Espresso - strange addictions

Episode Date: October 27, 2020

WOAH It's spressy boy's bday 🥳 on this shot Ben responds to DM's about the fam's strangest addictions ... like getting drunk and drinking ᶠᵘᶜᵏⁱⁿ milk......... lol He talks like Future and calls out the guy that created Mattress FIRM + makes additions to the "don't say these words" list . Bday Boy realizes you're immune to COVID if you've ever been to a CASINO, confesses his love for halloween and ...... tells you why papa johns has the best breadsticks I SAID IT B*TCH. He goes #Viral and does #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😉 𝘿𝙈 𝙤𝙧 𝙏𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝘼𝙉𝙔 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙙 ! >>>> 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄! <<<<< 𝗨𝗽𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘄𝘀: Wednesday 11/4: Helium Comedy Club - Indianapolis, IN Friday 11/6: 1340 Studios - West Hollywood, CA Wednesday 11/25: The Caravan Comedy Club - Louisville, KY 𝗣𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗼𝘂𝘁𝘀: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave One Media. If you want to start your own show, visit thewaveone.com. What's up? Hold on. Start that shit over. This is... Hold on. That's me on Halloween.

That's me trick-or-treating as a kid. And the lights are off. You know those houses you go to and you're trick-or-treating your kid and the lights are off? And the doors houses you go to and you're trick-or-treating your kid and the lights are off? And the doors, it's like they're super not home. Like when you roll by a restaurant and you're like, are they open? Are they open?

You look in the windows and all the tables are up. You're like, ah, fuck, definitely not. That's that house. That's me. This is me at the doorbell. Even though my mom's like, they're not home, but you can try it. This is me at the doorbell. Ringing the doorbell ringing the doorbell i told you they're not home the lights off quit bugging them they probably are home they just

don't want to deal with you but they usually have nut rages stop it dude trick-or-treating though like what a thing like parents love trick-or-treating, though. Like, what a thing. Like, parents love trick-or-treating just for the sole reason. It's like, well, it is a little exercise. Don't go up to that house. I don't like those people. But, Mom!

Trick-or-treat. Trick-or-treat. Trick-or-treat. Trick-or-treat. Trick-or-treat. Trick-or-treat. Dude, the only thing I remember about trick-or trick or treating growing up was just my dad being like, Get off the grass! Seriously.

Just the most excited kid in the world, going around with candy, never been more hype, eating sugar all day, right when my foot touches the grass. Don't cut through the yard! Touches the grass Don't cut through the yard Dude if I even If I even cut through Like someone's yard now My dad like

Like something triggers In his head He's like What was that If I cut through the yard When he's sleeping He like His eyes open

You always see one kid though On Halloween With the costume that you wanted You're like fuck Like what kind of parents do you have That just lets you like Walk around in like a flannel shirt Jeans and like this scream mask with blood Running down it's face

My mom was like you need to Think of a creative costume Yeah you need to use your head You can't just go and buy a hideous mask But why'd that go so hard why is that this I always wanted to be something scary But I ended up being like something like kind of like funny scary like I wanted to be something that was gonna like Terrorize your brain, but instead I was like a mummy with a big smiley on what's up shot 130 i'm in the og studio today just cuz you know just cuz we're trying some

things out we're going to wave one and we're we to figure it out, but your boy isn't... Your spressy boy isn't 100% comfortable yet, so we're gonna, you know, we're gonna figure it out. But I'm in the OG studio. It's good. Life is good. What song is that from? Oh, whoops. This.

Got a paddock on my wrist going nuts. Man, a house in Rose. Life is good. You know what I mean? That right there. When somebody asks me, how's it going? Me every time in my head. Life is good.

You know what I mean? But really, I don't say that at all. I want to say that, but I can't say it that cool. So in real life, I'm like, you know, another day. Life is good. You know what I mean? That. You know what I mean? That.

That'd be so funny if you did, though, if you talked like that, like how he's rapping. You know what I mean? Between everything he says, he's like, yeah. Life is good. It makes it sound so much better. You know what I mean? Like... You talk like that? What'd you have for dinner?

Uh, had a little bit of chili. Ooh. Oh, yeah, what was on the side? A little bit of garlic bread. Uh. Do you have anything for dessert? I just put some peanut butter on an apple. Woo.

Everything he says, like, everything he says is that tight. Hey, man, what's your, if you had to pick, what's your favorite appetizer? I'd probably get the sampler platter with the mozzarella sticks, chicken tenders, and fried pickles. Hey, why do you like the Steelers? Why is that your favorite football team? I just got a Steelers helmet one time when I was a kid. Like, we got it from this garage sale.

And ever since then, they've just been my favorite football team. The most normal thing. When's your birthday? This Tuesday? I'm in the OG studio for the third time I've said it And one of my headphones is out So I have no idea Maybe I sound super weird and I don't know

You guys can hear things I can't hear It's like every time I do any type of cardio You know you have like your bar set for how hard you can go in cardio? You run and you run that far usually every time. You don't really push it unless you're a crazy workout guy. You know what I mean though? That one time you train with somebody else and they're pushing you super hard. Every time I do cardio and I'm going over my limit, I go deaf in one ear.

It's exactly what this is right now. Like, it's always like something on my face always goes when I'm like, like we had to train in college one time. We had to, we had to, we had to, um, we had to run up this hill and that's the worst thing of all time. For football, like in the summer, we had summer workouts and we had to run up this hill and then do push-ups and all types of burpees, dude. Why are burpees the worst thing of all time?

I'd rather sprint a 5K than do like eight burpees. I hate burpees. Why are they two burpees? And I'm like You know what Thinking about Focusing on school This semester

Why are they called burpees Ew dude Like Could it be Any worse So At the top of the hill We do burpees

And up downs and shit It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life Didn't we have to run down the hill. And running down a hill, you're always like, well, at least we get to run down it. But running down a hill is, dude, that's kind of hard sometimes. You know, like you ever run bleachers and you run up and you're like, oh, it's tough. But then when you run down, you feel like you just took eight shots of Patron.

Dude, why is it so hard to like, it's like on the way up, it's like a good workout. On the way down, it's like, try to survive. When you're running fast down a lot of stairs, you could die at any moment. Yeah, I don't know how I haven't tumbled down. And the stairs you're always running up and down are like, why do they always, they're like the sharpest concrete of all time. They might as well have like thumb tacks on them spikes on them what the hell were we even talking about uh cardio yeah oh one time we were doing that workout for football

running up and down the hill and doing all that shit on top and running down drunk and uh i felt like like for some reason i don't know why this happens when I get super tired, I lose my hearing in one ear and I feel like all my teeth are going to fall out. Every single time, dude. Just one by one. It just feels like they're all going to fall out of my mouth. Does anybody else have that? Not that you can respond to this or anything.

Actually, yeah, DM me. When you get tired, what's the thing that goes first? My hearing and my teeth anytime i do like a hard workout i immediately turn like into an 80 year old hey how you doing one more time sweetie can i hear you but you know it's just one of those things where you got to do it and Life is good No, but the real reason life is good honestly is because It's my birthday I don't know when this episode is gonna drop but uh, it's my birthday this tuesday october 27th

2020 So thanks guys. Thanks for rocking with me. For real. I love you guys. Got some really good feedback the last couple days on podcast videos and it's just tight that you guys are really fam. But people I serve at the restaurant I work at,

like every single time, no matter what, I talked about this on the last podcast maybe, but everybody just acts like it's their birthday at restaurants just so they can get free stuff. And I do it every single time. I don't even care. You could, it could be my mom and she'd be like, it's my birthday today. And I'd be like, okay, you want some bread? You want some free bread?

I'll put a candle in it. No, that's my move though though This girl showed me this thing She was like yo If it's somebody's birthday Bring candles And put it in this bread And bring it to them $50 tip

And I was like Okay mommy So anytime it's anybody's birthday I'm like Happy motherfucking birthday To you Right? How old are you? 52 Happy motherfucking birthday to you. Right? How old are you?

52. Happy birthday to you. And at the end, I'm like, blow it out. Make a wish. But people at restaurants, seriously, they'll be like, we're celebrating my birthday today if you're gonna fake that it's your birthday just say it's my birthday today today because when you say you're celebrating your birthday people celebrate their birthdays for like 19 weeks oh because when they

say oh i'm celebrating my birthday today i'm like well, well, when is it? And they're like, it was July 13th. I'm like, all right. I think they're scared that I'm going to check their IDs and see when their birthday really is. And it's not their birthday. But the thing is, when I look at your ID, I don't look at anything. When I look at your ID, I look at the state that it's from. And I'm like, oh, cool. They're from Missouri. That's weird.

All good, man. Probably going to get fired, but hey. Yeah, but anyway, birthdays, you know? It'll be fun. Everybody in my family hates birthdays so much, but my cousin hates birthdays so much that it's like unbelievable. She said, like, before she got to work, all her coworkers decorated her, like, cubicle, which sounds gross already. The word cubicle, it should be in the category of, like, cocktail and crotch rocket. I hate those words. Who named, imagine, let's call it a crotch rocket. That'll catch on.

So I was, I was with this dude the other day and he was talking about this style of jeans where like they go a little lower And they're called drop crotch. Who thought that was a good idea? You know, it was somebody in a hurry. Just like, ah, to fucking drop crotch. And then they printed it. I don't know. To fucking drop crotch.

There's a lot of, there's a lot of words that I'm like, did you guys, who signed off? Every time I pass by mattress firm, the place, I'm like, who was like, oh God, I can't think of a name. Mattress Firm. It's like the title of the store. They like filled it in on the wrong line. They're like, oh shit, I think I put the description of our store as the title. Damn it! Can we change that? No, we already sent it in. Alright, well, we're rolling with it. Mattress firm!

I like the busiest boss of all time. His co-worker's like, hey boss, what should we name it? And he's like, um, what are we selling again? Sorry, I'm doing a lot of things. Oh, we're selling beds! The guy's like, um, are they again? Sorry, I'm doing a lot of things. Oh, we're selling beds. You guys are like, are they fluffy or what?

No, not really. They're just, you know, they're a little tougher. Just, I don't know, just name it like we usually name all the off-brand cereal, too. Okay, so, like, instead of Captain Crunch, it'd just be Sergeant Smash? That's it. That's alright. Mattress firm. What?

But yeah. Okay, yeah. Somebody was... I have the most ADD ever today. I'm sorry. But you guys love it. This... Okay, yeah. My cousin. They decorated her cubicle and ADD ever today I'm sorry but you guys love it this okay yeah my cousin they decorated her cubicle and they put like happy birthday you know those like happy

birthday like they spelled out like on fishing line and those big balloons like all confetti cupcakes all over her desk everywhere like party city it's obviously her birthday dot com type shit. Like they decorated all that stuff like when she left the day before.

So when she came in the office, it'd be like there. And she got to the office earlier than everybody else. And she took it all down and popped all the balloons and put it all in the trash. Like, sorry, no one's that brave. Like, sorry, no one's that brave. Can you imagine your co-workers like, oh, Jesus Christ. Was it the wrong day? Did we?

It wasn't. Did we pick the wrong? Oh, she's just, oh, she has her headphones. Oh, my God. Well, hope you got my card, Lindsay. Yeah, so birthdays, but it's good. Dude, I'm 30. Oh, I'm 30.

Why is it? I don't know like you know You know When you don't when you like reality Hits you and you make up something to make you Feel better this is mine I'm 30 Why is it kind of hot

Oh I'm so fucking stupid Dude why am I like yeah it's Kind of hot though 30 When I think of like 20 year old guys, I'm like, eh, get the fuck out of here. When I think of 30 year old guys, I'm like, uh, what, what'd you say? Like, yeah, I kind of want to, I'm kind of interested in what they're talking about. Are older guys a thing? They are now, bitch. No, but are they? I don't know. 30 year old guys? 30. 30. I have a beard. How 30 am I? On a scale of like 1 to 10, how 30 am I? I'm probably like a 6, right? I'm not like totally 30. I'm not like totally 30.

Like if I didn't have this beard on the 1 to 10, how 30 is he? I'd probably be like a 2. Just because I have a TikTok. What am I talking about? No one knows. Alright, dude. So the longest intro of all time. Shot 130.

130 and he's 30 30 Follow me on Twitter Instagram Cameo D-Doc Oh all that Benedict Polizzi Alright let's get to the money I put out a I put out a story on Instagram

What's your strangest addiction? I've got a story on Instagram. What's your strangest addiction? I've got a couple, honestly, but mine is definitely the foot thing. Rubbing your feet together before bed. Who doesn't do that? I don't think I want to talk to you if you don't do that. Actually, when I was growing up, I've said this before, but my mom used to like one time I like I was with my mom for some reason. We were like super hype. Like before you go to bed, you know, you're super hyper as a kid and your parents like calm down.

You need to go to bed. Maybe it's just me. Maybe not, though, because everybody's super hype before they go to bed. I don't know why. I don't know why it is. But I was like that as a kid, like multiplied by a thousand. And I ripped off my sock. And instead of saying foot, I ripped off my sock and I was like, get a, so from now on my mom only calls feet Gibby's.

I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. But like when I was growing up, I always used to move my feet around like that, my strange addiction. I used to do that before I go to sleep, and my mom, like, sometimes I'd, like, be by my mom. You know when you're, like, growing up and you're, like, sleeping by your mom or something? I always used to rub my feet, like, against her leg. And she'd be like,

Benny, your gibbies are on me. Gibbies dude You know how people are obsessed with feet Like that's like the trendy like hot thing Like what if some dude slid in your DMs And was like let me see those gibbies It'd be me We were talking about We were talking about words that only your family says.

This dude said, we were talking about the garbage disposal. And he, out of nowhere, was like, my family used to call that the Jimmy. It's like way more doable than Gibby's, but the Jimmy. Can you imagine your mom like, just put that, you know what? Put it down the Jimmy. The Jimmy. My friends that I used to go to all the time, his house in my neighborhood, this dude I used to go to all the time. They used to, like all I did when I went to this dude's house was like just play video games and eat their food because that's what I couldn't do at my house.

I loved going to this kid's house because it was like heaven. Heaven! Go over there and play PlayStation, which I was like foreign to. I only played video games growing up in like Best Buy, like the test consoles. And I was the kid that was on it for like 17,000 hours and they're like hey you gotta let some kids there's a line of like 26 behind me and I'm like uh uh uh uh

playing the same level of a video game like 65 times in a row okay this kid had Playstation in the fattest food of all time and I was like in a basketball court in his backyard dude that's why I'm the way I am the fattest food of all time. And I was like, in a basketball court in his backyard.

Dude, that's why I'm the way I am. Anyway, we'd be watching, and they had like a dope TV, obviously. And anytime we were watching TV and they couldn't find the remote, they'd be like, where's the channel channel? You know when shit like that happens at your friends and you just like keep it in the back of your head. I think I was like, what the fuck?

They call it the channel channel. Yeah, but my mom calls them gibbies and that's gibbies. So stupid. Okay, yeah, but if your family says weird words, let me know. And we'll talk about it on the next podcast. But this podcast is strange addictions. And I rub my gibbies together all fucking day baby All day and night

In the morning, at night I don't know what it is I just like, I like it when people I like it when people beat my gibbies up So that might be part of it But somebody DM me and they're like I do the same thing, it's called cricketing Cricketing.

Cricketing. Right when I get in bed. Right when I sit down on the couch. Yeah, whenever you hear crickets outside, it's literally me. It's not even them. Hey, you want to watch this movie with me? We can cuddle. Right when I get under the blanket. Fall asleep at the airport on accident. It's not funny, but it is. I don't know why.

That's my whole life. It's not funny, but it is. But let's get into the other ones. You guys are like, finally, Jesus Christ on earth, heaven almighty, God, our father. Here we go, motherfuckers. Okay. Strange addictions, Lily Raffy. We need to get on it here. My strangest addiction is literally analyzing the skin of any guy I hang out with

so when it becomes more comfortable between us, I can eventually touch it and squeeze anything that needs popping. I guess, no. That's not that weird. Messed up, I know. Also, she is too. Also, I'm part of the one pimple on my face at a time club. Literally never without just one honker.

Okay. The words you guys use. Do you guys do that on purpose? I always wonder that. I'm like, when they're sending me and stuff, do they use the grossest word, honker? What if somebody came up to you and they're like, hey, I got something on your oh what is it it's a honker i'd be like excuse me a fucking honker you got a honker on your face but yeah popping stuff i get that i'm the i'm the pop guy too

everybody kind of likes that right right? That's like a guilty pleasure. Strange addictions, faux underscore six. This dude said first and five. Oh my Football, football guy. Every time there's a sports reference, though. Are you ready for some football? Oh, my God, dude. Every time any guy wakes up. Are you ready for some football? Oh, my God. Your dad's, your dad's ringtone. Hello. What's going on? Yeah. First and five, though, in the football universe.

Pretty lit. Pretty lit D&D down in distance. Hot, hot, hot. Strange Addictions. The Treat Trail game on the PetSmart app. First of all, who the hell has the PetSmart app And who's playing games on it, dude Oh, you can get coupons For PetSmart

By playing different levels of their treat trail game On their app Dude, guys swear to god Girls will do anything for coupons. What is that? My sister texts me every other day and it's like, hey, if you buy 17 waters at Whole Foods, you'll get three free. And I'm like, I don't give, I don't want, I'm not thirsty. How about that?

And I'm always like, I don't think it's worth it. And she's like, it is. And then I end up buying 17 waters and sending her a picture and drinking none of them i'm just like just i don't know why i had to do this for you but here you go i can't be bothered by coupons man i cannot i don't care i'd pay $19 not to use a coupon. Strange addictions. Do seasons one through five of Jersey Shore count? I definitely should have watched Jersey Shore or been on Jersey Shore,

but I just had no interest. I don't know why I can't ever. I can't watch anything. I can't do it. I can't do it anymore. Anytime anybody's like have you seen I'm like Have you like some people start to catch on there I have and they stop talking for like 13 seconds and say something else heavy Say how you doing today, dude And I'm like,

life is good. You know what I mean? Okay, here we go. Strangest addictions, Matt underscore Myers. My hands can't be dry, so I'll have to rub lotion on them. That's not that strange. But I can't stand when my hands are dry. When my hands are dry, I can't function in society. I'm like,

no, no, no, no, no, no. Going back upstairs. Don't care how late I am. I gotta put lotion on my hands. It is such a weird thing. But when my hands are dry, they look like a grandpa on his deathbed. You know when you see somebody's hands that are really old and you're like, hi!

You see a grandma's hands and you're like, what is wrong? I can see your bones, kinda. Your skin's melting, mamaw. That's what my hands look like. So I feel you, Matt Myers. I guess a lot of people luke santa luke underscore santa strangest addictions tweezing body hairs that's more than an addiction that's like a problem you have houston every morning dude i got this one right now right in between my eyebrows. Right in between my eyebrows.

And it's this little hair, bro. And I swear to God, once I get this thing, like you ever plucking your eyebrows and like, you ever plucking your eyebrows and you like take the tweezers and go to get it and you're like, here it is, baby. But the tweezers like cut it. So it's even harder to get. You're like, oh, what the fuck? And then you got to it's even harder to get you're like oh what the fuck and then you gotta wait like another two days and you get it again you're like here it is god please don't cut it and then it cuts it you're like i hate these tweezers the the tweezers that

are that are a color like black or like you know you like get them in a kit or they're like super special. Don't work. You're missing out. The straight chrome joints they can pull. Not that I ever groom myself or would know anything about that. Strangest addictions

are Gary 10. Drinking milk when I'm drunk. That's number one I think right now because nobody wants milk when they're drunk, dude.

Drinking milk. I just had 10 shots of tequila. You got any 2%? That's so sick. Yeah, I just had like a case of beer. Need to coat my throat. Need my whole throat coated.

Milk's already gross, but the worst part about it is like how your voice changes after you drink it. You're like at a party, take a shot, drink a glass of milk, and you're all, what's up, all those? I like this song. Milk voice. Hello, dude. Is that a Herschel syrup laying around here? Just wondering.

Come on, baby. Okay. Strangest Addictions, Cassius Redgun. I have to look at my phone for six hours ruining my night of good sleep. Oh, that's not strange, baby. That's a way of life. Seriously, though. Strangest Addictions HuntJ24

Gambling and Diet Coke I don't think I could ever get addicted to gambling Just because casinos Ugh I guess you can gamble in other forms But casinos are so gross to me Like I don't think I'll ever Like it turned me completely off to gambling

How come every casino is like the unhealthiest environment of all time you walk in and you're like uh what I'm not supposed to be here it's like that you get hit by a cloud of smoke dude every time I walk into a casino I immediately get. Everyone there is like using a ventilator. I'm like, you're on a machine and you're on a machine. Okay. And like, even the people that work there, I'm like, everybody that works at a casino,

it's all their first day every day. Okay. Okay. Strange addictions Glenn Lorenzo Glenn Lorenzo Can't talk Drinking celery juice every morning That's good though

I'm sure that's like healthy somehow People I'm starting to understand that people really hate celery What's wrong with celery? I hate it when people hate fruits Or vegetables and stuff that are like Aren't bad at all Like celery, it like barely even tastes like anything

Get over it People are like, I hate cucumbers I'm like, they barely, it tastes like water Like I understand if it was like Undescribably disgusting But it's like, dude Like dip them in hummus and shut the fuck up But celery

Like you didn't eat celery when you're a kid with like peanut butter and raisins on it and we're like, yeah That's my shit Ants on a log as a kid Like that's respect for celery. so celery is the vehicle for my peanut butter intake I like celery yeah I did that I did that when I sent out the strangest addictions story on Instagram I did it with my hair out for the first time ever and people are like bro here's looking tight. Thanks, y'all. And if you have questions, hit me up about the hair stuff,

because I'll say everything. Strangest addictions. I think that's it. Yeah, I think that's it on that. Yeah, so strangest addictions and that was fun uh i think next week's i i do want to do like what's a what's a word your family says weird that nobody else says i want to do that so bad like my like our family just called like clothes you sleep in my family just calls them like instead of like pajamas my family calls them jammies is that like some family slang like is that cool like your homies like yo we call them

pajamas and i'm like yo we just call them jammies for short you know how we do it it could be cool maybe it's cool no it's not cool when i think it's not cool. When I think of jammies, though, I just think of like that onesie you used to sleep in when you were a kid. Did everybody have one of those? That was one of those things my mom was like totally out on. And then I opened up a Christmas present and it was a Buzz Lightyear one. I was like, oh, school! Something about, ew, I felt like I was always so sweaty underneath that, though. That's such a weird kid thing, a onesie.

With your feet. I was always, like, super active in those. Like, felt kind of good on your butt a little bit. You're like, yeah, what's up? Running up the stairs, you're like, mm. That's stupid You're like meant to be active in it though Because

Like it had grip on the feet Like you don't put grip on the feet It's something you're just gonna sleep in I'm going crazy baby I'm going crazy on the stairs The stairs were like my Chuck E. Cheese My DZ Discovery Zone when I was a kid

Dude I used to swing around those god damn rails Like I was Tarzan Every time I go down the stairs, Benny, stop. Benny, it's dinner time. Stop. Okay, let's go viral. Viral. I like totals Viral

Hashtag An odd favor to ask Sorry I just like threw up Hashtag an odd favor to ask If I could I would just ask everybody to squeeze my feet. Okay, and do you need anything? Is there anything I can help you with? Every time somebody says that on the phone, or like at a restaurant or something,

when you're sitting down, they're like, can I get you anything else? I'm going to be like, can you squeeze my T's? Why did I say that? can you squeeze my T's? Why did I say that? Can you squeeze my T's? Can I, is that gonna be all for you guys? Can I get you anything else? I'm like, can you squeeze my feet and beat the shit out of them under the table?

What if somebody really said that? I'm gonna start doing shit like that. Can you bend my toes all the way backwards till I go like this? Oh, that's perfect. Yeah, that's my odd favor to ask. Squeeze my gut. Beat my feet.

What do you want for... Yeah, okay. On the phone. Is there anything else I can help you with, sir? Mr. Palsy. They never say my name. Because they don't know how to say right so they're just like is there anything else I can help you with mr. Ben can you beat my feet excuse me can you can you put my ankles in a chokehold like they're crocodile and my feet will

just be kind of going crazy like in your your, in the, you know, in your form, that little crease in your form and bicep, like they'll be going crazy right there. And then can you just headbutt them like that? Goodbye. Text from my parents. Dude, you ever send your parents a text that isn't supposed to go to them? Really, anybody. When you send anybody a text that's not supposed to go to them, it's like, oh my God.

Like not in the flow of what you're talking about at all or have ever talked about at all. The other day I like captioned a picture and I sent it to my sister. Like, what if I put that, what if I posted that? It was a picture of me looking at a dog and I don't know why I thought this was funny at the time, but the caption was neighborhood dog slut. That's what I put under the picture that I was going to post like in all caps. and I sent it to my dad but the thing is like and he texted me back and he's like you're crazy and the thing I know he was like like you know he kind of laughed but he has to like put on a front that is like you're

insane for that but like dude that's funny neighborhood dog slut because you know every neighborhood has one and right before i sent him that picture i asked for where the lighters were in his house so it didn't help text from my parents my sister's always used to, this is like super weird. I probably shouldn't say this, but my sisters always used to look through my dad's messages. How can girls do that? I don't get that at all.

I don't care who the person, I could be dating Kim Kardashian. I'd be like, I'm not looking at her messages. Like that's literally the last thing I want to see. Girls are like, what's brewing in the messages? What's going on with your Texas? You living in Texas? I'm going to be living

with you in Texas. I don't know how you guys do that. That's such a big thing, trend. When you go to the shower, take your such a big, like, thing, like, trend. Like, when you go to the shower, like, take your phone with you. How do girls just look through everything you're talking about in your life? So weird, but.

Dude, they always used to look through my dad's text and, like, tell me about it. And I'd be like, oh! Like, everybody's the same weirdo, you know? Like, the way parents talk when they're like hanging out and stuff like divorce parents when the way divorce parents text each other is the most like Cut to the chip like they obviously they don't have time when you're like when you're like younger and you're trying to like Hang out with a girl. It's it takes like almost two months to like get past the bullshit dude when you're a parent it's like when we fucking i i wish i had that kind of like tenacity like do people like that i don't i kind of like the game

a little bit i could never just be like, sex. Now. Dude, if you're 75 and you want to have sex, that's what you send. You're not like, hey, what's up? What you doing tonight? Like normal. You're just like, sex now. Dot com. Sex now.

And then the person texting back doesn't even, they're just already at your house. They're like, now sex. That's what they say during it too. They're like, sex now. Now sex. Sex now. Now sex. That's what they say during it too. They're like, sex now, now sex, sex now, now sex. And then they leave each other alone. It's so, like, do they not have game? Is that their game? Looking through your parents' phone is disturbing.

How can you do it? I don't want to know the real version of what they are. It's so gross to think about that. Hashtag my character in friends would be, I don't know, probably that one dude that's like always joking around. I think Chandler's such a bitch. I've never really seen friends, but I just know Chandler's a bitch. Who's that one guy that got married? They're all just so normal. That's all that plays in my mom's head.

Right when my mom opens her eyes in the morning on a weekday. Every time my mom claps. Every time my mom claps Every time my mom claps How come this is like How every guy sounded In the Like when did this come out? This probably came out in like the 90s

Every guy that sang sounded This though Like if I score like the 90s. Every guy that sings sounds like this. No one told you that was gonna be this way. This though. Like if I score two points at a basketball game in like eighth grade, this is my mom in the crowd clapping. That's how she claps. Good job, baby. Good job, baby.

No one told you that world's gonna be this way What are we having for dinner, babe? No, but I would be... If I was a Friends character, Friends... I would definitely be Joey. I would definitely be Joey. Ross was... Ross was kind of a bitch Because his name's Ross

Monica was a low key Batty Jennifer Aniston obviously like the Flame on the show but Monica I see you baby girl Chandler was such like So normal Such a normal guy.

I know you told me that you were gonna be this way. Hashtag unlikely sleep machine sounds. Everybody like, dude, a fan. Yo. There's a fan in my room just like a fan like a real person that's like i love the work you do

no like a fan like a if there's a fan in my room good night ladies and gentlemen have a great night you put a fan in any but it can't be like a like ceiling fans like when people are like oh it has a ceiling fan i'm like not the same you know when you got like a little fan you can like move around and sit on tables and shit like that's my fan that fan bro oh why is that why does that make me want to go to sleep instantly that and like it um if you have if someone has a baseball game on something about a baseball even the Oregon in baseball games it's like what is that Oregon no not Oregon baseball ballpark Oregon music this this makes me want to go to sleep. ESPN Plus. Your sports, our originals, now streaming. Sleeping.

Right when I hear this. Somebody's at the plate and they're swinging their bat down low and they're spitting and shit. I'm like, please. How do people have sleeping problems when all you need to hear is this love that shit baseball game a train when i hear a train off in the distance i'm like everything's right everything's gonna be okay i don't know why a train is like soothing as shit that fit that uh that light on the oven too that light on the microwave above your oven

that's got to be on for me why is that like i got this every time i see that light on i I'm like, you know what? I do belong here. So no one told me that you're gonna be real gay. Hashtag make voting, how to make voting fun. I know how you can make voting fun they're like so you must vote you gotta vote have you voted like maybe if voting wasn't the biggest chore on earth why do we have to go wait in a like dude it's not cool it's why don't you vote like bro i get why people don't vote the you gotta wait in this line outside and it's freezing and you gotta go in this weird ass building that

smells like shit and you're all by all these other people and this is like the most unwelcoming environment ever dude put a voting stand in like all the targets. Who's not voting? Like put it somewhere where it's tight. And yeah. You know? Why not? Put a voting poll in the mall. I'll vote every goddamn day of the week.

Hey, can I vote? No, you voted already. Hey, can I vote? No, you were here yesterday. Hey, can I vote? Get out! This guy's trying to vote all the time. I'd have all those voting stickers, dude. Put the voting polls at the mall.

Seriously. Right by Spencer's Gifts. Right by the food court? Nah, if you were going to vote in the mall, the voting poll would definitely be like in Macy's. Like the most unwelcoming weird place in the mall is probably Macy's, like the top floor. You're like, ew, is this part of it? Like some weird place in the mall. It wouldn't be like dead center.

It'd be like by the car that's always in the mall, you know? I hate that there's always a car in the mall how many times have i tried to win that thing that's my car if you if you go in the mall and you see that car that's that's just mine that's where i park my car all right let's see days of the week tuesday low-key my birthday 1027 I just like shit on people for like being super excited when it's their birthday And I definitely am too but Every time it's my birthday I have that song stuck in my head

From the Simpsons Lisa it's your birthday Happy birthday, Lisa. Every single time it's anybody's birthday, honestly. This is such a good song. Right here. Lisa. Lisa.

Lisa. Lisa. What part? And a one and a two and a one, two, three, four. This song. Every time anybody says their birthday, this plays in my head. Lisa, it's your birthday. God bless you this day.

You gave me the gift of a little sister And I'm proud of you today Lisa, it's your birthday Happy birthday, Lisa Lisa, it's your birthday Happy birthday, Lisa Every time. Benny, it's your motherfucking birthday

Okay okay now Happy birthday Benny World stroke day I have a stroke every time I talk to anybody I don't know like recently too Like recently like the last like two weeks Like I'll always fuck a word up

and I'm like what's wrong every time I talk to a girl like what's up and I'm like I don't know just fluffing around what the fuck I have to be like what just happened to his head what is going on in your mind

anytime I need to ask a favor I'm like do you think you could uh help me out with this uh thing I've got a flim film sorry I just flipped that I do that a lot like I flip like the two like letters like instead of cherry pie I'll be like hey did you make the perry chai fuck what is that are you bringing the kick into the chuck out well dude i swear to god i'm gonna have a stroke like when i'm like proposing i wonder if anyone's done that i guarantee that's gonna going to be me down on one D. Wow. Oh my God. I just did it. Down on one knee. Down on one knee. Will you bury me? Will you bury me? I guarantee I do that. See, like my brain, like my brain's weird and I'll sabotage myself like on,

like my brain will remember that I'm talking about this and I'll really do it. And I'll be like, I knew it brain, you piece of shit. My brain always does that. Like when I was a kid, I used to, uh, I'd have, I'd like go to the doctor and she'd have to give me a physical. And the whole time in my head, I'd be like, I'm going to'm gonna like yeah every time I get a physical like my brain would be like she's not attractive she's not attractive is she she's not attractive do it I swear to God and I'd be like don't stop it don't do it no they're like she's not attractive my brain would be like go ahead she's not attractive is she is she is she big guy is she and I'd be like stop it's not attractive. My brain would be like, go ahead. She's not attractive. Is she? Is she?

Is she big guy? Is she? And I'd be like, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. My brain would make me think she was attractive just so that would happen when she was making me cough. That's the weirdest thing of all time. Cough.

It's so weird. So you can play a sport. That seems like a scam. Like, what are they really? There's got to be another way to do that. We want to see if you have a hernia. I'm just going to touch your balls. Oh, my God.

What in your 12? Like, does it get any worse? Check if you ever heard. There's got to be a new way. That's so weird. Turn your head to the side. Okay. Good luck this season, pal.

You're clear Go score me a touchdown Friday National Candy Corn Day I don't give one single Ffff About candy corn Do you like candy corn?

And it's in everything I like it because I like Halloween If you don't like halloween like get a life dude halloween like if you hate holidays i get it i guess not really but i get like your you just don't maybe family's not your thing or something but halloween is like it's like the most interesting holiday you you know? People put dead humans in their front yard. The whole premise is just getting your shit scared. Oh, that's actually dope.

Halloween might be number one for that. Imagine if you weren't from here. You'd be like, what? Like, what if you were from another country? And you rolled by. Like, during October, had no idea there's like zombies and shit in people's front yards. You'd be like, Oh my, what is happening? How scared would you actually be? Hands coming out of the ground and shit. If aliens came

down to earth right now, they'd be like, okay, going back up. Halloween kind of tight National bread stick day Dude people love bread sticks I love bread sticks Everybody loves bread sticks Yeah that's a fact Everybody loves bread sticks The best bread stick Not everybody's gonna love this

The best bread stick Papa John's It is for me Those deformed ass Potato looking of this. The best breadstick? Papa John's. It is. For me. Those deformed ass potato looking soft plain as shit breadsticks in that mini pizza box. Those are so

good. They're dry. They're supposed to be. That's the fun of it. Because you dunk them in marinara. I can't believe I just said dunk. But it's got to be the same marinara as the Papa John's sauce. Like my dad, this is so gross. My dad would do this. This is such a my dad thing.

He would like use like Prego sauce with the Papa John's breadsticks. I'd be like, that doesn't match. It'd be like using Chick-fil-A sauce with like Wendy's chicken nuggets It's just like not That you went to the wrong place Okay, Saturday National Caramel Apple Day Caramel Apple Day

Probably the best sucker, honestly If we're talking suckers, that's the best sucker Caramel Apple Suckers Oof Yeah, those just remind me like like like when the when you got those during halloween you're like oh hell yeah like that's gonna be like last three do you guys do your candy like that i'd like save the best for last with my candy like i'd eat the shitty candy over time and then like my best thing i got i'd eat like

12 days after halloween like on the day it was like all kind of gone but like the caramel apple sucker would be like the last three days i'd be like yeah i'm eating this after school dude but if you bite into a caramel apple sucker dude you're not opening your mouth for the next four days. Hi. Yeah, what's going on? Uh-huh. No, no, no.

Everything's fine. Do I have a lockjaw? No, no, no, no, no. I just... Yeah, I just went trick-or-treating. Uh-huh. Drooling and shit. Uh-huh. How you doing?

No, I just had a car... Oh, no, I'm fine. Did you get your mouth wired shut? No, no, no. I just... Uh... I just had a car... A whole sucker, uh...

Four days ago. Uh-huh. Yeah, see ya. When you break free from that, it feels like all your teeth are gonna rip out of your gums. Ah! Okay. That's shot 130, y'all.

I don't know why I always have to drop in like a y'all or y'all at the end of that, but it is. It just is. So, all right. Follow me on TikTok, Instagram, PowerPoint, Excel, Word. Those are so annoying on every resume I've ever done. Who even cares if you are good at Excel? Actually, it's really impressive when somebody can do do those formulas But who can and who would Whatever But yeah follow me Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Cameo

Get a Cameo A wild out for ya Thanks again Having a stroke? Thanks again for listening everybody Thanks for the feedback I'll come out with another question for next week But

Talk to you guys later Thanks for watching guys!