Espresso - o.g. spress (feat. barstool's Joey Mulinaro)

Episode Date: August 26, 2020

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Oh Shot 112 Shot 112 it's a party Okay, shot 112. I just walked in and shot 112 is actually a party That's it. This is what every girl sounds like when they When they type lol My god, that was so funny. Shot 112.

And we got a special guest, Vintage Spress. Joy's back. We switched seats, baby. Switch seats is a different view. You had the nice view over here. You got to look outside. See outside.

It looks like one of those fake, like when you look at a newscast. I always thought those were real. Like behind a newscast. It's like the city skyline. I'm like, God, I wonder where that really is. Where's that window that they're sitting? What a view. Are we on?

Yeah, we're on. Oh, we've been on. Sorry, I'm trying to get my fucking mic here. I'm forced during it here. It's all good. So what's up, dude? Nothing, man. Crazy, crazy times.

Like what? It's officially summer. I always hated how people would be like, well, it's the first official day of summer on June 21st. I'm like... Dude, summer started June 1. Summer started Cinco de Mayo. Is that the official start?

Yeah, it is. That's a Moulinard schedule. Like midway May. Midway May Moulinard. That's a Moulinard schedule. You got summer starting Cinco de Mayo. Fall starts... Well, fall's pretty on point. Fall starts the Labor Day weekend in my mind.

September, Labor Day weekend, first weekend of college football. There you go. Dude, it felt like college football today. What was the slate today? It was kind of brisk in the morning, and then the sun popped out. Yeah, like a weird cloud coverage as well. Yeah. It's wanting to be fall, but it's still kind of that weird Indian summer.

Yeah. I was feeling like a little Wake Forest, Bowling Green on ESPNU. For some reason, the kickoff was at like 9 a.m. though. That's like what it felt like outside to me. Maybe NFL when they're playing in London. It's like the Jags. I hate that. It's the Jags versus the Cardinals.

And they try so hard to make it a big deal because it's in London and every every song they play going to commercial is uh London I don't really like those games do you the only reason I like him is because it's right when you wake up it's like oh it's football day it's 9 a.m football. And then the 1 o'clock kick in football. You know? I wish that... I wish they just did that in the States. Just wake their ass up early. Just 7 a.m. kick.

That'd be like JV. JV game. You know? For the real games. Like a Saturday or a freshman game on Saturday morning at like 8.30. Dude, why were those so early? I don't know, but can you imagine? JVs, 8 a.m.

Can you imagine rolling up to Lucas Oil or something for a 9 o'clock kick? There'd be like nine people in the crowd. No way, dude. I think that'd be crazy. All the tailgaters would be like, biscuits and gravy! Yeah, they'd start tailgating like the night before. They'd sleep there. They'd bring their motorhomes.

8 p.m. on Saturday night. getting like the night before. They'd sleep there. They'd bring their motorhomes. 8pm on Saturday night. They do buffalo chicken biscuits and gravy. They have inside the biscuits and gravy. That's actually a fire idea. Yeah, I don't think that would be bad. What's up with you, man?

Are you back on stage? Are the stages open? Last night. Last night, there was an open mic at Joker's. Really? How'd that go? Five people there. It was kind of tight, though.

Love Joker's open mic. It was kind of like, it was kind of, it was like, are we going to do it? We only have five people. Usually when there's five people, it's like canceled pretty much. But it was like, let's just go up there and do whatever. Everybody wanted the stage time. Just to like, to feel it out. People were just up there talking.

And when there's five people in the crowd, you can give feedback. If somebody says a joke, you could be like, Keep going! Yeah, exactly. Like, no, do it! So it was just like a workshop then. Kind of, yeah. It was like a comedy workshop.

It was good to get up there again, though. Right. Did it feel weird? Did you forget how to do it? Kind of. Since I've been doing this, I was used to it. That was good to get up there again, though. Right. Did it feel weird? Did you forget how to do it? Kind of, because since I've been doing this, I was, like, used to it. That's good. Yeah. But I don't know how the other people did it.

I was nervous as hell. Yeah. But in front of, like, five people who cares, you know what I mean? Stand-up comedy is nerve-wracking, bro. There were two girl bartenders, though, and I was like... You're on an island, you know? It's sink or swim, baby. So let's cut to the chase here, here man What's going on with the cats?

They're perfect as always We just got them Perfect We just got them a little Heated blanket We spoil our cats What? Yeah

It was at this Heated blanket? Home goods store yesterday For cats? It was you know Marshalls Marshalls and home goodss are like sisters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're tied together.

They're like conjoined. The one in Greenwood by the mall. I just drove by that. And it was not that expensive, and so we snagged it for them. It's laying out there. I don't really know if they like it too much. Remy's more experimental. He'll kind of hop into anything without any regard,

but Ruby's kind of like, what do we got going on here on here i feel that you know ruby gives me that vibe so they're doing well though man ruby's my gf there i know they're good they're good uh no real update on them you see them you see them enough yeah i know i know i just want to let the people know you know yeah that's true it has been a while for the people dude people people the people know you know yeah that's true it has been a while for the people dude people people the people i got this shout out on instagram and this girl was like hey uh you should do a segment about myths your parents told you growing up like whether they're real or not so we're talking like the classic don't sit too close to the TV, your eyes will get crossed. Literally number one.

Yeah. You got any crazy ones your dad said or anything? He claimed when I was in middle school that if I drank, the more soda I drank, the worse acne I'd have. Is that a thing with chocolate? Some people won't eat chocolate because they're like, I don't want to get zits. I don't know, but I took it for fact kind of back then

because I was like, I guess that makes sense. Soda doesn't really do anything. It doesn't do anything good for you at all. And I could see it like having some weird you know like the sugar i don't know i was just like okay i'll buy that but i i really don't think that's true no i've never heard of the soda one he might have twisted that up and just to make you not drink i know that's what you know later on i'm like oh he just didn't want me to drink soda he knew when i was in middle school very self-conscious puberty you know, later on I'm like, oh, he just didn't want me to drink soda. He knew when I was in middle school, very self-conscious, puberty, you know, oh, acne,

the more soda you drink. I don't know if that would stop me. Like everybody has acne. Right, but when you got like a big old white head on the tip of your nose and like your forehead is just like a freaking mountain in there, you got to figure something out. I had a bad one for like a week. It just wasn't going. And one of those zits, it's just a bully, bro.

Dude, those ones that are right's just a bully, bro. Dude, those ones that are right in the center of your eyebrows. Just a 270 pound nose guard just on my forehead. Just not moving. Yeah. Like just disrupting. Just a loadie not to. All right. Looking inside the microwave while it's running will deform your future kids.

All right, looking inside the microwave while it's running will deform your future kids. Not looking in there, but they advise pregnant women not to be close to microwaves or ovens and they're on because of radiation and stuff. Yeah, but they're just on their phones all day. That's true. But my dad, he's still big about that. He's like, if I have my phone on my thigh or my lap or anything, he's like, get that off there. Really? Radiation.

You want to not be able to have kids? Dude, your dad. And I'm like, okay, well. You want to take a look at cancer? I'm like, no. From your phone being right there? Yeah. Well, your phone's always in your pocket, right?

So it's kind of like. And I'm like, dad, there's 24 hours of the day. You are talking on your phone for at least 19 of them. I mean, you're going to get brain cancer. Like what? The microwave is a weird thing though. Like when I microwave food, sometimes I'm like, that was only 15 seconds and it takes the oven 25 minutes.

There's no way. Yeah. I guess what's going on. I do Yeah. I guess, what's going on? I do try, I mean, it's fair. I do try to not stand in front of it at all. Or like, buy it. I try to get away from it because in my subconscious, I guess, I just have like a...

I mean, it sounds like it's a nuclear device. Microwave. It doesn't make any sense. And it moves in slow motion, too. I think it's just because you're actually, like, the seconds are real there. Whereas in our head, you know, five seconds is like one, two, three, four, five. And then it's really like a full rotation. Way longer than you think.

Dude, if you put something in the microwave for a minute and a half, this has happened to me multiple times recently at my place. I'll put it for a minute and a half. I'll, like, go to the bathroom, check something on my phone, go take the trash out. And I'm like, there's still 10 seconds on this thing. What?

This is insane. Yeah. What was your Mississippi when you play, uh, pick up football? Was it 10? Is that the universal 10 Mississippi? 10 Mississippi.

Dude, I do. Honestly, we, we like to blitz like when we played out there. So we just did five Apple. Wow. So you had to be, I to be why is it apples in mississippi dude like oh what are we playing five apple if you never played like backyard football before you'd be like what the couldn't it be like something that coincided

you know like oranges in florida you know what Apples. I guess just because it's like Mississippi. One Mississippi. That said out loud is supposed to be a full second. Yeah. Apple, though. Where did that come from? Did you ever play with it? Oh, yeah.

Apple's like a, yeah. One apple, two apple, three apple. Doesn't make any sense. Yeah, you would think they'd pick a longer fruit, though. Maybe a strawberry. One strawberry, two strawberry, three. That's closer to five, though. I mean, you had to have, like, freaking Russell Wilson back there.

Dude, and I would count one, two, three, four. Oh, yeah. It was literally two seconds. Quarterback would get so pissed. But that was so fun, though. And he dodged a guy at the line of scrimmage. Oh, and when they blitz, he can run. So that's why we did that. Right.

If you pee in a pool, there's a special dye that will turn it red so everybody knows. Can you imagine? Big summertime. You always want to test it, but it was very it was very risky. Because you're like, is it full on? Like a full pool of piss?

Or is it just like if I give a little drop or two? Every drop is die. What if you did that and didn't tell anybody? Like at a pool party for people our age. You just got rid of it? Like you just got away with it? No, and you just, like, you know people do that all the time. No way people piss in pools like that.

I think so, man. People are weird. No way, dude. I swear. I swear to God. You know there's some weird ass girls and stuff. Maybe in a public, like, big pool that has, like, little shit of kids. That's what I'm saying, like, apartment downtown, like, pool party.

Like, somebody's going to get drunk and piss in the pool. Like, our age, for sure. You know? Are we talking, like, intentionally, like, oh, like, hey, I'm pissing in the pool. Or just, like, there's, like, fucking. No, it's just, like, doing it. Just doing it. Like, I don't want to go, bro. I don't want to go to the bathroom. I'm just pissed in the pool. just like there's like doing it just doing it like i don't want to go i don't want to go to the bathroom i'm just pissed in the pool see that is a big thing

though like if they if you have a pool you gotta have a some sort of restroom outside i don't care if it's a shack that just has like a trash bag in there give me something to where i don't have to dry off go inside walk upstairsettest shorts of all time. Try to find it. That's why it's going to happen. My mom gets so pissed about that in my folks pool. Like, you can't pee outside even when it's in the corner. People are going to see.

I'm like, 15 seconds? This is just out here in the freedom in the open. I'm not going all the way inside and drying off. As a guy peeing outside, though, best feeling of all time. Again, exactly, and they don't understand that. But I'm like, you got big bushes there. And then, because here's the deal, man, is that you're going to have to, the drying off process, because nobody wants you to go in there when you're,

even if you're a little bit wet, nobody wants you to go into their house when you're a little bit wet. So then if you really have to pee, because you're not going to get out of the pool and take time to dry off slowly and completely to prepare for a pee. All of a sudden it's like, man, I really got to piss. And then you don't want to get out and try to wait there and dry off completely because you got to pee so bad. That's a mandatory thing for me.

Give me something outside of the pool that I can just excuse myself. Getting out of the pool, though, on the side rail? Nobody does it. Even if you're you, you don't look good doing it. The most avalanche of water ever coming off your ass. And you're like a turtle. I worked out for three years for this pool party. Dude, yeah.

I got to go to the bathroom real quick. You got plumber ass. The water's holding down your shorts. It's pulling out, like you said, like the water's going overflowing. You look hunched over like you automatically have like hot dog guy tits. Dude, hot dog tits. Just use the stairs, man. Why does he have cone boobs?

His ass looks like a secretary's. I don't know. It works out a lot. It's weird. Side of the pool. Eating carrots will give you night vision. What? Or like good vision.

Did you ever hear that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I always thought about that. Okay. Yeah, and you eat a couple of carrots, I guess it isn't worth it. Yeah. At one point I was like, I'm eating a lot more carrots than everybody else, but. I'll just, you know.

I need to go to the eye doctor. I'm serious, man. I'll never forget when I figured out my eyes were messed up. My teacher wrote me a note in fourth grade. She was like slitting on my desk. And she's like, give this to your mom. And I read it. And it was like, I think Ben's eyes are bad.

He keeps squinting from the back row. I was like, I need glasses. That's what it could have said. You couldn't see very well. I know, but I just didn't want glasses. Then I got's what it could have said. You couldn't see very well. I know, but I just didn't want glasses. Then I got contacts in fifth grade. That was such a weird transition of like growing up your entire life, glasses were universal for dork.

And then all of a sudden about 2009, it was like if you don't have glasses, you're a dork. Oh, yeah, true. Everybody wanted to have glasses. It was like an in thing that was like being either nerdy or like made you look so smart and sophisticated you know what i mean it's such a different look people that don't have glasses i'm like why yeah i literally showed up to school one day and like you know six different dudes had glasses like what the hell's

going on and everybody's like oh you don't know no glasses are hot now you know it's sexy our whole life you're the biggest dork. Knocked the books out of your hand of all time if you had glasses. You made fun of me for this. Now you want to bang me? Yeah. All right. Well, I'm going to eyeglass world after school.

What's up, four eyes? Yeah. How the hell does that happen? Nice frames. Tough to keep up. Dude, if you swallow your gum, it'll stay in your stomach for seven years. I believe it still. Why was that?

I was just picturing a bunch of juicy fruit attached to my ribs and stuff. Right, yeah. If you get an x-ray or something. Son, what do we have here? Been eating some double mint. Because it's like, what is gum? Where's it go? It makes sense that not even stomach acids would be able to break that down.

Because what is it? It's just sticky mush. When I see gum on the sidewalk and there's a bunch of ants on it, I'm like, good luck, guys. Death trap. You guys are going to have some strong ass jaws. Hey, talk about another weird transition, though. Like how sexy a piece of gum looks when it's fresh out of the wrapper. And then you chew it three times, you take it out, it's like.

People go, what the hell is that? People put it under restaurant tables. Like how lazy? Have you ever done that? No. You're like, no. Dude, it shocks me when I look under a table and there's so much gum. I look for reasons to get up and walk around.

Why wouldn't you be like... I think that's just one of those things that just... You know, like inexplicable things in the world just are there that nobody... You know what I mean? It's just like, yeah, that's how it's supposed to be. You know? Like that gum underneath a table is just one of those things. Yeah.

It's just the way it is. Yeah. But when you take gum out of a package and unfold it, how do you put it in your mouth? Are we talking stick of gum? Stick. OG stick. Yeah, I put it in and then I kind of bend the rest of it.

Like if you don't bend it, are you even hot? It's not a Kit Kat. Dude, and if you just lay it on your tongue, psycho. Yeah, the bite thing. I have seen that. You gotta put it a little bit and then keep pushing.

Bend it over the top. See, I go, no, I don't go over the top. I push up and I get the under. Oh, yeah, yeah. See, I go, no, no, I don't go over the top. Hold on, I don't go over it. I push up and I get the under. Oh, so you like, it bends in the back. Mm-hmm. So it like. Oh, no, no, I feel you, I feel you. It's like getting out of the pool.

So what's it been like going solo, though? Crazy. Solo, dolo. The first one was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I felt like I was at, like, bombing at a bar in, like, Noblesville or something. It helps with stand-up, for sure. That's the fun part of doing a show by yourself, is just when the light bulb goes off,

that you don't have to please anybody at that given time. It always takes like two minutes to like, or not two minutes, probably like 20 minutes to like warm up. Sure. And it's crazy thinking about how, I don't know, like when I was in college, you need a radio talk here, but like that was said, like picture, like picture, create a character that you're talking to in your head. Sometimes they would even like make us like create this person and like picture create a character that you're talking to in your head sometimes they would even like make us like create this person and like print out a picture and like put it on

the computer in the studio with us so it was like you're talking directly to that person other than because you know if you open the mic and you think about oh well you know 1500 people are listening to me then all of a sudden it becomes a homily you know it becomes like a a damn that's how that was the first one i i did yeah but then if you like have just a person like we're talking right now then we're just talking and then everybody else is listening afterwards who's the person you put on the computer dude i was such a little dick to my radio professor i like the jordan meme was hot at the time and so i like the crying jordan one it's like printing out the crying jordan meme meme face. I don't know. Yeah.

I thought it would be like Sammy Sosa. Being an asshole. No. It was Anthony Rizzo. Ben Roethlisberger. It was Darth Vader. But it does help. It does.

Yeah, it's been cool. That's good. This is so funny, though being like on the other do you feel how i feel sometimes of kind of like you're running the you're running the ship back there so it's like the captain over here yeah when you're just over here on the other side just fucking around you can be captain fucky while sarge back there has to take care of it yeah but you can play music and shit back here that was so cool yeah i do miss that part and That was fun. That was like the most fun on our shows

is just when we get on those tangents about that. Are we going to do that cool for the summer music video? Man, I've been waiting. It's officially summer now. What are we going to even do? Are we trying to storm on here right now? Yeah, we have to do it all out. We've done a music video before.

We have to try to probably get like a classroom of some sort, you know, to be able to give it the official, like we were talking about in that bit, the janitor and the principal with the tie on the head. Have a good one. Danny, Danny. That song's such a banger, though, man. Straight heat. I've been on those guilty pleasure joints.

I sent you like four last night. Oh yeah, I saw that. I rolled over in the middle and I've been going to bed early as shit recently. It's been nice. Like 9.15. What? Yeah. What time do you get up?

Well, I was up late. You get up at like 4 a.m.? Dylan and a few of our buddies were in town on Saturday, so I was up just late as shit. It was just super stupid late. Like a couple weeks ago, we were karaoke-ing and shit, playing Johnson. We were playing Blitz.

Just like up for no reason. So I was up super late going into Sunday, and so then Sunday night, I was like, and it was Father's Day, so the whole day. And then by the time it was like and it was Father's Day so you know the whole day and then by the time it was like 830 I was just out

so so it's routine now what'd you do on Father's Day man I was we were all that's funny we basically just

talked about your dad yeah my pops we it was what did we do god two days ago I can't even freaking remember I we, it was, what did we do? God, two days ago, I can't even freaking remember. I hate when people ask me, they're like, what'd you do on Friday? I'm like, let me backtrack everything I've been thinking about

for the past, we had a double dip, you know. Father's Day to me is not really, it's not shit. And dads don't, it's not like Mother's Day where you gotta like, dads are like, eh. Right? There's not a dad that's like, where's my, like Mother's Day where you gotta like, dads are like, eh. Right? There's not a dad that's like, where's my, like, you're not going to come over?

And they like, don't even want to do it. You know? Dude, I went to my dad's house, walked up the stairs. I was like, what's up? Happy Father's Day. And he was like, yeah. You know? I was like, you want to do something?

And he's like, what are you going to do? And I was like, all right, see ya. I went downstairs, didn't look at him for the rest of the day. I was there for seven more hours. What are you going to do? What are you going to do that we haven't done already? I was like, all right, see ya. I went downstairs, didn't look at him for the rest of the day. I was there for seven more hours. What are you going to do? What are you going to do that we haven't done already? I was like, all right, yeah. No.

Damn, what did we do? Okay, so it was typical Father's Day, the most Father's Day. You argue about where you're going to eat for about 45 minutes. One of the places he wants to go to. He's trying to make everybody happy, even though it's his day. That's so bad. And then one of the places that he wants to go to you know he's trying to make everybody happy even though it's his day that's so you know and then one of the places that he wanted to go that's what i'm getting to the first place that he really wanted to go to he uh for some reason couldn't think of it and he said uh the uh is it wing in the the wing stop you know the wing stop it's just it's just wing stop. But they didn't have the sauce that he likes anymore.

So that was axed. And then he got on a train for about 15, 20 minutes of just being like, you know, whatever you guys want. You know, I just, hey, I just, whatever you guys want. I'm glad you guys are here. Whatever you guys want. It's your day, dad. Hey, whatever you guys want.

And my mom starts getting shitty. You know, that's always the backlash. Whenever we don't pick a place within the first 10 minutes, then all of a sudden she's like peanut butter and jelly. Oh, and sometimes you just roll with it. You're like, fine, I'm good with that. Whatever, you know, but then eventually we landed on a spot and then, yeah, they were just chilling.

And then we went and saw Rye Stepdad. Like I was saying, Father's Day, those kind of days are not double dip days. No, that's like Christmas for sure. Christmas and Thanksgiving, you double dip. That's it, Thanksgiving. Ideally, not even Thanksgiving. No. Christmas is like the only real like, all right, we got to have structure here.

There's a lot going on. Like Father's Day? Jeez, you know. It's a wash. Love Rye's stepdad, love her dad, but she has two dads technically because of the stepdad and the dad. So then all of a sudden it's like, well, you know. They're triple dipping.

Yeah. We're going to do a fucking brunch, lunch and dinner here. But we ended up not seeing her dad, but it was all good. But I mean, double, just I can't with those kind of holidays with a double dip. It's a lot of work. You stay. You just got to stay. You got to have a fit for that too.

Like you got to be ready. And those are the, those are the holidays that like you're always out partying, hanging with people the night before and so you're hungover. Christmas, you know, sure you might drink, have some wine or something with the family, but you're right. Yeah, it's like you got a presentation the next day. You're going to bed and you're getting up early. You're prepared

mentally for that next day. You don't want to get up and double dip, run across town all day on Father's Day. It's hot. You're hungover. It's just a nightmare. Summer in the car, man. Why am I even wearing clothes anymore in the car?

The back bottom of my shirt. Oh, man. What's the point? Just a pond. Do you always just have to drive like this? You always throw it out there? Driving in the summer with a dress shirt on? Driving with dress clothes on.

Kill me. Can I just mail them to you and when I get there I'll change? We start that? Overnight Express. That would be a bad idea. So, yeah. so uh yeah so is joker's the only one though that's going or is it yeah right now that's the only one it's probably like illegal have you liked not i feel like i feel like you've i feel like it's been

good for you to not have i think it's been good for all comedians it's been out it's been good for you to not have i think it's been good for all comedians it's been out it's been unbelievable to not have to always go you know because prior to this you know every night you were hitting somewhere all the time you know selfishly it's been i'm like okay this is cool we can actually you know chill a little bit oh you know we can do that kind of stuff also while also still you know doing videos and everything yeah it's been strictly videos which has been cool it's been like the dude the whole lockdown we were pretty much hanging out the whole time yeah i don't know if that's okay or not but i mean we had our time where it was like you know in march when it was like serious like okay you know but then after a week we're like work from home guys. Man. I mean, if you're not out in a shit ton of people, it should be all right.

I don't know. I wrote a blog about this today. The responding to reactions, like text reactions. Oh, I just saw that. What are your thoughts? I really like text reactions oh i just saw that what are your thoughts i really like text reactions but in your mind and you do because you you send them often in your mind when you send a reaction to a text or or you react to the text would be the proper use of the phrase are you okay with getting a response back is that technically a response for you?

Does that break the order of response? Their response, your response, their response, your response. If I hit like a thumbs up on somebody and they respond back, I feel bad. I'm like, damn. They really want to talk. Yeah. But if that's just the end of the conversation i don't feel bad but uh a lot like a haha oh yeah or emphasis i guess it just it depends on what reaction you pick because a

haha is like inviting to like if somebody haha'd me on something i said i'd probably hit him back after that with like a real text even if it was a girl if a girl haha'd one of my i might just end it there on a girl like i don't want to go too far yeah i don't want to ruin this this haha for you right yeah because i the way i kind of why i kind of broke it down the blog is to me if it's like a newer thing you're trying to court somebody in that situation if a haha reaction comes about to me that kind of screams equivalent of like oh haha cool if that text came across like early relationship if that text came across you wouldn't want to look at your phone again the rest of the day oh like if you got hit if instead of them reacting with a haha to your text if they

actually responded like oh haha nice bye you're not responding to that so you're not going to respond to the haha reaction i'll never see you again yeah but if it's just like me and you we can just react like if somebody you know you can just yeah because typically and like i said as well typically you know you'll emphasize the text i send you or you'll laugh at it and then that's kind of like holding me over until you send something back uh now you kind of haha so i get that instant i'm like oh nice he likes it and then you'll come back with something else yeah so then I know we keep going that's pretty typical with buddies I feel like uh-huh you know obviously being married I don't have too many of these instances where I'm you know what I mean where I'm worried obviously I don't when I'm

texting a female besides Riley dude I think girls use it on like special occasions. Yeah. Like if you say something like very meaningful, which we never know when we do shit like that. And then you like, you're going to keep texting and keep texting. They might like, like love it. And you're like, wow. Like I've never seen her do that before. Yeah.

Like, and guys don't, guys don't hold them back like that. Guys will just free fire. See, reactions are much more popular in group messages. Oh, see, I think they're made for that. They're lifesavers in group messages, and I understand those, but. Like when somebody says happy birthday, you just exclamation point it. You're like, you don't need 45 happy birthdays from the same group. point it you're like you don't need 45 happy birthdays from the same group but then it's like if you're gonna send a happy birthday text just send it individually you know if we're going that far yeah you don't you don't send happy birthday text in a group

dude i'm in a group chat with like 30 people been like that for like four or five years every time happy birthday seven more yeah to me a happy birthday if you're gonna if you're willing to text this person a happy birthday even if it's in a group chat just do it individually yeah you know if that's the case and just tweet at them or write on their Facebook wall. Happy birthday text from somebody out of the blue is like, huh. Yeah. It's like, damn, I got to not really got to remember their birthday, you know? But then all of a sudden it gets into like this weird, you just, your birthday buddies. You don't ever talk besides your birthdays.

That is so weird. So it's like, what are we doing here? Can we at least mix in, I don't mix in an occasional beer or two in between? I was like that with Joe Finnelli for so long. What is that? I was like, I don't know. Everybody has one. Chase Steinbrenner.

I don't ever see him. I don't ever talk to him besides our birthdays. And I know Finnelli's birthday because it's October 2nd. I'm like, that's a hard month and a hard number. You're an October baby. Number two. My connection with Chase, both Sammy Sosa fans. Both Cubs

fans. It's like this weird Cubs birthday thing that we got going on. It is weird. After a while, you're like, wait, are we? I just stopped after like three years. I was like, it was getting kind of weird. But then you know when you stopped, he was kind of waiting for the Ben birthday text.

I don't think he got me back the last month. Like, happy birthday. I don't think I got anything back. So I was like, forget it. Okay. That's when you just make the transition to Twitter or Facebook. Twitter birthdays are weird. Don't wish me a happy birthday on Twitter.

Dude, one year everybody was doing it to me and i was retweeting them i feel like such an idiot still retweeting happy birthday retweet just clogging people's timelines with my birthday so so so selfish so but it's your day instagram story birthdays Damn Those are rough What about girls just making like huddle highlight reels For their friends You know like damn how much do they care And how long does that take you

Like to get every video On your phone of you and that one girl And put it together in 60 seconds On a weird app with like a song in the background And like a weird app watermark down there. Mojo. Yeah. Mojo Jojo.

Like, damn, so special, and you don't even like her. Got to put this together for her birthday, because if she doesn't, she's going to freak out. That's the only reason. It's exhausting, man. And then at what point in our lives is this generation, is all that just going to stop? Just like birthday stories?

Just birthday wishes. Birthday wishes on social media. I don't think it ever is. I want to get to the point where unless you're calling me on my birthday, I don't even, nobody would know. Calling a birthday. I don't know how I nobody would know calling a birthday I don't know how I'd react to that

that's true calling a birthday that's tough text maybe just text individual texts cause we call our

I call my parents on their birthdays yeah that's like the only time I ever call them but birthday calls are weird what else do you talk about this is a

what you been doing yeah this is a summation of a birthday phone call. Well, you know. Hello? Hey, Dad, happy birthday. Weird pause. Thanks.

Thanks, kiddo. So what's going on today? Yeah, they immediately changed it. You know, I'm going to be working on this. Did you get anything good? Ah, you know. Okay. You guys going out to dinner?

Yeah, I think we might go. You know, your mother and I might go to Texas Roadhouse or something. I don't know. But who knows? Who knows? Might end up eating here like normal. Then there's a bunch of just, I'm like, okay, yeah. But yeah, okay.

But anyways, yeah. Birthday calls with grandparents? Whoa. I was always like, do I have to? Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's like minute 15. And the minute 15 feels like at least five minutes.

You got to be so on your game with your grandma. You got to be prepared to come up with different questions. Mm-hmm. So what about you? What have you been doing? Enough about me. Grandpa keeping you busy? Oh, yeah, you know.

Yeah, so maybe not birthday calls. Maybe it's birthday text. With a reaction. Dude, are you trying to go viral? Yeah. You got to get out of here? You got a call or something? Yeah, I'm waiting on the call, but it's with the big boss, so who knows?

Who knows if it'll ever come? All right, hashtag my cartoon character is. Like, if you could pick a cartoon character, or if a cartoon character that you grew up watching and stuff, who do you? Immediately two would come to mind. Hey Arnold and Freddy from Scooby-Doo. Dude, you are Hey Arnold. Yeah, and Freddy from Scooby-Doo.

Just the blonde, you know, light-skinned white guy with the blonde hair. Somehow I haven't gone as Harry Potter. Or Harry Potter. Somehow I haven't. Quick shift there. Somehow I haven't gone as Hey Arnold for. That's what it was. It was the H's at the start.

I haven't gone as Hey Arnold for Halloween somehow yet. You kind of, I mean, now you can though. If you get like some serious like like like the gel just poke it out some serious spiky ass joe yeah that wouldn't be a bad one but then you know rye will want to go with something i'll be hell that fuck you can't be hell yeah you're not blonde in terms of like who i would be like transit like if you know parallel universe probably those two but favorite cartoon characters it's gotta be somebody from family guy i mean you know peter griffin stewie these guys are good characters i think if i had to pick one

dude i don't know why but i like like Max from Goofy Movie. Really? Yeah, I could see that. Yeah. Max is cool. He's cool. He's just trying to impress what's-her-name. What's-her-name? I don't know.

Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Roxanne. Yeah, I think that is. I think it is. I think you landed it. Yeah, she was bad.

Yeah. She was a fine-ass dog. She doesn't get enough credit in the hot cartoon world. In the hot girl cartoon crushes. I like Daffy Duck, too. Daffy. I always get him and Donald mixed up. Donald, Donald, maybe. Wait, who the hell's Daffy?

No, Donald's. Who's Daffy Duck? Donald is Disney. Daffy Duck is the black duck On Space Jam He's always saying the wildest shit Donald's the one that's Talks like that I can't do it

Everybody had an uncle that could weirdly do Dude yes oh my god Everybody had one of those And they were so nasty with it Best impression ever unreal and it made me laugh every single time until i was like 14 i was like kind of getting a little weird even with the yeah family get-togethers are weird if you really think about it i would say but then daffy with the you know the lisp whereas donald was just like

he always did something that was so funny but he kind of looked like a priest, too. Always got me. He had like a little white thing. It was just his skin. It was just his... It was like Ruby. It was like Ruby. It was like his...

Yeah, his tie. Yeah. But Donald was always dressed in that stupid-ass sailor outfit. I was like, why are you still dressed... Why are you dressed like a baby? Yeah, why are you dressed like your mom's taking you to Easter? Baby's first Easter, he's Donald Duck. He did look like a little Halloween sailor. And you didn't have pants on. I was like, I kind of respect it, but- I swear he had a diaper on. Yeah. We got to check on the front. There's a little

orange pin or button there. I swear he had a pin. Hold on, man. I'm sorry. I got to check on the front. There's a little orange, like, you know, pin or, like, button there. I swear he had a pin. Hold on, man. I'm sorry. I've got to tweet that. I think that might be tweet worthy. Oh, the uncle thing? Yeah. Oh, that's fire.

Yeah. Daffy or Donald Duck. What? I can't believe there are two ducks like that. That's so close. Yeah, dude. Donald Duck wore a diaper. I like that.

So close. Yeah, dude. Donald Duck wore a diaper. Bye, bye, bye. Keep going. You Johnny Bravo at all? Oh, yeah. See, I always felt bad for Johnny Bravo.

You? Why'd you feel bad for him? I don't know. Like, he's always just, like, it seemed like he was really, like, putting in some serious effort. And girls would just, like, literally smack his ass around on the sidewalk. Like, pfft, pfft, pfft. Remember, wasn't he always getting his ass beat or, like, falling off a mountain or something? Like, he thought he was really cool and hot, but, like, everybody just made fun of him all the time. Yeah.

I was always like, I like watching Johnny Bravo. It's kind of depressing, though. He was kind of the Elvis guy, right? He would be like, oh, look at that. What was his phrase? I don't know. I swear he had like a phrase that he was known for. He's a simple, yeah, but then if you go as him for Halloween.

Hey, baby. That was such a bad impression. If you go for him as Halloween, then people are like, are you from Greece? Or... Yeah. The Outsiders?

I'm trying to look something up. That was always like a weird wild card show. Johnny Bravo. One, two, three, go! Play that. Plastic and looks weird. Are you hearing that? I just piped in the Johnny Bravo.

I don't know if you heard that. Oh, shit. Throw them on. There we go. What'd you say, though? What do you mean? What'd you say for the last 10 seconds? While I was playing this Johnny Bravo song. I said if you get...

You can't really be Johnny Bravo either because you have to get some weird plastic Johnny Bravo wig or hairpiece and it just would never look like it did on the box or the bag that it came in. Yeah. One, two, three. Baby.

It makes me kind of hate him that he was Elvis. Stubborn. Stubborn. Baby. Check the pants. Man,unned me. Baby. Check the place. Oh, man, I'm pretty. Yeah. Do the monkey with me.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, girls would always kick his ass. What the... What kind of show? Pretty by the eye. There's so many little shows like that that I like That would just come on randomly Like Dexter's Lab Like if you caught that

Yeah Like you never knew when it was on But it would just come on You'd be like Did you eat it? Parenting horror story Hashtag parenting horror story I took this as like

Something embarrassing that happened to you or something that just that your parents caught you doing or just like you didn't anticipate them like catching you doing when you're a kid you have anything like that weird thing they caught me doing as a kid dude when i a kid, we had the type of computer, like that program where you could like have your own desktop. Like there'd be like a login page and you'd have like three little boxes there and it'd be like your sister. Everybody have their weird little icon.

Mom, yeah. It'd be like a flower, sunflower, something like that. Dad, definitely a football. Hot, hot, hot. And the password. Of course. Football one Time to update it

Football two That'll do We never did the like Separate thing For separate people We just had one And it was like And we just clicked that

Every time And just went into it And I left My email up one time Like my SBC global Email Like I don't know

What our thing was then And then And my mom went through All my emails Oh who were you emailing my SBC global email. Like, I don't know what our thing was then. And then, uh, and my mom went through all my emails. Oh, who were you emailing? A girlfriend in eighth grade. Chicks.

A girl that broke my heart in eighth grade, but it was like the worst romantic talk of all time. Oh God. You doing romantic talk. That kind of had some game though in eighth grade. What was your go-to? What did you call her? Baby?

You called her boo, didn't you? Yeah, I was a boo guy. Really? I was boo. I'm not cool enough to do boo. I can't pull it off. It sounds weird and white and lame. What's up, boo?

Yeah. What do you say? Call Riley, you know, the normal babe. Baby. We call each other weird shit. Yeah, that's how it gets. Like nugget and like bean and. Yeah, dude, I was a boo guy.

I don't know. I never really. I thought I always thought it was kind of cringy because like waitresses at weird diners would call you like honey and shit. So I'd be like, I don't know if I want to call anybody. I actually like that. That's how I remember hardcore that I'm married is when I drop a honey or when she drops a honey on me. Whoa. It's like, oh my God, I am.

This is wild. But my mom printed the email off and highlighted all the inappropriate stuff I said. That wasn't really gross and inappropriate, but it was like eighth stuff. I said, that wasn't really like gross and inappropriate, but it was like eighth grade, like eighth grade inappropriate. And she put it back in there. Like, probably talking about like making out under bleachers.

Oh God. Like in the woods, you know, like during like Friday football game. Yeah. Oh yeah. So like that. So then my mom was like,

okay, that's, that's why he always wants to go to these games on Fridays. So she like highlighted all that stuff and like put it on the computer desk. And like, I came home from school and she was in like, she was in like a weird mood. Like,

you know, when she, you're like, you're in trouble. You're like, what? Oh yeah. Like,

I really thought I covered all my bases coming home on a Friday. Like with that vibe. Yeah. Like Thursday night. Like, I really thought I covered all my bases. Coming home on a Friday? Like, with that vibe? Yeah. Like, Thursday night, like, hey, boo, this is what's going down tomorrow. Email. Yeah, for sure. An email, though. Why not?

Yeah, I am. How sexy. Like, you didn't want to. Dude, I have no idea. Maybe she wasn't logged on. So, yeah, dude. So, I just hit her on the. Right.

Just to see. Forget. Just hit her on hotmail.com yeah dude but my mom like set him out and she's like this is not what we do this is not this is not what if she hit me with this she was like what if grandma saw these i was like dude can someone just have a grandma which is down to clown once so mymas always have to be in the army? In like the most holier than thou. Literally St. Mary Teresa.

Yeah, my grandma's not Mary. Like, I don't know. She'd probably be like, oh, well, you know, let's pray about it or something. But damn, like, you're right. Okay, in the locker room room everybody needs to act like your grandmother's in there okay i'm not gonna clean this whole place up what do you want to do put me a dust you put some toffee candies out in the middle of it or something i mean jesus my grandma's in here there better be some m M&M's somewhere. Some cream savers? Ooh, damn.

Does your grandma have like a candy tray? Does every grandma have that? Maybe not. They did when I was younger, but I feel like that's kind of grown out of grandmas. At least my grandmas. My grandma had like a turntable with like four different sections. It was like caramels, peanut M&M's, which I... Cream savers sometimes, and then like chocolate covered raisins

that's a hype collection there dude like four for four yeah usually that's what they're known for is like shitty ass

like toothpaste kind of candy I agree with you kind of had some swag you got a nightmare sweet tooth yeah I mean it's typical stuff

like that like you know search histories or like you know of course they knew how to go through my um you know like my myspace messages or something like that you know i mean like you think that you oh yeah like if i'm logged off they can't do it but somehow they know like they know the password probably because i would use like their fucking email to get all the login info in there you know like just a dumb kid um no i mean i feel like every guy has like a typical that kind of stuff probably every girl too you know yeah just get caught caught slipping yeah first time caught slipping with you know people

flirty slip ups yeah yeah yeah that's a weird thing for parents to see, I'm sure. But, I mean, at the same time. Imagine seeing your kid, that weird email or weird MySpace message. Like, dude, that's your game? You need to watch a couple movies, bro. I think about that sometimes. But then I'm like, yeah, I mean, it's kind of the process. Everybody's learning.

Everybody's learning a little bit. But kids have it so easy nowadays. That'll never happen with our kids. Because they can just DM? I mean, it's all right here. We had to get on our parents. It was suicide. It was social suicide that we were doing.

We had to use our parents' computers and most likely their emails to be able to talk to girls online. I was emailing a girl that I liked through my mom's email at one point because I didn't have my own email. That's what I was saying. She's like, love you. And I was like, love you too. Sent from Amy Polizzi. I was an SBC global gang for like 10 years.

I might still have it. You and Danny Cox, man. That's hilarious. It's funny how you remember that kind of stuff. But yeah, dude, like my cousins, dude, they're like on Snapchat with their own stuff since they're 10 years old. They don't, what parents are going to be like hijack their phone and go through all of it? Most parents don't even know how to work the damn phones.

Like, it's so easy. They don't ever have to call. We talked about this. You don't ever have to call and talk to a parent you know hey is uh ashley there oh yeah that was what's it to you oh i just wanted to you know like they don't have to do any of that that was my worst nightmare like i used to call like the girl i dated's house but like her younger sister of like two years younger would pick up and I'd be like hey so and so and she'd be like this isn't her I'll go get her

and I was like oh I was just about to talk to your little sister like it was you that's better than her dad but you can't confuse a dad you can't confuse it but damn yeah hold on always always pauses like he's thinking about it hello

hey can I talk to so-and-so, please? Oh, you want to talk to her? If that's okay. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Is she there? Let me go check. I think she might be working on something. Hold on.

It's like, oh, God. Now there's like a curfew. Now she's like working on homework. He's going to be standing over her shoulder the whole time. Probably listening on the other line. That was the worst. Yeah, like what kind of dad are you going to be if you have a daughter, you know? You can't be that like hard-ass dad.

No, I hate hard-ass dad. There's no way. I hate hard-ass dad. It's annoying. It's played out. Like what, do you got a shotgun when I pull up to your daughter's house? Like we get it we get it you you don't want your daughter like you get her home by 10 you want your daughter to be

safe who doesn't you know what i mean like did they come i mean i don't know that's around relationships it's just the weirdest thing of all time i've learned really well from my dad i've been really lucky he's not he's not like that at all when it comes to you know but it's kind of like to like if you push too much, then that's where it's like the daughter's going to be maybe going behind your back, like trying to sneak on you. But if you're just like, hey, like, all right, honey, have fun. Then she's going to be like, you know, like it's typically that way. But if you're like psycho, every psycho hard-ass dad, at least 95% of them, I feel like, like you know they don't get along with their daughter their daughter wants to rebel against them and that's where you have problems come in but if

you're just like yeah you're a teenage girl you're gonna have boys that like it you're gonna like boys you know i'm here i'm your dad i'm cool you gotta be cool dad it's cool you gotta be cool dad dude one time i had a cool dad though yeah i mean you know you have to make it clear that obviously there's expectation there but you can't we talked about the dad that like that does like push-ups in front of all the friends that are over in the basement like who are you trying to... You're cheating on your mom. Yeah. Who are you trying to impress? Yeah, I had an uncle one time, and he's not in the family anymore.

He's alive, but he's not in the family anymore, so I think I can talk about it. He's alive. But he, like... It was just weird, man. He, like, wouldn't, like, acknowledge the kid, and, like, the kid was at a family gathering. Oh, like the boyfriend? Yeah. Dude. He was just super weird.

I was like, what are we doing, man? It was just super annoying. And the kid was a nice kid, put together, was talking. You know what I mean? I mean, I hate that shit. I had a girl over at my dad's house one time like wild card like lived close so i was like whatever just come dad do you care like yeah but it wasn't night he was like no it's cool but i was like what am i doing i was just like sitting there with her while my dad was like

walking around the house i was like this is so weird and dude my dad came up to us and was like, why don't you guys go play basketball outside or something? How old were you? I'm trying to make a move. What was this, like two weeks ago? Last night. It was like freshman year in high school. Okay. Man, freshman year in high, that's a tough.

I would never do that now. It's a tough age. I would never bring anyone to my's a tough age i would never bring anyone to my dad's house now tough age like you for making like a video tough age to have some game man that's uh because you're so caught in between that was supposed to be like the kiss day yeah like we've kind of like hung out like twice weirdly somehow during like but if we this is now it's happening yeah but then it's Yeah. But then it's, you know, because then a friend, about time you get to be like a junior in high school.

Yeah. Junior's fair. It's like, you can kind of have some independence, maybe like be upstairs while they're downstairs or downstairs while they're upstairs or whatever. Door open. You know, like my freshman year, I mean, it's mostly like you got to be in the vicinity. Yeah. Like living room.

Yeah. Which is fair. That's pretty young. But I was like, why don't you guys, why are you sitting here? Why don't you go play some horse? Yeah. But, you know, shout out to him. That's a flirty little fun way to be outside, be on your own.

Yeah, it was good. That was a good break. So I was like, okay, now we can leave after this. Walks are big. We're going to go on a walk. It's like good activity, but like kind of like. Like people are around and can see, but you know. Still kind of hot.

You never know. The walks are hot. Maybe we walk to the park. We didn't say where we're walking. We just said we're walking. There's always a little sneak around so you can you know it's it's like an understood thing that you don't realize when you're a freshman you think okay they don't realize but then you don't remember that they've also already done these go arounds so everything yeah like yeah we're playing basketball, but if I make this shot.

Exactly. We're going to study if you get this right. Hashtag. If COVID never happened. Damn. COVID never happened, I'd be in New York Right now When were you supposed to go? Dude that would be insane

Beginning You're still going Beginning of this month We probably would have been there A lot of people wouldn't have gained as much weight Yeah that quarantine 15 Probably some relationships would have either started or would have lasted.

You know? I've heard a lot of... Besides, like, all the deaths, I think it was pretty good for, like, for, like, people's minds. You know what I mean? Well, you know.

Like, the biggest curveball literally of all time. Yeah. It was, you know... But, like, seriously, though, I mean, if you were affected by it, like, health-wise, you know. But like seriously though, I mean if you were affected by it like health wise, not okay. No. But if you're cool, like.

Yeah, it's like, you know, it's like what everybody was talking about back in March. It was, you know, that meme of those guys, you know, the soldiers on D-Day that was like our ancestors or our grandpas saved the country by going to war on D-Day. All we have to do is sit on the couch. So it was like for that period of time, if you took it seriously like most of us hopefully did, you were. You were just like at home chilling.

I thought I had it like three times. Like a Christmas break. Did you think you had it? You had to like once. Yeah. All right. Hashtag reminds me of my childhood. For me, it's summer.

Damn, really everything. But summer for me sticks out, which you didn't even have a summer growing up. Because of baseball and shit. My summer sucked. I think that's why just now, these have been the best three summers of my life. These last three? These last three. Parents got a pool. Been an adult, have my own money, can drink,

don't have to do travel baseball. I'm just outside chilling all the time. I'm living the summers that I never had. The pool is a flex. On the corner. Yeah. That just now hit me that you said that. This is why I am now a summer guy.

It's because now I'm living downtown. I can enjoy the pool. I don't have to be doing bullshit baseball stuff on the weekends when everybody else is having fun. Those tournaments and shit growing up. I'm so glad I never had to do that. I'm living summer now. Summer was my shit growing up, man.

Vacations. Why did it feel like summer lasted like four years when we were younger? It was like devastating when it was the end. But when it was the beginning, like when you went to school that last day and didn't even have to bring your backpack. You were looking, you were standing on the beach looking out at the ocean. There was no end in sight. You know? There's no end in sight. You know?

There's no end in sight. And now it's like tomorrow's 4th of July damn near. You know, it's like, what the fuck? 4th of July is going to pop off. It's a weekend. It is? What day is it? Saturday.

4th of July is on a Saturday. Yeah, I don't know how I feel about it. I think that's like the end of lockdown, officially, Fourth of July. No, it really is. Independence. Yeah, and Indiana, yeah. It legitimately is, yeah. That's when everything is supposed to be 100% back open, everybody in, you know.

Yeah. It's like next week. Yeah, isn't that weird? Yeah, it's a Saturday. Dude, bye. I know. Everybody's going to die that day. More people are going to die on Fourth of July than they did during COVID.

Just because everybody's going to be so happy. July 3rd, everybody's going to take that off. On the Thursday of July, most offices are going to be people on vacation. Really, once it hits July 1 on that Wednesday, you're good until the next week. Bye-bye, Mommy. Bye, Mommy. Dude. Bye, Mommy.

Saying that to your boss as you leave on Wednesday? Like, peek your head in the door She'd be like holy shit he's getting drunk Bye bye puppy So just some stupid shit But I laughed so hard On Sunday on Father's Day We were over at my parents and I wish she would have been there for this

Cause we like my mom You know when like parents say something That's just like stupid and funny That you just laugh about for You got your sister there like you just laugh about for fucking that's like fun like she didn't mean it to be funny right like so we were talking about like what we're gonna eat of course in the two-hour conversation that it took to happen uh we were talking about we're gonna eat and then she was talking about how we have cake left over and so everybody's like you know my dad was like yeah we have cake and my mom talking about how we have cake left over. And so everybody's like, you know, my dad was like, yeah, we have cake.

And my mom was like, yeah, we have cake. And everyone's like, oh, cake. Wow. So she was like,

so we can get some food, but not too much because I'm going to have, because we still have cake and I'm going to eat lots of it. And she like scrunched, she like, she like, dude, she scrunched her like neck in and her arms and her shoulders together.

She's like, and I'm going to eat lots of it. It sounded like a different voice, man. Why'd you just turn into a chipmunk? Dude, I laughed for 30 minutes after that. And it was just one of those things that was so funny because parents just, moms sometimes, I think they try to be cool or funny. It was, but it was so...

And I'm going to eat lots of it. It's literally turned into a cartoon from Space Jam. Totally normal. And we have cake after, so don't eat too much, because I'm going to eat lots of it. What'd your dad do? He looked right at each other Just started laughing our ass off Maddie fell on the floor She was laughing so hard

Best laughs ever is when that shit happens And when we were talking about What you and your dad were going to be doing on Oh your mom was like They'll probably celebrate Father's Day like A couple months from now Dude our Christmas this year was crazy It was literally like the weekend after valentine's day i think i was like i guess this is just what we're doing now two christmases not mad

valentine valentine's day after uh christmas had the valentine's day valentine's day in march uh forget st patrick's day Because everybody wears green Fourth of July Fourth of January Does that sound good? Oh shit Days Let's go days Okay

Thursday Thursday Always Always National Parfait Day Never been a parfait guy I like the same amount of calories Ols. Ols. National parfait day. Never been a parfait guy. I like the same amount of calories as, like, the sundaes at McDonald's, you know?

When that, like, broke and that came out. Everybody's like, but they're healthy. Because they're French. I had, like, four today, honestly. Dude, they're one of those things, and I know we've had a segment on here before where it's like... They're the same days, dude. We've been doing this show for three years. It's all the same days.

I'm doing this damn... Yeah, yeah, I'm doing this... We've done it. We've done Parfait Day three times. No, but I mean like... I've said the same shit all three times. No, but I mean like a segment where it's like things that should be good, but they're not.

That's parfait, dude. They're not that bad, though. It looks like a tree. It's got the like white cream. It sounds pretty parfait. It's got some like, you know, strawberry sauce. Just not good. The fruit's like frozen. You're like, oh, damn.

You know, it hits like your sensitive tooth. You want it to be good so badly, but it's just not. The nuts kind of do it for me, though. It is what it is. Looks better than it is? What else is like that looks better than it is? Circus peanuts. Dude, every time I see this.

Or a peep. Cotton candy. Every time I see a peep, I'm like, damn, that would be good. Cotton candy. There's like seven. Swedish fish. I like Swedish fish. I do too.

They're great to just gnaw on, but they should taste better. Why are they only giving us red in the bag? I swear there's like seven different colors of fish, and they only put red in the bag. I don't know. Maybe it's a Swedish thing. Dude, mix it up. And they only put red in the bag. I don't know. Maybe it's a Swedish thing. I don't know. Dude. Mix it up.

25 red fish? You know what I mean? After two, I'm like, that's it. Yeah. And they're fine. They are just straight up. They could be so much better. That should be their slogan.

They're all right. Swedish fish. They're fine. They're fine. People would appreciate that. I think they'd be like, oh, yeah. You know? Yeah, actually. The honesty, that's good. Kind of want some. That's all right. Swedish fish. They're fine. They're fine. People would appreciate that. I think they'd be like, oh, yeah. You know? Yeah, actually.

The honesty, that's good. Kind of want some. That's exactly right. Let's go to the movies. No, I'm kidding. Yeah. Cotton candy for sure, though. The presentation of cotton candy.

When they're swirling it out there, and you're like, oh, my God. Dude, at sporting events? Yeah. I'm like, hmm. Give me some of that you take one even if I don't want it I'm still like damn you take one hand yeah you take one handful it feels all weird in your hand

your hands get all sticky it doesn't taste like anything at all and you kind of like is this static in my mouth then it like uh it like compresses down in your mouth too yeah what am I eating now a carpet I will never ever get my kids cotton candy at least once though just just once does it like it's a mom thing let mom do that i'm

not doing it you know why because it sucks i'm gonna tell you that it sucks surprise is over your kids will never believe that that shit sucks pineapple kind of lives up to that though It's like the exterior of a pineapple Is like Oh Are you having a party? Is this a Versace commercial? Yeah

Is this pineapple in the Migos? Sure Is it Migos or is it the Migos? I don't know I think it was I think it was The Migos. Because they were like The Amigos and they just get rid of the The. It's like Facebook. Did I just dad The Migos?

I think you did. I think it was The Migos and then they got hot and they dropped the The. Yeah. Or I'm just making myself feel better. Drop the The. It's cleaner. It's like Jay-Z dropped the Dash after a while. Yeah.

I don't need that. I don't need that. I don't need that. Dash. A lot of rappers do that. They start their careers with some long-ass name, and then at the end, they're just like, DMX is cool. Sean Puffy Combs Daddy. Just call me Diddy.

It's just literally everything. Just compress it all down The Notorious B.I.G Biggie That's fine Yeah And then they just call him Big Tupac though

He's just Just drops a two Every Every rapper with Lil on the front Just why do you have it Why was Lil such a big It's like kind of making a comeback too

Every rapper is Lil Why Like early 2000s It was fucking You know Lil Wayne obviously Why was Lil such a big... It's like kind of making a comeback, too. Every rapper is Lil. Why? Like, early 2000s, it was fucking, you know... Lil Wayne obviously kept going, and he was like the top dog for it, but I feel like everybody was Lil something. Then I feel like they went away from it. Lil Bow Wow. Lil Bow Wow just went to Bow Wow, and I was like, no shit.

You started getting a little crazy. Did you not think about this? Yeah, you started getting a little crazy. It was like they felt like in order to be a rapper, you had to have Lil in front. It was like a felt like In order to be a rapper You had to have Lil and Fry It was like a certification You know It's like You know If

If they were a doctor You know what I mean Doctor in front of their name Oh shit Like they were qualified Like Every rapper wants to be like so different And they all have the same exact name

But yeah Now we got Lil but yeah now we got a little or no now we got duh baby little baby too there's two but duh baby way cooler baby the name i don't know if he is or not but okay okay national catfish day oh catfish my catfish hasn't really Okay. Okay. National Catfish Day. Ooh. Catfish. My catfish hasn't really been active lately. Well, now he is. Yeah. It's my day, bitch.

Yeah. I don't know. What's the thing behind catfish and the name? What do you mean? Like, why is it called that? I have no idea. I always wondered that. Because every Cause every time like catfish on MTV I was like they got hunting and fishing

Yeah Is this Bass Pro Shops? Talk about a weird store I hate dude I never went in there ever Just the look of it You can look at fish poles and wires for three hours Tackle box Why am I gonna get lost in here, too?

Need bait? Live bait. On the outside of the window. Click bait. Why is it called catfish? I don't know. Catfishing is a slang term for creating a fake profile on social media. We know that's a slang term, guys, but why is that the slang term?

Okay, I'll pull it up. Inspired by a fisherman's lure. Okay, I kind of get that. That's a little, you know, that's a little. Fisherman's lure. Lure? Lore. L-O-R-E.

That's weird, because then it's like, it's in lore. He went into Steelers lore as the greatest of all time. Or he just lured them. National Bomb Pop Day? I don't know what that is, but I'm thinking it's that, like, Firecracker Popsicle. That's the first thing. That red, white, and blue joint.

Bomb pop. That's like the, like if we're talking popsicles, he's like the captain. Right? Oh, yeah. The white color on that firecracker one, very underrated. Automatically, everybody thinks red, blue, very good, sure. White's got like a little bit of lemony sour to it. There's something in that.

It is lemon. It is lemon. But it's not like tart lemon. It's just like easy, sour, tasty lemon. No, you're right. Damn, I never thought about it. I never classified that. It's a nice little touch.

The blue is just like so blue raspberry, and the red is so cherry. It's like, what the fuck? Yeah. The most flavorful things of all time. But the white and the red is so cherry. It's like, what the fuck? Yeah. The most flavorful things of all time. But the white in the middle is like. Yeah. It's a good breakup. Just chill.

Mm-hmm. It's a dash. It's a dash when you don't know when to use a comma. I hate it. You know when there should be like a space and you're like, I didn't dash it. Yeah. Friday, National Coconut Day. Not a coconut guy ever nope can't think of one thing that i've been like yeah i need some coconut maybe like a coconut like

liquid mix like a like a coconut water that's it not even that that sounds weird sounds cloudy have you ever had it no it's supposed to like double hydrate you. Really? It's the only reason. Yeah, like after you drink, people are like, I used to drink it all the time during two days. People who get PDLA after a night of drinking. Yeah, baby. Yeah, go bye-bye, puppy.

Seriously, though. Like, we were talking, you tweeted something like, hey, go to number one all time morning after hungover breakfast biscuits and gravy oh yeah and i was like water and tylenol and somebody's like pedialyte dude shut the fuck up it does not work and you don't like you didn't like you didn't drink that much you don't need an iv you mean Pedialyte I want to go to Kroger's everybody knows what I drank on like yeah shut up dude just like you said just drink water I've definitely done it before and got the Pedialyte just to see like what the hype was about to see if it because

if it really worked I mean that's gonna change your life didn't do shit I was like I'm drinking like a melted popsicle it's just people who want to like cracker feel like a badass but i do i got so fucked up last night i had to i had to have a whole thing of p light the grape one goes so hard hey that's the right reason why they have to drink pd light is because all they the only thing that they uh drink besidesialyte and booze is Mountain Dew. The bottle's so like plasticky you know. You could like throw that thing off like

the tallest building in the world. It'd be like Keep going. I hate that though man. You are not tight because you drank Pedialyte the day after that you drank, like, eight beers and a mixed drink. How about Pedialyte's, like, reputation, though? It, like, started to become more for adults than babies. That's what's funny, though, is the ironic part is people think that it makes you be more of, like, a hard ass if you're drinking Pedialyte the next day.

But it really makes you more of a bitch because if you're drinking Pedialyte the next day. But really makes you more of a bitch. Because you're a fucking... Because you don't need Pedialyte. Because... You just need to get burped. Yeah. You need to sleep and drink a lot of water. Nursery rhyme.

And get some substance in you. You fucking idiot. National take your dog to work day. It's not a day. That's Monday through Friday. I'm so sick of seeing that on Instagram. Like, like you'd,

people's places of work. There's already so many like distractions. Like you look to be distracted at work. My favorite coworker. It's like, why the fuck is there a dog there? Every time there's alcohol at work, pictures on Instagram. You're a marketing company. Why fuck is there a dog there? Every time there's alcohol at work, pictures on Instagram.

You're a marketing company. Why do you need a dog? You want to work with dogs? Go to Uncle Bill's. Dax. Yeah, dude, the alcohol in the story. Well, I guess. I mean, if they're offering.

Boss just said we could, so I did. I mean, not going to say no Boss just said we could, so I did. I mean, not going to say no to happy hour. Boomerang. The minute there's beer at work. Like, why are you still here? Dude, even if there's food at work, I'm like, I'm not working anymore. Yeah.

There's salad and sandwiches in the break room. I'm see you i'm done with everything it's been fun i'm like i'm so glad i don't work in an office anymore right now but at the same time i'm i i'm kind of missing you need the content yeah i'm like missing that shit because you just so many ideas are birthed out of that. Every idea. It's like my whole personality. Just making fun of people at work. It's so easy, and it feels like people don't get it still. But that's what I'm worried about kind of with barstools. If I go out there and work at the headquarters out there,

everybody is like us. You know what I mean? So there's not going to be any more of them. There's still office guys everywhere. I don know man yeah there are in the restaurant i work at it's so like that like everybody just always has something to say i'm like how do you guys just have these lines i'm like do you guys like rehearse these everybody always something always it's always like hey guys you don't always have to have like the most clever response like to everything i say i could sneeze and they'd be like gesundheit i'm like dude i mean just shut the fuck up let one go bro just like just let it whiz by one time dude i helped my sister and her husband move

like a month ago and uh my brother-in-law's dad was there helping so of course comment king right it's like it's like 8 15 right early in the morning getting there helping move still like a work day for me, technically, right? So I need to check social, just whatever. I move something into the truck. I'm looking at my phone on the way back. He's walking down the stairs or something. Already break time?

Hey, Joe, already break time? Oh, you're really getting me going today. Like, already? Why? I've been there. I swear they have flashcards the night before, and they're like, okay, when he's sitting down, I don't do anything, already break time. Yeah.

I've been there for seven minutes, if that. I don't know what's going on with that. I'm just going to hold it now. It's happened a lot. Beer. Beer. Saturday. National Onion Day. You into onions?

You're not. Yeah. No, I like onions. Dude, just recently. Oh, and if you guys thought that Burpee Boy was gone, he is still alive and well. I know you, Burpee Boy. Oh, wow. I sing that for so much shit.

Still alive and well, my friends. Yes, that tweet you had the other day about pizza twice, then wine. Dude, I was fucked. Yeah, you've got it. But I just like. Oop, you got it bad. Every time you eat pizza. When you eat the pizza.

You throw up and your heart starts to burn. You got it, you got it bad. Your esophagus on fire from your mouth to your ass. You got it. You got it. You got it. Gas. You got it.

Gas. You are gas, man. It's fucking. But on days like that, you just put your head down and just accept it. When you have pizza available twice, of course the in-laws want you to drink wine. Come on! You're not going to turn it down. It's good wine.

Screwed. Just anything red, you can't eat it. You just make sure you got the Tums later to go that night and just suffer as is. The Tums are like fire, though. The Tums I have now, I'm like like are these sour skittles nah i go straight up with the chalk oh gee oh gee it's not the same curse on the board joints it's not the same unless you could write risotto on there or raruto those are z's movie guys saturday's onion days yeah i like onions. Onions are...

They grow. That's the thing, yeah, as you're older. When I was a kid, I was like, no onion! I'm like,

no onion. Now you'll get blooming onion from Outback. Just call you blooming. Blooming onion. That's blooming.

Those always did look so fire at Outback. Crikey. Come get a Blue Bin Onion. Outback Steakhouse. No rules, just right. Wow, it's a throwback there. I was always like, kind of want to go.

They had that boomerang in all their commercials. I was like, fuck. That's kind of the spot. Ballsters. Australian for beer. Damn, I forgot about that. That bowl game where, like, if one team won, you got, like, everybody got a blooming onion.

Yeah, the Outback Bowl. Don't even care about the Cal State Bowl playoff. Give me who's in that Outback Bowl. Seriously, just the game on, like, December 27th. That's the game I like. December 22nd. December 21st. Yeah, yeah, yeah. December 21st is the best. December 22nd. December 21st. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

December 21st is the best day of the year. Just a reminder. I kind of thought it was the 23rd. 21, 22, 23. Fantasy land. 23 getting a little too close. 21, so we're not there yet. Yeah, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

We're still having fun. You could see maybe a box coming down where your mom's getting ready to put the stuff away. 21st, we're not there yet. 23rd, it's like, well, once these days are over, then I'll be ready to go. It's like, okay. Getting a little close. Yeah, 23rd, we're walking the line. National Ice cream cake day

Saturday It's kind of like if you're gonna do cake now For me like Man I'm just not an ice cream cake guy Really What's your cake Cookie all day Cookie cake you do fuck with cookie cake

I will get cookie cake on my birthday until I'm in the ground. Do you put ice cream on it? Something about ice cream and then another thing for me is like, like if you have ice cream and a brownie, I'm like, there's nothing beating that. That's hard. Nothing beating that. That's hard.

But cookie cake, no. I go with the original, just a nice clean slice for the first one or two. But then after a while, maybe I'll be like, yeah, you know, a little something on there. Don't even say it. Hey, will you? Yeah. Just give me a little flop. Sunday.

National Waffle Iron Day. You had me a waffle. I don't know the iron part. What's going on there? Waffle iron. I'm thinking of the waffle press thing at hotels. It seems like that would make sense, but I couldn't tell you. Oh, it is.

Okay. So, sundae. Can you get into that? Yeah, sure. Like the continental breakfast? Sure, yeah. One of those big old waffles. I'm hyped for that shit.

Belgian waffles, I call them. And then they have all the shit you can put in there, bro. I put M&Ms in there and shit. By the time I'm done with it, it is a cookie cake. Yeah, it's nice to not just have the regular, you know, Lego my ego shit. Those do still smack, though. The cinnamon, like, you don't like eggos? I mean, they're fine.

I'm fine. They're fine every now and then, but the belt, I mean, compared to the Belgium, I have, you know. Like an old, like a Golden Corral. Like a Drurian. Sometimes I just want to go Drurian just to have the breakfast. What the fuck is a Drurian? It's a hotel, bro.

Why that? It's like a fancy hotel. It is? Yeah. I thought it was like a. No, it's like an upscale like Holiday Inn.. It is? Yeah. I thought it was like a- No, it's like an upscale holiday inn. Drury Inn. Yeah.

Nobody's ever referenced that. Check it out, bro. I know what it is. I see it on the highway sign. I'm like, Drury Inn. Stop off there one time. Blue and white? No.

What? It's like red. Shut up. Yeah. It's like a ruby red. The Drury is. I can't believe you said Drury I'm telling you Hop off there one time

I know you're always up Early as shit Oh it is red Fuck Hop in there and be like Hey I'm staying in room 403 And uh Can I get some

Why is it so exciting to go to a hotel What is that I was thinking about that the other day How do you like just disregard All the shit that's ever happened in that room And you're like They they built this for me. Yeah. No, as a kid, for sure.

There would be times, I didn't grow up with a lot of money or anything. My folks, they're young parents. There would be times they would take me and my sister to Cincinnati just to stay in a hotel. Me and my dad have done that so many times when I was a kid. Just be away. You want to just go to a hotel in Michigan? We like yeah let's do it yeah just to like be away and something new it's like like you said like kind of different beds like oh it's like exciting to watch the same shit on tv that you watch at your house just because they have it hbo you act

like a kid when you get into a hotel you know you're like you like fuck up the bed you like steal shit. You're like throwing towels under the sink. Leave the TV on at all times. I leave all the lights and TVs on. Why would you ever turn it off? Walking into a hotel with no noise, I'd be like, is there a ghost in here? He's going to kill me.

And also, everybody gets so pissed when I do this at home. Why would I not take advantage of this not being my home? TV on, everything on. Every single light. Windows open, naked the whole entire stay. Yeah. You can turn into a completely different person. Right.

Then you get home and you're like, turn it off. Oh, yeah. That's pretty much it, dude. I mean, we got National Camera Day, but I mean, come on. Remember when iPhones didn't have video? That's wild to think about that being a time. Why? Did you see the new iPhone update that's coming out, though? It looks super hard.

What's it do? Is it just for 11s? No, I think anybody can get it, but I mean, that has like on the home screen, there's like two big apps. They're like widgets. One's like kind of your calendar, and then one's the weather. I'm sure you can change it up, but that's how it was on the example. Two very important things.

I'm getting older. Bang, bang, and then it groups your apps now. Okay. Like in the ones you always use. That should help with storage, though, because you're always going through it, and you're like, what is this? I don't even know why I have this. Yeah, I just need a group of apps.

Shit you never use. But right when I delete an app, I'm like, I don't ever need this. The next time, I'm like, fuck, I need that. Happens every time. I hate it. StubHub? Hey, did you get those tickets? Fuck, I just deleted it. Because I haven't used them in three years. Now all of a sudden, I need tickets to Rascal Flats. Every time Lyft or Uber.

Like, we're always walking places. All of a sudden, whenever I delete it, hey, I will just take a Lyft. Can you get it? Jesus Christ. I'll just drive. I'm not going to drink. Fuck it. Seriously. Instead of downloading an app in 13 seconds. I'm not downloading it and putting my fucking card back in it. I'm not doing

any of that. I did something on the Uber app that is locked to my shit. I cannot take an Uber. I can't split an Uber. If you're riding with me, we're not doing Uber. I don't know. I hate Uber. I'd rather do Lyft all day. I don't know. I hate Uber. I'd rather do Lyft all day. I don't know why. Me too.

Uber just seems like... It's intimidating. It's like silver and black. I'm like, give me something fun. Yeah. Yeah, and then when you get an incoming call on your phone now, it doesn't take up the whole screen. Like, you know when you get a call, it's like...

Yeah. Like, while you're doing something, and it's someone you don't want to talk to or like just some random ass number. Right. So, yeah. Cool. Hi, dog. That's it, fam.

Thanks for having me. Shot 112. 112. 112. With the boy Joey. It was fun getting back in here. I miss doing this with you. Hell yeah.

But yeah, guys. All right. Follow us. Instagram, Twitter. You already know. Get a came But yeah, guys. All right. Follow us. Instagram, Twitter. You already know. Get a cameo, you know. At Benedict Polizzi. People are starting to hit me up on cameo for characters we've done in the past, and it's

getting fun. I love it. Got a robot. Shelton! Hunty? All right. 112. Talk to you guys next week.

I fam. Bye. Bye. 112. Talk to you guys next week. I fan. Alright, now it's a nightmare. See you guys next week!