Espresso - the dumbest thing your pet did

Episode Date: March 30, 2023

On this episode benny reacts to the most dumbest, funniest, and wildest thing that your pet did (like ripping farts like little trumpets)🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡𝗘𝗗𝗜𝗖𝗧'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦Albany, NY Thurs 4/6 https://albany.funnybone.com/ShowDeta...Tampa, FL Thurs 4/27 https://improvtampa.com/ShowDetails/d...Boston, MA Thurs 5/4 https://wl.seetickets.us/event/Benedict-Polizzi-800pm/532615?afflky=LaughBostonSupport Benny (get an extra episode and LIVE STREAM every Sunday!)🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedictLeave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 

Dude, dogs like nothing more than just getting blasted in the face with fucking a jet propeller of wind. I just want to put a dog in front of a jet propeller and see what it is. Probably like happiest day of his life, dude. I'm like, bro, you don't have eyeballs or what? Upcoming standup comedy shows, Albany,il 6th that's next week next thursday tampa florida april 27th that's in four weeks boston massachusetts may 4th that's in five weeks get your tics in the description of the podcast'm your host, Benedict Polizzi. Yo, let's talk. Remember to join the Patreon, $5 a month for an extra episode every single week. And we live stream on Sundays. So check it out. We're talking about fucking everything on that shit. $5 a month. Join. It's fun.

Um, let's espresso question of the week. What's the dumbest thing your pet has ever done? God damn it. Everything they do is so stupid, but it's just them, you know? God damn. My dog. Okay. My dog was like, it was at the end of the road for old Junie boy. You know how you have a nickname for your pet, but, uh, my pet's name is junior. My pet, my pet, bro. My dog's name was junior. And he, dude, he had that dog in him for sure. But, uh, like low key, we we like we like took the dog out of him because we wanted him to have manners and shit like that but uh he had that dog in him a little bit it did just naturally like but we were like we do we never we were like bro you can't bark like anytime

he barked we're like hey dude he got the point quick we didn't even give him human food till he was like eight bro that's a long time that's like in dog years that's like fucking bro he was driving around and shit you know he had his license and we still weren't giving him food we're like don't give him any food then or he'll get addicted so we're just don't give him any don't let him eat others so he wasn't begging and he wasn't barking the two bees junie boy wasn't even fucking doing them dude so my dog had the best manners ever we brought him around my dad one time my dad's like super anti-dog you know you know a lot of dads are like oh fuck yeah it's just a waste of money yeah it's just like a baby that never grows up if it can't work for me i don't want it you know

bro but we we brought we brought junior around my dad and my dad was like yeah if my dad thinks something's okay bro i could have a girlfriend for like 10 years my dad would be like you know so you guys go outside or something you know what i mean like he'd be like what's her name until like we got married even after that he'd be like what the fuck is her name for some reason bro my my dog juni and my dad just vibed hard dude like my dad like wasn't really giving in but he was like yes it's low-key i guess my boy type shit like he was proud dude because juni was fucking well behaved he was a soldier nope never went in the kitchen dude if my dog caught if my dog was in i hate it when dogs are around tables i because not because i mean yeah it's annoying but i feel bad i'm like this

motherfucker just wants to eat and how bad do you just want to scrape a plate off on the ground for a dog? Oh, I just want to see how much dogs will eat sometimes. You know, I just want to fucking throw a rotisserie chicken out in the backyard and see if the dog just eats it, eat like a whole thing. But yeah, bro, my dog got like deaf and blind and he was barking one time like because he he was fucking out of it dude he's out of the game and he was barking one time he's like looking like in the corner of my fucking house and he was like he couldn't hear himself damn if he heard himself he'd be so like he'd, he'd be so like, he'd be like, I can't believe I sounded like that.

My dog sounded good when he was young. He had that sharp bark, you know, he's like, but it was low key. Like if he needed your attention, he wouldn't like bark, bark, like annoying. Hey dude, I'm right here. He'd be like, he knew sounds and he'd be like, and he'd be like, oh, but he kind be like and he'd be like oh but he kind of

sounded like Rick Ross like if he needed some food and you're like close or he need to go outside he'd be like oh you're like you're by the door and he kind of has to pee but he doesn't really want to bother you he's like oh then he'll go outside and he needs to get let back in you're like doing something in the kitchen he'll just be at the door and he'll be like rosé rosé and he'd be like oh shit but like he got he got deaf and he couldn't hear himself so he sounded like the cookie crisp dog he sounded literally like for a minute i was like is there a fucking chicken in here you sound like a chicken it's the weirdest shit my dog's ever done what about you what's the dumbest weirdest wildest shit your pet's ever done it's here bro my dog she's about 30 pounds so she's on the smaller side

my girlfriend's dog yeah that's that's right, mom. Straight. Is a great Pyrenees, so he's huge. Well, recently, my dog has been trying to fuck him. She just gets behind him and she starts humping. I mean, that's not how their sex works. In fact, their parts don't work. Sorry if that's a sore spot.

And he basically just takes it. Hey, anything for some tail. Sky. So the girl tries to hump the dude. That's so weird.

That's so horny, dude. My boy, just lay it down one time. Get off your back, bro. Just lay it down once. He's just waiting for the like the right opportunity. So the girl is humping the guy. How does the girl know how to hump? Is that a thing?

My boy just needs to lay some pipe real quick. My dog. Yeah, that's right. Mom. Great Pyrenees. So he's huge. Well, recently my dog has been trying to fuck him oh is it a dude humping a dude my dog she's about 30 girl humping a dude wow how about my my the dog in that relationship just playing it cool like yo yo you know yeah we'll see when when it's the right time love that love that for that

dog bro just the composure on his ass because dogs are so fucking horny i hate it when dogs hump like just like in the backyard i'm like guys i know you're dogs but like wait till no one's around you fucking weirdo how about when dogs are just humping everything i'm like bro get a will you jack off god dude go upstairs jack off and come back downstairs and let's fucking resume our normal life you're too horny i hate it when dogs are too horny bro oh my god so unattractive just imagine having somebody over your house and your dog starts fucking humping them hey stop hey come on rufus rufus most dog name ever is anything else named rufus besides a dog come on oh don't mind him he's just horny as fuck so weird train your dog dude

i hate when dogs are like all fucking sketched out and horny and barking. I'm like, bro, this is just like a, this is a wild African dog in your house. I'm like, bro, just fucking shit. I don't want to be here anymore. Let's keep going. Props to to my dog though just my dog for real he's got that dog in him he is okay he survived the trauma oh shit shit shit shit shit hi benedict the worst thing my dog has ever done is fucking eat a whole box of valentine's day chocolate and shit everywhere in my fucking room i love that dumb ass dog i love this shit bro but why the fuck he had to do that hello he is okay he survived

the trauma but why the fuck he had to do that who let him surely not me dude i love a collab voice message and two people are just gathered around a phone like it's a prank call or some shit like that. Yeah, man. I just want to see how much would dogs really eat? Would they eat themselves sick? I guess they do all the time.

But if I just had a room full of fried chicken, would a dog just eat the whole room? That's all I want to know. Like that's the shit I want to know when I die. Would a dog eat all this shit? You know, you're just at a cook. What if you had a cookout and just lowered all the tables and you're like, let's see, let's see how much damage you could do. Would he die? The fact that dogs can't eat chocolate chocolate i kind of feel like that's fake

like the best thing on earth they can't eat but everything else is free game like why chocolate it seems like it'd be something weird like fucking pumpkin or something like that dude i love how dogs just destroy everything and like its container. Dude, I was at my friend's house one time and their dog just fucking destroyed some vanilla wafers. The whole box, fresh, dude. Fucking, it wasn't even open. Ate the box and the bag. I'm like, you're a savage, Rufus.

Maggie. Maggie, you're a fucking savage. The hole in the box. Like how hungry was this bitch? It blows my mind. All that Valentine's chocolate though. It's crazy that dogs can eat chocolate. And you know, you know, when they're eating it, they're like, this shit is bomb. I want to know a dog's like, like like rate like scale for like what's really fire and what's not dogs love peanut butter that's probably up there what's like the number one thing dogs want to just tear up though you know like is a dog into p i hate it when dogs are so bougie when it comes to food too you ever give a dog a grape and it's like no you're like fuck off bro a piece of dude you ever give a piece of celery

and it just puts it in his mouth and then leaves on the floor and walks away you're like fuck you dude i'm just out here trying to make you healthy i'm helping you and this is that you just leave your slobbery celery on the ground like give it a chance right when you bring out anything else right when you bring out anything else right when you bring out anything that smells decent i'm like what about fucking five minutes ago and i tried to like give you some greens give you some vitamins dogs are so bougie bro so bougie when it comes to food how about not how about like i when dogs don't know what to do with ice cubes and shit i'm like dude eat it like you tear through a vanilla wafer box

probably dogs will not pierce a grape with their teeth the amount of grapes i try to get my fucking dog bro i probably tried to give my dog 559 grapes he didn't he didn't take one of them bro and i probably ate all those you know when your dog doesn't eat some shit you're fine i will yeah oh shit i swear i'll eat some dog food too it's weird though i ate like a there's a this is so fucked up but there's like a bar i went to you can like bring your dog and they had like free dog treats and i was like all right let's see what this is all about because sometimes dog treats slap you know what i mean you know what i mean don't think i'm weird bro dog treats are just big fucking cookies and shit but i tried one and uh it made my breath smell like a dog and it was i don't think i'll ever do

it again honestly that was like my uh oh shit moment i was like i can't think I'll ever do it again. Honestly, that was like my, uh, Oh shit moment. I was like, I can't like my, my breasts might still smell like a fuck, like air bud, you know, when a dog like gets all up in your face and you're like, Oh dog breath. Like it's not bad, but it's just like, it's like real dry. That was my, that's still my breath. You guys want to kiss? That's still my breath. You guys want to kiss? Let's keep going. All right. So my dog decided one day when I was driving home from Fort Wayne,

we had stopped in Fishers to get gas and probably go to the bathroom. And we were back on the interstate 69 South. And she decides that she is going to climb out the window the window is like halfway down so she gets herself stuck in the window i have to put the car in park in the middle of the road walk around to the passenger side in the back door pull her out the window and then open the door throw her back inside and then run around to the driver's side and roll up the window as fast as i can so she doesn't try to do it again literally in the middle of fishers it was probably rush hour everyone was busy and i think i gave the people behind me a good laugh i hope oh yeah dude i would i would pay so much that's that's the

shit i want to see fuck tv shows i just want to see somebody like have to save their dog from jumping out of the window at a red light oh you got 10 seconds that's like so that's like a game show like a real game real life game show that might be a video idea i gotta write this down before i fucking forget don't let your dog jump out of the window at this red light ready go okay horrible video but you get it yeah man dude every time i see a dog in a car i'm just like how's he not jumping out how about dogs in like the truck bed i'm like dude just go forever go how easy would it be for a dog to just hop out of the truck and never be seen again i'm always wondering what's up with dogs and their their big stupid heads always out of the truck and never be seen again. I'm always wondering what's up with dogs and their,

their, their big stupid heads always out of the window. Doesn't that like, you ever try to do that? I know you have. Cause I definitely have when like a window's down and someone's driving and you just pop your whole head out the side, dude, it like hurts your face. Dogs are just taking that wind every time. i'm like oh god damn i can't see and then i'm like my contacts are gonna flip out of my eyes and shit dude dogs like nothing more than just getting blasted in the face with fucking a jet propeller of wind i just want to put a dog in front of a jet propeller and see what it's probably like happiest day of his life dude i'm like how bro you don't have eyeballs or what dogs and cars man how they not how they not just dipping it's all i want to know

it's all i want to know let's keep going my cat weighs herself every morning she goes and stands on the scale, like all four feet, and weighs herself every single morning. She is 13 pounds, by the way. Dude, that is the stupidest, funniest shit. The way cats are just, the way they pick the best spots, I'm so jealous of. I'm so jealous of. I'm super jealous of cats because they look cool.

They're fucking predators. They pick the best spots. And of course a cat weighs itself. It honestly doesn't shock me. And it probably knows. It's probably like, oh, I need to like lay off the fucking meow mix. Bessie's getting a little hefty. I hate fat cats,

but they're still like good on their feet. They're good with their hands. I'm jealous of cats. They can destroy you. It's just, they're honestly perfect. They're so perfect. I can't even,

I don't like them. I'll talk shit too. I'll talk shit about cats, but deep this because I love them. I'll talk shit, too. I'll talk shit about cats, but deep this because I love them. But, man, dude, just a cat weighing itself with its tail like. 13 pounds. Meow. Every morning routine, I love the way cats stand on shit,

and they take up like zero surface area. You're like, yes. So it's so, like, satisfying. Like when a cat's, like, in a box, you're just like, how area you're like yes so it's so like satisfying like when a cat's like in a box you're just like how do you know how do you know that that is so lit like you know how bad i want to just get in a box and like you know like they're always like up up they're always like where a sniper would be i'm like yeah if i was a cat i'd be there too so i don't blame you on top of the fridge in a crate like backed in fucking with pure like vision i'm like you got the best seat in the house you lucky bitch they're always crawling in the best spots i'm like i don't even get up there

of course it weighed itself dude of course it did it'll never be a gram over its weight either because cats know cats know they stay in shape god they're so they're so on their shit dude it's it's almost disgusting how much cats are on their cat should run america dude if a cat ran america nobody would be fucking with us can you imagine a cat like in the oval office i'd be like oh shit if i saw a white president in the oval office i'd be like what's up bro what's your name again if i saw a cat in the oval office i'd be like what do i say literally what do i say to this cat?

Like, it's going to, I can't. I can't go in there. I got to leave. I'd bitch out. I'd fucking chicken out, bro, if I saw a cat behind a desk. How much more does it know than you? Every time I see a cat, I'm like, it knows so much fucking more than me. Sucks.

If it was me and a cat and you were like five times six, the cat would be like 30 and I'd be like, uh, yeah, 30. Dude, cats know long division for sure. They know everything. Let's keep going. All right. This is pretty gross, but one morning I got home, hungover as hell, and was laying in bed. And I ended up needing to throw up. Couldn't make it to the bathroom, so I just went ahead and threw up on my carpet. When I got back from getting stuff to clean it with, it was gone, and my dog ate it. Then I had to throw up again, and I just kind of did it on the carpet again.

Oh my God, dude. And I literally sat there watching my dog eat my fucking throw up. It was disgusting. But I just let it happen. Yeah, that's how you know dogs are really about it. That's when the flip switches in your head and you're like, oh, you're about that life. Like when you have a dog in your life,

it's kind of a bitch. And then you throw up and it eats it. You're like, all right, bro. Respect, new level. I got your back next time. That's how you know your dog is like down to ride with you. Your dog's a down ass homie

if he's eating your throw up and shit dog your dog's a down ass homie if he's eating your throw up and shit dude like that's that's real that's real homie hey you and your dog after he eats your throw up oh you just ate you just ate my throw up rufus yo come here bro you give him that pat on the ribs too that and he's like word not only did you help me, but now you're drunk because I had 15 Jaeger bombs last night. So enjoy that, Roofie. Dude, dogs are so about it. They'll literally, name one friend that will eat your throw up. Is your girl eating your throw up?

If you needed to kill someone and bury their body, your friends are not. No. Maybe you got one weird friend that's like super like super psycho and in. But the person that's doing the dirty work is your boy Rufus. He's doing it, dude. He's a down ass homie. He will do anything for you. He'll eat your throw up and be like, and after he eats the pile of throw up, he's like, yo, what's up? Is that all you got, dog?

He's calling you dog now. You're like, damn, it's like that. Dogs are about it. I used to like kind of throw up all the time. Like not on some weird like body dysmorphia shit, but like when I was a kid, like I'd eat a lot and then I'd play outside like immediately after. And I don't know what happened.

I think I have like extreme acid reflux, still have it to this day. But I just don't play outside like I used to. What if I did? What if I just went outside and like played football by myself all day? I'd be so fucked up just throwing the football up to myself like juking out nobody doing spin moves and shit celebrating in the end zone doing the dirty bird just in just in someone's backyard. They're like bro that guy

but I used to do that shit like fat like hard bro i used to i used to play play like outside hard hard after i ate and i'd like i like throw up a little bit and shit one time i was at my aunt's and she has a dog and i was just playing football by myself in the backyard or maybe i was just imaginary like pretending I was in the X-Men or something, you know, shit like that. Like maybe I was a night crawler for like an hour doing all this shit. And I was kind of like, I think I threw up like some ice cream or some ice cream and steak, whatever we had.

And here comes here comes old Jakey, Jakey poo. I'm like, he's eating my throw up right now. But in the back of my head, I was like, I mean, I don't blame him. I just had like a fire ass meal. Like, bro, if you're throwing up, you want to throw up ice cream. And the dog's just eating the ice cream I just had.

I'm like, yeah, that's not a bad deal for you, bro. Low key, like you're kind of that's kind of a score jake dog's name jake like you're kind of you're kind of getting it in because you know when you when you kind of like throw up ice cream you're like oh fuck like i kind of eat ice cream just so i can throw it up a little bit later because it's just you're just eating ice cream twice you ever throw up like something and you're like you know that was not too bad you ever throw up like peanut butter and jelly and you're like like i might fuck around and put my finger down my throat where's the rest

where's that other half Where's that other half? Where's that other triangle? Yeah, man. Throwing up PB&J, throwing up ice cream. And your dog eats it. Imagine making a peanut butter and jelly, throwing it up in the backyard. Your dog eats it. Sounds like a win-win to me.

You both had a piece of the pie. Fucking, there you go that's teamwork oh shit oh no did my voice messages get all fucked up this sucks okay we're just gonna do this we're gonna go way. So the wildest thing my pet has ever done, he used to have a giant German Shepherd before he passed, R.I.P. Marbles, what a freaking shitty name for a big dog that is. Anywho, this dog would legitimately, like, go in the backyard, chase any stray cats that were there, kill them, rip the tail off, and bring it inside and drop it on the living room floor.

So that's pretty wild, I guess. on the living room floor so that's that's pretty wild i guess but hey man that's about it that guy's voice he's always like in a airplane hangar and he always has the best voice ever the day we get this guy in a like noise canceling room is the day like he gets a voiceover deal for a cartoon or something because that guy's voice is magnificent he's got the perfect amount of rasp kind of sounds like you just drank a little bit of milk so it's got that bubble in there you know you know after you drink like way too much milk and you like say something to somebody you sound like you're like weird cousin you're like wait what i love that you're the only person that somebody, you sound like your weird cousin. You're like, wait, what?

I love that. You're the only person that knows, but you're like, I hope no one just heard me. You're like, so I was outside. And then you got to change it back to normal. After like four words in your head, the back of your head, you're like, I wonder if they know

that I just had milk throat. No? Okay, good. We're going to keep going. That's so funny. Oh, milk throat. My tongue touches milk. Three, two, one. Oh, what's up? Why does it have to do that? It's only milk. Nothing else but milk. But he has that. He has that.

Bro, your dog was killing cats? When dogs kill cats, that's... That's crazy. What kind of dog? A German Shepherd? I guess those are just wolves. Wolves?

Wolves. I guess those are just wolves. German Shepherds are scary, dude. They are. Their ears are up all the time. I'm like, yo, will you just chill? You're too alert. Every German Shepherd.

I'm like, yo, bro, just fucking, just give me some floppy ear action for a little bit and lay down in the sun on that sun spot on the carpet because you're like you're you're it's they're always looking for like a uh fucking bobsled or like they're always looking for a sled team I'm like dude just they're not it's summer and we're in Indiana you're not you're not going down the appellation today husky boy they're too ready for snow i'm like god damn huskies are oh that's a husky fuck i'm fucking up i'm fucking up my dog reads with german shepherds are just big ass what's a german shepherd look like you guys are like oh my god you don't know but like i don't

i just typed in sherman shepherd too so it didn't help it would just kill cats and rip its oh german shepherds are i wouldn't i wouldn't want to see a german shepherd like late at night i really wouldn't those dogs those dogs are like commander like that dog could command an army and it'd be the best army ever it would find osama bin laden it would have found osama bin laden on 9 12 if a german shepherd was leading the troops imagine a german shepherd with like an army hat on, you'd be like, yeah, I'll join. No, I don't care what branch. Yeah. I'm just, I want to, I want to be on his unit. Yeah. Yeah. Right now I'll go. Right. All right. Yeah. I'm going. I'm, I'm in the army. If a German shepherd's

bossing me around, I'd be like, yes, sir. Holy fuck. Let's do it. Just kills anyone. Just kills like the exact target you're looking for. No training. How'd you kill him? I'm like,

our commander in chief. German shepherds like never really like they they just mean business dude even when their tongues out you're like oh shit it's like it's not like it's not it's not like happy go lucky dog it's like it's always on a mission like it's tongues out like for business it's not out because it's fucking locked in like it's using its tongue to like sense shit and you're like respect bro it was ripping cats tails off bro that's a that's an army dog that's an army dog let's keep going alright the dumbest thing my dog would do is I would take her out at like midnight and she always did this

when it was late and I had to work in the morning but I would take her out and she would take a shit and then she would get excited and slip in her own shit at like 1.30 in the morning. I'm like, what are we doing here?

Then I had to clean shit off of my dog at like 2.30 in the morning. There's more. By the way, she was an English Mastiff, so she took just massive dumps. And they smelled. Yeah, man. That hurts to hear. Dogs taking just huge shits is just the weirdest thing.

You ever see just shit on the sidewalk or something? And you're like, that had to be from me or something. Did I sleepwalk? Because, damn. I hate when dogs shit and the owners just watch them. They're like, I'm like, bro. Give it a fucking minute dog just shitting all weird weird stance you ever see a dog shit from the back i'm like dude go behind a fence like but the owner is like can you at least get on your phone the owner's like

is like, can you at least get on your phone? The owner's like, yeah. Always staring right at it shitting. I'm like, dude, I saw a couple and they weren't even talking. They're just both watching their dog shit. Yeah. Dude, I saw a couple and they weren't even talking. They're just both watching their dog shit. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right, let's go. I was like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys, man? If I was a dog, I'd be like, will you fuck off for a second? Jesus Christ, I can't even shit? Will you fuck?

Look, I'm not going to gonna run away i'm shitting it's so weird to me but yeah just cleaning up dog oh when you get dog shit on your shoe it's so it's such like a that's dog shit you know there's not one second where you're like it could be something else you just that's dog shit damn it all right one sec you ever dude just the amount of time i've spent in my life cleaning dog shit off of my shoe that's like gold why is dog shit like gold and it's with a wood chip like from a playground just carving in between like the tread on the bottom of my shoe with a wood chip and me looking at the wood

chip with like a bunch of dog shit on it throwing away getting another one that's like sharp at the edge just cleaning my shoe like that then banging it against the pavement and it's still smelling like complete shit it kind of ruins your shoes dude like you kind of never get that you never get that smell off you're just like, it's dark. Hold up. I got wood chips. Yeah, I'll be by the wood chips for at least 13 minutes.

Go. Dude, my voice messages are so fucked up. Hold on. Something happened, dude. I got like disconnected from the internet oh here we go okay i saw you updated the prompt weirdest or dumbest thing our pet has ever done so we had a dog uh his name is simba he was this big golden um i think he was an irish setter golden retriever anyway it was northern indiana tornado warning going on it's absolutely pouring

rain he um got out of our back door thinking it was time to play and he went out in the backyard running all over hiding behind bushes like it is i could not see it was raining so hard and he thought we were playing he was so stoked to be outside sirens are going off and we did eventually get him inside but yeah that was probably the dumbest thing he's ever done yo that you know sometimes you just gotta let dogs dog you know what i mean like sometimes it's like dude just let him let what was his name just let him, what was his name? Simba. Let Simba be Simba, bro. Yimmy yaw, yimmy, yimmy, baba. Yimmy yaw, yimmy, yimmy, baba. All the rain coming down, sirens. You know how much fun that dog was having? Oh, and that dog's head, it's's like it's fucking party time

oh it's a circle of rain's coming down it's a fucking rave for that dog. Yimmy, yi, yimmy, yimmy, baba. Yimmy, yi, yimmy, yimmy, baba. Yimmy, yi, yimmy, yimmy, baba. Yimmy, yi, yimmy, yimmy. Simba, you must look to the future. Yimmy, yi, yimmy, yimmy, baba.

Yimmy, yi, yimmy, yimmy, baba. Dude, just going, just running around in the rain, bro. When dogs like snap out of it and start being dogs after they're like in the house for way too long i love it like whenever i see a video of a dog just rolling around in a big mud puddle i'm like yeah like in public i'll just be on my phone like in a doctor's office waiting room i'm like yes fuck yeah he's beat himself he loves the mud oh shit i'm so sorry dude sometimes you gotta let i would not chase my dog in that situation i'd be like yeah go fuck it simba go go roam go roam but just don't get caught up in a bunch of antelopes dude because they will trample you and your dad just letting you know i wouldn't nail i wouldn't be able to name my dog simba either it seems too sad every time i watch lion king i'm like i text

my dad i'm like i love you give me all you me me baba let's keep going one time my goat ass dog no he just didn't do it he left it here we go so weird and kind of funny thing that my dog tater does is he'll look outside because he can see the dog park from the window and whenever his friends are outside, he gets so excited. He starts like ripping farts and it's just like a little trumpet. And it's like, and they kind of smell like corn chips sometimes. But other than that, that lets me know he wants to go outside. So he just starts ripping them until I let him out to play with his friends. I don't know if I like that. Dogs farting is like...

I know you're a dog, dude, but like... It's such an eye roll. It's like you would, you know? You would. Actually, it's not bad because dogs should be farting like a million times more but they're kind of not they're kind of keep it they kind of keep it low-key dog like god when god made dogs he was like let's turn let's say the farts let's let's make them at

like 10 humans 100 but dogs like they're to be best friends. I already know that. So let's, one of them can fart a lot. One, they'll just turn down the farts. Because, I mean, that'd be crazy if both of them are. How about, what if we were like that when we saw our friends? See your homie at the eat at a restaurant. Dude. I got to go say something. My dog, my dog over there, Brian, I gotta go say what's up.

I gotta go say what's up to him. Your girlfriend's at the table. She's like, just go. Oh my God. Wait, is that Cynthia? Hey, Cynthia! Just a sec. Dude.

Somebody kill me. The weirdest thing my pet ever did. So I grew up in a really rural part of upstate New York. And my school, my elementary school was pretty far from my house. But somehow when I was in elementary school, my dog would chase me or follow my scent, I don't know, and end up at my elementary school. Oh, that's lit. Somehow get in the school, come to my classroom and find me. This didn't just happen like one time, this happened multiple times where my dog would be like running around the school in the cafeteria like everybody knew my

dog's name um but I guess if I ever got kidnapped that dog would find me but it was insane I'd have to get like called out of class to like come get my dog that is it's pretty impressive actually. So funny. You're so, you're ever like so boys with your dog that it comes to rescue you from school? I would be devastated when my dog died. If me and my dog were close like that. You know how bad you don't want to be at school and all of a sudden your dog walks in the

cafeteria and says, what's up to you? I'd be like, oh, fuck. Yeah, dude. What's good? You came all the way here. Oh shit. Just to say what's up. Come here, bro. Oh, fuck. Yeah. You got to get home though. Cause I'm fucked. If they see they see us like you know dapping up and shit like dude i'm gonna be in trouble so get the fuck back home you're already my mom's already mad at you too mom's mad yeah yeah go go dude dogs remember that t oh that one time at you when you were in fourth grade and a dog came into your school unannounced the most chaotic moment of your life what's the most traumatizing thing that's ever happened to you what's the most what's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you when a dog walked in our

school unannounced and just visited every classroom how crazy is that for the dog just just people oh my god just food smell people oh my god that dog that's probably dog heaven loki how about a dog invading your school oh my god bro the time that i will never everybody remembers where they were what exactly what they were eating what they were doing when the first time a dog came into their school bro that shit was amazing i don't know if i'd be able to claim my dog i'd kind of be like oh fuck everybody knows it's my dog could get over here junior let's keep going so the one weird thing my pet would do i had a rabbit when i was 14

and he had his own room that he would like run around in and if you were sitting on the floor when he was trying to like run by you he would if you didn't move when he bit you or nudged you he would run around in circles and sling his pee onto your face until you got up and got out the way he did that to me during prayer one day me at least to say when that rabbit died, I wasn't the maddest. I thought I was going to get like a nasty taha fuck after that. But I've always wanted to

just how bad do you just want a bunny, you know? If somebody came up to me on the street and they're like, yo, you want a bunny? I'd probably be like, yeah. Having a rabbit for a pet is so rare. That's like some, that's some gangster shit. What's your pet? Oh, you got a fish.

That's okay, yeah. You got a dog. Yeah, everybody has a dog. You got a cat. Oh, all right, cool. That's cool. Oh, you got a bunny? It's so dope when people have bunnies like you just have a bunny there's always like that one person in your neighborhood that had

a bunny and it was big as fuck dude that bunny pet bunnies are big as fuck i don't even know if they know they're bunnies you know you ever see your neighbor's pet bunny and you're like, is that even a bunny anymore? Or is that just like a different dog? You like don't know what to do. You're like, you don't know. You know, you don't know what noise to make with like different animals. You're like, does it?

Does it? Will it? You're like, I don't have any carrots like on hand i don't i think the only thing bunnies eat is carrots that is insane bro hold on a sec my my voice message i hate this so much i'm so sorry hold up come on I hate this so much. I'm so sorry. Hold up. Come on. Oh, this sucks. Here we go.

My dog Jill does this thing where she will lay down, look at me, and then take her head straight back, rest the top of her skull on her spine, and just roll her head back and forth back and forth and only snaps out of it really when you call her she can stay in that transfer i'd say she can probably stay in there for hours dude i think your dog might have sleep paralysis because that's exactly what i do dude when i have sleep paralysis and there's a fucking demon in the corner of my room every night, I tilt my head back and roll it back and forth. And I'm like, this is the only way I'm going to snap out of this shit.

Yeah, dude, your dog is seeing demons, bro. Your dog's haunted. Haunted dog, bro. Holy shit. Oldest trick in the book. Your dog has sleep paralysis. Couple more. Let's keep going.

Oh, there's so many. Hold on. This is annoying. Sorry. Oh, not that one. All right. I do have one other story about my dog so we used to live in an area that was pretty uh heavy with wildlife and one night i'm taking her outside trying to close the door the front door behind me she has a retractable leash uh so all i feel is her take off on the leash and then i hear a loud squeal no and i look over at her and she's caught a rabbit in her mouth and she's shaking it

to death and choking the poor thing out and i'm just yelling at her like put it down put the rabbit down and she's looking at me like what i haven't done anything this is my thing this is what i do needless to say that was not a fun burial trying to take care of that rabbit she thought it was fun but i didn't no dude i'd be team rabbit i think rabbits are like precious creatures did the best year of my life when it was year of the rabbit. Remember that? Remember that year? Every year it's like a weird,

it's like year of the dragon. You're like, oh shit, that's cool. One year it was year of the rabbit and I was like, this one's for me. Rabbits are, dude, they're so fucking quick. They're nice. They're polite. They're out of there, bro. They're gone.

It's like every time you see a rabbit, it's a treat you're like oh oh my god bunnies you know i still say bunnies because it's just i love the word bunnies bro oh don't get me started i feel like you need to be in the army or something to say rabbit but uh when you see like a gang what i think it's called dude i think a gang of bunnies is called a fluffle is there anything that makes more sense in my entire life than a gang of bunnies being called a fluffle there's a bunch of other ones that make so much sense whoever named the groups of animals come here fluffle dude a bunch of crows is called a murder of crows. Who is this guy?

Who's the guy that just named all the groups? A bunch of lions? A pride? How's he know? How's he know everything before we do? Dude, school of fish? That one is a little out there, but I don't don't fish seem so smart now my dog my dude is branding different animal groups a pack of dogs oh how fucking just how how street does that sound?

Yeah, brother. There's a pack of dogs down there. Just like they're just like a pack. A pack. I know there's another one, dude. I wonder what like but a fluffle of bunnies. Anytime you see a fluffle of bunnies, you're a herd, bro. This guy knows what he's doing. this guy knows what he's doing this guy knows what he's doing anytime you see like three bunnies it's like a thing dude

everybody runs to the window even if you're like the the most even if you're like the head football coach of like the uh the army navy football team you go to the window and you do this oh yeah was there sweat on my ass but uh dude nobody's missing a bunny in the backyard that's crazy your dog was just tearing that bunny up the way i would smack my dog in the back of the head and be like, you never do that again. If there's one thing we don't mess up, it's bunnies. All right, bro. Then we dap up.

I love shaking hands with dogs. Isn't that crazy that they like, no? It's like, you're like, bet. We don't fuck with bunnies. All right. Anything else, free game. But bunnies, We're homies. That's it, bro.

That's it. I just want to... I know... Gangs of animals. I just want to name like two more. Because this is the game I love. This type of shit bro ants a colony

chickens uh parrots a pandemonium dude this has got to be fake a bunch of parrots is called a pandemonium a bunch of hippos is called thunder this is like these are fucking these are like teams alright bro we gotta end on that one cause that shit is too gang and I think uh hold on I gotta keep going bees a swarm shut up shut up gang and I think hold on. I gotta keep going.

Bees a swarm. Shut up. Shut up. Cobras is a quiver of this is so this can't be real. Giraffes a bunch of giraffes is called a tower. I'm out. I'm out. Hyenas is called a cackle shut up all right yo that's it espresso podcast shot he forgot he forgot 256 thanks for listening guys i love you so much join the patreon grab some merch get some tickets the show's coming up. Albany, Tampa, Boston. See you soon, babe.

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