Espresso - most embarrassing moments

Episode Date: August 27, 2020

fart so loud mf's wanna find me | my first crush | chase me around the playground so ik it's real | wine and sex when i get home? | tooth fairies are gross af ...

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 That sounds like when you're in your car and only one window's down. It's like... And your mom's like... Roll that up! Oh. Oh. A little Japanese. Is this... This is me not knowing any Japanese culture.
Starting point is 00:00:36 Whatsoever. Only that their flag goes kind of hard because there's just a red dot in the middle of it. And no, I didn't just look that up. The acne of flags that's the flag for my face from eighth grade through now there's always just one and but but hold on hold on but i walk into the mall and i and i i go to sarku japan and i get a samp with the ladies out there she's like and i'm like right when i you know you take right when i get that cup
Starting point is 00:01:20 you know those cups they use that aren't like hard plastic Like real like cups They're just like soft And you don't like put You don't put them back like a shot You just like You just like fold it in your mouth You know what I'm talking about Right
Starting point is 00:01:34 Right when the Right Right When The chicken touches My lips That boy is Benny when the chicken touches my lips. That boy is Benny, huh? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:01 Okay. So, Shot 120. Dude, we've done 20 20 solo episodes Thank you for listening But yeah dude So Helium Thursday, Friday, Saturday All the shows are sold out
Starting point is 00:02:20 Thank you guys Seriously it's A dream It's gonna be fun Five shows Man From Jokers to Helium Thanks for riding with me
Starting point is 00:02:39 If you're at that first Jokers show That I ever had Oh my god That was actually a lot of fun And it was a good turnout. And I'll never forget it, but this is going to be, this is going to be tight.
Starting point is 00:02:50 Super, super tight. Sorry, I can't talk. Of course, when I'm like thanking you guys for the best thing that's ever happened to me, I like have, I'm throwing up.
Starting point is 00:03:05 I'm really just crying. Because I love you. Yeah, it'll be good. Thursday, 8 o'clock. Friday, 7, 30, and 10. Saturday, 7, 30, and 10. I'll see you there. And if you didn't get tickets,
Starting point is 00:03:20 I'm going to try to figure something out. Maybe they'll give me tickets. I don't know. I don't think it works like that with helium. But we're going to try to figure something out Maybe they'll give me tickets I don't know I don't think it works like that With helium But we're going to see I'll give ticket updates and stuff On Instagram, Twitter
Starting point is 00:03:33 And all that Remember to follow At Benedict Polizzi On Instagram, Twitter TikTok And Cameo But yeah On Instagram
Starting point is 00:03:44 On Instagram On Instagram Holy shit and cameo but um yeah on instagram on instagram or on instagram holy shit on instagram earlier this week i was like what's the most embarrassing thing that happened to you when you were growing up like in during school because you know when some shit happens to you in school and like you never forget it like nobody else even thinks about it, but you're like, oh, I really did that. I've told this story before, but like the one that comes to my head, second grade, was Miss,
Starting point is 00:04:17 damn, what's her name? Collins? No, no, no, no, no. Mrs. Beckham. God, that bitch. For some reason, she had one of those attitudes, though, that you're like, Oh, she's a bitch, but I like it. What is that?
Starting point is 00:04:32 You know when she yells, it's not like, she's not like being mean. She's just like, fuck you, but not really. I love that shit. Anyway, late night espresso, by the way. So if it gets dirty, just call the sexpresso hotline 1-800. And if you need to know how to spell out, it's 888-888-8888-8888-8884. Okay. But late night express is a different vibe. I've been doing it lately.
Starting point is 00:05:10 Instead of recording these podcasts, like at like, I don't know, noon, I do it at like the complete opposite, midnight. So it's a little, it's kinkier. But all right, second grade. We're sitting at like, you know when the desks are like grouped up like four desks like you know when you walk in oh by the way dude I have ADHD
Starting point is 00:05:32 I'm sorry if you can't fucking keep up then bye but your brain should work like this too and if it doesn't I don't know I don't know what to tell you if you can stay focused on one thing um you shouldn't be listening to this. You should be fixing a telephone wire.
Starting point is 00:05:54 But you can still listen to this at the same time. And shock yourself and fall out of that bin that's all the way up in the trees. You know those dudes that fix the telephone wires? It looks like they're standing in a bathroom trash can i'm good i'm good i'm good everything's good up here but there is floss and toilet paper in this carriage i'm standing in the most dangerous job the most dangerous job in the world but okay yeah that was hype when he walked into your class one random ass day and all the seats were moved. Like, how exciting.
Starting point is 00:06:29 I've never been that excited. I haven't been that excited to this day. Yeah, I don't think I have. Swear to God. Like, maybe if I had a kid. Actually, if I... No. Not even a kid. Oh my God. Your firstborn, like, oh my God, your firstborn son. Are you excited? Oh, actually when Mrs.
Starting point is 00:06:54 Miller moved our desks into clusters before the Christmas party, that was good. But yeah, he looks great. Oh, but seriously, how sick was that? And you never sat close to the person you liked. And if you did, like, wow. You're like, she's going to find out I'm an idiot. That's what I always did. I was like, damn, I hope I don't sit by Amelia. That was my, like, that was like damn I hope I don't sit by Amelia that was my like that was
Starting point is 00:07:26 like oh shit that was like my uh like crush in school growing up like first grade through like sixth grade I was like over it in sixth grade but I was still like you have a place in my heart like how how like yeah right like literally 12 years old. I was like, don't worry. I think there's still something like, and she thought that way too. So it's not weird, but yeah,
Starting point is 00:07:54 I never sat by her. This is the thing though. This is, this is how she got me. Amelia first grade. Like, I don't know what it was. I think this is why I'm attracted to girls that are, like, off the, like, you know?
Starting point is 00:08:10 Not, you know, not, I'm not attracted to, like, mainstream girls, I don't think. I date the most, like, basic bitches of all time. What am I saying? Late night spress. Sex spresso. late night suppress sexpresso but yeah so the thing was i guess in first grade like i didn't know this was the game i didn't know that the way like girls flirted in first grade i never had anybody like me up to this point uh so this girl in first grade like the flirt game was chase the person you like around the playground and like all day in school some girl was like hey Amelia's gonna chase you around the playground
Starting point is 00:08:57 I was honestly like what what are you talking about but low-key inside I was like chase me baby But low-key inside, I was like, chase me, baby. And I was like, what is she, what is it like? How is this going to start? That's what I was like nervous about. I was like, so right when I like leave the building, like, is this going to be like a, like a fucking road rage, like high speed? Like, are there like, what is going to happen here?
Starting point is 00:09:26 But she had like friends like planned out girls are so weird they're like friends like by trees and shit like trying to like slow me down i was like what is this and do you guys know that i'm the fastest man alive and when i run just rose petals fall out of my khaki pants so good luck just mulch kicking up I hate the word mulch just wood chips kicking up everywhere oh my god who is that he's the fastest man in the world in between swings you look back the girl that's chasing me is all wound up in chain swings how about those being chains like um any more dangerous for eight-year-olds low-key everything on a playground that was like how is how are we not dead but this is the this is the song that's playing when i'm like when i'm right right right
Starting point is 00:10:28 when i press the door the the bar on the door to go out to recess i'm the last one out everybody's already out i like went to the bathroom or something the teacher's like are you ready to go out i was like just a sec I need to use the restroom. She's like, okay, I'll wait right here for you. You know how nice they are in first grade. I go to the bathroom and come out, and she's like, okay, come on. Your friends are out there playing basketball. In my head, I'm like, you have no idea.
Starting point is 00:11:00 Right when the sole of my Nike shoe from Kids rs hits the sidewalk to go out there to recess this song plays oh no did your game god damn it hold on this song plays my foot from tile tile left foot pavement right foot. Right here. I'm standing, hold on, I'm standing on the sidewalk. Like back facing everyone. And my hips are just moving. Arms straight down to the sides. Starting to go a little faster now, starting to go a little faster now. Hold on, hold on, starting to go a little faster now Starting to go a little faster now
Starting point is 00:12:06 Hold on, hold on Starting to go a little faster Somebody first One of the girls is like Hey! Get him! And right after Right after
Starting point is 00:12:17 Right after he said Um Right after the M This right after the end, this. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Oh my God. Okay, okay. One, two, three, come on and try to catch me because I swear I'm the fastest cause I'm really probably about 14 years old. I hit puberty really soon.
Starting point is 00:12:56 That's me backpedaling and singing at the same time to a red haired girl with huge thick glasses. 4, 5, 6, come on and look at this Cause I'm probably gonna run into somebody and break their arm, girl Oh, you got boxy, weird, pleated school pants And a big red hair That I love for some reason Probably cause I watched Spice Girls and Ginger Spice was the hottest and I didn't mean to say that but she was I guess. And your mouth is kind of blue because you had a Jolly Rancher that you got from Box Tops and I... Well I could see!
Starting point is 00:13:40 Well I could see! You and me probably not doing anything together but thinking about it when we get home from school. I know that if you catch me on the playground. I never talked to girls before so I don't know what I would say. what I would say yeah but I just wanted to know for zero beneficial reason to us because we can't see each other outside of school and we can't drive and we can barely
Starting point is 00:14:13 even talk but we see each other for like five hours a day I look back at her after she's dead out of breath from chasing me on the playground and I go like this. Are you gonna be my girl? Okay. Yeah, but that's pretty much how it went down.
Starting point is 00:14:45 It was pretty simple. You know, when you like somebody, that's basically it. But yeah, that was the game. And this is when I knew I was in love in first grade. First time I fell in love. We were playing like some weird, we were playing like, what was this game called? It was called, uh, with like the tin man and shit. I hate this movie so much. And it's like haunted Alice in Wonderland. Oh, that's definitely not it. the yellow brick road shit what is that it's like every school play wizard of oz i know i know i know i know i know i know but okay there's a wizard wizard of oz board
Starting point is 00:15:33 game and i was playing it with her like it was the first time we like interacted and i was like yeah i'll play this game with you what the hell like the the the the crush tension was like through the roof you know when like everybody else knows too and you're like fuck and like our little game pieces were both on start when we were getting ready to go and like they looked like little like cones like cones you know like on a on a board game and there's like a the head of the cones was like a ball and she got both of them with like her index finger and thumb finger like both of our game pieces and and tapped the heads together so it looked like we kissed i looked up at her And her like And she looked at me And my face was so red
Starting point is 00:16:29 It was probably like bleeding Down my shirt And I And she was getting ready to say something But I was so Like I was so shocked Taken back
Starting point is 00:16:42 That I looked right back down at the game pieces And I was like shocked, taken back, that I looked right back down at the game pieces and I was like, keep doing it. Keep doing it because I don't know what to say. I don't know how to talk to you. And since we can't kiss, just let the game pieces do the smooching. Yeah, first time I fell in love. But, yeah, that was the game. Chase them around the playground, everybody.
Starting point is 00:17:19 Okay. Must like each other. Imagine if we did that now. Like, hey, Brittany's going gonna chase you around the bar. Wow. Anyway. Okay, holy shit. So back to Mrs. Beckham's bitch ass.
Starting point is 00:17:37 She was teaching. We're in separate desks, all this. Like my, my, I was wearing like my, my backup khaki pants because catholic school you're wearing khakis in a polo I was wearing my backup khakis back khaks my my backies I was wearing my backies and like it wasn't a button to put my pants together with a zipper like normal it was like a snap button like you'd have on like a raincoat or something like old school raincoat like one of those buttons and it was weird but I was like
Starting point is 00:18:11 whatever I felt kind of like a cowboy for some reason so I was sitting there and I was bored and I didn't know what anyone was talking about no one was paying attention because we're all 10 years old and why would you ever try to teach a 10 year old anything and I was sitting there and I was like I wonder if I can unsnap my pants without using my hands so I was just pressing so hard like my like I've got this thing I can do where I can like put my stomach out and it looks like I'm really fat and I was doing that I guess probably the first time I like realized I could do that and I was pressing like putting tons of pressure on this button so it just pop and I like then then I'd be like satisfied I guess I don't know why I wanted to do it but I
Starting point is 00:18:55 was just bored and I was like pressing so hard just had no clue I didn't didn't have any spidey sense about it but just all of a sudden and everybody in the classroom was like just mortified like it was the realist man fart of all time in a classroom full of 10-year-olds. Classroom full of kids that could barely ride a bike. It was just an outdoor cookout. And Mrs. Beckham was like, Guys, are you... We've got to...
Starting point is 00:19:49 Everybody put your heads down and smell this shit. No, no, no, she didn't say that. But she was like, we had to literally take a break. And then after a couple minutes ran off of her being completely disgusted with everyone. No one knew it was me, by the way. No one knew where it came from hopefully except for the three people at my table whose like hair ripped off their heads and eyes were bleeding they just i looked up and they just didn't have noses anymore they're everybody i looked up and everybody at my table was just all skeletons. But like, and then like after she was like, guys, and we kind of sat there for a while because she was so disgusted because like what an interruption, you know, trying to
Starting point is 00:20:38 teach someone something. And we started saying a prayer she's like Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with thee and the whole class just kind of joined in and after the prayer she was like
Starting point is 00:20:57 are you guys ready to learn and everyone was like yes and I was still like So yeah that was the most embarrassing moment For me of all time But luckily no one knew it was me So I had that So I guess it wasn't that embarrassing
Starting point is 00:21:21 But like I'll never forget Like damn dude Like that sound was just like where did that she had to be like how what did you eat did you eat a balloon full of baked beans that's been in a car for 17 years and shook it up in a paint shaker from lowe's anyway let's get to the uh most holy like 40 minutes into this podcast let's get to the most embarrassing stories that you guys had from school grown up. Alright, let's get into it. Okay, Derek James. That's my homie Derek.
Starting point is 00:22:10 He's a comedian in India and he's hilarious. But he goes, One time during a party for the baseball team in 8th grade, a kid tried to stick his tongue in my ear. I turned my head and he stuck his tongue in my mouth I got roasted for the rest of the season The timing And everybody saw
Starting point is 00:22:36 And they just kissed My first kiss was at this party Oh, nuh-uh Yeah, I kissed my homie And then we played like nine innings together. Hell yeah, Derek. Nikki Zubach. Nikki Zubach.
Starting point is 00:23:00 Here she is again. Nikki Zubach. The name that I would say around my house if I was 10 years old. Nikki Zubach. The name that I would say around my house if I was 10 years old. Nikki Zubach. Nikki Zubach. We were saying the rosary as a class at the end of the day. I bent over to kneel on the pew and farted. Oh, God.
Starting point is 00:23:21 And then I turned around and apologized to everybody individually, whispering sorry. Sorry with a hand gesture it's always the accidental farts and it's the ones in church that'll just send you right to hell dude why like what is it about just ripping one on a pew that like echo like shatters the glass windows seriously a pew is just like hey uh you want to buy an amplifier for your guitar just plug it into a church pew that's everyone's fart in church oh mom hold on i gotta go to the bathroom not right now, honey. The priest's hair is blown back. His priest gown flies up like Marilyn Monroe. Jesus isn't even on the cross anymore. He's like, I'm out.
Starting point is 00:24:29 Supposed to eat the donuts after church, not before church. Oh my God, don't disrespect our Lord and Savior. Half the time I make a joke about Jesus, like, I guarantee he's laughing too. Jesus isn't some stuck up bitch, even if, you know, like, just, okay. He's cool. cool Okay here we go Smelling S-M-L-E-N We're just gonna go with that Cause smelling was just too weird
Starting point is 00:24:56 At my cousin's birthday party We had a farting competition And I pooped my pants because I was trying so hard okay know why your name is smelling damn I knew I shouldn't have done this everything is just going to be about farting. But like, you guys don't want to hear it. Alright. Our cheer squad... Okay, this is a smidge of bridge. Our cheer squad was doing a pep rally for the entire school faculty.
Starting point is 00:25:38 I think about this all the time. Like, cheerleaders act like that's not shit. That's the whole... Your whole high school is watching you do flips. Like it's a disaster waiting to happen. And some of our parents and music. Okay, wait, wait, wait. Our cheer scouts was doing a pep rally for the entire school faculty and even some parents and our music messed up.
Starting point is 00:25:59 So we went to start over and one of the girls that was about to do a stunt didn't hear us and went to do the stunt went full out and landed straight in her back and let's just say we ended up on the cheer fails instagram page with hundreds of thousands of views and she said shit she sent a video and yeah you know when girls are doing backflipsips and there's six of them that are getting ready to catch them? And flip them back up and stand them up? The girls that were getting ready to catch them just didn't do shit. Right on the gym floor, her back. Nikki Zubach.
Starting point is 00:26:39 Alright, here we go. Charlie Lind. I got held back in sixth grade. Not kindergarten, not first grade. Sixth. My worst fear of all time. That is the, that's the most, that is, that's the most of Charlie Lynn. That's the most embarrassing thing of all time.
Starting point is 00:27:00 That was my biggest, like, if that happens to me, that was to me That was like getting someone pregnant Back then you know Getting held back Oh Remember it was like always like the dumb kid I mean everybody had a dumb kid You know in their class Like the kid that you're just like nah
Starting point is 00:27:20 But like everybody would get report cards And it would always kind of be like, did he pass? Like, did he though? Like, cause if he did, like, I'm sure as hell in the next grade, that was always like, I was always on the edge for that. Like in seventh grade, I was like, I think I got it this year. But like every grade before that, I was like. Hey, next year I might be having lunch 20 minutes before you. God, that's so weird.
Starting point is 00:27:55 Sixth grade held back. What? Oh my God. Can you even imagine that? Yeah, because getting held back in first grade is like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But in sixth grade, it's like, Houston, Houston, are you there? You copying? Because he has a problem.
Starting point is 00:28:21 I love Charlie Lynn. Graves fit. When I was in second grade, I started crying one day because there was a bee in the classroom and I knew I was allergic, but my dramatic ass eight-year-old self thought that meant I would die automatically if a bee stung me. So I started sobbing. That actually makes complete sense. Because if I was allergic to bees, I would be like, see ya.
Starting point is 00:28:44 I would think I was going to die too. Because can't you? But as an eight-year-old, yeah, I would definitely cry. I would have left. People are seriously crazy about bees. You know? It's always like the hardest dude, dude, that's like, no, I don't give a shit.
Starting point is 00:29:00 And he's like, I love you! Here's another one. No, it's just someone saying somey. Here's another one. No, it's just someone saying some shit. Here we go. Bizzle Bay. I shat my pants in the second grade while on a field trip. I had to ride back to school with shit britches.
Starting point is 00:29:23 You guys talk like, where are you from? It was the first and last time I ever ate relish this is disgusting god that's not from a guy okay this one's kind of long when i was in high school i dated a guy who lived on the other side of town and naturally not having my driver's license. My mom was a slave to my social calendar, but always unwilling to drive me to this guy's house. But she succumbed to driving me there. As I was getting ready to see this guy, I received a text on my phone, which presumed it was from him, but she's very good at writing. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:30:01 But it was from my mom, M-U-M. It read, dropping Lily to Liam's. Wine and sex when I get home? My mom accidentally messaged me instead of my stepdad. Once she realized what she had done, she drove me the whole 30 minutes to this guy's house in utter silence. I practically leapt out from the car while it was still moving damn that was really good thank you oh but at least you got like some
Starting point is 00:30:35 pull after that you know after your mom sends you that text you can be like all right like i'm staying at this i'm spending the night at this guy's house and she'd be like sure damn dude divorced parents are just the horniest people like right when they sign that agreement paper they're just like the wine so me but damn wine and sex when i get home that's my bio getting that tatted wine wine on one down one tricep sex down the other with an exclamation point because you know to make it even that's pretty embarrassing i think that gets i think that gets a 10 out of 10 yeah and really good storytelling too respect that was lil rathy lily rathy Retelling too. Respect. That was Lil... La... Rathy.
Starting point is 00:31:46 Lily Rathy. That was like a rapper. Lil... Lee Rathy. Nah, that's what's up though. Thank you. Like, I can't believe... Like, when do we get to the age where parents... Like, where we just start talking like that?
Starting point is 00:31:59 Wine and sex when I get home? If anyone texted me wine and sex when I get home, I'd be like, someone's at my house with a shotgun pointed to the door right when I walk in. Hey, I'm home! Opens the door. Okay.
Starting point is 00:32:25 Here we go. I was in sixth grade. This is the Mad Stalker. All right. And that's the guy that blew my head off after asking me if I wanted wine and sex. I was in sixth grade and thought Viagra was like Motrin. And told my rather old English professor that he probably forgot to take his last night. Yeah, still haunts me.
Starting point is 00:32:48 Oh my God. I've got a weird one with my mom. Like one time when I was a kid, we were just like, you know how you just like, you know, you just like sit by your mom and like lay on her and shit? Because you're a kid. I was a kid. I was like, i was like i was like seven and i went up to her and i don't know she probably like hugged me or something and i was like let's make love i said that to her face and she's like no no no no no no
Starting point is 00:33:20 no that's not no we don't say that and i was like it doesn't that mean like you know just like doesn't that just mean I love you but yeah I said that to my I told my mom I want to make love sorry it was embarrassing wow huh man people are so weird more shirtless, please? You guys are idiots. Okay. K underscore black underscore ripped my pants like Spongebob in third grade
Starting point is 00:33:56 trying to show off my gymnast skills during doing the splits. Man, I always just prayed to God somebody's pants would split. God, how funny is that? But people got smart and started wearing sweatshirts and I always just prayed to God somebody's pants would split God how funny is that but the like people got smart and started wearing sweatshirts like over like tying around their waist then and that made him look cooler wow that is a look seriously though they're just they have zero pants on underneath
Starting point is 00:34:18 I might have to steal that idea and their ass is just rubbing all over it. How weird. Alright. Yeah, calling this dude. Nigel Moore. I raised my hand in high school and when the teacher called on me I said, Mom? Yeah. I'm guilty.
Starting point is 00:34:45 I definitely did that. Not in high school. I did that in college. No, I'm just. I definitely did that. Not in high school. I did that in college. No, I'm just playing. I did that in like fourth grade. I hate how you have to call teachers professors in college. I was like, who do you think you are? You're just weirder than high school teachers. Professor?
Starting point is 00:35:03 Can this person read my mind? Professor. It's almost as bad as landlord. Are you serious? Landlord. Like, who gave him that title? Like, lord? My lady.
Starting point is 00:35:24 Landlord Have we not updated yet? That's definitely like next Like he goes Washington Redskins Cleveland Indians Landlord Landlord
Starting point is 00:35:36 I guarantee that's like why some freaks Just like to flip houses Because they're like Call me that Oh my god like to flip houses because they're like, call me that. I'm your God. Pray to me. Pray that you get your deposit back from your Lordy.
Starting point is 00:36:07 Let's do a couple more. Malik.Dial. Who are you people? It was my 16th birthday seven years ago. I was already having a bad day, and I was in history class, and I looked down to see this high bug on my lap. I didn't scream. It must not be high. Probably a big bug on my lap.
Starting point is 00:36:32 I didn't scream. I flinched so bad the whole class and my teacher looked at me. Then one kid started screaming happy birthday. Oh my god, dude. So the whole class started singing and I just wanted to disappear. I have more memories because I'm always doing something dumb. Okay, dude. So the whole class started singing, and I just wanted to disappear. I have more memories because I'm always doing something dumb, but that's okay, yeah. That doesn't make any sense. Hold on.
Starting point is 00:36:55 It was my 16th birthday. I was in history class, and I looked down to see this big bug on my lap. She said high bug, though. Is that a type of bug? Hi, bug? It's like, what's up? You want any Cheetos? I just flinched so bad,
Starting point is 00:37:15 the whole class and my teacher looked at me, and then one kid started screaming, happy birthday. Like, what a sequence of events. Oh! Happy birthday, Malik. Oh! birthday like what a sequence of events oh happy birthday malik malik it's your birthday happy birthday malik
Starting point is 00:37:34 and you just the whole time like when people sing happy birthday how awkward but then you just at the same time have a huge bug that just smoked a joint on your lap before it. Let's go viral. Hashtag my last trip was. My last trip was NYC last week. It was tight. It was so tight. It was great i felt like you guys were with me the whole time i love that that's my favorite thing about trips just heli stories that's the only
Starting point is 00:38:17 reason i went to new york is just so i can make my stories for you guys and half of that is completely true no but it was good it was good when you go to New York it just feels like everybody knows you I don't know what it is but it's just like are you my like kind of my aunt like have we met before that's every time I talk to somebody in New York I'm like we must have met I like the vibe but yeah we just kind of chilled like Joey would go to barstool and then like I would just chill during the day and walk around the city and work on little bullshit here and there and then meet up with Joey and Barstool people at night.
Starting point is 00:38:57 It was tight. I'm acting like I was there for two weeks. I was there for literally like 48 hours, but it was cool. It seemed like five days hashtag things i need my mommy for god damn things i need my mom for any official document i'm like mom what do they have to make like honestly do they have to make documents that you turn into places so confusing? I get it that you have to be super like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Starting point is 00:39:37 Do you agree to the, do you have any? Every single time I fill out a tax form, I'm like, hope I don't go to jail tomorrow. I don't know. Should I claim a dependent? I'm like, am I a dependent? One or zero? My dad's like, it just depends when he wants your money.
Starting point is 00:40:01 I'm like, what? Hashtag, please stop telling me to sit normal. Sit normal. Like, I'll sit crisscross applesauce at a business lecture. Sorry. at a business lecture. Sorry. I'll be squatty potty on the office chair.
Starting point is 00:40:33 There's a viral TikTok trend right now that's like imagine your crush. Imagine your crush sitting crisscross applesauce. Imagine your crush like Imagine your crush like spinning the sign outside of like the Liberty Financial place That would be so stupid but I honestly have basically done that before My mom was like you need to hold this huge tennis racket That says Southport Tennis Camp on it Outside of the Greenwood Park Mall
Starting point is 00:41:07 And I don't know how this isn't the most embarrassing thing I did growing up But I was literally out She was like I'll give you 25 bucks I was probably 16 years old And I was like definitely So I just went out there with a huge tennis racket And anytime I had to do something like that
Starting point is 00:41:23 I always invited all my friends. I was like, yo, you want to do this? My mom will give you like 20 bucks and like, like chiller would be like, yeah, whatever. So we just like be in front of a Panera for like 40 hours, flipping a tennis racket around, like listening to like Petey Pablo. P.D. Pablo. Yeah, that was like half of my life growing up. And people are like honking like,
Starting point is 00:41:55 Ew, yeah, I get it. I was like, did you even read the sign? Hashtag other things to do in the bathroom. Dude, I could sit in a bathroom for 45 years. How comfortable is it in a bathroom? I'm always like, I better get out of here before somebody thinks I'm dead. Hashtag bad airplane etiquette this is perfect all right so why every time guaranteed 100% why is there always two people on an airplane like always kind of by you or like it's usually
Starting point is 00:42:40 like four seats back never right behind you but like two seats back that are just having the most fulfilling conversation life-changing experience with someone they met the whole entire flight from start to finish you're like what the hell and it's like they're both like so engaged and you're like, how is this happening? Every single flight I take, I'm like, actually, I don't say anything. I don't want to say anything. I don't want them to shut up because I'm listening to every word you're saying. With my mouth wide open.
Starting point is 00:43:22 That was two days. Wednesday. Wednesday. National Aviation Day. I don't get how planes work. I was looking out the window when we were flying and I was just like, how is this bitch just not... This thing in the air?
Starting point is 00:43:42 This thing. In the air. Going. Right where we need it. No chance it's real. Saturday, National Tooth Fairy Day. Tooth Fairy always kind of freaks me out. Has anyone done a video about the Tooth Fairy? I always picture it being Tinkerbell, some good-looking angel fairy that's mini. Almost a Barbie, but that's actually scary as hell too. Like a Barbie flying around into your room.
Starting point is 00:44:19 What if you woke up and caught it flying by your face? You'd be like, ah! That's actually disgustingly scary but imagine if it's not like ew dude the tooth fairy is disgusting is there a horror movie on that i just scared myself and i have to walk home dude a real grown ew what if it's a dude? Okay. Next, next, next, next, next. Oh, Sunday. National sponge cake day. I get the, I get a wrong vibe from anything called a sponge. Sponges are disgusting. God.
Starting point is 00:45:09 I think my family had like a problem. Like we kept sponges around for way too long. Because at my apartment now, like every week my roommate's like, dude, this sponge smells. And I'm like, after a week? Damn, we kept these bitches around for like three months. Like what was that? Like sponges for like $18.99 or something that are literally 25 cents. That blue one though with the scrub pad on top, that was like, like it wasn't a square.
Starting point is 00:45:36 It was like curved. Like it was almost like an S curve. Oh, that went hard. Super hard. Blue sponge just cleansed me of my sins. You throw a blue sponge at me, I just turn. You throw a blue sponge at me, look away and look back, I'm a priest. Alright.
Starting point is 00:46:02 That's it. Shot 120 it Shot 120 Shot 120 Thanks for riding guys We'll be on Apple Podcasts and Spotify soon Promise See you this weekend at Helium And if not See you after
Starting point is 00:46:23 But Shot 120 Thanks for listening follow me instagram tiktok cameo twitter all that benedict polizzi talk to you next week hi fam hi fam

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