Espresso - sumthing sum1 has told u u'd never forget

Episode Date: June 16, 2022

Oh, we oh, we oh, we oh. What up, fam? Espresso podcast shot 215. I'm your host, Benedict Polizzi. Hot show. Show. Today, our espresso question of the week is, what's something that someone told you that you'll never forget?

Like something they talk to you about maybe i hope this isn't like an inspirational podcast i just want it to be something that like someone said something about you and it like you're like oh damn we'll get to that in a second got a lot of uh got a lot of key voice messages keep sending voice messages and please sometimes like some sometimes people leave a message and it's just all text and i'm like damn dog you just typed out like a paragraph can you send a voice message but make sure you send voice messages because they just they hit you know the hit let death the hill are different he's wearing glasses today everybody thinks i got new glasses and i'm like stylish but nope these are just blue light glasses

my manager has a shitload of blue light glasses i just wear them around. Just like, uh, just like it's just like they're, they're just see-through lenses. It's the best pretending that your eyes are normal and wearing glasses. It's cool, but I think they'll look good, but they probably don't. Cause who knows ever. All right. So, uh, remember to join the Patreon for $5 a month. That's another episode. That's behind-the-scenes shit. That's all kinds of stuff over on Patreon, so remember to join that.

It's $5, you know? Come on, come through. All right, let's get to the espresso. Quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. What's the thing somebody told you that you'll never forget? For me, I told you my buddy like it was so weird i just had my shirt off because i was like filming a skit or something and he was like bro all of a sudden you kind of look like you have cancer and i was like damn i was like why he's like dude he used to look like Jose Canseco on stage and now you look like you actually like have a disorder and I was like all

right uh and then he's a um there's just one of my homies that's like completely honest I love people that just don't hold back bro keep doing that people that just don't like oh my god they'll just tell you the straight up blunt truth. You're like, those people are precious to me. But he just told me straight up. He's like, bro, your. I was just like eating. Oh, I was just being a vegetarian or whatever. I don't even know. I was just eating eggs, fish and beans. I don't know why. I was just like, I guess I'll just do it. One time my sister was like, yeah, let's just, yeah, I do that too. And my roommate was like, yo, let's just try it. And I was like, okay. And then I just never stopped eating meat until my homie was like, bro, your head's huge. And your body's little.

You look like a fucking cartoon. I was like, okay. Ate a whole rotisserie chicken. Nothing happened to me when I was vegetarian. Nothing happened. Everyone's like, do you feel different? I was like, no. I just look different.

But yeah, I mean, there's a lot of other shit but that's uh that one stuck for sure i started eating chicken again like nothing ever happened it's all i eat now all right let's keep going espresso quick quick quick question of the week what's something what's the thing somebody told you that you'll never forget from Anonymous? What's up? Something somebody told me that I'll never forget is one time a girl told me that I was way too good in bed. Not playing. That didn't happen.

Not with a girl, at least. But something for real that did happen that I will never forget is a girl told me that she thought I was attractive, but on paper, I should be ugly as fuck. And I was like, what do you mean on paper I should be ugly as fuck? And she was like, you're bow-legged, you have bushy eyebrows, you got kind of fucked up teeth. And I was like, shit. And now we're dating, so I guess it worked out. But I was like, thanks, but fuck you.

Does everybody think I'm ugly? Do you think I'm ugly? No, I don't think you're ugly, bro, because we look exactly the same. I have a theory that every guy with brown hair and a beard just looks exactly the same swear to god every guy i see i'm like that's me it's me i can't tell who that was because it was anonymous but me and this dude like we've kissed so many i mean we've uh we look the same so many times it's not even funny he does have like weird looking eyebrows though they're like kind of stubby but i didn't say it

bow-legged though people that are bow-legged how do you i just gotta people that are bow-legged are always wearing uh shorts i'm like come on no, no, my bad. They're always wearing pants. I'm like, wear shorts. I got to see how this shit works. There's no way. I just want everybody that's bow legged. I've never seen him run. I'm like, can we race real quick, real quick on this crosswalk real quick. Let's keep going. What's the thing someone said to you that you'll never forget? A thing someone said that I still remember is I did a song at karaoke, and then I went up to do a second song. The DJ said, hey, don't swear,

because apparently I can't even get through Summer Girls by LFO without swearing. It was a little problematic because I was about to do Hot in Here by Nelly, which has the line, why you at the bar if you ain't popping the bottles? What good is all the fame if you ain't fucking the models? But, you know, through hardship, we persevere. And not 30 minutes later, this DJ goes up and he does F.U. by CeeLo Green and doesn't filter anything out. He does the uncensored version.

And I don't know, to this day, I don't know if he's playing some prank on me. He's like got this real dry sense of humor. Dog, I try so hard to censor myself on this podcast because it kind of sounds like shit when he cusses, but you just can't, dude. It all happened in fifth grade. The first time I cussed.

Oh, shit. I'll never forget that day. That was with my friend. We just, we just, we, somebody just broke the seal and we just were, fuck that. Like walking around the neighborhood. Nothing, nothing. In the middle finger, bro. The first time somebody flipped you off, was at the best moment of your life.

You're like, oh, we can do that. It was at a basketball camp. I like said some shit to this kid in this line, like messing around. He's like an older kid. You know, you're friends with the older kids and I tell you some like weird shit and you're like, damn, guess I'll keep hanging out with you. If you just keep telling me weird shit, I said some shit to him and he's like damn guess i'll keep hanging out with you if you just keep telling me weird shit i said some shit to him and he just looked at me he goes hey fifth grade oh shit oh dude there's nothing like the day you and your friend just start cussing

and he never stopped i gotta watch it in public Sometimes I'll just be around like they're my friends that I like know, but I'll forget all my friends have like seven kids and I always forget and they're there and I'm just like what the fuck was that? What's up, Jimmy? But yeah, bro, not cussing in karaoke impossible. cussing in karaoke? Impossible. You ever cuss at a clean open mic three times and feel horrible? Jesus Christ. I was at this, uh, I was at this, this mic this last week. And I said, uh, I forget what I said. I cussed cause it's just like part of one of my jokes. I completely forgot where I was. And there's a DJ at the mic and he like scratched me. He was like... I felt like I was on Wild N' Out.

I was like, oh, oh shit, sorry. Cringe moment of the week, week, week. All right, let's keep going. Espresso, quick, quick, quick question of the week. What's the thing somebody told you one time that you'll never forget? From Anonymous. Hi, Ben. The thing that someone told me that I will never forget is that when you are cleaning something,

you're never actually really cleaning something. You're never getting rid of the dirt. You're just moving it somewhere else. She came in so goddamn nice hi ben oh i feel like i'm in trouble and that's like the the secretary inside like uh a building that i'm going to like i'm getting put in jail and that's his secretary i'm never gonna hold on the thing that someone told me that i will never way too calm but like yeah for and that's his secretary i'm never gonna hold on the thing that someone told me that i will never way too calm but like yeah for real that's why like i hate dusting every time i dust i'm like it's back in 17 seconds it's like shaving too though geez nothing grows faster than

nipple hair god damn what's in that when i got a hair transplant why didn't they just take my nipple hair and put it on my head jesus bro nothing's uglier nothing comes back quicker that norm put air and yeah i shaved both but for real the next time i get a hair transplant take it from my goddamn nips take it from my ninnies my grandma used to call nipples ninnies. Jesus. I can see your ninnies, Anthony. I'll never forget that by the pool. I was like, what the fuck are ninnies? Are those balls?

Are those just balls? Oh, shit. Let's keep going. Let's keep going, fam. Damn, I need to dust. How come it's always under your TV that you need to dust the most? A girl came over to my house and was like, you need to dust.

She looked at a picture under our TV that no one's ever looked at in my whole entire life. She's like, so is that you? And I was like, yeah. And she looked at it for like 14 minutes and I was like, what? She goes, it's just so dusty. And I was like yeah and she looked at it for like 14 minutes and I was like what she goes it's just so dusty and I was like you were looking at the dust the whole time and not the fucking picture immediately go puffed like pledge wipes those are those are that's a straight up that's

fraudulent dude pledge shit doesn't work put water on a goddamn towel same thing it does make your shit lemony though you ever put oh my god i asked all i did growing up was dust the damn stairs if anybody was like hey uh what's your best childhood memory i'd be like dusting the fucking railing that's all i did dude when you got a balcony and there's like a, we had a, like the stairs have like slots going down them in between every slot. That was me. That was my God. That was my job dusting. But sometimes I'd get the pledge. You know, your mom was always like spray it on the spread on the and not the wood. Moms are so specific about that shit. Moms and wood. about that shit. Moms and wood. They just want to preserve that shit forever. Coasters. I'm like, it's a table. My mom's like, but you ever spray the pledge like on the ground accidentally,

and then it's fucking ice for the next four days. Oh, I did it by the stairs one time. I swear everybody in my family almost died, including me. When you almost lose your balance outside, you're like, oh shit. But when you almost lose your balance in your house, you're like, what the fuck? You could cry. I wonder how many times I've been so close to cracking my head open just because I spilled pledge on sprayed pledge on the ground for like it it's like one, and you almost die right by the stairs, bro. Everybody in my family slipping discs,

trying to go upstairs. Oh shit. It's a scam, but I'm gonna get some right after this. All right, let's keep going. Think somebody told you that you'll never forget my old basketball coach ripped a kid for drinking Sprite

after a workout told us that Sprite and soda was even worse for us than drinking alcohol in high school I didn't drink soda for seven years only for special occasions like weddings it was always orange soda or shirley temples but was terrified of soda did he read that you think that shit was so like tight

and without emotion oh damn i really only i've never really drank sprite i've never i'm never really in the mood for Sprite unless it's like some weird shit. For some reason, Coke in that glass bottle though. I'm a bitch for glass bottles. I tried Yoohoo. I swear to God,

the only reason I like Yoohoo is because that bottle. Snapple, it's not good. But the bottle. What else is in that damn glass body? But anything in a glass bottle, I drink it besides water. Can anything be more boring than water? Is it just me right now? I'm like, I can't do this. One bottle of water sitting there. I'm like, this is hell. Some places don't even have water. I can't even drink it.

It's just sitting in front of me. I'm like, that's a chore, dude. I've spent 70 hours of my life filling up a water bottle. I'm like, I'm a bitch, dude. I got to have flavor in my water or else I just can't. It's so boring. Oh, damn. But yeah, I never had, I never had carbonation growing up except for when I like steal my mom's when my friend was over and we'd cuss around the neighborhood. But just my mom was probably like, where the fuck are my diet

Mountain Dews going? I never even tried to drink carbonation. I was too thirsty. I would have drank like a whole case. One time I went to my friends and he gave me like an orange crush or some shit. And I drank it in like three seconds. It's always somebody going like, damn, you already drank that. That's like half of the people, half things people say to me. You already ate that. You already drank that. I'm like, yeah, I'm starving.

Yeah, but I didn't have carbonation till like last week. I still feel weird about it. Like if I was with my parents and I went to a gas station, I just got a coke. They'd be like, what the fuck? Isn't it weird when people like they they're like I stopped drinking coke and I lost 250 pounds. I'm like coke women and diet coke

for life the dad's like diet coke like that it's just all girls all women females and diet coke is it that good? Is Coke shitting on Pepsi like that? Only thing Pepsi has is a halftime show. We know that. And Coke has those fucking cute ass polar bears. Let's keep going. Things somebody told you that you'll never forget.

So the one thing that I was told I'll never forget, I was a freshman in high school and this boy told me that I should stop hanging out with ugly females. And his logic was if there's six females in one group, five of them are ugly, about time you get to the third female, everyone after is automatically ugly. So because of that shitty logic,

I now only hang out with pretty people damn i thought she just took that she just took that shit and ran with it i thought she's gonna be like and now from now on i don't listen to douchebags she's like i only hang out with fucking tens dude i don't care if you're ugly or not like if you're with the crew you got to bring something to the table you know i mean doesn't matter if you're ugly you better be fucking funny or rich if you're hot you just better stand there and shut up hot people can do anything. So hot girls, literally anything. Yeah. Just like pay for my drink. Okay. Literally. All right. I like need a ride. Hot girls just get escorted, dude. People just, I'll literally carry anybody hot. I carry him i'm like i you shouldn't be walking

you shouldn't be walking you're too hot to walk come here get on my back and i just trudge through the rainy streets with fucking i just trudge through the fucking streets with pledge on the ground slipping and shit god damn you you ever think you're strong and you carry somebody and you realize fuck i'm not shit oh damn i was carrying this girl i was carrying this girl exactly because she didn't her shoes were fucked up and i was like i don't want this i don't want girls when when girls wear the wrong shoes i'm like didn't you know didn't you know you think you thought you're gonna be sitting for seven hours when girls wear the wrong shoes i have no like what do you think but i will carry you across the

goddamn city because you're so slow and you're a girl's just in pain dude but i did that i did that for like a block i'm a bitch i swear to swear to God. But I was like, okay, just come here. I'm literally carrying you. Carry this girl. I had to reset, you know, and it's so annoying. I thought it was fun when I was a kid. My dad would be like carrying me and he'd have to like reset. And I'd be like, oh, I was like last week. But dude, I was acting like I was strong as shit.

I think I'm so strong right now. I think I'm so strong right now. I think I'm so goddamn strong. I lift every day. I had no chance, bro, and probably in probably like a whole football field. I probably reset every five yards. The girl's like,

you want me to carry you? Shit. Captain reset hard resets every fucking five steps. I was like, why are we doing this? What a mistake. I think I'm so damn strong. I'm fake strong. This is all bullshit.

Seriously. I can't. I can't nothing. Doesn't do anything. If I got in a fight, they'd be like, oh, damn. He just wanted to kiss. Cool. Alright. The thing someone told you

that you'll never forget. Farts are the ghost of poop we ate. Farts are the ghosts of poop that we ate. I swear to God, I'm so, I can't. Farts are the ghosts of poop we ate. Poop we ate. Like poop that won't come out. I can't believe i said the word poop that

many times ah just did it again farting is such a problem how come burping's not though farting's like oh my god burping you're like? Farting is like, oh my God, burping. You're like do it again louder. Good for you doing the ABCs and shit. Everybody in my family growing up. One little fucking slips out of me.

Hell breaks loose. Then they drink a dot and then my mom drinks a diet and do me me mop. Dude, I swear everybody in my family would just make like they would all they would always say shit when they burped. I was like and girls would burp in real life and I wouldn't think shit about it. I'd be like my mom does that me me mop every time my mom burped swear to God to this day me me mop every time my mom burped swear to god to this day me me mop

no you ever like you ever burp like oh shit you ever forget like who you're around and burp and you're like wow that was weird oh my god the first time this this this, uh, we were setting up our party. Me and Joey Molinero were setting up our espresso party like, uh, three years ago. And it was at this place called after six is like super ratchet kind of, but they just let us have a party there. It ended up being fun, but like the party started at 10 AM. People didn't get there till nine 50. And it was all these like, uh, like probably like five girls. They're like bartenders and shit and they're like setting it up like with like literally seven minutes till the party started and what I was like, yo, you guys should wear our merch. That'd be dope. So we like gave them

hats and stuff and before this girl even said thank you to me. She goes thanks just burped and I was like right now? It's literally 9.58. Bitches be burping, dude. Let's keep going. The thing someone told you you'll never forget. I need to stop repeating that. From now on, I'm not going to repeat the question it's just smoother the thing that someone told me that i'll never forget is my grandma when i was in eighth grade told me and my best friend that she'd rather take it up the ass than suck a man's dick she's just she said that randomly one day so uh

actually that makes sense me saying that makes sense i'm like no i'm thinking about if i was her you know like if you had to if you had to pick one, I actually, I'm just going to stay out of that. But that's a wild thing. Dude, once you get past 80, you can just say fucking anything. Damn. You can just let it fly when you're 80. Take it in the ass instead of sucking that dick.

Grandma, it's literally Christmas. Don't care. People that are old. That's why old, like old creepy guys are so like forward. Nobody's weirder than an old guy. Fuck, dude.

They will just stare at anybody. I'm like, dude, support the troops, but chill out here we go next one so to answer your question the thing that i'll definitely under his covers i'll never forget that someone told Is there anything better than being under your blankets and then just looking at your phone? Who's buying that? Okay. Who's buying that? Also, I just wanted to say thank you.

You always brighten my day and make me laugh. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Hope you're having a good day. Oh my God. I'm actually not having a good day. You can always tell on this podcast when I'm having a good day. Oh shit. You always know, bro.

You'll be able to tell like you can just tell like in the beginning. You can definitely tell. Today was a horrible day. All I did was edit a damn video. I've been editing this fucking cat call video for a week. It took over my life. And today I thought I was going to be done with it, but nope. Pushing it back.

So I looked at a computer all day and freaked out and got hot and went to Whole Foods 17 times. And actually, I went one time. I'll be in this studio and I'll get so mad about something. I gotta take a walk. Walks are my shit! Nobody's ever said walks are my shit. I don't think.

Like that. Walks are my shit! I love a good reset walk. Reset! Go to Whole Foods, buy anything there. Plantain chips. Sounds good. Just take my mind off of it.

Sparkling water. I don't even want, I have to drink sparkling water. People that shit on sparkling water. Wake up. It's better. It's better. It is. Gives you a little kick. It's better. It is gives you a little kick. It's more fun.

Who'd you rather date water or sparkling water? I mean, sparkling. It's called sparkling. Of course, I would get that, but I went to whole foods today and put 10 pounds of grilled chicken in a box with like two pieces of broccoli,

ate it all the way, walking back to the studio, and I was back here just like this. Just looking at the damn screen. That's how my day's going, bro. But I could tell just by the tone of your voice. To answer your question, the thing that I'll never forget.

You're hella under your covers. Who's buying this on another episode of... I'm still eating those peeps, by the way. From that last video, who's buying it? I'm still eating those peeps. I got a three-pack in the cabinet just waiting. Some blue bunnies. Those are going to have a rough night, bro.

All right, let's keep going. What tossing a salad actually meant? LMAO. Yeah. You guys are fucked up. The first time I heard tossing a salad, I was like, why is it? It always, I hate that you can't say perverted shit and not like, and not think about it. I cannot say come look, I cannot do it.

Like I can't type it out when I'm like, when somebody is like, where are you? And I'm like here, they're at come. I'm like, don't you know, maybe I'm 12, but like, no, I can't. When people say in real life and say it, I like, I scan the room for people that might be like an immature bitch like me. When somebody's like, yes, come. I'm like, you heard that? Then that's it.

But every time there's anything like that, I look at everybody's eyes. I'm like, is there anyone like me in here? Is there anyone like me in here? Is there anyone like me in here? And if I make eye contact with somebody, that person's my friend for the rest of my damn life. Yeah, it was really hard. I'm

like, after Chili's, let's do it. Two for 25. I love how Chili's is on the come up now. Everybody fucking loves Chili's. Where was that like 17 years ago? I want to go to Chili's all the time. Why? Because the logo slaps. Yep. Chili's goes so hard. That logo goes so hard. It's just a pepper with a fucking apostrophe S on it. Dude, just think if you're from some other country, you'd be like, let's

go to peppers. Nope. Logo goes so hard. People are just like, fuck it. It's called Chili's. Now it's called a chili peppy. I know. Chili's is a one. If we're ranking like restaurants, like restaurants you'd go to for your birthday when you're 12. Texas Roadhouse kind of up there though. I'm not going to lie. Is that the place with the peanuts that are all over the ground? That's such a weird thing that they're just like fuck it.

You know that guy was just like I'm not cleaning then just became their thing. that they were just like, fuck it. You know, that guy was just like, I'm not cleaning, then just became their thing. You know, I really haven't been, where I haven't been in my whole life is Red Lobster. I have never been there. Never.

I went to Joe's Crab Shack one time growing up, threw up all over the table. Best day of my damn life. Just crab shack is weird, bro. How am I not going to throw up at just crab shack when I'm a kid? You're literally never had seafood before. It looks so gross and weird.

You eat it and there's a playground outside. Oh shit. They tried to be like McDonald's so hard. Nobody was fucking with McDonald's play place. Nobody. You ever look at a Burger King play place? You're like

the fuck is this? There's literally like a thing enclosure and a slide. I was like dude Burger King. Just just make these make this more seats that nobody's gonna sit in let's keep going something i'll never forget yeah yeah i had a drill sergeant telling me one time i looked like a spilt bag of fuck so now like no matter how well i dress or how good i look in my inside head i'm always like you look like a spilled bag

fuck i love how you can laugh at that we all actually are ugly as fuck you ever you ever think about that how ugly you actually are i looked at myself in the morning and i was like what the fuck dude my unibrow was just popping i was like this isn't good why can no one tell me no one's ever that close to my face but like yeah like just say it i'm so self-conscious about telling people about their unibrow and shit i want you so bad bro can you just or like the hair that's sticking on their neck that like you can only see when the light hits i just want to be like yo you definitely like i think it's because my dad used to fucking scream at me when i used to check him for that i think my i don't know i think guys

just maybe close their whole fucking eyes when they shave so i'm like yo you missed the fucking four hairs by your nose like that's the most obvious thing ever because your nose is the most obvious thing ever. Guys when they shave. I think guys shave in the shower. That's fucked up. I'm like, how can you see? When I'm shaving, I need like fucking lab lighting. I squat on the sink every hair

everything he's the most metrosexual man in the world all right uh one more over to this guy's house to like hook up and whoa wait a goddamn minute so this one time i went over to this i just know this guy's a goatee guy's house to like hook up and the entire time he was just like completely vocal and it was such a turnoff time he was just like completely vocal and it was such a turnoff and i just kept trying to like void it out of my head and like i was i was getting to the point where like i was like getting close and then this guy just yells out oh this is fun and i just completely lost my shit of things to say dude during sex oh

that was fun this is fun what the fuck if sex is one thing it's not fun I'm like this is this is low-key like I don't know, bro. You just never know what the other person thinks, you know? You're doing it, and you're like, do they even?

It's such a secret. I'm like, do you even like it? Like, honestly. Like, is it fake? Like, they're just faking. Like, I'm like, just, I don't, how, give me, I need feedback. Like, I need feedback like i need feedback damn dog having sex with somebody like brutally honest after they just like

that would hurt this is fun. Worst things people say during sex. Is that the next espresso question of the week? That's actually not bad. What's the worst thing you ever heard? Worst thing said during sex. I'll fuck around and try to say something hot and then I'll like stumble on my words and be like. during say i'll fuck around try say something hot then i'll like stumble on my words and be like

you ever fuck up a word in real life yeah hurts try doing it during yeah i like mix two words together like that feels good fuck never mind just to fucking leave let's get out of this chilies all right fam it's a wrap shot 215 espresso podcast with ben palizzi. Thanks for listening. Remember to subscribe on Apple, listen on Spotify and join the Patreon for $5 a month. It's sexy over there. I'm just telling you, you can find out the most sexual goddamn podcast. All right, y'all. I'll talk to you guys next week. Love you.