Espresso - the brokest thing you've ever done

Episode Date: April 17, 2025

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The brokeest thing I've ever done was move to Florida. Boom! Here comes the boom! Ready or not, here comes the boys from the South. Oh, this thing's on. Espresso podcast shot 363. I'm your girlfriend Benny whose hands always smell like complete shit no matter what. Wash my hands. Blink.

They smell like shit again. Somebody explain it. Upcoming stand-up comedy shows, Rochester, New York, May 9th and 10th. That's coming up. Las Vegas, Nevada, May 24th. And just added, just added, just just just just added. Nashville, Tennessee, June 13th and 14th.

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Get one for get one for your kid. He's buying this. Who's not all that? Get all your merch Benedict Merch dot comcom..com............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... I know we're not I know we're this is such a middle-class podcast bro. Oh my god Holy suburbs Batman, holy blue collar Batman This is such a corner lot podcast this is such a cul-de-sac podcast. Oh, man It's a brokeest thing you've ever done? What'd you do? Was it when I used to take my girlfriend to expensive restaurants and pretend to pay before,

but really just paid with a gift card that I took from my dad's old house? Was it that? I didn't do that. What'd you do though? Let's hear it. What's the brokeest thing you've ever done? So the brokeest I've ever been? I was stuck at an airport and it looked like I was going to be

stuck for two days. So I got me a room for two days, but I did two separate transactions because it would have been cheaper to book them separately than it would have to do it together by like hundreds of dollars. So that's broke number one. I ended up not needing the hotel room. And so I called, God damn, it's just beeping hell out. Help me, spectacle. So I called the bank. She's backing up right now.

To dispute the charges. Cause I could not be without, I think it was only like a hundred dollars. It wasn't even that much So they reversed it a month and a half later. They charged me for it again and my account overdrafted Broke big problems If you're not a little bit broke I don't I just don't you got to go through that If you haven't hit a couple overdrafts go to hell. I

Don't want to know you And like you never find out you don't find out till it's like three months later Never know If why is it kind of my dream to get stuck at the airport I get so jealous when I see somebody's Instagram story I've literally been At the cholera earth at Denver Airport for like a day. They keep delaying my flight sounds like heaven I Will never complain that's one thing one thing one thing about me, I'll never complain about an airline. Oh my God, the flight, like, it just didn't take off,

and like, we're just sitting in there, and like, it's your fault. Book it a day before. And like, how many things can go wrong with an airplane? One tiny little fraction of a problem in an airplane? I mean, isn't that like the biggest, like bro, just chill out. Everybody complaining on Twitter

about their airplane problems, you don't know what's going on. What if the whole thing goes on fire in five minutes? Just, dude, I'd love to be stuck at it. Just keep me at an airport, man. Just let me lay down in D13. I'll stay there forever. I don't understand where people,

like people that work at the airport, where do they come from? I think they just like, they spawn there. Like Call of Duty style, they just end up like at the Einstein Bagels. They're, this is where I'm working today. They never know where they're working, the people that work at the airport,

they just spawn wherever every morning different person every time Hmm. Oh Hudson news There's always a dumbest like shop in an airport too that I'm like Natalie's candy Is buying this Who's ever been like, oh yes, oh my God, the Phoenix airport and I can get some Natalie's candy.

Shut up. Always the weirdest score, a popcorn store. I'm like, how about something a little more like that, that we would need. But if I'm stranded at an airport for like, I don't know, some people are there for like two days. That sounds amazing to me. I would just have, it just be like you're stuck at the mall for two days. That's my dream.

Yeah, I'd get the, I'd get Natalie's can't two days going insane. Gotta eat airport food. I've never felt better. Dude, I went to a Chili's in an airport. They were open at 8 30 a.m. Never been more satisfied in my life. Sat in a booth. No complaints. Nobody around me. Time doesn't exist in an airport. 8 a.m. Just just got six scrambled eggs.

Just got six scrambled eggs. Can I have six scrambled eggs and a coffee? Just some airport plain black coffee. Oh my God, that hit ESPN on a huge TV in front of me. I was like, could I stay? I was honestly, I was getting greedy because I was staying in the booth. I was staying in the, I was having too much fun. I was in the booth for like an hour and 20 minutes.

There's people waiting in line. I was like, I just don't want to leave. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just love this too much fun. I was in the booth for like an hour and 20 minutes. There's people waiting in line. I was like, I just don't want to leave. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just love this too much. God, that sounds amazing. I was stuck in the airport. I like, shoot it out. No, keep me there.

For as long as you want. Just keep going. No music for this one, Because the story does itself. Like, guy, I've been in the past week so broke that I downloaded the McDonald's app. Or not McDonald's, BK. Your freaking boy is on BK Prime. Oh, that's a thing? And I used whatever coupon it was to get like a $1 french fry.

Got the receipt, used the coupon code on the back to get a free Whopper. Ah! So trash, dude! Have you ever heard the podcast, R U Garbage, AYG? That is the nth degree of trash. So it should really be out trash. Just that's, I mean, that's actually lovely.

Oh, I've also- Next question. Bought a tool, used it, returned it. Oh, yeah. That's Also next question Yeah I've been this is early broke, but I've rented a you-haul and then at the end Please or no wasn't you hold home people giant truck didn't know you could do that You I think a Ford 650. One of the big old boys, you know, not a box truck but the other one. You know, I just wanted a fricking floor and feel some power and a little bit of the horsies, you know?

Or horse around. Pah! Scott, Scott. So I came up, went to the movie theater, one block, not even one block, across the parking lot, from the home to pot, the homie to pot, and just ripped it up and after like 10 minutes dropped it off like yeah good to go just yeah the BK after a $1 large try go back a couple water with a receipt to

get the free walk also about clearance, she's shop right. But I love you. It was freaking botched. It was a botched. So yeah, pretty trashy did or broke whatever that time. But hey man, even if you're rich or broke, you can go on a costis and just a test bitch. Clean boy. Top 5. He's clean boy. Oof.

Nice voice message. Dude, Milky Boys like at the top of the charts. Espresso podcast voice message top 50. Milky Boys got like 17. That one was damn. He just got into U-Haul and ripped it, ripped it down in the movie theater parking lot for 10 minutes. Never even thought about that.

You get a U-Haul, why aren't we just gunning it in vacant parking, a mall parking lot? The first time he floored it. Remember that? Everybody remembers that that where they were on 9-eleven who they lost their V card to where they were during Space Jam when Michael Jordan did that long arm dunk you remember where you were and where where you were when you first floored it what road it was on cuz you really got to check around.

Hold on, is this? Yeah, this is like, I'm pretty sure, I've never seen a cop on this, that road behind your house. Everybody's got that road behind their house. It's just like a weird, like they're about to build a neighborhood on the left, but they haven't yet.

It's just like a bunch of land. You're like, Captain Heavyfoot prepared for duty. Get kind of scared. I did it to my, dude in my neighborhood always went to his house all the time.

Van was parked in the garage. I was just pretending I was driving the van that wasn't on or anything. Just flooring the shit of it. Probably flooded the engine. Sorry, Jesse! Sorry, Jesse's mom! Clarence sushi, I'm not against it. I think all sushi that's like not from

sugar fish is pretty much all the same sushi. You'd get it from a gas station? Literally disgusting pig. Yeah, I would. A pilot gas station? I trust everything in there with my life. More than like a Ralph's. everything in there with my life more than like a Ralph's Ralph sushi Kroger sushi flying J sushi same thing God I want to live in a u-Haul so bad after hearing that from Milky Boy. What else did he say? No music for this one. I like download with the McDonald's app. Oh, dude.

I didn't know there's a Burger King Prime app. Can we talk about that for a second? Free fries. Free, hey, when is a fast food place gonna have a free fry day? Come on. Show us some love. What are you doing with all those fries

at the end of the night? One of the biggest mysteries of my life is like, I just wanna work at a fast food place for like a week just to see what they do with all the extra food at the end of the night. Does anyone know? All he does is talk about fit. Ash!

Shut it! What do they do? What do they do with all the food? Starbucks, what are you doing with all the bakery treats? Just what do you do? Burger King, I know there's stuff left over. What are you doing? You throw it in the trash.

Take it home. Like that'd be the biggest perk. Yeah, we're got Burger King. That sucks. Yeah, not when I walk out of the store at midnight with a bag of chicken nuggets and fries. Hey, you hiring? BK Prime, let's keep going.

Hey, Benny, I got two broke, broke boy activities for you. One, when I was in high school, I was too broke to afford any video games. I had a system. I had a dream, dream cast. Wait a minute. I didn't tell you I was already broke. I had a dream cast, but. Wait a minute. Sick. I think that's how you know I was already broke. I had a dream cast, but I couldn't afford any new games.

So during gym, I sometimes would steal other kids' Blockbuster cards. Oh! And then I would go to Blockbuster and rent the game I wanted with their card, pay for the rental in cash, which was like five or six bucks and then basically never return it. So then I would have this game. Owned fully and only paid six bucks for it because I was broke.

I hope the statute of limitations is up on that one. The other one was in college, very broke, very hungry. You would go into like a Whole Foods type of grocery store. Now we're talking. Where they had a great sandwich jelly and just order the nastiest biggest sandwich they had. Uh oh. Just like get it up and they're like,

they would make it for you, throw on a little sticker on the side that was like, here's your $17 sandwich. You can pay for it at the register up front. I'd be like, thank you so much. See ya. I just walk the fuck out with that big old sandwich. Just big, fat and greedy for no reason.

Anyways, love you bro. See ya. God, what a dog. Straight dog. Still paying off that blockbuster karma, but Whole Foods, part of the deal. Hey, you gonna charge this much? Straight dog still paying off that blockbuster karma, but whole foods Part of the deal. Hey, you gonna charge this much, you know stuff people are gonna steal stuff. It's part of the deal The bread is is $32

The couple loaves are gonna come up missing babe. It's part of the deal God the first time I was at Whole Foods and I loaded up a hot bar box just I don't know had never been in Whole Foods before I thought it was a flat rate I thought it was filler to the brim filler to the brim how much can you fit in That's what I thought it was. Why would I ever think that? Because it kind of made sense in my head. I was like, oh yeah, you just pay like 10 bucks for this box and I'm going to fill it. Dude, I filled it with meatballs.

So many meatballs. Okay. Your total is 3740. Paid it. Ate all the meatballs on the way home. But yeah, the amount of times I've like done that with a big box, fill it through the brim. Weight it with half the box off the scale. Part of the deal.

Dude, that Blockbuster card. It was kind of weird because like, only my dad in my family had a Blockbuster card. So we were lucky to go. I think if you had a Blockbuster card, you were in another tax bracket. If you had a Blockbuster card, you had a tall Christmas tree, you had orange juice, you had Tropicana, you had Simply.

juice you had Tropicana you had simply But I don't know my dad's blockbuster card I just remember it was so popping in his wallet Everybody did how come I how come every dad has like? 97 credit cards From my dad's wallet. I was like hey yo, can you consolidate? Like I know how much shit Bro, it was a big problem anytime I went anywhere with my dad it would take them like

37 minutes to leave the car we'd get to the place putt-putt place boom only thing I ever did with my dad was go putt-putt putt-putt place Can't-putt plus, ah, can't wait to play. I get out I just I. I'm like, are we going? It gets it gets. Dude, the the the moon comes out. It's dark now. I'm like, I don't even know if I feel like this.

I just one sec, B, I think I, leave it at the, cheese, hold on, we gotta run back to the gas station. I wanna see if I left at the pump. Shit, it's not, shit, did we end up, we end up going an hour and a half later. He uses a different card. I'm like, oh my God, dude.

Every dad's wallet just can't get the picture out of my head of that info-mer-info-mercial of like the money clip. They sold me on that. The money clip commercial, the steel metal clip, fit four cards in one side, cash on the back. This thin. They're like, you got a big bulky wallet. And the guy has the wallet in his back pocket, sits down,

it like cracks his spine. Ah, you know how infomercials are so graphic? I was like, oh my God, dude, I bought this, the slim money clip, had it all in high school. Just the 75 year old dad money clip that I was so cool. Lost it 35 times but my dad would be rifling through his wallet and I'd always see the blockbuster card and I'd be like oh shit he has one of those it was like clear they made it look so cool blockbuster was lit

they made it look like ripped around the side I was like hmm looked like ripped around the side. I was like, mm. I did some broke. I did some broke boy stuff too. Kind of regrettable. This one hurts to say. But one time I went to my rich friend's house and he had no business having this many video games.

Like you ever go to somebody's house that has so many video games? Like it almost looks like a disc replay or FY years. Like the amount of cases. I was like, bro You tell me your play what you got mad in 2005 You're not playing that So one time he was having a party hey hey hey Honesty hour honesty hour. He was having a party, took like four old games,

turned them in at Blockbuster for like eight bucks. Ha ha ha ha! Put it towards Tony Hawk's underground. Best decision of my life. Did he ever find out? Ha ha ha ha! I'll let you decide. Broke boys.

I don't know if it was like an Uber Eats glitch or something, but I could go to my previous orders and reselect this chicken combo that I got a bunch of times with an Orange Fanta, even though they no longer had Orange Fanta on their menu if you went to go place the order now. And every time they would just give me a Mountain Dew with it, so I would contact UberEats support and get refunded for the entire order. And this probably happened like 50 or 60 times before the time. Let's go! And stopped giving me refunds. True G.

Hey man, take advantage of your advantages. Let's go finish, finish, finish, take advantage of your advantage. Sometimes you gotta do it to the big dog. Uber eats? Never feel bad for hopping in on one of those glitches. I wouldn't tell anybody either. Mm-mm.

This is my dirty little secret. What'd he say, free chicken combo? What was all that all about? It's like an Uber Eats glitch or something, but I could go to my previous orders and reselect this chicken combo that I, oh, the words combo. I could go to my previous orders and reselect this chicken combo that I the words combo

has anything ever ever just Felt so good to hear the words combo. I'll take the number five combo at a drive-through window I'm like, ooh Combo Oof, oof, combo. Never once did I ever get the combo, but damn, everybody else I was with, six combo, please, Dr. Pepper. I'm like, you have it made. God, good for you, man.

Do it to Uber Eats, cause Uber Eats, has anyone ever been like fully satisfied with Uber Eats? You always feel like you're getting got a little bit. How about the time I ordered $85 of wings, because that's, I mean I don't know, I'm starving. And wings are so much money apparently. That was probably for like 50 wings. And I can eat 50 wings, because it's kind of nothing. $85 worth of wings.

And I sent them to, because I was out of state, I was in like New Jersey or something. Sent them to Austin, Texas? Like, it can't be my fault. It is, but it can't be my fault. That's why you gotta take advantage of your advantage. The rockest thing I've ever done was take fucking dry instant noodle ramen,

the cheap shit, and ate it like it was fucking chips because I couldn't even afford chips. Damn. Hey. Sounds pretty good. I love the I love ramen. I do. It's so good but so bad for you. I had like little pieces of ramen in my car for a really long time because I did the s'mores ramen.

Who's buying this? So I just had like probably two cups of like crunched up ramen all over my car for a really long time. And anytime I would get in my car and drive somewhere I would just eat them and They were so good just little You just felt like a little mousy in there I Would eat I would take a bite out of a block of ramen right now. Oh Sometimes stale stuff just tastes a little bit better. Stale pretzels. Rolled gold.

I like them old. Bring them to mommy. That's pretty poor, but not saying I wouldn't do it in the next hour. All right, man. The brokeest thing I've ever done. Bruh. I was like young 20s, had a job, but I was just spending way too much

trying to live the club life, trying to keep up with section prices and press bitches that didn't even give a fuck. My bank of America was like negative a hundred bucks. I had maybe a hundred dollars left to swap on my Amex balance, like literally down to my dick and balls, bro. Before we went out to the club, I told Bank of America, there's fraud on my account. Dude, crazy move, crazy move. So Bank of America basically blocked out both of my accounts.

So it looked like my balance was like negative 800,000, but that's like the process that Bank of America does like as there. So basically I went to the club with the excuse of, oh, man, someone just hit me with fraud an hour or two ago. So my car doesn't work. Can't swipe tonight and rode that lie out all fucking weekend. Lord, behold, Monday rolled around and Bank of America was like, bro, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You spent all of these and I was like, you might be right. But it definitely gave me some wiggle room of a hell then know you that.

And I wrote the excuse of I don't have my them know set up or my cell for like a week while I don't have a bank account. And it gave it bought me a week to make money. And then I turned around and pissed it away. What did I learn? Nothing. I love you, bro. I don't know, dude, you really gotta be,

you really gotta be a true G to mess with the bank. I don't know how people do that, bro. That's how, well, that's where I wanna live life like that, just for a day. Yeah, I'm gonna get the bank. I can trick the bank. That's, the bank, bro? The bank runs it all.

Nah, I got this. Dude, I want that confidence. Fraud, bro. 95 Jaeger bombs. Fraud, dog. Well, it says here you 95 Jaeger bombs Fraud dog Well, it says here you Bought 10 Vegas bombs right when you ended the call with us last night the fraud call. Oh shit

And you rode the mechanical bull 16 times You bought a sweatshirt at the gas station? You bought you bought you bought a whole entire outfit from the gas station Gas station merch bro If I had unlimited money, I would buy all the merch. Put some respect on gas station merch. Hey put some respect on Walgreens merch. Serious? You walk into a Walgreens? Any Walgreens, any CVS in the whole entire country

and they have like the city's merch? It's so tough. Just stumbling into a CVS 1114 p.m. At night looking for trouble By 17 Reese's fast brakes and a broad ripple sweatshirt It's on the card baby. Don't worry about it. Dude, I don't know how you do that. But I've been there too.

I tried to call my bank and tell them to freeze my card between midnight and 2 a.m. Because I was such an idiot. They were like, dude, just don't be dumb. It's like, not possible. The brokeest shit I've ever done is I bought a clothing tag so that I can buy and return clothes so that I had fresh clothes to go out you know when I was in my 20s when I was going out five days a week and you wanted to look fresh you saw a

lot of the same people so you know the key was you know try not to smoke try not to sweat clean buy that shit that you want. Either you can keep the tag on and tuck it behind your shirt and wear it, or you can take the tag off and then you buy the gun and then you buy also sometimes just the tag strings or the tag plastic pieces, which I did, I found on eBay. And then I just would return the clothes. Click it back on. I never had one problem ever with a full refund. No one's ever called me out except maybe one time I went to Express and I returned a suit jacket and they said the tag was off. And because when I returned it, it fell off for somehow.

So they didn't want to refund me. But I'm like, oh, it just fell off when you were unfolding it. And they still refunded me. So that's some broke shit, but you know, you gotta look fresh. So Jersey. That's the most New Jersey thing I've ever heard in my life

I just do sometimes the going through the trouble isn't worth it for me It's coming from a guy that wears the same three things every single day Always felt so guilty I was the guy on the opposite side of that one time One time I sold a pair of shoes To a dude that was like yo You care if I wear these and then just return them. I'm gonna be straight up with you I was like, I don't care because I thought I wouldn't wasn't gonna be working there anymore. I was like, yeah do it came back I wasn't going to be working there anymore. I was like, yeah, do it. Came back, shoes smelled like straight weed, warmed like a Halloween party.

My boss was like checking them out. I was like, oh my god, that's that guy. That's that guy at the register. And all of a sudden, I'm like, please just like handle this. Like, please just be like, yeah, whatever. I'll just keep them. You know, I thought my boss would like do his thing and be like please just be like yeah whatever I'll just keep them you know I thought my boss would like do his thing and be like I can't return these I saw homeboy turn around and be like that guy told me I could return him I was like oh my god

luckily my boss was cool and was like all right Bro the way he looked at me the rest of the shift I was like When you know you should be fired at work, you know how hard I worked after that folded everything in the store No talkie all foldy Got good at full I sold like 24 insoles that day nobody sold more insoles than me when I feel guilty at work. Insoles, the things that go in the shoes. You know how hard those are to sell. Every day, you're going to sell some insoles, Pulitzky. I was like, I mean, who's behind this?

When's the last time you bought some Dr. Scholl's insoles? I think I sold 34 that day. Let's keep going. Signed up for All Things Worn and apparently there is a market out there for people who want to buy your farts. So I tried to sell my farts online. It could have been anything from you fart in a jar and mail it out to sending compilation videos of you farting because I heard my sister and my friend sold a 30 second video of her

farting for $30. Then also tried to sell my socks and bathing suits from after beach days and music festivals. I gotta... What side is that? I mean, who's gonna know? If you're really down bad, sell your old clothes to some weird guy. There's some dudes in my DMs that are like, much for your shoes how much for your socks, and I'm like yo Mm-hmm keep pull up of the bag of birthing

Call it even big dog Selling farts Big dog, selling farts. Literally nothing on your, I guess, you know, in my head I'd be like, I don't wanna ship it out. Nevermind, I don't wanna do this. Like the process of like, going to UPS with a box of jars, I'm like, I don't even wanna look those people in the face. I can't.

Same with like retagging shirts and returning them to a store. I'm like, I don't even want to just, I don't even want to like throw it on there. It's always that kind of shit that gets me. And it takes like, it's all stuff that takes four seconds. I'm just a bitch. Bro, there was a time in college where I took a dab off the wall of my dorm.

Like it was like a classic white brick paint wall. Oh yeah. There was a dab left over on the wall. And I took a nectar collector and hit it right off the wall. Fucked. Can I just, can we just talk about this guy? Fucked kind just can we just talk about this guy? Me after me after me after looking at a Miller light is how I sound bro

There was a time in college where I took a dab Passes a liquor store wall of my dorm like bro First communion takes a sip of the wine is a time in college, bro I've taken a dab once one time one time. I actually did being straight up here Cuz I was like whatever Everybody's like it's just like this just like, you know when you smoke and I'll do it once cares Head in hands at a Korean barbecue restaurant. Couldn't walk at a Korean barbecue restaurant. After taking dab me.

I gotta go back to the car. Dude, you know, you're so done when you gotta go back to the car. Nothing sounds better either than, yo, just let me go back to the car. Just let me be alone. I don't know how you did that, dog. Off the wall. Hey, Benedict, long time listener, first time caller. No way.

The brokest thing I've ever done is when I was in college, we used to go to Costco for dinner, hot dogs, dollar, dollar 50, including a soda, can get a chicken bake. Dream day. Pizza. Full on feast for like less than 10 bucks, you know? But we used to write checks before we'd get paid.

So there was no money in our account, but we used to write physical checks to Costco that were essentially bad and just pray to God they wouldn't deposit them before we got paid on Monday. Pretty broke, if you ask me. Not smart enough to know how to do that. I'm so glad I'm not either. How do you know that as a kid? Dude, you guys messing with the banks.

How do you have the balls? I know nothing about checks. And this is another time where I'd be like, I don't even know where a checkbook, I don't have a checkbook, nevermind, I can't do it. I would never go through with it. Writing fake checks to Costco? How much did you ball out?

I gotta know deets. Actually a dream date for me. Costco date with a girl, can you imagine? I don't think I've ever thrived more than at a grocery store. Especially at Costco. I gotta get in and out of Costco every time I go. That's where I get my hair pills.

Every time I get my hair pills at Costco, dude, I just, I wanna to take a lap so bad. And just the quantity. I'm like, how, like, it's bigger than a, than like a concession stand amount of food. 600 Nature Valley bars in there? I'm just in, just in awe looking at the packages Six hundred. And it's always like the peanut butter. It's always the shit you want the most.

I'm like they have though like the the the pretzels with the peanut butter inside of them at Costco. I'm like, is this all you guys have? They like hang their hat on that. I promise. I'm like, how come this is every time I walk into Costco, the first thing I see is a huge, clear tub of pretzels with peanut butter on the inside.

Ah! I wanna buy everything. Dream date. Let's go to Costco. Walk around Costco. Eat after. I'm telling you, I'm telling you. Ooh, that might be my next cheat day thing right there.

That little ice cream strawberry sundae from Costco, the way they layer that, ice cream strawberry, ice cream strawberry, ice cream strawberry. I'm like, who's back there? Who's the wizard in the back just pumping out perfect portions? Just wanna know, just wanna see, let me see back of house. Can I see back of house real quick?

Okay, thank you. Salute, sir, thank you. Can I have your autograph? Collectors edition, Costco back of house ice cream guy. Give me the holographic card legend I want his fat head on my wall Costco ice cream guy my hero I don't even know what a chicken bag the pizza Shut up

That big kite-sized pizza Don't I do it I I don't even need to get to hot dogs They got all that other stuff the cookie the Costco guys really put that on Chocolate chunk cookie boom boom boom. I'm like damn How much did Costco pay them? Because now all I think about is that goddamn cookie. Walk around Costco. Every guy knows you've never been funnier than when you're in a store with a girl just hitting bang bang bang bang no fat on the jokes all fire everything you say is hitting she's laughing so hard she doesn't even

appreciate it actually she doesn't appreciate what you're doing in there cuz you're just just guns blitz everything that comes out of your mouth they're like dude I need to get on stage right now. So funny. I need to rip a pod. Just two, just in the, ka, that's funny. Ka, that's funny. Boom, flirty.

Bang, making fun of that guy. Boom, cool story on Instagram. You're just hidden. Maybe you're so funny you buy yourself a little treat. Maybe you're so funny you buy yourself a little plushie. They have everything at Costco. A trampoline. You ever walk into Costco and just see the furniture and you're like, do I need a new couch? God. And then to sit down at a table and just ball out and then write a check for it might be the most G thing I've

ever heard in my life. That's insane confidence. The brokeest thing I've ever done was move to Florida. I had a pretty decent job. And then we moved to Florida. And man, it is not good. Why? I just did taxes. Oh, man. I watched half of the year I was getting like 2000 back and I was like, OK. And then I entered my Florida stuff, dropped it down to 450 and I was like, you got to be kidding.

But yeah, don't move to Florida. Don't ever come to Florida. You sure it needs to. Break off and float into the ocean and never be seen again. Why did that make me hungry? He said break off. I was like, could I eat Florida? Eugh. I don't know, man.

I can't wait to move to Florida. I'm sorry. I'm gonna be with you in Florida. We're gonna link up. Florida boys. 78. Telling you, when I'm 78, I'm moving to Florida. Doing nothing.

I'll pay all the taxes and one. I'll give them a tip. Bro, it's the smell. You already know. Smell of Florida? Outside malls everywhere? Come on. Putt-putup courses? Just vacation permanently. Every time I walk outside, no matter how old I am or no matter where I live.

Damn dude, just imagine if this was Florida. Dude, walking outside in Florida at like 730 PM. Oh, hey, talk about relaxed. The most relaxed you've ever been, right there. 7 30 p.m. Sandals on. I don't even own sandals. I walk outside in Florida at 7 30 p.m. They're on my feet.

Cool shirt that fits really well all of a sudden remember that one shirt you have that like it just it disappeared Everybody has the shirt that where'd it go? Like did it did it get ripped to shreds on the side of a road where that shirt go that I love so much It's gone that it's it's back on you Kind of fits tight around your shoulders. You're like, oh, but it's loose, loose and tight at the same time. You don't you can't explain it. But you're just like, this is my shirt. That shirt's on. So easy breezy shorts on. They're not swim trunks. I hate swim trunk. I

hate wearing swim trunks when you're not swimming and I hate wearing them when you are Light easy fit, bro. The air is so calm in Florida. Just no air no air No air no air And what are you doing? What are you doing? Because you live in Florida. What are you doing? Obviously? You live in an apartment and you're walking to a restaurant. Oh my god, that's the only thing I've ever done I've been to Florida a lot of times. I Feel like half the time. I'm in Florida. I'm walking from an apartment to a restaurant and I can't wait to sit down and order an appetizer That's Florida I

Don't know how you can hate it that sounds amazing Birds you've never seen oh my god, what is that? Grass so green Walking outside at 730 p.m. in Florida. Never been more chill. Hey, shoulders are so back. Me in Florida, me in any other state. Me in Florida.

What's up? We getting the potato skins? Yeah, I think the game's on. You're just saying, just you're so cool in Florida. Oh man, okay, so this is like a two-fold type broke stuff. So back in college I used to go around like the United States and teach dance camps. Amazing job. High high schoolers, we would do private camps. So like go to their actual high school, go to different universities, all the things. So this one particular camp we were going to

was at their high school. And so luckily I was driving with a friend. Well, this was before, I only had a debit card at the time. So I literally had maybe $7 on my debit card. And I wasn't getting paid until the third day. I like this. So I made up an excuse as to why I couldn't drive my car.

We had to take her car. So she said, oh yeah, no problem. Never told her why. So before we left for camp, I went to Plato's closet. Oh, no. I sold a couple of like articles of clothing and got maybe like 17 bucks. So we get into her car. We drive to this camp.

I have now what? Twenty bucks to my name. And we work this camp. And at this hotel, if you didn't request to have your room cleaned, they actually paid you $5. So it's like, you put the sign out saying like, no, I don't need my room cleaned, here's $5, they give you five bucks.

Amazing. So I'm like, oh yeah, girl, I think we're good. So she's like, okay. And so we're in this hotel for three days, I end up getting under 15 bucks. So I'm 20 plus 15, you know? And at private camps, you have to pay for your own lunch. You're not even at a university. Samples.

So you can't eat at the cafeteria. So I'm like eating like a mouth just to like get to day three. Croutons. Of when I actually get paid automatically on my debit card. And that has probably been the brokeest I've ever been. God, you were using your head, though. You got to appreciate the broke sometimes.

Like when you only have like 25, like 50, 75 bucks, do you've never been more efficient I love that mode I wish it could be like that all the time just tracking dude everything you're on every penny dog even looking at the gas thing in your car you're like mmm we're good to go bro you're so on top of it. That sounds kind of sometimes it's like kind of fun. Don't say being broke is fun. You're like literally delusional. Broke modes, broke modes, a good mode to be in.

Every dollar. Oh, no, no, I'm good. Not buying some food stuff from the store, not being bougie. You don some foo foo stuff from the store. Not being bougie. You don't need that. You don't need that. You don't need that. Just cut and dry.

Your life's never been so simple. I kinda get it. It's like that high school college vibe and when you're out of college too. The brokeest you've ever been. High school, little bit of college depending on what's going on. Scarnin'. And then there's like three years

after college where you're like and they're spread out to Like you might have a real job then you might not have that job anymore, but the first jet dude The first time you get real money So dumb biggest idiot of all time, buys a tray of 20 shots, just for somebody he saw once in his life. But when you're in broke mode, you're not even going out, babe.

You're locked in, you're trying to make money. Y'all clean your shoes, you know what you're doing? Instead of going out, you're sitting in you're trying to make money y'all clean your shoes you know what you're doing instead of going out you're sitting crisscross applesauce on your floor stashing pennies and a bunch of change that you found into those into those rolls rolls of quarters rolls of pennies rolls of nickels remember doing that everybody's done that at some point everybody's been broke enough to where they found a bunch of change and they're gonna put it in the rolls.

It's a good night. You think about it like, dude, your brain, like when you do activities like that, I feel like that's when my brain's clicking the most. Like when I'm washing dishes, I'm like, ah, I think about something cringy. I like reevaluate my entire life. Or when you're cooking.

It's one of those times when you're rolling quarters, bro Your brain is just broke mode It's fun so back in 2013 I graduated college and so I was in between Not having a big-girl job and still like doing like the waitressing and the in-and-out jobs and stuff like that. And so I actually used to donate plasma. Well, with plasma, they give you a debit card and then they upload that money on that debit card, every donation that you make. And each donation

you can do up to two times a week. So that first donation you'd get like 25 bucks, second donation you would get double that, so you know 50. And then there would be times when they would do promotional deals. So like you donate that one time you get 35 bucks and then that second time it might be $75. So I was always like chasing those promotional deals, right? And so on top of donating plasma, you have to have a certain iron level. Well, I also happen to have low iron. So every time every girl and like two hours before I would donate, I would eat a bunch of spinach, you know, choke it down with some orange juice, make sure that everything was absorbed. And each

time you have to get tested to make sure your iron levels are right so I remember like it would be like my second donation on that promotional deal and I would test I would get my iron tested and it was too low No, and I would be denied and so I wouldn't be able to donate during that which was Absolutely devastating for you know at the time, I guess I would have been like, what 22, 23. So that was probably the cheapest, brokest thing that I've ever done. But I will say every time you donate plasma, you are actually saving three lives. So find a CSL plasma or any donation center and you can save three lives every donation

I've thought about it You drive by a plasma center you look inside there's nobody in there. You're like Could use a quick 50 Just by doing nothing by sitting there For my homies in college would donate plasma so much. I was like the spring break guy. Hey got your money for spring break Deadlines next Thursday. Yeah, I'm gonna hit the plasma place two more times. I got you Just blood for Panama City Beach I Just blood for Panama City Beach. I was always scared to download plasma.

I almost said that and he did say that. That's what he thought. Given plasma, I'm like, do you feel weird for the rest of the day? I'm too much of a bitch. I don't want to feel dizzy for the rest of the day? I'm too much of a bitch. But I don't wanna feel dizzy for the rest of the night. I'm good. Yeah, they aren't. How come every girl has the lowest iron levels known to man?

Is that, it's every girl I've ever known. Yeah, like my iron. Yeah, like my iron. I'm so tired because like my iron. Oh my eye. Yeah, like my eye. I'm so tired because like my eye. Oh, my God. I didn't know you got ironed by eating spinach and drinking orange juice. So. Shouldn't everybody's iron me well.

It's my own law. Couple more. God dang. Here we go. My mad, my bad. I was working out. But, so one time I was so broke, I needed gas. I only had $10 and I needed to go further than that.

So I pulled up to Kroger, used my stepmom's phone number and cashed out all of her Kroger rewards. Got that gas on the cheap cheap. It's just crazy because I've never been to a gas station and done the rewards before. I always say no. I'm like, I need to take advantage of that. Do you have any rewards points? I'm like No, I just don't like I don't want to deal with signing up for shit I can't do it I've been I've been to Ralph's here probably like 390 times night not even way more than that probably

3900 times never once put in my Kroger code. Because I'm just like, I just don't. Just do it! I do feel so accomplished that when I go to Dick's Sporting Goods, put in my dad's phone number when they ask for a number. I'm like, he'll be happy. He'll finally, he'll finally be happy with me. He gets a little email. Thank you for spending your money at Dick's. Like they'd ever say that.

I didn't know you could exchange rewards points for gas. Oh man, you want to check it out, man. I took my American espresso with Tilly's Irish view and we ran that thing for 70 G's. Gave him a kickback of 10. I took that 60 G's, man. I went to New York City and got myself some black brown sugar. You know what I'm saying? I heated that stuff up.

Next thing you know, we had some spoonful, baby. I don't know what you know about Ike Turner, but we got a fucking spoon full. Check it out. Has-Mac smoke chunky black. This is me after me after one energy drink. Yo man you want to check it out man. I took my American espresso with Tilly's Irish view and we ran that thing for 70 G's. Gave him a kickback energy drink. I don't know what you know about Ike Turner, but we got a fucking spoon Full check it out. Has Max mode chunky black Dude that's AI that's AI somebody went to chat GPT and they were like They just that's that's that's 60 words right there that don't have anything to do with The others right here. You know what I'm saying. I heated that stuff up next thing. You know, we had a spoonful, baby

I don't know what you know about a turnable. We got a fucking spoon Full check it out. Has Max mode chunky black Oh my god Oh My god me after a five-hour energy, I love you guys man broke boys forever Broke muds the best mud Just keep going dear diary. Hey my gym crush came up to me today Not a girl not Not a girl. My Jim Crush. Guy from Paris with the meanest tan in Hollywood. Came up to me at the gym. He goes, hey I have video

for you. Like oh god. I have video of you. I'm like this guy took a video of me. This is the guy I'm like, this guy took a video of me. This is the guy that gives me nicknames. First it was Iron Man, and he's given me like three more, and now my roommate, he nicknamed my roommate Killer Whale. Cause his eyes are blue. So flattering, actually. He goes, I have video of you.

I was like, let me see. Let me see. He already had it queued up, just walked over to him. It was already ready. Didn't have to load it. That's I mean, you appreciate a gay guy because they're on it. Prepared. Had it queued right when I said, let me see it in front of my face.

He presses play. Softest tap on the screen of all time. Just a video of a lion roaring. Three second video. Looks at me, that's you. Kind of loved it, kind of loved it, kind of loved it. I just, sometimes I can't help it, man. When I'm, when I'm, I'm so mad when I'm working out.

I've never been more, I'm mad 90% of the day But that but when I'm working out dude, I've never been more pissed off seven billion things going through my head. I Hate all of them do them. Sometimes I go. God damn it when I work out Has to average 80 every time so pissed. I'll be doing flies. Ah! Like every three minutes, dude, it sounds like somebody stepping on a thumbtack. God!

It's me. Calls me Lion King, cause I, cause I roar. How's that not cringe moment of the week? I don't know. Show and tell. Hey, had to had to had to had to absolutely had to. Remember these. Oh, stop. These these were the shocks.

The Vince Carters in these. I think these are coming back and I don't care if they aren't. Nike Shocks NZ. I just, there's something about these with the little, with the pillars on them. The all white. If you didn't buy these for your girlfriend

in high school, junior year, for Christmas. Who are you? I'd like the white Nike shocks every girl in high school and now I'm that girl I've grown up to be every girl in high school eBay $100 I'll do it every time Nike shocks NZ Top five shoe a good dude. That's V. This has to be number one school shoe number one school a behind a I Mean that one year Roshi runs were huge, but this right here Yeah, Roshi runs in this dude Nike shocks affordable

lit all the colors I Can't think of another shoe. I can't think of another school shoe. What's the number one school shoe? Nike shocks and see Coo-coo-coo cringe moment of the week All right at every single Show I have every single show that I headline I do this thing at the end Polite catcalling you guys know what it is, but like for the last like five minutes. I'll just polite catcall people So on stage for a while

So on stage for a while, just honestly looks like I'm dancing. Just dancing and singing for my birthday party for 40 minutes, and for the last five minutes, all catcall. And usually they're hidden. I'm doing some research in the crowd before I go up. I'm like, OK, she's right there. She could be a good one for that. Maybe that. Then I forget all of them and polite cat calling comes around at the end of the,

at the end of the show. And I'm like, here, here goes nothing. Hopefully you guys still like me and I'm going to get out of here in five minutes. Homies wearing the Minnesota Vikings bread far of Jersey, Ali express virgin. homies wearing the Minnesota Vikings bread far of Jersey. AliExpress version. How do you know? I do that if I've got one talent, two talents,

knowing when gunshots are in songs and knowing when jerseys are fake. There's just something with the numbers, the lettering, the NFL logo slightly tweaked. But he was rocking it. And at all my shows, dude, if you're wearing a jersey, you're in, everybody's in. If you come to my shows, I love you forever.

But if you're wearing a jersey, bread far of Jersey So I see him how my god I got a good one Breath I've lost the NFC championship at the Vikings number four purple Vikings So it's like what if you say Number four, purple Vikings. So it's like, what if you say, damn dog, you look like you never lost an NFC championship. Sounded like the hypest, most hyped cat call, dudes wearing a jersey, sitting around all bros,

like it's gonna be a moment. He might rip his jersey off, throw it to me, and we might swap. Like I might take my shirt off on stage Put this dude's Jersey like this type of like I had it in my head. I was like this is gonna be like that I ripped the catcall Dude looks at me like Guys laughing the whole show whole show just I'm like I love this I ripped the catcall to him. He's like Did no one in the crowd reacts

zeros zeros across the board LLLL and I literally was like okay, um I tensed Shook just moved on to the next person voice cracked Cringe moment of the week talked to him after I was like, what was that? He was like dude breath I've never Didn't win one and I was like that was Got hot on stage bro. Cringe moment of the week. Let's do days. Thursday today. National crawfish day.

I just don't know if I've never had one but I don't know if I'd like it or not. I watched this TikTok of this guy making crawfish for like an hour. Just couldn't stop. He had a whole, whole like boiler. He was throwing everything in there. It was like a bathtub full of vegetables, onions. Dude, you name it, he was throwing it in there. He probably poured like a gallon of gas in there.

Just whatever. Dude was like free for all. Throwing Spider-man action figures in there yeah yeah extension cord just throwing everything in there and when it came out like when the water was drained that shit looks so good corn on the cobs just spread everywhere around it. He just cracked it open so easy crab meat. The way people eat crab on the internet dude I am NOT I'm not against it. But there's something about the way I've seen a crawdad before and it's just covered in dirt. People are really mean. I don't know. Crawfish, crawdad, whatever. High five day.

Dude I missed a Dap up so bad at the gym today I just hugged him. Just hugged, just pulled him in close chest to chest and I was like please don't remember any of that. Remember this. I just tried to overwhelm him with a hug so he'd forget about the dab. Dude, the dab up was so bad. He held strong.

You know when somebody goes for this, open hand, like yo, let's clap it up, and your fist, and you're going in, and you're like, who's gonna change, who's gonna change, who's gonna change? Never changes, and they just end up doing that. I switch at the last second, so we like. We like we like cupped hands of so weird,

and then I just bailed and gave him a hug. I'm usually on my game, dude, that'll throw off your whole day. I'm always the guy that's like, you're doing query, do it real quick. Hi, Kude. I'm always the guy that's like, yo let's redo it, can we redo it real quick? Haiku Day. Probably the most confident I've ever been in anything in school was when the teacher was like, let's do haikus. I was like, thank God.

Oh my God. It's Haiku Day? Is it actually Haiku Day? Are you gonna switch it up on us like in two minutes? Do I love Haiku Day? Is it actually Haiku Day? Are you gonna switch it up on us in two minutes? Do I love Haiku Day at school? No thinking. Five words, seven words, five words. Doesn't have to rhyme, can be about whatever you want.

Actually, Homeboy that left that voice message about Ike Turner, that was just 35 Haikus. About Ike Turner, that was just 35 haikus. Brrrr brrr brrrr. I play football, yes. I love Pittsburgh Steelers, yes. I play football tonight, yes. That's every haiku I've ever ridden in my life. 100% every time. Only thing I ever got an A on every haiku. I've ever in my life 100% every time only thing I ever got an a on haiku day

Friday Animal crackers day Lord have mercy. Let's talk about something that's better stale animal crackers Let's talk about something that's better stale. Animal crackers? Remember, dude, it's just, animal crackers are something that are always going to be the same price. They're always dirt cheap. Animal crackers after school in the glass, in the glass jar, big jar, the cookie jar. We actually had one, straight glass, filled to the brim with animal crackers.

And how come when you get animal crackers, they give you 19,000 of them? Like you, well, if you buy animal crackers, the big bag, you got them till you're 28. They're not going anywhere. Even if they're staleale you're taking them out God, they're so you don't need to dip them. You don't need to in and honestly, oh, dude you get that Do you gird up some animal crackers gas?

top five girds just saying Gird gang, you know I'm talking about Only God you're disgusting. Gets a massive reflux in your life, baby. Dude, they're just, I love something. I love it. They're so plain. What a breath of fresh air animal crackers are. Break them in half. Give them to me.

Give them to me all. Hey, the bottom of the jar that has like a bunch of broken ones, you get to the bottom before you refill it. There's a bunch of like there's a bunch of animal cracker dust. You're drinking animal crackers. The ultimate this thing, you're thinking you dig it in the back of your mouth to like get the animal cracker between your teeth and your cheek All day, I'm still digging back there. I never even looked at what what animal they were honestly I

Know it was an elephant. I know it was one elephant, but I never looked just pop them It felt like unlimited Nothing can go wrong with animal crackers. Are they cinnamon? What flavor are they are they manila folder? Nobody's ever nobody ever talks about animal crackers you dipping them in milk How come they kind of taste like the brown cinnamon sugar pop tarts a little bit? What flavor are they plain no,'re like, there's something in there. That's my, that's my, hey, you ever have, it's always such a luxury

because you always have 3,000 of them. You ever let an animal cracker kind of like sit on your tongue a little bit? Kind of let it get soggy? Doing this, doing this a little too much. Are you sucking on an animal cracker? No. Swallows it immediately. So good. God.

God. I can eat 400. Have you ever have you ever been sick of animal crackers? I don't think so. Does anybody not like them? They got to be number one thing. Number one little dumb snack. Some, when you get them in that box then they're a little too much. I don't like animal crackers that come in the box that are like in a cage you know what I mean? They're like too cinnamony. I don't like animal crackers that come in the box that are like in a cage. You know what I mean? They're like to Cinnamony, I like those plain joints right from that big ass bag You know I'm talking about that big bag I Don't even know I've never seen never seen a bag that big about it's almost a cereal bag full animal crack God dang One after another dude four in your mouth two in your mouth three in your mouth forever

no harm done and then the frosted ones yo once you once you take out enough loans to buy the frosted animal crackers Live your life live your life. That's a song that plays when you open the end of frosted animal crackers live your sexy life Live your life live your life They're all stuck together. Oh my god. What is it about? What is it about some animal crackers that are all Deformed and stuck you get out you get four stuck together. No, the monkey in me. Oh I

Gotta eat I can't even save it for last Usually I like saving the best thing for last now now when I see four frosted animal crackers stuck together Caveman goes off my brain Survival Dude I get done eating one of those four animal crackers stuck together frosted my shoulders are hairy My forehead grows four inches All the sudden I'm making fire

Caveman instincts activated see four frosted animal crackers stuck together? BABY AHHHHH I'll punch you in the jaw if you try to take him from me I'm sorry. I'm not in control anymore OOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho Oh So good Saturday Garlic day God if my breath could Anytime I anything's garlic. I'm like watch out everybody my breath is already horrible

Can't smell it don't know, but I'm sure you can. My hand, this is disgusting, but we like disgusting. We're disgusting. We got to talk about it. You got to, you got to air it out. Literally need to hands and pack a suitcase. Hands smell like shh, just metal. Oh my god, what did I do? Where did I put them? How come I wash my hands, pack my suitcase, smell my hands, smells like I was holding 400 pennies? Where did my hands go? Did my hands just run off into a sewer and just come back on my hands? My hands smell like crap. All egg, gets on an A, washes his hands.

A, no, no, no, no. Takes a shower. Best shower of your life. Gets in an Uber, goes to the airport. Get out of the Uber. Oh my God. What, what, what, what? I touched one doorknob

Smells so bad my hands have never in at the worst times It's always when you're all buttoned up dressed up in a suit looking good hairs actually hitting beards hitting Cologne on oh my god my hands smell like trash my hands smell like garbage can Can you imagine what a fraud looking all good feeling all good? Haha? Yeah? Go to shake somebody's hand. Oh my god his hand smell like shit Every second of the day wash my hands blink hand smell why? You know else so you know what where am I putting my hands? They're down my pants right now

God you know this is this almost I almost don't want to say you know what you know it smells so bad I've been turning my head to sneeze and sometimes I sneeze on my shoulder and I give it a little dude, my sneezes smell like the grossest back of throat. Like like that's how like I smell my sneeze and I'm like, that's how my body smells. Like that's that's so so gross. The only word I can think of is foul I'm like oh that sounds like somebody died I Do do it just out of curiosity you know you like smelling your own like body shit you have to just see where we're at

It's just like the sneeze mist hits my shoulder. I smell it. I'm like, it smells like if you spit on a wall, if you spit on a wall in a public bathroom, leave, come back a year later and smell the same spot you spit. That's what my sneeze smells like. It's just exactly that. Oh God, what the hell? That's every time I sneeze. Oh my what? Sunday

Easter I need Easter to make a comeback. Can we rebrand? Can we do something? Can there be like an event on Easter? there's like they need to Like the XFL or something needs to have like the Super Bowl on these just like something I know there's nothing going on. But like can there be Celebrity deathmatch like bring something back Just please there's just nothing nothing Easter is such the night before school holiday. Where you're like, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh I got a I forgot my book at school on Easter You know here. I got those six questions due on Monday

I'm gonna have to like get to school early every time you get every time you're talking like that I gotta just get to school early do some homework never been more late Just always a weird like It's just always a weird like shaky vibe on Easter. It's always raining. Nobody's really ever happy. Easter, shut up. Everybody's so fake on the internet on Easter too. I think I might hate that the most.

Heather, I love my family. I love Jesus Christ. Look at my family. You hate them. You hate them. Dude, if you're posting like that on Easter, you at my family. You hate them. You hate them. Dude, if you're posting like that on Easter, you hate your family. We know.

The tornado sirens of I hate my husband is posting a picture of you and your husband on Easter at church. Hunty, time for our annual picture, hunty. I'll tell you what slept on Easter though, one of the bright spots. About time you say something positive. Okay, Ash, we know your fave holiday. I'm telling you something that hits a little different on Easter. It really does. And I know you're probably gonna be like, huh?

Candy's great, but sometimes the candy on Easter doesn't taste like the actual candy because it's mixed in with other candies. You know what I'm saying? You got a bunch of different candies in a basket, sometimes a Butterfinger. I'm like, why does this kind of different candies in a basket, sometimes a Butterfinger. I'm like, why does this kind of taste like Sour Patch Kids a little bit? You know what I mean? I'm like, God damn, all this candy's like

corrupted by other candies. This Reese's tastes like, like has hints of Skittles a little bit. I'm like, ugh, God. hints of skittles a little bit. I'm like, oh God, but you know, it never changes. The Easter bunny. That chocolate Easter bunny on Easter, there's something about just cracking at Easter bunny's ear in that thin shell.

It's like, it's like what you always wanted or what you always imagined the chocolate around the vanilla dipped cone would taste like. And it never does. But I'm like, that's what it should be. Just the chocolate Easter bunny's ears. Oh, it's so crispy, crunchy, fresh chocolate. It never gets washed by other candies.

It's just straight bunny. And it kinda stays intact for a long time. You can eat an Easter bunny in August and be like, still hidden. And those sometimes, people overlook chocolate Easter bunnies. And you'll mess around and have three chocolate Easter bunnies at your house Just kind of like because nobody was like do we eat those? They just kind of seemed like a big deal. So you're like, I don't even know should we eat. I don't know

Then all of a sudden you need some chocolate one night And three little bunnies are hopping around in your living room. The place no one ever goes. It's all dark. You might take a little bunny for a spin. Hop right on the living room couch. Take out all three of them. Who's gonna know?

Who's gonna, who's gonna, you know, who's gonna wake up and be like, where'd the three Easter bunnies go? Nope, we're trying to get rid of them. But it's sad throwing away chocolate bunnies. Who wants to do that? I would, I might tear up. Throwing away a chocolate bunny?

Unsolicited, unwarranted three chocolate bunnies in the trash? I'd be like wait wait wait hold on just a minute here If they suddenly just disappear they disappeared for a good reason hoppy Easter All right, then broke forever. Love you guys. I seriously can't wait to do this pod every single week. It's just like, finally we can just talk, you know what I mean? Finally. You just, we all understand. I feel like we all grew up together. Did we all play on the same soccer team when we were 10 or something? What? I love that feeling. It's going to keep getting better. It's going to keep growing. We're pumping out clippies.

We're doing our thing. Love you so much, fam. Keep leaving voice messages. I'll keep. We're going to keep the questions coming. Got got some good ones in the clip. Join the Patreon for the live stream and every other podcast, grab some merch, come to a show.

Comment something stupid on a clip, you know? It all means a lot. Love you guys for real. See you next time.