Espresso - rules you grew up with

Episode Date: June 8, 2021

This week Ben breaks down the fam's weird rules you grew up with (ˡⁱᵏᵉ ʷʳⁱᵗⁱⁿᵍ ᵃ ᵖᵃᵖᵉʳ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘ ᵍᵒᵗ ⁱⁿ ᵗʳᵒᵘᵇˡᵉ ᶠᵒʳ) He gets exposed with a wedding dress on, reenacts the creation of the Reading Rainbow intro song, talks about the time his dad returned only mustard to the store and makes the perfect 3-song mixtape. Ben talks about his nickname PISS BOY, he realizes guys with canes are terrifying, figures out how German chocolate cake was made then he goes #ViViViViral and does #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😎 UPCOMING SHOWS: Harrison Street Tavern, Russellville, IN 7:00/9:30 Helium Comedy Club, Indianapolis, IN June 18,19,20 𝐒𝐔𝐁𝐌𝐈𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐎𝐖𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐄𝐄𝐊 dm ben on instagram (@benedictpolizzi) →→→ 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄! 𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝗲𝗻!: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by WaveOne Media. If you want to start your own show, visit TheWaveOne.com. It's afternoon espresso. Espresso's! A symbol. Fuck, I sound good. I swear to God. Alright, we're just gonna start before I get off track. Shot 163. Yeah. Okay.

Wait, hold up. Dude, nobody is more, like, intimidating sounding than a Chinese guy when they get mad. Only Chinese guys can get this mad. Like after that, like after they fucking ramp up, that's the scariest noise of all time. That's up there with this shit. Actually, this, this might be the scariest noise. Holy fuck. This might be the scariest noise of all time. This noise.

That might be the scariest noise ever. That, or the Jason noise, or this. You're getting kicked in the fucking mouth. I'm so fucking violent right now because, dude, I was at an arcade yesterday. Right when I walked in, I was like, I'm six. I'm six now. Six, God, no. Six years old?

Yes. How come every time I walk into a place like that where I'm just ready to have fun my brain's like there's always got to be something wrong. My brain is like, I got sabotage brain. Every time everything's perfect, my brain's like, yeah, but just wait one second

mister. You're gonna have to piss and shit the whole time you're here. And I'm like, no! How come every time I'm in an arcade I've never had to pee so bad in my life, dude? After every time I won any game, be right back. Do that quick, like, mom

run to the fucking bathroom. Arms pumping so fast. The arm swings, mom moms do when they run. Yeah, but arcade was so dope. Oh, my God. I think I like doing shit like that because I never got to when I was a kid. We had an arcade in our mall.

And my mom wouldn't even let me look at it. I could go into Victoria's Secret, but when it came to the arcade she was like no we're going to fucking old navy bro i swear to god it was every it was every 15 minutes at the arcade if you have constipation just go to dave and busters Go to Dave and Buster's It was just like nostalgic as shit Playing games like you You like played when you were a kid Cruisin' Bro Cruisin'

Cruisin' is the best racing game of all time I don't give a shit if you like Mario Kart No Cruisin' I knew all the tricks and shit Cause when I was a kid, I studied arcade games. Because I never got to play them. I was just a kid watching like 10 feet back. So I saw everything they did.

And I was like, alright, alright. I can do this. When I get my chance. Alright, Arcade Talk with Benny Boy. What else went down? What's up, man? It's been a good week. I'm hyped for this show bro

we've got a good question this week what i was gonna talk about something what was it hey remember to follow tiktok instagram twitter, Cameo All at Benedict Polizzi Thanks for sharing all the stuff bro And commenting like you don't know how much that stuff means to me Really I love when you guys Like like and share I'm just like yes

I'm in a wedding dress And I'm like yes Bro that Those videos are the They seem like they're easy to do Those videos are the... They seem like they're easy to do. Those videos are the hardest ones. Where I'm like... It's just like girls in the winter, girls in the summer, girls in the fall.

Bro, but I did the video in my dad's driveway. And I like... I couldn't like figure it out. And I like parked all weird in the driveway. So like the sun wasn't hitting my face weird. Because it would have looked like I was a caveman with the shadows under my eyes. And I like parked weird and I had a dress on in my car while I was filming and sweaty as fuck and my dad fucking pulls in the driveway my dad saw me wearing a wedding dress in my car

parked horizontal you ever park in a driveway horizontal just to fuck with somebody that was me so that's already weird and on top of it i just got married bro i took that shit off so fast in my car and i just got out of the car and with no shirt on just shorts on and just started fucking like i i like like i just ran like 400 laps around the track i just put my hands on my knees and i was like god it's hot in there and he's like what were you doing i was like uh it's uh hands on my knees and I was like, God, it's hot in there. And he's like, what were you doing? I was like, uh, it's, uh, yeah. So my dad pulled up on me, uh, wearing a wedding dress in my car. Then I went to, and that didn't feel great. And then, uh, I went to work that night, saw a dude I used to coach in high school and he was like, coach, what's up? And I was like, ha ha. And he's like, dude, what the hell, bro? You ha ha and he's like dude what the hell bro you

were like a football star in high school and then you were like an up-and-coming coach now you're just a gay tiktoker i was like he like he like muffled gay he was just like get tiktoker i was like i heard you just because i make out with a mannequin every Five minutes doesn't mean Anything Yeah but that shit was hilarious Never felt more weird Talking to a 20 year old bubba

Never felt more weird Talking to a 20 year old Da da da da Yeah so that was pretty much my weekend. Dude that used to look up to me called me a gay TikToker, and my dad saw me wearing a dress. And I went to an arcade. Arcade was so lit, dude.

God damn it. They didn't have Tekken for some reason, bro. I don't know what it was, but Tekken was one of the first video games I played. And I was always watching video games growing up because I was the younger kid. And I never had a system because my parents were like, that's just crap. You don't need that crap. Playout size, crap.

But not in the front yard because it's for looks. So I was always just watching. so I was always just watching my whole life from seven years old to fucking 12 was just watching people playing video games. And, uh, cause I, and I was a younger kid, like always, all the time. And everybody was like, ah, fuck him. Wait, you're too, you know, you can just boss fucking younger kids around and they like, listen, hardcore. I was so that kid, like my older, cool cousin was like hey i'm gonna play for like 14 hours you can get a turn like uh on sunday i'd be like i'll be right here yes sir yeah let's get let's get to the question of the week quick quick quick quick quick question

of the week what was the weird rule your parents made up for you when you were a kid you heard my shit i say it every fucking podcast how funny is that though front yards for looks what else was my rule i used to say this this is so fucking off topic but when i was a kid i used to say this all the time when i was like three i used to say this all the time. When I was like three, I used to say this all the time, and my dad thought it was so fucking funny. I go, I got a face. Kiss me.

That's my rule. I used to say that like 20 times a day. I got a face. Kiss me. That's my rule. Dude. I think I still fucking, that should be like, I should get that tatted.

I should get a tattoo of that. got a face kiss me. That's my rule I live by that shit to this day I'm gonna start saying that shit to every person I see At the end of every comedy show. Hey, that's my time Ben Pol Polizzi, thanks, guys. And remember, I got a face. Kiss me. That's my fucking rule. My rule. I have one rule, and it's to kiss my fucking face.

I got a face. Kiss me. That's my rule. 20 times a day, I'd say it to fucking anybody. Babysitters, people at the store that I thought were my mom. Everybody. I got a face. But, uh, yeah. I don't know. Let's just get to it. What do we got, baby? Here we go. Bailey J. Phillips. What was a weird rule your parents made up for you? Bailey J. Phillips.

The kids I babysit for are these two girls like 10 and 12, and their parents have a sleeping schedule where one sleeps with dad and one sleeps with mom one night. They switch, then the girls sleep together the next, and it's so odd. They also still shower with their dad oh 10 and 12 dude that's fucked up dude i don't think i ever took a shower with my fucking parents that sounds so fucked up like my parents taught me how to shower once and then it was like all right go ahead bitch like you'd ever forget i forgot how to take a, all right, go ahead, bitch. Like you'd ever forget. I forgot how to take a shower.

All right, just a second. Let me get naked real quick. That is so weird. Someone teaching you how to shower. Everybody does shower different, though, when you think about it. Because nobody does the same shit in the shower. Everybody showers different. Like, what do you go for first?

I always go pits first because I'm like, this is disgusting. Pits, feet, I'm out. Don't even touch my ass. My ass stays like it is. If it ain't broke, don't wash it. That's super weird. I remember one time my dad fucking, ew, bro. It was so weird.

My dad, ew, bro. Oh, this was my dad's fucking rule, bro. This is a rule. Like, when I'd shower, my dad would be like, hey. This is so fucked up. My dad's crazy. He goes, hey. Get your body all wet He's always a coach in every situation

Here we go Here we go On two Get your body all wet Turn the shower off Point the shower head somewhere Turn the shower off Lather it up with soap

Get it soapy Cause that's what cleans That's what cleans you Don't let the water run off Cause because then you're just wasting soap. If the water's on, you're lathering it up. Lather, lather, lather, lather, lather. Hot, hot, lather. And the water's on, you're just wasting soap.

And that's bullshit. You want to waste shit? So you turn the shower off, lather up. Turn the shower back on Rinse off And you're out of there Say hot hot hot Every fucking thing's a coaching tip

From my dad But like that's his thing Cause one time like We'd be in like my grandpa's fucking basement And like He'd be taking a shower And I'd be like down there doing some shit And I'd hear him turn the shower off

And I'd be like What the fuck is he doing And then I'd be like down there doing some shit and I'd hear him turn the shower off and I'd be like, what the fuck is he doing? And then I'd hear a bunch of like... What? I think I asked him one time. I was like, dad, what the fuck are you doing? Some people wash their hair first. Like what kind of fucking jail do you belong to right now?

What jail are you in if you wash your hair first? Alright, let's keep going. This is good. This is good. Here we go. Okay, Joe Cree. weird rules your parents made up oh i got a good one for this my parents wouldn't let me watch so many shows on tv growing up i couldn't watch it watch fucking spongebob i pretty much had to stick with pbs kids till i was like Yeah. That's gonna be a fucking common thing.

Parents are so weird about that. Spongebob, like, dude, it's just like if your parents fuck with the show. Like, Spongebob looks kind of... If your mom doesn't think the main character's cute, you're not watching the show. My mom was probably like, he's a fucking sponge?

No, change it. Uh-uh. You're watching fucking Reading Rainbow. They tried to make those PBS shows so lit. They all sucked. Reading Rainbow. Hey, that fucking intro, though. Oh, my God.

This shit smacked. Take a look, you dirty motherfucking crook. A Reading Rainbow. Reading motherfucking crook A reading rainbow Reading motherfucking rainbow Dude, somebody needs to Uh, uh, bitch This your boy Okay Say what?

That's right, turn it up What? That's right, turn it up. What? That's right. Trope. Uh-huh. Turn me up a little bit. Okay. That's right.

Reading Rainbow. Reading Rainbow. Okay. That's right. A reading rainbow. A reading rainbow. A reading rainbow. A reading rainbow. A reading rainbow. A reading rainbow. A reading rainbow. A reading rainbow. A reading rainbow. A reading rainbow.

A reading rainbow. A reading rainbow. Bro, that shit is so fucking fire. You know, after they made that, they were like, let's fucking go then. What the fuck? Let's go. What the fuck? You hear that shit? What the fuck Let's go What the fuck

You hear that shit Even the PBS lady Even the PBS lady Like You know Like the The final boss at CBS That's like

Nope we can't do that You know it's like the most strict play She's like nope we can't air that Nope we are not saying that On our television network You know after that shit hit, after that final little thing. Right after this, though. After they tapered this down.

Right here. Dude, right after that, whoever made that song was like, what the? That's right! The lady, the final boss of CBS made that song was like, Whoa, what the? That's right! The lady, the final boss of CBS, just looked over there and she goes, Okay, okay. Checks something on her paper and goes, Alright, you can keep your fucking job.

Bro, somebody had something to prove on that shit. This is 45 seconds of fucking fire Yeah, yeah Swear to God, bitch Okay Yeah Dude What other intro just went This one, this intro went silly too, though.

I don't know why, but this shit... This shit puts me on a different planet. Some of you guys will know. Previously on X-Men. This right here I just wanna be the guy playing the guitar here Right here, three, two One

Dude, if I was ever in a cover band I'd just play the fucking X-Men song the whole time In the corner of the bar. Who's not ready to watch that fucking show? Butterfly in the sky. That shit. I can go twice as high. I can go twice as high.

What else? take a look it's in a book okay Charlie P weird rules your parents made up if you eat worms your butt cheeks will stick together I hate your family oh shit another one it's the gabster eat worms, your butt cheeks will stick together. I hate your family. Oh, shit.

Another one. It's the gabster. Oh. Had to leave a hymnal in between us and boys in the pew at church and leave room for Jesus. Yeah, that was always a fucked up, like, situation. I couldn't sit by my sister in church because we would just fuck

around. Or, like, I would just do something dumb or try to make her laugh and then like, it was a little bit too loud. So then like, I had to sit on the other side of my mom and I was like, fuck.

Then I'd get fucking, like the vibe would be weird for the rest of the day. I don't think, it might have happened twice where I got to sit by my sister and nothing happened during church. Like it didn't, I could have, I. I could have said the funniest thing in church.

My mom would have been like, get the fuck over here, Benny. That's how my mom talked to me at church. Hey. Come here. You think that? No, no, no. Mom, just let me, just let me,

just let me, please, please. Benny, get on the other side of me right now. Benny, get on the, hey. Get on the other, hey, Benny, no. Mom, just let me, just let me, just let me, please, please. Benny, get on the other side of me right now. Benny, get on the, hey. Get on the other, hey, Benny, hey. Hey, get on the other side of me right now. Hey, hey. Mom, just please, can I just, get on the other side. Right, hey.

Right. Three, two. In my ear, dude. All the hair on my neck. Here we go. John Herrick, dude. All the hair on my neck. Here we go. John Herrick, 2010. Weird rules your parents made up. There were certain towels we couldn't dry our hands off after washing them because they were for decoration.

Yeah, that's the whole downstairs bathroom. I swear to God, I don't even know if we fucking used the toilet in there. That was another, like, unwritten rule, though. This is a pretty good one. When you're at, dude, no one ever, in my house, no one ever shit downstairs. We were just like, nah. It was just, like, a known thing. It's like, it's just, everybody's down here all the time.

Like, why would you just, like, imagine that? is down here all the time. Like, why would you just imagine that? Somebody just taking a heater at like 5pm downstairs where like four other people are? That's so weird. Shitting gets weirder as you get older. I'm like with my family on some weird trip.

I'm like, I'm gonna drive down the road to shit why is that so awkward people are like i can't i can't poop in public i'm like i can only shit in public i'm not shitting in my house are you serious dude if the if the restroom in the lobby of my apartment complex was always open i think i would just shit down there broke is my my whatever I eat is just so I guarantee my shit smells the worst it just does it just does it's just it's like very different and like every time I get done shitting everybody's like oh my that's so lame to talk about but it's literally 10 out of 10 times.

Dude, I remember one time in high school, I like had to go so bad. And I went and my friend came in after, like, cause I was freaking out cause I had to go so bad. He goes, dude, he looked at me over the song and goes, bro, you need to get that shit checked. Like, how do you set up a doctor's appointment for that? Hey I need to get my shit smell checked Dude cause it was so bad Just cause I eat the All I eat is like eggs

Dude I don't know It's just it's not okay But yeah I feel that Downstairs bathroom straight up decor Dude that's a good one Steph rain weird rules weird rules. Your parents made up. I couldn't use a knife in the jelly. Why was my fucking dad like that? Everybody's everybody was raised the same way. My dad was like, you used to do. My dad was so weird with peanut butter and jelly. He'd use a knife for the peanut butter. He's like, you don't put it back into jelly. Cause

then he gets the peanut butter in the jelly. I was like, well, who gives a, you know, like, dude, just chill, all right? Damn. Well, you get drunk once. I swear my dad was so goddamn uptight all the time. But, yeah, yeah, yeah, he'd always use a spoon for the jelly. And low-key, it's kind of a good little fit a spoon in the jelly just like looks pleasing to your eye hey spoon for the jelly fuck i don't even want this sandwich anymore

here we go alex miller weird rules your parents made up. If we got in trouble, we had to fold the entire family's sock drawers. No matter how big or small the crime, I could murder someone and my mom would make me fold socks. Why is folding socks like a cardio workout? Folding socks is straight up cycling class. It makes my hands dry and shit. I'm like, what? Here we go. Waffle house. Weird rules your parents made.

My grandparents had rules at their house. My grandparents had a rule at their house. No swimming in the pool for 30 minutes after you eat. They said you need time to digest. I get that, but like, who cares? That was like my whole life growing up was like eating something so fast

and going back outside to like play badminton. That was my whole, my whole childhood was like eating something so fast and running back outside with bare feet to play badminton. I can't even, and the whole time I played badminton, I would just throw up what I just ate. Like, like, like, like, I would just like throw up on the side of the yard and then get right back into like play. It'd be like in between a point, like somebody would score and I'd be like, be right back. All right, let's go.

King of throwing up. And it was just so normal. Everybody's like, oh, there's Ben. King of throwing up. And it was just so normal. Everybody's like, oh, there's Ben fucking puking again. Oh, shit. This is, like, the most popular shit of all time. Weird rules your parents made up. The Bon Tempo Show. Never under any goddamn circumstance do you turn the interior lights on in the car while driving at night.

Dude, my family's the... I could never touch shit when someone else was driving. I couldn't even talk. I don't know how... I would get grounded if I tried to turn the light on. But I swear to God, my dad drives around with that light on all the time he's like it's just too dark in the car like i'll get in my dad's car and we'll go somewhere and his light is like his light up there is always on like if you think i love that shit man i turn that light on

for sure my parents were into it it's just too like in when you're driving somewhere at like 7 a.m and it's dark it's too fucking dark in the car especially if you're next to somebody if someone's driving with you on the like in there in the passenger seat i turn the light on so i'm like i can't fucking see your face here we go nico Urban. Nicole Urban. Weird rules your parents made up. If I got in trouble, I had to write a fucking essay. Like with a thesis statement and everything. At least that's actually a pretty good fucking punishment.

Because at least she knew how to write papers after that. That's the move. If your kid gets in trouble make him do something like that he's gonna have to know my kid gets in trouble i'm gonna be like do my taxes my kid doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street i'm like hey pick up your sister from practice takes my car when I got in trouble I had to write down what I did wrong just like a thousand times over and over I don't think that helps a paper is a good that's a good-ass idea this is why I got caught humping my pillow in the bathroom to a Kohl's catalog. I would read that in two fucking seconds.

Why humping a pillow in the bathroom while reading a Kohl's catalog is not a practical thing to do before dinner. I would love to read all those fucking papers. MLA format. There we go. Juicy 8. Weird rules your parents made up. I wasn't allowed to watch Beavis and Butthead. Me neither, dude. That's cartoon.

Kids that were allowed to watch Beavis and butthead me neither dude that's cartoon kids that were allowed to watch beavis and butthead and south park i was like did you even fucking have parents bro beavis and butthead even if it was on mute was a fucking horrible show the way they like glitched all the time i was like this is i'm gonna get car sick from this shit reading rainbow all right let's go viral viral viral hashtag just brings it all back my dad returning everything he's ever bought nobody likes returning shit more than my dad.

My dad took back mustard one time. Swear to God, he took back mustard. My dad returned mustard to the store. And when my dad returns shit, he never brings it back in the bag that it came in. He'll do it the next day and be like, I already threw away the bag. So he'll just walk into a store, walk into meyer just holding a bottle of mustard and everybody's like what the fuck are you doing oh shit that's so fucking dumb one time like he bought me a football and like i fucking did something stupid and i like threw it really

far and it hit the street and it broke open like on the seam and it like a bit like got deformed like a big bubble popped out of it so my dad just walked into a fucking store with a football and but no bag no box just a fucking ball they're probably like all right you gonna throw that at us or what like they wouldn't have been surprised if he just like fucking completed a pass to like an employee and walked back out they'd be like all right cool touchdown mustard i wonder what the craziest thing is my dad my dad returned to chris our christmas tree one time Bro Christmas tree Cause it like was all the needles

Were dropping too fast He's like fuck it you know how big of a Dude You know how big of a hassle it is To bring a real tree Into your house and set it up And then be like nah it's not doing it for me Take it back out let's do this all over again

Bro I would fucking I'd just rather not have Christmas anymore I'd be like nah it's not doing it for me take it back out let's do this all over again bro i would fucking i'd just rather not have christmas anymore i don't care dude the whole tree yep twice and the second one probably wasn't even as good hashtag songs on the perfect mixtape. Songs on the perfect mixtape. If I had to make a mixtape of songs, it would literally just be this right here. This would be number one on the playlist. Every time I get in my car, it's this song.

No matter what. No matter where I'm going. Going to Walgreens to get contact solution my dad going to Meijer to return mustard no this song slaps though right here here we go. Dude, I just feel like songs back in 1998, there was so much more.

They just wanted it more. Listen to this shit. Nobody sings like this anymore. Dude. We're not indestructible Nobody To sing like this during a song You gotta like I think you have to cry a little bit To sound like this

Baby, man, get that strength I think it's unbelievable Like if this song came out today You'd be like That's the number one song of all time. Right here. The Passion. This is number one.

There's no easy way out There's no shortcut home The drama. There's no easy motherfucking way out There's no motherfucking shortcut home Alright, then this right here. Ooh. This is just, like, if this song god commercials if this song came out today i feel like i can't talk when this song's on if this this song comes out in the car, I'm like, all right.

Like, I don't care what the fuck I was saying. I could be on the phone with a CEO. I'm like, I'll call you right back. Bro, nothing is better than this. I'm sorry. This might be number one ever. Yes. Oh, shit.

I forgot I was literally recording a podcast. I thought I was just listening to this song, and I went, yes. All right, all right. What's the other number one song of all time? This. This for me. It's this. What is it when the song came out I was like what the fuck kind of song is this and are they saying Bobo's

okay but then when Paul wall came on, you're like, who is this? This shit went so hard. I can recite every fucking word to this for no reason. Right here. That's so stupid, but it's so good. Dude, listen to this shit. I'm crawling similar to an ant Cause I'm low to the earth

People's feelings get hurt When they figure out what I'm worth He's so grint. Dude, if your mom watches, she'd be like, What the fuck are you watching? It's cause all in my chain Real grain, all in my range Guys like Paul Wall, like,

they're, like, hard and do weird shit. Like, that kind of guy, that type of guy. There's so many guys that look like Paul Wall that are, like, from the south side of Indianapolis. They're like, you just know, you know what I'm talking about. That type of guy is so nice to your parents. It's like, they're, like, always super polite. Like, if that was one of your friends and they came over for dinner You'd be like wow like that guy Was raised right then he pulls away and into this

Hard work to me to the top Cheat ass to me to the lot he wrote a check and bought a drop Now that guy is polite as he snaps his grill in his mouth swish a half I got the internet going nuts I need this as a sound bite I got the internet going nuts. I need this as a soundbite. I got the internet going nuts. I got the internet going nuts. Why does he say nuts like that?

What do you want from the store? Huh? What do you want, beef jerky? You don't want beef jerky? At a gas station. What do you want, beef jerky from the store? What do you want, beef jerky? You don't want beef jerky? Out of gas station. What do you want, beef jerky from the store? What do you want, beef jerky? You want beef jerky or smart pop? Oh, you just, you want, oh, you just, you want some nuts. Holy shit. Yeah, I couldn't even, this guy was, this guy was crazy.

Yeah, he just wouldn't stop talking to me. Then he started screaming. And I swear to God- this guy was- this guy was crazy. Yeah, he just wouldn't stop talking to me, and then he started screaming, and I swear to God, this guy was- Nuts. Alright, those are right there. Still tipping. Rocky. It's tearing up my heart. Hashtag now that the masks are off.

Hashtag now that the masks are off I'm glad the masks are off But just because Not like for COVID But just so people don't wear them upside down Dude that would drive me That would drive me People with upside down masks drove me But seriously Somebody would have like a Pacers mask on And they'd walk in and the Pacers sign would be upside down.

I was like, dude, that is insane to me that you can't that that doesn't if that doesn't bother you, bro. I don't even want to see your car. Backseat of everyone's car is a fucking nightmare. I got the Internet going with the fucking nuts. Hashtag you should never trust anyone that uses a cane. I don't know why I wrote that down, but people that use a cane, I'm like, what the fuck? Dude, if you're not like old as fuck and going to church on Easter. You should not be using a cane. Younger people with canes.

Younger like guys with canes. I'm like, you're the fucking scariest person I've ever met. Younger guys with canes when they walk in. That's what they listen to at night Instead of like the fan That's the noise their fan makes They're like I'm just gonna turn this thing on Hashtag I'm at the age where I know

Hashtag I'm at the age where I know Hashtag I'm at the age where I know this is like super sad, but I'm at the age where like When something fun is about to happen. I don't think of having fun at the thing I just think of damn I'm at the piece so much during that is that a thing like when you're a goonie older Do you pee more or is it just more annoying? of thing like when you're going to get older do you pee more or is it just more annoying i pee oh i pee maybe i just i hate the feeling of having to pee so i'm just like i'm going but then i just i'm like i gotta be hydrated too i gotta be so fucking hydrated

so then i just pee all the time like when i was a kid i swear to god i didn't have to go to the bathroom that much. As people age, their bodies produce less of a hormone, aldosterone. Let's them retain fluid. Wow. In women, estrogen levels also drop, a change associated with increase in urination. As in men, the prostate gets bigger, may become harder to urinate. Jesus Christ, no. It is not harder to urinate.

It's the easiest fucking thing I've ever done. Once I feel that first warning that I have to pee, I'm like, gone. Peace, bitch. Piss boy. Piss boy, bro. That's me now. Piss boy. I used to be fuck boy. I'm piss boy piss boy bro that's me now piss boy i used to be fuck boy i'm piss boy hey piss boy get over here let's do days tuesday national best friends day you know you're you know you're best friends with somebody when you don't even fucking talk to them anymore People that want to be your friend, I'm like, you're not actually my friend

My friends are people that I don't talk to anymore and they don't even give a shit But every time I see them, it's like, yeah, for sure They get it That's how you know who your best friend is You actually want to hang out with me? You're my worst enemy You don't want to hang out with me? You're my worst enemy. You don't want to hang out with me at all? I love you.

National Call Your Doctor Day. I went to a doctor last year and it was the realest shit I've ever gone to in my life. They're like checking my levels like I was a fucking Jeep Grand Cherokee. They're like, you need to hydrate more and drink less. I was like, wait a minute. Really? How do you know You top off my windshield wiper fluid too I was like I don't even drink that much

I have wine like every now and then They're like well it's telling us here That you need to like get focused I was like I'm sorry crying crying and shit. A fucking airplane shot fell out of my back pocket. I was like... Wednesday.

National Donald Duck Day. Dude, Joey always... Joey said this on the podcast one time and I died. Dude, you always have an uncle that can do the Donald Duck voice way too good. So fucking good. You always got like the funniest uncle ever. Everybody has an uncle that you're just like, fuck, I love that guy. God damn it.

But his son's like miserable. And you're like, oh. Everybody with a funny dad doesn't realize their dad's hilarious. I'm like, don't you, do you know? Like, listen to this guy. They're like, I hate my dad. I'm like, he's the funniest fucker I know.

Thursday. National Egg Roll Day. Still haven't had one of those. Still scared as shit to have an egg roll. Because what, are there eggs in it? Is that, I know that's that's a dumb question but it's not

because egg rolls do not typically typically contain egg in the filling it's unclear how egg appeared that's what's throwing me off

bro I've been dodging egg rolls for 30 years because i'm like i don't want to eat some chinese egg thing honestly like i just i just don't want to i don't want to eat eat an egg roll stuff with eggs is like very i don't know like i could get super sick or it could be, like, very nutritious. Bro, one time I had Eggs Benedict. It's actually disgusting. I had Eggs Benedict one time because I was like, oh, you know, it is my name. And I got it one time, and I was like, uh, never mind.

Changed my name immediately. Right after, went to the courthouse national ballpoint pen day if i write i've never been so mad that when i write with a pen and ink doesn't come out do it every single time i'm like oh my god i swear God, it's always me. I'm that much of a bitch. It's like literally 75% of the time I write with a pen, the ink doesn't come out. And I'm like, dude. And you look at the ink, has a pen ever run out of ink? Like, you ever use a pen so much that it runs out of ink? No, you're just always like, every pen I've ever used is like random it's like somebody else's pen like i've never used a pen so much that it's like

chapstick like you never use a full thing of chapstick you're always just like i don't fucking know that's how pens are for me and dude it'll be the most ink ever in that bitch and it won't write and i'm like ah I've never been more mad. That's the maddest I'll get. Signing into shit when pen ink doesn't work. Oh, and when a door's locked, bro. Things I shouldn't get mad at, but I do. When a fucking door is locked and I go to pull the handle and it's like, I'm like, forget it.

Guess I'm not going to work. Friday. National German Chocolate Cake Day. German chocolate cake has always looked so gross to me. I don't think there's one person in the world that's like, hey, what's your favorite dessert? And they're like, German chocolate cake. I'd be like, why does it look like a baby threw up all over the top of a chocolate cake?

And they're like, es ist gut. The first chocolate cake in Germany ever. Some baby threw up on top of it and they're like, ah, shit. Right before they took it out to the king, some baby was like,

yeah. Right in the middle of happy birthday happy birthday everybody's waiting for the cake some baby just out of nowhere like hanging off of somebody's shoulder they just rolled with it the king's just eating a bunch of like burped up gerber on top of a cake he's like

es is gut es is gut alright on top of a cake. He's like, es is gut. Es is gut. Alright. Shot 163. It was fun, yo. Remember, tell the homies. Subscribe, rate, review.

Give me some stars, baby. Remember to follow on Twitter, Instagram, Cameo, TikTok All at Benedict Polizzi Got shows coming up at Helium June 16th, 17th, 18th Got a show on Turkey Run this Friday That'll be fun So if you're in the Turkey Run area What's up?

Pull up I'll post the flyer I'll talk to you guys next week I'm fam So pull up. I'll post the flyer. I'll talk to you guys next week. I have fun. I have fun.