Espresso - moment you realized you were poor

Episode Date: February 6, 2025

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We made a the probably the best decision I've ever made in my entire life. Dude, wait out pros cons. I've never thought anything through this much in my entire life, dude. Frosted fudge cakes. Whatever it was, I know it's because we are we are we are the youth of the. Oh, this is a espresso podcastpresso Podcast Shot 353. I'm your girlfriend Benny who just realized he eats four birds every single day.

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Hey, can we get to the question we talk please can we talk? God dang espresso cook cook cook question of the week What's the moment you realized you were kind of poor? mmm Poor gang everybody's a little poor. You know I don't really know if my family was poor. We were just normal If my family was poor we were just normal But we just never spent any money I'm like, I don't know the whole the whole time I was growing up. I thought my mom just had $60. That's it

Every day I was like man we're working we're working on a tight but like nothing and honestly it feels kind of good to live that way. He likes being bored. I'm living like that right now and it feels good. I'm like, I'm not buying any more coffee. One day I just woke up and I was like, I'm not buying coffee anymore. I'm only cooking food too. Poor gang.

Dude, poor gang feels so good sometimes. Just in the back of your mind, you're like, I'm doing the right thing. What's a moment you realized you report me just now? But for me, I can specifically remember one time like me and my both my sisters all had acne at the same exact time. And my mom wasn't going for like proactive. She wasn't buying us proactive

We had to like we begged for it She she didn't do it or maybe we had it one time and like I Think we bleached all the towels in the house and she wouldn't buy it again or something like that So we just started putting toothpaste all over our zits putting toothpaste all over our zits. On some home remedy, I think toothpaste on zits works better than anything out there. But that's when I realized, when I went to school and showed up first period, walked into my homeroom

classroom and I still had crest on my chin, I was like, you know what, I don't know if anybody else is doing this. What's the moment you realized you were kind of poor? Were you a crest face? Did you have crest dots? Tera. Ooh, the moment we realized that we're kind of poor.

So I'm one of six kids, I'm the oldest. Six, six, two. And I would have to say I was five and my dad would get me up and my brother up super early on Saturday morning to go to Meyer, which if you grew up in the Midwest, you already know what that is. Donuts? And we would get like a donut.

Yes. And that's how he would get us to agree to go with him to come grocery shop. Now that's not the part that keyed me out on the fact that we were poor. I figured out we were kind of poor when my dad is literally having us like price check everything per ounce. Oh, look at this box of Rice-A-Roni. It's five cents more than this one. We should obviously buy this.

You never wanna not check these little tags because that's how they get you. Anyway, hope someone out there can relate. Thanks for listening. Gosh, dude. How come when I was a kid, I thought donuts were $6 a donut? Are they honestly 62 cents?

When I was a kid, I thought donuts were bricks of gold. And honestly, they are. That's one thing that is not expensive anymore, donuts. Everything else gets so much more expensive. There's a little bakery in Indianapolis. Donuts are 13 cents. You can go in there with a dollar and walk out with two dozen donuts. I'm like, how is this place still here? Best donut I've ever had in my life too. I was my mind was blown 18 years old walk into a bakery expect expecting to spend $40

By my whole entire football team donuts. They're like that's 1399 Donuts and big-screen TVs walked by an 84 inch big screen TV in Walmart like a, like I've never seen a bigger TV that you can buy. Biggest thing I've ever seen in my life. $284. How? No, it's so weird to me that TV, like no one cares about,

I mean everybody, you have to have a TV. They're just like yeah, whatever Something I hate dude, hey when your rich friend pay poor poor people poor people podcasts when you went to your rich friends house And they had a projector on the wall and you were like, it's not that good But deep down you're like I kind of wish I had one Now my mom was price checking hard. You know what my mom's favorite activity was at my, if I couldn't, if I lost my mom at the store,

you know what I did? I just went to the sale rack in the back corner of the store. I was like, I know where to find her. You accidentally start reading some like comic books at the store. Dude, that used to be it. Always doing, always messing with the things I couldn't have at the store. You wanted, you wanted to buy, you wanted grapes? Too bad. You eat them in the store because we're not buying them. Too expensive.

Grapes. I'll eat 77 grapes in one lap around the fruit Bye, this is free Those little candy containers remember those containers that used to have in every grocery store with just just a scoop That metal scoop that was like tethered to the container and you're supposed to like scoop out candy and put it in bags and Then weigh it out. and then weigh it out. Come on, weigh it out. You want me to weigh chocolate? Way chocolate before I buy it.

You're way out of your mind. The amount of that shit I was putting in my pockets pockets walk around in the store with 14 chocolate covered raisins in my mouth Not talking to anybody but just drooling down my face Riding bikes, did you ever take a bike for a spin in Meyer? Did you ever take a bike for a spin in Meyer? It felt like it felt illegal to ride a bike in a store. I'm like I got to test it out. Not no chance I was going to buy it ever. But like pretty nice bike.

Pretty nice bike. I want to see how far I can take a bike in a store. New YouTube video. How how how how long can I ride this bike in a target without getting escorted out? How many laps? Toradie target how many laps? 62 laps around target just checking it out. You never know. I you never know. I gotta get used to this thing I'm checking the speeds Price check in dude all the way and that my mom was at my mom was

Chillin VIP by the sales rack and I was like, I don't even know if we need any of this stuff Mark jet puffed marshmallows. I was like I Jelly, I mean My dad was buying anything dude, my dad had no filter. He was just going. He didn't care. He did not care.

My dad sometimes I thought he was doing the opposite of my mom. I was like, oh, you're just doing this because mom said so like so cheap. You're just going crazy. God, just give me the Flintstone push pops once is all I'm saying. You know, just once. Never. God damn. I think I think my mom thought Flintstone pushups push pops were eighty four dollars. Oh, the moment we hold on.

Here we go. Yeah, I remember when I was growing up, I was young. I was like seven. And there was a time where like, I knew my dad had lost his job, but we were like, you know, eating beans and rice for like every meal. They were so cheap at the time. So it was like every like, seemed like four to five times a week, it was like beans and rice, and you know, maybe something else added with it. But I was like, I never really understood it as a kid. I just remember asking, like, why do we keep having the same food? And, you know, parents try to like,

make some sort of excuse. But yeah, that was now as I got older, I see like, yeah, I see why now. Yeah, I was kind of poor. Yo, was it every family? I think we all grew up the same way. I'm kinda convinced that we all had the same family. I can remember honestly thinking in my head, all we eat is spaghetti and grilled chicken, and that's it. But I was cool with it.

But I was like, man, we don't get any switch. I wonder if other people are doing that. Cause you used to see what your friends were like. I was a, man, we don't get any switch. I wonder if other people are doing that. Cause you used to see what your friends were like. I was a bring my lunch. Bring my lunch boy. My friends would have the craziest snacks. And I was kind of like, you're out of your mind for bringing that to school.

Bro, you're coming in here with a real lunchbox with a zipper on it. I think we were just smart. I'm gonna say we were just smart. I don't I think we're just smart. I'm going to say we were just smart. I don't think we were poor, maybe. But I brought my lunch to school, I think because it was cheaper. But my friend would bring his lunch

to school, too. He had the zipper lunchbox, which like kind of luxurious, luxurious, if you if you ask me that padded one, the way you just want to throw that against a wall. God, how come everything that's soft like that, I just want to clap against the wall. Like it's a car floor mat. He brought a sandwich, usually on the bread that had like sesame seeds on it. I was like, oh Who's your dad is your dad Jim Harbaugh?

Is your dad Jim Harbaugh is your dad Tom Brady? Sesame seed bun like a club sandwich dude Sesame seed bun. Like a club sandwich, dude. Like, you know a sandwich that you like really go down, like you get from a Callister's, that's like what he had. I was like, bro that is special. And it doesn't end there. He gets a, he has a star crunch. In a bag of chips, name brand chips every single day.

Like his mom bought the party pack of chips, name brand chips every single day. Like his mom bought the party pack of chips. You know the rich kids, you go to their house and they'd have like the assortment variety pack of chips like in the cardboard thing with the plastic on top. They got Cool Ranch, they got Nacho Cheese, they got barbecue Lay's, they got regular Lay's. I was like, bro, you live in a concession stand? All my friends. Dude, the moment I realized I was poor is when my friends a concession stand all my friends dude

The moment I realized I was poor is when my friends would come to my house and be like dog. What do you eat? Bro, I just eat what my mom eats I Go outside play football with myself all day and then come inside and eat Triscuits and drink wine That's what I do. Fourth grade, 12 years old, wine lips and Triscuits. Wine lips and Triscuits, wine lips and Triscuits, wine lips and Triscuits, what, what, what? Wine lips and Triscuits, wine lips and Triscuits, wine lips and Triscus, wine lips and Triscus. But.

Kind of a heater, though. I don't know, man. It's always that you're saying rice and beans, rice and beans. It's always that stuff that hits, though. It's always really the cheap stuff that hits. I tried to challenge myself the whole month of January. I was like, I'm not gonna eat out once and I'm not gonna get coffee once. And it was easy and it made me feel good.

And all I did was eat eggs, ground turkey, and rotisserie chickens. He eats five birds a day. But I was like, this is all I need. I don't need anything else. There's nothing wrong with this. Oh, rice and beans? Kind of all I think about.

Every time I'm hungry, I'm like, what if I just had a bunch of rice and beans, like seasoned well? I don't know, dude. Maybe I'm just, I like being poor. Okay, this question just made me laugh out loud for real. This is a good one. So yes, I have an older brother.

His name is Eric. And back in the day, whenever you used to shop at Aldi, that was when you kind of knew you were poor. So we used to shop at Aldi. And then also, it's called the commissary. It's on Air Force bases. And so my family's military. And so we used to shop at Aldi. And then we used to shop at the commissary. Well, at Aldi, that was where like all the obviously like off brand stuff is. And so when my brother would like, he was a cold lunch packer.

Whenever he would, you know, get his lunch out and stuff like that, he always had like the generic version of things. And so for the longest time, my brother was referred to as generic Eric. Oh, that goes hard. Since that I was like, hmm, we might be a little different.

We might be a little poor. Another one is the fact that I was cold lunch my entire school career. Always cold lunch, always packed my lunch. We always had snacks hidden. My parents always hid the snacks so like we wouldn't eat them throughout like the week, like after school and stuff like that. Good lord designated for school lunches. So like I realized then we definitely were a

little poor. And then the fact that we were never allowed to have fast food. Like we never had fast food. And the only time we could have fast food was when we were driving to the airport super early in the morning, whenever we would go to like nationals, like dance competitions. Which should have been an indicator that we weren't born. The fact that we danced

and we could still do nationals and stuff like that. But the only time we could have fast food was whenever we would be going early in the morning to the airport. And we were able to get McDonald's. And we thought that that fire was like everything. We thought that was the coolest stuff like we thought we were so rich But indeed we were like that's kind of poor behavior Hey is McDonald's still really is it though? How come it's all I think about still what we're all of us raised in a drive-thru. It's all I think about is in Dollar they don't even have dollar moneys like that anymore.

Dude, I remember 49 cent cheeseburger day at McDonald's. And I don't know if it was just like my local McDonald's. God, I feel like I was just raised at McDonald's. Every time I passed it, just staring at it, drooling. 49 cent cheeseburger day at McDonald's, we ordered 50, put them all in the freezer, just ate them all week. And I swear to God, it was almost better the second time around.

Fresh ones, good. I mean, come on. Come on. The onions, the cheese, the cheeseburger. My mom would mess around and get a vanilla shake, not really tell anybody. We'd all have a sip on the way home. Shhh. Burgers going in the fridge. Next day at school felt like a weirdo brought a burger to school. I was like, what the hell? I was like, dude, just, it's a long story.

Do you guys not know about 49 cent cheeseburger and McDonald's? Like am I the only person? Forget it, dude. The things I used to bring to school, people would act like I was just, I took a saxophone out of my brown bag paper lunch. Brown paper lunch bag.

phone out of my brown bag paper lunch brown paper lunch bag i'm like dude it's just a sandwich from last night damn i brought a piece of pizza after the super bowl i brought a piece of pizza to school oh my god i was like jesus christ dude it's like i'm eating a tuba or something did you see did you see it's just pee or something. Did you see? Did you see? It's just P. With stuff cross out. Ha ha. Sorry, real fast. I thought of another one we used to during the summertime. Tell me, tell me, baby. All of our parents and we would ask if we could have like certain treats,

like if we could have certain treats. If we had ice cream sandwiches in the freezer or popsicles or if in the rare case we ever had soda at our house, we always had Kool-Aid. We would have to ask to have whatever treat it was. We could eat all the apples, fruit, whatever it was we wanted, but if it was. Like we could eat all the apples, fruit, whatever it was we wanted, but if it was like a sweet treat,

like we had to call up our parents at work, ask for them. That's such a crazy phone call. And then ask if we could have whatever treat we wanted. Again, kind of poor behavior. I was never, you're talking about going to Aldi. My family was never Aldi poor. I've been to Aldi before. I went to Aldi in college and I was never you're talking about going to all the my family's never Aldi poor I've been to Aldi before I went to Aldi in college and I was like, oh, this is insane

This is crazy. This is a different level I had a frozen pizza from Aldi and I was like taste kind of poor and I don't know how you do that with frozen pizza I'm not above Aldi, but my first Aldi experience. I was like, I think I'm gonna throw up I also was hungover didn't help at all bro you go somewhere hungover that place is never the same I can't go I can't walk into a Coles anymore without feeling hungover I'm like oh god what happened what what did it when did I come in here last Jesus Jesus Yeah, just begging begging for little Debbie treats I can remember hiding them

My mom would buy diet Mountain Dew bro, we would sneak them Like it was money My friend I did I had to bait my friends to come over And I'd be like my mom bought diet Mountain Dew just so they could be like alright, alright, let's go yes I'll play football today with you in your backyard. Did your mom have diet Mountain Dew? Yeah, we're in I Thought about this the other day. This isn't this has nothing to do with being poor just poor planning One time my mom was kind of mad at me told my friend to come over And I was like my mom will say yes, he's half what he's on the way he gets dropped off and I go back to my mom. I'm like is it cool if

If Aaron comes over She's like, no. And in my head I'm like, he's at the house. So my friend just has to hide outside the house. So I'm like trying to like every hour, every like, not hour, but every like 30 minutes, 15 minutes, I'm like going outside, check it like, just like not hour, but every like 30 minutes, 15 minutes, I'm like going outside, check it, like just like hanging out with him.

He's on like the side of my house chilling. And then I go back inside and like kind of like kind of like gas up my mom. Be like, so when do you think he can come over? She's like, he can't come over. And he was just he literally staked outside of my house for like five hours until I was finally like He's here And then my mom the whole time he was at our house was like mad and I was like

Oh my god, I was telling my friend all this shit So my friends is at my house. My mom doesn't want him there. He knows that she knows that and I'm just like well play Madden Had to sneak my friend over Other people sneak girls over I was like nah, this is my best friend all we're gonna do is like play play flag football with my neighbors, but Now he's just like camping out on my side yard. What's up, though? I'd go out there and be like do you

want something to eat? We got like carrots. We don't have any food bro. Maybe I can sneak you a diamond. Ah we don't have that either. We got lemonade. He's like it's it's 30 degrees. I'm like ah shit. So wild. I think the problem with me like you can always judge if you're rich or poor by like what you have like what kinda orange juice you have I think. You got simply orange juice like your dad's a doctor. Your mom has a job too. For sure. She works at like a she's a nanny or some shit. You know she has like a job, but it's not like a real job She's doing some

trading stocks Simply orange juice dude we had the orange juice that remember this you had to like take it out of like the cardboard cylinder thing and put it in a pitcher and then like smash it up. What was that about? And you mix it up with like a big ass spoon thing, put water in there and that's how we had orange juice? Like we're at that level of like, nah, we weren't even buying Tropicana girl.

I remember Tropicana was like when I saw people at Tropicana, I was like, yo, I bet that tastes so good. With pulp, never mind. Pulp just completely ruining shit. I haven't had orange juice with pulp in like 20 years. What is that still a thing? What happened to pulp? Nobody really liked it, right? My sister always liked orange juice with pulp.

I was like, you gotta have something wrong with you. That is so weird. It's like, why wouldn't you just want it without it? Yeah, but anytime we had something good, I don't think we could ever have good stuff because I would eat it all in seven seconds. We got ice cream sandwiches? Well, no we don't think we could ever have good stuff because I would eat it all in seven seconds. We got ice cream sandwiches. Well, no, we don't Give me one night with a box of ice cream sandwiches when I'm 13. Come on

See ya brown fingers all night. What's up? Hey Waving at people. Oh my god. Does he have a does he have a bear claw on his hand? Oh No, no, no, he just had eight ice cream sandwiches in 10 minutes. Who's not? I swear when grapes entered my house, it was like, ffff, there's like a bunch of those bugs, you know when bugs see a fresh carcass on the ground,

they all just ffff, and they scatter, it's just bones. My family with grapes. Grapes didn't stand a chance! Fudge rounds had to hide them behind like the canned goods you know. Dude go to my dad's house right now there's probably like three fudge rounds in the back of the pantry behind the chunky soup. it dude now one's from 2002 thought my homies were coming over stashed some fudge rounds Gotta do what you gotta do. They were so good Favorite little Debbie. I know that can't be an espresso question of the week, but god dang man There's so many and I could talk about it for so long

because I'm poor. But the first time, it was like summer. It's just the things I had to do for like normal stuff. Everybody was like this though, I'm pretty sure. It took like five years of work to get a GameCube. I think GameCubes were 200 bucks at the time, which like, bro, I don't really know if that's that much, I mean, 200 bucks, it seemed like 200 bucks a long time ago,

so a ton of money, but 200 bucks, it might have been 180. Like five years of landscaping, like I had to get on honor roll. Like it was a it was insane. The things you had to do. I think I think I didn't I think I cleaned the house for a week straight to get little Debbie Frosted Fudge Cakes. Little Debbie Frosted Fudge C. Little Debbie frosted fudge cakes. I remember going into Marsh and my mom was like,

you can get them. You guys can pick one. Me and my sister went up to the little Debbie like section, you know, cause there's so many and the packaging is just banging. You tell me that doesn't stop you in your tracks when you're in the grocery store. You're walking by Little Debbie and you see that Cosmic Brownie package?

Hold on. Dude, I'll sit there for six minutes and be like, yo, strawberry shortcake looks, I don't even like it. They got like cherry pies. I'm like, I don't even like that, but I get that She's like you can get one You my sister both made up we met in the middle we made it we made a the probably the best decision I've ever made in my entire life dude wait out pros cons I've never thought anything through this much in my entire life, dude

I've never thought anything through this much in my entire life, dude Frosted fudge cakes Frosted and we walked him up to we found my mom there. She has with the cart. She's with the cart She's over there with the cart. She's always in like the cold. She's always like by the chicken You know like in the produce. It's like not a good area. You're like Did we walked over there like I walked over there like Moses with the 10 commandments. Frosted fudge She's in my sister chimed in she's like

Frosted fudge My mom was still like kind of mad wreck she's she even gonna let us buy him anymore oh Hey, I've restarted this about three times now. Yeah, hope this is the final one be like that anyways Can't wait to see you in Rochester coming up. Yeah, Buffalo gonna travel a little bit spend the night. I love you anyway um When I realized I was poor it was when my older brother brought me over to one of his friend's house. He played varsity football with these, you know, twin boys anyways. Twins did. A little sister and my brother had to watch me for something. So he brought me over to their house. And it was the biggest house I've probably ever been in

in my tiny life at the time. I knew I was poor because this house had two stairwells. Oh, that's so crazy. You know, like the heavy traffic one from the kitchen to like the bedrooms, but then there was the grand stairwell that nobody fucking knew. Frivolous. All I wanted to do was spend my entire time at this house on this stairwell because it was so big and it was so grand.

It had like red carpet, of course, and I could like break dance out there and it's literally bigger than my current apartment. So yeah, I think about this stairwell all the time. That's how I knew I was poor with my one lonely rickety stairwell that I probably fell off like eight times. But yeah, I love you.

See you soon. God, I love you more. Ta-ha-ha. Bye. The way I actually love every single person that leaves a voice message or even listens, I took a hundred percent. Dude, when you once said, dude, there's this dude at the at the Brea show. He's like, dog, I listen to the podcast.

And I was like, these guys. And he goes, I'm fam, bro. I think I almost thought, dude, I almost I Wanted to I think I hugged him so hard. I left like marks. I Love you. His girlfriend was just looking at us. I was like dude. I don't know but this is for us you you turn away God dang Two stairwells is I Mean What are you doing that you need... are you a high school? Bro, two stairwells is a little much. How many people live in the family? Four? Two stairwells?

And it's just like, dude, you remember vacuuming steps? Oh, holy manual labor. That was insane. For us, it was like, all right, you vacuum upstairs and downstairs, I'll get the stairs because stairs is like, I'm gonna have to like plan my day around this. Remember the only thing you had to do all day was vacuum stairs, What a life.

But like I never got it right. I never got it right. I always had to do it like four times and it was still like bits and pieces not there. I was like, oh my God. Yeah, I got to plug the vacuum in upstairs. I got to put it on the seventh step, vacuum the stairs, unplug the vacuum. Now the cord's hanging down from the balcony and I gotta unplug it, put it in the downstairs bathroom outlet so it goes on the, so I can meet in the middle and it won't reach. So I like really have to make some weird noise stretches. Stairwell smells like a bouncy ball now. And yeah, still didn't really do it right

Then you got two stairwells dude just I'm good Sometimes I just understand why people have like one story houses. We had a one story house for a little bit Kind of kind of nice you get that one story fresh house when your parents get divorced you're like this is all we need this is all we need right but I was always looking around like how the hell do we afford any of this you know even now I own everything in my apartment I was like how the hell did I buy all this shit? You ever do that you ever just look around be like

This is all my shit, I guess I guess I don't I don't know I guess okay, I Own all this stuff weird But when you're a kid, and you're like okay, we got a TV We got like an oven. How do we how do we get that oven? Like we pay for that. That's crazy. Like we got a dog. We have a dog.

How do we pay every day? I was like, I don't I don't want to know, but we're just rocking with it. I don't know. Two stairwells, absolutely insanity. Just who is your dad? Regis Philbin? Jesus Christ, dude. It was the people with the, like, you could tell who was rich

by their Christmas decorations too. Like if they're ballin' out, icicle lights, tall Christmas tree, like in the tall room. Some rich people have a tall room and you're like damn Those ceilings are high Put the Christmas tree in there it's just like Did you did the mall send you their stuff that they aren't using anymore? How did it where and how did you get all this Christmas stuff? And when did you have time to set it up?

And when did you have time to set it up? But I went to my friend's house a lot, lived in our neighborhood, so couldn't have been that much more. But I think they were like downplaying their rich, you know, they had like a good house. I grew up in a neighborhood where like the houses were good. They were good. They weren't like, oh, badass neighborhood. It was just like a decent neighborhood.

It wasn't like an old neighborhood, though. Proud of that. Proud of that. We had like a newer neighborhood. It was just like a decent neighborhood. It wasn't like an old neighborhood though proud of that proud of that We had like a newer neighborhood Dude lived halfway around the circle. I was at his house all the time. Why because they had a PlayStation and I thought this was like I thought this was like I Went over there and I could not even you have this at your house. I just wait Wait, house. I just wait, wait, bro. I couldn't wrap my head around this and I still kind of can't.

You can just turn that on and play video games all day. He's like, yeah. I was like, dude, the way I can only get on the computer for like 10 minutes. And then I had to wash dishes to like earn another, dude, it was insane. I was over there so much. Basketball court on the outside with the gorilla goal, had to be rich. Breakaway rim.

PlayStation on the inside. Meatball subs every night. I was like, why would I leave? I was at their house when they were setting up Christmas decorations one time And I was like yo, I uh, yeah, let's do it. I'll help Bro, i'm telling that's when I realized that it was on another level I was like you guys have a red christmas bugs bunny toilet seat for the guest bathroom

lit seat for the guest bathroom. Ride my bike back over to my house, wreath on the door, not even lit up. I was like, oh, well, I know where we stand. How come it always gets sad and then the next voice message won't play? This is my second take because I swallowed like three times in the last one and you could hear it. And I just couldn't even handle myself.

She's got a toad in her throat. I realized I was going to cry when I moved from Minnesota to Arizona like five years ago. And oh my god, I'm going to do it again. I'm going to swallow. I'm so sorry. Do it. This is gross.

You won't. I don't know why it's so weird. Do it. This is gross, I'm sorry. You won't. I don't know why I have so much spray in my mouth. Oh my God, why is it so loud? Anyway, and people down here, they like actually care about their cars and they buy like brand new cars. When I was growing up, I loved being poor.

All my parents really cared about, they were like, okay, what's the cheapest thing we can buy that's going to help us survive the winter and the icy roads in case someone rolls their car and crashes into a light post? I did both of those things within six months. Anyway, and- Relatable. Then I got down here and I was like, oh my God. People actually give a shit about their cars

and they buy more expensive parts to make their cars even cooler. Who gives a shit? It's crazy. And it still jolts me every time someone's like, oh yeah, I just bought a 2025. I'm like, what? You bought a brand new fucking car?

I'm so down with you. And then you realize you were a millionaire. Kind of crazy because we're both bartenders at the same restaurant. How do people buy anything? Good for you? Yeah. I'm so... yes I agree 100%. Where's everybody getting all this money? And what am I doing wrong? I can't be that far off. No one's doing anything and everybody's buying like, you got a new car, bro. When people get a new car, my mind is just,

wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. We both work at the same place and you just got a 2025. I don't even care what it is. If it's a 2025, it was so much money. I'm like, you just had that? I don't know, man. Maybe I'm living inside just a box I made in my head, but like You're so right when people people care about their car. I don't give a shit about my car, dude. I

If it wasn't for me doing who's buying this videos inside of my car and trash in the inside of it I would never get a car wash Who cares? the inside of it I would never get a car wash who cares who's ever been like his car's like dirty oh my god flexing a car you got to have so when people have more than one car I'm like dog I just got to know hey, can you put me on like? What do you do? What do you and I feel like the people that are like our same level are I feel like we're working the heart like working And I'm like what?

How does everybody else have three different cars in a huge? But how does everybody else have three different cars and a huge... You have a studio of a... Who's paying for that? Dude, I just... I think... I kind of think everybody's parents are paying for their shit sometimes. Like some girls that I know, I'm like, there's no way, bro. There's no way.

How do you do this? How do you afford it? How do you afford this? I'm not asking, but like in the back of my head, I'm like, because I know you don't How do you afford it? How do you afford this? I'm not asking but like in the back of my head. I'm like, I know you don't do shit My throat you hear that full circle my throat was like mmm. Jesus Christ so throats.com that I was kind of poor when I was in fifth grade and I had to move schools,

like move neighborhoods, and I started going to my new classmates' houses and I was like, oh my God, I didn't know that houses could be this big. I live with my grandma and I share a room with my mom. So I am poor, it turns out. God, why does that, I promise, why does that feel right though to do that? Anytime I'm doing poor stuff and saving money, I'm like, this is the right thing to do though.

Every time I buy something and it's a little too much, I'm like, I feel guilty, man. Maybe some people don't feel guilt for doing that, but Jesus Christ. I'm like, get the worst place. Dude, my whole mind is set up for like simple and cheap. And I, I know my parents just put it in my brain, but every time I move anywhere, I'm like, okay, I need to be somewhere where I can walk to the gym

and walk to where I where I work or I'm not live or I'm not live moving like if I can't walk to the gym if I have to spend gas money to go to the gym god that just sounds backwards to me any anytime I've ever lived anywhere recently when I could like make decisions It's been close to a restaurant that I've worked at and close to Jim walking bang bang. I can't Driving to a gym just seems like I just I can I mean I used to do it But like I was miserable on that drive should have been in so many wrecks

But like I was miserable on that drive should have been in so many wrecks I don't know. I'll probably never flex some One day one day one day when we're rich off the pod Cuz we all benefit the fam the fam all benefits The day ones know you guys are the day one. I think I'm still gonna be a little cheap ass bitch. All I need to do is live near stuff I need to go to. My only thing I need is I need to live on a busy street

for some reason. Cause if I lived in an apartment like like kind of like it like hidden Like off in the suburbs. I think I would maybe die Like you ever pass a weird apartment complex and you're like, you know You know Like it looks nice probably because all the apartments looks nice now cuz I look the same and they're all really cheap Yeah, I think I could kick through a new apartment wall, for sure. Pfft, pfft, pfft.

Oh shit, whoops, like on accident. You ever see one of those weird apartment complex that like looks nice, but it's like in the middle of a cornfield? You're like, ugh. Ew. I like, how do you not blow your brains out in there? It's like all quiet.

I'm like, what is there? Everybody's just working from home in here. Like give me some energy or something. I don't know. That's all I need really. All I need is homeless people screaming outside of my window. When did I know I was poor?

A few things stand out. I love it. I'm gonna say three. All my friends are poor. I love it. One, I lived in just about 20 different places growing up. I love it. All my friends are poor. I love one. I lived in just about 20 different places growing up. I knew something was going on.

And what's going on? If you're ready to hear this, but now can't wait. I fucking hate moving. You can't make me move like how do people move so often across the country? daunting task. I mean, do you just leave your shit in places? I think some people do. But yeah, number two. One time as a kid, I got shoes at Dollar General. All right, there we go.

And now we're talking poor. We still have a clothing department at Dollar General, but go into the dollar store. Yeah, I'll be over in footwear. My dream job to work in footwear at DSG. Oh, no, just haven't paid me over the mic. They were, I think they were Dunlops shoes. If you remember. Hell, yeah.

They don't really make it. Tense. Like all the others, but shout out to them. And the number three. This is, I mean, kind of an okay one, but shout out to him and the number three This is I mean kind of an okay one, but definitely poor I got a winter coat at a thrift shop as a kid The bright side rose said it was really a magic star shut up so that you spoiled brat

Yeah, those are instances where I knew I was poor. Bring out some more beer. Oh, I got about 40 ounces more. Maybe a whole six-pack Sky They obey He might be poor but he'll always be one of my buds Gee Steve shoes from Dollar General. Who knew? Dude, what if you went in there to buy shoes

at Dollar General and you're like, you guys have any more in the back? Imagine the face they would make at you. So do you guys have any size 12s in the back? Dunlops? I remember getting shoes at Value City. Dude, my mom would tear up a Value City. City dude my mom would tear up a value city. I'd be looking at the jerseys in value city like yo they got a Kansas City Chiefs but then I'll be like

defected you know I mean there'd be a Kansas City Chiefs and I'd be like yo and there'd be no number on the back. I'd be like, god damn it, dude. Everything in value city. I can't find a value city steal. Let me get a find a value city one time. Nope. They'd all you value cities always gonna value city. Jesus value city, bro. Where'd you grow up? What part of the What part of the country did you grow up? Which... which... where were you? Where are you from? Value City. Everything kind of messed up at Value City.

God, I just want to know how much time I spent there. When Value City went out of business, I was like, oh my god, like what are we gonna do as a country? What are we gonna do as a family? Got shoes from Valley City. He'll never remember. I'll never forget that. I know they had to be like $21 I asked somebody at the comedy story yesterday. What the how they knew their poor I was feeling out the question a little bit. I was like knew they were poor. I was feeling out the question a little bit. I was like, what's the moment you realize you're poor and he was like, yo, I bought toothpaste from Dollar General. And I'm like, dude, you rich bitch. That's every day. Dude, if you didn't grow up with 89 cent toothpaste, if you didn't grow up with aim,

I didn't grow up with AIM. How good was AIM? AIM was cheap and it tasted so good that my rich friend was like, damn, you guys have good toothpaste. And I was like, he thinks we're rich. You can kind of tell by people's toothpaste, too, if they're rich or not. The people that had that Aqua Fresh toothpaste, that was different colors, you squeeze it different like

It doesn't come in a tube. It comes in like a rocket ship. You remember that? white green red Looks like a party. I was like who's buying this? Honestly, my cousins had it. I was like, oh, I cannot wait to brush my teeth. Maybe that's why they did it I was like, oh, I cannot wait to brush my teeth. Maybe that's why they did it I'd be hyped to brush my teeth at my cousin's I was like, I'm gonna eat this remember You just used to swallow toothpaste or was I the only one doing that? I Used to take down a whole tube just swallowing it. What's up? And one day my aunt was like you're not spitting and I was like

What are you talking about? So you're supposed to spit that out and I was like your toothpaste is so good I was just swallowing it because like In my head. I was like they're gonna trust everybody to spit this out every time. I was taking that down. I Was like if it makes my breasts if it makes my mouth smell good I'm just gonna swallow it said with my breath will smell good the whole day Made my stomach hurt so bad for so many weeks It still is insane that they expect four-year-old kids or five-year-old kids to brush their teeth and not swallow that I

Was just guzzling aqua fresh I was like man this shit this is this is honestly a birthday party in my mouth It's a party in my mouth You know I'm talking about though. They're like you press it. There's a there has a convertible top fucking oh You're my toothpaste is Iron Man who made my who- who made Aquafresh? Tony Stark? Kshh-vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv Thank you. No problem, sir. I'm like, what happened to this aim? The brokest I've ever been is when I was at college at IU and I had to go out to the bars and we just pretended we were on a bar girl and made up our own fake list of when we told a blonde girl she had to buy us a shot, a brunette girl she had to buy us a shot, a redhead she had to buy us two shots.

And we did that all night and surprisingly it worked and it was the best night of our lives. Oh, yeah, you got a good plan, dude You had a killer plan Who put that together That's like some some lieutenant work Captain America made your plan going out and can tell he only just watched one movie. That is the OG trick though. I don't know one person that was just going out when they're

younger buying shots. That's unbelievable amounts of money. You get turned at the house before you leave everybody knows that. Like way hard, like too hard, because you're not buying anything when you're out. That's insane. I still think it's crazy.

I was never friends with anybody that had going out money. We would bring like flasks and stuff, and like water bottles, stuff it in our pockets, bring like flasks and stuff and like water bottles stuff it in our pockets and just get like a sprite and like pour alcohol in it like what a chore to go it just just not just why we just wasted waste in our time it was fun but like Way too many things. It's a party in the USA! How many flasks did I own and lose in 17 minutes? Because when you- when you take- I take one sip of a beer, I don't know where anything is anymore. One sip of a beer, where the hell's my wallet?

Where's my phone? Where's my flask keys? Nothing. No clue. Tip of a beer where the hell's my wallet? Where's my phone? Where's my flash keys? Nothing no clue But everybody had that friend that like worked in corporate for a little bit And he like had like money and didn't know what to do with it would just buy shots shots I'd be like I'm not saying no That one friend that would just buy you drinks all night you're like are we gonna make out after this? Do I need to make out with you after this? Are you gonna keep buying them if I don't? Because if you need me to make out with you or love you or

something like I'll do it. I'll do anything to not buy anything at a bar but boy the way I would spend money on food I would spend everything I had to my name on food breadsticks Takes one sip of beer breadsticks are 40 bucks I'll take two of them for everybody how I knew we were kind of poor is every single summer my mom would get invited to the town pool by one of her friends and Right off the bat one we didn't have a pool and two, we didn't have the town pool membership. So she would be invited as a guest and she would hide me and my brother in the trunk of her Volvo car. Nice. Encapsulated closed trunk while my sister was in front and she would

just claim my sister and her at the admission booth for two tickets While me and my brother were literally in the trunk waiting to go through the lines of cars And then the funny thing is once we got back out We never hit a lot of this went back out and they would even see us never say anything So yeah, my mom was trying to save, you know, $20 for us to swim, you know, every single day in the summer. So that clarifies us as poor. 20 bucks, 20 bucks a month.

That is it was. Did we all go to the community pool when we were kids? Right? I grew up. Everything I know today is from what someone told me at the community Greenwood Community Pool. I wonder how much that was. Just sneaking into a community pool like you're a car full of Mexicans going across the border. I love it.

Just dying, just heat stroke in the trunk of a Volvo just to get adult swim to 400 times the whole day or there. My day would be in shambles if we pulled up to the Greenwood community pool and they're like, no, something's wrong with the water. We're closed today. I'd be like, like, no, something's wrong with the water. We're closed today. I'd be like, Oh, you're you're honestly joking, right?

How weird was the locker room at a community pool? I was like, yeah, everything's wet. Everybody's naked and they don't care. I'm like, how come I've seen like so many asses? You see so much of the community pool. You're like, you got to pee in the stall. You see so much of the community pool. You're like, ew, you gotta pee in the stall? You don't have, you're at bare feet? Everything's all soggy.

You see an old guy's ass. You feel like, you feel like really, I didn't, I never felt safe in the whitest town in Indiana. I was like, ugh. There's always something weird going on. Like there's a dad brought his daughter and the daughter's in the guy's bathroom.

And I'm like, what the fuck is going on, man? I'm just trying to beg my mom for a Laffy Taffy. Got in trouble by the lifeguard. Feel weird now. Feel like I'm gonna get kicked out. Feel like I feel guilty at the pool you ever feel guilty at the pool start crying then you go underwater are you crying no I just got chlorine in my eyes but yeah best days of my life.

They really were checking that shit hard too, weren't they? I can remember like a community pool having like barbed wire at the top. I was like, good Lord. I just want to play Marco Polo on that ass. We the best convict music. We taking over, yeah. Listen. Listen.

This thing's on. Hi, the time I realized our family was poor, we weren't poor, like, I'm just gonna shit up with you. We weren't poor, but like, we definitely weren't like, wealthy, you know what I mean? We're kind of like somewhere in the middle. I feel like a lot of us in the fam were somewhere in the middle.

But I realized that growing up, looking back, my dad would go to our neighbor's house to watch The Sopranos because we never had HBO or any of the other- Hell no. ... TV channels. And then I realized it kind of later in high school because all of my girlfriends were watching Sex and the City, and it was huge when we were in high school because all of my girlfriends were watching Sex in the City and it was like huge when we were in high school and every, I don't know what day it came on, but every day it came on, I would then have to go to my friend's house to watch it. We would have like a big girls night there. And my dad, I feel bad now because my dad will be like,

yeah, when you kids were younger, I didn't get any of that crap for you guys to watch. We didn't have HBO. It wasn't because I was trying to be mean. You might think I was trying to be mean. It wasn't because I was trying to be mean. It was because I didn't want you guys watching that garbage that was on there. Oh, same dad. Everybody had the same dad.

Maybe one day you'll look back and appreciate it. That's how he explains it today. But meanwhile, I'm like, hey dad, you were going every Sunday over over to neighbor pete's house and watching the sopranos how do you explain that one anyway but thinking about thinking about hbo now like didn't they have that show real sex that was kind of wild right like nudity i can't imagine having access to that um and i'm curious if you had those stations because something tells me you did. I don't know. I feel like you did anyway. Um, miss you hunty.

Bye hunty. Have a great week hunty. No, I'd see real sex on the preview guide channel scrolling up. I'd be like, yo, what is that all about channel 99 go check it out. It just be straight static. But sometimes it would flicker and I'd be like, what are they doing? I didn't have real sex never have

But that I have a friend who had that channel Did it come in a little bit clearer than mine but not all the way clear But not all the way clear So many weird nights doing that dude staying up till 3 o'clock watching real sex and it wasn't even porn It was fake I Used to make shit up like we had those channels though. I used to lie to my friends I'd be like dude I watched Howard Stern last night and they showed everything it was like a weird like Anniversary Howard Stern and I just like showed it my friends be like no way back. Yeah, maybe it's just us

I don't know. Maybe it's just like a channel. I have made the whole thing up. He's a liar Now I looked at porn in the old-fashioned way. I found it at my grandpa's house. Alright. Amazing. We're all the same. We were born in the same poor family. And I wouldn't have it any other way, fam. We are the church, happy to be, poor as shit in the same family. Dear diary. Tough vid, tough vid this week, fam. Tough vid. Hey,

we did our best. We brought back Coach Rocco. Hey, we did our thing. We did our best. We brought back coach Rocco. Hey, we did our thing. We did our thing. We really liked the video. We bought a pizza for the video. We bought a pizza for the video. Just going to eat the pizza during the video with the whistle in my mouth.

Football coach video. I don't know if you guys know. It's on my YouTube. It's on my Instagram. Had a great time making it. Had to reshoot it. Okay, we got to buy another pizza. It's kind of a bitch went to Domino's got the pizza Like the night before so I was like I don't want to do this tomorrow I'll just get another pizza will shoot this tomorrow and then we'll put it back in da da da Go to heat up the pizza in the oven Go to heat up the pizza in the oven. Forget it's in there. Burn the pizza.

Pizza was $21. I don't know why. I decided to go Domino's but I was like I don't want to drive all the way to Little Caesar's. By the way, it took me everything. Who's not buying a Little Caesar's pizza, bro. That's gotta be the number. It's still like seven bucks $5 hot and ready. I mean it ends up being seven just cuz all that but whatever. Okay. Got a dime. Okay burnt it God damn it Tell my roommate I'm like dude, can you pick up a frozen pizza from Target real quick on your way back?

Yeah, sure put Put the pizza in. Forget it's in there. Burn it again. Pizza number four for a four second clip. Four pizzas? The fourth pizza was gas. And I like a pizza burnt too, but the pretty thing about all those pizzas is that

I didn't eat any, any of the crust. I just ripped all the cheese and pepperonis off the top and ate them like a little selfish spoiled brat. Was it the best food I've had in a month? Did I stare at the ceiling dreaming the whole time I was chewing up pepperoni and cheese? Yeah. Four pizzas burnt. Three pizzas burnt. Kill me. Three pizzas burnt. Four pizzas made. One bad video.

Show and tell. Hey. I don't know what's going on here. Your pizza's made one bad video. Show and tell, hey, I don't know what's going on here. I don't know what's going on. I have a secret admirer and they always send me stuff. Have a couple guesses on who it is, but I kinda don't wanna know either. I'm telling you, if you send me something, I kinda don't care what it is. I got a big variety pack of La Croix.

Unbelievable. Stop drinking La Croix. I like being poor. Stop drinking La Croix. Don't eat it anymore. I'm off the Croix. I'm off the bubbles, babe. Don't eat it.

God, that was a crazy, crazy. I think I went through 400 La Croix's in two weeks You should have heard my throat then Sound like a t-rex sound like a t-rex when he's hungry. He's like peeking through the trees Or else did I go? I got sent mustard. Mustard. Unbelievable present.

But this time. Secret admirer. I love you. Swedish candy. This is like that viral, I mean it was viral at one point. People were telling me all about it. They're like sold out. Valentine's Day? Look how god damn, look at this. Send me something, I'm telling you. I'll put my PO box in the description of the pod. And I'll try it on the pod. Soccer bit, love gummy mix.

See, it's all about packaging. For me, it's about the packaging. Look how easy that was. Bro, can we just go through this? I know, I know, this is... You gotta watch the YouTube. I just wish you guys could smell this shit. Okay.

Okay, first... Excuse me? This soft gummy heart? I Feel your heart beat to the beat of the drum It tastes like. Hold on. You don't chew on the pocket, Ashley. Hey, you're doing well. You're doing good.

It tastes like a strawberry shortcake. It does. And I'm not saying that just because we talked about it tastes like a strawberry shortcake. It does. And I'm not saying that just because we talked about it. It tastes like exactly like a strawberry shortcake heart. This little bottle. Is it going to taste like Coke? My God, it's root beer. It's root beer. It's root beer!

I'm gonna start sweating. Two more. Oh, shut up. This thing. Oh shut up This thing whatever this is It's like a feeling talking right here, it's almost like a twizzler flower Every go again. Swedish people, bro. I don't know what you got going on besides IKEA and this candy.

But Lord. All right, one more. One more thing and I'll shut up. This little pink ball. This is going to be gas, I know. It's hard on the outside, but just wait. This is how I act every time I eat food. Every time I eat food, I shake my head and get the chills. I think I'm a dog. I think I'm actually a dog. Like not,

not like that, but I think I'm actually a dog. Every time I eat, I think about it and I'm like, I think I'm actually a dog a dog. Alright this little pink ball tastes like pink lemonade. How do they do it? I don't know. We're going to a place nearby, I gotta go. Cringe moment of the week. Coo coo coo cringe moment of the week. How to show in Malibu.

There's a place I went in Malibu. There's a little winery. Dude asked me to do a show. It's like, let's get it. I'll never say no to a show. I don't think I ever have one time. I'll do it. Yeah, I'll do it. Who am I to turn it down?

Who do I think I am? I'll do it. Who am I to turn it down? Who do I think I am? I'll do it. Go to the show. A girl was there that works there that recognized me from last time. I was like, you again. And I was like, oh, shit, OK.

It's about to be like this. And during shows, people are doing stand up. I was the last guy to go. Felt cool. Did you hear my throat? I sure did. I'm the last guy to go felt cool did you hear my throat I sure did I'm the last guy to go on the show so I'm like walking around there's like a gift shop there's a winery so like we're in like the clubhouse part of the winery I've done comedy shows in the weirdest places and 98% of them aren't comedy clubs they're just like weird places this

is how it goes I don't care I. I don't know. Let's get it Some comedians are picky. Oh my god, like that plate like the ceilings are high like the laughs shut up Just be funny shut up and go home. Jesus Christ So I'm in like the gift shop the girls girl's working there, she's talking to me. I'm like trying to like just like, I don't know, when you're the last person on the show, you gotta like, you're gauging the room. You're like, oh, that guy was, you know, people will crush and you're like, well, gotta outdo that.

Well, not outdo them, but you know what I mean? You're the last person. So the people expect you to, you know what I mean? There's certain standards. So I'm just like, you go to, you go to, you know what I mean? There's certain standards. So I'm just like, you good, you good, you good, you know what I mean? I'm not talking to myself. I'm talking, like I'm running through my stuff.

Like, okay, I got a joke for that, okay. Boom, boom, she's talking. She's talking to me in and out. She's being funny. She's being like delightful. She's not being annoying. And I get cold all of a sudden. I'm like, I'm gonna walk out to my car.

Before a show, I'll walk to Mississippi. I'm like, all I got is all of a sudden. I'm like I'm gonna walk out to my car before a show. I'll walk to Mississippi I'm like I all I got is like time to kill like I'm not gonna I've been to so many damn comedy shows I'm not gonna sit in the crowd like I'm moving around like it's just it's a weird situation So I go out to my car like three times sometimes and I'm like, I don't know there's still like time like there's still 40 minutes Go to my car get my jacket Raiders jacket I Was like, oh, yeah, I live in California. Let me pop this thing on throw it on walk inside everybody Oh my god, you're not a Raiders fan. Are you you're not a raid? I forget how people are so weird about that stuff I'm like dude. I just bought it like because of the colors like I don't care

Raiders Shut up Put it on the girls like oh my god No way you're a Raiders fan. I was like, yeah She's like no you just got that cuz you just moved here. I was like no I've been a Raiders fan for a long time She's like okay Okay, you know I mean I Was like I was a Raiders fan way before they moved

out of LA I was like an LA Raiders fan like I was looking at her dead in the face like trying to be like kind of hot and I was like an LA Raiders fan. Like I was looking at her dead in the face, like trying to be like kind of hot. And I was like, I was a fan when they had like Woodson, like the LA days. I said it like four times and she's, she's just looking at me like, and I was like, holy shit, what? And she goes, Oh, Glenn. Oh my God. Cuckoo, Cuckoo,c-cringe moment of the week.

He was trying to talk sports and be hot. Little did he know the Raiders are from Oakland, which is not even close to LA. Dude I feel like every time I say LA I'm thinking California. I don't know any geography. I really need to get on that. And I thought they moved, I was like, I mean, when they moved to LA. And she goes, they're in Las Vegas. I was like, dude, just shut up. Can we delete this whole conversation? You ever talk to somebody and fuck up so bad? You're like, can we start over? Can I delete this from your mind?

It was so bad, I didn't know what to say. I gotta go. I just walked, I turned in a circle and came right back. I did the three, you know when you're mad when you're a kid, you spin around three times and you lose your, you lose your mad? I had to lose my dumb. I was like, I gotta get out of here.

Spin. Just like this Okay deleted what were we talking about So dumb Let's do days Then we're going to a place nearby Thursday today shower with a friend day. Those shirts at Hot Topic that were like,

save water, share with a friend. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Pretty weird in high school honestly I Was so scared to shower next to guys I was like That's half the reason I didn't do anything growing up I was like I just don't want to see anybody naked really dude. I peed in the stall till I was like 14 Who knew Scared to death would pee in the stall every time. But then we had to start showering. I went to like a summer camp and people were showering. I was like, you guys are absolutely insane, dude.

You're getting loose in here like that? I can't shower with anybody. That's like my time. Showering with a girl is so weird. I can't shower with anybody. That's like my time Showering with a girl is so weird. I'm like I get to see your routine. I don't want you to see my routine I don't want you to know me like that, you know like what I do That's like a very personal space to me God dang, and if you saw me take a shower now you people would people's minds would be blown. I do the spray tan shower. I let it come out of the faucet like I'm filling up a bath except for the drains running and I'm

just washing myself like I'm like I'm a orphan in a well. armpits, crotch, feet, crotch, feetotch feet bye that's it Two minutes a lot of bending over a lot of Cuz I don't get my body wet spray If I'd if I had to do that little number with a girl in the shower They'd be like okay can't talk to you ever again, but I would is the thing They'd be like, okay, I can't talk to you ever again, but I would is the thing I'll break up with the girl over a spray tan

Believe that Friday frozen yogurt day where have cared about frozen yogurt hey just give me the real thing what is it healthy shut up frozen yogurt. Hey, you know who loves frozen yogurt more than anybody every single girl on the planet frozen yogurt Bruh, it's just Dairy Queen You ever see one of those frozen yogurt places that's just unmanned and it's just all like do it yourself I'm like, ew Who's been there's so many like at malls there's just a store with frozen yogurt machines on the wall and like toppings in the middle I'm like It bro no, this is that's how you know, you're mall lost its magic

How many frozen yogurt machines they got in there? Frozen yogurt stores. That's half of malls now. It's just like vending machines full of shit and like people giving massages. People doing massage chairs. How many massage chairs are in your mall? I'll tell you if it's going to like implode. Nothing makes me more pissed off than I see a mall that's all like boarded up.

I'm like, I can do anything with it. Bring back malls. Everything's coming back. Bring back malls. Fitted hats, old cars body styles baggy jeans jerseys Low-rise jeans bell bottoms everything's back Where's fries electronics, where's FYE? Where's timeout arcade?

You're just like old. Yeah, but I want to feel young again. You're like gross. Saturday. Bring back malls, bro. I want the fountain to roar again. Dude, if I was the mayor. Oh my God.

I'd build a first thing on the list build a new mall Yippee-yay Fettuccine Alfredo day, can we can we stop with that? Can we stop doing that? I don't even think I Don't need Hey doing that I don't even think I mean hey fettuccine Alfredo doesn't feel like it should be on the menu kind of feels like in impasta okay but doesn't it look at doesn't it look at all the passes rigatoni matatoni, bop a doni, bop a doni, bop a doni, but the daddy do the baddie, but the daddy that's spaghetti. Then fettuccine Alfredo.

I'm like, what fat white guy was just like, yeah, no, you guys are missing. I don't think Italian. I don't think it's a I think somebody just made that up. I'm like fettuccine Alfredo is for people that have no idea have never had Italian food before and they don't know what to order And it's at a place that doesn't have chicken tenders Fettuccine Alfredo is the chicken tenders of pasta It's creamy sauce. God girls love creamy sauce. I'm so over it.

Oh my God. The white sauce. Creamy, creamy, creamy. Everything has to be fucking creamy and comfy. Comfy, creamy. All right. My goodness. Sunday.

You're like being sexist. Okay Ashley. Jesus Christ. Sunday. You're like being sexist. Okay Ashley, Jesus Christ. Iowa day? No better state. Iowa, Ohio, Indiana. Just take me there, slap my ass and make me start a family.

Good God. Give me a fence in the back, not a picket fence. I'm talking about a popsicle stick ass fence. Give me a one story ranch, a fence, a dog, the worst wife of all time, and a bratty ass kid and let me just let me just live in Iowa now I'm kidding I kill myself but I do love Iowa as a place man one of the best cities I've been to just to do comedy but like anything anything anything simple and like I went to Des Moines to do a show.

I was just like this is so fucking this is perfect. Strip mall right outside of the comedy club. They had a what is the place that they like I just feel at home in the midwest man it just feels so good. What do they have? They have the play Plato's's Closet? I was like, yes. I hate Plato's Closet, but yes. There's never anything good in there, and they're so picky, bro. Who does Plato's Closet think they are? Here's everything I worked so hard for my whole entire life. I've wore it one time.

Here you go. Here's 16 cents. God damn! What am I supposed to bring in here? I could go to Burberry, buy a purse, bring it into Play Doh's closet. They'd be like, here's $4. Jesus Christ, what do you guys want from me, dude? How are they still in business Play-Doh's closet is one of those stores man you go in there it smells like shit Smells like your friend's dad's closet. You're like, ew

You're ever going to your parents your friends parents closet. You're like Every place is cause it smells like that How do you get a job at Plato's closet, what's that hiring process like? Hey fam, I love you guys. Thank you for the voice messages If you're in New Orleans, might be there. Just saying. Keep leaving the voice messages, keep, keep hyping. Keep hyping the pod. Tell the psychos, tell the kids- get them in the kids club. Get them in the- we need more espressos. They need to convert convert them, but if they don't get it

If you're not poor and you didn't live at the community pool growing up You're not part of the fam. Just saying just saying now. I love you guys for real Next week, we'll have a banger question Some vids we're on our shit. We're on our poor guy shit and we're moving. We feel good, we feel simple, we feel efficient. Are you like hyping yourself up because like, um, you're poor? Alright Ashley, I'll talk to you later. See you guys next week.

Ha ha ha.