Espresso - me in jail

Episode Date: August 4, 2021

♦️ 𝘀𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) on this shot ben responds to DM's about the most scared you've ever been ˡⁱᵏᵉ ᵍᵒⁱⁿᵍ ᵒⁿ ᴬᴺʸ ᶠᵃⁱʳ ʳⁱᵈᵉ 👀 he has a moment of silence for the stores in the mall that didn't make it, imagines himself in jail and realizes every grandma can crochet an afghan. Ben reminds us of all the dumb shit that happened in the summer as a kid then he tells a story about talking to a table he's serving while suffocating on a biscuit ✨𝗨𝗽𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘄𝘀✨ Helium Comedy Club (featuring for Hannah Berner) | Indianapolis, IN Aug 5, 6, 7 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝗲𝗻!: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Shot 170 Okay This shit's kinda sad This is what I typed in for this This is what I typed in Chill summer beat Why is it the saddest fucking song ever? for this is what I typed in. Chill summer beat. Why is it the saddest fucking song ever?

Jesus Christ. They're like, we know it's almost over. So, yeah, this is what we gave you. Okay. Okay. I feel like I'm in like an Aeropostale right now. Mom, can I get this? No. Aeropostale just had so many clothes in it.

You ever notice that? You ever go into a store and you're just like, how the fuck do you guys fold all this? You ever go into a store and you're just like, how the fuck do you guys fold all this? Aeropostale low-key, like Aeropostale is low-key like the underdog, you know? You always kind of liked it, but you're like, American Eagle and Hollister kind of got you by a mile. But I still fuck with you. I still fuck with your polos a little bit. Like Aeropostale has always been there. You know what I mean? You ever feel bad for like stores in the mall? Air Apostle, I always walk by and I'm like, Hey, you're still, you're still,

I still believe in you. All right. Don't go out. Don't go out like six, seven, eight down there. That store called six, seven, eight. I was like, why is it called 678? They're like, everything's $6, $7, $8. I was like, whoa. When a store doesn't make it in the mall, you're like, you throw a flower like where it used to be. You're like, there we go.

To the homies, bro. When they take a good store out of the mall, you're like, what? Dude, they took Gap out of the mall? I was like, what? Dude, they took Gap out of the mall? I was like, what is going on? No way. They're just moving it. They're moving it to the other wing.

No, because Gap can't. No, not Gap. Gap sucked, honestly. Nothing fit. And it was just Old Navy. It was Old Navy in a better location in the mall. Old Navy was the shit. It was so bright. It was so Navy and a better location in the mall. Old Navy was the shit. It was so bright.

It was so cheap in there. And they had like toys and balls and shit. Dude, the fitting room at Old Navy. Never been in a place bigger in my life, that fitting room. Who the fuck is trying on that many clothes in Old Navy? 67 doors. One person trying on cargo shorts. What's up?

Espresso Podcast with Ben Polizzi. Shot 170. Remember to follow on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Cameo, Twitter. All at Benedict Polizzi. What's happening? Hey and remember to rate Review, subscribe Tell your homies, tell your homegirls Cause this

Is the pod This is the pod you need to listen to This is the pod No for real though it's getting good man I like where this pod's going We got shows coming up At Helium this Tuesday Indiana's Funniest

I'll be on there at 8 o'clock This Tuesday at Helium And then all weekend at Helium I'm featuring for Hannah Burner She's the shit Come out and see it And Sarah Huntington's hosting So it'll be a good weekend

It'll be dope Come through Helium All weekend Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. There's shows at 8.30 and 10 o'clock each night. But go to the website for sure. I'll put the link in the podcast description.

Just a description. I went way too long without fucking up a word. I was like, when's it coming? When's it coming? When's the description? There it is. Oh, shit. You ever talk too long? You ever talk so long without fucking something up and you're like, I must be having a good day, dude. Every like fifth word I say, I'm like, why'd I say that? I called my girlfriend Bo the other day. You ever want to call somebody like bro, man, things i'm i was gonna call her i was gonna

call her like boo i was like all right yeah let's get out of here beau and then i was like i can't take that one back dude my dad would fuck up uh he'd try to call me bro and man he'd be like what's up ban if i go if i go like if i run if I run off like 20 words straight without fucking anything up or like drooling or like not being able to catch my breath at the end of a sentence or something like that I might as well fucking run for president that day I'm like am I on drugs like what did I eat like I want to memorize everything I did this day so I can not mess up a word for the rest of my life. He woke up. He drank milk.

He got a coffee. Then he worked out. And then he said two sentences correctly for the first time in his life. Now he does that every single day. Dude, it feels like fall outside. You know? When the months trick you and they're like,

hey, we're going to give you a little bit of fall today, so you miss it, and then we're going to go back to summer for like three weeks, four weeks, maybe four months. We don't know yet.

You're like, fuck. Every time it's summer, I'm like, oh my God, I can't wait till fall. And then every time it's fall, I'm like, oh my God, I can't wait till winter. And then it's summer I'm like oh my god I can't wait till fall And then every time it's fall I'm like oh my god I can't wait till winter And then it's winter I'm like dude I can't wait till summer

I love fall bro I can't wait for fall shit I say this and then once it's fall I'm like I fucking ew fall I'm such a bitch But every time I think of fall I just think about the coffee that's how I do coffee runs my god damn life man

it's not even why this did people come up to me and they're like is your podcast called espresso cause you like rate and review coffees I'm like uh no but I should the coffee in fall is just it is just on a different level than every other month.

The fall coffee, and not because of Piaf South, you just want coffee more in the fall. Because you're like, should I get a hot one? I get iced coffee every fucking day. So when it gets kind of cold out, I'm like, maybe I should get a hot one. Then I get a hot one and it's way too hot. And I'm like, why did I get a hot one It's way too hot And I'm like Why did I get a fucking hot one?

Nah but it was definitely Fall type beat outside It's just the clothes too You know You can be more relaxed You can just wear a hoodie And just be like What's up?

But at the same time You can wear shorts too And be like Yeah I'm not ready for it To be cold yet I think I wear shorts more than anybody in the world I thought about it the other day I just hate wearing pants I saw myself in the mirror and I'm like I'm always just wearing shorts I'm just waiting for something

weird to happen to my legs like every guy like eight out of every ten guys just has like a weird leg you know there's so many weird legs out there I'm almost there bro I got like a bump on my leg I'm like well my whole leg will be purple in like 2 weeks alright let's get to this question I had a lot of

had a lot of people hit me up about my hair transplant Because I put that picture on social media Or I put that picture on Instagram Like, did you really get a hair transplant? And I was like, yep And it's that picture of me like straight up scalped

My head looked like an unfrosted Pop-Tart It was this week last year when I got my hair transplant I was out for three weeks, dude. Biggest head ever. Oh, I remember I tried to do this podcast with a numb, big old head, dude. And it was the, it was probably the worst podcast I've ever done. But yeah, I was talking about my hair transplant. I just woke up like two weeks later and I looked at my legs and I had two big ass bruises on the back of my legs and I was like what is that from what could that be from so it reminded me like that like that

moment in my head I was like low-key scared like I was they had to put me to sleep for that procedure so they could have done like anything to me for like two hours I was like why do I have bruises on the back of my legs but I was was thinking about it and they had, they like had to strap me down and that was probably what it was. That's probably what it was. Yeah, that's probably what it was. No, but like honestly, halfway through that procedure, when they were like doing shit on my head, I woke up straight up. I've talked about this before. I talked about this on the podcast right after I got my hair transplant. I woke up and started getting up and they're like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. Hey, Hey, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. Hey, where are you going? I go like this. I go,

sorry. I thought my alarm went off. That's happened to me every time I've ever had a procedure. They'll put me to sleep and I'll wake up halfway through and be like, Holy shit. Am I late for work? They'll put me to sleep and I'll wake up halfway through and be like, holy shit, am I late for work? Like, I can't even. He's the most stressed man. He's the most stressed out man. He can't even relax when he's on drugs. He's the most stressed man in the world.

He can't even relax when he's on drugs. He's stressed out and he has a purple leg. Oh, shit. All right, so that was scary for me because I had no idea what that was from. Let's go through these DMs. What's the most scared you've ever been? Here we go. Hey-o, mayo man.

I was driving from Kansas to Ohio. God, that sounds like the worst trip ever. Two states nobody wants to go to. Missed an exit and ended up going 200 miles out of the way. Ended up in Farmersville, Illinois, coincidentally. This was pre-smartphone. I had no gps i used an old school map to figure out where i was and find my way back to the highway i still brag about it dude i have no idea how people went

anywhere before gps can you imagine dude i remember riding in the back seat and my parents were like driving somewhere or maybe it was just my mom no it was my mom and my uncle for some fucking reason and they had this big ass map in the middle of the car like half of it was on the dash half of it was on like the console and they just had this blue pen like writing I was like dude is it even worth going anywhere dude that sounds like the worst trip ever, though. Kansas to Ohio? Uh. And I ended up in Farmersville? Uh. I remember if we were lost or something, we would actually get lost on trips. We would get lost on trips because we took road trips hell, like, all the time.

Especially in the summer because my family lives in Michigan, so we always went to Michigan all the time. Both sides of my family lived in Michigan, so we were like every two weeks it was like Michigan, Michigan. So sometimes we'd like go somewhere, take a, like, I don't know, we'd just go somewhere and we'd get lost. And we'd have to go into a gas station and ask them how to get somewhere. Dude. People used to be so smart. I just hit my fucking shin. That hurts so bad.

Ah! Oh my God. People used to be so smart I just hit my fucking shin that hurt so bad Ah Oh my god Oh my god Oh Okay Just hit my shin hurt so bad Alright here we go I just hit my shin. It hurts so bad. Alright, here we go.

What's the most scared you've ever been? Wechter Media. I went to jail jail and I got brought into a side cell with four dudes in it. Worst nightmare. Also, my appendix burst while I was in a bath and I literally had two hours till it was fatal and i had a seizure in the waiting room jesus fucking christ dude that's my worst feel fear feel i went to jail jail and i got brought into a side cell with four dudes in it that has

to be so fucked up what do you do immediately i'd be like they're gonna try to have sex with me fuck that'd be the first thing i thought like before they even like do they do they say what's up if i walked into jail and four guys were in there i'd be like so it's feeling like fall outside do you guys like the coffee in the fall or I do have to be the biggest bitch in jail. I would be doing everything those motherfuckers told me. Me in jail. That's so fried. So, uh, you guys do tattoos or is that just on the movies?

Hey, when do we, uh, do we work out here? That's kind of the thing, right? Dude, I would be so fucked in jail. Also, my appendix bursted while I was in a bath and I literally had two hours till it was fatal. I had a seizure in the waiting room yeah that's appendix shit is scary because you like don't know when and anytime anything hurts in my stomach i'm like it's my appendix because that's like what they taught us in school like the first time i heard somebody had their appendix like sliced open or whatever i was like holy shit yeah you only have two hours to live they make it like sound like it's the craziest fucking ticking time bomb like why the fuck do we even have an

appendix it doesn't do shit for you except for ruin your life if you wait too long you could blow up it's like a commercial for a fucking like board game or something as a kid. The appendix. You wait too long, it'll blow. The appendix. You better find out if it's gonna blow because if you don't, you'll die. The appendix. Sorry, not your fault that it exploded. You didn't do anything wrong. It's just

the appendix. R.I.P. Jesus Christ, man. It's always like when you talk to somebody who had their appendix taken out, you're like, what did it feel like? And they're like, I actually had I had like a little bit of stomach pain. And then I just like randomly on my way to the store, I got it checked out. And they're like, yeah, you would have died in 20 minutes. It's always some shit like that.

I'm like, Jesus Christ. The appendix. All right, here we go. The most scared you've ever been. The lone wolf. I unintentionally stumbled into an evening With the Chinese mob And I thought I was gonna die

Swear to god How do you stumble That seems like the scariest mob honestly The Chinese mob That's the scariest sentence I've ever heard Stumbled into an evening With the Chinese mob Bro I just feel like they'd kill you by just like

looking at you i feel like chinese people just have so many tricks and shit that we don't know about i'm like italian mob has shotguns and shit chinese mob just snaps their fingers and looks at you and your appendix bursts. The appendix. Chinese mob. Shut up. Here we go. Most scared you've ever been. Mary Catherine. Riding the zipper

at the St. Simon Fest when I was 10. Brother, zipper. All those rides. But Mary Catherine, she goes, riding the zipper at the St. Simon Fest when I was 10, brother. Zipper. All those rides. But Mary Catherine, she goes, riding the zipper at the St. Simon Festival when I was 10, I thought the ride was going to fall apart. Started crying and saying Hail Marys. The most Catholic ass experience of all time. Riding the zipper at the St. Simon Festival.

Started saying Hail Marys. The amount of times I've prayed to God on those fair rides, because those fair rides are different, dude. They, like, are meant to make you throw up. Like, rides at theme parks and shit, they're like, ah! It's like a thrill, you know? They're, like, real tall and, like and big going big down going big downhills going big downhills those are like thrill rides you know big ass roller coasters and shit at the fair they're

like cheap like rides you know the scrambler bro i get so dizzy on those fucking rides it's like uncomfortable for me that's like why I'm scared to go on rides I couldn't go dude At the fair I was like I'd go on these rides But like I'm not gonna be the same for the rest of the day You go on those rides and you feel drunk For the rest of the day Dude when you feel that

When you get hot on a ride You ever have that? When you get hot on a ride You're like this is fun this is fun I'm good I'm good You're like checking in with your body When you get hot on a ride. You ever have that? When you get hot on a ride. You're like, this is fun. This is fun. I'm good. I'm good.

You're like checking in with your body. You're like, I'm still good. We're good, right? Your brain's like, yeah, we're good. Just you checking in with it and shit. Your body's like, yeah, we're good. We're good. We're good.

Then something happens and like your cart flips a different way for one time on the ride. And your body's like, oh shit. And your neck gets all hot. Your mouth gets all small. I'm on the ride and your body's like, oh shit. And your neck gets all hot. Your mouth gets all small. Every time I'm about to throw up, my mouth gets so fucking small. My mouth is the size of a Barbie's mouth when I'm about to throw up.

Let's keep going. What's the most scared you've ever been? Jessica Jean. Scariest shit ever was when I saw a UFO flying behind me and my friend when we were driving back home from school in the middle of the night. Swear that actually happened. It was effed up. A UFO. Every time I see some shit in the sky that's going way too fast, I'm like, UFO? Aliens?

Can't tell me anything else. UFO? Don't you think aliens would, like, have the technology not to be seen, though? Like, what a rookie move for aliens just to fly their shit in the broad daylight. I guess we do the same

shit when we go to Mars. We're like, here's our spaceship! Looks like a big dick! Plant our flag right on the soil. Like, we're not sneaky about that shit at all. Every time I see something that looks like a UFO, I'm like, it's a weird army plane. They're testing out army planes.

There they go, testing out Army planes again. It's like abducting people with that one weird light, and you can see them go up in the UFO. I'm like, yep, it's just the old Navy SEALs. Yep, uh-huh. Squadron 3-0. Yeah, they're just testing them out. They're sending them over to Afghan soon.

Afghanistan soon. Afghan. Is that the blankets your grandma's in it? Afghan? Afghan, yeah. Holy shit. No wonder Afghanistan was so familiar to me as a kid. Because my grandma fucking knitted up 40 of them every month.

Dude, if your grandma didn't thread up an afghan, why does every grandma have to, like, literally, mandatorily have to do that? Every grandma just knows how to make blankets. Yep, one day they're just like, uh-huh, making a blanket. They are so fucking comfortable, though. And I don't even know if they are comfortable, but just the fact that your grandma

Made it with her hands You're like give me that fucking afghan god damn it If that's at your house And your friend sleeps with it You're like not that one That one goes with me Oh shit afghans Jacob Teague Most scared you've ever been Oh shit, Afghans.

Jacob Teague, most scared you've ever been. I was on a ride at an amusement park that flips upside down about 50 feet in the air, and my buckle came a little bit loose. Thought I was going to completely unbuckle. Yeah, I always wonder how they lock you down in that seat thing. It's like... And they always go a little bit too tight so you like can't breathe during the ride. And like half the time I'm on a ride, I'm like, oh fuck, my shoes are going to fall off. That's like what I'm thinking. I can never enjoy myself on a ride because I'm thinking like 40 different things.

I'm like, the ride's going to break. My wallet's probably going to fall out of my pocket. My shoes are going to fall off. I don't even know if I have my phone right now. They're like, did you have a good time? I'm like fucking checking all my shit. I'm like, hold on. Let me get you. Give me a minute. I got to make sure. Wallet, phone,

keys, my shoes. Kind of fucked up. Yeah, it was fun. Every fucking ride. Did they have little compartments to put all your shit here we go ben connors what's the most scared you've ever been when i got stuck in the ocean and the curtain wouldn't let me come back to shore ah bro i always thought somebody would just like you know people just go in the ocean and like kind of fall asleep and shit.

That was my nightmare. Doing that like in an inner tube, like falling asleep and just drifting away. Everybody forgets about you and you just wake up and you're like, holy fuck. You can't see anything. I would scream forever. You don't know which way to go. You got to get out a big fucking map. And a blue pen.

It's like foggy, bro. That would suck suck how would you know which way to direction to go then see that's where I'm fucked I don't have no like survival skills I'd probably pop my inflatable thing and be like I'll just eat this. Alright, let's go viral. Viral. But first, this podcast is brought to you by Wave1 Media. If you want to start your own show, visit thewave1.com Alright, hashtag my spidey sense tells me.

Hashtag my spidey sense tells me. Hashtag my spidey sense tells me. I always get like a little, like, I have dumb spidey sense. Like, I always know like where, like, this is my thing, this is my spidey sense. Like, I can go into any kitchen and be like, that's your silverware drawer. If your silverware drawer, like, isn't right below where you're cutting shit, like, you got it backwards, dude. You ever move somewhere? Dude, one time we, like, got into our new apartment

and we put the silverware drawer somewhere and it didn't feel right. And then, like, two weeks later we switched it. Like, this isn't where it happened. We forced it. We forced it on the silverware drawer. Or, like, my spidey sense is I can tell when songs on the radio are sped up. I feel like I'm like, I don't know. I'll listen to a song on the radio and be like, this is sped up by like 5%.

I can just tell it's like not always like this. Like I saw something come out that said episodes of Seinfeld on TBS are sped up by like seven percent to get two more commercials in there and I was like oh I knew it they do that on the radio too hashtag my childhood summer oh childhood summer dude That's my whole life Childhood summer is so lit Childhood summer I just think of the dumb shit When I think of childhood summer I think of like uh

Dude my family was just happy during the summer We'd buy like cool shit Cool plates We'd have like blue green and like pink cups i'd be like yes fuck yeah drinking like country time lemonade out of those joints my feet would always be so goddamn dirty in the summer oh bro for the whole day summer makes me want to cry dude that was the best time of my life But it always It like starts to slow down

When you're like When you're like 13 or 14 It's like ah shit It's starting to get real You can like feel it You're like this isn't gonna be the same You always want the summer to be the same As it was the year before

When you get like 13 or 14 You're like ah shit I'm starting to do a lot of other shit now It's like not gonna be the same as last summer. Fuck. Every summer I was like, that was the best summer ever. You always had that one summer that was just like you had zero responsibilities. You were like nine.

Nothing, dude. No sports. And if you played sports, like they weren't fucking with the summer. They didn't care about the summer. You were just along for the ride, dude. Just road trips. Where are we going? All right.

Just no. That was the shit, man. I would wake up, assemble a Lego soccer stadium for the first three hours of my day. I'd wake up at 7 a.m play legos till 10 while sports center was on then go outside and like look at shit for two hours and like try to convince one of my family members to play with me or some shit and then i'd just like try to watch tv before my mom was like get back outside then i'd try to watch tv again she'd be like why would you do it if you're gonna be inside You better clean

So I'd go outside and then like I'd go outside and then like Just find some shit to do Like I don't know I'd like I'd like create some game in my head Then I'd go back inside my home And be like

What the fuck? I'm making dinner Get out And I'd go back outside And the dinners in summer were so lit The most lit dinners The most cookout dinners ever When your mom like didn't start dinner for a while

You're like what the fuck is going on What are we eating tonight That's when he knew you were bored as fuck in the summer When uh Remember being bored I don't even know what that feels like anymore being bored being bored in the summer i'm bored bro i can't even remember saying that can you imagine saying you that you're bored i'm bored i wish i was fucking bored

dude when i was bored in the summer When I was a kid I would literally lay upside down On the couch and just like In complete silence Nothing else on TV And I'd do it for like 17 minutes and then I'd like go Walk outside and it'd be so fucking hot

Outside it'd be like another planet outside I was entertained By absolutely everything as a kid like we really did jump through the fucking sprinkler as kids can you imagine that like that's so low quality fun it's just fucking you're running you know that sprinkler that like it's spread out and it like goes back and forth you just jump through the middle of it like goes back and forth. You just jump through the middle of it. It like hits your crotch and you're like. Why was that fun?

Like there's nothing. Oh, I guess you could do like handstands and like cartwheels through it. Not that I did that or anything. Summer as a kid, bro. That's the best time of your life. You know when people are like, dude, college is the best time of your life You know when people are like Dude college is the best time of your life Live it up I'm gonna walk up to like

A seven year old And be like Hey motherfucker Listen to me This is in the middle of the target Hey Grab him by the shirt His mom's like

Oh my god I'm like stop You need to hear this too Get him real close to my face I'm like Listen hear this too. Get him real close to my face. I'm like, listen, this summer,

you have no fucking responsibilities, so just shut the fuck up. Don't ever complain again. And beg your mom to get those Flintstone push-ups in the freezer aisle because those fucking bang. Okay. And you play Legos every goddamn day.

Listen, hey. He's like looking around and shit like at the toy aisle. Like, hey. And you run through that motherfucking sprinkler as many times as possible. And you wear the same exact fucking shorts and shirt that you do every fucking day, okay? You never change your goddamn clothes because it doesn't matter And you don't make any friends in the neighborhood because they're all weird as fuck. Okay, okay? Okay

Now if your lower abdomen starts to hurt it's probably because your appendix so get that checked out, okay? Weirdest interaction in the store. Okay. Fuck, I love that shit. Hashtag tips to get your way. I literally don't have any. I don't have any of those little things that people do to get their way. They, like, fake cry and they, like, guilt trip people.

I can't do that shit. I just can't do it. I feel like such a bitch. Me fake crying, I can't do. I can't fake anything like that. Don't have any tips to get your way. No clue Hashtag Odd thoughts while driving

Odd thoughts while driving I always think all the tires Are gonna fall off my car when I'm driving Or I'm like how does this motherfucking thing Even work right now Like all you really have to do for your car is just put gas in it that's it unless you really fuck something up but like it's always just gas like your car's a fucking maniac when you think about it all that shit you do in your car we gotta go here gotta go all you have to do is put gas in and it's like

and even when I have to get gas I'm like, oh my god Every time I'm in a hurry I always think all my tires are gonna just fall Right the fuck off of my car And I'm just gonna slide to my destination Sparks and shit I just pull up right in the parking spot

I'm like like I'm here hashtag I don't like people who I don't like people who walk so slow I walk slow I walk slow but like I know what's going on around me there's a lot of people that I don't have like awareness I've noticed

that like when there's somebody walking fast next to you and you're walking slow like get the fuck over god dang I haven't and I feel rude because I'm in a hurry for something I'm like sorry I gotta walk a little bit faster than you I always feel like the slow people that I like walk by real fast are like oh guess he's got somewhere important to be I'm like I don't know, bro. You're just in the way as fuck. People that walk like three deep, like three, bang, bang, bang, three across on a sidewalk

and they're all slow and shit and just like, I'm like, there's other people out here. I just want to climb through one of their legs and keep walking. Oops, sorry. Hashtag, I just need a moment. Hashtag, I just need a moment too. Hashtag, this happens to me all the time. You ever like, you're ever like saying something to someone and you can't think of the word you want, but you know, like it's right there, you're like, fuck. I just want to pause the whole world and be like, what is that shit? Then be like, oh, it's therapeutic.

Then go back in real life and be like, it's really therapeutic. How do people know? How do people hit those words in real life? I really need a pause button to think of words like that. Or when something happens and your brain clicks and you actually think of the word that or when like something happens and you're like your brain clicks and you actually think of the word like at the last possible second you're like it's

really therapeutic and they're like oh yeah it really was you're like save that one fuck hashtag july is over oh man july is the last breath of summer, dude. That used to be devastating as a kid. When July would be over, you'd be like, walking on thin fucking ice in August, dude. Dave Portnoy tweeted, like, don't give up on August. It's still summer.

It's still summer. Don't give up on August, bro. He's right, but he's wrong. You shouldn't give up on August, but like... Dude, the way the media manufactures August is back to school. Like, you got no choice, bro. Like, as a kid, you start school on August, like, 20th or, like, 17th. Like, that's fucked. It's over for you, bro.

It's over. Because, like, your mom, even August 1st, even your parents are like, get in gear. Hey, we need to start going over some formulas and getting you back into the school zone. Getting you back into your school groove. I'm like, oh, fuck, no. It's still summer. Right? There's still two weeks. They'm like, ah, fuck no. It's still summer. There's still two weeks. They're like, mm-mm, nope.

You lay your clothes out, you pack your bag, and get your school supplies ready for two straight weeks. Ah! I swear to God, that's what my mom wanted me to do for the whole month of August until school started, would just lay my clothes out and just pray by my school stuff. Ha ha ha! Every store is like like back to school bash bash bash this way for back to school school school they like make it sound exciting you're like oh no that's devastating as a kid when you see that

big fucking like pencil graphic hanging from the ceiling in a grocery store You're like oh fuck it's time It's time Stores don't let you enjoy summer for shit dude They give you like two weeks in the beginning of June Then like June 15th rolls around They're like it's time for school Do you need some colored pencils?

You need a flash drive? Gear up For the best school year of your life Or there's always an old navy commercial With a bunch of like kids wearing new back to school clothes And they're like dancing And you're supposed to like think it's cool I'm like fuck all you guys

That is a nice shirt though Could wear that for picture day Who buys all new clothes for fucking school anyway bro I never did I never fucking bought new school clothes I wore the same Dude I had the same backpack forever My mom was not fucking with that I had the same, dude, I had the same backpack forever. My mom was not fucking with that.

I had the same backpack from first to fourth grade, fourth through, still have it today. Kids that got new backpacks every year, bro, fuck off. The richest pieces of shit. Yeah, I got a new backpack. It's all plastic and all new the first day. It looks like a big fucking shoe box on their back You're like fuck off dude Loser

I've had the same crusty Adidas backpack Since 1904 Rips all in it and shit I love kids that don't give a fuck about the first day of school That's my favorite type of kid Kids that like didn't get a haircut That like just weren't wearing wearing the same shoes they had on the last day of school the year before their hair they're like you know they're just wearing their normal they're just like fuck it yeah nothing special bro just seventh grade don't give a shit the kids that had

the fresh haircuts and the new shoes and new socks and new fucking school shirt and new fucking the back of their head was like sandpaper their haircut was so fresh i was like oh god grow up you're still the same dumb ass to me alex i swear to god i had to do the no haircut on the first day of school Was such like a baller move You're like nah just don't give a fuck Oh shit Nothing's changed here bitch

Same shit Same teachers Just a new homeroom motherfucker The badass in school I always Definitely had the haircut in the shoes, though. Kids that got school shoes, they'd get them, like, a day before school started. When I got school shoes, it was, like, in the middle of July because my other ones, like, blew out.

And I'd be like, Mom, I want school shoes. She'd be like, we're the ones we just bought you. I'd be like, ah, shit. They're already dirty. I don't care. All right mind forget i asked oh shit back to school the smell when you get back to school that's the worst smell of all time can't tell me different the smell of like a freshly like ready for the doors to be open ass school. I'm like gross dude. Smells like I'm gonna fail every fucking

test this year. Smells like I'm already in trouble. Smells like in school suspension. Hashtag what not to do. This happened to me, like, since I work at a restaurant, I'm like always, I don't know why this happened, but like for like eight months of working at a restaurant, I was like, I'm not eating any of the food here. Just because like, I'm just not going to do it.

I'm just not going to do it. Even like a little like something that like, they're like, hey, you want this? I'm just going to say no every time. And now I'm the complete opposite. Every time I go to the like the kitchen of our restaurant to get something, I'm like, where's the food? I'm stealing some. Where's the food? There's some fries lying around here.

There's some hush puppies somewhere. And sometimes I don't know why, bro. I don't know why i like broke down and did that but like and i won't eat a lot but like i'll be like oh there's two fries out there and i'll like eat them and be like why the fuck did i just do that but they're so good at the moment so uh dude yeah i went downstairs and they're like someone was like hey you want this and i was like yeah shit i'll take one and And I ate a biscuit. It was a biscuit. The biscuits at the restaurant I work at are so flame.

They don't look like they'd be all that, but they are. And I had one, and I went upstairs to go talk to this table I was serving. And I was choking. I do this thing where I eat a hell of food and I don't think I need a drink like I don't think I never drink while I'm eating until I'm like about to until my appendix is gonna explode until I'm about to die I'm like I don't need a drink so I went up there and I was talking to this guy at this table and he kept asking me all these questions about the menu mid suffocation for me was like, my eyes were watering and shit.

I was like lightheaded. He's like, what comes on the... I was just like... I like had a stroke. And I like chugged somebody's water that wasn't even mine because I was really going to die. How'd he die? How'd he die?

He was explaining what was in the chopped salad. And he fucking fell over middle of the restaurant is he okay is he okay did he have a heart attack no he just ate a biscuit too fast i swear to god bro my eyes i was talking to this guy my eyes were watering my face was all red i couldn't even see him. I had like tunnel vision. You could definitely tell something was wrong with me. I was like, oh, they got black, black eyed people. Just one chuck of sugar.

Oh, shit. Yeah. What not to do. Don't eat a biscuit and talk to somebody. A biscuit. All right. Let's do days. Wednesday.

National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day. I feel like there's one of these every goddamn time. But National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day. I'm always tempted to get one. Dude, I have a fucked up thing, man. I have a fucked up thing. When I'm really hungry and I go to Subway, I get like two banana

peppers and like 15 cookies. I'm like, yeah, I went to Subway for lunch. Oh shit. Just so my head's like, good job. He went to Subway, but I really had like 14 s'mores cookies, but I pass, I passed on the chocolate chip cookie. I did. I got six cookies at Subway on Saturday. Isn't that fucked up? That's like a normal, and I think I got more cookies later on. I was just fucked up, man. I got six cookies, two raspberry, two oatmeal raisin, and two, uh, hey, you know what I did get chocolate chip. Oh shit Thursday National Underwear Day I'm at the point in my life where I just

Can't wear underwear man It's so annoying Like at some points yeah you have to wear underwear Like but I've done it before Where I'm wearing jeans without underwear And people are like doesn't that like And I'm like not really man It just feels good

I just feel free I don't like when my hips are restricted and people are like doesn't that like and i'm like not really man it just feels good i just feel free i don't like when my hips are restricted when something's tied around my hips i feel like i'm like less of a person you know like i can't like i'm moving weird like i can't get my knee up as high like when i walk it's just like not I just feel like... I feel like I'm in trouble when I'm wearing underwear, you know? I feel like I'm like... And when I'm not wearing underwear, I'm like... Christ, I can be myself again! I can think outside the box!

Jesus, so restricting Maybe I'm just buying I have had this problem where I always buy Too tight of underwear though I swear I wore medium underwear And I still do Cause I was like I like it tight And then one day I was like

This shit is way too tight But loose underwear Imagine wearing loose underwear I like why even wear it they're just shorts under shorts that's where I am Friday National Fresh Breath Day god bro

my breath is bad 100% 10 out of 10 days how does anyone have good breath what do you guys do all day you brush your teeth and you just fucking just breathe through your mouth like that all day and not eat a damn thing I can't smell anything like I think I think my smelling sense is like compromised pretty much so like I can't smell my own breath and when people I don't ever smell anyone else's breath so I just think it's not breath and when people I don't ever smell anyone else's

breath so I just think it's not a thing anymore but I always know deep down that my breath smells like shit so I'm constantly like looking for like mints that's that's my whole day it's just like scavenging for mints if someone has a mint I'm like damn you ever like kind of hate somebody and then they talk to you and they have bad breath and you're like, I fucking I will kill you. Or if you're in a bad mood and you smell somebody's bad breath, you're like, I'm done with everything. I quit. I had a couple of those moments and I was like, I can't be that guy that makes someone else want to quit because their breath smells like fucking pudding or something. Oh, my God.

My friend told me one time he put a mask over his face, not because he was like scared of getting sick because my breath smelled so bad. It was Derek James. He's like, bro, your breath smelled so bad that I had to put, I like wear my mask.

I was like, bye. Never talking to you again. Don't deserve it Saturday National Jamaican Patty Day The word patty I can't National Mustard Day Mustard

Oh shit Some people really fucking hate mustard man i love it you ever change somebody's mind on like a like something like that it makes you feel so good my friend used to hate mustard hate mustard he hated mustard and i was just making turkey sandwiches like it was my fucking job one day and i was putting mustard on each one. I was like, have one. I'd like a little bit of turkey. On the buns, you know the buns you buy, like hamburger buns,

they're super low-key and so soft. Just any grocery store. Like the grocery store brand hamburger buns that are just like fluffy, and you're just like, fuck yeah. Putting turkey on those with cheese and a little bit of mustard and then like a chips for the side what's better than that that's a summer fucking lunch bitch that's a summer lunch anyway we're just i was just i would make those every day every single day and i was like here have one he had one he was like it's pretty good i was like wait it has mustard on i thought you didn day. And I was like, here, have one. He had one. He was like, it's pretty good. I was like, wait, it has mustard on it.

I thought you didn't like mustard. He was like, it's not bad. I was like, I put mustard on the weirdest shit. Sometimes when I'm at Subway, I'm like, okay, I'll take a tomato basil wrap, two eggs, onions, green pepper, tomatoes, salt and pepper. And he's like, and he, geez, salt and pepper. And he's like, any cheese? That's all they ask, bro. They look at me like I have fucking 14 dicks on my face every time I don't get cheese.

They're like, no cheese? I'm like, no! Who said I have to get? They think I'm a demon when I don't get cheese. And at the end, I'm like, and can you put one line of mustard on it? They like double take me and they're like, is it right here? And they point to the mustard and I'm't get cheese. And at the end, I'm like, and can you put one line of mustard on it? They like double take me and they're like, and they point to the mustard. I'm like, yeah.

And they're like, they act like I'm like the craziest person that's ever lived. I'm like, sorry. I like mustard. I'll put it on anything though. Mustard on eggs. For some reason, that's my shit

why is that so good I could eat a bowl of scrambled eggs with mustard on top and be like yeah and then I'm like I don't know why my breath smells fuck Sunday National Frozen Custard Day

I don't care what it is. What kind of ice cream you're into. If it's frozen yogurt, frozen custard, frozen sherbert. By the way, the spelling of sherbert. Can we chill? Just every single time somebody's like Have you tried this ice cream? Have you tried this ice cream place? This new ice cream place? Handles bro

Have you tried handles? Handles in the south I'm like hey Dairy Queen is always the best It's so good dude The moment I had soft serve Ice cream after eating like scooped Ice cream I was like why would cream After eating like scooped ice cream I was like why would they ever Even have scooped ice cream

Imagine if there was like Rocky Road and it came out of a soft serve Thing you'd be like That's fire Like why can't they do that have chunks Of shit in soft serve There'd be a blizzard Shut up

Mimi at DQ. That's what I sing after. They're like, oh my God, come to Grater's. Come to Handel's. It's the best ice cream you'll ever have. It's like really popular in the South and on the West Coast. And I have one here now. We should go.

This is what I sing. Meet me at DQ. Or else I will kill you. Oh, meet me at DQ you Oh, oh, oh Meet me at DQ Kill, kill, kill All right, y'all. That's Shot 170,

Espresso Podcast with Ben Polizzi. Thanks for listening. I love you guys. Remember to follow on YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, Cameo, all at Benedict Polizzi. Rate, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, Cameo, all at Benedict Polizzi. Rate, review, subscribe. I've got shows all weekend at Helium downtown Indianapolis.

And I'll be coming around wherever you want me to, too. If you listen to this podcast and you're in a different city, let me know and I'll come do comedy there. Okay. I'll talk to you guys next week. so you