Espresso - opinions that trigger people

Episode Date: December 30, 2021

👕 🔥 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 𝗜𝗦 𝗛𝗘𝗥𝗘!🔥 🧢 ↓ buy some shit ;) influencedby.co/collections/ben-polizzi 🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) on this episode Ben answers the Espresso Question of the week: what's an opinion you have that might trigger someone? (like: backstreet boys being 100% more talented than beetles) 86 NEWS reports on a woman finding a chicken's head in her KFC wings, Ben explains why getting his shoes cleaned at a mall kiosk was the best christmas gift ever, he realizes white girls w winged eyeliner are the most dangerous people in the city and reveals his Mount Rushmore of Role Models (3 backstreet boys 1 fast food mascot) ;) 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

shot 191 espresso podcast yeah i like this right here sounds pretty good as we you know step into the new year. Yeah. I hate new years. That's right.

You heard me. I hate new years. The parties suck. They're always overhyped. The parties suck, they're always overhyped And that one girl's wearing those glasses that say 2021 I mean two, I still don't even know what year it is I hate New Year's parties Everybody buys something new that they don't really even like

The whole time during the party You're like, who should I kiss? And there's only dudes at the party Guess what? You're smooching a guy You're smooching a guy What's up, fam? Holy shit Espresso pod shot 191 We're back

What's good Merch just dropped I'm hype about it I got a website that's doing it I thought this day would never come but grab something grab a glonky hat those are fire there's a white one in a multi-colored one there's indianaland sweatshirts there's johnson sweatshirts there's espresso sweatshirts and there's t-shirts of all those versions too and we're gonna add stuff to the store so if you have any good ideas like hey there should be a shirt for this or that or this we're just gonna keep adding stuff

i love it so pick some up it mean it would mean a lot to rep uh rep the fam out there and it's good shit too i wouldn't give you guys some shitty designs and stuff i can't do that to the fam but um yeah let me know I was thinking about doing a who's buying this shirt maybe maybe uh remember to join the Patreon we've got bloopers coming out behind the scenes coming out a couple times a week we got an extra espresso episode every single week and that's only for five dollars. You get all that stuff. And I'm going to start sending you guys little sexy messages and stuff like that, too. So join the Patreon.

That would be dope as well. But before we get into it, I do have a little bit of news I've been waiting to tell you guys. I don't know. It's kind of like I wanted to keep it to myself but I was like I might as well just tell them so ready six news this is Johnson. In entertainment, a customer was disgusted after finding an entire chicken head in her box of KFC hot wings. And if I were her, I would have said, what the clock? But that is truly fried.

Steve, I told you I won't make any more jokes. We're hoping the lady who ordered the wings wasn't single and ready to mingle because that chicken wouldn't have been the best wingman. It would actually be more of a cock block. Come on. Okay. Okay. Okay, I'll stop. In all seriousness, guys, we should all try to figure out when she went to KFC so the same thing doesn't happen to us. I'm trying to look.

It says here the incident happened around half past 10. Okay. I'm serious. I will stop. I will stop before I get fired here. Yeah, I don't know if this is what the high schoolers say when they say they're getting head. But in a KFC? They say they're getting head.

But in a KFC? That right there is on my bucket list. 36 News. I am Johnson. Alright. Now that we got that off our chest, let's get into the quick, quick, quick, quick, quick espresso question of the week. What's an opinion you have that will trigger someone?

For me, it's I don't care about steak. I don't. There's nothing good about steak. It's just, well, then you've never had good steak. I have had good steak, and it's just the same shit. Cool. Cool. Be more boring, shit. Cool.

B, more boring steak. Cool. A1's the best part. Let's get into it. Clint. Hey, Mayo, Mayo, Maine. What's an opinion you have that might trigger someone? Yo, it's Mayo Main.

I think I answered this last week. I think I deeply offended you guys because I would rather have money than have somebody guess what I want for Christmas. But I'm sorry. Never meant to hurt you. Never meant to make you cry. But tonight I'm cleaning out my closet because it's full of shitty Christmas gifts. Anyways, yeah, my opinion that will trigger someone.

I'm just going to say it. I'm not going to explain it. Everyone's just got to figure it out. I think the Backstreet Boys are infinitely more talented than the Beatles. Later. Dude, what a curve. I thought he was going to say NSYNC, and I was like, I don't know about that. The Beatles.

The Beatles are so whack. They are. Unpopular opinion. That's the opinion that would trigger someone. If you told that to my dad, he'd have you dead in 24 hours. Somebody would bang on your front door actually he's probably kidnapped right now hey mayo man he's in a potato sack in the back of my dad's truck and my dad's getting ready to throw him off of a cliff dude my dad loves the beatles so much every time i walk into this

dude dude's house, the Beatles are playing on his stupid ass like Bluetooth speaker. Right when I walk in, help, I need somebody. That's what Clint's saying as he's, hey, man, I'm saying as he's falling off of a goddamn cliff in a potato sack. I need somebody, help.

Not just anybody. I want to hold your hand. Every time I walk into my dad's, he might not even be there. Every time I walk in. Lucy in the sky. I'm like, how do I know all of these songs without knowing all of these songs? It was the first CD I ever got was the Beatles. and the next cd i bought the backstreet boys that first backstreet boys cd changed my life shaped my future i remember just looking like you know you like the old ass cd you when you bought a cd when you're a kid, it was something about the finish on the plastic. It just felt so new.

Holding a CD as an 11-year-old, you're like... It's all clear and crispy. You open it and it makes that little noise. The little paper inside, you take out that booklet on the inside and you fucking look through it. Nothing in there means anything. But there's cool pictures of everybody in the group i was like oh aj is so cool what's that mean if aj was my favorite backstreet boy does that mean i like have a i have a like a mental problem or something his voice was dope too everybody you know he wrote that whole song. He was like, can we please just rock your body.

Yeah. AJ with the ponytail. The guy your dad doesn't want you to like, like, like, like. And then Nick, I was like, okay, he's like the star. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the girls love Nick. Brian was like, okay, he's like the star. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody, all the girls love Nick. Brian, like low key superstar. Brian's like the Moses to Nick Carter being Jesus.

You know what I mean? He's like the underdog of the group. Who else was in that? Lance Bass, Bass, Bass. No, am I tripping right now? Was there five? Right. Oh wait, how we how weird was Howie you're like I don't know if he like did his dad like make the group cuz I didn't hear him sing once and he like wasn't

ever in it Then I flipped to Kevin And I was like Did I get a fake CD? Because this guy just looks like You're a pediatrician Or some shit Pediatrician that used to play basketball

At UCLA Is Kevin from the Backstreet Boys Kevin Love for the Cavaliers? Is that the same guy now? Everybody They're the same motherfucker Kevin was such a wild card pick There I go

We need a tall guy I don't know Tall guy goatee Let's go Come on First one you see out on the street. This guy just helped my kid with his flu symptoms. Bring him in. Let's see what he looks like. Oh, wow. Yeah, you can do it. You know anybody else? My son's name's Howie D. Yeah, that's fine Everybody Yeah Nick Carter, Brian, and AJ though

That's my three That's my three, dude Of all time What are those presidents on the mountain? That's my Mount Rushmore Nick Carter Brian AJ

AJ And probably like That's my Mount Rushmore. Nick Carter, Brian, AJ. And probably like the KFC Colonel. Three idols. Everybody. But damn, that's a hot take. Didn't trigger me. All right, let's keep going. Kyleyle gray what's an opinion you have that might trigger someone i hate those small little white dogs like those little rat dogs with the with the the crusty eyes and shit i know it's even worse when they're when they're owners they're like oh

no you just gotta you gotta get them known they're so sweet They're like, oh, no, you just got to get them to know them. They're so sweet. No, dude, I don't want to fucking touch that thing. Little white dogs. So much maintenance. It's like having white shoes. You're like, oh, they look good in the store. Take them out for a spin a couple times. You'll be cleaning those for the rest of your life.

Little white dogs always have two black eyes. I'm like, what'd you do? Break your nose during a pickup basketball game? Did you get in a fight at your buddy's house after the game on Friday? Jesus. And you clean their eyes and it's like bro 10 seconds after I'm like okay you put mascara back on Cool cockapoo

Now get your ass off the couch Those white dogs are ass I agree Caleb T just get a black one or a gray one Those dogs are cool but get a black one or a gray one You can't wipe your hands on it what are you supposed to do with a white dog the whole the half the point of dogs are so you can slap their ribs white dogs are too small to do that too and so you can kind of wipe your

hands off on them dogs like that you can't do that to a little white dog you're over too caleb t what's an opinion you have that might trigger someone i think artisanal beer tastes like piss give me a natty light any day god you sound like natty light artisanal beer is that what he said artisanal or did he say deer because that kind of makes sense oh like okay like brewery beer They kind of do all taste like shit I agree I drink them because I'm a bitch but I do agree

I'm always like that'd be so good And I take one sip and I'm like I hate it But now I have to finish the whole thing I'm going to take this L I take way Too many L I can't not take an L Like I'll buy stuff online. I'll buy stuff at the store, and if it doesn't work out, like, I'm not taking it back.

That's my ass. You got to own up to your mistake. But I'll buy an artisanal beer, drink it, and I'll be like, all right. Guess I'm going to have, like, a shitty next 15 minutes. Whoops. JTP. What's an opinion you have that might trigger someone? There's three messages

here. Alright. Didn't know how to do it. In regards to something that will He's like, god damn it. Something that will, he's like, God damn it. Something that will trigger people.

I don't get anxiety. Literally ever. I do not get anxiety over anything and it pisses everyone the fuck off. I don't know. Like, I kind of don't think I do either. It just depends what you think anxiety is. I't think i do but i just get like uh i don't know like before something like before this podcast i was kind of like

is that anxiety or is that just me being nervous before some shit i don't know i might not get it either but when people take anxiety medicine i'm like what's really what what are you even doing like i get it if you're about to sing the national anthem before the super bowl or something like that but like if you're just going to work and like going to the mall after and working out like why do you what's so bad what what's going on everybody has battles they're fighting remember that even though you don't see it. Okay, but I mean, chill. Matt Robert, what's an opinion you have that might trigger someone?

An opinion I have that might trigger someone is, I think St. Patrick's Day is just a holiday for wannabes. Because everybody has that friend where if you ask them the other 264 days a year, they're like, oh, I'm 12% Native American and 5% German and my uncle went to

Egypt one time. But then on St. Patrick's Day, magically this person's 100% Irish and oh yeah, what are you talking about? I'm totally Irish, man. Happy St. Patrick's Day. Look at the Irish. That's the other thing too. 100% Irish and oh yeah no I'm oh yeah dude what are you talking about I'm totally Irish man like like you know happy St. Patrick's Day look at the Irish that's the other thing too I feel like people in Ireland are like some of the fucking most unluckiest people that exist like their potatoes became death and like England's always fucking with them like they have all sorts of

problems like no St. Patrick's Day is a fake holiday. When St. Patrick's Day starts getting closer, it just turns my stomach green. Let's go! Matt Robert, start to finish banger voice message.

You could hear the passion in his voice. That's what's up. Thanks, fam. Yeah, he's 100% right. It's a You could hear the passion in his voice That's what's up Thanks fam Yeah he's 100% right It's a fake holiday And it's the most annoying forced holiday too It's right up there with New Years So all you St. Paddy's people

Even if you are super Irish on St. Paddy's Day That would make me want to stay in my house Because everybody would be like Oh What about you You getting drunk No Jesus

Kiss me I'm Irish Jesus Slap me in the Fucking face I'm not Irish That's the worst But yeah I'll probably Still go out for it

That Cinco de Mayo Is kind of like Alright Cinco de Mayo is probably the best one of those But just straight up drinking holidays New Year's is the worst man And I play it every year I talk shit about it every year

Today this is what I thought in my head I was like New Year's Eve This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to build all the furniture I got for Christmas. I got like a cabinet, like a little end table for Christmas. I was like, I'm going to build them on New Year's Eve. When everybody's out, I'm going to build them. Guess what I'm really going to be doing? Five, four, at some stupid ass party. Guess what I'm really going to be doing? Five!

Four! At some stupid ass party. It happens every year. Somehow, something happens, and one hour before I decide to build a bunch of furniture, somebody's like, hey, I got an extra ticket. I'm like, all right! Where's my turtleneck? If you're not wearing a turtleneck on New Year's Eve,

scoff. Cops. Put anybody in a turtleneck on New Year's Eve, fuck off. Cops. Put anybody in a turtleneck, I'll fuck them. God damn it! Just keep going. Jonathan Gulick. What's an opinion you have that might trigger somebody? Bro. I don't know why but why do people get so is this me upset when you walk through the exit door at like walmart or sam's club

stuff like that like yo like it don't matter you're getting in there when no one's there no one knows you know shoo knows, you know. Shoo. That was me. That was it. That's me. This is me when I have, after I drink one beer. This is me. Bro. Bro.

This is me. I do that same shit, too. I'm like, okay, I can't go at the exit but it opens so i can and there's a bunch of slow ass stupid people right here i'm going this way bro yeah but when you it sucks though it sucks that walk of shame when you try to go out the exit and it's one of those doors that doesn't open from the inside. You're like, so you got to walk all the way around and make eye contact with the store greeter. That's like, those store greeters don't say shit until that moment.

13 hours straight. The second the exit door doesn't open for you when you're trying to go out of it. Mm. All right, let's keep going. Audrey D. Long. What's an opinion you have? Had a stroke? Audrey D. Long, what's an opinion you have that might trigger someone?

Hey, Ben. I hope you're doing well trigger someone. Hey, Ben. I hope you're doing well. Wow. Thanks. Pumpkin spice does not exist. It's a made-up flavor. I know, but I love it. I mean, yeah, you're right.

You're right. They're putting it in too much stuff. I get it. It's popular for the fall but i saw it in ramen noodles and if you say raymond new raymond noodles yeah it's made up but it's. I'd get a pumpkin spice candle. I'm a candle bitch now. I got one the other day. Oats and honey. Lit it in my house.

Smells like absolutely nothing, but I still light it every night. Kaylee Apperson. What's an opinion you have that might trigger someone? Most police officers are good people no I'm triggered just cuz your husband's a cop doesn't mean you have to come on here and drop that bomb guys in general are just bad people And they're all Guys are all

All the cops are guys I'd say 25-75 Cops Cops You should get arrested for saying that I'm just playing Derek Littlefield What's an opinion you have

That might trigger someone A good way to trigger Just about any girl I know Is to say hey I think I'm going to get my next pet From a breeder The end of that good way to trigger just about any girl i know is to say hey i think i'm gonna get my next pet from a breeder he's like fuck how do i end this okay yeah that's true i gotta rescue i don't care i don't care either way on that i got no opinion you get a rescue dog I don't care. I don't care either way on that. I got no opinion.

You get a rescue dog? Cool. You get a dog from a breeder? Cool. Same dog. Same thing. Yeah, but you rescue them from a weird environment. Okay. The breeder might not have the best environment. Just the dog.

You know? Just hopefully it's not white with black circles on its eyes. All right, let's keep going. Let's go to viral. And apparently, I like totals. I like totals. Viral is a segment where I take the most popular hashtags on the internet and talk about them for a little bit.

Before we get into that, the Espresso podcast is brought to you by Wave 1 Media. If you want to start your own show, visit thewave1.com. I think I lead the league in having shit in my throat for hosting a podcast. Those are the stats I want. I don't care how many listens you get. I don't care how many views you have. I don't care how many subscriptions or ratings or anything like that. I just want to know how many times, I want to know who leads the whole Apple podcast platform in clearing their throat per podcast. Because that's the only category we're winning in.

Number one, clearing their throat. Number one in stuttering. Number one in making noises. All right, let's go viral. Hashtag makes me cautious. What makes me cautious? I got dropped off. Dude, my sister would not let it go.

People, this is probably stupid and dangerous, but I walk downtown at night all the time like just from my car to like mass ave it's like no it's not a bad walk at all but uh my sister's like you cannot what my dad says it to that you cannot walk downtown at night something's gonna happen i'm like what is gonna happen i'm a guy like what what i'm just walking maybe if i like i don't even know what makes me cautious though when i see a girl walking downtown at night i'm like no no no no no no girls are girls stay strapped though how come every girl I know now, like, has a gun on them? I'm like, okay.

Maybe just white girls with, like, winged eyeliner are the most dangerous people in the city now. They're like, they stay strapped. They have, like, a knife on them at all times, a gun on them at all times. They have, like, mace on them, like, locked and loaded. They're like Spider-man with mace if you go if you even say if you even walk next to a girl when it's dark when the Streetlights are on she's like Knife and gun like a cop put your hands up Who girls are strapped and they all they do is watch serial killer documentaries

So they know how to like execute a perfect neck break. Like one of those movie neck breaks. There's no more movie thing than a neck break. You're like, oh my god, he needs to kill him. He needs to kill him. How's he going to do it? They always just walk off. I'm like, dude, come on.

Dude, white girls walking around most dangerous in the city. Hashtag next year I'm getting. Hashtag next year I'm getting. Hashtag next year I'm getting I don't know But this year All I got for Christmas Not all I got All I got for Christmas was a This is really what happened for Christmas Okay somebody spilled wine

Somebody spilled my wine All over my Jordan 1's Love them Best shoes I have And it was wine It wasn't like it was some dumb drink Beer, coke Stuff you can get out of stuff

It was wine You know when you get wine on a shirt You're like, okay, throwing it away That happened to my shoes So I was like, how am I going to clean these shoes I'm not even going to attempt it Because I'll mess them up So I was like, how am I going to clean these shoes? I'm not even going to attempt it because I'll mess them up. So I was like, there's only one place I can go that I remember that people just clean shoes.

You know that kiosk? You ever walk by that kiosk and they're like, hey, yo, bro, come here. Just hold on for 10 seconds. Come on, let me shine your shoes up real quick. Come on, come on. And they're like all fast talking. I was like, I'm going to be the first person that actually goes to that guy. It needs my shoe cleaned.

So I walked up there and showed him both shoes. And he was like, done. $10. I was like, all right, I'll pay you at the end. Because I want to see how they look after. He's like, bet. So then I was like, I'm going to go get another pair of shoes in my car. And he's like, all right.

Then I was walking out of the door. And I was like, I the door and I was like I bet that dude just steals my shoes Because Why wouldn't you I just left him with a pair of shoes that he's gonna make brand new And i'm leaving right now. I'm walking in the parking lot right now. So I started booking it through the parking lot Go to my car get another pair of shoes out of my car. There's like 19 pairs of shoes in my car.

And I'm like, should I? They're probably already gone. Run back to the kiosk. I'm like, please God be there. I see his head. I'm like, thank God, the best noise I've ever heard in my life. I'm like, yo, can you shine these two? Can you like freshen these up too? And he's like, thank God, the best noise I've ever heard in my life. I'm like, yo, can you shine these too? Can you like freshen these up too?

And he's like, $10. I was like, so I'm sitting there next to this dude at this kiosk, just sitting in the middle of the mall with my socks on. Like, seeing people I know, I'm like, yeah. So like, what do you use? And like, how long, you know, asking like Uber guy questions, like, so how long you been doing it? Just in my socks. Every time I looked down at the ground, I moved my foot from where I was standing. There was like a sweat print for like three

seconds and it faded away. I'm like, why am I nervous? And then he was just for so long. I was like, I'm going to grab everything in my goddamn car and have this guy clean it. So through the parking lot, Christmas Eve, get back to my car. I'm like, should I grab my bag? I'm like, what else can I bring? I wish I would have brought my dishes from my house. I might just drive my car in there. Can you shine?

Can you armor all the inside? Now, I got two pairs of shoes cleaned in a bag clean for like 30 bucks. I never, I would have bought all new shoes in a bag. Best Christmas of all time. And it's a bit of the best Because those type of people don't give a shit I was like bro This made my Christmas

Thank you so much I appreciate it Holding my bag and two fresh pairs of shoes That look brand new now And he just looks at me and goes Alright I was like Walk away in my socks

But that was the best Christmas gift ever Walk away in my socks. But that was the best Christmas gift ever. My bag looks brand new. Look at this shit. Actually, I don't... Alright. I always get made fun of for this bag. Because people are like, Are you going to space in that bitch?

But I keep so much shit in here. On another episode of What's in his bag just a bunch of clothes notebooks weird baggies full of shit chargers cologne and sticky tack don't ask why why why okay we'll see you tomorrow no hashtag said during vacation. I don't think I've ever really been on an actual family vacation where every member of your family is there. There's always somebody missing, and they do it for a reason. Like, we'd go on vacation when I was a kid,

but, like, my dad would never be there. Or we'd go to, like, vacation as kid, but like my dad would never be there or we'd go to like Vacation as a kid and my mom would never be there like obviously It's always just everybody just fights the whole time Oh my god vacation. We can just relax It's more relaxing when you're not on vacation. Where are we gonna eat? Where are we gonna go? We need to be there at this time. Shut up! That's all vacation is every single day.

You're going to... No, we're going to get evicted if you keep doing this. No more. I said stop. All right. Talk back one more time. We'll go home right now.

Get in the car. No, dad, no. Get in the car. I'm going to count to three. That's all vacation is. Vacation in 15 seconds. Somebody loses something. I lost my bracelet. Grandma got me on the beach.

Every time. Who does it anymore? Who actually goes? Who's going there? On another episode of Who's going on vacation? Who's going on vacation? For a week? Vacation has to be two days tops

And get the hell out Imagine a week in Florida with your family. I would never be seen. I'd go to the condo and then get my own condo. Bye. Yeah, right. Jet skis? Shut up. You always do a bunch of shit on vacation you didn't even want to do. I can just see my dad being like, let's get some jet skis, B. It'll be fun. I'm like, you don't even like water. All of a sudden, we're just going to go jet skiing now? I don't want to see your legs without pants on. Goddamn. Your mom just reads a book on the patio the whole time with a glass of wine that's all she does for seven straight days that's it just reads a book and kind of gets a tan and eats like

six crackers that's my mom's whole life reading a book outside with the sun hitting her face and like a cool drink could be wine could be like a spritzer could be like a sparkling water and that's it Eats a couple crackers doesn't even need to leave the place Brought some cool pants just in case we're going to like a seafood restaurant. She gets bang bang shrimp Besides that that's it. So she might go down to the pool and come back up, but no one would ever know Crackers, wine, book. And the crackers are probably wheat thins. That's my mom's whole life.

Hashtag. That's a quiet... That's quite a stretch. Hashtag that that's a quiet, that's quite a stretch. Hashtag, that's quite a stretch. That's a stretch you do in the morning. If you stretch in the morning and you don't make a sound, there's something wrong with you. Every stretch I have in the morning. Dude!

Dude! I'm just going to try tomorrow to not make a sound My brain will probably explode System reset Animals stretch all day That's all animals do is stretch Death taxes and animals stretching Seriously though You ever see a goddamn dog stretch

Like a bigger dog Stretch If you see like a One of those big ass like Dalmatian Just huge dogs I'm like It's gonna blow up Dude the whole house is like

Those big ass dogs should not be allowed inside I've never seen a little white dog stretch Cause they're just straight up bitches They're like Mmm I'll deal with that I'm gonna wipe my eyes for the fifth time today When big dogs stretch EVERYBODY GET so extra like hey we got side to stretch Oh, that's just our dog, Deuce.

Is he okay? Yeah. He's just seven feet tall and walks around our dining room like he owns the fucking place. Holy shit. That's all cats do is stretch, too, and they stretch so sexy. I said that around someone the other day, and they looked at me like I had four dicks coming out of my head. I was like, what? Cats are inherently sexy.

The way they like glide up on your leg. I'm like. Wait. I'm like, and they hate you you too Every cat's a girl There's no guy cats Convince me There's no guy cats They're all girls

They're all like But then they're like God damn it Let's do days of the week Days of the week That didn't sound that good Days of the week That sounded too good

Days of the week is You know there's like a national day For every single day Like national pizza day Is this Thursday I just find those There's like four for every day And we just talk shit about them

Thursday Falling needles family feast day What could that be? Oh my god Taking a real Christmas tree down Dude What a thing I don't miss That was a disaster

Bringing it in the house was still a disaster But you're like at least it's Christmas Taking it out of the house When Christmas is over you're like fuck it And then you got your dad that's like Hey be careful You mess around with it now You're gonna have to clean up all the needles

So be careful have some pride in what you're doing I'm like dude Just let me get this actual tree With sap and shit on it Out of the house You do it your way You'll be cleaning up the needles all day And I'm like you just rhymed

And he's like shut up And then I do clean up the needles all fucking day Oh I have PTSD from that He's like, shut up. And then I do clean up the needles all fucking day. Oh, I have PTSD from that. Because I got in trouble really bad one time in high school. And my dad just made me squeegee the needles off of the carpet. That's all I remember doing. So I'm in trouble.

I just got grounded the hardest I've ever been grounded and I'm just doing this to needles with my dad's like your grounded vibe like floating around the house I'm like and you know after you get in trouble you start acting really good so I'm like making sure every needles in there I'm like making sure every needle's in there. I'm like, I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked if he sees one needle. I'm so fucked. Yeah, so cleaning up needles for me is a whole different thing. That was weird. Friday.

Make up your mind day. Good Lord. Not for me. It takes me, I don't think I've ever made up your mind day. Good lord. Not for me. It takes me... I don't think I've ever made up my mind. And if I have, I don't like the decision I made. Who's making up their minds?

If you can make up your mind, call me. We need to date. Because I need someone. People that can make a decisive decision. I'm like, you're the most confident person I know. Congratulations. You're the next president.

This guy can make a decision. He will be your president elect. Universal hour of Peace. Universal Hour of Peace. Peace, peace, peace on earth and good will to all. That was a straight- up Christmas program slapper. And then they mixed Silent Night in with it. Did your Christmas program do that?

That's St. Barnabas 2002 shit though. Half the church was like, peace, peace. Even our music guy was like, peace. He was getting into it, you could tell. And even the parents were like yes yes do it do it he's on earth and good will to all he was like i think we i think we did like an aunt like we did like i think the the crowd was like one more time because it was so nasty one more our music teacher was like, his moment. This is why he's a music teacher. He was like, run it again.

Peace. Peace. Peace on earth. The weird, like, bell people came out. And good. We'll do what. And then he just pointed to the other half of the church like he had like like energy balls in his hand like a power and he was like and this side of the church was just started out of nowhere Peace on earth and I will always love you.

Will do I. And everybody in the crowd just fell down. Then we all went home and probably got in trouble for something. But that was the hardest shit I've ever done in school That Peace on Earth and Silent Night combo collab I'm surprised Jesus didn't come down and kiss us all But the music teacher probably did Did that just happen? Alright.

Let's get out of here. Shot 191. That was fun, y'all. Thank you for listening. Remember to subscribe, rate, review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify. Give me a review that says this guy clears his throat more than anyone in the

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