Espresso - irrational fears

Episode Date: January 14, 2021

it's LATE NIGHT SPRESS and this week bennie goes through the fam's most irrational fears like thinking someone is going to shoot you in the head every time you stop at a red light HAHA :( He... admits that he's 1000% jealous of dogs when they wear turtle necks and breaks down what is actually going on in your silverware drawer. Ben realizes every time a guy leaves his house he acts like he's going to be gone for an entire decade ... then he gets scared imagining the huge scissors politicians use for grand openings. He goes #ViViViViral and does #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😎 𝘿𝙈 𝙤𝙧 𝙏𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝘼𝙉𝙔 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙙 ! (@benedictpolizzi) →→→ 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄! 𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝗲𝗻!: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

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Starting point is 00:00:00 The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by WaveOne Media. If you want to start your own show, visit thewaveone.com. It's shot 141, and more importantly, it's late night suppress. Why is this song so sad already. Dude, something just as simple as a song can make my ass tear up. Dude, I'm the easiest crier on earth. I swear to God. When girls are like, I cry during every movie, I'm like, well, that makes two of us.
Starting point is 00:01:03 Dude, I swear to God, it doesn't even matter if it's sad or not. I cried during Rocky Balboa, the movie. Of course. No, seriously. And every time I cry in a movie, like, why is the whole theater looking at me? Dude, I don't know why, but it's during training scenes. During training scenes, during, like, this Rocky movie that wasn't even, like, cry worthy. I was like... I sounded like Rocky too.
Starting point is 00:01:29 I was like, if I see someone else crying, I'm like, he's the easiest crier of all time. Dude, I can barely even raise my voice without crying, bro. I can't get mad, dude. I can't. I can't get. I got yelled at so much during my goddamn life, I can't even get mad anymore at anybody. I'm starting to cry right now. No, I'm just playing.
Starting point is 00:02:01 Holy shit. Oh, my God. Holy shit Oh my god You ever have to cover up your cry You're like I wanna cry but like I can't do it right now in front of you Dude I always used to cry at the pool When I was a kid Crying at the pool was dope because you could just
Starting point is 00:02:21 Swim underwater and get back up and be like Yeah dude just open my eyes underwater but inside you're like fuck you You good, and I'd be like yeah, I'm fine. Why? I'm fine. I'm good. Just don't ever take my fucking noodle again People were so mad at me. I feel like growing up that I can't get mad At the right stuff anymore Like I get mad at like Guys wearing flip flops
Starting point is 00:02:52 Like somebody could slash my tires And I'd be like I deserve it But if I see the guy slash them and he runs away And he's like I'm like get his ass Anytime I's like, I'm like, get his ass. Anytime I raise my voice in like a very like high energy, like situation, I'm like, dude, it sucks. Like, I can't like, I can't be like assertive because every time I yell, I'm like, and then, yeah. And then that's what you should do. My voice always cracks. I'm like, that's what you should do.
Starting point is 00:03:26 All right. What's up, man? Shot 141. Espresso podcast with Ben Polizzi. We're chilling. We're just sitting in the studio. Thanks for grabbing merch. The merch is all, it's over, man.
Starting point is 00:03:44 The merch sale is over Had a couple like Last minute orders in At the buzzer But Count it all up It's getting made right now And then we're shipping it out
Starting point is 00:03:53 So thanks for your order I really appreciate Supporting the fam Cause this is the pod dude It's the pod You know this is your getaway pod It's the It's the most getaway pod
Starting point is 00:04:05 of all time you just need you need like you need 40 minutes you need a 40 minute fuck around sesh express it out we're expressing out remember to follow on twitter instagram cameo tiktok all that benedict polizzi that monet video was nice. Thanks for commenting on that and like sharing that and stuff for real. There's been so many of those like MLMs, multi-level marketing schemes that people just jump into. Dude, and those people recruit hard. No one does anything like they recruit for an MLM. Remember Veeam-a-verb? Verb. Remember Veeam-a-verb?
Starting point is 00:04:48 Veeam-a-verb. Action. Veeam-a-verb, remember that shit? That sales pitch. I was like, will you get off my ass? That's one reason I'm not a good salesperson. Every time I've worked in a sales job, which is every job of all time, I'm like, I don't want to bug you, man. time I've worked in a sales job, which is every job of all time, I'm like, I don't want to bug you, man. I worked at a shoe store growing up and I was like, um, they're like, what's new? What you
Starting point is 00:05:10 got, man? And I was like, if you don't see anything you like, they're like, Hey, try to upsell the insoles in shoes. That was like our thing at a shoe store. They're like, push the insoles. I was like, insoles? Who the fuck? Like, I felt so uncomfortable selling insoles. I was like, insoles? Who the fuck? Like, I felt so uncomfortable selling insoles. I was like, man, I'll just take the L on that category for the month. Like, insoles? But at the same time, I'm like a salesperson's dream, dude. If you get me with a good salesperson, I will buy every goddamn thing he says. I will get got. You tell me some socks match some sandals?
Starting point is 00:05:50 You tell me some jeans match some thong sandals? I'll walk out of the store my happy ass. Oh my god. But yeah. Yo! but yeah yo you guys came through with the question of the week it was what's your most irrational
Starting point is 00:06:13 fear there are so many DM's I'm so glad everyone's scared of nothing dude I guess this isn't an irrational fear but this is a real fear I always want to leave my car on at the gas station, like, go inside and, like, buy a protein bar. But I'm always like, someone's definitely stealing my car. Or, like, when you leave your laptop out at a Starbucks.
Starting point is 00:06:36 I'm always like, these people are so nice in here. Why do I always think the baristas are, like, laptop police? One time I was at Starbucks like listening to music working on stuff and like I just you know when you're at Starbucks you I always just trap out Starbucks and it would be dude I swear to god they make Starbucks like 10 degrees on purpose so people get the fuck out because I would hang out in Starbucks like for five hours just like rumbling through stuff just like doing stuff on my computer and I'd bring like a winter coat because it's so cold they just want you to get the hell out dude but I was like
Starting point is 00:07:10 no I'm ready I'd sit in the best spot two outlets on my left and just go crazy and just make fun of the people that came to Starbucks and I'd have to go to the bathroom like every 20 seconds and I'd be listening to music and one time I went to the bathroom and I heard the AirPod thing like, and I was like, while I was in the bathroom door locked and I was probably naked like in front of the mirror. And I was like, oh no. And like I tried to hurry up and like wash my hands and get the hell out of there. Water all over my pants as I'm running back to my table at starbucks in the corner with the two outlets this is blasting from the speakers this This.
Starting point is 00:08:15 Dude, I swear to God, how tight was pink, though? I'm my own worst enemy. How are you and all yourself? Every single time my AirPods disconnect from my computer, I'm like, Because I'm a hazard to myself. Man. But yeah, I don't know what we were talking about. Oh, yeah, that's my irrational fear. That every time leave airpods in and like move away from my device that they're just gonna blast from my phone
Starting point is 00:08:51 I'm always listening to like the most dramatic song it's never like right for the for the place I'm in and it's always at red lights too I'll pull up to a red light with my windows down I'll be listening to like the most awkward song I'll be like oh god sorry sorry you ever look at the cars next to you and you're like I know that's crazy I know it's so weird I wasn't that big school right my dad rented this car when my dad was really big into renting cars for like two years I don't know what that is. But this motherfucker had a different car. He was just like, I don't know. I was just, it's cheaper to rent
Starting point is 00:09:30 a car than it is to pay for gas for my Jeep. So I was just like, what? And one of the cars he rented and took me to school in was like every time he'd stop at the stop sign, the volume would go down. And he would get so pissed at it. He'd be like, i kind of like it but i like
Starting point is 00:09:45 to control it i'm like of course you do man my dad's the type of dude that like my dad's such a fucking psycho when it's raining and the windshield wipers are going he won't let him go automatic like if there's a little bit too much rain on the window he'll just like hit it once it'll be like he'd be like that's all all I need. And I'm like, just let it go. Because it would get like way too much rain on the window. And I'd be like, it's time. It's time to go. Hit the wipers. Like, make them go on automatic.
Starting point is 00:10:14 Are you serious? He's like, that doesn't work at the pace I want. I'm like, dude. Anyway. Most irrational fears. Let's do it. I love this god damn podcast Irrational fears Court Wesson Sharks or snakes coming up from the toilet
Starting point is 00:10:36 To pull you in by the ass And eat you for a snack I've definitely thought about that Every time I'm sitting on the toilet I always think of anaconda is just gonna just my vulnerable ass haven't you seen pictures of that like like a toilet in africa has like a snake coming out of it and you're like okay not shitting anymore
Starting point is 00:11:00 mostly rational fears someone is for sure going to break into my apartment and get me while i'm asleep yeah same my current apartment is old and it has no locks on any of the inside doors i don't know if you should be saying this i have to create a barrier out of random items every single night so nobody can get in while I'm asleep I always think about that but I'm like who the fuck would break into my stupid apartment I always hear the weirdest noises when I'm like half asleep but I'm like just getting ready to go to sleep I always hear like I'm like who the fuck I always hear like a serious clap and it sounds so real and I'm like someone definitely just stood up and tried to like kill a gnat what ghost is
Starting point is 00:11:47 just trying to in my house trying to kill gnats lexi morris most irrational fears when i get on an escalator i have to strategically pick a stair to step on or i'll get sucked into the thing my mom always used to jack with me and be like, yeah, do you, Benny, do you remember that kid? Do you hear that kid in the news that got his shoe torn up and he had to have surgery on his foot because the teeth of the escalator, he was messing around on it like you right now. That is like such a thing, like getting off of an escalator. I'm like, it looks so unathletic. like getting off of an escalator, I'm like,
Starting point is 00:12:24 looks so unathletic. I've watched people get off escalators, and I'm like, oh, yeah, they're just, like, so smooth with it. Every time I'm like, you have to, like, step real quick. Once you get to the middle, you're like, oh, okay, fine. Finally, we're in the bedding part of Macy's. Finally, we're in the home and bedding,
Starting point is 00:12:44 home and beds at Macy's how the fuck am I always going up there anyway the top floor of a department store at a mall is always the most like depressing thing ever I'm like who the fuck works up here why is it so quiet don't let me get me Charlie Lynn most irrational fears aluminum foil especially near teeth that is is that a real thing biting down on aluminum foil can cause pain when it comes in contact with your teeth plus putting your teeth in direct contact with abrasive ingredients such as salt baking soda can erode enamel that's the weirdest like. Teeth in foil? That could hurt so bad. And at the same time, there's kids on your public school bus putting winter fresh grills in their mouth.
Starting point is 00:13:35 That was such a phase, dude. Book cover on your head, grill in your mouth. I'm Nelly. Literally 6th grade kids at an all white private school smile for me daddy what you looking at smile for me daddy what you looking at
Starting point is 00:13:56 man here we go Sarah Pop Tarts irrational fears every time I put something in the microwave I think it's going to Sarah Pop Tarts. Irrational fears. Every time I put something in the microwave, I think it's going to catch on fire. And every time I plug something in, I think it's going to electrocute me. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:18 You ever unplug something when it's kind of dark, like in your house, and you see a spark, and you're like, ah! The microwave thing is weird to me. When people microwave things over a minute, I'm like, just go get chemo. Like, if you put something in a microwave for 15 minutes, I'm like, um... I'm not hungry anymore. Like, what ha- Like, dude, a microwave is so weird when you think- Whoever invented that, dude. Props. A microwave props a microwave yeah just heats it up nothing else just the food it heats it up cannot be okay for you i used to eat microwave pancakes like it
Starting point is 00:14:56 was a fucking requirement microwave pancakes i would smash right now i'm starving right now Microwave pancakes I would smash right now I'm starving right now Alright let's keep going Most irrational fear Faux underscore six I don't know if it's a fear But I always think I'm gonna pull away from the gas pump
Starting point is 00:15:15 With the nozzle still in my tank And just absolutely yank that hoe off the pump The realest thing I've ever seen in my life Every time I leave a gas station I'm like how did I not do it? And what do you do when you do it? Do you, like, take it back to the gas station and be like, sorry? Every time I leave a gas station, I'm like, okay, we're good, we're good.
Starting point is 00:15:39 Like, I can't turn around and check. I'm just like, yeah, it's definitely connected this time. Waiting for it? No? Okay, we're good. All right. Thanks, Speedway. Most Irrational Fear,
Starting point is 00:15:50 Tdant23. German Shepherds and Huskies just don't sit right with me. German Shepherds and Huskies. Their ears are up too tall. Every time I see a German Shepherd, I'm like, why are you so alert?
Starting point is 00:16:02 Like, just rest. They're so alert, it scares me. And their eyes are always different colors. I'm like, dude, you just need to chill out. Are you reading my mind right now? They're so alert. I'm like, what are you waiting for? There's a husky just sitting in the corner. I'm like,
Starting point is 00:16:19 what? I've never even pet a husky. On God. I need a dumb ass dog if I'm gonna have a dog I need that thing to be dumb as hell anytime he does something smart you're like wow I hate a smart dog
Starting point is 00:16:38 when dogs can open doors and talk I'm like okay can we have it for a minute dogs can we just have the spotlight for a minute now you gotta say I love you I can't even say I love you in real life. And my dog can say that I love you dog pissed me off so much. And for some, I saw it. I was like, fuck. It's like jealous of him. I'm low key jealous of dogs. He's the most jealous man in the world. One time a girl I liked posted a picture with a dog and I was like fuck
Starting point is 00:17:07 that then I was like wait a minute no but it was obviously a husky girls will post a picture with you and be like hmm yeah we're at the Pacer game girl post a picture of the dog never been happier in her goddamn life the smile on a girl's face when she posts a picture with a dog i'm like god he can't even talk yeah but the only thing he can say is okay he's jealous of dogs okay here we go ashwee 33 most irrational fear i don't know why but having a giant bowl of cereal spill all over my entire bed and then i have to change all my sheets and comfort and the mattress is ruined i don't even eat cereal in bed but i think about this scenario a lot and how bad it would suck yeah man i always make the mistake of doing anything but sleeping on my bed and always
Starting point is 00:18:02 end up sleeping like i'll be like oh i'm gonna work on this thing on my bed i'll get it all done dude what did i eat i tried to make a peanut i made a peanut butter and jelly every time i make peanut butter and jellies now i make them like so extravagant and i'm like yeah yeah peanut butter and jelly yeah and then like I act like it's not gonna fall off the sandwich I had my whole bed had jelly all over it one night and I was like what wash my bed like once every 17 years whoops I'll always pour like the best bowl of cereal I I'm like, you ever have a crazy cereal night where you want cereal so bad you like add fruit to it?
Starting point is 00:18:47 Always at night. Never do that in the morning. Because you're like, I've got to hurry. I'll do all that to a bowl of cereal and be like, and put it in like a good bowl. Like now it's time. And pour the milk in and the milk straight up expired. I'm like. It's happened so many times.
Starting point is 00:19:03 And I'm like, you know what? Guess I'm not Captain Crunch Isaiah Barnes Most irrational fear That someone is gonna shoot me at a red light That's not irrational bro I always think I'm just gonna get shot right in the temple At a red light Like I'm way too vulnerable
Starting point is 00:19:26 just in my little dumbass car. That's so funny. You shoot me at a red light. Most irrational fear. Saw the skeleton of a blue whale when I was a kid and ever since been scared to death of whales it seems like whales are super harmless like if a whale swallowed me I'd be like hey uh you let me out it'd be like oh yeah like there's a killer whale I'm like no there's not
Starting point is 00:19:56 whales are too like big and like the prudential logo to be mean is it called prudential logo to be mean. Is it called Prudential? Prudential it is. Oh my God. That's a fucking mountain. I'm an idiot, dude. I thought that was a whale. What's the whale logo? Don't look that up, please. American family insurance. Oh, vineyard vines. See, that's like every whale to me. It's like the nicest, like a dumbass dog. Same vibe, whales and dogs. Cats and sharks, same exact thing. Kristen Nicole. Most irrational fear, driving on bridges.
Starting point is 00:20:39 When I'm on a bridge, I picture driving off them and having a very vivid imagination. I've had so many dreams where I just blow through a barrier and fly off of a bridge. Sometimes, like, on roads with construction, you know, like, the cement barriers are so close to your car. I'm like, like, how are some people getting through this? I've never been more focused when there's construction on a road and I have to, like, go some weird way with cement barriers. I'm like, like like Mario Kart focused when I'm playing Mario Kart I've never been more focused and I always fuck up and
Starting point is 00:21:16 end up like going the wrong way and I don't know I'm going the wrong way for like five minutes and then a little star pops down he's like hey and then a little star pops down and he's like, Hey, you're a dumbass. You're a dumbass. Brew collar breeze in the hand. I don't know how to say that. Most irrational fear. Working on a commercial building rooftop.
Starting point is 00:21:41 I fear I'm going to trip over my own feet and fall to my death. God. I painted houses as some dumb job one summer just because i was like i want to work but i want to get a tan that's like still my goal to this day i need to like switch my mindset but every time i get a job i'm like can i get a tan during it that's like my number one requirement what do you need we want you on our team like some some corporate guy talking to me what do you need how can we make this work I'm like I have to be getting a tan the whole time I'm working
Starting point is 00:22:10 that's it I don't want any money I just want to be getting a tan while I'm working it was called college pro painting we had meetings at like Panera I was like okay I'm a Monet girl. David H underscore Williams, most irrational fear, getting lost while cave diving and having to watch myself run out of air until I suffocate. And I don't even scuba dive in a cave.
Starting point is 00:22:41 Yeah, getting lost in a cave would be pretty crazy. God, I wish I'd get lost in one of those Egyptian caves dude I would just look at the hieroglyphics the whole time and be like bury me right next to a hematop please yeah he died in a cave did he die doing what he loved yeah looking at pictures of people carrying rocks yeah zach shoddy shoddy damn if that's really his last name zach shoddy s-c-h-a-d-e zach shoddy most irrational fear whenever i have nosebleed seats from a game i'm convincing when to fall forward over the seats in front of me off the balcony. No shit, man. And every time I'm in nosebleed seats, I'm like, if I jump from here, I swear
Starting point is 00:23:30 I could land on the court. Number one thing I think every time I'm at a game, if I jump, I'm literally like, pass me the ball, I'm shooting. Every time I'm at a Colts game at the top, I'm like, I swear if I stood on this little railing and just dove off like I was in a pool, game at the top, I'm like, I swear if I stood on this little railing
Starting point is 00:23:45 and just dove off like I was in a pool, I would land in the huddle. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Most irrational fears. Okay, that was Instagram. Now on Twitter. I started putting these questions on Twitter and people are into it.
Starting point is 00:24:00 Most irrational fears. Porcelain dolls. Braden Cole, most irrational fear. Porcelain dolls Braden Cole most irrational fear porcelain dolls porcelain dolls are actually the most terrifying thing I've ever seen in my life and why is one of its eyes always like one of its eyes is always it's always like and now I scared myself late night suppress always scared
Starting point is 00:24:27 most irrational fear midwest amber that i'm going to turn on the garbage disposal and a forker knife is going to come flying and stick me in the eyeball yeah garbage disposals are a crazy thing too that we're just allowed to have in our houses like damn that shit is chopping some stuff up you ever have a fork in the garbage disposal and it's like and you turn it on it's like the fork's like shaking and spazzing and you're like sorry bro you like to you like turn the garbage disposal off and like apologize to the fork you're like hey i'm really sorry he goes back in the fork drawer and like tells everybody Fork
Starting point is 00:25:06 That fork is like the guy who went to jail That you're like what happened No way That fork's like the bad boy The spoons are like hey fork I'm fucked up for that Yeah I was in the slammer for about 13 seconds. No way, are you okay?
Starting point is 00:25:28 Never been better. Looks like you got some chip marks on you. That's kind of sexy. Yeah. Nothing a little dishwasher can't fix. God, I love Fork Oh my god yes I just went through that
Starting point is 00:25:49 You know though like you don't think when you shut the silverware drawer They all talk to each other The knives are like hey quiet down We're trying to stay focused And sharp over here Knives are such the kings of the silverware drawer They're like holding it down There's always way more than the other shit
Starting point is 00:26:05 because you don't use knives that much. They're always like, we're here. We'll be there. Uh-huh. We're here. Spoons are way too sexy. They're definitely girls. Hey.
Starting point is 00:26:15 Forks are like, we'll get the job done, whatever you need. They're definitely just like hardworking guys. Forks. You always have your favorite fork. You ever open the silverware drawer and just be like this is my fork i always low-key look for it when i can't find i'm like yeah whatever go with this
Starting point is 00:26:31 backup fork i hate a big ass fork i hate big ass forks at restaurants like steak restaurants i'm like oh let's eat and then it's like a fucking trident next to me i'm like i drive the smallest mouth of all time i think that sometimes i'm like i wonder if my mouth is smaller than normal people because this fork is fucking huge i love a little baby ass fork i'm like hi just looks like way more like attractive right this was this is funny brett pellerin most irrational fear giant scissors that politicians use in grand openings why the fuck are those so big those are the biggest what do they do with those scissors when they're done
Starting point is 00:27:18 is there just one pair of scissors for grand openings and they just ship them around the country like oh shit best Best Buy's opening? Where's the room that just stores all those big ass scissors? If I walked in that room and saw those big ass scissors, I would immediately die. That's scarier than me than seeing like a snake in a hallway face to face. If I walked in the storage room of all those
Starting point is 00:27:39 big politician grand opening scissors, I'd be like AHHHHH! big politician grand opening scissors I'd be like ahhhh Jeff Ewan most irrational fears that someone has compiled all the voicemails I thought I deleted by hitting 3 erase and re-record and has plans publicly embarrass me
Starting point is 00:27:58 my life is peaking ew yeah seriously though I always My life is peaking. Ew. Yeah, seriously though. I always think I am like accidentally leaving a voicemail to somebody. Because it's happened to me so many times. I'm like, I'm probably leaving like three voicemails that are four minutes long to people randomly every single day. You ever get one of those voicemails that's like 10 years long? You listen to the whole goddamn thing like you're James Bond. Whenever
Starting point is 00:28:28 I get a four minute voicemail, I'm like shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, sh super like uh like cool but she never like showed it or she was you know group people like that she left me a voicemail one time this girl that was always like always like very like oh yeah like cute and like trying to be like but one time she left me a voicemail and she's wilding out in her car singing this song and just being like like when you're in like middle school you know how you are your house compared to. It's like two different people basically. Just wouldn't really, she was kind of shy in person. Like didn't really want to like, you know, do anything dumb. So she was like reserved this in her car and voicemail.
Starting point is 00:29:24 I was like, this girl never calls me. I was like, oh, this girl left me a voicemail. I was like, this girl never calls me. I was like, oh, this girl left me a voicemail. And it was just this, her in her car, like very offbeat and like erratic with the windows down for sure on a summer day. Like trying to sing really good. Every girl thinks they can sing like fucking Cher. Every single girl is like, I can sing.
Starting point is 00:29:58 And they always sing like, it's a proven fact. Every girl thinks like they are Britney Spears. They're like, if I wanted to. But this is her in her car. So offbeat. And I was so, like, I knew she was going to be so embarrassed that I didn't even tell her. And every time I see her, I'm like. Hey, you like Maroon 5?
Starting point is 00:30:25 Hey, you like Maroon 5? Hey, you like Wiz Khalifa? Most Irrational Fear, Jimmy Thang 12. That Johnson and Joey Molinero will stop working out and blacking out. That's so stupid. You been in the gym? Yeah, just working out and blacking out. Oh, God.
Starting point is 00:30:47 All right, let's go viral. Vi-vi-vi-vi-viral. Vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi-vi I dated a person who I sort of got one time I dated this girl and she was she honestly was it was like I was on an episode of boiling points every single time like she hums like if it like that's it that's like the one thing I was just like damn dude
Starting point is 00:31:19 you hum like if it was quiet for a little bit she'd be like and I'd be like what? She always pronounced all the words wrong. I like a running list in my phone. She's like queen of dropping the L in both.
Starting point is 00:31:40 She'd be like yeah both and I'd be like oh. Hashtag the secret to staying young. We're gonna die young. Don't hang around old people, bro. Oh my God. If I'm around older people for like 20 minutes, I walk old. What happens when people turn 60 years old, they just think that their house is going to blow up at all times when they're not there. That's an old person, irrational fear. Every
Starting point is 00:32:12 time my dad leaves his house, he's like everything unplugged in the whole entire place. All right, I'm going to go to Starbucks. Like, dude, you're not leaving for 17 years. You're getting an iced Americano. All right. Like, when he leaves and I'm about to leave the house, I swear to God, he parks somewhere in the neighborhood, watches me leave, comes back to the house, unplugs everything, and then leaves to do what he has to do. He's like, make sure you unplug the stove when you leave. I'm like, what?
Starting point is 00:32:41 unplug the stove when you leave. I'm like, what? When guys leave a house, they act like they're going to leave for literally a decade. They're really just going to get the mail. Let's do days. Tuesday. National Kiss a ginger day Red haired people growing up
Starting point is 00:33:12 Were just like a menace to society And now they're like the most attractive people of all time And it's not even red hair People with red hair it's orange Like what are we missing there Red hair I'm like it's orange And when I was a kid I was like why are we missing there red hair i'm like it's orange and when i
Starting point is 00:33:25 was a kid i was like why are they calling it red i was so confused national curried chicken day chicken's a conspiracy theory for me there is so much chicken where is it coming from you know how many chickens there has to be every Every time I see a bunch of chickens, it's always just like eight. Bro, the amount of chicken we consume as a country, where are they? I've never seen more than like 30 chickens. I always see eight chickens in like some weird fence. I'm like, oh. Food industries are so dirty.
Starting point is 00:34:03 They'll do anything to like scrape and like I swear they're cloning chicken never been more passionate about anything than chicken clones there's no way there's that many chickens in this god damn world national pharmacist day ew I hate how pharmacists, like, know all your problems.
Starting point is 00:34:31 That's the same with, like, gas station clerks, too. You know, if you, like, go to the same gas station a lot, they, like, know what you're into. You ever had a gas station clerk be like, same old? That's when you know you got a problem. Ew, man. be like same old that's when you know you got a problem ew man one time i i like was so hungry and nothing was open so i went in this gas station by my house the marathon but i always go in there and buy like a million granola bars and shit like that because i'm like what else am i gonna buy at a gas station honestly and i went to ring it out and the cashier was like very low carb diet and I was like oh my god I bought it all ate one thing and threw the rest in the trash dude I tried to give all the shit to a homeless person they're like I'm good I'm like what did I just buy that a homeless lady
Starting point is 00:35:19 doesn't like it was like two packs of pop tarts and the homeless lady was like no I was like two packs of Pop-Tarts. And the homeless lady was like, no. I was like, what? Rather have a beer. Wednesday. National Sticker Day. Hey, speaking of that, this was a surprise, actually, when people bought merch. I was like, hey, if you order before midnight, you get a surprise. Everybody's getting stickers. And I cannot wait. I ordered them today they're gonna be hype when you're a kid stickers remember uh the scratch and sniff joints I still scratch every sticker I come across and be like
Starting point is 00:35:56 just don't make them like they used to when a girl had scratch and sniffs, I was like, let me smell your binder. She's like, okay, thought you just wanted my homework. I was such an animal when I was a kid. I can vividly remember this person sitting up from their chair in kindergarten and walking away and me crawling over to the chair and smelling the shit out of it. I couldn't have been the only one i swear straight plastic school chair i was like and i tried to play it off like i didn't do it like i like i like kind of looked up and looked away and i was like all right yeah what are you guys playing over here the teacher's probably like Call his mom
Starting point is 00:36:46 What did Benny do at school He was just sniffing chairs Everybody sat in That's so weird dude That's the most animal I've ever been in my life Everybody did that right Just had recess Just had Just had shapes Everybody did that, right? Just had recess.
Starting point is 00:37:09 Just had shapes. Like, what do you learn when you're in kindergarten? Just had alphabet class. Ah! Okay. National dress-up your pet day. I used to think that was so crazy it just depends on your pet honestly you know cats fucking hate that dude if you dress up your cat you know that cat's gonna kill you one day fact but if it's like a cute like curly dog and it has like a vest on i'm like
Starting point is 00:37:40 guess you stole my girl dogs constantly stealing girls and they don't even care about it dogs effortlessly stealing your girlfriends every minute like if a dog has a turtleneck on i'm like all right dude a guy in a turtleneck and a dog in a turtleneck who you picking 10 out of 10 times a dog. When guys were turtlenecks, I'm like, or a sweater. Have you seen a dog's chest in a sweater? It's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. That pumped up, puffed out chest. They're just standing there. They got the best posture ever. Have you been bench pressing when I leave? Guys, boobs and sweaters. I'm like, oh, dog's boobs and sweaters. Come here. You deserve my girl.
Starting point is 00:38:41 National Fig Newton Day, Saturday, National Fig Newton Day. Saturday, National Fig Newton Day. Something about fig newtons that I could eat 85 of them and not bat an eye. Why do I kind of think it's healthy, but it's absolutely not? Dude, have you ever had just like a stack of fig newtons in your hand? You feel valuable. You could like go to a grocery store and be like, I don't have any money, but I have seven Fig Newtons They'd be like go ahead
Starting point is 00:39:07 We'll take care of it this time Then you walk away and they're like give me the fucking Fig Newtons though Oh oh oh Alright that's shot 141 What Remember to follow On Twitter Instagram
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Starting point is 00:39:44 Ting Eh And they'll understand But yeah Merch is coming It's an espresso ting Just tell them if they're like what are you listening to Just be like it's an espresso ting And they'll understand But yeah merch is coming If you got any questions about it or anything Hit me up But okay I'll talk to you guys next week Bye fam Outro Music

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