Espresso - lies that your parents told you

Episode Date: November 30, 2023

on this ep benny reacts to the lies that your parents told you when you were young (like your house being paid for by drug money)🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡𝗡𝗬'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦 Indianapolis, IN 12/21 https://indianapolis.heliumcomedy.com/shows/243939🌴 WATCH BENNY ON FBOY ISLAND SEASON 3 STREAMING ON THE CW🧢 "𝗙𝗕𝗢𝗬" 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝟮𝟱% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/👀 𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://youtu.be/xxQ75QbyHHY

My dad, according to him, we had like this word quota where we could only say so many words in a month. And if we met our quota before the end of the month, we wouldn't be able to talk anymore. So if we were in danger or something, we couldn't say anything. And so if we were talking too much or getting on his nerves, he'd be like, you guys are getting pretty close to your word quota. And fearfully, we would all like shut up for hours. What up, fam? He's still sick. It's Espresso Podcast shot 291. I'm your aunt who's mad and disappointed because your nephew is a hundred percent nef boy. Hey, Aunt Jill.

But what up, yo? Let's talk. Can we talk? But first remember, hey, all merch, 25% off at benedictmerch.com. Use code FBOY at checkout. Remember to watch FBOY Island on the CW every Friday at 9 o'clock p.m. If you have cable and then if you don't have cable, stream it the next day on the CW app for free. What else? Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. Upcoming shows. Been waiting to say this probably. Yeah. My whole life. Indianapolis, Indiana, December 21st at Helium Comedy Club. I'm headlining. I've been telling you guys, hold on. I'll have like a big

show. Just hold on. Cause everybody's like, Oh, come to your shows. And I'm like, hell yeah. I love you. But just like, let me, let me get a good one. Let me, cause I do a lot of shows around town and they're like, ah, they're good, but they're December 21st. Helium Comedy Club, Indianapolis tickets in the description of the podcast and on benedictpolizzi.com. Grab them, babe. It's going to be so fucking sentimental. You can get a sentimental feeling on December 21st at Helium Comedy Club. Grab your ticks. Y'all, I'm excited. It's going to be so much fun. Oh my God. We got stuff to talk about, but first, hey, first, and remember, hey, every other

espresso podcast is on Patreon. Sorry. If you're like, where's every other podcast? They're all on Patreon for $5. You got to, you got to support the kiss club club you know what i mean you gotta support your girl benny get in the kiss club we get a live stream every sunday night and every other espresso episode so it's a good deal it's a good deal five dollars that's it five dollars a month that's fire dude last live stream insane i was doing parkour just saying that's what you're that's what you're missing out on if you're not part of the kids club and every other podcast, you got to join. You got to join. Let's get to the espresso question of the week. I love this one. I think we've done it one time before. Maybe not. I don't know. What's the lie your parents told you growing up that you're like, one of

those motherfuckers, huh? Uh, that's a good one. Dude, for me, my dad told me he was allergic to dogs. My mom told me she was allergic to cats, so we couldn't have any pets. And everybody's like, that's sad. Good plan though. Like that's, that's solid. Like, dude, that's the most communication my mom and dad ever had. That's probably the only, I've, I've, I never even saw my parents talk, almost started crying. And's probably the only, I've, I've, I never even saw my parents talk. I almost started crying. And that's the plan they came up with. Dude, they, they said six words to each other. Tell them we're allergic to animals. That's it. And then never talked again. What a perfect relationship. Six words, six. Just six. Bro. Never once did we ask for an animal.

Ever. Dude, the closest thing I had to a pet grown up was the fly I trapped in a window on a summer day. Sometimes there'd be like three or four in there. I'd be like, what's fucking, they're having a party, yo. Free ass animals. Free animals, free pets, dude. They're right there in your window. My mom would literally say that. You want a pet? Close the window. Cage match, fight. I swear to God, dude. The only pet, actually, the only pet we ever had was when like a stray dog would wander in our yard. We'd be like, oh, whoa, whoa we'd be like oh what should we name it what should we name it his name is james his name's james let's teach him tricks like we were like ready we were so ready for a pet i was like grab a tennis ball where's the tennis ball they're in the garage you know where they are they're in the basket

my mom was a tennis instructor so we just had tennis balls on deck grab the ball let's go he might leave if he smells like steak on the grill, he might leave. Get the tennis ball. We'd be teaching him shit, throwing him the ball. He'd like be scared of the ball. He'd be like, ah, shit. Now what do we do? Wasn't even our dog, bro. Wasn't even our dog. He's in our house. We're like giving him a bath, kissing him on the face, giving him milk bones and shit as our neighbor walks by our neighbor walks by that's my fucking dog you guys see him every day whoops that's how bad we wanted a pet but no man we just played with the neighbor's pets and shit like my neighbor had a big ass bunny i was like yo you can do that

isn't that like on some bald Eagle shit? Like you can't mess with just bunnies. My, my neighbor had a bunny. His name was Robert red eyes. I was like, is it evil or do I love it? Bro would hop its fat ass over in our yard. Robert a bunny. I think if I could have an aunt, if I could go back, bro, you can't have a cat because your mom's allergic. Can't have a dog because I'm allergic. My dad says that I'm like bunny. How about that? Huh? Give me a bunny then. Bunny's got to be the cutest goddamn thing I've ever seen. A bunny. I don't care. Oh my god, you're 33 and you're calling that a bunny? It's a rabbit. Shut up. It'll always be a bunny to me.

It'll always be a bunny. You ever just see a bunny? How magical is that moment? It's one of those. Oh my god, shh. I don't care what's going on, dude. The Super Bowl could be on. Game winning drive. Everybody shut up!

What? There's a bunny in the yard. Everybody goes up to the window. Oh my God, what should we name it? Every time, what should we name it? And if you're not clicking, if you don't have a name right then and there, ready to go,

that bunny might just fucking hop off. Bro, when you see a bunny in your yard. Oh my God. It's so round. It's so aware. You've never seen anything more alert in your life than a bunny in your yard. Bro, I could drop a pen on the floor on carpet and the bunny would be like, you're like, oh my God, don't fucking move. Don't do shit. Don't do anything.

There's a bunny in our yard. I would stand still for 25 minutes. Oh my God. stand still for 25 minutes. Oh my God. I'm drooling and shit. I'm shaking and seizing. It's amazing. But yeah, never had a pet. Also, I thought of another lie. My parents told me the other day, I thought about this on the live stream. This is when shit was going crazy on the live stream last Sunday, joined Patreon $5 a month. And I'm serious about that. It's not just like a scam, dude. I want your money. Nah, like we, we go in. I released a new merch on there and dude, we got new merch. Nobody knew. Nobody knew. Whoops. Nobody knew except for Patreon perks, babe perks, kiss club. The other line my parents told me, dude,

when my dad told me, because on road trips, we used to play bop it. Spin it. Pull it. Bop it. You know what I'm talking about. Like the most annoying, but like, let me try that game ever. We played on road trips on the way to Michigan

because I went to michigan every goddamn minute because my family lived up lived up there and for some reason we were always just like let's go because i don't think we like i don't know dude maybe i wasn't like hanging out with my i didn't really hang out with my friends like that my parents were just like let's go hang out let's go to michigan all right so being in the car playing Bop It, so annoying. But for some reason, my, my dad was just sticking through it. And he goes, Hey, after you win, a prize comes out, a treat. He said, a treat comes out of like the Bop It thing. Like, like the K, like the purple part comes out. I, and I was like, oh, I bet it's a mini Twix.

That's what I thought. So I went in. As hard as I've ever worked for anything in my life, I beat Bop It. Nothing happened. Nothing! Zero things happened. There was no, ah! You won!

Congratulations! Congratulations! You beat Bop it nothing happened you just start again from zero i was like no bro we played bop it that was my whole life growing up was just playing bop it at one point my mom hated the the sound so You know, when you like walk by a kid and he's playing a game on an iPad and you're like, God damn, that's annoying. Turn that shit off. Or like any phone makes a sound. You're like, Oh, that's how I am. Anyway, any noise on a phone? I'm like, are you serious? Turn it off. Are you seven? turn it off. Are you seven? A kid on an airplane. He like was on an iPad and it was loud. And I was like, Oh my God, this is going to be the whole flight. And the stewardess came by and was like,

no noise. I was like, Oh, I love you. My mom got so mad at the bop. It sounds that we had to play. We had to tape styrofoam around the speaker on the bop it. So if you, if you walk to that crazy, like if you walked in my house, you'd see a bop it on the ground with styrofoam around it. And the people are probably like, what the fuck? And it's too loud, bro. My mom will like literally blow our heads off. will like literally blow our heads off. Bop it. I'll fucking bop it. A bop it with styrofoam around it is, I don't know, thinking about it. It's crazy. But at the same time, I'm like, no, I get it. Same mom that couldn't sleep with any lights on either crazy the the alarm clock light had to be covered up i was like that keeps you up all right anyway anyway yo let's let's hear

yours what was the biggest lie your parents ever told you this is gonna be insane dude get ready because these are gonna be bad the biggest lie my parents ever told you this is gonna be insane dude get ready because these are gonna be bad the biggest lie my parents ever told me was that my mom could read our poems and tell if we were lying i grew up with four sisters so we argued and fought a lot and whenever like that happened she would have us line up in a line in our living room and look at our poems and basically would tell us that like she knew he was lying that. And then someone would end up saying like, oh yeah, it was me. So then for like the first 10 years of our lives, we all believed that our mom could like read our poems and tell us we were lying.

How could she keep a straight face? Dude, you thought your mom was a god. Imagine... Oh no, that's the biggest... Hold on, hold on your mom was a god. Imagine, oh no, that's the biggest fight. Hold on, hold on. That was quick. The biggest lie my parents ever told me was that I grew up with four sisters, so we argued and fought a lot.

And whenever that happened, she would have us line up in our living room and look at our palms and basically would tell us that she knew who was lying and that, and then someone would end up like, oh yeah, it was me. So then for like the first 10 years of our lives, we all believed that our mom could like read our poems and tell if we were lying. What a God. Oh no, bro. You do something stupid in your house.

Your mom just floats down from the ceiling. Give me your hand. Give me your hand. What a parenting hack. Palm reading biggest scam of all time. I almost did it too. I was in Miami and I was just like, there's a palm reading place. And I walked by it and i was like you know what dude people really but no way no it's a thing it's a thing like it's a thing like it's a thing you like study it and it's a thing it's like they did it in like egypt and it's like a thing and it's like shut up no like it's a real like there's a whole entire like you can like go to school and it's, it's a real, like, there's a whole entire, like, you can, like, go to school, and it's like, it's a thing. Shut up. Tape in your, actually, you know what?

Take the sock that you never wear that was from when you played soccer in fourth grade, put it in your mouth. If a kid is here getting a shoe, you're going to go, I get it, I'm being told. No. It's like the most vague shit ever. Read my palm. You will have good luck and bad luck in the next two weeks. I'm like, no fucking shit, dude. I had good luck and bad luck on the way here. That's so crazy to say to your kids. That's why I can't have kids, bro. that's so crazy to say to your kids that's why i can't have kids bro i used to lie like that to my friends like like when i was younger because i was like oh you motherfuckers believe anything i would i would my my kids would be like yo dad you're crazy bro oh no let's keep going so the biggest thing my mom told me was that the light in the car

was she was gonna get arrested if the car light was on yeah that she can't see at night if the car light's on it wasn't that if she got arrested was if the car light was on she couldn't see at night if the car light's on. It wasn't that if she got arrested, it was if the car light was on, she couldn't see at night. That's kind of true. I thought that was stupid, because you can see if the car light's on. The flashlight, she said the same thing about flashlights too.

It was so fucking stupid. Still mad. You can tell. A guy who's been sick for 2 000 days but that's the only way i drive dude i drive at night with the light on in the car i'm like it's too dark it's too dark i can't see on the road there's no no streetlights for some reason. Like everywhere there needs to be streetlights. There's no streetlights. I'm like, are you serious? We're on an exit ramp. There's no, I can't see the road. Like I have like, I can see like, I might not have the best vision. I don't have 69, 69, but like I can see, but sometimes i'm just like there's no street lights here

and i feel like car headlights like over the years are like not as good you ever been driving with your brights on for like four hours and you're like oh shit no wonder everything was going well let me be respectful to the other people on the road and turn them off so i'm blind again i kind of don't even care like when i'm when i'm on the highway like driving home late bright's on babe cars that like coming the other way are like flashing their shit i'm like i can't see what what do you want me to do die that's disrespectful have some respect piece of shit oh my god turns turns lights on normal mode

crashes into a fucking sign i'm like see can see anything. I know I'm not the only one, but yeah, turn. I turned that dome light on the car for sure. It's like soothing, comforting. It's like that light under your microwave that like shines on the, on the oven, you know, turn that thing on at night. Oh, I'm like, there is hope. There's hope for me. There's hope for everyone. I turn the light on underneath the microwave that shines on the stove at night. And that's the only light on in my kitchen. And I'm like, I miss my grandma. I want to turn on like a baseball game for some reason. I'm like, this is great. This is amazing. I feel comfort. I feel peace. Dude, that's like the light that like, you know, it's like the, it's like the,

the thing that keeps it's like, it's like the candle that keeps all the evil spirits out. Churches have like the, the shit burning incense or whatever that's my incense microwave light oh my god somebody could break into your house you need to get a security system cameras hey microwave light oh poor man's adt poor people adt microwave light bro yeah it works too dude if I'm trying to rob a house and the microwave lights on, I'm like, oh, they're up. They're up, dude. Skip this house. Next house. Next house. They are. They just went to bet or something. They're about to play Blurt, dude. They're about to go around the kitchen table and play blurt. If that light's

on, it's the bat signal for don't rob me. There's a hero in that house. That, that microwave light change your entire life. When you hear that beep, Oh, all the stress goes away. Oh man, you look great. Man. You've been on top of your game lately. You've been doing yoga? You've been doing therapy? No, hey.

Microwave light. Oh, wow. I should try that. Yeah. Yeah, you should. Anyway, not that I, dude, my microwave light was on for so long. The bulb burnt out. So what do you got to try to turn it on the other day? Nothing. I was like, damn it. And like, where am I going to go to find a microwave light bulb? Like that's insane. Shopping for real light bulbs gives

me anxiety. I'm like, I don't know. Like what if it's too hot? What if it's too hot for the lamp? Cause one time I bought a light bulb that was way too hot for the lamp. And every time I turned my light on, it smelled like a rallies in my room. I was like, what the fuck? Like it smelled like my room was on fire when I turned the light on so now i'm like always like uh it might be too many watts dog buying light bulbs anything i need to know yeah your house is gonna burn down tonight that's what you need to know so get the right watts how am i supposed to know the watts jesus christ man everything's so Hey, how about make one light bulb? Just one. Boom. There you go. Benjamin Franklin, bitch ass.

Just one. I don't need all these. Oh, nevermind. I'll just sit here in the dark. I got to buy a new microwave light bulb. Actually, you know what? I'll take all the demons and evil spirits. Come on. It's too hard to find this fucking thing then I gotta unscrew some weird thing under my microwave who am I Bob Vila my god yeah but the light on in the car will change your whole entire life I'm telling you just do it click it on nothing's gonna happen except for your soul will be warm

so a lie that I told my son was that when he was little that if he grows up that he grows an Adam's apple and that's where apples come from. So he can't grow up and grow an Adam's apple. Oh my God, that would kill me. You ever see somebody who has like the most pronounced Adam's apple? I'm like, oh my God. All right, Johnny Appleseed, back off the swallowing. I'm like, how many things does this guy swallow daily? This guy's just drinking a lot of water.

Guys with huge Adam's apple. It's manly. No. I wouldn't say that. I can just hear your throat from the next county. Why'd you get evicted from your apartment? Dude, I was just drinking a glass of orange juice in the morning and they fucking... Hey!

Noise violation! What do you mean? I'm just drinking my orange juice. What's that noise then? Nothing. The guy at the door's ears bleeding. Ah! Ah! Falls down.

What? Crazy, bro. How do you even do that? Old Johnny Appleseed throat. Dude can yell across the nation hey heard it in maine heard him from maine i'd say the biggest lie my parents told me was that my dad was my dad oh hell yeah my mom pregnant with me and until i was about 10 i believed he was always my dad and it didn't quite make sense because i looked not so much like my little brother and he my dad you know dad, was really tall. And I would always say, oh, I'm going to be tall just like my dad.

And they were always like, oh, no, no, you're not going to be tall. But your little brother sure is. Oh, no. So I thought it was pretty funny. I think the only reason they really didn't tell me is because my mom was kind of a whore. Isn't that the truth dude anytime there's a weird like parent situation it's like oh okay so your mom never mind it's always the answer wait wait wait so which is your mom or dad the whore oh my god if you walked into a fan like a a Christmas and no, that's my stepbrother.

Oh, that's my step. Oh, that's my dad. Once removed. But then we like, we had like a thing and he's bag and like, we're all friends now. All right. So which, who's the whore then? Oh my God. I wish.

Can we just say it? Can we just, can we just let it be now? And people that like have like, don't know i don't even know if i'd lie about that yeah that's your dad honey that's your dad talking to your daughter talking to your daughter that's like eight years old it's your dad yeah right you believe me like just fucking tell her the truth she She's going to go to school and be like, I don't know who my dad is. Whoa. Live your truth,

babe. Live your truth. So we're Polish and my mom believes in a lot of superstitions. And all my life, she told me that if I'm singing or even humming while eating, that I'm going to find a bad husband. That's fire. So now I'm forever scarred,

and I think she just respectfully didn't want me to sing because I was always singing and dancing and moving my body. So she wanted me to shut the fuck up respectfully. Man, what a great parent lie right there. That's like the golden lie. Something annoys you? Hey, you're going to get a bad husband. Shut the fuck up.

Oh, okay. That's so funny. And then you're just in public one day. She's like eating a hot dog at Costco. Like, just enjoying life. She opens her eyes, just sees her mom. Bad husband immediately shuts up. Everybody around her is like, what? Bad husband. Is she, is that little girl married?

Oh my God. She just threw her hot dog away. What, what is happening right now? Oh my God. She just threw her hot dog away. What, what is happening right now? Bad husband at the Christmas, like school party. Everybody's like, huh? How about that shit? The things that annoy parents. Oh, maybe that's the next question. What's the thing you did that just annoyed your mom to no end? But like, it's, it's kind of like odd, you know, my mom in lights, Jesus Christ, man. We could go on with that shit forever, but that is so funny. Bad, bad husband, ugly and shit. Yeah. If you don't, if you don't stop humming, ugly husband. Never. Doesn't hum for 40 years. Oh, man. That's true, though. When people hum, I'm like, shut up.

Who do you think you are? God damn, you're just a normal ass person on the elevator. Like, it's not even your birthday. Like it's April. You're just awkward. We can, we can sit here in silence. You know that, right? Not, not everything has to be a noise. Oh, bro, when people whistle. I wish we could lie like that. Now, my fucking Uber driver was whistling. Because I'm taking, my car's not in LA yet, so I'm doing like Ubers like to the stupidest,

to Party City and shit. I'm like, yo, I got to get an Uber to Party City, then Target, like back to back. Can we do, I, I got to get an Uber to party city, then target like back to back. Can we do, I know it's like crazy, but can we do it? And the settings I put on my phone are like quiet and cool. Cause for some reason, every Uber in LA, it's like 94 degrees in the car. I'm like, what the, are you trying to kill me? I'm like, I feel like I'm drunk after a party in the backseat of a car about to throw up. I'm like, it's noon. So hot. I'm like, there's no way you don't feel this too. I'm like, Hey, can you, can you make it a little cooler? Trying to be polite. One degree cooler. I'm like, dude, fucking make it 10 or drop me off. This is crazy.

I'm being a bitch right now, but, um, damn, what was I talking about? Oh, and I did quiet preferred. Cause I was like, I mean, I don't want to talk. Obviously I don't want to talk the hell. And this dude just whistled the whole time i've never i've never left a review before in my life because who cares never left a review i made sure i think i took an hour out of my day i was like this dude was literally whistling about 15 question marks one star star. No tip. Bye. Hope you get fired. That's crazy to me. Whistling? Hey, shut up.

A whistle? Who do you think you are? Whistling and humming. Can't do it. Even if it was like Christina Aguilera in the elevator with me, I'd be like, I mean, damn. I get it. Genie in a bottle, but like still real quick. I'm like, my body's saying, let's go. Put my heart in saying no, saying no, saying no say no dude was that song so good though

and can't tell that he's 33 and can't tell that he's 33 let's keep going don't ever whistle our home my mother told me that zucchini was a spice she would take it and put it through a cheese grater add it to my mac and cheese, meatballs, pretty much anything. And I hate her because to this day, I still put zucchini in half of my recipes. I wonder why. She just had a bunch of zucchini like in the garden. Fuck, we got to get rid of this. Put it on the mac and cheese.

I don't know. We got to get rid of all the zucchini. Zucchini. what a weird you thought she said it was a spice zucchini sounds like a species of monkey at the zoo there's a zucchini in the tree i'm like oh for sure wait is it a monkey or a parrot there's a zucchini right there in that tree. Look. Oh my God. Take a picture. That's the first time

I've ever seen a zucchini in here. It's a bird. Too much zucchini. Got to get rid of it somehow. Put it on the meatballs. All right. I've never once

been like, man, you know, it sounds good right now. Zucchini. What the fuck? Is it a bird, a parrot or a swimsuit? I still don't know how to spell bikini. Every time I think about it, I'm like, what? Hmm. Guess I just won't spell it. What? Hmm. Guess I just won't spell it. Wow. Just keep going.

God, I love this question because my parents were professional gaslighters. Literally anything they could lie about, they took pleasure in doing so. Like the little things like the ice cream truck only plays music when they're out of ice cream or the candy in the candy aisles and actually for sale oh and like toys and toy stores aren't actually for sale it's all just for display and all the boxes are empty so you can't buy anything there um my dad according to him we had like this word quota where um we could only say so many words in a month and if we met our quota before the end of the month we wouldn't be able to talk anymore so if we were in a danger or something we couldn't say anything and so if we were talking too much or getting on his nerves he'd be like you guys are getting pretty close to your word quota and fearfully we would all like shut up for hours what a what a move oh and then

my dad would say that cats pee in litter boxes and not outside so that their pee can be saved and later drained um from the litter to make beer uh and this one worked because literally i will never drink literally uh will never drink beer without thinking about this um and then just like dumb shit like my mom would say like oh you'll understand everything will make sense when you're older but i mean i'm a lot older and I don't understand a goddamn thing and nothing makes sense. So there's that. But probably, no. Yeah.

The biggest lie my parents told me was that they weren't getting a divorce even when my dad moved out of state for work for seven years. Oh, hell yeah. That's a great voice message. You had so many examples. Oh, my. Yeah. He's just working hard in Missouri where's that um 22 hours away from here but he's working hard it's always the kids that know too much too like you know I get why you lie about that shit but like there is that one kid that you know that his parents just told him everything straight up. Like it like the kid was 32 years old. He's in first grade.

I'm like, how does this dude know everything about drugs and stuff? Like it's crazy, bro. You know too much. It's always the kids that ride the bus. You're like, geez, you know everything. You know how to switch a title over from your mom's car to your dad's car, bro. You're eight. Yeah. I ride the bus. Oh, it makes sense. You know how to fill out a W nine,

10 years old individual sole proprietor. Yeah, circle that one. Okay. He's telling me I'm 33. Rode the bus. That's crazy. Told her that beer is just cat. Oh my, can you imagine the first time this girl drank a beer? Ugh.

Just drink a mouthful of socks is piss. Every cat's name, just four names. It's either mittens, socks, or you just call it kitty. That's it. Every cat has three names. You could go to a house and be like, is your cat's name Mittens? Oh my God, how'd you know? I'm like, I listen. Listen to the tracks, bitch. Just keep going. My mom told me that the Richard before me

was my dad. Come to find out, my dad is his arch enemy holler at me ben i don't know what any of that means but i like it for some reason it was like low-key uh it felt very it felt like some fam info only holler at me ben i wish i knew who you were bro this is this is very these are anonymous i know you're like no he can see no i can't i have no no clue i'm taking a shit at work right now i love this anyway uh uh biggest lie my parents told me that our house wasn't paid for with drug money yeah you don't hear that often house paid for by drug money and he has parents with an S? Good work. That's all I got to say.

Good work. I feel like that's usually a single parent situation. Maybe a no parent situation. On some where are they? That's a good one. Yeah, don't want to let that one leak third grade my mom bought this with drugs at recess i wish i was lying about how big of a deal it was to me but santa not being real was the biggest betrayal because when i was a child i was mortified absolutely mortified at the thought of a big bearded bellied man coming into my house and we had little christmas trees in our bedrooms too so santa would come into our bedrooms at night too so this fat stranger man

with a big old belly and beard was coming into my bedroom watching me sleep but they never told me even though i was absolutely petrified of santa that any of that was true until i found out on easter so for some reason that resonates with me as the biggest lie they have ever told me because it scared the shit out of me yeah that's weird she's like i found out on easter the easter bunny told me she's all fucked up about santa not being real but she thinks everything else is real oh man yeah no one like spoiled it for me maybe they did oh you know what happened i like i was in like third grade and i was like i just woke up one day and i was like dude santa's not real damn damn

now this was like two weeks ago i just woke what honey by your like fiance santa's not fucking real is he wow yeah i just realized in third grade and i was like damn but then i still tried to like i was like i'm gonna keep it to myself i'm not gonna i'm not gonna put this one out in the world yet because maybe there's still hope you know so i just tried to like still believe and i think it got got like like a couple months went by maybe fourth grade went by and i was like nobody's saying it still maybe maybe we're good maybe we're good maybe he is maybe he is you know maybe he is

putting all that shit on you know if you believe it's real like that's what I kept saying I might ask my mom I've been like is he fake not if you believe and I'm like oh I do believe then I think in fourth grade it got brought up do you think santa's real i was like i

do and one of my friends goes you think santa's real and i go no i'm just kidding then i turned around and i was like it was like there was a camera there and i and i looked at the camera and i go no then i go back into real life and i'm like wouldn't that be crazy if he was though you know like when they cut away from like malcolm in the middle and he looks at the camera and he's like i don't know what's going on with my brother that's me i cut away and i'm like oh no i wish it wasn't true then i go back into real life and he's been sick for too long yeah Then I go back into real life. And he's been sick for too long.

Yeah. Rough day. Rough day for me. Rough day for me. After school, like, damn it. So my parents are behind all this? Madness? Ew.

I'm like, hate christmas now sadly the biggest lie my parents ever told me was that i was a sperm donor baby and that my father was not my biological father so yeah damn don't you don't you want to meet him even more how about that just making you and dipping off to the next thing he had to do on his on his daily to-do list yeah just gave some sperm to somebody gonna have a kid but whatever hmm heard butter's on sale though i'm gonna go get some of that now doesn't even care i wouldn't really want to know I'm going to go get some of that now. Doesn't even care. I wouldn't really want to know if I did that.

Do you want to be a sperm donor? Like that whole thing is weird to me. I'm like, where do I like do it? No, that's why that would turn me off. I'm like, how do you get it? Can you like suck it out of me or something? I don't want to like do this. But how much does it pay the biggest lie my parents ever told me was when i was about nine years old my dad said he was going away for like a work trip and he was gone for

i want to see the weekend to a week and nice about six months passed by after this work trip and I was a really nosy kid and I would always go through all of his stuff like boxes just to see like what I could find and I don't know my dad was like a mystery to me sometimes so I came upon up in a cabinet top shelf. Relatable. A stack of paperwork and it turns out that work trip he went to was actually a deposition he had to sit for because he was being sued for

sexual harassment of an employee. Oh god. So that was fun. Work trip. More like I got in trouble at work trip jeez see ya never yeah

everybody's got the mystery parent you got a mystery parent what'd you find out new espresso question what was your mystery parent really doing yeah if you got girls in your family sorry mystery parent they're gonna figure it out you got all boys all right best mystery ever girls will get to the bottom of that shit in one second. Don't leave your phone out, mystery parent.

Guess what? Because both your daughters read everything you've ever said in 13 seconds. Have a good rest of your day. Hope the shower went well that you were in. Because you're fucked. it's a tough one there are so many um I think the main one that really got

to me was I was probably a sophomore in high school my brother was a senior and we were in the middle of finals and our little puppy wiener dog poncho tequila poncho um cutest little dog he's about two but he still looked like a puppy making me sad he um was sick so he was at the vet quote unquote when really my mom had put him down and just didn't want to

give my brother an excuse to get out of finals. I get it. Which I mean I'd probably do the same thing. And then there's a dark one about the death of my downer so let's not go there.

Oh damn it. we all wanted it do it you won't say the dark one oh yeah no i can't say that one no do it do it do it do it oh come on it's anonymous there's so many like we took them to the farm that's like pretty standard when you just don't want to deal with an animal anymore all right i hope this helps my name is to keep poncho pro is that not the most like scariest thing you've ever heard i'm glad it's 5 48 where I am. That was a little a little haunted. It was in the beginning of it.

It's a tough one. Is she like, is someone choking her? There are so many. Dude, that's from like a horror movie. Dude, that's from like a horror movie.

Have you ever seen a ghost before? There are so many. Was he nice to you? It's a tough one. Okay, it didn't make too much sense, you get it let's keep going before i get super scared and end this whole entire thing i got a lazy eye man and when i was a little kid i wore glasses most of my life god damn i know who this is hold on this is hilarious no no where'd that go did i delete it okay here we go i know this is this is hilarious i got a lazy eye man and when i was a little kid i wore glasses most of my life

and then um when i got to be like 14 or 15 i'm like mom i'm gonna wear a contact and she was like well you can't because you have a lazy eye bro so for from like 14 to like i was like 21 when i tried to kind of figured it out, I thought I couldn't have contacts in because I had a lazy eye. But my mom just didn't want my ass to wear contacts because it probably cost more money. So she just bullshitted me and told me that I had to wear glasses and that was it. And I'm like, I'm 20. Then I've been wearing contacts for the last 25 years. Yes. years yes this is anonymous but that's a comedian and i hope that shit once this podcast starts popping off 290 episodes in once this podcast starts popping off and people stay like yo

there's gonna be there's gonna not that these voice messages aren't already fire but like we're gonna get some people on here. Yo, that's so stupid. Nope. You can't. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. That's such a mom, cheap, cheap mom lie. You can't have contacts. What a bitch contacts are though. She might've been right, dog. You might've just listened to her and just not gone to America's best that one day. Jesus. Lazy eye. Who doesn't? Remember the first time I went to America's best contacts with my mom? I think it took seven and a half hours to put a contact in my eye.

No mirror. I was just raw dogging it. And the optometrist and my mom just watching me do this. Fuck. God damn it. I think it dropped. Hold on.

Hold on. They're like, you have to open the top too. I was like, Jesus Christ. Can I get a mirror? They were like, oh no. Learn how to do it without it and i was like geez dude we're there the entire day yeah that's why she lied to you she didn't want to have to go through that painful process of you trying to put contacts in i had so many issues with contacts over the years too. Like I'd use that contact case with like the sodium peroxide in it that would like clean your lenses like hard. You ever use that? It looks like a biochemistry tool and it's just

on your table. It's on your, it's on your bathroom sink. My friends would come over and be like, what the fuck science experiment are you doing in the bathroom? No, it's just my contact case. Huh? Bro, one time I didn't know any better. And that contact solution with the red cap, you know what I'm talking about. Contact people, bad vision people know what I'm talking about.

That red cap solution. One time I was having a contact morning. You know that weird morning where you're like, why aren't they working? Why aren't my contacts working this morning? Did something happen? Did somebody spit in my contact case last night? Why can't I see shit?

Why is it so hard for me to put them in? And I didn't know. So I just got the contact solution went like this red cap just power washed my eye with sodium peroxide i've never felt pain like that i dropped to my knees before school so it was like 5 48 a.m just in the upstairs bathroom what the fuck crazy dude how would i know my dad promised me that if i finished all my green beans every meal that it would make me run faster is that what they do with spinach yo do i still believe that is that one of those spinach makes you strong is that well it doesn't does it wow i just realized that i'm stupid i'm stupid is that some is that some i still believe in santa

shit i just figured it out spinach makes you. It's because it's so goddamn gross. Popeye. Wow. I still think that when I see spinach. I'm like, well, I mean, we're getting a little bit of strength out of this meal. Oh my God, I'm stupid. So he's dumb.

So he's stupid, huh? So he's 33 and dumb. Yeah. Like Subway would be like, do you want lettuce or spinach? And I'd be like, well, I am trying to get stronger tonight. So let's go spinach. Go extra too. Didn't work out today. Oh shit. Carrots and eyesight. What a scam. Carrots and eyesight. Right. That's what it was. Right. Or is it blueberries? Blueberries might be like official. Like you eat some blueberries, bro. You yeah. You're dialed in homie. 2020 vision, but carrots grown up, eat your carrots. You can see everything. I would go through a bag of baby

carrots. It's pretty easy to go through baby carrots though. When you didn't have any snacks in your house, I had like that. I had like the psycho pantry where the best thing we had in there was like a box of life cereal. I was like, Oh, it's not even cinnamon. This is going to be a tough week. Best thing we had life cereal and carrots. I was like, God. All right. Give me the carrots. Eight 46 carrots. Just watching sports center. Is anybody else on that? Bro. Carrots, carrots, carrots. I'm like, I'm blind as shit. This is a lie. Yo, Mythbusters, check me out.

Let's keep going. Okay, so there were two different lies. One was from my dad where he would tell us that there were wolves that lived in the shelves of supermarkets and stores in order to get us to, one, not wander away, and two, not touch anything. He would literally say like a wolf will come out and like bite you oh any of the items in the store which was really clever to be fair and then the second one was our mother me and my sister would she would tell us because we were picky about eating foods around the age of 11 and she promised us and guarantee us if we ate the certain food or we drank milk or anything

like that we would grow boobs guaranteed guaranteed boobs if you eat this item like if you don't eat these items you're gonna be flat chested for the rest of your life wow so yeah whoa i want tits just drinking so much milk she said milk with an E. I want tits! That's weird. Dude, that is so weird. Oh, no. Damn. What was the first one? Oh, wolves in the store.

That's crazy. Because that makes sense because, man, don't let my mom used to have to, Hey, you want to stay in the car? You're staying in the car when I'd go into like when she'd go into pier one, remember pier one where my pier one shorties at pier one was the OG like fancy furniture store. That was not fancy really, but it was a chain and they had a sexy font. Pier 1 font. I was like, yo, who lives in there? Who's shopping at Pier 1? The Kardashians? Who's shopping at Pier 1? Britney Spears? We would go into Pier 1. My mom wouldn't buy a goddamn thing. Just looking, huh? My mom would look in Pier 1

and like see something and then try to recreate it like cheaper at our house. She's like, I saw like a red cabinet in there. So I just painted this cabinet red that I found at a garage sale. I'm like, yeah, well.

True. Remember the first time I got let into Pier 1? First, I got let into Pier 1. Like it's the hottest club in Miami. Actually, that would be a nice name. That's why Pier 1 is so extravagant. It sounds like a nightclub.

Can I see your ID? We got all wicker chairs on sale pier one yo we went to pier one last night holy shit shit pier one slapped last night. It was a movie. Pier one. I'll see if we can get a table. Pier one. Anything with a word and a number in it. I'm like, nightclub.

I love shit with a word and number, bro. Can't think of another one at the moment, but. Hey, oh, you know, it goes so hard. Oh, God. What's that? Oh, shit. It's like a dollar store. What's that dollar store called, bro?

The sound of it goes so hard. Dollar stores. Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Damn it. It's like a cheap store. It's like a, it's like a, I know there's people listening to this. It's like, it's called this, but I just can't think of it right now. Come on. I just typed in cheap stores. Damn it. Oh, I can't remember it.

It's such a good name. It's such a good name. Pier one. We're going to Pier one tonight. What if he told your friend that he's fucking pulled up to our furniture store? This is it? Yeah, dude. You should see their nightstands.

Pier one is sexy. You should see their nightstands Pier 1 sexy So My mom told me she loved me That was a pretty big lie She loves me She loves me not She loves me That should have been at the beginning of a rap song And then the beat hits right after this

Next on your radio next on 93.1 so my mom told me she loved me that was a pretty big lie don't you love me baby don't you love me baby don't you don't you love me baby don't check it don't you love me baby check it don't check it don't you love me baby don't you don't you love me i'm listening so when i was like 12 or 13 one of the cats had gotten out of the house and my mom and stepdad made me go up and down the street, knocking on every single door, asking if I had seen him. And I spent about two hours doing that just for me to come home and them to tell me, oh, yeah, no, we found him shortly after you left. But we wanted to teach you a lesson. No.

And to this day day i still have no fucking idea what that lesson was that doesn't make sense the lesson was you're an idiot don't believe in your parents that's so funny it's still pissing him off why two hours what if he got hit by a car or some shit dude dogs running away is a problem that i didn't know happens all the time it's in my dad's neighborhood because like i'm moving my shit from my apartment to my dad's house because i don't know what to do with it. I'm like, do I throw this away? I can't throw this away.

So I'm just like putting it at my dad's house. And I was like taking shit from my car to my dad's like car in the, in the, in my dad's car, into my dad's car, into my dad's car, into my dad's car, into my dad's car.

And this dude, it was like late as it was so late. Cause I was like, I don't want to do this at a normal hour. And I always do things at weird times. Like, I don't know. It feels kind of, feels kind of naughty, but it was like, it might've been like, it might've been on Thanksgiving.

It was Thanksgiving night at like 10 39 PM. This guy drives by in a van with like wearing like clothes you'd wear around your house, you know, like chill clothes and his windows are all down and he's like it was so scary i was moving shit in i was minding my just in my own world i'm like it's 10 39 in a neighborhood on thanksgiving no one is outside and i i'm like by my car like reaching for something i just hear behind me roxy roxy and dude my face is go straight pale i was like oh shit um this is how i die there's a guy walking up to my car right now through the front yard

that doesn't have a shirt on. He's in a Speedo for some reason. His mouth is bleeding and he just has a chain like this. Roxy. Roxy the snowman. Roxy the snowman Roxy Snowman, snowman, snowman, snowman I was like, holy fuck, what is that? I turn around, some guy in his car

Looking for his dog Roxy! Hey, you haven't seen a dog out here, right? This little white puppy You haven't seen... No, alright I keep driving around i was like drives the other way i was like dude i need to get the fuck out of here neighborhoods are scarier than like cities neighborhoods are so quiet i'm like ew what do you guys do you're're all sleeping? Ugh.

Everybody in the neighborhood goes to sleep at like 8 p.m. I'm like, mmm. If you live in a neighborhood, no offense, but you guys are pussies. 8 o'clock. Lights out! Whole neighborhood. I'm like, do I? I did feel like I was violating code.

I was like, oh shit, I'm out at 1030 in a neighborhood. This is probably like look down upon. Roxy. Where's my old man? I was like, oh shit. This is the end for me. Let's keep going. I think the biggest lie my parents ever told me was that they liked me

they very obviously favorited my brothers like my whole life and I'm 20 years old so you can see how long that's been going on um it's horrible but know what? They're gonna go senile at some point. And when they look to me to be taken care of nursing home. Oh. Yeah, that's weird.

Why didn't they like you hmm what'd you do what didn't you do they can't just not like you for no reason but what'd you do so they didn't like you i'm just kidding yeah yeah that nursing home shit. Yo, if I'm about anybody who's listening, if I'm about to go to a nursing home, take me out back. Treat me like an old dog,

like Shorty was talking about. Oh my God. That's rude. That's against PETA violation. No, I'm not a dog put me on all fours out back nursing home or I'd be like you know I don't what's the point kind of wild unless i'm like uh unless i'm like magneto and x-men you know he's like an old actor

i'm kind of good like yeah no i don't want to say all that that sounds like very ungrateful i take it back put me in a nursing home okay i have. So I don't know if it was my mom that convinced me or if I came up with this, but when I was a little kid, I used to think that when I was doing something dad or like something I shouldn't be doing, it was my evil twin that went by my middle name. So like when my mom would take me to go grocery shopping or to the store or whatever, So like when my mom would take me to go grocery shopping or to the store or whatever, we would pretend that we were leaving my evil twin in the car so that I would act right in the grocery store. And now that I think about it, it was kind of genius on my mom's part. That's good. And then the other one is actually something my grandma told literally all of us kids um and probably told her own kids but she

used to tell us that when we got the hiccups it was because we didn't wipe our butts good enough uh i'm like for years i know my cousin and i i can confirm i was not alone on this we we believed that for a long time. And actually, I think we were like teenagers before we figured out that that was not the case. Yo. But yeah, I think they were pretty genius lies. Honestly, I got to give it to them. Those are badass lies.

Hey, your evil twins got to stay in the car. Come on, come with me. And she's so good. Then she gets stay in the car come on come with me and she's so good then she gets back in the car evil twins kind of scary yeah that's a little weird that's like okay your evil twins just always with you can we kill your evil twin already j Jesus Christ. Stop acting like a dummy. Like, yeah, you get that. If you have the hiccups, it's because you didn't wipe your butt well enough. I would be so embarrassed. Imagine your whole family at Christmas. You

drink some like milk too fast. Whole family looks at you you dirty bitch especially if your grandma said it dude if my grandma said anything to me i'd be like yeah uh-huh oh my god i need to go wipe he's still sick and he's still sick how is he still sick how is it possible wow biggest lie your parents ever told you. That's it. That's it. Nice voice messages. Perfect.

I love it. I kind of want to do it again. I probably should have saved half of them so we could do it again next week. Next week will be ask me anything. F boy. Got to do it. Speaking of that, cringe moment of the week, cringe moment of the week. Uh, I can't watch the most recent episode of F boy Island because I, I know I just get yelled at the whole entire time. I can't bring myself to do it.

I tried it and I was like, no, I can't do this right now. And I tried it again and I was like, what am I doing? I don't want to put myself through hell. I know I'm getting yelled at. You know when you got yelled at by a girl that one time? Think about it. When she was going in on your shit and you're like that was embarrassing that happened to me on cable television i've been yelled at by so many girls

i'm just like god damn is this all it is my lord and then it happened on the CW at nine o'clock every Friday and streaming live on the app the next day at noon. And I can't watch it. I think there's funny parts in it, but cringe moment of the week. Maybe I'll watch it tonight and just cry. That's a big nighttime thing to do for me. You know, like if I don't want to do something, I'm like, save it for that. Like 11 to midnight. Cause 11 to midnight, that's when like nothing matters. 11 to midnight, nothing matters ever. A UFO could fly by my window and I'd be like,

what's up, bro? And I wouldn't say a damn word about it to anyone. 11 to midnight, anything is possible. I'll watch it tonight. Just kidding. No, I won't. Dear diary, dear diary. I don't know what's going on, but I like when I'm, when I'm saying that I've, I've had a cough for like four months. I think I have, I've had a cough since I got back from F boy Island.

I have no, nothing else is I'm good. Like I work out. I still lift the same weight. Nothing. I just have gallons of mucus in my chest. I don't know. Maybe I'm allergic to something,

but Jesus Christ, man, I take me, I don't know, but I'm allergic to something, but Jesus Christ, man. I take, I don't know. But I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I am. Wow. Look at me just like promising you guys shit. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow and I'm watching FYLN tonight.

Ha ha ha. Bro, I got to figure it out. Because for a minute I was like, yeah, yeah i don't need like it'll just go away then i saw this thing on twitter that was like this guy it was perfectly healthy in his in his 20s and he had a cough that kept bothering him he never got it checked out ever and finally he had enough and he went to the doctor and it turns out he had testicular cancer i was like jesus christ dude and when you have testicular cancer for too long it turns into a cough i was like all right well i gave myself the most efficient testicular checkup I've ever had in my life.

I was like, God damn. I don't know what's going on down there, but it seems good to me. How would you know? There's so much shit going on. I'm like, um, I guess seems smooth, right? Anyway, show and tell hey i did a photo shoot at jc penny and let me yo i'm never this stays between us fam this stays between us this a, this is a big life hack. That's the best. I don't want to shit on any photographers that I know, but that's the best photography system I've ever been in, in my life. And I've taken a lot of pictures, not, not as much as like, you know, other influencers and

shit like that. But like, I've taken like a good, like more pictures than a normal person. I think from photographers from doing shit and like, dude, if you need headshots, if you need a Christmas card, forget it. Forget the girl, you know, that like picked up photography as a hobby. No, a hobby. No, whatever they got, whatever system they got going on at JC Penny fire. I walked in the day before on black Friday. I was like, yo, you guys, you guys got a time slot tomorrow thinking they'd be like, no dude, it's the holidays. We're booked till April. You know, like when you need to make a doctor's appointment and they're like, uh, we're booked till April. You know, like when you need to make a doctor's appointment. And they're like, we're booked out until next July. I'm like, what? Next July?

I guess I'll die. They were like, yeah, we can get you in whenever. I was like, what about 345 tomorrow? They're like, done. I was like, okay. That was easy. I was like, you guys have like props. And they go, we got everything.

I was like, what do you mean? They're like, we got everything. Yeah. I was like, what do you mean? They're like, we got presents. We got trees. We got candy canes. We got chairs. We didn't, we got everything like with total confidence. I was like, oh, okay. At this point, I was like, I don't even, this, this must be like $500 then.

Right. It's gotta be five. If they, if they're, if they're slinging like this it's gonna be so expensive she's like nah it's like 120 bucks but we got coupons online so yeah bro i went into this photo shoot they gave me 35 i was like how many do i get like just be real or like i know it's a 15 minute slot so you gotta have your shit together a little bit but like not really she's like you get 35 dog i was like all right um so expecting to get these back in like two weeks, probably. No, you'll get them back before you get to your car.

What? Before I get to my car. I was like, what do you mean? Do you think I parked in Texas? She's like, no, no, no. Like you're giving me like 10 minutes. I was like, okay, how much is it? Hmm. 80 bucks. I was like, do you even know, do you even work here? What is happening? Best pictures I've ever seen in my life.

I've never looked better. And I'm not like out here doing my, my makeup. I just walked into a JC Penney, like, let's get it. Did I shave a little bit? Yeah. But like, dude, that, those were fire. Photographer was cool. They were like, you know, like around, like younger than me. Like they just understood shit. I was like, I'm probably going to be like, than me like they just understood shit i was like i'm probably gonna be like i gotta like do some like you know i gotta like do some shit and they're like dude we we get it fucking instagram and shit and i was like yeah yeah okay you know you got to give them the weird warning like i might do like something you think is weird but it's probably like not that weird considering we're in a photo shoot room. I'm like, maybe if I was doing this in line at Kroger, it'd be weird. Yeah. But we're taking pictures.

Come on. And they were like, no, no, no. Run it. Do your thing. Fire. I recommend it. Anyway, I recommend it. Anyway, here, show and tell, here are some of the backups. Are you serious right now? Are you serious right now? I've never looked that good in my entire life. Are you serious right now? Stop it. Stop it. stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it

if the picture's so good i'm looking at myself right now like oh i look like shit Oh my god. Oh my god. And she was like, kiss the reindeer. And I was like, what? She goes, kiss the reindeer. I was like, okay. Perfect picture. They were giving me advice.

On this one. Right there. I was like, okay, cool. Then she goes, kick your leg up. I was like, best one of the day. JC Penney Portrait Studio. Amazing quality. Amazing people.

Five stars. Obviously, this is not an ad because anytime you do anything for an ad, they make you, it's the worst. Dude, big, big companies like, oh my God, I didn't. Okay. It's happened one time. I didn't add for Tinder and they're just like, bro, literally just say the word Tinder, but do whatever you want. And I was like, really, is this a scam? Are we, they're like, we get it. We know how it works. Like if it's too much of an ad, knowing it's gross, it's bad. And I was like, wow, no way. So did my shit said Tinder once didn't even tag them. Didn't even tag them didn't even hashtag

at didn't even anything and it was like their best best it got the most views ever on my shit i was like but then you go with another like uh uh one of my friends that like is always doing them. Like can't get one off the ground for like 13 days. Luckily the people I'm working with are like, yo, yeah, do your shit. We get it. Create, be creative. Do like your creative thing. And I'm like, all right.

But some people do, I hear nightmares. Do it again. I'm like, what? Do it again. I'm like, what? Do it again. What? JCP all day. Let's do days. Then I'll F off, right?

Thursday. Today. Today. Thursday. Today. Remembrance for all victims of Chemical Warfare Day. What? It seems like everybody that gets, that chemical warfare happens,

they turn into a cool-ass villain on a TV show. Every single villain on a TV show. Yeah, he dropped in radioactive chemicals. Oh, what happened to him? He's just the Joker now. Every single villain. Radioactive chemicals. Oh, yeah? How's that big green

guy so strong? Hey, radioactive chemicals. Oh. Hmm. I'm about to drop my little happy ass in a vat of radioactive chemicals see what happens in a nursing home personal space day that is something insane personal space day when somebody doesn't know that you're right there, I'm like, oh my God, this is going to be so embarrassing. I feel like you have to like accidentally nudge them.

You're like, oh my God, I'm sorry. But really you're like, dude, fucking have an ounce of awareness. Mason jar day. about mason jars just the versatility is that why people are named vase mason yeah you can do it all oh my god what's your name name a Mason? That's so cute. Um, he's really into, uh,

holding tomato sauce and he's great with flowers. Oh, that makes so much sense. Mason jars. Mason jars are the real MVP. Can we give in like the design? The design never goes out of style you ever seen an ugly mason jar nope

moose day i've never seen a moose in my life are people out here eating is there a plural mooses mooses mice. Are people out here eating mice? Mooses are getting away with it. Nobody's eating mooses. Moose. Plural form of mooses, moose.

Nobody's eating mooses out here. They aren't. I've never heard of one person being like, yeah, we shot a moose last night, put them on the grill. The only thing mooses are in is like ice cream moose tracks i'm like oh sounds amazing moose tracks they're just out here they're out here skating by on the low biggest Biggest, scariest animal ever skating by on the low.

Computer Security Day. How big of a scam was that? You're going to get a virus. You know how everybody started to buy Apple computers because like their Windows PCs were getting viruses? I guarantee Apple

was just making viruses, like sending them out to Windows PCs, like, yo, we don't get them. That was a scam. Viruses just went away forever. My computer has a virus. Not if you got a Mac. Yo, what a marketing thing.

That was amazing. I'm like, who's not buying that yeah get a mac you can't get a virus okay why would i ever get another computer then that put other computers out of biz baby what a scheme what a scam how do we not know and at the time there's just people at the Genius Bar in the Apple Store just firing viruses on Dell laptops. No. Friday. Pi Day. There's always a Pi Day, babe.

I didn't. Did I talk about? No, I didn't do a goddamn thing on thanksgiving this is what i did on thanksgiving kind of cringe mode of the week too yeah i didn't do anything this is what i did i woke up had coffee ate ate a hair pill um it was my day off from working out so i didn't work out the fact that gyms are open on Thanksgiving is crazy. Cause I was like, damn.

And I just move stuff all day. And I was so hungry at night. By the way, there's nothing open on Thanksgiving. Nothing. Didn't know that. I was like, there at least has to be like a pizza hut open or some shit,

you know, just for the people that like don't have families. My God. I was like, there's like, cause the whole day i was like yo i'm getting papa john's and like that's gonna be my thing nothing open except for hooters i was like how late are you guys open they're like midnight i was like midnight i came through with the heaviest to-go order of all time 20 wings two chicken two burger sliders tex-mex nachos with chicken in a mousse cake. What mousse cake?

Another one. Shut up. I did not just say that. There's a mousse cake. Dude, mousse just out here. Just sounds good, but we don't eat it. Best, best. It was a good Thanksgiving.

Hooters hooked it up. If you're ever down bad on Thanksgiving, Hooters. The mousse cake was it, too. Bartender day. I'm so hungry right now. Bartender day. RIP. Never forget when they threw me in behind the bar for my first shift ever at the restaurant I worked at. And the day happened to be a Sunday when the Colts were playing in the city I was in at home. Big game. Even if it's not a big game, it's like, you know, everybody's just like, let's watch it at a bar. Dude, I'm fighting for my life back there. Sweating. I don't know any recipes. I've never made a drink before. The only drink I've ever made is like pour this much vodka in something. And then this much orange juice. That's it. It's the first, that's the only drink I've made. Now I'm a bartender on a Sunday

in downtown Indianapolis when the Colts are playing. I was like, all right, hopefully they just ordered like beer i didn't even know where the beer was in the fridge i was like where what they would like say weird beer names to me i was like lining kugels did you just tell me some kid's last name that you went to school with what the fuck is that they're like the beer right there i was like oh how would i line in kugels to someone that's never worked at a button it's not their fault because they didn't know i was an idiot but can i take the line in kegels i'm like what language are you speaking right now anyway fighting for my life had to get help from the like assistant manager that was there

she literally had to just work that day because i was was like, yo, we need to like, this is not cool. Like help me. She goes away. I'm stranded on an Island at a bar. I'm like, fuck dude. I'll never forget this. This is the time that I got anxiety for the first time. Full bar, rowdy crowd. Hey, bartender. They already didn't have respect for me because I fucked up all their orders like 92 times. Do you change the channel? I was like, bro, like all this now this, I don't even know how to change the channel at my own house. Now you want me to do it on a TV I'm unfamiliar with. I don't know where the remote is. I don't know if it's for this TV. Oh my God, bro. There's 19 other things I should be doing right now. And I'm trying to find the Colts game on TV.

trying to find the Colts game on TV. Dude, I'm hitting page up on the remote like my life is in this guy's hands. Ah, ah. I almost get a cramp in my thumb. I turn around. The channel's on Latino pop music. Channel 8,837. I'm like, no!

No! 37. I'm like, no! No! Just 32 goatees in Wrangler jeans staring down my dick while I'm trying to change it to the Colts game. Can't find the shit. Can't find, it won't go sometimes. Like sometimes it's really blasting on the TV.

You move your hand one inch nothing no no i'm like the remote the batteries i need new bed do you guys have double a's ah i swear to god i was just like at one point i was like yo i don't know bro and i got other shit to do you do it i think i just gave him the remote i was like you i don't know figure that shit out call direct spectrum direct tv whatever we got going on here I'm flustered I gotta make 17 blackberry lemonades and you want me to find the colts titans game Jesus Christ man watch it on your phone. Like, no. You gotta know, man. You gotta have, like, when a bartender's freaking, like, just, I'm like, I'll go to the other bar.

Like, that dude, that dude's down bad. Crazy. Eat a red apple day? Yeah, duh. Who's eating the green ones? People that are like, I like green apples better. Hey, that's a red flag. Red apple like, I like green apples better. Hey, that's a red flag, red apple flag. I like green apples better. They taste better. They're more sour. I'm like, you haven't eaten enough apples. That's what that means. You've had four apples

in your life and one has been green and three have been red and you like green better just because you don't, you don't know your apples. If you know your apples, it's a red apple and you usually know what brand too and they do change like for a minute i was like i like i like fuji i like fuji fuji's my shit then all of a sudden fuji got all soft and weird. I was like, yo, Jesus Christ. What happened on the island of Fuji? Christopher Columbus changed the recipe or some

shit? Johnny Appleseed? Same guy. Then all of a sudden I started liking Gala. I was like, Gala's low-key. It's crunchy. It's like not the biggest apple I've ever seen. Macintosh kind of always

third place for me. I'm like, I don't know what to do with you. I'll eat it, but like, buying a whole bag of Macintosh, it's a big commitment. Saturday. Know your apples. Know your apples. Fritters day? Fritters day. God, what a fat word. You know, I'll take a fritter. Any, ew. And if, yeah, fritter, fritter is such a fat word. I don't even know if I can say it.

I'm like, I'll take an apple fritter. It's like so much shame and guilt. I'm like, I say fritter. I check around and see if anybody's guilt. I'm like, I say for Ritter. I check around and see if anybody's listening. I'm like, okay. They didn't hear me. Thank God mutt day calling the dog a mutt kind of seems like racist like have some respect dude. He didn't have a choice

play outside day always had to play outside no matter what grown up. If you're listening to this podcast you never we were you were inside for 13 minutes a day parents made me play outside all if i was inside watching tv they'd be like get the fuck outside are you serious right now in order to watch a tv show in my house i had to like vacuum during all the commercials or something you know know what I mean? It's just like, God damn, can I just watch a show? We'll be right back on Kids WB.

Miss half the show. Because I didn't get the dining room. Who's vacuuming the dining room, bro? Nobody goes in there. It's haunted. I'm like, damn, this is why I am the way I am. When I vacuum the dining room, I would just do one circle around the table and chairs. One circle, like a track around a field. One circle. I'd be like, done. And my dad would be like, nah, pull all the chairs out.

Under the chairs, around the chairs, under the... I was like, no, dude, dad, we haven't been in here in 13 years. We haven't been in... This is where I eat. The only person that's been in here in the last 13 years is me. Because this is where I eat when I get in trouble. Because you make me sit in here. One lap around the dining room table. with the dining room that was always the shit

vacuum the house you get the living room and dining room you'll get the family family room in the other room in the stairs bro if you got the stairs when you're vacuuming good luck pal i'll see you in april that shit took way too long. I would cash out with the dining room. There were like three Ottomans in the living room. I was like, yo, bro, I'm covering ground today. Yep. Ottomans are taking up all the room. No, dude, if you check my vacuum, don't check under the Ottoman because because i didn't hit it just saying just saying who's who's spilling 17 sunflower seeds under the ottoman all the sudden come on nobody's nobody's you move the ottoman away from the couch it's the carpet that

that that's so fresh it's like you just bought a new house you're like oh damn put that back put that on back sunday roof over your head day i don't know what to do with this one but i do get stuck on those TikToks of like guys making like houses and stuff in the woods, like out of, out of trees and like bark. And they do such a thorough, good job. I'm like, imagine if this was like your content, you know, I love my content, but like, what if you're just like, yo, put up a camera and just make a, make a house in the woods out of woods And just time-lapse it 30 million views

Every time they make it i'm like And they have everything too there's like a charger in there Not the car what if there was there's like a charger in there They just make a dodge charger from scratch and put it in the woods. Sheltered the roof over its head. One day being in the woods. All right, yo. I am so hungry. I'm going to scream, but I love you. Oh shit. I got to leave for real. I love you Oh shit I gotta leave for real I love you guys Thanks for the voice messages As always Killed it

Remember to join the Patreon for a live stream every Sunday They go crazy And you'll get every other podcast on the Patreon Get the merch, get the tix, the Indianapolis show Watch FY on the CW Had a stroke. I'll talk to you guys next week. All right, fam.