Espresso - psycho parents

Episode Date: August 27, 2020

Will & Jada | post-traumatic slap disorder | dads teaching you how to drive | pharmaceutical sales reps (are always bald)

He didn't make it! Michael Jordan, the greatest player of all time! Hold on, hold on now. This is me last night. He didn't make it! After three months of not buying peanut butter, this is me last night. He didn't make it! Michael Jordan, the greatest player!

He didn't make it! Right after I scan it right right as I scan it in the self-checkout Ben Palizzi the biggest peanut butter boy of all time. Yeah. Okay, now. That's just how I get into it. Three peanut butter apples first day back. Three. He can't get enough, people. All right, what's up?

Shot 115. Remember to follow on Twitter, Instagram, Cameo, and TikTok, all that Benedict Polizzi. This feels like a real show right now. All that Benedict Polizzi. What do we got on the news? Yeah, but follow for sure and get a Cameo, you know?

Give a little shout-out to somebody. I can be Chalde, or I can be Johnson here, or I can be Hi Humpty. I can be any character of all time that I've ever done before. So like four people. But yeah, check it out. Cameo at Benedict Polizzi. I put out that Instagram story that was like, tell me some psycho stuff your parents did when you were a kid.

And you guys went off. You guys have issues. But let's, what's going on? Let's talk about normal stuff first. Before we talk about how you guys were abused. I saw a tweet that said, I eat one meal a day at 4 p.m don't ask if i'm okay isn't that everybody you know isn't like who who on earth can eat three meals a day plus healthy snacks in between? Are you homeschooled?

Who has that kind of time and money? Remember when you saw a cereal commercial and it would be like, part of a complete breakfast. Or like Pop-Tarts, part of a complete breakfast. And the Pop-Tarts would be like next to a huge bowl of cereal, like two cups of juice, like orange juice an apple toast eggs like that whole picture at the end of the commercial like i don't even think i've i've eaten that much stuff in a whole day let alone breakfast i haven't eaten that much food in a day since like

christmas 2009 breakfast. I haven't eaten that much food in a day since like Christmas 2009. I swear to God. Part of a complete breakfast that you'll eat over the course of two weeks. I saw another tweet that said mustard or ketchup on hot dogs ew i'd definitely roll with ketchup like i'm going out of my way to eat ketchup to put ketchup like i'll eat fries just because like hat and 75 of the reason is like you know like half the time the fries aren't even good like steak and shake fries those are those are like nothing to me. But I'm like, there is that other part of this equation that I really like. Yeah, I'll take a large order. But just mustard, like ketchup's like Batman, mustard's like Robin, you know?

That's just how it is. Mustard needs to be there with the ketchup, like in the scene of the crime. But if it's not there like it'll probably be like Batman can handle it but if it's just mustard like let's call in the homie I don't know if mustard can take down these bad guys feel me feel me Okay, Will Smith and Jada. I don't know, man.

I don't like that people are backing Jada for that. I know she's like, I felt so damaged and not loved and all that stuff. But, dude, it's not like you're dating some guy that you met at Tiki Bob's. It's Will Smith.'re dating some guy that you met at, like, Tiki Bobs. It's Will Smith. And you have kids. Figure it out, power cup. Butter cup. Like, it's not cool still, right? What am I missing?

Is Jay... And everybody's like, oh, she's so fine. Like, I would have done the same like dude i don't is jay just like am i tripping or does she just look like a mom like a like a mom that does yoga i swear to god like okay like if i saw her in a yoga studio i'd be like she looks good like yeah but i wouldn'd be like, she looks good. Like, yeah. But I wouldn't be like, oh my God.

I don't know. She always looks like she just got out of the shower. But seriously, she's pretty and I get it. But like, no. Still not cool. Kind of rude, Jade. Right? If I was Will Smith, I'd split with her and just run for president.

Who's not going to vote for Will Smith? He saved the world. But yeah, I bet Will Smith, I bet like, I kind of have a feeling that a bunch of girls are going to come out and say that they hooked up with Will Smith in his career and that would ruin my life. Maybe not a bunch of girls. Maybe just like maybe just like one person.

Will Smith is going to be like God I hope none of those girls that I hooked up with are going to say anything now. That would be the worst. He's like paying them all off right now. And then one person does and he's like I can now. That would be the worst. He's like paying them all off right now. And then one person does and he's like, I can't let this

slip through the cracks. Please don't say anything. That's the tweet hitting. Right here is the tweet. Right there. Send tweet. I hooked up with Will Smith when him and Jada were married. Ho ho ho ho! He's like, wait. Will Smith is like, wait.

Who the hell? This is Will Smith after someone accused him of having an affair. What the hell are you doing out here, Fred? How did you get out here? Fucking Fred. Okay, okay, I just had to do that. Hold on. But he does shoot him After Will Smith gets accused of having an affair During his reenactment

Damn it, Fred! I've blown them to pieces alright let's get hey let's get into these let's get into these psycho parent DMs okay I put out okay

I put out that story on Instagram that was like what are the most psycho things your parents did to you when you were a kid or your parents just did

when you were a kid and we're just gonna I haven't read them or And we're just gonna, I haven't read them or anything. We're just gonna, we're just gonna go down the list. So here we go. When I was 16, okay, this is from Sal Grass. When I was 16, my parents grounded me. So my dad put my car in the garage and then he shut off the power to the garage door. So I couldn't get the car to the garage or go anywhere. I figured out which switch it was in the breaker box and I turned the garage doors back on. Where did I need to go that bad?

Shutting off the power to the garage, that's pretty cool. That's such a dad move. Yeah, the breakers. The breakers. She'll never figure out the breakers. God, that breaker box is so damn ugly. You know, you ever get an apartment and, like, that breaker box is, like, the centerpiece of your wall? You're like, what?

Thanks, construction guys. You couldn't, like, put it in the laundry room? It's always, like, poof. And then you're like, it's, like, so hard to because there's like, there's like handles and stuff on it. I hate that. All right. That was okay. We got to do, we got to be way more psycho than that.

If this, if this is going to be a thing, we do the rest of the podcast. Somebody needs to die. Okay. This is from Nikki Zubach. Nikki Zubach. Nikki Zubach. I like that name. That sounds like a fake name I made up when I was a kid and sat around my house all day. Nikki Zubach.

Nikki Zubach. All right. I had a wrist leash. Like in Disney World in the state fair. Psycho things your parents said said I had a wrist leash like those are psycho but honestly that would help so much if you're a parent because kids man you ever get you know when you get lost and you're a kid and you're like this is it for me I swear growing up half the time my mom like I lost my mom in the store was because she like, I think like I was looking somewhere and she would just like bolt off. Cause she didn't want me to like follow her around. That happened so many times I'd be in the store. Like, cause

we were just like in like Ann Taylor loft or something like just some store where I'm like, there's not even a men's section. Like I can't even like slap the ties that are hanging up and she'd be like I'd be following her around because I just had nothing to do and no phones and she'd be like stop following me so close it's like my mom's like bumper sticker on her car stop following me so close seriously that was slapped on her back at the mall stop following me so close i didn't have anything to do like and i hated like that's why i always went inside of clothes racks because i was like i i need some entertainment

and then some lady would look through the shirts and my my red face would be in between two navy blue sweaters. Hi. Ah! Yeah, a wrist leash is psycho. Okay, here we go. This is Kate Makuski. My dad burned all my brothers.

Oh, my. See, here we go, dude. This is it. My dad burned all my brother's clothes and kicked him out for a few days. Burned his clothes? He doesn't remember why, though. What? Either because he dropped a TV on accident or had a party.

And he was the assistant coach for my soccer team and he pissed me off so I flicked him off and he kicked me off the team and threw me out of the house for like a week what the hell is wrong with your family dude oh my god imagine like throwing a party and the next day all your clothes are in a fire. Damn, that's psycho. That's psycho level like nine. Now I'm starting to think that sentence is fake. Like, who is that like, you dropped my TV on accident?

Khaki pants. School clothes. And then he flipped them off, and he kicked you off his team? Crazy, dude. Why'd you do that? I don't know. I don't know. When you first saw, like, a kid flip somebody off when you're younger though it was like oh oh my god

yeah that was kind of like if you flip somebody off like across the room like when you like saw your friend in school and you just flipped them off like and the teacher didn't see and like maybe some of the people in the class saw and it was like, I still do that. If you flip off somebody seriously these days, like how lame is that? Some dude flipped me off today because like I, I had a green arrow and I, I don't know, I did a U-turn like seems normal to me, but he was like, and he drove by and flipped me off. I was like, okay, dude, go work at Chick-fil-A. All right. Jamie Gettner.

My parents would pay us a quarter for every pound of dog shit we picked up in the yard. It was like an Easter egg hunt every time. I was the only smart child that hung around our gravel drive, so I shoved rocks in my bag. Oh, paid. Actually, that's not a bad idea. My parents would pay us a quarter every pound of dog shit we picked up. Every pound?

Pounds of dog shit That's like what did you guys have like 59 dogs? So you guys have a dog ranch My parents would pay us a quarter for every pound of dog shit we picked up in the yard it was like an easter egg hunt every time pounds of dog shit a quarter that's not enough money if i picked up a pound of dog shit i'd be like give me a hundred bucks and a jack and coke that is kind of crazy, though. No, but psycho level, probably like... That's not that psycho.

I think my parents would expect me to do that for free, honestly. In quarters back then when you were a kid? How sexy was it? Like a big-ass quarter. You're like, oh, yes. When you saw a nickel, you're like, yeah. Oh, God damn it. This one's going to be good all right pat coons psycho things your parents did when you were a kid my dad mf-ing the dog at 3 a.m

on a tuesday morning for parking some young kids had to be scared shitless next door the loud grunts and stomps to the door in pitch black darkness was pretty great too imagine that all those noises are living that like some kid waking up in the middle of the night it's just like mother I'd be like, okay, um, cops. Okay, I'm just looking through DMs, and some of them are, like, responses to other stuff, so I'm sorry if it, like, takes too long. All right, I'm gonna open up this next one. I don't know what it is. How can a gal like me meet a guy like you?

God, it's funny. If anybody says gal, though, people that say gal, if you say gal, someone should be able to spit on their hand and just smack you across the face. Open hand. Yeah, those are some good gals. Ah! That's what you get.

All right, Patrick Guymon. Psycho stuff your parents did when you were a kid. Made me stay and rake a whole-ass baseball complex after having a bad game. All you literally do when you rake is just reflect on your life. How miserable is that after a bad baseball game? That's pretty good. That's pretty psycho. A whole complex?

Oh, my God. Why? Like, what if it, like, it'd be understandable if, like, his dad worked there or something, but he was probably just like, hey, you got a rake, Jerry? Pat had four errors. That's pretty psycho. I'd give it, like, a six. All right.

This is from MelBala1. Mobamba. This is from Mob Bala 1. Mo Bamba. This is from Mo Bamba. Psycho things your parents did as a kid. When my dad was teaching me how to drive. Oh, that's a nightmare. That is the worst of all. Worst scenario of all time is your crazy dad.

Even if your dad's, like, relaxed like Matthew McConaughey, it's still the most toxic, most toxic 45 minutes of your life. Why is everything you do wrong? I swear, I killed it. I killed one lap around the parking lot when my dad was teaching me how to drive. I was like, I guarantee that was the smoothest shit you've ever felt.

And he's like, well, you kind of stopped early and it jerked me a little bit. I'm like, God. There always has to be something wrong. Like if my dad had to teach me how to drive now, I just would never drive. I'd be like Uber everywhere. All right, she goes, when my dad was teaching me how to drive, I had my permit.

I sneezed and got cussed out for closing my eyes. That is one of those things that they'd be like, you can't sneeze. What are you going to do when there's a guy riding a bike on the right and there's a car on the left? Then you've got to sneeze. What are you going to do, huh? You take some Zyrtec and you keep your eyes on the road! Except my dad

would be like, you keep your eyes on the toad! And then I would start laughing and then I wouldn't get my license till i was like 19 okay okay logan handy this is gonna be funny psycho stuff your parents did when you were kids when i was super young my parents used to drive me by this creepy ass house whenever i would mouth off or not listen to them i can't talk sorry and they told me this mean old lady lived there and kept bad kids in her basement with no windows and only fed them one piece of bread a day that actually sounds like a deal like garlic Texas toast I'd be like what's her address literally terrified as a six-year-old still know the house and refer to it as the mean

old lady's house from anonymous whoops already said your name sorry imagine being God families are so weird imagine being in that car on the way there you like you know when a dog like knows it's on its way to the doctor and it's like, being all weird in the car. That was her on the way to the lady's house. Like facing the trunk. I think something like that happened to me. I think somebody drove me by something.

Oh, no, in high school we always used to drive by like this normal ass like realtor house thing that was just like on the side of the like completely normal and there are these two rocks in the front of it i'm getting scared talking about this right now they're like two big rocks in the front like just for like whatever landscaping and when you drive by it at night it looks like a lady laying down oh okay i'm scared now i'm scared now i just i always do this now i'm gonna see like a reflection of something but like we would drive by and just be like it looks it looked exactly like a lady laying in the grass and it was just like oh i have the chills in my legs. Okay.

But that was our thing that we drove by. But we just did it for fun, not for punishment. How bored were we? All right, all right. Here we go. Laney Hughes. Psycho stuff your parents did.

One time after a volleyball game, my mom threw my cell phone out of the car window and then made me get out and go look for it my two of my teammates pulled over and asked if I was okay I hate that moment because you don't want to like rat out your mom when your teammates are like is everything okay and you're just like kind of laughing yeah everything's fine i just i dropped uh my wallet you don't want to like you like kind of lie but like it's still kind of true and your mom's like yeah uh-huh good game you two or the time my dad found out i was going to a whiz concert at old national center i think i was there and called the head of security to let him know

I was going to keep an eye out for a group of cathedral kids. That's probably actually the smartest thing your dad could have done ever, though. Whenever there's a group of cathedral kids anywhere, I'm like, who's going to light my car on fire? And then you guys are going to beat us 62 to nothing next year. Sweet. Thanks, guys. Okay, Sarah Marley.

When I would get in trouble, my mom chased me around the house with my dad's old wooden frat paddle to spank me. I don't know why that just grossed me out for some reason. Frat paddle. Why do sororities have paddles she'd be hysterically laughing like a psycho while i was running for my life yeah i remember that i remember not with a frat paddle my dad would like snap that over his knee oh dude my parents always used to chase me around the house. I'm sorry.

You're not catching me. This is my shit. Running around the house fast? I practice running around the house fast when my sister's chasing me in the house. Four times a day, seven days a week. And you think you're just gonna chase

me down and spank me? I know all the moves. I guarantee I was the fastest house runner in the Midwest. Maybe in the country when I was 12. You know, like when you get in that coffee table? You're running in the house, dodging stuff, like they're on chairs behind you. So they trip over them. And then you like get to the coffee table and it's like the showdown.

If I go right, you go left. If I go left, you go right. What if I crawl on the table? Then what? And then you get away. And then you like go up to, when you go up the stairs, you like kind of lose some speed because you got to slow down to get ready to go up the stairs. And you're like, I put both hands over your ass.

No, I still did. I'm so traumatized from getting my ass smacked when I'm going up the stairs. I still go up the stairs like that. The backs of my hands are on my ass cheeks. Every time I go up the stairs, just in case somebody is like every stare,

every stare, even on like escalators for like 20 seconds in jc penny what's he doing he got his ass smacked a lot growing up so he just does that and he has ptsd post-traumatic smack disorder yeah the wooden spoon thing though i don't think i ever got hit with maybe in like the arm with the wooden spoon never the ass but frat paddle that made that punishment like a thousand times worse okay joey brunk 9 p.m curfew on the weekends in high school. And if the sun was outside in the summer, we had to be outside. Yeah, actually. Yeah, dude, I swear to God, my curve. I got in trouble one year in high school. 7 p.m.

7. My mom was like, 7. 7. 7 p.m. What happens before 7 p.m.? You like clean a closet out? Like there's nothing that happens before 7 p.m.

Yeah, but when the sun was out, if the sun was outside in the summer, we had to be outside. That's such a rule. When I was with my cousins and stuff, when I was with my cousins and stuff at my grandparents, we weren't even allowed inside. We had to ask.

We'd be like, hey, can I come inside and get a drink of water? And they'd bring it outside. They'd be like hey can i come inside and get a drink of water and they'd like they'd bring it outside they'd be like here no they'd open the door like crack it and like put their hand out like we were like wild wild tigers we'd grab the cup and drink it in one second drain drink with your whole mouth open. Like a family party. Not allowed inside. Psycho stuff your parents did.

What about locking you in the garage when you misbehaved without the lights on? That might be a nine. Locking you in the garage is like, I get it. I get that, but the lights, that's like some crazy shit. God, even like a stray dog you'd keep a light on. You're a kid. No. Think about what you did.

Alright, alright, here we go. Psycho stuff your parents did. Instead of a normal time out, we had to stand in the corner with our arms raised in the air. Ah! Like, how do you do that to someone as a punishment? That is psycho.

I guess that's kind of like the same thing as like doing... Like, okay, you're going to cuss? You do 50 push-ups. Stand in the corner with our arms raised in the air. Oh, that is kind of psycho. That is a little bit like over the... Like, whoa. Like a little bit of psycho. That is a little bit like over the, like, whoa. Like a little bit of abuse.

I think an eight. Psycho level eight. Psycho stuff your parents did as a kid. Captivating Capricorn underscore. Capricorn underscore. My parents made me sleep in their walk-in closet for a week because i wouldn't stop sneaking out of the house every time i see a walk-in closet i'm like this could be someone's room

i've got like a walk-in closet fetish every time i see one i'm like i bet i could like make a living in here. They always look so comfortable. Like, if I was in there and working on something, I'd be so focused. Alright. Psycho stuff your parents did. K-Burms. In fifth grade, my mom whipped a potato at my

head. With such force, my face smacked the table. Damn. All because I couldn't stop staring at myself in the mirror while doing homework what were you in homework over the sink because i wouldn't stop staring at myself in the mirror do it that is so true though like that is such a true story you can tell because no one would ever just come up with that. Stop staring at yourself. A potato.

Psycho stuff your parents did. Allie Bryant 89. She got a belly button piercing so I wouldn't get one. It worked. Oh shit. That sucks. Did she like rock it though? Cause I would've been pissed off if your mom was just like stunting with a belly button piercing.

Maybe you guys had a pool too. Damn. Alright. Grand Central Bain Station. all right grand central bain station god that's a crazy instagram name decorated a wooden spoon with googly eyes and pipe cleaners for hair to spank our asses when we were bad. Also had different ethnicity spoons, dark spoons and light spoons. All right, that's psycho. That's psycho.

That's 10. God, that's actually scary. I should have known by your Instagram name. Grand Central Bains. God damn it, gross like one spoon would be fluid with the eyes and the hair is psycho maybe like an eight but the different ethnicities like you like this too much. That's 10. Damn, that's crazy. Ah, God, this dude's name is so long I can't even say it.

Instead of keeping me from falling down some stairs, went to get the camera and make some vids. God, how long were you falling? That they had enough time to get the camera and make videos. You're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and make videos you're like oh oh oh oh for like 20 minutes your mom's like shuffling through like her closet to find the camera hold on honey it's not a second this is mallory louise my stepmom locked me in a room when the wrong person asked me to prom. They didn't like them, so I couldn't come out until I agreed. How did your parents know who was the right and wrong person to go? My parents didn't even know what prom was.

If I was like, I'm going to prom, they'd be like, what is that short for? That's pretty crazy, but I think the psycho part of this is that your step parents knew who the right person was for you to go to prom with. My parents had no idea who went to my school, nothing. They're like, we know your three friends. That's it. All right, here we go. Wester Media. Psycho stuff your parents did.

Jeopardy 730 every day, even if we were grounded or just got out of the hospital, literally. Jeopardy 730. Be there or we're going to be even more grounded. You had to watch jeopardy jeopardy 7 30 every day even if we were grounded or just got out of the hospital literally jeopardy 7 30 that's a weird family little tradition you probably know a lot of random shit wetster. That's kind of psycho, I guess. Every day? Doot doot doot.

That's Jeopardy noise. That's like all your parents said. Like, Mom, can I go to my friend's house? Doot doot doot. They didn't even say no. And Bakes 3. Psycho stuff your parents did. My dad wouldn't allow me to leave the dinner table

till i drank a whole glass of milk still don't drink milk because of that god i hate when dads do that i remember that i did the same shit man my dad wouldn't let me go upstairs until i finished this glass of milk so i was like i'm thirsty and i poured a whole glass of milk or he did it for me and i only had like a sip He's like you got fat It's like I'm seriously gonna throw up like this isn't water. This is like from a cow Alex McKinley psycho stuff your parents did sometimes my mom would play dead play dead sometimes i would play dead with my brother and i just to see our reactions if she actually died like laying there for a good 30 minutes while we screamed that's psycho but i've definitely done that with my cousin

like we were jumping on the trampoline forever and it was just like no it was just like a boring day and i just laid on the trampoline for like ever just to see if he would like call the cops so i get it i'd be scared like like if my mom played dead i'd like try to like save her though and then i would probably actually kill her. I'd like put a plunger on her mouth. Mom! Or I'd try to give her like a mouth to mouth. Like I'd seriously do something stupid like that.

Imagine giving someone mouth to mouth. Like lifeguards have to be like, God damn it. Mouth to mouth, like mouth to mouth that that's in so many movies I've never seen anyone do it in real life. We gotta give a mouth-to-mouth Kaylee Korek Psycho stuff your parents did told me the ice cream man only played music when they were out of ice cream. Oh. That's dope. That's not psycho. That's genius.

Wow. Okay, there's like 7,000 more. Hold on. Psycho stuff your parents did. Katie JP. Spanking me on my bare ass when I was bent over his knees. Ew. And I was like six. He pulled down.

Okay, I'm not reading this anymore. Alright. That was wild. I gotta say the craziest one was that spoon. With the different ethnicities. That actually scared me a little bit. That's a 10. A lot of them kind of understandable.

Raking the whole ass baseball complex, though? What, like, a parent thing to do. Now you're going to do some labor. Okay, it's getting kind of late on the pod. So I'm going to do viral in days. But if you sent in psycho parent stuff, thank you. And I'm going to do, I'm going to do something next week too. But we like, it's just getting, it's about to be like an hour.

So let's go viral. Okay. Hashtag bored snack food. God, we never had any food growing up. I never have any food now. I wonder if there'll be a day where I just have, probably not in my whole life, where I just have like a bunch

of snacks at my house it just seems dangerous honestly if I think I had a ton of snacks at my house I would just eat it all in one day remember that when your mom used to like go to the grocery store and you'd eat everything that she just bought literally in an hour like my mom would get two dope things from the grocery store. That was a big day. When your mom would go to the grocery store, you'd be like, what if she got something crazy? My mom would get like

the special things my mom would get would be like grapes and like Little Debbie snacks. Like very rare. But we'd get like Swiss cake rolls and grapes. And then if it was, like, somebody's birthday, she'd get, like, something super wild. Like, Gushers or something. Gushers were, like, $89.99.

She never would have got those. But, like, something kind of like that. Maybe, like, Scooby-Doo fruit snacks. We'd be like, oh, my God! But, like, the Swiss cake rolls and grapes would be gone in one hour because we just never had it so i was like hashtag i was destined to be i think about this all the time if i didn't like

do what i'm doing now i swear oh man i don't know what I swear to god I'd be like a bald pharmaceutical sales rep with three kids just so rich and it has a house and like fishers I hope you guys would kill me. Ew, man. The worst wife. Hashtag, I ordered too many. I don't know if that's like a thing passed down from my dad or something, but I always get too much stuff.

Like, when I want something, I always get like six of it like we'd always be over at like my grandparents like hanging with my cousins and stuff when we were younger and we'd always go we'd always get like pizza randomly like when my grandparents didn't feel like cooking we'd get pizza and it'd be like hype and my dad would always get like literally 17

and we'd all be like, tight, but like why? We'll have some for later. I'm like, we're only going to be here for two more hours. Hashtag unlikely imaginary friend advice. You ever meet somebody that like that like uh like you like or like that is really cool and you imagine yourself with them all day like when I meet somebody cool I'm like

I act like I'm with them all day and I'm like saying stuff to them am I crazy yes definitely when you meet somebody you like like a girl or something, that is weird. Especially when I was a kid. Like, my throat keeps making all these noises, and I can't deal with it anymore.

But if I liked a girl or something in, like, I don't know, like fifth grade or something like that, I would imagine that she was with me the whole day. Like even after school, I'd be like acting like we were like, like practicing talking to her. I don't do that now or anything. Like rehearsing lines to myself in my room. So like, what would your last meal be? I think mine would probably be lasagna. Did you say you like lasagna too?

I can't remember if he said he'd like lasagna or not. No, I can't say that. Do girls do that? I don't think girls I swear to God, girls play it so smooth around dudes they like. I'm like damn, how do you do that? Guys are so like Nah, but that's a thing for sure.

That is weird. Especially when you're like in the car. Oh my God. At the store. That's my number one like date. Like number one fantasy date. If I had to pick, people would be be like i want to go to malibu yeah i'm like kroger i swear to god that's the most fun thing

so much relatable like stuff because i like grew up in a grocery store, I swear to God. I was, like, baptized in the lobster tank. All right. Hashtag, I can tell by my, I can tell my age by, I can tell my age by, I think the songs that get stuck in my head. Every time I'm singing a song around people that are younger than me, I'm like, they have no idea what this is. Fuck. It doesn't help that every time I'm around younger people,

I'm like, living la vida loca. Living la vida loca. Come on! Upside inside out! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I don't know, but every song that's stuck in my head is from

Now Too. I think those are like the first songs I comprehended when I grew up. That's why. That's why they're stuck in my head. I swear to God, we listened to Now Too everywhere we went I promise, Outlet Mall, Now Too Target, Now Too

Mall, Now Too yes, the only place we went was to shop cause I spent my entire childhood with women bones cracking, yeah I saw this and somebody said bones cracking but my bones have cracked like ever since I was a kid. Like I can't walk

I can't sneak anywhere because my ankles are like. If I try to rob a bank they'd be like yeah. You need something deposit or withdrawal i'm like all black on sneaking around all like stealth i'm like on the wall but my knees are like hashtag that's the only reason I'm single. I don't really know why. Man, I've been single for like my whole life, it seems like. Or I try to be anyway. Every time I have a girlfriend, I just feel like I'm just getting yelled at.

Or I'm like letting them down, you know? This podcast is getting kind of real. Probably because I'm doing it at 2.13 AM. But like, I think, I think I like them too much. When I have a girlfriend, I like, and I get like, I'm like, God, it just takes over my life. That's probably why I don't do it. When I have a girlfriend, I'm like, I act like I'm like, I act like I'm married to him. And then I'm like, I like lose my whole personality. I'm like, yes.

Uh-huh. Yes. How was today? Oh, God. I hate me. Dude, I'm a weird person when I get married. I'm like a totally different person, I think. I don't know.

I don't know if I could go back to that. I'm going to have a girlfriend like tomorrow. I don't want to be that person tomorrow I'm like I have like initials in my bio With a heart next to it Okay that was two days That was weird

Days Wednesday National I love horses day Oh my god After I talked about horses for like 20 minutes on that one podcast horses scare the shit out of me you ever see a horse at night it's terrifying like i don't know why but i like walked by a field one night i mean i saw a horse and i was like i think i ran like at night what if you looked outside your window and you saw a horse like a horse's head ah horse's heads is anything larger

oh my god in their eyes dude horses are so weird god that's scary all Alright. National Tapioca Pudding Day. I think if I ever get a dog, I'm gonna name him Tapioca. Girl or guy? Tapioca. Tap! That'd be cool. Don't steal that. If you steal that, you better tell me. But don't do it.

National Gummy Worm Day. If I had, like, six gummy worms worms i like my whole entire face hurts i'm like ah like my cheekbones and like temples hurt that is so weird i used to be able to house sour patch kids i used to like not even eat i'd like drink sour patch kids now if i have like six i'm like cut my head off and call me becky thursday national corn fritters day that sounds disgusting Like, cut my head off and call me Becky. Thursday, National Corn Fritters Day. That sounds disgusting. Fritters.

Like, who's the fattest guy in the world that invented that word, fritters? Nothing worse than the restaurant in Indianapolis, the barbecue restaurant, called Squealers. Oh, and of course it's my dad's favorite restaurant. Of course. And my dad's like, what? I'm like, do you not... National Personal Chef's Day. God, why do all chefs think they're like

the president of the United States? Yeah, uh-huh. Like, okay, man, just because you can fucking make some collard greens. Friday. Friday, National World Emoji Day. My number one used emoji is the laugh one with the eyes that look like, not the cry face emoji for sure i think that's like so played out sometimes i guess it's appropriate but like the emoji where

it's like and his eyes are like squinted the one i like recently is the uh the guy that's red and he has his tongue out and he's like it's like really hot you know like the eyes i've always been a you know, like the eyes. I've always been a big fan of the eyes that are like looking to the right. The guy with the star eyes. I like that one too. These are all of my frequently used. And the one that's like this.

The one that has its mouth like shit. I always use that one. So at one point in time, people thought that was a smile like i had this girlfriend that would send me that all the time and i'd be like what you're nervous about what she'd be like can't wait to see you in that face and i'd be like what it'd be so it already was confusing like she was confusing, and then that on top of it. I was like, yeah, I can't even. What are you doing tonight? It's so stupid. Saturday.

National Strawberry Rhubarb Day. Mmm, damn. That's like a deal breaker for me. Like, if I'm kind of like friends with somebody, and then they say they like rhubarb, I'm like, all right, you're coming to my Christmas. That's it. Sunday, National Ice Cream Day.

It's Friday and Sunday. Friday is like the most hype day to get ice cream, but Sunday is like when you need it Sunday at like 6pm it's like what am I getting okay alright I'll finish up the

parent physical abuse stories next week shot 115 the parent physical abuse stories next week. Shot 115. Thanks for listening. Remember to follow me on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok,

get a cameo, everything at Benedict Polizzi. Thanks for sending in all those DMs too. I still, I literally still have like 50 to do, but I do them next week i promise not really yeah i'll do something next week okay i'll talk to you guys next week ifm what the hell are you doing out here friend