Espresso - Swae Lee's Baby Pigs (Wildest thing You've Seen at Someones House?)

Episode Date: July 9, 2026

Brb gotta hotbox a house from the underground railroad taaahaaa 😮‍💨 On this ep we learn Swae Lee has baby pigs and eating macaroni off of Tupperware lids at your weird friend's house builds character. Btw if you don't fake wash your hands in the bathroom and pretend to like ur divorced dad's fat-free tortilla chips and beans this isn't the pod for you bbygrl 💋 P.S. Kiss me everyday-------------------------------------------------Send this to your homies to support the pod!https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ☕️FOLLOW ON IG https://www.instagram.com/espressobenny/💕 WATCH BENNY on FBOY & FGIRL ISLAND on HBO MAX🧢 "𝗕𝗔𝗟𝗗"𝗮𝘁 𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗰𝗸𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝟱𝟬% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/-------------------------------------------------

So when I was in about the fifth grade, I went over to my buddy Coney's house and his parents had five hoses running in the house to fill all their water beds. His mom was a rocket, too. Let's get down to business to defeat the Huns. Did they send me daughters? when I asked for some. Oh, this thing's on. Espresso podcast shop 427. I'm your girlfriend, Benny.

And anytime he eats something cool, he gets a bump under his tongue that he pops with tweezers in the next seven minutes. And it just happened because I had a Pizu Kizu K last night. Um, literally TMI. Hey, but remember to watch me on Fy Island and F Girl Island on HBO Max. wasn't the show like that was just like kind of a joke like it was a reality TV show but it was like just a kind of a joke yeah but didn't you fall in love and date a girl for a year after the show ended yeah watch it with your whole family on HBO Max and tell your homies to join the Patreon for five dollars every month what do I get if I join like what kind of deal is this like it has to be fair like what kind of deal is this you get every other espresso podcast like the next one and you get a live live. stream at the end of every week. What do you guys even talk about in the live stream? Like, why would I do this?

Why would I pay $5 to join a live stream when I don't even know what you talk about? What do you talk about? Do you just like invent an app that allows you to pay to hang out with celebrities and old reality TV stars? Like an app that would allow you to go put putting with J.C. Chaze? Like, is that what you talk about? I don't know. You're just going to have to join and find out. Do you like just talk about B2K the whole time? See, I don't I don't know. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe we do. Maybe we don't. Do you just fantasize about eating pizza four nights in a row? Like I don't, you know what? You're just going to have to find out. $5 every month, join the Patreon. It's worth it. Babe, I swear to God.

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Let's get to the QQQQQQ Question of the week. What's the wildest thing you've ever seen in someone else's house? Yo! I'm telling you.

I don't know why I was there so much. And when I was a kid, we went over to this family's house a lot, a lot, like a lot. I still have flashbacks. And we always ate all our food off of Tupperware lids. Don't know why. So stop asking. I don't know why. But every time we left the house, I was like, why are we eating on those?

And why did it kind of like, it kind of felt good. It kind of felt good like scraping macaroni off of a Tupperware lid. I had no idea why we were doing it. And I saw the plates. Like there were plates, but we just didn't use them. A blue Tupperware plate. Blue Tupperware lid every time I was eating a little pond of beans.

A little circle of macaroni. A hot dog. On a Tupperware lid. Okay. fine by me same house that had a snake in a in a like container or whatever

what do you keep snakes in same house that had a snake that got loose and they just couldn't find it and I was just there so I was just dude how wild is that like I think they babysat me but

like yeah let's let's take them to the house take your kids to the house that has the loose snake in it. Bro, like, what the hell? That's a movie. That's a movie. I was so scared to go to the bathroom. And they were like, why are you so scared to go to the bathroom?

I'm like, oh my God, there's a loose snake on the loose. What are you talking about? I'm seven and there's a snake. God, dang. And yeah, it could be in the bathroom. Why wouldn't it be? Or someone just made that up, like, because I'll believe that. my sister could have been like you know there's a loose snake in this house and I would have been like ah

well now I'm scared forever okay okay could have been that this always sticks out to me I went to my like rich friend's house grown up who nobody ever went over to his house ever but uh we had to do a group project so we all went over there and I was like oh this is what you got going on all right all right like nice basement bro. Set up AC blasting. Jerseys on the wall in the basement framed and signed. I was like, mm-hmm. Yep. It's what I expected.

Uh-huh. Six snacks. Like, you ever go to a family's house that's so rich, they have like so many snacks that the people in the house don't even know? Like, we'd go in their basement. I'd be like, you have like chips down here? And he'd be like, oh yeah, I guess we do. And I was like, you didn't know.

Those were unaccounted for. Like, bro, if we have snacks in our house, I know the inventory. Guess what? We got snacks in our house? Your boys doing the audit. Mm-hmm. We got four left. And I know it.

I'm six. We got four Fudge rounds left. Don't play with me. I know one's not just going to walk, grow legs. and walk away. I know one's not gonna grow legs and walk out of here. Four left. Bro. They had Jones soda stocked in their basement fridge. What? And I'm talking about like they had more than 12. Like blue, clear, green. I was like, you guys have though? Like, oh my God, like I'm out of my I'm out of my element here.

Like I was in an Abercrombie and Fitch House. I was in an Abercrombie and Fitch House. That's the kind of tax bracket we were working with. What? Anyway, I went upstairs to his room. This is crazy, by the way. I remember this because I was kind of poor.

I think everybody was the same. I'm not going to say I was poor, but like, I just wasn't like, you know what I mean? My parents weren't flexing like that. Brojus had like a container of money in his closet. And I was like, dude,

like, you ever see somebody's like bank when you're a kid and you're just like, you know, that's so crazy? Like, you just have like, it almost, it looked like $300 bills could have been tens, five,'s, 20s, hundreds just in a big container in his closet. And I was like, oh my God.

Like, put that away before a person who comes in here that shouldn't be in here to seize that. Went to the bathroom upstairs, saw all his childhood pictures, you know? You ever see that in somebody's house? You really get to know somebody when you see their childhood picks. That's what you look like. That's kind of all I need to see, which is pretty shallow of me. But if I'm like about to date a girl or something, I'm like, yo, can I just see your like seventh grade

picture real quick. I want to see who you really are, you know? Because you can tell, bro. You can tell who manufactured themselves or it was like, okay, you've been a real one since, you know what I'm saying? You see somebody in set, bro, I looked at this kid, and this is one of my homies in high school, but, uh, looked at his little kid pick teeth just everywhere. And that's fine. It's fine. Rat tail And I was just like You dude you I didn't say anything about it

In my head I was just like What is happening The pert day Damn What you thought What you thought Never really is I don't know what I'm saying

But um Okay what else Oh okay In like the the banister On their stairs was like so loose. And I know this is like a weird thing to remember, but like when I would go down the stairs

at my house grown up, like I would pretend I was Batman. Like I would be like swinging on the railing. Like I would like use the railing to like get myself up the stairs. I can get up the stairs in 2.7 seconds, two flights. And I'd be using the like railings to like propel myself up. You know what I mean? Like ha.

And. Like my banister should have been bad, but it wasn't ever. I don't know why. But this dude's banister in his house was like, it was like a prop from like a pirate ship or something. Like it was like you could like, it was seconds away from breaking. I couldn't touch it.

When I went up the stairs, I was like, oh my God. Like that was kind of crazy. I'm like, dude, if you like accidentally hit that or something, you're like, you're kind of dead. Like you ever go into somebody? house when they're building it or like you go to your house before it's all the way built and the band the railing isn't there yet and you're just like going upstairs and you're like,

you're acting like you're about to kill yourself. I was doing that for sure. Going into your house when it's like not ready yet and there's not a railing and I'm just pretending that I'm going to jump off the staircase the whole entire time and split my head open on the floor. Oh, it can't take this guy anywhere, right? Shut up. I don't know, those are weird things. It's so crazy going to somebody's house when you're a kid because you get to see how they live and you're like, what? What?

I could go on and on. Like they have, like, you see how they decorate their house, like during Christmas, you go to your homie's house during Christmas break and they have like little candles in the window. I was like, oh, you guys are the candle house. All right, I've seen your type. I've seen your type in my neighborhood.

You guys are the ones doing this, okay? I had a homie that had like a really like old house, but his dad was like top notch. He could do anything. He could build anything. They had those doors that like go into the walls, those slide outdoors. Everything in this older house was customized.

New patio, bang. Hey, we got a, we built a bar out back. Boom. Everything was like, oh my God, bro. this dad was on top of it. Wi-Fi. Boom-in. Everything about like the refrigerator in the,

like it was lifted. Like everything just had a little like customization. It was such a sick house. I loved it. They had like they were the first people I played like PS2 online. I was like, I didn't even know you could do this. They're like, yeah, we hooked the Ethernet cord up to the. I'm like, how do you guys know how to do this, bro?

Inspiring moment. But all right. Let's get to yours. It's a wildest thing. Well, actually, I could just talk about my divorced dad's house, but man. Wildest thing you've ever seen in someone else's house. One time I walked into my dad's house and there's a wall of Pop-Tarts with just an axe laying next to it. And I was like, yep, if I was a divorced dad, I'd be living just like this.

Divorced dads live like nobody's ever coming over. that's just how it is like why do why does single guys and single dads live like this we live like this because we're not having we're not expecting company women decorate their house like someone seconds from ringing the doorbell and coming in and staying for three days i'm like nobody's ever going to see this so who cares girls are like oh my god like why is it what they have to have 19 pillows on your bed if nobody's ever coming here i don't know All right, let's hear yours. Wildest thing you've ever seen in someone else's house. Skittette. Okay. Well, not that one. All right, dude, so I went to Philly.

All right, dude, so I went to Philly and my boy just bought a house with his now fiancé in Springfield and Delco outside the city. And they're like giving me a tour of the house. It's nice, whatever. And they take me to the basement. And I go in the basement and they have a fucking toilet and then a urinal next to the toilet. And I'm like, dude, you have a fucking, it's like a state. It's like you feel like you're in a fucking stadium or like a bar bathroom. You know what I mean?

But dude, I'm like, yeah, you got a journal. And I'm like, dude, I need to get a journal in my place whenever I get one. Probably won't happen. But now ever since then, I'm like, dude, a yearling a house is the move. So that's probably the craziest thing I've ever seen. Anyway, was a urinal. Love you, Benedict. Anyway,

love you, I love it. People don't know how to end the voice message and just say, I love you. I love you more, dog. Can't tell if he's from Philly or not. But, yo,

Ben saying it. Let's get the urinals installed, boys. Why isn't that an option? I'm moving into a new house. Like, you get bathtub shower option. What's up? slap a urinal on the wall

no more complaints about the toilet seat it's got to be a bang bang play too it's not that big of an ask like we can do that as a society it should be socially acceptable to have a urinal in your bathroom boom walk up to it bang we're out

easy having that what's that toilet brand urinal brand come on in the crib having a sloan in the crib oh your girl would be on top of you bro with the change out the

change out the urinal cake like if you're going to have this change out the urinal you're disgusting your girl would talk so much shit about that I get that's probably why they don't have them because your girl would be so mad you just stand there and pee on the wall Ew. Smells so bad and blaming everything on the urinal.

I would never, I would never deuce again. Man, it'd be so easy to just walk up to the wall and pee. It's such a freeing thing. And you get clowned as a guy for not washing your hands. And I get it. Like I wash my hands like 75 times a day, so don't come at me with it. But there are, it's probably nine out of ten times I go to the bathroom in a journal and I don't touch anything except for my shorts.

And then I get a bunch of sideways looks on the way out of the bathroom because I didn't wash my hands. I'm like, you just chill. All right. Hey, I'm sanitizing and washing my hands all day long. Just don't worry about me.

This is coming from a kid who used to fake wash his hands in the bathroom. Yeah. Did you wash your hands? All the time. My dad. God damn. No, I didn't. I'd go in the bathroom.

Walk out. Good to go. One time my dad goes, Come here, let me check your hands. I was like, oh shit. Hey, caught dry-handed. Come on right away. Okay, can you believe it?

Oh, man. Only the real ones were fake washing their hands. Could have just wash and dried my hands in the same amount of time, but I was just like, man, I can't do this. It's almost like flossing, you know? Dude, it takes every, just, every second of my being. to floss at night.

Just every, everything I got takes everything in me just to floss. And it's, it's every night. I'm like, I cannot believe that it's this hard to floss. And I do it every night, but every time when I'm about to open the flossing, I'm like, oh my God, this couldn't be more inconvenient. I don't know what it is, but I'm like, we got to do this. Like every ounce of my will to floss before bed. I'm going to do it, but holy hell I hate it.

That's what washing my hands was. That's what washing my hands as a kid was like, I have set a record for stuttering. What's happening? I don't know. The wildest thing I've ever seen at anybody's house was two African lions. Their dad was a taxidermist so had bought the lions to stuff after they passed away. What the hell?

Where were you, bro? And where were they? Two lions in the backyard. that's a sketchy house. If I went to a house and I had lions, I'd be like, I gotta go. There's just not. There's something happening here

and it's just not good. Anytime there's lions anywhere, you gotta get out of there. Like literal predators. Things that want to eat you. Gotta go. I would feel even worse if I walked into a house

and they had stuffed lions. I'd be like, eh. It's just, it is my dream to have a pet. like pet cheetah though. You've been seeing cheetahs? Cheetahs are out here. People,

I guess we didn't know that cheetahs are like, we're the nicest animals of all time until like a couple years ago or something. It's amazing. Why don't we have pet cheetahs? Trying to get away with lions in our living rooms that we're about to kill and stuff. But I can't have a pet cheetah.

Exotic pets. Let's go. But not ones that can eat you. Cheetahs don't. eat people. They're just nice. I'm telling you guys this like you're arguing with me. Cheetahs don't eat people. Okay? Get the point. If a cheetahs, oh my God. Can you imagine going to sleep, scrolling TikTok, and there's a cheetah next to you? I think I would actually fall in love with it. I don't think I'd need to be, I don't think I'd need to have like a girlfriend. I'd be like,

well, I got this cheetah. I sleep with this cheetah every night. Real cheetah. Feed it. See, I could see like being obsessed with your pet when it's a cheetah. But when it's just like a labradoodle, I'm like, that thing's kind of annoying. When you got a cheetah? Hey, you're walking around your neighborhood with a cheetah.

What's up? Passing the neighbors. It was good. How scared would your dog be? You see that cheetah with the, with the, you know, you know, you know, cats? It's got cat back. Cheetah walking up on you? You're trigger treating with them.

Was good. Yeah, this is my boy. Henry. That'd be so sick. With a collar on with a heart on it. This is Henry? Yeah. Uh-huh.

You just eats plants and, oh, you're just, oh my God. Giving it a bath. Giving your cheetah a bath. Can you imagine that? I want a cheetah! You come home from vacation and a cheetah comes to your door, making that tractor noise at all times.

Give me that cheetah. The wildest thing I ever saw on someone's house is that they turned their entire basement into an indoor pool. You would just walk down the basement steps into a pool. I mean, that was crazy. The whole basement was a pool. That's it.

Love you. I've seen a couple of those and I've heard of those. I've always wanted to like see one for myself. It always sounds so crazy when someone's like, yeah,

they have a pool in their basement. You're like, what? How does that even work? Even when hotels are like, yeah, we have an indoor outdoor pool. I'm like,

all right, I got to see this. Like, what are you talking about indoor outdoor pool? For what? Sometimes I'm like, for what reason

would I ever want to swim? inside though like kind of a flex that like that that rich person like mythical house that you always hear about has an indoor pool but I'm like ew you know what I'm saying I'm like why would I ever ew like there's like why ew no you know they don't take care of it like they should like hotels okay there's like a maintenance squad like cleaning 257 but like a pool in your house It's just, I don't know. It's cool. It's cool.

But like you can't get a tan. That's a whole reason pools exist, right? The whole reason I exist is to get a tan. And if I have a pool where it's, there's no weather, I think I'm out. Swimming inside. I just, it feels like I would just get yelled at for being too loud the whole time. You know? When you have a pool,

outside, you can just, oh, how many times did I wish and pray to God before I went to bed that we would get a pool out of nowhere? Like, please, God. Please let Amelia like me and please let us get a pool this summer. Amen. Literally my prayers. Literally my prayers until like two years ago. Dear God, please let the Steelers win this weekend. Please let Amelia like me. Please let us get a pool this summer. Amen. In ground. Amen. Every time. Never happened, but God, I dreamed about it. Well, what's your fantasy when you're a kid?

Me waking up in the summer with no job or like sports practices that day. Going outside at like 7 a.m. No idea where my family is. They're just like, you know, somebody somewhere. My mom might be upstairs on the phone with my aunt for like way too long. I go outside sit in the pool sit on an inner tube in the pool

and I just have a glass of orange juice I was like I just want to do that on like June 17th so bad God damn it still want to and just sit there and get tan kind of all I want to do still shit don't change me

yeah I'm out on the indoor pool I always did there always was a family that had one wait that they have they have an indoor pool They have indoor pool money? That means they also have a movie theater, which there's always a letdown. You always hear about the house that has the indoor pool,

and it's like, oh, it's this. The house that has the indoor basketball court, and you're like, oh, my God, and then you go and there's no three point line. You're like, why is everything so half-assed around here? Everything. Indoor pool, but it's like the size of a trailer. You're like, this isn't.

This is a rehab pool in your basement and it's weird and it smells down here and I know there's mold. Basketball court in your house. No three point line. Weird backboard. I'm like, can we just do it right? Movie theater. Oh, I have a movie theater in my house, bro. All right.

Can't wait. We go. Can't wait to watch American Pie down there. Can't wait to watch scary movie down there? It's a projection screen and like the quality is like, bad. I'm like, there's always something. There's always a catch. Let's keep going.

So when I was in about the fifth grade, I went over to my buddy, Connie's house, and his parents had five hoses running in the house to fill all their water beds. His mom was a rocket

too. Yeah. Dude, those dysfunctional houses, just complete chaos. Always the hottest mom, you're like, what? Yo, how did you? How are you hot? None of this makes sense.

How's your mom hot, bro? Water beds. Hey, what happened to water beds? One day, all the water beds in the world just disappeared at the same time. Everybody's obsessed with beds. I'm telling you,

water beds are going to, to make a comeback. Calling it now. Spresso hot takes. Next year. Oh my God. Wait. He has a water bed?

Those are pressure, bro. Water beds? Remember? Yeah, the first time you got on one. You thought you were, you thought you might die. Woo,

whoa, no, first time on a water bed. Oh, oh, this is kind of nice. You did get a little scared, though. And that was always the question in my head was how you fill it up?

Like you got this big bag of water up here? How did you fill it up? I never asked, but I always wanted to know. You take the hose and you bring it up. You got to bring it through the window. I was like, oh, behind the scenes, waterbed talk. Didn't know. Five hoses, five water beds.

I would like to live in that house. Did they get a deal on those waterbeds? How come when I was a kid I thought a waterbed was $18,000? It might have been. If you had a water bed, I was like, bro, can I go with you on spring break? I know you're going somewhere crazy.

Can I go with you? That kid's, dude, if your friend had a waterbed growing up, his first car was a Jeep Grand Cherokee. Shit. With the... With the big, with the screen. You know what I mean? With the screen in the front.

Bam. Ooh. It's an Abercrombie and Fitch household right there. Water beds are such a flex. Is it lame? Like, would it be lame if I had a waterbed right now? Why doesn't everyone have one? Everything is like millennial coded now.

Oh my God, the millennial. The 2000s are so back. Bring back water beds. Can we put some respect on water beds? Where are they? Everybody. Everybody. Dragging me for having my bed on the floor.

Wait till I pop out next year with a water bed. What are you going to say? What are you going to say? Oh my God. Like, I went to this guy's house. He had a water bed. Nah. You're going to be like, damn, he had a water bed, though.

Make you seasick, girl. Type shit. So I had this friend growing up and she had like a really rich stepdad who had this sweet old mansion that was like a historical landmark that like random tourists would just pull up in the driveway and take pictures of it all hours which you know in and of itself is kind of wild like random strangers just pulling up into your driveway taking pictures of your house but that's not even the craziest part. So apparently it was like a house used during the underground railroad. And in the living room there was like a trap door in the floor where I guess they, that's where they like hid people. And we used to go down there and like smoke weed and hotbox it, which in hindsight, you know, is kind of messed up. But it was also pretty wild. But yeah, it was a cool house.

probably won't ever do that again because that was like, I don't know, 18 years ago. Yeah. Good memories. Yo, what a story. Underground Railroad Mansion? That's scary. That's some, oh, I would get so paranoid hotboxing out the railroad room. Hotboxy, hey, you ever hotbox a crawl space?

Dang. Where they were holding people? Man, that room had stories and you're just smoking it. What are we doing tonight? God. The disrespect is insane. And you know it's way worse. And a little like, you're all next to each other.

How funny was, how funny would that be? though that was the best time of your life bro. I love it. I love these stories. Oh, that house is so haunted. Who's buying this? That house. On another episode of Who's buying this? Underground Railroad Mansion. Who's buying this?

I'm good off that. I love a house with a bunch of little trap doors though. Dang. Makes me start to think, though. Like, was my, my grandparents. house had a bunch of little like secret passageways and trap doors. What was going on in there? Who was hiding in there?

Is that part of the railroad? It was in the basement. Uh-oh! Got some history on our hands. Hold up. Hold up. Was I just, was I playing hide and seek in a underground railroad hideout my whole childhood?

Bro, half of Christmas I was in this little closet just hiding from my other cousins. You tell me Harriet Tubbin? All right. It was the coolest thing ever though when you're like your grandma showed you a little secret passageway

in her old house. Whoa, nuh. Wait, shut up. There's this thing in my grandma's house where if you were in the bathroom and you opened up the like cabinet,

you know, there's like Q-tips in there from like World War I. You know, everything. There's aura gel in there from like 19. 32. You're like, why is this still in here?

But you could like reach to the back of the cabinet and push open like the wall. And it would it would open up a door like a little like door into the closet in the next room. I was like what? What? Okay. We just have like little like, you know, secret kind of. I don't know why somebody would be in the closet and why somebody would be in the bathroom. But, oh, low key, you know, you could do on some, on. some creepy on some creepy cousins. When I was like six, I used to go in the closet and like push open the cabinet, like push

open the door to the secret door in the cabinet and just scream when people were like going to the bathroom. Hey, still do it too. So you're just like in complete peace and quiet in the bathroom, like thinking you're by yourself and I'm, my face is actually inside of a cabinet going like this. And you hear that when you're in the bathroom. bathroom peeing or taking a deuce and that is the funniest thing that's ever happened. The look on their face, I love a secret passage, man.

Skit guy. Hey, more houses, new houses need to have secret passageways. A bookcase that turns. Like, can we just make that a normal feature? The hell. Okay, the wildest thing by far was I was living in L.A. And I was doing tour visuals for artists. And I went to Sway Lee's house.

Oh. And I was just chilling there for like a long time. And he was downstairs playing video games with these girls. And he had this like bouncer guy that was just chilling. rolling a ton of jays. And so we were just smoking and just waiting. And then Sway comes up and we're chatting about his tour visuals and his show and getting all these great ideas.

And then he like stops midsense and he's like, do you want to see something? something crazy. And I was like, absolutely. And so we go upstairs and half of his bedroom is just Nike boxes.

And then there's like just a girl chilling in his bed. I think she was like reading a book. and he was like, he was like, it's out on the patio. And he opens his patio. And he's got, he's got these baby pigs. And he's like, I got baby pigs, man. And he turns to me, he's like, isn't that hard as fuck? And I was like, yes, bro, that is indeed super hard as fuck.

Yeah, and that was crazy. And then we left shortly thereafter. But I just always remember that moment having a lot of like DJs and stuff. But that was the coolest. That's a one right there, baby. Yo, I think that might be the best voice message I've ever heard my entire life. I'm a sway-lee. like when people are like who's your favorite rapper

I say sway Lee every time telling you okay that are ludicrous let's be real white guys love ludicrous but um I can't believe we got an insider story is that what like celebrities do

all day you know they just dude I swear every time I've been in the presence of a celebrity you are just waiting it's just waiting waiting girls randomly. Why are they there?

Who knows? Bro, you go in his room and half of the room was Nike Shuba. Oh my God. I love it. The epitome of this pod was that voice message. The epitome of this podcast. We've reached a new high. We set the bar.

Baby pigs. Oh, isn't that hard as fuck? Can you imagine? I think I would just die right there. I think like that, that would be a reasonable point for me in my life to just die. If I'm in Swaley's room

and he brought me to his patio and there were a bunch of baby pigs and he looked at me and goes, isn't that hard as fuck? I would collapse, die and everything would be how everybody would understand. Oh, that's why he died? All right.

Oh, yeah. I mean, mm-hmm. Checks out. When it's time, it's time. God, that's the coolest thing ever. Baby pig. And the fact that he like remembered mid like conversation about work like you see something sick

right in the middle of business talk. I don't know if we're topping that. The waterbeds pretty close though. Not me, but a friend of mine was at a mutual friend's house and they were about to watch a DVD, but they couldn't find the TV remote. So the friend whose house it was instructed my friend to look to down the side of the sofa for the TV remote. And when my friend put her hand down the side of the sofa to look for said remote, what she pulled out was a pork chop bone and horrified, showed the friend. And the friend just said, oh, that's okay. Just put it back down there.

Oh, a pork chop bone. Oh. Yeah, it is pretty disgusting what you see when you flip your couch out. you know when you're moving and you like finally move your couch and stuff falls out of it and you're like that must have been

I always blame it on something else I'm like they could not have been me oh my god there's like a swimsuit a mini Heisman trophy a cream puff from Christmas six years ago always an

AirPod a little Lego man I'm like this has to be from the person who I bought this couch from there's like a name tag

that says my name on it I'm like yeah wasn't me the weirdest stuff down there dude a brush full of hair oh

pink you're like what the hell for some reason like 12 bouncy balls. You're like, what? I don't even, when the last time I had one of those?

Full pizza hot still. What? Pork chop bone. Oh God. Who's just eating pork chops like that? I've had pork chops maybe twice in my life. And the first time, and the second time it was like at someone's house

where I didn't have a choice against my will. But the first time I had pork shops, I was like, what? I don't even know what this is. is. Like what part of whatever animal is this? Pork chops. We're having pork chops tonight, B. I was like, are you sure? I don't know if this is what this is. I think my dad had to convince me that they were ribs for me to eat them. I was like, all right, but yeah, we're having ribs. Just had to fool myself into thinking it was something else so I could enjoy it.

What are we doing? When your dad tries something new? What a disaster? What a disaster? when your dad tries something new for dinner. I had the experimental dad, bro. Yep. My dad was old captain switch him up. My dad was sergeant switch him up. You never knew what you're going to get. At my dad's house,

Wednesdays and Fridays, dinner was a surprise, baby, but it was the main event. So you were kind of hype, like, all right, we're getting something crazy. We don't know what it is. But we're getting something crazy. All of a sudden, I walk into Turkey Manhattan's.

Okay. Hey. Sergeant switch them up strikes again. Okay, country fried steak, but my dad doesn't fry stuff. So he just put Rice Krispies on it. All right. Getting freaky in the kitchen, Coach P. We had, dude, my dad would make up some stuff.

And I used to have to convince my friends that it was like good. for them to eat it. Because it'd be like ungodly healthy. One time my dad, I had my friend, it was like an NFL Sunday and I had my friend over. And it was like one of my like main homies. So like nothing was weird. He like got it.

He knew what was going on. I was like, my dad's making grilled cheese. He's like, oh, that's what's up. But the grilled cheese had no butter, wheat bread, fat-free cheese. And we had chili. but it was like homemade chili, 98% lean ground turkey.

Like, you know, it was just like not tasty. But I just had, I just, yo, this shit's gas. I tell my friends like, yo, this is fire. So they'd be like, oh, yeah. Just like eat it. And I'd be like, woo, dodged a bullet there. Just hoping to God, they don't think I'm weird.

Sorry, bro. If we get fat around here, my dad will shoot us in the back of the head. Sorry, dog. If we get fat, my dad's going to take us out back. Close one. It was kind of good, though, because you could, like, always eat a lot of it. I'm trying to justify it now, but. Or we'd have chips and salsa at my dad.

Chips and salsa at my dad's, but it would be fat-free tortilla chips. So like all already everybody's like, okay, get over it. Bake tostitos, tortilla chips. And instead of salsa, we dip it in, instead of salsa, we dip it in fat-free bushes beans. Instead of salsa. It's fire. I'm telling you, it's fire. Tortoise and beans.

If you're trying to sergeant switch them up, that's the way to go right there. I'm telling you. Divorce Dad's Divorce Dad cooking show. All right. I'm Coach P. Today. What's some shit? We're making molasses, uh,

molasses ice cream shakes for dessert. Come with me. Tastes so bad. Drink it all, though. Melassus shakes. We really had that for dessert. Not kidding. what up.

So the wildest shit I ever saw someone's house was back when I was 17 I was in high school as a senior my mom worked at the church and of course she befriended this old lady and the old lady obviously had like nobody to help her with anything so like my mom

told me I had to go to this old lady's house and help her like clean out her garage God. And when I was cleaning out her garage, there was this, like, little grill. And I was moving the grill, and I opened up the grill. And there was, like, 20 dead mice in the grill. And it was just like, oh, I was like, I went crazy. Like, I still think of the time when I saw it.

And the reason why all these mice were in there is because there was, like, the top where you, like, you let out the exhaust. They must have kept falling in there, and they must have kept going in there because they must have smelled like burnt food or crumbs. So it was just like a death trap for frigging mice. And it was fucking disgusting. And you know how these old women live. They live in like filth and like hoarder, and they're just like all junk and shit. And they just don't even know what's going on in their own houses.

Crazy. Oh. It's crazy that like that's the stuff that you remember in your life. And it's understandable. Like, you'll never remember passwords, people's birthdays, people's names. Literally people's names. But you'll remember that you cleaned out some ladies garage and there were 20 mice in a grill. That's the craziest thing.

I can picture that. 20 mice. Oh, a deep bowl of dead mice. Bro, those were there for 30 years. What a job, man. Good for you. Johnny, good deeds. Trying to think of some disgusting stuff I've seen at a house before.

It's always in one of those situations, though. Situations. How come half of my life is just cleaning out other people's garages? I'm like, here we go. Do I, am I built like I look good at cleaning out garages or something? God. clean out the garage my whole life

hey yep you're cleaning out the garage today oh my god I did this last Saturday how much cleaning how clean does the garage need to be this is a place where we just throw stuff

tools wagons basketballs grills there's bikes on the wall I love how the garage just like a junk drawer of your house Just I don't know, put in the garage.

Jesus Christ. Sweeping the garage. How many times I sweep the garage as a kid? I'm like, this needs way more than sweeping. This needs a, we need a whole new house. It was amazing, though, the time when, like, the first time an animal, like, burrowed into your garage, you're like, oh,

or there'd be, like, a little bird's nest in your garage. You're like, oh, my God, they've accepted us. Or the first time, like, a goose, like, made a nest. in the bush on the side of your house, you're like, oh my God, look at that. Would you look at that? Mm-hmm. You counted us out.

Now we're part of the ecosystem. I thought that was insane. I'd be walking from the backyard to the front yard to go inside after, like, you know, playing football, like by myself for three and a half hours in the backyard and just get... Whoa! Damn! Stupid goose!

Goose is trying to live at our house. Doesn't know there's a window behind his nest in the bush. I can spy on him all day from there. But then he gets all mad when I walk 10 feet in front of his stupid nest. My hatred of geese runs deep, bro. They've just never been nice. I'm sorry. And they just don't deserve to be that rude ever.

But God, they make a nice nest, don't they? You ever see a goose nest when the goose isn't there? I'm like, okay. Okay, fluffy interior. What if I sit down in there? What's you going to do? So protective. Nice.

One time we had a mouse in our, in our, the first time you had a mouse in your house. Ooh, what a moment. Caught them. Mousetrap. Crackers with peanut butter on them. Again, that was a dad move. Didn't go with the normal everyday cheese on the trap. Peanut butter on crackers.

Behind a file cabinet. Next morning. Got his ass. Sergeant, switch him up. All right, let's keep going. It's two days. What a question and the voice message is just. Sway Lee?

Indoor pool talk? Waterbed talk? Welcome to the espresso pod, baby. It's what we do. Thursday, sugar cookie day. really, really, really, really climbing the charts for me. Sugar cookies, I've been, I haven't respected them my entire life. And people have been talking to me about them a lot, my whole life.

Like, really like, like, bro, sugar cookies. You don't like sugar? They're not enough for me. It's not enough for me. But I didn't know sugar cookies were the foundation. And you got to, you got to, you got to, dress up the sugar cookie. The sugar cookie is the vehicle,

the icing, the sprinkles, the strawberries, the pizuki, the modifications on top of the vehicle is what makes a cookie. And oh my God, sugar cookie does such a great job of holding it down. Nobody holds it down in the cookie world

like sugar. It knows its role. Hey, I'm not the show, all right? I'm not the show. I'm the glue guy. You build your team around the sugar cookie. Your sugar cookie isn't getting you 25 and 10 every night. No. He's not flashy.

He doesn't have a Jordan Nike deal. Your sugar cookie is getting rebounds, playing defense, blocking out. He's a leader. He's been in the league. He knows what it takes to win. in, he's a locker room guy, he's your captain, sets the tone. There's some John going on.

No, nah, nah, nah, nah, no, nah. Sugar cookie walks up? All right, we'll figure this out later. Sugar cookie's the boss, bro. Then you get your, your sprinkles, your hot fudge, your ice cream, and put it on top of the sugar. You get your peanut butter. You can do so many things with the sugar cookie.

I'm telling you, yo. last night last night breaking news had the mega Pizuki at BJ's brewhouse yeah the one that's like

so big it looks disgusting almost me and Logan took it out no second thoughts no hesitation gone bang bang

too easy almost not even a threat but half of the big Pizuki was sugar cookie and it set it off. And I could have done the whole thing sugar cookie. It's just different, man. It just hits better.

National Pick Blueberries Day. I don't, I could never. When I see a blueberry, I have to eat it. Like, I can't just have blueberries in my fridge. No, they're gone. Sorry. If there are blueberry, if there's a container of blueberries in my fridge and I'm in my bed, I'm just thinking of the blueberries in the fridge when I'm in my bed.

bed. Matter of fact, if there's anything in my house that's edible and I'm in my bed, the sexual tension between me and whatever I have in my fridge is, I can't stop thinking. I have to eat it immediately. Guys got problems. National blueberry muffin day. What's going on with blueberries this week, guys, huh? Is it just all about food? Like, I joined this podcast and it's just like all about food or like, is this a food podcast? Like, you didn't say that up front. So I'm just like we Hey Ash, it's whatever we want it to be And sometimes I'm really hungry

When I do this podcast and it's about food Sometimes I'm really scared when we do this podcast So it's about ghosts But yes, it's about food pretty much National Blueberry Muffin Day The muffin that's better than every muffin Even if you have the slightest argument It's better

I don't know why But like it just Blueberry Muffin's whole the rights to being the best muffin of all time. Like, I don't care how sexy you make your chocolate, double chocolate muffin. It's just still not hitting like blueberry muffins. Blueberry muffins are the king of the court. Come in here with whatever you got, bro.

Seriously. Come in here with your, what orange, you ever have like the orange cherry one? And you're like, but how is this, why is this even a combination of muffin? Because they're trying to take down blueberry. And no one's ever going to do it. It's just not possible. What about cinnamon swirl?

No. That's what cinnamon rolls are for. Is there even a contender of muffin? Apple cinnamon? And I've never had one that doesn't make me go like this. Do you ever milk? Double chocolate. It's pretty good, but it's not blueberry.

Can't really think of any of the other ones. Just nothing is touching blueberry. I can't even think of one. Does anybody... Are we good on this? I feel like this is the one time where I have no, like, regrets. The best muffin is blueberry,

and that's it. Red velvet muffin, no. It's not. It's not even a thing. Banana nut? You guys are just doing everything. Butterscotch muffin, coffee muffin.

Nothing's touching blueberry. Banana nut? Get out of here. Banana thinks it's just the king of everything sometimes, and I'm sick of it, all right? Banana, you got bread, okay? You're not going to just jump into muffins thinking you own the place.

You have bread. Chocolate. Hey, guess what? You have cookies. Go. Cherry, you have pie. Get out of here. Blueberries have muffins.

So stay in your lane. I don't want to say it again Everybody wants to beat up on blueberry Guess what It's not gonna happen That's not very nice Oh yeah Sunday

It's not gonna happen Oh God I'm gonna kill myself Eat your Jello day I swear this podcast is about food Jello Mm Huh Really really really

after your 10, just not a thing anymore. Jello shots. Okay, you're right. Jello does transform from a fun little snack to the way you got married real quick, doesn't it? Jello. A fun little lunch snack. And then it's the way you gotten a fight with your girlfriend one night

during beer Olympics. Jello shots. A fun little snack when you're a kid. kid and then when you're adult it's how you were verbally assaulted by your girlfriend at the Indy 500 Jello shots.

Jello a fun little snack when you're a kid and when you're an adult when you're an adult it's the way you both cried in your car till 4 a.m. Jillo!

The fun snack you can trade at lunch or the reason your wife gets the house what are you talking about you're like seriously depressed paper bag day national pecan pie day pecan pie

it's one one full pecan pie is too much pie that's just too much like who's really who's eating that? I don't know another episode of who's eating that whole thing who's eating that whole thing pecan pie one slice every two years maybe

but like a whole pie you guys are taking that out I don't know maybe I'm not like exotic enough with my desserts but I feel like that's sitting around man one slice and that's just like is anybody want this

about to feed it to the dog type of pie I remember one time I was feeding pecan pies to the catfish in the pond behind my grandma's house because nobody was eating them. My grandma had like four pecan pies. And I was like, yo, can I use this to like feed these catfish back here? Because I was trying to catch catfish. Like I was always just trying.

I was always trying to catch. Like, I don't know. I was on a side quest as a kid to just like make forts and capture animals when I was on vacation. And they're a catfish in this pond. And I was like, I'm going to catch one of these by the end of this week. So I was taking everything from my grandma's house and thrown it in this pond trying to reel these catfish in.

They really liked pecan pie. The only thing that likes becon pie, catfish. Figured it out. I thought it wasn't a food podcast. Coach P. Quarter of the Week. Here we go. I texted my, I texted Coach P.

Attitude and effort. Two things you can control. It really made me feel like worthy, honestly. My college football coach would always say it. He'd be like, it doesn't matter how good you are. Sure, people are more athletic than you, more talented than you. It's always going to happen.

Stronger than you. You're not going to be the best. Even when you're the best, you're not going to be the best. But two things you can control are attitude and effort. Sounds simple and like I'm talking down to you right now. But just think about it. I can't do this. I can't do that.

They're better than me at this. He's more experienced at that. I guess I'll just give up. They don't have the attitude of a winner. They don't have, they're not putting in the effort to become the most successful. Nobody is.

But you control that. you control your own attitude towards every, every outcome, your own attitude. It's got to be good. You can just, if it's bad, it's good now.

You can just change it. Attitude and effort. How much work are you going to put in? It's all up to you. Attitude and effort. Two things you can control. It's the only two things you need. Talent.

Yeah, sure. But attitude and effort beats that every single time. Texted that to my dad. He hits me back. Plus, the discipline to keep a good attitude and push yourself when it's not convenient, bro. I know this sounds,

this sounds corny, I know. But like, just take it, take every word and think about it for real. How easy is it to quit when it's not going your way? It's like the first thing. You're gonna do the first thing. I'm good. You're a bitch.

Everybody can do it. Can you do it when it gets hard? Everybody can do it. Can you do it when it's not convenient? Do it in. It's always not convenient. It's always the most inconvenient thing of all time. Every time you need to do something,

it's never been more inconvenient. Oh my God. Well, I only have two hours. I'm like, I can't. It's just going to take long. I can't do that. I can't squeeze it in because it's like, it's always inconvenient, but I just got to do it.

Just quit. change your attitude, put in more effort, and do it. You know what I'm talking about, right? Coach P.C.C.Core of the week. All right, yo. Unreasonably good pod. Love it. Love the voice messages. Love you guys.

Always hidden. Fam knows fam. Still don't know what that means, but kind of do now. Grab your merch. Tell your psycho homies to join the Patreon. Listen to the pods, bitch. Love you. See you on the internet.

See you next week. It's ha, ha, fight.