Espresso - spress therapy

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

on this episode Ben answers the Espresso Question of the week: what are you freaking out about? (like long distance moving) Ben shares why he loves attending funerals, breaks his chair mid therapy session, and says that he's a god now that he has a megaphone

Check, check, check, check. What's up, fam? Espresso Podcast Shot 211. Espresso Podcast Shot 211. I'm your host, Benedict Polict palizzi it's gonna be a thick one tings and home homeboys and tings and homegirls and mommies and daddies hey remember to join the patreon for one extra episode a week uh it's a it's a fun little time over there we get a little we get we get a little personal but it's cool you should check it out there's a bonus videos and all types of behind the scenes stuff on patreon at benedict polizzi check it out and remember indiana land 500 day party

it's happening next weekend so may don't know the months. May almost said March, May 28th, noon to four parties at noon to four, but I drive at 10 and two. But yeah, it should be fun. There's going to be there's going to be a DJ no cover.

So just walk in and be an idiot and we should be good, no cover uh i know there's something else oh there'll be drinks there'll be special guests it's gonna be a good time for real it's right in the in the in the middle of the day it's right in the middle of the day there's gonna be shit going on you know 500 indie 500 weekend it's gonna be fire i'm actually excited to have it at tin roof i've been to tin roof like two There's going to be shit going on. You know, Indy 500 weekend. It's going to be fire.

I'm actually excited to have it at Tin Roof. I've been to Tin Roof like two times, and both times I'm like, too much for me. But this will be fun. I've never been to Tin Roof during the day. Big nighttime type beat. All right, so shot to 11,

let's roll through the espresso. Quick, quick, quick question of the week this week. We're going to do a little therapy therapy with Benny. Uh, so let's talk. What's, what's,

what's bothering you right now? What are you freaking out about? For me, I told you like, this is always kind of on my mind but i kind of just push it back because i'm like whatever there's like 17 000 things in my trunk that i need to return but i'll just never do it like i'd rather instead of returning something i'd rather buy it again like if i don't have scissors i'm not did you hear my throat dude i i okay past the past the the question of the week i just ate so much beef jerky i've had

so much i've had more beef jerky in the last 10 hours than i've had in my whole entire life i went to a funeral the other day by the way funerals kind of lit. Why? Why? Like you go to a wedding, the expectations are high. I'm like, ah, kind of overwhelming. You go to a funeral, expectations are low. It's kind of like we don't know what to do. We're kind of like nervous. So everything's funny. I thrive at funerals. If you got a funeral invite me give me can there be plus ones to funerals dude i'd kill what oh shit but uh no i went to a funeral and on the way there it was like super weird with my dad my new mom and on the way there uh we went to the gas station i was like i'm gonna be so i didn't eat anything the whole day because i was like hella busy. And I was like editing that cat calling video. You guys saw it,

but I didn't eat shit all day except for a banana that was like laying, laying down in this room. I edited the video right over there and there's a banana over there. And I was like, yo, can I eat this? And Wyatt was like, yeah, for sure. So I just ate a banana in like 0.2 seconds. I don't even think I chewed it i don't even think i i unrolled the banana or whatever i always do it from the bottom because like you know how monkeys monkeys do monkeys open bananas from the bottom like not the stem part and ever since i heard that i do it that i do that every time i don't even mess with the stem because you know what sometimes when you like peel i kept saying unroll a banana like it

was a window sometimes when you peel a banana and you like take the stem part and like crank it it doesn't like snap and peel and then you just you just like mush the top of your banana and you're like god damn it so i just go from the bottom give it a little flick i don't even think i chewed it i took it out of the peel and i was like, I ate it like a cartoon. It was just like so hungry. That's the only thing I ate all day. Then we went to Michigan and on the way there, we stopped at this subway, the subway that was in a gas station.

Like already, like when I see a subway, I'm like, I'm like, I think I can only get veggies i don't really know it seems like veggies are the only fresh thing here even though tomatoes are white you ever go to subway and they put white tomatoes on your sub and you're like all right guess i'll turn into a vampire now but no uh so i get rotisserie chicken because that's the only thing i eat ever get on the sub it's the weirdest transaction of all time grab a bag of beef jerky because i'm i'm like i don't want to get by like three subs right now because i'll eat all three in the car

so i need like something else what's the other thing i can buy at a gas station that's not like horrible for you beef jerky bought it accidentally told one of my uncles i like i liked beef jerky and he bought me like an entire like bag from a gas station he's like hey they make beef jerky and it's like really uh they do it like they do it there and he just kept talking about it i was like oh damn and then he shows up with it and i'm like he really got this it was the nicest thing ever but i knew deep down that I was going to eat all that beef jerky in 0.7 seconds. I kept it in my car. You ever keep food in your car?

You're like, I can't even bring it in. If I bring it in, I'm done, dude. There was like all these baked goods and bakery items like at my aunt's house before the funeral. Like my dad went out and bought like all this, like all these baked goods. Like, cause literally I was the only one staying in the house. And he thought like, I don't know. Every time my dad buys food,

he buys it in like quantities of like 670. Be like, hey, I'm going to go get pizza. Just me and him. He'll come back with seven Little Caesars pizza. Little Caesars pizzas. I don't know why I just left the S off. I just forgot. I just dropped the S off like it was a cigarette butt pizza. So he brings home all these donuts, all this Panera shit, the bagel hero thing, just everything that's like my favorite thing that i don't want to eat so i take beef jerky and all

that bread home and i'm like i can't bring this in if i bring this in i'm eating all this tonight that means like seven donuts six bagels a whole like it's like a like a strudel ring why does that sound sexy a strudel ring sounds like something you buy at cirilla's but yeah all that shit had to keep it in my car i'm like i can't bring that in or i'll literally eat all of it tonight what i do at midnight uh walked down to my car grabbed it all brought it upstairs and ate four donuts and everything bagel before you go to bed. Imagine your breath in the morning and then imagine eating an everything bagel before you go to bed and then imagine your breath in the morning. I'm just going to keep mouthwash by my bed or something on my windowsill, but then I have nowhere to spit it. Maybe I just spit it out my window.

Anyway, so that was my night. That was my whole entire weekend. Just gathering food like a scavenger and just putting it in my house. Threw it all away this morning. But damn, I have beef jerky body right now. I'm like, my mouth is permanently everything bagel and beef jerky, right? This audio is probably not even coming. I'm just melting the microphone. But yeah, it was good. i was gonna say so oh this megaphone from that cat calling video you know like that that polite cat calling video was crazy it was so fun but the the benefit i just have a megaphone now and i used to be scared like i used to be scared because i had a megaphone back in the day and i like lost it somehow. Imagine losing a megaphone.

I just like left it at a park and I was like, what the fuck? So somebody just has a badass megaphone out there somewhere. Definitely a homeless guy. But I have a megaphone now and I live on Mass Ave. So I'm just like if anybody acts up outside, like I'm god now i'm god i'm the voice of the skies sixth floor mass ave you say one wrong word dude a hobo the other night i said hobo a homeless dude the other night was like hey hey you know hobo i'm talking about if you live like close be

i knew that was gonna happen hey don't lean back don't lean back don't lean back hey you probably the hobo sky probably fell out of his chair too and i just got the megaphone out and i was like shut up never heard him again that's what he did all right so uh now that i talked, I had to tell you guys everything in my entire life. Let's get to the espresso. Quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. Yeah. Therapy with Benny. What's freaking you out right now? I can't return stuff. That's my thing. And there's a deep origin story to that. It's because my dad never

my dad returned everything his whole entire life like every single thing i told you i told on the on the on my instagram i was telling you like one time he honestly took back he was waiting in the customer service line customer service line of like 12 people with mustard he just like likes that power of being like yeah i can't i'd rather take the l man mustard sometimes you just gotta eat one man like yeah the mustard's gonna stay in your fridge for way too long like it's just it is what it is sometimes you fuck up and you buy spicy mustard you just take that that's your ass nah dude my dad will wait in line all morning my mom texted me too after i uh after i said i don't like taking shit back she was like i love taking i love taking stuff back she's like wake up early and go to the customer service line at 9 30 back on the card i was like i don't know i don't know if there's like some weird some weird

undertone there i can't i don't care i'd register the money and the time isn't worth it but that's my shit all right let's go um benny therapy session with benny from anonymous what are you freaking out about what am i freaking out about yeah stop caring about what other people say about you even if you find it out in gossip because guess what no one cares. So he's freaking out about people caring about what they think about him. Here's what you should do, bro. You should, when people are gossiping about you, and you're freaking out about it, I'm not and you're freaking out about it. I'm not saying you're freaking out about it,

but if it were to happen and people are talking about it, here's what you should do. You should listen to them. What do they say? Dude, when people are gossiping about me, I like kind of want to know what it's about real quick.

Like, because like what? Listen to them. You don't have to about real quick like because like what listen to them you don't have to act any differently but like probably listen i don't know but yeah you shouldn't care what anybody else says about you but low-key like kind of kind of don't you want to know you're like wait a minute like why would they think that maybe that's maybe that's me that's my shit i'm like wait, why do you say that though? There was something I did. I don't care. I don't care at all. But like, where do you come up with that? You should listen to him, dude. Maybe you'll, uh, maybe you'll like correct yourself on some, on some shit. I'm good at taking feedback. I take all the feedback dog.

If you got a question or concern or some gossip, like I'm good at taking that shit. Maybe I take too much of it. I don't know. But yeah, don't, uh, don't care too much,

but you should still listen. Could be valuable. You know, you never know what somebody has to say that you like didn't even think of. All right, here we go from anonymous therapy with Benny. What's freaking you out? Moving from Indiana to Colorado in two months.

Ooh. Moving LD, girl. Long distance move. Dude, I traveled one time from Indiana to Colorado. Traveled like in a car. That was the craziest thing I've ever done in my life drive across the country dude i've that's when i knew i was from indiana when i saw a mountain and i was like ah i like thought like a i thought like a fucking uh like a mountain lion like at any moment i thought a lot like some animal was just gonna tackle my car

i felt like we couldn't there were like there are like parts of the road by the way i'm just sitting on a broken chair right now look at this fucking chair yeah so driving indiana to colorado So driving Indiana to Colorado. Jesus Christ. The amount of times I've sat on a broken damn chair, like when you're at a cookout and like one of the legs is like. One kick, bro. And I'm down for the count.

Yeah, I drove from Indiana to Colorado. It was the craziest shit I've ever done in my life. The shit i saw and the amount of times i thought we were gonna wreck there's like parts of the road that you can like they like have them there so you can drive off because it's like so like the turns are sharp like if it's raining out if it's raining out there's parts of the road that you can just drive off of because it's you're going to wreck. They know you're going to wreck. They're like here. Here's a road.

So you don't fuck your entire life up. Safety first. But you're moving from Indiana to Colorado and you're freaking out. Here's what you here's what you should do. You should... just not move. Just stay home. Why are you worried?

I guess you should worry if you don't have a job or something. That's a little uncertain. Not saying I did that or anything uh went to la didn't have a plan just went ran out of money couldn't get a job dude i thought when i went to la like i applied for every job that they had i think i damn near applied for the ripley's believe it or not museum tour guide every single job and then i all right, I got to get the fuck out of here. Everything in LA is so fast. And it's so busy. You can only do one thing a day in LA. In Indianapolis, you can do 14 things a day. I can record two videos eight podcasts to do two shows and go to bed at 8 p.m

in la i'm like all right i can eat dinner and that's it i don't even have time to fucking wash my car in la everybody wants so much money in la one time this dude gave me the shittiest look because i didn't give him a tip after I got a car wash in LA. It was a weird as fucking thing. He looked at me like I killed his whole fame. I was like, bro, I don't have. I give him like five. What should you do?

Hopefully you have a job out there. If I had a job anywhere that was like what I wanted to do and like like a perfect scenario i would i'd be so down to move like who cares you're leaving like your friends behind probably should anyway turn the page baby girl yeah but if you're not ready if you're scared just don't move all right let's keep going what are you freaking out about right now therapy with Benny

from anonymous yeah it's freaking me out that I don't own a home at 32 and now it looks like I probably never will. So. Yeah. As a fucking boring as baseball game in the background play.

That's freaking me. This is. Yeah. This is depressing. Anytime. Anyone. Someone could like wish me a happy birthday but if i heard a balls and strikes count in the background i'd be like i'm too old i'm too fucking old for this you're freaking out that you don't own a house

uh why would you though don't ever own a house is my answer to that freaking out you don't own a house go back go and live with your parents this is imagine me being a therapist though honestly like what if i really said this kind of shit go back and live in your parents house with them and then remember how many goddamn chores you have to do cut the grass take out the garbage you gotta fix the window you gotta stain the deck you gotta fix the tire swing you gotta buy the shed you gotta build the shed there's so much shit with the house why i'm trying to figure out why anyone lives in a house.

There's so much shit. You got to paint your mailbox. Your shed's got to be the same color as your house. That's the most suburb rule of all time, dude. Like in the hood, bro, you just got to survive. In the suburbs, you just got to make sure your shed's the same color as your house. My mom told me that rule when i was a kid i wanted so much shit when i was a kid mom can we get a shed like what kind of kid wants a fucking shed i wanted it all i was that kid at

the store you couldn't take me to the store i wanted every fucking thing mom can we get noodles just anything mom quick i was i was putting like i was putting in work to get one of those playgrounds in the backyard when i was a kid you know it's a different color like awning yellow blue red i just wanted to sit up in that in that little fucking house up there and just piss all day i would piss off that little house so many times. I didn't like have any, like I had two older sisters, but they weren't going to play with me.

I was literally just going to be on that playground, just laying on my stomach in that little house up there. I've tried to put in so many, just every mom, can we mom, can we mom, can we, didn't they build a fucking

school behind my house? Didn't need a playground anymore. Actually, when they built the, they built like an actual fucking playground behind my house. My mom lucked out for that shit, but I still never even went over there. I still wanted one in my backyard. Ah, he's a spoiled boy. No, but why would you freak out i'm gonna have an apartment my entire life i swear my grandma was like 80 i don't even know how old and she like had the dopest like

condo apartment thing ever you don't have to fix shit somebody just comes up and fix your pipes dude if our drains clogged i'm like hey the drain's clogged and then somebody fixes it in the next 48 days that's a bitch when your drain's clogged you gotta like take a shower and there's like standing water to your shins oh shit you forget every single time you get back in the shower i'm like oh fuck the drain and finally my roommate's like yeah man can you send off that email i'm like yeah then i forget for two more weeks he's like can you send out that email i'm like oh yeah i'll do it real quick and then i find something else to do on my phone and i forget again so then we just start taking

baths ew bro no but don't move don't move away from your apartment you crazy ass what are you thinking i don't know i also don't know any like like house terminology so i wouldn't be able to buy like a house some fucking guy oh my god you know how somebody calls you like randomly and they're like hey uh you know you just get like a number. All the random numbers, like spam numbers I'm getting now, they look like my homies' numbers. I'm like, how are they doing that? This is like some fraud-ass guy calling you, but it looks like your childhood best friend's number.

It's like 317-865-9912. And I'm like, I swear to God, that's Kevin. Is thatvin's house that he grew up at does his mom need help with something what if his mom's dying should i pick it up i'm like that number looks so familiar so i pick it up it's like hi how you doing this is uh this is danny this is dan this is dan plinko from uh century 21 housing how you doing and i'm like hey like did i make an appointment what the fuck he goes are you thinking about selling your house anytime soon and i was like started reevaluating evaluating my life like this guy on the

on the voice messages i was like damn should i be owning a house right now people are obsessed with owning a house if you're owning a house right now? People are obsessed with owning a house. If you're owning a house right now, how? I don't even know. I'll never know what a mortgage is. I'll never know what a deductible is.

Nothing. How? And anybody talks about their house. How? It's cheaper, bro. You're going to have to do the math, homie. You're going to have to show me the math, even though I'm not going to know what's going on. You're going to have to show me the math. But yeah.

Don't be scared, bro. Apartments all day. Apartment gang. All right, let's keep going. Espresso, quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. What are you freaking out about? Therapy session with Benny from Anonymous. Honestly, there's a lot of things freaking me out right now.

But just the thought of gas going above $5 and fucking groceries and formula. Moms aren't able to feed their kids. Everything, okay? Working two jobs, still not making enough money working two jobs. Starting school on top of working two jobs. Having to move because my apartment complex was shot up a couple weeks ago and i have a toddler that has a stomach bug and my grandpa just died so there's a lot of freaking things freaking me out right now it's too many emotions for a human brain to handle jesus christ that's a lot to unpack girl that sounds like you actually need a therapist.

At this point, I'm literally about to break my arm or leg so that I can meet my deductible so I can go get some actual mental help. You just got to take it day by day. Here's what you should do. You should... This is what you should do. You should this is what you should do.

You should put your kid up for adoption. No, honestly, here's what you should do. You should I don't know, dude, right? Oh, dude, you, that sucks. I don't know the gas thing. What are you going to do? You don't have enough. You're working two jobs. You still don't have enough money. Yo, if you had enough money, you still wouldn't be happy. Think about that. People that are broke.

Imagine making enough money and in like enjoying yourself. People that, people that are broke. Imagine making enough money and enjoying yourself. People that make enough money are fucking... They're worse than the people that are broke. Yeah. That's a lot going on. I think you need to do some yoga or something. Do some yoga. Get your mind off of it.

Baby boy will be okay. Give him a little 7-Up or something. Some saltine crackers. Isn't that how that works? 7-Up and saltine crackers every single time I had a stomachache. It did help for like seven hours actually. Every time I have a... Give him a little Pepto-Bismol.

And you're good. Once he stops crying, you figure everything out. It just all unfolds. What are you going to do about gas, though, you know? Ride a bike. Ride a bike with the old homeboy on the back. That always looked dangerous as shit.

When you watch it, you ever see like a guy and a big ass bicycle and his kids in the back and the baby's like dude they go so it's like this fucking seat this baby's fucking waving side to side like they're doing this like they're at a fucking concert. To this chair. But yeah, gas, you can't do shit about. I've never looked at a gas price.

Just, you know, what are you going to do? Steal gas? You know, you just got to rock it out, girl. I don't know what your job situation's like, but once a baby's okay, you're good. You know, a little Pepto, a little Pepto will make it happen. One of those little tabs. Every time my stomach hurts, fucking, I'm like Two-Face, flip the coin, put it on my tongue. Stomach aches gone.

Two minutes. All right, let's keep going. One. What's the thing that you're freaking out about right now from Anonymous? Therapy with Benny. What up, man? You know what's freaking me out right now, dude? Literally fucking everything, dog. Everything is freaking me out right now dude ever just go outside

and just look around that shit now that's scary bro homies on drugs didn't you you could hear it right here literally fucking everything dog everything is freaking me out right now dude you ever been too high because that's what that is you go outside and you just look up you just look up at a tree and you're like i don't know if i can do it anymore that is crazy is there a worse feeling this dude's going through that shit right now he didn't say one actual thing ever just go outside and just look around that shit now that's scary what i see the other day that was the scariest shit of all time it was just like the most normal looking object and i was like you ever just see a light off in the distance and you're like why is that on

there's something so fucking weird oh god damn this little fucking this light in the in the like in the corner of my living room it's like got one of those knobs that you like it's like really smooth and you you can go like brighter or off it's like on dim dim dim a little brighter a little better a little better a little brighter bright as shit but i like tried to turn it off but there it wasn't enough so it was like right before that walk out of my or like i see i like the i see under the door you know you see under your door in your room my door is closed it's just a fucking it looks like a goddamn rave out there

whole entire apartment's lights are flickering I'm like what the got me for a sec it's always that kind of shit that scares me that like doesn't matter at all like but why did it happen though all right let's go one more what's the thing that's freaking you out right now from anonymous therapy with penny okay i'm currently freaking out about just the idea of getting older um having to have enough money to do things like buy a house and then i'm supposed to get oh my god and have kids no you're not and that just doesn't sound fun um it just but

you're supposed to do it i guess um and And I just want to like not, you know, so freaking out about that. You got to live in your fears, girl. So guess what? Got to get married to the first guy that likes you. No, don't do that. That's what everybody actually does. People get married just because they think they have to. I don't do that that's what everybody actually does people get married just because they think they have to i don't know there's like a timer in your head just don't i promise if you don't force it you'll get married way fucking quicker than you just being like don't force it baby g i'm not i swear to god i won't get married or buy a house maybe until i'm 81 then who even cares telling you

let it come to you I could never that's the only way I would buy a house is if I got married you can get close dog out here dodging bullets for a couple years who knows what would have happened you ever just think like damn what if i never would have gotten out of that relationship you'd just be married as shit after like two years of dating someone it's like

you know you said like all your aunts and shit are like so you're gonna do it you're like shut the fuck up your friends are you gonna do it you're like wow am i probably not i couldn't i don't know if i will i ever want to get married what if you just what if i just didn't what if people that didn't want to get married just didn't would it be is it such a crime does anybody care you're gonna be all alone i'm like yeah that's a shit you're gonna be by yourself yeah i know i already am it's great i'm trying to why don't i care at all i think i might like being alone too much it's so perfect it's so good i just sit in my room and i'm like damn this is great there's nothing wrong with that just do that shit until uh you actually blow your head off and get married

sounds like a plant that's a that's a that's espresso therapy therapy with benny on the espresso podcast no that was good shit thank you guys for uh for what you're freaking out dude it's it's kind of wild that you guys just trust me with that kind of stuff but that's how it goes people buying houses shut the fuck up part me gang all right y'all shot 211 espresso podcast with benedict palizzi remember to join the patreon for a wild little extra ep every week remember to come to the indianaland 500 there's going to be videos and stuff cranking out this week i'm going to do some content with the boy Joey Molinaro,

who's at the track, OG Espresso. We'll probably do a podcast next week or something. But I love you guys. Remember to tell your friends, rate, review, subscribe, and I'll talk to you guys next week.