Espresso - immature things you'll never stop doing

Episode Date: March 23, 2023

On this episode benny reacts to the immature things you will continue doing (like kissing the homies)🎟️ 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦Kansas City, MO TONIGHT 3/23 https://improvkc.com/ShowDetails/b082... Albany, NY Thurs 4/6 https://albany.funnybone.com/ShowDeta... Tampa, FL Thurs 4/27 https://improvtampa.com/ShowDetails/d... Boston, MA Thurs 5/4https://wl.seetickets.us/event/Benedict-Polizzi-800pm/532615?Support Benny (get an extra episode and LIVE STREAM every Sunday!)🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi Leave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317

here we go here this is this is me for it's trying to explain anything and it's just like yeah hey upcoming stand-up comedy shows tonight kansas city missouri i'll see you guys there i can't wait april 6 albany new york april 27th tampa florida and may 4th boston massachusetts get your tickets at benedictpolizzi.com. Hey, it's time to fuck around. What up, boo? Shot 255 Espresso Podcast. I'm your host, Benedict Polizzi. And remember, hey, join the Patreon.

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Join. Join the Patreon. And all right. Yeah, let's get to it. What's the incredibly immature thing you'll never stop doing. Espresso, quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. What's the immature thing you're always going to do? For me, I do it all, bro.

Your boy does every single immature thing because it's the best. If you're not doing immature shit, get a life. Dude, I'll walk on a curb for 700 miles i'll run a marathon on a curb dude if there's a curb or like a high rise thing next to a sidewalk good luck dude i'm going up i'm gonna be nine feet tall talking to you like this. Oh, no way. That's crazy. Yeah. Stepping over shit. Almost falling off. I'm doing it. I'm not stepping on cracks. I'm picking my nose. I'm picking my nose. Dude,

people who said they don't pick their nose. Just give it up, man. Give up the fake identity. Quit pulling the wall bro you're picking your nose even if even parents that are like hey i'll pick your nose right when they look away they're like that fucking kid won't ever learn you're picking your nose i'll stop picking my nose when it stops being the most fun i've ever had stops being the most fun I've ever had. It is. It's the best game ever.

This right here, the rim inside. You ever get one like deep? You're like, I got to go get that. What kind of person are you? If there's a booger in your nose and you're not going to get it, I'll leave it there. Go hard or go home. You're going to leave a booger in your nose who the fuck are who raised you finish the job

so true though who's not let's uh let's let's let's hear what you uh what you got going on what's the immature shit you do that you're never going to stop doing? Okay. So you know those little quarter machines, like whenever you walk into Walmart or like a restaurant or just like wherever and they give you like 10 different options that you can win. It's like a bouncy ball or like a little alien or army man or cheap jewelry. Like if I have a quarter on hand,

you bet your happy ass that quarter is going in that machine. And I pray to the gods that I get the cool one. Does it happen ever? Very rarely, but like, I love it. It's like, I still get that rush. Like whenever I was a kid being like, Oh, if I can get the one I want so yeah I won't stop it's still fun to me damn dude what a luxury I never got to play those shits when I was a kid because my mom would just be like let's go quit looking at this shit you know and that's so expensive that is not a quarter that game is like a dollar 75 remember how many quarters you had to put in that fucking claw game that weak ass claw yo who has a more loose grip than that claw that claw is my hand when i wake up from a fucking 12 hour nap i'm like that claw is so fucking... Worst grip ever.

Yeah, remember how many quarters you had to put in that thing, though? It took me two and a half hours to load up the quarters. I'm like, Jesus Christ, this is... Here goes my savings account. Never won. But I did see one the other day, and I was like, what if... If I won that thing, I would get so excited. I might break the glass.

That's how not often I was playing or winning any game like that. But that's what you're doing. You're really stopping and playing that game like walking out of Walmart. What do you do with the toy? I think I'd give it to somebody or just throw it away. That'd be my favorite thing ever to win that claw game, win a ball, get all excited and just throw it right in the trash and walk out.

Oh, oh my God. How come throwing things away is so much of a relief for me? Anybody think like that? For some reason, the pleasure I would get ordering a whole entire subway sub and throwing it away and walking back to my car would be way better than actually eating it oh my god throwing shit away is it feels so good to me like right when i get a receipt bro i need

it in the trash immediately fast right right when it prints out i'm like throw that fucking thing away and you know if i need to return it it's on me but man oh i want to do something about ordering a milkshake at a at a fast food place and just right at the window and drive off oh i just want to do it so bad it's like a guilty pleasure weird thing but i love throwing shit away a whole turkey on thanksgiving oh my god right in the fucking trash dude let's keep going so sometimes when i have too much energy and i'm driving like down the street and i see somebody like walking their dog or like running or something i'll roll the window down i'll just yell as loud as i can or sometimes i'll even bark and it's just like, yeah, too much energy, man. Makes me act wild.

I love it. He goes, and it's just like, yeah, it is like, yeah. Or sometimes I'll even bark. Here we go. This is me trying to explain anything. And it's just like, yeah. And it's just like, yeah. It is like, yeah, yeah though you ever do that you ever just roll down your window and just fucking scream at somebody everybody's done that once or you've been in

a car where somebody did that and that's another one of those things it's it's super uh it's you definitely shouldn't do it but if you're on like a college campus or something shit like that happens all the time i think it's happened to me once you're like walking down a sidewalk down the street and a car like four guys or four girls like rolls by you the windows down they just fucking throw a mcdonald's large high c at you and you're like yeah i mean yeah sometimes you just you're just you're the guy for the day that gets fucked you know some people like drive by and throw pennies and shit like that's that's a little fucked up because i can like hurt you but if somebody drove by me and threw a large orange high c at me i'd be like

i deserve it yeah that's the funniest fucking shit. Dude, the, how I could never get mad though. I don't think I'd ever get mad at that. Like if somebody just pummeled me with a large high C, I'd turn around and be like, I would laugh my fucking ass off, but I swear to God,

I've, I've done that to people. Or you yell at them or like call them something or you like throw a drink at them and they dude one time oh my god we were driving down the me and like three friends were driving down the fucking road and there's this guy on a bike like in the median you know those guys in the median they drive their they ride their bikes so fast it's like swinging he's like hauling ass dude my friend gets out of the sunroom sunroof and this is when he could like say anything to anyone and he see he called him something and everybody knows what it is not that but he called him that not that but he called him something fat. You know what I mean? Like, dude, we were just dicks. And he slams down his bike.

And we're like, oh, shit. And then we're like, oh, God, he's coming. He's coming at like he's this mad. Slam down his bike, turns around. I'm like, dude, we better go. It's a red light. Roll up the windows, bro. Roll up the windows and pray for this shit to turn green.

But something happened and he turned back around because he was like psycho or something. And he got back on his bike. But yeah, yelling at people, barking at people is where it's at. I'm running, running, running, running, running, running, running, running, it's at dude they have no idea what's happening the amount of times i got out of the car and like did shit like at a red light bro you ever get out of the car at a red light and then do some crazy shit and then get back in the car like nothing happened it's the most fun thing of all time get out of the car stand on top of the car and just do this

for 10 seconds at a red light back in the car and just go like nothing happened bro bro. It's crazy. The people's. And what it was red, you know, I love you. One childish habit that I just cannot seem to kick is saying swag and swaggy because why as a 25 year old woman, am I responding to my boss at work with swag? That shit's funny, though. It's ironic now. But back when people were saying swag a lot, the thing that would just drive me fucking insane was when like, you know when like very corporate things try to be cool and you're like,

guys, it's not you. Like, I was at a basketball camp and the word swag was in and like an old ass weird coach would come down and be like yeah and if you hit 10 free throws you get some swag you guys want some swag and i was like no fuck no please god just i'll do anything to not get swag just please don't say this ever again just go home go home go home unless you free throws i don't want any swag from you dr swag dude it just made everything so lame i was like oh god don't say that. Just say T-shirts or something. Yeah, bro. Swag.

Only like Soulja Boy can say swag. Everybody else. Hate the word. But now saying it like you're kidding around around like if somebody walks in and they're wearing like something that's a little too cool swag like somebody's wearing a little too you know when somebody looks a little too good for the occasion you're like okay hey bro it's just a tuesday don't have to wear the best jacket you've ever bought in your life swag and then they feel like it yeah

you don't want to make people feel like that but you know what i mean it's funny swag nothing hurts more deep down than when somebody makes fun of what you're wearing and you're not confident in it or you're super confident in it and they're like bro nice jacket and you're like it's really too much fuck Or you're super confident in it and they're like, bro, nice jacket. And you're like, it's really too much. Fuck. Fuck. Or your shoes look too good and you feel guilty.

I always feel guilty when I'm wearing something too nice. I'm like, I look like a rich piece of shit or something, you know? The one thing that I do that is immature well my entire existence but my fave is when i see a mormon riding a bike and i'm in my car i love her that's so fried dude just the the best fuck ever that's so crazy if you think about it every weekend and we got it's crazy all right but yeah i wouldn't be

able to spot a mormon do they wear something what do mormons look like i can spot like amish people because holy shit that guy's amish but i don't know mormon people i don't know But I don't know. Mormon people, I don't know. Yeah. On a bike. I don't know anything about anything, so I wouldn't be able to figure that out. But if I see somebody...

Oh, my God. Yelling at people in a car. Why is it just a drive-by yell? Why does it feel so good? Hey! Yelling at people in a car. Why is it just a drive-by yell? Why does it feel so good? Hi! I've said this a million times. I used to live on this corner lot, and people used to cut through my yard

because there's a school behind my house. People would cut through my yard all the time, and I'd be home alone because my mom would be picking up my sister from high school, and I was in grade school. So I'd be home for like an hour. Kids would be cutting through my yard,

and I'd open a window on the side of my house and there'd be kids like flirting and like walking kind of through my backyard and i took that shit personal because i'm the one fucking playing football back there you can't just cut through my yard low-key that's trespassing you little piece of shit and like yo we work hard on our grubs you know you got you have grubs growing up you have grubs growing up yeah well we didn't because we've worked hard we used to have a dalmatian yard where there's a patch of grass that was blonde because there were 15 i pulled up and there are 15 grubs underneath. We were, we, we aerated our shit. We worked hard. We didn't have any crabgrass.

I mean, I don't want to brag or anything, but like, we didn't have any crabgrass growing up. Our yard was like that. It was like the fucking Detroit Tigers outfield. And I play football every day out there. And some little fucker's going to have the nerve

to fucking dilly-dally with his stupid-ass shoes on and his backpack with nothing in it. Kids that are not in high school, their backpacks don't have shit in there. They got one slip of paper in there. And their shoes are all big and the laces are all fucking bowed out because they fucking tie their shoes all tight.

Recess! Shut up. Light ass backpack. They're all skinny and shit. Dude, I would roll up a window and go, Get the fuck out of our yard! Dude, they would get so scared by the way i was like 12 they would get so i would yell like i would just channel like mad janitor you know

when the janitor at your school would get pissed you'd be like holy fuck dude he might stab us like he's off the rails a little bit all Every janitor is kind of like, what'd you do? What'd you go to prison for? Bob? Because it's on their shirt. They're real nice, but you're like, yeah, what are you hiding? You know, what are you hiding under that ponytail? I would just tune in to janitor that was pissed that you spilled something

get the fuck out of our yard bro they would and they couldn't see me but i could see them is there a better feeling than when someone can't see you and you can see them fuck let me have my way bro and fucking they would just run in their stupid fucking brand new reptar ass shoes the whole group dude bring me all the joy that's the immature thing i'll never i'll do it today i'll do if i still have a yard and somebody cuts through it i don't care if if i'm 48 in their 12. hey motherfucker beat it it's what you get it's what you get if they come if they go home and they go to their mom they're like so fucking old man yelling me all the way over school and look i was like kevin and jesse and brit and he screamed at all

if i'm that kid's mom i go yeah it's because you shouldn't have been in their yard you idiot that's what you get he should have shot you oh my god it's so what baby you deserve it bro i'm sorry bye just keep going okay so the incredibly immature thing that i won't stop doing is okay so i'm 27 i've been working since was 16. And every single time somebody hurts my feelings at work, I immediately get on Indeed. I immediately say, you know what? I've had enough. I'm sure there's a job that will be nice to me and won't, you know, just say some backhanded shit to me. In reality, I should probably just finish reading emotional

intelligence and be a grown-up but hey nothing quite like the hit of dopamine from seeing a new job and on indeed oh man i hate applying for jobs so much i could never do that i would let somebody just degrade me at work peel the skin off of me i'll do anything i'll take all the bullets bro you can just you can ridicule me you can throw stones at me like i'm jesus Jesus. Chain me up and just fucking throw, just shoot me with BB guns, point blank. I don't care what you do. I'm just not applying for another job. How? That's miserable. That's tort. I think the reason people get jobs is because they just did it. They applied. You've been halfway through a job you want to be like you know what this isn't even i don't give a fuck this is crazy i gotta i made

this resume perfect and now i gotta type all this shit in on your resume thing what are we doing the patience you have to go on indeed and find a job oh man wow oh they must really hurt your feelings somebody oh man you could steal my car at work and i'd be like you know what uh i just don't think i'm looking to work anywhere else right now. My whole office is just torn. Everything is stolen out of my office. Oh, whoops.

Do I still have my 401k here though? Because I don't know how to switch that over and shit like that. So I guess I'll just stay. Yes, it's fine. Through that. Oh, man. Applying for jobs. like that so i guess i'll just stay yes it's fine through that oh man applying for job that's probably why i don't work in a real place because i i couldn't handle it i couldn't handle the heat bro the online and then like the thing times out and you got to start all over like the page

error loading resume i'm like where do they even get it and then half the time when you apply for a job like on the internet, like they don't even anytime somebody's hiring, they already know who they're going to hire. I'm like, why am I even fucking doing this, bro? Every time I'm applying for any job, it's just like, yeah, it's a two, you know, two, you know, that's what's running through my head the whole time. It's who, you know, it's who, you know's who you know and i'm like why am i even fucking trying with this weird electronic thing they're gonna look at my resume and be like

fucking idiot i can't believe there's not pictures on resumes man that's the only thing i got going for me is my stupid ass face i really luck i really like damn i can't put my head shot on there shit i'm really fucked all right let's keep going something immature that i won't stop doing so i'm about to be 26 i've got a good job for my age, good relationships professionally and socially. Wow. But working out, there is something about it where I don't care if they're bigger than me, stronger than me, smaller than me, whatever. If I find someone doing similar lifts to what I'm up to, I just have to, you know,

like almost stare them down and do better workouts than what they're doing. More reps, heavier weight, all this, that, the other. That's crazy. I don't want to do it in like a standoffish way, but I just can't help from, yeah, just basically trying to do more than what they're doing. My boy's competitive. I never think like that in the gym. Matter of fact, I've been doing the same weight since i was 16 years old

oh shit good for you man you're like people that go to the gym and they're like they like they're on like a route they're on the thing where they're like increasing their weight and nutrition and they're doing dude i've been doing the same shit the same shit oh my god how do you look people always ask me that they're like man you look how do you what do you do what do you take i'm like bro i just i do the same high school football lifts for the past 10 years yeah that's it i don't know it's hard yeah it sucks i hate going to the gym that's probably why it does anything but man if i see somebody doing a bunch of weight i'm like i'm kind of like

what's the point you know like i was doing a lot of weight on squat the other day and like my knee kind of was like and i was like I was like, why would I even, you know, I'm not playing for the fucking Arizona Cardinals. I'm like, why am I even pushing it like that? But that is probably like a loser mentality. If you, if, if I'm being honest, you should just, you should be competitive and you should keep doing that shit, bro. Cause it's going to make you stronger and better. And that will translate to other things this is uh this is getting real you know what i mean so maybe when you're at work and somebody's doing better than you you'll be like yeah fuck you and you'll start doing better than them so keep doing that don't ever listen to me

ever again i love you bye but if anybody wants to work out that's like that guy i need a partner because i've been doing the same shit since i was 18 there's a couple things that i would consider are pretty immature and that i do one being i do not match my socks and if my gym attire is put away inside out i'm going to wear it inside out no instead of taking the time to flip it the right way yeah i can't wear it the day i fucking wore some shorts backwards because i woke up like one minute late i'll never forget it and it hurt more more, dude, because it was one of my friends. I was a black dude. You know, it's just something about

when black people say stuff to you like that, you're like, fuck, they're so much cooler than me. And I have my shorts on backwards. That's what I think anyway. So I'm late. I'm kind of like disheveled. Go to the cafeteria. Hey, bro, you came in here with your nike on your ass i was like fuck dude what

is he talking about nike on your ass i'm like trying to translate i'm like my nike on my ass i look down my fucking shorts are on backwards i'm like oh the nike swooshes on my backside oh my god bro and i'm like i try to be cool after for sure i have no idea what he's talking about i'm like yeah yeah bro yeah i'm like trying to fill up my cinnamon toast crunch with milk my shorts are on backwards in front of fucking 300 people dude i almost just ran in the bathroom flip my shorts around went back and ate my CTC. But God, bro, that one hurt. And it's so immature to have your shorts on backwards.

Like, bro, get a clue. Look in the mirror. You idiot. Your shorts are on backwards. I was like, yeah, bro. I don't know. I think I just, I think I just went with it. You know, I like tried to play it off.

I couldn't think of anything cool to say. So I just sat down with him. I was like, I'm going to double down on this. Sit down with him. Start eating with my shorts on backwards. The whole time I'm like, just trying going to double down on this. Sit down with them. Start eating with my shorts on backwards. The whole time I'm like, just trying to fit in and shit. Everybody knows I'm a weirdo.

I'm just leaning into it. The whole time they're asking me questions and shit. All I'm thinking about is my shorts on backwards. starts crying oh god that's crazy could never do that could never voluntarily wear something inside out unless it was like cool you know like you have a shirt and it's a good shirt but like you know the thing it says on it you're not really you're not really with that and you wear it inside out it's not bad i don't know why sometimes inside out shit does kind of hit though but not when it's not warranted you know sometimes it's like oh he's wearing a shirt

inside out but i can tell he's doing it on purpose and then you see other people in your golly she's wearing her shirt inside out but she's just an idiot and then you still don't say anything mismatching socks i've grown into that i like if it's a pink and a blue though like you can't do that you can't do that but if it's the the r and the l and you're kind of running low on socks you haven't done laundry in a while and you just need something you just fuck it man i'm putting two l's on today just runs into every wall right when you put on two lefts you're walking around like you got two left feet. I do kind of think it like affects me a little bit. I'm like, damn, I'm walking kind of sideways today.

Fuck it. Can't be the socks. But I do do that now. I'm like, I don't know. I don't have enough time to like clean my socks and make sure they're on the right feet and shit. But if they're different colors, baby crazy let's keep going this is going to sound so stupid but when I was younger my older sister told me that if we go through a tunnel you don't shout fish you turn into a fish so anytime I walk through a tunnel or i drive through a tunnel i have to

shout fish now and i it doesn't matter who i'm with like i'm still doing it god damn fish so weird and then you gotta explain this whole thing to him i hope she's an uber driver be so funny uber driver that lives in like new york every 17 seconds what are you guys doing good is it too cold or warm in here okay you're good all right yeah this next okay you want me to pull up right here all right just long you'll take one turn fish fish fish fish fish going real fast fish under a tunnel fish fish fish fish fish fish imagine being in her hoover the guy's like stop the car i need to get out right here you're like go ahead that's amazing that's like uh when i was a kid i would hold my breath when we passed

the cemetery people do people do that or is that like a my family thing bro we had this we had the cemetery by buyer i'm so gonna hold my breath now because that cemetery, we'd pass it like three times a day. I still do it. Three times a day. You gotta go to the store. I'd be like, all right. There and back. Don't ask daddy any questions.

We're passing the cemetery. Clockwork. cemetery clockwork i was so good at it i can hold my breath for like like maybe seven minutes i swear i can be underwater deep sea diving he doesn't have a fucking scuba tank on yeah oh he lives by that cemetery all right yeah never mind i'm like that you want to have a hold your breath contest with me underwater you're gonna fucking die bro i'm a goddamn fish fish fish that's me if I've worded if we're having if I'm if my pool was under a tunnel and we're swimming together I'm gonna be underwater and you're just gonna be underwater too like this I'm gonna be like mm-hmm pretty much

dude what I love this podcast. But you know? But one time, traffic got backed up by that cemetery. Like 17 cars deep. Intersection. A lot of traffic. I don't know what was going on. It was probably like 5 o'clock.

You know 5 o'clock traffic's like, what? Why is everyone out? Jesus Christ. Or right after o'clock traffic's like what why is everyone out jesus christ or right after school traffic there's like a bus it's like three buses you're like damn row he pulled up to the cemetery i was like my mom never played because she was like just you know she's the driver she didn't it was a kid's game she's the driver she didn't it was a kid's game she looked back then she looked back at me in her head she was like is he gonna fucking

do it like my mom didn't really care about anything i did but i knew at that moment she actually for once was like interested in my life she was like is he gonna fucking try this shit right when we hit the fence did it for like 17 minutes you know when you inhale real big and you're like oh this is a good one i felt it dude my lungs were like those full-ass balloons on your birthday. Like right when you get home and they're just... And you know you're like super confident. That big inhale you do when you're like,

oh shit, I got this actually. Got halfway and I think my sister made me laugh or some shit I copped out I used it as an excuse I wasn't gonna be able to make it the whole way but I look at my sister I think she did one of these the old where you kind of look like a like a like a chunky monkey and I just lost my shit and plus I was probably gonna die so I just blamed it on that Sometimes you gotta take an L, bro Sometimes you gotta take an L sad day, and I know in my mom's head. She's like yes, right motherfucker. I knew you're gonna do it So the really immature thing that I won't stop doing is

Restore like I'll check around me to make sure no one's there. But, bro, your boy is riding that freaking grocery cart up and down the aisles in the parking lot. The only problem is I'm tall and a big guy. So if there's nothing in the cart, they'll probably see a flip over in about a half a second. But, yeah, man.

Riding grocery carts. Something I've been doing ever since the age of four and something I'm going to do until I'm 84. So, fuck. This guy is coming in strong. The first voice message he left, I was like, he's got potential, but I don't know. This guy's a player now.

This dude is a player on the podcast now because he's hitting. Bro, you're so, dude, and sometimes you forget. I don't do it every time, but sometimes when you're in a good mood for some reason, it's later at the grocery store. You got a good night ahead of you.

No worries. You're putting that right foot on that fucking bottom bar and you're fucking ripping that shit that wasn't very fast it's the the grocery store ground you know yo how sexy smooth is that how bad do you just want to take a pair of rollerblades and just fucking brink down the cereal aisle you know rollerbladers that are really good do that thing with their feet right by the cocoa pebbles and shit fuck i want to oh man right by the cocoa pebbles and shit. Fuck, I want to... Oh, man.

How about when you get one of those half carts? The full carts are a lot. I'm like, Jesus Christ, I don't have a family of 19, but those little half carts they have now? You can't flip those bitches upside down. Those are compact. That's like a little fucking bobsled. And then you get that cart with that one fuck ass wheel. That's like,

God, I hate that shit. Nothing ruins your day. Like a car with a wheel. That's like, I'm like get your shit together front left I'm trying to ride and you're fucking get in line with the rest of your bros we got skating to do I gotta beat Val in the finals in the freezer

aisle he's by the pizza i'm back here by the fucking toaster strudel get get together and sometimes halfway through your grocery trip that wheel that's we'll get it it'll like fucking oh it'll figure it out it'll be like oh shit then you're riding dirty that's usually when you're in the milk aisle all the way in the back is when it starts to fucking get it together oh shit just locks in and we're like all right all right yeah you gotta ride the cart and then when you're done with the cart, I said, I'm going to do my whole life. When it's time to put that thing away in the parking lot, I will go bowling with that cart. Nobody said, nobody said you can't just destroy a cart. They're everywhere. There's no rule that says,

hey, be easy on the carts. Those are our property and we'll take you to jail if you dent one. No one's ever said that or thought of that. Did you hear about that guy? Yeah.

He rammed the cart into the cart corral three years in jail. That's some shit I'm'm gonna tell my kids so it doesn't act like me in the fucking parking lot dude i will wreck a cart from fucking 50 feet away as hard as i've ever pushed anything in my life bro and i don't want it to go in the slot either. I want it to hit that middle pole that separates both lanes. And I just want it to be the loudest noise of all time.

And I want three grandmas to fall down. That's what I want to happen. What's he in for? All the inmates in jail. What's he in for? That punk lets whoop his ass when he's in here i dented a cart at target they got him for three years how fucked up would that be yo i'd be in jail for life dude man there's nothing like putting a card away

never gonna get over that let's keep going hey benny so the thing that i won't stop doing is um i really love watching disney movies and cartoons and i don't think I'm gonna stop like ever God what a sweetie yeah I feel ya man I try to get back on the cartoon wave and I'm just like you know it's just nice

like if somebody saw me watching it I'd be like I'd change it real quick you know I just feel like kind of weird like I'm literally watching cartoons. Fuck. Like they're not that good. A Disney movie every now and then is a little refreshing though. Like I think the last time I watched a Disney movie when I was like helping,

like, you know, and like you have a girlfriend and she has to babysit and you go over there too, which is like the weirdest. How do the parents sign off on that thing yeah when I have my boyfriend over while I babysit I'm like you guys are definitely doing some fucked up shit like under you know while we're gone

if I had a family and me and my wife which sounds crazy we're doing something and my babysitter had her boyfriend over I'd be like all right so they're fucking in our bed but that's probably that's probably the last time i've ever watched a disney i remember i literally remember the girl i dated at the time where there she was babysitting and the kids were wanting to watch ratouille. And I was like, fuck it, let's roll. Wasn't bad. Wasn't bad.

Didn't pay attention for one second, but wasn't bad. I think I was really hot. I was really hot and I didn't feel like, you know, I was just kind of living in it. And I was like, fuck, I'm so hot in my head the whole time. But the movie was on and there's, you know know I was just kind of living in it and I was like fuck I'm so hot in my head the whole time but the movie was on and there's you know I was just fuck it so I didn't pay attention I just thought about being hot

the whole time oh shit let's keep going the immature thing I cannot stop doing is making gay jokes bro for some reason they're so fucking funny it's literally the funniest thing ever it is it just is man when you call a straight guy gay or just when he does something kind of gay even gay guys think that's funny as fuck man it's a can't miss because nobody gives their feelings hurt more when you call like a straight dude when you call him out for doing something a little guy

it's just an ace in the back pocket every time it's great. You're right. This is so great. So I have a lot of immature antics, but I'd say my top three would be, I will never stop laughing at farts. I will never stop hiding to jump out and scare someone. Oh my God. And I will never stop racing to be the first at anything. A stoplight, anything. It doesn't matter. Super mature, but it's so fun. How about when somebody's like, you're going to a Jimmy John's and you see somebody going there too, and you're like,

I am not letting you win. You're like in the same distance on the sidewalk. I'm like, I don't give a shit, bro. You're not getting ahead of me in line and taking your time and ordering your weird fucking sub, i'm in there i will pick up the pace so hard and then like sometimes i'll be nice and i'll i'll hold the door for them i'll be like go ahead and then to make them go no you go ahead and i'm like thanks but yeah you're fucking right i'm going ahead i will race bro i will i will race in those situations what else did she say uh farting is crazy it's insane

if you don't laugh dude it's just amazing that that's a thing. What the fuck? Dude, it's so wild when people just fart. I think when people just do it a little too much, they've got something wrong with them, you know? You're like, eh, you fart too much in public. Dude, farting is so wild. It's the craziest experience of my life every time. When somebody farts and they're not supposed to fart, it's like...

They did not. Did they? Like sometimes somebody will fart and it'll be like an important person or something. And I'll look around. I'll be like my brain just made a fart noise and now i think they fart like i'll i'll be like that did not just happen like that that happened in my head you know like did i just think that in my head or did they actually because that's fucking like i'll never like i i will remember like a teacher farting more than every year of school in my life. Because, wow, what a monumental experience.

Oh, my God. Oh, and scaring people. Yo, you just sometimes it's just so if you can find somebody that you can scare the shit out of a lot and they don't get mad at you, that's a good friend. But the people you scare and they're like, hey, it's just so... If you can find somebody that you can scare the shit out of a lot and they don't get mad at you, that's a good friend. But the people you scare and they're like, hey, it's bullshit, fucking bitch. You're like, okay. Never talking to you again.

But yeah, the people you can just scare the piss out of and they don't even bat an eye. You're like... Or they get real... They laugh after. Oh, best people. Something that I do that's really immature is I like to act gay around my friends. I think it's the ultimate test of friendship that if you can act gay around someone and

they reciprocate that energy or they just go along with it, that's when you found a true friend. So like just this past weekend, I hung out with one of my best friends that I hadn't seen in months. And the first thing I did when I saw him was grab his ass, whisper in his ear how much I missed him. And we almost made out.

I'm so glad this is anonymous. Yeah, dude. What if I just said his name? But I completely agree. If you're not gay with your friends, you're not actually friends. Cause that's the closest you can be. That means more.

It does. I, me and my friends are so gay. Oh my God. It's ridiculous. The people are probably like, Oh damn, you guys are gay.

Like, like that. Like, dick it's the people are probably like oh damn you guys are gay like probably like that like i remember growing up and every time me and my one of my best friends would look at each other for more than two seconds we would act like we were gonna kiss well i was literally 12 i'd be like you think so bro and he'd be like yeah and we look at each other for one second we both go like this this is fucking funny i hate it when people are so like oh my god you act so like dude it's funny shut the fuck up god damn every time i see any of my friends i grab their ass dude every god damn every single time any of my comedian friends bro that's all we do is act like that

it's so much fun the other day i was getting a my friend wanted a vape and i went with him and he got this kind that he doesn't like. And last time he got it, he said it tasted like a hospital. So I was like, why is he getting it again? We walked out in the parking lot and I was like, dude, if you tell me that thing tastes like a hospital, I'm going to stick my dick in your mouth and you're going to smoke that. And it might've been the funniest moment we've ever had together. might have been the funniest moment we've ever had together that's just and it was that was like the that was like me being like hey man get it together this is how this is how it goes down

i think it's a white guy thing. All right, guys. That's it. That's the pod, fam. I love you. Thank you so much for leaving voice messages, following, coming out to shows. Can't wait to see you, Kansas City. Can't wait to see you, Albany, Tampa, Boston. Dude, it's going to be a party.

Thanks for listening, guys, for real. It means a lot. And thanks for following and all that stuff, man. Talk to you guys next week. Bye.