was like four hives.

Every day, I just had so many goddamn hives. And they had to like, they had to do that thing where i like lay on the doctor table on like the deli paper i had to lay on my stomach and they pricked my back with like 75 needles to figure out what i was allergic to because nobody could figure it out i was like missing school your boy had a puffy ear like i like i wrestled in high school. Puffy eyes. Everything was always swollen. And they were like, he's allergic to mold. And I was like,

he isn't everybody. But that's what they came up with. I guess I'm allergic to mold, but everybody's fucking allergic to mold. I think they just didn't know what to say. So they're like, mold! I might be allergic to shrimp because I swear I'm not under cooking that shit. But every time I make shrimp,

the smoke detector goes off. The fucking fire truck show up at my house. My stoves on fire. My clever thing in my house smells like smoke. And I eat shrimp, and it still gives me hives on my face. Why? It's cooked. I promise it's cooked. I might be allergic to shellfish on some weird shit, but I'm still eating it. I'm eating it.

I'll take the hives. Shrimp hives. Shrimp. I'll walk around for four days with a with a swollen face with a big eye just for that cocktail sauce baby let's keep going in the podcast we see you doing the viral tiktoks the hit reality shows now featured on, the stand-up comedy. What's the goal? Is it

world domination and stand-up comedy? I know there's going to be a Johnson at the end of this. Is it getting the Netflix special, that type of thing? Is it having the most viral TikToks in the history of planet earth

you know in other words what's your uh avengers slash taylor swift in the game dude this is i'm glad you asked because i don't even know deep down i like deep down what i want to do is be in a movie like a popping ass movie like i don't care if it's a rom-com i know i'm just like loft and like very high goals out there i want to be in like a like a rom-com something like that that's just funny shit it'd be so lit to be like you know like oh my god like i want to be in like an avengers movie that'd be so sick like oh yeah he's he's he's iron man like don't i would love that but uh i'm not gonna I don't really know if like that, I don't know. It's hard to like to even say that because that's such like a lofty goal that I don't know. I just got to keep like hammering and doing what I'm doing.

And I think it'll all work out in the end. Because if you just like drive to be the next fucking guy in a rom-com like it never happens that way so yeah i want to have netflix specials for sure the reason i'm on tiktok and instagram and stuff like that is really just to to you know find the homies across the world, across the country and meet the dope ass people, have them come, like you guys come to shows and listen to the podcast.

Like this is the dream right here, honestly, right now, when you think about it, which is crazy. It's not even, the people don't even know that the psychos are alive on the pod. But right now is the most lit it's ever been.

So I thank you guys so much for being Gs and rolling with me. But it's only going to get better. I think as a comedian, come out with some Netflix, just any type of special really i'm not gonna like you know it's gotta be netflix i don't know who knows what's gonna happen in two years it might not even be netflix anymore but like come out with some specials do the thing with comedy hopefully get pitched for a movie be in in commercials. That's my goal. And then take over the world.

And I really want my podcast to jump off to all these things, man. They all lead to something else. So I'm just trying to work as hard as I can on every single thing I'm doing. And eventually, dude, people can't deny hard work. So I'm just going to keep doing this until avenues open. You already know what that is, but yeah. Uh, want to be the next Tony Stark kind of. Okay. So my question to you is, have you ever accidentally, but consciously knew that you farted in front of a girl? And if so, how badly do you want to bash your head

into a corner of a wall and die? I kind of... Hold on. There's more. Ta-ha! Fuck! Ta-ha! Ta-ha! Fuck!

Have I farted in front of a girl yes um and it was the worst timing ever and but usually after i fart around people i kind of black out like my brain deletes it so i don't know what happens but i was with this girl and it was like we're trying to like kind of you know we're getting there you know to like, kind of, you know, we're getting there. You know, the, the, the portion of before you like do something with a girl, it's like kind of, it's kind of like, what are we doing anyway? What are we fucking doing? What are we even talking about? It was in that moment where you're like, you know, you're like trying to be like cool and keep it together. Just don't fucking say something stupid that's the only l you can take

like if you really want to ruin some shit like don't don't call her don't call her a bitch right now that's that's as far you know just don't do anything dude i fucking farted in the moment where it's all, it's just don't fart. Guess what? Shreddy McGee up to bat. I was like doing something stupid and I don't know. I was trying to like, I was trying to be awkward, but like you know, so it so it break the ice a little bit and I tried to jump on her. She was like laying down. I tried to jump on her like like like cannonball style like fun style not like jump on her like come here. No, I was just like messing around like jumped on her and I kind of like landed like not on her, but like near on her a little bit like halfway halfway, like half my cheek landed on her. The other cheek probably like on,

it was in my dorm room, dude. So like on my like diving board size bed. And right when I landed, I just. All over her ribs. And she kind of just laughed. And I was like, I can't even imagine the cringy shit I said after that.

It wasn't like smooth for sure, because how do you be smooth after that? And am I ever smooth? Absolutely not. I think I was just like, oh, that was crazy. Oh my God. Did you fart fart maybe i blamed it on her or something i don't know but it was not good and i think she probably thought it was funny you know

some girls like think that shit's funny and i'm like how do you how can you look at me in the eye i do think it's hilarious when girls accidentally fart though. I think it's so funny because I feel so bad for him deep down. I'm like, oh my God, you did not. You did not because they take it like the wrong way. Girls, girls like can't bounce back from a fart and you guys will delete that out of your brain forever. If a girl farts around you in the like in the next like two minutes or like three minutes or like maybe in the next like four hours, you're like, remember when you farted earlier,

they'll be like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm like, Oh, you deleted that permanently. Like you deleted that out of the trash trash. No, but I farted all over that girl,

girl's ribs. And she laughed, which was a little odd. She also spilled a lot of things wrong through text. So I was like, maybe you're into that. I don't know. It just, it didn't make sense. Let's keep going. Hey Ben, my question for you is, do you live in your body or are you your body? And if you live in your body, where are you like your conscience or your point of awareness? Are you behind your eyes or your ribs? Is there a mini you like a cartoon Lizzie in your head or like Plankton and SpongeBob's brain with a control panel?

Or are you your brain or do you live outside of your brain? What's going on? What's happening in there? Somebody's a therapist. My second question, the more important one, which cheetah girl are you? Oh my God. I love this. Where am I? I think I'm right behind my eyes. I think that's where I live right behind my eyes. I'm not in my mouth because I die from my breath. I think I'm right there. I'm not in my mouth because I die from my breath. I think I'm right there.

Or I'm like my right shoulder or some shit like that. But no, I think I'm right here. I don't know why, but yeah, I feel like that's everybody's answer, right? I don't live outside my body. That'd be great. God, if you saw you, I always think about that. If you saw yourself like walking down the street wouldn't you be like what a piece of shit if i saw it myself like from the back i'd be like fuck that guy you ever see the back of yourself you're like ew but uh right behind my eyes baby girl what cheetah girl am i you're gonna hate me but i never watched that i wasn't a cheetah i wasn't a cheetah girl boy cheetah girl boy that just wasn't one of the that was a disney ridge right i never saw a lot of the cheat it was i, I guess if I had to pick right now,

I'd be a, cause that's so Raven, right? That's Raven. I'd be her. Just cause that messy bun. God, if I was a girl,

I'd have a messy bun. 25, seven. Yeah. Never watched that one. They're like very, very, very popular Disney original original movies i didn't

watch johnny tsunami no clue what it's about but i did watch the weird ones like smart house that was my shit i don't know why but like i i think about smart house like three times a day still motocross that changed my life. I could have been like a fox guy after motocross. I bought a motocross computer game didn't work on my computer because my computer had zero graphic or memory power in 1998 and I couldn't do anything about it because I was like eight. I mean brink is just a classic. You guys knew I was going to say that. I think there's one more that really changed my life too.

I don't know why these aren't coming up. A lot of them were kind of bad. Luck of the Irish too. Cool ass movie. Dude, no other channel was doing that. You ever think about that? but luck of the Irish too. Cool ass movie. Dude, no other channel was doing that. You ever think about that? Disney Channel really like,

they put that on the map. Oh yeah, let's just make a movie. Let's just make a movie that could be in theaters low key, but nah, we'll just do it for the gang. Never watched Cheetah Girls, but I'd be raving. Favorite Disney original movie? I i'm gonna be completely honest with you i have i have the most like i don't want to say brink because it's so like everybody's number one answer i do love val

though remember val he was just like when they threw that milkshake at his face and he was like, dude, that stays in my head forever, but it's a smart house. Let's keep going. Wait, yeah. My question for you is, what was the inspiration for the hairstyle

that you rocked in 2010 in 2010 did you look at a picture of me 2010 did i have oh i had really long hair i don't know why my hair's always been like just yeah my hair's always been fuck it i don't like it when people when i do my hair like when i like comb my hair i look like i'm getting ready to sit down for an interview it just looks too serious like how can you wear these kind of clothes and have like combed it just doesn't make any sense i'm like combed like done done hair with gel in it that's for when you're like

going to a funeral or something i'm like no everybody's like you have permanent bed head i'm like i don't know what else to tell you guys like i fluff it up i fluff it i put my head under the water actually i put my head all the way in the sink put a towel on it fluff it up maybe put some pomade in there make sure it's all looking normal it's like you know it looks i want to look like a little fluffy puppy i want to look like a golden doodle. That's the hair I'm going for. But in 2010, I kind of had long hair. I don't know why, but everybody was growing their hair out like big time. And I was like, I've never grown my hair out like past grandma style. Because I'd

try to grow my hair out when I was younger, but my mom would be like, cut it. Or she'd just cut it. Because I'd try to grow my hair out when I was younger, but my mom would be like, cut it. Or she'd just cut it. God, the nightmares of my mom cutting my hair. Anybody else like grow up where their parents were like, we're not fucking, you're not getting haircuts. Haircuts were like 14 bucks and shit like that.

My mom was not going for that. She would just cut my hair. Just like, yeah, I can do it. She had no idea how to cut her she just did it slapping my head around and shit my hair would look like shit but whatever who knew uh so i so like the farthest i got was growing my hair out like like a grandma pretty much. I looked like a grandma from the ages of 13 to like 15. But in 2010, I grew my hair out and it was long. And I was like, fuck it. It's when I like had a, I had hair. I think every guy has to go through that phase. I don't know

what the inspiration was. Maybe it was, who did i want to look like so bad i know there's somebody i wanted to look like oh i saw this guy we were uh we were at a i like went to a football game for the weekend with one of my friends and like stayed on campus and the guy that we stayed with had like long curly hair and he was just cool as fuck and i was like damn i'm doing that i'm doing that he wasn't like anybody like a famous guy or anything he was just like a normal college guy and i was like that just looks so cool with the hat on and like the i just wanted the bun so bad but if my hair was straight i don't think i would have done it but since it was curly i was like i gotta let people see this shit yeah but it was some random fucker

I was like that's cool I'm doing that just keep going what is the craziest date you've ever been on like almost to where like it's it would be people would be like that there's no way that happened like was she crazy was she psycho

um did it just go to hell what's the worst date craziest date you've ever been on man have i i don't think i've really been on many dates and it's all pretty normal shit went to an italian restaurant bought an entire bottle of wine drank it went to walmart bought a 57 inch tv after that's kind of crazy owen stole the mount what a night that's a fucking debt that's my kind of date right there whole bottle of wine go to walmart buy a huge tv steal them out on accident because it was on the bottom of the cart

can we just get married now perfect night that's like 10 crazy though the craziest date i've ever been on it was probably on f boy island because those were like date states. Got a massage with a girl. You already know what happened there. Put those piggies in my mouth. Nothing crazy. God damn it. Went to an apple orchard through an apple apple at the fence that's not crazy at all

dude i don't think i i think i'm kind of like conservative when it comes to dates and i never go on them i know there's something though come on bitch think i don't know i'll keep thinking about it but i but I'm like, dude, I'm kind of, I'm kind of a boring ass bitch when it comes to dates. Yeah. I don't know. My question for you is what habit do you have now that you wish you would have started much earlier? Ooh, baby girls locked in right now um i wish i would have done this earlier i've got this thing in me that won't let me like not like i don't know what it is but every time i don't like i'll wake up and be like man i really

need to do this this and this and if i don't want to do'll wake up and be like, man, I really need to do this, this, and this. And if I don't want to do one of the things, there's something in me that's like, you're a fucking bitch, dude. You know, you're going to feel like shit tomorrow if you don't do this thing. So fucking, so go, go. And I'm like, all right. Yeah, I have to. I wish I had that in me like five years ago, but it couldn't have been in me because like, I just didn't know how to navigate. Now it's like, go bitch.

And I'm like, yeah, you're right. I gotta go. It's, it's like, it's like the better, better of me telling me to like get my shit together.

And sometimes I guess like within the last five years, I'd be like, I'm not doing that. I got more important shit to do, but like, bro, whatever that little voices, I'd be like, I'm not doing that. I got more important shit to do, but like, bro. Whatever that little voice is, whoever that devil is, knows. Listen to your devil.

He's not bad. He's definitely not a bad devil, but he's like, he'll fuck you up if you don't. If you don't listen to your devil in your head, the next day he's going to get your ass and be like, see, you're a bitch. See, told you. And that'll make you feel bad. That's the habit. I don't know if that's a real habit though.

I guess just don't be a bitch is my uh is my answer I was being a bitch like in the past now this year I'm not thank god let's keep going hi Benedict my question for you is are there any specific comics that either made you get into comedy or that inspire you or that maybe had a big influence on you when you started your comedy career or currently and who stands out to you thanks so much i love your podcast it's always a good question and it's a lot of people that's always a good question and it's a lot of people i'll never just choose one but i just remember driving around like my parents we take road trips and shit my my mom and dad i don't know if other people did this or not but we would always listen to stand-up comedy in the car

and i was and i thought that shit was so funny and like everybody in my family if i was in my mom's car with my mom and my two sisters in it, and I was like eight years old, they'd all, we'd all be laughing our fucking asses off. And I was like, hell yeah, this is crazy.

People can just say this shit. Like everybody's thinking it. I can't believe this is a job. Like, and everybody likes the guy. That's crazy to me. My dad had his little flavor. We'd listen to Jerry Seinfeld in my dad's car.

Jerry Seinfeld, very white, not that fun. But that dude is spitting. You can't deny. Dude, Jerry Seinfeld's up there. Bars. Everything he says is so relatable dude that's art so that was my dad's vibe when i was with my mom like that's when dane cook was popping and i was like oh this is hilarious and he's like crazy and then you watch him on stage and it's just like dude that just opened my eyes to like

you can do that who the fuck knew you could even do that you can just be a spaz and talk about funny shit oh so like those two are probably like first influences i mean i know those are like the two most popular comedians ever but um dude i used to go on limewire when i was a kid and like napster and me and my sister would just download stand-up comedy like hours and you know who it was it was nick swartzen nick swartzen hour long like just him going crazy at some comedy club. And we would just fucking sit by the computer and listen to the audio. I can remember sitting by like, like dial up internet, fucking the kitchen was like, or the computer was like in my kitchen.

There's probably like 10 o'clock. Nobody's up. And me and my sister were just listening to Nick Swartzen. Just like saying like, you know, when he talks like this and like dude it was just so funny bro and I would just we would just look at each other and just die laughing for like an hour and then just probably go to bed I don't even know what we did after that but like it was just funny as fuck and uh Pablo Francisco I don't know how that happened, but I think we would just download different stand-up

comedians shit and like randomly where I go, that guy's name sounds funny and we just download like their hour and just fucking die. Yeah. And then like when I was growing up, I always like it was always like,

it was always like my family or like girls or like, uh, my friends that I really looked up to, they would like show, they would send me funny videos and I'd be like, man, why the fuck am I not doing that? I could do that. I just never had like the, I just didn't, I thought it would be too hard to figure it out or something. And then I finally was like, fuck it. I got to do this or I'm, I'm literally going to regret it my whole entire life. And I just started ripping some good, some bad, bro. You've seen them. Can't have the good without the bad. That's why I love the fam, dude. You guys are rocking with me. Let's keep going. I have two questions.

So my first question is, are you currently dating anyone? And my second question is, what city would you live in if you didn't live in Indianapolis? Damn, dude. I love you guys. Just like looking out for me and knowing about me and shit. No, I'm not dating anybody for sure.

Like the most single I've ever been in my life is right now. I'm only, I'm not saying I wouldn't, but I'm just so like just focusing on the shit I need to do. And dude, sometimes I kind of like, sometimes I kind of forget how to talk to girls because I haven't like been out in a long time. But you ever do that? You ever not talk to a girl for so long

or not talk to a guy for so long? Like when you talk to them, you're just like, it feels good you have no plan of attack you're like not trying to like do anything you're just being like a hundred percent like yourself it's what i like no i'm single where would i live and dude i i always think i think i need to be in la because i'm looking at their like i've tried it in la before for like three or four months and i

just couldn't do it i didn't have enough money i didn't know what i was doing but man i worked so damn hard when i was out there. I was getting on shows, bro. Shows I should not have been on. I was one year into comedy, like at the comedy store and stuff. And I always think about, I wonder what if, what would have happened if I would have stayed out there somehow? Like, what would I be like now? Cause I wouldn't, I wouldn't have, I don't know if I'd have this podcast. I don't know if I've, if I'd have, uh, some of the videos that like did a good job. Who knows, man, I might've just been straight up stand up. But, uh, and I look at those, like those lineups they have at the improv and the comedy store and Laugh Factory.

And I'm like, and I've been on those shows. But I'm like, I feel like that's where I need to be. Like, I should be in that show 15 minutes, doing 15 minutes on a Thursday. And it sounds like, oh, this guy thinks he should be in Hollywood doing stand-up. I think so. Got to keep going, but I think so. But then when I go to New York, I'm like, yo, I love this damn, I love this city. It's more like what I'm used to. Because New York is like still kind of Midwest, even though it's like East Coast a little bit. And it's kind of a weird, it's like right there for me, but all the people are real,

like straightforward. And every time I go to New York, somebody gives me some shit immediately. And I'm like, I fucking love this place. So I don't know. I can't, I can't choose. I do need that. I think next is New York though. I need the New York I can't choose. I do need that. I think next is New York though. I need the New York grind. Because every time I go out to New York, they're moving way faster than me. I'm like, oh, okay.

Like when I went out there this past time, I did a show in Albany, but I went to New York City for like three days before it. And I was hanging out with like Hannah Burner and like other people like Andrew Schultz's team. And like just meeting a bunch of comedians. Danny LaPriori. Like some of those barstool guys. Roan.

Francis. Lil Sass. Like it was crazy. But they're all just cool-ass dudes. And I think they thought that about me, too. They're like, oh, this guy's like, dude, he's playing out videos every second. He's hitting stages all over the place. I'm not.

I mean, I'm trying as hard as I can, but those guys are moving. And I'm like, I want to move at that pace show show show yeah we're gonna crank out a podcast they just there's no stop they just don't take breaks and I'm like yeah that's that's that New York shit I want that so that's why I kind of want that's why I'm drawn to New York but LA bro, bro, I just see all the, what's going on out there. And I'm like, man, they're, they're jumping on each other's podcasts. They're like collabing. They're doing this, doing that.

And they're all right there. Like that's just, that's convenient. I don't know. Both places are a win, but it'll probably be New York because I haven't tried it yet. And now we got some questions through the phone. Kiss me through the phone kiss me through the phone i'll see you later on how the fuck do i get to those this is what we gotta do we gotta go to story we gotta go to this. Did you die? First one. Dumb. How big is your forehead? It's

probably like, it's probably like seven out of probably like six out of 10. I'm lucky my forehead's not big. I don't really notice that about girls or guys that have big foreheads. When a girl's like, oh my God, my forehead's fucking huge. I'm like, I kind of liked it. Doing any more reality shows in the future? Girl, I would. I would do any reality show. It's just like, it's lucky.

Like if they reach out to you or not like i just got super fucking lucky i was putting out content like so i was out there um i looked like shit at the time when f boy island reached out and they're just like hey we think you'd be perfect for this show and i was like i guess i'll like fucking apply for it and they were like yeah it's just it was just great timing everything's timing but um i did look like shit i was pale i was skinny i didn't have like the right beard my beard was too long my hair was like i just wasn't getting the right haircut it was weird bro i look like shit and uh but then when they reached out i got my shit together thank god was f boy island scripted nah dude i you can't script that kind of shit man sometimes shit would go down and i was like

they had to tell him to to do, right? Because like nobody's just, like we'd get in fights and stuff, like the whole house would get in a fight and I'd be like, that's just like really happened. That's just amazing to me. It's just reality TV. It just happens, dude. Everybody's crazy.

No one knows what they're doing and it's 26 like like hothead like dudes in a house fighting over three girls bro that's like dude it's it's something's bound to pop off but i kind of stayed out of it honestly just because that's how i am as a person i was just like i'm not gonna bro drama is, I think it's so overrated. I never want to know. When any drama is going on, I'm like, I don't even want to hear it.

I'm good. But, no, man, you can't script. You can't script that. I was so awkward on there. You think they scripted that how good of an actor would we have had to been all of us would you rather be bald or have a ponytail for the rest of your life ponytail damn dog ponytail where's somewhere you want to visit i want to go to arizona so bad oh the things people are saying about arizona i'm like that's even when i was a kid and i was in

like the weather section of the paper i'd look at all the temperatures dude arizona phoenix 107 i'd be like oh take me it just sounds lit out there it just sounds lit out there what would you do if spongebob was standing at the edge of your bed and was staring into your soul which spongebob is it is it the cartoon or is it like you know when the cartoon like in spongebob sometimes shit gets real and it like turns into real life that shit's scary if spongebob if it was like real moment spongebob i would be terrified like you know when he was like uh water like that's fun that'll stay that's a that's the cartoon i'll remember forever is that spongebob episode god that was the best ever but if that

spongebob was at the edge of my bed i'd be like but if it was nice spongebob like hey i'd be like yo get in here bro this is crazy i bet you gotten this a lot how big is your eggplant emoji

dude if i'm being real This is crazy. I bet you got in this a lot. How big is your eggplant emoji? Dude, if I'm being real, it's fucking tiny. I don't even have one. I just have a butt. I just have a butt. I look like a Barbie in the front. Would you do long distance?

Dude, that might be the only thing I can do. Everybody hates on long distance relationships. Not ideal. But I think if you're a person that like doesn't always want to see, like you love your girl, but if you don't always want to see him that's the move you know like people that are like get sick of people all the time like sometimes i'm like that long distance would not be hard for me but i can do both i can go every day and I can go long distance.

When's the last time you shit yourself? God, I love this kind of question, man. These are the questions I thrive for. These are the questions I, this is all I think about. How long have we been going, bro? I like these podcasts. We just talk, man. Last time I shit myself i was uh i was squatting and like something was going on with my stomach but it wasn't that big of a deal and i went down and squatted and i was like yo that was close because like it's so weird lifting with somebody because it's like damn i can't i cannot fart like a personal trainer if you have a personal trainer it's like i can't fart it's so weird but i was lifting with like my friend i went down went up and i was like yo i might like let let one out

real quick like like on the low like not a big deal then i went down did it again and i was like okay i gotta do it and then i went down did it again it i was like okay i gotta do it and then i went down did it again it just came out and i was like yo that wasn't just there was more there and i walked to the bathroom like this that gorilla walk you've done it you've done it when you gotta get toilet paper in the other bathroom because it's not in the bathroom you're currently and you gotta do that gorilla walk why you look like you just got up from an unplanned three-hour nap that is kind of my vibe isn isn't it? Guy who just woke up. I've got the just woke up hair.

Bro, there are so many on here. This is crazy. I realized recently I've got like uninterested vibe. Kind of when I'm talking about stuff sometimes, I look like I don't care at all. kind of when I'm talking about stuff sometimes I look like I don't care at all damn and I'm sorry about that I don't mean to come off like that do I have resting bitch attitude do you do steroids man you'd be able to tell man these are crazy these are what is someone that you miss who is someone that you miss who do i miss is someone that you miss who do i miss i kind of hate my art i kind of hate no i kind of miss my like college friends

because you just never see those motherfuckers ever again you know the dude that like you you were like best friends with in college but he's only your college best friend like after college you're never seeing him he like moves to fucking colorado like you just you just never see him again but in college it was like this guy is like damn bro we're best friends i kind of miss that but you just i mean it's just part of it dude like my college roommates and shit bro they were so fun but like they even understand too like in college they're your best friends and roommates and shit but in the back of their head they're like i'm never gonna see this motherfucker again in like two years just part of the deal what was your near-death experience

how did he almost die i think i've talked about this before uh a fan blade almost uh impaled my head i was in a football locker room in college and there's this fan that was just and i was by my locker and the fan blade just went right past my face and should have died. And I almost ran off of a mountain, but you know, do you hate gay people? I love them. They're my fave.

You kidding me? After you're done filming, what do you do with the who's buying this stuff? Finish it, toss it. Dude, my whole apartment is who's buying this stuff. It sounds crazy, but if you went in my apartment and opened up my pantry and my fridge, it's all who's buying this drinks dude i've got sunny d vodka i've got peeps pepsi i've got twinkies lattes it's kind of amazing i've got ketchup chips i've got warheads pickles it's honestly kind of cool now that i think about it but like that's why i can't really like when people come over my house. I'm like don't touch anything because somebody will just fucking pop open a

a weird ass like flaming hot Mountain Dew and start eating a bunch of peeps because like it looks good like people are probably like how nobody comes up to my apartment, but if they did they'd be like how the fuck do you have all this stuff but it's kind of like you can't eat it i'm trying to keep it dead stocked because one day you know in like 100 and like 50 years or something i'm gonna put that shit on the internet and people are gonna be like what dude there was a sunny d vodka huh there was macaroni and cheese gummies yeah but as i have it all i keep it all i keep that shit on me how soon is too soon to get married dating two months receive proposal i think it's too soon i think it's always too soon i think people should date for like a long

time i hate it when there's so much pressure on that when are you guys tying the knot i'm like shut the fuck up that's so personal to me. Why would we ever care what anything you say? Bro, I would date somebody for fucking 10 years. Why don't you just get engaged then? Just shut the fuck up. I don't know.

We'll figure it out when we figure it out. I think you should date for like literally six years, seven years. Dude, it takes me a while to like know if I want to do something. Like you got to try shit out. It's like with your, honestly, the most I can relate to it

is like a career choice kind of. Because you know how people are like, yo, you got to pick something you really like and you got to do it for the rest of your life. I'm like, that's kind of like you know how people are like, yo, you got to pick something you really like and you got to do it for the rest of your life. I'm like, that's kind of like getting married. So when I didn't know what I wanted to do, I was trying everything, which is like dating people.

But if you're stuck in the wrong job and you don't really like it and people are pressuring you to like it and deep down you're like, do I even like this? Like that can happen with a person so i'd take your time on that take your time am i dating no right now i'm not i'm just i'm just chilling i'm just chilling like eating chicken and chilling making content and chilling

how often do i poop probably like twice a day i don't keep track some people are like hey dude oh my god it's 10 10 i think it's 10 o'clock i gotta i gotta do i poop at the same time every day i've never thought about that ever i'm just like oh i gotta go i never poop at the same time every day. I've never thought about that ever. I'm just like, oh, I got to go. I never look at the clock. I think it's always different, which is probably unhealthy. But all right, fam. That's it. We got to do this more often. That was sexy.

I love you guys. Thanks for asking all these questions. It really means a lot, for real. Thanks for listening to the pod. Join on Patreon. I'm serious. It's a good time over there. $5 a month for an extra episode every single week.

In a couple of cases on Sunday night. Grab some merch. Comment on the YouTube video. And get your psycho friends to listen to this. Join the club. Let's run it up. All right, fam. I'll see you next time.

Ha ha, fuck.