Espresso - something you should've gotten arrested for

Episode Date: June 23, 2022

not you again what up fam shot 216 espresso podcast with ben palizzi so uh oh yeah remember to join the patreon for one extra ep every single week kind of late on the last one it's okay uh it just it's it's just like that you know, sometimes you can't plan it, but we get one out every week and you should join. It's good. It's a lot of, it's a lot of insider info, but yeah,

I, so I was on F boy Island. Oh shit. Oh my God. How hard it was to hold back and not just say that every 15 seconds. I didn't even tell my damn dad. I swear to God, he dropped me off at the airport. He's like, you going to see your mom?

I was like, yeah. See in three months. Some people think I already, I have, I haven't done it yet though, which is insane. So we revealed it um this past uh i don't know when this is gonna come out but june 14th it comes out july 14th so july 14th i can't say much about it because i don't know like i'll start talking about it and then i'll give something away so i I'm just not going to do it. Maybe a little on Patreon. But it was wild.

All the behind the scenes stuff in reality TV. That's what I can't wait to talk about. But I'll go through episodes. And once episodes drop, I'll talk about them. And we'll have people on from the shows. Bro, it's going to be so dope. It was really the coolest experience ever. I can i can't tell you the behind the scenes shit oh god it was funny as hell because like i was the only person there that actually doesn't watch tv and especially

doesn't watch reality tv so the whole time i was like i haven't been in one fight in my life bro actually i have like two but um you'll see but all right let's get to the i'll talk more about it throughout and shit like that you know you know how we do on this pod we just kind of go we're just kind of we're just kind of that it's kind of that fudge fudge kind of therapy but let's uh let's get into it the espresso quick quick quick quick question of the week this week this is gonna be insane bro there's so many messages what's the thing you should have gotten arrested for but you never got caught. And for me, I told you guys, I'm saying it. So I was in high school and we were like, this girl's like, yeah, come over.

I'll hit you up when you guys can come in and stuff. Because we just had nothing to do and we're like whatever we'll just like we'll just come over and we'll we'll see what's up we'll like we'll like go over there it was like it was probably like 11 41 p.m and we're gonna stay there for probably like two hours and just like you know it's the only time you like come on so we went there and we're like and we're like wait we're like waiting for her to update us. Cause we're like, okay, like when can we, can we go in like your, like your back door or something?

Like, is that cool? And she wasn't saying shit back. So I was just like waiting in the car. We're just like waiting around the block. And my homie was like, yo, I bet you won't drive through that yard. And I was like, okay. You won't drive through that yard. And I was like, okay.

Then we did a couple more and that was it for the night. But it didn't turn into anything a little too bad. But it just, we're just so fucking stupid. I mean, and like part of me was like, is this even that bad? Like we lived on a corner lot in my neighborhood and people would just fucking every morning i woke up there were fucking tractor tire tracks in the yard i was like damn i guess it's just like a thing but yeah i should have been arrested for that for sure but all right let's get to the, let's get to the VMs.

My boy Max. Oh, shit. These are supposed to be anonymous. My boy. What's the thing you should have gotten arrested for? But you didn't from anonymous. I got super drunk and started to go the wrong way on the highway. Luckily, there was no one around,

and I realized what I was doing and turned around. But I vowed never to drive drunk again after that. Wait, I think there's more. I also used to sell a stupid amount of cocaine. I just left that on the back end Like oh that too shit That's wild dude I could never sell drugs

I'd like leave them some fucking stupid place You know when you accidentally leave your entire Backpack somewhere and you're like oh shit Or you're like you're like shopping At a mall and you have like a bunch of shit You're like you got your phone your wallet your keys You also have like three bags and you're like, oh shit. Or you're like, you're like shopping at a mall and you have like a bunch of shit. You're like, you got your phone, your wallet, your keys. You also have like three bags and you're like dropping them to like look at shit.

And you like leave a bag there for like two hours or at the mall and you're at another store and you're like, where'd the old Navy bag go? That's what I do with drugs. I'd like leave them outside of my car by the right back tire and be like, oh my God, that whole thing. Dude, I'd be leave them outside of my car by the right back tire and be like, Oh my God, that whole thing,

dude, I'd be so stupid. Not smart with that. I don't know. I know nothing about drugs because I didn't ride the bus on the way home from school. That's how it works. If you know a lot of weird shit,

it's because you rode the bus. Just what it is. Everybody's way smarter. If you've taken out a lump sum before, if you know who JG Wentworth is, you rode on the back of the bus, homie. If you have the strongest fingers in the United States from trying to slide down that booby trap window, you rode on the back of the bus bro but um

he said he went the wrong way down a one-way street hey i've done that completely sober and i just vowed never to drive downtown again oh damn when i well you know when you're like uh in in i was like a sophomore in high school and i went downtown for some reason. I'd like pick something up or we had to like go somewhere or like typed in the wrong directions. We ended up going downtown one way streets. What's the point, bro? I, I was blatant.

I was listening to music, just cruising down a fucking one way street. Like I own the place. Yeah. There's the's the uh there's where the colts play we had like tickets last year 17 cars head-on honking at me i was like dude holy shit that'll make your arms weak couldn't feel my arms the rest of the way home. I think I got intimidated and didn't even finish the job. I still fuck up on one way streets. I'm down. I live downtown. I know that. I know it like, I know it like easy. I could deliver fucking pizzas downtown because I walk around this bitch so much. I still don't know a one way street though.

I'm like, is it or not? I go the same way every way every time to work is it who knows dude that's how i'm gonna die going the wrong way in a one way that's the most me way to die oh fuck i didn't all right let's keep going stuff you or something you should have gotten arrested for, but it didn't happen. Yeah, something I could have gotten arrested for. I worked at a call center, and I got in trouble for saying something bad

about a customer while they were on hold. And yeah, I didn't know I could get in trouble for that shit. Like, you can say whatever you want about somebody as long as it's not to their face right but yeah you can't and I had said awful awful things

vile things about customers that I would ever ever say and didn't mean because I don't even know these people. But yeah, be nice to customer service people, because they might be able to help you out

if you are. Also, another stupid thing I used to do is I used to drive drunk for some reason. Yeah, don't do that. My advice would be to instead drive safely, obey all traffic laws,

and keep your hands on 10 and 2. Cants of beer. I was really like, oh, he's sending a positive message. Something must have happened to him. This dude, bro. Dude, get the beer. Am I the only one that thinks that's so funny?

All right, probably. Yeah, but doesn't it seem like just everybody has to drive drunk? You know, like on the way, like everybody has to be driving drunk like on the way home from a colts game i'm like you guys are all fucking drunk all of you just on the way home from anything i'm like you guys are drunk like wedding receptions i'm like everybody's fucked up it's just like inevitable don't do it unless you're on a golf course oh but that's wild yeah dude one time this is so stupid me and my dad had a like fucking like radio show this is some stupid shit so we like broadcasted games because i want to like get into

podcasting and stuff and i was like i don't know want to like get into podcasting stuff and i was like i don't know how to like i don't know what the first step is so i started and i knew football because i just played football but i didn't really know it at all holy shit talk about somebody who played football doesn't know fucking shit about it i was worse than your aunt dude if they asked me any question i was like i that's funny i kind of just go out there and do it just how i see it i don't really know the ins and outs but yeah defense they're like no we asked you what position you were i was like oh i don't know that either no i knew a little bit about it but my dad used to coach so he knew fucking everything so i was like, Oh, I don't know that either. No, I knew a little bit about it, but my dad used

to coach. So he knew fucking everything. So I was like, all right, let's call games together. I'll just like be an idiot. And you like, tell them what actually happened. And it'll be like a good combination. We'll do it for the high school. We'll get good at it. And then maybe it'll turn into something completely forgot what we're talking about. Oh but like we were overheard by our like guys at the station that like you know they made sure all the audio was good you know all that kind of shit and we thought the headsets were off and my dad fucking hates everybody so he was just laying into the dudes that were like the boss or whatever that would like make sure everything was okay and oh my dude, we,

we were making, I was too. Holy shit. Cause you know, everybody in radios is just a fucking nerd, you know, a deep down. They do too though. So it's not like a bad thing to say,

but dude, but we were just talking about their hair and shit, like just going out of our way to be fucking dickheads. And the whole time I just, I looked down such a fucking dumb ad looked at the green lights on i was like never been a more guilty like broadcast in my life that shit was so clowning oh god my dad was hella mad the whole time i was was like, this is horrible. Let's keep going.

Imagine broadcasting a game with your dad. I wanted to run my car off the highway on the way home from every game. What? Okay. Something you should have been arrested for. As a teenager, probably every time I went to the supermarket, shoplifting. Thanks, bro. Thanks.

That was nice of you. I love foreign people. They're so freaking genuine and nice. Yeah, it's hard not to shoplift, seriously. Even now, I'm like, should I just take all this candy? The candy in the checkout line. I'm like, should I just take all this candy? The candy in the checkout line. I'm like, why would I ever? What's the thing?

That's the question I want to do so bad. What's the thing you just always stole? For me, it was batteries. I'm not paying. I'm not paying. $7.99 for two stupid little... Shut up. When I was a kid, I was out of here with batteries.

So stupid. And candy, bro. When candy were in those bins in the stores... Are you shitting me? Bro, I take 15 handfuls of Swedish Fish and put them in my hoodie pocket. By the way, this hoodie is like a prototype. I'm not selling it because the Y doesn't,

it looks like it says you can't see the Y and it makes me so mad. I don't even know why I'm wearing it because I was really cold. But I put so many handfuls of Swedish fish

in my hoodie pocket and just walk around Super Target like I was a fucking mama goose. This big fucking ass just in the middle. I just thought

I was the shit, dude. But thanks, bro. Here we go. Hi, Ben. The thing that someone told me that I never forget is that when you are cleaning... Oh, shit. That was from last week. Whoops.

She's so nice, though. All right, let's keep going. What's the thing you should have gotten arrested for but didn't this sounds like it's going to be horrible just by the way he was like wait till you fucking hear this so he blew that smoke out of his nose driving home from carmel to the irvington area had been drinking all night long took half of a Xanax for some stupid reason damn

I got pulled over at 10th and Shadeland I was asleep in my car this was the beginning solid move though, solid move when you're fucked up just go, just go, just pass out you gotta pass out and officers knocking on my window i'm asleep in the car

i rolled my window down they asked if i've been drinking i said yes asked if i had any weapons i said yeah i said i've got a revolver and my uh my door panel they said okay could you get out of the car we're gonna move your car into the parking lot this is about four o'clock in the morning on a sunday morning oh man they said is there anyone you could call to come pick you up so i said yeah so i call my friend cassidy dude i feel like 4 a.m on a sunday it's just like I feel like 4 a.m. on a Sunday is just like, dude, that's trouble zone. But you never see cops.

So I call my friend Cassidy. It's about 4 o'clock in the morning. I remember. She answers on like the second ring and says, what the fuck do you need? I'm doing a puzzle. I said, I need you to get to 10th and Shadeland right now. A puzzle at 4. Who does a puzzle at any time? I got pulled over.

They're going to let me go, but I need someone to come get me. She was there within 20 minutes, took me home. Next morning, I Ubered to the T-Mobile at 10th and Shadeland and picked my car up. Oh, God. When cops are cool, my mind is blown. I think if you just tell cops the truth, I swear to God, I'll live by,

I'll die on that hill. If you just tell a cop the truth, he'll, he'll just be like, all right, bet. Like one time I was gunning it to work and it was for zero reason. I wasn't late.

I didn't have to pee nothing because those are the reasons you'd always drive fast, but i was driving so fast and i think it was because the song was on you ever like just get just zone out and the song's like hitting so good you're just like you just go like a like 160 miles an hour and you're like oh yeah rules that's what i was doing and this cop like pulled me over in, like I saw lights and I was like, Oh fuck. Yeah. Damn. He rolled out my window and I was just like,

you know, how fast you're going. I was like, yeah, like really fucking fast. Just cause I like this black eyed pea song. And I like laughed and he was like, for real.

And I was like, actually, yeah, like I've no, I just, I'm actually early for work. I was just like, I was in my zone and he was like,

Oh right. Well just don't do it again. And I was like, all just, I'm actually early for work. I was just like, I was in my zone. And he was like, oh, right. Well, just don't do it again. And I was like, all right, bet. Boom, boom, boom. Got to get that right when he left. I swear to God, I just told him the truth. And I have 16 guns in my trunk. Yeah, bro, you got let off easy, dog.

A gun and you were, I mean, you were asleep and you can have a gun, right? As long as it's like registered. Don't know anything about that. Let's keep going. Oh, shoot. So yeah, one time when I was like 15 in high school, I thought I was so rebellious and I went to CC's Pizza with a big group of my friends and I didn't pay to get in because I...

Dude, has everybody done that? CC's Pizza with less than six people like what's wrong with you you got to go with a group of 30 so it's not weird but and yeah and yeah you don't sneak past them since i was with so many people well the lady who was uh to cash cc's pizza is five dollars all you can eat to here comes over to me and asked to see my receipt and i tell her i threw it away in the garbage can and she replied to that saying we actually don't have trash cans and cc's like in the dining room at all so she's like oh well you must have threw it away in the trash can in the men's uh bathroom and i said yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and she said oh yeah we uh we don't have garbage cans in the bathroom but nice try on my face would be so red five minutes to leave before she called the cops on me and yeah i boogied on

out of there they don't have trash cans anywhere in that bitch in the bathroom dude I'm so bad at lying I would have been like just take all my money I'd be like here's $30 let's pretend this never happened and can you make me one of those cinnamon pizzas on the way out so bad at lying except for about a show I was on let's keep going so in 2018 I made a fake website with my brother oh god this sounds so good except for about a show I was on. Let's keep going.

So in 2018, I made a fake website. Oh God, this sounds so good. This sounds so good. I got to like catch my breath. Impersonating the local government in my hometown of the St. Louis area. I used Facebook ads to promote a story about how tattoos were actually banned in the city. Well, the local news picked up the story

about it being a fake website and all, and it actually aired on the 5 p.m. news in St. Louis. The tattoos being banned story caught on like wildfire and the whole website. I think I'd like about like 250 K views before it got shut down in about like five days or so. Never got arrested. I do have a link to prove it. So you can actually watch the video too. Yeah put oh he posted the link bro like what that's like lit that you did it but like wow i mean for what i guess just like stir some shit up it's good like that's kind of good maybe you made a fake yeah you're just like you're just fucking with people i guess i do that on like a regular basis, kind of. So I'm with you on that.

But damn, you got to be bored. You made up a whole story. News people are so dumb. If anything happens, they're like, get the car, let's go. It's always the dumbest thing. A fire hydrant. Yeah, the cap fell off the fire hydrant on 95th and keystone

back to you it's like sick bro that's what that's crazy bro facebook ads for nothing damn with that kind of with that kind of voice and that kind of you should like you should nothing. Damn. With that kind of, with that kind of voice and that kind of, you should like, you should honestly, you should like hack people's computers or something. I'm not,

I'm not, I'm not telling you to do that, but I think, I think you're the right fit. Don't do, don't do mine. I should have gotten arrested for being on a float trip underage with at least seven bottles of alcohol we got pulled over by the by the river police oh those river police bro you got your id we're like

no we're on the river and he was like all right just put all these in plastic containers. You can't have glass. And that was it. It also helped that I used to be hot. Oh, shit. That's how you leave a voice message right there, bro. Those little enders are so sick. Oh. I used to be hot.

Oh, God. I would never, damn. Yeah, but those river police are like fucking dogs, bro. You got glass, huh? Those just fucking take you down. River police are like, they should work for the FBI. They probably found Bin Laden. Just if he has glass on him. Right there, right there in that house.

In that house. Fucking river police, bro. Who hasn't been like interrogated by a river police? It's happened to everybody. I'm like, damn, can we just have fun out here? Shit. Every time I go out on the water for no reason. Every time I go out on the water for no reason, every time I go out on the water,

I sound like a fucking idiot. It sounds like a country native. Every time I take her out on the water, something got to happen with you rascals. Always fucking up in all the water and the glass. No, but seriously, every time I've ever like gone on a body of water i'm like always getting pulled over and interrogated by something i'm like can we just no one knows the rules we just want to

like just get on a raft and shut the fuck up for like seven hours and maybe get a tan and probably do like three illegal things we don't know are illegal but can you let us please sir Things we don't know are illegal. But can you let us, please, sir? Let's keep going. Passing out drunk in this person's yard on 4th of July with my friend. And the neighbors woke us up throwing water balloons at us. Fair. And maybe like 10 minutes later state police showed up but we were

damn i feel like they might have gotten in trouble for throwing water balloons at you though just stuck around yeah right bro no chance i swear i could outrun a cop though. The most athletic cop I swear I could fuck in a backyard. Are you serious, bro? You know how many times I played fucking freeze tag? Jesus Christ. Yeah, but if somebody's drunk like passed out in your yard, you can definitely just throw water balloons at them.

It's like a playful way to be like, get the fuck out of here. get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Right in the face. You know when you throw a water balloon at somebody and it doesn't break and you're like, oh, that was disappointing.

It's worse than cracking somebody's back from the front. You know, you do that real perverted thing where they cross their arms and they like get in front of you and you fuck them that and nothing cracks i'm like well uh you want a date now nothing worse than uh that and throwing a water balloon at somebody it just smacks the fuck out of their back i did that to my cousin one time on fourth of july we were having a water balloon fight was having so much fun i was like i'm gonna fuck my cousin up because you just do that's what you do you fuck your cousins up so i had this water balloon fight. It was having so much fun. I was like, I'm going to fuck my cousin up. Because you just do. That's what you do.

You fuck your cousins up. So I had this water balloon that was so ready, bro. And I just fucking whipped that shit at him. And I didn't even like, I did some dick shit. I did some older cousin shit where like, like we didn't start yet or the game might have been over. So he was just like moseying around and like walking with his head down. I was like, oh, wrong place at the wrong time.

Jakey fucking wailed it out of his back, slapped it so hard, broke on the crabgrass in the yard, and he just started scream crying. I was like. I just got down on my knees and put my hands on the back of my head. Waited for execution by three of my family members. Let's keep going. In college, I couldn't find an easy way home. I didn't know the town very well.

I was a freshman. So in the city, I drove on the sidewalk for about three blocks before I found my turn home on the sidewalk. That must've been a thick ass sidewalk. Yeah, I can see that though. Like I'd fuck around and drive on like a bike trail for like a minute and be like, Oh,

this isn't the fucking my bad, dude. You guys are always on our fucking road anyway how's this taste I would definitely drive on a bike trail for like 14 hours oh it's not a lane

one time oh this is so fried I should have got arrested for this for sure so I didn't know what was going on and I One time, oh, this is so fried. I should have got arrested for this for sure. So I didn't know what was going on. And I hopped into like a funeral line. And we were just moving, bro. I was like, and then like two things went, two blocks. I hate blocks.

What the fuck are blocks? Maybe like four miles went by and I was like, I'm in line for a funeral. Cause like half the cars didn't have flags. So I was like, Oh shit. I was like, I thought we were just out here just making time. And then I just fucking,

it felt so good, bro. Cause it was like rush hour. It felt so good. I just kept going. Oh, shit. Oh, God. It felt so good.

And then I felt like somebody poked their head out the window and looked at me like, we'll kill you right here. And I was like, all right. I'm good. I saved like 10 minutes. I'm good. You guys go.

Go. R.I.P 10 minutes. I'm good. I'm good. You guys go. Go. R.I.P. though. Damn, yo. That was crazy. It just... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for that. Whoever...

Whoever's funeral that was. I swear I didn't know for a really long time. But then I did kind of milk it like one block. Maybe two. What a feeling. Never felt anything like that. Let's keep going. So one time i was on vacation in barcelona and i was walking down the street great voice and i saw this place that rents out really nice cars like lamborghinis um ferraris and stuff for like an hour at a time and it was like 100 bucks or something

and i like cars so i was like i should do this just to say that i've driven a lambo and so i walked in and i was doing all the paperwork that they make you do before you drive one of them and i was only 17 at the time and apparently the age to be able to drive in Spain is 18. So I just put that I was 18 so that they'd let me drive. Anyway, I get in the car, and there's a guy with me so that I don't just steal the car. There's a dude in there with me, and we're driving along, and we come to a stop sign he's like

and he's like rev the engine a little bit see how it sounds so we're at the stoplight with a bunch of people around and i just rev the engine of this fucking lamborghini and it's so loud um and then the light turns green i start going and i just hear a shit ton of sirens out of nowhere and these cops on fucking mopeds come out and pull me over and um apparently it's illegal to rev your engine at a stoplight like that so i got pulled over they took my license they're like you're not 18. You shouldn't be driving. They got me out of the car, padded me down, took all my possessions,

checked everything I had. And I couldn't understand what they were saying because I don't speak Spanish. But the driver that I was with was translating for me, and he kind of had my back for some reason and he talked me out of it pretty much oh shit what a homie i feel like see people in other countries are so dope if that would have been here and you didn't know and it was the opposite the guy would have taken advantage of you and like taking your fucking wallet so yeah i probably should have been arrested but i got out of it sorry for message. No, it was actually pretty put together. At first, I was like, this is going to be a long one.

But it was like, you did it. And dude, the loud rev. Oh my God. At a stoplight. He probably felt so cool for like one second. I could never drive a really fancy muscle car. Muscle car. Am I 78

I could never drive one of those cars bro could never do it I'm just gonna I can't I just said muscle car we gotta we gotta get out of here can't drive a muscle car unless you're five six and you go to LA fitness every day and have a big duffel bag and like a big jug of water and have like a like a big bald head some in two years dude so uh i used to work at an after-school daycare and me and this uh aftercare worker oh no we're uh oh yeah feeling each other's vibes if you know what i mean shut the fuck up so uh we went to the school lounge it was at an elementary school you watch too much porn and uh got a got a good bead from her um i have a feeling that might have sent me to the police if anybody caught me at an elementary school. Oh yeah. Fuck.

I would have, that would have been, I can't do stuff like that. No way. I can't even do that kind of shit in my dreams, dude. I'll feel guilty. Like if I had that opportunity in a dream and I was at an elementary school,

I'd be like, fuck no. Even though I'm, I know I'm in a dream. I'd be like, Oh no. The dream, the dream cops are like,

get me. And then I'll like something will happen in a dream. I'd be like, oh no, the dream fuck, the dream cops will like get me. And then I'll like something will happen in real life. Karma from doing this in this dream. Like I'll like, I just can't imagine having a sex dream where like there's not something wrong. Who can just have them? How horny are you guys where you can just have a sex dream and wake up and be like,

that was so hot. I wake up and I'm like, oh my God. I had a sex dream last night, but I had a paper due at 5 p.m. the same time. So I was like freaking out. And I just, the girl was just helping me write the paper the whole time. That's exactly what would fucking happen. And I still got an F. She doesn't talk to me anymore.

Damn it. Every dream. Especially a nap, bro. How can you take a nap without something just so horrible happening in your dream? Every nap I wake up and I'm like, oh. Okay, I won't take a nap god damn close my eyes for three seconds the devil's in front of me throwing up i'm like all right i'll go back to what i was doing wasn't tired anyway take a power nap how do you call it a power nap when yeah just throw the word power in front of a nap just to make you feel not feel like a total piece of shit while you're slobbering on your

couch power all right next okay things i should have been arrested for but i wasn't it was one of them one night i have a friend he's gay his name is James we were driving home from the bars he was driving home I should say he had way too much to drink I had way more we get almost home we get pulled over it's like three in the morning the cop pulls him out of the car he's like you know have you been drinking? Yes, sir, I have. Obviously. He's arrested on the spot. He's in handcuffs on the ground. There's like a freaking drug dog beside him.

No joke. I'm sitting in the passenger seat, like shaking to my boots. Like, oh, this is it. I'm done. The cop comes over. He's like, OK, miss, are you going to drive home? I can barely say yes. I'm so drunk. And I'm like, yep.

And he lets me get into the driver's seat and proceed to drive home. It was only like five minutes, but absolutely did nothing to me. Arrest my friend. He did arrest the friend? That's the end of it. Wow, dude. that's the end of it wow dude do cops just do that sometimes just to like

keep their reputation up cops could honestly arrest everybody every second I could get arrested every time I get in the car for sure just for something illegal turn back there probably I don't know there's so many rules

I just gotta to go somewhere. Like, just... I think cops, like, do that sometimes so they're, like, not complete dickheads even though they are. I could go on all day about that. Cops don't do shit.

Okay, sometimes they do, but cops don't. A lot of times, I'm like... like like if somebody breaks in your house and then leaves and you call the cops the cops are like yeah pretty much uh just uh lock your door next time you're like what about like all the shit what about my like what about what about how i'm scared as fuck now from. All right, let's keep going. This isn't me, but one thing one of my best friends did. Okay.

That she definitely should have gotten arrested for. Was we all got really drunk and we went to a concert in New York City. And she had to pee really bad and she couldn't hold it. We were in the middle of the concert. Completely understand that. And this story is definitely about you. And it was in like this gigantic warehouse and she just starts peeing. She's wearing a dress with no underwear.

The most girl thing. She starts peeing in front of everybody and a bunch of cops see her and they come over and they're like, we're going gonna need you to walk in a straight line and so she sassily walks in a perfectly straight line and then like dips into the crowd and they couldn't do anything they couldn't find her so that was

gross I guess love the pod oh thank you. That was so you, though. Good for you and your sassy walk. No, that's wild, though.

When I gotta pee, I just gotta pee. I would do some shit like that and be like so obvious about it in my head. Like, you ever pee behind your car door? As a guy, it's so easy, but I'm still like, oh, God. But at the same time, but I'm still like, oh, God. But at the same time, I just have to.

I cannot, bro. I can't do anything when I have to pee. It's just the worst. I pee before everything, even if I don't have to. Pee before this podcast. I don't even know if anything came out. I just had to stand in there and be like... I don't even know if anything came out I just had to stand in there and be like

sometimes you need a little pee break when you don't have to pee break you know it like helps your mind and shit if you're doing something for a long time I'm all about that now just take a break alright let's keep going so the thing that I got arrested for but uh did not i assaulted a police officer

with a sharp object that i had in my hand i don't recall doing that that because I was having a psychotic episode, but I took the sharp object and I hit the police officer in the face with it. Bro. And apparently he had a very large scratch on his face and I did not get arrested for it. So there's that. Yeah, I know why. Because he wanted to beat the hell out of you. And he was like, duck can't do it. Uh, just, just walk away. Just walk away before I do something stupid. Just walk away for sure. Wow. You stabbed a cop's face and got away with it oh my god how good did it feel oh damn stabbed him in the face oh shit the fact i would i've been like there's cameras there's cameras every time i do anything

and get away though i'm like there these cameras. These cameras. These cameras, I'm fucked. I wonder what it was. You have to know what you're holding. Was it a knife? Hmm? Hmm? I pictured like a big piece of glass. For some reason, I actually pictured an icicle when she said that.

And like went like this to him like. You know? Not like a, get out of here. But like a upper like, like one of those. Like you'd knife somebody in a video game. But it was with an icicle for some reason. And the cop like, if we're all picturing this, the cop was like kind of like a husky guy and he had like a five o'clock shadow. And he's like, oh, ma'am. But I think he had something going on in his head. Like, like something was probably going on with his wife.

And he was just like, get out of here. Keep going. All right. This might be the most recent one. This is for your anonymous post you just did, but I've met you on either Fridayiday or saturday at 16 bit oh god and when i left me and my buddy dalton we hopped on a bird together and he was behind me and i was driving it and on like delaware and uh i think delaware and pennsylvania he was trying to knock a ball out of kids hand we smacked the curb and we both flew off i sprained my ankle we both got

all scraped up and shit but two cops were sitting at the intersection out of their car and they started screaming at us. They hopped in their car and we like cut down an alley and shit to get the city way, which is where I live. But definitely, definitely close call for DUI. Just some dumb shit.

But that was probably the most recent close time about getting arrested. Oh boy. Oh man. recent close time about getting arrested oh boy oh man i just had like a flashback in my head of some shit that's wild i saw you at 16 bit i hopefully i didn't say anything to you because everything i say at 16 bit is like that's literally all I said to you and then he almost got arrested I should have been arrested for talking but damn man

glad you got home safe that's a wild night I'd be like paranoid that the cops for talking but damn man glad you got home safe that's a wild night i'd be like paranoid that the cops were gonna knock on my doors like at any minute but damn you flew dude if you ride a bird scooter like you're getting hurt it's just what it is what i rode one for my first time and i'm not gonna lie that shit was amazing i see why everybody does it i told myself i was never gonna do a pedal bar just because i'm this kind of guy and i'd never ride a bird just because everybody does it i wrote my friend it's because somebody paid they're like i'll pay for your bird let's just go to and i was like okay whatever i'll do it i felt like a goddamn superhero.

Butterflies in the sky. You can see me flying by. Take a look. It's Benny P on a line bike. I can go anywhere and probably get there in 30 seconds. Take a look. It's Benny P on a line bike. That's how I felt. Then I ran to a curb and tore my fucking cartilage in my wrist.

On a line bike. No, those shits are powerful though. But I can see how you get hurt, bro. On the road too. Nobody on their open road. Lime. At like 130. On a lime bike.

I go to any bar I get a drink I go back on I'm really scared and get off and walk let's keep going

the thing I should have gotten arrested for but didn't was October of 2020 I went to Walmart to get a pumpkin for Halloween and I bought some other groceries as well and checked out

and forgot to scan the pumpkin and when I was leaving the store I realized it and ran to my car because I was afraid they were going to come after me for stealing a pumpkin it's always a toss up when you accidentally steal something you're like oh because I was afraid they were going to come after me for stealing a pumpkin. Ooh. It's always a toss-up when you accidentally steal something. You're like, oh, okay.

Hmm. Should I be on Ocean's Eleven? Or should I return this pumpkin? You know if you take it back in the store and you're like, I forgot to pay for this. They're like, you fucking idiot. Get out of here. You rookie. You mama's boy.

Steal something for once in your life. Yeah, that's the karma thing for me, too. I accidentally stole a bottle of wine and I was like on the way home. And then I was like, oh, home and then I was like ah damn I'm probably gonna do something stupid with this wine cause that happened trust me haven't paid him since

but I did do that what did I accidentally steal the other day that was like crazy it was probably nothing it was probably like chapstick and I was like ooo like accidentally stealing stuff is so because like you know nobody really watches you ever you could you could probably if you wanted to you could steal a lot of shit like all the time every time you go grocery shopping with the self scanners dude for sure

but if somebody was actually watching you and you accidentally steal something they're probably like dude. For sure. But if somebody was actually watching you and you accidentally steal something, they're probably like, that's the smoothest bitch I've ever seen. God, get out of here. Go. You deserve it. You deserve that pumpkin. You deserve that stapler you didn't

even want to buy. Get out of here. The alarms on the doors don't even work. You know that. They don't. The only time they go off is when it's a fuck up. I'm like, I've definitely paid for everything. I feel like such a crook. Everybody in the store looks at you.

Oh, a thief. You don't belong in here. Get out of here. Then the guy's like up hey go ahead it's my fault and you're like thanks piss off becky nothing more embarrassing all the alarms in the store about one stupid ass shirt you're not even gonna wear again Like I don't even want it. You fucking want it, Brett? Yeah. Then ring it up right here. I'll give it to you right now. Fuck off. Go to Kohl's. I don't know if this is newsworthy, but I think I should have

definitely been arrested for two things. One, I was driving for five years or so with a suspended ID driver's license. I didn't even know I'd never been pulled over in my car, which by the way had super illegal modifications and black tint. So don't know how I never got pulled over for one. And two, being pulled out of the car and saying, I didn't know that I had a suspended license for X amount of years, probably would not fly. So I would have gone straight to jail. I'm sure. So me, I went to the DMV to renew my license and they charged me twice for two

different things. And I asked why. And they said it was to reinstate my license. Welcome back to being one of one of us. They said, and I was like, Oh yeah. Good thing.

I didn't drive here oh shit i never know anything i'm so glad there's someone else like this i never know shit i'm like my plates are expired they're like yeah since 2013 i'm like oh all right uh glad you told me because i wouldn't have known until I died. And I know my license was suspended because I got a fucking cell phone ticket because I was getting directions. But luckily, my friend was a cop in that area. So he said, OK, send in the paperwork, petition it, whatever, and then I'll just make sure it disappears. Well, I left the country for like a month after that. disappears well i left the country for like a month after that and i had paid with a temporary check because i'm a millennial who uses a fucking check right and they ended up sending it back

with a notice and by the time i got back that was the day that my id got suspended so i had to go to the courthouse oh my god expired um driver's license and uh that was wild too but i thought by paying the fees it was reinstated automatically i guess fucking not dude you're so smart for saying all those courthouse bmv reinstated plates cell phone bill check there were so many adult words in that i wouldn't have paid any of it either i'd been like too much that was wild i couldn't even keep track of that story that was too many hurdles to jump over for me for me let's keep going two more three someone left their credit card at a gas station, like air pump for to put air in their tires. What'd you do?

What'd you do? And I used it to get gas. Oh, shit. This is kind of funny, though, because when somebody like, you know, when somebody steals your credit card and buys like a bunch of weird shit, you just get the money back. I think it's so weird. I'm like,

damn, that's not like my L. All right. People get away with that shit all the time. It's always gas to just full tank full guilty tank drive down the road. I'm like, like this is gonna light on fire some shit guilty tank of gas big fickle fucking trip home all weak in the arms

let's keep going i've never stolen anybody's credit card i did try to steal a check one time when i was in high school but it was like my friends i was like i don't know i took it you want it back i don't even know if i can cash it actually i don't know anything about checks just take it how about we switch it up and make it what i did get arrested for that i shouldn't have um as one does in college had a nice house party with my of-age friends. My underage roommate was not there, but his underage friends were going to try to come by and basically surprise him for, you know, job well done on your finals birthday kind of celebration. They came by and he wasn't there. They had their own beer, so I said, yeah, come on in. I don't have to supply you with anything.

Long story short, girl from my hometown who now I know exactly who she is. Oh, yeah. It's always the girl from your hometown. I called the cops on my house party. This bitch. And handcuffed me, arrested me because there was reports of underage drinking going on that I supplied at my house party. Hmm. Always the hometown shorty.

Just being nosy. You didn't bite me. Fuck you, David. Fuck you. And she calls the cops and kind of feels bad, but girls don't ever feel bad. So they're like, fuck you. Yeah.

Take him to jail. One more. Well, I have to say there's a few times I probably should have been arrested. For starters, I was a bit of a klepto. No way. She sounds like she should have gotten arrested. You sound so... I would have cheated off you in English.

Oh, in high school. And every time we would go to the mall, like my friends would have me steal stuff. So bad that one time I walked out of Michael's craft store. Oh, you would steal from fucking Michael's. Oh, you have Michael's voice. You hella took some poster boards. I paid $400 worth of paper just to see if I could do it but that's not the story I'm gonna tell paper when I was in college I went to school in upstate New

York and the Giants had won the Super Bowl so my friends and I decided to drive down to the city to watch the ticker tape parade oh dude that was that's who rolls in indian apples i'm having a guy moment go ahead um and i didn't really drink much in college i don't i don't really drink much now anyway and i smoked a lot of weed back then um you so that day i should have been arrested because i probably smoked in like four different, I think there was like a Wendy's bathroom, a Starbucks bathroom, and a Five Guys bathroom. Damn. I'm hungry.

I don't know where that cut off, but a Wendy's bathroom, Starbucks bathroom, Five Guys bathroom that I think I probably hit a bowl in. While we were coming back, I took my car out of time. And I had like a nice sports car,

so I was reckless as is. But basically my car at the time and I had like a nice sports car. So I was reckless as is. But basically my car ran out of gas on the highway and we had just finished smoking a bowl. So my car like reeked of weed and a state trooper pulls over. State trooper. I have to get out of this car because if they come over here, they're going to search this car and they're going to find like paraphernalia and they're going to find weed. I'm effed. So I get out of the car. I like lean into the, the, um, passenger side, which by the way, probably 10 out of 10 do not recommend doing this to a state trooper. Um, and there was like somebody in the driver's side, I mean, the passenger side, I was super high out of my mind. I just like freaked out for a second. I'll never forget that.

high out of my mind i just like freaked out for a second i'll never forget that but basically they put me in the back of the police car and they had me hold paraphernalia that should be a rapper's name my gas can so that they could take me to the gas station to fill up my ass but i like what i'm talking like i was on another planet i was just sliding back and forth in the backseat of this cop car, just like in another world. Super paranoid. I really don't know how they didn't catch me. Like I got to know like like I literally just came out of the hot box because I did. Yeah. So not really sure how to get arrested or even have them search my car um also don't recommend being in the backseat of a cop car they're not

the most comfortable uh but i guess bless up and thank my lucky stars good story stole paper from michaels dude that's such like a my older sister thing to steal paper 400 for the paper would you resell it online for 430 that's so crazy high in the cop car wow i'd be freaking out i'd be like they're taking me to like my fucking like uncle's house or something. So he could whip me. Oh, shit. Okay. Damn.

That's it, yo. Question of the week was lit. Thing you should have gotten arrested for. We might switch it up and do thing you got arrested for next time. Because those are sexy. But okay, y'all. Damn. Thanks for the voice messages.

Remember to keep leaving voice messages because the actual messages don't do anything. And I just have to tell you to leave a voice message and you just wasted time writing one. And I'm like, this is just a big waste of time. So if you could just leave a voice message, it just makes it so much more legit. If you don't mind. Um, yo, stay tuned to everything going on. F boy Island dropping July 14th. It's going to be wild. It really is. I'm not just saying that it was the craziest thing ever. Uh, I got videos on YouTube. Remember, subscribe. Tell your homies about the podcast on Apple

Podcast, Spotify and all other platforms. And yeah. I'll talk to you guys next week. Hi fam. I don't know why I did that with my fingers. Face. I'll shut up.