Espresso - KFC Mashed Potatoes (what do you want rubbed on your back?) | Espresso Pod 439

Episode Date: October 1, 2026

Pouring a venty cup of pumpkin cold foam on your back while a Mitsubishi Eclipse runs over your shoulder blades is actually exactly what I need right now. wHaT dO yOu wAnT mE tO dO tO yOu Put Texas Roadhouse cinnamon butter on my traps and hit me in the back with a tube sock full of marbles. Stop acting like sitting on a warm cookie wouldn't be the best feeling in the gd world. Love you fam 🫦 see ya for the livestream on sundeeeee-------------------------------------------------Send this to your homies to support the pod!https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ☕️FOLLOW ON IG https://www.instagram.com/espressobenny/💕 WATCH BENNY on FBOY & FGIRL ISLAND on HBO MAX🧢 "𝗕𝗔𝗟𝗗"𝗮𝘁 𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗰𝗸𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝟱𝟬% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/-------------------------------------------------

Ben, bro, I need that fucking Texas Roadhouse cinnamon butter rubbed all up and down my back. I need it covering everything from my trapezoids, my fucking rhomboids, the parallelograms, the laterals, the old... Well, I was blown away. What can I say? It all seem to make sense. You've taken away everything, and I can't do. Oh, those things are on. Oh, my God.

I mean, who knows when this thing's on? Expresso podcast shot 439. I'm your girlfriend, Benny, who wakes up at 4.28 a.m. every morning and stares at the wall for four minutes. Hey, watch me on F Boy Island and F Girl Island on HBO Max. Wait, did the Washington Post hail F Boy Island as deliciously twisty? And did Time called a compelling and clever masterpiece with smart execution?

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Can we get to the question? For the love of God, can we get to the question? Enough announcement. Espresso cook, question of the week. Um, this is my favorite question ever. It's always these kind of questions that just, hey, they literally scratched my brain in the right place.

What do you want rubbed on your back? Like, can we just be real here? Can we just, all jokes aside, all clever little quippy answers aside, when it comes down to it, it's been a long day. You know what? You know what it is? It's Wednesday night.

It's 9.45 p.m. You hit a good three workouts already this week. Your day has just been a scream to the finish line. The whole day. From when you wake up at 4.28 a.m. and stare at the wall for four minutes till 9 p.m. at night, it's... The whole time.

And you come home. It's over. Pressure's off. But what are you rubbing on? If you could rub anything on your back. What'll it be, babe? Huh? For me?

Just run down to Starbucks for me. Okay. What do you want? Can you get me a venty, cup of pumpkin cold foam. Okay. Yeah, and bring it right on up to my apartment. Pop the lid off like a grenade key.

And throw it at my back. Rub it in too. I want you to get this part of your palm. You know what I mean? Where your thumb is, just, oh, hurt me. I want pumpkin cold. cold foam coming out of my pores for the next six months.

Oh, you thought, you thought Halloween was over? There's still cold foam coming out of my pores in July. Eh. That's what I want, rubbed on my back. Put some muscle in there too. I like pumpkin cold foam. I like, you still like it, but not anymore. Well, guess what?

Venty. Pumpkin, cold thumb. No coffee. Did I say I wanted coffee? What do you want? Rubbed on your back. A huge plastic bowl. I'm talking the fridge bowl.

You know what I'm talking about? It's like a weird color. It's always a weird color. It's never like a standard color bowl in your fridge. Plastic fridge bowl filled with pudding. Glop it on my back. Cold. Can't tell me that when.

be the best feeling. Oh. Mm-hmm. And just leave me there. Leave me there for so long that crows fly in my apartment and start eating the pudding off my back. What do you want rubbed on your back? Check that.

I want a lot of things rubbed on my back. This one's a little different, though. I want to lay in the middle of the street and I want a Mitsubishi eclipse to just right over it. Shoulder blade area. I want tire marks on my back. A Mitsubishi Eclipse only weighs about 75 pounds. If you park a Mitsubishi Eclipse, you can get one of your boys and pick it up like deadlift it and like, you could move it to like a gas station parking lot and no one would know.

Oh wait, I didn't know I parked there. Eclipse. Right over my back. That's what I want on my back. Mm-hmm. Oh, honey, you've had a long day at work. So weird. There's a randomly a Mitsubishi eclipse parked outside.

Hmm. What's that for? Just give me a second, honey. Just plops down in the middle of the street. Punch it, babe. Oh, that's what I want. Is he going to, let us answer? Is he just going to keep going about things he once rubbed on his back? Like,

he's selfish. I'm going to keep going. Okay, Ash. What do I want rubbed on my back? KFC mashed potatoes. Uh-huh. In that big cup. Yeah. God, that big cup of KFC mashed potato. You imagine putting a straw on that? A pipe. KFC mashed potatoes just on my back. And then what? You know, while I'm down there, do a cannonball on me and spread it out with your dumper. Knees up. Let's go.

Pour some gravy on top, too. Room temp. Rub it in, Colonel. Hey, Colonel. Use your thumbs, won't you? Or I want rubbed on my back? Chunky soup. Pop the top.

You know, I want who to rub it on. on there, Donovan McNabb. Pop it. Pour it on. I want that soup on my back for so long. After a couple weeks, there's still those little mini carrots stuck to my skin. Wait, is that a buckle one of his chin straps?

And rubbed chuggy soup on his back? This is why my son can't listen to this podcast. Oh, literally ridiculous. Is he ever going to stop talking about what he once rubbed on his back. I want to answer. He's like not letting me answer. You know what?

You know, last one. I want to walk into Home Depot. I want to lay on the paint counter and I just want you to pour some primer on that thing. Yeah. I actually spit on it first. Then elbow drop me.

That's what I want rubbed on my back. Not that I've thought about that or anything, but two years. A dry lufa or like one of those gloves that people use to wash their cars with, like the microfiber ones. Oh, Lord, have mercy. You know, extra strings on them.

I love your brain. Mm-hmm. Dry lufa. And you know, you're right, you're right. It doesn't always have to be all smooth. and cold and thick. Scratch me up a little bit, you know? You got a grill brush laying around?

Make me bleed! Not enough people want to bleed. They're scared. Make me bleed. Oh yeah? Make me bleed. Make me bleed. All talk.

Make me bleed. Not going hard enough if I'm not bleeding, babe. Sorry. Rethink it. Guess and check. If it's not bleeding, you ain't doing your job. Scratch it up. Paint scraper.

All across the top, too. That's all I want. Oh, man. I found the people. I found my people. Yep. I didn't know how this question was going to go. I thought people,

what, like, like, what is this even like, what? Like, is this a joke? No. You hear the detail? A tube sock filled with marbles. Or uncooked rice. Wait, wait, wait, what is it last one?

A tube sock filled with marbles. Or uncooked rice. Uncooked rice. You could hear it in her voice. A tube sock with marbles. just wail on me. Please, God, give it all you got. Give it all.

A, don't hold back. Can somebody just not hold back for once? Everybody holds back. So, hey, don't hold back. Almost kill me. That's how I want everything done. Where's the line? It's before I almost die.

Like, if I'm dead, like, you did your job, honestly. But if I'm not dead yet, like, It's a perfect place to be. Almost dead? You get a promotion, babe. A tube sock filled with marbles. Just... Just David and Goliath my back.

Uncooked rice wouldn't be bad. A whole floor of uncooked rice and you're just rolling on it? Yeah, you just slide from one corner of the room to the other corner on a floor of uncooked rice. Man. Beautiful.

So the thing I want rub it on my back, without thinking A1 steak sauce, the original, and I think it's like hearty and thick. I think that's what it's called. But just mix those two together, just lather it on my back. And then like, I don't know, let me like put my finger on my back somehow, lick it off and just like eat it and suck it and shit. Like that would be so wet. Dude, this is just literally me. This is me after one beer. I'm dead serious.

This is exactly how I sound after one beer. So the thing I want is about thinking A1 steak sauce, the original, and I think it's like hearty and set. I think that's what it's called. But just mix those two together, just blather it on my back and then like, like put my finger on my back. but now, lick it off and just like eat it and suck it and shit. Like that would be so lit. That doesn't get any better in this, yeah. Found the people I want to spend the rest of my life with.

They all called in. Eat it and suck it and shit. Dude, A1 steak sauce. Gotta be number one underrated condiment. Nobody's talking about it. And it's just, it's the best thing. You ever had a steak burger? Remember the first time that you're like, oh, a steak burger?

What's that? And you actually put A1 sauce on that? Can I just be the guy that says A1 steak sauce is better than steak? It's the reason we're eating steak. I've had them all. I'd rather drink A1 steak sauce than take one bite of steak. Hardian. Who's not drinking that?

A1 steak sauce. when you open a fridge and in the fridge door is A1 steak sauce, you're like, I am right where I need to be in life. There is no better feeling. And it's like full. I love how you can't see in the bottle. It's like a sexy little surprise. I'm like, how much is it in here?

And why is this bottle literally indestructible? A1 steak sauce bottle. Off the top of the Empire State Building hits the ground just like new. Indestructible You know what? Poor cold A1 steak sauce All over my back And just hit me in the back

With the bottle Until your arm breaks off Where Where are you tonight Why did you leave me here all alone I searched the world over And I thought I found you love You made another

You was gone It's getting better and better How much better can it get? We'll see See you next week Benbro I need that fucking Texas Roadhouse Cinnamon butter rubbed all up and down my back

I need it covering everything From my trapezoids My fucking rhomboids The parallelograms, the laterals the old longitudes, every fucking muscle, piece of fat skin bone, all up and down my back. Rub that shit in like it's massage oil.

Ha ha ha. Fuck. Bye-bye. Real one. That cinnamon butter? What the hell? Give me a cup of that. Don't you just want to see where that comes from in the back?

Like, can we take a field trip? to Texas Roadhouse. I want to see the back of house. I want to see the Cambrough holding the Texas Roadhouse cinnamon butter. That may be like, I don't know.

I feel like that's in a room with all the lasers around it. You know, and like a, like a, you're trying to steal, they're trying to steal something in a movie and there's a diamond in the middle of room, there's all those lasers, bro. That's Texas Roadhouse, back of house. You enter a code.

Doors open, room full of lasers. In the middle, Cambrough of Texas Roadhouse cinnamon butter. Dun-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-l. Your mission, if you choose to accept, it's the fattest mission you've ever heard. You must get your fat ass through all of these lasers and steal the Texas Roadhouse cinnamon butter. Dan it! Dun!

Dan it! Your love handle hits the laser the first one. Woo! Too fat. Nice try. It just detects your breath, your fat breath. Get shot in the head immediately. Why does everyone have to die?

This is such a violent podcast. Why are you so violent? Because every day after school, my whole entire life, I played Grand Theftado and killed 400,000 people. That's why it's so violent. I'm sorry. Then I went to football practice and just tried to give people concussions the whole day. Then I came home and listened to Lil White until I fell asleep.

Hit my Ties, minds. Would you beat them to the flow in the club? I show will. 13. Hey, Siri, can an adult male who's 6'1 wearing the right shoes OD on eating too many twicks and snickers? Oh shit, this thing's on? What's up, Benny? You certified play a pimp. Very, very cool having Coach P dropping knowledge on the live stream, major cool. But to get to the quick, quick question of the week, what would you like to have rubbed on your back? I'm thinking at the pool, pool party,

and all of a sudden the icy bear in an icy bear mascot costume comes out dumping just icies over everybody. That'd be very cool, very refreshing, very whimsical in my mind. Anyways, slap my ass with a pint of Cherry Garcia because no one's buying that. Who's buying this?

You're right. You're fine I ever wanted. That's like literally. I think that's what heaven is right there. You're all I ever need it. Yeah. You hear this song? So tell me what to do now.

You're sitting outside at a pool. Never been more like, it's just the greatest group. Think of your home, like your A1 group of guys. Like if you could pick anybody. And they don't have like, they're not married.

They don't have like any commitment. They're just like, we're hanging out today. A1 group of dudes around a pool outside. You just hear, You're all I ever wanted. You're all I ever needed. Yeah.

And walking through the fence comes the icy bear. But he's like snowboarding. And there's no snow. Snowboards up to all the homines. He's just dumping icies on their heads, on their backs. Aha! Aha! Aha!

Why is everyone so sticky? Your neighbor. That's heaven right there. You're all I ever want. You're all I ever need it. Yeah. So dump an icy on my back now. Because I love the icy bear.

Oh, sticky back. It's what I want to be known as Wait, hold on What's his nickname? It's like sticky bag But why? Because one time like at this party he had It was just like six guys

Chilling around a pool And the icy bear pulled up And dumped ice he's all over everybody's back For the rest of their lives They were known as the sticky backs Oh, okay, still doesn't make sense. Bye What up?

So what? I would like rub down my back is in strong Asian man's hands. Yeah. And not a woman's because they don't go as hard as the men too. You know ball. And I would love some tiger bomb included on that rub. But real talk, I have chronic back problems. And I literally get a massage once to twice a week at the mall for 20 minutes.

And when I go there, I specifically ask for the Asian men. You know how some of these football players and guys like the woman, get the little rubbing tugs. No, thanks. But when I go there, I say back, hard, rough, no time for sucky-sucky. Key words. Just get the knots out of my back because I am dying. After 30, I need a massage pretty much every freaking day. That's why we love them

Nose ball How can you get addicted to go to massage parlors? How do you get addicted to go to massage parlors and it's not even a guy named Chris rubbing his hands on you?

What's the point? Happy ending. I just hope it never ends. Oh, geez, right? That's what I want. I want to massage and I just want to go in there and where's the strongest guy? Where's the strongest guy and does he have a Mitsubishi eclipse? I will lay down in the parking lot.

We don't have to do it in here. Oh, true. I want a massage just by somebody. Actually, I just want somebody to hang me from the ceiling. Like the meat in Rocky. Hang me by my feet and just punch the hell out of me. So that's it. That's my.

Do you want a massage? That's what I want. Wait. You've had like a rough week. Do you want a massage or something? Yeah, babe. Get the chains. Grab my feet.

Hoax you to the ceiling. You're disgusting. Sorry. It's what I want. What do you want me to do with you? By the end of this, I want your knuckles to be bleeding?

Is that sexy? Every fantasy I have just ends in violence. Um, well, let's see. Could you hog tie me? Hmm. What's your fantasy?

What do you want me to do with you? Hog tie me. Uh, lather me in cinnamon butter. Is that cool? Uh, hang me from the ceiling from my feet. Yeah.

And then just punch me in the back like your, Sylvester Stallone for, I don't know, three and a half hours. Okay. I love you. It's two days. Thursday. Pumpkin spice day, baby.

Pumpkin spice day. It's been pumpkin spice day for two months already. It's just the best thing I've ever had my life. Pumpkin spice latte. Nothing, it's crazy that nothing makes me happier than that. Like, like, things make me happy, but honestly, nothing's ever, like, clicked in my head, like, oh, this is the happiest I've ever been. Right when I take a sip of a pumpkin spice latte. Oh my, oh, wait, okay.

All right, this is the happiest I've ever been. It has to be, it's a drug, right? But, like, it can't be that much of a drug. Takes one sip of a pumpkin spice latte. Back on my bullshit. So good. So what your, this is what your boys throwing down at Starbucks. Me every time.

Hey, can I get a venty pumpkin spice latte hot? And then they write my name on the cup and I'm like, oh, God, are they listening to me or not? Are they listening to me or not? Are they listening to me? The internal panic ordering at Starbucks. I'm like, they think I'm a bitch. They think I'm a bitch. Pumpkin spice latte hot. No whip. Just two pumps instead of four and non-fat milk. I'm like, oh my God. Could I be any more of a diva? Hey, just letting you know, I'm a fat ass, but like, just not today.

I wonder what they real. What do those baristas really think so far? Don't even get me started on the iced pumpkin spice latte with whip? Oh my God, yo. Four seconds, it's gone. Four seconds and it's gone. Takes four seconds, man. literally if you don't drink an iced pumpkin spice latte in four seconds i don't even know what happens

gone homemade cookie day you really got to be a craftsman to nail a batch of homemade cookies you got to be a blacksmith and you got to be watching you got to be setting timers you can't you can't make cookies and go off and do your thing and then come back and expect it how many times have i had rock hard cookies and just been like like, I guess. That's on me, my bad. Every time I think of cookies in the oven, I think about that time.

Me and my mom, I think it was my first memory of all time. Me and my mom, okay, I was just at home kindergarten. We had half days in kindergarten. So I had the whole morning with my mom. Then I went to school. Then I came home.

But before school, we made cookies. My mom was watching TV on one of those little kitchen TVs. You know what I mean? The screen was literally. the size of your phone. Watching Regis and Kelly on that bit. Making cookies. What a life.

Before school? Making cookies watching TV before school? Who is this guy? Anyway, fresh batch. Right out of the oven. I get one right off the pan. Gonna be the best day of my life.

Put it on this stool. That's just my height. Boom. My mom straight up sits on this cookie. And that might have been the best feeling for her in her life. Can you imagine sitting on a warm cookie fresh out of the oven? You're like disgusting. Friday, Smarties Day.

The last candy I ever ate in my like Halloween bag. Smarties? Who? Who? Who? Show me the guy eating Smarties. There's not one. Smarties?

World War II candy? Smarties. Newsboy candy. Extra. Extra. Read on. Smarties. You eat one smartie.

You turn into a paper boy from 1951. Saturday, boyfriend day. All right. Okay. Yeah. All right. Who's the girl that made the days of the week boyfriend day? There's not a day in the whole entire year that it's boyfriend day.

Even your birthday. Not your birthday if you have a girlfriend. Her birthday now. Oh, happy birthday. What's your girlfriend doing on your birthday? It's crazy that girls have two birthdays. Oh, well, my birthday and my boyfriend's birthday, both my days. Oh, in literally every holiday, too.

My days. And then on every weekend, my birthday too. Oh, it's Sunday, our day, which means, my day. Sunday, you mean my day? Girls have four birthdays a week? Hmm. Girls have four. Dude, do girls just think their whole life is birthdays?

Girls have a birthday every week. week for sure. What are we doing today? Oh my god. Do they just think they have birthdays every week? How about how guys are to complete opposite? Oh, please dear God, nothing. I don't want to do anything. I want nothing on my birthday. It was my dad's birthday this past Sunday. He goes, yep, I don't celebrate till it's 12-01 right when it's over. I love guys. Oh, guys can give a shit. Don't even mention it. Oh,

there's got, what's the science there? Guys could care. Oh my God. It's my birthday. Don't even want to know. Don't want to know. Guys just want like lucky stuff to happen on their birthday.

Like maybe, uh, maybe I get like three green lights in a row. That's fine. Girls are like, um, we're waking up at seven. am.

Hope your clothes are picked out. Actually, I'll pick your clothes out for you. Send me pictures. Sunday. National cinnamon bun day. There we go. Another one.

Yep. Line my back with cinnamon buns. Every square inch of my back covered in a cinnamon bun. And then I want you to get a big rolling pin and just mm-hmm.

Tilling. melted into the ground. That's it. That's the podcast. Coach P. Quote of the week. Hey, man, listen. Hey, bring it in. Hats off, take a knee.

Eyes on me. Eyes on me, man. Hey, scoop, scoop, scoop. Scoop. Bring it in. Bring it in tight. Scoop. Hey, if you don't remember anything I say this whole year,

this whole season, remember this. Consistency. We talk a lot about consistency. It may look like nothing's happening, all right? Do the same thing every day. Eat the same thing every day. You're putting in the work every day.

Looks like nothing's happening, right? Hey! Schultz, right? Looks like nothing's happening, right? Hey, Adams, looks like nothing's happening, right? Looks like nothing, because you're doing the same thing. You're on the same grind. Looks like nothing happening.

Looks like nothing's happening. Till everything changes, man. Let's go bring it up on three. Bring it up on three. Oh, this thing's on. Sorry, I got the chills four times. Looks like nothing's happening till everything changes, huh?

How about that? How about that? Can you even imagine living a life where you just eat something completely different every day? Hey, that's what girls do. Hate to say it, but they do. And you're talking to a guy who's had ground turkey every meal for the past two and a half years.

All right, fam. Hey, keep that in mind, all right? Nothing changes. If nothing changes. Love you, fam. Mean it. Talk to you on Sunday, live stream. Remember to listen to these guys

get a homie to join the Patreon only if they're completely insane and I'll talk to you next week bye