Espresso - irrational fears
Episode Date: January 14, 2021it's LATE NIGHT SPRESS and this week bennie goes through the fam's most irrational fears like thinking someone is going to shoot you in the head every time you stop at a red light HAHA :( He... admits that he's 1000% jealous of dogs when they wear turtle necks and breaks down what is actually going on in your silverware drawer. Ben realizes every time a guy leaves his house he acts like he's going to be gone for an entire decade ... then he gets scared imagining the huge scissors politicians use for grand openings. He goes #ViViViViral and does #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😎 𝘿𝙈 𝙤𝙧 𝙏𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝘼𝙉𝙔 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙙 ! (@benedictpolizzi) →→→ 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄! 𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝗲𝗻!: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi
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It's shot 141, and more importantly, it's late night suppress.
Why is this song so sad already.
Dude, something just as simple as a song can make my ass tear up.
Dude, I'm the easiest crier on earth.
I swear to God.
When girls are like, I cry during every movie, I'm like, well, that makes two of us.
Dude, I swear to God, it doesn't even matter if it's sad or not.
I cried during Rocky Balboa, the movie.
Of course.
No, seriously.
And every time I cry in a movie, like, why is the whole theater looking at me?
Dude, I don't know why, but it's during training scenes.
During training scenes, during, like, this Rocky movie that wasn't even, like, cry worthy. I was like...
I sounded like Rocky too.
I was like, if I see someone else crying, I'm like,
he's the easiest crier of all time. Dude, I can barely even raise my voice without crying, bro.
I can't get mad, dude.
I can't.
I can't get.
I got yelled at so much during my goddamn life, I can't even get mad anymore at anybody.
I'm starting to cry right now.
No, I'm just playing.
Holy shit.
Oh, my God. Holy shit Oh my god
You ever have to cover up your cry
You're like I wanna cry but like
I can't do it right now in front of you
Dude I always used to cry at the pool
When I was a kid
Crying at the pool was dope because you could just
Swim underwater and get back up and be like
Yeah dude just open my eyes underwater but inside you're like fuck you
You good, and I'd be like yeah, I'm fine. Why?
I'm fine. I'm good. Just don't ever take my fucking noodle again
People were so mad at me. I feel like growing up that I can't get mad
At the right stuff anymore
Like I get mad at like
Guys wearing flip flops
Like somebody could slash my tires
And I'd be like I deserve it
But if I see the guy slash them and he runs away
And he's like
I'm like get his ass Anytime I's like, I'm like, get his ass. Anytime I raise my voice
in like a very like high energy, like situation, I'm like, dude, it sucks. Like, I can't like,
I can't be like assertive because every time I yell, I'm like, and then, yeah. And then that's
what you should do. My voice always cracks. I'm like, that's what you should do.
All right.
What's up, man?
Shot 141.
Espresso podcast with Ben Polizzi.
We're chilling.
We're just sitting in the studio.
Thanks for grabbing merch.
The merch is all, it's over, man.
The merch sale is over
Had a couple like
Last minute orders in
At the buzzer
But
Count it all up
It's getting made right now
And then we're shipping it out
So thanks for your order
I really appreciate
Supporting the fam
Cause this is the pod dude
It's the pod
You know this is your getaway pod
It's the
It's the most getaway pod
of all time you just need you need like you need 40 minutes you need a 40 minute fuck around sesh
express it out we're expressing out remember to follow on twitter instagram cameo tiktok
all that benedict polizzi that monet video was nice. Thanks for commenting on that and like
sharing that and stuff for real. There's been so many of those like MLMs, multi-level marketing
schemes that people just jump into. Dude, and those people recruit hard. No one does anything
like they recruit for an MLM. Remember Veeam-a-verb?
Verb.
Remember Veeam-a-verb?
Veeam-a-verb.
Action.
Veeam-a-verb, remember that shit?
That sales pitch.
I was like, will you get off my ass?
That's one reason I'm not a good salesperson.
Every time I've worked in a sales job, which is every job of all time, I'm like, I don't want to bug you, man.
time I've worked in a sales job, which is every job of all time, I'm like, I don't want to bug you, man. I worked at a shoe store growing up and I was like, um, they're like, what's new? What you
got, man? And I was like, if you don't see anything you like, they're like, Hey, try to upsell the
insoles in shoes. That was like our thing at a shoe store. They're like, push the insoles.
I was like, insoles? Who the fuck? Like, I felt so uncomfortable selling insoles. I was like, insoles? Who the fuck? Like, I felt so uncomfortable selling insoles.
I was like, man, I'll just take the L on that category for the month. Like, insoles? But at
the same time, I'm like a salesperson's dream, dude. If you get me with a good salesperson,
I will buy every goddamn thing he says. I will get got.
You tell me some
socks match some sandals?
You tell me some jeans
match some thong sandals? I'll
walk out of the store
my happy ass.
Oh my god.
But yeah. Yo! but yeah yo
you guys came through with the question of the week
it was what's your most irrational
fear
there are so many DM's
I'm so glad everyone's scared of nothing
dude
I guess this isn't an irrational fear but this is a real fear
I always want to leave my car on at the gas station, like, go inside and, like, buy a protein bar.
But I'm always like, someone's definitely stealing my car.
Or, like, when you leave your laptop out at a Starbucks.
I'm always like, these people are so nice in here.
Why do I always think the baristas are, like, laptop police?
One time I was at Starbucks like listening to
music working on stuff and like I just you know when you're at Starbucks you I always just trap
out Starbucks and it would be dude I swear to god they make Starbucks like 10 degrees on purpose so
people get the fuck out because I would hang out in Starbucks like for five hours just like
rumbling through stuff just like doing stuff on my computer and I'd bring
like a winter coat because it's so cold they just want you to get the hell out dude but I was like
no I'm ready I'd sit in the best spot two outlets on my left and just go crazy and just make fun of
the people that came to Starbucks and I'd have to go to the bathroom like every 20 seconds and
I'd be listening to music and one time I went to the bathroom and I heard the AirPod thing like,
and I was like, while I was in the bathroom door locked and I was probably naked like in front of the mirror.
And I was like, oh no.
And like I tried to hurry up and like wash my hands and get the hell out of there.
Water all over my pants as I'm running back to my table at starbucks in the corner with the two outlets this is blasting from the speakers
this This.
Dude, I swear to God, how tight was pink, though?
I'm my own worst enemy.
How are you and all yourself?
Every single time my AirPods disconnect from my computer, I'm like,
Because I'm a hazard to myself.
Man.
But yeah, I don't know what we were talking about.
Oh, yeah, that's my irrational fear. That every time leave airpods in and like move away from my device that they're just gonna blast from my phone
I'm always listening to like the most dramatic song it's never like right for the
for the place I'm in and it's always at red lights too I'll pull up to a red light with my windows down I'll
be listening to like the most awkward song I'll be like oh god sorry sorry you ever look at the
cars next to you and you're like I know that's crazy I know it's so weird I wasn't that big
school right my dad rented this car when my dad was really big into renting cars for like two
years I don't know what that is. But this motherfucker had a different
car. He was just like, I don't know.
I was just, it's cheaper to rent
a car than it is to pay for gas for my
Jeep. So I was just like,
what? And one of the cars
he rented and took me to school in was like
every time he'd stop at the stop sign, the volume
would go down.
And he would get so pissed
at it. He'd be like, i kind of like it but i like
to control it i'm like of course you do man my dad's the type of dude that like my dad's such
a fucking psycho when it's raining and the windshield wipers are going he won't let him
go automatic like if there's a little bit too much rain on the window he'll just like hit it once
it'll be like he'd be like that's all all I need. And I'm like, just let it
go. Because it would get like way
too much rain on the window. And I'd be like, it's time.
It's time to go. Hit the wipers.
Like, make them go on automatic.
Are you serious? He's like, that
doesn't work at the pace I want. I'm like,
dude. Anyway.
Most
irrational fears. Let's do it.
I love this god damn podcast Irrational fears
Court Wesson
Sharks or snakes coming up from the toilet
To pull you in by the ass
And eat you for a snack
I've definitely thought about that
Every time I'm sitting on the toilet
I always think of anaconda is just gonna
just my vulnerable ass
haven't you seen pictures of that like like a toilet in africa has like a snake coming out of
it and you're like okay not shitting anymore
mostly rational fears someone is for sure going to break into my apartment and get me while
i'm asleep yeah same my current apartment is old and it has no locks on any of the inside doors i
don't know if you should be saying this i have to create a barrier out of random items every single
night so nobody can get in while I'm asleep I always
think about that but I'm like who the fuck would break into my stupid apartment I always hear the
weirdest noises when I'm like half asleep but I'm like just getting ready to go to sleep I always
hear like I'm like who the fuck I always hear like a serious clap and it sounds so real and I'm like
someone definitely just stood up and tried to like kill a gnat what ghost is
just trying to in my house trying to kill gnats lexi morris most irrational fears when i get on
an escalator i have to strategically pick a stair to step on or i'll get sucked into the thing
my mom always used to jack with me and be like, yeah, do you, Benny, do you remember that kid?
Do you hear that kid in the news that got his shoe torn up and he had to have surgery on his foot
because the teeth of the escalator, he was messing around on it like you right now.
That is like such a thing, like getting off of an escalator.
I'm like, it looks so unathletic.
like getting off of an escalator, I'm like,
looks so unathletic.
I've watched people get off escalators,
and I'm like, oh, yeah, they're just, like, so smooth with it.
Every time I'm like,
you have to, like, step real quick.
Once you get to the middle, you're like, oh, okay, fine.
Finally, we're in the bedding part of Macy's.
Finally, we're in the home and bedding,
home and beds at Macy's
how the fuck am I always going up there anyway the top floor of a department store at a mall is always the most like depressing thing ever I'm like who the fuck works up here why is it so quiet
don't let me get me Charlie Lynn most irrational fears aluminum foil especially near teeth that is
is that a real thing biting down on aluminum foil can cause pain when it comes in contact
with your teeth plus putting your teeth in direct contact with abrasive ingredients such as salt
baking soda can erode enamel that's the weirdest like. Teeth in foil?
That could hurt so bad.
And at the same time, there's kids on your public school bus putting winter fresh grills in their mouth.
That was such a phase, dude.
Book cover on your head, grill in your mouth.
I'm Nelly.
Literally 6th grade kids at an all white private school
smile for me daddy
what you looking at
smile for me daddy
what you looking at
man
here we go
Sarah Pop Tarts
irrational fears
every time I put something in the microwave I think it's going to Sarah Pop Tarts. Irrational fears.
Every time I put something in the microwave, I think it's going to catch on fire.
And every time I plug something in, I think it's going to electrocute me.
Yeah.
You ever unplug something when it's kind of dark, like in your house, and you see a spark, and you're like, ah!
The microwave thing is weird to me. When people microwave things over a minute, I'm like, just go get chemo.
Like, if you put something in a microwave for 15 minutes, I'm like, um...
I'm not hungry anymore.
Like, what ha-
Like, dude, a microwave is so weird when you think-
Whoever invented that, dude. Props. A microwave props a microwave yeah just heats it up nothing
else just the food it heats it up cannot be okay for you i used to eat microwave pancakes like it
was a fucking requirement microwave pancakes i would smash right now i'm starving right now
Microwave pancakes I would smash right now
I'm starving right now
Alright let's keep going
Most irrational fear
Faux underscore six
I don't know if it's a fear
But I always think I'm gonna pull away from the gas pump
With the nozzle still in my tank
And just absolutely yank that hoe off the pump
The realest thing I've ever seen in my life
Every time I leave a gas station
I'm like how did I not do it?
And what do you do when you do it?
Do you, like, take it back to the gas station and be like, sorry?
Every time I leave a gas station, I'm like, okay, we're good, we're good.
Like, I can't turn around and check.
I'm just like, yeah, it's definitely connected this time.
Waiting for it?
No?
Okay, we're good.
All right.
Thanks, Speedway.
Most Irrational Fear,
Tdant23.
German Shepherds and Huskies
just don't sit right with me.
German Shepherds and Huskies.
Their ears are up too tall.
Every time I see a German Shepherd,
I'm like,
why are you so alert?
Like, just rest.
They're so alert, it scares me.
And their eyes are always different colors. I'm like, dude,
you just need to chill out. Are you reading
my mind right now?
They're so alert.
I'm like, what are you waiting for?
There's a husky just sitting in the corner. I'm like,
what? I've never
even pet a husky. On God.
I need a dumb ass dog
if I'm gonna have a dog
I need that thing to be dumb as hell
anytime he does something smart
you're like wow
I hate a smart dog
when dogs can open doors and talk
I'm like okay
can we have it for a minute dogs
can we just have the spotlight for a minute
now you gotta say I love you I can't even say I love you in real life. And my
dog can say that I love you dog pissed me off so much. And for some, I saw it. I was like,
fuck. It's like jealous of him. I'm low key jealous of dogs. He's the most jealous man in
the world. One time a girl I liked posted a picture with a dog and I was like fuck
that then I was like wait a minute no but it was obviously a husky girls will
post a picture with you and be like hmm yeah we're at the Pacer game girl post a
picture of the dog never been happier in her goddamn life the smile on a girl's face when
she posts a picture with a dog i'm like god he can't even talk yeah but the only thing he can
say is okay he's jealous of dogs okay here we go ashwee 33 most irrational fear i don't know why but having a giant bowl of cereal
spill all over my entire bed and then i have to change all my sheets and comfort and the mattress
is ruined i don't even eat cereal in bed but i think about this scenario a lot and how bad it
would suck yeah man i always make the mistake of doing anything but sleeping on my bed and always
end up sleeping like i'll be like oh i'm gonna work
on this thing on my bed i'll get it all done dude what did i eat i tried to make a peanut
i made a peanut butter and jelly every time i make peanut butter and jellies now i make them like so
extravagant and i'm like yeah yeah peanut butter and jelly yeah and then like I act like it's not
gonna fall off the sandwich I had my whole bed had jelly all over it one night and I was like
what
wash my bed like once every 17 years whoops
I'll always pour like the best bowl of cereal I I'm like, you ever have a crazy cereal night where you want cereal so bad you like add fruit to it?
Always at night.
Never do that in the morning.
Because you're like, I've got to hurry.
I'll do all that to a bowl of cereal and be like, and put it in like a good bowl.
Like now it's time.
And pour the milk in and the milk straight up expired.
I'm like.
It's happened so many times.
And I'm like, you know what?
Guess I'm not Captain Crunch Isaiah Barnes
Most irrational fear
That someone is gonna shoot me at a red light
That's not irrational bro
I always think I'm just gonna get shot right in the temple
At a red light
Like I'm way too vulnerable
just in my little dumbass car.
That's so funny.
You shoot me at a red light.
Most irrational fear.
Saw the skeleton of a blue whale when I was a kid
and ever since been scared to
death of whales it seems like whales are super harmless like if a whale swallowed me I'd be like
hey uh you let me out it'd be like oh yeah like there's a killer whale I'm like no there's not
whales are too like big and like the prudential logo to be mean is it called prudential
logo to be mean. Is it called Prudential? Prudential it is. Oh my God. That's a fucking mountain. I'm an idiot, dude. I thought that was a whale. What's the whale logo? Don't
look that up, please. American family insurance. Oh, vineyard vines. See, that's like every
whale to me. It's like the nicest, like a dumbass dog.
Same vibe, whales and dogs.
Cats and sharks, same exact thing.
Kristen Nicole.
Most irrational fear, driving on bridges.
When I'm on a bridge, I picture driving off them
and having a very vivid imagination.
I've had so many dreams where I just blow through a barrier and fly off of a bridge.
Sometimes, like, on roads with construction, you know, like, the cement barriers are so close to your car.
I'm like, like, how are some people getting through this?
I've never been more focused when there's construction on a road and I have to, like, go some weird way with cement barriers.
I'm like, like like Mario Kart focused when
I'm playing Mario Kart I've never been more focused and I always fuck up and
end up like going the wrong way and I don't know I'm going the wrong way for
like five minutes and then a little star pops down he's like hey
and then a little star pops down and he's like,
Hey, you're a dumbass. You're a dumbass.
Brew collar breeze in the hand.
I don't know how to say that.
Most irrational fear.
Working on a commercial building rooftop.
I fear I'm going to trip over my own feet and fall to my death.
God.
I painted houses as some dumb job one summer just because i was like i want to work but i want to get a tan that's like still my goal
to this day i need to like switch my mindset but every time i get a job i'm like can i get a tan
during it that's like my number one requirement what do you need we want you on our team like
some some corporate guy talking to me what do you need
how can we make this work
I'm like I have to be getting a tan the whole time I'm working
that's it
I don't want any money
I just want to be getting a tan while I'm working
it was called college pro painting
we had meetings at like Panera
I was like okay I'm a Monet girl.
David H underscore Williams, most irrational fear, getting lost while cave diving and having to watch myself run out of air until I suffocate.
And I don't even scuba dive in a cave.
Yeah, getting lost in a cave would be pretty crazy.
God, I wish I'd get lost in one of those Egyptian caves dude I would just look at the hieroglyphics the whole time and be
like bury me right next to a hematop please yeah he died in a cave did he die
doing what he loved yeah looking at pictures of people carrying rocks yeah
zach shoddy shoddy damn if that's really his last name zach shoddy s-c-h-a-d-e zach shoddy most irrational fear whenever i have nosebleed seats from a game i'm convincing when to fall
forward over the seats in front of me off the balcony. No shit, man.
And every time I'm in nosebleed seats, I'm
like, if I jump from here, I swear
I could land on the court.
Number one thing
I think every time I'm at a game, if I jump,
I'm literally
like, pass me the ball, I'm shooting.
Every time I'm at a Colts game
at the top, I'm like, I swear if I stood
on this little railing and just dove off like I was in a pool, game at the top, I'm like, I swear if I stood on this little railing
and just dove off like I was in a pool,
I would land in the huddle.
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
Most irrational fears.
Okay, that was Instagram.
Now on Twitter.
I started putting these questions on Twitter
and people are into it.
Most irrational fears.
Porcelain dolls. Braden Cole, most irrational fear. Porcelain dolls Braden Cole most irrational fear porcelain dolls
porcelain dolls are actually the most terrifying thing I've ever seen in my life
and why is one of its eyes always like
one of its eyes is always
it's always like
and now I scared myself
late night suppress always scared
most irrational fear midwest amber that i'm going to turn on the garbage disposal and a
forker knife is going to come flying and stick me in the eyeball yeah garbage disposals are
a crazy thing too that we're just allowed to have in our houses like damn that shit is
chopping some stuff up you ever have a fork in the garbage disposal and it's like and you turn
it on it's like the fork's like shaking and spazzing and you're like sorry bro you like to
you like turn the garbage disposal off and like apologize to the fork you're like hey
i'm really sorry he goes back in the fork drawer and like tells everybody
Fork
That fork is like the guy who went to jail
That you're like what happened
No way
That fork's like the bad boy
The spoons are like hey fork
I'm fucked up for that
Yeah I was in the slammer for about 13 seconds.
No way, are you okay?
Never been better.
Looks like you got some chip marks on you.
That's kind of sexy.
Yeah.
Nothing a little dishwasher can't fix.
God, I love Fork
Oh my god yes
I just went through that
You know though like you don't think when you shut the silverware drawer
They all talk to each other
The knives are like hey quiet down
We're trying to stay focused
And sharp over here
Knives are such the kings of the silverware drawer
They're like holding it down
There's always way more than the other shit
because you don't use knives that much.
They're always like, we're here.
We'll be there.
Uh-huh.
We're here.
Spoons are way too sexy.
They're definitely girls.
Hey.
Forks are like, we'll get the job done,
whatever you need.
They're definitely just like hardworking guys.
Forks.
You always have your favorite fork.
You ever open the silverware drawer
and just be like
this is my fork i always low-key look for it when i can't find i'm like yeah whatever go with this
backup fork i hate a big ass fork i hate big ass forks at restaurants like steak restaurants i'm
like oh let's eat and then it's like a fucking trident next to me i'm like i drive the smallest
mouth of all time i think that sometimes i'm like i wonder if my mouth is smaller than normal people
because this fork is fucking huge i love a little baby ass fork i'm like hi
just looks like way more like attractive right
this was this is funny brett pellerin most irrational fear giant scissors that
politicians use in grand openings why the fuck are those so big
those are the biggest what do they do with those scissors when they're done
is there just one pair of scissors for grand openings and they just ship them around the
country like oh shit best Best Buy's opening?
Where's the room that just stores all those big ass scissors? If I walked in
that room and saw those big ass scissors, I would
immediately die.
That's scarier than me than seeing like a snake
in a hallway face to face. If I walked in
the storage room of all those
big politician
grand opening scissors, I'd be like
AHHHHH! big politician grand opening scissors I'd be like ahhhh
Jeff Ewan most irrational fears that someone
has compiled all the voicemails I thought
I deleted by hitting 3 erase
and re-record and has plans publicly
embarrass me
my life is peaking
ew yeah seriously though I always My life is peaking. Ew.
Yeah, seriously though.
I always think I am like accidentally leaving a voicemail to somebody.
Because it's happened to me so many times.
I'm like, I'm probably leaving like three voicemails that are four minutes long to people randomly every single day.
You ever get one of those voicemails that's like 10 years long? You listen to the whole goddamn thing like you're James Bond.
Whenever
I get a four minute voicemail, I'm like shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, sh super like uh like cool but she never like showed it or she was you know group people like that
she left me a voicemail one time this girl that was always like always like very like oh yeah
like cute and like trying to be like but one time she left me a voicemail and she's wilding out in
her car singing this song and just being like like when you're in like middle school you know
how you are your house compared to. It's like two different people basically.
Just wouldn't really, she was kind of shy in person.
Like didn't really want to like, you know, do anything dumb.
So she was like reserved this in her car and voicemail.
I was like, this girl never calls me. I was like, oh, this girl left me a voicemail. I was like, this girl never calls me.
I was like, oh, this girl left me a voicemail.
And it was just this, her in her car,
like very offbeat and like erratic
with the windows down for sure on a summer day.
Like trying to sing really good.
Every girl thinks they can sing like fucking Cher.
Every single girl is like, I can sing.
And they always sing like, it's a proven fact.
Every girl thinks like they are Britney Spears.
They're like, if I wanted to.
But this is her in her car.
So offbeat.
And I was so, like, I knew she was going to be so embarrassed that I didn't even tell her.
And every time I see her, I'm like.
Hey, you like Maroon 5?
Hey, you like Maroon 5?
Hey, you like Wiz Khalifa?
Most Irrational Fear, Jimmy Thang 12.
That Johnson and Joey Molinero will stop working out and blacking out.
That's so stupid.
You been in the gym?
Yeah, just working out and blacking out.
Oh, God.
All right, let's go viral.
Vi-vi-vi-vi-viral. Vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi I dated a person who I sort of got one time I dated this girl and she was
she honestly was it was like I was on
an episode of boiling points
every single time
like she hums like if it
like that's it that's like the one
thing I was just like damn dude
you hum like if it was quiet
for a little bit she'd be like
and I'd be like what?
She always pronounced all
the words wrong. I like a running list in my
phone.
She's like queen of
dropping the L in both.
She'd be like yeah both and I'd be like oh.
Hashtag the secret to staying young.
We're gonna die young.
Don't hang around old people, bro.
Oh my God.
If I'm around older people for like 20 minutes, I walk old.
What happens when people turn 60 years old, they just think that their house is going to
blow up at all times when they're not there. That's an old person, irrational fear. Every
time my dad leaves his house, he's like everything unplugged in the whole entire place. All right,
I'm going to go to Starbucks. Like, dude, you're not leaving for 17 years. You're getting an iced Americano.
All right.
Like, when he leaves and I'm about to leave the house, I swear to God,
he parks somewhere in the neighborhood, watches me leave, comes back to the house,
unplugs everything, and then leaves to do what he has to do.
He's like, make sure you unplug the stove when you leave.
I'm like, what?
unplug the stove when you leave. I'm like,
what?
When guys leave a house,
they act like they're going to leave for literally a decade.
They're really just going to get the mail.
Let's do days.
Tuesday.
National Kiss a ginger day Red haired people growing up
Were just like a menace to society
And now they're like the most attractive people of all time
And it's not even red hair
People with red hair it's orange
Like what are we missing there
Red hair
I'm like it's orange
And when I was a kid I was like why are we missing there red hair i'm like it's orange and when i
was a kid i was like why are they calling it red i was so confused national curried chicken day
chicken's a conspiracy theory for me there is so much chicken where is it coming from
you know how many chickens there has to be every Every time I see a bunch of chickens, it's always just like eight.
Bro, the amount of chicken we consume as a country, where are they?
I've never seen more than like 30 chickens.
I always see eight chickens in like some weird fence.
I'm like, oh.
Food industries are so dirty.
They'll do anything to like scrape
and like I swear they're cloning chicken
never been more
passionate about anything than chicken clones
there's no way
there's that many chickens in this god damn world
national pharmacist day
ew I hate how pharmacists, like, know all your problems.
That's the same with, like, gas station clerks, too.
You know, if you, like, go to the same gas station a lot, they, like, know what you're into.
You ever had a gas station clerk be like, same old?
That's when you know you got a problem.
Ew, man. be like same old that's when you know you got a problem ew man one time i i like was so hungry and nothing was open so i went in this gas station by my house the marathon but i always go in there and buy like a million granola bars and shit like that
because i'm like what else am i gonna buy at a gas station honestly and i went to ring it out and the cashier was like very low carb diet and I was like oh my
god I bought it all ate one thing and threw the rest in the trash dude I tried to give all the
shit to a homeless person they're like I'm good I'm like what did I just buy that a homeless lady
doesn't like it was like two packs of pop tarts and the homeless lady was like no I was like two packs of Pop-Tarts. And the homeless lady was like, no. I was like, what?
Rather have a beer.
Wednesday.
National Sticker Day.
Hey, speaking of that, this was a surprise, actually, when people bought merch.
I was like, hey, if you order before midnight, you get a surprise.
Everybody's getting stickers.
And I cannot wait. I ordered them today they're gonna be hype when you're a kid stickers remember uh the scratch and sniff joints I still scratch every sticker I come across and be like
just don't make them like they used to
when a girl had scratch and sniffs, I was like, let me smell your binder.
She's like, okay, thought you just wanted my homework.
I was such an animal when I was a kid.
I can vividly remember this person sitting up from their chair in kindergarten and walking away and me crawling over to the chair and smelling the shit out of it.
I couldn't have been the only one i swear straight plastic school chair i was like and i tried to play it off like i didn't do it like i like i like kind of looked up and
looked away and i was like all right yeah what are you guys playing over here
the teacher's probably like Call his mom
What did Benny do at school
He was just sniffing chairs
Everybody sat in
That's so weird dude
That's the most animal I've ever been in my life
Everybody did that right
Just had recess Just had Just had shapes Everybody did that, right?
Just had recess.
Just had shapes.
Like, what do you learn when you're in kindergarten?
Just had alphabet class.
Ah!
Okay.
National dress-up your pet day. I used to think that was so crazy it just depends on your
pet honestly you know cats fucking hate that dude if you dress up your cat you know that cat's gonna
kill you one day fact but if it's like a cute like curly dog and it has like a vest on i'm like
guess you stole my girl dogs constantly stealing girls and they
don't even care about it dogs effortlessly stealing your girlfriends every minute like
if a dog has a turtleneck on i'm like all right dude a guy in a turtleneck and a dog in a
turtleneck who you picking 10 out of 10 times a dog. When guys
were turtlenecks, I'm like, or a sweater. Have you seen a dog's chest in a sweater?
It's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. That pumped up, puffed out chest. They're just
standing there. They got the best posture ever. Have you been bench pressing when I leave?
Guys, boobs and sweaters. I'm like, oh, dog's boobs and sweaters. Come here. You deserve my girl.
National Fig Newton Day, Saturday, National Fig Newton Day. Saturday, National Fig Newton Day.
Something about fig newtons that I could eat 85 of them and not bat an eye.
Why do I kind of think it's healthy, but it's absolutely not?
Dude, have you ever had just like a stack of fig newtons in your hand?
You feel valuable.
You could like go to a grocery store and be like,
I don't have any money, but I have seven Fig Newtons
They'd be like go ahead
We'll take care of it this time
Then you walk away and they're like give me the fucking Fig Newtons though
Oh oh oh
Alright that's shot 141
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