Espresso - the greatest lie you ever told (ft. Casey)

Episode Date: December 15, 2022

🎟 𝗕𝗨𝗬 𝗗𝗘𝗧𝗥𝗢𝗜𝗧 𝗛𝗢𝗨𝗦𝗘 𝗢𝗙 𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗗𝗬 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗧𝗜𝗖𝗞𝗘𝗧𝗦 https://dettickets.houseofcomedy.net/event/benedict-polizzixFIl4hVOn this episode benny with casey from fboy island reacts to your greatest lies (like telling people you speak spanish)🔥𝗠𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗵 https://benedictmerch.com/🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🟣𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso-w-benedict-polizzi/id1514492317🟢𝗦𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘆 https://open.spotify.com/show/1Ka4dMrpfGxYPGZsUJ1Csf🔸𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 https://www.cameo.com/benedictpolizzi?utm_campaign=profile_share🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸 https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺 https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

not bad. I give that a dude who's your driver's ed teacher. Was it like some? I feel like every driver's ed teacher is like a sixty one year old woman named like Tammy or Pam. She's just got a pack of marble reds. She was she ripping heaters while you were doing your test. Oh, just ripping cigs window cracked cracked? Or is she just hotboxing the thing? Just hotboxing. I'm 16 years old, sucking down marble, secondhand smoke,

and then she's like, you want some of this whiskey? I'm like, all right. Are you sure, Tammy? You better have it in a flask. You kind of wanted a little ciggy. Long story short, I ripped a cig and got drunk with Tammy

and passed my driver's test. Dude, we're just going to roll into this. How's your seat? We've been on, bro. We're on. Oh, we're on. Oh, we're on. We're on.

Okay. Dude, my driver's ed teacher was my basketball coach. So it was the most chill thing ever. Like I never had like a set driver's ed schedule. He just, he like, I lived near the, near the high school and he just picked me up on a ram today. We'd like drive to the outlet mall and come back. Just drive to the outlet mall at American Eagle.

It's like real quick. You're trying to go to the Nike outlet. Go to the American Eagle. That, oh man. You remember back, you were in the prime of like when you got the shirt that said arrow like arrow postle postle arrow postle was like the low grade like uh like preppy shit though you know it was like hollis actually abercrombie and fitch hollister american eagle then arrow postle how, bro? Dude, if you got your hands on an Abercrombie and Fitch polo

though, was that even like oh my God, you walk into the seventh grade dance and you're just God who's kissing this? That's all I want to know who's grinding on this. Remember the first time you grind

you grinded bro. How weird was that? Was it natural? not at all i was even now it's not natural no i don't think i mean not only was it unnatural but i mean i'm 14 years old and i'm just absolutely just torqued up just annihilated on spray rubbing against my house dude sprites just coming out of your ears and eyes you got mountain dew just doritos bro oozing spray out of my skin my boners rubbing against my house or jeans it's chafing but you know what i'm having the time of my life everybody remembers their first grind sesh and if you were crazy you just went out there and wore like normal jeans but if you were thinking ahead of the game you had the the compression shorts on underneath oh yeah that

was like a i mean that was a must that's a i mean That's a, I mean, there's a vet move. Those things were tight. Compression shorts. Oh, I got a size small just to make sure. Yep. Like I was definitely a large, but I got size small just because I like to feel compact. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't want to like, if I'm getting compression shirts, I don't want them loose. No.

What's happening? Then that's, you're not, they're not going to compress them. That's what I'm saying. And I was wearing tighty-whities until I was like 15. I'm not even going to lie. Did you have like the ones that were like cut up high? Please tell no FTLs dude for the loom dude. I'll never forget it dude.

They were just comfortable to me. What? Yeah, bro. Like I mean, those are like if nobody made fun of me, I'd still be wearing them like it was. I was damn near wearing a speedo every day. How sexy is that? It's like a little

you gotta be are you being i'm not dude eighth grade i was rocking tighty whities bro and someone just roses you my best dude i like we were doing a group project and we were all like in separate groups on the floor yeah i was like bent over and you could see the the spandex or the elastic there you go bro oh you Oh, you got to go. Shoes off. Bosses rules. Oh, bosses rules.

I'll tell you what I pretend it never happened. It's cozy as fuck in here. I know, man. I mean, you might just lay a blanket over the top of us. Yes. Build a tent.

Now that back in the day was different to the tent game. Oh my Lord. You ever just go home after school and build a tent in your living room? And then... That's the most Midwest white boy shit ever. You know what? There's a lot of Midwest white boy shit. The culture.

Look at this, bro. I feel like I might accidentally poop though. This is like a very dangerous... Oh yeah? It's that coffee talking to you? My man's got the gum on top of his coffee. That's a... That reminds me of my dad.

Well, you know, after F4 Island, man, I'm just like, anytime I'm on mic, I just feel like every... No fucking gum! You would have thought I was like carrying a legally registered weapon on set. No gum, bitch! I was like...

We couldn't have anything around them. By the way, F4 Island, taken off the air. What's a what do you think? I mean that is the only thing I have going for me in my life, so hey me too. Yeah, so if you're keeping track of our employment history, there goes another one, keeping track of our employment history there goes another one but i mean there's a chance it could be back on is the chance very high we'll see nikki glazer seems to think so yeah another network will pick it up yeah maybe we'll like i don't know but that is the third job I've lost in the last year. So it's tough to,

so, and like, uh, like you said on that show was the only time you were actually able to like read a book. Remember how I was here? I hear like, dude,

this is the only chance I get to just like sit in a bed and read a book. Like, when am I going to ever do this again? That's the part you'll miss. I read three. I told you when I was there, I was like, I read three books a year and it's always when I'm on set of f1 every single time i went upstairs

to the room there'd be 26 dudes downstairs went upstairs our room casey would just be in the top bunk reading god knows what book bro what were you reading some erotica just like a romance no way like like the sexy books your your mom reads while you're at chucky cheese yep yeah where she's sitting there just with like the the dude on the front with like the long hair that's jack that looks exactly like tom carter facts oh that's fucking funny he's like on horseback oh for that's every sexy book cover yes you're at yep you're you're in the ball pit ball pit getting a rash and your mom's over there. You're finding a dildo in the ball pit.

Your mom's out there with her legs crossed. She's drinking a Dr. Pep. Oh, my God. Yeah. So, you know, yeah, but well, there's nothing else to fucking do. What do you mean? Oh, yeah. There's nothing else to do.

Yeah, there really is. There's a lot of downtime. But then they're like, right when you get cozy, they're like, yeah there's nothing else to do yeah there really is there's a lot of downtime but then they're like right when you get cozy they're like come on we need to do a scene we need to do a scene i kind of miss it though i'm not gonna lie do you uh i think i miss it and then right like right if we went back i like, oh, not this shit again, man. You know how that goes. It's just like a really nice prison that gets you. I don't even know. I mean, if it gets picked up, we'll see. I mean, I'm not too worried about it.

I think that we got some other things going. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, Shot 241 Espresso Podcast. And today we're going to figure out what your biggest lie is. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?

And we have the nicest girl ever, Casey Johnson, on the podcast today from FBoy Island Season 1 and 2. on the podcast today from FBoy Island season one and two. Remember to subscribe to the Patreon for $5 every month for an extra episode every week. Go to benedictmerch.com for all your merch and get your Detroit House of Comedy tickets

for December 22nd. Me and Joey Molinero will be there and maybe Casey will make an appearance too. Oh, I'll be there. Oh! I will be there. Meet and greet. Meet greet meet yeah those meet and greet tickets too i think they're like 20 more dollars i think that's a steal i got the upgrade i think i got a private session with you and joey in the back room that'd be so fucked that yeah that'd be good. We need to add that. Yeah. Upgrade you.

And remember to follow Casey on only fans. Please do. There's some. We're getting good. This is booming. This is booming. Yeah. But whole pigs.

Dude, do you take pics of your feet on there? Not that I care or anything, but have you? Have you got the oddest request you've ever gotten on a weekend? Dude, I don't... Man. There's some strange people out there. I mean, I love it because they're supporting my life.

I think, I don't know, last week, and I'm not going to say whether or not I did do this, but this guy was like, hey, man, I want a picture of you. I want to go to your freezer no get your get a tub of ice cream which i've i always got a tub ice cream just on and he's just like i want you to just dip your balls in there really no dick just the balls in the ice cream and people are so fucking weird when it comes to like pictures i know

what kind of ice cream was it that's fucked up that i just want to know what kind of eyes i'm fat as hell for that it's a mint chocolate chip was it like neapolitan or it was mint chocolate chip it took a little burned a little bit too oh it was like did you melt some of it i mean i think i think i think the warmth of my nutsack yeah warmed it up was there like a little Oh, so it's kind of creamy on the top layer then? Yeah. Did you just cap it and put it right back in the freezer? Yeah.

I was like, hey, mom, if you don't eat that, don't eat the mint chocolate chip. That's for me. So, yeah. What about you? You don't have an OnlyFans, do you? I wish I did. I think about it every single day.

Closest I can get is Patreon, dude. That's a good investment. I'm thinking about it, bro. I don't know. Like, where do I draw the line, you know? Because I feel like I would do it. You know, whatever they ask me on OnlyFans, I would do it. They're like, yo, will you like set yourself on fire?

I'd be like, how much? Something down. That's a one-time thing, though. You don't really come back from that. You do. We'll see. But also, dude, you said you're on Raya, the dating app for celebs? Yeah.

I wouldn't consider myself a celebrity, but I told you I was on there. I was on there the first day. I'm thinking it's going to be like, you know, like actual celebrities. I'm thinking I'm going to be like matching with like Sydney Sweeney and like fuck around and get turned down by like Reese Witherspoon or some shit. That'd be fun. And it's

just like the like, I mean, very successful people, but I just saw the first like the local news anchors. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The local news anchor or she's like in the local symphony ripping the violin, which is really fucking cool, but I'm like what is going on here? I thought these were people there. I thought it was going to be like movie stars. I know. So they approve you. Yeah, what's that like you? You'd like go on there and

like your contacts will come up and like I can see other people who are in my contacts that are on riot like Garrett. So like I was like it's on there too. Oh, you know, what's he not on? Garrett's actually just celebrity though. That dude is just all over the place. But yeah, no, you just go on there get referred and that next thing you know, you're swiping left on your local celebrity Papa John's manager.

That's what oh shit. See, I might be able. I might be into that. Bring over a little sausage pet baby girl. Yeah, bring over the yeah. Yep, shit. See, I might be able to. I might be into that. Bring over a little sausage pet, baby girl. Bring over. Yeah. Yep. Exactly.

I wouldn't recommend it, though. I'm just a classic hands guy. You know, classic and classic. I've never been on a dating app, dude. Closest thing I've ever been on to a dating app. Probably LinkedIn. Dude, LinkedIn's full of shit. Have you been on that shit?

What is LinkedIn? LinkedIn is the horniest place on earth. probably linkedin dude linkedin's full of shit have you been on that shit what is linkedin linkedin is the horniest place on earth i'm like you guys are full of shit do you get messages on linkedin because i i get mess like it's supposed i mean obviously it's a professional setting and some girl will follow me like a manager i'm like oh shit am i gonna like get an interview and she's like hey you're cute as fuck like love to your show. I'm like this is professional. No, it's not because the first thing you do is look at their picture. I guess she is so stupid and it's like this them like behind a white wall with like a collared suit on and she's just like yeah with their with their like work lanyard on or

something like that's kind of but now the only I don't get messages from girls on there. I get messages from like forty eight year old dudes that are like happy birthday Ben and then like I go to the message like conversation. It's just happy birthday been like twelve times in a row. I'm like damn. I have it. He just keeps going like I haven't answered once he's going to rip another happy birthday been again like is this is this an automatic reply or something dates back to like your 12th birthday i swear to god dude my dad my dad's a linkedin king is he really oh yeah oh man just firing on all cylinders bro he

is going crazy on linkedin does he like make posts linked oh linkedin mafia bro he's like a head like he might be he's like i got like this many followers and I'm like on what he goes linkedin. I was like I don't even know if they have followers isn't that like connections. Do my dad will endorse the fuck out of you. If you need one, if you need an endorsement for like sales or marketing, he'll go tell him to write me up. I want you up dude. He'll put you in the game. I need it. What name just joe just joe just joe every dad's name's joe you know that yeah i might need a little referral on there but like joe dude he's

got you he might even be joseph on there oh my yeah shit's getting really might be verified it's different you made it it's there he might have the linkedin check that's all that would be elite that's when you know that's way cooler than anything else big moves linkedin check twitter and verification instagram verification linkedin boy linkedin linkedin and of can you get a check on oh oh fuck yeah really i'm working on it yeah i'm in like the top like i don't know what it means but it just tells me i'm on there it's like. I'm in like the top, like, I don't know what it means, but it just tells me it's how I'm on there. It's like you're in the top

6% of creators. I'm like, fuck, that's pretty good. That's really good. Yeah. Yeah. You might be hot shit

on OnlyFans. I don't know. Subscribe to find out. We will. I have a hair, not a single hair on my butt. Yeah,

we'll see. Yeah, we'll see. All right, dog. What's your biggest your biggest lie biggest lie you've ever told biggest lie i've ever told you got anything off the top dude honestly it might have been this weekend i was thinking about it and i was like tell us dude tell us give us a give us a rundown this is kind of this is kind of fucked up this is insane but this isn't if i think it's what you're gonna say yeah yeah it is yeah i'm gonna go it's funny it's funny too um and i've always wanted to do this because i'm a stickler for like you know how can i get a free drink out of someone because girls got it so easy you know

you walk into the bar you shake your big old knockers, and you just have to do anything drinks. You don't do anything. Yes. So so anyways, I'm on a date with this girl. This weekend, we go this little like this market, this little Christmas marketplace, beautiful setting.

We're enjoying some the cutest place in the state. Carmel, and there's a skating rink. Absolute money. Never thought I'd find myself in Carmel, Indiana. Just on a December weekend. Just on a December weekend. And so we're hanging out, drinking some wine.

Long story short, I've always wanted to do a fake proposal. I'm like, you know what? People are going to be laughing. I just love making other people smile even if i'm completely lying completely that's the only way to do it and luckily like the girl was down she was like fuck it let's do it and actually we're like in the middle of this fuck we're the middle of this how many people people are there? Probably like a thousand. I mean,

the thousand at the entire place, like there's a lot of people, but like in this specific area, we were like on this little dance floor. They had a little music fest going on, like this girl's ripping the accordion and everyone's. She's on Raya.

She's a, she's the queen of Raya. She's like the Joe of LinkedIn on Raya. Well, there's probably like a hundred people there and I, she just pulls off one of these rings. She's wearing. I'm like, I'm like, of LinkedIn on Raya. Well, there's probably like a hundred people there and she just pulls off one of these rings she's wearing and I'm like, we go out there and she like turns around

and I like look over at the crowd and I'm like, I pull up this like ring that's from like Forever 21. And people are like, oh shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. And I just get down on one knee. And you rip it? Did it feel natural? Dude, it kind of did.

Like I felt like I was actually getting engaged. I felt like I was actually getting engaged. Like my heart was just racing. That would be the place to do it though. And everyone just starts crapping. Everyone starts clapping. Everyone just shits their pants. Everybody just starts crapping. Will you

What a reaction, bro. Oh my God, i propose like can you imagine her story telling her parents i got proposed to in carmel at the skating rink and everyone shit their pants like what a day there's a we need to clean up over here on the dance floor oh man dude so she said yes so she she turns around she says yes and we just like sell the fuck out of it everyone's clapping her down oh we're just uh you know she's like everyone's shitting oh everyone's shitting these grandma comes to me after and i that's when i felt bad that's when the lie kicked in i was like oh shit i feel like a piece yeah it hurts when your lie kicks in when your lie kicks in shit really like it's really like oh lie kicks

in grandma comes over she's like crying little tears she's like that was the beautiful most beautiful thing i've ever seen and that was way better than my husband's and their husband was saying i'm like god damn that was a fake what the fuck did he did did bob do to ruin the proposal he actually shit he he oh he shit before the whole thing went down bob's been shitting i've been shitting so that might be the biggest lie i mean definitely the biggest lie we got like a bunch of congratulations i do have a video i was scared to post it i didn't want people to think i actually got engaged yeah like everybody else at the fucking place oh then they call everybody to shit like that yeah no i mean we i just witnessed 400 shits i don't need anymore but what about you what's the biggest lie you've ever told biggest lie i've ever told i said it earlier

on instagram it's uh my college counselor was gonna make me take a foreign language okay and i was like there's like, there's no way. There's no way. Cause I took like German in high school. Cause it was the easiest. And I was like, I'm not doing this again. And they're like,

can you speak any languages? And I was like, I can speak Spanish just cause I was like, uh, I was like panicking. And they're like, okay, you can take a test online and we'll like see where you fall.

And you know, we'll do all that. So I had a girl that I knew that spoke spanish fluently just killed it ran it up it was probably the easiest thing ever for her and they put me in level three spanish economics after that they're like you got it bro was this an in-person class or online i hope it was online the the econ class they put me in was in person so they're like we'll see you tomorrow at 9 a.m. we'll see you tomorrow so how'd you get out of that one showed you never showed ever showed i mean like so i tested out of it but they were like we're gonna stick you in this class

because like we need you we need fluent spanish speakers to make up our class and i was like i mean that sounds like a really hard let's just you know let's just toss them in the hardest spanish class bro i mean i was i was the guy bro i was i was the enrique inglesias of you indie at that point so they had to toss me in there dude that is good yeah biggest lie but i mean there's a couple more i can't really rip them i can't really rip them off the top of my head either i'm tough dude because my like my brainwashed myself after i lie so they're all gone yeah i mean what once you once you tell it over and over it's like then it just becomes real life yeah so it's not a lie anymore.

My lie is a real life. Let's see what the people's biggest lies are. I'm interested to hear some of these. What's your biggest lie? Yeah, let's read. There we go. The biggest lie I've ever told. Ooh, tell me.

What the hell? It was too big of a lie. She's like, I can't do this. She got panicked halfway through. Part two. Was that it? Okay, good. The biggest lie I've ever told

was telling my best friend's husband that she was with me one night. She was really out cheating. She went to go see her ex. And of course, you know, I had to take one for the team. But when I say my heart was just like, damn, like, bitches ain't shit. And ever since then, I'm like, nah, I can't get married. But just telling that lie itself, it really like resonated.

It just hurt my soul so much because I'm just like, damn, girl, like why can't you just tell your husband you don't want to be with him no more? Because you're going to do it for the kids. Wild. I kind of missed the lie there. What was the lie? She told her best friend's boyfriend, maybe, that her best friend was with her, but she was out cheating.

Oh, she was out cheating. You ever have to cover for your boy like that? Like a girl, like your homie's girl ever call you and be like where's johnny he's right next to me he's right here right here no let me talk to him he's sleeping wake him up i can't that's rude and he's my bestie girly's taking a girly no i don't i've never done that i wouldn't like be obviously i would probably i would cover but at the same time i'd be like dude you got to reevaluate that's kind of fucked up you're an accomplice i would have to oh i wouldn't tell

would not be good at that i would be bad i can't lie i just wouldn't i couldn't tell the girl but i'd probably like bro figure your shit out like come on yeah no you'd be smooth with it bro i'd be your top six percent six percent top six top 6%. Top 6%. Top 6, top 6, top 6. That's a tricky situation. I feel guilty just listening to that voice message. I'm kind of like, damn. She's right, though. Just leave your husband.

He's in it for the kids. Fuck, it's always the fucking kids. Fucking kids. I don't know if I could. I'd just spill everything. Nah, nah, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be like just like I would just like pretend the phone got disconnected or some shit. I'm in an elevator. Hold on. I'd have to. You're just profusely sweating. She's like, but are you

okay? If it was on FaceTime though, oh bro, I couldn't just shake him. All right, good shit. All right shit alright just keep going what's the greatest lie I've ever told well I used to work for I'll just say the government

and there wasn't a schedule available that had Sundays off so I just fucking lied about why I needed Sundays off

and the boss bought it person above bought it I just fucking lied about why I needed Sundays off. And the boss bought it, person above bought it, and then I just kept going. And boy, I got Sundays off. The lesson is not to just lie randomly. It's lie when you need to. Like lie when something doesn't make any sense. I also used to put that, I was like proficient in Microsoft

Office when I really didn't know like any of it at the time. But let's just say now I Excel added. This guy! Dude, always kind of, I love that dude, bro. That was good. I'd say say his name but it's anonymous

that was good what's the lie i want to know what what i know me too me too what was what's like the biggest lie you've told to get off work you ever pulled like my grandma died card oh man i would feel bad about that no shut up what up. Bro, they owe it to you. All those times you talk to your grandma and you go to your grandma's house, to make up for that, you can use their name. When you're too hungover.

What happens if your boss comes back and he's like, let me see the funeral packet. The little funeral. I'm like, now I got to go to the store, print out a fake funeral thing. Now I got to get a fake grandma picture. Jesus Christ. Now this is extra work. I got gotta go to the store print out a fake funeral thing for now i gotta get a fake grandma picture jesus christ now this is extra work i gotta go to fedex office grandma just lay down and close your eyes i'm gonna take a picture just on the couch let me see a picture of your dead grandma

just her taking a nap on christmas i do want to know what the reason was what what have you told said to get off um one time i was just straight up honest with my boss i've never i i didn't because dude i'm so obvious when i'm telling a lie like if i was like yeah i'm kind of sick like it's just so fucking obvious and my voice like you know i would have tried to sound sick and like that's just too there's no way so i just straight up told him i was like hey uh brian his name is brian this is when i worked at champ sports in the greenwood park mall oh man well you just best job i've ever had you have to wear a jersey no no oh yeah yeah yeah the navy blue joint i was in there slanging insoles oh that's good but

uh i was just just Brian like bro. I can't I can't come into work. He goes why I just I just go. I'm not feeling it and my mom like vowed. She was like it's a mall job. Just fuck it. I was like good mom played 2k for the rest of the night. Oh, that sounds like a hundred percent worth it.

It's like it's a Thursday night at the mall in like a November. You don't need me. You don't need me, Brian. But probably. But yeah, I've never lied about that. I've just told, I just, it's my thing, bro. I just tell them straight up, tell the truth. You ever like you get pulled over by a cop

and have to make some shit up? Oh my gosh. So the, this wasn't an original lie. I've learned this lie from one of my friends. But basically, apparently if you have diabetes, like you just have to pee a lot. And I was like walking home from the bars and I was in public. And obviously I think that's illegal. And I'm just on the side of the road. Just it wasn't college cop pulls over. He's like, what's going on? I'm like, I got diabetes and I have to pee whenever I have to pee. He's like, for real,

is that a thing? And I'm like, and my friend who actually had diabetes pulled that off one time. So every time if I ever get caught public peeing in a cop company, just be like, diabetes. Diabetes. Bro, you just, that's a nice little lesson. Yeah.

I don't know if it's actually true, but apparently if you've got diabetes, you can just piss out in public and use that anytime you want. I'm about to take a leak right now in the middle of the road. Yeah, diabetes pants are just at your ankles. Diabetes, tidy whities around one leg diabetes, man. That's dope. Yeah. Yeah. So now I just yeah, I just piss wherever I want to pull that diabetes card. Not in parks, though.

Don't do it in a park. It's the best place to pee. Behind the car door? Bro, I'm a vet. I pee in public probably like once a day. I swear to God I do. Dude, when I have to pee, I don't care. I just go.

Once a day. Hey, diabetes. Eight diabetes. Just keep going. I have to pee. I don't care. I just go once a day. Diabetes eight diabetes keep going last week when I couldn't get somebody's phone number right after telling me it three times. I just

apologize and told him I'm dyslexic and he felt really bad. I'm definitely not dyslexic that I know of all time like so wait a dude was telling her the phone number and she couldn't hear it. So she said she was dyslexic. Yeah.

Was she not writing it down or was she not typing it out? Was she not typing it in her phone? He said something. He's like, four, why nine? She's like, say it again. So sorry, fuck, I'm dyslexic. That's fucked up. No, you're not dyslexic.

You're deaf. Why are all the lies about a disease? I got dyslexic. That's fucked up. No, you're not dyslexic. You're deaf. Why are all the lies about a disease? I got dyslexic. I got diabetes. It's just like funny. She said that what's your number? Sorry, I have diabetes. He's like, what the fuck just pisses her pants on site

and he proposes that she sits every. Oh my God, dude. Oh, the deal is like, yeah, like yeah see we did we need some more backstory they're like were you not were you not listening were you not writing it down on your phone i'd believe it though yeah girls do some weird shit like that if somebody just you could do anything and say you have you're dyslexic i'd be like, I'm so sorry. Just trip in front of me. I'm dyslexic. I got real bad.

I'll keep you in my prayers. No, that's a move. That's a move. I respect it. That's a play. That's not too bad. I want to hear something crazy. We got a couple more.

Let's keep it rolling. It's two o'clock in the morning. Me and my husband are on our way to a friend's house to pick up party supplies. I get pulled over, and the cop says, Do you know you were going 5 over the speed limit? I said, Yes. My mom said I could go 5 over the speed limit. The cop said, You know your mom doesn't make up the laws.

I said, Okay. He asked me if I was drinking while shining the flashlight right in my eyes. I said, yes, I had a margarita at eight o'clock this evening. It was two o'clock in the morning. Now the cop makes me get out, sit in his cop car and I instantly start crying. And he said, have you had more than one drink? I said, no. And he said, okay, touch your nose. I did it. And then he asked if I should take a breathalyzer i said no the reason i said no is because i had not been drinking and i was afraid he was gonna know that i lied about drinking anyway i got back in my car and drove home and you cannot drive five

over the speed limit wait so she just told the truth? Wait, so she said she had a drink. She's like, yeah, I'm super drunk, but she's just like completely sober, apparently. I'm so confused. Was that a true crime podcast? I don't know what that was.

You want to listen to it again? I don't know. It lost me. It got me in the weeds. Let's try to figure it out. Run back here we go it's two o'clock in the morning me and my husband are on our way to a friend's house to pick up party supplies i get pulled over and the cop says do you know you were going five over the speed limit i said yes my mom said i could go five over the speed limit the cop said you know your mom doesn't make could go five over the speed limit. The cop said, you know, your mom doesn't make up the laws. I said, okay. He asked me if I was drinking while shining the

flashlight right in my eyes. I said, yes. I had a margarita at eight o'clock this evening. It was two o'clock in the morning. Now the cop makes me get out, sit in his cop car and I instantly start crying. And he said, have you had more than one drink I said no and he said okay touch your nose I did it and then he asked if I should take a breathalyzer I said no the reason I said no is because I had not been drinking and I was afraid he was gonna know that I lied about drinking anyway I got back in my car and drove home. And you cannot drive five over the speed limit.

What the? I'm more confused. I think she, I mean, I think she said, hey, I did have a drink because she was afraid

that even though, yeah, the cop was going to think that she had a drink even though she didn't. But who cares? If you're clean, you're clean.

Yeah. But I was also confused because they said they were going to pick up party supplies, which a hundred percent means drugs. And so like you just sober at two a.m. going to pick up some coke. You're psycho. I honestly in my head, I was like, okay, they're coming home from party city. I really thought that I was like they grabbed some balloons and candy, but I mean that very well could be the truth. I pictured him pulling out of the park party city parking lot. I think party city is open it to I don't know. I don't know. I'm in the back

24 hour party city, bro. You never know when a party's about to pop off. They got to stay open fucking hundred balloons right now. Yeah, I think I think she should have just been like no officer, officer, I have not been drinking. And he had a great rebuttal. He goes, well, your mom doesn't make the law. That's good. Everybody knows he can go five over, bro. You got that wiggle room.

Maybe seven, maybe eight. Seven is a nice little middle point. I was underage at a concert one time, and the security got me, and they made me take a breathalyzer. You ever have to like get out of a breathalyzer? No. How do you do it? Diabetes? Yeah, my bad. Diabetes. I just pissed right there and they're like, oh, okay, he's good. So you were dancing to Kenny Chesney. Yeah, it was a country concert. I mean, all of us were like kind of, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I heard this trick that if you put a bunch of like I heard the story that someone put a bunch of chapstick in their mouth like they like they're panicking in their car while driving and the cop was like even drinking they're like none there. The cop was like we're going to

breathalyze you. So they panicked and you know, they put like pennies in their mouth or just like they reach for whatever they have. Some person put chapstick in their mouth, ate it, did the breathalyzer test, and they were clean. That blows my mind.

Chapstick was with the bees, the birds, bees, birds all up in that. But ever since I heard that, I was like, I'm going to carry chapstick on me just the beat then what's the bees the the birds bees birds all up in that but ever since i heard that i was like i'm gonna carry chapstick on me just in case you never know like not just you know i'll just have it on me it's not weird and at that concert dude it happened i reached down for my cargo pocket because i was wearing cargo shorts obviously obviously pulled out the chat pulled out the birds bees like

unwinding well i mean there was like it was like a weird play it was a like a holding cell at a concert it was insane and there were like 30 people in there getting breathalyzed like down the line like some people really fucked up other people like weren't i was straight but i was like oh my god like i was probably doing something stupid so they just took i was probably like cow tipping people or some shit like that like i wasn't really you know just yeah just doing too much so they pulled me out and put me in there and i had the chapstick and i just popped it in dude kind of kind of swished it around you know like when you're blowing a bubble with bubble gum you like do all this stuff you like flatten it

out i was going in on the bird's chapstick oh my god it's blue in the breathalyzer no shit zero zeros zero clean that back right back into the kenny chesney oh i don't feel like jesus christ rising yo you seen benedict comes back with a mouthful of mouthful of chapstick it's still smooth in there i might yeah i might do it for fun i kind of keep that chapstick. It's still smooth in there. I might. Yeah, I might do it for fun. I kind of keep that chapstick on you. They just had people lined up by BAC. They're like, all right, we got all the point threes over here. Just a line just

really drunker as it goes down. Kenny Chesney's in line to he's getting breathalyzed at his own concert. Kenny, we don't give a fuck. That's good. Well, okay, now I know. So if you give your peanut public, you got diabetes. If fuck. That's good. Well, okay. Now I know. So if you're peeing in public, you got diabetes.

If you're getting breathalyzed, just munch some ChapStick. We're just giving lessons out. Free. We're just schooling everybody. All right, let's keep going. The biggest lie I ever told when I was six years old, I stole my buddy's hacksaw and I hid it underneath the deck at my house. And then one day I took the hacksaw to my neighbors and started to cut down their tree.

I don't know why. I just wanted to cut down their tree. But I didn't have the dexterity or the power to take the tree down, so I just started cutting off branches and throwing them into the yard. And then when I finished, I hid the hacksaw back underneath the deck. And then the next day, a bunch of people are outside looking at the tree. And I'm thinking, fuck. And they said that the old lady up on the hill

had seen a little blonde boy cutting the tree and my dad asked was that you? and I said no no absolutely not absolutely not and they left was there more?

unfortunately I don't believe so. Oh, it was just getting good. That was fucking terrifying. I was on the edge of my seat. Hold up. Let me try to find that. The fact that he was six years old. His voice.

Yeah. Was that fake? I think he got killed by his neighbor during the voice message. Why is that kind of relatable? Because there's nothing else. Why is that kind of relatable? He got killed by his neighbor. You ever see your neighbor's tree

and you're like, God, I got to cut that fucking thing down. Yeah, that's it. That's it? That's all we got, boys. Reach out to this guy. We got to know the rest. Yeah, dude.

If there's anything I need to know, it's the rest of that story. So he cut down his neighbor's tree and hid the branches. I don't know. I was just kind of... I can relate, though. I look over at my neighbor's tree and hid the branches. I don't know. I was just kind of... I can relate, though. I look over at my neighbor's tree sometimes like, I want to cut that motherfucker down.

Sometimes you just got to cut a tree down, dude. Not at six. Six years old. He goes, I don't have the dexterity. What the fuck is a hacksaw? What is a hacksaw? Is that just the one where you just... Is that just the normal saw? Like in the movies? like in the saw movies

movies. We'll pull up a picture, but I don't even know what a hacksaw is. Oh, it's like I can't even explain it. It's like it's like a it's like a rectangle, but the middle is gone. So it's like oh, it's yeah, it's one of those. It's one of those.

I know what you're talking about. Yeah yeah definitely lumberjack do some damage with that yeah that kid is uh should be in jail there was a little blonde boy cutting down a tree i never went to those links when i was a kid i would like i would do some weird shit like when my parents weren't home and i'd like get the butcher knife and i'd like go outside and try to like throw it and get it stuck to trees that's normal yeah that's normal everybody does that right yeah everybody does that you did that for sure a hundred percent why did you do that yeah i actually i ordered my own knives off off the internet shut the fuck up you probably left that voice message dude did you really you just got a knife kit yeah like because i was into

hunger games and there was that girl that threw knives, so that's what I was trying to be like her. I ordered him off of some dude. I had a I had a black market. I had a blow gun. I had throwing knives, the things I would do for a blog. How come everybody like that's just like a right of passage to like you want to own weapons when you're a kid. It's the only thing I wanted was a damn blow gun. What's a blow gun like the thing like you got a long pipe and it goes right into somebody's neck like in the movies. Those are sick. That's all I wanted. Those are sick dude. Every time

somebody like won't shut up, I'm like damn. I wish I had a blow dart gun right now. Can you imagine just long distance? I'm like thank you. What about airsoft? Oh, my God. You always had that one friend. They're like, I just had like one. I just had a little pistol and then I would go over my buddy's house and he's got like a fucking AK 47.

I know. What are their man? You'll do that. What kind of parents do you have, dude? The farthest I could go is laser tag. Dude, I got a laser tag set for christmas oh my god dude didn't even compare yeah my neighbor had the whole kit bro silencers lasers sniper rifles this is how dumb my friend group was in fifth grade is he had a little gazebo and enclosed

gazebo and we get like five of us in there we play this game where the guy would have the the automatic airsoft gun and he'd stand in the middle and he'd close his eyes and he would just spin in a circle and fire off rounds and if you got caught in it did it hurt i mean i've never been i've never been it hurts yeah it's like getting flicked like really fucking flicked like fucking yeah one time my dad flicked me and I was like, holy shit. I feel like I got hit by a baseball. God damn, Joe. Yeah, those thick LinkedIn fingers

on the keyboard putting in some work. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, I got shot by a BB one time though in the butt. Those are like metal. See, like airsoft was like the plastic pellets, but BB was like point blank. No shit. Dude, my friend, my friend. We were playing this game

or me and my me and one of my friends are trying to get in my other friend's house. Yeah, and we're like you know, breathe like we're like peeking around corners like we're we're actual spies and my friend just had it on lockdown dude and he's like you can come in if I can shoot you in the butt with a BB gun. So

I just just drop the tidy whiteys and we were we were off. You didn't even have to pull on your underwear. Does your butt cheeks are already out in the open here? That might be my next holy fans post. Watch my friend shoot my ass with a BB gun. Oh, dude, that's a YouTube video. That's a YouTube. Who's not watching

that three million views? I might sell the well. That's insane. Oh, man have the wealth. That's insane. Oh, man. All right. Let's keep going. Let's keep going. The biggest lie I ever told was when I told people I was straight until college.

So most of my life. Good Lord. Relatable. Relatable. I'm still hiding it. Yeah, damn good for him. No better man than me. Better man, better man than me. That was a funny very self-aware man.

We love a self-aware king. Damn dog. I don't know what to say. Congrats. Yeah, congrats. I mean, I mean, so I'm sorry before that though, like if it was tough for you. Yeah, it's a it's a lot of pressure, but it sounds like you can't got it. You did it. So congrats. He's happy. Congrats. Living your living your true self. Now we love that. Love to hear it. Okay, this one. This one may be a doozy. It's taking up a

lot of screen. Is it the last one? There's likezy. It's taking up a lot of screen real estate. Wait, is it the last one? There's like seven. No, we got three more. There's like seven voice messages that went around. Lock in, lock in. Okay. Here we go, boys. All right, so here's what happened.

I was living in San Diego. I'm not sure if you're familiar, but it's a very much... Not San Diego. Damn it. Hold on a second. Uh-oh. You're a rookie with the voice message yeah it's tough sometimes you gotta get them right okay so as i was saying in san diego tons of guys there navy seals um they don't care if you don't want to hook up with them um their brains

are just so hardwired to do what it is that they feel they need to do in that moment that they're gonna try to tactically figure out like how to get you home um it's not enough to say i'm not interested or i'm just here having fun with my friends i'm not like doesn't matter um in my situation i had used the lines of like yeah here with my friends i'm staying i am not interested in hooking up like i don't do that you know whatever um saying I am not interested in hooking up. Like I don't do that. You know, whatever. I should have known better because this guy had that look in his eye that serial killers get.

I'm pretty sure it's the same gene that serial killers and Navy SEALs have. They just use it to go like hunt terrorists instead of innocent people. And so, yeah, i knew it was like a bad situation when i went to the bathroom and he literally came in the female's bathroom with me and i texted one of my friends i was like dude you gotta get in here like this is not good um told him i just wasn't interested told him at one point i was a lesbian which only made things worse because then he was like okay well how about you and your friend come back? That's hot.

And so finally I just went ahead and said I have AIDS. I thought that's got to be it. That has to shut him down. There's another disease. It didn't. Disease! Here we go, another one. The biggest lie I ever told was completely ineffective.

completely ineffective. Um, it's now to my understanding that even having AIDS is not more powerful than the testosterone of a Navy SEAL. There's more, hold up. How is there more? And this story is actually way funnier. Um, but it has to do with you. So I feel like it's worth sharing. Um, me and my ex used to live together and I thought your videos were super funny and I showed him and he thought they were funny. Like it was all good. And then one day we were fighting and I was watching your video and it was that one of like the car wash where you're like dancing. And I just thought that was funny. Like that was my hyper fixation video for a long time. And I was watching it and I was laughing like in the middle of us fighting and he was mad. And it was a deal where like, if he's going to be mad, the whole world has to be mad. Um, but I laughed at that video

and he was like, Oh, okay. So now you want to fuck this guy. Meanwhile, that's something guys say when their girlfriends cheated on them. I'd never cheated on him. Never. Like there was nothing like that to be concerned about um and i literally packed my bags took the dogs and went and stayed in airbnb for like three days because that was just like too much so yeah just wanted to let you know that i had like a three-day getaway because all right there's one more here's the cherry on top your car wash dancing was enough to like send my ex into enough of a tailspin that I was like, yeah, no, I, I don't want to be around this. Um, so yeah, I just thought I'd share because that,

that was a thing. Damn dude. If we could watch that video. Oh, it's so cringy. Oh, the car wash. I've never seen it. It's funny, but like, wow. Yeah. I remember when you sent that to me, you were like this good. No, yeah, what are you doing in it? What do you what do you do? You oh, I can play or keep talking. I'll play it. It's a what about the I guess we don't need it on the screen. No, I'm going to get ready. Okay, is it like the because like I think the last like how recent was it because there's like a trend where you go to the car wash like spraying it.

Is that what it was? How recent was it? Because there's like a trend where you go to the car wash, you're like spraying it. Is that what it was? Maybe a year ago. I can't remember. But it's lining your tire up in the car wash and like what you're doing and what the guy's telling you to do.

Oh, okay. And it just turns into like a dance. Okay. But yeah. Those are low key. It's kind of hard sometimes to do that. Oh, it's the worst. It's the most hard sometimes to do that. Oh, it's the worst, but it's the most it's the hardest thing you've ever done in your

life, especially when you have a navy seal. Hey, whatever it takes, dude, there's a lot to unpack there and this guy. I mean, first of all, this guy sounds like a psycho, which he says she goes. He had the same look in his eyes as a serial. How do you know what this girl's been through it? And this Navy seal, Navy seals and serial killers, not too different. I don't want to loop them all together,

but basically what I was, we had a little technical death, but we're back back in the game. Let's run this car wash vid. I'll just shorten every word now. Here we go. that was it bro that was that was the straw that broke the camel's back for that relationship god that's so i've never been more on beat. Yeah, that was funny. Oh, my God, the tie, the tie, bro, you know that that was probably my fifty fourth take, and I was sweating on the back of that shirt. That shirt was see through in the back. The thing is, they actually did not to

that extent, but those mother, those those car wash people are happy to be there. I'll come in. They get it. They spread a little smiley face on your way. I'm happy, aren't they? What do you guys do? They like mark on your windshield with that bar of soap. I want to be that. I do kind of want to be that guy that puts like works. They write

so fast and hard on your windshield. I'm on my next endeavor. That's it, dude. Yeah, the next job we get fired from. Me and you both car wash like tire lineup guys. We might be. What's up? What up, crew car wash?

Sliding the DMs. Yeah, dude. So that was the video. Yeah. Broke the camels back right there. Well, sorry about that. Yeah.

Casey, you're saying something on a Navy SEAL. Yeah, I just don't know if I feel comfortable with that guy protecting my country. Honestly, I mean, Navy SEALs and serial killers. Yeah, too far apart. Apparently not to Navy SEALs are like one hacksaw away support the troops.

All right, okay, that was a that was a nice one. Yeah, that was a that was a nice one yeah that was a that was a novel she really got into that yeah let's keep going so roughly three years ago i got a dui and that next semester i graduated college and so i was running around looking for a job and i was in an interview and they asked if i had a criminal history or a background or whatever. And I said, no, completely burying the fact that I was arrested for driving under the influence a semester ago. So they hired me on and they saw my DUI like on a background check and just on the fly. I like oh that's just a charge i was never actually convicted and they were like the hr lady was like oh okay i've heard that happen sometimes and i just i kept the job i don't know what to say bro good for you but i'm damn dog duis bro keep that chapstick on you keep that

chapstick on you but like hr doesn't check anything do they i mean do they really though yeah like uh like when you when you apply for a job and you have like your your resume and your references has a job ever called one like your resume and your references, has a job ever called one of those names on there and like checked up on you? I think so, yeah. Do they? I mean, that was my job. I was a recruiter, man.

You did that? I mean, I had to call references and I'd call them and sometimes they'd be like, yeah, dude. Is this guy a piece of shit? What would you ask? I would just kind of be like, you how was yeah how was he in the office and they're like well he we fired him because he was harassing the women so then i'm like well that's not a good reference we're not gonna hire you but um the background we did background checks too so yeah that's a real thing and like dude i people would lie to me too they'd be like yeah i've never done anything and I'm like Aaron. I just looked at your background checked and you you killed someone like

with an airsoft with an airsoft. I didn't know people actually did that. So he damn dog. He got away with one. Yeah, yeah, good for you. I wonder what the job was. Car wash it to I wish all right. All right, this one's not a voice message when i was living above blue nightclub i told a couple of chicks i was andrew luck and they believed me took one up to my apartment she gave me a bj and wanted to stay the night but told her i had practice in the

morning and kicked her out this guy this guy. Oh, that's a guy. I know who left this and he cut it like does he look like Andrew? If Andrew Luck shaved his head like yeah, close close. Yeah, that's so funny. I have practice in the morning, so convenient. You think he was thinking about that while it was going down? He's like how I get her out of here like while it was happening? Oh, that's money. That's a good excuse. I mean, he's NFL. You said anything could have been like my wife's coming home. More believable, more believable.

Andrew, look what a guy to impersonate like he first of all, who's blowing Andrew love like if you're going to pick a pro athlete to like impersonate Andrew luck is going to get you the is going to pick a pro athlete to like impersonate Andrew luck is going to get you the is going to get you the girl. I don't know why you said you had one. Oh yeah, so can't wait. Yeah, I was thinking I was like this is tough to think and then there was one. I'm like, oh yeah, this is the one got to say, you know, like I look right now like I'm kind of like squeaky clean. I used to lie my

ass off to my mom. You're a scammer, dude. I know. I used to lie so much. What was it, bro? So this is the big one. So I was in elementary school and in gym class, you know how you like just run laps around your gym? So I came home one day and I used to just make shit up. Just I guess I don't I was guess I was trying to entertain my family. I would just make shit up. So I said I was like yeah this we were running a lap today in gym class and this this kid and the front of the line who was the fastest in our grade tripped and everyone behind him fell and they're in this retarded kid in my class named colin just ran by everybody dusted everybody and won the race because like i i was just making up a story so my mom believed me she bought it

and i just didn't think anything of it and about a week later my mom tells me she that she went up to Colin's mom and said hey I heard Colin won a race the other day in gym class and went up to his mom went up to Colin's mom and said hey I heard Colin won a race the other day in gym class like she was happy for him shit yeah and then you know the guy I don't know what happened with that but I think my mom came to me and was like I think I got in trouble, but it was just funny that like she went up to his mom. So that's a strange lie. You're just making up stuff. Who didn't? Yeah, what a crazy day in gym class. That was I know everybody fell every every single person.

Shout out to Colin. Shout out to come. You got to stir it up a little bit. That's good. All right, yo biggest lie you've ever told with the the nicest girl ever on the podcast today. Casey Johnson, thanks for coming on dog. Thanks for visiting the city. This is home now feels like home here in indianapolis got engaged dude you'll never forget it yeah podcast got diabetes again we're out here dude we're out here but yeah uh detroit december 22nd detroit house of comedy get your tickets link is in my bio get your merch at

benedictmerch.com subscribe to to the Patreon. $5 a month for an extra episode every week. And subscribe to Casey's OnlyFans. And his Raya. And my LinkedIn and my dad's. LinkedIn and your dad's. Do it all, dude. Follow him on every platform. Every platform.

At Casey is underscore. Yup. There it is. But if you want to see me get shot with an airsoft gun in my butt, OnlyFans is where you're going to find it. You're not going to find that on my LinkedIn. Subscribe. It's not good enough for LinkedIn.

Alright, guys. Talk to you next week. See you next time. See you next time.