Espresso - near-death experiences

Episode Date: March 4, 2021

This week the Fam sent in their near-death experiences (like getting crushed by a horse while playing redneck polo ......) lol Ben breaks down his viral self defense TikTok and realizes he's been making out with mannequins his entire life. He discovers that it's impossible to actually go skiing unless you snapped both of your collarbones and tore your meniscus, he teaches you the one word you need to know to win an argument, remembers screaming at kids who cut through his yard when he was 12 and understands that he'll never get more excited in his life than when there's a DJ drop right before the climax of a song WHERED YOU FIND THIS? He goes #ViViViViral and does #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😎 UPCOMING SHOWS: March 12/13 Wiley's Comedy Club (Dayton, OH) 𝘿𝙈 𝙤𝙧 𝙏𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝘼𝙉𝙔 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙙 ! (@benedictpolizzi) →→→ 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄! 𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝗲𝗻!: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave One Media. If you want to start your own show, visit thewaveone.com. Shot 148. We ain't dead yet. Every time I drink a whole container of family-sized coffee in two hours. We ain't dead yet. Every time I drink a whole container of family-sized coffee in two hours. After I eat an entire shrimp cocktail that serves a Super Bowl party for dinner. after i go for a run on the interstate and get back to my car safely after i record something in public and 19 people are staring at me and I get back to my house, okay, and safe and sound.

We ain't dead yet. I swear to God, man, that is the most... Nothing is like it. And people don't even care. When you're, like, filming something in public that's, like, kind of embarrassing or whatever, people like it so much. But, like, while you're filming it, you're you're like holy shit they're gonna call the cops all right what's going on i feel so damn good today man i swear to god i think it's because it's my sister's birthday you ever like get that i don't know what it was i low-key didn't know it was my sister's birthday Till 10.30am

I was like whoops I'm bad at the months Like after like October, November, December I'm like I don't know when's July Then after July I'm like New Year's coming soon or what March, April, May I'm like what is this time of the year

Hey you know your months The people that knew the months on their knuckles, fuck off. I didn't even try. They were like, hey, you can learn them if you just get a right count. The one sticking up, I was just like, in my head was like, I wonder what we're having for dinner tonight. Anyway. Shout 148.

148, the ugliest number 48 and 47 dude 47, 48, 49 The ugliest numbers 46 It's kind of bad too Not as bad as 47, 48, 49 Just ew I hate those numbers

Do people think like that or or am I just crazy? But if something's 47, I'm like, you couldn't change it? When I transferred from UND to Marion to play football, at first they gave me number 87, and I was like, can I switch back to UND? I was like, I'd literally rather not play than be number 87 promise And then somebody's thank God somebody quit and they're a number 15. I was like give me that fucking I mean, hey guys, do you mind if I have that number?

Hey guys, it'd be great if I could have that number. Let me know ASAP. Haha. Thank you. Benedict Pulizzi. But yeah, numbers freak me out. 1 through 11, solid. 17, not great.

Any number that ends in a 7, I'm kind of like, God damn, my birthday is October 27 27th i'm talking all this shit i swear to god for like a year i thought my birth somebody was like when's your birthday and i kept saying october 28th and then and then when october rolled around i was like fuck have i been telling people the wrong day people the wrong day. You ever do that with your age? For one year, I just, for some reason, I kept saying I was 22 just because I was stuck on that. I was like 25 and they're like, how old are you? And I was like 22. Fuck. Because once you say the wrong age, you can't be like, God, no, no, no. Sorry. I'm 25. Then they're like, you stole someone's identity. Or you have a mask on or something.

You're a terrorist. Because that is insane. One time I took too long. One time somebody asked me how old I was and I was like, um, and they're like, bro. And I was like, then I just said something. I was like 30 and I wasn't even 30. And I was like, now I feel like an old piece of shit. Oh my God.

That is so stupid you gotta roll with it when when you say the wrong age how old are you 16 fuck like you're 16 you're just like yeah Yep So you just got your license Yep But you drove here in a rental car Uh huh I'm a bad boy So dumb Alright Oh hey remember

Subscribe rate review let's get this pod bouncing it's good man this pod is good I just literally honestly it's all my fault but this pod is good you guys know it we know it we all know it I just gotta do a little better job of promoting it I don't know why

I'm telling you guys this right now these are like the thoughts I have in my head when I'm showering and shit. Thanks for listening for real. I got a lot of good feedback on the last couple YouTube vids, YouTube pods, Diaper Boy, all that. Thanks for coming on, all the guests, Derek James, Liam Pinheiro, Sarah Huntington. You guys are fucking crazy. I love that shit. But yeah, remember to tell people about it.

It really makes me, dude, it makes me so happy when people listen to the podcast. I say it all the time, but like, dude, you have no clue. Like some girl said like she can only listen to my podcast. And I was like, thank you. I know. Sounds so conceited. I know. Same here.

It's so funny you think that because me too. That means so much, honestly. Remember to follow on Instagram, TikTok, Cameo, Twitter, all that. Get a Cameo. I'll be any character you want. Promise. Or you can make a character up for me, goddamn. I'll do almost anything on that app.

TikTok, holy shit. That self-defense tutorial with that dummy, that went crazy on TikTok. It's just so funny how something on instagram can get like you know 32 comments i don't even know how many likes and then something on tiktok can almost get a million people are did you see that video that's a minute long video of like the longest dramatic emotional like sequence of this kid, like choosing either or. And then at the end, like he, he splices my video in, um, he didn't even tag me, dude.

The people like interacting with that video are all like 18 year old Asians, which is the weirdest thing. Like how did I, how are 18 year old Asian dudes my demo anyway thanks got reposted by Fitness Gaze lit

I made it like the one video to go crazy is that one isn't that funny put all this time and effort into other shit and then me just making out with a mannequin. People are like, oh my god. And the

stupidest part about that is I've been making out with mannequins just like that my entire life. I was that, of course I was that stupid kid like in the window of small stores like Like being frozen for like seven minutes Fucking right in front of the on the storefront of like wet seal. I'm like

Damn man, it's so funny dude Next time you're with like your girlfriend or like your mom or your friends at the at the mall just walk by a mannequin and kiss it right on the mouth for me please but no i was always fucking with that that that people probably think i got that uh that like fighting mannequin that's in all my videos now and all over the internet now just because of tiktok no dude i've had that mannequin since i was 16 one day for my for christmas one day man for crit like when my dad i've i've fucking said this countless times on this podcast my dad freaks during christmas and when he can't like and we don't give him ideas for him to buy shit he'll just buy stuff and it's like dope but like at the same time i'm like i

don't want like a i don't want like a he'll buy the dumbest shit sometimes and i'm like i don't i don't need like a san diego's chargers calendar like what the fuck but one year he just bought like he always always fucking with that mannequin like in line at dick's sporting goods when i was a kid like he'd be checking out and i'd just be beating the shit out of his face and stuff and one year he just bought it and it was lit i was like damn he's like i'll probably return it just because like i don't know but like i just bought it because it'd be funny and i was like okay that's exactly what i do with everything it'd be funny and I was like okay that's exactly what I do with everything okay dad now I know where I get my entire personality but just doing shit to be just for a reaction so we anyway we obviously

kept it but like it was fun to have in the house for that whole like something me and my dad would like watch football and shit and if somebody like just if somebody fucked up and threw like an interception my dad would go over to that dummy and be like smacking the shit out of it and i don't know just evolved into me making out with it all the time i have no idea what we're talking about before this but oh the video yeah it went crazy It's still going People are still duetting it TikTok is insane The creepiest app for me to Like go viral on

But yeah Alright Let's get to the question Quick quick espresso Quick quick quick quick Hold on it's the quick quick quick It's the quick, quick. It's the question of the week.

Okay. Have you ever had a near-death experience? What was it like? For me, I said it on Instagram. Yeah, it was like my freshman year in college. I was at UND. We had a normal-ass locker room with fans in it one of those three blade fans like on the ceiling just going crazy like there were probably like six of them in there you know like when fans are like just going psycho and they're

like swinging and shit and just like you know you ever see a fan you're just like oh like it looked like that but they're just been it was so hot like that thing could have fucking stabbed me in the neck and I probably wouldn't have cared I would probably been like okay if you ever think about a fan how dangerous is that like if those aren't screwed in you're fucked and literally that's what happened to me I was just standing by my locker like ready to go and this blade just flew off like it just like came undone from the fan. Going at that speed and it went right in front of my face

and drilled my fucking locker. Bah! Like right there. Shoo! It might have even like sliced into the locker. It was insane. But it happened so fast I was like okay well could have died. Well could have died Definitely could have died

But yeah, let's check it out Have you ever had a near-death experience? Alright here we go. Oh My god misfits have you ever had a near-death experience? My brakes went out while I was stopping at a stoplight. That's my worst fear. What do you even do? Dude!

Ah! I always feel like that's gonna happen to me in the winter. My dad always has those stories of like, yeah, I just, I just, uh, I was running out of gas, I was running real low, and I just was able to squeak through and keep it rolling. I pulled up right to the gas pump. I'm like, no, you fucking didn't. No one's ever done that.

When people run out of gas, they're dead in the middle of the road with their flashers on. My dad was like, yeah, just kept it cruising, honked my horn. I was able to roll up and didn't have any juice left. When my car stopped, my tank was perpendicular to the pump. I was like, dude, every dad's got a fucking story like that. But yeah, I always think my brakes are just going to not work. How doesn't that happen all the time? At an intersection?

What do you do? I always think about that too. What if you can't breathe in your car all of a sudden like do you just speed like a motherfucker i always think that like if i if my brakes if if i like stop breathing in my car do you just speed right to the hospital and run in the hospital or do you like stop the car and call 911? But what do you say if you can't breathe? I always think about that. I'm always like, okay, if I can't breathe and I like speed to the nearest like place, aren't the cops going to be like,

what the fuck is going on? And try to like pull me over and try to like fucking shoot me and shit. I'm like dying trying to get to the er and they're like setting out like spike strips and like trying to bump my car off the road while i can't breathe like how are you supposed to let them know just honk and stuff or like when someone's giving birth they're like we sped to the hospital it's crazy but it finally it was perfect and the baby was born i'm like so you didn't get pulled over and like held at gunpoint on the sidewalk like every other person i see fucking liars here we go madison haverly have you ever had a near-death experience

got hit by a firework on the 4th of July three years ago or so. 70% of my legs were burnt off. Wait a minute. So she doesn't have legs. Okay, no. Checked her profile. Definitely has legs.

Her leg hair probably. Shit. I might try that. I'm sick of shaving my face. Can you light this firecracker? Smooth as a baby's bottom. Yeah, it's insane. Anything with fireworks. Dude, I swear I'll never light a firework. Somebody asked me to like

this comedian comedian his name Sean Latham you've probably heard of him Sean Latham he's been on Comedy Central he's been on Pat McAfee's podcast he's been everywhere he's been on Barstool the $20 chef he was like yo bro next Wednesday what are you doing and I was like nothing can't what's up like you want me to like feature for you or something and he was like no do you want to ride four wheelers and shoot guns? And I was like, dude, I would blow my fucking head off. I'm almost a hundred percent sure. I've never been more sure anything in my life that I'd blow my foot off or something. If I shot a gun, I'm just, I just can't deal with it. And it didn't, he's like, oh, you scared? And I was like, dude, I've got a face mask on right now.

I've got a Biore strip on literally as I'm typing this. Okay, okay. Claire Hathaway 10, near death experience. I was at a college party and someone threw a brick through the window and I moved just to the right in time for it to miss me by a centimeter. Damn, college parties are so insane. How does every house not blow up at a college party but a brick through a window? That's so serious. That isn't like that weird of a thing to happen at a party, I guess.

More crazy shit is a brick through a window? That would scare the shit out of me. I hate it when something happens at a party and everybody has to leave. You're like, oh. Even if it's like the crazy... Somebody gets stabbed, I'm like, pfft, we have to leave? I'm like, we can keep doing this.

Literally half of the house gets taken down by a tractor. I'm like, we still got this half. There's a little breeze. We're still good. Just sleep on this side of the couch. Half of the couch is there. Okay, let's keep going.

Near-death experience, S. Wartman, 32. I fainted and hit my head on a bookshelf in 9th grade and was out for about 10 minutes oh my god people fainting man there's been a couple times where I get up too fast and I almost bite the fucking dust you ever like kind of fainting

while somebody's talking to you I swear to god sometimes when people are talking to me The weirdest shit is going on with me And I'm like they have no idea what just happened to me Actually they probably do My eyes were probably like rolled over And totally white while they were like telling me Something about a movie

I'm just like uh huh In my head the devil's like you will die In five seconds If you don't snap out of it I'm like, uh-huh. In my head, the devil's like, you will die in five seconds if you don't snap out of it. I'm like, okay. What? What happened in Zoolander? I can't remember a time I almost fainted. When did I almost faint?

My sister used to faint like literally nonstop. My sister used to faint 46 times a day. 47. My sister used to faint 46 times a day, 47. My sister used to faint 47 times a day, I swear to God. Just be sitting there watching TV, faints. In the shower, I swear to God, every time my sister took a shower from the ages of like 16 through 28, fainted. I'm like, Jesus Christ. You want to see, at one. I'm like, Jesus Christ.

You want to see, at one point I was like, you must like it or something. Like, damn, take a fucking bath. Faint during a bath. Okay, that'd probably be even worse. I can't remember when I almost fainted.

I always think it's going to happen though. And I just wake up and they're all like, are you okay? And I'm like, damn, what even happened? If I fainted, I definitely would hit my head on like some dumb shit,

like a vent. You ever like not feel okay or something. And you like, you're in a certain spot. You're like for a minute and you look around to make sure like, if you faint that you're not going to hit your head pre faint planning, you're in a certain spot, you're like, for a minute, and you look around to make sure, like, if you faint, that you're not going to hit your head. Pre-faint planning.

You're like, oh, shit, okay, if I faint to the left, I'll be cool. But if I faint any other direction, I'm so dead. All right, on to the requests. Here we go. Yersina Luther. Near-death experience. here we go Yersina Luther near death experience was cantering on a horse in an arena playing a

redneck version of polo what the is this gotta be a dream and the horse tripped and rolled head over heels twice crushing me flew twice and on the third roll I flung myself off

And it's hoof missed my head by an inch Snapped my collarbone in two places Had a major concussion Otherwise fine The horse fox broke his neck though and died It was scary and sad Oh my god Ew man

Dude horses die so easy. Isn't it so weird? Like, a horse breaks its leg and they gotta, like, decapitate it right there during the middle of the race. I'm like, damn. Horses have it kind of hard out here, honestly. Literally using them just to ride on them and bed on them and then we just shoot them dead after they have like an injury they could definitely recover from oh you broke

your toenail gonna have to execute right here in front of 600 000 people jeez feel bad for horses sometimes when i see a what you ever see a wild horse haven't. I don't know why I acted like I did, but maybe I just saw it in a movie. If I ever saw a wild horse, I'd be so happy for it. Go! Go! Get the fuck out of here before they use you to carry carriages around the city of

Indianapolis in 13 degrees. Those horses look so sad. Every time I see one of those horses, I'm like, don't look at it. Make eye contact with a carriage horse I'm like oh shit It's like looking at a homeless guy You're like damn why'd I do that

Horses But she said It's hoof missed my head Snap my collarbone You can only snap your collarbone You can't just like nobody's ever said they broke their collarbone they're like it's just fucking snapped because collarbones are like the size of like a number two pencil everybody's collarbones just getting fucked up all the time like i swear to god anytime anyone goes sledding broke my collarbone yeah no shit that's like the price

you pay for sledding now if you go sledding and you don't break your collarbone you better not go sledding ever again you better retire retire from the sled game every sledding trip well it's always skiing too when people go skiing i'm like which bone you're gonna break which bone you plan on breaking going skiing skiing this weekend. All right. Wear your knee braces. Breaking tibias and shit. Skiing. I'm like, why the fuck did you even go? If I went skiing, I would be in that lodge watching MTV Ridiculousness.

I wouldn't go outside once. We're going on a ski trip. My friends wanted to make me go on a ski trip when I lived with like five dudes. And I just said, I've never been more persistent at saying no in my life. Like you can ask me damn near anything and I'd be like, ah, maybe.

But like, they're like, you want to go skiing? And I was like, no. Are you sure, dude? Don't be a bitch. I'd be like,

no. Please, come on. We need one more to make it like $40 cheaper for everyone. I was like, no, I'll pay you, but I'm not going. No. Come on, man. It's easy. They have like, you don't even have to.

No. You literally don't even have to ski. You can like ride in the inner. No. Well, what did you say? The inner tube? Hmm. No, still no.

I would so do that though. But still no. God. Very, very, very long answers here. I can't read all that on air. City bunny, I love you boy. Okay. Okay. A couple more.

Here we go. Jake Herbert. Near death experience. Choking on a meatball sub. Take small bites, y'all. Dude, yeah. I don't know why. Every time I eat, I eat like it's the first time I've had a bite of food take small bites, y'all. Dude, yeah. I don't know why, every time I eat,

I eat like it's the first time I've had a bite of food in 14 years. I eat like a caveman. People that eat slow, I'm like, How do you eat slow? Are you not starving? God, I guess probably because I eat one meal a day, and when I eat, I'm like, Starving god, I guess probably cuz I eat one meal a day and when I eat I'm like Like would you like more breadsticks I'm like yeah

Like do you need more water I'm like Yes, please Holy shit. Let's go viral. Damn, son. Vi-vi-vi-vi-viral. Vi-vi-vi-vi-viral. I like totals.

All right, hashtag ways to warm up. Ways to warm up ways to warm up I hated I hated this so much like in math class growing up like your teacher would be like let's do our warm up get out your paper right when you sat down I'd be like holy shit already

and it'd be like the hardest question ever on the board this happened in like two of my classes instead of like just getting into the lesson and learning some shit they'd be like warm up come on get out your paper come on warm up i'd be like it's like i had zero clue what the answer was every single warm-up and she would just call on random people like i used to dread going to school because i'd be like fuck the warm, I used to dread going to school because I'd be like, fuck, don't warm up. You ever dread going to school just for, like, one thing like that?

Damn, man. I hated math class my freshman year so goddamn much because my teacher, and it was hard, and I just suck at math. Every single assignment I wrote, I hate you, Miss Phillips, on the bottom of every paper when I turned it in. I was like, yep, take it. I hope you see it bitch ew man i hated that class it was so like robotic and same thing every time so hard

everybody was crammed in there it was hot i sat by like 19 smart girls and they're ew man show your work i was like this is. Show your work! I was like, this is hell. Show your work! I got my homework done in class. I just go to sleep still and I'm like, damn, do I have homework? Like, literally last night I was like, do I have homework? No. Maybe. I'll get it done in the morning.

There's not been more of a productive time in my life than the five minutes I had before first period in high school. Just rummaging through the hallway asking people for shit. Do you have 20 hoots? Do you have that? Do you have that? Always like a vocab assignment. Damn, that five minutes before school started was weird. Everybody's all sweaty and shit.

I keep saying everybody's hot and sweaty because I went to Ron Colley and we didn't have AC till like 2018. For real though. Ways to warm up. My dad told me this is so stupid. My dad told me that he got like one of those passes from Mike's car wash So he can like always just get a car wash. He like pays like a yearly thing and just always gets a car wash He's like I tried to get a car wash every morning and I was like what and he's like Yeah, nothing warms up your car like a car wash and I was like Alright

Crew car wash I Always get a car wash at the wrong time. I Never know the weather Like I don't know how people are like it's supposed to rain tomorrow heavy when people know that I'm like how Who are you some type of genie? No, I just looked at the app I've never I haven't looked at the weather app ever even when I do look at the app and it's like 46 degrees I'm like still don't know what to wear.

Especially this weather right now. It's like hot and cold. It's like 19,000 degrees in the morning, and at night it's like negative three. I'm like, I'm going to have to pack a suitcase for today. I went through that today. I was like, I have no idea what to wear at any point in time today.

I was like I have no idea what to wear at any point in time today Hashtag signs you should quit your job Every minute I'm like gonna get fired gonna get fired gonna get fired getting fired gonna get fired You know if I're gonna get fired every time my boss speaks to me any job. I've ever had I'm like oh Thanks. All right. Yeah, that's, that's where the meeting is. Cool. I hope you didn't see that website I went to on our wifi. When I worked at a corporate job, I was like, who checks the websites we go to? Like you'd think you'd get like a warning going to a website that's not allowed. And it's always urban dictionary. That's not allowed. Like on on an office computer i'm like urban dictionary what the fuck's so bad about this

website i learned everything i literally say off this website you ever have to go to urban dictionary to find something out you feel like such a loser the last i think i looked up like the type of a type of a watch that's in all the rap songs no or it's a gun it's a gun that was in so many songs and i was like what the fuck are they saying it's just like rappers expect us to know what that is you ever think that i'm listening to like a future song and he's like i'm on that yellow tusk i'm on that yellow tusk and i'm on that yellow tusk. And I'm like, what the fuck is he saying? Like, who would ever just, like, pick that up right off the first time they heard it and be like, the yellow tusk. Are you just talking about, like, yellow robituss, robituss, robitussin' or something? I'm off that yellow tusk.

What the fuck, future? Yeah, I can't wait to, hold on. Here we go. I cannot wait. Yeah, I can't wait to- hold on. Here we go. I cannot wait. DJ Eskimo City, the coolest DJ on the motherfucking planet.

Dude. I'm wrong. I got the wrong thing. I pour up Yolotus, I pour up Yolotus. Cause I gotta have it. Like, he really just thought we knew what that was the beginning of the song though like how cool does that dj feel they just shouted out is anyone's voice this cool hold on what if you woke up and you sounded like this

Hold on. What if you woke up and you sounded like this? Like, just normal day. I sound like this. I sound like this. The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave One Media. I go to sleep. I wake up.

I sound like this. I pull up yellow tuss. I pull up yellow tuss. Cause I got a heavy. Alright, I'm going to Urban Dictionary. Cause I don't even know if that's what that is. Yellow Tuss. Like, what a stupid ass name.

Yellow Tuss, dude. Often mistaken by being hydrocodone syrup, Yellow Tuss is actually referring to Tussinex. I don't know, bro. There's so many prescription ass words in this. This is it in a sentence. After I took a swig of the Yellow T test, I was feeling gooder than a motherfucker. Gooder. What a stupid-ass word to put in a hard rap song. Talking about drugs and shit.

Hey, what should we call it? What should we call this shit, man? I pour thought it was like the Robitussin cough drops. I'm like, Mom, is it okay if I take this? She's like, go ahead and do it. And I'm like, okay. Thanks, Mom. Okay Thanks mom It's the DJ drop for me though When I hear this shit right in the middle of a song Nothing gets me more excited

You could tell me I just won three new Maseratis I'd be like dope But when I hear this That shit goes so hard I want that to happen in my everyday life Like I want to be like Yo what's up what's going on I like want to like greet a table

Oh fuck Yo what's up My name's Ben How you guys doing? DJ Eskimo. I'll be helping you guys out today. What's going on? DJ Eskimo City, the coolest DJ on the motherfucking planet. Thank you, Future. You guys want to get started with some appetizers or what? I pour up yellow tusk, I pour up yellow tusk Okay, let's do days

Wednesday National Anthem Day National Anthem Day The National Anthem, bro Go to hell I know it's like trendy to say you don't like the national anthem but i swear to god i've always hated the national anthem i can finally say it now with pride before i used to say i hated the national anthem people would be like are you even american i'd be like i i don't Dude, that's the biggest vibe kill before a game.

Let's go, dude! We got this! Everything's on the line! This is what we've been practicing all year for! Now let's sit here during a song right before we get started. And get kind of sad. And the hum of the brain. Half an hour later.

It's like 19 minutes long. If I was in the Super Bowl, I would throw a fucking tantrum. I'd rip all my clothes off and be like, come on. That's why those, when you see people crying during the national anthem, it's not because they have pride for their country. They're just like, everybody's on camera during the Super Bowl crying from the national anthem they're just going literally insane in their head waiting for Kelly Clarkson to shut the hell up

holy shit all right Thursday National Grammar Day I hate it when people are like, Grammar police! Like, dude, that should happen. People do sound so stupid. There's a difference, though. You know, like, when you see a tweet with bad grammar, I think they strategically made it bad grammar. You know what I mean?

You ever think about that? Sometimes stuff's just funnier when it's not right. You know? Like, when it's too proper, it's just, like, not funny. So sometimes you can, like, tell when it's, like, thought through. But if somebody just, like, fucks around and says it wrong there, it's like, you're dumb, man. I've been having a weird thing where, like, live and live lately. I'm like, I can't tell. I had to read a sentence, like, 400 times because i thought it was live and it was live i was like oh

like how confusing is that though learning english dude if i took an english class i'd be like this is insane this makes no sense all this shit then you're just gonna throw some k's on the front of some words just for the hell of it. Yeah, uh-huh. They feel bad for K. They call it- They feel bad for K. Yeah, just toss it on the front of a couple words. Fuck, we haven't used enough K's.

Throw it on them. Yeah. And make a cereal called K. You know what? Actually, make it called Special K because we feel pretty bad for K. Okay. You know what, actually make it called Special K Because we feel pretty bad for K Okay Even change the spelling to okay And make it just K Because we've got some favors to give

National Pound Cake Day Angel food cake, dude I would throw my face into some angel food cake right now I'd love to get pied I would throw my face into some angel food cake right now. I'd love to get pied. I wish somebody would just come up on the street and just pie me with an angel food cake. I'd be like, thanks. I feel like that's a dessert that was always at my house.

When I was a kid, my mom would be like, don't touch it. And I'd be like, fuck. There's always some dessert at your house your parents are like saving. Or your mom's like saving. It's like you can't do that, dude. I'm a wild animal. And you just got like an angel food cake, ice cream, strawberry thing in the fridge. Like I'm definitely going to open up like the saran wrap a little bit and put my finger on the side.

Just clean it up. I always clean up cake. That's my toxic trait. Cleaning up and evening out cake. There's a cheesecake in my dad's fridge. I've been cleaning that bitch up for the last three weeks. It's got mold on it. I'm like, still got to even her out.

Friday. National Multiple Personality Day. Well, that's every day, baby. I swear to God, I've got 19 personalities. Don't want to talk about it. Who doesn't, though? If you have one personality Get a personality

If you only have one personality Get a life National dress in blue day I look like shit In the color blue Blue and red dude Like royal blue and red I'm like ew what's wrong with me

I feel like a monster If I wear red I look like I'm gonna kill you I'm so red, I'm like, ew, what's wrong with me? I feel like a monster. If I wear red, I look like I'm going to kill you. I'm so red if I wear red. Is he the Kool-Aid guy? National Speech and Debate Education Day. Dude, I took a debate. I had to take a debate class in college and I was like, yo, I don't give a shit. I can't fight with anybody about anything, dude. You think a debate class, a class for fighting? Every time I get in an argument, I'm like...

Alright. Imagine getting in an argument, like liking it too. Like, that's right! Dude, when somebody starts an argument with me, I'm like, see you later. Bye. Not talking to you. So annoying. Yeah, I told you.

I swear, all I've grown up with was just getting in fucking arguments with people. I was like, Jesus, man. I got in so many arguments when I was a kid. I was like, fuck it. Yeah, you're right. You're right. Cannot stand it.

No! That's because I'm... Oh, no! Whatever! That's when you know you lost an argument When the guy's like whatever Classic argument closer line When you know you lost

Whatever Oh shit Saturday National play outside day oh shit Saturday National Play Outside Day I used to play outside by myself and people thought I was extremely psycho I used to throw the football up to myself and catch it and run and like juke fake people out

and like spin and like go to the end zone which was the sidewalk and like do a celebration that I saw on TV. And there'd be like 14 cars at the stop sign. I'd be like, oh. Running myself into the fence and shit. Pretending I was in like a NFL game. I used to do that every single day. Every single day after school, I'd get my homework done and just run around outside.

Sisters never wanted to play, dude. Holy shit. Or if they did want to play, they'd pass it to me like four times and then just like not, they'd like catch it and put the ball down and like start biting their nails and I'd be like, throw it back! They'd be like, I don't want to play. I'd be like,

making somebody play with you and they don't want to play is aggravating, dude. They only want to do like the good stuff, you know? Like you're playing soccer. Me and my sister would play soccer. I'd only be able to be the goalie. I'd be like, fuck. So you just get to score every time. Every time?

All right, fine. Let's play. The ball, fine, let's play. The ball goes over your neighbor's fence, it's always like, holy shit, dude. I've never been in so much FBI mode when the ball goes over my neighbor's fence. I never just walked and gotten it. I feel like it's a sin if they see you. Even when I pull into my neighbor's driveway, I'm like, go we gotta back it up back it up go go no go get out okay we're good that's the craziest shit because if i saw somebody in my backyard i'd be like what

the fuck okay they're just getting the tennis ball we're good so i just imagine they do the same thing when people i've said this before on here for sure but when people used to like cut my yard was on the corner of the neighborhood and there's a school behind it and kids used to cut through it all the time and I'd already be home from school so I'd open like a discreet window on the top floor as they were cutting through the yard and I'd be like get the fuck out of the yard and they just dude they would be so yard and I'd be like, get the fuck out of the yard. And they just, dude, they would be so terrified and they'd run so fucking fast. I did that. They would like their ass was literally on in flames.

They would run. Oh my God. The funniest thing ever. Oh shit. And they honestly would never do it again. But then there'd be like a new group of kids that didn't know that would do it like two years later and be like, I'd look at them through the window, just my head in the window.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. All right. Alright Sunday National Cereal Day Best cereal hands down Is Cinnamon Toast Crunch It is I want it to be Captain Crunch so bad

But there's so much backlash against Captain Crunch Like tearing up your mouth And I'm like But that Oops All Berries Like the packaging goes so hard It can fuck my mouth up for all I care Destroy it You did so well on the blue box

With all the berries on it you can rip all my teeth out every time i see that box i'm like oh how do i not buy it i'm a victim of packaging dude if i'm buying wine you think i'm actually buying it for what it is. Nope. Coolest label. Coolest label gets my money. Those Wildberry Pop-Tarts, dude. I swear to God. I don't even know if I like them, honestly, but I'm buying them. That's it. Cinnamon Toast Crunch, though. I saw they had

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Churro. I don't even know what churros are, really, but the box is so fucking hard. What's here? I don't even know what churros are really, but the box is so fucking hard. What cereal? Oh, you know what's really underwhelming cereal? Reese's Puffs. It is. I know this is like such like elementary ass shit to talk about, but this is what matters.

It does. Reese's Puffs isn't that good. Either is Cookie Crisp, and you guys know it deep down. Reese's Puffs should be be gas and it's not it's like yeah reese's puffs it's not like special really cinnamon toast crunch though dude actually just straight up granola in a bowl holy shit does anything better than that you know those little bags are granola that you can just buy, just that in a bowl with milk. With some fruit in it?

Dude, send me packing, mommy. Bye-bye. All right. Shout 148. That was fun, man. I love these podcasts. I'm so glad. Ah!

I love doing this, dude. Seriously. And I'm so glad you guys listen. I really appreciate this, dude. Seriously. And I'm so glad you guys listen. I really appreciate it, honestly. Like, from my soul. I love it so much. Keep following. Keep subscribing.

Rate it. Review it. Tell people about it, please. Because it's going to be bopping. It's going to be bopping. I promise, dude. I promise. I promise. Swear to God.

Remember to keep following on TikTok, Instagram, Cameo, all that Benedict Polizzi. Love you guys, man. For real. Keep it together. I don't know why I'm talking to you guys like you're leaving on a road trip to go to Utah. But talk to you guys next week. I fam. to Utah, but talk to you guys next week.

I fam.