Espresso - most toxic thing you've done

Episode Date: April 14, 2022

𝐔𝐏𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐖𝐒: Helium Comedy Club Thursday 4-13-22 @ 7:15pm ↓ https://indianapolis.heliumcomedy.com/shows/170587 🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) on this episode Ben answers the Espresso Question of the week: what's the most toxic thing you've ever done? (like shitting in your bf's bed) 86 NEWS reports on a company offering 15/hour to watch x rated movies from the comfort of your own home then Ben realizes how nice it would feel to get divorced, he admits if he had a therapist he would 100% fall in love w them and figures out that ham is actually a pigs whole entire ass 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Shot 2-0-6 And Lil' Coco's in the motherfuckin' mix Yeah It's Lil' Coco My rap name's Lil' Coco You already know though It's short for uh Coco Puffs

Let me play Yeah, turn me up a little bit. Uh. Yeah. Cocoa Puffs on my butt. Baby girl, I'm a serial killer. I wake up at 8am like Thriller Not Mike Jack, it's Lil' Coco Give me the bowl and watch me do some more

I put the puffs all the way to the top Then I open the motherfuckin' fridge, yeah I need that, I need that vitamin D, yo No almond milk, no soy I want that, want that whole thing I want that thick shit Cover my puffs, huh Call me Count Chocula I don't want no tricks CTC, crunchitize me

Captain, yeah You might be lucky, but I'm the charm, girl, yeah, hidden, yeah, inside the box is a little treat, girl, uh, might be something real neat, baby, it don't matter, this is F Faze at Music I can be a little spoon, yeah Just cover it in a little milk That's all I need for a little brekkie I'm a morning person, yeah Coco This ain't continental. Yeah, we serve it right in the kitchen.

Oh, yeah, okay. What? What's up, fam? Shot 206. What's up fam? Shot 206 Dude that means I've been doing Podcast solo For a hundred episodes

Did they ever think He'd be able to do it this long? No, did he ever think? No Did he ever think he'd be able to talk to a wall For this long? Absolutely Hey uh Remember Patreon podcast one extra wall for this long. Absolutely. Hey, remember,

Patreon podcast, one extra episode a week. Join. There's also some little secret vids on there, too. You guys will like. I mean, it's $5 a month. It's just the law. Express law. And, oh, shows.

Show tonight. Helium Comedy Club, downtown Indianapolis. Come through. I'm opening it up for my dog, Michael Blaustein. This dude is so funny. I've been on a show with him before with Trevor Wallace a couple years ago, dude. Funny MFs. They have a podcast called Stiff Socks.

Check it out. Dude's hilarious. I think he's my favorite comedian right now. Swear to God. Swear to God. Michael Blaustein on Instagram. Look him up. Dude, it's crowd work.

But yeah, hot show. We got a good question, but first I have a little news. Oh, my. For 86 News, I am Johnson. Johnson. M. Johnson. Breaking news here, people.

There's a company, this just in, there's a company offering $15 an hour to watch X-rated movies from the comfort of your own home. Oh, God. X-rated porn. Oh, my. And it says they're offering up a unique new role in the business world that allows you to literally get paid to watch porn. Can you believe this? Oh, God. The things this country. Oh God. The things, this country. Oh geez. I mean, this, this, this really changes

the meaning of coming to work. Okay. Okay. All right. I'll be, I can't, I'll be serious. But this, this, this specific article, it sounds like, I mean, I would never do this. It sounds like a job that really won't get out of hand. Oh, God. Okay, but actually, I signed up for this job just to investigate this sketchy, disgusting offer. Ew. And during the interview, I had one question for this scummy corporation. I asked them right to their face.

I looked them dead in the eyes as a reporter I am, and I asked them, do you guys pay overtime? Oh, my God. am and I asked them, do you guys pay overtime? Today was actually the first day on the job Oh, my. 86 news. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, God. Hi. I'm Johnson. What is that?

Oh, shit, I hate that. All right, let's go. This week for the Espresso. Quick, quick, quick, quick, let's go. This week for the espresso. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. Question of the week. What's the most toxic thing you've ever done? What's the most toxic thing you've ever done? It can be with friends.

It doesn't have to be in a relationship. For me, it's just I fall in love like a divorced mom It's just what I do We even look at each other I'm like, honey Let's go to TJ Maxx Let's hear what the fam had to say From Anonymous

What's your toxic trait well there's a difference between oh god petty toxic and crazy i'd say i'm a mix of those one time i made my boyfriend at the time a taco and I put flax in it because I found out he cheated on me. So I just sat there for the next day or two and he just thought he had food poisoning. Well, that's a shitty situation. All right, let's keep going. situation all right let's keep going one time when i was younger i had my best friend text me as if she was a dude to flirt with me to see if it bothered the guy that i was with so i could figure out if he liked me at all the laxative tacos if that happened to me i definitely wouldn't suspect that a girl did it to me.

Every time I eat tacos, I shit my pants for the next three and a half weeks. I'd be like, all right, taco night. Nothing unusual here. What's the most toxic thing you've ever done from anonymous? I'm not that toxic of a person, but if a guy takes an hour to respond i'll take two hours to respond if he takes two hours to respond i'll take four hours to respond i will always double the time it takes for them to respond dude i can't do that i can't do that i respond so quick or 17 days later. I can't.

Like, I'd have to set a timer. Like, I don't think it should be like that. Am I just a bitch? I can't play those games. I'm just like, yeah, whenever. Whenever. Text me back. But I guess it's fair, isn't it?

Because everybody deep down Just wants to text everybody back so fast But I'm like I don't know what to say A girl texts me something I'm like damn I gotta be Like this has gotta be good I think every text matters At the beginning of a relationship

I'm like I can't miss I can't take one L in this convo Or I'm done dude that's why it takes so long to text back like you think I'm playing a game with you no I'm just I just don't know what to say I could never all right here we go from anonymous what's your toxic train i was uh dating my bad what's the most toxic thing you've ever done girl in college and we were getting ready to go on spring break and um i didn't want to date her anymore i wanted to break up but we had already gotten our room and everything together before heading down there so So, um, I just decided that I would wait until we got to our hotel room and figured out where we were staying before I broke up with her. And when we got there,

I broke up with her and we just, I thought I was being reasonable. And I said, yeah, you're welcome to bring guys back, uh, because I'm going to bring girls back. And the other toxic part of it was if I struck out on bringing girls home throughout the week after the club or after the beach or something like that, I would try to hook up with her. So it was an extremely toxic week the entire week of spring break, but one of the most memorable spring breaks of all time. He tried to end it on like a high note.

Oh, shit shit That is so I could never do that to myself Hey baby all packed and ready to go Got the reservations Then you get there and you're like Guess what I never liked you On spring break

There's no way that girl stayed there Dude if you really did that to a girl The girl would just go home Or like On spring break. There's no way that girl stayed there. Dude, if you really did that to a girl, the girl would just go home or like definitely not stay in the same place. No chance. My dog had a plan A, plan B. Spring break is too weird, dude. If you have a girlfriend on spring break, you just always have a girlfriend on spring break. It doesn't matter who what. It doesn't matter.

If you're single on spring break, you always low-key have a girlfriend. You do! Even if you're single in real life, guess what? You got a girlfriend somehow. That girl you talked to for a little too long the other day? Guess what? She's your girlfriend now

You never really know Like where's the line You never know Some girl's mad at me guess what Probably your girlfriend Alright here we go What's the most toxic thing you've ever done From Anonymous Yo it's Mayo Main What's the most toxic thing you've ever done from anonymous yo it's mayo main

what's the most toxic thing i've ever done well i was in a band where me and two other guys wanted to leave and start a new band well well there was a show scheduled already with this band called the bled that you know they were kind of big. They opened for Linkin Park and shit. I really liked them. And so I convinced the other two guys to just go through the motions the next two months, not say shit about it,

play shows along the way that we didn't want to play, practices we didn't want to have, conversations with these guys we didn't want to have about a future we weren't going to be a part of work on songs that we were never going to finish and hang out with people that we didn't want to hang out of we don't want to hang out with just because i wanted to play one show also uh during the last song that we ever played uh i locked eyes with one of the other guys that was quitting with me and i just screamed last time because i wanted to acknowledge this is it we'll never play to acknowledge, this is it.

We'll never play this song again. This is it. Dude, how come bands always just want to break up? Like, is that the point? Every band or music group ever, we're splitting up. It's like, no shit. Every single band. We're bringing the band back. The band's back together. Every single band We're bringing the band back The band's back together

Every single band Like just fucking be a unit Be a team damn it Destiny's Child when they broke up I was like no No fucking way When all those groups broke up I was like there's no way

But how lame would it be if they didn't You ever think about that When all those groups broke up, I was like, there's no way. But how lame would it be if they didn't? You ever think about that? When the Backstreet Boys go on tour now and stuff, I'm like, ugh. Not that I cared about the Backstreet Boys or anything. Or not that I would go see them live or anything. Ugh. All right, let's keep going.

From Anonymous, what's the most toxic thing you've ever done so it's me the one who thinks your overbite is so sexy what dude i didn't know do i have one okay i uh was dating this guy for like six months and he was a little too much and i tried to break up with him and he started stalking me. So I pressed a no contact order against him and then I slit his tires. And then I was like, I just put the no contact order on him. Why would I go after him? You know, that doesn't make any sense. I would never do that. Dude, how do you slash somebody's tires and not feel like shit? never do that dude how do you slash somebody's tires and not feel like shit but i would never do that to you benny i would never do that to you yo you sound like a problem old tire slasher old junkyard coming after your boy dude i don't know am i a bitch i could never

key somebody's car Or slash somebody's tires I believe in karma too much Oh my god I think it's because I've had to pay for new tires before And it's like $750 Dude slashing someone's tires

Who's ever I could never get that mad Imagine being that mad that you literally get, buy a knife. What kind of knife did she use? Girls just don't have knives. She's, I'd, I'd bring out a butter knife and be like, ah. Damn dog, slashing someone's tires that you're that mad at them. Oh, fuck. That you're that mad at him

Damn girl you crazy But what's your number? No, I'm just kidding from anonymous That's the most toxic thing you've ever done damn Fell out of his fucking chair? Once forced my ex-girlfriend to cheat on me. Bro, hold on. He just banged his head against the wall. He's like, I don't want to do it!

I don't want to do it! I don't want to see it! Fuck it! I once forced my ex-girlfriend to cheat on me. Forced her to? You guys are fucking nuts. Why? She's probably going to do it anyway, you crazy ass.

Bro, I shouldn't have asked this question. Y'all are crazy. I can't believe I just said y'all. Sometimes it just feels right. You got to slip a y'all in there. Oh, shit. I think that's the second time I've a y'all in there. Oh, shit. I think that's the second time I've said y'all in my entire life, but fuck it felt good. All right, here we go.

From anonymous, what's your toxic trait? All right, what's the most toxic thing you've ever done? I keep fucking that up. Sorry. Hey, so I don't know if you're going to get this, but one of the toxic things that I do is on Facebook, they notify you of whose birthday it is that day. They send you a list and a notification. So I go through that list and I unfriend people on their birthday to like clean house or like minimalize, you know, my friends list. Um, if I don't talk to them or,

you know, have some bad blood, whatever, whatever, whatever. I unfriend them on their birthday because I will fly under the radar amongst all of the birthday messages and well wishes that they get on that day i don't know if it's toxic or smart i don't know but i do it hope you're having a good day thank you for making mine damn dog i love you thank you but bro birthdays on facebook that used to be a whole ass event like early facebook days remember when facebook was lit does anyone remember that dude i was on facebook like it was tiktok and instagram in college like my freshman year of college facebook was dirty dude oh shit and like when it was your birthday people would just blow their load on you.

Oh, shit. You felt like the king on your birthday on Facebook. Now when it says there's somebody's birthday on Facebook, I'm like, what the? Why am I even friends with this dude? It like notifies me of the weirdest people. It's Michael Carver's birthday. I'm like, that was, what the? That was a dude that didn't talk in fifth grade,

like, social studies class. Why? That is a good way. It's always hard to, like, I always wonder, like, do people, like, really track who unfollows them? I think that's the lamest shit. Like, one time I unfollowed this dude,

and he's like, what happened, bro? I was like, Jesus Christ, dog. You're just not giving me anything. You're not putting anything on the table for me. What are you bringing to the table for my feed, Jesse? What happened, dog? I thought we were buddies. I'm like, ew, you check this shit like that? That could be a toxic trait right there.

Bro. If somebody unfollows you, guess what? It's not their fault. It's yours. From Anonymous, what's the most toxic thing you've ever done? The most toxic thing I've ever done was probably when I was broken up with my ex at the time. When I was broken up with my ex at the time and I literally walked to his house and I crawled like to his window to see if he was talking to somebody or if somebody was in his house. Because he lived on the first floor.

And he was talking to someone else. And so I banged on his window and he opened the window and I crawled in his window because I was not gonna let him talk to nobody else why'd you break up with them then I'm breaking up with you but I still care more than ever probably right now I care more than ever because I'm literally crawling to your house right now why dude girls break up with guys for the weirdest is it is it just a test when girls break up with guys girl breaks up with you you're like are you really wait wait what is this do you like me more than ever or do you actually not like me they're like you have to communicate i'm like you communicate this is the last one from anonymous what's the most toxic thing you've ever done

the most toxic thing i've ever done and i'm on a stationary bike no shit that's why i'm panting i'm not 300 pounds or am I just kidding so the most toxic thing I've ever done is get mad at my ex-boyfriend for cheating on me when he actually didn't cheat on me I was just crazy by the way this is at midnight she's just fucking at soul cycle or something going to the gym to work out meeting a trainer at the gym having sex with him that night getting so blackout drunk that i threw up and pissed in his bed called him my boyfriend's name then proceeded i don't know why i'm saying this then proceeded to take jesus christ naked pictures with him uh throw up in his shower bring my boyfriend and eyes yo what the hell i just want to know like what day the week it was because if it's anything but like saturday or friday is so fucked. And you know what?

He still hit me up to hang out. So obviously, obviously that was a good time. Even though I basically shit in his bed. That's not even the toxic part. Going home the next day, cleaning myself up to have, Oh God, to have my ex-boyfriend come home with flowers and candy and go into a 45 minute spiel about how he was going to be a better boyfriend to make me feel more secure. And I'll let him do it.

Dude, poor guy. I hate girls, man. I don't think a guy would ever do that, would they? Yeah, of course they would. I was just trying to stick up for the fellas. Nah, I would do worse shit than that. You shit and threw up in his bed. Now you have two shitty boyfriends.

That's it, yo. Jesus Christ, the most toxic things you've ever done, done, done. I haven't done shit, man. Maybe I need to be more of a dick. Nah, I can't. I haven't done shit like that. I don't think I can. I'm just like, I just can't, like... I'll never be that mad at someone.

And if I was mad at someone, I'd be like, what am I doing, wasting my time? I don't know. I could never do it. All right. But let's go. Viral. I like totals, totals. Viral is a segment where I take the most trending hashtags on the internet

and talk about them for a little bit. But before we do that, remember the Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave 1 Media. If you want to start your own show, visit thewave1.com. Hashtag thoughts that keep me up at night But you ever just think Like you left your Like I always just think Like my

Damn did I close my car door Like you know you get out of your car And you're fumbling around With like 18,000 fucking things I've never gotten Out of my car And not had to carry something I'm always carrying shit.

I just got off a plane, bro. You know how good it felt to check that free bag at Southwest? Oh my God. But that's what I think about when I'm right about to go to sleep. I still think I have, I damn near think I have homework when I go to sleep. Still. I still have PTSD of being like, damn, did I get that done? You're a grown up and you forgot you had some shit due.

Oh, dude, no, no, no. The worst moment of your life growing up. After school, you go all the way home and you forget a book at school. Your parents have never, your mom has never been more mad on that drive back to school. The radio's off. This is just your breath the whole time. You try to say something and your mom's like, no. You try to say something and your mom's like, no.

You gotta let some weird janitor has to let you in the school because it's like locked. What's up with that? Dude, I used to wait till like 5 p.m. for my mom to pick me up from school. She'd always be so goddamn late. I was like, did you forget the time? We've been going to school for 300 days straight dude I'd wait at school till 7 p.m. for my mom to pick me up I'd be like oh my god and but then the one time she was on time go all the way home forgot a book get back to school ten minutes later everything's locked haha you have to like climb on

top of the church, break open a school window to get inside and get your book for your phonics homework. Holy shit. I'd always have to ask some weird janitor. Mr. Beckham? I forgot a book. Could you let me in my classroom?

He'd look at you like you were the biggest dumbass ever i'm like like this hasn't happened before maybe i was the only one was i the only one that was forgetting a book oh shit that was the drive of shame damn Bruh That hurt Yeah PTSD from homework Hashtag when I feel alone Hashtag when I feel alone Uh There's nothing better

I think I like being alone a little too much Is that a weird thing or is that a normal thing Dude I'm alone. It's just fucking fairyland. It's just in my own little stupid ass world. I saw this girl walking around like in a, I was just in Florida. I saw this girl walking around and she like, she looked like super lonely and she like had like headphones in. She was like carrying something. It looks like she looked like super lonely and she like had like headphones

in she's like carrying something it looks like she's been walking for a really long time she's holding a whole bunch of stuff she like looked super depressing and i was like wait a minute this is probably the best day of her life bro i can't i can't being alone is just sexy it's like when you turn 25 you you're just like, I can't. Can't talk to you anymore. I'm going to sit here all day. Hashtag tips for April showers. Tips for April showers.

Is that kind of a myth? Does it rain more in the spring? Or is that just like spring's thing? Like fall leaves, winter snow Summer, sun I need something for spring! Does it rain more? Or is it just kind of like normal?

I've never been like, God it's been raining so much this spring Get your umbrellas ready! Are they talking about actual showers do people still use washcloths in showers yo my roommate does it's so wild he's just got like a stack of washcloths i'm like i don't know if that's doing anything washcloths are so dirty i'm straight up I'm straight up body wash to hands to skin Not a loofah In sight for your boy Loofahs are disgusting Hang in there

On your faucet Like a pink one They do always look kind of clean though But I'm like eww Loofah the word. That's a word right there my dad would never say. Holy shit. I'd be like, dad, what is this thing?

He'd be like, the fluffy sponge. You might not even say fluffy, dude. Luffas. Oh, my God. You really can get away with keeping a loofah for like 17 years no one would know as a loose loofah ever disintegrated because you don't take it anywhere with you it's just in your shower oh shit nah dude i'm straight i used to just rub the bar on is that weird because nobody like knows how anyone showers because you're just so like

you never talk about that. I just used to get the bar soap and rub it on my dead ass skin. I used to get the bar soap and rub it on my head. That's probably why I had a hair transplant. He figured it out. Now I just use 17 in 1 body wash

Hashtag If zombies get us Hashtag if zombies get us I feel like they wouldn't I would love that You guys would see a different side of me That's where I'd be toxic Yo I'd fuck a zombie up

Oh my god A zombie? Zombies are so stupid bro Ooh boy If a zombie was coming after somebody I liked If a zombie was coming after somebody I didn't like I'd be like get em I'd like throw raw meat at him. Fuck him up, zombie.

Zombies are so damn dumb. How are they, like, killing people in movies? Or in, like, TV series and shit? They walk with their hands out? Or does that just sound like Scooby-Doo? I haven't watched anything on TV in, like, 10 years. I don't know how zombies are these days. Are they smarter?

Back in the day, zombies were dumb as hell If a zombie kills you that's embarrassing Oh I'd beat the shit out of a zombie Oh my god Who's not beating up a zombie If you think about it All that shit you're kind of scared of I'm still so scared of Chucky.

But if Chucky came up on me, dog, beat the hell out of that little thing. And his wife. That's so gross. Actually, I wouldn't beat up his wife. I'd kiss her. Hashtag, I would only date you if. I'd only date you if you left me a voice message just now Seriously though Why is that every girl?

I'd only date you if You like absolutely nothing And you complain about everything. Those are the people I like. They have no interest, but they just hate everything. That's my shit. What's your fetish? I don't know.

Do you complain? All the time. Oh, shit. That really is, though. When people ask me that, like, what's your fetish? Like, in a real, I'm like, I can't answer you. Like, that's so weird. On the beach, me and you.

I'm like, dude, that's so corny. What's your fetish? Fucking, I don't know. Like, frozen pizza at the wrong time? Like, that's my fetish not watching tv what's your kink uh not having a tv in my house oh god talk dirty to me what's what's something you want to do that's dirty uh watch tiktok for like three hours before i go to bed hashtag twitter would be better with dude people are saying that twitter is gonna have an edit

button i think that would ruin everything right because what if you had like a super viral tweet And then you could edit it And say whatever you want That would get That shit would get out of hand Alright Hashtag new emojis I'm interested in this

What is this They're not actually new They came out like a long time ago But like So there's like a guy saluting. Dude, people know how to use emojis so well. And it pisses me off. I'm so bad at using, I use like the same four. And then I'm like, ah, I want to like, you know, when you're like talking to somebody and you like want to make a good impression, I'm like, oh, I want, I want her,

I want her to know like my emoji game just kills. Because girls are good at using emojis. They use the right ones. I'm like, damn, that was a good one. How'd you know? Everybody has a different emoji style. They have a different top four. And you're like, oh, I never even thought about using that one right there.

Pregnant dudes are an emoji now? Maybe that's not a guy. I don't know. Attire? About time. How do they decide on these? A white guy shaking a black guy's hand is a new emoji? That's kind of embarrassing.

What the fuck? Shouldn't that have been, like, the first one? Just, like, the random ones they come up with. You can tell like... Dude, emojis are like just the number. They look so good. If the animation was any better, it'd be annoying. And if it was any worse, it'd be like, what is this? MSN Messenger?

The ones they come up with. There's like three pinto beans. There's like a a raft a disco ball and it's always every time they come out with them i'm like i would yeah okay why didn't they think about that there might be too many now before there was an emoji search bar i was lost bro i was lost i don't think i even used them i still don't know like why do they have all those flags like who's who's using the flags like that? Hashtag therapist thinks I should.

I don't know, man. I don't know if I could go to a therapist. It'd have to be, like, the oldest, like, most ugly lady ever. Because if I had a therapist, I'd completely fall in love with them. After the first session, I'd be like oh my god she knows me oh my god she knows everything how do you have a therapist and not fall head over heels I'd be so easy Jesus Christ I'd be like the number one easiest and not fall head over heels.

I'd be so easy. Jesus Christ. I'd be like the number one easiest person to diagnose. Oh, yeah. You're emotionally unavailable. Like, what guy isn't emotionally unavailable? Isn't that like every guy? What guy is just like 100% vulnerable? I don't think girls would like that if a guy was emotionally available I think girls

would be like he's like I don't know if he's my type he's like just to like free-spirited like I like my men closed off his fuck I like my men to be emotionally Available as a 2x4 From Home Depot Cause girls are always trying to like Fix guys Girls are always like oh I can get them to open up No you can't sweetie

Dad ruined that a long time ago You can talk to him about it though No, you can't, sweetie. Dad ruined that a long time ago. You can talk to him about it, though. All right, let's do days of the week. Days of the week. Days of the week is a segment where I go through all the national days of the week because there's like 14 that don't even matter and they're really stupid. You know, we just talk a little shit. Talk a little shot. a little shot oh shot

Thursday Thursday National Ex-Spouse Day Ex-Spouse It's gotta feel so good to get divorced wouldn't it? Maybe that's my toxic trait I so good to get divorced Wouldn't it? Maybe that's my toxic trait I already want to be divorced

Wouldn't it be so lit that first day out After the After the judge Slams down the gavel Or whatever the hell that thing is You'd be like oh Why'd you get married in the first place? Subtweet to everyone. That's my dream. What do you want to be when you grow up? That's what I said in first grade. I was like a cool

divorced dad. Can you imagine in first grade just with like cool J's and shit. Wow. National Gardening Day. Damn, that's the point in your life. When you have a garden, that's the point in your life where it's like, whoa. I'm not talking shit about gardens, but like

when you have a garden That's the point where you're like I got a lot of time on my hands now If you're a grandparent And you have a garden That seems reasonable My grandpa used to pick out Tomatoes from the garden

But that just seems like If you're under 40 you shouldn't have a garden. Unless you have a soup company. Oh, God. National Pecan Day. Pecans are kind of gross by themselves, but on pie? Slap my ass and sell me for parts.

Pecans are so good, I'm rubbing my chest right now. and sell me for parts. Oh. Pecans are so good, I'm rubbing my chest right now. Pecan pie is so good, I'm rubbing my chest. I'm really doing it. What the hell? I'm starving, by the way. Yo, I'm about to eat. I'm about to go to Whole Foods after this and run up a check on that salad bar.

I swear, I'll set a record in there. Oh my God, he did it again! He did it again! Me walking up to the Whole Foods scale to weigh my salad box. He did it again, people! Can you believe it? There's an MC there in shed.

He's done it! He broke his last record from filling his salad box up for 30 pounds. He put it on the scale. 32.6. Let's give him a hand. It's a party at Whole Foods. Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot.

So much weight in that box, dude. I'll break the scale today. Oh, God. much weight in that box dude i'll break the scale today oh god friday national glaze spiral ham day gross ham is gross it just looks like a pig's butt that's why i never wanted it 100 of pigs but i don't even care what what part of what part of the what part it looks too much like a pig what part of the pig is ham you the word ham too oh it's it's ass god damn it it's a hundred percent it's ass ew i i love i hate it but i love when they like they like segment off a pig and like show you like what meat comes from what loin boston butt this is so gross this is a like a vegan nightmare right now hawk bacon and it's gut jowl back

spare ribs why spare like there's like real ones and then that's like your spare tire of ribs just in the middle of it dude pigs are so fat oh shit ham is straight up its ass that is so weird no wonder man no wonder it makes me feel like shit when i eat ham oh glazed honey ham glazed honey pig ass, National Rubber Eraser Day, God, those were a blessing when you had one of those in school, I was, I probably averaged more erases per paper, more than ever,

I'll erase fucking, you ever fuck up so bad, you had to erase a whole page with your pencil eraser, and you have carpal tunnel after? Ew, that was gross. There were so many moments in school growing up where I was like, my wrist might really break. I've been writing too much. That's disgusting. That pink eraser, though.

The things you did to that thing. I probably ate three growing up. It'd always have a bunch of thumbtacks in it and shit. It would look like a, like literally like a pig. That eraser was a piece of ham. Oh, God. National Titanic Remembrance Day. Never saw it.

Saturday. National Eggs Benedict Day. God, I hate him. Sorry. How about the guy that wrote Benedict on my check over the weekend? I was like, I don't know if he's kidding or not, but I kind of have to like that. Benedict. Just with a K.

He was probably in a hurry, bro. I was kind of like, what did I do? Did I say something? National Pajamas to Work Day! People that wear pajamas get a life. Does anybody really have them? Does anybody like, does anybody like put my PJs on

nobody really has pajamas right and you call them pajamas too if you wear pajamas you call them pajamas that's it get your jammies on the families on Christmas that like buy a whole set of pajamas for their fam

to take pictures in they don't ever fucking wear them again oh god i don't think i ever had them i've just been wearing like shitty shorts in like a weird big shirt everybody has this shirt that they hate but they love to sleep in it's so big and weird everybody has like their top choice and when it's not there you're like Oh You gotta wear your backup sleep shirt It's like kind of uncomfortable I have to wear a shirt to bed Wearing no shirt is

I'm so cold I have to wear socks too How do you guys not wear socks to bed? How cold are your feet in the morning? Oh You're psycho No Frozen ass feet in the morning have to wear socks I feel like I'm

missing something that's what keeps me up at night if I don't have socks on we wake up with one sock oh god oh my sleeping in like you gotta wear like mid those white mid n socks. Best socks of all time. Better than the black. Mid white Nike socks. That's the sock. If you wear ankle socks to bed, you're just asking for a nightmare. Because that's going to slip off half your foot in the

middle of the night and you're going to wake up and be like, If I wake up with one sock on, it's over. I'll never sleep again. Sunday. National Cheese Ball Day. Those are always, like, I would never buy them, but anytime they're around, I always eat, like, 46 of them. They're so good.

Oh, my God. Any type of, of like cheese puff. I'm like, Hey, they're all, you can't, you can't buy cheese balls and like a normal size. You can't buy like 15. It's all,

it's always like, it's always like 3000 or none. And they always come in like a barrel. I'm like, damn. All right. That's it, fam. Shot 206.

Dude, it's been a ride. 100 episodes solo. Sometimes with some guests. But thanks for rocking with me. I love you guys. Remember to join the Patreon for an extra shot every week. Come to the show this Thursday. Downtown Helium Comedy Club. I'll have more details in the bio.

But, I love you guys. Subscribe, rate, review, keep following. I appreciate everything you guys do. For real. That's from the bottom of my heart, baby. Look, I'll go. Okay, I'll talk to you guys next week.

Bye fam.