Espresso - most horrific thing you've done in public

Episode Date: August 7, 2025

on this ep benny reacts to the most horrific thing you've done in public (like jumping off a cliff and losing your bathing suit)🎟️ BENNY'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧��𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦 Oct 3 Hollywood, CA https://www.ticketweb.com/event/tonight-at-the-improv-ft-hollywood-improv-the-main-room-tickets/13623788?pl=hollyimprov&REFID=hollywoodWP&_gl=1*ypqjea*_ga*MTI4MzQwNjAxOC4xNjk1ODM5OTM2*_ga_WCL648ZCZH*MTY5NTgzOTkzNi4xLjEuMTY5NTgzOTk2MC4zNi4wLjA.🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedictLeave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 

Throwing up in front of your crush? Or showing them your entire asshole? I'm picking asshole. I don't care. Taste and see. Motherfucking taste and see. I've had church songs in my head the whole motherfucking day. The whole day.

What's up, fam? Espresso podcast. 2.82. I'm your mad girlfriend. Benny. Um, can we talk a little bit? Can we talk? Hey, before we get started though, for real, for real, remember to tell your boo to subscribe to YouTube, leave a comment below. Dude, my, my YouTube has kind of, something happened. Because I woke up with like a lot of subscribers. Something worked for once. But, uh, hey, and leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts too. But if you're really fam, remember, to join the Patreon for $5 a month for a live stream every single week. We had one Monday

because I didn't get back in time. And we had one Monday. And that shit was outrageous. It's a lot of behind the scenes. Dude, we talk a lot of like, and I tell a lot of secrets on there. And like, I really get to figure out who you guys are. So it's worth the $5 join, you know. grow the psycho club support your baby girl and more importantly more importantly most importantly kiss me every single day thinking about kiss me every day merch way in do we want it kiss me every day with a knife next to it i'm in i'm in but yeah merch's dropping soon um can we talk about the most horrific thing you've ever done in public please this is kind of all I want to know because I do this to this day I talked about it on

Instagram I've got GERD I got GERD and I didn't I thought it was I thought like my mom when I was growing up used to call it GERB GERB and she just made up a word for me throwing up all the time GERB and then I look it up three years later or whatever the fuck whenever the internet came out and it's actually called Gerd G-G-E-R-D I wonder what that stands for, hold on.

Does anybody else have Gerd? Do we have Gerdfam? Do we need Gerdfam merch? Gerd. Dude, that's got to be the grossest fucking term for anything. Gastrosophical reflux disease. Common condition where do the stomach contents

move up in the esophagus? Yeah, my esophagus is like on fire. tire 24-7. Anytime I eat anything, dude, it just takes 700 hours to digest anything I eat. And it, like, I can't eat anything real, like, acidic,

but I still do, because I'm a bad fucking boy. And I'll eat it and swallow it, and it'll climb back up my esophagus, like, real hot, and then I'll, like, I'll, like, throw it up in my mouth, but I won't, like, I won't, like, vomit it out, you know? I'm not, like, pulling trig and,

letting it rock. I'm just kind of like swallowing it back down because I don't want to be a menace all the time. But like sometimes when I'm outside and I'm Gerd Nation,

I'll just let it fly. And like if I'm just walking around the block like thrown up, like I'm going to start aiming at shit. So when I was a kid, and even today, dude, I'll throw up on kind of anything. What do you want me to do?

If there's not a trash can around and I just, I'm just Gerd baby, it's going anywhere. Like, there were stains all over the sidewalks in my neighborhood because of Gertie boy. I love you, Gertie boy. Whoa. Can we get like a Gerd fam clubhouse or something?

I need to know who has Gerd so we can talk about this together. A Gerd. A Gerd. A Gerd, uh, Gird chat room coming soon? Gerd chat room. We just throw up the whole time. But like, there's good. bad things to gird

how many times if I fucking said gird like if you gird up some like ice cream hey it's kind of better the second time around you gird up a PB&J who's mad

nobody but you gird up like a like a Whopper Jr and it burns your whole entire throat and your eyes are watering and it happened when you're in fourth grade and your throat didn't feel the same for the next two and a half years uh yeah it hurts a little bit it hurts and that and that's why this is why i have

such bad breath don't fucking don't repeat this to anyone this is why i'm so self-conscious don't don't this is a secret this is why i'm so self-conscious about my breath and why i have to have a mint in my god damn pocket every second of the day is because i'm a little gertie boy okay okay no one's supposed to know that but this one girl in high school told me i had the worst breath of all time and i never forgot that shit this is not like it bothers me or anything but yeah i've got gurd and i would gird i'll gird on a stop sign i'll go ahead I'll gird on a neighborhood sign. If I'm feeling crazy,

I'll gird on a car, on a tire of a car. Dude, I used to be playing basketball like in my grandparents' garage and I'd open the door and just gird right there on the patio. Your boy's throat is crazy. But I'll gird anywhere.

That's probably the most horrific thing I've done in public. I'll just straight throw up on some shit. Like, maybe like 14 times a day, you know? shit it's with you gotta do what you gotta do but let's hear yours what's the most horrific shit you've ever done in public

and I know I have a couple more I'll think of them but uh here we go all right let me set the stage okay let me set the story it's back in 2017 spring ball just started we're the first Saturday practice now we're talking like third week two two thirds of a

month through the way of March and it was our first Saturday practice and we just got out there's a huge pool party at some apartment complex in Athens it's a long story short a bunch of the guys and I went and there we were like rolling five six hundred deep at that whole place when the capacity was maybe 80 so it was already getting sketched from the beginning you know I'm in bed so did that and we were you know solely a couple 30 racks deep and then we proceeded to go get some calzones from uh eddie's cozone shout out actually fuck them because eddie's calzone anyway oh hold on we'll pick it up part two dude can we just give a shout to milky boy real quick holding it down every single week i love you milky boy oh whoa

just crushing these voice messages that's recap 2017 spring ball first weekend practice pool Poo party. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. No, I did not do that. No, I did not do that. Here we go. That's recap, 2017, spring ball, first weekend practice. Pool party follows. Now we're up to speed. Honestly, that could have been a seven-second summary of the first message, and that would save the minute. But anyway, so all that happened, we got Eddie's Calzone, and wait about 40 minutes to the Calzone. It's halfway through that way. Actually, we didn't even, we didn't even get them because, yeah, I forgot what this next part happened. So we go, we're

waiting after a half hour, I go up to the counter I'm like, yeah, Cal's own car, where yeah, what's going on? What's the situation? Why I've been taking forever here? He goes, just go back to your table, we'll get it to you. I'm like, okay. So I go back, not want to get in trouble because we just got eviscerated by coach for causing a scene

downtown before. So I get up, go to the bathroom, apparently throw up all over the joint, going to the bathroom, and they call the cops, I call the scene, get kicked out, band. I'm not sure if I'm still banned,

but that's it, but that's it, but it's a fuck at his cows out. That's got that might be next to his question.

What are you what establishment are you banned from? How'd you get banned? I'm writing it down on a lot. Where are

you banned from? Dude. let's see what am I banned from I don't think I'm banned from anything although I was with my roommate one time when uh and we went to Coles this dude steals a wallet and I'm like all right dog like got to do what you got to do and the best place to steal anything from ever is Coles because do they even care do they I feel like they I feel like you can return anything to Coles and you can steal anything from Coles. I could return a fucking big Mac to Coles. And they'd be like, that'll be $30 in

Coles cash. Here you go. But you always with him when he took it. And I was just, I kind of like was pretending it didn't happen, even though I knew it was happening. And I can't, for the first time ever, I didn't steal anything with him. Because I, your boy, I'm kind of, your girl's a little bit of a Colepto sometimes. But I'll steal like stupid shit that doesn't matter. I like, I'll steal like a cool pair of scissors from somebody's apartment because they're like gold or something. And like nothing that really matters. You know what I mean? But I was like, no, I'm just not going to do it. And they came chasing after us in the parking lot and brought us into like this Cole's security footage room. And they're like the questioning, like interrogating us.

What'd you take? Huh? What'd you take? I was like for the first time, sir, I didn't steal anything. And I'm actually shocked too. I just, dude, that's my. thing. I will tell the straight up truth to everyone. If I get pulled over, hey, guess what? I'm telling the truth. Do you know how fast you were going? Absolutely not because I was in a really good mood and that's why I was speeding, sir. Thank you. That's what we do. We tell the truth. We just tell the truth. What are you going to do? I'm sorry, sir. I have been having a good morning um i'm really excited because my crush liked my story and that's why i'm going 108 miles an hour in a 40 i swear to god i've never looked at a speed limit son

am i crazy i don't give a fuck what the speed limit is it's because i drive like a single mom i think i just always drive 30 and uh yeah i don't really care i'm like i can't get a ticket if I'm always driving 30. But I don't know what it was that morning. I was just flying and I didn't give a fuck. And I just told the cops straight up. I was like, yeah, I'm just like in a good mood. And this song was playing, this Black Eyed Peas song was playing.

So that's kind of why I was going fast. Kind of lame I know, but dab it up. Dap it up for Will I Am real quick. I want to scream and shout and let it all out like, me-oh-e-oh-e-oh-e-oh is that we-ho-e-oh-e-oh-me just flying past barricades and shit tell the truth babe just tell the truth yeah so that's all that's all you got to do even when you get in trouble just tell the truth because we're dude here the fam the psychos club we're not good at lying

if you're a good liar like that's crazy to me I'm the worst fucking liar in the history of liars. My face becomes so red when I lie that you can already tell I lied without even talking. And every time I lie, like, dude, I'm so bad at lying, I need someone to, like, help me with the lie. You ever lying to someone in halfway through? You're just like, fuck.

I don't know. Can you, like, can you at least agree with me a little bit? I know this is a bad lie, but can you, can you give me, like, a nod? Give me some reassurance that this lie's working a little bit. Dude, when somebody knows you're lying during your lie. He's pathetic. But yeah, dude, I'm a dead giveaway. I can't lie.

It's so obvious. I'll start fucking laughing halfway through a lie and be like, I'm sorry. I'm just a piece of shit, and I'm lying right now. I will straight up give in. Espresso law. Always tell the truth, even if it's the most fucking embarrassing thing you've ever said in your life, because it's probably relatable. Because everyone is a piece of shit. Yeah, so Milky Boy gets banned from Eddie's Calzones, which makes the most sense in my mind, I only know Milky Boy from this podcast, but he has been crushing.

and him getting banned from Eddie's Calzone after a spring ball party is just a storybook ending to his college football career. Can we talk about spring ball real quick how everyone could not wait to get so drunk after the spring ball game? Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

Maybe. All right, in football, this is the fun, this is the thing about, this is one thing about me, when I signed up to play college football, I had no idea. that there was spring ball, too. I thought we just played in the fall

and then just worked out and shit all summer, spring, and then we played in the fall again. I didn't know there was a whole season in the spring. So I'm like, damn, what? So you practice like every day, like it's an, like you're, like you're gonna play a game

and no one wants to do it. And when the game rolls around after 15,000 weeks of practice, everybody wants to be drunk. Even the coaches. I kind of think the coaches are drunk. But it's like the biggest party after, and I totally get why he got banned from a Calzone's place,

probably at like 3 a.m. I feel you. But he threw up all over the bathroom. That's, that's, that's, that's, I mean, if you're going to get, that's probably why he got kicked out. I'm not going to laugh. What's the weirdest place you've ever thrown up? I don't know.

know why but just don't ever put me in a back of in the back of a car when i'm like on something just you can't when i'm like doing anything don't put me in the back of a car i one sip of wine put me in the back of a car and i'm the i thought i was a sexy thrower upper i'm ugly dude i'm ugly my mouth unhinges like a snake. My whole body starts sweating. I start turning into a vampire and shit. Dude, my mouth gets so wide when I throw up. It's literally like a fucking alligator.

It's so gross. And I can't move. And yes, I have a vivid memory of throwing up because it happened this past weekend. Destroyed an entire wardrobe. my best fit destroyed but uh yeah man don't put me in the back of car i'll throw up immediately just keep going

most horrific thing you've ever done in public so it's not like the most horrific thing i've ever done but um one thing i used to do i would be at red lights and the car next to me would have a dog, I would, like, raise both of my hands up, like, claws, and then, like, growl at them, like, err, and, like, snarled to, like, make them bark at me. And then whenever the driver or the people in the car would, like, look over, I would just, like, act like, normal. And then I would, like, go back to doing it when they turned away. I don't know. I get bored at red

lights, so I annoy people around me. I never got caught. Never got caught once. doing it. Thank God. You know, there's a lot of shit that I've done in traffic. That is really bad. Dude, one time we were just behind a fire truck at a red light

and we just got out of the car, took the axe off the back, and then just got back in the car like absolutely nothing happened. And nothing happened. Just got an axe. And everybody watched and they're like, all right, you guys needed a fucking fireman axe. Cool.

getting dogs all riled up at red lights fun little game to play it's not bad but have you ever done it with a baby in a checkout line you know when babies are facing like the they're facing you and the mom's facing forward they have they're carrying it like this dude i will do everything without saying anything without saying anything thing or using any hands to make that baby cry. Dude, if a baby's looking at me, I'm making the face of a demon. I don't want you looking at me, baby. What do you want me to do?

Like, I'll be nice for a second. Hi, yeah, yeah. And then I just, just to see what, just to, just to, you know, it might be having too good of a life right now. And I want to make it, you know, we got to, install some fear in the baby. Oh, well. Is it a horrific thing I've done in public?

Absolutely. But I will turn into Satan if a baby's looking at me. Just to see. Because if the baby laughs, then I'm like, oh shit. Okay. We're both going to hell. But like, there's a lot of pressure there. Baby starts crying in me, especially in church, dude.

If a baby's looking at me in church, I do turn into the devil. Me, when a baby's looking at me. Hey. But, you know, you just, you got to keep yourself entertained. Let's keep going. Okay, this is actually so heinous. I can't believe that I did this. But I was going to a country concert where you sit in the lawn or whatever.

And I had just turned 21. So I was like ready to go like, ball out and like drink till I died and um I was wearing a little jean skirt and underneath my jean skirt I was wearing like spandex like Nike pro shorts or whatever and um the lines were like super long for the bathrooms and I had to go really bad and so I just sat down in the grass on the hill and like lifted up my jeans skirt sat and just pissed in my spandex shorts and let it run down the hill and then continued to like be at the concert for the rest

of the time just like sitting in my own piss so yeah it's pretty nasty but yeah so that was my thing I did in public that was atrociously embarrassing. Set the fucking tone girly that's what I'm talking about

nasty ass and you know what also she adds also like people standing in front of me probably were like why the f is there a stream running down besides my feet oh no worries just drunk girls pee hope they weren't in sandals i will pee anywhere at any time i don't know if i do it on myself though i don't think i've ever had to well i guess it's different because i can just whip it out for girls you might have to take one for the team and just pee on yourself.

I love it. I love that honesty. That's where we need to be. That's where we need to be with the voice messages. They're anonymous, by the way. And yeah, I might know when you send it in, but it just makes me like you more. It makes everyone like you more.

Actually, I wish I could say this person's name because, like, that is admirable. I love a little. little pee on dude though just let it rip in spandex how good did that feel i guess we all do it like when we're swimming i think that's kind of gross i can't really man up and admit that i just pissed in somebody's pool because i always think they're gonna have that chlorine that like puts it like you know it like it like marks it on you how embarrassing would that be but like the way people will pee anywhere at concerts

is kind of an art. People peeing behind car doors. I think you should just be allowed to do it. Like if you're covered, just pee. You know how bad? I can't do anything if I have to pee. Do I've heard like some horror stories of like

some dudes on my like football team and shit growing up? Like it's hard to take off all your pants and your pads and like you're all that shit. So they'll just piss on themselves during games and it'll be like the center so the quarterback's just put in his hands just in some just in some pissy spandex some pissy football pants are hot hot green 80 you just fucking pissed your pen green lady you're a disgusting monster green missy piss pants

I like it. This is what, this is what we should be talking about. This is Psycho Club. This is a Psycho Club free admittance card. You're in the club. You pee your parents at a concert and just chill? Oh my God. You're captain. Missy Piss Pants. Let's keep on. I dumpster dove in our apartment complex in college because,

I accidentally threw away my roommate's paycheck that she left in a pile of junk mail. She asked if I knew where it went and I told her I didn't. And I felt so awful about it. I climbed into the dumpster in broad daylight to sift through piles of garbage to find it. And I looked like a literal sewer skunk rat, just perched on top of trash bags, tearing them open like a gremlin. I usually don't mind disregarding societal norms and I'm not really afraid of breaking the law either. but this was not my proudest moment because of course

10 different people came to bring their trash out in the two hours I decided to play raccoon and one guy took a picture of me and I told him what I was looking for and then he called me a gold digger and sent it as a meme around campus I did find her paycheck but by the time I got it to her she had filed

for direct deposit so I guess you could say my scavenging time was wasted total God! Oh God! Fire voice message! dude fam is on point right now how come I don't think dumpster diving's that bad

how many times have I thrown some shit away in the trash and had to dig through that it's always like it's always in the worst trash can ever where there's 30,000 people around it and my just fucking both my full entire arms are in it and kind of my head too but that little dumpster like enclosure they have at apartment complexes,

how come I kind of want to sleep in there? I don't know why, but it looks like a cool little house. I'm obsessed with cool little like nooks and shit in houses. Like if there's a little like reading place, like in a house, like above the front door,

like in the balcony, dude, I will live up there forever. And I will piss my spandex pants up there up there. but like when I see somebody dumpster diving part of me almost wants to help them I'm like oh shit I've been there way too many times dog I swear to God I've been in so many dumpsters looking for shit because I I'm a little bitch that'll throw some shit out I'll throw something out immediately at the airport I'm throwing everything away

boarding pass tickets boarding boarding boarding and sticker boarding board i'm like bye all of it gone dude i can't deal with trash it's gone i'll throw everything away and i'll regret all of it i wonder how many checks i've thrown away just like fuck it it's because mail i can't stand mail and i will throw all mail away if you mail me something dude i'm there's like a 75% chance i'm not going to get it, because I'll throw it away. That's good for you, though. You went out there for your friend

in the midst of everything in college and got her check. That's some real homie shit. I bet you found, like, like, you ever look in the dumpster or in the trash can? see like kind of a score and you're like fuck

I can't believe they threw that away some lucky ass homeless guy's about to scoop that you little rat let's keep going so the worst thing I've done in public my boy he had this ex-girlfriend that was a raging cunt

and me of the new girlfriend were walking around the neighborhood and we see her car the ex-girlfriend's car and so we decided that I would take out my used tampon and I threw it on her windshield oh my god

that's ratty horrific public display of affection dude you just you just you just ejected that thing and plopped it on, dude, I'm a, I'm a huge advocate of throwing things on people's windshields. Like, things that won't harm the windshield itself.

But, like, I'll go out of my way to get a milkshake and spike that shit on somebody's windshield. Oh, the sound it makes, the explosion, your tampon? Pff! I'm not going to lie, that probably had to feel good. I don't know what ejecting a tampon feels like, but I can I can bet it's like what it feels like when you take off a pair of jeans.

You're just like, oh, thank fucking God. Did women, you guys have to be so uncomfortable the entire day. Always wearing the tightest shit, tampon in, thong on, bra on. I wonder you guys are always in bad fucking moods, dude All the restrictions You're walking around crucified the entire day Why don't we just nail your hands and feet to something to Jesus Christ, yo

No, but I Have I ever peed on a car? Absolutely not I've sticky netted a car That was fun I've saran wrapped a hummer before That was good Um

What's the most fucked up thing I've ever done to a car Spiked a milkshake on a car That was the best moment of my life Put a tampon on the windshield And you know she didn't find it for a minute either you know it was just like chilling like in the in that part of her hood you know it like rolls down and it's in that part of her hood by her windshield wipers it was just it was sitting there

for sure for like days oh that was good used tampons always fire you should i wish you would have got in her car and dangled it from her like her rearview mirror like dice All right, Benny. The most horrific thing I've ever done in public was during a dinner movie date. Dinner, we went to this Japanese restaurant, had a great time doing the whole Habachi thing, you know. And the movie was Hunger Games. Never seen it. So we went to go see.

I think it was like Mockingbird, whatever. And about two-thirds of the way into the movie, my stomach is queasy like none other, just churning like crazy. and, you know, just out of nowhere, just up-chucked everything that was in my gut. Yeah. All over my seat, everything was bad. And we were in the middle of the aisle, so I had no easy escape. Thankfully enough, though, I had the wherewithal to jump over the railing that was between the top and bottom section of the movie theater and did a mad dash to the restroom where I stayed there for the rest of the night.

So, yeah, I guess, you know, the odds weren't in my favor that day. I wonder. I always have an escape plan every time I'm in a public place the first thing I think about is alright if somebody fucking comes in here and try to kill me

where am I going and my second thought is like okay if I'm about to throw up I don't know why I think throwing up in front of people is more embarrassing than like showing my entire ass you know

throwing up in front of your crush or showing them your entire asshole I'm picking asshole I don't care boop-boop it's easy and everybody has the same butt dude everybody has the same butt everybody has the same butt

everybody has the same but new merch but like when you throw up it's your whole it's your whole entire life they see they know your smell they know your noises they know you're like

they know you're like dying position dude when you're throwing up you're that's close to dying I think bro and I'm a fucking mess when I throw up I will kill everyone around me and I don't I like I I wouldn't mind um like if I'm throwing up outside I wouldn't mind staying outside the whole entire night in that same place I'll be homeless

just don't fuck with me when I'm throwing up dude I don't throwing up is oh dude smelling someone's throw up is That lets me know everything that I need to know about them. Bro, but you're throwing up in a public place for me is crazy. So you could just do it in that movie theater right in the seat next to you? I think that's a very common occurrence. Like people will throw up at movie theaters. There's probably like seven a day.

Isn't the whole bathroom kind of throw upy? Every movie theater bathroom, I'm like, oh. I bet more people throw up in movie theaters than like amusement parks. what's the worst place you've ever thrown up i blasted a toilet one time i didn't even get it in the toilet dude fourth grade you're dipping i always think that's embarrassing too like when you when you just got to get up and

go everybody's like wait oh what the where's it going your teacher and shit the door's locked throw up all over the door that's more embarrassing than me actually than showing my butt show your butter throw up pick one

but I blasted this toilet dude and it was all peaches dude I remember everything I've thrown up ever and I don't care if this is a gross podcast we're gross you still gotta kiss me every day but we're gross you know gross shit is good too

because everybody everybody everybody's gross everybody's a gross little piece of shit I've thrown up you know those peaches in like the the can the canned goods peaches oh I

82 of them all over this toilet croutons croutons I've gotten my ass probably three times salmon and I threw up salmon that ruined my entire life the other day

chunky wine on a sidewalk. It looked like the Grim Reaper threw up. So gross, it looked like death on the... It was black. I was like, I'm a pirate.

I'm a pirate. If you threw up black, you're a pirate. Thrown up in a movie theater would get me so... Oh. got a dip see you later

peace let's keep going the most horrific thing I've done in public and I guess I think of this one event where I went to a corn maze with my family

and I was so terrified by the chainsaw that I just took off running like where I thought was the exit but it was like this black chain fence that you couldn't even see

and I just plowed through it and like knocked it over. I think I scared more people than the chainsaw but my face was like cut up and it was bleeding and I was like 14 so that was pretty

horrific horrifying but another time I went bowling, had a couple drinks in my hand, was not drunk and I slipped down these stairs with two drinks in my hand did not spill a single drop but that was pretty horrific.

Dude, those corn mazes, it is spooky season now, so we can fucking talk. Those corn maces with the chainsaws, have you ever thought, like, why doesn't just a serial killer go there and just actually kill people? Is that just me?

We getting a little too personal on this pod. But every year, I'm like, who's going to do it? who's going to go to a Halloween fest with a corn maze with chainsaw guys and actually bring a real chainsaw because you could just walk up in there that is actually my dream job

comedian actor no thanks being the guy with a fake chainsaw in a corn maze please or just working at Spirit Halloween please or just making donuts please

but yeah I would get that scared at one of those corn mazes too I could never do one of those haunted houses where they like pay you to do it you have to sign a waiver before you go in oh I would end up beating the shit out of somebody on some weird shit like I won't beat up like

dude somebody could like kill my whole family and I wouldn't beat them up but if somebody like pretends to scare me in a hallway with a clown mask on I will kill them sorry bozo that's weird that's weird oh

I remember when I went to a haunted house last year in the I thought I was going to get I thought spirits were going to be attached to me in the whole entire my whole entire life and that might be actually but it was the worst haunted house I ever been to in my life

it was so fake and I was being such an ass in it like for the first little go around I was like this is really creepy and then the second time we went around I was like this is so fake it's like jumping on the beds and shit like there were a bunch of balloons in one room

and I was just like hitting them like God I'm the worst person to take to a haunted house for real you can't take me anywhere let's keep going bro I got married most horrific thing you've ever done in public

that's so true dude oh no no no don't make me talk about marriage right now don't make me talk I will I'll drag marriage

can you imagine that Can you imagine? I don't think anyone who's in a healthy relationship is listening to this podcast so we can talk about it. But dude, it would be my nightmare to get married.

I would be so embarrassed to get married. Why is that the most embarrassing thing I can think of doing? I'll throw up naked in front of you and then belly flop on your windshield with throw up all over my body, naked. Tiniest pee ever. On the front of your Chevy Cavalier.

A hundred days in a row rather than get married. I would, if I was getting married, I would turn around to everyone. and say, I'm really sorry about this, but I can't do it. Bye. There's no way. There's no way! My family's there? Ew. My best friends are there? No. Go home.

The love of my life is there? No! There's a priest. Nobody fucking knows that's marrying us. That is just like there. No. Dude, if I get married, I want it to be at a fucking insane asylum or something. Give me the craziest shit. People are flying in from out of town to be there.

No! There's a reception after? Kill me. Golden rule, the espresso pod. We tell the truth. And we never getting married. If we get married, we sign a document and we're married. All right, that's cool.

That's cool. We got to do it for taxes or some shit. There's one thing about us. We're not wearing wedding attire. We're not. Absolutely not. We're not doing it. We're not doing it.

where do you get married Hannah haunted acres that's terrifying bro that was definitely the best one so far hey Benny oh my god okay I'll get married summer me and my friends decided to go swimming

and we know a really good spot like the one you can that has like cliffs that you can jump from and um it really yeah basically i ran i jumped and i lost my swimming suit top so yeah was fun uh yeah that is one of the biggest fears of my entire life too uh remember the first time before you went tubing they're like hey we're going tubing and you're like that sounds fun and they're like but remember uh you can die

you'll probably tear your ACL it's like a 75% chance you'll do that and you're definitely going to lose all your clothes so you still want to go and everybody's like

yeah bro going tubing has no positive benefit going tubing you're taking an L

you're going to get the fucking wind knocked out of you you're going to see Jesus Christ at some point you're going to think you're dying you are going to get hurt it's going to feel like you got in a fight

like a bad one and your stupid little ass and dick are going to show how funny is that and everybody does it dude I can't do it I can't be bothered you want to go tubing but I'll still say yeah yeah I'm going I'll just stay in the boat though

yeah fucking 10 minutes in I'm on this big-ass raft fighting for my life so now dude it's always your drunk-ass friend in the driving it Captain Crunch driving the boat

somebody's weird uncle drunk as shit Captain Morgan up there And you're just hanging on for deer live praying for your AC. Dude, I know this girl, she went tubing, tore both her ACLs. Are you kidding me? That's why I don't want to do anything ever. Oh, there goes my...

And you're always with the girl that you like. Now she sees my stupid little dick. Great. And I'm like beat up. You know, dude. Is that worse than throwing up? Getting married or throwing up? Or going tubing.

Dude, tubing has to be the worst thing that's ever happened. To society. What are we doing? What are we doing when we're tubing? That's the last one. Damn it, that was fun. Oh my god, the most horrific thing you've ever done in public. Skinny dipping is also very embarrassing.

I've done it before, but it was only with a fucking three dudes, obviously. Have I ever skinny dip with a girl? Absolutely not. Am I the luckiest man alive? anyway uh what happened this uh this uh this week yo your girl benny was in los angeles and first of all the flight there it was good it was fine it was fun but i just cannot believe can we update some of the uniforms that like firefighters policemen and like pilots wear i was looking at a pilot for seven

17 minutes like this. Pilots! Update the fit! You look like a Lego man! That's got to be the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen anyone wear. A pilot's, like, outfit? And isn't funny that pilots are just like

fucking around in the airport with us before the flight? I'm standing by 14 pilots at Starbucks. I'm like, guys, I don't know Get in the plane That stupid ass Captain Hat I'm like dude

This is a Delta flight Going from Indianapolis To Minnesota Like shut up man Okay top gun Craiest thing I've ever done In my life But also why do I want to buy

Everything at the airport I have I'll walk in there with eight bucks and I'll go in I'll buy $178 worth of shit at an airport how come I just always need a drink my dumb ass dude

I'm so stupid I like for some reason there's always people doing dumb shit at the airports and I always have to film them and I got a little too carried away and my ADHD ass missed my flight. Cringe, crick, crick, quack, quack, quack, cringe moment of the week.

I was doing 200 things, and I walk by my like, my, uh, whatever, D 27, 27 D or whatever. And I'm like, okay, there's still, because my whole thing is, all right, let, let the people get on the plane and then I'll get on the plane. I'm not waiting in a line to get on the plane. So I wait till the very last second to board. Like usually they call my name.

Like probably like 10 out of 10 times. They'll be like, Benedict Pelosi. Last call. And I'm like, all right, that's when I'm going. Is it kind of a little bitch-ass move a little bit? But like, I'm not standing in that line. And my dumb ass missed the entire flight.

Because I was trying to do the tube girl thing on the transit. it. By the way, two-brile taking over, two-brile taking over, and I'm all for it. She's a sleigh. Did I try to do it? Yes. Did I miss my flight trying to do it? Absolutely.

Whew. Yeah, but I got to L.A. It was great. Immediately went to work out because I, when you have plain ass, you need to go work out after. And it was nice.

It was on like a rooftop. God, it was so, everything in L.A. is so like, like, spectacular. I'm like, do we,

does it need to be this good? Like, give me some bullshit. But of course, it's on a rooftop and there's smoothies. And like, I'm just like, this is the most L.A.

shit of all time. Of course. Like everybody there looks like they're on Instagram and they're not working out. Hey, people in L.A. People in L.A. Do you guys get anything done? It's crazy to me. I'm like, I don't think anyone here has ever completed a task.

Is it just because I'm an old Indiana working hard boy? But I'm like, there's no way anyone's getting anything done here. Even when I'm working out, I'm like, bro, you. you haven't even started yet. Like people in L.A. will work out, but those be on their phones and, like, do one pull up. I'm like, why'd you even come here?

Did that? Did cryotherapy? Like a free trial? It's when you get in this, like, this little, like, port-a-potty-sized thing. It's like a handicapped bathroom stall size. And you just freeze. to death.

It's like taking a cold shower, kind of you do it for three minutes and 30 seconds. It's the most white thing to do ever. No, no, no, no. It's the most white thing to do ever. I just outed myself. White people shit. Going in a freezer for three minutes and 30 seconds,

that's like negative 17 degrees to shock your body. So white. So white and so rich. It did kind of work a little bit. bit though but I did feel I felt exactly like mint chocolate chip ice cream the whole time I was like this is crazy and uh it was getting so unbearably hard that I started saying prayers because I was with somebody in there like I bet you can't last and I was like all right all right

anytime anything gets hard I start saying prayers but I was like hanging from a mountain like 20 27 seconds in, I'm like, Armfather, or not a minute, I love in the name, thank you don't go. And then I fall to my death.

But, yeah, it was a good experience. I felt like ice cream. And it worked. I had a show that night at the Laugh Factory, and the fam came out. I love you.

You crazy little psychos. I promoted the show at the Laugh Factory for five hours I think and I think half of the crowd was for me wearing the merch coming up to me after the show

fuck! You know how much that means to me? We're gonna keep going baby. Actually I'm going back next Tuesday I'll be there Hollywood Improv Let's kiss

kiss me every day but that was the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life that people were just there for me. I mean, it sounds shitty, but like, I kind of carried the crowd. You guys did. You guys showed the fuck up, man. You don't know how much that means to me. Seriously, I love you so much. But another one, Tuesday night, this coming Tuesday at the Hollywood Improv at 9.45 p.m. and probably some other shows, too. Keep a lookout on IG.

that was and we took pictures after the show we were fucking around that's my favorite thing to do after a show is just straight up say the dumbest shit anything goes you see me in public you say whatever you want to me that is that's that's law we don't get married we tell the truth and we say whatever we want in public whisper in my ear slap my ass and make me fly. That's what I want. That's what I want. God damn it, that's what I want.

Don't you just want to say that kind of shit to somebody in their ear anyway? Just a random person? That's like my real... That's me, like if I... If you couldn't get arrested, I would go up to everybody in their ear and go, slap my ass and make me fly.

That's what I would do. Mm-hmm. If I'm about to die, and they're like, you can do one last thing on earth. What's it going to be? I'm like, slap my ass and make me fly. Just in some random person's ear. And then I'm like, I'm good.

And then I die. So funny. Dude, I love you guys so much. Mean the entire world to me. You guys. Thank you. But yeah, more shows coming up in L.A. And, yeah.

If anyone has any information, advice on how to get anything done in that portion of California. Let me know. It might be all of California. Maybe it's me, but I'm like, no one's doing anything here. I was on the marquee at the Laugh factory. I was on the fucking marquee. Do you understand? Dude, that's, the Laugh Factory is the place. I hate to like toot my own horn, grossest thing I've ever said in my life. but like yo I was on that shit crazy to me then right after the show

me and one of my friends went to Palm Springs a little crazy trip little crazy trip went to Dell Taco on the way there never doing that again holy shit I've never said like I'm never eating that again to anything but that that is one

where I'm not going to eat that again like it was just overwhelmingly fair food and I was really hungry and I was going in and I might have been going in a little too hard but I'm never going to get that again it's safe to say that then we went to in and out went to in and out

I always have a great time in and out I thought I ordered four triple protein style burgers hate the word burger said it anyway only got one a little let down but still good still good we're still we're still good we're still good went to a concert in palm springs the next day odessa odessa how old am i that i can't even say that but i've never heard of him in my life maybe that's just a me thing but i've never heard of like 95% of things people do but uh yeah

that concert was insane just you know sometimes you get to do some crazy shit so you can talk about it. Went to a concert on a party bus that I had no right to be at. Was in a sweet it was so the light show? Dude, it got to me.

Honestly, it got to me. It got in my head. And it was kind of magical and it got me so hard that I started to get emotional. and I had to go to the bathroom because I was like, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, I got a chill, I got a chill, I got to chill. Went in the bathroom and started like, you know when you just like, you're having a moment? I was having a moment in public. And I was looking in the mirror in the bathroom and I was like, I started filming myself and I was having like a little like self like talk reflection. Just thinking like, okay, I just performed at the laugh. This is crazy. The fam came out like. And now I'm at this concert. And I was having like, like a, am I, am I doing something moment?

Is this, is this progress? Is this the next step of something? And dude, I start crying, filming. And I'm like, you can do it. This is you, man. You can do it. Look at yourself. You can, come on, you can do it.

You know, you look into your eyes in the mirror real hard. And you're just like, you can do this, dude. Come on. anyone came all this way and there you come on and I'm like breaking down a little bit looking at myself in the mirror and then someone comes out of the stall cringe moment of the week and I immediately turned my camera off and I think I jogged out of the bathroom I was like hush it was good it was good uh did a podcast out there went to a place called Barney's Beanery. That was fun. So much swag in LA. I saw somebody wearing a puka shell

necklace and a crop top and I was jealous. So much swag in L.A. Went to a night club called Hyde. Had way too much wine. Went to Runyon. You know, the freaking mountain. The freaking mountain or whatever. I've never been more, I don't think I've more, I've been more out of shape than right now. I, I don't think I've ran up a hill like that. Dude, the way I was breathing was insane. And my, like my ankles are sore. There was a rattlesnake up there. It was just, it was, it was crazy. Then I filmed a little video where I walked down the hill. I don't know, you guys might have saw that. I'm just rehashing the trip. I had dinner at one of the sexiest places in the world. It was called Laurel Hardware. I thought it was a hardware store the

whole time, but they served pizza and margaritas and shit. And then the last day I was in LA, I locked myself in a room and just edited things because I have to. I just have to. It's the, it's the, it's a weirdo in me. I just had to not see anyone for an entire day because that's what I really like doing is not seeing anyone. And I think that's a, that's an espresso law too. We tell the truth. We don't. get married. I think, oh, we say anything we want. Slap my ass and make me fly. And, uh, we love being alone. We love being alone so hard. We love being alone so

fucking hard. God damn it, we love being alone. More than anything. But yeah, but no, no, no. Actually, when I was in this, like, I took about of pizza. I took a bite of a piece of a pizza roll. I took a bite of pizza rolls. And this sounds insane. I took a bite of up a pizza roll and I lost half of my tooth. Show and tell. Yeah. Yeah. Has half your tooth ever just fallen off? It's happened twice when I eat frozen food. And I've, I made sure the food was warmed up. Twice. the first time was a chicken patty with uh um hummus on top of it tooth just cracked in half second time was a pizza roll tooth just shatters

so now i'm all i'm all i'm a right side chewer right now i'm just and every time i drink something i always forget got to have a straw every time i drink something it hurts so bad And it's so cold on my tooth. So your boy, your boy came out with a couple scrapes and it was, he has half a tooth. And he lost his, uh, he lost his Dodgers jersey in the process. Well, too much wine one night, a little too much wine. Went a little, went a little too rat. But, um, trip was a success.

Lock down another show for next week. But how is anyone getting anything done in L. I kind of want to move. Should I move? Do we move? Can he beat all the odds and move? He's tried before. Tried before and it didn't work.

But I'm thinking about it. Honestly, I'm thinking about it for real. Actual, actual fam info only. I'm thinking about moving to L.A. Because I've got, I've got, I kind of got a little, I kind of got a line. up a little bit. And if I can keep getting shows out there, why are we to keep flying out there, you know?

I think just do it, right? Just do it and see what happens. That's kind of what we do. It's kind of what the club does. It's kind of what the fam does. We just do shit and see if it works out. Didn't work out before. But we'll see. I kind of have a better plan this time. Two days of the week real quick and then I'll shut the fuck up forever. Days of the week. Today, beer day. Was obsessed with Corona for a week. Can't drink it ever again now.

Good neighbor day. Good neighbor day. Like a good motherfucking neighbor. I think if you have a good neighbor, I think that's the neighbor that doesn't talk to you ever. Sometimes it feels good to have a neighbor that's real friendly with you and shit

because they'll like watch over your house. When you're gone, you can be like, hey, can you just like make sure everything's cool over here? But the best neighbors ever are the ones you just never see. That was my house growing up. We didn't talk to fucking anybody. We were probably the weirdos on the block. I'm not going to lie. Me growing up in my house, I was just playing football with myself the entire time.

Throwing a ball up and jukeing fake people out. They'd be like, okay, that kid's insane. and I've never seen anyone else in their family. I think if you're a good neighbor, you don't say shit to anybody. Friday, National Coffee Day. I might never change up from this. Straight pike. Venty Pike, three ice cubes.

Get me right, Zaddy. And you know, the Starbucks hack, if you want to get your coffee immediately at Starbucks, you just ask for what they have on draft, Pike, Blonde, or Dark Roast. If you just ask for one of those, they have to get it immediately. He figured it out.

Saturday. Save your photos day. By the way, I have every photo I've ever taken on my phone, and it is embarrassing. Mudpack day Chewing gum day Family health and fitness day Imagine is there anything more embarrassing

than getting married? Yeah Working out with your entire family at a fitness center Go to hell I'll never be that family I don't think that usually when I talk shit about stuff

it means that I really want to do it But I don't think I could take my wife and three kids to a family fitness center and work out. I would be screaming the whole time. My wife, my three kids there trying to work out, me the whole time. No! Too real? Too real. Sunday.

Uh, black dog day? Homemade cookie day. Want to know something wild? Every time I think about homemade cookies, I think of, I have one, one single memory that comes to mind. This is the only memory I have as a child.

One time my mom made cookies and I put one on a stool and she's sat on it. And I will never forget that. I don't think I've ever seen anyone sit on a warm cookie before. But that shit, will always be in my mind she just straight up set on a cookie fresh out of the oven

and the stool was like level to like where I could eat off of it so I just put it on there walked away my mom just drop that ass right on the cookie sit on a cook I bet that shit felt kind of good all right shot 282 yo that was a wild ride baby we're gonna be doing longer pods just cause you know

Just cuss. We're gonna be putting half of them sitting on a cookie, dude. The things I do to sit on a warm cookie right now? Oh, my god. Imagine sitting on a warm cookie right now. Who's not doing it? Who's not doing it? But my pants, it'll fuck up my...

You can wash your pants. Hun. We're gonna be putting half of these on... We're gonna alternate. We're gonna put one of these on Patreon, one on YouTube, one on Patreon, one on YouTube. Because we gotta grow the... We gotta grow the Psycho's Club. grow the Psychos Club. We got to grow the fam.

So your girl can live in L.A. Got to support the pod. Got to kiss me every day. I love you guys. Vids coming in hot. Let me know. Famine, but only, it's coming in hot. Thanks for listening. Thank you for the voice

messages. Thanks for coming out to the shows. Got some this Tuesday in Hollywood. I love you guys so much. I'll see you next time