Espresso - most illegal thing you've done at work

Episode Date: February 8, 2024

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And then every once in a while, we would get like a super sporty car, like a super WRX or something, and we would just rev the shit out of the engine until it nearly blew up. Espresso Podcast Shot 301. I'm your boyfriend, Benny, who eats a sweet treat every night at 11 p.m. and then wakes up the next day and wonders why his love handles are kind of soft. But can we talk? Before we get into it, remember, hey, Tiki's on sale for Orlando, the funny bone. Bring your sweet ass, sit your little tight ass in the seat, bring a PB&J, and let's have a good night.

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wearing my merch to church. You might be my merch is shit. You're wearing around the house. You know what I mean? Shit you're wearing in the gym. Just like it's comfortable. It's not too much. You're just like, yeah, this I'm, I'm rocking this today. I'm wearing feeling wonky right now. Like, dude, look at it on my, my hoodies are perfect for under shit. Like, dude, just, just cop, just cop. Um, and I know you're, I know you're thinking about it too. Like, should I get one of those? Just do it, bro. Just do it. Pull the trick, pull trick, pull trick. And and uh obviously watch f boy island uh season one two and three streaming on the cw app you don't need a password you don't need to log in

just download the app and watch curly pop uh but the espresso quick quick quick question of the week it's a good one we thought about this one on the uh patreon live stream we all got together and we were like yo what would be a fried question of the week that's why the live stream is so dope join patreon get in the live stream every week and we just we talk about the coolest shit and part of it is like bro what should the podcast be like because this is the fam you know what i mean it's not just me calling shots out here it's a fam effort but question of the week what's the most illegal thing you've ever done at work it doesn't have to be like the most horrible ass like damn I could have gone to jail for that but

just the thing that's like that is is not suitable. I wouldn't recommend doing that. I've done a lot of stuff like that. Like I had this job where I just was talking about this on Instagram. I worked in this building that was really tall and I would just go up to the top floor because it was like, it was like open for employees. Like on your break, you could go out there and you could eat. It was like a really nice view of the city. And I worked hours that like no one else worked. So I was always in the building by myself. Scary. Imagine being in a building all by yourself overnight. But I'd go up to that top floor where we were allowed to go. That was fine. That wasn't illegal. go up to that top floor where we were allowed to go. That was fine. That wasn't illegal. And I would like just lean my head over the edge. So the city was just at my fingertips and I'd spit down there

and try to land on people's heads. Cause who's not doing that? Honestly, I don't know. It just seems logical to me. Like, dude, if there's a far distance between my mouth and the ground, I'm going to spit to see how far it really is. It's a, it might be a guy thing. I'm pretty sure girls want to do it, but they don't. Maybe it's just not the first thing that crosses their mind. But for me, it's, it's that, and then maybe jumping. But, uh and you said that the sound of the spit when it hits the ground it's just like you're like oh did you hear that every time i every time i'm up like on a high surface i'm like i gotta spit real quick hold on for the boys you gotta you gotta you gotta take a spit spit tank but uh yeah dude and i used to line it up with people's heads and I think I hit once but

it was a guy on a motorcycle and he was wearing a helmet so it was like and he probably just thought it was bird poop but a couple other times like I do it and he'd get real close and people would look up and by the by the time they looked up bro I was gone lean back lean back lean back I'd lean back they look up and be like that is so weird because I swear to god that spit but yeah that's what I did at work that was actually uh the the thing I looked forward to most at work what did I used to do um this I guess this isn't really illegal but I used to shave my face and my entire body in the bathroom at work, like just on the clock. I had this one job where it didn't matter what time you got there and what time you left. You just had to be there for eight hours

every day. And I was like, okay. So I went there at like 5am sometimes, sometimes 4am. And then I'd leave at like, uh, 2pm and stuff like that. Noon didn't matter. I was like eight hours right and i always felt like guilty leaving but i was like i got here at 4 a.m fuck you but i'd be here i'd be there at 4 a.m and for the first like two hours bro i was like low-key like kind of like dozing off i'd go to the bathroom like every 15 seconds i'd like go in the bathroom and dance and like practice like the like this dance you know i mean the, like this dance, you know what I mean? The, I forget, uh, what is that called? Um, like the Odell Beckham jr. Dances. Damn. I can't think of the name of that. But, um, yeah. And I'd shave my whole face. I take off all my clothes,

shave my whole body, dry off, use the paper towels in there, dry off. I bring my little bathroom bag in there, put all my clothes back on and then just go back to my computer. Yep. What were you doing? I was just going to the bathroom. Just had a dance party, shave my whole body. What? What are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do about it? On company time? I don't know if it's illegal or not, but I did it. Uh, one time I worked at this job where no supervisor was there and I just had to be, okay. I had to be in a weight room for eight hours and the shift started at 7am. So I'd go to the weight room at 7am, unlock the door so people could come in and I just go back to my room and sleep for four hours and then

come back. Best job ever. Uh, I painted an entire house the wrong color. It's not illegal, but like maybe it is, you know, it probably, if you look like into the, I don't know, whatever fucking constitution or whatever the hell, it probably is illegal to do that. I just painted a house, got hired to paint a house, painted the whole house the wrong color. Was it my fault? It's always my fault. So, yeah, it was. But let's get into your guys.

What's the thing you did at your job that was illegal? Dude, when I was in college and i was a server i stole food all the time that's how i ate food in college it's just from like the food i would steal from the restaurants i never got caught never once like my favorite one to do was um Like my favorite one to do was say someone called in order to go. Oh, yeah. And it's really just like you placing an order of what you want to eat. And then they just never show up.

And then when the manager just tells you to throw away the food or whatever, or they'll be like, yeah, you can have it. You're like, yes, free food. But I don't know. I stole a lot of food. And when I bartended, I drank a lot on the job. And you stole a lot of food and when i bartended i drank a lot on the job and you stole a lot of money don't lie that's hey hey part of the deal i've said it a lot on this podcast sometimes you do something and you might do something that's like, like you're at a movie

theater. You buy a bunch of candy, snacks, and popcorn. You litter your dick off in the movie theater because it's part of the deal. They're ripping you off for the food prices. You litter. And it's just like, yeah, that's what we're doing. You think I'm really going to throw this shit away after you charge me $10 for gobstoppers. Part of the deal. But at a restaurant, there's a lot of little loopholes like that. And everybody's worked at a restaurant and everybody's, everybody's been a piece of shit at a restaurant. Whether you go there to eat or you go there to work or you go there to manage, actually sometimes restaurant managers are like really on their shit and i'm like i feel like you're really on your shit because you're

compensating for something you're trying to cover something up everybody that works in the restaurant industry is just on dirt um i can honestly say i was too much of a bitch to do anything, but people would like, you know, steal money all the time. They would like, when I worked at a restaurant, they would like, like pocket tips and stuff and like, just not report there. And I was just like, dude, I'm so bad at math. I'm not, I can't do it, man. They're like, you know, you could like make like $50 extra if you like just do that and that and that i'm like i know they get they have to be able to catch you bro they have to be able to catch you i'm not smart enough to figure out how they catch you and i can't do the

math in my head about the tips you report and the tips you take with like i got i'm too much of a bitch and I'm too dumb. But what I would do at a restaurant, don't leave me around any thing that I can eat. Cause food to me, like it's, if food was like money, I would be in jail. The amount of food I've stolen. I don't give a shit. I would be in jail. The amount of food I've stolen. I don't give a shit. I'm with her. Part of the deal at a restaurant is you're not really paying me enough. Like if I get on this serving shift and I don't really make that much money, like I got a, there's has to be an equal exchange here. Like I'm working my dick off for nothing. No, I'm stealing shit in return. I don't care if it's cups. I don't care if it's plates, napkins, like I'm doing something to get even. Cause that's what it is. I'm working for you

and you're paying me in return. If I don't get enough back, like, bro, I'm going to like, this is what I'm going to do at the restaurant. I'm going to find the, the big ass, what is it called? A Cambro. I'm going to find the big Camb big ass, what is it called? A Cambro. I'm going to find the big Cambro of almonds that you dice up and put in the salad. And I'm going to take handfuls of almonds the whole day. And I'm going to eat them the whole day when I'm serving. Cause I know at the end of the day, you're going to throw away some almonds and you're going to throw away all this shit. You're going to throw out. Those are old. Those are, we didn't use a lot of them. Hey, me.

Every time I see the Canberra of almonds. And they go right in my apron. I'm raw dogging almonds all shift. Part of the deal. It is. And you know it. I'm not going to steal money. I'm not going to work my way around and try to steal

alcohol and try to like one up people and all that kind of, you know, rip people off because I know the system. I'm just going to, I'm just going to, I'm just going to get even the home grown way. Take a couple of pieces of Texas toast, a little garlic bready while I walk up the stairsies. And I might, you know, I might, I might, I might take a couple of croutons out of the little, you know, you got, you got the crouton bin. Those are coming home with Papa. I might, I might take a, like the signature dressing. That's daddy's now. And you know you've done it at restaurants too.

When you go out to eat, you ever go out to eat at a restaurant and you're sitting at the table and you're like, these are some nice ramekins. And you accidentally slip a couple in your to-go box. Whoopsies. Part of the deal. How many random ramekins do you have in your cupboard because like you've been to you've gone out to eat a lot you ever opened that's mine dude all my cups in my cabinets are from like 15 different like fast casual dining places. I've got like three Buffalo Wild Wings cups.

I've got the red Coke cup from Pizza Hut. I've got that. It's the best cup. They know. They know. It's not a crime. They know. They know what's going on.

Just tip and don't steal money. And after that, you're pretty much good. You ever just take a handful of shrimp? Popcorn chicken? Part of the deal. I'm starving. I've been working here for eight hours. There's no breaks?

There's no breaks. That's why people in restaurants smoke all the time. Because I've got to take a smoke break. If you don't smoke at a restaurant, bro, hey, eight hours. Start to finish. bro, hey, eight hours start to finish. Like, dude, I'm going to eat something. At a restaurant? Come on.

That was a good one. Yeah, you got to steal food. Is it illegal? I don't even know if it's illegal. Skip going. The most illegal thing that I've done at work is i worked a third hey next time you leave a voice message don't be on a dirt bike i love you in the food industry and i would clock in work super hard for three hours. Nice.

Then go home and sleep. Yep. And then come back in right before my shift was over and clock out. So I would get paid for like a full day's pay. I love this. For only working three hours. And I did this for years. and then they finally caught on and I had to lie and say that I was leaving for a smoke break yep see and I don't even smoke

and I'm pretty sure my boss was like oh I, I didn't know you smoked. And I was like, yeah. Smoked in my sleep. It's just the basics, dude. All you really want at your job is just to eat and go to sleep. Isn't that crazy? Every time I've ever worked at a job, I'm like, fuck, I'm so tired and hungry. What do you do? You just, you fake, you fake work and then you go to sleep somewhere or you fake work and you steal the food at the restaurant. I think everybody, every single person has had a job where they work really hard and then they, they like low key hide somewhere.

How about hiding at your work? I was looking through Walmart the other day and I was like, how would they ever know if I got a job here and just hid the whole time? Dude, the way I could hide at Walmart on the clock, I guarantee nobody could ever find me. I'd be in that little like, uh, that's that like, uh, that clothes that like circle clothes thing. I'd be like this. I could be like this in that like a clothes hanger thing in the men's section with a bunch of shirts around me for seven hours, dead quiet hanging on on here to rails and my feet would be on rails. And I'd just be eating goldfish, Slim Jims, stuff in my pockets. I'd put food in the shirts of the pockets around me and I'd just be... I might have a little portable TV in there. You know what I mean? Where'd you get the TV though?

Well, it's in Walmart. You're using all Walmart stuff in your little shirt fortress in the men's section that nobody's going to buy. You ever see the clothes at Walmart and the men's section, it's like a Hawaiian shirts and shit. Nobody's buying this, but I'm in there.

Almonds, peanut M&Ms. Watching, um, the Andy Griffith show on a little portable TV. He doesn't even like Andy Griffith. So? I'm hiding out. That's what I want to do.

I think, what movie is that in? Is it in like that, that Dane Cook movie where they're like in his Sam's Club and like there's somebody like built like a fortress and like has like a house on. Oh my God. That's my dream to live in one of those. I don't know why I just love, I love living in little cozy places. Like I saw like, you know, those little houses that they sell now there's like a, there's like a,

there's houses that are like the size of a storage unit that people are like selling like amazon is selling them and you can just put them anywhere put them down on some some random side yard and it's just a house and you can live i would so live in that what is that what's the what's the what kind of condition do i have where i can just live in small little little confined spaces? It feels so cozy. Put a fireplace in there and a poster of Randy Moss on the wall. Let's keep doing.

Let's keep doing. Let's keep going. I stole your heart. The sky. Dude, I'm starting to realize that in the back of all these voice messages, it's raining. Is it raining in every state in the country right now? Bro, it's been raining in LA for four days. Best four days of my life.

For some reason, bro. I just like it when it rains because everybody shuts the hell up when it's nice out everybody feels like they have to do some shit I'm like yo can it rain and can we all just chill out I don't know why why am I like that I love it when it rains because everybody's just like okay all right yeah let's just uh I don, maybe I like the vibe of it being, like, sleepy movie time. I like sleepy movie time. I don't watch movies. But, uh, at any point in time in the day, I will take a nap if it's raining.

How about that? Every time it's raining anywhere, I'm like, shouldn't everything be canceled today? I get that a lot. I'm like, if it's raining, everything should be canceled. Like, obviously. It just feels that way. Yep, that should be canceled. Work should be canceled.

Or you should really have to go for like two hours. Because it's like sad, dude. Sad. It's sad and like, dude, when it's raining, that's your time to rest. What'd you do at work that was illegal? Stole your heart. You probably did. Bro, I will get obsessed with people that I work with for no reason. I'm like, that guy's a genius. How about just getting to know the people that you work with so well that it's like kind of scary. Then they start asking you to hang out and shit and you're like oh my god like i didn't even want to work here and now i'm hanging out with you guys what the fuck you're dating one of the girls that

works there you're like why why is my life this now working somewhere it seems so like low-key like maybe i'll work there for like two weeks becomes your entire life end up buying stock in the company you work and you're like what i didn't i didn't even mean for this i don't even i fucking like this shit now i'm gonna get married to a girl that i met here in the break room yeah they met at work and they got married like on the fourth floor it's like a whole thing like that would be me like i would do that people from work know your whole life too because there's absolutely nothing to talk about so like what do you do you're like fuck here we go so weird but you love them like everybody at my the job i worked with like had my merch on and stuff i was like dude you guys are the bomb but like this is so weird

how we met like we like you started listening to my podcast because we worked in the 20s together one day at a restaurant is so weird let's keep going work relationships don't ever do it but like you got to do it once because you'll never know not to do it you feel me let's keep going not to do it you feel me let's keep going so when i was working for the school board i used to clean and do maintenance and usually it would be um in the evening and nighttime everyone was gone oh how about when you used to go back to your school when you forgot something you'd go there and there'd be like the janitor and cleaning people there you'd be like what the fuck you guys do this right now and i had this co-worker and we ended up going to the principal's office and fuck it pretty sure

that's very illegal but it was probably one of the hottest um fucks i've ever had honestly I know a lot of people look down on custodians but let me tell you that was probably the funnest job I've ever had why am I so nervous to do some shit like that like for a second in your mind you were like there's definitely a camera

in here I'm always like there's gonna be a camera that is hot though the more like risky it is the better always the better story the better everything who's having sex at home you know it's gotta be in a bowling alley behind the pins or something for me it's gotta be in the mall in an old navy fitting room where i'm not into it just like what that's people are really like that i'm too much of a bitch but i'm people are really like that me when i got asked on a reality show where's the craziest place you've ever had sex i was like my friend's mom's van i was like doors need to be locked windows need to be tinted like come on you know i don't want people seeing how i get down it's weird but like i i totally get it i

wish i could principal's office oh Oh! Oh! Yeah, it would be hot. Hot. It would be hot. It would be hot. You guys went right for the principal's office, too. That's a pretty bold move right to the principal. I would have tried to work my way up, you know? Maybe go gym teacher office, like in the closet. You know, the gym teacher office like in the closet you know the gym teacher

office like is like in some weird place it's like in the back of like a boiler room and they just like really don't have a desk there's just a bunch of like kickballs and fucking parachutes in there and stuff cones that would have been my starting spot then i kind of would have worked my way up to like you know eighth grade science teacher desk that would have been a big move for me after eighth grade science teacher desk doing in there like i might be like all right we can do it i might be invincible after that after you do it in a classroom it's crazy in a classroom schools are so like bugged now everything's tapped in a school there's no way you could get away with that now principal's office music teacher on the piano i'd be like computer lab library not as cool not as cool but yeah principal's office is a bold move

custodians how bad do you just want to be a janitor god damn the things i do just be a janitor for a day what's the job tonight um and you know if you if you're a janitor and you work hard like really hard at the beginning of the week you know get all your shit done Thursday and Friday you're like kind of cruising you're like we already wiped the floor down like it doesn't need to be like scrubbed you know you just like kind of like bro if you work hard Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday and Friday you you just like, kind of like, bro, if you work hard Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, you're just like, it's kind of with every job, kind of with school. School's insane on Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday. You're like, bro, I'm going to

kill myself. And then Thursday and Friday rolls around. You're like, it's the weekend and I'm going to see my aunt Jody. Fridays are so lit at school. Fridays aren't even a day at school. You might have one big test, but after that test, you're like, bitch, Friday, Friday night. Oh, there's nothing more lit than Friday night. Growing up school's over. Probably something cool happened at school maybe you said something funny to a girl and you're like uh you go home you always you always save your cool clothes for school and shit you know i mean like your your good pants friday

pants bro everybody had their friday fit friday school shirt everything's just a little sexier. The music on the radio. On your way to school, you're not even depressed. There doesn't even need to be music on the car on your way to school because you're just living off vibes, baby. Friday vibe. Friday, best day. Best day.

Let's keep going. In the 90s, I worked at a gymnastics gym and our coach like our head coach was always like making extra money off of stuff like most of us

didn't get paid we just worked in order to pay for our tuition so he had a fridge with sodas and Gatorade that he sold at more than double the price

and kept the money. So on Fridays when he wasn't there, we had free soda Friday and we would just take whatever the fuck we wanted and drank it. Oh, see, that's like, that's not illegal. I don't think maybe everything's kind of illegal when you think about it. But that type of shit will just free soda Friday. You know how hype they were to go to get, what am I going to have this time? You know,

thinking about that, like on your way there, you're like, what am I just going to fuck up a Sprite, a Dr. Pepper, a code red for free. I guess it's the nineties.

So code red wasn't around guy who knows wasn't around. Guy who knows his soda. Guy who knows his pop. Guy who knows his soft drinks. When did Code Red come out? 2002. Guy who knows his soda. Guy who knows his soda. I don't really.

But I am obsessed with it. I don't really but uh I am obsessed with it I don't like starry I don't free soda Friday though that is like one time oh this is crazy this is crazy one time uh my mom worked at a uh like a a tennis center my mom a tennis instructor. So she's worked at every tennis center in the United States of America. And I've also worked there because growing up, I was, my mom would just be, I'm at the tennis center, bro, giving private lessons. And I'd be like, all right, but so she's like, you're coming with me. And I'd be like, okay. So I'd just be at the tennis center. And she was like, hey, there's a basket of candy up here and a bunch of Gatorades. And if you're working the front desk, the rule is don't make it a meal, but you can have some. And she told me this, knowing that I am an animal when it comes to like snicker bars and

gatorade like what what if you're like if you take me into a like any store any store any gas station you're like what two things would you would you pick i'd pass on the TVs, the fucking couches. I'd be like a Gatorade and a Snickers, bro. A Gatorade and a Snickers will get you right. It's the perfect amount of like sweet, but then also the other half is just the perfect amount of like, I don't think it's that bad for me for you to just take down. Like, dude, I could eat four Snickers a day and be like yeah needed it my body needed it and i'd be i could be okay with that gatorade like yeah i get hydrated how am i

how else am i gonna replenish my electrolytes i worked the front desk at that tennis center and sometimes i wasn't even working at the tennis center i'd just be chilling when my mom was working because like i couldn't be really trusted at home for too long. Cause I'd like light the whole place on fire. Kinda not on purpose. I'm just stupid. So I'd be at that tennis center, just fucking slamming peanut M&Ms. And I'm not talking about like, just, I'm not a guy who like eats like one package. I'm not a one, like I'm eat, like I'm eating until I'm like, my body can eats like one package. I'm not a one. Like I'm eating until I'm like my body can't do it anymore. I don't know why that's the way I am. But like I'm going to keep eating a food until I'm disgusted of it.

Like In-N-Out. I just discovered In-N-Out living in L.A. I'm a monster. I don't know why. I don't think anybody else does this, but I'll get like four double doubles, which is just double cheeseburgers, and I'll get them protein style wrapped in lettuce.

Four. And I just smash. And I, it's probably not healthy, honestly. But I did it so many days in a row that I don't think I can go back. That's the only way I get over food. You want me to get over food? I'm going to have to eat it

eight times a day for like 16 days straight. What else was like, oh, insomnia cookies. I was like, I cannot get enough of this shit. And got it every every night when i lived here i would and then i started to realize after i ate it like eight days in a row i was like this shit sucks dude it's not even good and i'm over it why i'm like that with wine now i drank so much wine i don't give a shit about wine i'm over it i just, I just gotta, I'm a glutton. I'm a glutton. Do it till I throw up. Free soda Friday. Oh, that sounds good. That sounds good. Free soda Friday. You can't tell me sometimes when you're like you're really thirsty like dying of thirst sometimes and you're like oh what would i really want right now so i don't know why it is

it's like this for me but i sometimes i could just take down uh like a crush you know like the orange soft drink oh i don't know why that tastes so good or just like it's it just quenches the shit out of my thirst i don't know why because it's not like as spicy as other soft drinks i thought that was crazy growing up like people could smack soft drink to like even today people will smack like beers and soft drinks like chug them and i'm like that doesn't hurt your throat i don't know if i'm like my throat's too sensitive but i'm like i cannot chug a mountain dew i don't know how you guys do that after two sips i'm like my eyes are watering and shit a little bit i'm like and then maybe i can take three more sips because like my throat's numb

because like it's it's like fight or flight in my throat and some people are just like done i'm like how the fuck how did you not die right there is my throat a bitch god one sip of like a fresh at you know like when you you got a soft drink in your hand and like it's like it's like hard like the can itself is like bro this this is this is about to slap and you crack it open in the like you're like whoa it almost like takes your like breath away like blows your hair back a little so for it's a it's a diet Mountain Dew for me because my mom used to drink those when I was

a kid and it was like the only like fun thing in my refrigerator was diet Mountain Dew but sometimes she'd get a fresh pack and I'd steal one and those things were so like hard bro the can was just like it felt like if you shot the can of diet Mountain Dew with a BB gun the whole entire state would you'd see a mushroom cloud. Like if I took a diet Mountain Dew on my deck and shot it with a BB gun, mushroom cloud, like that's how like ready this thing was to drink. And then you pop the tab, dude, your neighbors or your neighbors stick their head out of the window everything all right over there you're like uh yeah your voice yeah fuck yeah you got a mountain dew behind your back you don't want him to tell your mom i think your son's been drinking your mountain Dew again. So you're like, yeah, everything's good.

He puts his head back in his house, but you wait there and look at the window for three more seconds in case he does one of these. You know? That double look. How many times have you got somebody on the double look? Like when you're little cousins or something. One of your stupid

unaware friends you know you like you like you pop in their window you're like what's up bro and they're like hey dude what are you doing and then you're like all right man talk to you later and you put you like you put your head away for a minute like you like you walked off and they go back to whatever they're doing and then you hit them with that double look they have no fucking idea you're just spying on them for like 13 seconds you're like what a weirdo you know dude the double look back is insane dude some people just don't know about the moves. That's a day one move. That's a rookie move, bro. If you're not aware of the double look back,

like you didn't grow up with like siblings, you didn't have any friends, you're an only child, like you're very sheltered, the double look back. It's like it stems from like walking by a classroom like in high school and you like do that oh shit that's my friend in the front row what's up bro and then you like act like you kept walking down the hallway and you look back in he's like working on something you're

like what a fucking idiot trying to figure out this math problem you're just watching him he has no clue you're like literally spying on someone. You gotta look that you gotta, you gotta see like how, how stupid people are when, when they don't think they're being watched. He's like picking his nose and shit. You're like, wow, dude, never thought I'd see the day. Never thought I'd see the day. Kevin picking a boogie and eating it. Isn't that crazy? Somebody's always staring at you. Somebody's always looking. It's scary to think about, but every time I pick my nose and I think about eating it, I'm like, fuck dude, somebody's watching me. And sometimes I'm like, eh, whatever.

If you act like you don't pick your nose and eat it. Shut up. Name a better thing. Name one better thing. Isn't it crazy? I will never stop. I will never. I know that for a fact. I could be like, think about your dad. Think about your dad right now.

And then think about him picking his nose and eating it because he's probably doing that right now. Who's not doing that? Top five. Just keep going. Oh, God. Come on, baby. Bad internet. Bad internet.

It's the connection. It's the connection It's the connection I'm talking about bad internet Why is it bad all of a sudden? Bad internet Come on, baby This is crazy That the internet won't load And this is crazy

What if I connect to my phone real quick I see I do this every time And I'm gonna lose signal And this is crazy The internet's so bad So call me maybe It's hard to look right At you baby

The internet's so bad So call me maybe Come on, babe. Jesus. Like, really? Oh, here we go. Here we go. When I was 19, I was a server downtown and I was working on New Year's Eve.

And the bartender who had a huge crush on, he was like 40 years old. So inappropriate. But he was pouring Jaeger in. So inappropriate, but he was pouring Jaeger in my Red Bull night and I got so drunk and my manager kept talking to me. I was like, I am not drunk. I'm not drunk. I was puking. Um, one of my friends had to carry me to my car and I went back the next day with like a thousand dollars in cash that I had left because I didn't check out that night cause I was way too drunk. So I went in the next day to return like a thousand dollars in cash and got fired. Wait.

Oh. Oh, so you accidentally stole a thousand dollars. Oh, OK. Damn. I didn't know where that was going to end. I was like, so did you make out with the bartender that's that we all wanted that we all wanted her in the bar you know I mean on some weird shit we all kind of wanted that but I'm glad it didn't happen and you got fired for stealing instead yeah that's how I would that's how I'd get fired i'm with you on that baby girl there's

there's nothing wrong with that um accidentally stealing a thousand dollars i would so do that and be like i had no fucking idea that here do you want it back like yeah here it's all right here and they're like no we gotta fire you i'm like all right i just didn't know i stole a thousand dollars what do you think i was gonna do flee the country with your a thousand dollars. What can you even buy for a thousand dollars? You can even buy like a plane ticket for a thousand dollars. Yeah. You can go somewhere, but you can't come back. Oh yeah. The first time I worked at a restaurant um is my first shift and i know i know zero idea what was going on i am not a quick learner people are like oh i'm a quick learner fuck you dude no you're not i'm a quick learner you know how much confidence and how

delusional you have to be to say that you're a quick learner. I'm a quick learner. All right. Become an astronaut. Be a heart surgeon, then, if you're a quick learner. Sick of the attitude on people that just think everything. I'm a quick learner. Okay, build a plane real quick and fly your ass somewhere else, because I don't want to talk to you anymore.

Quick learner, bro. I am the complete, I'm a quick, I'm a slow learner. Like if my resume was actually real, it'd be like, doesn't care about anything. Slow learner. Can't remember anything. Forgets everything. That'd be my fucking resume, dude. And people are,

people have hired me before, believe it or not. I have no idea why. Bad personality, good personality, right? When he leaves bad personality, when he walks in honest resume, God damn. So true. But first day, first day, first day serving have no idea what I'm doing. I don't even know how to swipe the card. Like, I don't even know. I don't even know. Like I trained for a week, but what is it? What is training really? I got to be in the fire to learn anything. Like if I have no one that's ever helped me do something has actually helped me do something does that make sense you know what i mean like i've every time i've ever had help like it's never been like oh so that's how you do that i always just have to figure it out i can't be the only idiot right first day on the job guy pays in cash and. And I'm like, oh, God.

Like, you gave me, like, a $100 bill. And I was like, oh, God. Let's see here. The total is $53.80. You gave me $100. So I guess I just give you all the change I didn't know what to do bro like do I give you exact change I have no clue like is this like a cash register thing where I give you like pennies and dimes and nickels and shit like I'm so confused but you don't do that when you work at a restaurant

it's so weird I still don't even know but he ended up stealing like a hundred dollars from me. And I was like, so when I went, like went to turn in like my money at the end of the night, they're like, you're missing a hundred dollars. And I was like, uh, and they're like, did you take it? And I was like, no, but then I ended up feeling so bad I was like can I just get like run home real quick and get get a hundred dollar bill and then give it to you like I'm just an idiot like I have no idea how to count and shit yeah you probably like got me for a hundred dollars but like I didn't try to steal a hundred dollars like are you kidding me

a hundred dollars a hundred dollars sounds so like small now, you know, when somebody says a hundred dollars, I'm like, fuck dude, what am I going to buy? What am I going to buy? What am I going to buy for a hundred dollars? Like that's like three bags of big bags of animal crackers is like a hundred bucks. I'm like, okay. So I think I was actually, I think they were just like, uh, we'll just take like, they had to like take the hit. The restaurant had to take the hit. And I felt like such an idiot. So the girl that like cashed me out forever is like, you're the fucking idiot that stole a hundred dollars. And I'm like, I did not steal a hundred dollars. The amount of days in a row

I was like here here's $100 And she's like no and I was like here's $100 right now Take it I just don't know how to count When numbers are involved in everything Anything I'm like So I would say The most illegal thing I did was

My first job when I worked at Jimmy John's my Manager So I would say The most illegal thing I did was my first Job when I worked at Jimmy John's my manager Was some like Major league player That was on steroids and stuff But he like retired or got Kicked out really early

That was my manager What? And now he just like got high He actually looked exactly like the dude looked like scooby what what's his fucking shaggy um uh shaggy he looks like shaggy from scooby-doo i figure what the guy's name he's also in scream anyways um he was like hey let's go smoke weed out back in the alley does it It is a great voice message. So there's Jimmy John's in the back,

had this alley and we are just smoking weed during kind of like closing and a cop goes by and he was like, get inside, take the bong. So I get inside, take the bong, hit under the counter, turn it off all the lights.

And we hid under the counter for probably like an hour and a half because we could see lights this cop was like shining through the door and the window and shit and the phones were going crazy and we ended up leaving at like 2 a.m uh yeah it was pretty fucked up man man I gotta know like did you go back the next day like sketched out smoking weed in an alley that seems like not a big deal at all at Jimmy John's that's like part of the culture right I feel like every Jimmy John's employee like it's like a prerequisite. Are you high right now?

Yes. You're hired. Jimmy John's interview. Are you stoned? Doesn't say anything. Just has the reddest eyes. We'll see you tomorrow. God dang it.

God dang it. Damn, that cop was really on his like grind trying to trying to stop the pot. Stop the pot. Is it old of me? To just the only thing I thought about when you're like we hid under the counter for an hour and a half. The only thing I thought about was, damn, how bad did you have to pee? Anytime I'm hiding anywhere, like 13 seconds in, I'm like, God, I have to pee so fucking bad.

How do you do anything for an hour and a half without peeing? How about those moments of like, it just clicks in your head where you're like, wow, I haven't had to pee in like seven hours am i a superhero like one day i was just like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa get this hey everybody i haven't i haven't peed since three o'clock it's like 5 15 you're like i know i'm like yeah like i'm like part of the X-Men now Superpower

Wolverine Health regeneration Steel metal claws Professor X Telepathy Mind reading ability Benny Doesn't pee for three hours.

The X-Men. The X-Men. Professor X in his chair. Wolverine. Me just standing there in khakis next on x-men and all the other guys are like uh one time i didn't pee for like four hours why is he even on the team professor x is like hey just let him just let him don't fucking say that out loud he's he's proud of himself and shit don't ruin his day i'm on the x jet just like this how come everybody

else is in x-men gear and that guy's just wearing a soccer jersey and khaki pants i'm like i don't know. Go fucking pee about it. I won't. Wild, bro. I kind of all, Oh, this is so, so only interesting to me. I went to subway the other day. This girl made my sub, but she didn't make it the right way at all. And I was just like, let's see how this plays out because i was thinking about jimmy johns this dude said he worked at jimmy johns and got in trouble for like almost almost got i can't believe that why didn't the cops come into jimmy johns you know the store was closed? Name a more stupid thing to get arrested for. Oh, we were... Hi, so that made us really chill.

Sorry. You're arrested for being calm for like two hours while you work. Doesn't make any sense, really. I guess you do smell like weed. How about when somebody smells like weed? How unattractive is that? Dude, I get so turned off when people smell like weed. I'm like, oh my God, dog. Take a break. Especially like in public. Dude, at a comedy club, this

comedian came up to me, smelled like fresh weed fresh weed i was like dude jesus christ man get it together for like you have to you have to smell like that in public do that shit in your house it's half the reason why i don't do anything anymore i'm like i don't want to smell my breath already smells bad enough, like on default mode. No, I don't want to drink smoke. Like Jesus, bro. Everything has such a consequence. Okay.

So I was, uh, I've always wanted to work at a sub place cause it'd be kind of fun. Wouldn't it? I guess you say that about every job before you get it. Then you get the job and you're like, fuck this. Like Subway. Like, I feel like I, like I would, okay. I want to work. I'd want to work at Dairy Queen because that's, that would be fun. Right? Like who's not, who's not having like a little bit of joy while making an ice cream cone. I know you're like, there's a big line. The people are rude. They're like being like, you know, it's just, there's people are rude they're like being like you know it's just there's a lot they're making all the facial expressions and you're kind of pissed you're kind of hot because you're like behind and you can't remember like what they ordered but

a little part of you has to be like i am making ice cream though right like how mad can you be while you're putting together a banana split god damn it's fucking cute jesus christ here you go sir i don't get it it's fine your car is totaled you're making ice cream babe but i think that's the same thing like making a subway sub like i don't know like people who just like slop it together i'm like what is wrong with your brain you ever go to subway and the person making the sub just like hasn't, I'm like,

you are crazy. The way you put that chicken on there, like, like spread it out, have a little pride. Are you insane? Or the Chipotle people. That's another one.

Not as fun as subway, but cause it's not, but the, some of the Chipotle people with the guac that just put a ball of guac in the Chipotle bowl. I'm like, I just want to know what your like car looks like. Like how, how does your brain like think like that's acceptable. Ice cream scoop of guac. You're not even going to like, kind of like, dude, if I put an ice cream scoop of guac on somebody's Chipotle bowl, I would like go to the nearest home goods, buy like a kitchen tool and like spread it out all over the place. I'd be like, dude, you can't just think that that's good that's that's a completed job for you you're insane and sometimes people make subs like that they'll just like put the sauce on like all crazy i'm

like you are what is wrong with your brain the way that you can't like make this look good and then you run into some people at subway that are like the total opposite like totally exceeding your expectations they like drizzle the sauce on there they like fluff the lettuce on there the tomatoes they're like they like pick out a tomato that's like not exactly all the way red and they like throw it away and they like only put the red ones on there and you're just like see I will give you I will give you a tip at the end of this because of that that's that's where that tip thing comes into play but um so this lady was at subway and this lady i asked for the 23 it's my thing at subway now

it's embarrassing saying what i actually want so i'm'm just like 23 light dressing, light cheese instead of me being like chicken, bacon, ranch, light bacon, just two strips of bacon because four is too much. So I'll gird it up. Light sauce because I've acid reflux and I'll throw it up all day and light cheese because I secretly think it goes right to my ass. Worst breath ever fogging up the glass. And so instead I'm like 23. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Feels so cool. She made the sub backwards. So weird. like the chicken and bacon and shit was like in the toaster what was subway before the toaster i can i can remember going there but the day they got the toaster i was like yeah hey inside do you know oh my god oh my Inventions.com list.

They need to sell the Subway toaster. Because there's no toaster more powerful than that thing, dude. Just imagine if you had a Subway toaster in your house. What am I doing with an oven? Throw three chicken strips in there.

Done. What kind of technology is that? Who made the Subway toaster? Tony Stark? Put a Subway toaster on the shelves bro Black Friday next year Introducing the Subway toaster The toaster you see at Subway every 15 seconds Because you go there so much because you're a piece of shit. Well, now you can buy it for your house.

Oh, my God. The Subway toasters. Dude, the oven business would be. That's probably why they don't do it. Big oven is like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. that's probably why they don't do it big oven is like no no no no no no no no don't sell the subway toaster because we need people to keep buying our shitty ovens what's the point of an oven a subway dude you could put a whole you could put an actual living breathing chicken in a subway oven toaster thing you can put a living breathing

in a subway toaster moving its head like this and shit big old chest put it in the toaster three perfect chicken strips would come out with honey mustard next to it Put it in the toaster. Three perfect chicken strips would come out with honey mustard next to it. Thanks, Subway toaster. Anyway, so the chicken, the bacon was in the toaster. So she's like, all right, what else do you want? I'm like, damn, you're really doing this. So you could tell she was new and didn't know the rules that's why i kind of liked it

and she put the lettuce and tomato and everything i needed on there the sauce light sauce a little bit of onion put the chicken and bacon on it backwards backwards on the on the top part folded it over and sliced it. She's like, sorry, I just made your sub backwards. But I was like, that was the hottest thing I've ever seen in my life. What turns you on? Uh, the subway lady made my sub backwards. Couldn't look her in the eye after. Crazy. She didn't even give me a bag either i was like you know how i like it well why do i need a bag every time subway people get the bag out i'm like i don't need a fucking bag for this god damn what a waste of space i'm like maybe i'll take the bag so i can use it as

a trash bag in my house but i don't need you to put my one stupid sub in a big brand. I'm like, God, so, so unnecessary. Bags at Chipotle too. I'm like, is this why it costs so much? Just give me the fucking bowl thing and I'll be on my way. But like you put it in a bag. I'm like, hey, thanks, but I don't need the suitcase with my Chipotle bowl. Jesus Christ, dude. Do I need a boarding pass

Too Amazing The bags bro Save the I don't give a shit about the bags So I don't know if this is Illegal per se Definitely a liability. But long story short, I'm a bartender in Vegas at one of the casinos.

Crazy. At most casinos, there's a lot of rules and you're being watched and you have to measure a lot of things out when you're serving alcohol. Whereas where I work, we're flair bartenders, so they can't really monitor that as well. So, cause we're, we're pouring over pouring, putting on shows, we're spilling. So it's not like we have a lot of leniency. I'll just say that. Nice. So I had these people in and they were great, awesome people. And I'm trying to hook them up cause they were hooking me up. So like I'm doing that and I'll just say that I hooked them up a little too much. I'm poor to give them really big pours, like a 32 ounce cup.

It's like halfway full with booze. Seems fine. And long story short, she left in a wheelchair and I didn't really know what happened after that. But then I found out later on that she was okay. But I was a little bit worried for a second. I'm like, oh, I hope this doesn't come back to me. But it all worked out.

So that's my little close call at work. But anyway, I love the pod. Thank you, Benny. Love you, mean it, bye. God. God, I the pod. Thank you, buddy. Love you. Mean it. Bye. God. Topic. God, I love you. I love you.

Man. Thank you guys for listening to the podcast. It feels so good. Just the fact that you guys get it. God dang. One of these days, bro, we are going to blow up. And I don't even care if it doesn't, bro, because we do it for the fam. But once this shit gets, just like, once the people really start to know about us.

We're talking about groundbreaking news here, dude. we're talking about subway bags and shit yeah yeah drake stick was on the internet i don't care but subway bags get lost um people who are bartenders in vegas I think that's like a top tier job. Cause like this shit you're dealing with all day, like the stress, like, I don't even know how you do that. But being, being like a bartender in Vegas, a flair, like you are putting on a show. Ah, it's a, that's amazing. And you gotta, you gotta have good conversations all day you gotta like you really gotta be like on your shit and most bartenders i'm like are they on their shit

but yeah i worked as a bartender for like two weeks i was so bad at it because like duh but like who's they're like you're so slow obviously i'm like yeah because i've never fucking bartended before and there's 40 000 people waiting for a drink i'm like how the hell am i supposed to do this it was um it was a nightmare every time and the only thing i could i was like i i hope before my shift i'd be like be like, I hope I just look good because that's all I got. I'm going to dress like good because at least they'll be like, this guy sucks. But I mean, sure, it looks good. That's all I got, bro. Because I got nothing, man.

You want to make 15 blackberry lemonades in three minutes i'm like this is impossible this is impossible my first week and yeah i was overpouring people because my service sucked they're like we've been waiting for a drink i'm like i'll hook you up that was just me every time this is strong i'm like right Just be nice to me What the hell you want me to do So I get it The overpour My manager would be like

Don't over serve Because the cops Will pull that guy over on the way home, come back to the restaurant, ask him where he was drinking, come back to the restaurant and arrest you, the bartender. I was like, when on earth has that ever happened? Oh my God, I got arrested. For what?

I gave this guy three beers and then he went and drove and got a DUI. So I got arrested because I gave him three beers at a restaurant what the fuck that has never happened that's crazy no way that's ever happened if that's ever happened, comment that, please. Guy's drunk off his ass, gets a DUI. Oh, I was at Applebee's! Okay, well you sit tight. We're gonna go to Applebee's and arrest that guy, not you. You keep going, sir. Have a nice night.

Car blows up. Alright, see ya! Ah! those up all right see ya you're in handcuffs at applebee's i just gave him three margaritas what the what that would happen to me dude i would i'd get arrested like that for sure why are you in jail i just was doing my job i don't know i don't know i don't really well you had to know there's something i don't know there's just only some shit that happens to me in high school i used to wash cars for a car dealership and everybody there was like 16 17 years old so we really didn't give a fuck we just fucked with people's cars the whole time pile into somebody's bmw to change the radio to like a raft station just turn the volume all the

way up trying to blow out their speakers and then every once in a while we would get like a super sporty car like a super wrx or something and we would just rev the shit out of the engine until it nearly blew up. That is so funny to me, dude. God damn, man. Crazy, dude. 16, 17, 18-year-olds should not be allowed in public. Imagine giving a 16-year-old a job. Like, how dumb do you have to be to like, yeah, let four 16 year olds just like take over the car wash on a friday night

the whole place is gonna blow up i'm not saying they're doing that doing it wrong either if i was 16 and i had like a ferrari dude oh my god a ferrari or something that i was washing i'd be like i'm gonna fuck this thing up somehow you don't deserve this rev the engine oh the first time the first time i i did that in a car bro that was that opened up my eyes to a lot of things like wait so this car can just be in park and i can just just hit the gas dude i was flooring it one time in a car it was like my friend's mom's car just put it in park the car was on just in the garage god i've never lived so much in my life. That was the most I've ever lived right there.

I'm like, what on earth? You can't tell me that this car is not going to go through the garage wall into the laundry room right now. How is it not? You can't tell me that it's not, but I'm going to try. Like there's for some reason, there's no way this isn't gonna accidentally go and drive and i'm just gonna put their garage refrigerator into the laundry room through the wall car through the garage wall that's a dirty trick dude that's such a high school trick uh going to your friend's car and turning the volume all the way up bro that is so i know it's it's like not nice and it's like

yeah you're gonna blow their speakers like but sometimes you just gotta do some shit you know like sometimes like all right like yeah i had to i had to pay for my buddy's car speakers at best buy it was 80 bucks for them to fix the speaker but like dude that little fucking freak out that he has when when the volume's too loud and it scares the piss out of him is worth 80 dollars turn your volume your friend's volume all the way up in his car he's 17 he's a sophomore at high school and you turn your volume up and you're hiding behind a rock with five of your friends all the way up in his car. He's 17. He's a sophomore at high school. And you turn your volume up and you're hiding behind a rock with five of your friends,

just like, like over, like over the edge. Like, oh my God, oh my God, he's about to turn around. He's about to turn around.

And then he goes like this. Fuck! 80 bucks, bro. Take it. Take it. It's worth it. It's so funny.

And he gets out of the car and he goes like this. Jesus. 80 bucks. For sure. So worth it. Last one. So my legal work fiasco.

There's three. They were all at Starbucks. Two were country Karens. One, I was a complete psycho. Yes. One of the country the country Karen's I gathered all the saliva I had in my mouth and spit it in her drink she insisted on tasting it in front of me

she said she loved it that's what she gets second she always complained about her drink not being hot enough even though the extra hot was at 180 degrees I made her drink past 200 degrees i think 205 to be exact and she scorched her mouth and her little lips turned all red and it felt really good the last one i am no longer like this anymore that was my early 20s

but my starbucks crush had a girlfriend who was lactose intolerant severely lactose so i mixed soy milk and two percent together and i guess she got so sick that they thought they're going to take her to the hospital but they ended up they ended up not doing it which thank god because that would have been an awkward conversation god dude so a1 how do you slip three voice messages in one and then stick the landing like that? God, that's so good. That is so good. Bro, that's crazy. Just ruining your crush's girlfriend's life that's that's pretty much

how it should be though what do you think about it like hey your boyfriend should be my boyfriend so i'm gonna send you to the hospital for it makes sense in my brain oh your girlfriend you know she she actually i know this for a fact she likes me more than you so i'm gonna almost kill you for it sorry sorry it's crazy it's crazy but like why does part of me like yeah i agree this is where the psychos come together. The Espresso Podcast. Yes, yes, yes. The person you like doesn't like you as much as you think they do.

And actually, they like me more. Do I know that? Absolutely not. I'm delusional and I made up a whole scenario in my head. And for that, I'm sending you to the emergency room ta-ta makes sense to me actually does um so burnt her lips that's hilarious got all the saliva in your mouth and spit in your drink it's crazy it happens i wonder how many times that's happened to me because i'm like a guy that'll order something and be kind of annoying

too i'm like yeah i'll take that but not that can you add that not that i'm really sorry i'll say sorry in between every sentence so you don't spit in my drink, but little do I know all those sorries add up to be a loogie. I've probably drank. I want that's, that's, that's it. Right when I die, go to heaven. What would you ask? What would you like to ask the Lord? How much of other people's spit have I drank?

Two gallons. Okay, that's all. You don't want to know about like the dinosaurs or how like your past, your relatives that have passed away are doing? No, I just want to know how much spit I've drank. Thank you. Walks away into a cloud.

Crazy, babe. God, what a great voice message you guys are the best man all of those are a one thank you um god we gotta get going don't we sucks dear diary dear diary Dear Diary. Dear Diary. Okay, well, I rented a car a couple weeks ago. And I haven't rented a car in a long time. How come... I've rented a car like three times. How come it's the most sketchy situation known to man there's never been one time when i've been in a car renting situation where i'm like this seems safe i'm like this seems like a drug deal bro the the budget rent a car i went in to rent this car they were blasting two chains when i went in there no la no la no la no la no la no la

no la ain't never told no la ain't black dude eminem just crazy shit from the, I was like, what? It was like weirdly dirty in there. Like it just felt like so many people have been stabbed in this place. I was like, and how come car rental rental places are always like they, they take over like a, like a weird place. That's all that's been, they take out like a,

they take a jewelry store that went out of business and it's now a car dealership. I'm like, for some reason, why are these so sketchy? And the person working me on the count, like it just smelled like a cigarette. Her hair, she looked like, it's always a person that looks like they're from 1994.

You're like, how are you still alive? like they're from 1994 you're like how are you still alive the chairs all have stains on them I'm like I've never been why is it like that dear diary I rented a car from budget rental car and I thought I was gonna get my throat slashed the whole time I was in there I'm like it's not like we're in some bad area either we're in like the suburbs like everything's all safe we're by the mall the mall everything's fine but then I get in the car and I'm like is this car stolen like what the fuck is happening every every single even at the airport I'm like what kind of shit are you trying to pull? It always seems a little scammy. I'm like,

why are you all trying to upsell me on all this bullshit? Like, just give me the car. And of course I'm like, I'm going to wreck this. And they're going to like take my entire life. Cause what did I just sign? You know,

you signed the papers at the car rental place. I'm like, I have no fucking idea what I just signed. What's stopping them from putting one line in there that's like i get to kill you i would never see it and even if i read it i'd be like that's crazy signed date show and tell um anonymous fan this is what we do this is how we do it baby this is how we do it, baby. This is how we do it. Anonymous fan.

Oh, shit. Maybe this can be. um anonymous fans sent me a shirt with my foot on it which is crazy because i don't know where they got the picture of the foot i love i love i love my fans bro i don't even care i don't know where this came from carpet looks good though and then on the picture of my foot on the front of the shirt, it reads, there is a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile upon a crooked toe, but did it with a crooked style. He played a crooked game quite as a crooked mouse

and pretty fucking sure he will be welcome welcome back to the crooked f-boy house wild but I love you man you might be the Riddler but I love you thank you hey man if you want to you guys can

I'm going to put my address where this, where this podcast is and you guys can send me whatever you want and I'll put it on show and tell every single week. It can be weird. It can be something you're proud of. It can be something you want to share with the fam, but let's, let's do it. I'll put an ad, a PO box and we can just, But let's do it. I'll put a PO box and we can just show and tell our sweet little dicks off. No lie, cringe, cringe moment. The moment you've all been waiting for, for, for.

Cringe moment of the week is a segment that needs to stay. God, it's so good. Okay, this is eye-opening for me so I I don't know what it is but I'm addicted to peanut butter and jelly right now oh okay here's here's a good one so this comedian that I used to do stand up with a lot out here like four years ago is blowing up now and well his name's Jack Jr. that's not a secret he's dope he's funny and I did some shows with him and I haven't seen him in a long time and I saw him at the Hollywood Improv and I was taking a piss and he saw me in the bathroom he goes you lose weight fool and when that when somebody says that to you as a guy it's just fuck man i've talked about this before it just means like your diet

isn't right you're not in the weight room enough you're not eating enough because you're you're shit you don't have your shit together so that's what that means to me like if you say you lose weight to a girl that might be good i would never say that because i have no idea but when you say to a guy unless he's like the fattest dude you've ever seen in your life like it's not a good thing but i was like damn i like do i look like i'm sick do i look like i have cancer or something so all these things go through my head i'm like so baby's been eating and i'm addicted to peanut butter and jelly and 7-eleven has the best peanut butter and jellies they just do i don't know why but one night i went to 7-eleven and i I was like, shit, that looks good.

Like in their like refrigerated section, you know, they have like little like those like protein packs with like the nuts and the cheese and like dried fruit and stuff like that. You know, they just have like a tuna salad sandwich. And it's not like 7-Eleven's making it in the back and wrapping it up themselves. Like it's from like a third party and they come in and stock it. You know what I mean? It's not that bad. There's not like fingernails and shit in the back of the gas station you know i mean and this peanut butter and jelly looks so good and i was like i want to try it and ever since i and i ate it and i was like this is this is fire i don't know if it's because it's

refrigerated i don't know if it's because it's like unassumingly the best sandwich i've ever had in my life maybe because it's from 7-eleven i had low expectations but it slaps and now i go to every seven every time i see a 7-eleven there's one every single on every corner in hollywood i go in there and i i'm like i gotta get a peanut butter and jelly fuck because like when can you I gotta get a peanut butter and jelly. Because when can you not go for a peanut butter and jelly? And now I'm doing this thing where it can be like, I'm coming home late. It's like 11.03 p.m. and I'm like, might as well stop at the 7.11. Get a couple PB&Js because that one guy said I lost weight.

Might as well beef it up a little bit. What's better than beefing it up with some PB&J to get my weight back cause like I feel okay eating it cause it's got a little protein maybe I don't know it's really just a donut huh but it feels good to eat and it's comforting

and it makes me feel like a baby so I popped in the 7-Eleven, grabbed three of them. Three. That's a little crazy. But I was in dramatic mode. Grabbed three of them. Ate all three with my happy ass in my warm room in my bed with my water bottle next to me and tiktok on my phone

best moment of my life every night uh 11 p.m whatever time zone you're in just know at 11 p.m maybe 12 midnight sometimes i'm gonna be in my warm bed with a peanut butter and jelly on TikTok like this. Because I'm the happiest little fucking baby you've ever met in your life. Because that's the best. That's all I want to do is be in my warm bed eating a peanut butter and jelly on my phone. It's the number one thing that you can't tell me. You can't tell me shit. Name one better thing. Name one better thing. Name one better thing than being in your bed, warm bed, warm bed with a peanut butter and jelly on your charged phone plugged in. Name one better thing. And Oh no, the only thing I have to worry about is I got to go to sleep now. Name one, name one better thing than that.

You can't, you can't. I cannot think, oh, visiting my, my girlfriend of three years. And shut up, dude. What are you going to do when you see your girlfriend? You're going to lay in your warm bed with the peanut butter and jelly and we'll get on your phone. What are you going to do when you see your girlfriend? You're going to lay in your warm bed with the peanut butter and jelly and get on your phone. Oh, I love going to sightseeing in New York City and going to this pizza shop on the corner.

No, you idiot. The best thing you've ever done is get in your warm bed with the peanut butter and jelly and get on your charged phone. God damn it. Undefeated. Anyway. So I was doing that and it was so good it was peak of my life peak fun that night warm bed beat my own job on my phone that i had to do it again the next night i was like i gotta run that back that was so that was the next night. I was like, ah, I got to run that back. That was so, that was the best thing I've ever done in my entire life. I had so much fun, but it's not like I'm a, you know what I mean? It's after, it's after a long day of doing bullshit. So, uh, I'm like, I got to do it again. It's 11, 17 PM. I just happen to be by the same 7-Eleven I went to last night. I park my car. I'm feeling

myself. So I park it in like an illegal spot. I'm like, whatever, dude. I run the city. Get real. Park my car, boop, boop, lock it. It might even still be running because I'm like such a big shot at 11, 17 p.m., you know? I just think I'm the king of be running because i'm like such a big shot at 11 17 p.m you know i just think i'm the king of the world because i'm about to be in happy time in my happy place in my happy bed so i walk into 7-eleven like i own the place and I look at the clerk and it's this foreign guy and foreign people are so like

they don't beat around the bush they're always telling you the truth and I love foreign people for that I look in his direction he goes ah peanut butter and jelly boy and that's when I knew peanut butter and jelly boy.

And that's when I knew I need to stop eating so much peanut butter and jelly. Dude, the clerks had a conversation about me. At some point they were like, yo, that guy always comes in here and gets like three, three of our peanut butter and jellies. Like we got to order more peanut butter and jellies because of this dude. Like they had that conversation and I walked in the next day, peanut butter and jelly boy, bro. That broke my soul. You know how helpless I felt going over to the refrigerated section being like, the guy was stocking it. And I looked at him and he knew what was going on. He knows I'm peanut butter and jelly boy. And I go, do you guys?

With the lowest amount of confidence I've ever had in my life. I looked at him in the eyes and I go, you guys have any more peanut butter and jellies? And he's like, I think we got one left big dog like pointed at the the thing he was about to stock one left and he looked at me like yeah because because you've been eating them all fucking week get your shit together I was like I grabbed the sandwich I go thank you dude I go up to the register, pay for both. My card doesn't go through the whole time. So they think I'm like poor peanut butter and jelly boy. I'm like, fuck dude, this cannot get any worse. Finally, my card goes through. Dude, I run to my car.

Get in the car. pull up to my apartment can't even look at the peanut butter and jellies I can't even make eye contact with them I'm like I don't want to do it I don't need them I don't even need them the guy called me that they know I don't need them

I don't need them 20 minutes later what do you know it's midnight I'm in my warm bed on my charge phone and there's a peanut butter and jelly right next to my stupid head peanut butter and jelly boy I wish I was kidding

days of the week Thursday today National Iowa Day hey show in Des Moines March 21st get your tickets they're on

benedictpolizzi.com under the shows tab we're gonna pop off in des moines bro des moines jeez can't think of a johnson pun but i'll get there national iowa day why does iowa just make me why is iowa just make me and why is it why does it sound it's so simple and easy it's sexy you know god i love it something about like iowa milwaukee just like towns the cities like that i'm like i was a state shut up yeah yeah milwaukee's a fucking shut up wait is it mil No, it's a city.

Places like that, I'm just like, oh, fuck, I love that. It's just nothing. There's no like, oh, we're known for this. It's just like a normal ass. Give me some normal, plain ass city. God damn. National Boy Scouts Day Thursday. I hate the boy scouts bro just weirdos

like at least do something girl scouts are out here like making cookies they don't make them but like they at least they're they're known for cookies girl scouts are like i don't even know what the fuck they do but those cookies they have bomb boy scouts are like, I don't even know what the fuck they do, but those cookies they have? Bomb. Boy Scouts are like, what the fuck? Can you guys do something? Like, they got you beat, dog. Year after year after year after year after year after year, the Girl Scouts just stepping over the boy scouts like alan iverson and tyron lou just you gonna try nope okay we'll just blow you out of the water again hey boy scouts make like some fucking hot dogs or something Flavored hot dogs

Boy Scouts hot dogs Every year people are buying them at the store Boy Scouts hot dog season In the summer you know what I mean Girl Scout cookies come out in the winter Boy Scout hot dogs come out in the summer Boom bitch Cheddar ones they're like the Samoas of

Girl Scout cookies you know what i mean do something bro y'all are about to get discontinued you guys are gonna have to move the franchise or something bro if you don't start trying boy scouts we're known for making knots. Shut up. Shoots him in the foot. Friday. Oh, God. National cut the cord day. I'm never going to do that.

How about people that are like, oh, my God, your screen time's crazy. I'm like, it's never changing. It's only going to be like more now. So shut up. My screen time. people that are like i set a timer on my phone so i'm not on my apps all the time i'm like never would do that ever yeah my apps are locked sorry let me put in my password i'm like are you serious? My, you know, I'm trying to, I'm trying to, I'm trying to have less screen time throughout the day. I'm trying to have more.

One thing about me, I'm trying to see, I'm trying to break the world record for screen time. I don't give a shit. You were on Instagram for 14 hours today. Good! Learned more than I ever have in my entire life. Pizza day. For some reason, pizza really hasn't been doing it for me lately. Is anybody else going through one of those phases?

What happened where pizza wasn't... i think i had a bad pizza oh this happened i tried to get oh the last time i had pizza was the the phone call with the asian lady oh yeah you want stuffed crust big daddy i was like jesus christ bro this is like horny for no reason i just want some pizza. Oh yeah. I wanted Papa John's one night. I think it was like a week after that. I wanted Papa John's every Papa John's in the, in Hollywood, in the surrounding area was closed and wouldn't deliver. I'm like, it's 8 PM on a Saturday. What? Whatever. Superbowl's 8 p.m on 8 p.m on a saturday what whatever super bowls this week super bowls this sunday i'm not doing i'm not even gonna watch it i'm not gonna watch one play and i can't fucking wait i don't know why does that make me like

one of those people that like wants to be different i just don't i just can't wait for everybody to be doing one thing and i don don't have to do it. It just feels so like, ah, thank God. It feels like a PTO, like I have PTO stocked up. You know when you have a bunch of PTO, and there's this big work week coming up, and you're just like, I'm using all my fucking PTO this week, baby girl. And they're like, no way. And you're like, yep.

That's how I feel during the Super Bowl. I'm like, you guys have fun, bro. I'm going to be doing nothing. It just feels like the world stopped for one second. And I can just look at the wall and be like, okay. Okay. And all the good parts of the Super Bowl are on your phone right every

single Super Bowl I'm like I'll just all the good shit you guys take the you guys watch the game and then you say all the good shit and put it on I'm watching a condensed better version of the Super Bowl on my phone Saturday Saturday

National Cream Cheese Brownie Day. That sounds dangerous. But can you make it the right way? You know? Yeah, cream cheese brownie sounds all fine and dandy, but can you really execute? That's a thing with a lot of people. Oh my God, we did it!

Yeah, but are you how much like how are you really gonna like crush it are you just gonna like kind of make it and it's not gonna look good but if you can execute a cream cheese brownie and like make it good you're like a you're like a top tier citizen to me because that takes a lot of time and effort. Umbrella day. Name one person that like, name one guy that looks good carrying an umbrella.

That was my first, I hate saying it, but that was my first ick. When I was my, I hate saying it, but that was my first ick. When I was like, I think I was like in fourth grade or something and it was raining and my dad got an umbrella like out of his trunk and like we were walking around or maybe he was like picking me up. He was like watching me at practice. And my dad with an umbrella just pissed me off so much that I was like I don't even I can't even stand you anymore that was like the final straw or something that like that like that's the thing that like blew the floodgates open I was like bro you are just I you I cannot believe you have an umbrella right

now and it wasn't like the fact I know you gotta have an umbrella like because it's raining and you don't want to get fucking rained on and it makes sense but it's just the way he was like resting the umbrella on his shoulder i was like what the you you're a homophobic ass just resting an umbrella on your shoulder all right why don't you go why don't you go get in a musical or something like, bro, it just looks so like, I'm like, all right, Mr. Umbrella, all of a sudden you're just Mr. Umbrella. I don't know why, man. I've never seen any dude be able to pull off an umbrella unless they're like, you know, in a music video or something. you know, in a music video or something.

But guys in umbrellas, it is just so weird to see. I'm like, you know what you should do? Like, my dad should not be having an umbrella on his shoulder. He should just have a newspaper over his head at all times. It's raining? Get your Indianapolis Star out of the trunk. That's how guys should protect themselves from the rain. Just the Boston globe above their head.

What? Yeah, let's go. Come on, hurry. LA Times. What's the New York one? I like the names of papers. That's another thing. Then I'm like, well, how's another thing that I'm like wow how'd you pick that you know you ever think about that Indianapolis star okay whoa hey oh

Sunday pork rind day I don't. I always see them and I'm like, on another episode of Who's Buying This, that's a good one for Who's Buying This. That's a good one. I've tried to do it before. I tried to do it before, but I was just like, I don't. It just seemed a little forced, I think.

Because now all the Who's Buying This are like crazy, I feel. I'm in a good place with who's buying it right now. And I might've set the bar a little too high. I'm not going to lie. I know big shot over here, but I might've like kind of buried myself a little bit. Cause I can't go back to old. I can't do who's buying this Cracker Jacks. Now people would be like, what? It's got to be like,'s buying this taco bell baja blast toothpaste like that's the type of shit i'm on i don't know how often those products are going to come around i'm being a bitch right now yes i will do who's buying this pork rinds next week

inventors day what did we just invent? We invented a couple things on this podcast Boy Scouts hot dogs In the subway toaster Put me on dude I swear those are pretty like not bad ideas Like if you really think about it Like those are like

Pitch em Pitch them. Those aren't bad, bro. Subway toaster in your kitchen? Oh, let's go. Subway doesn't sell it because they go out of business. Peppermint patty day? Peppermint patty would be a sick, like, girl rapper name. Peppermint motherfucking patty day peppermint patty would be a sick like girl rapper name

peppermint motherfucking patty yeah she's about to rap and it's like the the ice breath sound effect that superman does patty patty you know what i mean that'd be sick if you know what you know you know the fuck i'm talking about i need to reintroduce this this the psycho club don't cry over spilled milk day oh there's spilled milk all over my car right now from that uh footlong subway cookie that i dipped

in that wine glass full of milk oh god and i was not kidding about that cookie that was one of the best cookies that was that was probably the best i should have probably now looking back i probably should have rated that a 10 out of 10 but it's just hard to give something a 10 out of 10 like it's that's a big commitment 10 perfect come on the only one ever is cow tails and i stand by that it was so good i was like damn they really did this and part of the reason that cow tails is 10 out of 10 because i ate it at like i think it was like 1130 PM. And you know what happens at 1130 PM? Baby wants a sweet treat in his warm bed with his phone charging.

And my sweet treat that night just so happened to be a cow tail. All right, y'all. It's a wrap. Fun pod. It always is. It always is fun with the fam. Love you guys, man. For real.

I mean it. Thank you for everything you do. Hop in on the live stream. They're lit every week. Join in the Patreon. Support your boy. Working hard. I promise.

Thank you guys all the time every time I'm doing anything I'm like the fam this one goes out to the fam if I don't want to do something some days sometimes I'm like well the fam

come on love you guys man for real before I start crying and shit remember to get your tickies to the show

Orlando I'll be there baby February 28th get your merch put your tickies to the show Orlando I'll be there baby February 28th get your merch put your homies on the Patreon tell them about it and uh

I'll talk to you guys next week ha ha ha ha fuck