Espresso - the fart queen

Episode Date: March 3, 2022

👕 🔥 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 𝗜𝗦 𝗛𝗘𝗥𝗘!🔥 🧢 ↓ buy some shit ;) influencedby.co/collections/ben-polizzi 🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) espresso vault 👀 this week we rerelease a very ADHD pod from from early spress days, ben talks about being called a skank for wearing whitey tighties, remembers a girl he hung out with that thought farts were WAY too funny, he proves he can hold his breath the longest on the planet and describes what it was like using 1 spoon in a house of 5 guys 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Just hit a button Morty, give me a beat! Oh man, okay, alright, um... Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sound like chris pratt low-key star lord because i'm a star lord i thought the beat was gonna be way better we'll see though whatever what's up? Shot 108. It's shot 108. And I remembered not to fade down the music all the way. What's up, man?

This is good. This is good. Got a pretty good YouTube response from the shot last week. we're still it's not an apple podcast still we're just we're kind of messing with that but it's just we're just gonna chill on youtube for a little bit till we get it all figured out on spotify and all that stuff so just just it's it's all good it's all good i'm sick of music man forget this i'm sick of music you ever like you ever like listen to so much music over a period of time you're just like

I need like three days just nothing people make fun of like people like that that drive with no music on I think that's the best you probably

like don't even listen to music in your car literally yep I do sometimes but sometimes it's just too hype driving in complete silence on like a sunday night like you can't listen to like past like 5 p.m on sundays you can't listen to music in your car it's not allowed in the country you must sulk

hey big head that's what we listen to all weekend. Hey, big head. Hey, big head. Here, this right here, this right here, this right here. This was Friday through, no, this was Saturday through Monday right here this right here this right here this is this was friday through no this was saturday through monday right here you ever have a girl call you big head? That means you're in the game.

Big head or you were in my dream last night. That's when you know. No matter what, guy or girl, if you're in somebody else's dream, just propose. Hey, you were in my dream last night. Okay, so when's the wedding then? Like, you even have to ask. It's such a setup. You were in my dream last night.

What was it about like jesus christ it couldn't have been about like us like like you know like doing it or something right come up with something like totally opposite uh we're just eating this turkey on the ground in the middle of the dmv oh all right definitely thought it was about sex. Or I'm going to fight you. Whenever somebody, like, when you're like, God damn it, I shouldn't even be talking about this.

But when two people are, like, texting and I'm going to, we can fight right now. It's like, okay, let's keep it PG. I did this podcast with this dude with this dude earlier his name is steven it was pretty it's pretty dope podcast because i was off like a gallon of coffee you know when coffee hits different i love that you gotta switch up your coffee game you know when uh when people are like yeah if you don't want acne, this is, this is Ashley, our producer. Yeah.

When you, when you don't want acne, you need to switch up your face wash. So your face doesn't get used to the same thing over and over. Everybody knows that. Duh. Like, that's what they said in that like meeting in fifth grade that you had when

everybody just talked about like puberty and sex and you just tried as hard as you could not to look at your friends cause you're going to laugh. Do you remember that class? Everybody had that like sex ed class. Like this is much this is how much deodorant you use. This is how much shampoo you use. I can remember our teacher saying we only needed to use

a... Oh shit. Hold on. Somebody's calling me. Alright. Another episode. We're back on another episode of somebody's calling me and i'm just staring at my phone waiting for it to stop yeah but the the teacher was like this is how much shampoo you use the size of a dime can you imagine dude when i was a kid i used to use so i used to just put a whole Glop in my hand And wash my whole body

With it too I thought shampoo Smelled better than soap So I didn't even use soap Half the time I was like This is doper And it's like

Looks teal Why wouldn't I use it What about when like Hopefully this is not Just me that does this But when you take like A shower at your friend's house And they have like The craziest like that display and amount of shampoo and you just go

you make like a suicide of like body wash and you just go like use as much as you can no i don't do that i don't do that but if someone did that'd be crazy but yeah that class where they teach you about like You like actually seriously talk about sex For the first time in front of all your friends and stuff Dude You know like The like The amount of pressure in that room

Like not to laugh Oh my god There's always a dude In class that like you know Is about to like go off And you're like don't look at that guy Don't look at that guy Just one look

Just one little smirk and you're done Like if you laugh in that class You have to go in the hall for like 10 years That was my award in school Like when they handed out like awards At the end of the year like that was so dope But when they handed out awards At the end of the year. That was so dope. But when they handed out awards at the end of sixth grade,

like the smartest, the most athletic, the best caring friend. I got most uncontrollable laugh. Because anytime something funny happened, I'd be like, all right, I'm out.'m out like give me 10 can't be in here just the word it's just i'm a jack in the box in here just any minute god what was i talking about oh yeah yeah that's what you got to do with your coffee you got to switch up your coffee game like if you if you're getting too much of the same coffee and you're not feeling it anymore, you got to switch up your game. Okay, so now you're a coffee doctor?

What are you? Ashley, just chill. This is from my personal experience. Okay, whatever. Whatever, Mr. Starbuck. Okay, yeah, so I was doing this podcast with this dude and he for some reason this came up like he had a big agenda and stuff and he like there's this quote that we were talking about it sounds so crazy but there's this quote and it was like I'm about to look it up real quick alright so he like brought up a computer

generated quote from like this robot that like takes a bunch of quotes and meshes them together and it was if you can't rise above her you can't sit on her and he was like has there any ever been a time that you ever sat on a girl? And I was trying to think.

Like this one time, okay. I hate when I talk about stuff. But one time this girl, I was talking to this girl. And it wasn't even like that. it was just like oh my god yeah I'm so bored I know oh my god she's like I just went to Bravo oh my god and I was like I'm so hungry haha lol lol lol haha lol lol haha she's like you want the rest of this like rigatoni and i was like yeah i'll literally i hate paying for food so i'll do anything plus she was a girl that looked good so she like came i was like oh my god yeah oh my god and uh like when dudes hang out with girls like we bring out like all the

like it's pretty much like a comedy routine. And something happened where I was just like trying to mess around. I was just being like, ha ha, ha ha, LOL, ha ha. She was sitting on my bed and I just wanted to do something stupid.

I've done this before and it's failed multiple times, but I like went, I was going to like low key, like do a cannonball like on her. I was trying to figure out like a way that I could like transition to sitting on my bed that wasn't completely awkward. And I was like, I'm just going to blow this whole thing up. So I just like did like a, like a diet cannonball, like just to see how she would like react, like kind of like halfway on her halfway on the bed and I like did it and I was like oh shit this is either gonna be really good or really

bad I don't know like it'll be it'll pay off either way and right when I like landed on her I farted like and I had no like so like I don't know like it was so messed up that it was just like I guess and then I guess it kind of worked because at that point after that point it was like not holding anything back now literally so yeah that's the first time I ever sat on a girl. Thankfully, it wasn't one of those girls that likes farts too much. You know what I mean? I guess it's not just girls, it's guys too, but it's weirder when it's girls.

People like farts. Deep down, everybody thinks a fart is like funny depending on the situation and stuff like that but like some people like think it's way funnier than other people and it's like dude come on one time i was uh i like went over to this girl's house i sound like i'm not like just out here dating girls it's always just like i don't know I guess let's just okay let's see you know you guys are whores too just just just shut up uh I went over to this girl's house and I had I didn't really know her like I like knew her but not knew didn't know her know her so I was just like over there and i didn't know what to do you know you're just hanging out with a girl and you have no idea and they always like girls always like

when you go over to their like house or something or go in the room they always like have music on it's like to make sure it's not awkward when you go over my guy's house his like fucking underwear's behind the door and shit. Sorry. Girls have it all set up. There's a movie already on. You're like, wow. You just watch movies all the time with Ashanti on in the background. This is what Right when you walk into a girl's room

This is what's playing We love the new apartment God damn it Hey what's up Yeah I'm uh This is awesome Your house is cool

Oh that's dope Oh we can go in here But we gotta keep the door open For sure For sure For sure Oh this room right here? Oh, tight.

It's kind of, sorry if it's messy. It's never messy, though. Right when you walk in the door. It's like a real light They're always chewing gum Like you don't just chew gum in your house Who chews gum in their house? They're always like yeah

What's up? I can't listen to this song anymore Cause it kinda goes Baby I don't know why you're treating me so bad Treating me so bad Okay anyway this girl like I didn't know what to do and I like had the iPhone at that time and she was like oh my god call let me see oh like apps and I had this I had like two apps when I got I just got the phone so I like didn't know how to use it and she's like ask and I had this I had like two apps when I got I just got the phone so I didn't know how to use it and she's like ask so I did act like I was like at the genius bar and I was like

oh yeah you just swipe and if you want to take a picture you go ahead yeah there's no video sucks I know that was like 2010 iPhones but uh I had like two apps one was like that lighter app do you remember that app that like you could like it was like a lighter on your phone for no reason you could like move your phone around the lighter would like be like moving like the like with gravity it was really weird but it was kind of tight it was so pointless i just showed people that i was like yo bro i got the that's like honestly that's half the reason I got the iPhone was that. But the other app I had, it was called iFart. Most guy thing of all time, time, time. It's the most guy app in the world. But hold on, people, just wait. And I don't know why I had i had it really it was just kind of like a funny

like popular app because i didn't know what to do on my phone at the time and it was like one app and it had like 30 different fart noises on it that's it nothing else no like it was just like sounds of farts and she and i was like have you seen this and she was like oh my god what like is that and this is still on what is that I was like I don't know just press one of the buttons like probably I always change my whole personality changes when I'm talking to girls like I'm not the same person at all I'm like I turn into something like weird sexy guy I'm not the same person at all. I'm like, I turned into something like weird, sexy guy. I'm like, Hey, I don't know. Why don't you, uh, you know, check it out yourself. She's like, okay.

And she pressed the button and it was like, and she's like, she laughed so hard at the fart that I was like, I don't really want to talk to you anymore. so hard at the fart that I was like, I don't really want to talk to you anymore. Like it was so like every single fart she was like on the phone. She was like, they're funny, but like, dude, like she was like dying laughing at him. And I was like, I don't know. Do you just want my phone and I'll leave? Like she just like farts way too much. There's like two types of people. Like they, you really like like. You think it's so funny or you think it's like kind of funny. She was a fart queen.

And that just made me think that she just farted all the time. So I was like, okay. Talk to you later. I left. On my way out I was like. Alright. I left. On my way out, I was like... All right. Anyway.

I'm back to... Back to wearing like standard living underwear. Just been wearing like little shorts for like 60 days straight. So much better. My briefs to me are like a girl's like bra. When I get home, I'm like, oh, get this thing off me. Oh, like sit on my bed. Briefs. Like instead, like little shorts were the move for me my whole entire life.

Like, that's just what me and the homies wore. Like, we didn't wear, like, anything special. I guess when I was a little kid, like, we just didn't know. I just wore, like, whitey tighties until I was, like, a sophomore in high school. I swear to God, dude. Like, I just didn't know. I was like, I guess. I was just used to it

I had like a lot of leg movement You know Like I don't like briefs Because like there's like It feels like there's webbing Like in between your legs You know what I mean Like you know

They're like connected Like I like to be like I like to have like rotation Anything tight on my hips And legs I'm like I can't I'm irritated I can't I'm irritated I'm mad right now baby

But Uh yeah That's why they call them briefs you know Hey You know why they call them briefs Can't wear them for too long Oh jeez I thought I always thought boxers were weird Can't wear them for too long. Oh, jeez.

I thought I always thought boxers were weird. Like, why was it so fun that they had palm trees on them and stuff? That was so weird. Kids used to wear them under their football pants. I was like, dude, just please, just look according to the plan. And the kid would be like, good, too. He'd be like, should I? Mom?

How much are those? Always old Navy boxers. I always just wore boxers to bed. No, but for real, I wore whitey tighties until, like, one time I, like, bent up. We were doing, like, a group project in sixth grade, and we were all, like, in different parts of the classroom. And my group was on, like, the floor by, like, the coats, you all like in different parts of the classroom and my group was on like the floor by like the coats you know in the back of the room there's like all your shit we didn't have lockers obviously so we just had like we hung our bags up and like put our shit back there but we were back there doing our thing and we were like on the ground and i was like bending over and um i guess like my my my like waistband my ftls were showing like the waistband

and chiller comes up to me and he goes hey nice tidy whitey skank no no no no he didn't say skank he goes hey scrub nice tidy whiteys and i was like, some changes need to be made. And then I switched to boxer briefs that were really uncomfortable and stupid. And I'm still wearing them. All right, what else? I saw a video of like this bear opening a car door. It's like all, growing up,

that's like all I did around my house is literally act like I was a dog. Like probably, like at one point, I think I acted like I was a dog for like seven hours of the day. I'd like crawl around and be like, my mom would honestly treat me like a dog. Like I wouldn't even say words.

I'd just be like, like a dog like I wouldn't even say words I'd just be like now but this bear opened a car door and I always think it's so weird how bears are just constantly acting like humans there's like like once once every three months there's like a video that goes around of a bear just like in somebody's backyard sitting at their patio table like waiting to be served it's like a video that goes around of a bear just like in somebody's backyard sitting at their patio table Like waiting to be served. It's like how does a bear just like know how to do that? I think of a like they open doors and go in people's houses and like sit there and like watch HGTV I remember I saw a picture of a shaved bear and it like ruined everything in my life. It looked like a huge rat. Ah!

What else? What else? Let's do, uh, let's do viral. Vi-vi-vi-vi-viral. Okay, hashtag... Written on my headstone. Hashtag written on my headstone hashtag written on my headstone that used to be like we always when when uh we used to go to like my to michigan to see my family we'd always like we'd go there for memorial day that was like our thing we were like oh memorial day my dad just like going there so he'd be like yo sure let's go

but we just wanted to see our cousins and like, you know, play hide and seek and shit and eat like KFC. That's like the motive behind all of my decisions as a kid was KFC. Especially when I got that famous bowl. What?

That famous bowl went stupid. Mashed potatoes, chicken, corn, and gravy and cheese. Oh! Such a bossy fast. stupid. Mashed potatoes, chicken, corn, and gravy and cheese? Ooh! Such a bossy fast. That like started the bowls.

Chicago bowls. No, that started like bowl culture. After that Qdoba was like, okay. That was the first original bowl. It was fire, but we always used to go to Michigan for like memorial day and we'd like because they had like a memorial like church service or something like in a cemetery and they'd like shoot off guns and stuff and we'd be like oh my god but we always did that but when we

were like waiting like during mass it was like outside it was weird it was outside and we'd like it'd be in a cemetery this sounds so this sounds like a dream again but you know how you just look around during mass and church and you just like you like counts like i'd look at i'd be like oh thank god we got a bulletin so i can like count all the advertisements on the back that'd be like how bored i'd be like i'd like pass it to my sister and be like how many did you get she'd be like 61 I'd be like no there's 68 no yeah you're an idiot shut up that's how every every mass went for me but you like count the lights during church and like the pews and like the you just look at people's asses in church church the place where you're supposed to be very very proper

And respectful Just looking at people's Wedgies This one guy that sat in front of us at church Every single time It'd be like damn bro Like he must have been straight commando Every single day

6am church No undies honey So we're at the cemetery and like you look at that kind of stuff in like real church but at the cemetery church we just looked at people's like last names that were on tombstones on like gravestones and stuff

that's probably where my like infatuation with names came from cause we'd look at a name we'd like walk by a cemetery and like look at a name and be like, oh shit, that goes hard. Like I'll never forget one dude's name on a gravestone was Pop Rocky.

I was like, oh! Every single time I'd be like, where's Pop Rocky? Some names would just go hard and the other names would just be like Smith.

You'd be like, eh. Hashtag make up a Crime Hashtag Make up a crime people like dudes Hollering at girls that are way out of their league Other way to girls

Hollering at dudes way out of their league like Dude like come like don't you See like I appreciate the confidence But like In what world like real nerdy guys are like desperate to get married they're like what's your number

would you like to go on a date with me like make up a crime applying for jobs you're like have you ever honestly applied for a job online it takes it takes it takes me like eight hours i swear to god because you got to update your entire resume make sure that's all correct make sure that's right you got to do the cover let like and then and then after you do all that stuff you you got to put all that information into their website. I'm like, why do I have a resume if I'm just doing this? That's a crime.

There's shit, I can't do it. Hashtag thought I got a bargain when. Hashtag thought I got a bargain when. One time I bought fake Jordans in high school. It was like when I was a sophomore in high school and nobody knew, kind of. It was like nobody really knew about fake Jordans. And I just wanted the 11s so bad. Because I was just like, those are hard and nobody really even has them. So I just went on eBay to see and there are some for like 70 bucks and I was like there's no way these are

real but they kind of look real and I convinced myself to get them and I wore them I was like yeah dude yeah oh yeah dude and then one day somebody was like bro the Jordan logo like you can see his ass crack. You know the Jordan logo? There was like a seam like right there, like in his ass. And my friend pointed it out. It was chiller. Why is he always looking at asses? I don't know. Hashtag social distance sports.

Hashtag social distance sports I've been like holding my breath by people Even if I haven't Dude masks suck By the way I'm like exhausted When I take a When I have a mask on I'm like I can't breathe or see or like anything But I've been like either way I've been like even on the sidewalk

like when I'm not wearing a mask and I see somebody I like hold I'm like and I hold my breath next to him I swear I can hold my breath for like I hate to brag but like like I can slice pizza really good and who can hold their breath the longest? I'd walk out of their screened in patio like this. Hawaiian shorts on. Flowers on them. What'd you say? I asked, uh, if you guys want to play the game, who can hold their breath the longest?

Oh, that's, uh, that's what I thought you said. And I step into the pool, like those shallow steps. Not even holding onto the rail. And I swim underwater like a torpedo to him. Like, you know when you're doing that, you don't know where you are in the water but i i knew and maybe i even went around them there's like three of them in the pool you know i mean there's like three in the pool and then you're like i like circled them like a shark

and their dog that was their dog their dog was like hey hey watch this and then all of a sudden i would like gradually rise out of the water they're like hey man we're just playing a game it's not like that serious i wouldn't say anything like okay uh three two one and then i would just i'd be doing all this shit underwater I'd be setting up like tea like tea you ever play that game where you set up you go underwater

and set up like a tea table that's what I'd be doing they'd be like looking at each other with goggles on I'd just be setting up like coffees and sugars and creams They're all popping up like, where's Ben? I'm in the neighbor's pool.

I'm popping up all over the city in different pools. In their bathtub. Like, hey! Hey, Mrs. Allen! Yeah, but that's how long I can hold my breath. Okay. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah. I think I learned how to hold my breath for so long because we guys used to do that when we saw cemeteries.

I know I'm talking about cemeteries like this whole podcast, but damn that song, though. Yeah, every time we saw a cemetery, every time we'd drive by a cemetery growing up, we'd be like, Face would turn like purple. And sometimes it'd be a cemetery that we like weren't familiar with. So we'd be like, we'd be like pointing out the window. You like try to make people laugh while their breath is in. You like make some face like a monkey with big cheeks.

You know what I mean? Get me every time. Hashtag fight a movie the best movie fight best movie fight ever probably rocky obviously and because we just listened to that but uh tarzan and that leopard it's up there you know you like thought he want you like thought the leopard one and then tarzan like lifting him up at the end you're like oh like thought the leopard won and then Tarzan like lifted him up at the end. You're like, oh shit. Okay, he's real. And then the monkeys like sided with him.

They're like, all right, that's our, that's our dude. He's one of us. We got him. We're cool now. Like all he had to do. Hype moment. That whole movie, bro. That whole movie.

Damn, Disney just had bangers, didn't they? What was that? What was the poacher's name? Lyle. Oh! What an enemy name. Lyle! Hashtag that's really messed up. I saw it today.

When you're looking through Instagram and you see a dog and you're like, oh. And you're like, oh, let's check it. And you can see it's dick. That's really messed up. You know what I'm saying? When you're like, good picture of a dog, but can the owner, can the person that posts the picture not like like it still counts as a dick i know it's a dog's but like dude get it crop it i know you love your dog but like dude that region of the dog is ugly no matter what even if you love fluffy even if you love the fluffy his midsection

is disgusting. Hate that. That should be a crime. Hashtag, that should be a crime. Your dog's dick on Instagram. Immediately, I'm like, I don't like her anymore. I feel like guys don't even do that. Is that a flex?

It's two days. Wednesday. National Blueberry Cheesecake Day Blueberry's such a wild card for me Been pretty in on it lately Like for some reason I always want blueberry pop tarts Like it's not even a question anymore It's one of those things

Like as you get older You're like yeah Like this happened to me Two weeks ago I saw some girl tweet that she like really liked onions and I was like damn I think that's me now and now for everything. I'm like onions, please At subway i'm like and onions and they're like, okay Okay and onions and they're like okay but blueberry pop tarts when i was a kid i'd be like ew gross

boring now i'm like i want them warm them up mom it's one time when i was a really little kid my mom warmed up her coffee in the microwave for like eight minutes or something nah it wasn't eight minutes it might have been two minutes and 30 seconds. That's exactly what it was. I can remember the font of the clock on the microwave. And I was like, oh, cool. That's like what it should be. And I put Pop-Tarts in the microwave in there right after for two minutes and 30 seconds. And they exploded.

Why does that make moms the most mad when the microwave's dirty? Clean the microwave! Damn, our microwave, guys' microwaves. Like if a guy lives in a house, they just don't care about the microwave. Like if there's no, if two guys live in a house, the microwave's disgusting. It just is. Cause guys don't care. We're like, it's not touching the food. I just want the food warm and then it's fine. Living with all guys is weird. I lived with like five dudes right after college because it was like cheap and downtown and like I knew the guys and to be fun.

They're homies. They're the homies. But we didn't like, we didn't, we didn't have silverware for the first three weeks I lived there and we, we honestly used one spoon and just cleaned it over and over. Is that the most guy thing? One spoon. And it was like, it was like a baby spoon and it had like some like design at the end of it.

Hey, you done eating? Like we like took shifts eating. Instead of just buying spoons. Hey, you done eating Like we like took shifts eating Instead of just buying spoons Hey you done yet dude I'm kinda hungry National paper airplane day There's always like some dude In your grade

That can make like this illest paper airplane. It would be like so sharp and like have like, it'd be like so thin. And then you make a paper airplane and it looks like a flying bus. But his would be like a dart. And that kid was always in the Cub Scouts. Yeah, I'd make a paper I'd make a paper airplane. It looks so stupid.

Like the folds were like different. You open it up and it just says sup bitch inside. But it flies to the wrong person. God, how many times? We always did this thing at school where like Like six people

Like we had In our science class We didn't have like desks We had like tables So like six people would sit at a table And Dudes Dudes in eighth grade

Always act like a little gay Maybe that was just our Girls That's why I know girls liked us But Maybe that was just our class I don't know But like under the table Like girls that's why I know girls liked us but maybe that was just our class I don't know but like

under the table like we'd always like take our foot and rub it on the back of like of another like one of our friends calves like sexy oh no no one time my friend was like doing it to me And I wasn't doing shit I was like reacting and he was doing it to this girl Next to me for like five minutes Allison He was like bro did you not feel my foot And I was like I didn't feel your foot the whole time He's like oh I was doing that to Allison Allison?

Thursday. Oh, shit. We're doing Thursday. National Grape Popsicle Day. I think grape's an underrated flavor. Like grape Gatorade. It's like so good, but it's so bad at the same time. Grape Fierce Gatorade. The grape that's like so good but it's so bad at the same time Grape Fierce Gatorade The grape that's like so dark purple

That's like How could you ever drink that during Activity It's like lean How can you like after you get off the treadmill Drinking a cold grape Gatorade I'd be like alright so we getting drunk It's so thick.

The only Gatorade that's like feasible to drink during competition is like lemon lime. It is. Lemon lime, lemon lime, lemon lime. When that Lil Wayne came, when that Lil Juan song came out, there's probably a Lil Juan too, but when that Lil Wayne song came out, there's probably a little wand too, but when that little wing song came out, women lie, men lie, my sister thought it was tight or I sent it to my sister.

And I was like, this is a good song. This, this like just came out. I'm like, I think I'm like the plug for music sometimes. No, but one time I sent women lie,

men lie to my sister. And she came up to me like the next day after hearing it. And she was like, lemon, lime, lemon, lime, lemon, lime, lemon, lime. sister and she came up to me like the next day after hearing it and she was like lemon lime lemon lime lemon lime lemon lime and i was like laughing i was like it's tight and she's like song's good and she kept she did it again i was like did you know it's women lie men lie

and then she left the earth friday national beef burger day of course Friday, National Beef Burger Day. Of course. I haven't had meat in a hot minute, but dude, the other day I was just thinking about risking it all for Chick-fil-A. Their chicken sandwich, it just looks so like deformed and messed up.

You're like, ah! Give me that Hills Have Eyes patty. Oh, when people call stuff patties. I can't believe I just said that. Yeah, you put two patties on there. Ah! I don't know what to call chicken. Breasts.

That's so gross. Breasts, patty. I'm like, I don't want to eat for the rest of my life. Express patty. I'm like, I don't want to eat for the rest of my life. Saturday, National Paperclip Day. Paperclips are used more now to reset your router than hold papers together. I hate that moment.

We just have an unhinged paperclip laying next to our Linksys router at our apartment. Wi-Fi usernames and passwords that are like default. Is that crazy? Like why can't they make it like just English words and then you change it? But instead it's like a code for the matrix. It's the biggest deal to rename your password, but it's the best decision of all time. Because when somebody's like, what's your

Wi-Fi? You're not like, X81, hee-haw, uh-uh, yeah, ee-haw, 441XX. You're like It's Cookie Dough 3 Sunday

June 1st That's fried Sunday's June Whoops I'm glad quarantine happened on March, April, May. The months that don't exist in my head. The whole calendar.

I'm like, yep, looks good. Then March, April, May. I'm like, what months? Why? Huh? Well, I don't know. They're all the same. Okay, y'all.

That's 108 108 Thanks for listening Remember to check it out on YouTube I'll post links and stuff Remember to follow on Instagram At Benedict Polizzi Twitter, Ben Polizzi TikTok, Benedict Polizzi I'll be posting some stuff

And Get a cameo too. You know? Why not? It's easy. Support small business. Okay, shut up. That's enough.

That's enough plugs. Yeah, but we'll get on Apple Podcasts later and hook that all up. But for now, we're just on YouTube. So I'll put the link out. I'll talk to you guys next week I'll go without you But I'm hurting while I'm here And though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you