Espresso - shameful addictions

Episode Date: April 7, 2022

𝐔𝐏𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐖𝐒: Orlando Improv (Side Room) Saturday 4-9-22 @ 7pm https://tinyurl.com/2p8ze7re 🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼��� 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) on this episode Ben answers the Espresso Question of the week: what's an addiction you have that you're ashamed of (like picking out belly button lint... ) 86 NEWS reports on scientists want to send unsolicited nudes to space to attract aliens then Ben realizes no bite nail polish gives your nails bbq flavor, he admits he's never been funnier than when he gets 45min of sleep, a coffee and is 20% hungover and invents a cure for sleeplessness called 1 sip of an IPA 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

I just have a feeling this show is about to be so damn dumb. Shot 205. Yeah. Okay. It's Coco in the studio. Yeah. I like this right here. I'm wearing jeans and I'm recording the podcast.

Jeans are stiff Don't call me Lil' Coco, call me Levi Yeah 501s I'm a wrangler I'm a bad boy My jeans rub up on my thighs Plus, I'm commando I chafe

No disgrace I take my belt off And I do that little thing with it That makes it sound like this I do it every time I take off my jeans Why? Cause I motherfucking hate denim

Yeah Yeah Okay None of that rhyme But you know what? Take my jeans off, everything's gonna be fine Yeah Yeah

God damn it Oh shit What up fam God that was so stupid Shot 205 It's gonna be a shit show Remember to join the Patreon For an extra wild ass

Pod every single week. Everything's just kind of uncut and it's just, it's just, it's more of the madness. But join the Patreon for sure. $5 a month. I mean, dude, you kind of have to at this point. And shows in Orlando this Saturday. So Orlando fam, pop out at the improv. I'll have more details in the bio of this Saturday. So Orlando fam, pop out at the improv. I'll have more details in the bio of this podcast.

We got a hot question this week. It's what's your shameful addiction? But before we get into that, I actually have a little news. Oh, my God. I mean, come on. Pretty sick snooze. Oh, my God. I mean, come on. 36 News. I am Johnson. Breaking news here, people.

It says here, right here in front of me, this just came in to the newsroom. It says here that scientists want to send unsolicited nudes. You heard me. Unsolicited nudes to space to attract aliens. Yeah, you heard that right. In doing so, we'll potentially pique an alien's curiosity and encourage communication. So we're sending unsolicited nudes into space to attract aliens. Wow. And this just in, I'm now hearing Elon Musk says he's going to invest in it, and he will call it Space XXX.

Okay, enough of the jokes. Let's be serious here. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry about that. Nudes for aliens. I mean, now that's what I call a full moon. I know. Oh, stop.

Oh, that's the last one. That's the last one. In all seriousness, this really. I know. Oh, stop. Oh, that's the last one. That's the last one. In all seriousness, this really changes the saying, we come in peace. Oh, God. I can't. Oh, my God. I will stop. I know.

You're going to fire me. I know. I know. But, yeah, you've heard of black holes in outer space. These aliens are going to be seeing brown holes. I can't. Oh, my God. But honestly, in all seriousness, my final statement on this piece, it's not a bad idea necessarily.

And it's not take me to your leader. It's take me to your Peter. Brady Six Nose. Oh my God, this is crazy. Oh, geez. This is the last week I'm going to be here. I am Johnson. Oh, I hate that more and more.

Anyway, wow. Let's get to the espresso quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. This week's question. What's your shameful addiction? Or what's an addiction you have that is just... You don't. You can't. You hate talking.

You don't even tell people. You get uncomfortable when people bring it up. For me, it's my nails, dude. When people tell me to stop biting my nails i'm like you're so right oh my god oh my god i know what am i doing with my i do that every time if i'm biting my nails you have permission if i'm biting my nails anybody who's listening to this if you see me in public biting my nails i don't care if i'm i don't care I am. You have permission to just smack the fuck out of my hand. I'll be like, oh my God, you are so right.

That's me every single time. Quit biting your nails. Hey, quit biting. I feel like such a piece of shit. Dude, my sister will tell me to stop biting my nails and she'll be pissed at me for two days that I, that I bit my nails. I'm like, damn. But then again, I've been doing it since I was like fucking six.

Dude, if me and my sister are in the car and I'm biting my nails, she goes, get your fucking fingers out of your mouth and doesn't talk to me for two hours. I'm like, alright, well. Okay, you want to listen to the radio or bro, I don't know what that is. My nails look like, oh

bro, I have alien fingers speaking of aliens look at my fingers dude every time i every time someone sees my fingers you know a little alien noise every time maybe that didn't sound right but every time aliens land dude my fingers look like what is it no but somebody uh one time was like you know you should put the the clear nail polish on your fingernails that like tastes like like really bad and i was like that's a good idea so i tried like the nail polish that they sell at walgreens and it didn't do shit i was like this isn't this is stupid like I can still bite my nails so I went on the internet and bought like black market no bite nail polish and

it was so fucking gross the first day but then I kept biting my nails and it started to taste good oh shit it started to taste like like like, like Buffalo Wild Wings. I just put Buffalo Wild Wings sauce on my fingers every fucking morning. That shit slapped. I was like, Ooh, this is salt and vinegar. It was so good. I was like, I'm, I'm a psychopath. All right, but let's get into it from anonymous. What's I'm a psychopath. All right, but let's get into it. From Anonymous, what's... Wait, what the fuck is the question? I hate when I do this. What's an addiction you have that's shameful from Anonymous?

The one thing I'm addicted to is these almond butter Nature valley bars oh god and they don't fall the fuck apart as soon as you take one bite like the normal ones do but yeah i think about them all day i have to buy the big box i think about myself like one or two but I think it's just because I haven't really had almond butter. And so my body is like, what the fuck is this new thing? So that's my thing. And don't worry about the anonymity. You'll be able to tell people that Shia LaBeouf was on your podcast now. So that'll be pretty cool.

Yo, almond butter Nature Valley bars valley bars i gotta look them up all those nature valley nature valley bar like that company has my ass dude nature valley has me in a choke hold up against the lockers like a high school bully i'm like no no my feet nature valley bars dip it even the ones that break apart and fuck your whole day up even those are fire I still get those I don't even care about the mess I'm like I'll eat it outside bro I'll eat one of the I'll go outside like it like it's a cigarette break just to eat a nature Valley bar I'll lose half the bar it'll just look like a pile of mulch is at my feet when I eat a nature

valley bar. I can't believe I just said mulch. I hate that word. Wood chips. If you're mulch gang, fuck off. It's wood chips gang. Nature valley almond butter. Nature almond butter like does anything sound better than almond butter fuck oh the biscuits nature valley's a whore they just don't they know what they're doing granola cups two three of the best words ever three of the nature valley granola cups, almond butter. That's like my, that's like the, that's like the spell you say to me to unlock like my fat assness. You know, if I'm like sitting in a chair, like all strapped in and someone's like, Nature Valley, granola cups, almond butter. I'm like, ah, I just fucking eat everything. It's like my like Nazi, like phrase or whatever. You know, everybody has that word.

Does anybody know what I'm talking about? I'm pretty much talking about some Marvel Winter Soldier type shit. This is weird now, but you know what I mean, if you know what I mean. Almond butter biscuits. Nature Valley's a bitch. I love it. I love Nature Valley. They're so underrated.

They got a bad rap from that. The fact that there's two bars in there, though. Anytime there's any type of candy bar or granola bar and it's broken up into two pieces, I'm like started doing, dude, when they started doing Snicker bars in two blocks, I was like, yo. They took over the, that shit changed everything. Because Twix was wild for having two in there. When you were growing up, I was like, you get two. And then Snickers was like, you know what, bitch? Dude, Snickers might be number one candy ever. They just might be. Like, it has it all.

Reese's, I like Reese's's but like sometimes you can get sick of them I could eat a Snickers bar every morning and be like yeah I needed energy from the peanuts that white chocolate Snickers yo those shits are so good I might just throw one against the wall oh shit how come every time anything's too good I always end up destroying it one time I got a milkshake from Steak and Shake. Took two bites. It was so good, I just threw it out of the sunroof. I was like, fuck.

It deserves to live. Oh, my God. Oh, Nature Valley. Yeah, there's a lot of shit like that. Anything involving butter, I'm just hella addicted. He said he thinks about them all day. Hashtag relatable. All all right here we go from anonymous what's your addiction you're ashamed of my shameful addiction is that well i'm not really that ashamed about it but every time i scratch my butt like if i get in there like deep i have to sniff my fingers afterwards god damn the way he whispered the end dude you know he was

he couldn't wait he couldn't wait to whisper listen to it he gets like sexy at the end because he knows he's a gross piece of shit my shameful addiction is that well i'm not really that ashamed about it but every time i scratch my butt like if i get in there like deep i can't make eye contact with the computer i have to sniff my fingers afterwards oh who's not doing that who's not doing that if that's gross that i said who's not doing that you're like he does that you're a piece of shit for now everyone's done that and everyone's been like why does it smell like oh that's the weirdest shit but you gotta like every now and then it's gross I mean it's gross as fuck and you should shouldn't do it unless you're like about to get in the shower

And like cut your fingers off And wash yourself with like chlorine acid To burn off all fingerprints and ass residue You shouldn't do it But you gotta check in Maybe Probably once every two weeks You gotta check in

Just on your smell Like that's. You got to check in. Just on your smell. Like, that's your smell. You got to check in. God, it's a wild smell. Nobody smells the same. Ew, bro. Oh, God.

You know you can smell somebody. You know when somebody farts and you're like, oh, that was fucking dead for sure. You know, everybody just had. My shit smells a thousand percent like somebody just left an egg out that's my whole body odor not even from my ass just everything just somebody make an omelet no ben just walked by eggs benedict all right uh from anonymous what's your shameful addiction my addiction is when i see a guy with like nice big biceps ugly or hot i always have to say you wouldn't choke me out dad wait what what'd she say my addiction is when i see a guy with like nice big biceps, ugly or hot. I always have to say, you want to check me out, dad?

I can't fucking understand her. It sounded like she said, do you want to check me out, dad? What? I don't know. I can't. I'm going to try it one more time. This is me in real life when someone says something and this is the third what i'm like after this one you just assassinate me have the sniper that's posted up somewhere just blow my head off if i can't hear this my addiction is when i see a guy with like

nice big biceps ugly or hot i always have to say you want to check me out dad dude what is this the fact that it's her voice saying this thing i can't hear it at the end she's like i don't know what she's saying i get so uncomfortable when this shit happens this is my nightmare in real life this girl was talking to me the other day point blank not no not quiet room she's she i could not hear a word she was saying i felt so stupid i couldn't hear you i was having to have a lot of that i still didn't hear what she said and i was like fuck here we go here it is Do I pretend like I know what you said and laugh? But I actually kind of really want to know. I'm just going to go for it.

I still didn't hear you. Okay, never mind, don't care anymore. That's my whole life. That's my whole life that's my whole life literally that's half of my days being like what the fuck did she say dude i wonder how it is when you can actually hear i bet i'd be so much smarter i'd pick up on so much more i can't hear shit i need to take that test that hearing test how did i pass that in third grade do you remember that shit you put weird huge headphones on oh they could have scared the shit out of you during that test if they wanted to play like a loud noise. Oh my God. If you did that to like an

older teacher, you'd straight up drop them dead. Oh, there goes Mrs. Schmidt. But that hearing test when you're a kid, when they were like, raise your hand if you hear a noise. And I was like, I'm going to fucking fail this test. Another one down. Another F. Hearing F. That noise is like, the first one was like, I was like, oh shit, I actually heard that. The next one's like, I was like, this is easy as fuck. The rest of the time they're like, did he fall asleep? Or is he really just that deaf? Dude, I swear.

For like 17 minutes, I was like, are you guys still doing it? Oh, shit. Oh, my God. He needs a hearing aid. Oh, shit. That would be so, that would be badass, bro. That's what I want. If I could pick a superpower.

I don't want super hearing. I just want to hear like a normal person. I swear I just have too much earwax. I need to get that earwax cleaning thing. Like not a Q-tip low-key. Like the thing where like it's like a procedure. I need that. They'd probably dig out the weirdest shit.

Staples and like Lego Manor The weirdest shit bro They'd probably pull out like You know how magicians pull out tissues and shit Here's the doctor in my ear What the fuck is this Pulls out a bunny Oh my god

City bunny I love you boy Alright here we go What's an addiction You're ashamed of from Anonymous? Taco Bell. I am shamelessly addicted to Taco Bell. Specifically, a cheesy gordita crunch with a nacho cheese shell. Sub beef for steak. Add red sauce.

Whoa. No lettuce. Red sauce. shit is fucking gas i love i am fucking addicted to it i love should probably check out passages malibu but they are so damn good dude i love how passionate that was did you hear the conviction in his voice while talking about that? Dude, you know you're a freak with food. I do the same shit. When you get up to a drive-thru and you're just subbing shit. You know they're like, oh, fuck, this guy's been here before. Sub the rice!

Sub the steak! He's a fucking maniac! Oh, God, don't do it. Don't do it. Sub the cheese! He wants, oh, God. he wants the stuff on the special Oh god Pull up to the window

Dude people at Taco Bell are surprisingly like the best drive through people ever Probably because they've been like Forged through the years It's like It's like evolution People have just been so drunk In Taco Bell lines just being like I cry Cry revolution. People have just been so drunk in Taco Bell lines, just being like, melted cheese and broccoli on it. They're just like, what the fuck? And they just had to adapt.

Now they're the best drive-thru people of all time. So many drunk people. They're just like, they can understand drunk people so well now. Guys like, They can understand drunk people so well now. Guys like, I have three octoblasts and cheese and hot, hot. And they're like, okay, you wanted a nachos bel grande. You wanted a crunch wrap supreme and no beans. And you wanted a chalupa, no sour cream. Pull around.

Oh, shit. They can translate drunk speak so well, but that's so true. Oh God. He's right about that. I kind of want to hear it one more time. Taco Bell. I am shamelessly addicted to Taco Bell. Specifically. It sounds like he's in an electric chair

and they're giving him his last meal or something. A cheesy gordita crunch with a nacho cheese shell. Wow. You can do that that sub beef for steak fire add red sauce what is that though well i think he's talking about like marinara or something can you do that no lettuce wow no lettuce is such a move because lettuce everybody knows lettuce is like What am I doing Shit is fucking gas Getting lettuce at Taco Bell like it's gonna save you Like bro

Trust me you're in too deep you're already a piece of shit Just go without the lettuce save your time And I am Fucking addicted to it That's so real Oh shit that was a whole AA meeting Oh my god i feel that all right here we go uh from anonymous what's your addiction that you're ashamed of social media scrolling fingernail chewing and sugar i'm super addicted to sugar wow isn't that crazy how like kids are really that addicted to sugar. I feel like I could,

I could eat like a whole bag of candy and it wouldn't make me do shit. But if you have like a candy cane when you're a kid, they're like drunk kids with too much sugar. I'm like, Whoa, put them down. You have to, like, shoot one of those, you can't tranquilize a kid, you, how come every time someone tranquilizes someone, it's not, like, with a, like, a normal, like, shot, it's always, like, a fucking, from, like, a cross room, he had three sour patch kids, Mowgli, get down here, in the back of his head. Oh, shit.

I should be tranquilized right now during this show, honestly. But shooing. Oh, social media scrolling. Yeah, TikTok before bed. I'm like, this is worse than porn at one point. I'm like, my brain is not the same anymore. I can't watch TV. I can't watch TV. I can't watch TV anymore.

It's just not as good as like 15 second funny videos all the time. Fuck. He's right. Alright, here we go. Anonymous, what's an addiction that you're shamed of? I might be

addicted to whippets. And when you go up in the head shop and order this mother is so addicted to Voice cadence the whippets you got to tell me you're getting the whipped cream chargers and it makes you feel like you're about to get the you're about to make a birthday cake and You're about to be nice and fuzzy and warm inside. but instead you're just getting fucking high on nitrous. Yeah. That's the kid like in college that you meet at the party or like really good friends with, but you just never see him again. You're like, what happened

to that guy? Cause he's cool as fuck. But like, wow, I couldn't get it. I couldn't like, if I'm getting high, it needs to be like, like some like movie shit. You know what I mean? I can't, like, if I'm getting high, it needs to be, like, some, like, movie shit. You know what I mean? I can't be like, I'm getting high tonight. And I go home and I'm like, anybody want some dessert? Like, doing that with a bottle just seems, like, too extra. I don't even know what that is. That's so funny, though.

People were getting, like, people had ready whip at work at a restaurant in Indianapolis. Like, hella ready whip. And they're all in Indianapolis, like hell of ready whip. And they're all just getting high. Of course, dude, how do you work a serving job without being like some kind of like, without being influenced by something? It's crazy.

Right. When I walk through the doors of the restaurant, I'm like, give me a coffee. I'm like looking for anything to take my mind off of the work I'm doing. I'm like, give me a coffee. I'm like looking for anything to take my mind off of the work I'm doing. I'm like, give me a chip. Every time I get on stairs, give me a horse puppy. Now I turn into a fucking psycho, bro. Oh, of course. If there's like a free drug, somebody is going to be like water all around. You guys want any appetizers?

water all around you guys want any appetizers jesus christ all right what's the addiction you're ashamed of from anonymous my shameful addiction is when you go to a bar and you want to impress a group of girls you buy them a round of water shots with salt on the rim and a lime, and watch how hard they laughed after. Wow. See, I'm a bitch, and I'd be like, that was good tequila. I so would. Oh, shit, if that happened to me.

That's funny, dude. That's kind of a bitch, but from that guy over there. You know they're like, wow, that guy? Fuck it. Thanks, bro. Wow, that guy? Fuck it. Thanks, bro. Wow. That's funny. Oh, it's so... Dude, I feel like I'm a bitch for, like, placebo stuff.

If somebody gave me a full, like, non-alcoholic beer, and I knew it was non-alcoholic, if you give me an O'Doul's and I smash, like, four of them, I swear to god i will feel drunk i know there's no alcohol in them but like my body like if i crush some decaf coffee i bet i would be jittery just my body's my brain's a bitch just crushing odules odules keg oh all right here we go from anonymous. What's your shameful addiction?

I always pick out my belly button of my belly every day. Dude, you guys are so fucked. Why does my podcast just attract the weirdest fucking people? Yo, how much lint's in your belly button to be picking it out every day i haven't cleaned up my belly button since i was like six felt good though but you know like is this guy just wearing like linen shirts he's just changing his shirt every day, just wearing 100% cotton. Who has that much belly button lint, bro?

You need to start like a pillow factory or something. Yeah, I got no overhead. It all comes from my gut. The amount of times he said belly in that voice message, I haven't said belly that many times in my life. His voice, dude. You knew it was going to be gross by the tone of his voice. I always pick out my belly button of my belly every day. He just sounds like he just ate so much cottage cheese for no reason.

All right. Wow. Let's keep going. One more. Wait. Wait. We's keep going. One more. Wait. Wait, we might have one from anonymous. What's your shameful addiction? Sex. Low key though I mean what But yeah That's the Espresso Quick quick quick quick Question of the week

Alright let's do Viral Viral is where I pick the most popular trending hashtags on Twitter. And just, you know, talk shit about them for a little bit. But before we do that, the Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave1 Media. If you want to start your own show visit thewaveone.com hashtag that's my worst nightmare what about every dream i have every single dream i have this has to be everybody right every dream I have, every single dream I have, this has to be everybody, right? Every

dream I have, no matter what it is, I've never like had a good dream. Like I have a good dream, but there's always something I'm like, Oh fuck. If I just didn't have to go to work at in two hours, like while I was doing whatever, I'm like, that's my word. Every dream I have, I'm like, whatever I'm like that's my word every dream I have I'm like why is there always a deadline for something is he stressed out exactly and why am I always why is there always something weird in the room someone always has like an extra finger in my dream I'm like of course I like expect it now. That's my worst nightmare. When someone asks me to go to lunch. Dude texts me.

Hey, want to get lunch? I'm like, just what do you want? Just what do you want? Just no. All that shit. To look at your face and eat a salad I don't want. Just what do you want? Text it.

Let me call you. Just, no. Just text me. Don't leave me that voice message either, bro. Oh, that's my hell. That 49 second voice message. I'm like, damn, what did you say for a minute? What the fuck did you say for a minute?

You know, half of it, every time I leave a voice message, half of it's just me going, oh, what the fuck was I going to say? Oh, yeah, so yeah, and then it ends. It's so dumb. I'm driving, but yeah. What the fuck was I going to say? Yeah, so yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, bro.

Yeah, I'll talk to you later. Bye. That's all it is. Oh, that's my nightmare. When you're halfway through a story and you know it's bombing and so does everybody else. Jesus. What a moment. You're just like, can I bail?

That's when I wish I had that Men in black fucking Brainwash everybody Never happened God Or when you're talking to somebody And their eye contact moves away You're like Forget it I was talking to a guy the other day And I wasn't even talking to him

I was just responding I looked back Started saying something I was saying six words And on the third word He even talking to him I was just responding I looked back started saying something I was saying six words and on the third word he started to look away I was like damn fuck it you know it probably wasn't good anyway hashtag makes me phenomenal you know what makes me phenomenal You know what makes me phenomenal One cup of coffee

In two hours of sleep You've never been funnier You've never been more on your shit Than when you sleep for 45 minutes Have a cup of coffee And you're like 20% hungover The next day

Jesus Christ like 20% hungover the next day. Jesus Christ. It's so annoying when you're not that person though. Everybody around you is like, shut the fuck up. But you think you're like Jerry Seinfeld. Oh man, I feel so cool.

That's really the best. You're always, like, some weirdly, like, phenomenal when you get, like, five seconds of sleep. So weird. Because your body's like, what the hell is going on? You ever, like, play a game after you didn't sleep at night? Like, you got a game at, like, 10.30 a.m., but for some reason you went to sleep at, like, 6 a.m.? You're like, oh, shit, I'm fu- But you have, like, you drop, like, 28 points. You you went to sleep at like 6 a.m you're like oh shit i'm you have like you drop like 28 points you like dunk at halftime somehow there's like coaches there

you're just like okay well never gonna pull that off again hashtag tips to be the life of the party don't go. Oh, don't go. Imagine going. Imagine going to a party. Tips to be the life of the party. Here's my actual tip to be the life of the party.

Every time you make, if you make somebody laugh in conversation, you leave immediately. That's it. That's, it's done. I don't care if you're a doctor and you're midway through the appointment with the person, patient you make them laugh, you just leave that's it, I'm ending on a laugh every time oh really, yeah I'm out you never even took

my fucking temperature you're gone, that's a espresso law you're walking after a laugh peace and make them laugh quick cause nobody wants to talk to you anyway hashtag things you can't say anymore it's like my laugh uh uh at the restaurant i work at uh we hired like we're desperation mode for workers and this lady is super old you know

how there's like always the token old lady like server that you're like huh but all right like she's old but she's like with it it's so funny everybody else is like 18 20. i'm like one of the oldest people there This lady's probably 75 And just looks like a cigarette I was looking at her face the other day And I was like oh my god You so She's just like a cigarette commercial I'm like god damn

But you know she's just the Best server of all time Like just Checking box doing her shit right you know it dude but she's just so walking like the other day she called me muffin butt things you can't say anymore. Muffin butt. Like, why'd it feel kind of good?

I was like, yeah. Dude, she called me muffin butt. Like, if I call, like, a younger woman muffin butt, I go to jail. If an older lady calls me muffin butt, I'm like, can you make me some soup or something? I know you got some soup on deck. Muffin butt. Hashtag odd stuff to steal. I'm not going to lie.

I've never paid. I refuse to pay for batteries. I just not gonna lie. I've never paid. I refuse to pay for batteries. I just can't do it. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I can't. They're so expensive and so dumb and I'm so pissed.

I steal them every time. Especially the batteries that aren't batteries. You know? The batteries that look like nickels. I'm like, what the the fuck those are the worst i'm like which one is i i gotta i gotta go i gotta i gotta go sharpies when i was a kid i was like i'm not it's like 17.99 for like two sharpies i'm like yo batteries kill me kill me i thought i was for sure gonna get arrested at target so many times growing up they deserve it batteries and swedish fish dude i would walk by remember they had the

this was so remember they had the self-serve candy growing up you like open up a bin and just get like a scoop full of like raisinets. Or like Sour Patch Kids or like Swedish Fish. Just something like, it was crazy that they were just all there. And you put it in a bag and fucking. Tie that bitch in a knot. Fucking swing it over your head. Oh. And put it right on the cash register. I'll take it. That's me,

dude. That was never me. I would put all that stuff in my sweatshirt pocket and just walk around target. Just like a big piece of shit. one of those Sample Icy cups They had those They had Icy's and they had sample cups Who's buying an Icy now? Put it right there My Icy in the sample cup Would overflow this much

I'd be like Swedish fish in my pocket Stealing batteries and sharpies See you later, Swedish fish in my pocket, stealing batteries and Sharpies. See you later. I'm riding my bike home. Just got away with murder. And all that shit probably fell out of my pockets on the way home. All right.

Let's do Days of the Week. Days of the Week is a segment where there's national holidays every single day. And, yeah, we just talk about them a little bit. Thursday, National Beer Day. This happened to me another time at work, dude. What's rotating on Metazoa? I'm like, hop-a-potamus. Why is it called that?

I swear That needs to end IPAs are so disgusting But I buy them every time Hate it Hate every sip I'll take another God damn, I hate this shit

One more, yeah, you got it. Dude, it's so gross. No point. Makes me feel like crap. One IPA, I'm dead asleep. People that have sleeping problems, have a fucking Sun King cream ale. You'll pass out for seven hours midday. One IPA. Gone. National Coffee Cake Day? That's a, that's a, like, 50-year-old thing. Maybe, maybe, like, late

20s. When I was a kid and I saw coffee cake I'd be like yeah why I see coffee cake now I'm like I stare at that coffee cake like I'm the devil, bro. National no housework day. Yeah, right. There's always some bullshit to do in a house. My God. Every time I wake up, I'm like, ew, what did I do last night? All the counters, there's crumbs everywhere. I'm like, what did I, I like made, I like made one egg just crumbs everywhere and I wake up

I'm like oh god I'm a monster although I do cook like I have like 17 seconds to live I'm like I turn the heat all the way up to like 9.9 the amount of times I've cooked, my roommate was gone all last week, the amount of times the smoke alarm went off because I was just like, fuck it, I'm cooking! And I did it in like eight seconds. The people that live around me are probably like,

what is he doing? He's trying to light this bitch on fire. So shameful that when you hear the smoke alarm, you're like, damn it. I want a piece of shit. Sorry. Sorry, I just want to poke my head out of the door and be like, I know. I, yeah. It's a worse feeling.

National empanada day. Friday, National empanada day Friday national empanada day Empanada Is that like the Mexican dessert kind of Yeah it's not that good Sorry Sorry it's not that good I've been kind of roasting Mexican food lately

Just tacos and empanadas With a caramel apple empanadas. With a caramel apple empanada? Yo. You know, uh, the best, hands down, best dessert, like, culturally is a million percent

American style. Dude, other countries, I guess they don't fuck with dessert like us, but like Italian dessert, I'm like, this isn't good. It's not. Tadalucci and shit. We always used to have that at my grandma's growing up. You want a Tadalucci?

I'd be like, not at all. But where's the apple pie and ice cream? I'm from America. What's the other one? Cannoli? Those are gross. Whoops. They kind of are.

Like, I'm just like, ah. It's whatever. Ew. What's a German dessert? German chocolate cake. Looks like a baby threw up on dessert? German chocolate cake. Looks like a baby threw up on top of a chocolate cake, now we're serving it. German dessert.

I don't know why, I just think this is gross. Ew, it's like way too dense. Everything's like truffle, truffle, truffle, truffle. Oh, shit, you know how to slept on dessert? Slept on dessert. Slept on dessert is... I'm saying slept on dessert so many times because I can't remember what it is. It's the chocolate eclair cake.

Oh, with the graham cracker thing? That was danger zone. Slept on. Oh god god with the icing on top dude when my mom made that shit oh jesus christ somebody make that nobody makes that anymore oh god dude i would destroy a row dude my mom would make dessert sometimes with us growing up and like we'd eat like a piece a piece i couldn't have more than one piece because i don't know why dude and then my dad would come home later and he'd leave before all of us in the morning and there'd just be just rows taken out i'd be like oh shit oh he went in oh god damn he went in. Oh, goddamn, he went in.

That's crazy. He's a maniac. I don't know what I was really saying, though. I was probably like, wow, dad's psycho. My dad would just take rows. Row lord. What's the other? You know what's actually kind of slept on, too?

Banana pudding with, like, the Cool Whip. Definitely Cool Whip over Ready over ready whip by the way We're cool whip gang on this podcast Not ready whip gang And with the vanilla wafers in it You smack everybody in the face If you see that dessert on the table You just go around they'll let you too Here right here

Your aunt right here Thank you Now enjoy the dessert You just go around. They'll let you, too. Here, right here. Your aunt, right here. Thank you. Now enjoy the dessert. National Name Yourself Day. You ever look in the mirror and you look like your name should be something else? Me neither, besides every single time I look in the mirror in the bathroom i'm like damn my name should be jason did i just leave the other day i was like my name should be peter i look like hell dude the people at starbucks they just call me zach

i'm like my name's ben they're like i I know, but you're, you just look, you have Zach vibes. I'm like, all right. I got nothing against that. Some people just shouldn't be named what they're named. I swear to God, some days I just look like fucking Jason. Jason. Oh God. For sure. For sure. Peter. I just look at myself and I'm like, my name's Peter. It should be Peter. This is destiny. You ever think about your name and you're like, damn, that's really my name. That's crazy. Weird. People just call me that. Like, what do they really think about me? Especially if your name's kind of different and people are like, What do they really think about me? Especially if your name's kind of different.

People are like, oh, that's his name. Then I'll never fucking remember. Wow. Sunday. National Cinnamon Crescent Day. What the hell is that? Anything cinnamon. I'm straight up a slut for cinnamon crescent.

Flaky cinnamon shit. Dude, I saw a story that Drake spent like 200k on Cinnabon last year and I was like, that's what he should be doing. If you're Drake and you spend you gotta do some shit like that just to stay, like, sane. What would I spend my shit on?

If I was Drake level, I would spend my shit on just so many granola cups. Bags of granola. Imagine eating one of those bags of granola, those honey bear bags of granola or whatever, and, like, separating it into two occasions. Every time I get a bag of granola, those honey bear bags of granola or whatever, and separating it into two occasions. Every time I get a bag of granola, I'm like, gone. And that's just my food for the day. It's so good.

It's too good. I would eat granola. Benedict Polizzi spends $200K a year in granola and protein bars too. I'm such an idiot, dude. I think protein bars are the healthiest thing known to man. They're just trash. I smash them. They're so good.

And I just feel okay eating them. So I'm like, I'll eat seven Lara bars. I'll go to Whole Foods, get a salad with chicken, grab seven Lara bars and leave. And on the way to eating the salad, I'll eat all seven Lara bars. And I'll be like, not really hungry for the salad. That's his whole life. All right, fam. That will do, donkey.

It's a wrap. Shout out 205. That'll do, donkey. It's a wrap. Shout out 205. That was fun. Love you guys. Remember to join the Patreon for one episode each week. Come out to the show in Orlando. Florida fam. I'll put details in the description of the podcast.

But I love you guys. Thanks for listening, Espresso's. I'll talk to you guys next week. FM.