Espresso - relationship songs

Episode Date: May 6, 2020

wtf is hydrocortisone | monkeys CAN drive | dudes feet | hit by a train 

uh hold on hold on hold on okay oh my god it's the most dramatic opening of a podcast in the world. Oh my god, 50 Cent. That was like me and my middle school girlfriend's song. This song. Yeah, right. yeah right our song should have been like down on the bay in the hanky panky where the i don't even know what song that is but just the widest song ever but this

sent this to a quarter century could i count on you to be there to support me mentally this. I would never say that in sixth grade. I don't even say that now, but I should. What's up? Shot, um, hold on. It's not like a part I like is coming up or anything. Sixth grade. At the movie theater. Next to now. At the movie theater. Would you love me if I was down and out? Next to the arcade at the movie theater. Would you still have love for me? Girl, it's easy to love me now. Woo! Would you love me if I was down and out?

A friend in the background. Woo! Would you still have love for me? Before your mom picks you up and asks if there were guys there too And then you respond and you lie Would you still have love for me on Monday When you see me for the first time in computer class, girl Alright, shot 105

Yeah, dude, a lot of people hit me up on the last after the last shot i was like hit me up if you listen to this because i don't even know and like probably 10 people were like yeah dog keep doing your thing so that was tight thank you so much it was a fun podcast and if you guys ever have any questions or anything, just hop in the DMs and ask. And I'll talk about them on here. Maybe I should release like an official. I'll put it on my story. If you have questions or you just want me to talk about something, anything, literally I'll talk about it.

My voice like cracked at the end of that. Literally anything, I'll talk about it. Girl. I always picked like the wrong song. You you always had like your song with your I had this one girlfriend like in eighth grade and she was really like we weren't the same like person at all but she was just like hot so I was like yeah uh because who knows you know but but we were like trying to decide our song that was like, yeah. Because who knows, you know? But we were, like, trying to decide our song. That was, like, the thing. Like, what's our song going to be?

We got to have a song. She, like, put it in our away messages and stuff. And we were, like, debating on it. And I, like, the only thing I listened to at the time in eighth grade, obviously, was, like, rap. And still do. I literally wanted this to be our song. Because I, like, didn't know.. I just, because I didn't know.

I didn't, I was just like, a tight song. This is so stupid. Oh my God. I literally, like, this song was just tight at the time. So I was like, what if this is our song? I didn't even, like, think anything of, like, the, you know, the metaphor between, like, me and a girl sharing a song this song

she's like i don't know hold on this song is actually hard i forgot about that song that she goes so hard but i just like that song so i was like yeah it'd be tight oh my god she's like what about like i don't know like it's a like it's not like for a relationship and i was like yeah yeah yeah definitely not like it's like it's not like for a relationship and I was like yeah yeah yeah definitely not like it's like too much I just said that because I liked it not that it makes me think of you or anything but she's like what about like OAR I don't even know what OAR is god people loved going to OAR concerts OAR this weekend. Come on. I can never be like,

I can never be like, yeah, this really makes me think of you. In the morning, wake me up and tell me everything. You can understand my dream I could be anywhere What's you and your girl's song? Nothing, it's just kind of between us. Tell us, man, come on. It's This Town by O.A.R. Be the way they want it

This town, this night, this crowd Come on, put them up there Oh, that's cool, yeah. Make them vibrate. So what's up? Shot 105, let's talk. Dude, my dad's been, I can like kind of cut hair, low-key cut hair. Been like doing it just, I don't know why I ever started doing it I think it's because my mom used to cut my hair when I was a kid so I was like oh if she can do it I can like do it who can't do it because it is kind of like 10 bucks for a haircut every time god my mom

used to give me haircuts and it used to be the worst day of my life just slapping my head around. I remember this one time I intercepted a note going from girl to girl in my class. But I think it was from this girl I liked or something. And she was being weird one day. And I read the note because I was like, damn, this is probably going to really be about me. And I read it and it said, damn this is probably gonna really be about me and I read it and it said like yeah everything's cool whatever dot dot dot Ben got a haircut dot dot dot and at that that moment I was like holy shit my mom sucks at cutting hair I like never knew it was just like

for the first like two days it'd be like uh then after that i'd be like all right yeah it's cool it's cool thanks mom say thanks bomb hey bomb he's always used to say that instead of mom hey bomb yeah yes but um so i started doing that. I started cutting hair, cut through college. My dad this weekend was like, he's been kind of asking me like, hey, you cut hair a little bit, huh? And I was like, would you touch me up? Gross. But dude, I did.

It was the weirdest thing. I cut my dad's hair. It's like the eighth time I've touched my dad in my life I don't even know man oh my god I've never I think I've touched my dad twice one time I had to get my oh my god one time my dad was just housing this watermelon okay when one like it was like a cookout it was just me and my dad we were like grilling and stuff i don't even know why i was at his house just like chilling and he he got this watermelon he cut it up into like pretty big chunks like not every time my dad cuts something

it's like the biggest portions and it's just it's like like if he made a frozen pizza, he'd cut it in half and be like, here it is. I'm like, dude. But, okay, he cuts watermelon in, like, these giant ass pieces. And he puts it in this container, and he's just. Like, me too, though. I'm, like, going in there every once in a while. But, like, it's going down. Just watermelon, like, it's free for all. all of a sudden he's like and i'm like oh he must be coughing or something he's like

i'm like oh my god are you okay and he doesn't say anything he gives me like this he gives me i'm like oh damn he's like really is choking? And he whips open the screen door, goes out on the deck. And he's like, I'm like, Hey, you need, are you need something? You need water? And he's like, I'm like, dude, he's choking on watermelon. No shit. Cause the pieces are so big. And I went out there and I was like, you need, are you choked? And he's choking on watermelon No shit cause the pieces are so big And I went out there and I was like you need And he's like what's wrong And he's like I'm hokin

I'm never for I'm hokin And I'm like yeah you need and he's like So he's just out on the deck And he's like looking towards the street And he's like instead of like I don't know how you go about what you do When you're choking I guess you like try to hit yourself on the back or something.

But he was like, he just started yelling out the watermelon. He's like, and I like didn't, I like didn't know how to like what to do. And I was like, you want me to give me, give me the, he's like, like didn't know how to like what to do and i was like you want me to give me give you the he's like i'm like hit your back like i've never like like i'm about to hit this dude i've never touched him so i'm like like halfway like beating on his back like not really but just like like not not effective at all just like is this what it is and i start i didn't know what to do so i start i like put my hands around him start trying to give him the heimlich for like two and it was just like worthless he was like ah so he goes back on the deck and he's like

and i laughed for two weeks. Like on the way to school the next day, like I was like, like that kind. Like that's enough. Okay. I know. Yeah. It was funny to him for like 10 minutes after, but then I just laughed for like two more. I'm like still laughing about it.

Every, you know, when you, when you have to like be quiet in a car when you when you're not supposed to laugh in a car and something so funny that that's what I was going through I was like looking at like the unlock button like like we used to we used to carpool these kids that live in our neighborhood every day at school yeah that was weird being like forced into a carpool I never wanted to say anything to anyone in a carpool I was like do not talk do not talk I just never knew what to say and I just didn't care god that's so weird do other kids talk a I never did. I never wanted to like in school. Sometimes it just, it would,

I guess it would just depend, but in school, like some, some grades, like I just didn't have a good class. I wouldn't talk like the whole year. I'd be like, I don't want to say anything this year.

So I cut his hair and it actually looked pretty dope. Is that what we were talking about? Yeah. That's what we were talking about. The second time I ever touched my dad, I cut his hair and it actually looked pretty dope. Is that what we were talking about? Yeah. That's what we were talking about. The second time I ever touched my dad. I cut his hair. Had no idea what I was doing. Like just took the highest guard on the hair clippers and just...

And of course there weren't my clippers, there were his dad's. So they're from like 1814. They still worked and stuff, but it was like, holy shit, duh. But he was like, how's it going? And I was like, we'll figure it out. Like things you don't want your barber to say. Didn't use any water. you don't want your barber to say.

Didn't use any water. Just... Actually, this weekend too was the first time, this is going to sound weird, but this weekend was the first time that I ever used nail clippers on my fingers. Is that weird?

To always bite your nails? Damn, that is so weird to always bite your nails damn that is so weird I kind of stopped biting my nails because I just wanted to I was like I just gotta stop it looks so gross I gotta stop but you know when you just got that nail and you're like I gotta get that I gotta get that I gotta get that it's like the only thing on your mind you're like I don't care what else happens right now I gotta get this part of my nail off. Like, you can literally stab me in the neck. I'm still gonna get it. I have a problem.

But, yeah, I use nail clippers. It's always my, like, smallest nail that grows the most. It's the weirdest thing. It's, like, an outstanding amount of nail compared to every other nail like it's like compensating for like the size of the finger it's got like my pinky oh i just said pinky nails i knew i was gonna do that little nails have like little man syndrome all the nails that don't matter grow the most like your ring finger oh god your ring finger and your little finger grow the most your thumb just doesn't grow just nope not that's it

not happening yeah but why is that why is why do fingernail clippers have to be like the most drastic sound of all time i could clip my nails at my apartment downtown and my mom could hear it in like Florida. Everybody knows. And I feel like it's like weird to do that. Like one time somebody, like one of our homies came over and I was like, damn,

I need to clip my nails really bad, but I'm not gonna. Cause like, wouldn't that be weird? Some things you just can't do with other people in the house. God, one time this girl came over. Oh, my God. And I, like, actually kind of liked her. She came over and, like, probably first time a girl's ever been, in our apartment that I've like been responsible for

so I was like oh Jesus Christ I hope everything's like clean it's already embarrassing to begin with just I hope everything's like okay and to me and my roommate go to the bathroom we don't shut the door and it's not gross because girls never shut the door when they go to the bathroom at least my sisters holy shit like bust in the bathroom what's going on oh sorry i didn't i mean the door shut the door but like that's how me and my roommate are and i did that when she was there and like mid pee i was like oh my god but i couldn't like turn around. I tried to like get it with my leg. I like had to like, I couldn't just go back out there and be like, so what's up anyway? Ring-a-ding-a-mick-a-mick-a-vibrate. Did you guys see that monkey that stole the kid?

The internet video of the, okay, a monkey pulled up on that bike. Everybody had to see this. The monkey pulled up on the bike and took the kid and almost kid. That's like my biggest fear is like, are like animals being as smart as us? They probably are. I bet a monkey could like drive a car. I bet a monkey could like drive a car. You give a monkey a key and like a, like a, what car would a monkey drive?

Like a Volkswagen Beetle. He'd be like, I'll see you guys on the flip. He has a stick shift. That's it. Now, maybe, I don't know if a monkey would sound like that. A monkey would probably be like... I guarantee he'd be a better driver than me. God damn.

When I drive now, I'm like, I shouldn't be allowed to drive anymore. Seriously. Every time I go through a light, I'm like, could have been anything. But that video was crazy. Like, why was that monkey trying to take that kid? Ever since I saw that, like, there's a video a video of like a monkey that made a spear to like hunt I've been like okay there goes our civilization I saw this tweet that was like for some reason eight times seven equaling 56 just doesn't sit right for me.

And that's the only one that actually does for me. There's a lot of multiplication tables where I'm like, I don't know about that. 6 times 7 equals 42. Not for me. All the 12s, honestly. Oh, my nose is bleeding right now i'm in stranger things you know when you had like an that was so weird in school when your nose would just start bleeding and you just had to go what was that did that mean you picked your nose all the time

i always have like a half nose bleed because i like wipe my nose and my nail like slice the inside of my nose and I'll be like, yep. See you in four, three, two, my nose is bleeding. I'm going to go wash my hands. Hold on. Okay, we're good. We're back. Yeah, it was weird when, I always thought it was weird when you'd get a nosebleed and people would be like, Pajama! Immediately they're like, Pajama! Pajama! So you'd be like this for like seven minutes.

You'd be like, oh my God, I want to look down so bad. Oh my God, I want to look down so, you'd like feel, oh gross, dude. I had this one and it was so bad. It just would not stop. And I was just like, what is this even doing? And I think it finally stopped. Literally, I think it took 17 minutes for my nose to stop. I was just swallowing blood for straight up 15 minutes.

Oh, God, I put my head down and all of it went in my mouth. So I just spit. I like spit in the sink and it was literally like a beating heart in the sink this is so gross it was so I don't know what it was in the sink but it was like it looked like a bloody fish like in the sink and it was one of those that were it was oh my god never mind i put out that tweet about like how hard it is to be like in charge of the aux cord on a party bus for a wedding oh i've had to do it every single time i'm like six for six one time i bombed completely bombed But I had like a hit And oh I wasn't prepared at all I was just like

Okay I can do this I think I'll do it Everybody just was like Yeah yeah yeah You got all the songs on your phone I was like Fuck Okay

But some of the replies Back to that tweet Were like Not if you're Not if you're me I only play bangers Like Okay party guy.

Okay, DJ Khaled. It's such a job. You can't even enjoy yourself. You pick a song, play it, and while it's playing, you're like, what's the next song? What's the next song? You can enjoy it for like 18 seconds. You're like, okay. Girl, the way you move it, right?

I know. Got me in a train. Okay, yo, I'll take one. DJ, turn me up. What's it called? Okay, now I got to think of the next song. Should it be, you're like looking through the list desperately asking your friends, who's next?

I don't know, bro. It's up to you. Fuck. DJ, turn me up. Come on now, ladies. This shit dance. I'm going to sip Moscato. Let's go viral.

Moscato. Let's go viral. And I'm going to throw this money to you. Do it with no more looking hands. Okay, now. Okay. Hashtag can't find. Hashtag can't find.

I can never find anything growing up. God, I was the worst at looking for stuff i still am i just have a vision of me like looking in like looking for like uh a bottle of like hydrogen peroxide or something if my mom was like go uh get the stuff to get hydrocortisone that's like the only thing we use growing up To do anything I could like break my leg and snap it in half My mom would be like Get the hydrocortisone baby Seriously every single thing You're breaking up?

Put hydrocortisone in You have a stomachache? Drink hydrocortisone But like that It would always be that And I could never find it I'd be like mom And she'd find it in.5 seconds

Guys can't find shit I can't find it Girl the way you move it Hashtag makes me say Mmm We used to do this thing In college in college and we always used to make fun of the way teachers like when you uh when you would be saying something or like answering a question or

talking to the class like presenting something instead of looking at the person that was presenting we look at the teacher and the teacher would always have like the biggest eyes and be like we always used to make that noise like when someone was like just silent like like one time we were studying for something and I'd just be like reading something in my head and the other person would be like, you know, making a note card for something. And like our default noise during that when we were doing that was. Watch any teacher Any level Then we started doing that when we were eating too Do you like the spaghetti?

It is pretty good isn't it? Mm-hmm. Do you like the spaghetti? Mm-hmm. It is pretty good, isn't it? Go the way you move it. Hashtag odd things to fear. I'm not even scared of actual scary stuff. I'm scared of the dumbest shit. Like returning a call to somebody. That shit is scarier than like

someone stalking me. I swear to God. Like if someone's stalking me, I'll be like, I don't know. It's just probably bullshit. But I have to like call somebody back for like a job. I'm like,

I just don't want the job anymore. Hashtag When I think out loud Hashtag when I think out loud God when I think out loud It's a disaster It's always so like halfway I'm like I wonder if he even said anything What did you say?

Nothing I'm just uh Hold on Or when I think out loud I'm just like Ah! Yeah I caught myself like cutting up a salad yesterday Not yesterday but like this past weekend And I thought of something just terrifying And I was like

Happens to be like 14 times a day It's like putting in my contact randomly I'm like ah I always get caught like every time I talk to myself somebody always catches me and then I always act like I'm I was just singing a song like I was

walking outside like on a college campus, like on a Wednesday, like everybody's around, everybody's walking to their classes and stuff. One time I was walking outside the cafeteria and I didn't think anybody could see me. And I was like, I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to. And I was like doing stuff with my hands. I was like, oh no, oh no was like oh no oh no I wanna you know I wanna I wanna someone

I'm a baba like repeating the same thing in my head and I got a text from like one of my friends that was like always clowning me and he was like dude were you just talking to yourself

I was like nah I was just singing a song but anytime anybody like walks in a room that I'm in when I'm talking to myself I'm always nah I was just singing a song But anytime anybody like walks in a room That I'm in when I'm talking to myself I'm always like Girl the way you're moving got me in You're like It's my life

And it's now or never And somebody's like what'd you say And you're like I was just singing They're like oh Okay what were you singing Jon Bon Jovi It's my life I was just singing They're like Oh Okay What were you singing? Jon Bon Jovi It's My

Life Bon Jovi was like The only CD I could get When I was a kid All my friends were getting Like cool Like Nellyville and stuff Like cool CDs

The coolest CD I had Was literally Bon Jovi And I don't even think it was mine. I think it was my sister's and I just like acted like it was mine. Bon Jovi. That was like what we listened to. My sister always

had the weirdest CDs. Sugar Ray. Isn't that weird? That's like where you get your taste from or just people you're around Doesn't explain why I like the Backstreet Boys though Cause nobody in my family liked the Backstreet Boys I guess it's just what was like popular on the radio So I was like you uh I used to put my stereo

I used to put my stereo out the window of my room And just blare britney spears and like backstreet boys just like poppy shit and just scream it out my window more than i do it's not enough for you i don't wanna lose it because i'm not like that Then finally, finally And I look back and my sister would just have my door open Staring at me for the past 15 seconds And I'd be like, I I remember one time

It was that Backstreet Boys song that was like You're the one for me You're my ecstasy You're the one I need i was screaming that out of my window just like to see if somebody would hear because the foot traffic on the street behind my house is like one person per seven hours i just wanted to see if anybody would hear it but instead of you're the one for me, you're my ecstasy. Instead of saying, it might not even be ecstasy.

I think it is, though. It makes sense. Instead of saying ecstasy, I was saying, you're the one for me, you're my extra seed. And she was like, those aren't the words. What are you doing anyway? It was the most embarrassing thing of all time. And a lot of that happened. And a lot of that happened I do remember one time I got in trouble for this when I was a kid

Like my sister Was playing with Barbies Or she just had Barbies This must have been so long ago I must have been literally five Or six Damn I was a horny little bitch when I was six and like she was acting like a slipper no maybe I did this I don't know she just had barbies out

and I think yeah she was acting like a slipper was their car she like put like two barbies in there and was like driving around like in the slipper and their car She like put like two Barbies in there And was like driving around like in this slipper And I took all Like she like left or something or like went downstairs And I ripped all their clothes off Made them all kiss and then left the room She got back and was like what the Mom

And I was like wow how am I going to explain that one I thought it was like funny I was like ha ha yeah Cause what if going to explain that one? I thought it was like funny. I was like, ah, yeah, because what if? But she like, I like ruined her game, you know, when you have like a story going. When you have like a story going with some action figures or some Barbies and like somebody just wrecks it or like puts them all away. You're like, wow. Okay. Yeah, that's what I did. Only they all got naked.

All right. Now that I talked about what I wanted to talk about. Let's do days. You're the one for me. God, all I do on this goddamn podcast is sing. Wednesday, National Nurses Day. Man, can't really make fun of nurses anymore, huh? Whoops. That's all I used to do

Nah but Props to the nurses And all the healthcare people For real That's crazy dude Can you even imagine National Beverage Day Every time somebody says beverage I think of like a Mike's Hard Lemonade first.

First thing, would you like a beverage? I'm like, okay, so we're getting drunk. Would you like a beverage? I hate how Mike's Hard, God, my mom always used to drink Mike's Hard Lemonade, and I'd be like, hell yeah. I hate how those are like frowned upon. What do you drink? Mike's Hard? Like yeah. It's fire.

Obviously. And the bottle looks cool. That's like half the reason I do anything is because it looks cool. Like any reason I like any team is because they look cool. That's it. That's it. That's it.

National Crepe Suzette Day. Crepes. Crepes. Oh, that's like the French dessert. Yeah. Damn. We had this day growing up at our school

called Tour de France. Dude, and we all brought our bikes to school the night before this day. This sounds like a dream I had. By the way, has everyone's dreams been crazy during the last four weeks? I actually remember my dreams. But we all brought our bikes in, we all just, we had like teams. This was a tight thing about my school. We always did like stuff in groups, like within each other, within our grades.

I thought that's crazy to me. I don't know if other schools did that, but like, like they take one, like from fourth through eighth grade, they take like three kids in each grade and like group them up as a team. Like that's dope. And there'd be like different stations around the school and we do like everything. The theme was tour de France. We had like t-shirts that we tie dyed whoever like,

damn, that's a tight day. But one of the stations was crepes and it was like, I'll always a weird like cafeteria worker. Like, okay. And I put the cherries in. Why are lunchroom people such a different breed?

But that's where I had my first crepe, and it tasted like crap probably. It tasted like crepe. National bike to school day. Yep. Damn, the last day of school ever in high school. Me and the last day of school ever in high school, me and, uh, the last day of school in high school, this sounds so stupid, but my mom had a moped for some reason. That's the dumbest sentence I've ever said.

My mom has a moped. My mom had a moped for some reason when I was a senior in high school and like, for like three days, like the for like three days like the last like three days of school my mom was just like yeah she was just saying yeah to shit that she didn't used to say yeah to and I was like oh what but we were like hey can me and Joe and Aaron ride the moped to school just hit my head on the mic again it was the weirdest thing Joe my friend spent the night at my house, last day of school. He's riding the moped, and I'm hugging his back.

So I'm basically like, if we were laying down sideways, we would have been cuddling. I was cuddling him on a moped on the way to school for the last day. We laughed for the 45 minutes it took to ride to school. I lived like five minutes away. Thursday. National roast leg of lamb day. Huh. National world password

day. I never know my passwords and even if I do I don't even. Cause I don't want to like fail. That's so stupid. Cause sometimes you'll be on a website and you like type it in wrong twice. And it was like, you have one more attempt and you're like, holy shit. Um, wow. Uh, just a sec computer. I feel like they're my boss at that point. I'm like, can I use the restroom? Do you mind? I'll never know my Apple ID.

Friday. Friday. National Coconut Cream Day. Coconut cream always looks good. Like, coconut cream pie looks banging, but you know it would suck. Coconut, to me, just kind of ruins shit. Sorry, coconut gang, but sometimes it does. Like a coconut cake, I'd be like, why is that all over it?

Why'd you do that to the cake? Why'd you hurt the cake? Maybe a piece of coconut cake is fine. But like a whole cake? Damn. National have a Coke day. Sometimes a frosty Coke just sounds good. Every time after you drink a Coke. Coke.

you can't not do that hmm yeah sometimes it just sounds good National Oh my god how many nurse days are there Saturday National lost sock Memorial day Dude and I used to lose a sock

When I I sleep with my socks on obviously I have to I get attached to shit I shouldn't get attached to like if I'm wearing a hoodie for too long like I kind of like in it I should take it off I just won't I'd do that with my backpack did I wear my backpack for four weeks sleeping in it like sometimes if there's not a lot of stuff in my backpack I'll I'll want to like get in my car and buckle my seat belt with it still on but I do that with socks too like I'll put on a fret oh god baby this sounds weird but I'll put like I'll take a shower and talking about socks oh god, I'll take a shower and talking about socks.

Oh God, baby. I'll take a shower and like put fresh socks on. It like feels good. You know, we don't go, uh, we don't go bare feet in my apartment. That's just kind of the unwritten rule, but that would be weird. Just having your like bare feet out with another dude in your apartment. Cause dude's feet. I mean, come on. I haven't even looked at my feet in like five years.

Oh, shit. Dude's feet. The most un... Like, who cares? Does anyone care? Girls don't care. Guys don't care. Nobody cares about guys' feet.

God, what a disaster. It shouldn't even happen. Yep, when they're kids, we cut them off and just put some flippers on there. It's just better for everybody. But I was just, okay, so you take a shower, you put some fresh socks on. And, like, by the time it's, the time it I like get in my bed I'm like damn like Kinda don't wanna part ways

Yeah backpacks Hoodies And socks Just don't wanna take them off sometimes But yeah losing a sock In the middle of the night That is the worst feeling Waking up with one sock on I like punch my wall

What the How come you can never find it It's always in like the weird I'm like how did it get between like The sheets on my mom's bed National Moscato Day. Girl, the way you're moving. Every time I hear the word

Moscato, I think of this. Listen to me, Trang. Girl, the way you're moving got me in a trance. DJ, turn me up. Ladies, this your jam. I'm a soft Moscato. There it is. This is so edited. Like, what are they doing right there?

What are they doing right there? Right here. What are they doing right there? Right here. What are they doing? He's like fixing a tire. Oh, we're recording? Okay, um, what else? National Butterscotch Brownie Day? Butterscotch is such like an old person thing i'm sick of it being an old person thing though why do they like butterscotch so much it sounds old but butterscotch ice cream like if you can get past the old people thing kind of bangs

national sleepover day sleepovers were such a big deal growing up i could never do them my parents would let me never let me sleep at my friend's house they'd be like we'll pick you up at eight we'll drop you back off in the morning if you want to at 6 a.m it's like all the fun stuff never mind i always would though and i always get back at like come back to their house at 8 45 like ring the doorbell all my i like missed out on everything cool they like didn't even know who i was when i got there the next day they'd be like oh bro what'd you have to do and i'd be like I just had to, I'd make something up. I just had to landscape. Then they like wouldn't do anything.

The next day I'd be there for like four hours where like their moms are picking them up. I'd be like, why am I even here? National Babysitter's Day. Our babysitter growing up was always on the phone god babysitting has to be the easiest job of all time kids are always on like their best behavior for the babysitter i feel like like you'd never be bad to to like a babysitter because you always like

respect them way more than your parents. That's such easy money for girls. Dudes are never babysitters. How weird would that be? Yeah, I'll watch over them. That's so funny. That's not even like a thought for a guy to be a babysitter. If guys were babysitters, they'd

just like, God, what a disaster. Alright guys, like two two-year just like, God, what a disaster. All right, guys. Like two two-year-olds, I'd be like, I got these fireworks upstairs. You want to check them out? National Dog Moms Day. Dog mom. Every bio on Instagram.

Like, do we, is it, do you have, we see the dog in all your pictures girls taking pictures with dogs god the happiest they've ever been take a picture of their boyfriend kinda happy take a picture of the dog I'm kinda jealous honestly when girls take pictures with dogs I'm like fuck that guy

that mad national train day i can't believe there's still trains around every time i see oh man how annoying is that when a train like stops you from like when a train like holds you up it's so weird telling someone like hey man i'll be like five minutes late because of a train like holds you up. It's so weird telling someone like, hey man, I'll be like five minutes late because of a train. It's like a law. You have to like record it and put it on your Instagram story when there's a train. Gonna be late. I swear to God on my driver's ed test, like driver's ed test, like the final test.

I almost got hit by a train. I swear to God, like I don't know what I was doing but that it was like the number one thing in driver's ed like don't get hit by a train literally and I almost did like I just like I didn't know what was going on I was like I guess all can I am I supposed to go like it was one of those train tracks that was, like, low-key and didn't have, like, the arm that came down in front of you. So I was just, like, it was, like, off in the distance, and I was like, I think I should go. I mean, it's, like, definitely not going to hit me.

And then, like, it got there so quick. And the lady, my, like, teacher, our P.E. teacher, had this, like, slam on the student brakes. Like, if she wasn't there. Like, how bad at driver's ed did she have to be to get hit by a goddamn train? I saw her calf, like, flexing, stepping on the pedal. So it was like, I don't know. Maybe I was, like, blacked out or something.

But she, like, was like, I eat shit a lisp. She's like okay politcy choo-choo politcy like i wonder like she was cool and she knew i could like drive like damn she definitely helped me out on that evaluation like stopped at all the stop signs good touch on the brakes did his turn signal while left, and almost got mauled by a train. Oops. I can't believe they let us drive when we're 16. You ever think about that?

Like, I'm almost 30, and I'm still trying to start my car sometimes when it's already on. That noise your car makes when you try to start it and it's already on. It's like, ah! It's like when you step on your dog on accident. It's like, ah! It's like the same. You're like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. National archery day.

God, that's the hardest thing ever. We had to do that at a camp one time. Like with like a fake bow and arrow. We like tried to try to do it. Like one kid the whole time got it to go like seven yards in the air without it like...

God, that was hard to do. They're like, don't go by the targets. You could get hit in the temple and die. And of course I completely forgot and went to go run up there and get my arrow. They're like, don't go by the targets. You could get hit in the temple and die. And of course, I completely forgot and went to go run up there and get my arrow. They're like, hi! National Miniature Golf Day. I did a lot of that when I was a kid. That was like our thing.

Putt-putt. I remember right after I beat my dad, I retired forever. Beat him, and I was like, I'm never playing again. That's it. I always just wanted to smack it as hard as I could. Like, like driving range style for putt-putt, though. Oh. My whole family did that.

Like, every, like, both sides of of my family we always went putt putt it's so easy it's so date god damn I'd love I'd definitely lose I'd lose to girls in every god damn thing

I do now like playing a video game with a girl like Mario Kart or something L not winning Like playing a video game with a girl like Mario Kart or something. L. Not winning. National clean your room day.

I always used to think it was so hype and I'd move my room around when I was a kid. Damn, that was so cool. Mom, what if I put my bed against the wall? It's ugly. mom what if I put my bed against the wall it's ugly having your bed in the middle of the room is such like uh it's just in the middle of everything though I used to convince myself

like having my bed in the middle of the room like I can make my bed the easiest you always put it against the wall it's like so hard to get that side you're like damn it moving your room around then like leaving the whole day and then coming back and forgetting your rooms moved around you're like oh my god you you move your room and go to sleep and wake up and you're like

what oh yeah oh yeah i went ham last night national shrimp day I'm kind of over shrimp I was kind of obsessed with it for a while but then I saw shrimp like with the legs you know like a natural shrimp with like all the all the that's the most the sky's like wait they just like scrape those legs off and that's what we eat. After that, I was like, I'm not eating shrimp anymore. It's way too much. One time we like, we stayed in Orlando for a while, like me and my dad. And we bought all this food like for the whole week. I don't know why we even went just to like see my family and stuff.

And we were just there just doing nothing. And we bought a bunch of food but like my dad hates wasting food so we before we checked out it was it was the most like parent thing of all time made me like eat as much as a food as i could our checkout was at like 10 so like 8 30 i was just like putting down shrimp and meatballs and shit like before a flight so i had like a ring of i had like 22 shrimp before like 9 a.m we're not wasting this stuff come on eat as much as you can of course i was like i'm actually hungry so it's weird how parents make you do that shit.

Like, make you eat your food. You don't want it to do. I remember drinking a cup of milk, and my dad would not let me, like, put it down the drain. I was like, I don't want this milk. I'm so full. Like, milk. Ugh. And he's like, drink it.

And I drank it and ran upstairs so fast. Probably spit it out. Pah. Mother's Day Sunday. Whoops. Okay. Happy Mother's Day, everybody. Happy Mother's Day to all you

kings out there. And that's it. Shot 105. Thanks for listening. Remember to text me or DM me if you have like a question or something that you want me to talk about or give you a shout out.

I don't know. Just DM me. Remember to subscribe, rate, review the podcast. Follow me on Instagram at Benedict Polizzi. TikTok, Benedict Polizzi. Twitter, Ben Polizzi. And Polizzi Twitter Ben Polizzi and I'll talk to you next week

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